The Rewatchables - ‘Kindergarten Cop’ With Bill Simmons and Kyle Brandt

Episode Date: April 21, 2026

The Ringer’s Bill Simmons and Kyle Brandt just need to know one simple thing: Who is your daddy, and what does he do? The guys head to Astoria, Oregon, to revisit Arnold Schwarzenegger in ‘Kindergarten Cop,’ also starring Pamela Reed and Richard Tyson. Producers: Craig Horlbeck, Chia Hao Tat, Eduardo Ocampo, and Matt Pevic Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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The rewatchables is brought to by the Ringer podcast Network. You can find us on Netflix as well as on Spotify and on a whole bunch of different places. You can find Kyle Brand every once in a while on the Ringer podcast network. podcast network. He's now belongs to NFL SPN. ESPN NFL. ESPNFL network. ESPNFL network. Hopped over there. He's popping up all over the place still on Good Morning Football. He's been coming on this podcast. Five years, six years?

Five years, six years since we did Teen Wolf. I think it was in the COVID year. That was my first one. Honestly, a little light on Arnold movies for us. And we're going to texting, Bill. And we're like, we kind of miss Arnold. Kind of miss hanging with Arnold. I don't think we've done it since the running man. That was a long time ago. Long time ago. We're back. I'll be back. Arnold Schwarzenegger, kindergarten cop is next. Kindergarde cop 1990. I was in college. Where were you in 1990? Fifth grade saw it in the theater. Oh, you're kind of the audience for kindergarten cop. Big time. Yeah. Big time. Loved it, fired up by it, thought it was the kids were hilarious, thought the action was awesome. This is an important

movie for me, big time. You? You like it? You like it? You just. see it in the theater in college. Saw it on a date. I think it's one of those rare adults can go to the movie, college kids can go to the movie, parents can take their kids or kids can just sneak in and go. And I think 1990, this movie now, I don't know what it is in 2006. I just think it's a horrible version of itself. Back then, you could end a kid's movie with an active shooter who set a fire and is now trying to kidnap a kid and we're fine. Nobody judges it. We just, just go. We're scared for the kid. We figured Arnold's going to save the day. This movie feels very distinct. 1990. Let's not overthink this. Let's just give Arnold a job being a kindergarten

teacher and let's go. So much of the fun and watching it now is just seeing, holy shit, how is this in the movie? There's 12 of those things. And it's like, you're enjoying Arnold and whatever, the kids and all that. But then you're also like, what is with all this child abuse and then heavy-handed divorce lectures and then like some weird thing with sexual identity. Like everything is in this movie. And it always cracks me up that like if you brought your kids to this movie, oh great, Arnold's going to the kid stuff, I can't wait, bring the kids. Kindergarten, it's going to be awesome.

And you sit down like your eight year old or maybe your actual kindergartner. Like in the first three minutes of the movie, there is an execution style murder. And then a woman is handcuffed to a dead body. And moments after that, a man slaps a woman across. the face and you're like, what is this? We should have gone to home alone again. It's nuts. And there's 50 things like that in this movie.

It's hilarious. Is this an NC-17? No, no, no. It's probably, it was PG back then. This movie exists in this weird part of time for culture where, like, my generation, we grew up and we had those, you know, we had the kid shows, but we also had like the ABC after-school specials. Yeah.

And we had those warning TV movies that, like, CBS would do. After-school, yeah, sure. It would be like a diary of a hit-trick. And it would be like some hitchhiker gets brutally murdered in the beginning and the hitchhiker. And basically the lesson was don't be a hitchhiker. Don't trust your uncle to take pictures of you. It was a lot of lessons. And then as we headed into the late 80s, early 90s, we flipped and there's this hybrid era.

Because Home Alone's in this too. Some of those sports movies that like the Little Big League sandlot, these movies where it's like they're kids movies, but they're crossing lines in a way that I'm not sure we would do now. And then by the time we get to the 2000s, all of a sudden we're like, hey, this should just be kids movies. And we're really careful. And they do the bad news bears remake. And they have to like check every box of it. And they take basically all the sauce out of it.

And just now this movie has John Cena in it or The Rock. And it's really safe. And it's like a really, really easy PG. And every kid is carefully cast. None of the kids make sense together. And I just think that's how we do it. But the early 90s, they didn't give a fuck. They just didn't care.

And I'm kind of here for it. I'm totally here for it. I assure you, if you're listening and you're watching, you've not seen this movie in a long time, shit's going to make your head spin when you watch it. And I think this movie is a flex. You already mentioned it once of the PG-13 rating, that you can push that shit really far and still not get under the R.

Like, just brutal shootings, drug deaths. Like, kids looking up. girl's skirts. I was like, shit, man. I almost spit my drink out when I saw that. And they put that in the trailer for this movie. I went back and watched it in 1990. It was desensitized. I was fifth grade. I'm 10 years old watching this movie. There was no part of my parents in the lobby who were like, well, that was a mistake. They were busting balls with me. They thought it was awesome. Totally different sensibility. The kid is getting, the child abuse kid is getting bullied by the class. And then it turns out he's being abused. Never really resolved. No one. I don't.

how it worked out for him. This kid has had one of the most traumatic kindergartens you could possibly have ending with a fire and a school shooting and it's like, did he come out of this? Okay, we'll never know. He's just kind of there. Did he make any friends? Probably not. This movie hinges

around Arnold. I wrote down, to me like, it's like Wemby. It's like a one-on-one. You go and you're like, I've never seen this before. Or you go see O'Tani and he pitches eight innings and hits a three run homer and you're like, I've just never seen this before.

I didn't even know how to explain Arnold all these years later because we've done a couple of these movies. It takes off for him with Terminator and 84. And he's bouncing around the action stratosphere there for a little bit. But in the late 80s, when he mixes, like, I can be in a comedy. I can be in twins. No, now I can be in total recall. Watch this.

I'm going to be in Kindergarten cop. I'm going to be in Terminator 2 again. He was basically these two people. everything he says in this movie is hilarious. Everyone. And maybe 80% of the time, I don't think it's intentional. But I think he knows we think it's funny

and doesn't take it personally and is playing along with the gag, but it's also not intentional on his part. I don't even know, the line that he zags, I don't even know how he does it. I totally get what you're saying. You and I as people who love Arnold, spend most of his movies, a lot of them, openly laughing at him.

But we still love him. And, dude, it's different, though, than, we do the same thing for Seagall. Yeah. And Seagal is like a clown. Arnold is, I totally respect him. I don't look at him like Seagall at all, not to mention the bodybuilder, the self-made thing, the immigrant, all that. Like, that stuff is very cool.

But I'll watch most of his movies. And, like, I think Arnold's kind of a joke. But I just love him so much. I just get over it. And he's kind of okay being the movie. the joke because ultimately the jokes on everybody else because he's making like 15 to 20 million a year making

movies at this point. He's hugely famous. I saw this in the theater and during the, it's not a tumor. It's not a tumor at all. There it is. Just huge laughter in the theater. And I don't even know.

So Ivan Reitman directs this. We'll talk about the legendary run he had. He had to know what he had here. The same way like Bill Parsons, knew what he had with Lawrence Taylor. It's like, this guy's a one-of-one freak. How do I just put him in situations where he's just attacking the quarterback with one-on-one blocking? I've been right in this whole movie. It's like, how can I just have, first of all, how can I have Arnold just saying lines? Arnold says more lines than this movie than I think in any other movies he's ever done.

How do I have variation in the words? So instead of tumor, I know it's going to be funnier when he says Tuma. I think Arnold knows it's funny, but maybe deep down he thinks we're just laughing at the delivery and not just how stupid he sounds. I don't know how they did it. And I think you can become self-aware with this stuff. And eventually he became self-aware, but I think in 1990, he wasn't 100% self-aware yet. So it's a little bit of a heat check because Reitman and Schwarzenegger, they do twins and it works. Yeah. And he doesn't have a giant machine gun and stuff. Like, holy shit, maybe we can do this. Now, he's going to get a deeper heat check with Junior and he's going to mess, but this one hits again. And I think you're on to something. Like, I was watching this movie

and I was finding myself, who is this for, really? Because if you're there for the Arnold ass kicking, the kid stuff might be annoying. If you're there for the kid stuff, the Arnold ass kicking might be too much. And my answer is, it's just for diehard Arnold heads, like that you show up no matter what he does. Because if you don't love Arnold Schwarzening, I mean love, this movie could be too much for you. Right. I also think, I agree with it. I think it's the most dialogue he's ever had. he's carrying five different genres. We have a buddy cop movie, a romantic movie, action, kids, and he's really, really doing well.

I also think it's like, I think it's his most quotable movie that he has ever done, ever. Like every single thing he says is a GIF, it's a soundboard button. It's just like, I'm going to ask you some questions. I want them out to immediately. It's all of those things.

I'm a copy with it. It's so fun to say and listen to. And it's because he's just shouting. out pearls every single scene. We never seen him do that before. Well, we also had total recall six months earlier. Yeah. So we are now on like an Arnold addiction cycle where every six months we need to go to a movie theater and just see him be Arnold. And he's carrying this basically from 1987,

um, basically through true lies. This is a pretty great eight year run. So I found the premier magazine where they wrote basically a page about this movie. There are some gems in there. Oh, great. I love this. He said, Arnold said, this was a high concept. He's been touting for a long time. This is a quote. For 10 years, I've been telling writers, producers, directors, and studio executives that I would love to do a film where a kid or children are a very important part. Something like John Void did in this boxing movie, The Champ.

You change always when you're around children. See, if Arnold in these meetings, one of the biggest stars in the world and they're like, what do you want to do next? I'd like to do something with children. Can I be in a kid's movie? Like, I can't, now, we're still doing cocaine in the late 80s, and I'm sure people like that. Yeah, that sounds great. We'll put you in a first grade classroom.

I have one of the kids talk about penises. Yeah. So they just let him go and unleashed him, it worked. Not only this movie, make a ton of movie, but people love this movie. Like, I told a bunch of people anecdotally, like, what's next to rewatchables? Oh, it's going to be kindergarten crop.

People are like, I love that movie. They love that movie and everybody loves saying it's not a tumor. If you mention a kindergarten cop with someone, they will and must say tumor. Like Arnold took possession of the word tumor, which is a horrible, horrible word. When you hear that word, you think of Arnold. I used to think of him when I would watch Amani tumor. And I would say it's not a tumor. He took over that word.

Question for you, I have it's not a tumor. I think it's his second most famous line in his. entire career. I got, I'll be back number one. And I think it's not a tumor is more famous than get to the Chapa, which is really well known from Predator. I think it's all the way up there, this throwaway line he has with this kid, but it's fun to say. And everybody will say it if you mention this movie. I think you're right. I think it took a second life when a Monty tumor actually showed up on the Giants, which was what, mid-90s. And I'm 99% sure of Berman. who was doing the nicknames.

And the nicknames were funny back then. We didn't have the internet. We didn't know any better. Like, if you go back, some of them are pretty forced. Yeah, Jeff Brown Paper Bagwell. Eric's sleeping with the enemy. I got to say, I really enjoyed the way back when. But when he was doing the...

Amani, it's not a tumor. It was the best one of all the ones. So it's not a tumor, lived on through like tumor's entire career, basically. But from my understanding is that Boomer to this day will have a nickname for every one. he encounters at ESPN. Did you ever get a nickname from Boomer? No, he didn't like me for a while. And then, no, I think, I don't know what happened. But maybe I took, made a joke about him in a column or something. But we hashed it out at the 2013 SPs had a great hang with, it was the year,

I think John Hamm hosted that after party at a hotel. And the boomer and I really put in the time, like 15, 20 minutes, and I just, like, kissed his ass. And it was genuine. I was like, look, man. Did you initiate or did he? I did. I initiated. And things were going awesome for me at the time at ESPN.

I went up to him. I'm like, look, man, things are going great for me. I feel so indebted to you. You built this place. Like, people like me are just trying to keep it going, but you're the guy. And I really thought that way. And he loved it. I did too.

Yeah, yeah. But I think, you know, as people get older over the years, sometimes you can take shit. Berman was outsized incredibly important. So anyway, it's not a tumor for him. Was one of the... Sleeping with Biaenami was still the best one, though. An excellent one. It's probably my favorite all the time.

Yeah, I think that was the best one. Anyway, Arnold could be in any movie. So they're doing this movie, basically variations of it for the last, I'd say, 15 years. And it would have The Rock for John Cena. Vin Diesel. Jason Statham. Vind Diesel.

Yeah. It's just a really hard one to pull off. And I got to be honest, I think he's the only one that did it. He's the only one that nailed it. And I have to give it, I have to give credit. Like, a lot of times those movies lose you because the kids are annoying. The kids are cute in this. Let's call it what it is.

They really are. They're really funny kids. And in 1990, we had these kids, and we had Kevin McAllister who were ruling the world. And it was really, really big back then. Arnold's interaction with him seems authentic. I like it. And I like the way they use the kids. And it's funny.

I laugh at the, I still laughed at the kids. the dumb kids are like, my dad can't wear hats. And I'm sitting there now in my 40s just laughing and enjoying it. This also is a timeless movie. You know, it's like running on Netflix right now. It's 36 years old. And it's a movie that now you'd have, I don't know how many generations of kids in the age of like, hey, we should watch this.

This would be a good one. There's not a lot of these that you could watch. I mean, I always showed these to my kids way too early. So my kids were probably like, you know, five or six when they watch this. Yeah. But it was perfect because it was, it's a little dangerous. It's funny. Arnold's funny.

Some of the kid's stuff is funny. It just, it works. Can we go back to 1990 though? Please. Let's go. So this, this movie ends, let's see, 10th in 1990. Some of the bangers from that year. Home Alone is number one.

Ghost, dancing with wolves, pretty woman. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is fifth. Fucking I love it. Hunt for Red October. Heard that's a good one. movie. Total recall, die hard two, Dick Tracy, kindergarten cop, back to the future three, presumed innocent, days of thunder are our top 13. And what do all those movies have in common? Fucking huge stars, huge. Almost across the board. If Harrison Ford, Costner, Patrick Swayze, Demi Moore,

Culkin becomes a huge star, Schwarzenegger's in two, Bruce Willis, Warren Beatty, Michael J. Fox, crews, like, we just, we knew what we were doing in 1990, Kyle. Dude, a bonkers year. The craziest thing about that year is the Home Alone piece where Home Alone was the number one movie in America for 12 weeks, 12 straight weeks. Kindergarten Cop drops in week eight. And Arnold coming off total recall, they don't even make the McAllister's blink. They rattle off another month.

And here's the best part. The movie that finally took the number one spot from Home Alone, we've already mentioned it. A little movie you knew it called Sleeping with the enemy. Took the number one spot. Knocked out Kevin McAllister. How good is that? Julia in danger. Yeah. So Arnold goes, Predator Running Man in 87, Red Heat and 88 turns down diehard,

which seems like it's a mistake in retrospect. Twins, 1990, recall and kindergarten cop, 91 Terminator 2. And 90 is the year he takes the belt from Slice Stallone for real. It's, he co-owns it from 80s

on, they're basically like co-champs. Like when boxing where there's like the WBC champ and WBA champ, they're both champs. By 90, he has the belt. Slice unraveled. He's doing Stop by Mom. I'll shoot and Oscar. He's doing Rocky 5. It just feels like it's over until Challenger,

which we've, not Challenger. Cliffhanger. Cliffhanger, I know why I said Challenger. Cliffhanger, which we've already done. That was his attempt to just climb literally, no pun intended, back in the conversation because Arnold is just killing everybody. But he was the biggest star we had.

And I don't know if there's been another run like this. No, and listen, just to step on Apex, like I think this is Arnold's Apex. Me too. You did the Wembe comparison. To me, this is the MJ 87-88 season where he won MVP and defensive player of the year. Yeah.

To give us the Paul Verhoeven's super crazy violent. sci-fi total recall, which is awesome. And then this silly nonsense up in the Pacific Northwest with these kids in the same year is so different. And by the way, the best movie he ever makes is coming next in T2. I think this is the height of Arnold. By the way, he's also deeply entrenched into George's H.W. Bush White House at this point. Like, he has an official position. Like, he's in government. All of that is coming. He's running the world. I think he's with, he's with Maria Shriver at this point, too. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's all happening. I wrote that, I had a little list.

This said the tangent. Okay. So we didn't know how good we had it, celebrity list. Okay. I almost wish I could, I enjoyed it more in the moment. I'm melancholy already.

What do you got? Well, you just figure like Arnold, oh, there'll be more of these. Arnold will be back in some other form. It's just not. The closest we really got to was I think Vin Diesel in the Fast and Furious movies.

And it's just not, you can't compare it. But I was thinking, just celebrities, I wish I had appreciated more in the moment. Arnold is one. Michael Jordan, the whole run. Although I do think when he went away to play baseball, we did appreciate it and really did think about it. Tiger is a great one because when it abruptly ended, it was like, oh, man, that sucked.

That was a really good 12-year run. 80s, Eddie Murphy. Mike and the Mad Dog was like this for me, always knowing that they were on in New York. Anytime you're there, suddenly they were gone. Dan and Keith on Sports Center. Late 90s, W.W.E. The attitude error just felt like it was going to go on forever. It didn't.

Randy Moss, part of me felt like he would just go until he was 45, just being able to run the straight down the sideline. Serena Williams just feeling like she was the mountain. Everyone had to climb in women's tennis. And then I got to say, there was a Michael Jackson run there in the 80s where it was like, wow. Holy mackerel. Best entertainer of all time.

the most talented person ever live, definitely. Anyone else you would put on? Like for you, just like I wish I had appreciated a little more in retrospect. Yeah, my mind goes to CR month. I was there, and it was a beautiful month, but I wish I could have dug in further. It was beautiful, though. I really enjoyed it. So, see our month, Arnold, Tiger.

Yeah, I got you. I think you guys came up a little short and should have had the balls to do the Sicario pod in Juarez live, but maybe it's a Riccario. You were part of CR month, though. You get to put on your Wikipedia. It was spectacular. I definitely. Mike Yonagita.

The cast of this movie, Penelope Miller, that's the love interest. Small run for her here in the 90s. I think Carlitos and a couple others. Pamela Reed as the buddy cop. Sure. Really nice performance by her in this.

I thought she's excellent. She's a very good actress. Linda Hunt, who was, I think, started out in your living dangerously. She's the principal. She's the little lady who has a couple good scenes. Richard Tyson is the bad guy.

Let's go. When do you want to do this? Now or later? You want to do some crisp talk? Because I'm here for crisp. Let's go. What's going on here? Is this just like,

this is the NFL salary cap where we had to spend a lot of money on Mahomes and we're just going to keep our fingers crossed with the left tackle? hope he doesn't get annihilated at the playoffs. You might say the same for the Patriots too. I don't know. You really could.

But what happened here? What happened is a lot of silk clothing, a ponytail, and a brood, and he somehow got this part. And by the way, like, I'm not here to shit on Crisp. I love Crisp. I think he's really funny. I think he's a good villain. I don't think he's going to win an Oscar. But he almost reminds me of Jimmy from Roadhouse.

Like, he's just kind of this brooding guy who, has a physicality to him. I like Chris. I think Chris is fantastic. That's the thing. He's a character from a roadhouse, Van Dam kind of a movie. This is actually kind of an elevated movie with good actors.

Yeah. And I don't know how they figured out that bad. I don't know what's going on with him in general. The relationship with the mother is just bizarre. I don't really know what's going on there. The other one, Kathy Moriarty's in this, too, is like the Milf mom. What is that?

Who's attracted. Why? Why? Why is she in that for that role? Wrong actress, wrong vibe. It just flips the movie into this crazy direction. It doesn't pay off. I don't know what they're doing with that either. And her scene is unfathomable. She comes in and it's like, I'm really worried that my son is playing with dolls.

And Arnold goes, no, she's using them to look up girl's skirts. And she goes, oh, that's a relief. And I'm like, do what the fuck? She's like, I thought it might have been something else. thank God is only looking at kindergartner's skirts. Thank God. It's so weird. Future sex offender.

She read that. She's like, yeah, I was enraging bull, no problem. But like, I like this. I'll sign up for this role. I'd like to be in this. Crazy. Well, I have been rightman directs. From 79 to 93, he rips off meatball, stripes,

Ghostbusters, Legal Eagles, Twins, Ghostbusters, Two, kindergarten cop and Dave, the best movie of all time. I realized that about two months ago. Dave's the best movie of all time. You like Dave? I love Dave. I think it might be the best movie of all time. Just comic.

touch. His movies always move. He has a knack for working with major, major stars and putting them in an awesome light. Over and over again, people are really good in his movies where you're just like, ah, I love that guy in that movie. And 15 years, I mean, he made a shitload of money and then gave us Jason Reitman, who's had a really good career too. Who's randomly in this movie. Yeah. Any Ivan Reitman thoughts, though, before we move on. I think it's really cool that when they go to Dominic's bedroom at the end of the scene, if you look closely, there's some ghost Ghostbusters pillows on Dominic Bed, which I think is just awesome. Listen, Ghostbusters is one of the most important movies the last 50 years.

Every single person in it, if you weren't there for that sensation, this was light years ahead of, in kindergarten cop, which we love. But one of the most important movies ever made, I think. 26 million for this one they spent. It made 202. Finish 10th. Crushed it all the way around. 11 minutes, plus 21 on the Horlebeck scale.

Yeah. We don't have Craig for this podcast, but he's going to come on at the end with his review. He'd never seen it. Really? So we'll find out what he thought. We do know what Roger Eber thought, three stars. That's great.

Take it. The film is made up, quote, of two parts that shouldn't fit, but somehow they do, making a slick entertainment out of the improbable, the impossible, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. That was Roger.

Three stars. I was surprised. I would have thought two and a half for him. Three stars is great, but it's more than two parts. There's six different parts. There's so much on Arnold's shoulders in this. And we laugh at his accent, his acting and stuff.

Holds the camera for every single scene. And honest, I'm going to get to this later. Like, is this maybe some of the best acting he's ever done in his career? Like, there's stuff where I really believe that he's feeling, and I don't usually say that about him. I actually think it's the best he's ever been in a movie. It's great. For using all his parts.

And what's interesting, they make the decision near the end. Well, he basically loses the shootout. Like, somebody has to save his, ass. He's going to get killed by some psycho grandmother, but he gets shot by two different characters, and he's kind of cool with it. It makes him vulnerable, right? He's not like a superhero. I just don't know if Stallone and Van Dam and pick anybody from that error, like, no, no, this guy seems weak because he didn't win. Let's remember, Seagal won't let himself get punched by anyone in any movie, even like a 300-pound bouncer. Arnold here is saved by a diminutive woman.

That's a pretty cool decision to me. I don't know if that was happening back then. Yeah, it was the old, William Goldman always used to talk about this, how stars have to be stars in the movie. They don't want to look weak. And he was using the example of Warren Beatty, didn't want to be in misery because of the crippling scene. Yeah.

Because the guy's crippled, he's a loser from that point on. He's like, I can't play that part. I'm not going to be a loser. And Arnold, like, he ends this movie. He's shot by two different people. He's a kindergarten teacher with a limp, but he's like, I'm fine. good. This is a good movie. We're going to take a break and then we got to go through

watchables. The categories are really fun for this movie. This episode is brought to you by McDonald's. Right now at McDonald's, you can get great deals all day with McValue. That's right. Jumpstart your day with the under $3 menu featuring a sausage McMuffin for just $1.50 or grab the perfect lunch with the McDouble for just $250. Honestly, nothing pairs with a movie marathon like a McDouble in hand. I kind of love the McDonald's. Get even more value with McValue only at McDonald's. Bada-Bap-Bah.

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Get even more value with McValue, only McDonald's. Bada, blah, blah, blah. Limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher for delivery. Most rewatchable scene, I'll offer you a couple. What do you got? The plane scene into the driving puke montage.

With Arnold and Pamela Reed, unless you want to go with any of the stuff at the very beginning, the violent stuff when Arnold's got the beard and the sunglasses. I don't know if you're into that part. I like the beard and sunglasses. I like Arnold in the drug den with a shotgun, just shooting everything. It feels a lot like Terminator 1 when Arnold goes into Tech Noir, the club. It's almost like a note for note. I really, really like that part.

Arnold's kicking ass. The beard is preposterous. The hair is terrible. and that's part of the laughing at Arnold that we talked about. So I'm here for that for sure. I was going to do this later. Let's do it now. Okay.

Patched on beard? Yeah, terrible. Real beard? Is it possible? He's just one of those. He grew a real beard and it just looks fake when he grows a beard. Because we know those people, too. The guys who grow beards and it doesn't seem like a real beard.

I think that they did not have a real beard. We saw Arnold with heavy struff and predator. We've seen him with a bearer. beard and the running man briefly, and he looks fucking awesome. He looks like the brawny man. This is like this woolly, woolly patch on, miscolored thing. It looks horrible, but we like it. I thought it was fake,

but you also could have sold me, like he dyed it or did something weird. Between that and the sunglasses, I don't know what's going on. It's like a parody of some of those other movies. So playing scene in the driving puk montage, we get Arnold threatening the kid by breaking the pencil. We get Angela Bassett as the flight attendant.

out of the clouds with one line. Well before she became the queen. And we get Arnold repeatedly just watching his partner puke and being confused by it. Like he's never seen a human being struggle physically with anything before. Okay. Arnold's first day of school. We kick things off with one of the kids going,

boys have a penis and girls have a vagina. Killer line. Brought the house down in the theater. Penelope. Miller tells him, kindergarten is like the ocean. You don't want to turn your back on it. Good line.

Comes back. It's fucking chaos. Leading to Arnold gone, shut up! Shut up! Shut up! So, so fun.

So fun. And then he has to get the ferret. A lot of ferret in this? The ferret with no name? I mean, listen, is this Apex Mountain for ferrets? So I had that rid down as a strong, Yes. Ferrets had a moment of about a year and a half before people realized they were just overgrown rats and not fun to hang out with.

Kind of stinky. And then it was over. The big Lobowski, there's a nice marmot. There's a ferret. And then is that the Richard Gear one or is that something different? I don't know. Was he a ferret guy? Was that gerbils? I can't distinguish my marmoths. But Arnold plays who's your daddy? And what does he do? This has the, it's not a tumor, it's not a tomb at all. This has confessions from the kids, including my daddy as a gynecologist. Fantastic. I don't think that they're playing who's your daddy now in 2006.

I'm guessing that got vetoed by the school principal. Especially what does he do? Like that's none of your business. We're not doing any of that. One of the reasons this is such a good scene is we just get to hang out with all these different kids. There's like 10 kids. And it's like, all right, cool.

I'm actually, it's not just like this anonymous classroom. I feel like I'm learning. It feels like what they would now put in as outtakes during the closing credits. Here's this cute stuff we recorded. But it's actually in the movie. I actually think one of the faults is I think they should have done more of that. Like the kids are on fire. The kids are cooking, especially the girl at the end who has to go to the bathroom and can't do the overalls.

Like that stuff is all, all gold. I wish they would have done more. I agree. And I think if I had notes, if they had sent me the script and I could have weighed in on some stuff, I probably would have cut down on crisp a little bit. I would have had Arnold trying to get the kids ready for a play or something, like play it up more where he has to run a rehearsal. No, you'd came in too soon and do that whole thing.

We could have done that with the Gettysburg Address. And you're on to something? Dude, my favorite word that Arnold Schwarzenegger says, he says like 12 times this movie is, come on, come on. He's a fire drug, come on. And that's what he says in Frederick. Come on, kill me, I'm here. He hits that one so hard.

And every time he says, come on, I laugh and I want to run around with him. I have another idea for this that I have a later part of the pod. The milk nap scene I really like. Just like very tender scene. But just seeing kids drink milk. I don't know. Do they do that anymore?

Probably not. No. Arnold reads a book and we have the nightmare does off. That seems good. Arnold almost kills Pamela Reed's fiancé. And she goes right from, I think, having sex to just diving into a plate of pasta unexplained? Where was the pasta? Barry and pasta in bed naked post-st-wital?

Was the pasta next to her? Like, what happens there? It's a lot with that character in the eating. It's like four jokes too many. I get it. Four, 14. Yeah, it might be 14. That thing gets beaten to a pulp. And the fact that she just was having sex to her fiancee is not eating like an apple

or something. A plate of pasta with a fork. It's not realistic. What was the guy's name? Barry. Barry's a chef. Arnold beats up. Zach's dad, the child abuser.

And then the principal, instead of saying, like, you're suspended for two weeks is like, how did it feel to punch him? I loved it. This was great. Most 1990 stretch of the movie. Teachers punching a parent. Can you imagine the screenwriter at the computer typing out the line, you hit the kid, I hit you.

He was, but fuck, yes. It's Miller time. Boom. That is gold. Let's go, baby. He goesnecked that thing right out of his office. office. And by the principal, the principal seems to know that that father was a child beater. Right. And it's just the thing that people know that he's beating up this kid. And afterwards,

she's like, yeah, that was awesome how you punched him. Again, in front of the school, the teachers, everything. And he could have punched him again. Um, what are we got? I'm just trying to think of somebody pitching that at a movie they're writing in 2026. Yeah. And the kind of notes they would get from from the studio. So yeah, the child abuse, that plot. So yeah, we're going to have to maybe take that out. Do we need to actually show the bruising on the child's neck? Yeah, we think it's key.

I mean, that's intense. In the research, Arnold was really passionate about touching a couple real life stories, including the abuse of children and kind of push them to like, we have to have this in the movie. This is an important topic. And that's why it's in the- Arnold difference. I don't think the action stars are like, how big is my trailer?

How cool do I look when I punched the guy? And Arnold's like, we really need to focus on the damages of divorce in the American household. Like, and that's the shit that he wanted. He's a genius, man. Two more, the fair. Little heart tigs, heart-tug speech about Arnold. Oh, yeah. From Linda Hunt,

the principal. a little gets a little touchy in the throat watching. I don't know what kind of police officer you are, but you are a very good teacher. I was like, am I crying a kindergarten cop? Holy shit, Mr. Kimball, we did it. Paulin in the room right now.

Wow. And then we get the big fire shootout ending. Stranger! Stranger! And that's what we did back then. We'd say stranger danger and don't mix up candy from kids. And they just learned that from the other cop before he comes in the hallway.

So this guy, Chris, shows up at the school, has an interview with the principal for some reason, even though it seems like it's in public school, he can just join the school. He sees this kid. Yeah. And he's like, all right, what's my plan? Could wait like eight hours, maybe tail him home?

Nah, let's do this now. Should I set a huge fire to the kids library? I love it. Burn thousands of books and cause mass panic. And that's what I'm going to do. And my mom's going to wait in the car with a gun. And then when the kids scurry into the hallway and the sprinklers go off, I'll just kind of run in there and grab them amongst the 200 kids.

And then I'll just go upstairs. Yeah, go upstairs where there's no escape. Get up there. What could go wrong? It's a fire. There's water everywhere. The last 10 minutes of the movie are preposterous. It's really a bad plan.

The plane is trying to land and it's just dragging sparks all over the runway. But you're here for it. What is the most rewatchable scene for you? It's not a tumor? I think it's Arnold's opening speech. I'm Mr. Kimball. I want them answered immediately. And then the tumor and all that's the questions about what my dad does.

Yeah, Arnold's first day just could have basically been its own movie. Where he's finally like, I found a, I have a ferret in my car. I'm going to go get the ferret. That's his last move. The ferret has no name. Said this ferret has never named the ferret. It's just his by pet ferret. It's not like this is.

It doesn't make any sense. First thing kids would do. is they name the pet. Yeah, this is Benny. I have that as well. What's the most 1990 thing about this movie other than giving those little cartons of milk to each kid? Each with a straw.

Yeah, whole milk. That was when they would run those commercials when it said, like, milk, it does a body good. And the kid who's getting bullied drinks milk and then he turns into 6'10. Milk was everywhere back then. I think that's the winner. I got a one seed. All right, what do you got? All right. The opening scene of the movie is shot

in the Great American shopping mall. And that's not enough. Specifically, crisp in silk clothes, a ponytail, and smoking a cigarette is walking through the mall. And what does he pass behind him? A Brookstone store. Oh, wow. That is the shit.

Brookstone that is funded almost exclusively by divorced dads who would pay $2,500 for a massage chair in 1990. And you'd go in there and just fuck around and try stuff when you went there with your friends. Brookstone, and they're like blood-crip battle with a sharper image. That was so 1990 and crisp walking past it with a SIG. Amazing.

Incredible. Great job by you. I think that beats milk. I think that beats Arnold's pet ferret. I think it beats the cars. The cars are very 1990 in this movie, including one of those old cabriolet. Yeah.

She got a geotracker. I looked that shit up. A red geotracker. It's awesome. And then every single moment, second everything with Richard Tyson in this movie, just feels like it could only have happened in 1990. 1991, no, 89, no.

90, yes. Yep. That's it. It's the only year he could have been in this. The Floyd Gondoli, butter in my ass and lollipops in my mouth award for something I just enjoy. Yeah. No surprise, but for me, it's Arnold just delivering,

not the Arnold lines like the home run money shot lines that they know are going to crush, but him just say normal, basic things. I'm the potty pooper So good He uses the dolls To look up to girl skirts I coach basketball

And old girl's school In Rhode Island There is no bathroom Back to the carpet If he does it again I press charges I like that one Just

Any line is perfect with him And I was really fun to write those out As Arnold Like Arnold English Versus actual English But yeah It's just I'm always going to enjoy it for the rest of my life hearing him just say normal lines.

Did you have any thoughts, Bill, on what kind of system John Kimball ran when he was coaching basketball? Was it like a spread system? Was it a zone defense? Like a patino, like press trap? All up and down the court, full court press, slapping the floor man to man. When did he ever even hold a basketball? I can't think of a time. He says in this movie, he says he grew up in Austria.

Well, that was my answer. I enjoy and I respect in Arnold movies when they take the care to address why the fuck this guy talks like this and sometimes they don't do it. They're like, screw it, jingle all the way. He lives in the suburbs, married to Rita Wilson, no reason at all for his voice or his physique.

This one, they're like, well, he grew up in Austria and that's why he talks. I appreciate that. Sometimes they just ignore that shit, but I love that they do it here. It would be like, yeah, they'll have movies where he's just like Don Smith. Yeah, no big deal.

And he says, California. He's like, why has Mr. Smith talk that way? And why does he look like he does $2.75 for reps on the incline press? What that fuck is with Mr. Smith? What's age the best? I'll start us off with Astoria, Oregon. Yeah. It just seems like the best place on Earth.

I have no idea if it is. Whatever, however they film this, it just seems like the happiest, nicest place you could ever raise a kid except for unless Chris shows up and sets fire to your school library, sets off a massive shooting. Terrorizes the patrons of the local toy store, too. I remember when you did the Rudy Pod, and we were just like, this is just an infomercial for the Notre Dame campus.

Every person wants to apply to Notre Dame after this is so beautiful. And this is the story in the heels of several years earlier where the Goonies was, and it's on the beach, and there's pirate ships. So, like, the story was a beautiful place back. I never been, but it looks great in movies. I have Jason Reitman as the boy that Kimball catches kissing somebody when there's the fire. And Jason Reitman is the little kid that runs out. Or like he's like a 13-year-old.

Arnold's beard, we mentioned child abuse plots in the 80s and 90s as a plot device as we're just starting to figure out that child abuse might be bad. I would say that's age the best because now I think we have a better handle on that. That it's bad. Yeah, I think we have a zero tolerance policy now. 1990, maybe not. Maybe it's like, hey, can look at it from both sides. Well, you remember those like, when they would say coming up on a very special episode of

growing pains. Oh, yeah. And it would be like Mike Sieber tries drugs or like the different strokes article or episode where the guy who run the bike store is like trying to get with Arnold. Like they would do those things all the time. And that's how we learned about this stuff. Different strokes did two of them because there's another one. Now, Gordon Jump as the pedophile bike shop guy.

Yep. who really took some liberties with Dudley. We still don't really know what happened. We don't want to talk about it, but something bad probably happened and Arnold foiled it. There was another one with somebody who locked Arnold in a room

and was trying to get it out with Dana Plato, who was like 12. That was like the lot. Different strokes went back to the world multiple times. And then Family Ties was the other one that had no problem crossing the line with anything.

This is how hard We're about to nerd out. I can think of a third different strokes episode in which the son from over the top, the annoying kid is from the military school. He's in it. And I think he's selling drugs to Arnold and his best friend. It's like they did him like once a month they were doing a very special episode. Those were the normal episodes.

Facts of Life did it too. This is what we grew up with. This is why kindergarten cop, we hit this point where everybody's like, fuck it. No big deal. Yeah. Fine. Any what stage the best for you? Yeah.

I have a, I have two. great poster. And you know what I miss, Bill? You'll totally get this. I miss when it was one name over the poster and just the last name. Schwarzenegger, Stallone, not Sylvester, not Arnold.

And this is kind of cool because I saw the poster for Project Hill made. Yeah, look at that. Look at that. They don't even need to say Arnold. But I just saw the poster for Project Hail Mary

and it just says Gosling. There's no Ryan. I was like, that isn't such a status symbol that they don't put any other actors. They don't even put your fucking first name, just the last name. And I feel like it's kind of throwback. Very cool.

It's a great point. There was some stuff in the 80s that we were just doing better. Another was Sports Illustrated covers. Oh, yeah. They would just have the one picture with as tight of a headline as possible and the Sports Illustrated. And especially in the late 70s, 80s, it got to the point you couldn't wait to see what the cover was.

And then they started cluttering it with all these other things on it. but the best covers I ever had were just a picture with like a small headline. Sometimes we didn't have a headline. Same thing with the posters. I just think we started overthinking the posters. That's the kind of poster. Put your star.

Last name, we're ready to go. What's your other one? What's the age is the best? Ponytailed villains. Like this, I have my handful of my favorites and Crisp is way up there. I got Ben Kingsley and sneakers,

which we did, a guy, a man who's been knighted who has a ponytail. Yeah. My guy Julian Sands in the movie Warlock goes with a heavy ponytail. Sam Jackson and Jackie Brown is braided. And then one that's near and dear to you, I think you have to have Terry Silver on the list from Karate Kid 3. And then again, in Cobra Kai. And then I got crisp with thick side parted ponytail. It's really, really cool. I miss, they don't do that anymore. It's a great point. Did you have a friend who occasionally went ponytail and it would completely change his personality?

I had a friend who went rat tail, which was much different. And that was like shaved short and just an isolated ponytail. Did you have a ponytail? Or were you a ponytail guy? No, my hair goes up, not down. Oh, yeah, same. No, we had in my bar restaurant days, my roommate actually, Richard, aka Ricky, who was the guy who got us the illegal cable box that allowed me to watch four straight years of illegal pay-per-view movies.

He had long hair and sometimes he could go ponytail with it. and it was a complete game changer. Like he would just immediately look like he was one of the villains in an early 90s movie. And then when he didn't have it, it was like normal. And then the ponytail would swing it. And he became kind of like a little dangerous looking.

I was always jealous of it. The kids now call it aura. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, well, what's up with this guy? Great shot Gorder Award for most cinematic shot.

The nightmare scene is good. It's a good zag. Because you just think he fell asleep with the kid. And then all of a sudden, Chris is him. Denethe's Benihana Award scene-silling location, obviously Astoria. Yeah, that's awesome. Big Kahuna Burger Award, best use of food and drink.

It's got to be the milk. It's 100% the milk. And how about it's not easy to create sexual tension with a beverage like milk. And she straight up wipes it off his lip as there's 20 sleeping kids there. I mean, they're halfway to third base at that point. Canelope is so horny in this movie. She really is. She's way into Mr. Kimball.

God bless her. Turns out she likes big guys. Oh, yeah. We have a special one, the Steven Seagal shitting on himself award for most unbelievable anecdote from the actual film shoot.

I always try to use this category. I'm so glad you have it. What is it? Always a pleasure to put this on. So I have, this is from the premiere article, and they ask the kids what they think of Arnold.

Mm-hmm. And Arnold claims kids love when they, kids love when they can teach a grown-up. So, of course, they all started doing No, No, Do It This Way. And then Premier asked, what did the kids think of Arnold? According to Meta, a six-year-old girl, Arnold is strange as a teacher, but I like him. Says Jim Jim, another five-year-old with a giggle, he picks his nose.

I saw him pick his nose lots of times. I saw him eat like a pig once. Ew. Nonetheless, Jim Jim wants to grow up like Schwartzanger, if only because he can lift everyone up. This is just in the Premier magazine. So in the movie. Arnold picks his nose? That's your anecdote? Yeah, I can see that.

Giant nose. And then Arnold had some tidbits. He said he took his role seriously as the leader on the set and the teacher. I always gave them kind of the tough talk because they believed it 100%. A kid would be crying because she fell on her knees. I would say, why are you crying? Because my knee hurts. I'd say, but this sounds like a little girl.

Real tough people don't cry. Really? Yeah, they don't cry. They fall in their knees. They look at it. Maybe tears come to their eyes, but then they swallow and say, to hell with it.

So what? And the kid looks at me and says, it's a good idea. Whenever they're tuned into you and you can get a message through to them, you can move on with something. So Arnold's basically, he's like,

I really taught these kids how to be tougher on the set. I think he took real pride in it and he sounds like a psycho. Like there's no way now, people like, hey, the star of your movie, uprated my daughter

because she fell and heard her knee and told her to be tough and shake it off. I'm calling HR. But no, 1990, we were fine. They wanted him to do it. I think Arnold was very intense about fitness and wellness and diet

and all that stuff. There's that scene where he's got the kids doing the sit-ups and you could tell, like, maybe those kids are getting a little tired, Arnold, they're like six years old. They can't really bang out 100 crunches, and he was still coaching them to do it. I love it. Yeah, kids at this point, it's a miracle if they're potty trained and not like having meltdowns. Arnold's like, hey, I need you to do 100 sit-ups.

He really was making them work out on the set, like trying to get out and keep everybody exercise. All right, you have a flex category. What do you got? Well, I'm a little disappointed. I thought there might be a porn parody where Kimball sleeps with all the horny single moms, but there, I look, there is no kindergarten.

I said they looked as well. Yeah, there was one of my, I don't know if we're both on a watch list now because Googling kindergarten cop porn parody probably immediately puts you on a watch list, but I did look as well. It's fine. In my next window over,

my next tab, is Crisp's ponytail reel? I'm searching all kinds of weird shit for this. No, I went with the Bam out of Iowa award for where the hell did these 83 points come from. I understand that Ivan Reitman had worked with Arnold, and I'm sure he had the highest hopes

for how Arnold's acting might be in this big project. But when he's sitting there, that dinner scene and that fancy restaurant, and Arnold is just throwing those eyes over at Penelope and there's real actual chemistry and you feel like Arnold is in love with her. Reitman had to be like, cut. Arnold, holy shit!

That was great! We're moving on, let's go. And he had to be, that had to exceed his greatest expectations because that's real acting Arnold's doing. Oh, that's a good call. I'm proud of him. Should we cover another thing? No, no.

Don't get mad. Everybody crazy? Did you see what he just did? No way. The Butch's Girlfriend Award for Weeklink of the film. Okay. The mother-son relationship with Crisp and his mother in this movie is abjectly bonkers. To the point where are we sure they were mother and son?

Are we sure she wasn't like a sugar mama and they were pretending to be mother's son, but it was just like some rich lady that he was having sex with? because no mother and son interact like this ever. In real life, in movies, there's like sexual attention with him. He keeps kissing her. It's fucking weird. And I don't really fully understand

what they're trying to do here. Tell you what, young people out there, ladies, guys, whatever, if you meet someone, if you meet a man and they address their mother as mother run, that is not a good thing.

No one should be saying, mother, don't do that. I have one of my best friends from high school, we always joke about this movie that with the two of them, he thinks that he thinks that Chris is still on the tit. He thinks that he's actually

nursing still and that there should be a scene with that. It's heavily edible. It's so weird. And I think that they may like sleep naked and cuddle each other. It's like game of Thrones when the 13 year old was nursing. Yes. Yeah. What does that guy see? A kid who sits up

from the nipple with the milk running up, Except this guy's like 30. That's amazing. Yeah, I mean, I would believe that. I would believe any version of however you wanted to describe the relationship between these two people, but it's not mother and son. I don't know what's happening. Let me drop one more on this.

Because I had this on what's age of the worst. She goes to the local pharmacy. What's age the worst? Rectal thermometers, that was really a thing back in the day where you would come home and be like, Mom, I don't feel so good. And she'd be like, grab your ankle. and spread your cheeks. I'm putting it right up your ass.

98.6. If you went into CBS today, do they still have rectal thermometers? Are those still a thing? No way, right? We really wish we had Craig here, because this is like, especially to answer,

weird questions like this. Yeah, so Craig, imagine you felt like you might have had a fever and you go to your mom and she takes your temperature, but not like under your tongue. It would go in your bottle and they would like looved,

and that was, I don't think it was even that strange. I think a lot of people did it. I know nobody who did this. You never had it? I don't think so. So my interpretation of that was rectal thermometer was to insinuate like how evil this person was

because it's like she won't just take your temperature. She's going to really take your temperature. And she did it to Chris though. Chris when he was growing up. Right. And I'm sure that at that pharmacy there were many conventional thermometers available, including the digital kind by 1990. No, you can't get a true reading of the temp unless you go rectal.

And you have to buy like lube. like how disgustingly sadistic is a rectal thermometer. Just, just feel your kid's forehead and move on. I'm glad we talked about this. Definitely. Got to hit it. Did you have the same week link? My weak link is,

Pamela Reed is a very good actress. I got enough of that character. I don't need all of the eating and the puking. I think there's a lot of it. And I just, it's not my favorite part of the movie. Yeah. What stage is the worst?

The big ending with an active shooter, arsonist in an elementary school. Just bizarre decision. I love it. Playing who's your daddy, having a pet ferret. And there was a standalone sequel called Kindergarten Cop 2 in 2016 starring Dolph Lundgren that I guess

we're just not going to talk about. And Bill Bellamy. I watched the trailer yesterday and it was a terrible use of 60 seconds. Bad. Rectal thermometer wins, but what else do you have? I have rectal thermometer written down.

I could have picked 50 different things. How about this? How about climbing the rope in gym class? That's not a thing anymore. You would climb 30-some feet, touch the ceiling of a gymnasium, and they would have a two-inch pad down on the floor in case you fell.

It's a fucking preposterous thing to have. That's not it. My kids don't climb the rope in gym class. They had kindergarteners doing it in this movie. Another one, which you mentioned earlier, was the little kid looking up little girl's skirts for comedy's sake. Come on.

Plus, like, the whole explanation of the mom being relieved that maybe he's not going to wear skirts. Everything about that probably age the worst. Trying to think what else. The hotel, like, just them staying in the same hotel room. I don't know if that's a nitpick or a would stage the worst, but just get two rooms. You're in the middle, nowhere in Oregon. Like, you could probably get side by side with the doors that open and closed. They're like roommates.

Why? I'm not really sure. They sleep in the same room. they had no problem having the plane ticket. I don't think there's that tight of the budget. But it is a little weird. It just makes it so that he can walk in on with the fiancé scene and the pasta, which is a very great scene.

Any other would stage the worst? No, we've covered all of mine. We're going to take a break and then we'll come back with the hands with the Hans Gruber scale. Next. The playoffs are here and you can predict the action all the way to the finals with Fandul predicts. Follow all the playoff dishes, swishes, wishes, and misses. Predict the spread, the total points, and even the game winner. Sign up for Fandual Predicts and predict it from the couch.

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Chris mom here. I don't know where you want to go. I would go crisp. I like crisp. I think he's weird and scary. And he has that scene in the interrogation room. He's just like, my old lady left me because of the money. Yours left because she couldn't stand the side of you. And he's talking shit to Schwarzenegger and it works. But it's just like the ponytail does so much of the heavy lifting and the wardrobe. I'm here for it. I like it. I have him at like a six, five on the gruber scale. He doesn't get as much to work with. But I like him. You want the mom? I'm out of four. I'm out of four for both of them.

Chris isn't doing it for you. I expected to show up to this pod and you'd be like, I just want to talk about Chris for 90 minutes. It's not doing it for you. Well, there's also, there's baggage with him because he's in 3 o'clock. Richard Tyson's at 3 o'clock high, which he was good in.

But then is in Two Moon Junction with Sherilyn Fen, which was one of the pre-skin-a-max, like early nudie cable movies that was on. And it was just really weird to then just see him in this. movie two years later, when you're just thinking of him over and over again having slow-motion sex with Sherilyn Fenn. And now he's Chris.

This is the first movie I ever saw him in thinking of him having slow-motion sex with his mom. So maybe that's the reason. My issue with him, you like more than I do. Yeah. Our guy Brad Wesley from Roadhouse, who every scene he's in, he's equally like loathom. and I think he's supposed to serve the same purpose as Chris. But every scene he's in is hilarious. Everything he does is hilarious.

The people around him are hilarious. And it's just like he kind of plays it perfectly. I still don't understand what Crisp is doing in this movie. Exactly. Is he evil? Like, I guess he's evil because he steals the race car set from that poor guy who was just trying to bring it to his kid. That's like, and then he shoots somebody once.

But it's, and all of a sudden he's burning a library. I just don't know what to make a crisp. And then in his final scene with Dominic, he goes for the Academy Award when he's just pulling him in like this. And I'm like, you're my son. Like, he's really going for it. Whereas as your point, Brad Wesley, you know, goddamn J.C. Penny is coming because of me.

Right. That's a line right there. I want him to actually probably be more evil. I think he's in kind of no man's land from an evil standpoint. They need like four more evil things. I read something that they thought that he wasn't evil enough and that they were actually sympathizing with him test audiences. And so they added some nasty.

shit and probably including the totally gratuitous thing where he beats up some man who wants to race cars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Roughlow Hannah Rubenic Perchard's overacting award. We just did it, Richard Tyson. He's going for it. Dominic! He's doing streetcar name Desire.

Like, he is going for it in the monologue. He's trying to win the Academy Award. And I don't know that's going to happen. But I like Chris, though. Special category. Okay. The Ed Norton Reverse Dunk Award for did this movie need a random sports scene? What do you got?

This goes back to the earlier thing we're talking about is like, do we need one or two more scenes of Donald than the kids? Like a recess, like a game of tag or a little dodgeball maybe, Arnold playing dodgeball. I'm just not turning the channel for three minutes. Not a chance. Yo, I hit you. Come on. Come on. And they would have beat Billy Madison to it who did dodgeball like a few handful of years later.

That would be great. You could talk me to some. kickball, any sort of recess activity with Arnold grunting in a big shirt. Arnold ordering people around. Like maybe child abuse kid is the hero of the dodge ball game. Falls makes the catch, falls on his disturbingly bruised back. Like, yeah. I don't know.

There's just, I just would have liked something. All right. The CR thinks Luke Wilson could have been Harrison Ford. How does take word? What do you got? Bill, I'm team crisp in this movie. I sympathize with Chris. I'll tell you why.

I'm stunned by this. I thought we'd be making fun of him way more. No, this character just wants to be with his son. You can't just take a child and run across the country. Fathers have rights. What is this alleged criminal past he has? He's not in prison. It sounds to me like Kimball is obsessed with him, is a loser.

Remember, Kimball won't go and get his own son, who he's estranged from. Chris just wants his son. So he executes some junkie who's trying to extort him for money. Not a chance. I think Crisp is actually the sympathetic figure here. And I think that Arnold is this sort of predatory teacher and the mom is bipolar. And Chris is like, I got to get my kiddo out of there. Just me.

And as soon as they get to town, he buys them a toy. The mom buys medicine. They're looking out for the child. And I'm team Crisp in this. I think it's like a Johnny Lawrence karate kid thing where we need to look at this way differently. So it's like over the top, Stallone's the hero trying to reunite with his kid. No different here with Chris. this is a divorce movie like over the top

listen Arnold when they took Alyssa Milano from you and Commando you took a guy's head off with a sawblade to get her back like you understand Chris just wants his son and I think that belongs in court and we can settle it Arnold doesn't understand in this movie because he abandoned his child we don't even know where that kid is I had a child with that yeah my son Alex I used to read him this book

why the fuck are you in a story with these kids go find your son man like Chris would do the real hero this movie That's the hot take. It's a great one. Really impressive. What do you got? Mine is, this movie spawned so many bad rip-off versions of it with famous actors trying to pull off kindergarten cop.

It's almost better. I would sacrifice this movie and have it have never happened to save ourselves from the 40 terrible movies that came out after this. It's a little like a Dr. Oppenheimer thing. Like, is it, if Dr. Oppenheimer just gets, It's wiped out. Are we saved from nuclear war? Does nuclear war happen anyway? Kindergartenkopf, if we just wipe it out, are we saved 40 terrible movies that you and I have both watched with our kids and have just hated ourselves as we sat there wondering what

happened? See, this is why you're you, because you'll have nuclear war and we get to avoid the movie called The Tooth Fairy. It's apples for apples. And I agree. You know what Arnold proves to, like, he is so talented and so charismatic. It's hard to talk to children. I'm talking about you, me. If you go to a friend's house and, like, they have like a seven-year-old and they walk in, you'll be like, hey, buddy, and you'd either do that dumb kid voice where you talk really high or you, it's just, it's hard to talk to kids that you don't know very well. Yeah. He does it in this movie beautifully. It's not that easy. Can I give a tip to the Westerns just in case they don't know how to do this? Because I feel like I'm great with kids and dogs. Kids and dogs are

really my wheelhouse. Sure. Just talk to them like a normal human being. Don't raise your voice. Don't treat them like they've had some sort of head injury. Just like, just try to interact with them and make eye contact with them. And guess what? They'll probably have a conversation back with you.

This isn't hard. But it's one of those things you don't realize until you have kids and you watch how people talk to your kids and you're like, why is this person talking to my five-year-old daughter like she should be wearing a helmet? Like, what's happening right now? My daughter can have a conversation with you. Like, she's not an idiot. Go.

Talk to her. Anyway. When the kid walks in, you go, hey, bud. And you're like, dial it down. Heard you like the Lakers. How school? I would give the same advice also for talking to seniors. Like, they've seen some shit.

You can just talk to them normally. They'll be fine. Yeah. Yeah. Get it on with them. Just say anything. They're ready to go. Bring up politics.

Give me your best punch. Bring up politics. They're ready to roll right away. Oh, hell, yeah. What do you think about this Iran situation? Let's talk immigration. Yeah, they're ready. Casting what ifs.

Bill Murray and Patrick Swayze were considered for the lead role before Arnold. Bill Murray, no way. I can't see him interact with kids. No way. That's not where my interest is. Let's get to the second one. Swayze could have done this. I think it would have been a really interesting movie for him,

a year and a half after Roadhouse Swayze had the unintentional comedy at least a little bit. I would still maybe lean more toward like a Keanu Reeves late 90s situation if I was going to go out of the box with extra heroes. Yeah, like a hard ball. But I think we were in the right hands

with Arnold there. Yeah, there's this crazy part where Chris breaks into the school and tells Mr. Kimball that he used to fuck teachers like him in prison. And it was like, it didn't test well with audiences. Yeah, they took that out.

He already has that scene in Roadhouse where he's like, it is my way or the highway, you're the bounce. That's him talking to the kids. That would work. And then he rips, throw out. Well, could we have merged those two movies together? Could kindergarten cop have just been gotten?

Yeah, he's like the cooler. Sam L.A., it shows up halfway through. So I don't understand. This is in the research, and it seemed real. But Ivan Reitman did consider Danny DeVito. and decided the height thing was going to be too weird. I can't imagine why Danny DeVito would be kindergarten cop. It's a completely different movie.

I'm also not against it because he's smaller. He can relate more with the kids, but it just seems bizarre to me. I don't know. Well, I just don't buy him as a police officer. It's got to be something else. It's funny that he's the same size as the kids. It's the opposite joke, but obviously they made the right choice.

Catherine O'Hare was considered for the lead female role. Love that. Was busy with Home Alone? couldn't do it. Sandra Bullock was considered for the role of Joyce, who I think was the child abuse mom. That's young, man.

And failed to impress Ivan Reitman. Didn't get it. Elijah Wood also did not get the part. Elijah Wood can't get in the classroom. He's great. Three years later, he's in the good son. Christian Slater was considered for crisp because Ivan Reitman liked him in Heather's.

And Slater turned it down. Did pump up the volume. Great choice. That's fine. Yeah. Played hard, Harry. I don't know if this is true, but Audrey Hepburn was offered the role of Eleanor Chris but turned it down because she loves children.

Very strange. No idea if that's true. And buying the rectal thermometer? Yeah. I think that's a little beneath her. Yeah. Best that guy award. So the guy driving the armored truck in the beginning of heat, who is also in LA

confidential. Let's go. The first guy Arnold punches in this movie. whatever that guy's name is. He wins again. You're referring to the legendary Thomas Rosales, Jr., who slaps a woman in the first few minutes of a PG-13 movie and is in everything. And he is the driver.

We're being held up on the radio. That guy's a legend. See that shit coming out of their ears, slick? I can't fucking... But I'd be remiss not to shout out. Stephen Park, aka the legend, Mike Yanagita, is in kindergarten cop. And if you don't know this,

He's in one scene. He's looking over the dead body of the OD'd girlfriend, and it's totally straight, and there's no Yanagita at all. But I was out of the couch, off the couch, on the couch, Tom Cruise style, when Yankeeda showed up. I rewound him. That was, Gus Johnson doing Yankeeta might have been your highlight on rewatchable 30 episodes.

Dion Waiters Award, probably one of the kids. I think I might be partial to the girl who, just seemed like she was in a different movie. The one with the overalls that she can't get off and has to go to the bathroom. Yeah, and then later, she's kind of like battling Arnold. And there's just something really funny about that kid. I don't feel like any of that stuff was scripted.

I think they probably brought her in and were like, wow, this girl's a fucking wildcard. Just keep the cameras rolling. She'll do something weird. It's that girl who is excellent or it's penis vagina, which he says, Phidina. The kid who plays penis vagina kid was the year prior

in Pet Cemetery as gay. like the devil baby from the cemetery, and he was like three years old, like slashing Achilles. That kid worked. I think he still works. The kid who played Dominic was actually two twins, the cousin twins.

Yeah, I think this was the highlight for them. Recasting Couch Director City, I have a lot of thoughts here. Well, I have three. Do you have one before I do mine? Okay. Yeah.

Sitting right there. James Cameron. What are we doing? Let's do this thing. Let's get Jamie Lee as the other teacher. It's already Arnold protecting a kid as he's going to do a couple years. later, let's up the production value and the violence.

Although James Cameron would probably see it, be like, yeah, but what if the students were like really tall and blue and had tails and some dumb shit like that? But at the time, Cameron was in his prime, and I would have liked to see him more with Arnold. What do you got? Arnold's one of the three biggest stars in the world at this point. Definitely. Ivan Reitman, I think, is one of the four most proven directors at this point for big

budget movies that you know you're going to make the money back. I don't know why the cast isn't like bigger and more ambitious. I'd like to offer you Julia Roberts as the teacher on the run. Why not? Yeah. I'd like to offer you Nick Cage in the in the Chris part.

Nice point of his career. That's fantastic. I'd like to offer you Faye Dunaway or Shirley Maclean as the mom. Let's go Oscar winners. Ellen Burstyn, come on down. Let's get somebody who's actually like bet in the Oscar conversation.

But this is the big egregious one. If I could change anything, it would be this. Kathleen Turner, can't you come in for two scenes to play the Moriarty? The Kathy Moriarty part? Just come in and can you throw 99 for two scenes? Just hit the corners. Just do your thing. What about Kimball's partner?

Could you do Meg Ryan there? Or she needs to be the female lead? I don't think it can be somebody you feel like Arnold is going to try to fuck during the movie. Yeah. So you really like right on the line, you have to be, she has to kind of feel like she might blow him if you put two glasses of wine in her has that kind of vibe,

but he's going to stay away. Because she's flirting with him a couple of times. Yeah, she kisses him on the lips at the end of the movie. Yeah, what is that? A little sweet on him. Yeah. So normally Craig has a flex category here, but he's not with us.

So I'm going to do a special category in his honor. The Rick Siketti Guard Meat Award for Most Memorable Death by a Security Guard or other bystander, who the movie treats as inconsequential, but who probably had a spouse and kids who love him. Poor guy goes to the local toy store to get a race car set for this kid.

Miss Christmas, didn't really understand that part. I was late on Christmas. I got to make it up to him, whatever it was going on. I don't know how you're late on Christmas. Does he say late on Christmas? He said, I missed Christmas. It was something about making up for Christmas.

Yeah. Bies this race car set, won't get bribed for it, really committed to it. And then I guess just gets murdered on this side of the road. He gets knocked out. He gets slammed into the door. Like, he's out, out cold right there on the sidewalk. Maybe worse.

Like, he might be, I've watched it a lot of the pit the last couple weeks. He might be on the tube. Sure. Like, he might be like the family is trying to decide whether take him off the ventilator or not. All he's trying to do is just buy a race car set for his kid. So I think he wins that. And the guy who's refusing to sell it is, polite. Like he's not an asshole to him.

And he's honestly like trying to make, maybe he didn't have much money around Christmas time. And now he scraped it together and his kids always want this. And our boy, Chris, just knees to the balls, head to the door. And it's really tough. Half Ascent Research, they actually filmed all this at Astoria at the John Jacob Astor Elementary School. Sure. Great tidbit here. Arnold insisted on a private studio for daily workouts.

They basically built him a gym. I always love hearing this. Days of Thunder, I think, was the best one when Simpson and Brookheimer built like the three-story. They basically built an Equinox. They spent like $2 billion. Yeah. Stephen Root is in five scenes that are cut out of the movie for some reason,

I guess for time. Oh, he's awesome. Yeah, I don't know. I know nothing other than that anecdote. My stapler. April Fool's 2012 is a prank. The Criterion Collection said they were releasing this. as a Blu-ray disc.

And everybody's like, what's going on? And now it is on 4K Blu-ray, and Sean Fantasy probably owns it. Definitely. You mentioned the Goonies earlier. Yeah. Somewhere around 1.6 miles away from the school, the house. Oh, cool.

Yeah. Goondocks. Yeah. And then I like this. Ivan Reitman invented the five Reitman rules of filmmaking for the kids. Do you see this? Yeah. No, no, no.

Here are the five rules. Listen. Act natural. Know your character. Don't look in the camera and be disciplined. I think don't look in the camera is probably the big one. I'm sure half of these kids probably just look at them. Everyone wants to look in the camera.

Even adults. Apex Mountain. Arnold, yes, we said that. We got it. That's it. Richard Tyson, I still think it's too Moon Junction. I felt like he was going to be a big star after that.

Penelope Miller, I don't know. Let me tell you something about her. Let's give her a credit. She has a very cool factoid about her that she, in a very small period of time was in movies with Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, and Marlon Brando. Like all three godfathers.

That's pretty badass. And she holds her own. And Arnold Schwarzenegger, of course. Yeah, so she, I forgot to do her little run. She's perfectly lovely, very good actress, still in the game. Like, she does her thing in this movie.

Her IMDB, the known for a fun game to see what IMDB decides the four. Carlito's Way, kindergarten cop, the artist and the freshman. With Brando. Those are the four they went for him. Apex Mountain, hybrid action kids' movies? I think yes.

Yeah, because we get so many kids' sports movies, like Mighty Ducks and stuff like that, but not with shooting and killing and shotgunning people. That's pretty rare. This is it. Ivan Reitman, probably Ghostbusters. Have to be. Astoria, yes.

Undercover cop movies, no. Tumers, I think, yes. Tuma. I mean, yeah, Amani tumor did beat the 18 in a fun way. Tumors in a fun way, yes. Fun tumors. Honestly, if someone told you, they set you down and they're like, God, I have some really bad news.

Like, they discovered a tumor. There's a sick voice in your head that would say it's not a tumor. That's just how we're programmed at this point. Not a tumor. Sorry, those are the rules. And then I'm going to add this. I didn't have this in my initial notes, but you nailed it. Brookstone.

Oh, fuck, yeah. Because Brookstone has when Harry Met Sally the year before with fringe on top in front of Ira! Yes. But it has a whole... I think that's Brookstone. Is it sharper image or Brookstone?

I thought it was Brookstone. Because it felt like the same stores to me. They basically were. I feel like Juliet Limon's going to crash into the taping right now. Be like, it's fucking sharper image, you dumbass. But yeah, Brookstone, it's right around here. And we all... I was in college back then.

You would walk into the Brookstone. You weren't buying anything. Never. You could walk around 45 minutes. Everything was like a hundred. $180 or $60 or $90, the person would always come over and say, can you help you? No, you can't. And then you would be like holding like a jelly hand crunch to make your grip better.

You can do the grip. And they would have those things where if you pull one marble to the right, it sets off the back and forth chain reaction of the marble. Try some headphones on. Whoa. These headphones are great. Like there was a thing of nails where if you put your hand in the nail tray, it would make the shape of your hand.

It's like for douchebags to have in their office, like we think that they're 1990s, Don Draper. That's the specialty there. The chairs were really the key. If you could sit in a massage chair for five minutes without going to yell that, it was a big win. Cruise or Hanks? This is clearly Cruz.

There's no question. You think it's Hanks? No, no, no. I can see Hanks with the kids. I want it to be Cruz for 50 different reasons. Why do you pick Cruz? A home run for Cruz. Because Cruz never did a movie like this.

And honestly, other than Jerry McGuire, I don't remember him interacting with kids in any movie. I feel like he's in the full Jerry Maguire, like, desperation mode. He's at the end of his rope. And it's like, teaching you kids is an up at dawn pride-swallowing siege. It's that cruise.

Plus, then we get to pretend, we have to see him, like, try to connect with Penelope romantically, and that's always good sport. No, you left out first day of kindergarten cruise. Him losing his mind! When he sits on the piano,

Shut up! Shut up! Yeah. Although I want Cruz's crisp, too. Like, I'm still here for that in Frank T.J. Mackey mode. I can do that as well. Oh, I like that. Scorsese or Spielberg, clearly Spielberg.

Those were too easy. The Scorsese would just, there'd be just so many drugs. And I'm not talking about, on crisp. I'm talking like Kimball would be strung out because his parents are, or his family's not around, and he wants to get revenge. A lot of drugs. Probably pretty good. What's your favorite picking it from this movie?

I have the fact that Here's him Chris and Kimball should fight at the end Instead of the gunshots And instead of the bloody killing Have a fight The Farrant comes out And maybe Dominic gets away

And then Chris is like So I've always wanted to do this Kimball Let's go, you and me And they have a big brawl in the shower room That's like standard operating procedure for these movies Before I know why they don't fight there Yeah, they should fight You think Wrightman thought

maybe it just wouldn't be realistic for Arnold to lose or be in danger in a shower fight. Well, you do, there's the classic hack for that. You let Arnold take a bullet first. One arm. Great point. Yeah, so it's a tough one because I'm trying to think, like, I was talking about Chuck Norris movies. Chuck Norris died a couple weeks ago. Never got his just doing rewatchables.

I know. I don't know what the right movie. He doesn't, the most rewatchable movie for me that he made of asylum rage. But I think I love silent rage. Oh, you like silent rage? It's not a big list, people that like it. You know who turned me on to silent rage? I'm not making this up.

Aaron Rogers interviewed him years ago, and he made a joke about silent rage. It was like, that's a cool reference. And I didn't know it very well. Went and watched it, hilarious movie, great villain. And I became a fan since then. That was like five or six years ago. He loves it. But Delta Force is probably the one, right?

Well, Chuck, so I think I had, my favorites are missing in action, too. Code of Silence, the Chicago movie he made, which is like a really good Chicago movie and every Chicago actor is in it. Like all of them. Every 80s Chicago actor, I don't know if you've seen it. I haven't.

I don't know that movie. You're a Chicago guy. I know. You gotta cue that one up. I demand that you watch that. It's a Pluto to be special. I'll watch it. Lowell-Mulf McQuaid,

Mission Action 2 in Silent Range. And three of those movies, Chuck was at least, Chuck couldn't act. God bless Chuck. I enjoy Chuck. I've seen all those movies. He couldn't act.

Not an actor. But he knew there had to be a showdown scene at the end. Yeah. And missing in action too, which is not really not a good movie, but it's better than Mission Action One. It all leads to this evil, sadistic Vietnam guy who's just torturing all the POWs. He's just the worst. You just want Chuck to kick his ass all movie.

And then finally they end up in this cabin, like on stilts. It's like the second floor. They climb up and they're in there. And it's just like, all right, it's fucking Haggar-Herns time. Let's go. Here we go. Ring the bell. And they fight in this thing.

And it's incredible. Yeah. So you're saying Schwarzenegger versus Chris. Yeah. What's like, let's go Chuck Nora style. Let's really like go three, four minutes here. They probably didn't want to do that in a kid's movie. It would be my guess.

Well, and the alternative was the bloody shootout. I just, I always liked the main event. We've sat here for two hours. Now, let's see these guys fight. There's potential of them crashing into the shower and the pipe breaks and there's water. It could have been really cinematic. I like it. I had a couple of nits to pick, including, why did we have to do this undercover sting operation in Astoria?

Like, why not just have the FBI tail crisp? Yeah. I assume John Kimball is, like, reasonably valuable as a police officer. He's got cool beard and sunglasses. He's foiling drug operations. And they're like, we think he might end up going to Astoria. we need two cops to go undercover. Don't really tell anyone what we're up to.

And this is the plot of the movie, I guess. I still don't understand it. I don't know why they had to go. Why don't also, if you did have to go, maybe just take 48 hours and let Phoebe, like, clear up the stomach flu, and then she goes in as the teacher. You have, Chris is incarcerated. There's not that much of a rush.

Right, true. But she gets this like, oh, my stomach. And so he goes in, just take it. easy. Take some metamusal and then go teach the school. Yeah, wait until Wednesday. Well, I had her too. What kind of food poisoning did she? Like, was this the first

COVID case? This was could have been. 30 years before COVID. It was COVID 4. Yeah. It was a prototype of the ritual COVID. She's out for a week and a half. This was like fantasy and Sundance in 2020.

I don't understand why they get two hotel rooms. I don't understand what happened to Arnold's old family. It's so strange. They try to give him something to work with, this subtext about why he's hurting and why he's gravitating towards Dominic. And he's like, yeah, they just moved on. I never see him. Why don't you have joint custody of him? What are you doing? I think the real answer is that should be that Crisp did something to mess up Arnold's family. And that's why he's obsessed with Crisp, like they do in face off. That makes way too much sense. Or my wife thought she was getting

a work visa and couldn't get one and she took the kids back to Austria. Like, at least, come up with some reason that's not like, yeah, I have a kid, I don't know where... No idea. Don't talk to him. How about a long distance call? Could we do that for like a minute? It kind of makes Kimball look like kind of a piece of shit. Like, why are you so empathetic about your son?

Why are you so obsessed with Dominic? You have your own kid. What is this? Here's my big one. Yeah. It's my nitpick. It's also the Vincent Chase Award for I was sure the character was actually good at their job.

Great. The ending. Arnold. Fire drill. loses Dominic immediately. You have one job. Just keep Dominic near you. One job.

Just grab him by the back. He's walking with you. Where you go, he goes. Loses him in 10 seconds. Doesn't shoot the bad guy. Blows that one. Get shot by two different characters. Get shot by the entire Chris family.

And then has to be saved by his partner who miraculously wakes up. Just an abomination of a job. Terrible. his partner with a baseball bat who's not even armed. When that fire limb went off, dude, just grab Dominic.

The other kids for the purpose of this mission could die in the fire. Get Dominic out of here. Dominic! Dominic! It just grabs him like nothing. They know the guys out that the witness is dead.

They're waiting for something. Sequel, prequel, prestige TV, all blackcasts are untouchable. I can't say I wouldn't watch the first episode of a prestige remake. A remake?

Yeah, I'd probably test drive it. You go Alan Richson, who's Reacher, as John Kimball in the Schwarzenegger role. And then as Crisp, you have some badass actor at Paul Mescal or Barry Keoggan or one of those sweet actors. It could work. I'm going to zag on you. What are you going? Can I offer you a little Travis Kelsey? Good.

We need some more of this. The Kelsey's, we got to get that name out there. Maybe Jason can play crisp And Travis can play Kibble I'm trying to think of an athlete Like could I offer you Marshawn Lynch You're always selling Marshawn

I'm good with Marshawn He lives on planet Marshawn We try to sell Marsha for the Fire Bowl role And Running Man I'm good Yeah okay I was trying to think of some athlete Aaron Rogers That's Chris

No he hasn't decided He's playing for the Steelers yet We don't know what his future is Is this movie better with Wayne Jenkins Fergie the florist, Ryan Rucco, Gus Johnson, Zane Lowe, or somebody else? I don't know if you saw this, but at the very end, when they're having the face off, there's a quick shot in the locker room, and there's an announcer's table. And it says, and Gus is there, and he's got an announcement, he's got his microphone,

and he just lets it rip. And it sounds like this. Dominic Chris, young fella, ha, ha! His old man's got a gun to his head in the shower room. Spirit comes out of the sweater. Oh! Hey, Mr. Kimball blows away. I love you, Gus.

I love you, brother. That always kills you every time you do that. It goes your throat. Every time it takes you six months off my life. Like two weeks. Great to have Gus back. Just one of Husker who gets it. I don't know.

The score? I think the hair and makeup people who do Kimball's beard and Chris's ponytail. That's great. That's the people. probably in answer more questions. I got a great one. Let's hear it. Okay.

You're going to love this. So Moriarty comes in, and she's talking about her son, who she is worried is playing with dolls. Yeah. The child's name, Bill, is Sylvester. This is in the middle of the Stallone Schwarzenegger feud. When they're going at each other and taking shots. Wow. Do you not think that Arnold somewhere in a trailer is like,

the one who plays with dolls, let's call him Sylvester. Is that not a veiled shot? He's a girly man, Sylvester. I don't think that's a coincidence. That's amazing. Come on. Sylvester, that's not a normal name. I think you're right.

I want to know Dominic whether that was aimed at anybody to. Maybe we call him Sly. Sly is the boy's son. His name's slide. That's too much, Arnold. Let's stick with Sylvester. I have was Pamela read the poor man's Lori Metcalf or vice versa Both both are great

You could have switched them in every role in the 90s And I think Lori Metcalf easily just could have been the partner in this She's excellent I think Lori Metcalf's in Internal Affairs The same year that Pamela reads in this movie You could just switch them Yeah both just like cool good hangs You can have a beer with like sexy in their own way

Good actors They can play cops and get shot Yes the old kindergarten teacher who John Kimball takes her job talk about it. What happened to her? She had tenure. Where's she go? Gone for four weeks. They just tell her to take a hike. Comes back. Everything's fine. We fixed the school library. Maybe everybody

donate some books. She finally has her job back. She finally has the kids. She's not as cool as John Kimball. She doesn't have a ferret. She didn't foil a crime. Probably trying to work her way back, you know, little Ray Hanley on the Giant style. How do you follow legend? Of course. Just as it's getting good. Here comes John Kimball shows up again with a cane. Kids go nuts. That's it. She's just working at the hardware store the next day. It's done. And he comes in and donks on her with Arnold's repurposing his own line by saying, I'm back. And everyone goes crazy. Like, fuck you, lady. Yeah. The teacher's like, I'm trying to teach some simple two plus three math.

Get out of here, Kimball. You're not even a real teacher. That is strange. Just some lady who lived in Astoria, probably put three kids through the school system, kept her kindergarten job. She'd been there 28 years. Arnold just overnight takes it. Beloved teacher, her life goal to educate young people.

And Arnold, with his lats and traps, comes in. They like him better because he has a stupid ferret. Last one for me. Is this a better movie if Arnold dies? He gets shot by the lady. He's just dead. He doesn't make it. make it.

And we have like at a moment, we almost go, it's like hardball when when G baby dies. It's just, it's a fucking swerp. We don't know. Oh my God. G. Baby's dead. They just kill John Kimball. It's a rap.

He's done. So play this out. Do we, do we get a funeral scene and the children are all in black? We get the most emotional funeral scene. Just tears everywhere. This movie, this is now like the saddest movie of the 1990s. John Kimball, his legacy lives on. we're going to name the John Kimball Library after him

the burn books. There's a statue. It's a collage of burn books in John Kimball's honor. The bathroom. There's some sort of statue of him. Sure. Like, yeah. Is it a bad movie? Dominic takes care of the ferret.

Don't worry about it. We'll do that. There's a scene like in the end when Tony Stark dies and all the Avengers show up in their suits and it's very somber. And then they just roll credits and that's it. I don't know how that would test, especially with the sobbing kids at the funeral.

Yeah. But I like where you're going. It's a huge zag. And it's, we get the boys to men. The end of the road. Yeah, we get the end of the road. It's right around the same time. How about Chris lives too?

And he gets away with Dominic. Like, that's, what's do that? And he raises him with his mother. Kimball's dead. Pamela Reed stays to take over the class. And her fiancee becomes like the Astoria lead chef. And they kind of carry his legacy. I don't know.

Yeah, Dominic's mom hangs herself. Like, we can do that. That might work. Secret Handshake Club memorabilia for the thing you would want from this movie. For me, it's something, Astoria Elementary hat, T-shirt, something from that school. But I couldn't really think of one. What'd you have?

I just want a full head-to-to-to-toe outfit of Crisp. And I want to go to a Halloween party. And imagine the one person who would get, are you? Are you fucking crisp? And I'd be like, yeah, I'm crisp. Look at the ponytail. They would be like, can I take a picture with you? That is the coolest thing.

You're crisp, yeah, I'm Chris. Anybody can take a picture. I'm crisp. That's what I want. So you'd need like the big David Burns suit. Yeah. Ponytail wig and a bad tan. And you're ready to roll.

He looks like the night at the Roxbury guys if they had like Paul Revere's ponytail. That's my look. Best double feature. choice. I have total recall. Let's just show peak of the powers 19, Arnold.

What do you got? Your answer is better. I had home alone. They were running the world. It was all about kids then. It's Arnold. It's everybody. But total recall.

This is the same actor screaming about the give these people air! Yeah. And then he's dating in the same year. That's a great choice. He also makes the same face in each movie when it is the eye bulging.

Ah! Come on! Come on! You think this is the real quid? It is. That's great. Coach Finstock, Mr. Miyagi Award for Best, Worst Life Lesson. Kindergarten teachers still matter.

Look at you. Look at old Simbo getting soft. That's thoughtful. It still matter. They could take a huge difference in lives. They do. You're married. You're allowed to dress like slabs.

I like that their moms say that because it's definitely true. And the athleisure revolution has enabled all of us married people to just dress like pigs half the time. Yeah, and that's probably one of the only benefits from COVID. It's like, you know what? Yeah, pretty awesome. These pants feel great. I'm not going to apologize.

I say, go out and public like this. $200 Lulu lemons. Awesome. I'll just wear them all day. Who won the movie, Arnold Schwarzenegger? Arnold Schwarzenegger, twice in one year, dude. Craig's not here, but we are splicing a special part of the pot. He's just going to pop with a little 90-second.

Here's my review of kindergarten cop, throwing it to him right now. Okay. Kindergarten cop. I watched with my wife Liz. I would say easy watch. Liz and I shared a lot of eye rolls with one another after Arnold's cheesy lines. But by the end of the movie,

you're kind of sold on the whole thing and you kind of come away feeling good. Arnold, man, is just, he's, it's like, watching Arnold in this is like watching like Bill Lambere in the 90s or Roy Hibbert in the early 2010s, where it's just like perfect for the era. No chance this works now.

at all. 90s movies just have a charming obliviousness to them and that's why they work and that's why Arnold works in this. I don't, you could, I guess it's the rock today or something like that or like Ryan Reynolds but there is there is an aspect of this where Arnold is

earnestly trying and I don't know when his career pivoted from people realizing that it's just funny to watch him say funny lines and maybe it was this one but I that that obliviousness of the is why those movies are so great and we're too self-aware now for, I think, that to work again.

I appreciate that they spent all the money on casting Arnold and didn't have much else, which brings me to Richard Tyson, who, my first question was who the hell is this man and what is going on? What's going on here? An unexplored relationship with his mother in this film that we could probably dig into a little bit more. I think he's eligible to replace Judd Elson for the actor that's just doing his in his own movie. award. I will have to give it to the hair and makeup department, though,

because the greasy ponytail was just an absolute perfect choice. They knocked that out of the park. His look, I have no notes. 10 out of 10 on the look. So great job by everybody there. My favorite line from this movie is probably when Arnold meets Pam Reed, and they get partnered together, and there's just one line of exposition where she goes,

so where are you from? And he goes, Austria. And there's just no follow-up. keep moving after that. So I really enjoyed that. I still don't really understand why Richard Tyson needed his son so badly and was willing to like blow up a school for it. But that's not what this movie's about. It's about watching Arnold State Tumor with a bunch of kindergartners. And in that respect, it succeeds. So I'm sure you guys are going to make fun of me coming back here and you're going to pretend that I said something insane. But sure, I'm in.

Thanks, Craig. That was great. Oh, Craig. On fire. Can't believe you hated the movie that much. Can you believe he mentioned the runtime? I mean, incredible stuff. Great job, Greg. Unbelievable.

All right. Kindergarten cop. So I don't know what's next for us. We're a little light on Van Dam. I feel like we addressed Arnold. Yeah. There's a Seagall movie we haven't done yet that you don't like. There's one that we haven't done that we both like, though.

And it stars Wesley Snipes and Snipe's, Sandra Bullock that's not been done. So there's, there's some meat on that bone. The Van Dam thing's going to be tough. We'd have to go into like Lionheart and bloods, kickboxer territory. That might be tough. But I'm open for business anytime you are, dude. The Segal, the, undeadly ground, I've been circling a little bit. I know, yeah. I don't know from a comedy standpoint. I've been looking at that and I'm looking at Mark for death when he fights the Jamaican voodoo gangs and screwface. That's in there for us as well. There's a lot of apples to be picked on the tree before we get to screw face.

There's also like some mid-90s Nick Cage that we could run back. Yeah. There's point break, which we did the first year of this show. I've been pushing for RePoint. Repoint is sitting there. It's an unrecognizable podcast to compare to what it is now. It's just very, very old. A lot of football stuff, everything else.

All right, Kyle Brandt. Any plugs you want to do before we head out of here? No, not, not yet. Just listen to the Rewatchable's podcast. watch good morning football. And I get it all the time, Bill, Kyle, Kyle, what's up, man? Hey, how you doing? Love you on rewatchables.

I love. No, you don't. You love Cobra. That's why you love me unrewatchables. That's what you love. It's so fun, man. Always. All right.

Thank you. Great to see you. Thanks to Eduardo and Gahau as well. We will see you next week. Ironically, you're going to miss it. I think Ghostbusters is happening next week. Oh, it's great. I'll be there listening.

I can't wait. I think it's time. We're due. We're headed toward. Netflix is a joke month and we wanted to bang out like some sort of fun. I think I'm not positive, but I think it's happening. Okay, you got the lineup ready? Like you got the dream team?

You can be going to be studying it, watching it. Yeah, I think we have the right cast of people in place. I can't wait. But anyway, I'll be there as I always have. Kyle Brant, great seat. You too. You can't reason with the sun. Trust us.

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