The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Guardian S101 (December 5, 2005)

Episode Date: September 4, 2022

According to Emily Bell, editor-in-chief of Guardian Unlimited, Gervais and Merchant had approached the Guardian with the idea of the show. Bell believes they switched to a podcast format for greater control over content and access to a larger audience. The first 12 episodes were released free of charge through the Guardian Unlimited website.The first series of podcasts began on 5 December 2005, and a new episode was released each Monday for the next twelve weeks. The show relies heavily on the wit and bizarre theories of Pilkington, who was now unemployed, having left his job as radio producer at XFM. The podcast focuses more on Pilkington as a primary figure of humour in the show in various ways, including questions directed at him that have been emailed in, either by fans of the show or by Gervais and Merchant themselves.

The Ricky Jovey Show on Guardian Unlimited. You're listening to Ricky Javais, with me Stephen Merchant and Carl Pilkington. Now you probably know me from such works as the office and extras. Stephen being my co-writer and co-director on those things. For those people who were not so aware of Carl Pilkington, he was our producer sort of given to us when we first started on XFM and you're thinking, well, why are we doing a podcast for no money? Is it no money?

No, it's free, in it, it's free download. But this is, yeah, this is what I'm here to answer. It's because because because because because because because because th th th th th th th th th thi because thi because I's because I's because I'd thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi, thi. thi. thi, thi. thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thiiiiiiiiii. thi. thii. thi. thi. thi. thi.'t it? It's free download. But this is the, yeah, this is what I'm here to answer. It's because I'd like to be in a room with Carl Pilkington. You know, like some people go and help sort of chimps. Do they? Yeah. Well, they go to the, you know, the jungles and things. Yeah, help out a littleosse of the Manchester scene. Of the little bald mank world and Kyle Pilkington is an ongoing experiment for me because I've seen in Blossom from an idiot into an imbacity. I want to see it through. Look at the way he's looking at us through the glass. Look at that. He's got a perfectly round head and that's why I'm doing this podcast or bod or bod cast as I'm going to call it in his his his his his his his the to call the to call to call to call it the to call it to call it the to call it to call it. the to call it. to call it. the the the to call it. to the the the to the to the to the the the to to to the the to the to to to to to me. I'm. I'm to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I. I'm the. I'm the. I'm the. I'm today. I'm today. I'm today. today. I'm today. I'm today. I'm toe. I'm to toe. I'm to going to call it in his honor little round-headed bod type

freak if you're not familiar with bode we can maybe put up a picture of bod the popular cartoon kids character go to rickage of a base dot com and you will see a picture of carl and a picture of bod an-you join their own conclusions as to the likeness Carl what do you think about all this that's all right you're excited by this new new the new new new th What? Podcasts. Yeah exactly. It's just I mean we are living in that sort of era now aren't we that you need to yeah listen to stuff on demand when you want it and stuff. I know you're not a fan of the iPod in general are you or any of the MP3 things you're concerned. I'm warming to it but this is what's

amazing little car even though he's talking about things like MP3 players, computers, iPods, he sounds like he was found in a glacier and thawed out. Do you know what I mean? We're sort of talked to speak. We're a couple of high school guys who found him and we're trying to ingratiate him in the gang, trying to pass him off of someone from the modern day. No, no, no, but my things, thing, thing, thing, think, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, he, he, he's, he, he, he's, he's, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thin, thin, thin, th. He's, th. He's, tho. He's, tho. He's, tho. He's, thoo. He's, tho. He's, thi. He know what I mean? We're living in that era now where we have invented most of the stuff that we need and now we're just messing about. They said that in 1900. Someone actually said everything that's to be invented has already been invented.

They said that in 1900 and how wrong were they? No, but what, what came out? What was invented in that year where they went right, that's it now? What did the inventem? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi? thi? th. th. th. th. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thi. thi. thi. the. the. ty. toda. toda? today, th. th. the. the. went, right, that's it now? What did the invent in 1900? That made them go, we've done it all now. Well, just think, think a little bit, right? The 20th century. Think what happened in the 20th century? Go on. Well, cars, planes. Yeah, but is that a good thing? Plains and that? Do you need to to to the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their. What th. What th. What th. What that, what that, what that, what that, what that, what that, what that, what that, what that, what that, what th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What their. What their. What their. What their. What their. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What, what th. What? What, what th. What? What, what th. th. their, what their, what their, their, th. their, what the. the. theat. the. the. the. the. What, what their. What, what that a good thing? Plains and that. Do you need to do you need a plane really? Wouldn't it have been better if we all stuck where we should be instead of traveling about? Why? War? Well look wars, wars, war's happening in it? Because everyone's saying well now we can fly we'll go over there so there were no wars prior to the image of the airplane? Not like there is today? Right? th. th. th. th. th. th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th that that that that that that that that thi thi that that that that that th th th th th th th th th that that that that that to to to to to to to to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi the the to to to the to to the to toe toe toe toe the toe the toea toe toe toea to to to the there is today. Right. But what I'm saying is, the more, the world's got smaller on it, everyone's saying that, right? You know, the

way I was saying to you the other day, you know, we now go to places where we shouldn't go. People go on holiday to places where you've got to have an injection before you go there. Yeah, forget it then. That's, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th. th. th. th. th. th. the the th. the the the the th. the the way, the way, their their. their. their. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the world. the world, the world. the world, the world, the world, the world, the world. the world, the world. the world. the world. the world, the world. the world, the world. the world. the world, the world, the world. the world, the world, the world, the world, the world. the the world. the the the the the the the world. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. the world, the world, the world, the world, the world's. the world. the world.'s a warning. Don't go there. I'm with you on that. I don't want to enter a country where I have to have an injection to stop me from dying while I'm in that country. I totally agree with you on that. So what happened is, so they invented the plane and it's like, oh let's go on holiday. And then they go, oh, well, you've the they've they've they. You've the they've the die. You've the die. You've the die. You've the the the they've they've the the they've the the the the th. Oh, I've to to to to to to to to to to to to to die. I to to to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to to to to to to to to to to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the th. I the. I the. I thr. I the. I the in in in in in in the the in in in the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th an injection and then it's like right well what else do we need to go to that place? There's a lot of faffing. So what I'm saying is I'm... Is that a place a lot of faffing? What I'm saying is you know Steve's traveled more than I have you been to like dangerous places? I've been to places where you need injections yeah but why? Because it's fascinating isn't throwning it? thrown. their. their. their. their is is is th th th th th th th th th th th thin. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's the that's the that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's a that's a that's a that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's thate. thatea thatea the thateateateateateateateat the the the the the the the the the the the th-a-a-a-a-a-a-natea'a'a' that's that's th- believe in that idea of travel broadens the mind? You know, it makes you experience other ways of life, other ways of thinking, it just enriches you as a human being. That's the whole reason people go traveling. Well, since the invention of the telly, you don't have to go that far to say it. You don't

have to go that far the. where would you stop then you'd stop making stuff now stop inventing stuff right now or do you think we could carry on for another five years see what comes up and then just draw line under all? Well again we're just messing about and there's still things to do isn't there I mean I know I could throw things up you can always got arts regret but you know a cure for cancer a cure for AIDS yeah yeah but should we should we mess with that the the th th the the the the the the the the the the their their their their we their we their we their we their we their we their we their we their we th we th we th we th we th we wee we wee we wee we th we we th we wee wee wee we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we th th th th th th th the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the too many people in the world as it is, isn't they? So that's a way of controlling it. So that, you know, like look at London, right? It's overpopulated, the rent keeps going up because there's more and more people surviving. Right? If you let them die, it's going to even itself out.

See I was saying to someone the other day about, maybe we should, forget like the traditional way of people having kids, right, the way they, you know, have it away and that. What do you mean? No, you know, like the way that, you know, we have kids and stuff, if it be good, if what happened was to control it is if man and woman, right, they sort of, they're born and that, they enjoy their life, they learn a a to their, to be to be to be to be to be, to be, their, to be, to be, their, their, to be, to be, their, their, to be, their, their, to be, their, to be, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, you, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the.e.e.e.e.e.e.ea.ea.ecklipha'eruu.e.e.ecklipha'eruiting.a'er.a'er. Wea'er. Wea. their, you, you're, sort of, they're born and that, they enjoy their life, they learn a lot, they live to be about 78, I think by that point. So specific. No, no, but by 78 I reckon you've sort of got to that point where you go, do you know

what, I've done everything I'm. And then you die, right? So say if everyone had that, they live to be 78, but then just as you die, they give you the bumps. You get, you have a little baby inside you, and as you die, your life carries on. Sorry, how is this happening? Sorry, are you mental? No, but don't you think... I mean, what, I've never heard such drivel.

You say, you're saying that, but if, if Newton said it, you'd go, hmm, interesting. That's what annoys me. I know it is, Carl, he never would. He never say it, that's the point. If you never say it, if you never say it, I don't understand understand understand understand understand, Is there a little baby in a 78 year old? What I'm saying is it's like an apple where the apple grows and it's got its little baby pips in it and the apple goes and the seeds are planted and a new one's born. But that's what happens? That is what reproduction is.

Yeah but I'm saying babies aren't being born left right and center. It's controlled so that as someone dies, someone's born. But Carl, stop, whose responsibility is this????? the their their their their their their their their their their? their? their? their? their? their, their, their, their, their, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, and it's thi, and it's th. th. th. th. their, and it's the apple, and it's the apple is the apple, and the apple, and the apple, and the apple, and their, and their, and th. And, and th. And, and th. And, and th. And, and th. And, and th. And, and th. And, and th. And, and th. And, and th. And, and th. And, th. It's is th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's the a the apple is, and the apple goes, and the apple is, and th. But Carl, stop, whose responsibility is this? If you don't want to do it, you won't do it, but I'm just... Is it supposed to be nature? Is nature got to develop humans so that we act that way? We live that way or is it a scientific experiment? I like, he said, he said to you that, if you don't want to do it, we don't need to do it, like if you th... If you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if you, if, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you don't, if you don't, if, if, if, if you don't, if you, if you don't, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, if, if, th, th, th, th, th. th, th. If, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that, that, that, that, that, that, that, to, to, to, to, to, to, if you, that, that,. We can do that. We'll have a whit round so we can do the research. I just think at the end of the day we've got to do something. And is anyone keeping an eye on this and looking at what we can do next to control the population thing? It does my head in that I've got to live in London for work and what have you?

And there's loads of people here and you know forget the their going going going going going going going going going is... So your solution is that 78 year old women have little babies inside them and as they slip away into death the little babies and how is that baby then raised? Who is after the baby? Because it's a pretty good system having to be a baby while you're young enough to look after that baby and make sure it lives to you know reproductive age itself. That system has that th. It's th. It's to to to to to to th. It's th. It's th. It's to th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's to th. It's to to to to to to to to that's that's to that's thi. that's that's to that's that's that's to thi. that's thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. And th. And th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi's thi's thee. Nature sort of sorted it out. Natural selection and evolution sort of makes that a good model. But wait a minute nature, pop that on hold because Carl Pilkington's got an idea. Yeah. It's just, it was just, it was just what it was, it was just an idea. Yeah, well it was, you know, it was nonsense. It was one of the wamblingss. I mean it was the ramblings of, it was the ramblings of someone you'd find by themselves in a hospital eating flies.

Yeah, this is the sort of thing you find when, if they find maybe a pamphlet or a booklet written by a psychopath. You know, someone, just before they went on a rampage and then turn the gun throwns, they go through their possessions possessions possessions possessions possessions possessions possessions possessions possessions possessions possessions possessions possessions possessions possessions possessions possessions possessions possessions possessions possessions possessions possessions, they find a plug and it's got weird drawings, women with knives in their face and this kind of got. In fact, I saw a similar sort of theory written out on a wall but it was written in shit. Exactly. Yeah. No, all I'm saying is I think, you know, when people die normally, everyone's fed up about it, aren't they, and a bit down? But if when you pass away, you go, we're going to miss Gladys or whatever, but then there's this new life brought in, it's almost like a bad news good news.

But you're talking about it like someone could pick this idea up and run with it. Like you've given them enough information to do it. How is this possible? Where does she get the baby from? Why grow it inys' belly? Why not have it in a drawer? How are they ready to go? Just add water? I mean, who looks after Son of Gladys? There is no the ramblings of a madman. What I'm saying is though, the body's always changing in it, from caveman to now or whatever. It's changing. And they're always finding out more and more. Like I'm saying, you know how they say, they're they're they're they're they're they're like they're like they're like they're like they're like they're like they're like they're like they're like they're like they're like they say, like they're like they say, like they say, like they say, like, like, like, they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're to say, just to to to to to go, just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're to say, like, like, like, like, like, they're their their their their their their, their, their, their, their, their their to their their their their the other day about how they're saying, do you know like they say people have six senses? There's loads more than that. Right?

And there's this one. I say show me that you've got one. No, right? And there's this one that's knocking about. What it is? Say if I, in a pub, right? And I'm, I'm just doing a crossword or whatever. Unlikely, but come. And there's some woman who's walked in, right?

And she's staring at me. I know she's looking at me and I look up and I look up and I look around, and they're saying that's a new sense that they found out that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th, that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th like you know doing tests and what have you? Yeah it's rubbish. And they say that's been around since since like man and dinosaur was knocking about. But it could be it could be you know peripheral vision it could be a footstep stopped and usually when someone's footstep stopped. No they've explained it. I think it's safe to assume that you know that with your perfectly round head people are always stopping and look. They just know that they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they say. they say. they say. they're they're say. they're say. They're say. they're say. They're say. They're say. they're say. they're say. they're say. they're say. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're s. they're s. they're s. they're s. they're s. they're say say say they're say say they're say they're say they're say they're say they're say they're say say they're say say they're say say they're say say say they're say say say say say they stopping and looking. But they explained it. You just know that they're

probably going to be someone there if you look right. They said it's from the time when like caveman was like wandering about and he'd go I'm gonna go I'm gonna minute and he'd look around there's a dinosaur there whatever and this is nonsense one I hate I hate remember when I hatethey used to live together, yeah. Oh, that's the same era. Yeah. What have you been watching? Raquel Welsh. What do you mean? Well, what do you mean caveman wandering knocking around with a dinosaur? You know the flintstones is only partly based on fact. Dinosaurs and man did not co-exist. Dinosaurs had long gone before man arrived. Hmm. What, you don't believe us? What do you don't believe because you've seen... Because you saw that film where they took pictures of lizards and magnified them and put the next

to men in films so they looked like they were fighting. Yeah. No, but... Why couldn't that have happened? What is the film with Rakhal Welsh? A million years BC? A million years BC? Yeah. No, no, but... Why wasn't the dinosaursioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioio? W. W. Wiiii? W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. thi? Why, they's they's they's they's they's they's they're they're thi? they're th, th, th, they's th, th, th, th, th, th, th, they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're thi, because took, took, took, took, took, took, took, t She had a sort of woolly mammoth bikini. Fact. But why, why wasn't the dinosaurs back then just like how we have dogs now, in a way? He's watching the Flintstones. He's thinking of the Flintstones. Yeah, that's what he's thinking. He puts out of the Sabretooth tiger and the dino on it. And hethey must have been a crossover point. Why, why did you say that? Why do you think there must have been a crossover? There must have been a crossover. Because if nothing was knocking about at any point, how did anything carry on?

I know. I know, exactly. Why didn't the Hitler meet Nero? It's weird, there must have been a crosser. They must have met at a party somewhere. We've mixed mixed mixed in mixed in mixed in mixed in mixed in mixed in mixed in mixed in similar similar similar similar similar similar similar similar similar similar similar similar similar similar similar similar similar similar mixed in mixed mixed in similar similar similar similar similar similar similar. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I. I's. th. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm. th. th. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. th. th. th. th. their. th. their. their. their. th. their. their. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. th. I'm. It. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's, th. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. th. th. th. the. somewhere. They mixed in similar circles. Yeah. Well, I mean, are you telling me that Ken Dodd has never met Gengis Khan? They must have bumped into... I can't believe it.

I forget it. Oh, you're listening to Ricky Joveys with Stephen Merchant and Carl Pilpokton. Coming up after the ads, monkey news. What ads? No, we're not, there's nothing here, there's no records. We just got to keep on talking. Okay. Which is not... We could do our own ads. Okay. Bring tea for the tiller man, steak for the sun. Out now to own on DVD, Ricky Javases and Steve merchants award-winning extras. With Ross Kemp. Oh zippy. With Les Dennis,

put your ass away, Les. I don't really know. And Kate Winslet, oh this nun outfit makes me top dirty. Out now on DVD, Extras. Did you like flannel walls? No, Ricky Jou-Mets book for kids with pictures of made up creatures and of different colors. Well, if you did, there's more of them now in the new book, more frowns, which is also by Ricky Javais, drawings by his mate, out now. The Ricky Javehs Show, on Guardian Unlimited. You're listening to Ricky Javais with Steve Merchant and Carl Pilkington. Well, uh, now time for one of our regular features. Monkey News. Do the jingle.. the the the the the the the the the the the the the there. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There's. There's. There's more. There's more. There's more. There's more. There's more. There's more. There's more. There's more. There's more. There's more. There's more. There's more. There's more. There's more. There's more. There's more. There's more. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. It there. It's. It's there. It's there. There. It's there. It's there. It's there. It's more. It's more. It's more. There's more. There's more. There's more. There's more. It's more. There's more. There's more. There's more. There's more. There's more. There's more. Merchant and Carl Pilkington. Well, uh, now time for one of our regular

features, monkey news. Do the jingle. Oh, chimpanzee, that monkey news. Right? What we're doing here is, right, is just giving you a bit of, a monkey news, that's gone on, right? Where a monkey's been involved in it. Good little story and that. Uh, are you familiar with the one that went into space? The first sort of thing they ever sent up there before man did it and all like, you see, this is what annoys me with it really? Armstrong gets all the glory, but do you know who went up there before him? A monkey? Yeah. Dog went up first. But what was the monkey called? I don't know? No sure, okay. So it's not the most informed news bulletin. The dog was called Lika. Was it? Yeah, they couldn't get it back there. They sent it out there, did a few tests and stuff and they

couldn't get it back. They weren't prepared to bring the capsule back yet. Brilliant. We could all do that. So is that a, is that a good, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, that, that, that, that, that, the, th, th, th, th, th, the, th, th, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, that, that, the, th. that, that, they, that, that, the, that, the, the, the, the, just think it was seeing what, if the mission itself killed it, but they didn't have the technology, because of course it couldn't fly the capsule back, which it has to be manned to bring it. Well, this was the next one up then, right? So the dog must have gone first and then they went, right, weto hit at the time that it needed to hit them and the way they did this was like give it bananas, it was like hit the red button and it hit the red button they'd give it a banana. Right, and they go right, reverse is the green one, hit the green one, and then they do that

and go there's a banana. And then they go right, right, hit it reverse, and the reverse, and the reverse, and the reverse, and the reverse, and th. th, and the reverse, and th, and th, and the th, and th, and th, and the th, and th, and the the th, and the the the the the the the, th, th, thi, and it, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, th, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, and, that, their, their, that, their, that, their, their, that, on like headphones. Right but how are they giving it the banana? How are they giving it the banana? What do you mean? No this is before it went, you don't just go and put a monkey in it and go there you go, get on with it, they sort of put him in one of them capsules that you get. Yeah. And they were on headphones. I don't believe this. I I think they sent out there and he put electrodes coming out of it to see what what it wasn't any of that they did a thing like they do like they can with animals if you give something you know like a treat you can teach it how to do it's just like a dog in it it's called Pavlovian conditioning however that was to see if it would salivate or go over to a particular corner not if it could control a space. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. It's their. It's their. It's their they they they they they they they they they th. It's they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're to they're to try. t it could control a spacecraft. Next one up. The next one up. As far as the monkey's not sat there going, oh, I'm a bit under pressure, it's a rocket. All that's knowing is, I'm getting a banana if he hit that button.

That's all the monkey's thinking about. They wouldn't put billions of space dollars. But how can they be sure that it's going to press They're telling it it's not like you have now. It's not like willy-nilly it's not just like pop it in there. What's to stop it from just hitting it any old time? Because it's a monkey and it's not a human? Because it's trained because it's the green one and I think there's something there that a little banana comes out to keep the same. No, you're making this up? I'm not. It's the same. There's no way that they made a spacecraft,

that they made a spa craft that had a banana dispenser. There's no way in this world that they made a spacecraft that could go into outer space, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, thi, thi, thi, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same, their, their, their, thi, thi, thi. thi's thi's th it's easy to send something up to space but you don't believe there's a little banana machine? Right, okay, so in your world, in your world, there's a monkey and it's been conditioned and there's a little monkey dispenser, a banana dispenser, right? So it comes to the launch day, monkeys, monkeys sat in there, everyone's ready, bananas are stocked up and all the rest of it. They go, right, hit the green button, right, and the rocket goes off and what have you? No, they would not make the monkey launch the rocket. Carl, you are living in a cartoon world. So the rocket

go off, right? This is an absolute ballot! It's all going well. I mean I don't know what you're going. It's not going well. There's no way a monkey launched a rocket. There is no way a monkey launched a rocket, you idiot. It's all going on. So they're going, hit the left button and it goes later. The left button. Oh, well well known spacecraft. Hit the left button! Oh, brilliant! This is what happened in 5-13. Hit the left! So it goes left. Yeah, it goes left. Yeah, it goes left. It goes for the moon, everything's going well. They go up there, but it does whatever it does. It reverse, it comes back. It goes right. It goes, it goes for the moon, everything's going well. They get up there, but it does whatever it does, it reverse, it

comes back. So then, you are, honestly, you are brain dead. You are one of the most stupid people that I would rather have the monkey drive me home than you. So the thing is, so it lands back, it does a good job and everything, it gets out. And this is, this is where, this is where it turns a bit sad because after it done that mission right because it happened and it was all safe and everything the next one would have been to send man right so the monkey enjoyed and it was like well I want to do it again right but they were like how did they know just the way it looked just just the way it looked what you were like... So how did they know that? How did they know what it was like... Just the way it looked?

Just the way it looked! You are a maniac. So the thing is though, right? So after it had done that, it was on such a high, right? It could never get that high again. It was nothing that it could do. Went on tour, isn't it? It sort of ended thup thup thup thup, thup, tha, tha on tour, isn't it? It sort of ended up killing itself. Because

it could never get that buzz that he got. That was absolute bollocks. None of that is true except they sent a monkey into space. And I'll, I'll check that. Absolute drivel. So in your mind it committed suicide. It went on a crazy bender drinking drugs and women. in and then it does happen you hear about it. Right, do you know like you don't believe in like scary stuff just like you know ghosts. I believe in scary stuff I don't believe it's totally illogical, yeah ghosts. Vampires? No, anything made up by a man. Well there was something in the paper the other day about a vampire. They found one, they dug something up. It was in the paper? Oh it's true then. It's definitely true. But we'll leave that because you're just

going to do that so it doesn't matter. No come't believe it then that was a vampire pirate but that's definitely proof on a vampire then of course and not some grotesque murder yeah that's definitely proof of the vampire if it was found if it was if it wasn't one if it wasn't made a minute I know as far as I'm aware that when you put the things with the heart they just turn into dust as and all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their they they they they they they they their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their victims get their own life back. Yeah, exactly. And here was the second bit. Somebody dug it up, got the heart, blended it, burnt it, popped it in some water, drank it, and they're in prison now. Now if it wasn't dodgy stuff, why are they in prison? Because they're mental because they dug up a body, liquidize its heart, burnt it and drank it.

That's why there is there's there is there is there is there is the reason there is a reason. There's your answer. But anyway, that is what I'm talking about, right? But I met Derek Akara the other week. Oh yeah. Right. And who's he? And who's he? Is he a medium? He can contact the dead, is that right?

He just chats to him and that. Pass his messages on. So I said, oh, tell us, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I, I'm, I, I'm. I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. I, I'm. I, I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I met, I'm. I'm goes all right then he said here's one for you right and he said there's this pub out in the country and he said there's this mug do you know those old mugs that they have where they used to they used to like leave their own cup knocking on the tanked oh yeah yeah yeah tanker so there was one of them mugs in there there right and everybody so they let let let let let let let let let let let let let there was so there was so there was so there was so there was so there was so there was so there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was the the there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was th was th was th was th was the the the the the the the the the the the the there was the there was there was there was there was there was there was there was one of them mugs in there, right? And everybody... Tankard, let's use a tankard if we've disabbed after the wood. Because you're the only mug in this story. He's leaving it all.

High five. Great. So this tankard's knocking about, right? And everyone who's running the pub keeps we'll have to wash that and they popped it on a different sideboard. Next thing you know, that person who's touched it died, right? Sure. So they must have been getting through bar staff. So they got, so they kept getting a new staff and they were like, what's the connection here? What's the connection? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What, the. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the connection here? Oh God. So anyway, so they, so they, so they, sort of, someone notices and they go, you know, it's a bit weird, it's that cup, right? So they get, they get, it's not tanker than that.

So, um, they get a vicar in. Of course they do. And they go, look, um, there'ses it they die so he said leave it with me he gets his um special water out and what have you he comes around does a little prayer sprinkles it he goes right not a problem don't worry about it he picks it in the bin guess what what dies on the crash on the way on because he picked it up but but but but you're telling me this like it's fact and I meant to go that's amazing. Don't eat a caller he told me.

Carl I have I have I have no opinion of that story other than I'm pretty sure there was absolutely no connection between touching the tanker and him dying that's all I'm sure of. It's not just them though, is it? I'm not going to even contest the chain of events. All I'm saying is there is no connection. There is no connection possible because I believe in logic and the laws of the universe. So when you're telling me miracles and strange things, outside coincidence, you may as well be telling me about the tooth fairy in the Easter Bunny because they're equal to me that it it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, the, the, the, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thi, thi, thi, thi, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is th. is th. is th. is th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their, their their, their, their, their, their, is their, is telling me about the tooth fairy in the Easter Bunny because they're equal to me that it's ludicrous. It's absolutely ludicrous. So what would it take though for you to go, oh I'm actually a believer now?

But what you're saying is you're, I can't answer that question because I'd have to base my beliefs on some of your premises which I can't do. It's like you're saying, but what if you found out that 2 and 2 equaled 5? I can't. It's a necessary truth that it doesn't. I'd have to go back and fundamentally disagree with what I think 2-ism is, 2-ness and 5-ness? And you've never been in a situation though where you've gone, this room feels a bit weird. Do you know what I mean? It could be something knocking about? Or... But that's a different question. I could go into a really rough-looking pub and think, this isn't good because it's based on induction then. I mean like, you know, if you've been to Cornwall on holiday and stayed somewhere and you've gone, you know what? Sure something's died in here.

I'm sure so much died everywhere. Yeah, but what I mean, you never pick up a vibe of, like, I've got a mate, right, who is living in this big stately home, right? And what it is, why is he's, he's paying 100 pounds a month, right? And it's almost like he's been, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's, he's, he's not, he's not, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he.. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not,, right? And it's almost like he's being a security man. But he's not, he's not, he doesn't sit out the door with that on and everything. He just goes about his life, but he bases most of his work in this stately home. So what is it like a housekeeper? Like a house sitting? A little bit, yeah, I mean it's massive, it's bigger than Buckingham Palace this place, right? So what is it? Is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's a billionaire? A billion is a billionaire? A billionaire? A billionaire? A billionaire? A billionaire? A billionaire? A billionaire, a billionaire, a billionaire, a billionaire, thinainai-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a? thiiiiiiiiii. A thi. A, thi. A, th. A, th. A, th. A, th. A, th. A, th. A, th. A, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi-a. thi-a. thi-a. thi-a. thi-a. thi-a. thi-s. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thiingham Palace this place right so what is it a billionaire that's gone away or something I think it's some sort of I think he said something about a discount or something right he said it's he owns this place he is living in America this place he owns

but it's falling to bits wow and he's worried that people are gonna go in there and squat and what have you so he said to me mate you you you you you you you he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he was was was he he he he he he was the the the he was the the the the the the the the he was the th is th is th is th is th is the th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th people are going to go in there and squat and what have you. So he said to me, you know, he was an advert in the paper, he doesn't know him, advert in the paper saying, do you want to live in a big house, 100 quid or whatever, and he went, he went and had a look, right? And from outside, you go, this is brilliant. It's like something out of, you know, like the man of born or something. You go, this is impressive. But then when you get in, it's like, it's a wreck. It's a wreck.

All right. It's like rat poison everywhere, like windows are smashed, doors kicked in. That's a real shame. Why is it? Is it? I don't think he's doing his job, is he? Is it? Because it would cost like millions to do up? Well apparently it'd be like, I think they're gonna have it done up, but it's gonna cost like 80 million, right? So anyway, so anyway, so I'm a big house. So we go big house. So we get, we go to the pub and what have you? I've got like a little torch and we're wandering around looking in all these different rooms, right? And I'm asking him, what's, why, how's it got in this state? Do you know what I mean? If someone's had it, why, why'd they let it get to this state? And he, and they. And, and they. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, they, they, their, their, their, their, and, their, their, their, their, their, to, to, to, to, to, their, and, to, to, to, their, their, their, their, their, and, their, and their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, to... And, to. And, to. And, to. And, to. to.. We. We're, to. We're, to. We're, to. We're, to. We're, to. We're, to. And it was like a drug thing as well. People who had problems with drugs, they popped them out there because it's in the middle of nowhere.

Do you know what I mean? If you needed drugs or anything, forget it, it's not going to happen. So that's straight away. Do you know like, have you ever been in a hospital when it's been shut down or a school when there's no kids in it, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, the there, there, there, there, there, there, there, their, their, there, their, there, there, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the middle, the middle, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th is th is th th thi is thi is thi's thi's to to to to to to to to to to to to to thi's to to to to to their their to their, their, their, their, their, thi no kids in it and there's that sort of bad atmosphere of like weirdness. Yeah, right? For the sake of argument you go. So we're wandering about and I say, oh yeah, what's in this room right? And we go in and all the floors are like a wreck and rotten and stuff. And I looked at the wall and he was like a little piece of paper stuck on the wall right and I said what's this here? So I wandered over, right there there there there there there there. there. there. th. there. th. And I was th. And I was thededededededed. And I was there. And I was there. And I was there. And I was there. And I was there. And I was there. And I was there. And I was there. And I was liked, there. And I was, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there. And I was there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there there there th. And I was a there theree. So, and I was theree. So, and I was theree. So, and I was like, and I was like, and I was like, and I was like, there's there's, what's this here? So I wandered over, right? Got right up close to it, and somebody had roated... Oh, somebody had roated? Oh, somebody had roated. Someone. I think it was, I imagine Jack

and Horry. Am I okay? Right, yeah, go on, sorry. So there's a little sign there, right? And I go up to it, and it says, flies, right? thrown. thri. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. the th. they. th. th. Somebody. Somebody. they. they. they. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th flies this way right I think that's a bit weird so I follow the arrow right which goes to this corner where there's a shelf about 3,000 dead flies on it oh my god condom stuck on the top That's weird, isn't it? That is weird. That is weird, right? So I'm looking at that, and there's loads of stuff on the floor and that bits of paper, picked up this bit of paper, right? And it had, like, in Biro and that, it looked really old, like, it'd been there years, and it had something like, need nappies, dummy, right? Blankets, all this, like, all this, like, all stuff, like, like, like, like, th... And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there. There, there. There, there. There, there. There, there, there. There, there, there, there's, there's, there's, there's lo. there's lo'. there's lo'. there's lo'. there's lo'. there's lo'. there's, there, there. there, there, there, blankets, all this like all stuff for night and I turned it over right and it said none of this now needed baby dead. Right now that's weird in it now that's what I'm talking about when you get a bad vibe you go

that's that's who's been in a so I don't actually understand what point you're trying to make, Carl? Just because it's, who's written that, who's been in that room, who's been in that state? And then straight away your mind starts going, oh, I'm getting bad vibes in here. But Carl, didn't you just tell us that it was once occupied by drug addicts and mentals? Yeah. So don't, Davin, you put two two two two two two two two two two th. th. th. th. th. th. th. That's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to to to to to be to be to be th. th. Who. to to to th. Who's to that's that, who's that, who's that, who's that. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th two and two together and thought that was probably you wrote it. That doesn't mean his paranormal or ghostly. You walk into a building, it's a big, terrifying, empty house. It's terrifying in as much as it's cold and dark and drafty and a little bit spooky in this

sort of illustrative sense. And insecure. Yeah, you're a bit nervous because, and you're, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, because, and, and, because, thi. sort of it's got it's bad vibe it's just based on the fact that your mate's in charge yeah that's terrifying I mean yes so it's like saying are we scared of the dark yes I understand why people are scared of the dark I'm a little bit scared of the dark you're walking along because you don't know what's in the darkness that's why we'll get nervous it doesn't mean you have to make the leap the leap the the leap that you that you that you that you that that that that that that that that the the the the that that the the that the the that the the that the the that the that that the the the that you that that that you the the that you the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they. they. the the they. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the something strange and evil in this room. Wait a minute, there's some flies in a condom. I was right all along. That is weird.

Flies and a Johnny? Badness. The flies in a condom was weird now. It's weird. But the note, the note. The note. I just think of his face when he saw that. I mean my torchlight. You must have been terrified. It's a bit, it's a bit odd, isn't it? Thank you very much indeed for listening.

If you'd like to get in touch with us, either myself or Ricky, or you've got something to send to Carl, then you can email us at podcast at Ricky Javais. I'd just like to say thank you to both The Guardian for sponsoring this and positive internet for hosting this podcast. Both great, the guys at Positive Internet know exactly what they're doing, they're my kind of people as is the Guardian. Because, sorry, I just, you weren't contractually obliged to say that. Were you just saying it?

No, it's what I think, just what I think. Right. It's just I've not heard you mention either then before in that way, just saying it in the... Oh, you're joking. I both love The Guardian and Positive Internet. Great guys. Okay, that's just the way you feel it's not. Yeah. The Ricky DeVay Show on Guardian Unlimited.