The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Guardian S3E3 (September 5, 2006)

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

Series three of the podcasts was released on 22 August 2006. This season saw the return of Karl's Diary as well as a new feature based on Karl's attempts at Poetry. Pilkington was noticeably lethargic during this 6-episode series, having been in and out of the hospital with kidney stones and subsequent complications. This was a major focus of his diary entries during this period with Gervais and Merchant ridiculing him for his histrionics over what they noted was a minor, routine operation.All other known features were abandoned, with the rest of each episode focusing instead on conversation. The season had the same pricing implementation as season two, although the file quality was increased from 32 kbit/s to 56 kbit/s.At the end of the sixth episode, Gervais and Merchant agreed to put the show on an indefinite hiatus.

Hello, welcome to number three in the third series of the Ricky Jovey show. With me Ricky Javais, Stephen Merchant, hello there. And of course Carl Pilkington. All right. Had a good week, Carl? Uh, all right, just boring. It's a boring week. It's a good week Carl? Uh, all right, just boring. It's a boring week. Because that sort of kidney operation of that. It's just affecting my life in a big way. How are you now, Carl? Are you feeling better? Better, better than what was last week?

Because last week you really were not putting the effort in, were you? And it's your own fault, you know, you got kidney scoing so you don't drink enough water. Yeah, no, that's what I've been doing this week. Just drinking. I mean, you said what what sort of week of you, what have you been up to? That's what I've done, I've drank water. That's all I'veking shark. It's sort of... Well, it's mouth open just going through the water. Oh, he's led the life of plankton for one week. Have you been able to do anything or have you just been resting? It's best to rest.

Just because, you know, your body's still in shock, even though in the head physically I thought was all right. The body sort of just acts in weird ways. Brilliant. You know it's a weird thing in it like I said last week you don't think about your body until they sum up with it and then you panic a bit and you go right and look after it from now on I've been given a second chance here. As I said before this was not a life threatening illness or operation. No, but it's that same thing. The last time I had it was when I nearly choked to death on the Mr. Friespop. Right.

Where I had that sort of, what did he call it when you have like a second coming? Do you know what I mean? It's that sort of thing where you go. I don't think you're the second chance? Yeah it's a second chance. Neither your life flashes before you, yeah, but you get a, you suddenly feel kinder. Do you know what I mean? Really? Yeah, you sort of go right, you know, that was a bit of a warning. Like screw? Good for people and stuff. Yeah, a little bit. I think it's normal. So are you now a nicer person? You're given more generously to charity and the like? Well they haven't been out of us so I can't do anything I can't help anyone yeah but maybe you know one makes some money all this cash you're in now I've given

enough money away sick of it but um changed so he hasn't changed at all then no but you've also got to be careful as well because it's that thing of you can drown yourself by having too much water yeah so it's the same to you you you you to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the their to their to their their their to to their their to to to to to to to to to to to their their their so to to to to to to their so their their so their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi to thi to to to to to to th to to tho's just getting that balance right of not having too much and filling yourself up. Well yeah it's that balance right of not dehydrating and you know becoming like a desert jellyfish, like a little crisp and drowning yourself. You're right, it is a balance. That's exactly what you've got to do. I don't know how you managed it Carl. It's very complicated. Yeah. No, but I... What I do is I, um, when I'm too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too much to too too much too much too much too much too much to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their their their their their their their their to to to to thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. their thi. their their to to thi. to to to to to to to to to to to to you've got to do. I don't know how you've managed it, Carl. It's very complicated. Yeah. No, but I... What I do is I, when I'm thirsty, I drink and when I'm not thirsty, I don't. Yeah, but that's the problem with me. Whatever it is that's in your head that says you should have a drink, I don't really have one. It's called a brain. It's the rain that's how you eat. But the grain's never thirsty. I only think of drinking when I'm eating.

And I'm not eating as much because my kidney is weird. I don't want to put any pressure on it so I don't drink. So now if they have it in front of me all the time I go, right, I've got to have that. So yeah, so I's just you know time doesn't whizz back normally your weeks are packed as we know with visits to the cobbler yeah well it's just like they say in it they say uh... following the ant exactly yeah you're only got a hectic schedule

I know I don't know you fit it all in but you know because it was close to death I've been thin i i've the the they they they they they they they they they they they they th you th you th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi thi thi th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to theee thi thi other people have been in that situation where they're dying and what have you. And it's weird how like, in a way, do you know like you say before you die things to do? Yeah. I've never heard that sentence before. I don't know if they say. Well, I've extrapolated from that, what you mean is there are certain things you should do before you die, swim with, swim, swim, swim, swim, swim, swim, swim, swim, swim, swim, swim, swim, swim, swim, swim, swim, swim, swim, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, in thi, in thi, in thi, in thi, in thi, in thi, in thi, in th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, in, in, in, in, in th. th. th, thi, th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thr-a, thrown, thrown, to to to to to to to to to to to to thrown, thrown, th had such a boring week, it's been a long week, so if I was dying, don't go swim with dolphins because you'll love it and a time will whiz by and you go, oh there's another day gone. Whereas I've been sat home watching, you know, the price is right and stuff and it's like, oh it's just like, oh it's only four o'clock. Oh, this is dragging. the the the go, yeah it's dragging but I've got ages more left to live. What's the point? But it's really about quality of existence, isn't it, when you're dying? No, but anyway, I'm just saying, oh okay.

But what I've been doing is going on the internet, sort of learning stuff, and watching more documentaries about stuff. Okay, tell me something you watched on the internet then? The thing that stands out the most, there's this spider, right, that a fella got, popped it in like a little sort of bottle, and chucked in 80 ants, and the spider, right, just went mental. And, uh, I don't know, if the spider just went mental and I don't know if the spider's eat ants I don't know I don't have to do but he wasn't happy with them that they were there and he was just whizzing around sort of biting them not eating them just

giving him a bite and the ants would sort of just lie there dead and the spider had this system of sort of going right, I'm going to put the dead ones over there and it was biting them, dragging them across, putting them in a pile, killing another one, popping it in the pile, and by the end of it it made like a little pile of dead ants and he was just there sort of breathing everly. And that was amazing because I've never witnessed that before. But you don't see that happening do you know me? So you think that if people are unfortunately passing away, sort of visiting Disneyland or whatever, they should...

Just learn stuff, just make it, this world is amazing. Ackoning hints. And just that thing of, you know, last week you were saying how good ants were and how they brainy and they work hard and everything, yet none of them sort of, they didn't know what they were doing, there's panic going on. You watched them again and they were running backwards and forwards and I remember like seeing a program about ants where they meant to sort of work together as a team.

And if they climb up a person's leg, that person stood on their house, say, and they're all like, oh, there's a signal and they all bite at the same time. Now, if that had done that on that spider, they sort of all go on it and when they're all in position, one of them sort of goes, no, and it bites and then it would, it would, it would, it would, it would, it would, it would, it would, it would, it would, it would, it would, it would, it would, it would, it would, it would, it would, it would, it would, it would, it would, it would, it would, it would, it would, it, it would, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, the they., the, the, it, it, it, it, do some damage but there was none of that. But you've seen things like the towering inferno where even humans panic crazily and jump out of windows and things until Steve McQueen comes along and save the day. So yeah, but at the end of the day when you're in a towering inferno, you were there relaxing or holiday. Of course you're going to be relaxed and the shock of it's going to make you go, I wasn't ready for that, I was sitting in my trunks. Where's that ant? Ants should always be alert. Well yeah.

Any insect's life should always be... What's so for a human scooping up, uh, 80 of them, put him in a bottle with a giant spider? Yeah, but I'm just saying, that's what insects do. Their life, they never relax. That's what's weird with an insect. There's no downtime, is it? It's you wake up, you go and get the food, you build your house. That's what you do, so you're always alert. They shouldn't be sort of running around going, oh, what do we do now? That should be, that should be in them. You know that. I know But also they say they're clever. I was looking at it. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, their, their, so their, so their, so, so, so their, so, so, you're their, you're their, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you. their, you. their, you. their, you, you. their, you. their, you, you, you, you. their, you, you. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their their th. th. thoooooooo. their their their their their their, their, their, their, their, th death. But also they say they clever, I was looking at it. If I was an ant, I would have just crawled under the pile of dead ones. Just sit under there, wait for the spider to go. None of them were doing that. They were all staying on one side and the dead ones

on the other. So I'm just saying that, I'm just saying that, you know, Y'all their tie and they're always saying. they're saying, you're saying, you're saying, saying, saying, saying, saying, saying, saying, saying, saying, that, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. their, their, their, I, I, I'm just just, just, just, I's, I, I, I, I, I, just, just, just, just, just, just their, just just their, just their, just their, just their, just, just. Just. Just. Just, just, just, just, just, just. their. Just. their. their. their. Just. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. to. their. to. their, their, I'm, I'm just, I'm, I'm just, their, their, the's follow them saying they're brilliant and that and ladybirds are right-hand in Christ knows what. No, but you know, so I'd learned that. Brilliant. You haven't learned. There's nothing to learn from that. There's something about jellyfish. And what else was they? There was this fellow, there was a program on the tele, about survival.

And a fella who, he looks after elephants and he's in this little hand glider, looking for an elephant that he's looking after, he has to keep a track on where it's going and all that. And one day he's saying, oh I haven't seen the elephant today and the fella's like look for it tomorrow it's like now it's best if I go and look for it now because it might go further away or something he said oh I should leave it you know till tomorrow so straight away you're going oh this is troubled so he's going out in his glider sort of that night he's looking for it the air to the the the the the the the the the the the the the to the the the to to to to to to the to the to to to the the to to the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to go to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to an engine. It's one of the aircraft then. Yeah. So he gets in that on his own. He's wondering about in the air, looking down. Like I say, it's loads of land. He's looking for one elephant. It's not having much luck. Anyway, I think he gets

to a point when he goes, oh, I'm having no look, I might as well. It goes to turn around. Something happens. Thethe glider falls to the floor, crashes. That crashes, he gets out, he's broke his legs, done his backing, his hands, I mean he's in a bad way and he looks at the plane and that's a wreck, petrel's coming out of it, just thinking that's a wreck, petrol's coming out of it, just thinking that's not going to fly again. And he has to lie there, don't he, for like 48 hours or something. And in that time, everything's being chucked at him. He has a lion wandering around him.

Scorpion walked over his leg. Some sort of dangerous snake went in his shoe. What else is there out there? Some sort of bad ants. Just everything that's there that could cause a problem. He had it all in his life. I haven't seen this but I suspect there's a lot of conjecture. Yeah, and it's telling a bit of bad ants. No, just anything that you could think of, that's out there to cause you a bit a bit a their a their a their their their their their their their their their their tha their their tho, tho, tho, thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. theat, thoomomat, that, bad, that, bad, bad, bad thoomat, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad their, bad, bad, bad their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad thin. Bad that, bad ant. Bad ants. Bad ants. tha' a bad ant. Bad ants. Bad ants. tha' a bad ant. Bad ants. Bad ants. Bad ants. Bad ants. Bad ants. Bad ants. Bad ants. Bad ants. Bad ants. Bad ants, bad ants,that you could think of that's out there to cause you a bit of a problem. Camels. He got off, he got so what, his lips fell off. No, because you have to have a lot of juice to keep your lips sort of how they are.

So that's the sort of state he was in. Yeah. 48 hours. And yet he survived in the end, someone came and found him. And you thought you you you you you you you thought thought thought thought thought thought thought, thu thu, thu, thu, thu, thu, thu, thu, thu, that, that, that, that, that, tho, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that,'t even have the internet. Yeah but he had a lot of insects. What would you do then if you land if you landed right? Supposed we all land right we're shipwrecked okay there's no food around but there's a chance we might be saved like in a few days we just got to stay alive just for a few days okay. Um Steve offers up his penis for what

purpose well it's it's already torn in the car in the plane crash anyways it's hanging off you go okay listen look lads let's eat this go this to go three ways I should be so lucky I should be so lucky. Okay, fine, yeah. I'll look for something else. Because we're surrounded by water. Why are we eating knob? There's loads of fish and everything. There's more fish in the sea than there is stuff on land. That was something else that I've read about about how there's more sea life happening.

There's loads more. What do you mean? Then stuff happening on land. Well yeah, it's a bigger place, isn't it? Yeah. And there's more, they're all coming further in because it's getting so crowded, everything's being pushed outwards. So we're going to get to a point where people won't go walking in the sea. Because there'll be something deadly, just floating about on the near the shore. Again, that's no information at all. There's no information in that statement at all. Yeah, I said, I said how the sea is so overcrowded that everything's been pushed to the edge. It's not overcrowded. It is. What's been, you mean things that are in the sea are being pushed to the edge of

the sea? Yeah, because there's jellyfish didn't even have a sting. That's rubbish. Try 50 million and you'll get closer to the truth. But what I mean is, in terms of, like, land, we all look the same, don't we? We've had two legs and two arms for ages. Whereas in the sea, things are changing at a really fast rate. So, like, jellyfish were a much more stable environment than the the thia... thia. thia. thia. thia. thi. thi. thi. thi, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, thi. If a thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty a much more stable environment than the land anyway What you want about? Well, I'd have thought

I wouldn't thought evolution is any any faster in the sea than that. Yeah, it is. Well, no, what was the evidence for this? I'm telling you now telling you how jellyfish have changed and look at them. They're not how have they changed then? So they didn't 50 years they they their their they they they they they they were were. they were. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. What. What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? th. th. What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? they? they? their? their? their? their? their? th. Was? th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. their? their? their? they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they.e. they. they. What is? What is? What is? What is? What is? What? What? What? What they changed then? So they didn't, 50 years ago they didn't have a sting. Now they have. Trilbiz. They wore trilbus 50 years ago as well. And they just spoke with a much more, you know, refined accent. Just that, that is quite a lot though, isn't it? Because jellyfish, though, that's not a fact. There's no facts come out of this. That's not, not, not, that's interesting. That's interesting. That's interesting. That's interesting. That's interesting. That's interesting. That's interesting. That's interesting. That's interesting. That's interesting. That's interesting. That's interesting. That's interesting. That's interesting. You. That's interesting. You. You. You. that. that's, you. that's, you. that's not, you. that's not. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It's more. It. It's more. It's a. It's a much. It's more. They. They's their. They just. They just. It's just. They just. They just. It's just. They just. They just. They just. They just. They just. They just. They just just. They just. They just they just they just they just they just they just. No, they have, they've changed a lot in terms of... Well, they haven't changed in hundreds of millions of years, so I don't know what the 60s had to do with anything. I don't, I just don't know what, what influenced the Beatles and Mary Quant suddenly had on jellyfish, where they hadn't changed the hundreds of millions of millions of years. With all this sort of loose free sex, you know, free love, they were just come berserk. I don't know yet. There are no divisions amongst the jellyfish anymore. Things are changing a lot. To think that jellyfish, when they first came out, they

were nothing. They were just a blob. So when they first came out, when they were first released. And I'm, but what I'm saying is, even though they nothing they've grown to have a bit of something just to get by in a busy place. Which is the same... I don't know what you're talking about. It's all guesswork and it's not guesswork. I've been reading all this and watching stuff. Carl you haven't learned anything. Well that's not entirely true, because he's obviously learned enough to have written a poem, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, their to to th, their th, to th, their, th, th, th, th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, their, their, that's not entirely true because he's obviously learnt enough to have written a poem about some of these subjects. Oh, I love his poems. Are you getting into poetry now properly? I really like it, yeah. Um, is Carl going to read this for me, Steve?

If you want him to? I think so. I did one about my kidneys. What was it called? Didn't have a name, it doesn't need it. Oh, to a nephron. Right, I did two about jellyfish. Excer. I don't like jellyfish.

They're not a fish, they're just a blob. They don't have eyes, fins or scales like a cod. They float about blind, stinging people in the seas. And no one eats jellyfish with chips and mushy peas. Get rid of them. And then there's just a shorter one about a jellyfish. It would be spiteful to put jellyfish in a trifle. Yeah, it certainly would. That's great! That's really good!

Because it's jelly! He's done us there, Steve! Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a really good problem. It would be spiteful to put jellyfish in a trifle. A little half-rin. Yeah. Um, do you want the one about my kidneys? Yeah.

Uh... For God's sake, my belly ache. The doctor said it's my kidney. He said he's got a sticker tube up my knob. I said you've got to be kidding me. For God's sake, knob ache. Oh God, I'm so mildly disappointed that they're quite good. No poet's ever written about jellyfish and kidneys. It's great! Oh God, I think you might have the market sewn up there. It would be spiteful to put a jellyfish in a trifle. I mean I'm both impressed and fascinated and worried by Carl's new literary outlook. Yeah, we've said to him, we've tried to make him appreciate the arts and poetry and

and, you know, explaining like what metaphor does and symbolism and all that but I'm worried it a backfire because what if he becomes clever and Errol Dye and then we lose our little endless well of stupidity, what if we lose our little shaved monkey? I mean these podcasts without, you know, it's almost like he were evolving into a human. I mean, you've actually, you've authored a book. Well, I have to say, I mean, without, at the risk of sounding like we're shamelessly promoting it, I've only just looked at the book today, because that's the first one I've seen it, the world of Carpilkington, and I was very impressed by how legitimate it feels, I mean, it does feel like so much so much the book the book the book the the the the their their thiiiii.. thi. It's, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm thi, I's tho, I's th. th. th. th. the th. is is is, I's is, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I'm, the the the the the the throwne. It's, thrownean, t togea, toge.a, toge, he's done extra thoughts and ideas and it's

very odd to think that that has probably gone now into the British Library which I think is obligated to take a copy of every book published. Incredible. I mean let's be honest it's not going to really, it's not going to be on anyone's got pages, it's a real book. Yeah. Will you now read some great works? Were you read poetry at all? Probably not. I don't like reading made-up stories because life's interesting enough in it. Right.

If I'm going to read someone else's lies, I might as well make someone the own up and save me money. Right, but you do read lies and made of things, you just take them as the truth. Most of the spurious facts and apocryphal tales and ridiculous stories that you read on the internet are, I mean, fiction. Yeah, but as long as it gets you thinking then it really doesn't matter. Say like you know I was telling you about the sea being full up. Yeah. Right. How there's too many fish in it and they're all being pushed out. Then you know it was saying about how the jellyfish is changing from a bit back just being a blob to now being a blob with stingy bits you go and then... No I don't I think I wonder what he read and then

then I'll think of what other things are in the sea how are they changing and then that's when I might do a poem about an octopus with two heads because it's got me thinking so no longer am I just reading someone else's story spending a full week reading some other story I've read a little paragraph and that's got me thinking about it. It's inspired you to make great art with an octopus with two heads and you just think yeah that would work you know that's a good way for them to evolve they've got all the arms give them two heads. They've got all the arms! And you that that that that that that that that you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you th th. th. And you know you know you th. And you know th. And you th. And you th. And you thi thi thi thi thi thi thi th. And you th. And you th th th. And you th th. And you th th th th th th th th. And you th th th. And you th th th th th th th th. And you th. And you thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi to thi to thi to to thi thi the thi thooooooooooooooooooooo the the tho the way for them to evolve. They've got all the arms, give them two heads.

They've got all the arms. And you know, it would work because like I've said to you before, it is one big head to make it two smaller heads. So it's just looking at science, looking at how things can move. It's not looking at science. You then speculating on an octopus having two heads of no value is it to anyone or anything? But. But. But thiiiiiiii thi thi. But their thi thi. But thi. But thi. But thi. But thi. But thi. But thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi's thi's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's. And that's. And that's. And that's. And that's. And that's. And that's. And that's. And that's. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's the. the. the. that's that's that's not the. that's not the. that's not the. that's not that's not theate. that's notto anyone or anything? But there's people out there bringing out books who are writing stuff like that for sci-fi stuff and I think why I'm a reader... That's entertainment. Everyone knows it's not true they're doing it to... But they do more than just say what would it, wouldn't it be great if there was an octopus with two heads? They then paint a world in which their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. their their their their their their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their their, their their, their, their, their, their, their, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. thei. thei. thei. thei. thei. thei. thei. thei. the. the. I can do that on my own though without... So what's the story of the octopus with two heads? It's happier in the end. Everyone likes happy ending. He's got company. But that's not a story, what, what, tell us the story? What are you made up a story about an octopus with two heads? No, I'm just saying... I've, I've, I've th, I've th, I've th, I've th, I've th, I've th, I've thought, I've thought, I've thought, I've thought, I've thought, I've thought, I've thought, I've thought, I've thought, I've thought, I've thought, I've thi, I've thin, I've th, I've the thin, I've the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I, I, I'm, that, that, tipea, tipe, toooomoom. tipe, tipe, the oa, the the the's changing. Right, what else is in the sea? Octopus. Right. What's an octopus like? Oh, it's just the big head with a load of arms.

Right, how would have changed that? I love this thought, Francis. But it's not a story. This is not a story. It's not anything. It's just some thoughts you've had. It's not your story is there to make you think and have thoughts. But what is it that you thought? You've not, I don't see what what you've thought here? I've just thought yeah that would be all right. I know but well like King Kong then that's only someone who's gone oh monkeys are getting better at stuff. Yes but it has a story doesn't it gone, oh monkeys are getting better at stuff. Yes, but it has a story, doesn't it? They go in search.

No, it isn't saying monkeys are getting better at stuff. That's not what it's saying. There's lots of them themes, but that's not one of them. But anyway, monkeys are getting better at stuff. No, they're getting better at stuff the way they try to sort of, you try to you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, try try try try try try try try try try try try try try try try to to to to to to to to to to to thry thry, thi, thi, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi thi thin thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thi thin, thi thi thi thin, thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi that's thi, do you know what? Quite fancier? And you know from the beginning, I mean that is a story that you go, well that relationship ain't gonna work. Do you know what I mean? I mean, I've not gone out with women who have quite fancied, but then they smoke and you go, oh that's enough to put me off. So when a monkey is that big, I, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's that's that's, that's that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's that's thi. thi. thi. thi. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. that's a they. that's a they. that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a wouldn't even, the thought wouldn't even pass my mind. To go to date. That we could, this could work out.

Sometimes it's just, you know, relationships aren't made for each other. Now, that for a story, you wouldn't think it'd go past page one. Yet you're having to go out of me because an octopus has got two heads. Which isn't that weird. that the weirdest thuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. th th th th th th th thu. th thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thi thi thi thi. thi. thi' that's just thi thi. that's just that's just that's just thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. that's just just just just just that's just that's just that's just that's just that's just that's just just that's just that's just thiiiiiiiiiaaa. thia. th must be the weirdest thing knocking about on the planet. I'm not kidding you. I've never seen anything so weird. And yet... He's angry because it's not a seen anything so weird as not so having it. It's not yet a story.

What's weird about it? What's strange about an octopus with all the things that could... Why is it any weirder than a dog? Because it couldn't be further away from us. A dog has got human eyes. If a jelly, honestly, if a jellyfish had a pair of eyes like ours, I probably wouldn't worry about him that much. But like I said to you, it's that way that they haven't got eyes, they're floating about, I can handle some fish, they look, they look like like like, because, to to to to to to to to to to to to to their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thea.ea.ea.ea.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a, thea, their, their, 't got eyes, they're floating about, I can handle some fish, they look, they look like, because they've got eyes, you can make eye-to-eye contact with them. A jellyfish, what are you looking at? It's a snidey thing, like I've said to you. You can see a lot in eyes, do you know what I mean? They say, don't trust him. Jell me, theyfish, they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're their. their. their. they're their. their. their. their. they're their. their. their. their. their. they're their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're their. their. their. their. their. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to make. to to make. to make. to make. to their. their they'd be the odd one that I'd go, oh that one's

all right. Okay Carl, I'm just gonna throw an animal like you. Tell me how weird it is. What bits annoy you, how you'd change it. Okay? A crab? Now would have changed it? Yeah. Does it annoy you? Do you think it's weird? Um, they are weird? But they're at that size where they can get away with it. Yeah, it suits them. Okay, good. Would it change anything, in a way, you know, what you're saying about things not working? He can't walk forwards. So why hasn't something happened? Why haven't they said, do you know what, these arms are too clumsy? We need to have them so they can slot away easier and we can pull them out when we need them. So they're clumping around with them. Because they do struggle. You see

them struggling with their arms. Yet they're still here, they're still doing that, they still design that way. What's the weirdest downable, so animal, so animal, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, and the way, the way, and the way, and the way, and the way, and the way, and the way, and the way, and the way, and the way, and the way, and the way, and the way, and the way, and the way, and the way, and the way, and the way, and the way, the way, the way, the way, the way, the way, the way, the way, the way, the way, the way, the way, the way, the way, the way, the way, they. they. they. they. they. they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they the weirdest animal, so you think the octopus is the weirdest animal on earth? Yeah. In terms of design and everything and if you lined everything up, say if I come from another planet and everything was lined up in a row and they said right we're going to give you a crash course in what's knocking about on this planet and you go right go on then and you go this is man, woman is a dog here's a cat is an octopus is it I go hang on a minute what is this Oh, it's only going to read that, I'm a... Pah! That jingle, of course, signifies another reading from Carpilkinton's diary. There was an animal in the paper today that I've never before seen. It's called an alpaca.

They are gormless looking. The fellow who breeds them said they are easy to look after, because they used to harsh conditions, because they normally live in the mountains. The problem with this is they will turn useless eventually and then if we try to bung it back on the Andes they won't like it. It's like how people win these live like a star for a week competitions. They're not good for anyone. Do you know what I mean? If something's living somewhere, but why are we going to send it back to the Andes, the And the And the And the And the And the And the And the And the And the And the And the And the And the And, the And, the And, the And, the And, the And, the And, the And, the And, the And, they's, they's, they's, they's, they's, they're, they's, they's, they's, they're, they're, they's, they's, they's, they's, they's, they's, they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's, they's, they's, they's, they's, they's, they's, they's, they's, they's, the And the And the And the And the And the And is, the And is, the And is, they... And, they're they're they're not, they're they're not, they're they're they..s, they're they're they're they're they're not,. Yeah, but say if eventually, you know, the world's getting busy, there's hardly any room and we go, right, what can we shift here? What's getting in our way that we can

shift? Well, those funny looking things came from the Andes, bung' them back. All right, then, they're put them back. And they go, oh, they're they're they're not, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their, their. there. there. there. there. there. There, there. There, there. there. there. there. there. There. there. there. there. there. there. there. there. there. there. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. there's. there's there's there's there's there's like it. They're not surviving, they're dying out. Why did we bring them here? Oh, it was closer. Yeah, but look, we've died out now of the... Sorry, this isn't not your soul. This isn't happening. They're angry about it, like it just happened and you're sick of it. None of this has happened yet. No, I'm just looking at how it will happen. Leave them where they were. But you're getting angry about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about speculating on now it's absurd car. Not once about terrorism or international you know political injustice not once have you written about that only about the fact we may send animals back to the Andes. I know but just because it just annoyed me that's all they brought him here some fellas getting a load of

praise because they brought this weird animal into the country and yet it's like well they were on the Andes for a reason leave them there they was a they they they they they they they they they they they they th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were their they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the the the to to the to to the the to to the thou to to to to the to to the to to to to the to their the the the the th it's like well they were they were on the Andes for a reason leave them there it was happier there I mean I feel guilty when I open a bag and a fly flies out of it and I think where has that come from? What bag are you opening with back flies by? What ba- No just when like you know the bag I took the computer home in a fly thrown I the thoo'n't th th th th tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho that that that tho that that that that that that tho tho tho tho tho tho tho told the the their tho to tho tho their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy their their their their? Where ever brought that from? And it's the same thing. He doesn't want to be somewhere else. It was where it was. And that's the same with this Palaco, whatever. Great news. Get $25 cash back. Oh, God! It's amazing! It really is the roundings for a madman, isn't it?

Some new sea thing has been found. There's no headlines on the news. It wasn't found by sea experts, it was found on eBay. Someone was selling it for a Fiver. I don't see the point in buying something that you don't know what it is. What do you mean? What do you mean? Someone's found some sort of shell with a thing

living in it right they thought I've never seen one of these before I can flog it on eBay someone bought it and then wanted to look after it went to some C expert and they said oh I don't know what that is that's that's the story it's just weird now now you can get up to 25 dollars no it wasn't found on ebay was it yeah but that's where the the the the the the special the special the special the special the special the special the special the special the the the th I th I th I th I that's that's th I that's th I that's that's that's th I that's that's that's that's th I was that's thi thi that's th th th th th th the thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. th. thi thi thi that's the that the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the that that that that there was it? Yeah, but that's where the specialist people sort of picked up on it. It's just weird that, I mean, all I was saying is I wouldn't want one. If you don't know how to, if it's a new creature, you don't know what, what makes it happy. When you get a kitten, you go, stroke stroke its head, loves it. And you can do that thrown. that that, all that, all that, all that, that, that, that, thii. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. All their their their tho, all all all all all all all all all all, all tho, all tho, all their their their their their their their their all all all all, all, all all all, all all all, all all, all all, all all. All, all. All, all. All, all all. All, all. All, all. All, all. All, all. All. All, all. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All, all. All th. All th. All I. All I th. All I'm. All I'm. All I'm. All I'm. All I'm. All I'm. All I'm. All I had a little seashell and you go does it sit in water? I don't know. Do you know what I mean? You could end up doing more damage. So that's why I wouldn't want it. It's nice to have rules and it's nice to know what you're doing with something.

Well as you're writing the diary, it's like if an alien landed and wanted to live with you, as much fun as it might to th food you gave it. That's what I'm saying but I couldn't have a go at it because he might not like pasta. It might not. Everyone likes pasta. Wow that's it for another week. I hope you've enjoyed this half hour of drivel. I mean some of the most stupid things ever said. I mean it's like it's got a contempt now for the world. Like he doesn't care what comes out of his head. Learn can be frustrating. Can it? You know, maybe I'm getting your thinking, maybe on your way home today you'll be going. Yeah, Octopus with two heads. And if you do that for five seconds, I've done my job. Good to have a th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. them. them. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. And if you do that for five seconds, I've done my job. Good to have a job, isn't it? So, for me, Vicky Duvay, goodbye.

From Steve Merchant, goodbye. And from Carl Pilkenton. All right.