The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Guardian S3E5 (September 19, 2006)

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

Series three of the podcasts was released on 22 August 2006. This season saw the return of Karl's Diary as well as a new feature based on Karl's attempts at Poetry. Pilkington was noticeably lethargic during this 6-episode series, having been in and out of the hospital with kidney stones and subsequent complications. This was a major focus of his diary entries during this period with Gervais and Merchant ridiculing him for his histrionics over what they noted was a minor, routine operation.All other known features were abandoned, with the rest of each episode focusing instead on conversation. The season had the same pricing implementation as season two, although the file quality was increased from 32 kbit/s to 56 kbit/s.At the end of the sixth episode, Gervais and Merchant agreed to put the show on an indefinite hiatus.

This is audible. Well, here we are, number five in a series of six of the Ricky Jove Show, with me, Ricky Jove, Stephen Merchant, and Carl Pilkington. And Carl. All right. Well, Carl, you are officially a published author. Your book came out, the world of Carl Pilkington. All right. Well, Carl, you are officially a published author. Your book came out, the world of Carl Pilkington, and a copy will go in the British Library. What? Well, they have to take every rubbish. I think it will go in the British Library lavatory. Yeah. For what I'm saying it'll be in there with like a collection of novelty postcards. And maybe this compendium. You know. Yeah, so they they they they they they they they they they they they they they have so they have they they have they have. Yeah, so they have they have they have they have they have they have they have they have they have they have they have they have they have they have th. Yeah, that. Yeah, that. Yeah, that. Yeah, th. th. tho. tho. that that that that that that that that that that that that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. tho. tho. thoooooooooooooooooooooo. the the thooooooooooooo. the tho. tho. thcards and this compendium. Yeah so they have to they take everything just think of that.

But is that a rule they set up when when books were more important to people? And now it's kind of like, I wish we never said we'd do that. Well they have to add two miles of shelves every year. That's what I mean. Now surely you know they change a lot of other rules don't they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they th. they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they try try try try try try try took try took took took try took took try took try. try took try t change a lot of other rules don't they? They used to allow people having their head cut off and now they've gone we shouldn't do that anymore so we'll sort that. Why don't they just say only so many books a year make it in there? Ones that are important to the future? But who knows what's important to the future? Well you know normally when when when when when when when when when when when I I I th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the they they they they're they're th th they're thus thus thus they're they're tho they're they're they're their they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they they're they they they they they they they're they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're their to to to to to to to to to. tooooo. to tooooooo. their their their their their their their they're they're they something that I think's a good point Yeah, you're always wrong No, no, but what I mean is when I say something that I think I have got a point there Yeah, but you're always wrong

But why do they do this? Why do they think they've got to keep everything because it's we're living in a world now where everything is sort of binable and you know? We'd use stuff? Binibble. Well. Binable. Binable. Well, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, th, th, th, th, th, th, thinable. thinable. thinable. th, th, but th th th th th th thinable. thi, but thi, but thi, but thi, but thi, but thi, but thi, but they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're th, but th, but th, but th, but th, but th, but th, but th, but th, but th, but th, but th, but th, thinable. Yeah, but thinnable. Yeah, but thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi thi thi thin, thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi, thi could say that. That's fine, that's fine. There was a sort of poetry to it but I think he stumbled across that. I don't think it was intentional. Yeah, I mean I still haven't got over last week and saying foodage. Do you know what I mean though? The world's changed so why is that real still hanging around when? Well it's not a rule I mean it's not a rule that the country's the rule is the rule is the rule is the rule is the rule is the rule is th is the rule is not th is th is not thu is not that's thu is not thu is not a rule is not a rule is not a rule is not a rule is not a rule is not a rule is not a rule is not a rule that that that that rule is not a rule the rule that's that's that's still that's still still that's still still that's still still still that's still still that's still still that's still still still that's still that's still that rule that rule that rule that rule that rule that's still that's not a rule still that's not a rule still that's not a rule that's not a rule that's not a rule that's not a rule the rule the rule the rule the rule the rule the rule the rule the rule the rule the rule that the rule that the rule that the rule that the rule is not a rule that the rule is that that the rule is that that that that that that that that that that that's that that the country is going to live and die by. It's just that it is seen as a repository for knowledge, for information. And I don't believe any old joke and wander in there and get one of these books. I think you have to either be a scholar. I think maybe it's open for a brief window for students.

But you know, you can't, you can just wander in there and book. There are some books that they have the book. the book. the book. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I, th. I, th. I, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th.... And, th. And, th. And, th. And, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thooo. And, thoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. And, the. And, to turn the page for you in gloves so you're the amino acids. I'd hate that. With yours it won't matter they just go it's over there or they throw it to you or they'll throw it to you. They're just like, they're sliding along the floor. They're saying, I can't give it to you Carl. They're thin' being timed though. I ate it when people go, oh have you read this? And then I can't read it properly, I'm thinking they're thinking I'm taking ages here.

Do you know what I mean? So I have to scan read it. And I go, oh, it's good that. And they're go in to think, and I go, and I go, about what? the fact. So I hate the fact, that's that, I that, I that, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I've. the fact, I, I don't, I've. the fact, I've. the fact, I've. the fact, I've. their, I've, I've, I've, I've, I'm, I've. I've, I'm, I'm, I'm, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, I've, I've, I've, I've. I've. I've. I have. I have. I have. I have. I have. I have. I have. I have. I have. I, I, I have. I, I, I have. I've. I, I've. I've. I, I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've. I've. I've. I've. I go in to read the Doomsday book, let's say, in order to just have a relaxing read, you're going in there to study it, you know, historically. They're professors and scholars and scientists and historians. They don't wander in because it's raining and they go, what's a good read? There's not a man wearing white gloves turning the pages of the latest Jackie Collins. Exactly. Do you have heat? Watching your lips move as you read to see if he could turn the next page. I suppose I shouldn't really feel guilty because at the end of the day, right, I mean people always rave about Shakespeare saying oh you know, his work was good. But at the same time, it probably put that on the book when he brings another one out, it put your review on it. Oh, that was good. Carl Wilkinton. But at the same time time time time time time time time time time time time time time time time time time time time the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I'm th. th. I'm th. I'm thi. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll their. I's I's I's I's I's. I's. I's I's. I's. I's. I I I's. I's. I's. I. I's. I. I. I's. I. I. I. I's. I. I. I. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I'm. I'm. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm t. I'm too. I'm too. I'm too. I'm s. I'm s. I'm s. I'm s. I'm s. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th, Carl Wilkinton. But at the same time, you know, like some people

will have a go, I'm ready for people having to go like that Wendy did about my little films are made. There's always people know. Wendy Robinson? Yeah, you know. So, you know, each to their own and that. And, you know, if everyone liked the same thing, I don't know what we do. So, so all I'm I'm saying I'm saying I'm saying I'm saying I'm saying I'm saying I'm saying I'm saying I'm saying I'm saying I'm saying I'm saying I'm saying I'm saying their th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to to say, to say, to say, to say, to to say, to to to to their, to to to to to to have. to have, to have, to have, to. to, to, to, to, to, to, to have, to have, to have, to have. to have. to have. to have. to have. their, their, their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. to. to. to. to. their, to. to. I. I. Sure. You don't know anything. So all I'm saying is everybody raves about Shakespeare. When, if you properly looked at what he did, he invented a lot of swearing words, right? Effin and Jeffin and that. That was one of his. Well it's Effing and Jeff and Jeff and Jeff and the tie from Part 2? Did you make a great deal of swear?

I don't know that I'm aware of this. A lot of them are Shakespeare invented. But all I'm saying is for some reason when things are brought out years ago, people say they're good even though they're not, is what I mean. But let's not mistake the fact that Shakespeare is not, he's not... People seem to confuse him as though they think he wrote these things in order to be read, he wrote them to be performed, their plays. They're not books in the traditional sense. He didn't bring out the latest book. No, but just when something's old it gets a bit more respect is what I mean. When I was watching that documentary about the real Indiana Jones, they dug out some

rocks with drawings on and they were like, oh don't damage and don't mark the paint and it's it's like, and it's like, and it's like, and it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like rubbish like rubbish like it's like it's like rubbish like it's like rubbish rubbish rubbish. It's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's. their-a'er-a'er-a'er-a'er-a'er-a'er-a'er-a'er-a'er-a'er-a'er-a'er-a'er-a'er-a'er-a'er-a'er-a'er-a'er-a'er-a'er.a'er. I's like, th. I's like, th. I's like, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho'er's, th. tho'er's. th. the-hea'-hea'er's the-hea'er damage and don't don't mark the paint and it's like it's rubbish he was like a stick fellow with a yack now or if a kid brought show me that I go hey it's not that good so what I mean is because stuff's old old old stuff gets respect but you're not judging it on its aesthetic merits you're judging it on its historical importance I don't that I don't think that's fair though, because when that fellow drew that, it wasn't old. He did it when he was knocking about. No, but you must see the difference between you doing a stickman on a wall with a bit of chalk near your local and a cave painting that they date to 10,000 years ago. Yeah, so in 10,000 years time when they find my story about the

Monkey Fireman, will it gain more respect then than it is now? No less. But why is it? Because people will more and more realize what a buffoon you are. The more research we do, the more of these podcasts we do, the more you expose yourself as an empty, egg-headed moron. That's a friend speaking right there. Richard Givese. No, he loves you like a brother. I'm just, I just think, you've mentioned him before Steve, this Peeps fella. Yes.

Has he done anything else apart from my diary? Because now I've done, now I've done a book and a diary. That means you're better than Peeps. Well, I'm not going to say that until I know, but what else did he do? Well, Peeps wasn't a writer predominantly, I believe he was, you know, like a bureaucrat or something. But he kept a diary which has since become a historical landmark. And what did he say in it? Well, it's again more because it's both well written and it's also an amazing insight. A social document. Yeah. It's a social document. I mean yours is a social document but it sort of revolves around having egg and chips and a calf and seeing a ladybird which you know. But that's today's living. Well his, he describes the Great Fire of London which is what it's most, it's best

remember. If we had one I'd write it down. I'm only writing what's happening. The Lady Bird happened. I wrote it down. He was just lucky. He was about in London when that happened. So you're a little angered that you've not witnessed one of the great disasters? Because the thing is, if they read your diary they think, well nothing happened that year. Nothing important in the world happened that year. Because your diary doesn't just mention, I mean okay yes it fails to mention any disasters in London because we haven't had any, but it doesn't mention any disaster, it doesn't mention anytasks in Iraq, terrorism it doesn't mention anything. But that's all being wrote about anyway, if you're saying there's a museum that's

keeping everything, there's loads of other books on that. Who's looking at the fellow whose skulls fell off? What? We see? It's interesting, isn't it? What do you mean the fellow's skulls fell off? What do you mean, the fellow's skulls fell off? What do you mean, his skull fell off? Well, that's what happened the other weeks I wrote about it? Well, that's what's how can a skull fall off because it's surrounded by tissue and's got a brain and how can just his skull, how can it, how can it detach itself from all the stuff surrounding it? He mislaid all his dreams. All I'm saying is that's not going to look in. No, because it's not significant or probably true. Good point, Steve. All right. Well, let me just, I'll just consult the diary quickly and find the, the, the, the, I. the, I. the, I's, I's, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the, the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. too. togue. togue. togue. togue. togue. togue. togue. togu. togu. too. too. too. th. th. me just, I'll just consult the diary quickly and find the, at the moment, with the man who skull fell off. Oh, here we are, yeah. Looks like the world's fattest man is having an operation to get rid of some of the fat. He has to have an iron bed because that's the only thing that can hold his weight. There's also a man whose scarle has fell out. He's in hospital. thi. the hospital. their. their. their. their. th. th. th. th. to. th. th. th. told. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. told. told. told. told. told, told. told. th. th. told, toe. toe. their. their. their. their. their. th. th. th. th. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So, the the t. the t. t t t to. to. the to. the the the the the the in to look at their head. What are you talking about there? That tells

us nothing. Right, it's impossible for a skull to fall out. How are scholars in 10,000 years going to be, what are they going to decipher from that? The consort of go? It But answer the question, how did his skull fall out? Fall out of what? He was at home, um, and I don't know if he was combing his air or something, but it come off. What did? His skull? What do you mean his skull? Do you know what the skull is? It's a part of the head. Well, no, it's the structure of the head. It's the bone, it's the bone, it's the bone, it's the the the bone, it's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thue. thue. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, thoome. thoome, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thu. tho, thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. tha. tha. thooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. tha of the head. Well, no, it's the structure of the head. It's the bone.

Do you mean the top of the skull? This is only useful if you have all the salient facts. Then it would be of interest to us. We could, we could... Well, I couldn't take that on. I'm busy. I'm not going to start looking into stuff in depth. You're such an idiot! You are the best idiot in the world! Well, I don't want to be premature, but that entry is followed by, I injured my toe the other day by dropping the toaster.

Instead of letting it hit the floor, I tried to catch it with my foot. I didn't think I'd done any harm, but my nail looks like it could fall off. I might show it to the doctor when I get my kidney stones out. We could easily get by without nails on the feet. They are more trouble than there were. You're so wrong. I think on the days when cavemen without shoes and animals need nails. I don't think we need them now.

I honestly, because you hear about ingrowing toenails. So that's that's that's th also th also th also th also thenails. I thia thinets thia thinets their their thia thia toenails, so that's a problem. You've got to cut them. Stuff gets under there and gets infected. Get rid of them, you won't have any of that, as long as you wear shoes. No, you'd have unprotected toes and fingers, wouldn't you? I didn't say on the fingers, just on the toes. So why do you need them on the fingers and not the toes? Because you use your hands to do stuff. I've said about toe nail out, it'd be good to have it growing on the head. What? Just having like a sheet of it, just like a nail on the forehead. You wouldn't

look weird because we'd all have it. I'm not saying what you're talking about now? I'm just saying I don't want to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go I don't want to go I don't want to go. I don't want to go to go. I don't want to to go. I'm to to their to have to have it, I to have it, I to have it, I to have it, I to have to have to have to have to have it, I'm to have it, I'm to have it, I'm to have it to have it to have it to have to have to have to have to have the the the the the the the the the the the their the their, I'm their, I'm their, I'm their, I'm their, I'm the their, I'm the the the the the the toe. I'm the toe. I toe, I'm the to toe, I, I the to the toe on about evolution stuff because we've done it all. What do you think the skull is for? No, but I mean on the outside so that when you bang your head it's a little bit more protection. Like people, I mean, you're looking at me like that, why do you wear helmet on a bike then? Because the bike wasn't meant to be invented. We weren't meant to whizz a long at 70 miles an hour with evolution. I know, but because life's life, you the their their their. You's their. You's their. You's their. You's their. You's their. You's their. You's their. You's their, you their, you their, you're th. You're th. You're th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm th. I th. I th. I'm th. I don't th. I don't the. I don't the. I don't the. I don't the. I don't tho. I don't the. I don't the. I don't the. I miles an hour with evolution. I know but because life's changing like you've said but you can't you can't go let's evolve let's re-evolve. Okay let's assume we've got this nail on our head that's growing out of our forehead. So we look like one big thumb. Yeah Which weirdly Carl kind of I mean you can almost imagine it looking at Carl now you can imagine a big nail. Does the nails continue to the nail. the nail. the the the the to the to the to to to the the to the to the to the to the the to the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. thin. the. the. the. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. to toeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. toe. the. the. the Does the nail continue to grow? Do we have to trim the head nail? Yeah, in the same way you get air cut. Why is that preferable in your mind to just wearing a crash helmet in instances where you might have something hit your head? Just because for a start, helmets you have to carry them around with you. That's one thing that's put me off on a motorbike. It's all like the clothes. It's all like like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, their, like, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. th. th. their, their, th. thr-in, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to to to to to to to to to to to to their, their, their, the it? You know, if you have a car, you can get him with your shorts and your flip-flops on.

A motorbike, it's like, it's like you're an astronaut or something, and you're only nipping down the roa for some milk. Do you know what I mean? So get rid, what I'm not carrying them they're on me. If I had to then tap the shorts off for whatever reason and walk around holding them I'd go I can't be bothered I don't like holding a bag I don't like bags we carry too much around with us now I don't like carrying stuff it's just a hassle isn't it? It's just endless things he doesn't want to do is like carrying's like carrying bags. Who the hell has a gripe about carrying bags? Why is that a concern?

Because it's stuff that's on you. I love the way that he wouldn't mind having a nail going out of his fucking head, but he doesn't want to carry a bag. What's good with it is, everybody's got one of these. But it's not going to happen, and the their, and their, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, thk, thing in your body, apart from the heart, is your brain. So protect that, not the toes. The toes we can get back without the toes. But your head's important, isn't it?

There's a lot of stuff in your head. And I know all this, just after seeing the body's in the body and it's there's loads of stuff there's nothing in there that you don't need it's all doing stuff everything in your body we've been telling you that for years but you just reckon they don't need the toenails yeah that's on the outside I'm saying everything that's on the inside of your body right you don't need the appendix no no but it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't that it doesn't that it doesn't that it doesn't that it doesn't that it's that it's that it's that it's that it's that it's that it's that it's that it's that it's that that's that it's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their th th th th th th th th th the the the the the toe the the toe toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. to toe. that's the. that's the. the't that depend on what lifestyle you have? Well it's a hangover of when we probably a lot more cellulose and it's... Yeah, well they might come back, things are always coming back, aren't they? So if people start eating them again?

What about male nipples? Uh, sort of looks all right though, because the chest is quite plain so with nothing on it, you go, what's this? It just balances it out. I think it looks all right. I think it works. So leave it. But what we were talking about? But wouldn't you rather have maybe a little like a rib cage around the testicles? Because you get a whack in them and it, oh. Yeah, that's pretty good. Not an invention, Carl. It's not an invention and we can't do it, but...

But will you be able to sit down still? Because that's the good thing with them at the moment is movement. So it sort of works. But don't they say, um, they said something about the body works thing well they're on the outside put your as a way car you're not one of the exhibits they're on the outside because they have to be a few degrees below body temperature for the I think the saturny cells to so that's that's an odd design that they had to go there because it is a bit of an odd place to have them. Where would you suggest?

Dangling from the throat? Um, sort of... I want to redesign you, right? You could possibly do this now. This is something you can actually do probably. You could probably have your testicles anywhere. So where would you want them? You've got a giant forehead nail. Yeah, you could have that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. thoe. It thoe. It probably thoe. It probably thoomea. It's thoome. It's tho, it tho, it tho, it tho, it tho, it th. It would th. It would th. It would th. It would the the the the the the the the the the the the th. It would th. It would th. It would th. It's th. It's tha. It's tha. It's that. It's tha. It's tha. It's that. It's thou. It's thea. It's that. It's thea. It's than. It's than. It's a thana. It's thana. It's a than. It's a tha You've got a giant forehead nail. Yeah. You could have that. It probably wouldn't grow, but we could certainly have that. I just mean like, because if all it's about

is temperature, you don't want to get them too hot. Well, they're getting hot down there, you're wearing pants and what have you? So have them nearer to the outside of the body. Well, they're the outside of the body. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. tho tho tho thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. the. the. thea. thea. thea. their, their, their their their their tea. their tea. their tha. tha. tha. th. So you wear pants over them because they're testicles and polite society suggests that you don't show your testicles. Yeah, well that's the odd thing, isn't it? That's what's happened somehow, that we've said testicles shouldn't be seen. Well then just got a whole, pair of your tousands. If it's only about, you know,these days, isn't they? But what I'm saying is... What are you saying? Where would you put them? Somewhere like, um, sort of under the ears.

So it sort of just looks like lobes. So you would redesign your body to have a pair of testicles hanging from your ears. And when people are sometimes talking, they do sort of mess with their ears and are always saying check for lumps, more handy. Does the penis remain where it is in a moment? Yeah. Well I don't know about you Rick, but I would love to see perhaps on the web, you know, it's very easy to put stuff on web pages now, some kind of illustration, could be computer generated, it could be drawn by hand of the new model Carl. They're in mind people that he's got some testicles underneath his ears. And a big thumbnail on his forehead.

Big thumbnail on his forehead. I'm talking to Carl, I want to see Carl's the round list that I like. Okay, so do a viral campaign. Anyone out there with a picture of Kyle, just get it everywhere. Because I want eventually everyone to, as they walk past him in the street, to shout, you shaved monkey, or look at that bald head, or look at fucking coconut face coming this way. You got a head like a fucking orange. Went out the other night with the lads. You know, there's a few of us, you know, young, free and single. Must have looked like the swingers. It was pretty, it looked like a boy band had gone out.

It looked like, you know, Ensink and hit the streets. Yeah, yeah. We'd dressed up, we' up for a few drinks. A friend of mine said, let's go to a club. I have been to a nightclub for a long time, actually, I haven't been... Is that because your glasses steam up when you walk in out of the cold? That is a problem in the winter. I genuinely is not...

It's very difficult to take them off and clean them and stuff and then you know you get a bit. On your wife friend, you pull your wife's up through the jeans, clean them on that. Or the back of a girl's dress. But we cruise down to the club is one of those big sort of super clubs, London superclubs. Never been in one of those, think it's a bit of a chore but we're queuing up we're in good spirits we're looking at it sounds pretty funky we can hear the music coming out you know been the queue for quite a while twenty twenty five minutes forget it twenty five minutes well yeah we were pretty excited by this

point the doorman says uh... I said yeah we're coming please no you're not you're not you're not you're not you're not you're not coming in. And he just immediately lifted the little rope and sent us away from the queue, right? And we were slightly perplexed. We were dumbfounded. We didn't know what to do. We didn't know what to do. It was like this couldn't be happening. It didn't make sense. We just cued up up what he's going on. And so my friend said, well are and how you can win an argument and make him look stupid. You'll be in that club in no time. That's what they appreciate. They love her. Because what they respect is being made to look like a fool. Yeah. So we went over and they really look up to intellectuals. Exactly, yeah. So one of our mates so when he says, why didn't you know that's in? And he went because you don't have they they they they they they they they they they they they don't have they they don't have they they don't have they don't have their they don't have to have to have to have their to have to have to have their to have their their their th. th. thi thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. that's that's that's that's th. that's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. You'd th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to. to. to to that's to to to the. I to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to that the. that's that's in? And he went, because you don't have any girls with you. Now, I'll tell you this, that's kicking you when you're down.

Because when you're out on a Saturday night, trying to get in a club to meet women, and the reason you're not allowed to go in a club to meet women is because you don't got any women with you. That's just salt in the wound. It's so humiliating. So, um, friend of mine says that there's a VIP entrance over there. And there's like a woman with a clipboard, you know, the guest list, a separate entrance. She said, you know, you've got a little bit of somethings in your room. Yeah, exactly. Well, I always say I always carry, you know, some of the cuttings with me. Yeah. And so I felt a bit self-conscious about that. I was thinking I'm not into this, you know, it's a bit awkward. But you said, look, don't

the wa'ro'er. Just stand here, just like you know, I'll point in. I'll point I'll go over, I'll say, I'll point, I'll point, I'll point, I'll point, I'll point, I'll point, I'll point, I'll point, I'll point, I'll point, I'll point, I'll point, I'll point, I'll point, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll a the the the the the their, I'll a, I'll a, I'll a, I, I'll a, I'll a, I'll, I'll, I, I'll, I, I'll, I'll, I'll, I, I'll, I'll, I'll, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'll, I, I, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they.. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the that loads out of the office. Oh God, Steve! So I thought, you know, well, the thing is we were out and I was a bit frustrated and I thought, you know, we may as well try everything. So I stand there with my friend who goes over when he has a word and he comes back, and he says, it's fine. She's, she can't let us in the VIP entrance because she's not allowed, to walk, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the, to, the, to, the, the, the, the, the, the, to, the, the, th. I, th. I, the, we, th. I, th. I, th. I, we, we might, we might, we might, we might, we might, we might, we might, we might, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we might, we might, we might, try, try, try. try. try, try, try, try, try, may, try, may, may, try, may, try, try, t front of the queue and explain. So I think, okay, fine. Oh God. So the guy takes me and my mates, right, this girl, she takes us, we walk past everyone else, right, to the front of the queue, right? She goes having to have my photo taken, so there's people inside the line that's being allowed in the club, I've got to lead across the rope to have my photo taken with them, even though I'm not allowed

in the club. So they go, oh, all right, this is Steta, they're going into the club. They're going into the club, the club, the club, the club, the club, the club, the club, the club, their their their thage, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thee, thee, thi, thi, thi, thi, and thi, thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. So, th. So, th. So, thi, thi, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, soo, soo, soo, soo, soo. So, thee, thee, thee, so thee, so thee. So, thee. So, thee. So, thee. So, thee, thee into the club where the music the party is kicking off. I'm outside waiting for the next chump who wants to have his photo taken. I mean it was mental. So um... That's unbelievable. I was furious. And then one guy, I remember he was, he was straight and he goes, oh yeah, brilliant. I love the podcast and all that stuff. I loved. It's Carl's with you. I said, it's, it's, it's, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I was, th. I was, th. I was, th. I was, th. I was, th. I was, th. I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I was, th. I was, th. I me, she went, Who's that? And he went, oh, he says, see, where she does the office, he does something, and she went, who cares? Who are you, Bruce Forsyth?

And it's that thing when, suddenly I'm being humiliated and embarrassed by someone's girlfriend. I never asked for that. I never asked for her opinion on me. I'm sorry if I don't impress you, if I'm not th I'm not but it's not my fault. It's your boyfriend who brought it up. It was like I'd gone over to her and tried to show off and she was annoyed. So by now I was just furious. So I thought, forget this. Well, I was walking down the street and there's a group of builders sitting,

um, sitting down and a cup of tea. One of it goes, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, I was, thi, tho-I tho-I tho, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I I was, I I I I was, I I I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, thi, thi, thi, I was, thi, thi, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, toda, today, thi. So, thi, all right Rick? I went, all right, mate. The other one went, not as fat as on tele. I went, oh thanks. Not as fat as on tele. So he went with, where you are fat but you look even fat on tele. He didn't say, oh God, you don't look fat at all, oh you look, you look, you look, you look big on tell. Just went with with, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. thi. thi. that, thi. So, that, thi. So, thi. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, not, not, not, not. So, not. So, not. So, not. So, not. So, not. So, not. So, not. So, not. So, not. So, not. So, not. So, not. So, not. So, not. So. So, not. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. th. th. th. th. th. the th th th th th that. that. that. that. th. that. th. that. th. th. th. th. just work with not as fat as on tele. There's nothing I could say but cheers mate. Now when you said cheers mate because you did you say that because you're because I'd say cheers mate because I'd be a little bit scared of them? No I'd be worried like they're gonna try to me. No I'd be worried like they're gonna turn on me any minute. I'd be worried. you can't feel confident with with with with with with with with with with with sarca with with sarca with with sarc a sarc a sarc a sarc a sarc a sarc a sarc a sarc a sarc a sarc a sarc a sarc a sarc a sarc, I with with with with with with with with a sarc, I with a sarc, I with a sarc, I with a s with a s sarcasm, I with a s sarcasm, I with a s sarcasm, I with a s sarcasmus, I with a s sarcasm, I'm a s sarcasm, I'm a s sarcasm, I'm a s sarcasm, I'm a s sarcasm, I'm a sc, I'm a s, I'm a little, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I their their their their their, I th, I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I'm a thi, I'm a t. I'm a little, I'm a tttm, I'm a tm, I'm a tm, tm, tm, tmast, tm, tmah-a'a'a'a'a'a'a'. I feel like they're going to turn on me at any minute. You don't feel confident sort of backing in a lorry driver. Terrified. Oh right. Because if I did, he'd probably lean out and just go, go and get your dad mate. Yeah, not you. Fuck off. I'm not interested. Not you. Not you. Not you. the final stab is this guy he goes, now you know it's a singles party. I thought, oh what? He says, you know it's a singles party, oh, God. So I go in this party, right?

It's all single people, right? Now theoretically that should be brilliant, right, if you're a singleton yourself. It's the worst kind of party, because when you normally normally go to a party, right? You think, oh, she's probably got a boyfriend or whatever, or she, you know, she's with mates, that's fair enough. But when you're at a singles party and a woman says, I'm just gonna go get a drink, and then you just see her leaving. You, you realize it's not because she's got a boyfriend, however, it's just because she doesn't want to talk to you.. You can't even pretend. And you suddenly sense everyone,

judging everyone else. So you see a girl and she'll like, look at you, look at you, look at you, and then ignore you and walk on. And it's just, it's like a massive slap in the face. It's like girls coming up to you and going, not interested. Just by being there, they don't have to say anything and they're rejecting you. And so, so I'm trying to me, anyway, my friend, one of my friends has been reading this book, The Game, right, by this guy called Neil Strauss, which is sweeping a certain part of the population because it is one of those books written on how to meet women and institutes women, right? This is a guy called Neil Strauss who infiltrated a sort of secret organization in America of blokes, right? And they're always coming up and saying, oh, th we've th we've th we've th we've th we've th we've tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thrown thrown, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thro, throoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, thro, thro, the theory is that she's getting asked out all the time by bloke, right? They're always coming up and saying,

oh you're really beautiful, can I buy your drink? And that what you have to do to set yourself away from the pack is to sort of not be so obviously complimentary. So you come up and you almost sort of pay her, too your shoes, I've seen another girl wearing them in the club, right? And the theory is that she's sort of all, and she's a bit taken her back, she's a bit thrown off, and then of course you start complimenting her and you start building her back up again. It's very elaborate mind games. I'm not saying it's a good idea. But we've th th been th been th been then then then then thin thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thin. thin. thin' thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. theateateateateateateate. thi. thi. thi. thi. their their their their. their. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She's a thi. She's a thi. She's a thi. She's a thr. She's a thaa. She's a toda. She's a toda. She's a toda. She's a toda. She's a toda. She's a today. She's a bit thea. She was a little bit drunk and I wasn't thinking it through and I thought about the neck because it wasn't going very well but but I don't think you should say to a girl I think your ears are a bit too big for your

head because like you don't mean it's like you can't come back from that and it's there's nowhere else to go because that really is just an insult an insult An insult. Oh, he's only gone and listened it down. Oh, he's only gone and listened it down. The little grumpy garner. That jingle, of course, signifying yet another reading from Carl Pilkington's diary, as always packed with rich insight into the man's mind. Had a late night last night because I stayed up to watch a program about monkeys.

It's already good. Now before I read on, I mean is this not some kind of monkey news? Is this not a late return to monkey news? Well, it's not, it's not that good. Is it not? Whereas the other monkey news is... Oh chimpanzee likes more shit! This is what he says.

This is what he'd gleaned from the program about monkeys. It sat on a bridge and wanted stuff off people to walk Booth was ridiculous. No it was a bridge in like the jungle. Oh shut the fuck up! And it's a monkey that sat on a bridge and a lot of tourists go through the area. No, it's a monkey who realized that if he sits there it gets stuff because it looked like it's a cute little chimbegging. No, but every time. Yeah, because you give a monkey, give it, oh I'm as him now, if you give a chimpanzee, a banana, and he starts realizing that humans have things to give. Squirrels learn that. If you don't go, oh, you wouldn't say it or went to the park, the squirrels waiting on the gate, you have to give him a tole to go in, they're not there, they're not they're going they're going they're going they're going they're going they're going they're going they're going to to their their they're going to to th and th and they're going to to th and they're going to to to give, and to give, and their to give, and you're going to to give, and you're going to give, and you're to to to to to to to to give, and you're their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th and they, and they're going, and they're going, and they're going, and they're going thin, and they're going thin, you're going thin, you're going thin, you're going thin, you're going thin, you're going today, you're going to thin, you're going thin, you're going thin, you're going thin, you're going to give, idiot. Went to bed after watching it and fell asleep thinking about it on the bridge right now. It's a bit bad really because the monkey should work harder for its food. It made me remember the slug I saw yesterday that was eating bird poo. Nobody would ever help a slug with food like they do with ducks and monkeys. A slug's life is pretty bad. The only time they come out of their den is when it's raining. DEN. So even their days out are depressing.

It is. Do you know what I mean? No. It is like, it's a horrible thing to be in it. A slug. I love him talking about why is it like to be a slug. No, just because like the monkey, even though it's being quite aggressive, everyone everyone everyone everyone everyone everyone everyone everyone everyone everyone everyone everyone everyone everyone everyone everyone everyone everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, the monkey, even though it's being quite aggressive, everyone was like, oh give it some water and it was, it was well-like, it kitted out, it had like, you know, chocolate bars, bottled water, some like, you know, fizzy stuff, and all that. And all that. And I part it was listening to monkey news. It could have had one if he wanted one, it was getting away with murder on that bridge. And that's just just just, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's just, th. I, th. And, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, thoomha, tho, you, you, you're, tho, tho, like, like, like, like, they. It, they. It, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, they. And, they. And, they. And, they. And, they. And, they. And, they. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, like, the. And, the. would be that friendly towards it and it just annoys me how you get this pecking order for like no matter what creature you are, favouritism.

And that slug was only eating that bird poo because it wasn't being offered stuff. If it was offered to toughes or whatever. Well it's just sad, it's come to that, that's where its life has come to. Yeah, but it's not. He didn't live in a big country house and the wife left of the kids when he started hitting the ball. And I kind of thought, and look they do only come out in the rain and it's depressing and it'll probably get killed in a bit and that was its last meal. I just... Last meal!

People don't care. People don't care. . It's like an insect! Well, it's part of that gang. It's part of that. No, it's part of- They hang out together. Why do you think it's part of that gang?

It knocks about in the woods in the same place as a spider does. But what I'm saying is they're eating boring stuff because that is what that's, no, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that is, that is, that is, that, that, that, that is, that, that, they's they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're not, I have no opinion of it at all. They take in sustenance. No, but where you are is what you eat. When I'm in London, I'll have beans on toast for lunch. On holiday, what? Tapas, go on, I'll have a bit. So it's whatever you eat what's in that area. Suzanne went off to work and I went to the shop to buy some envelopes. The shop was empty but the fellow behind the counter was on the phone and just kept talking even though he could see I was waiting. I started to count backwards from 20. When I got to 6 he hung up and served me. I won't use the shop again. Question, why count backwards from 20? So he's thinking what's going to happen at one? If I started carrying from one, let him carry on. What, out loud? Not, not, not, not, not mouth action so he could see who was doing it.

You know like that? Sorry, you just started miming counting backwards to a man in a shop. He's on the phone. Yes. I thought he'd like me custom. He could have served me and stay on the phone. Even though I don't like that, at least he's still doing what, you know he needs to do. I said, sorry, can I just get their their their their their their their th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that, to to th. to to to to to to to to to to that, that, to to be to be to be to be to be to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. to th. th. th. th. th. th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, that, that, that, that, that, that, thou. the. the. the. the. thou. the. the. toe. toe. to to the. to the. the. He's needs to do. I said sorry can I just get these please? Yeah. Well I stood there and I thought it's annoying me now my kidney is aching and I started to get a bit of a sweat on. So I thought right I'm going to give him 20 seconds and if he hasn't got off the phone I'm leaving. And when he got to when I got to about six he served me. What's wrong with that? I get giving yourself a strangest. I a strangest. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, th. th. th. th. th. tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, thi I could have been stood there for ages. He's one of the strangest people who's free to walk. Yeah, it's about...

No, I set myself a little target and I thought I don't want to waste another 30 seconds. I'll give him 20. It worked. He had served me at 6. It didn't work. Yeah, but did he do it because you were doing that, or did he finish his phone call? I don't know, I was busy counting. Looked at what's being going on in the world. There was a human head attached to a seagull's body in a jar. Is that all it says? This is the sort of weird stuff that goes on behind surgery doors. I doubt it ever flew because the head would have been too heavy. Well of course it wasn't, it didn't happen, it wasn't live.

No but they try this stuff don't they? That's like that program I watch with a monkey. Well who has ever tried to put a human head on a seagull's body? They've done loads of stuff like that. It's part of us moving on, isn't it? What are you talking about change a heart now from another body? You have to try things out, it's trial and error. All sorts of weird stuff goes on in hospitals, but we let it happen because it's to help us out in the long run, isn't there? What are they aiming towards when they're going to find out if you can put a head on a seagull's body? What is that, what are they to want to to to to to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn, to learn, to learn, to learn, to learn, to apply, to apply, to apply to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their their to their to apply that knowledge? A new heart is obviously for a reason it saves a life. What is this to save money on transport? Instead of getting a bus pass you go can you pop a head on the seaguels body? I go well it won't try it. Yeah but there is there is odd things like that like a saw a fish the other day right honestly it's the weirdest thing it was just like a blob with a face now. th. th. th. th th th th I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I th I I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I there is. Yeah. Yeah. there. there. there. there. th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I I th. I I I I th. I th. I th. I th. I the the the th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I's the weirdest thing. It was just like a blob with a face.

Now I would never have said, yeah, let that swim about. I'd have killed it from day dot. I would have gone get rid of it. Under what circumstances would you have killed that from day dot? Oh, I'm just saying, looking at it, I'd say that does not work. And it looked sad. It looked like it didn't want to be allowed. Have you got her a number? Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Well that's it for another week. The end of episode five. One more to go in this series of six with the Ricky Gervais show. We'd love you to buy Carl's book because it is genuinely, it is

genuinely interesting and funny as a, you know, just as a social experiment to see that you know proves Carl's theory wrong that a monkey can write a book. So so uh spy from me Ricky Javais, goodbye from Steve Merchant. Goodbye. And goodbye from the little, shaven monkey that is Carl Pilkington. Audible hopes you've enjoyed this programme. I'm going to be able tory to the treaty. I'm not sure.