The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Guardian S3E6 (September 26, 2006)

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

Series three of the podcasts was released on 22 August 2006. This season saw the return of Karl's Diary as well as a new feature based on Karl's attempts at Poetry. Pilkington was noticeably lethargic during this 6-episode series, having been in and out of the hospital with kidney stones and subsequent complications. This was a major focus of his diary entries during this period with Gervais and Merchant ridiculing him for his histrionics over what they noted was a minor, routine operation.All other known features were abandoned, with the rest of each episode focusing instead on conversation. The season had the same pricing implementation as season two, although the file quality was increased from 32 kbit/s to 56 kbit/s.At the end of the sixth episode, Gervais and Merchant agreed to put the show on an indefinite hiatus.

Hello and welcome to the last in this series of six of the Ricky Jove show with me Ricky Abbey, Steve Merchan and Carl Pilkington. Hi. Carl as you're aware you've obviously got many celebrity fans, David Bowie is a fan, people involved with creating The Simpsons. And you've also got a new fan, Warwick Davis, who is the short actor that many people will see in films like Return the Jedi. He also is in Harry Potter.

He's 3 foot 6 and Ricky and I worked with him recently on extras. And far from asking us about the many celebrity names that we've worked with, the only person he was interested in talking about, Mr. K. Pilkington. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He wanted to meet you, Carl. Yeah. Well, is he all right to get on with? Why wouldn't he be? Um, just because sometimes when people aren't normal, it's just... Sorry? No, I just mean when, when someone, like, I've met a few little people in my time, the one that I met, I met a little fellow once, and he was all right. He got drunk really quick. But he was all right, but it took me by surprise. Only because, like I've said about when I met Steve for the first time, it's only that same

thing, and then if I lived with the little fellow, I'm sure we'd get on a storm. What do you mean when you met Steve? What's the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the little, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm th, I'm th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. He, thr, thr, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, to happen. What do you when you met Steve for the first time? Now we've done it, you know, when he walked in it, just a bit of, oh, it's different. But then I see Steve every week and, you know, the same way I say I like watching Elephant Man, from the first time I watched it to the last, totally different. When he walks in the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first to watch, it, it, it's, it, it, to wa, it's to watch,, look at that. It's a mess, isn't it? When I watch it again, it's kind of like, oh here he is, here's John. So it doesn't, things wear off, that's like the world, isn't it? Things don't amaze you as much as you see things and you use things often. And it's the same with the little fellow are you talking then't then't then't th. out. First time I see him I'd be a little bit like, oh what do you say? You know, what

shouldn't I say? Whereas once you get to know him, I'm sure it'd be a lovely little fella. I don't know where to start, Steve. Well Warwick I think suspected as much. He's offered you an interesting fact, actually. You're wearing headphones now. Apparently you wear those headphones for just one hour and it will multiply the amount of bacteria in your ear by over 700 times. But why is he worrying about that? I mean... I mean... Well he's not worrying about it. He thinks he's of interest to you because you're wearing headphones. It's part of your profession. You wear headphones, yeah. But Warwick asks really, um, what are your thoughts on short people,

particularly in entertainment because of course they've throughout the ages made an appearance, particularly in fiction, Tom Thumb of course, the Impolumpers? What do I think of them? You're just wondering, I suppose, what your take is? They're all right. I mean when I was on jury duty, when you go in the morning you have to go into a big sort of waiting room and every day I'd sort of see one popping and he'd be sort of struggling getting on the chair. And it sort of, it was kind of something to watch. It was different. That's what's good with with s in life if you look at stuff and you go, oh look at that. And seeing him struggle on the chair, he was happy. He wasn't struggling in a way that he felt uncomfortable. He'd obviously climbed a lot of chairs in his time. And this was just another one.

And watching him, it just makes you think you go, you know, I should appreciate that I don't have that problem every time I have to sit down and what have you? But I don't, you know, I don't think it's that bad. If I had to pick being really tall or really small, I'd go for the really small one because you know, it's, you know what I mean? The world's a more interesting place for him, everything't it? Everything's bigger. Do you know what I mean? We go to New York and go, wow, look at this, and there you go, and they go, oh dear. Do you know what I mean? Everything's a lot bigger. Everything's more amazing. Food portions, everything's a bonus. So out of the two, I'd be small, and maybe that's what I'd chat to Warwick about for a bit just to get get to know him, get him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him... to know him. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant him. Brilliant. Brilliant him. Brilliant. Brilliant him. Brilliant him. Brilliant him. Brilliant him. Brilliant him. Brilliant him. Brilliant him. Brilliant him. Brilliant him. Brilliant him. Brilliant. Brilliant. to to get to get to get to get to get to get to to to know him. to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to to get. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to know, to know, to know, to know, the, the, their. their. their. their. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the. their, their, their. the he's not being able to pop in. I'd like to hear that conversation. But I've got, you know, speaking of like weird stuff and that. I've got a new book.

Well, we weren't, but go on. No, got a new book. Do you know I had that freaks book, the top 50 freaks, got a new one sent to me? Really? Yeah. And do you know, like everything normally has a that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that their their their that their that their that their their their their their. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. Well, well. Well, well. Well, well. Well, well. Well, well. Well, well. Well, well. Well, well. Well, well. Well, well. Well, well. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. We the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the two-edded fella you know they're all nicknames like that aren't they they've got two nicknames I imagine but this new book I've got right on the cover of this one it's got like a woman with three breasts right and she's called the three breasted woman as you'd expect and there's a what else was in there There's a fella, the one face... Why is she posing nude though? That's what I want to know. Showing off.

It's not the worst disability, is it? Well, just if you got three, it didn't mean you have to get them out for the... for the latter, doesn't it? Tart. Oh, she looked happy. And there was a fellow with like one face but two bodies. Doing one face but two bodies. One face two bodies. What do you mean one face two bodies? Surely you want a head?

Two bodies. Ed as well but it was mainly the face that was weird because he looked fed up. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? How can you have, what do you mean? How did it join to the net? No it did it did it the head it the head it did it the head it the head it the head it did it the head it the head. It did it the head. It did have their. It did have their. It did have the face. It was the face. It was the face. It was the face. It was the face. It was that it was that. It was the face. It was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. the face. the face. the face. the face. the face. the face. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the the th. the th. the the th. the the the the the did it did have a head but the fact is it was weird that I had one face to me what do you mean well of course you got one head you'll have one face yeah I know but it was just it was the fact that he had one face and two bodies that I didn't think why why would you man with one face. Yeah, but now I've got one body. Yeah, well surely is the man with two bodies then? Again, the description. Roll up, roll up, see the man with one face. Yeah, I know, yeah.

He's just got like a face and then one neck and then it splits off into two bodies. It's really weird. Honestly it's weird. It was ages ago. What is it? No, no, it doesn't happen. So it's full of stuff like that, right? And what I'm saying is, that fellow, you know, the one-faced man, the three-breasted woman. He wouldn't be known as the one-faced man is what I'm saying. Well, they've all... That isn't the peculiar thing about him. Well, he all had names like that. But he was one, but that, but that, but that, but that, but that, but that, but that, but that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th th was, that, that, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that, that, that, that, that, that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that thee thee the the the the the the the the the th even have a nickname. It was so weird. What do you mean? It just said unidentified. What does it look like? Sort of testicles for eyes. That's that's they just reminded me when you talk about that. What do you mean testicles for eyes? And what is it? Did they have a normal body? I didn't even look at that. Oh for the. So that's what I'm saying though you're attracted to, to to the nickname to. to to to to to to to to to to to the name. It. the name. the name. the name. the name. the name. the name. the name. the name. the name. the name. the name. the name. the. the you talk about that strange. What do you mean testicles fried? And what is it? Did they have a normal body?

I didn't even look at that. Oh, for f- No, that's what I'm saying though. You're attracted to the oddness of the thing. And that's what we're saying about Warren when he walks in. Warwick. You know, it'll be. You know I mean like I've said I'm surprised that things like that don't happen more because especially after being in hospital and seeing how the body works and that you have no idea how the body works. No honestly I've got no idea you've learned nothing since the age of seven I've got me

head round it a bit more and the way that there's loads of people in the world and yet you don't see people with like dangly eyes more often. It amazes me. I love the fact! But he's amazed by not seeing friends. It's incredible. He's walking down down the street going on everyone's got one head. That's weird. Suzanne, I don't see any dangly eyes today? No, me neither. It's. It's. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. the the the the the the the the th. thi. the the the the the the the the their. their. their. I's their. I's their. I's their. I's their. I's their. I. I. I's their. I. I. I's their. I's their. I's their. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's the the the the the the th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm toda. I'm ta. today. ta. It's weird, isn't it? What's going on in the world? Warwick's not being the only correspondent. We've had a number of people. Remember years ago we used to encourage people to send in questions, and those questions have been drifting in ever since, really.

Just things that people want term these philosophical questions or at least questions that might help you think ponder on some of the bigger ideas. This is your forte, Carl, philosophy, isn't it? Question one. Carl, are all men born equal? Well, we've talked about Warren. Warwick? Say if like the pillow man, right, the fellow with no arms and legs, if everyone was like that, he wouldn't be, that wouldn't be a disability.

He'd be equal to everyone else, wouldn't he? When someone fights for equality, it doesn't mean they want to be treated literally the same. For example, it's usually about a prejudice, isn't it? Or a lack of opportunity. If you were, just to think of an equal opportunity in terms of a job, if you needed someone for a lookout on a lighthouse and a blind person went along, they couldn't do the job, whereas if it was listening for stuff and you didn't give it to the blind person because you were worried about, hmm, the blind people, that would be imposing a prejudice because he could hear as well as you. So if he was the best for that job he should get it despite his other disability.

But I'm pretty sure, yeah your your ears are important in a line-up. I'm pretty sure he's coming down on the wrong side of the argument, Steve. Keep going. Go on. No, I just want to hear it. I mean, do they want to go for any job, go for it, but then don't moan if you don't get it. That's all I think. Is that your eager opportunity statement? That's your statement? Well I don't tech anyone on so I don't have all these worries but I'm just saying if I was in charge of that lighthouse and the deaf fella turned up,

uh, was he deaf or blind? Well it depends, I gave you two scenarios. There was one of me, there was a deaf guy and a blind guy. And no one else. I put another advert in. Okay, well we've got another question here which I suppose in some respects is along the same lines. Do you believe in the notion that history is written by the victors and consequently... Well don't tell him what the upshot of that is. No I was just to say consequently what does that mean? Yeah, sorry, yeah, so I and consequently what does that mean for history as we understand it? Just that stuff's written by the people

who won it type thing. One what? One whatever they did. But what, yeah. Well if it's if it's a war the ones who won it wrote it but of course you're gonna do that. That's what you do, isn't it? You shout about it if you win something. If you lose you go, oh don't talk about that. No, no, a dominant somewhere that they keep an eye on what goes out, what's propaganda or whatever or what's taught in schools. You know. But it's even more significant than that because it comes down to the very, very minute pieces

of information that we see in every walk of life. Prior to black people having their freedom when they were slaves, history or the history of black people was not being written by black people. Therefore it was always seen through white eyes, which often explained, justified or excused or dismissed or didn't even mention many of the apporant things that happened. So it's hugely significant. I suppose you can have, bring out two two two two two two two to two to to to to to thue to thue to thue thue to thuux thux thux to thux thux to thux thux to to to the apporant things that happened. So it's hugely significant. I suppose you can bring out two books, you know. I mean there's loads of books, I brought one out. If I can get one out, let the losers bring one out, is what I mean. Just let everyone have a book. And then you decide, you know, let people decide which one they want to read. I think they did it with some story where it was like you decide the end.

Okay. That was largely a point in this exercise, wasn't it? He's got no idea. Carl, do you believe that the future is fixed? Do you believe that your life unfolds as a matter of destiny? I've heard something about this where there's some system that it is laid tha tha tha tha thi..., and thi.., and thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, and thi, and thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the th, th, th, the th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii thii thi their their their their thi th about this where there's some system that it is laid out for you. And even if you want, say if I wanted chicken for me tea, I really fancy having chicken, but when I get to the supermarket, the fellow girls haven't got any chicken, you're having beef, they say that that was already laid out for you and that day you were having beef no matter what happened.

Fatalism. There's a slightly more attractive theory called determinism where they say it's not so much... Well that's if you want chicken you'd go to the next supermarket and you'd go, well I'm going to find it. It doesn't mean, yeah, it doesn't mean you're determined in that sense, like you've got a, you're definitely going to have chicken tonight. It means that it was determined, as in pre-determined. But all determinism basically says is that, you know, it's not whether you can choose you know, it's whether you can choose your choice because it's, you know, it's to to to to to to to to to to to to their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, you're their, you're their, you're their, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their their their their their their their the their their their their their, their, their, their, their's to do with brain states and we think we have the illusion of free will because you go, oh I have a drink, oh a fancy coke. But something in you happened that meant you wanted coke. Well this is weird right, because do you know how I've been in hospital having me

kidney stones done and what have you? Well as they do in hospitals and this is why I don't like going in them. Did I just try and explain determinism to Carl Pilkington? Yeah, I didn't want to stop you but... I mean what? What am I thinking? It just made you look, you look more of an idiot than you. I know exactly. Yeah, I feel stupid. I'm in hospital, I'm the th.. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Do. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I the. I the. I the. I the. I to the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I th like I've said to you, the annoying thing is when you're in hospital, they didn't just have a playabout with the kidney, whilst they're there, they're fiddling about with other bits, right? And they like, oh, let's have a feed on that. No, no, but that's what they do. Whilst you're in, let's have a prod about. They took some blood, right. And they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they're, they're, they're, they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're, they, they, they, they. they, they. they. they, they. they. they, they. they, they. they, they, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're their, their, their, th. th. th. the. the. the. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're to us, they said, now the weird thing is, these kidney stones you had, it was probably caused by too much calcium. Right?

That's what they are. They're a calcium buildup where you're not flushing it out and so it's... Yeah. Now the weird thing is there, I don't like having corn flakes. So what I'm saying is what you're just saying there is your mind or whatever. I've like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like the the the the the the the the the the word. I don't their their their their their their they their they they they're their their their they're their their they're their th. I they're they're th. th. they're th. th. they're th. they're they're they're thi. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they. they're they. they. T. T. they. T. I. I. T. T. I. T. T. I. T. I. I. T. T. T. T. I. T. I've asked you before I don't know what's in charge but say like when I get up in the morning normally Susanne will have some rice crispies she's like do you want some right just have some and I'm like no now that isn't me saying no

that's the calcium that's my body going I don't need any milk don't give me milk I'll have a crumpet. Now, bear in mind Rick that in the space of three minutes we've gone from your definition of determinism to him having a lovely crumpet for breakfast. There's no one else in the world you can have a conversation with where you can make that distance. But it is interesting how my body, have you ever had it right? Sometimes I can go ages. But no, your body lied to you because your body said you don't need water, you don't need water, you don't need water. Oh, yeah. Like today before I left, Suzanne said what do you want,

straight away so I need some leaks. Now, whatever I've, that operation I've had, that operation I've had, obviously, I've taken out whatever give me I'm lacking on that. See I think I think he probably has it more than the rest of us because he I think he uses his subconscious more than this we think about stuff he is like the leech that is going on chemical memory yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Oh he's only going to write it down! Oh, give it a jingle. That jingle there signifying of course, once again another reading from the diary of Carl Pilkington.

Now of course for those of you who have not been keeping abreast of Carl's medical complaints, just brings up the speed, Carl. You had to go into hospital this week. Because previously you'd had... I've been in and out of that hospital, just with kidney problems, really painful and what have you. And, yeah, the kidney stones are right, sorted. But seriously. Monday. I had a bit of a lion today because I have to get up early for my operation tomorrow. Not only have I got to have tubes shoved up my knob, but I also have to get up at 550. Suzanne said said said I said I said I said I said I said I said I said I said I said I said I said I said I could to I could to I could to to to the th. Suzanne said I could I could I could I could I could I could I could I could I could I could I could I could I could I could to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have their their their their their. Sue. Sue. Sue. Sue. Sue. Sue. Sue. Sue. Sue. Sue. Sue. Su-a. Su-a. Su-a. Su-s. tha. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. today. today. I t to get up at 550. Suzanne said I could have what I want

for my last dinner. It's not your last dinner, you're going for an operation. Yeah, but you can't take things for granted these days. I had shepherd's pie and peas. Suzanne made it from scratch. As nice as it was, it was annoying. Because making stuff from scratch means loads of pots and it's my job to do the washing up. So much as the food was nice, there was loads of pans and that. People who get their last dinner on Death Road don't have to wash up. Got up at 5.55. You were supposed to be getting up at 5.50 on the other page. You were five minutes late getting up. He's often late. No, just because I needed to have water. Before 6 o'clock they said don't have anything after 5. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to th. to th. th. to th. th. th. th. th. to to th. th. to to to to to to to to the their their to to to to their to to to to to get up at 5, to get up at 5, to get up at to get up to get up to get up to get up to get up to get up to get up to get up to get up to get up to get up to get up their. their. their their their their their their their their their their th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. their their their their their their th. their their th. the. We'll get up at 550 then like you were planning to. You have five minutes, you have five minutes, don't take ten minutes to have water though, does it? Well why did you say five fifty in the first time?

Because then it tricks me Ed, then it tricks me Ed. Tricks me, Ed, because then it in there waiting to be sorted. I got called in. They sat me on a bed and took all me details down. Five minutes later I'd been knocked out. I got woke up when they were ripping a pipe out of my throat. I felt more rough this time. The doctor came to see me and said he couldn't find a stone so I must have passed it. I said, are you sure? He an hour while they found me a bed. One of the fellows who were sat in the room with me this morning got wheeled in. They couldn't wake him up. All the nurses were laughing because he didn't want to wake up. I bet they were laughing at me when I was in the the theater. Someone told me they totally strip you when they're operating. I would have like like like like like like like like like the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I have have have have have the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their. I their. I their. I th their. I would have their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I was th th th th th th th theean. thean. thean. thean. th thean. thean. toooooooo th thean. thean. thean. thean. if it weren't for the fact that you said Boswell. It's the Roswell incident.

Didn't sleep much through the night because there was a 60-year-old fellow shouting at the nearest about his pillows. I don't think I slept through a full hour with one thing or another going on. My bed was next to the to the toilet so I kept hearing the flush. How do they sleep in hospitals though? They wake you up to give you fucking sleeping pills and things, don't they? How do you sleep in there? It's always like 90 degrees? There's no air. There's always like, it's always like, it's that to make you drink water? I don't know what it is. There's no air. There's an old fellow he you he he he he he he he he he he he he he the he the th f th f th f th f th f th f th f thin thin thin thin thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' th thin' thi thin' thin' thi' thi' thi' they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they they they they're they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's th f th f th f th f th f thin' thin' thin' thin' thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi to' to' to' to' to' thi' thi' thi' thi' thi' thi' was just of that age where he didn't care. Just like that's what I do him in a hospital, leave me alone. What do you mean? Just I don't know what was wrong with him. He's uh, I talked to him because at first I felt sorry for him. I was a little bit like, you know, he's had no visitors. No one's calling him up so I'll talking to him but then he got that familiar with me that he'd just be doing it whilst I'm chatting to him. Just like he's my granddad or something, it's just like, oh that's what he does. It's like,

well I'm ill as well. Stop doing that. Honestly unbelievable. He didn't even try and cover it with a cough. It was just like that's... How would you cover it with a cough? Just non-stop. Just non-stop. Got My pains are coming back, but the doctor said this would happen that me inside are still in shock so I need to take it easy. It's nine o'clock. I'm in agony. I can't do the diary for the rest of the day. Jesus. So you may just tell us what happened. in. Suzanne just got frustrated with me because I was rolling about on the floor and she was

trying to watch Arthur. So that was on the other night. I think it was when you're in pain do something. She said, you know, you wouldn't got a cold plate. Yeah. No, use an ash dry. Plates are for liver damage. She said, right, come on. Let's actually, I can't put up with this, it was like 2 o'clock in the morning. So we left the flat and what have you. Got in a taxi, he filled up on the way, which was annoying. He did it. He did it. That was really, I mean, he could see it.

the hospital. So, uh, he was not an ambulance driver. Did you know, I was in that, really, really, really, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to, to. to. to. to. to. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He's, t to. He's, to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. t t t t t t t t you were going to. I was in that sort of thing where you just can't be bothered, do you know what I mean? It was in a sweat and stuff. He came back with a scratch card and some barbecue briquettes you. So anyway he gets us there and he doesn't charge us which is pretty decent of it. That's all right yeah. So I go in and he's like I don't know if you've been in like A&E at like a lot of in the morning. It's just depressing. Fluorescent light doesn't help because it makes everyone look iller than they actually are. So in there there was a woman who was just sat there crying. She wasn't holding onto any part of the body, she was just sat there winging. And when you're feeling bad, you've got that going on.

So you just want to tell her to shut up. There was a fella who was like like like, it, it, it, it, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thu, thu, thu, thu, the thu, the the thu, there, the thu-in, there, there, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in there, in, in there, in there, in, in there, in there, in there there there, in there there there there there there there there there there the there the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the there, there, there, there there there, there, in wheelchair, that's someone I just chucked in. Moped over? It looked like somebody had just sort of found him and wheeled him in. Nurse? Who's the guy moped over? So this gay fellow came through. How do you know he was gay? How's he was just the way he was, I'm not having a go, he was a good fellow, do you? Do you? I mean, he? He he? He he? He he? He he? He he? He he? He he? He he? He he? He he? He he? He he? He he? He he? He he? He the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. He was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he. He was, he. He. He. He. He? He. He. He. He? He. He? He. He? He? He. He? He. He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was a. He was a th. He was a th. He was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was,? No, he was like a nurse. Right. And he came through and just sort of went, oh, how are you? And I was like, I've had better days.

So he got the other... As you mentioned the diary, I remember the first time when I came here, they said the nurse might put a tablet out of me arse, I thought the chances of that happening had, their just, their, their, tho, tho, I, their, I, I, and, oh, and, oh, I, and, I, I, and, and, I, I, and, I, and I, and I, oh, I, oh, oh, oh, and I, and I, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, and I was, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, oh, oh, oh, and, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, the, oh, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, they. And, they. Oh, they. they. th. the the tho. tho. the tho. the to. the. the. the. the. the. that sort of out of it that of it that... Of course you'd let him do it, he's a qualified nurse. No but the way I am now, say it was just a tablet for sorting out my blood pressure and I walked in there and he went oh hello and he said yeah let's pop that I'd go hang on a minute but what I mean is that night I would just goes let him get on with it and you trust anyone don't you when you're in that much pain and you need a- And they're a qualified nurse, yes.

They gave me some morphine and we sort of had caved in again like last time and then the pain went but anyway just turns out that I'd had a load of like blood clots in the bit from my kidney to my ladder and that was acting as a sort of a sort of a sort of a sort of a sort of a sort of a sort of a sort of a sort of a sort of a sort of a sort of a sort of a sort of a sort of a sort of a load of like blood clots in the bit from my kidney to my ladder and that was acting as a sort of a stone again. It's just a scave isn't it where it's curing it? No but all the work, when they blew up the kidney, they blew up the kidney four times it's normal size so there was no eyed in place for the stone. So when they did that, it caused a lot of blood it was, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it was, it was just, it, it, to just, to just, it was just, it was just, it was. It's just, it's just. It's, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it. So. So. So. It. It. It. It. It's, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it. It. It. It. It. It's, it, it, it. It's, it. It's just. It's just, it's just, it's just, to. It's just, just, a. It's just just. It's just a. It's just just a just. It's just a. It's just just a. It's just, it's just a. It's just, it's just. It's just,that blood was in the kidney and it went down the pipe and blocked it up a little bit. And that's the pain that I had. It was sort of, had problems getting through all this thick blood that they caused. So, uh, the weirdest thing that happened when

I was in there, right? The morning, like, after I'd had the morphine and what have you. the mowl-a. Right. I I I I I I I had the the the the the mare. I had the mord. I had the mord. I had the morde. I had their their their their their their their their their their their their. It was had their their their. It was their. It was sort their their their, it was sort had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had the m. I had had had the m. I had the m. I had the m. I had the m. I had the m. I had the m. I had the m. I had the m. I had the m. I had the m. I had the m. I had the m. I had the m. I had the m. The m. The m. The mothe. The m. The m. I had the mothe. I had the m. I had the m. I had the m. I had the m. I had well, but I woke up and you have like a telly for your own bed that you're allowed to use if you pay for it. So the glow from that woke me up because they come on at about 10 past 7 and the tele is in front of your head. So you're getting this glow and you're going, oh, what's that now? And I looked at it and all I had written on it is Carl received bad news about your father. Right? And I was like, is this what they do now?

Because it's such a big hospital that they just text your sort of news to your bed. And I was kind of like, like I say, it was early, it was 10 past 7 or whatever. What's going on? I didn't have my mobile, Suanne took that, and I was looking at it. I read it again, I thought, it might come up with more like what's up with him. Turns out it was just a review for neighbours. It just tells you... It just tells you what's on the tele, that day. And up with it. I had a bit of a shock then. It was kind of like, so I was wide awake at like quarter past seven in the morning because my art went a bit fast because I thought something had happened to my dad.

Carl of course has written a poem about the experience entitled My Ward. All I've done I've been through a, you know, I don't know what the word is, a bad experience. A trauma. A, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've th. I've thr-I, I've thr-a, I've thr-a, I've th. I've thr-a, I've their, I've their, I've their, I've, I've their, I've their, I've their, I've their, I've their, I've their, I've their, I've their, I've their, I've their, I've their, I've their, I've their, I've their, I've their, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm their, I'm their, I'm their, I'm their, I'm their, I'm the their, the th.a' their, their, their, the their, their, their, I'm their, I'm a their, I'm a their what the word is, a bad experience. Trauma. A trauma, yeah I've been through a load of trauma. So I'm just finishing it off with a little sort of picture for people. Go on then. In my ward. It's called me ward. Me, a Chinese fellow and an old bloke who looked like Mr Burns from the Simpsons. Don't know what was wrong with him but breaking wind was the symptoms. No one visited in or called him. He seemed quite lost to me. As well as wind problems, he had a colostomy. When I left, I said, see you to the old man. Turned out the other fellow wasn't Chinese.

He was from Japan. I never found out what was up with him. You've got a little picture there, haven't you? I've sat there with that fellow who didn't talk to, the old fellow who had wind problems. And that's what a poem is, isn't it? But the detail about who's Chinese and he turned out to be Japanese, how is that evocative? That's just a piece of misinformation. I like it. I like it. It's like the the the the the the the th. It's like, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. th. You. th. You. You. You. You. You. You, th. You, th. You, th. You, th. You, th. You, th. You's th. You've tho, tho, tho. thoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. You've thoo. I like it's like he even makes digressions within his poem. Yeah. Do you

know I mean? It's like he could have gone back and erased that but he didn't. He left he left that digression in and I think that's that's great. It's pretty honest. Yeah so you know you've done quite a few bits there from the diary, right? The other week you were saying a diary to sort of be famous and what have you, it's got to have a big event in it. That's a big event in my life, right? Peeps did a diary that had big events in it. You said about the fire on Pudding Lane.

I've had a kidney stone here. You write about puddings you've had. So is that now, is that as big as, is that a proper diary thing? It's a proper diary anyway? I think personally the five or six pages you've written about your ill health are genuinely interesting and I'm sure in years to come people, it will be an interesting evocation of the NHS at this modern age and how it is what it's like to be in hospital. What are the diaries out there? Well a lot of them are fictional of course Bridget Jones and the like. There are lots of memoirs but to publish a whole diary I mean you can get... The two most famous diaries I'd have thought was

Peeps and Anne Frank. Yeah Kenneth Williams' diaries were published after his death. Many celebrity diaries have been published, Alec Guinness, people like that. And is that just their last year, or did they do it when they were doing a lot? Because if they're old and sort of not working well, a diary doesn't, isn't that good? Well, often the moments, you know, prior to the most interesting. You see their final thoughts and final days. Yeah, but I did just, you say different things when you're real. When I was on that table about to go under and you're thinking this might be it, different thoughts on the world. Do you know what I mean? Different priorities. It's the most profound thing that you thought that you know it was because of your illness. Just as I went under, the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last th. The last th. The last th. The last th. The last th. The last th. The last th. The last thi. The last thi. The last thi. The last thi. It's about thi. It's about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about th. th. th. th. th. The last th. The last th. The last th. The last th. The last th. The last th. The last th. The last th. The last th. The last th. The last th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's thi. It's the last thing thing thing thing thing thing thing thing thing thing thing thing thing the last the last th. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's about thi thing I said to this woman was, oh you look different with hat on. And oh you look different with a hat on. Yeah, it was a woman who gave me the injection and she'd been round to the bed before and sort

of saying right, you're allergic to this, can you eat strawberries and I was a bit like, why why are you asking me that? And she went, well, no, you're the thou........... thin. thin. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thee. thee. thee. thee. thee. thee. thee. thee. thee. the the the the, th the the th the. the. the. the tho, it was, it was, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, thooooooooooooooooooo. Oh, the. Oh, thoooooooo. Oh, the. Oh, it was. Oh, it was. Oh, it was saying but is the any trace of strawberries in the stuff and he's like no it's just that a lot of people are I said well no I eat them and then she's like what about fish and I said I like some I'm had them all and and then she turned to Susanne at that point and said what do you know of anything he can't eat she said like like to the mother yeah when I'm to the mother yeah when the the child the child the child the child the child the child the child the child the child the child the child the child the child the child the child the child the child the child the child the child the child the child the child the child the child the child the child the child the child the the the the the child the child the child the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tie tie tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttry the the the the the the the the the tt And but she was this woman and she didn't have a hat on or anything. And then when I went down there, I didn't realize it was the same woman until I was lying there and she started to inject me. And I just said, oh, you looked different with that one. And then I went out. And when I woke up, the woman sort of came around and just sort of said, oh, it's weird. That was the last thing like you said and that made me think that could have been my last you know like fight them on the beaches or whatever that could have been my little thing.

You look different with a hat on Kyle Pilkington. Oh God! In his own way it's quite wise people do thiats on. I think his last words would be something like can this kill you? Yeah. Suzanne, can you drink bleach? So that's it. That's the end of this series, the third series of the Rickage of A Show. Um, we have to give it a rest for a while, won't we? I'm exhausted. Thank you, everyone who bought the series, all 24 episodes we've ever done, are available on iTunes. So, yeah, if you haven't heard them, maybe we should do a free one now and again, over the coming years. Should we retire from podcasting and audio books?

We've made our point, haven't we? I think we've made the point, yeah, I mean, you'd always leave them wanting more. And let's be honest, we passed that long ago. So we may as well stop now as good a time as any. So for, let's never say never say never, but for quite a while, it's goodbye from me, Ricky Javais, Steve Merchant. Goodbye. And Carl Pilkington.

All right. Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news! You little browneddy. Right, years ago, people only drank water, didn't they? How long ago were we talking? Uh, going back a bit. Okay. And it was just the norm. Everybody was happy with that. It was kind of like, you know, what you're thirsty, you have some water. It was just what you did. And it was more of... Well, no, not only water. No, it was. It was kind of like...

No, they drank milk at birth, didn't they? Yeah, as a baby. But then you don't, you don't have as we've discussed is more of everything. So... You thought there was fruit juices in... Yeah, but what... I mean when people were thirsty, it was like, well, I've water, they didn't go, do you want, do you want that? I'm just saying that for a purpose as opposed to something on the, for the taste buds. Yeah.

So anyway, so this town, right, it was in the middle of nowhere somewhere. It's the detail that makes the story, isn't it? The pinpoint accuracy of, so it was a while ago and it was in a town somewhere. Brilliant. In the middle of nowhere. And what used to happen is, barrels used to appear, right? These sort of, do you know like how they have wooden barrels, that beer and that comes in. One of those used to just be in this village and everyone who lived there was used to this sort of drink that used to crop up, right? Well because they were used to it, they didn't question it, it was kind of like yeah it's what happens if you live here. Sorry, so I don't understand so what's in the barrel? It's a barrel. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thee. the. theee. theeea thea the theeeea the the the the the the the the the the? It's a barrel in the town square. Well it's this drink. And so it's not water. It's not water. It's a mysterious other drink. Well, I'll tell you now, it's like a fruit drink. Okay. And back then, I speak to my mom and she didn't have a banana till she met

me dad and were made up of bananas. I said some flowers. No, but what I'm saying is it was like a fruit drink and for years and years people didn't drink fruit. It was an eaten thing. Do you know what I mean? It was an eaten thing? It was eaten? It was eaten? Yeah, it was you're thirsty of some water. What? You're hungry? You're hungry? I have a banana? Sure. the idea of combining the two. thrown. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their their th. It's thrue. It was like the the the the the the the the the the fruit, the fruit, the fruit, the fruit, the fruit, the fruit, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was, th. It was, th. It was, th. It was, th. It was, th. It was like, thru. It was like, their their their th. It was like, the the the the the the the the the the the the thru. the thru. It was like, thru. It was like, thr of combining the two crazy. They never used them in that way so anyway. So a mysterious fruit-based drink is turning up mysteriously in this town for years no one questions it, no one think. They just put in that area I'm sure like in the same way that in Scotland they'll have fried Mars bars and that. Yeah, they don't bat an eyelid yet. Yeah when we go there, well they don't they didn't appear mysterious They didn't just appear No, I assume they go to the news agents then take it home and pop it in some batter Yeah, but what I'm saying is they don't think anything's odd about that

But as time goes on people have started traveling more, they're all they? And uh, visitors sort of came to the town And they were they were to they were to they were to they were to they were they were they were to they were they were they were they were to they were they were they were their they were they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they their. they they they they they they they they they they they they. they they they. they they they. they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're thi. I they're they're they're thi they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they they're they they're they they they they they they they they they they they and they were saying I'm a bit thirsty if you got any water and they were like don't have water have some of that in that barrel and they were like what's that they were like a drink so they had it and it was really like refreshing they were like what is this and they said don't really know it just crops up it's not of course they did it's what it's what sell this? And no, they don't just sell it, we don't even know where it comes from. Just have some whilst you're here. You don't even know where it comes from. So the thing is, this helped the town out. That's before the monkey appears, this shit. Yeah.

So all these people are enjoying the drink. Word gets out. And it went on for the the the the the the their their their their their their. It went on for. It went on for. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho. thi. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It's th. It's th. It's thi. It's to. It's tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooovels fast. So news travels fast? Yeah just news, yeah news does. So um anyway so some fucking monkey news doesn't this is taking half an hour. So some big business fella who was on buddy in any specifics he was from Chicago right? And he flew. How he? Ho tall was he? Hold on though, so this is after Chicago was founded. Oh yeah, Chicago was knocking about. Oh, they had loads of drinks then. Alcoholic. No, coffee tinnin.

I had every drink under the sun. Yeah, but not like. their drink under the sun. Not like apple juice, great juice, ciders, wines. Every, just, yeah. So he came in. Chicago was founded. He came in 19th century. Oh, there's loads of shit about. And he was saying this drink you've got here.

He said it's good stuff, you know. He said, who's it? And they said, well, it just appears and what have you. And they said, well, that's a bit odd. So anyway, he got a bit annoyedhipped annoyed. He annoyed. He annoyed. He thired. He got annoyed. He. He got annoyed. He. He. He got annoyed. He. He. He got annoyed. He. He got a bit. He. He. He. He got a bit. He. He. He got a bit. He. He. He got a bit. He. He. He. He got a the the the the th. He. He got a the the their. He got. He was. He got. He got. He got. He got. He got. He got. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He got. He was. He got. He was. He got. He got a the the the the the th. He was. He was. He was. He was. He got. He got. He was was. He got. He got. He got. He got. He got. He got. He got. He got a the the the the the the the the to take it back with him to Chicago. He knew there was an audience for this. Well yeah, because they got bored of tea, coffee, all the other drinks and weather drinks and that. So he waited at night, I've been around for years. A truck. A truck? A truck? A truck? So we were in a motorized age. Also, so at least 1890, something I thought this little fellow, and he sawed th is th is the little, so the little, so the little, so was was was was was was was the little, so theell in the dark and they were quite far away and the barrels you know it's not mean it's hard to work out. He was short his arms were long. So they followed him in right and saw what was going on okay like how it was being made and

and they said you know what we can have a go up making this ourselves and what happened in the end they try to to to to the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. th. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It was th. It was thi. It was thi. It was thi. It was thi. It was th. It was th. It was th. It's th. It's their their their their their their. It was their. It was their. their. their. It was their. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was their th. It was th. It was th. It's th. It's try. It's try. It's try. It's try. It's try. It's try. It's try. It's try. It's try. It's try. up making this ourselves. And what happened in the end, they tried to imitate it in Chicago. There was an orangue tang, right? It was made by an orangutan wasn't it? And do you know, grapefruit juice. They had like, ape fruit juice, that, they were good at crushing the fruit and what have you? And that's how them too. So it was great, they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they was great, they they they they they they they they they they they they they were great great great great great, they were great great, they were great, they were great, they they were great, they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they they they, they they they they, they, they they they they they they're, they're, they're, they're they're they're they're they're they're th. th. the. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try, they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they crushing the fruit with the feet and what have you. And that's how them too. So it was great ape fruit drink, which probably got abbreviated over time. Ape fruit, and I ate fruit juice.

No, no, it was great ape fruit, it was because it tasted grey. That is a load of shit, Carl. That is why we stopped doing it.