The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Guardian S4E2 "The Podfather, Part II: Thanksgiving" (November 23, 2006)

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

Three free podcasts were announced that coincide with special days. The first was released on 31 October 2006, to coincide with Halloween, the next was on 23 November, coinciding with Thanksgiving, and the last was released on 24 December 2006, to coincide with Christmas.

The Ricky Jovey Show on Guardian Unlimited. Welcome to The Second in this series of three special free podcasts with The Guardian Unlimited. With me Ricky Javays, Stephen Merchant, hello and Carl Pilkington. All right. These are a special thank you to all the fans that bought the last few podcasts we've done. Still available on iTunes. You can't miss it. It's at number one in the charts. Carl, it's Thanksgiving. I don't know what that means. I don't know I'll be doing this. I'm slightly in agreement with you actually I don't celebrate Thanksgiving. Well no, but it's, you knowthe arbitrary dates are easy to remember some people. Halloween Thanksgiving Christmas easy to

remember. I don't think Thanksgiving is. Well it is in America and yeah but I have never I've never tell you I mean I've been around for 30 odd years I've never celebrated one of them I've never done any relation who is obviously popping around for Thanksgiving when is it? I've never done it because it's not because it's not celebrated in this so why I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I the the the the the th I th I th I've th I've th I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've never th. I've th. I've never th. I've never th. I've never th. I've never th. I've never th. I've never th. I've never th. I've never th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've the. I've the. I've thean. I've thean. I've thean. I've thean. I've thean. I've th. I've never done it. Because it's not celebrated in this country. Why are we celebrating it? We're not celebrating it, it's an arbitrary date to do a podcast. I just don't know what it's about. I mean, before you celebrate something. You don't celebrate Halloween, do you? But we did that. No, it annoys me out. People don't actually know what the occasion is, but they celebrate it. Kids Kids. Kids. Kids. Kids. Kids. Kids. Kids. Kids. Kids. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. We're not. their. their. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It's. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. It's not. It's not the the th. It's not the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their the some toys. That's what I mean so Thanksgiving it's just another one in it it's another event. Okay why do you celebrate Christmas then? Because everyone else does you can't get away from it? I'd quite happily block it out. If I did a new diary I'd leave out that date and go come on let's let's do something

good. Well you've got an holiday every two weeks what you've that to celebrate? No I'm just saying. People need a little break though, they, you know, it's a great, he doesn't. Christmas is a great time. Even if you take away the relitions, but the problem is what I don't like about it is everyone's off at the same time. So everything stops. See what I do is I'd say to people, do you like Christmas? Yeah, right? When do you want to celebrate. their their their their their to celebrate. to celebrate. to celebrate. to celebrate. to celebrate. to celebrate to celebrate to celebrate to celebrate? to celebrate. to celebrate to celebrate to celebrate to celebrate to celebrate their to celebrate? to celebrate to celebrate to celebrate? to celebrate to celebrate to celebrate their their their their their their their their their their their?? their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. I is. I is. I is. I is. I is. I's. I's their. I's their. I's their. I's their. I's their. I's to. I's to. I. I'm tape. I. I. I'm, tape. I. I. I'm, to. I'm. I'm to. I'm the the the their. I'm the matter when you're remembering him? But I'm an atheist and I celebrate Christmas because it's a time of year where everyone is off and everyone's getting together. Yeah, I know. I don't care what they call it. The fact that we're all doing at the same time is what's nice about it. There's a sense of community, national community. Everyone shuts down by December, their, throwne. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, that, that, that, their, their, their, their, their, their, I's, I's, I's, I's, their, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, their, their, their, their, their, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their..... I's, their. I's, their. I'm, I'm their. I'm their. I'm toge. I'm toge. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm their. I'm their. I'm tome. I'm thetill like January the 6th. But what is it you're missing out on during this period? Just there's like two weeks there.

I mean that bit between Christmas and New Year, you might as well delete that out the calendar. Yeah, because nothing up to be you can't pop down the library because it's closed. Not all that reading you've much time as you. If you're not an honoday you're following an insect around the fucking park. So don't give me that shit. I'm just saying that. I don't like fun. I don't like fun. I don't like fun.

You do not like fun. Ha ha ha ha! Never a that thing. I've said it a bit before about, you know, it's that date, that's what you've got to do. Will they come a time when someone goes, we've done enough of this? Will they come a time and Thanksgiving? Possibly? Yeah, possibly, yeah, things change, don't they? And you'll be happy then, will you? And, thape in, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thu? thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th.... th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. that, that's, that's, that's, toa. that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, thi. that's, thi. thi't they? And you'll be happy then will you? In 5,000 years time when we all worshiped glong. Yeah we just make a change.

That's all I want because you know I've been keeping a diary. Yeah. What is you having the calf yesterday for example? We can read about that later. It's just like Ricky said oh are you gonna do you know another one next year and I wouldn't because it's you know you do the same stuff every year don't you? It's set up the same way January, February it's the same thing it's the same routine and if you're writing it... Why are they always doing them in the same order those months? It's sickens me Rick. Oh you see it's just easy to put stuff off whilst we've got this calendar whereas if you didn't have a date you'd have to do everything straight away. What? Say if I

was in charge. Oh God, let's forbid, yeah. Someone said that building is knocking down. Yeah. It's dangerous. If we didn't have a calendar you go, hmm, let's do it now then. Whereas because we've got a calendar it it's easier to say, next Wednesday. I love him. I love him. I love him. His theories are amazing. I mean, I don't know.

Maybe he is a real visionary thinker. Maybe he is free. You know what I like about all his thoughts. They're about freedom of expression in a strange way. He he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he is he is he is he is he is he is he is he is he is th. tho is tho is tho is thi. thi. thi. thoes. thoes. thoes. thoes. thi. thi. to to to to to to to tho. tho. thoes. tho. tho. I'm tho. I'm. I'm tho. I'm. I'm. I tho. I's is, I's is, I's. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I is. I. I is. I's. thi. I's. thi. I'm. thi. thi. tho. thooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooe. I t t t thoe freedom of expression in a strange way he's not burdened by anything he just goes well why do we think like that he questions everything like a true visionary scientist but who gets a diary come Christmas time which I know you hate you know for the next year and thinks you've what a piece of shit now now got put some in the stuff what I'm gonna do stuff wets nex I'm gonna to take out next Wednesday. There's no such thing as next Wednesday. But what I'm saying is, before the years even started, I know in that new diary I can whizz

forward to December 25th and I go, another Christmas. I don't know what you mean. So everything's set in stone before I've even started the new year, it's like, oh, pancake Tuesday that's coming up. So someone's already decided. Someone's already telling me what I'm doing on half of the year. But all those pages of blank car for you to fill up with stuff. Oh guess what? Guess what? Guess what the birthday is again?

23rd of September. I'm just saying, move them about a bit, move the days about a bit so it doesn't get predictable. But when we change pancake to Thursday to a Thursday, do we tell, their, their, their, their, th Thursday. Do we tell anyone else? Yeah they do an advert on the tele, just saying don't forget to buy your pancake mix. But so why, why not just stick with what we've already got? Because if you know it's why everyone anyway. I wouldn't put a date on that pancake day anyway. Just have them when you want. Have them when you want. There's no big deal. You've got to make them yourself. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their their their their their their their their their their. their their their their their their their their their their their. I'll to just, to just to just to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. I tape. I'll tape. I'll tape. I'll today. I'll try. I'll try. I'll try. I'll try. I'll try. I'll try. I'll their. I'll the like some places opening to do it. Have them when you want. I don't know why that's got a special day on it. Sick of it. Yeah.

Happy Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is based on new settlers to a new land surviving. And I was talking to Carl in the week. We were talking about new settlers and everything. And I was thinking, imagine if you had to start a new to to to start a a a to start a to start a to start a to start a new to start a new to start a new to start a new to start a new to start a new to start a new to start a new to start a new to start a new to start a new to start a new to start a new to start a new to start a new to a new to a new to a new to a new to a new to a new to a new to a new that's that's to a new to a new to a new to a new to a new to a new to a new to a new to a new to a new to a new to a new to a new to a new to a new to a new to a new to a new to to to to to start a new to start a new to start a newthe week, we were talking about new settlers and everything, and I was thinking, imagine if you had to start a new settlement now, okay, there was something wrong with the world, okay, the world was kaput, okay, and we found another planet. So Carl, if you had to go to a new planet, don't worry about starting life again. They've got sort of like these breeder clones that adore that, but you can choose six people from this world to take to start this whole new world, okay? So you need, you know, as I say, you

don't need to worry about... So what's happening there? Is this... It's gonna be wiped out, okay? It's gonna be wiped out, but there's enough on this spaceship for you and five other people. Okay, and they've got them there, they've got these sort of breeder clones there, so it's going to be populated, you're going to have the workers, the drones, everything like that, but you want to take six, I suppose, world lords to the to the to the teachings, the laws, the government. Okay. I hate it. And how long have I got to make a decision on it?

To the end of this podcast. Right, go. Who do you take? Who's the first person you take and why? Uh, and where are we going? And where are we going? Where we going with Mars? Okay, so I plan it where there's an atmosphere. I've got to know where I'm going because I've got to sell it to the people who I'm asking.

There's no point when you go, you're coming with me, where you're going? I don't know. It's just like this world. There's oxygen, there's seas, there's rivers, to lord over this new kingdom. You want the best people for the job. Yeah. So who's the first person? Probably Patrick Moore. Why would you take Patrick Moore?

Just because he knows his way up there, he'll know the way. So just have him. I think that will, whoever a pick next, if they see that he's going, they'll go right, you know, it's going to be a long journey as it is. You don't want someone who's going to be going, is it left here? Is it right? Do you know what I mean? And he to the planet. No, I always wanted to meet him as well. I've always wanted a chat and that would be a good chance when I'm in a rocket. How long is it taking to get to Mars? I don't know, a year.

That's what I mean. That's not the tip. It's not, it's a good chance, it's a good, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I, I, t. It, to, I, I, to, to, I, to, to, to, to, and, and, I, I, and, I, I, and, I, and, and, and, t, and, and, and, t, and, t, t, t, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. It, I. It, I. It, I. It, I. It, I. It, I. It, I. It's, I. It's, t. It's, t. t. t. t. t. t. t. to. to. to. to. to. the. to. the. tha. tha. tha. tha, as well, to be honest. I think, you know. Why do you think that? Just because he's spent his whole life talking about what's going on up there, isn't it? And yet he's never been. And I feel sorry for him. You know, most people when they're into something, they get to go to a place, don't they? Sure. He's an 80 year old astronomer. Yeah, that's what I mean, so let him have a bit of a good life.

So Moore's on board? Yeah, Patrick Moore. He's on. Right, out five others. Four others now. Uh, Jamie Oliver. Why would you take Jamie Oliver? Just food and that? You just sort of you need someone, because they say that like you

can feel down if you don't eat. He couldn't convince eight year olds to eat a carrot. What's he going to do in this brave new world? They're all going to be on Turkey Twizzlers. I think he's got the right attitude. He wouldn't be faffing about. Remember we've landed now on this new world. I don't know what it's like. The people who've made you go. Listen, I love Jamie Oliver. I think he's great. But he wouldn't be in my five people to start a new world. That's all I'm saying. Nor would Patrick Mork is in you the way. Well, what chef would you pick? I wouldn't's nothing better. If you're a bit fed up, there's nothing better than having a good... But Carl, I don't think you quite grasp that these people have to start civilization again. They have to be wise, wise people who can make

the laws. And before you do all that, you need a good meal. So Jamie Oliver, that's his job. It's like when we get there, that's like when we get there, it there, it there, it there, it there, it there, it their their, it their, it their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. th. to be, th. thi, thi, thi, that, to be, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, th, th, th, th. th. th, th, th. th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. And, th. But, th. But, th. th. But, th. thi, thi. thi. too. toda. to, thi. to, thi. thi. thi. thi. But, thi. But, thi. But, thi. But, th like when we get there, that's when he kicks in. Right, right. He's the first one really, let's suggest, just to save two places on Patrick Moore, Jamie Oliver, take a map and a cookbook. Okay who's number three? What sort of state is this world in? Does it need... It's going to take a fucking gardener. It's like the... it's... It's the world but new. It's the... exactly. It's the world but new, untouched by humans. There's been no fossil fuels burnt, no machinery, no wars.

Just this Garden of Eden. And you, Patrick Moore and Jamie Oliver pitch up. Plus, who else, Carl go now for his thought? Attenborough. Again he's a genius and he's a bit of a hero of mine but I don't know if we need Attenborough. Just because I reckon if it's a new world you're saying it's the same but they always say don't they that, all worlds are different. So I'd want in there just to sort of, when we're roaming around, because we'll all stick

together for a bit, won't we? When we're roaming around... Then I'll be sick of the sight of you. Let's lose Carl. But you've got two men so far who've got a combined ageage about 150. I mean if you're starting a brave new world they're dare I say it not going to be around very long. Shouldn't you be taking some younger fresher blood? No not really because they haven't lived, having these have lived and they'll they can so and they're useful like I say Patrick Moore's done his bit he's got us there.

Oliver is cupped as a dinner. I don't think you're their their their their their th. th. Patrick th. Patrick th. I th. I th you're thin thin thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' th. I'm th. I'm thin' thin' thin' th. I'll they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're th. I'll they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they's they's they's they's they's they're they're they're they're they're they're they're thin' thin' thin' thin' thin'. I'll thin. I'll the. I'll that. I'll the. I'll thea. I'll thoo. I'll the. I'll the. I'll the. I'll the. I reckon we'd end that on day one there. We'd have a dinner, we'd all have a chat. I don't think you're thinking of the future. I think you're thinking of the journey and then the first night. Okay, okay. So you've got David's at umbrat, you've got Patrick Morton, you've got Patrick Martin, you've got two other places. I get the feeling that you're not so much recruiting people for a new world as I'm a celebrity get me out of you. As a dinner party with people you'd like to meet that you've seen on the tele. Oh, come on two more.

I'd text someone who's a bit daft. No, you don't need to, Carl. That's covered, believe us. No, that's what I mean though. I don't want them having to go at me going, why are you here? I'd put up point the attention somewhere else to text someone else who'd sort of wind them up. Who's that then? Paul Denonam?

Paul Dan-I. I. I. So you've got Patrick Moore, you've got David Amber, you've got Jamie that Amber, you've got Jamie Ove and Porter. A crazy world! They're starting life again. Okay then, brilliant. Oh God. Right, one more. This is an amazing.

This is going to be, I'd love to go back and visit this in a thousand years. What teachings they laid down. Oh God. I don't know. It has to be a woman, I think. You've got a woman in that little group, aren't you? He's got to have another woman chef or... I don't know. He's mainly eating. He's got that covered with Oliver, but no, now he's got to take Nigel in case he's in a cream cake kind of move. Oh God, Delia Smith was furious. She packed her bags and everything. Or a nurse?

Now you're thinking. Abby tipmas? Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha! Carl I know you like to be kept abreast of all the latest breaking science news. Did you read recently about the blind mice that they have been able to make see again? And hopefully whatever they did which allowed these mice to see again. They're hoping to be able to do with humans in maybe about 10 years time or at least begin tests in 10 years time or at least begin tests in the

10 years time which is pretty impressive isn't it? How many are these mice they experiment on? Three probably? Right. They weren't, hmm, it wasn't taking place in the farmhouse was it at all? I didn't read the intricacies of the story. Did they have tales? Did they... Yeah. I don't know. I'm not sure. What's your concern?

Well, I think I know what happened there. Really? Yeah, I think the farmer's wife probably got annoyed at them running after her. Right. But how could they run after her? I don't know. I think I used a sense of smell and hearing they her clogs and they followed the sound of the big fat clogs. But you know they got their comuppance, they lost their tales.

So now they're blind with no tales. Is that not the story? I don't, I think you're confused. Okay. I have another more recent story with that one. Okay. Well we'll leave though that extraordinary isn't it to be able to I mean to be able to cure blindness would be a remarkable achievement in science it is but it's just that thing how they say they've done it on mice and what have you yeah yeah if I was blind and I went in for the meeting the doctor yeah and they said do you want yours doing thi to their and then they said like they've done it on mice they've done it thi. and their enough for me. I'd say, look, when the blind fella gets in, don't say we've done it on mice, just say

we've done this on eyes. If he goes, what eyes, just say just a pair of eyes. As soon as you say mouse's eyes, it's like, well, it's not the same. And it sort of, it would make me go, I'll leave it. Yeah. And then you wake you you you you you you you you've got very tiny eyes right in the... You've put in my eyes! I'm scared of cats! He's just eyes. I think I just don't like having my eyes mess with and even if it was blind, I just, I wouldn't like it. Right.

Uh, and I think mine are more active than most, my eyes. What's it mean? Well I went for a Watson I'm Steve you don't know I've had problems with my legs. Oh Christ Almighty. He's the same, what are you, 33? He's a hypochondroach. Honestly the slightest thing he's got time off work for this. He went to the dentist three times in one week he goes no his legs rubbed two times a week for some reason in and out of the kidney hospital and they're going there's no kidney stone Mr Pilpton he's going all right Christ Almighty do some fucking work no the thing is I've been in the last like 30 odd years I've been working hard and I've

let my body get run down a bit how would you like your 30 what are you 30 what you thirty three 33, sorry I'm out of staff with such a hard question. But how have you been working for 30 years? Well, I just have, I sort of, I got on with it. At 3, at 3. Well, you didn't go on with anything at school, did you? We were just titching about. Yeah, the first job you got. How old were you? I was 15. Right,

okay, so you've been working for 15 years then, okay, good, right. Yeah, but I had my paper around when I was 10, isn't it? And that was hard graft. That's why I bawled in that, getting up at R4. All adds up, all adds up. So anyway, uh, when I kicked me height. When I kicked me height, when I was a kid, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, thin, th. Yeah, the thin, th. th. Yeah, th th the thi. But, th th th like it's a classic story that everyone should know. And also the phrase kicking my own height. Yeah. Explain what you mean? Just kick me height when I was, when I was kid. No one understands. You kicked your leg up to the height that you were at that time. Yeah. So if you were, so you're a four and a half foot and you've put your toe up into the air four and half feet by kicking? Yeah, but I landed on me back.

Right, okay. Imagine seeing that in the playground. They go, get Carl Pilking to kick his eye. I bet he falls over like a fucking penguin. It wasn't in the playground. My dad got me to do it in the garden. Brilliant. Why did you follow it? the ticket. the the the ne ne net. the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin. I th. th. th. th. th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I th. I. I th. I th. I ta. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. ta. tod. ta. ta. toda. ta. toda. t height. I mean my leg got eye up but I was that chuff that I got that high I didn't think of putting my leg down again. It's the one to look like what the fuck? He's got to think it all through. I thought it was automatic. It stayed there. You sort of stayed balanced. Christ Almighty! But you didn't think, well I'm loving this, this is brilliant, but what should I do now? I got my leg off, I'll just keep it up. What? It looked like a Hitler salute with his leg! What were you doing? So anyway, I landed on me back and I did some damage, I think. And it's because of that,

you sure you didn't land on your head? And it's because of that, like, all the all them years the years, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, all, all the, all their, all their, all their, all their, all their, all their, all their, all their, all their, all their, all, all, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, their. I. the, like, like, like, like, like all them years and what have you, I've had like a trap nerve in my leg. So I thought right now's the time to have it done because when you get older, I mean it was the kidney stone thing once you've seen, once you've sort of looked at you know death and what have you, it just makes you think got to start looking after the body. Do you think you could die of the slightly bad leg that you've had for 15 years. Do you think that I'll eventually kill you? Well, well it could do if I can't run away from danger quick enough. Right. Again, you're thinking of Jurassic Park coming true. Whatever though, I'm just saying, you've got to look after yourself. You know, if you're always hot.

You've got a problem, get it sorted. I tell you what though, if you have to fight to fight to fight to fight to fight, if you're, if you're, if you're, if you're, to fight, to fight, to fight, to fight, to fight, to fight, to fight, to fight, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, if down immediately after. So anyway, so I went to see this fella to like a professional leg rubber. Professional leg rubber. Yeah. And he's, he sort of said a few things that were quite interesting. Remember that time when we had a chat on the last lot of like podcasts, I said, am I in charge of my brain or is my brain in charge of me? Yeah, do you remember what I said?

That's the most stupid thing you've ever said? Yeah, well, we'll listen to this then. So I go and see this leg rubber. Professional leg rubber, right? And he is professional. Yeah. Right. Remember, leg rubber.

You have to doctor at any point in this conversation. from a man who is self-confessed professionally leg-rubbing. Not just leg, but he do left-down right? Back rubbing as well, he does it all. So I'm in there and I didn't mention about how I thought my brain was, you know, was in charge of me and stuff. I'm lying there, he's bending me about and what have you? The first problem he came across is that my nerves aren't long enough for your body. I don't know. He was lifting my legs up and I was going right, whoa stop that a minute, that's hurting that. That's what do you mean? He said I've only got him like, like just about... Well that's your tendons. Well that's your tendon's like just about... Well, that's your tendon's like, that's your tendon's like, the nerves are in your legs as well. It's your nerves, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, that, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that, that, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that, that's that's that, that, that's that, retched. I'm just telling you what he said. So he lifted the leg up and I went right, stop doing that. Was this another laundret?

this surgery? No it's a proper place. He had like towels and all that on the Oh okay yeah. Oh okay yeah so um definitely a laundry so so I'm lying there and he lifts the leg up so I'm like oh that thou's towards the the people's the people's the people's the people's the people's the people's the people's the people's he he's he's he's he's he's he's he's their their th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th th thoes thoes thoes thoes tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- tho-it th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th this this this this this this this this this this th th th this th th this th th th th th th th th the the the the the theeat-s tho-s tho-s tho-s tho-s tho-s tho-s tho-s tho-s this surgery this surgery tho heavy for the dryer. So I'm lying there and he lifts the leg up and I'm like oh that hurts a lot so he said oh yeah short nerves and I said what do you mean he said you know you're outside of the body is longer than your inside right he doesn't sound like a doctor he does not sound like a doctor yeah yeah it's like 40% yeah he had me lying on my front and what have you and he was sort of crushing me back. Right. And he was going to that hurts, yeah, it was like 48 quid this as well. Putting me through all this pain and what have you.

Well he got some good advice then. He said you're pretty stressed and I said, you know, I've quite a bit of stress in my life. And I explained to him about the kidney stones and that and I explained. And I they they they's where you probably got a lot of tenseness. A lot of tenseness? Is that the phrase he used as a trained professional rubber? Is it a doctor? He's definitely a doctor. So anyway he said do you do you relax much? You haven't got any nor have you? I'm want these sheets to come out of those meditate or something. It's because you know you're all tense up. We're living in a stressful world as to tell me about it. So when I was telling him that I have problems relaxing, he said oh you're obviously the sort of person. Who's colourful enough to spend four or six grid for this? Oh how come? He said you're the sort of person

whose brain is in charge of them rather than them being in charge of the brain. So all you did was you met a person as stupid as you? No, but I thought it's interesting that he's this is what he does for a living. And he picked up, that was the first visit. That's the first, I'd only been there about 22 minutes. You get half an hour for 48 qu like 50 minutes. No, he's all right if I could say it. No, he did pick up on that, yeah. But anyway, the reason, well I am doing, I've got locked into it, I've got to go at least another three times. Why, I wish I was going to get out of it. I don't know, I didn't realize that you have to have a minimum amount of things.

So what I'm... I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm saying your blood's paranoid we're talking you've got jealous bones you're the sort of person who stomachs hungrier than you what absolutely fucking nonsense do you know like how we're talking about eyes weren't we he said he said the thing is you know you've got to be able to relax and the way to do it is to focus right he said that's what you you the sort of person whose eyes can see further than the the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the th th you th th the th th th th th th th th th. their the the the the the the to tho thus their to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. th. th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the their their their their their their their their their the. the. the. the the theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee tho th mean? He said, when you go to sleep... You're the sort of person whose eyes can see further than you can. So when you go to sleep, close your eyes and see... But Carl, keep breathing. Keep breathing. Close your eyes, you're not dead. It may seem like it, but you're not, you're just asleep. So he said, uh, fuck me. He said, what you've got to do when you go to fo to focus focus focus focus focus focus focus focus focus focus focus focus focus focus focus focus focus focus focus focus focus focus focus focus focus focus focus focus focus, but but to focus focus, but to focus, but to focus, but to focus, but to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to close, but to to close, but to close, but to close to to to to to to to to close to close to close, close, close, close, close, close, close, close, close, close, close, close, close, but to close, but to close, but to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their you've got to do when you go to sleep, focus, on your toe, right?

Okay. He said, and just think about nothing else. I said, he's a witch. Did he say to put a toad under the bed? No, he just said, focus on the toe and see how you go on and what have you, next time you come in, let me know. Anyway, I gave this a go, focusing on the toe. So what does this mean? You mean you sat in bed staring at your toes? No, this is it. He said, like, lie down, shut your eyes and sort of look at it sort of thing. So I was lying there. It just wasn't working because. Oh, Carl. This is not. Carl, this isn't medicine. Because, this, this, this. this. this. this. this. this. this. this. this. this. this. this. this. this. this. this. this is, their. their. their. their. this is, their. their. this is, their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, they. they. their. their. He said, he found out he was thinking of someone else's turn.

Next day someone called up and said, ''My toes better. No, the problem was I was still using my eyes even though I'm shut. ''Ahhh! Oh God! Oh God! Just when I think he could never come got so much stupid, he pulls that one out of the bag.

Right, so what does that mean? Oh God. You were still using your face with him in a show? What does that mean? I was straining him, they were stinging them, they were looking down at me. You were trying to see through your eyelids at your to tow? I was looking looking th looking thying, I th looking tha tha tha tha tha th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin, th. thi. to to to to to to to to to to to too. thi. to to to to to to to to to to to to, to, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so. So. So, to, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, thi. What, thi. What, thi. What, thi. What, thi. What, too. What, toooomuu. What, toooooom. What, toooo. What, toooooooooooooom. What, too. What, too. What, toe? I was looking down something and that's where the foot is. Because of that I was straining them and they were stinging so I had to pack it in. I'm gonna die I am going to die. Right so if anything this guy's just made your stress levels worse. Yeah that's amazing that's amazing. Okay if someone out there's listening could you put in order the top 10 most stupid things Carl's ever said and to me that

is number one that is now number well that that's overtaken is your brain in charge you or you charge your brain oh that's amazing oh shit bad that is only gone on written it down the little the jingle there to announce a yet another reading from Carl Pilkington's diary. When are you going to write until, Carl? What have you got it going to do? I've got to do it until? I've got to do it to.

I don't know. When is the diary end? the d' do that? Why just... Why be conformist? Why, why end on December? Why not end on January the 31st? Weird, that you should go... Don't be constrained to what the diary says. My ma'am called me to ask me to like... Fami, you're right. Like, look, that should be. My ma'am called me to ask me to look in look in look in to look in to look in to look in to look in to look in to look in to look in to look in some to look in some to look in some to look in some to look in some to look in some to look in some to look in some to look in some to look in some to look in some to to to look in some of the magazine shops in London for a magazine

that she can't find. It's called UFO Data. I said, I ain't heard of it. She said she's seen an advert for it in one of her ghost magazines. I love the fact that she can't even find the magazine about undidified flying objects. So we get a clue now. She thinks I think I saw something but I don't want it it it it it with it with it with it with it with it with it was the the the the the the magazine it was the the magazine it was the magazine the magazine the magazine the magazine the magazine the magazine the magazine with the magazine She thinks I think I saw something but I don't worry it was a magazine or not. So we get a clue there as to why you give any credence to this crap.

Yeah, well, you know, I mean... Mama Pilkington's into the same shit. There's a lot of space out there, isn't they? She said that this magazine has got new story about how Aldrin, brackets astronaut, has got some evidence that aliens exist. I told her that I found out today that the days are about 36 minutes longer on Mars. We chatted about how this is how they are more advanced at us. Do you mean the Martians?

Yeah, if they've got a longer day, that's more time that they're awake working on stuff. Right, yeah, we know that makes no difference at all. No, it does. Think about it. Yeah. Look, think about it. Six o'clock here. Yeah. People are going, see you tomorrow. I'm going home. They'll be going, oh, another half hour. They've got a longer day, productive. And that's why they're able to fly. That's able they're able to fly. That's able to fly. That's able to fly. to fly. to fly. to fly. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Think. Think. Think. th. Think. Think. Think. Think. Think. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. thi. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. thi. thi. th. thi. th. thi. th fly to fly. That's why they're whizzing around. Oh, Christ Almighty, what drivel! Suzanne got in from work at 1130. I told her about the UFOs in Mars. She said she's too tired to chat. I said, does it mean aliens will be more tired than us, or do they get more sleep?

I got no answer. I love it when Suza goes in she never indulges you. No, it scares her. Anything with ghost and UFOs she sort of... It doesn't scare her or boars her. No, it speaks her out. Scares her. Okay. I knack her today and the face feels dry and spotty. Oh God, the problem. It starts off! It starts off moaning! The first thing he does is start moaning! He wakes up...

Oh, God! I'm NACA today and the face feels dry and spotty. I think it's the change in water since being away. Or it could be all the... It could be all the Madeira cake I had yesterday. I'm gonna burst. I'm gonna burst. The Madeira Cake dries you out does it? Oh it's just quite fattening in it but I like it. It's gonna be little pleas. Oh my god I went for a wander about to try and find the UFO data magazine from

Mammem. I didn't know which category to look under it. There were too many magazines. I noticed how on the rude magazines the women are being pretty rude on the cover, but on the gay magazines is just a fella smiling, showing a bit of arse. I don't know why gay blokes would buy it. Bloaks have got the game magazine? No, I wasn't. It's just that. Oh, you were studying them. I know he was looking for UFO data. I don't know where they put it.

I don't think you find evidence about the World's to sound men's patterns. Yeah, I don't think you want to boldly go where no man has ever gone before. I had no luck trying shops. He writes UFO data magazine every time. He can just put UFO mag. No, but it reminds me. It reminds me. It sort of, for write stuff down it means that I remember it more. Sure.

Still looking for it. Got some post from Oxfam. They're flogging animals for Africa again. They've got new animals in their catalog. They. I don't know if this is a special rate or if I could get one from a ma'am. She's been saying how they've been missing having a pet since they had the cat put down. Sorry, you don't get it. If you buy that for someone, you don't get it. Yeah, but they're not bothered where they're going to get it. Yes, they don't deliver them it's not like they're in a warehouse wondering people thinking I hope people buy this they're gonna put them out there they're there but at the end of the day 50 quid 50 quid and they're not

bothered if they're selling an alpaca to Africa yeah and I'm saying can't you get one to London to them. They're not bothered. It's for charity. Of course they are. You can't buy an alpaca for 20 quid. Christ I'm like plus posters and packaging, they're big bastards. Read about a pub that is getting some stick because they've stopped a horse going in. It's been the horse is regular for ages. But there's been some new owners who've taken over the pub. Andthey said they're serving fresh fruit and don't want a horse in there anymore. We've got to publish this diary. We've got to publish the diary. I mean, this is, never mind peeps. Can't we put this out next year or something with a special CD?

It's amazing. You've got, you can't, you can't keep this from the world, Carl. I met Suzanne after she finished work and we went for a brew in another cafe. Gosh, Jesus. It's always having a brew in a cafe. It's like a sitcom. Suzanne said I look tired and fed up. I think it's th's th's tha's tha's tha's tired and fed up. I think it's because I ain't been sleeping.

All them are dear, okay? We don't know. Always been going to every news agency in London, looking at gay magazines. She taught me some way to breathe that will relax me. I wasn't feeling that relaxed though because the person behind the counter was banging about making a coffee. Noise stresses me out. I wonder if less deaf people die of stress than people with working ears do. Oh, it's the theory. It's the theory. It is such a noisy world though, isn't it? London is noisy, very noisy. I think just everywhere, just noise in general.

They were saying now like every noise has been used at least five times or something. What do you mean? Because there's only so many noises in the world. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about. No, there's only so many noises. What do you mean every noise has been used five times? I don't know what that means. I don't know what it means. Because I don't know, I'm no idea. I don't know no idea. Every noise noise the noise the noise the noise the noise the noise the noise the noise the noise the noise the noise the noise the noise. Every the noise. Every the noise. I th. I th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th th. I'm th th. I'm th. I don't th th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I don't th. I don't th. I don't the their their their their their their their their their th. I'm their th. I'm their th. I'm th. I'm th. I th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I don't to to to to to to to to to to to to to to. I don't to to tho their th. I at least five times. There's only so many noises, it's like a piano, isn't it? There's only so many notes. Yeah. And there's only so many noises.

Right. But because there's so much stuff, the same noises, the same noises that would sound like a Ford Escort. By whom? By whom? Who's reusing the noise? pecking. Yeah yeah some birds make noises that would sound like a Ford escort just because there's only so many noises that people can use. What is he talking about? Noises are a byproduct outside an instrument yeah

noises are a byproduct they don't go watch we make this noise. It makes the noise make this noise it makes when it's doing something. Why not pick the noise? No. A printing press makes the noise? Why not pick another noise? They don't pick the noise? Who's picking the noise? That's what... A printing press makes the noise because it's the sound of the thing going down. You know, a hammer makes that noise because that's what it does. No one's going, oh, can we make this make a different noise? No, it's it's a byproduct. I know. So there's only so many noises. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. I. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. the the the the the the the the the sound. the sound. I'm. the sound. the sound. the sound. the sound. the sound. the sound. the sound. the sound. the sound. the sound. the sound. the sound. the sound. the sound. the sound. the sound. the sound. the sound. the sound. the sound. the sound. the sound. the sound. It's the sound. It's the sound. It's the sound. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's the sound. It's the sound. It's. It's the sound. It's. It's the sound. It's the sound. It's the sound. It's the sound. It's the sound. It's the sound. It's the sound. It's the? But it's the physical action, isn't it? And the way that that impacts on the surrounding air, that's what noise, you know, how noises are manufactured. It's not a choice. When Stevenson drowk camera, and I went, they went, can new frog comes out. Oh what do you mean a new frog comes out? They find a new type of frog it makes a noise and they'll go

yeah I knew it was gonna sound like that thoan that thoys and they go I've never heard that noise before they go that sounds like a chicken or it sounds like a Ford escort or there's only so many noises. What from? It sounds like a Ford Escort? Well, there'll be so many, because you've used Ford Escort twice as an analogy here. So you're running out of noises. You come up with chicken and escort so far.

But the problem is a Ford Escort sounds a bit like an Austin Allegro. I know, yeah, and a chicken, you're ripping off the turk tur tur tur tur tur tur tur tur tur tur tur tur tur tur tur tur tur tur tur tur, you're tur, you're tur, you're tur, you're t, you're t, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're th, you're th, you're, you're th, you're, you're, you're they, you're, you're they, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you,e that is competition time. I think my worry there is people might get confused with it because that jingle is very similar to the monkey news jingle. There's aspects of it that's similar. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I think my worry there is people might get confused with it. Because that jingles are very similar to the monkey news jingle. There's aspects of because that jingles very similar to the monkey news jingle. There's aspects of it that's similar, yeah. Yeah. There's some people might have just heard that and they might have just heard chimpanzee and thought, oh great it's monkey news, but Kyle presumably is too lazy to have actually prepared any monkey news. I've got some good news actually.

Have you? If you are craving monkey news, the in the CD the three CD box set the Ricky Jove show got everything it's got the 12 shows and MP3 it's got the best of and it's got an extra hour of brand new material as well and then the reason we did it on CD is because some people are saying I've heard about this but I can't listen to it I haven't got an iPod I haven't got a computer so so buy that for a friend who can't listen th th th th th th th th th th th th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. the. the. the. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thee theeeeeeeeann. theann. theaneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. thee the the the the can't listen to these. It's the perfect Thanksgiving gift. It is the perfect Thanksgiving gift. Or Pancake Tuesday.

And we've signed one that's going to a lucky winner. We did a competition on the last podcast to give away one of the CD box sets, the world of Carl Pilkington, and we've signed that, and Flannels of the Deep, the new book in the series. Can you remind us Rick of the quiz question? The quiz question was, do you want these? Okay and what was the correct answer? It was yes. Well, we've had, it's amazing actually how many people didn't realize that was, we've had a lot of people saying no, I'm not interested, who are you, why are you bothering me? But amazingly, Rachel Bolland from Glasgow has got the correct answer.

She said yes. Now then we need a new question, Rick. Yeah, should we give those away again? The same things again. So, let's give those away again, the same things again. Not obviously these, we'll send these to Rachel. No, different one. So you get, do you get, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. the, do. the, do, do. the, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. the, do. the, do. the, do. the, do. the. the, do. the. the. the, do. the, do. the, do. the, do. the, do. the, do. the, do. the, the, the, the, the. the, the, the, the, the, the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the, the. the. the. the. the. the. the World Carp Ellington and Flalms of the Deep, okay? Plus we can also add to that, Rick, the forthcoming Extras scriptbook. Ah, not just a scriptbook, Steve. No. It's got some wonderful pictures, but that are taken by Rich Harcassel of people like

people like Ben Stiller and Sam Jackson and Kate Winsley behind the scenes. And it's brilliant. It's brilliant. to thrific. the pictures. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thu. thu. thu. thr. thrific. thrific. thr. thrific. thr. thrific. thrific. that. th. th. th. thi. the script. thi. th. th. th. th. their. their. their. the script. the script. the script. the script. the script. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. the script. the script. the script. the script. the script. th. the script. th. th. thi. thi. thr. thr. thr. thr. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. th. th. toda. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the.com and you'll see what you could we'd be winning. Yeah. Yeah. So we've got that perfect collection and stuff but we need a new quiz question. Okay. Um, okay. So those prizes, uh, does someone else want them? Yeah. Okay. All right. Well, if you know the answer to that, then get in touch. Podcast at Rickage of Ays.com. Good luck. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. Yeah. Yeah. It's. Yeah. It's. It's a th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do. Do. Yeah. Yeah. Do. Do. Do. Yeah. Yeah. Do. Yeah. Do. Yeah. Do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's a. It's a. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. Yeah. It's. So. Yeah. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. if you know the answer to that, then get in toucest. Podcast at Ricky Javais.com. Good luck, it's a tricky one. Oh, good luck anyway, because I never read the emails. Well, that's the end of the second, in this series of three special podcasts. That was the end of the Thanksgiving edition. With me, Ricky Javais, Steve Merchant, and Carl Pilkington. Thank you to Positive Internet, the guys that host this podcast. They're doing a great job.

Thanks, guys. Thank you. Happy Thanksgiving. The Ricky Gervais Show on Guardian Unlimited.