The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Guardian S4E3 "The Podfather, Part III: Christmas" (December 24, 2006)

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

Three free podcasts were announced that coincide with special days. The first was released on 31 October 2006, to coincide with Halloween, the next was on 23 November, coinciding with Thanksgiving, and the last was released on 24 December 2006, to coincide with Christmas.

The Ricky Jovee Show on Guardian Unlimited. Hello and welcome to our Christmas podcast. With me Ricky Javee, Stephen Merchant and Carl Pilkington. All right. Merry Christmas everyone. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. A lot of people are wondering, Rick, if having done so many podcasts this year, because we very much started the whole podcast revolution ourselves single-handedly, roughly this time last year, yeah, that's right.

Have we perhaps exhausted the podcast phenomenon? Is it time to pack it up, pack up the equipment and move on to something new? Well, this will be the last one for a little while, I think, I th.. I th. I th. th. th. th. thin, I thin, I thin, I thin, I thin, I thin, I thin, I thin, I thin, I thi, I thi, thr, thrown, thrown, the whole, the whole, the whole the whole, the whole, the whole, the whole, the whole, the whole, the whole the whole s ourselves ourselves ourselves ourselves ourselves ourselves ourselves ourselves ourselves ourselves ourselves ourselves, I ourselves, I ss ourselves, I ss ourselves, I ss ourselves, I ss ourselves, I ss ourselves, I ss ourselves, I si, I si, I the whole the whole the whole thi, I thr-s, I thr-s, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, thr-a, I think, thr-a' tho, tho-a'eru. tho. We're tho. We've throoan, think, 24 and then these specials this year. I think we started it about this time last year. Well, I don't know about you, Rick, but I'm bored of the whole podcast and I know that you probably feel the same way. Well, it stopped for a while. We might get it back together again, but it won't be for a while. It's the, you know, we've the year, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, the, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. But, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. I, I, I, I, I, th. I, I, I's, th. I's, th. th. thin, th. th. thin, th. th. thin, th. th. th. thi. th. th. thi. th. th. But, th. But, I, I, I was the year of the podcast. It's been a weird year on it. Go on. No, I'm just saying, you know, when you look at it like that, when you think about all the podcasts that we've done, over a year, just a lot of stuff has gone on.

Looking back at the year, a year in which we've seen, you know, increasing violence in Iraq, we've seen the advent of more fears over global warming. We've seen George W. Bush take a massive battering in the midterm elections. We've seen many major world events this year, Carl. What's stuck out for you? What event do you, if you think, oh my god, if you were doing your own review of the year, what would you put on the front cover? Uh, the grub that was eating biscuits on the windowsill. Right, that's just a little bit more up there for you than the capturing of Saddam Hussein

and he's sentencing to death. Just because, you know, it's, uh, I never thought I'd see that this year. So what exactly... What, the grub? What the grub? th. It th. It was th. I was th. I was th. I was that was just. I was just. I was just. I was just. I was just. I was just, I was just, I was just, I was just, I was just, I was just, I was just, I was just, I was just, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that was eating, that was eating, that was eating, that was eating, that was eating, that was eating, that was eating, that was eating, that was eating, that was eating, that, that, that, that, 'd see that this year. So what exactly... What the Capture of Saddam or the Grub? No, the Grub. It was just, I was there on the computer. I was having a cup of tea in a biscuit. I put the biscuit on the windowsill. I sort of picked it up. Why would you do that?

Why would you put a biscuit on a window. I put the pie on the window seal to cool down and some ruffian stole it. So I was eating that and I was enjoying it and put the rest of it back down for like the next half of the cup of tea and I saw it. Well we read about this later in the diary. And then I saw just like a little crumb moving. I was like what's going on there. So I looked down closer and there's an insect that is a a a the insect. the insect. the insect. there. I is a there. I is a there. I was a there. I was a there. I was a there. I was a the insect. I was a the insect. I was a the insect. I was a the insect. I was a the insect. A the insect. A the the insect. A the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. I. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was.u.u. I was.u.u. I was. I was. I was.u. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was a closer and there's an insect that is see-through but with legs and just sort of running off with a crumb into like a little owl and then when I looked and noticed there was loads of these little see-through things and they were obviously all like, I've got biscuit.

That's exactly what they were saying. We've got biscuits over here! Like I said, it was amazing because it was they're miles away from what I'm about. And, um, and, and, and, and, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, they, they, they, um, they, they, um, they, um, um, um, um, um, they're, um, they're, um, they're, um, they're, just, just, um, just, just, um, just, um, um, just, um, um, just, um, um, um, um, just, um, they're, um, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're just, they're, they're just, they're just, they're, they're just, they're they were saying. We've got biscuits over here! Like I say, it was amazing because it was their miles away from what I'm about and yet... Not that far. But they still like a bit of biscuit and it was just weird that that happened. I never thought that would happen in 2006. And that's what's nice, that's what's nice about the nature of the world. You know we can invent iPods, we can bring out better vacuum cleaners. But at the end of the day you can't make nature up and to see this see-through things eating a biscuit.

That's where I've sort of gone this year. I'd say out of anything, I've sort of gone out of my way to learn more stuff about weird stuff that's happening. I don't know what you've learned. You've learned that a creature which you can't even identify your name. You don't know, right? You don't know what it is, look like it nicked a bit of crumb. I don't know what knowledge is that. How is that useful? Just that useful? Just because everything is changing. But it's not useful. It's not useful to you and it's not useful. You can't pass on that as knowledge because we don't know what it was. But Carl thinks, where it happened or why it happened. But Rick, Carl thinks that the grubb, or why it's a great. But Rick, Carl thinks, Carl, Carl, Carl, th thinks, th, th, thinks, th, th, th, th, th, thinks, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not useful, it's not useful, it's not useful, it's not useful, it's not useful, it's not, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's not, it's, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not. It's not, it's not. It's not useful. It's not useful. It's not useful. It's not useful. It's not useful. It's not useful. It's not useful, it's not useful, it's not useful, it's not useful, it's not useful, it's not useful, it's not useful, it's not useful, it's not useful, it's not useful what he's from me. He's thinking I can't believe it. We both love hobnobs. As opposed to just being taking the start of the flower. Exactly, yeah. But what I'm saying is, is that these things have been around for years, maybe longer than us. Yes. Right? Now, their life isn't changing in the way that hours have. They still live in a little crack in the wall. Yeah. But they're eating biscuit and that was never meant to happen. So, so it's changing it. What I mean is you might start getting fat insects. That should never have happened.

You don't normally see a fat beetle. You go, oh, look like that's a bit fat, put a better weight on. And now that's going to happen because they're eating sugary stuff. the squirrel the squirrel the squirrel the squirrel the squirrel the s stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff. T they're the s stuff. T they're they're they're they're their stuff. That they're they're their stuff. they're they're their stuff. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're eating thi. they're eating sugary stuff. The squirrels in the park, because people are feeding the Mars bars and everything. They're getting fatter, they're getting bigger, they're getting more violent. Now over time, you know, they're going to cause more trouble than they are now. What do you think? Just because when I'm sat in the park and what have you, they really like cocky, they come up to you now and sort of jump up on the bench and sort of attack you for food. They're not happy with acorns now, they want a bit of quassant. And that's what I'm saying, they've changed. They're changing over time, just like that grub, having a biscuit.

Everything's trying different out. He'll want the world how they're eating weirder stuff. They're running out of, you know, ideas on how to cook food differently. And we're eating weird stuff. So our insects, everything's moving on. Everything's getting more intelligent. The goldfish memories got better. Chickens are more intelligent than people thought they were apparently. Everything's, time makes you more intelligent.

Well. No, they do.that's that's a fact in it if you're knocking around longer then you're learning more because more stuff's going on and you soak it up and that's what these insects are doing they're all learning you know what I mean no I saw a co-croach playing Pac-Man I saw a cockroach playing Pac-Man. It was on the internet, right? And somebody had linked up a Cock-Coach to some... I can't even be bother explaining it. But that's what I'm saying. Everything's moving on. Yeah, but Pac-Man's like such an old hat game, man. It's like from the 1980s. Yeah, that cockroa's... Oh God. Get a life, man. Hello! Face! the th! th! th! th! th! th! th! th! th! th! It! It's! It's! th! It's! It's! It's! It's! It's! It's! It's! It's th! It's th! It's th! It's th! It's th! It's th! It's th! It's th! It's th! It was th! It was th! It was th- It was th- It was! It was! It was! It was! It was! It was! It was! It was! It was! It was! It was! It was! It was! It was! It's th! It's th! It th! It th! It th! It th! It th! It's! It's! It's! It's! It's! It's! It's! It's th! It's th! It's th! It's th! It's th! It's th! It's th- th- th- th- thi- th- thi- th- th- thi- th- th- th- th- thi- th- th-'s like from the 1980s. Yeah that cockroach is so I've got a date get a life man. Hello

Face Station 3. Hello. Yesterday's Cockroach. Oh fucking out. What was he listening to? MC Hammer? Christ Almighty. Fucking out Pac-Man. Get a life. Hi-five me. I was in the supermarket recently. Just walking past the condoms on the weight of the pornography. And I thought, you know, it's worth perhaps, you know, getting a stock in, you know. Get a stocking? No, getting some condoms. What, put over your head? You're not still doing that, are you? No, no, no, no.

No, I thought it was getting some condoms in, you know, it's this Christmas party season. And you never know when you're gonna to ruly The condoms in the supermarket are contained in a kind of cage, in a plastic cage. So it makes it all the more embarrassing buying them. Because I took them off the thing and I was trying to open it. Because I thought that you had to open it in a way. Try it on. Okay, you know, in case it doesn't fit, bring it back.

Yeah, bring it back. Do you do all orations? Yeah, we do, yes. Five pounds. And so I'm trying to open this thing and this guy who works there, sort of in his middle-aged guy works. He goes, you know, you have to, you have to take that to the checkout. Zera, you can't open that yourself. Because I don't know, I still find it. I thap. embarrassing you know dealing at any of that sort of you know prophylactics and things that novelty of that is still very embarrassing to me and so I just left it I thought I'm not gonna I'm not gonna take these to the counter because you never it's like if you get served by a woman is sort of a bit

embarrassing particularly if that's all you're buying because she knows what you're up to you're gonna fill them up with more and throw up in students. But anyway, the reason I mentioned this is because it reminded me of the conversation we've all enjoyed in the past Rick about when Carl bought for his girlfriend for Christmas. Was it a two pack of condoms? Wasn't it about buy one get one free? Yeah. It was a bumper family pack, wasn't it? Not a family, obviously, that would be weird. Yeah, a family pack of condoms. One for the kids, took me to enjoy yourselves. But, um, so that was a couple of years ago,

Carl, the famous condom gate. Have you bucked your ideas up since then? Uh, not really. They were the early days. Um... Do you mean the early days? You'd been going out with her for about eight years, then you? Yeah, yeah, but I just think that as time goes on. You don't sort of buy each other as many presents. I'm so sorry, that was a bumper year, was it?

That was a hell of a... She went, oh I remember I remember when you used to buy me stuff like condoms. It's gone downhill since then. Well no, she didn't know she was getting them. What I mean is there's less prizes. Of course she didn't. That's what I mean though it was sort of interesting to when I gave them her and so there you go open them. She was not expecting that. And as time goes on... No, she was probably in Paris. It's more difficult is what I mean to surprise someone in it over all the time. No no no but the surprise thing is meant to always be a good surprise. Yeah but don't if you're if you always get something good it's like the three wise men what did they get

the second year for little baby Jesus. Do you know what I mean? Once he's had that gold it's I've sort of made it hard work for myself there I've got to get him something him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him. the the the the to get him. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He's. He's to get him. He's to get to get to get him. He's the to get. He's to get. He's to get. He's to get. He's to get. He's to get. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He's. He's to to to to to to to to to to the to to the to the the to to the to to the to to to the to to to to to to to him something better than that now. So it's best to give him the murr. And next year, get in the gold. Step it up a bit or whatever. But don't you understand, because I don't want to criticize you because you're a lovely man, but having read the diary and read much of this diary, one of times Susanna says, book us a lovely meal out, take me out tonight and you always write like it's a massive chore, like it's a headache for you. Oh no, I've got to spend a romantic night out with my girlfriend. Because it's the same reason I don't like Christmas and stuff is the expectations. I prefer it. If I want to take Suzanne out, I prefer to meet her at the bus stop and she comes back from work to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the to, the the to, the the, the the, to, th, th... And, the the, the the, their, th. And, th. And, th. And, their, their, their, I, their, their, their, I' their, their, their, their, their, their, I' their, I'm, I'm, I'm, their, I, their, I, I, I, I, their, their, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, their, I, I, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, touch, touch, touch, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, meet her at the bus stop and she comes back from work and go, you want to go out?

But you don't do that? No, I do now and again, but it's that thing of, oh, we'll go out tonight, I want to leave it to you, buck a place, da-da, da, da, it builds it up too much and it can never live up to it. It's like how, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you know, you know, you know, you know, you, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, no, no, no, th, to, no, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to gonna do that tonight not the way to do anything you won't get anything done by planning. That's a quote that's an amazing quote that'll be up there with Newton and Churchill you don't get anything done by planning no but like I've said like I've said a lot of you can't just bring it on someone you have to to to the to to' to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to to the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. to to to to to to to to to to at least ask are you up for it tonight? Just see how it goes. That's what I'm saying about Christmas. I might not be in the mood for it on December 25th for Christmas having Turkey and everything. That's what I mean about,

you know in the last podcast stuff coming round every year. Don't plan it. If you fancy your Christmas have it. If you don't just carry on it be nice to live in a world a world like that. They th. They th. They th. They th. They th. They th. They th. They they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they they're they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they they're they're they they'll they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. to to to to the. to to to to the. the. they they they they they to live in a world like that. They say you know it's a world of freedom or something now it isn't. No I don't know what that means. They just make up things they say. They say like you know today's world is a free world or something. Someone said something along them lines when it isn't. Everyone's still being told what to do when to do it.that we all have to go through and it's stressful. It's not a happy time. Such a miserable sod, you really are. No but Christmas is a big, it's a big up evil. Out of all of those special days that go on, Christmas is the one that's... But what are you doing with your time? It's the question we return to again and again we read it. You're visiting your parents, you're hiring a car, you're going down down down down down down down down down, you're hiring a the the their, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, it, it, it's their, it's, it, it, it, it's a big, it, it, it, it's a big, it's a big, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it's a big, it's a big, it's a big, it's a big, it's a big, it's a big, it's a big, it's a big, it's a big, it's a big, it's a big, it's a big, is's a big, thi. It's a big, is's a big, is's a big, is's a big, thi. It's a big, it's a big, it's a big doing some important neuroscience work and we've had to take you away from that for three days. No, but what I... You're not doing anything of any value, Carl. No. No, what I might want

to do, but I can't because the shops are shut because they want to go off and celebrate Christmas. You know, it's an upheaval it's all right. It comes and goes. Do you to do. Do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it's the, it, their, their, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you. You, you. You, you, you. You, you, you. You, you, you, you, you, you. You, you, you, you. You, you, you, you. You, you, you. You, you, you. to, you, you. to, you, you, you. to, you, you, you, you, to, to, to, to, the, the, the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the th. the th. the the the the the the the the th. thi really. Don't have one then. You're not forced an egg. You're not forced an egg. I like Easter. And everyone can afford an egg. There's no one being left out, whereas Christmas, everyone like goes back to the family and they have a big meal and all that. And there's a lot of poor people out there who can't do that. So it's more of a, if you're going to talk about talk to talk to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the to be a to be a their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their one, their one, their one, their one, their one, their one, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, they.e, they. I' theybuea, theybuea, theybuea, theybuea, theybuea, their, their, their, their, their, religion and you know the religious sort of occasions East is one that I'd keep if you plan everything you probably won't do it in the end whereas again that that as a sound bite is gobbity goot isn't it no what I mean is say like holidays when you know they come in you never enjoy them as much as one when it's surprised on you how can you how can you go bloody how I'm an holiday you never enjoy him as much as one when it's surprised on you. Who surprises someone with the holiday unless you win it on a game show?

How can you go, bloody how? I'm on holiday! Suzanne did it with me, she sorted it all out and bucked my time off work without you knowing. That's a lovely romantic gift. Yeah, and I went along with it and we had a great little holiday. Yeah, so maybe you should do something like that for her. No, do you wouldn't like you you you you you you you you you wouldn't like it You're one of these people that washes up badly so you never be asked again aren't you? No that's my job, that's the only job I do. Yeah, well to be honest that's doing my head in at the moment because I've outgrown the sink. He talks about himself like a crab. Oh God. Got to get a new sink for Carl? Why? He's outgrown it. It's 33 now

and his knees around his head. Oh he can't bathe in that anymore. No, he can't bath in that anymore. No, he's been playing up a bit and I think it's because of the height of the sink. But well, hold on. You haven't grown? I think that you haven't grown at 33? Well it's definitely something, it's just not something something something something something something something, it's th. It's not th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's thi. It's thee. It's thi. It's thirty. It's thirty. It's thirty. It's thirty. It's thirty. It's thirty. It's th. It's definitely something, it's just not very good. Sub-silence? I don't know, I've just said to Suzanne, I said this isn't as good as it used to be. This isn't as good as it used to be. This is wash it up! Oh, he says he's got nothing in the flat. That's why he has to do a shop every day because he's got nothing in the flat. It's easier that way, isn't it? that way, that way, that way, that way, that way, that way, that way, that way, that way, that way, that way, that way, that way, that way, that way, that way, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's that's that's that's that's th. th. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It's, th. It's th. It's th. It's not, thi. It's not, thi. It's not, thi. It's thi. It's isn't, this is is isn't is isn't is isn't is isn't is isn't is isn't is thi. It's isn't is isn't is thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's not that way, isn't it? You don't know what you're going to want to eat. But that's why you get a... But you don't have a different meal every day of the year, do you? You rotate maybe a dozen meals, don't you? So you can get in enough ingredients that any time you go to the fridge and go, oh am I going to have chicken, or am I going to have fish today, or maybe I have to have to have to have to have tha tha tha tha, or maybe thin thin' thin' thin' thin' thi thi thi thi thi, or maybe thi, or maybe thi, or maybe thi, or maybe thi, or maybe, or maybe, or maybe, or maybe thi the thi, or maybe, or thi, thi, thi, thi, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi? thi? thi thi today, today, thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. I always come down to one of half a dozen meals. You've got a freezer, we haven't got a freezer, have we? We've only got a little

fridge. There's nothing wrong with me into the supermarket, there's nothing wrong with that. So you've got too much time on your hands boy. Uh, it had one thing, he's had to do one thing this year. Promote the book. Couldn't be the book. Couldn't be the book. Couldn't the book. Couldn't the book. Couldn't the book. Couldn't th. Couldn't th. th. th. th. the book. th. th. the book. th. th. the book. th. tho. tho. tho' the book the book tho. the book. the book tho. the book the book. the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's not. It's not. It's not th. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. th. It's not th. thooo I haven't seen Carl an interview with him, I haven't seen him on the TV. Oh he was on the TV a while back on the thing called the Culture Show, who lives you too. And I'll tell you what, he was sat there, it looked like a little frightened frog in a chair being interviewed, and I'll tell you what, I'm not being funny, but his head, yeah, yeah. Literally it looked like a little fucking round-headed twat. And that's my personal opinion. Yeah. Did you enjoy that interview? Not really. Why? Well, I, this is, I've met a guy, funny you mentioned, I met a guy, I was in France recently, and I met a guy, he wasn't a Frenchman, but he was over there and he saw me, he was a bit drunk and he went, Carl Borgans... he's a he went, he's a thin, he's a thin, he's a thin, he's a thin, he's a thin, he's a thin, he's a thin, he's a thin, he's a thin, he's a thrown, he's a thrown, he's a thrown, he's a thrown, and he's a thi, and he's a th. And he's a th. And he's a th. And he's a th. And he's a th. And he's a th. And he's a th. And he's a th. And he's a th. And he's a th. And he's a th. And he's a th. And he's a th. And he's a thi, he's a thi, he's a thi, he's a thi, he's a thi, he's a thi, he's a thrown, he's a thrown, he's a thrown, and he's a thrown, and he's a thrown, and he's a thrown, and he's a thrown, and he's a thi. orange. And I thought, and I hi-fined him and we agreed. I thought, isn't that nice? You know, even when you're abroad you can find somebody who speaks sense.

Yeah. And they shaved your head more? No, it's just the way. They sort of greased it up a bit just to get a bit more reflection of it. No, they put a lot of makeup on it. They said, do any makeup on it? And that's they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they said, they said, they said, they said, they they said, they th. They said, that. They said, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, you th. Oh, th. Oh, you th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, that, that, that, that, tho. the. thoed, thoed, thoed, thoed, thoed. Oh, tho. Oh, tho was like at the back where they could have done it and then I went and sat in the chair and there's like a live audience there and the woman goes no I best do some coloring in and it was like let's say you give you a book to color in people no no she started coloring the head in and she was like I'd like had some brown powder she's doing the top she's called the to do in the too and I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I was the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th th the the the th th th th th the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the took I was took took took I was took took took I was took took took took I was took took to go I was to go I was the the the the the's looking and sort of laughing to themselves that I'm having my head coloured in. I'm sure she was doodling on the top. She took longer than anyone else who she was doing. I watched like other people who were on.

Well, she's got more flesh to do. When you do, usually powder someone? When it's usually, I'm sure. No, but the shine, the shine for the camera was that would get in people's eyes. They've got to be good, health and safety, the light will bounce off into the eyes of the audience, quite. Yeah, well, I wasn't happy with that anyway, so I'm not doing it again. How do you cope with this new famed interest in you as a person? I've got an idea, Steve, by the way, you know what, for me, for me, for me, for me, for me, for me, for me, for me, for me, for me, for me, for me, for me, for me, for me, for me, for me, for me, for me, for me, for me, for me, for me, for me, for me, for me, for me, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, well, well, well, that, well, well, well, that, well, well, well, well, that, well, well, well, that, well, well, well, that, well, I wasn't, I, I, I, I, I, I, in the street. That's what I'm hoping when they see him in the street with his little round-headed face like a fucking orange. Yeah, right? I'm going to do a tour next year, okay, called Fame, okay, and everywhere I play, hopefully play to millions of people in the, you know, I might even go to America, but I'll make sure the the theaters I play or there's a picture of Carl on the seat, right,

that they can put in their window. So next year I want a picture of Carl. Or what their arms with? Or yeah, or whatever. But if you can make this yourself, put Carl everywhere. Have you seen this bald-headed twattwaite? Please make up the posters. Absolutely. I want to see pictures. I, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, their. their. I, you, you, you, their. I, you, their. I, you, you, their. I, you, their, their, you, their, you, you, their, their, their. I want their, their, their, their, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want. I want. I their. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm, the. I'm, the. I'm, the. I'm, to. I'm. to.a.a. I'm.a.a. I'm..............................................to friends. Absolutely. I want to see pictures if you own a shop but a big picture of him. If you just, even if you're, you know, your own home, your own flat, get it everywhere.

Have you seen this boardheaded twat? This is Carl Pilkerton. He's got a head like a fucking orange. Get it everywhere. I want to see the world papered with Carl's round head. Happy New Year. Oh, he's only going to rain it down for a whole fucking year. That of course signifies another reading from Carl's Diary. This is the last one of both 2006 and on any podcast for a while.

Let's make the most of it. Let's enjoy some of the wisdom. I also think it's the last time ever he will make an entry in this diary because you're not going to keep another one, are you? I don't know yet. I might just get a smaller one. But I've found that since keeping a diary I've gone out of my way to do more stuff. Well you say that. Well, let's find out if that's true. Well I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I have the the the the the th. I th. I've the the th. I've the th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th thi. I've th. I've th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the the th. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try.'s find out if that's true. I read a bit in the news about people being injured while trying to cut open avocados it's a food that ain't worth injuring yourself for if it's a hassle to get into or leave it to the experts I have never bought one I have also avoided coconuts and pineapples. The amount of hassle to get into these things outweighs the joys they they they they they they they they they th. th. th. th. th. It is it. It is th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's that's th. It's th. It's thi. It's that's that's that's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th th thate that the same same that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th get into these things outweighs the joys

they give. It's the same reason I never bought a pair of Dr Martin boots. Too much hassle when it's time to take them off. Yeah, a lot of my mates used to wear them in like the 80s. You know, you can't just kick him off can you? It's a big up evil. You've got to unlaced them. All they. Yeah, yeah, you, you, you've their, you've to, you've to, you've to, you've to, you've to, you've to, you've to, you've to to, you've to, you've to their, you've their, you've, you've, you've, you've, you've, you've, you've got their, you've, you've, you've, you've their, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. their, it, their, their. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same. their, their, it's theirlace them. Yeah, I mean, since I found shoes with Velcro on them, brilliant. Just the way, I don't understand why the laces... Is it because you can't tie your laces? No, I can do it, but it's wasted time. You're so lazy. Wasted time.

That gives him more time and look at insects, eating biscuits. How long does it take off? No, but I don't understand how some inventions sort of catch on and other things don't. But this is what I mean, he's got too much time on his hands. Sitting around at home thinking, why are we not using Valcro more? Why are we? But there's one Velcro manufacturer going, yes, at last he said what he said? He said what needed to be said? Why don't you get it sponsored? Because you could wear a valcrow, t............................ th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. th. the the the the the the th. He. He. He. He's th. He's to. He's to. He's to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to...................................................................................... the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. that. If someone could invent a little hair piece for Carl, Valcro's the little bit of fluff he's got on the top of his head, his shiny orange-like head, pop a little valcrow tupay on. I would love that. I would love to get him wearing a wig.

But why necessarily reduce it to a tupey? Why not some kind of carrying a tupe? the kind of carrying a tupa carrying a carrying a carrying a carrying a carrying a carrying a carrying tuice carrying tuice tuice tuice tuice the tuice the tuice. carrying device the the the the tuice. Why. Why. the the tuice. tue. tuice. tue. tupec. the the their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their tu. tu. tu. tu. tu. tu. tu. tu. tu. tu. tu. their shiny, their their their their their the there, sandwiches. Yeah, he doesn't look like carrying a bag. Well, what about that? A little thing you carried around, a little vaucro thing, you carried a pot on your head for your sort of like keys and trinkets and money and that. Well, no, I've told you about that idea that's out there but wouldn't it? I've never wore a tie because they always think, what's the point, it's just stanging there in the way. Can you imagine this image of Carl walking around in his big valcro shoes? A tie with an

tie with an apple stuffed in it, car keys, iPod? No, but don't you think it's a good idea? Would you wear it with a shirt, that's what I'm saying, it's an invention that will smarten up the world. Now a tie, what does a tie do exactly? Yeah. What does it do? Nothing. Right. So I'm saying make it do something. But I'm saying don't wear it at all. Pop your keys in the trouser pocket or take it back. Because the world is getting more and more scruffier, isn't it? I don't know what that means that means that means that means that means. I that means. I that means. I that means. I that means. I that means. I that means. I don't that means. I don't know what that means. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't. I don't. I don't that means. I that means. I that means. I don't. I'm. I'm. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. I to the. to the. to the. the. the, they wore a tie, they wore a suit, and it was a nicer looking place to look at. When you see it on pictures you go, what a smart world that is. Well you can't see cholera and things on pictures, but sure.

No, but I'm just saying it's better to try and cover it up with a bit of, you know, cloth. Yeah, the world look nicer with more cloth. Whereas now everyone's rowing around scruffly. So what I'm saying is if we make the tie more useful and give it a purpose it might come back and the world will look tidier. But a tie its purpose is to look smart really. Well originally it was because we didn't have buttons so it kept the collar up at the front. That was the invention it was a useful invention in the tie. It was called a tie. It was called. It was called. It was called. It was called. It was a tie. It was a tie. It was a tie. It was a tie. It was a tie. It was a tie. It was a tie. It was a tie. It was a tie. It was a tie. It was a tie. It was a tie. It was a tie. It was a tie. It was. It was a tie. It was a tie. It was a tie. It was a tie. It was a tie. It was a tie. It was a tie. It was a tie. It was a tie. It was a tie. It was a tie. It was a tie. It was a tie. It was a tie. It was a tie. It was a tie. It's. It's. It's. It's a tie. It's a tie. It's a tie. It was a tie. It was a tie. It's a tie. It's a tie. It's a tie. It's a tie. It's a tie. It's a tie. It's a tie. It was called a tie, it tied together, okay? So then when we had buttons that we didn't really need the tie, but it was a symbol of smartness like saying I've made an effort, okay? But now that would go away.

So now you wouldn't look smart with a tie they'd go, oh look it's like a bag around his head with his apples and oranges and his keys and his sticks he's making the the. So it would be scruffy. It would make the Thai scruffy so it would defeat the object. So now when you're carrying stuff around, I mean crawling on all fours because you're shopping so heavy around your neck, they'd go, look at that scruffy fucker on all fours. Oh look, look at his lovely head of hair. It's it's a the lovely head of hair. It's a throwne. It's their their their their their their their their thrown. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's thrown. It's their thrown. It's their thrown. It's thrown. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's thrown. It's thrown. It's thrown. It's thrown. It's thrown. I's thrown. I's their. I's their their their try. I's their their try. I's their try. I' their try. I'. My theory about reading old news is right. It's less bad when you know it's old. It was a story about a weatherman who was fired yesterday for having a nude picture himself on the internet. But that happened two days ago. He's probably got another job by now. So old news isn't as shocking. Well, old news isn't news though, is it? It's Olds. What are you doing? Just reading the Olds.

No, but what I mean is if someone... Stick the video on of last week's News, I just want to catch up on the Olds. Yeah, but then it's still news. News is something that you don't know, isn't it? If someone tells you that's information car not new yeah but news is information no the key with news is the word new no no I don't think it is it's just it's just information but they tell you at 10 o'clock at night it's like what information's gone on bong is some information yeah that you didn't know before because you couldn't have because it only happened today

bong yeah but never mind that I'll tell you in a couple of days. It doesn't matter as long as you get the same info. Bong. Yeah, we can't call it news though because it's misleading. We get down. It's called Olds. Bong. Yeah, but listen to my theory. What I'm saying is, is that if someone in your family, you know, I don't want to ruin your holiday and you come home and they go Uncle Franksdead and you go oh when did that happen and they go two weeks ago now because everyone else has got over it it it's not as bad for you because part of bad news is the way everyone's walking around moping going going oh have the news Frank's dead but because everyone's got over it time th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi thi thi thi thi thi their their their their they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their they. ti ty. ty ty ty ty they. they. they. they. they. their their their their their the oh have you had the news, Franksdead. But because everyone's got over it, time is a healer. That's what I mean about old news.

It's better than new news. But yeah, but according to you, the only news that really matters is stuff that affect you. So it doesn't matter when you, uh, there was an earthquake, when was it yesterday? Few that's all right then. Often the aftermath is worse than the actual event. Two, you only care about things that actually happened to you, so the doctor goes, you got a kidney stone, oh when did this happen? Two weeks ago? Oh, that's all right then. Doesn't make sense? No, but the world is... You're not upset about dead Uncle Frank just because other people are upset, you'd be upset personally would make the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi thi their thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi their their thi thi thiou thiou their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. So. So, thi. So, thi. So, theeateateateateateate. theateateateate. thooooooeateate. Soe. So, so thoe. So, so? Yeah, but it is everyone else's emotions that make it worse, I think, knocking around people who are miserable. What about

warnings? What about when they do things like smog warnings or, you know, there may be... I don't like it on the news when they sort of say, news just in, I think, oh, what's this? You think, oh, what's going on? But it might be useful to know it to know it? to know it. the to know their to know their their their their to know their their their th. th. th. th. thin, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. their, their, their, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. the. th. the. th. the. th. W. to know it. It just makes you panic. What? Yeah, but sometimes knowing stuff keeps you alive. Yeah, I don't know if I like it. Sirens, you see. I don't like sirens, do I? I've said to you. I think it's a scary noise. Well, it's meant to be, so you get out of the way? No, no, it's not meant to be. It's a sign to get out of the way. I'd prefer it if it... Like it says... Hiya! Could you just move out the way for us? Well it can be anything, as long as we know it could be a chicken noise, but as long as you know that chicken noise... Oh, that's not going to free people out. No, but it's sort of make you smile, but you'd try to the giant chicken behind you. death says something clucking in my way do do do do it did did it work that's

probably a guy having a heart attack go into a mom and dad's today I'll cut to the chase break they basically it's like we got about four pages while they drive to his mom and dad oh Jesus got past that because it things fucking forever got there mom and dad mom made him in some dinner the old woman next door, brackets, whose man was a witch. Just pop out in brackets. I think we've discussed that before, actually, the old woman whose man was a witch. Whose man was a witch?

Oh! The old woman next door has been worrying because she keeps seeing adverts on the tellie about about changing to digital TV. She's saying she doesn't want wires drilled into her walls because they'll make a mess. My dad told her that it doesn't matter because it'll probably won't happen until 2012 and she'll be dead by then. He didn't say that to her though, isn't it? No, he did. She's got, you know, she's old. It doesn't. She knows she's going to die. I mean, it's something we've all got in common. And he's right, why's, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, that, that, that it, that it, that it, that it, that it, that it, that it, that it's that it's that it's that it, that it that it that it that it that it that it's that it's that it's that it's that it's that it's that it's that it that it that it that it that it, that it, that it, that it, that it, that it, that it that it, that it that it, that it that it that it that it that it that it that it that that that that's th th th th thi thi, thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thoooooo thi thi thi thi thi thi th be worrying about it but everybody worries don't you got a little tot of hole in your head you fill with worries you know everyone's got to fill that worry hole with worries and that says worry hole everyone's got to fill the

worry hole a worry hole I know I know in fact you know doctors in a million years we did this up we go humans just have a worry hole went to bed around midnight. Suzanne and I decided to sleep tops and tails because it made we get a bit more room. My dad had cut a bit off the mattress to fit it between two cupboards. It's amazing how much of a difference it makes, just sawing off a bit of the mattress.

You sort of rolled to the edge but the weight of the blankets keeps you in. This is like something from a rolled dowl book. No, it's just, you know, you think anything, you can sort of trim anything, can't you? It normally works, but with a mattress, I mean he only took off, I don't know how long that is, but he's sown off about that much on the mattress and then has stapled it back Amazing. And it just makes so much difference. Of course it does because our batteries is a very carefully designed object. Yeah, you won't think so though, would you? Well, you would if you had a fucking brain in you don't? No, no. No. No. Is he, someone took his brain out of his worry hole? Oh God. He's sort of matching up. So we decide to sleep tops and tailes. It just gets strange. It's so strange. It's so strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's so strange. It's so strange. It's so strange. It's strange. It's so strange. It's so strange. It's so strange. It's so strange. It's so strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's so strange. It's strange. So strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It. It's. It's. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. It. It. It's. It's strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's so strange. It's so strange. So strange. It's so strange. So strange. So strange. So strange. So strange. So strange. So strange. So strange. So strange. So strange. So strange. So strange. It's so strange. It's so strange. It's so strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's strange. It's so strange! Why? He did it to make the room nicer with the cupboards on either side. So he sought a mattress in half. Well not in half. Can you imagine how much hard it must be to saw a mattress in half? What did he use? What a big electric saw? Well, it must have

been, yeah. Because there's a lot of springs and stuff in the side? Jesus. So what happens the springs, they just bring out the side? to their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, so, so, so, so, soo, soo, soo, soo, some, some, some. So, so, so, soo, some. Soo, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, some, some, some. So, some. So, some. So, so, some. So, so, so, so, so, so, some. So, so, so, so, so, so. So, so, so. So, so. So, so, so. So, so. So, so. So, so, so. So, so. So, so, so. So, so, so. So, so, so. So, some. So, some. So, some. So, so, some. So, so, so, so, so, so, their. So, so, so, their. So, their. So, so, so, so, their. So, on top are you they come out the side so it's just got a bit of gaffer tape and a staple gun. Unbelievable! Man alive! It's like... does he run it as a hotel? That's unbelievable. There are squats with better bedding arrangements. Well we've had a bit of a bad thing in our house about mattresses and that because when we first bought our first flat in Salford, you know what it's like when you buy some way, you sort of, you haven't got any money have you, to buy extra stuff that you need. So we bought a bed, right?

But there's that rip off thing with beds where you buy a bed, but a mattress doesn't come with it. Which I've never understood that. Because it's not a bed, without that mattress. It's a car without an engine you wouldn't go there you go That seems cheap, there's no engine in it So we bought this we bought this like, you know Flat and what have you? We bought the bed and then And then uh, oh I haven't got a mattress. So my dad got one from that uncle Alf fella, he's the van that he used to use he up he up he up heat and he's he's he's he's the he's the the he's their flat. their flat. He's their flat. He's their flat. He's their to their to their to to to to to their their their their. He's their their their their their their their their flat. their flat. their flat and their flat. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's their. He's their. He's their. He's their. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's tape. tape. th. tape. that's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. theats. was like travelling round he'd just keep in the back on this mattress. Amazing.

I broke who drove around in the van with a mattress in the back. So Uncle Alph, right? Well tell me about Uncle Alph, right? Tell me about Uncle Alph, tell me about him, the dinghy. Well the bed? Left it in the car again. Oh, blow up the dinghy. Blow up the dinghy. I'm not going to go out and get there. Not at this time of night. So anyway, my dad got me his mattress and it just stunked a diesel. And Suzanne was like, oh, I'm not happy with this. And I think she realized sort of what, sort of family and stuff. She's got herself into it. on her feet when she got the... So now she's always a bit touchy about, you know, mattresses and things. Unbelievable. Uncle Alf, of course, sadly, passed away when he couldn't escape from his sinking ship.

The fire engines were too like, ah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, because they were laughing too much. The man woman next door to me and said, hello Clive. You live in a nursery rhyme? The old man down the road, the old woman next to her, who's a witch, Uncle Alph who lives in a dinky. This is like, it's not a real place. It's like a fucking Narnia. It's a children's TV program. Unbelievable! Oh God!

Oh, God! Oh, God! This broken mattress try to find the golden ticket. Oh God. The old fella down the road talked to my dad a bit. He kept bees in the back garden. Oh for the sake! Here comes the bee man. His Yorkie dog was knocking about when he was messing with him and it ended up getting stung 150 times. For a little bastard! What is he doing?

It's not dead, but it costs a lot to get all the stings out. I don't know why people keep dangerous pets and insects. The amount of gear he had to wear to play with them is barmy. I don't think he's playing with the people. Well, he's not playing with them, is he? What is he doing then? but I think it should get the dog the same protection. Yeah, but that's just it, isn't it? It's like, you can't mix your pets. If you've got a snake, you don't have a mouse. Do you know what I mean?

They don't get on? And it's the same with them. Don't have bees. I can't imagine one bit of the thea. the road. Bees are kept for a very good reason, aren't they? What? For honey? Yeah, no, but like I say, you can buy honey for next to nothing. Where do you think, what do you mean? But where does the honey come from that you buy? Yeah, from some proper bee farm? Let them do it. All he's doing, he's not making loads of honey of honey, of honey, is looking after himself. And the the the the the the the the the the the the th. And th, and th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And thin, thin, thin, thin, th. Where, thi, thi, thi, thin, thin, thin, th. Where's, th. Where's, th. Where do, th. Where do, th. Where, th. Where, th. Where, th. Where, th. Where, th. Where, th. Where, th. Where, th. Where, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. Where, th. Where, th. Where, th. Where, th. Where, th. Where, th. Where, th. Where's, thin, the the thin, the thin, the the thin, the thin, the the. Where's thin, the. Where's bees, get the honey made, kick them out. You eat the honey, that's the point. Yeah I know, but that's honey. You can't eat it and

then it's still there in the jar. It's not magical. Maybe in your word, Uncle Fred had that never-ending jar of honey. But how much honey do you eat? What I'm saying is one of them things in it that you and you can move into a new house buy some money and when you leave that house that only is still in the cupboard you don't eat that much of it so get 10 bees get your honey's worth. Ten bees! Imagine keeping 10 bees! Well just get them to do the graft if you got loads of bees they're not all pulling the weight because I'll leave it the others. No! If if if if if if if if if they they they they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're their their they're the the the the thee that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th th. th th th th th their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the the the the the te te te. they're te. they're they're they're they're they're teee. they're teeeeeeeee. they're theeee. the ththem are pulling the weight if there's no on they. That's what I'm saying. No, it's not a workhouse. Bees don't knock around saying, oh, I got bad back. Anyway, back to this reading from the Twits.

The news covered a story about a fish that knocked about 400 million years ago. It was 33 feet long and had a jaw strong enough to eat a shark in one. All the dangerous stuff seems to die out and yet things that you think wouldn't stand a chance, like worms, are still here, yet they have no legs or eyes. I saw a future human in the news article the other month about the future woman. She had three breasts. They looked all right. Well, no, there's not, I can't see how that's going to ever evolve. No, well they say about how, um, about evolving and that, I read that, um, there's gonna be ugly people, people are starting to go ugly. Yeah, they're still gonna have bilateral symmetry, I imagine. I don't know what that means, but I'll tell you know, I'll tell you know, I'll tell you're tell you're tell you're tell you're they you're they you're they you're they you're they you're they you're they you're they you're they, I'll they, I'll they, I'll tell, I'll tell, I'll they. I'll tell, I'll they, I'll tell you're that, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll that, I'll that, I'll that, I'll that I'll that, I'll that, I'll that, I'll that, I'll that, I'll that, I'll they you're they you're they you're they you're they you're they you're they you're they, I'll they, I'll they, I'll they.a, I'll they.a, I'll tell you're tell you're tell you're tell you're they.a, I'll, I'll, I'll tell you're tell you're going, I'll, I'll, I'll tell you're the look at them and you go, look at the state of that, right? And it'll get to a point when we're all so ugly that no one will have it away and we're

just going to die out. Well, that's not true either. That is the biggest worry. Well, no, so as we evolve and we change, our mindset doesn't change. We're still going, oh I wish we'd look like they did a million years ago. I don't fancy anything. No, but look at, um, look how things do change. But why are we all going to get ugly? I don't understand. It's just the air and stuff, isn't it?

The air or the hair? Yeah, you know, the air that we breathe and the food we eat, everything's changing and we're not going to look that healthy and we're just all going to go ugly. You've only got to look at some stuff that's in the sea and you think look at the state of that. What's that what's their state of that? What's their human evolution? But the stuff in the sea is still propagating? Yeah, but it's still reproducing, so your, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi's thi's thi's thi. th. th. We's stuff. We's stuff. It's. It's.. It's. It's.. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's all. It's th. It's all all. It's thi. It's thooooooooooooooooo. It's thoooo. It's all all all thoo. It's all all tho. It aren't they, in the dark, so they probably can't see what they're having it away with. If they were up on the outside, they'd have died out ages ago. Why? Because they wouldn't fancy the other stonefish or sea slug. Yeah, because

they really are odd looking. I can't remember the name, I this morning. It was filmed 16 years ago. They are mental. They did everything together including the vacking up. Phone calls had to happen twice so they could both have the same chat and they said the same stuff at the same time. Well weird. The bloke who I watched it with, I don't know who that is just some homeless guys that you've just invited into the flat. I'm just someone I've been a the the the the the same. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. I've just. I've just. I've just so so. I've just so. I've just so. I've just so. I've just some some some some some some some some some some some some. I've the the the to the to to their. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their. I've their. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've the. I've the. I've the the the the the to. I've together. I've together. I've together. I've together. I've together. I've together. I've together. I've together. I've the the the their. I've twins. I don't see the point in this. If you're going to have two of something, I would prefer to have two different. Have two different women. If I had two cars, I wouldn't have the same one twice. Same rule with women. I don't even normally like buying the same pair of trainers twice in a row. No, if you're going to have something to have something something something something something something something to have something to have to have some some some some, I. I. I. I. I, if to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have their, I, I'. I'm two two, I'm two, I'm two, I'm two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two, I, I two two two two two two two two two two two two two, I, I, I two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two, I two, I two two two two, I'll tha. I'll thea. I'll try. I'll try. thea. thea. I'll try. I'll thea. I'll thea. I'll two two a woman and then left her and went out of the twin sister. Not worth it. It's not worth the op-evil is it? Because it's exactly the same model. I watched the final of I'm a celebrity get me out of here. It was between singer Jason Donovan, singer

Myline class and singer Matt out of a boy band. I had my money on Donovan but Matt won it. I think it was because of his last task. He ate a fish eye, some grubs, a big fat insect that they have on every year, a crocodile knob and a kangaroo anus. I feel like we've come there Rick to where we entered. It was this time last year when we first started the podcast that we were talking about I'm a celebrity get me out of here and you coined the famous phrase I could eat another night. So it's full circle, it's just the last series finished recently and it was astounding that he had a crocodile knob, he had a crocodile eye, he chewed up and swallowed a kangaroo's anus which I'd, to be honest, I didn't know

was a food stuff. Could you eat any of that? If I had to eat any of them, it would have to be the anus. What, really? Yeah, more than the other stuff. I couldn't eat anything that's still alive. No. I agree. I don't know under what circumstances I'd have to go, right, that's it now, we're not going to survive. The ship isn't coming. There

is nothing on this island I can eat, give me the crocodile's penis. It wouldn't bother me? I wouldn't, I could eat anything. I could do almost all other challenges on that program, but I couldn't cope with the lack of food and the uncomfortable bed. That's all that would do my head, and I drive people spare, winging and complaining. I couldn't cope with any aspect of it except the physical challenges. I couldn't cope with sleeping with people snoring, the things, the things crawling over here. I'm not so not so screamage about that, like snakes and things, that's all right, but the eating would is ridiculous. It's out of the question to eat a worm or a grub. It doesn't concern me, I don't know why I don't see really what the difference in it, the

text is probably the same as lots of other things. What would hunger do you though, do you think, if it really was a choice, if someone, if someone, if someone, if someone, if someone, if someone, if someone, if someone, if someone, if someone, if someone, if someone, if someone, if someone, if someone, if someone, if someone, if someone, if someone, if someone, if someone, if someone, if it was a to, if it was a to, if it was a to, if it was a to to to to, if it was, if it was, if to me, if to me, if I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, thii. the, the, they. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiia. their. their. their. their, their, their, their, their, their, thi. to you though do you think? Would you think I would change? Do you think if it really was a choice, if someone said, and I knew I would die if I didn't eat worms, is that? I think you would, yes. I think you'd complain and you'd winge for a while and you'd try and put it off and you'd hope a ship would turn up, but when it didn't, you'd start chowing down on a bit of a today's......... And us, their, their, their, their, their, th. And, thin, thin, thin, is. I. I. I. I. I, is. I, is. I, is. I, is. I, is. I, is. I, is. I, is. I, is. I, is. I, is. I, is. Is, is, is, is, is. Is, is, is, is. Is, is. Is, is, is. Is, is. Is, is. Is, is. Is. Is. I, is. I, is. I, is. I, is. I, is. I, is. I, is. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I think. I think, I think, I think, I think, I'd. I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I'd. I think. I'd. I'd. I's a good point. I say you've been eating that. How come I look at this? You know you meant to come you know work together as a team in bad time and your I'm being handed an anus. That was the Christmas podcast. We should say the winner of the last competition we did. They can win the podcast book and flannamels and the extras book that's out. Still available. And the CD. The three CD set of the best of the podcast? Is that right? Brand new. If you haven't got that, get out. Maybe you've got some record tokens. Yeah, if you've got record tokens or book tokens, those are the pre-flake things to spend them on.

Or 50 pounds from your auntie. Exactly. That's going by one of those. And the winner wasthat host this podcast. That's the end of the Christmas podcast and the end of This this team for a little while. Yeah It's been great. So it's goodbye for me Ricky Javais. Goodbye from Stephen merchant. Goodbye and happy new year and Goodbye, and goodbye from Carl Pilkington. All right. All right. That was all right. Yeah, that's good. What you're doing now? You got time for a coffee? I can't. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the now? You got time for a coffee or so? I can't know. I'm going to the, you know, you know the orphanage for Terminal Kids. Oh yeah. I'm going down there, I go down there every Christmas and se. Do you? Do you? Do you entertain them. Oh, well. That's lovely for them. Yeah, I've actually. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've the the th. I've th. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. You've written a song for them? Yeah, yeah. Well could we hear a bit? I mean what? I don't want to put you on the spot. We've got the guitar there, is it? Yeah. I've meant this for a kid, there's a brave little guy, he's only about 10, but um, it's just,

it's heartbreaking and he's, ah. Don't cry, it's Christmas. Santa's coming soon. Though you ain't got a mommy or daddy, Santa still loves you. And he's riding on his reindeer to trample down the gloom. So don't cry, it it's Christmas Santa's coming soon Don't cry it's Christmas Santa's feeling kind though you know you'll never see him he's not just in your mind.

And it's not that he's invisible. It's because you're going blind. So don't cry. It's Christmas. Santa's on his way, though he's got a billion children, and he's only got one day. You've got slightly less than that. If I were you, I'd pray. But don't cry, it's Christmas, and it sounds a little little. If I were you, I'd pray. But pray but don't cry it's Christmas and it sounds a little gay. Oh isn't that we can't be quite moving for everyone? Yeah I just I would just I'd ask you

now to not play that song. But I don't I'm not sure it's going to be as well received as you perhaps hope. I think that's better than any gift and I don't really want to give gifts because they're expensive. Sure. The Ricky Javais Show on Guardian Unlimited. to