The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Guardian S5E3 (September 15, 2008)

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

Four more episodes were released on 15 September 2008 through the iTunes Store. This series was released all at once as an Audiobook, almost two hours in length and split into four half-hour episodes. This series differs because they were recorded at the same time. There are no contests or any interaction from the listeners as the previous series contained.

So welcome to episode three of this final Ricky Jovey show series. With me Ricky Jovey's, Stephen Merchant and Carl Pilkington. Have you heard this thing they're doing? The schools have got together. They're tired of obesity being a problem in England. It's a big problem in England. Basically everyone's overweight, particularly kids. There's kids that are like, you know, 10 stone going to infant school and stuff and junior school. It's getting ridiculous. And so now the teachers are allowed to weigh the kids. They're going to weigh the kids, okay. Yeah, get them in there and go, right, get on the scale.

And then they're going to send a letter to the parent saying, please be aware, your child is obese. Now, I don't know what good that's going to do because a teacher will send a letter to a parent, their teacher will send a letter to a parent, go, Dear Mr. Mrs. Barnes, we weighed little Johnny today at school and he's overweight, he's a big fat pig. And they're going to go, yeah we know we know we know he's fat, we have to push him out of the door to get him to school. He makes a popping sound.

We know he's fat. I love that when they say about our child abuse, they show you a picture of a kid and this face is nearly closed up. It's just closed, right? There's no eyes anymore. He's just got a little slits for eyes where his cheeks and his forehead are meeting. Do you know what I mean? And then you see the parents they go, well yeah, they're their parents, their, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thin, and thin, and thin, thin, and thin, and thin, and thi, and their their their their their their thi, and thi, and their their their, and their, and their, and their, and th, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, their their their their thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, and thi, thi, thi's thi's thi, thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thiiii's thii's thiii's thi, and thi, and thi a couple the other day. I saw a dad, giant ass. Yeah. And then I was walking behind them and two kids exactly the same giant arses. Yeah. Now that I don't, I can't believe that that's true. Well, they eat the same things. You can't like a couple of bison it was. Yeah, if they're, yeah, if, look at you! I saw him in the, in Tesco supermarket, you know, they've got like cafes in there now.

Have they? Big fat family in there. The fact that they buying food and they're having a break from buying food to eat food. Just sums up loads of doughnuts. Well, it may have a bit peckished, didn't it? I mean, don't forget, that is the only exercise they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they get they get, they get, they get, they get, they get, they get, they they get, then they wedge themselves in that three-piece suite and they're watching ITV1 for the rest of the night. Yeah. And and eating cakes and things, microwavable stuff. Well they're actually they're watching X-Factor, but they're not they're only watching X-Factor waiting for the adverts for Pringles, Bologna. Exactly, that's what they're looking forward to. They could do that, they could make it a bit harder to shop, couldn't they?

If you walk through the door, it goes, ding, ding, ding, and you go, and for fat people, the shopping moves around a bit. You know what I mean? It's constantly moving away. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you want to, you want to, you want the pie. to get, you. to get, you. to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to go. to go. to, to, to, to, to, to, to. th and then, to, th and, th and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, to go... And, to go.. And, go. And, go. And, go. And, go. And, go. And, go. And, go. And, go. to, go. to, go, go, go, ttttttttt-a. t-a. t-a. thing. thing. t sushi restaurant. They just got to shake it out for the oven fried chips. Unbelievable. Is there some kind of cattle grid device that only fat, is there anything that we could put? Oh you can only get to this? If you can get through this. Right. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah. So the really fattunneling stuff is the fattha thinininininininininininin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin the thin the thin thin their thin their their their their their their their their their their their their their is their their their is their is or is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their their their their their their their th. Is th. Is th. Is th. Is th. Is th. Is th. Is that. Is that. Is that. Is that. Is that. Is that. Is th. Is that. Is th. Is that. Is that. Is that. Is their that. Is their is those sort of tubes that soldiers you see have to crawl through when they're training. And that's to pies.

To have a calrific stuff. It's a cullific section. Yeah. The shop is full of salads. You can go around, you can go around. You can go around, you can go around, you can't eat. Yeah, it would just be forever going, dude, fat bloke stuck in aisle three, they'd have to keep getting them out.

Well, I was stuck behind one on the tube. It got out of the tube, on the escalators. And you know, like on escalators you meant to stand to the right, taking up the full thing, had a tracksuit on, and they always do, you know, never seen a track in its life that track suit and so I stayed behind him because he had no option he saw everyone behind me going what's the old up here? Like a convoy of people going, what's that? And it's him sort of blocking it. He gets to the bit, you know where you have to put your their their, their, their, their, their, their, to, their, to, to, their, to, their, to, tape, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, so, so, so, so, soo, soo, so, so, so, somea, some, some, some, some, some, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, the track, the track, their, their, trak. He. He. He. He's, he's, he's, he's a. He's a. He's a. He's a. Hea. Hea. He's. He's a. He's. He's a. He's a. He's a train. He's a trak. He's, some. to put your ticket in or your oyster card and swipe it, he had to go through the bit for trollies. Oh, the truly luggage. How embarrassing is that? Unbelievable.

But that's when you know, you know what? That's when you go, you know what? Exactly. But I don't there's enough stigma. I think, because you know, political correct. find there's no stigma anymore I laugh about being fat I should be ashamed I should walk down the street if people go fatty that's that's what I want to get me out I I get up in the morning I look in the mirror I go are you fucking fat bastard yeah but no I think I think the same every time I see you I know but look how successful I am but you're right you know people look up to you

you their role model they've got pictures of you on their wall. I often get a role model for people want to be. Now maybe they don't mean they want to make a successful sitcom and be rich and famous. Maybe they mean I want to eat as much as I want and no one saying anything about it. The number of times I've seen you on one of one of their. The their. The their. The their. The their. The their. The their. The their. The their. The their. The their. The their. The their. The their. The th. The th. The th. The th. The th. The th. The thi. The people. The thi. The thi. People. People. People. People. People's people. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. The their. People. The their. People. The their. The their. People. People. People. People. People. People. The. People. They. They's. They's. They's. They're. They're. They're. They're.... They're........................................... the ideal dinner guest. Well, first there'd be nothing else to go around for anyone else. And I'm always early. So well the time anyone, that would be it, yeah, yeah, yeah. The ideal guy is as long as he comes halfway through the meal. So I think they mean, oh it'd be funny because he'd be funny because he'd be very witty and charming. No, he's just be stuff in his face for two hours. Wouldn't. Wouldn't. Wouldn't. Wouldn't. Wouldn't. Wouldn't. Wouldn't. Wouldn't. Wouldn't. I. I. Wouldn't. I. I. I. I. Wouldn't. I. I. I. I. I. I. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. Wouldn't. Wouldn't. Wouldn't. I wouldn't they. I wouldn't be their. I wouldn't they. I wouldn't be they. I wouldn't they. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. So. So. So. So. And the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the it gets in my ears sure yeah I will go deep into a pasta the face is in the bowl I'm I'm actually deaf and blind for four minutes I'm eating yeah it's like we're not horse bolts yeah they can't see or hear anything they just bolt but you know I don't know what we could do really I mean I think

we should be clear here we're not saying're not saying you know we don't encourage we're not saying and fat people are all right we're saying they're wrong. Well yeah but I want to make a no I want to make an important point here. Okay she's that they're gross. Well we're not talking about what we're not talking about just they. This is an important point. This just being you know respectable size, you know a little bit curvy whatever you don't got to be like a size zero. We're not talking about that debate. Definitely not. We're talking about the crazy obesity that's going on. Five foot two you're weighing 14 stone. That's it's a time to probably stop going to eat buffet yeah yeah which is not a competitionally. But you know it's like you said though you're not allowed to call on fatty anymore. Like when I was at school he was a fat kid yeah he did get

you know sort of being picked on on that isn't good. His nickname is Paul Pie or Fatty or or or he'd be it sort of be chased to be beaten up so at least he got a run. Now kids aren't allowed to pick on little fat kids. No I know I know. So he's not running any any any any any any any any any any any any any any any any any any any any any any any any any any any any any any any any any any any any that it any that is that is not that is not that is not that is not that is not that is not to be that to be to be to be to be to be ch to be ch- to be ch- to be ch- to be cha. He's not to be ch- to be ch- to be ch- to be ch- to be ch- he's. He. He. He's. He. He's is. He. He. He. He's is. He. He. He. He. He's is. He. He to be ch. He's is. He's is. He's. He's. He's. He's to be ch. He's to be ch. He's to be ch. He's not the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. He's not. He's not the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. fat kids. So it's not running anywhere and it gets worse. See that maybe that's, is that, is that a good thing? If you pick on a fat kid and steal his lunch money, is that being, is that cruel to be kind? Do you know what I mean? Survival of the Fitist again, isn't it?

But I mean, you know, they go, they go, they're they go, they go, they go, they go, they go, they go, they're they're they're they're, they're, they're, they're, th, th, th, th, Jobson, you picked on a little fatty again and nicked his lunchman. You go, yeah, I thought he was eating too much and I'm worried about his heart. I go, well done Jobson. Yeah. Go pick on some more fat people. Nick all their luncheon. I don't know what the rules are. I mean, I don't know. I don't know. I think I'm allowed to, I to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to told. to to told. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. told. told. told. told. told. told. to go, to go, to go. to go. to go. to go. to to be. to be. to be. I. I'm to be. I. I. I'm to. I'm to. I. I'm to. I'm to. I'm ttoo. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm tto. I'm tto. I'm tto. I'm. I can say fatty because I am fat you know it is remarkable I mean you've seen pictures of Ricky surely Carl in his youth I mean you know a

kind of David Bowie like facing a very sort of strong but anyone who I who's ever seen that to me has said I don't understand they've just genuinely baffled I mean it is weird it's really I don't understand Rick how you've gone from that people should look you up on the web and it doesn't make any sense. Doesn't Jane get annoyed? Don't you feel like she's been ripped off? No, no, well I was 20. How did she not notice? I was 20 and then, and I stayed like that until I was about 29.

And then, then I thought, oh, then I started filling out, then I was sort of like becoming a normal place. Yeah, I was already already thah already thahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. I tha. I tha. I tha. I th. I th. I went th. I went th. I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I was th. th. th. that. that. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Don't, th. Don't, th. Don't, th. Don't, th. Don't, th. Don't, th. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. th. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. th. th. th. th. th. Don't. Don and you were... Yeah, I was already there. No, I've done the eating years then, boy. Now I went from about, I mean in those pictures I was probably like eight and a half stone, too thin. And then I was like nine. And then 30, 31 went to 10 stone and then about a stone a year. I think I was my fatest when, just after. Yeah. So, yeah, I'm like 14 stone now. But it's like, if you look at it on the web or something, compare the two, it's like one of those weight watchers before and after, but the wrong way around.

It's really strange. Yeah, so I feel that I can have a go at fat people. that. So I feel that I can have a thath can have a go of ball people car you can go look at that round-headed bald twat you will never see someone as round-headed and ball as you but and Steve can go oh look Rick look at that fucking twattish goggle-eyed freak out. No no no no how often would that happen? Let's slag Ricky off a bit more can we and Fatos?

Also, I've got to, this is how much I've let myself go. Steve, it's finally happened. I want you to test my trousers there. Feel them. Oh, what is that? That is some pajamas. Are you actually wearing pajamas? I'm actually wearing it happened today. That's the first time. Now was it because of speed you had the go out of the house because you wait.

Now I'll tell you why, right? Okay, the last couple years, I've been wearing comfortable clothes. I never wear a pair of jeans that too tight. I don't wear shoes. It's just comfort for me. I mean, you see me fidget when I put a suit on a suit on the award ceremony. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. the award. the award. I. the award. I. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the last last last last last last. I've. I've. I've the last last last last last the last the last the last last the last the last last last the last last last. I've the last last last last last. I've the last. I've the last. I've the last. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I'm. I'm. I. I never look good in stuff. You see it on the model in the shop window, puts it on you, oh well, okay. So that's great. They look like David Beckham. I put it on, I look like a wallet or something. I mean, it doesn't look good. I've been wearing, as you know, sweat pants, a draw a string. I've got a pair of sweatpants recently that are nearly pajamas. They're so... I mean what is the distinction at this point? I don't know. I don't know. It's quite a thin line. So they're nearly pajamas. Today they're in the wash. So I thought, hold on though, I might as well just wear my pajamas. I should point out that it's not a 1950s pair of pajamas that looks a bit like a suit with a little breast pocket. No. It's you you wouldn't necessarily notice.

No you would. Until you touch and you realize there's a kind of lycra. Yeah, they're very sort of nice and thin. They look like a track suit bottom. But here's the difference. I've even done away with a draw. the drawstring.e. my body, you know, I did squeeze into jeans. I did, you know, wear, I was, I was fashionable, but... Did you, I can't imagine you going in shops though and looking through racks of clothes and, did you do all that stuff? Steve, I look good in anything mate. That's the difference. Now doesn't matter. Armani could dress me. Doesn't matter. He's not, I mean not that you'd want to. I can't believe

I keep getting offered from people like him and designers. Call my agent saying, does he want us to dress him for the Emmys? I do, go the Golden Globes. Well exactly. One, I think, why do they wonder, is that going to put sales up? Is someone going to be watching that and go, hey, that bloat looks short and fat and sweaty, get me Armady on the phone. But maybe that's someone from the Emmys we mean can we make sure he's dressed yeah can we

tuc him in and leave his slippers at the hotel? Exactly. But yeah so I don't do it anywhere because I'm mildly embarrassed we went around those sort of luxury lounges where they give you things they give you these like suits like Armani Hugo Boss they just giving you suits. I'm like what what their their their their their their their their they're they're their th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th and I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin' th. th. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. took. took. took. took. tucked. tucked. tucked. tucked. tucked. tucked. tucing. Can we can't tuce. Can we can't they're they're just giving you suits. I'm worried about this. Oh yeah. And just going on? Yeah, when before like the M is every every... What a fuck? I was out there. No one notified me. Maybe he didn't get an invite. What do you mean I didn't get an invite? Yeah. Yeah. I was mildly embarrassed around. Then I saw like Helen Mirren the the sopr not... Yeah. But she has, she's got more money than me. She don't need to go and get free stuff.

She's the Queen. She's the richest woman in the world. Fucking out. Yeah, you've been, you've missed out, Steve. And they've measured, they measure and everything. Oh, I've taken. Oh, I've got a drawer full of the best sunglasses in the world, one-off editions of these beautiful sunglasses where I'm embarrassed not to take something. They're incredible.

They just give you all these things, you know. I feel like the kid in the pie piper, remember when the pie piper, as revenge, he takes all the kids to a sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thi, their, thi. I. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm their, I'm their, I'm their, I'm their, I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t piper as revenge he takes all the kids to a sort of magical land inside a rock where there's just sweets and fun but the little lady boy you could get in there he's left behind in the rat, formerly rat infested town. But yeah the last laugh they couldn't go and get locked in the cave. Yeah but he didn't they weren't locked it was a magical the the ca the cave he wanted they were were were were were were were the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they was they was they. was they. the the the they. was they. they. It was they. they. It was they. It was their was was their was was their was their was they. they. It was they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. was they. was they. was they. was they. was they. was they. was they. was they. they. they. they. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the little little little? Yes, famously. Or was he a pedophile? That's got to be better than being stuck in the town with rats and old people. At least you get sweets. And a puppy. I worried then for a minute. I thought, oh, that's libelous.

What, the Pide Piper was a pediophile. Excuse me, it's the Pied Piper here. We are, we represent the Pied Piddleer, the Pide Piddle, the Pide Piper. Yeah, I mean, I, you know, I used to, I used to care about fashion. But I also had little mistakes. If you're being creative with clothing, not everything's a winner. Yeah, you can't always look good even, even when I thought I looked good in everything. So what was to just briefly, what's what we are we talking? Well, obviously student, that's when I sort of did the... And what was your default look? New romantic. I mean, you know, the first thing I did when I got to college, dyed my hair and a bit of eyeliner but you know maybe look a bit a bit sort of you know gorilla. Then I got signed when I was in a pop band, a failed pop

band very quickly but you know I bought designer clothes but then it all went okay so the poor years from when I was about I know 22 to 29 I got a job. Four years starting in 22, you had the high life. Yeah, by then. Yeah, and so we lived in that awful little place where I talk about it live where, you know, there was no toilet so often I'd we in the sink. And so, great please.

So I thought, well, I didn't have any money at all And I used to wear tracks it all the time then, because I used to run around London. I was on the doll. We had 16 quid between us a week to spend, right? So there was a lot of chili con carni being eaten and rice, and just filling up on rice and I'd run everywhere. And I'd run everywhere. Yeah, I'd just run, I'd get up and I'd run places. I'd run around the park. to, to, I'd th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. their. th. th. I'd. I'd. I'd. their. their. I'd. the. I'd their. their. their. their. their. their. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the. the. the. trie. trie. toda. true. true. true.e. true.e.e.e.e.e. true. true. toda. toda. today. t run around the park, I'd run to visit friends who had jobs, I'd run to art galleries, and I'd run London. That was like my job. Why were you running it? It sounds like it's the life of a smackhead. I was running everywhere. I was super fit. In my 20s, I'm not only sort of like a thing, but fit as well. I'd run at least five to ten miles a day. And workout I'd do. I'd th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho. th. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. that was, th. that was, th. that was, th. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I was. I was, th. I was, th. I's. I was, th. I was, th. I was, th. I was, th. I was, th. I was, th. I was, th. I was, twice a week I'd so I just I mean honestly anything but a job yeah because I was trying to be a pop star and I told myself no I'm an artist I can't go possibly get a job it's Bohemian I just

eat rice well I was fine it was absolutely fine I never but I never thought oh this is really annoying I got a job I thought you know I haven't got a job I'm doing this I to do in a the the the I the I the I the the I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I'm I th I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm th th th to th to th th th to to thr- I'm thr- I'm thrown I'm throu I'm to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I th I th I th I th I th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thr I thr the I thrown I the thi the the try try try try try to the to the to thi thi thi to thi thi job, I'm doing this, I'm doing a banner. You were signing on, were you? Yeah, well I couldn't, I couldn't because I hadn't had a job before that, so I think we got a rent paid and then we'd split Jane's money that she only got a rent paid. And you know, we were left with, as I say, I remember it being, I had some you know old ones and you know to go to jumble sales, it's fine, okay. But I remember once we were getting new curtains and the old ones that were in this flat were like sort of a chintzy sort of goldish sort of lie with a thread in them with sort of leafy pattern, very sort of thick. What kind of late 70s style? Yeah exactly and Jane was good to took the old old th th th th to to to th to go to go th to go th th th to go th th to go th th th th th th to go th to go th out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out. I tho thoom tho th. Do th. Do thoom-so. Do thoom-so. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do thin thin the the. Do the and then was sort of leafy pattern, very sort of thick. What kind of late 70s style? Yeah, exactly. And Jane was going to took the old ones down.

I went, don't throw him away. I'll make a suit out of those. Yeah, of course. So Jane just sort of nodded and went, okay, and she went to to work. So I thought, well, thii's to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thought. I used to make everything. I used to make, I remember made shelves once. I found three bits of wood in a skip, okay? And I sort of put two vertically and put one across the top, right? So it was like, you know, a goal post, right? I thought a nail in each side it sort

wobbled I put it against the wall and it wouldn't stand up it's sort of like leaned like I made a parallelogram so what I did I put another nail in it and I tied a bit of string to it and pulled the string tight I pulled it across the room and put another nail in the window sill and so now there's this shelf that wants to fall over but can't because it to to the to to to to to the to to to to the to the to to to the to the to to the to the to the the to be to be to be to be the to be to be to be to be to be. toe. I's the the wo. I'm toe. I'm toe. I'm toe. the the the woing. the woing. the woing. the wo. the w. the w. the w. the w. the w. the w. the w. the w. the w. the w. the w. the w. the w. the w. the w. the w. the w. the w. the w. I I's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the theck. theck. their one one one. teck. toeck. toeck. toeck. they. theck. they. theck. so now there's this shelf that wants to fall over but can't because it's tied to another wall. So that was a- So you spent most of this the 80s running around London and collecting debris and making your home up.

But you sound like a wumble. Yeah, but I wasn't shaped like one until I was 32. And you were making everything except a living. Yeah, exactly right. So, so I thought, right, how do I make a suit? I thought, well, I used to go to the library and learn. I don't know, I can make a suit. I don't want to do it like other people. I do it differently.

So my method for making this made-to-measure suit, was I got one of the sets of curtains and laid them on the floor, I laid down on the curtain and drew round my legs. Okay. Hang on, so you were making the trousers first? Yeah, so I thought, hold on, that's just one side of the trouser. So I laid down another curtain, and drew around my legs again, I thought right I cut those out so now I've cut out two leg-shaped curtain pieces right I put them together sewed them up of course it was nowhere big enough of course because I'd never no room right so I tried to squeeze into them I mean they look like jodpers they look like tights okay so I thought oh this is really hard right I pulled them off again right I thought I am I'm they they they they they they th th th th th th th th th th am am am am am am am am to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to the to to to the the to the to to the to the to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the the the to to to to to to toooooo teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee too toe to to the the really hard, right? I pulled him off again, right?

I thought, how am I going to make the jacket? I didn't, I just used one of the curtains as a cape. So I thought, I mean, I looked like a gay hamlet. I mean, it's ridiculous, right? So what I did was, uh... Did you squeeze into the treasures? I sort of squeezed, I couldn't wear them, I swear. So what I did was, um, I rolled it up and shoved it under the chair. What, you rolled up, what, sorry? The suit I made. Jane came in about a few

days later and was that, so that's where I had to go out the suit and the idea, and she pulled it out and you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, th died, th died, th died, th th th th th th th thed, thed, th th th thed, I rolled it, I rolled it, I rolled it, I rolled it, I rolled it, I rolled it, I rolled it, I rolled it, I rolled it, I rolled it, I rolled it, I rolled, I rolled, I rolled, I rolled, th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thed, I rolled, I rolled, I rolled, I rolled, I rolled, I thed, I thed, I thed, I thed, I thed, I thed, I thed, I thed, I thed, I thr- round his legs to make some houses. Firstly, why did you not just throw it away? Why did you stash it under the... I don't know, because I thought... And you were watching TV on the sofa and she was a foot higher than you. And she thought, what's going on here? And there was a suit stuffed? I mean, why not just thrown away? I don't know. That's what you's... Why tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. thuuuuuuuu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. that... Why, that... Why, that... Why, thooom. Why that... Why thoom... Why thoom... Why tho... Why tho... Why tho... Why tho... Why tho... Why thi. Why thi. Why thi? Why thi. Why thi. Why thi. Why thi? Why thi. Why thi. Why thi. Why thi. Why thi. Why thi. Why thi? Why thi. Why thi. Why thi. Why, why thi. Why thi? Why, why thi? Why thi. Why the. Why the. Why thea? Why thea? Why thea. Why thea. Why thea. Why did thea. Why thea? Why the. Why the., isn't it? You think, oh, maybe... Again, we were talking before about the fact that you used to be very thin and now you're very fat. And it seems like two different people. Not very fat. Well, most people would say you are. But, um, wearing black. It seems as though

you were also an idiot when you were younger. I mean, like not occur to you that you couldn't make your own shoes because I've always thought I can do anything I've always thought I can make a suit Of course I can make a suit I'll be brilliant at that I'm like a suit and it took me it took me getting fat to realize the world doesn't lay down to you yeah I thought well I never be fat I will never be fat I would never be fat you know look at me you know so I was but even as you were getting fat that must be the mirror no at least I can put eyes on myself as soon as I started getting fat I started saying I was fat before I was fat yeah because when you've been really thin you know yeah I mean I couldn't get anywhere near those curtains now oh I couldn't I they wouldn't go past me ankle now you kept them yeah yeah yeah yeah you and you sit of course if someone comes the door and you can't be to to to to to the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the thooooo. they. I they. they. I they. they. I they. I'm they. I'm the they. I the sit of course if someone comes to the door and you can't be bothered to reach for your pajamas, maybe just wrap the curtain around you. I just

just pop the curtain around me, yeah. I could probably make a pair of pants out of them. I mean soon I will be in nappies, which would be easy to make. So, but when I'm older and Jane goes just off to where those pillowcases. cases doesn't matter doesn't matter I need changing. Oh. Food's too nice though, isn't it? That's where the problem is. Well yeah, some food. Well no, a lot of food, more foods, nice now. I find that I eat because I go, that's nice rather than I'm hungry.

Oh yeah, I stopped eating when I nice rather than I'm hungry. Oh yeah I stopped eating when I was hungry when I was about 29. Yeah I used to oh I got to eat now I've got other stuff to do we got to eat yeah shove it in right and then that I've never I've never only yet because I was hungry for many many years. But it's not just that either is it like we've got mates who've had a kid now. And that's eating stuff. Seriously, I'm not joking, that is having stuff that I've never had and it hasn't even got teeth yet. I mean, what sort of things are you talking about? I only had that. I had mango about a year and a half ago. And it's all right. I mean, it's not one of my favorite. Is it fruit, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that that that that that that's that's not, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that. that. that, I's that. that. that, I's that. that, I's that, I's that. that, I's that. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's not. that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not th. thi. thi. that's not thi. thi. that's having that's having that's having that's having that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not there's so much other fruit that's better. Go on, what's better than the mango? The banana springs to mine the strawberry? Just, I like, I like

the ones that you can just go, I'm nipping out, what can I take with me? I'll have an apple. Well, the banana's the best because it's got its own little carry case. Yeah, yeah that's saying that you see that's why th th th th th th th th th th th thi thi th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi, thi, thi, that's why that's why that, that's thi. that's thi. I'm their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thr. thr. thr. thr. throwne. throwne. throwne. throoe. throooomoomorrow. thronge. thronge. thronge. thronge. thin. the. the why we've got more fat people in supermarkets now you can buy cut up apple in a bag. Really? That is pretty lazy, isn't it? That is lazy. Again, I've got to confess that I have my portions of fruit first thing in the morning liquidized. I have a smoothie, I put all the fruit I drink it. I'm not chewing. If you want me to eat fruit, I'm not chewing it. At the end of the day, food's nice. There's loads of it. Well, no, there is. In the Western world there is, yeah.

That's what I'm saying. It's the western world that's fat. Yeah, but this is the whole point, isn't it, about the gluttonous west is that we. Well there's all the drinking the fizzy lemonade and the clothes of it and now every time I buy something it's a two for one so you end up buying more than you need and then Suzanne's always saying eat this am will you it's going off. I don't even want them. Why is she bought so much ham? Because it's two for one? Because it's two for one. We don't need two for one. I know you mean they eat it. Yeah they never do half price they do two for one. Exactly. They did it with a meal once. We were in LA and we had a meal and they said you know it's happy out it's two for one. So I went well can we just have one each and we've got to

give it to you and they brought two meals for everyone. It was ridiculous. That's mad. I am. Of course you. I'll tell you another you another you another you another you another you another you you you you you you. I you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you to to you you. to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. I tho. I th. I that's. I told. I to. I to. I to. I to. I'm. I'm to. to. I'm to. I'm their. I'm their. I'm. Of course you. I'll tell you another problem that I've worked out. It might make a slight difference on fat people. Don't put a light in a fridge. Because that's just that's just that night when they get peckish. They can see everything that's in there. Don't put the light there. You don't need a light in a fridge. There's no lights in other cupboards. what's that at the back? Get rid of a light that'd eat less. That might be some logic in there. That's interesting. What's it there for? Tell me what that light is there for?

They say, turn off your standby light, yet you've got a light in your fridge. Well, no, it is showing you wear tomatoes. It's turned off when you shut. The light's is that the free market, capitalism being what it is, which has allowed companies, food manufacturers to make them full of more salt, more fat in order to attract you, in order to make more profits, is actually resulting in obesity. I was in a cafe, right? I normally like to go in there and I might have beans on toast, um, cheese on the cup, you might have a bit of cheese, yeah cheddar on top.

Only if the offer I sometimes sort of think I shouldn't have it so I'll only have it if they says you want cheese. Oh okay. And then it's down to their problem. Do you know what I mean? It's kind of like they made me have that. So anyway I'm sat in there. Look how Ricky's glazed over just thinking about cheese. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I's. I's. I'm. I'm. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I shouldn't. I shouldn't. I shouldn't. I shouldn't. I shouldn't they. I shouldn't. I shouldn't. I shouldn't. I shouldn't. I shouldn't. I shouldn't. I shouldn't. I shouldn't. I shouldn't. I shouldn't. I shouldn't. I s. I s. I s. I s. I s. I s. I s. I s. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'. I'm. I'll. I'm. I'm. I'm th. I'm th. I'm s. I'm sed. I'm sed. I'm sed. I'll th. I'm sed. I'm sed. I'm sed. I'm sed. I'm sed. I'm sed. I'll sed. I'll came in, I had a little top hat on, suitcase and red jeans, dead happy he was. I think he just turned up to London, it's his first day out and he's probably thinking, I can't believe me, look at the choice here. Anyway, the difference was... The difference was, he went in and he said, have you got any porridge? He asked for two bowls, for the price of one. It the, the, the, the the one, the the one, the one, the the the the one, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th, th. Sue, th. Sueat, thin, their, thinat, thin, thin, thin, the suitcase, the suitcase, the suitcase, the suitcase, the suitcase, their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. suitcase, their, suitcase, th. suitcase, the, the, suitcase, the, the, the, suitcase, the, was was the, was thea, was thea, was thea, was their tapea, was suitcase, was suitcase, was suitcase, was suitcase, was suitcase, was tapa, was suitcase, was suitcase, was the their their their thea, suitcase, was that,, the difference was he went in and he said he got any porridge.

He asked for two bowls, for the price of one. It was a little bit of a... Like a faffle. Yeah, a little bit because he couldn't understand why. You've got loads of porridge, give me two portions. But what I found interesting is, he didn't want to go for the donut or the pastry, because in his country they don't have it. So food where he's from is for what food is for, isn't it, giving you energy. Here it's not about that is it? No. You go, oh,

I'd love a little muffin. So I just found it interesting, that's all my point is that he could have anything, he's come over there, he's in London. You've got loads of stuff on offer. He still wanted his porridge. Do you think that, well firstly do you think perhaps he had travelled from the past in some kind of time machine? But secondly, do you think that now that you'll have his first taste of a donut, or a pan of choccala, do you think you'll get the taste of it next time he's that's how it works, I mean, why do I like? And next time I want it, and they go, hello, usual. No, shove the porridge, I want a donut. That's what happens, isn't it? You try one.

Uh, it's like the people I'm talking about who's had a kid and always giving it mango. They haven't let it add a burger yet. Uh-Hu-Hu-Iaway one that's pretty soft. It's all about a mixture you need a mixture in your body. You need to have. Like I've told, said to you before, I get an urge for things that I don't even know about. Do you know what I mean? What do you want to want to? Anything? The one that thinks you need that. The one. the the the the the that. thin. that. that. that. thin. that. to. to. to. to. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to have. to have. to have. to have. to have. to to have to have. to have. to have. to have to have to have to have. to have. to have. You. to to have. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. to to to to to to to to to have. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It's to to to to to to to to to have a to have a to have a mixture. It. It's to have a to have a to have a to have a to have to need need a to need to need a mixture. It's to need to have I pass them in a supermarket I go I don't want them for a bit yeah that I think you need that and I go mad I'll eat a full packet in a day I'll eat like six and get belly aching that and I know I shouldn't overdo it with them but it's just like the body he's way because I wouldn't normally buy him. My favorite fruit, I like an apple, love a banana. I've got into blackberries.

Yeah, quite expensive, but a bit of a treat. Have people paid money for this podcast? A man just listing his favorite fruits? Yeah, Graham, not included. But... Are you a friend of the Gusbury? Don't know if I've had them. You've never had a Gusbury? They're very, very tart. They are very bizarre.

What do you look like in... Like a green testicle. They even got the little hair on it. A Gusbree is like a really crispy, a true, they've today tha'a'lipe' th' th' th' th'er, th'er, th'er, th'er, th'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'n'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'er'a'er'er'er'er'er I mean you've got to have it in pies with sugar and stuff. I bet my godson's had one. He's only one and a half. I bet he's already had a Goosbury and I've never had one in my life. Right, he'd never said it before and he said Goosbury. He decided that's the way to pronounce it. A Goosbury. What's that? What's that's the thing. I think there's plenty of fruit out there, bananas apples, oranges.

If you get a little bit sick of oranges, who? I'm a big fan of the Satsuma. Easy to peel. What I don't like is the big oranges you have to peer them and you get it on you. I'm the one's eating when I'm under the water afterwards and you're clean again. If I'm going to have a bath. Yeah. Then that's what you do. So it's two treats, it's an orange and a bath.

I mean, that's amazing. That's an amazing to look forward to. Don't you think you've blown that for when you're old, when you're 74? And I go, I tell you, the the t t ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the treat. treats, it's treat. treats, it's a treats, it's a treats, it's a treat, it's a treat, it's a treat, it's a treat, it's treat, it's tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. treat. treat. treat. treat. It's. It's a quick enough. There's loads of stuff we're fruiting now. Shower gel with Kiwi in it. Tell them you, they can't get rid of it because it's too much. They just know, what can we do with all this stuff? We'll stick it in there. Orange juice.

I've had orange juice sort of cordial. It tasks a bit weird, isn't orange? Orange and pineapple. You can't get rid of the stuff. What's up with that?