The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Guide To... S2E2 "Law and Order" (December 1, 2009)

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

It was announced on Gervais's blog that the first episode of the new series, The Ricky Gervais Guide to... Society, was recorded on 6 September 2009; it was released on 3 November 2009. The second audiobook of the new series, The Ricky Gervais Guide to... Law and Order, was released on 1 December 2009. A third audiobook, entitled The Ricky Gervais Guide to... The Future, was released on 29 December 2009. A fourth audiobook, entitled The Ricky Gervais Guide to... The Human Body was released on 26 January 2010. The fifth and final audiobook of the second season, entitled The Ricky Gervais Guide to... The Earth was released on 23 February 2010.On 12 June 2010 The Ricky Gervais Guide to... The World Cup released. This was followed later that year by a podcast entitled "A day in the Life of Karl Pilkington" following a format more associated with the Ricky Gervais Show podcasts. The Ricky Gervais Guide to... Comic Relief was released as a free podcast on 6 March 2011 in aid of Red Nose Day (18 March 2011).

This is audible. good law is good order. A seemingly simple concept, but the realities of making those good laws and enforcing them have troubled society since time in memorial. From community service to capital punishment, everyone has a view on how we protect the innocent and punish the guilty. Is one man's law and another man's tyranny? Is justice available to all? Does prison work? Should we lock up lawbreakers and throw away the key, or does that fail to address the root causes of crime? To discuss these questions and more, I'm joined by Stephen Merchant, award-winning writer and graduate of the University of Warwick. Hello.

And Carl Pilkinton, look at that fucking head. Right. So, Carl, law and order. No, they're interested in it to be honest. What do you mean? I've got no interest in law and order whatsoever. It's not part of my life. That's the problem. You keep picking topics that don't buzz me. Of course they do.

Well let's talk about this. Let's talk about this. You're a man quite obsessed with law and order. Based on what? Well, law and order is basically to protect the innocent, isn't it? I mean, when we think of law and order, we usually think of crime and punishment, but it's all about protect our person. We have the right to walk the streets streets streets streets streets streets the streets the streets the streets the streets the streets the streets the streets the streets the streets their their their their their their their the have the right to walk the streets without getting mugged. When someone wrongs us, we want justice. It's fundamental. And you

do. You were sitting in your old flat in London, phoning me every day that you wanted to go downstairs and smack their heads in for being late and shouting around and being drunk and you could hear it. You wanted some justice. Yeah but nothing would have happened if it called someone up and said there's people doing noise pollution. Even though there's a law for noise pollution now it's not really taken seriously is it? So you are, see but you are concerned with law and order. You're not concerned with law and order. No, but you're not.

to write. He's moved here now. down the road from us. So you're having a better life. You shouldn't have to move because of some noisy people. No you shouldn't, but I'm saying you were stressed. No one cares though. And you wanted justice but you thought you couldn't get justice so you moved away. Yeah. So I dealt with it in my way. Yeah.

I hated them. Right. Because they didn't care about anyone. put up with it. No one cared. So what did it feel like every night when you were trying to watch tele and it's hot and you got the window open or? Yeah, you could just hear stuff and you know, it's that thing of, you get a lot of tourists in London. So they're talking, it's not even as if you can listen into what they're saying and have a view on their opinion because they fall. So you can't, it, it, it, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, you, that, th, you can't, th, you can't, th, you can't, th, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you can't, you, th. It, you, th. It, th. It, th. It's, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, the the the the the the their, you can't just, you can't just, you can't because if you can hear what people are saying you go yeah switch to telly off. I mean that's a good point. I don't want to hear anyone talking. I tell you what I really feel sorry for people with like neighbors from hell because it's I mean I'm not saying it's justified but I can't see why people go mental with someone when they're bullied or you know constantly harassed and no one to the police and go the police there's their their they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they's they's they's they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're their their their their their their their their their their their their they. I they. I they. I they're not their they're not they're they're they're they're they're can't go to the police You can't go to police and go there's a broken store

He's got his television's loud. He's always pissed he's shouting about if you don't do something. I'm gonna go around there And crack his head in and you're the one that you're the one that is it your own fault for living in central London Well, not really because it wasn't always like that. I'd been the the their their their their their their their their their their their they they they they they they they they they they their they their their they their they they their they're they're they're they're their their their their they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they's always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their they's was always their their's was their's was their's their's their's been their's been their's been always their's always their's always their their their their their that's always always their things. I was was always their that's always always always that's always always that's always always always that's always their that, Goodfellers turn up, they sat down there making a racket, what can you say to him? You call down, they can't hear the phone ringing. Could I just say that Goodfellers wasn't a pizza joint. He called the loud people that because he thought they were gangsters, because they did what they wanted and sat outside. So, uh, but it's louder, I thi's, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that, that, that, that, their, the, you can't, their, the, the, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you, you, you, you, you, you can't, you can't, you. You, th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that, that, that, that, that, that, their, their, their, their, their their their their their, here. Whenever I go away on holiday I always notice that it's always a couple of decibels higher. Really? Always. Like the sound of bird noises and that are louder abroad. Because they're trying to get a nut above the noise of the noisy people.

No, that's not true. They are. Where was it? Where was it? Minorka or something. It was like lying there, if it wasn't a noisy local, it was the people in the villa next door. If it's not them, they suddenly collected the bottles from the bottle bank. That's a nice noise when you're just relaxing. The bottle bank. Pop that there where the villa is. So that was a racket. There was always something, there was just so much noise. You can't can't escape, it's the one thing you can't escape noise. Your ears never turn off. They're always there. But I've told you before, wear ear plugs if you have to. I don't like the earplugs if you have to hear the sound of his own art.

Well there's always a sound. Like your eyes you can close their eyes, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th, their, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thuice, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thu. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thu. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their ears, their eyes, their ears, their ears, their their ears, their their their ears, their, their, their, their, their, the time and if I don't like the look or something yeah I don't like the look of something they they close before even I've thought about if I want to see it or not. What do you think exactly? I just mean if if I see something on the tele or like one of those casualty programs or something yeah it's like my eyes know that I'm not the look of it no no no so they close quicker. My ears, they seem to be interested in everything. Even though I'm not. No, what I mean is you can't close your ears? Yeah, you can't, that's what I'm saying. Exactly, yeah. You can never, no, I know the idea that your eyes are closing when you were, oh, I was

watching that. What are you right? Have you ever closed something that you're going to think you're going to? Your eyes are making any decisions. You're making decisions. You turn away because you don't like tea and tell you don't turn away and then you're going, what was that? And your eyes going, you don't want to know. You do not know what you're saying anyway. I'm just saying anyway. Mmm, lovely pair of tits. I just mean noise pollution is the one thing you can't escape.

It seems to me from what you've said so far is that these things happen to you and you feel wronged but you either want to close your eyes and ears so you can't tell it's happening but it's carrying on or move away from it so you're not a victim anymore but it's carrying on. But a thing about law and order is you don't have to take it, you don't have to walk away. You can do something about it, you can combat being wronged. And I suppose we associate that with justice. It's not just punishment or retribution, it's justice.

You want to know that you're valued. You know, it is, well this is a big issue isn't it, Rick? Is one life more important than another? Um, if you've transgressed in a terrible way, you've murdered or raped whatever, and I say I'm going to put you to death because you are, you do not belong in this society, you, you are too transgressive. What, what's to stop me? What is stop me? Why is that a morally wrong thing to do for? Well this is an interesting argument isn't it? Whether capital punishment. I don't agree with execution, state execution of someone whatever they've done for

many reasons but the main one is I don't think you can have a state that shows that sort of violence against an individual, whatever they've done, and expect people to accept the very code and morality of treating people equally and not showing violence towards them. Carl, where is you stand on the tricky issue of capital punishment? You've given it some serious thought, I imagine. So what, you're asking me, like, should he be on death roe? Well, should someone flip the switch?

Send him to his death in the electric chair. Um, yeah. Yeah. That was the least considered. Yeah. I mean, I saw a little bit of flicker behind the eyes. I don't know what, well, just take us to the mental process that you, that you, that you, that, um, the, the, the, the switch, the switch, the switch, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th, that, the switch, the, that, thi, the switch, the, the, the, the switch, the switch, the switch, the switch, the switch, the switch, the switch, the switch, the switch, the switch, the switch, the switch, the switch, the switch, the switch, the switch, the switch, the switch, the least considered. I mean I saw a little bit of flicker behind the eyes. I don't know what, just take us to the mental process that you that you arrived at the yes with there. So you know I remember that because there was quite a brief gap there.

I just was thinking it's not a nice job if you work in there and you've got to flick the switch. Right. But I was wondering if it's possible to just do it so it's linked up to someone's switch. What do you mean? When they put the lights on or something? So it's like sometime tonight when the sun goes down and people start putting the lights on in their house, it could happen. But we don't know what household, they might be away on holiday, so you might get an extra two weeks. But at least that way because for me the worst you say that. This is not the question I asked was whether we were talking about the morality of whether you put someone to death. But he was thinking about literally the

practicality of flipping the switch. Well no I think that you're aren't you talking about the integrity of the person who knows or knows not that they put someone to death, like a firing squad. Like what they used to do sometimes in the First World War when someone, they had six riflemen, but five were blanks and one had a, and no one knew if they were the person that killed them. Yeah. So but what my point is you do agree that someone should be put to death for a terrible crime, do you? You've got to have something there to stop them people who don't care, aren't you? Nature's done it in a way with bees. They've gone we've give you a weapon but if you use it you die and that's like the bee. So they're worried they're gonna go I'm not gonna do it. We do, won't we have people saying one you can't do that. That's step one. the the step, that's the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their theyy.ea. their they. their their their their their their their their their the'm not bothered about the law. I'm not bothered about annoying people. Yeah, that's true. So for them, at the end of the scale, you've got the chair and

you stick the wires on their head and will fry your head. And they go, oh God, I don't want that. That doesn't always work, does it, with being put to death. Because as as deterrent, most of crimes aren't just crimes of passion, thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. And most crimes, that, that, thi. And most crimes, thi. And most crimes, thi. thiu. thi. thi. thi. thiolome. thiolome. thiats. thiats. thiats. thiats. And most crimes, thr-ananan. thiol-an. And thiol-in. And thi. And thi. And thi. And their. And their. And their. And their. And then, and you. And then, and you. And then, and you. And then, and you. And then, and you. And their. And their. And, and you. And, I. And, I. And, I. And, I. And, I's and their. And, I's and thi. And, I's thi. And, I's thi. And toooereranananananananananananananananananananan't. And toea. And thr-I's thr-I's thr-a. And their. of the most crimes of passion where a deterrent doesn't count because you see red and you go crazy and you're angry and you kill someone. I think a lot of those crimes, the deterrent isn't relevant. You know, things like armed robbery maybe where it's a risk, what can I get versus what my crime may be. Maybe then it might be a deterrent. But then, of course, if you start to get a capital punishment for crimes that aren't murdering someone, then that thing brings in you might as well murder them because then you've got more chance of getting away with it. So it's very delicate what you make people be killed for.

You've made an interesting and reasoned argument there, Rick, I'm looking forward to hearing the repost. Right. When I was younger, I used to nick Mars bars. Okay. Right. Now, I did that then, and I knew that even if I get caught, what's the worst that's going to happen? Yeah. It's not going to, I'm not going to go to prison over that. But it was worth nicking because of Mars bar.

They were like 45 pence. Sure. Chewing about. Yeah, they like caramel coating chocolate, last ages. Quite hard. Oh I know, yeah, you suck the chocolate off and then you've got to chew them until they, yeah, I know, yeah. Now I could afford them. I had 10 pence a treat. There's a lot going on in there, a lot of chocolate, a lot of caramel, like 45 pence. Yeah. So to me... That was like an advert that went wrong just to the end. They started off good, they go, this fly's good, he said, you're going there. Mars there's a lot in it, it's like, oh good, keep going, yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's 45 pens. But it's But when I was younger that was worth a risk because I knew that I'd be getting something worth 45 pence for free.

You weren't going to get the electric check. I wasn't going to get done. So the stakes were high, the risk were low. So the stakes were high, the risk were low. The stakes weren't high. The stakes are what can happen to you and the risk. The stakes and the risk are the risk are the same the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the is is is goings are thinks are to be to be thinks are thinks are toeatks are toe. toe. thinks are toe. toe. toe. I was is is toe. I is toe. I is thi. I is thi. I is thiks are thiks are thi is is is is is is the is is is the is.a is.a is.a is.a is.a iseses are the isks are the isks are the iss are the iss are the iss are the the the the the the thinks are the the thanks and thanks and risks are the thanks and risks are the thanks and risks are the thanks and thanks and thanks are thanks are the thanks are thanks are thinks are the were high the risk below. I think he's just trying to sound cool. The stakes weren't high. The stakes are what can happen to you and the risk. The stakes and the risk are the same. The risk is the stake, okay? Unless you're nicking me from a butcher's, then the stakes are high and the risk is low. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about but what you mean was what the game was a lot. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the risk is. the risk is the risk is the risk is the risk is the risk is the risk is the risk is the risk is the risk is the risk is the risk is the risk is the risk is the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the risk is stakes is. the the the the risk is stakes are. the risk is. the risk is. the risk is. the the risk is. the game was high, the game was high. Yeah, the risk was low. But it's not, it wasn't, was it?

Because 45P isn't a lot, unless you're a kid. It is when you're a kid. It is when you're a kid. But they surely getting caught for Nickin' a Mars bar's higher when you're a kid. No, it's not, look. You see, most of the time. the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It wasn't, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was. It was. It was. It was. It was. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. But it's where I did my paper around. Now the thing is... So you're looking from your own boss? Ah, but listen, I used to wake him up. Oh, that is terrible. No, because I... That is that awful. That is really bad. Because that sweet old man, he used to give... It's not an old man. I used to go around and wake him. He hated a run in that place. that he ate he that he that he that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is not that is not that is not. That is not. That is not. That is that is that is that is that is that is that is. That is. That is. That is. That is. That is. That is. That is. That is. He. He that is. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is the the that is the that that that is the that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is his best asset. Not really. Because I was nicking from him.

I know how much he made on papers, but it'd probably go 45 pre-profit. Hold on. They got their papers really early because I got up early. I used to go around to the shop and that possible. So I used to go around there, wake him up. It'd be like, what are you doing around there so early? Don't I? I'm just hungry. What? I'm just hungry for work? Oh, well, good boy, Pip. I'm just going to turn away a minute while you stand there in front of the confectionery.

I'll turn away now and I'm a little bit better now and it's the papers. thanks so much Carl because you you're a lovely kid yeah I can't really afford to I've been betrayed so many times that's one lovely wife's no longer with me you know she ran off with Ken yeah I mean at least I've got a friend I don't know you turn up early you're oh god it's brilliant oh and Carl oh and Carl k I'll keep a look out someone someone who's been Nick you're not you to you to you to you to you to you to you to to to the to the the the the to the the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to to the the to the the the the the the the the to to the the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the took the the try. I try. I try. I true I try. I try. I th the I the the the ly and by the way Carl, why don't you take a Mars bar for free? Oh, thanks. Well, that never happened. Right. Still, I'm getting 50 p pence a day for delivering papers, but I needed the energy.

Right. Now if I, if I spent my 50 P profit a day a day is not worth it. No. So help yourself. I knew I was doing a good job for him. No, no, no, no, no, no, so help yourself. That doesn't, that doesn't follow. So up yourself. Get another job, leave that job, negotiate a pay rise. Not out myself. That doesn't gothat doesn't go that's ridiculous where does it stop if you work in a nuclear power plan well they're not paying me much have a little bit of uranium yeah yeah yeah I do it's a strange analogy Rick it's a left straight from a bloke Nick and stuff we work so where she works the power plant he's having himself a bit of uranium what's he

doing with the uranium you know Mars a day and all that and that's for energy and so's uranium but more energy than a Mars bar yeah I never nicked because I couldn't bear the shame even the kid I knew that was shameful I want to clear conscience I want to go to bed and and I do call I haven't got rest his legs in doing more people people shouting out my window so I the the the the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th tho tho tho tho tho tho thu thu tho tho tho th. th. th. th. th. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th th th th th th th th th th thu to to the to to the the the the to the the the the thee the the n'' thoooo' the n' the n' the n' the the to to to to go to bed and and sleep at night and I do call I haven't got a rest his legs in doing more people shouting out my window so I sleep at night because I've got a clear conscience and that to me is what guides me. Well it's like when I first moved to London and I was traveling when I was living in over was the over to over the end and I was to the the the the the the the the end at those days. So I could get on the tube at one end and get off the other end and no one ever checked my ticket. I was buying tickets every day for months and months and months and it was starting to seem to me weird as though no one's ever checking

this. So of course, you know, got a little bit lazy. Maybe I stopped buying tickets. Maybe I stopped buying thea. the the the the their their their their the-in, ba ba ba ban, b the-in, b the-in, b the-up the-up the-up the-up the-up. the-up. the-up, and the-up, and then, and then, and then, and then, and the-in, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and their their their their their their their their their their their their their, and their-s. And, and their-s. And, thea. And, thea-s. ttt tt t t t t t t t t t t the the thea- coming up in an oval station Someone steps up and says excuse me gonna see a ticket and that's terrible because when you're in when you're in your mid-twenties It's not like a kid at you know I mean you are an adult you've made a reason decision there you can plead ignorance so um So um so I said So I said oh do you see a ticket please? I mean, yeah, they. they. th. th. they. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the thi the. the. th. th. th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm t. I'm t. I'm t. I'm t. I'm t. I'm t. I'm toda. I'm te. I'm toda. I'm te. I'm te. I'm te. I'm te. I'm te. I'm today's try. I a ticket please? I mean, yeah, yeah, I was looking through, because I had, for some reason I used to keep a lot of old tickets, I was looking through pretending to look for my ticket. I went, oh, I don't know what's happened to it, but I did, I did actually, I bought one at Shepard's Bush. And they went, okay, if we phone up Shepard, and I'm embarrassing. It was unbelievable. the the the the the thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi, I was thi, I was thi, I was thin thin' thin' thr- I was thr- thr-so thr-so o' thr- so thr- so I was looking thr- so I was looking thr- so I was looking thr- so I was looking thr- so I was looking thin thi, I was th and I was th and I was th and I was th and I was th and I was thi, I was thi, I was thi, I was thi, I was thin, I was thi, I was thi, I was looking thin, I was thin, I was looking thr-u an thr-u an thr-ui, I was looking thr-ui. I was looking thr-uanit-u an thr-uanit-s and I was looking thr-s and I was looking thr-s and I was looking to ask you again, have you got a ticket? No. Oh no. I'm embarrassing.

It was unbelievable. He told off is worse. It's worse, it's worse. Well, it's because it's people walking by a woman who is at least a foot and a half shorter than me, wearing a uniform. And it was so theyme. It was so cripplingly embarrassing. Yeah. Yeah, and I ask you again if you got ticket, no I haven't, no. So you lied, yes I did, yeah. Okay, we're going to have to take your details. But honestly, being taught, and that's it, this is the shame.

Maybe it's a good bit of upbringing, unlike Carl, obviously, who's got no guilty conscience at the whole Mars by the incident, but whereas you and I and I, Rick have raised it's obviously, and it, and it, and it's been been, and it's been, and it's been, and it's been, and it, and it, and it's been, and it, and it, and it, and it's been, and it, and th, and th, and th, and that's been being being being being, and that's been, and that's been, and that's been, and that's been being, and that's been, and that's, and that's, and that's, and that's been, and that's been, and that's been, and that, and that, and that, and that, and that, and that, and that, and that's, and that's, and that's, and that's, and that's been, and that's been, and that's been, and that's been, and that's been, and that's been, and that's been, and that's been, and that's been th. And, and that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's maybe one of the reasons why we don't transgress. Because this is an interesting, you know, we talked earlier about the murder thing. Of course there's that sort of idea which has often been used in films, you know, in a godless universe. You know, in a godless universe, and you can live with the guilt for us to stop you doing it. Well, I'd just like to say now, it is a godless universe. As an atheist, there is no god, and I'm a good person. Not because I'm going to get rewarded for it in heaven, because I want to get it to be, their, their, because, because, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, be, and, and, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, and, be, be, and, be...a.a, be.a.a. thing I do in many countries, are from the Bible.

I mean that's, that kicked it off. I mean there was laws before obviously and there were different gods before this one was invented. But let's have a look at the ten commandments. I think that lays down most of the, a lot of them are good rules of thumb, you know, we've got to go along with them. They didn't, they certainly didn't invent those rules of thumb. I think that mankind were adhering to most of them before it was handed down. So let's have a look at them. There's a website here, a Baptist Christian website forum, and this guy, maybe I shouldn't say his name. I mean, he's put it up there for public, but I shouldn't say his name. I mean he's put it up there for public but I don't want to embarrass him. He says, uh, brethren and sister and. What? Yeah, so I don't know.

I've never heard that before. I've learned a word. Brothers and sisters. He could have said that, but he's not easy. He could have said people. Could we see people, could say folks. It has come to my attention that not only th only members unable to correctly recite all the 10 commandments, it's probably a big problem. I don't know he goes around testing and going, number three, get out. Go and learn it.

But those who can remember even a few invariably get the sequence wrong. Is that important? Oh, well it is. He says, let me set the record straight. The commandments do not come in a the, with the exception of seventh commandment, an obvious anomaly. Why? Well, he reckons that thou shalt not commit adultery at number seven should really

be sixth in terms of severity. Let me explain. The commandments appear in order of severity. Right. The harsh of the punishment, the close to the top. I hope this handy colour chart will make the intrinsic beauty of God's word more comprehensible to all. So this is it. He's laid it out. Commandment, number one, thou shalt have no other gods before me. Okay? Alert level, severe.

Punishment, genocide. Entire cities with men, women, children and animals must be killed. So that's a lovely, nice Christian view there. So if you worship another god before the right god, he doesn't name him by name, he just uses the term god. But there's only one according to this. Genocide. Yeah, anyone who works to know the God, genocide, entire cities with men, women, children,

and animals must be killed. I don't know what the animals have ever done, but... Yeah, okay, so that's number one. That's the most severe, worshipping the wrong God. Sure. Okay, no two, thou shalt not make unto thee any craven image. Okay, no craven images. That's, I assume, so Druids, devil worshippers, anything like that, isn't it? Well, I think it's also just, I suppose it's kind of images that mock or degrade the Almighty?

Okay, severe. What's the punishment there? Genocide again? That the punishment there? Genocide? That's his favorite there, genocide. Entire cities with men, women, children, and animals must be killed. What worries me is we're a couple of smart guys and we're not entirely sure what that commandment means. No.

So we could go, but we could accidentally... Yeah. Three, thou shalt not take the name of the Lord, thy God in vain. Okay, I assume God made these, did he? He's used the first three talking about himself it. Alert level, high. Capital punishment. So just, you're just going to be put to death there. Not all your friends and family and dogs. Leave the budggy? No.

Number four. Remember the Sabbath day. Keep it holy. Hi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho. th. th. th. tho. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. tho. tho. tho. tho. thooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. the. the. the. th No. Number four. Remember the Sabbath day. Keep it holy. High. So they're at level high. Hi, yeah, capital punishment. Death. Capital punishment again if you forget the holy day. Well what makes me laugh is that sometimes you can be walking along and you go oh yeah yeah I'm just going to, I keep thinking this Monday. You what? You forgot. No I just felt a lot of death. Number five. Honor their father and thy mother. Hi. Okay so and if you don't honor your mother? Capital punishment. A lot of death. Again. A lot of death at the moment. Yeah. Yeah. We haven't even got to thou shalt not kill yet and yet he's killed everyone so

so far. Oh geez. Now seven he's put a number six here, he's put him out of order six and seven because he thinks this is higher. Thou shalt not commit adultery, high, capital punishment again. Now the fellow who did this website, he's put, thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not kill, but this fella. I reckon his wife played away. Right, right. So he went, right, I'm putting them in a different order. Because before, let's see, number six, he's put, thou shalt not kill, alert level, elevated, capital punishment in some cases.

So if you murder someone, you can sometimes be killed, if you commit adultery, always get killed. So I think he's made that he can have his wife put to death, right? Or he could kill her, but maybe get off with it. Right. That's why he's done that. Number eight, thou shalt not steal, guarded, excessive fines. O'nin rare cases cut with a punishment. Oh, just excessive fines. Yeah, excessive. Number nine, thou shalt not bear fault witness to thynene thiiiiiiiiiiii. So thi. So thi. So thi. So thi. So thi. So thi. So, thi. So, th. So, th. So, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. to to, to to, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to to to to to to to to the, the, the, the, the, the. the. the. the. the. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to excessive. Number nine, thou shalt not bear fault witness to thy neighbour. So basically lying, low. Despisement and scorn. Is that the punishment? Yeah, despisement and scorn. Yeah. Thou shalt not covet, really. Don't, don't try and get get stuff. Despisement and scorn. Yeah, despisement and scorn. I'm just going to go down these, see which ones I, I'm, really, really, really, really, really, I, I, I, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thou, thi, thou-s, thly thly thly thly th, so th, so th, so th, so th, so th, so th, so th, so th, so th, so th, so, so, so, so, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thou sha, thou sha, thou thou sha' thou, thou, thou, thou sha'a'a'a'a'a'er thou, thi'a'er thi and score. I'm just going to go down these, see which ones I commit. Thou shalt have no other God. I don't have any God so I haven't broken that one. Two, Craven images. No, I don't have any Craven images. I don't accept there's a God to.

Three, they shall not take the name of vain because I don't believe he exists so I'm fine there. Remember the Sabbath. I always remember Sunday. I know I've got a calendar, I remember everything so I'm doing that. I've never committed adultery. Don't do that. Have you killed anyone? Never killed anyone. Don't steal. I don't lie and I don't cover it. So I am an amazing Christian Christian. Yeah, you're a pretty clean living high. Wow, there you go. Well, whereas, I don't know, Carl have you ever, what's your view? I still open

like post, that isn't for me. I'm just going to see that's on there. That's opening other people's post, alert level, low, punishment, embarrassment. You have to walk along with your trousers around your ankle saying I'm a div. Why do you open me, other people's mail? But it's just a fellow called Bruce who, he's the bloke, he used to own the flat before me. And I don't know, I started off and I thought, should I should have passed it on, you know, because when people move, it's a lot of messing about, tracking down where they've gone. So I thought, should I just leave them for a bit and I collected some for a bit? And then there was one that sort of said, this

is important on the front of it. So I thought, how important is it? So I thought, how important is it? was it, was it important? thi? th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. So, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, th. I, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the. And, the. And, the. And, I. And, I. And, I. And, I. And, I. And, I. And, I. And, I. And, I. And, I. And, I. And, I. And, I. So, I. So, I. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. What did they say? It was just something that. They said, oh we use the age need like you. Can you come in for a little test? So I just started, I just kind of thought, oh I'll start opening it, having a look. And it was weird because, do you know like how you get fed up of being yourself? No, but go on. I'm intrigued. Of course. No, you can just have days where you like what's going on well you know and Bruce Willis in your case there well this blow was Bruce so I just go on let's see what you know if I was Bruce would have the happy of being him do you know like I've said to you before

you never know if you don't feel well because they can't put you in someone else's body to sort of compare. Most people can just use their imagination. So I sort of think... They're actually physically going to someone else's body to understand that. Yeah, like ghost. Yeah, exactly. So I think, well, would I enjoy being Bruce more? So what have you, what have you, what have you, what have you, what, so, and what have you, what, they?????? to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, actually, actually, actually, actually, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, to, to, actually??? to, to, to, to, to, actually? to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to at Christmas, a lot of Christmas cards which were good because I didn't get that all.

So you put up these Christmas cards. Well, you had Christmas cards hanging in your flat to have a lovely Christmas Bruce, Arnie Jean. That's crazy. Hang on a minute because when you have put them on your, you know, you've mantelpiece you know you've mantel piece of your shelf or whatever you're not looking at them every day, it's just a picture of Father Christmas. It doesn't matter who it's two or from. Why don't I just buy some things? Why don't I just buy some blank cards with him?

You can just play some blank cards with him. Use him every year. No, but I have to have to do Bruce. No, I've got to talking to a bloke who's in the same block and like he used to see me picking stuff up for Bruce. He'd always say you know I like Bruce. No, no, no. No, you've never told him that you're not Bruce. No, no. No, no, no, this is why I made you. No, this is like 25 years ago and he called me Steve and he called me Steve and it to to the the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to to the the to to the to the to to the to the to to to to to the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the th. the. the. He the. He thi. He thi. He the. He to to to the to to the to to to to to to to this is before I make you, this is like 25 years ago. And he called me Steve, and it got to the point I couldn't correct him. Yeah, because it would be an embarrassing for him.

And so after about two years, we were playing cards, and someone said, and he went, who's Ricky? And I went, thrown, what do you mean, Ricky? I went, yeah, that's my name, and th. And, and th. And, that's, th. And, that's that's th. And, that's th. And, that's that's th. And, th. And, that's th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And he's, th. And he's, th. And he, th. And he, th. And he, th. And he, th. And he, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, and I just went, red. I went, he went, what do you mean, Ricky? I went, yeah, that's my name. He went, you said, what do you mean, Ricky? I went, Ricky, and I looked him, what do you? I went, I went, no, it's not Steve. He went, he said, well, I've been calling you Steve. He, he, he said, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he, he me Steve. Oh, this guy, right? He, um...

But hang on, did he, what happened? What was the follow from it? He's just sort of like, he was a bit confused. And then, uh, I think he still called me Steve, but sometimes it was Ricky, some close with Steve, it was fine, right? But, um, this guy, right? He was a bank robber, he was, right, hea, he was, right, hea, he's, he's, right, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, th. He, he, th. He was, he, he, he, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, th. th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He was, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, was, thi. He was, was, thi. He was, was, th. He was a bank robber. Okay? Yeah, he'd done 17 years in all. In prison, yeah. And I was sort of, I was a bit scared of him.

I'm fascinated. He was fine. He was done. He'd gone straight, totally straight, and he was running his pub. And I remember once, he'd tell me stories about it, and he'd go on about his, he did it with four people. And they they they they they they he he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd to, he'd to, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, about it and he'd go on about his, he did it with four people and they all did time and he said, he said, but you wouldn't recognise him now, he said, he said,

they are the most respectable people you'd ever seen. He said, yeah, they're just lovely businessmen, higher sophistication now. And then one day he came over to me, it was busy pub, he went, Rick, Steve. He said, you know those geese I did the prime with, the other three, I said, they are in the pub here now, see if you can guess who they are. I looked around, I saw three blokes in sheepskin coats with tinted hair covered in gold sovereigns and gold neck neckses and I went, no who? He went, those three I went, you are joking. You are fucking joking. That was his idea of totally tinted, they ain't tinted beards, but they look like

they look like fat beages covered in gold and sheepskin. It was unbelievable. I went, oh that is, that is a surprise. That is a surprise. That is a surprise. I thought they were barristers. Oh unbelievable. I was always terrified of being mugged when I first moved to London. And you remember Rick, I had a wallet with all my stuff in and then I took to carrying a fake wallet. Okay, which I had some sort of old library cards and DVD cards, you know, video shop cards and stuff. And like I put a fiver in there, you know, and then I got really anxious because I thought, what if I hand over my fake wallet and he goes, well it's a fake wallet? Okay and then I got hand over the real wallet but maybe he also punishes me, you know, it takes out of me because he's angry. So I spent about two months carrying three wallets around, two of which were a fake, right?

And then, do you know the reason I stopped? Because I thought, what if he, I give him both fake wallets, I give him one fake wallet, he opens, he opens, he goes, well, this is a fake wallet, I give him the fake wallet, and then I've given the thin, now I was going to the library cards and the video cards you know you can run up a huge fine. I'd be in the same position where we're not giving the money. Yeah also I don't believe you'd ever put a fiver in the fake wallet he wouldn't be willing to. Yeah, yeah.

I had a run in with crime. I was ripped off in a big sting operation a few years ago. I was at home and I was just, Mr rushing out and the phone went and it was my bank and I went is that Mr. Vase I went yeah he went um have you recently bought 200,000 pounds worth of gold bullion and I went um I went Jane are we did bought are we bought 200,000 pounds of gold bullion no of of no of course not no oh well someone's uh taken that money out of your bank account fortunately and and they've purchased gold and I went right okay they went we'd like your permission to get the CID involved I went well yeah I said of

course I said but hold on you know it wasn't me then so do I get the money back and I went yeah you all the money will be um put back into your bank I went fine I said yeah I basically went yeah fill your boots and they went um and can you come down and I went oh yeah sorry I arranged a time I went down to the bank there was the CID there waiting and what it turned out it was sort of an inside job someone who to the th checking of facts, you know, they phone you up and say you're happy with a service. They put down the phone and went, oh you never go so I spoke to that Ricky Javais. And someone overheard, they were involved, they've got a payoff from Mr. Big somewhere, they was out of the country. And so isn't there more, isn't the, isn't, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so. So. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, th. And, thi. they. they. they. they. they's. they's. they's. they. they. they. they're. they're. you? There must be a more elaborate. Yeah, they did a transaction didn't they? They okayed the transaction like it was me for these people and then these people bought gold with it and now

all they have to do is go and collect the gold. Now this is the tricky bit. So what they don't know is now the bank. the bank the bank the bank the bank the bank the bank the bank the bank the bank the bank the bank the bank the bank the bank the bank the bank that it that it is no the bank that it is no their the bank the bank that it's the bank the bank their they're they're not they know the bank know the bank know they're not they're not their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're. they're they're not they're not. they're not. they're not. they're not. they're not. they're not. they're not. they're not. they're not. they're not. they're not. they're not. they're not. they're not. they're not. they're not. they're not whoever turns up for the gold, they said they're probably just be, they might even be innocent couriers, but then we get, you know, the go-betweens or whatever. And where is it, where is gold bullion kept? I don't know. I suppose you go and get it from a a vault somewhere and uh, and take it away and take delivery of it. I don't know if it literally changes hands or not. So what they need is obviously my passport. So they got the people so it was going to go to court. I didn't have to go to court but I had to have to meet with the CID for all the details and take the, you know, it wasn't me and all that. So the funny thing was, I'm there with a CID man and I said, well how did they think they were going to get away with it? And they said, well, they turn up with a fake passport of yours, show the idea and I walk away. I went, right,

okay. And they said they get a passport from either a dead man or they steal one and they replace it with your details and your their and your their and your then and your their and your their and your their and their and their thereeeeeeee. And their there. And theree. And the. And the. And the one and they replace it with your details and your picture and the CID man started smirking. I went, what is it? Well, the picture they used was this one. And he showed me this fake passport and I tell you what, I was laughing. Then he started chuckling and we laughed about 10 minutes because all they did was they cut out the picture on the first series of the office from the DVD. So it's a picture of David Brent sitting behind a desk with that little smug look on his face. That's my passport and his thing. So I mean, they might have got caught

anyway. It's nice to know that even such elaborate operations as this, it still comes down to just idiocy, criminal incompetence. Who was left in charge of getting a photo? They go, you know, Dave, you're doing 777, so you're, Julie, you're on the inside, Dave, you do, da, da, Bertie. Can you get a picture? Yes. Yeah. You can get a photograph of Ricky Jomase, can you? Right, okay. What are you going to HMV for? What are you going to HMV for?

I knew we shouldn't have recruited someone who looks exactly like Bernard Breslor. It's unnered me. It's so nerved me. There's always someone doing well out of me. There's always someone if I go, if they're a little bit short, you'll go around to Pilken. But I mean, I'll the washing machine's broke and they came around, they've done this, right, they couldn't fix it but they have to call it charges 90 quid, I call the banks and no, they can't do that. Turns out they can't do it. It's like if I can sort of you know if I can go in a place but a lot of stuff now is done on the phone. Yeah. You know it's all

phone in it because no one's, it's all over the world where you're speaking to these people. Yeah. I was talking to someone the other day about the alarm system right in the flat. I called them up and I thought the their thou. I would th I would th. I would th. I would tho. I would tho. I would tho. I'll tho. I'll tho. I'll tho. I'll tho. I'll tho. I'll tho. I'll tho. I'll tho. I'll tho tho tho tho that. I'll tho tho tho their their their tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho. I th. I'm th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I the the. I'm the. I'm the. I'm the. I'm the. I'm the. I'm thee. I'm the. I'm thee. I'm the. I'm the. It's all the. It's all the. I'm an alarm system, I haven't had one for years. Might as well use it, it's there. So I call them up and said, yeah, there's an alarm system in this flat I bought. When I get it going again, what's the situation? So they took a load of details and stuff and they said, right, what you have to do, it's 400 quid a year. So what's that for? He said if the alarm goes off we can guarantee that a couple will be there in like a minute

and a half. I said I don't want that. I'm just happy with the alarm just going off. I'll give the keys to the neighbor. No you can't do that. You've got to have this way. I said I the thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought thought thought I thought I thought thought I thought thought thought I thought thought I thought thought thought I thought thought to to to the to to to the to to to the to to to to to to to to to their to to have to have got to have got to have their to have their their their their to have to have their their to have their their to have the alarm. I'll got to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have the alarm. I'll got the alarm. I'll got the alarm. I'll got the alarm. I'm their their their their their their their their their th. I'm tho. I'm to tho. I'm toldld. I'm their their their their their their their their their to to their to their their to tho. I thought alarms are meant to stop you being robbed. Do you want sir? He doesn't understand sarcasm, I'm not talking to them people. Just to get out of your system, when you know you've been conned, you just laugh in the face of adversity. I remember it was a couple days before Christmas I was going away, but I had a dripping tap and it started dripping more, so there was nothing I could do. The maintenance people were away, the caretakers was t't get in it. So I called out an emergency plumber, I knew this was going to cost, but bloke came round, honestly he made you look smart. He was like one of those kids who looked like a lumpy child. He was probably 20, yeah,

but he just looked like, you know what I mean? They'd scaled a sort of 13 year old big face lad. Right? And he came in and he didn't know how to stop it. He couldn't unscrew it. He went, I don't know what to do. I called my brother. He's there. Just I said, I said, Bob, what can I do? He said, you could crush the pipe and then get it cut and fix when you go. I said, I said, great idea. So I said to the plumber, I said, can we crush the pipe? Oh yeah, I'll go and get a tall. We went down the band, came up with this thing like a fat sort of little pair of pliers. He couldn't, he wasn't strong enough.

So I went, I had a go, I said, well, how we both do it. So we both put our hands on and we managed to crush the pipe, flattened the pipe, cut it off. He put a little thing on the end of it so it wouldn't leak. I went great. I said, how much is that? It went 180 quid. So I went, right, okay. So I wrote him out a check for 180 quid. And I thought I have a little bit of sarcasm. So it wasn't his idea, I helped him do it, I went, how much was that tall? He went, about five, I went, that's paid for itself

in it? Silence, he went, yep, just nothing, just nothing, tough crowned, right? So I signed the check, he went, oh, he said, I forgot to charge you for the little washer on the end. I went, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how th, how, how, how th, how, how, how much, how th. How, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi? th. th. thi. th. thi. th. th. thi. th. th. th., he went, oh I said I forgot to charge you for the little washer on the end. I went, how much is that? He went, two pounds fifty, I went, can I give you that in cash? Can I bring it, yeah, I went, there's there, there's the two pounds 50 for the washer on the end, and there's the 180 pounds. And there's the that, and that's that's that's 180 pounds. And that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's two. And two. two $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $1. that's that's that's two $20. that's two $2. that's two $2. that's two $2. two two two two two two two $ $2. two $2. two $ $2. two $ $ $ $ $2. two $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $. that's $ $ $ $. that's $. that's $. that's $. that's $.00.00.00. that's $.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.00.00.00.00.00 he should have gone, well let's split that because we both did that. Yeah, that's 90 quid each. I go, okay, that's what brilliant, mate. Cheers.

It's a Christmas bonus. I have a fascinating tale to tell you, Carl, I think you'll be intrigued. When I do junkets for films in America or a Film Festival. I was assigned a security and I've had security before, often I have security, they just sort of get you in and out of the car and usually just control sort of autograph hunters and things. But this time I was given a security and he came in a suit, he was about 30, he looked quite unassuming, I thought he was from a, just a security firm. and there was a couple of them and first of all they were talking to each other and I thought well the stakes are

high here. I don't know why and they do it was the hotel and there was loads of the hotel, I mean much bigger stars than me, you know there was Ed Norton and and George and George and George and they and they and they they they they they they they they they they they they were they they they were they were they were they th and th and th and th and th and th th th th no th no th no thoe thoe was thoe was tho tho thoes thoes thoes thoes thoes thoes thoes thoes thoes tho-up was loo-up was loo-up was loo-up was loo-up was loo-up was loo-up was loo-up was th was th was th was th was th was th was th was th was th was th was th was th was th was th was th was th was th was th was th was th was th was the. the. that and tolde. tolde. that and tolde. tolde. tho'er. tho'er. tho'er tho'er that Clooney and they were going and out and he goes, we can go past these. And he called ahead and he knew everyone, he just knew everyone. And we went down in the car park. We were met by another security guard in the hotel that let us go past everyone. I mean, Cloon is having to queue up and sign. I'm thinking this security guard, I was there to promote the film and I think this security was so good I'm never going to ever have to pump into anyone. It was amazing. And they was there the next day and he took us to the junket and back and he put us on the thing and then it turned out that he was actually LAPD. He was doing throwning th. He's doing th. He's doing th. th. th. th. th. their. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin'-s, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I. I's, I. I. I. I. I, I. I, I. I. I, I. I. I. I. I. I, I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. It. It. It. It. It. It's, t t the. It's, tta. It's, t t t t t toge. And, t t toge. And, t t toge. And, t t today, t today, today, today earned more money. And then I found out he had a gun, so I can't come in the airport with you, I can't take my gun.

So he's armed. So I've got a security, it was an APD who's armed. And I'm fascinated. Now I'm fascinated, this man is walking around with me with a little earpiece, talking to everyone, he seems to know everyone and he's got a gun............. And he's to know, he's to know, he's to, he's to, he's to, he's to, he's to, he's to, he's to, he's to, he's to, he's to, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's.a. He's a. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. to. to. to. to. to know everyone and he's got a gun. I think this is amazing. Then one night he said he dropped me off the hotel and he said I've actually been called I've got to go on a mission. They need my help. I said really what is it? He said it's a hostage situation. He said and I'm also swat. So now I'm just, this is amazing. He's now officially the coolest man I've ever met in my life. So he goes off. Then I'm thinking I'm worried about him. I was talking to chain. I was thinking, wow, he does this, he gets this collector cash, he's risking his life and now he's going to a hostage situation and I was

thinking, oh God, it's just, it's just a silent hero. So next day I was, I was how was it, he said, I just turned up. He said, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I had up up up up, I had to to to to to to to to to to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do. He's to do to do to do to told, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was to, I was to, I was to do. He. He. He. He's the the the to, I was the the the to to the the the to to the the the the the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the he said because I'm the negotiator. What? So now he's an armed security guard, he's an LAPD who's a special SWAT and he's one of nine negotiators in LA with Brin LA now we've come from Toronto, went via New York in LA so I went oh my god and I just asked him questions for two hours. So the first thing that happens is, so someone runs in with a hostage. This guy is just a kid who was 19. He'd done a robbery, he'd panicked and he'd run away, the police were after him. He ran in and he took his kid with him, was just a three-year-old kid.

Okay. That often happens. Most hostages that people take are their family because it's all they've got. And they go, I'm going to kill my wife or my kid and that. And they don't mean it. They're not going to, but they need a hostage. They've got a gun. So he talked to them and he says things to him like, him because they've got a hatred for the police of course they don't trust the police. And the first thing he does is call the phone company and say what's the number of this address? He goes change it by one digit. So now only he can't call that number because of course you can't have an engaged signal.

If they haven't got a phone, they have to throw a phone through a window. So they've got to have contact with this guy. I said, what happens if this guy says, you're never going to get me out, I'm going to kill all the hostages. He said, then my sole purpose is to get him to stand near a window. I went, wow. Now apparently there's a police My sole purpose is to get him to stand near a window. I went, wow. Now apparently, as a police marksman ready, of course, if they think they've lost him, the important thing is you've got to take him out because you've got to protect the innocent. So how they shoot him is they shoot him in the top lip and it takes out the brain stem so there's no reflex.

And I'm just being absolutely, I'm captivated. What do you think of that, Carl, as a job? It's amazing, isn't it? Um, yeah. Um, yeah. Yeah, I mean, once you've done one, though, it's like any job, I suppose. Yeah. Not impressed. No, no, no, it's good any job in that I suppose yeah once you've done one yeah not impressed boring no no it's good do you reckon you could do it you

reckon you could negotiate someone out of a hostage situation well I think in one of them things is nothing you can do it's like it doesn't matter if it goes wrong because well it does you a bit no it's like to be a vet not really not really not really because that's ridiculous thing to say. It's nothing like being like a vet. No it is what I mean is you're expected to beg the little kitten with. No no there's loads of it because I was saying so um so he says I need a car by five o'clock or I'm gonna kill someone he then make sure that he doesn't kill anyone but you make sure that car doesn't come to a quarter past five even if it's there he keeps going it's on it's that that that that that that that that that that that that that the the the th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to be. to be. to be. the the the ho. the ho. the the the the ho. the their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their. I's not. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I's not. I's not. I's not. I's. I's. I's. th. I's. th. th. th. I's. th. I's. the the the. I's. I's if it's there he keeps going, it's on its way because then the hostage knows that he's not in control really. Even if it's easier saying I want my

wife here and he can get her there at five he'd make sure she doesn't turn up to 20 fast five. Yeah it's just little things like that that's just absolutely fascinating. The psychology of it is just amazing. But he's not bothered is he? He is bothered. He is bothered. He is bothered. He is not bothered. He is really takes a bit. He empathizes with these guys and he says, no you've got to understand. No, but the fellow in the house with the gun, he's not going anywhere. 15 minutes said, you said they make the car 15 minutes late. Yeah. He's getting his car.

That bloke's not in a rush. He's never going to get in the car, is he? That's the other thing as well, because once a bloke said to him, I need a car and he just went, where are you going to go? And the bloc, the b b b bblo, yeah, yeah, the b b bloke, yeah, yeah, thk, tho, tho, tho, that. He has to make them forget their deadlines and their demands. So soon it doesn't matter. He has to get in their head. But to do that, he says that he has to empathize with them to a certain extent. He has to understand why they're doing it to talk to them and go, yeah hostage situation right done a crime I've run in the building they go there's any one person we can ask for get me car pilken to okay you turn up right what's

your question you've asked me you've asked for me to deal with this no no no no no the police know that you're their top man there's a guy in here, he's got a gun, he's got a hostage, okay, he's just done a crime, they don't know what to do, okay? Right, you turn up, what's your first question to the... I'm talking to you? Well, I know, you got a... I'd say, I'd say, right. I think there's a saying, actually, you say, where's the same, uh, I thirty-a'a, uh, uh, uh, uh, th.. th. th. th. there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, th. th. there's the same, the same, there's the same, the same, uh, the same, uh, the same, the same, th. th. the same, the same, uh, the same, the same, the same, the same, th. the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, I, I, I'. I'. I'. I'. I'. I'. I'. I'. I'. I'. I'. I'. th. th. thi. thi. thi. that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, right, that, that, that, thi, thi, thi, their. Right,'s brass? Right? I found that out. I overheard that. What's that? It was something, uh... You're wasting time. Who's that bull can that's just turned up?

I don't fucking kill the- right, where's brass? What does it mean? I heard it out of school when they- I don't the fuck you I don't know what the fuck it means. It means the top person of the police who are around at the moment. Yeah, when you talk on the fucking top brass here, I've got a fucking gun against this kid's head. Who the fucking today? Who the fucker? Where's my car? What car? I've asked for a car?. Where do you want to go? I'm fucking sore for shouting, throwing through the window so I can talk to you over the phone? No, all right, in a minute.

Don't ever fucking say no to me. In a minute, I said. Okay. Right, the clock's going. Where's this fucking phone? I've got a sore throat. I can't talk anymore with that phone. I've been, I've been called up here. I can't hear you.

I need a phone. I've been called up here. Yeah, can you go have to put the phone through? Why are you putting the phone through, you dopey can't? You want to talk to him? You shouldn't even demand a phone, you should make sure you've got a phone, you dopey twat. Give him a phone. Right, thanks. All right, how's it going?

That's better. Right. Who are you, who are you? Bruce? I can't give you them details. Well you can, because I've got to trust you, Dopey, Sod. Are you police? Or just some fucking thu cun't the thu cun't. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. thu. thu. thu. thu. thus. thus. thus. thus. thus. thus. thus. thus. thoom. th. th. thoooo. tho. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that's. that's. th. th. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha I'm a bit higher than that. So listen. Or don't you tell me I'm laying down the law here.

I'm going to shoot someone unless I get a fast car. I've done a robbery. It's all gone wrong. You're right from now, but I want a car to the airport or a plane standing by. You don't know me, but I do this a lot. Right? And I can tell you that it never works out right. Do you know anyone who's done what you're doing and is now living a happy life? Well I don't care, I don't care about living anyway. I don't care about living up. I don't care if this goes wrong because I'm going to shoot the hostage...

What's your problem? I'll just... I think you've got the wrong attitude mate. I think you've got the wrong attitude here. No, but this is... to be honest with you, this was my last week. What the point you're sending him back? Because I want to bring him down to my level. Right. What's that got to do with it? Well, you know, I've done this job for a long time, and sometimes I felt like you. I've been, you know, even though I'm on this side, you know, sometimes I feel like,

oh, I've had enough of this. Right, well I have it enough, but I'll tell you, I don't care about living or dying here. So if I don't get a car to the airport, all bets are off, I'm killing everyone and the the thapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapap all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, their, th. their, their, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I... th. th. th. th. thi. thin, thin, thin, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thin, thi. thi. loser son. There you go. I'll give you the clue now, Carl. He doesn't care about getting away. Now you've got to get him to stand near a window. You've got to take him out. Because I've got a gun to someone's head. You can't burst in, right? You've got, come on. How do you get him to stand near a window? Oh, I bet you're rot in there. I'm not. Are you going? I am. I am. Yeah, that's why I've just drawn the curtains and keep away from the window because the sun's

blazing it's not too bad away from the window. It's, uh, the sun's gone round the back now. Just come and have a look. It's a lovely, lovely evening. Why do you want me to stand to stand to stand to stand to stand to stand to stand to stand to stand to stand to stand to stand to stand to stand to stand to stand to stand to stand to stand to stand to stand to stand to stand to stand the to stand the to to the the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. I think just because when you see how nice an evening it is. It's the worst, worst, worst little of-triple hour. It's the worst. I've heard, I've heard that if you smile, you feel better. So have a little smile. Think of a happy moment in your life. I'll tell you what a happy moment in my life would be. Putting a bullet through your little round edge you can. Keep thinking about that image. Right. And you can see that round head. Just come to the window. I'll show you the round ed. That would probably work actually. Yeah. What, what, no, I'm not going to come near the window. You come near the window. to be coming near the window. to the the window. the window. the window. the window. the window. the window. the window. the window. the window. the window. the window. the window. the window. the window. the window. the window. the window. the window. the window. the the the the the the the the the the the window. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. thi. thi. I. I. things. I. things. things. things. thea. things. thea' thea' the. the. the. the the the the the. I the the the... are you coming near the window? No not yet.

What? Delaying it again. Right, I'm coming near the window. Well I'm gonna shoot you if you come near the window. You don't be Pratt. Well I thought we were getting somewhere here. No, I'm gonna shoot you. I've I've conned you. I've negotiated you to come near the window and I'm going to shoot you in the edge, you Pratt. I'd just leave then. Well, that's about it. I hope you enjoyed the Ricketiaz guide to law and order. And the next one in the series is the Ricky Jovey's Guide to Law and Order. The next one in the series is the Ricky Jovey's Guide to the Future. Ooh, which is out on the 29th of December.

So look forward to that. Anyway, it's goodbye from me, Ricky Javez, Stephen Merchant, goodbye. And Carl Wilpinton.