The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - NME S1E1 (June 9, 2008)

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

Ricky, Steve and Karl recorded a two-hour radio show as part of the test transmissions for the new radio station NME Radio. This was recorded on Thursday 5 June in London and premiered on Monday 9 June 2008, 12 pm (BST).

Hello, testing. This is a special transmission, a special one-off show with me, Ricky Jovey's, Stephen Merchant. Hello there? And the little bald-mank twat that is the shaven monkey known as Carl Pilkington. All right. Now, really, just a quick question, because if people have just stumbled across this perhaps on the internet or on their TV channel, they're probably going to be a little bit alarmed by what you've. the the the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th tho tho tho tho-off tho-off off tho-off off thoff off tho-o-off off tho-o-o-o-o-o off tho-one tho-one tho-one tho th show one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one th th th th th th tho-off tho' tho' tho' tho' tho'-off tho'-off tho'-off tho'-off tho'-off one-off one-off one tho' tho across this perhaps on the internet or on their TV channel, they're probably going to be a little bit alarmed by what you've said there. You've come straight in with Little Bold Manquette and twat and a lot of people don't know that little bank twat is so maybe you should clarify. Well, um, I'm Ricky Javais, you probably know me from such shows as the office and extras, cameos in the odd the odd the odd the odd the odd the odd the odd the odd the odd the odd the odd the odd the odd the odd, the the the the the the the th, th, th, th, th, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, th, th, th, that, that, th, th, th, th, th, th. You're th. You're th. You're th. You're thage, thage, th. You're th. You're th. You're th. You've, th. You've, th. You've, th. You've th. You've th. You've th. You've th. You's, th. You's, th. You's, th. You's, th. You're th. You're that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, thrown, that, thrown, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, came here was in the odd film. My long-term partner, not in that way, Stephen Merchant. Not in that way. Stephen Merchant, yes, I was involved with some of those projects, but

I've not been in a film. And we met Carl when XFM was conquering heroes. We were let go when XFM changed hands. And then we did the office and then we came back and we were big shots no longer did we need to run the desk or press any buttons so we were assigned how can I put this like a stupid lackey yes yes yes proper I mean probably the person who was lowest on the run I'd have thought so they said I'll give it the rung. I thought so. They said, oh, give it to me, no one wants to work Saturdays. The caretaker didn't work Saturdays, so they gave us Carl.

And we met Carl. And I was first struck by the roundness of his head. I thought this is a bald man. A little round-headed, bald freak of a man. He opened his mouth, he spoke funny, actually he spoke without opening his mouth, that was the second thing that struck me. He just had this slack-jawed gimpness about him, words came out. They were... I think they got the idea now anyway. Was what...

Do you feel that that was a balanced explanation of your meeting with us? Would you like to offer any extra detail there, Carl? Well with every meeting there's a different story isn't they? The way you sort of looked at me and thought he's weird. I saw Steve it was like a triangle. Ricky was looking at me I was looking at you thinking that's weird. It seems on... I learned just that I'm the why don't you have any go at Ricky for being fat and old? No I'm just saying on th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their th. I'm just their their th. I'm just saying their th. I'm just saying th. I'm just saying th. I'm that I'm the... Why don't you have any go at Ricky for being fat and old? No, I'm just saying on the first meeting, right. It's like a museum, isn't it? Everybody rushes to the weird stuff first.

I love the fact that you're putting yourself firmly in that category as well, though. Oh, I love that. That's great. Like someone from reservoir dogs, everyone looking at someone else. But you don't feel that way about me anymore. No, I've got used to it now. That's what I'm saying. Whatever your accusations of weirdness were, are they all unfounded? It moves on, don't it? It's like, like anything, you get used to, to a look, don't you?

I watch a lot of programs on stuff that got something wrong with them. That is what you do. If ever you say, do you see that thing last night, it's going to be something like the kid who was born with too many legs or the baby with an arse for a head. It's always going to be stuff like that. It's like there was a program on a bit back about a fellow who had a funny head and wad he and he lived in a small village and nobody double-taked anymore because you get used to it. What was that with his head? Just had like a, it was sort of like the new elephant man. It's sort of, it's sort of, he's sort of, he's gone for that look. He's gone for that look.

Well, what does he do in the morning? Just eat a band, it's just that's what I'm saying is people in his village you want a big village people used to it and they no longer stared and that's what I'm saying with you but it's interesting that because you've you say you've acclomatized to my so called weirdness I don't know what still not grasp that but Ricky continues what what? Just the eyes? I said he's listening to why you're not had a go at you and you're stupid round head like a fucking orange which is the thing which perpetually entertains Ricky Ricky is never a climatates to you is that fair Rick yeah I love it I just I can't get enough him because I see different things every time I look at Carl sometimes I see like a completely sort of like spherical object right like a

honestly like honestly like some sort of pumpkin on on on you know Halloween and then I see him I the I I I I I I I I I the the the the the th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the. the. th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I the. I the. I the. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I'm theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I'm the. I'm thethen I see him, I see flat, straight on. With a pumpkin rig, with a jacko lantern outside someone's house, right? There is a certain light behind the eyes. Not with car. And then sometimes he looks like a plate. Do you know what I mean? Like a clay plate that a child has made. When they've made a face on the plate using their food.

Or a biscuit? Like one of those biscuits, you can love what your biscuits you can buy. You can ice with a little smile into my mind. But that's not the, I think that's not the biggest thing about the, Carl, it isn't his physicality, isn't it the roundness of his thiorn face, it isn't isn't isn't isn't the gimp isn't the gimp isn't the gimp isn't thin isn't thin isn't the gimpn't thin isn't the gimpn't thin isn't the gimpness, thin, the gimpness, the gimpness, thi, thi, the gimpness, thi. the gimpness of his gimpness, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the gimpnipnipness, the gimpn't the gimpn't the gimpn't the gimpn't the gimpn't thi...... the gimimony, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thi.. It's their their their thi. It's thi. It's thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. that's that's that's that's that's that's thi. that's thi. that's thi. thi. thi. thi. I thi. thi. It's even his hairy body and sort of like chimp like gait. It is. Although those are all key features. These are all key features, but it's his incredible mind. And I think maybe over the next two hours or so, if you haven't heard of Carl, then I think you're in retreat, if you have a little of Carl, then you're already being treated, I think, by the fact that he is present on this special broadcast. broadcast. broadcast. broadcast. broadcast. broadcast. broadcast. tho. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. thi. to thi. to thi. to, to, the to, to, to, to, the the th. the thi, their, the the the the the the the the their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. theat. the. the. the. their, their, their, their, their, their, treated I think by the fact that he is present on this special broadcast. Rick can I suggest that we take a pause there, play some music, come

back and we'll talk some more? Oh this isn't just about Carl. We're playing some great tunes. We're here with Carl Pilkington. Arctic Monkeys, fluorescent, adolescent, talking of monkeys. We're here with Carl Pilkington. I say we, I'm Ricky Javais, with me, Stephen Merchant. Hello. Doing a special one-off broadcast. Now, it's special in the sense that, I don't know why it's special. I had no backup.

It's not particularly special. We've done this thousands of times. Well, it's special in the sense... You've got the old that founded XFM and gave me and Steve our break in entertainment or whatever, comedy. I remember also on the second day he said when you two, F. It's going to do some work before I fire. Yes. Which was, uh... And I vowed that no one would ever say that again. Yeah. And so he called me out of the blue and said, you know, we're launching enemy radio. I thought, that's a good project, you know.

I'm a fan of the genre. Right, will you do a special shot? I called Steve, the tha, tha, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, th. th. th. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, that, that, that, that, that, that, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, tho, tho, tho. And, tho. And, tho. And, tho. And, tho. And, thoooo. And, thooo. And, tho. And, tho. And, I called Steve. I called Carl and he went definitely not. And so I had to persuade these two miserable bastards to do this. Carl, why didn't you want to do this? As a favour, I said to Carl, let's do it, let's do what I, there was two reasons I want to do this. One, we'd stop the podcast. Carl, we charged for the podcast because you'd left work and you know we did very, very well with that and I thought I want to give someone back to the fans, okay, that's one thing, okay? Two, I want to do Sammy a favor, why not? Okay?

That's fair, that's your opinion. Yeah, but, but, but, but, but, yes. But what you can't do, when you can't, when, when, when, when, when, th. When, th. When, th. When, th. When, th. When, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to, to, to, to, to th. th. to, to, to, to, to, to, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. th. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. Steve and Carl will feel the same about it. Yeah, course I'll do it Sammy. Cause Carl will do your favour of the man you've never met and you've never done a favour for yourself. Well, Cars he'll do it. Well, course he'll do it. Well, course he'll do it. Well, hold on Steve. Wea Well, theyrushen, to be to be to be. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. C's. Ca. Ca. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. tallall. tall. tall. tall. tall. the. the. tall. the. the the the the the the great place to be with the Steve Morrison show. I agree there's enough for everyone to go around. Enjoy that, enjoy this but Steve does it a favor to me? I

said Steve all right mate you've done me enough favors yes I will okay you didn't you as to the favor to me no he didn't I even started an internet campaign to put in the poster up saying Carl do so the the the the the the the the the the the the to to the the the the the to the the the to the the to the the the the that I I I I I I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that that th. that that I that I that I that I that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th I the th. th. th. th. th. the. the the. the the the the the the the the the the the the the. the. the. the. the. that's that's the. that's the. the poster up saying, Carl, do some work, you little lazy bastard. After a month he was begging me to stop it. I was begging you, it was just a bit stupid. You were really annoyed. What I like though, it's interesting because you are, you're a busy man, Rick, and I know you've been heavily involved with lots of projects, how you've found time, because you don't like writing and doing any form of a today, How you found time to write a daily blog is quite remarkable. Well I knew it was irritating him.

It was captured the imagination of people all over the world. I wanted him to do this podcast and here we are. What changed your mind, Carl? Well, you kept going on about it. And then I thought... You saw friendship, friendship was an important thing. Yeah, a little bit of that. Now I've got, I've got to tell Steve something on air that Steve doesn't know about. Me and Steve are doing this for free as a favor, I'm doing it as a favor of Sammy.

Steve's a favour for me, that's what friends are for. Carl was negotiating himself some money. Yeah, well, this... Who the hell have you negotiated money from him? know him. I owe this man nothing. I'm not doing anything for free. I've got bills to pay. We've all got bills to pay. You've got other work that brings your money in. Let me just stop. Because I'm sick of it. Wait though because this is interesting because as you say Rick, you're doing this as a favorite of Sammy, you gave you a big break. Now Rick, Rick, you gave me my big break. Right. I didn't know Sammy, Ricky give this. I this this this this this this this this. I their. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm th. I'm th. I' th. I' th. I' th. I' th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I' th. I' th. I've thi. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. th. th. the. the. the. theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. that's the. the. the. the. Carl Pilken to the right? Who? Oh! There's one man in this room who wouldn't even have an agent, would you have a need for an agent if it weren't for Mr. Ricky Joveys. But hang on a minute, it's not me.

Nice one, Steve. I'm already thanking you, it's free. Nice one, Steve, I'm trying. You're miserable and grateful, you're a grateful, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, and, I, and, and, and, and, it at the kindest of my heart. Yeah, free. You're all the money grabbing again. They're also the internet, how mean he is. I'm not mean. You are mean, Carl, because you know we did those paid podcasts. All the to do with some free ones. You wouldn't do it. Because we've done it now. I'm just saying you've got to get to a point when you go, I enjoyed the Bible they didn't go let's do another volume people seem to like this story yes they did what the New Testament the Old Testament was a massive success they did it once then they did like a special for the fans but all I'm saying is one sequel but they didn't they didn't keep going on

and we did three lots of the podcast yeah it's more than enough for anyone but I just wanted to give you know the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the enough. Sick of the people on the internet, oh he's moaning. Why? Who are most? Just moan. Who do? People do. I'm sick of it. We shouldn't. They said, he's said I'm not even real. He said he's an actor, he's called Graham. That annoyed me. That's the thing that annoyed me most. Not me, what am I? Well, it would annoy me if someone was accusing me or something. I mean, that's the thing. No, it annoyed you because they were stating a falsehood. Yeah, that's what annoys me. That's what did me add in.

Let's play a record and be back with Carl after this. Richard Ashcroft, he's from your neck of the woods, isn't he? Richard Ashcroft, check the meaning. He's from your neck of the woods, isn't he? We're doing. Um, yeah, we were just discussing, um... The fact how miserable and mean, Carl is. He won't do anyone a favor. Do do the favors. I shifted your tele. Oh, hold on. He shifted the television. I gave him a bed bed bed bed bed bed bed bed bed bed bed bed bed bed bed bed bed bed the bed the bed, the bed, the bed, the bed, the bed, the bed, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. to, the to, to, to, the to, to. to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to. to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the tha. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. the the the the the the the the thea.ea.ea.e.e.e.e.e. too. too. too. C. C. C He shifted my tele. I gave him a television! I gave him a bed! He went, I shifted your bed.

No, I gave you a bed! That's how he couches things! I cashed that bloody check you wrote to me? Unbelievable. Who's the last person you did a favor for where you weren't expecting something in return? I'm always treating people people people people people people! It might be a homeless fella. It might be some charity. I'm sick, honestly, the amount of money I give away to some I'm not sure to talk about it.

It might be a girl friend who got a lovely new camera for Christmas, still wrapped up from when it was given to you as a leaving present present to you as have a great day. No, I've never seen you have a great day. It doesn't matter what, it's unbelievable. You're winging all the time, miserable. Nothing impresses you, nothing at all. The best I've ever heard you was, was it all right that? Well, tell us about the last time you had, what was, oh I must end this by giving so many to a homeless fellow? Um, I mean yeah, I don't have a great day.

But what I mean is a day when they go, do you know what? I'm quite content. That's amazing. A long way from a good day. That is the equivalent of him skipping a life. I, every night before I nod off, I lie there, and I think what sort of a day they had and I'll go through it and I'll go yeah that was all right. How boring is that? No it's good you've got to do that otherwise what was the point of the day if you're never gonna look back on it and go what if I don't know yeah that was all right what's the point of it happening but how often do you go wow I've really achieved a lot today not because I remember because I remember one you the the the day the day the day the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their is is their is their is their is their is their is their is the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their is is is is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their today is today is today is. I today is. I today is. I today is today is their their their their their is their is their is the Cobblers and back. I didn't even know Cobbler still existed. Yeah, that was a 24-hour period we were talking about there. You kept a diary. It mainly consisted of had a chip butty in a cafe with Suzanne and then you talk about an old woman you saw.

That was your day. I've made it a thing that I do now that I like to learn something. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. What have you learn. I. I the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the the. the the the to ta. the toda. the the toda. the the the toda. the the the the. the. what have you learned today? Well, I'm doing anything yet. Brilliant. But what I'm saying... I've been not a generous man, you're in the your university don't repay them. And that's coming from Steve Merchant? I'm just saying as long as I always think if you've learned something, yeah, then the day's not been wasted. What have you learned yesterday? What have you learned yesterday? What have you the first? What's? What's? What's? What's? What's? What's? What's? What's? What's? What's? What's? What's? What's? What's? What's? What's? What's? What's? What's? What's? What's? What's? What's? What's? What's? What's? What's? What's? What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, you're th? You're th? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You, you? You, you? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? What, what? What, what? What, what? What, what? What, what? What, what? What, what? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What, what? What, what? What, what? What, what? What, what? What, what? What, what? What, what? What, what? What, what? What, what? What, what? What, what? What, what? What, what? What's. Right, yeah. There's a, um, scientists have done the first brain robot interface. They've put like a hundred electrodes on the part of the cortex that is for your motor system and they put it on a monkey's brain and through the power of thought he learned how to use a robot arm. So just by thought just like you do your own arm you know and it was it took him a few days not years in a few days this monkey was making this robot arm pick up grapes and put it in his own mouth

through the power of thought right Carl went did he have his own arms I went yeah he went with whether he's lazy then. Don't you th. Don't th. Don't th. Don't th. Don't th. Don't th. Don't th. Don't th. Don't th. Don't th. Don't th. Don't th. Don't th. Don't th. Don't th. Don't th. thi. thi. thi. thi. the the the the thi's tho' tho' their. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. the. the. the. the. the. the. So. So. the. the. So. the. So. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. t. t. tttth. th. th. th. th. the. the. So. So. the. the the power of thought, right? Carl went, did he have his own arms? I went, yeah, he went with these lazy then. Don't you think it's a bit wasted on a chimp? One, what's it doing? All they ever do is eat or chuck shit about. So why give them a decent new robotic arm? Well, who are you going to give it to? I just mean give it to something that something that. What a giraffe? No, something more, if they could link that

up to a worm, I'd go, that's good. Well, how could a worm think to use a robot arm? Listen to me. They can't think. Hang on, I would like to know. I'd like to know how this tiny worm... How do you know? What I'm saying is, are we going to faff about here and get animals giving them extra arms, don't they weren't giving a monkey an extra arm? They were testing this theory that they could make the first computer brain interface. The thought went from the brain, threw a computer and made this arm work. That's incredible. The upshots are, you can really You have have have have have a bi the working the working the working the worm the worm the worm the the worm the the the the the the the th. th. th. You're th. thine thi w w w. You're thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. We're thi. We're thi. We're thi. They're thi. They're thi. They're thi. They're thi. They're thi. They're thi. They're thi. They's thi. They's thi. They's thi. They thi. They're th. They're th. They're th. They're th. They're th. They're the animals. They're thi. We're thin. We're thin. We're thin. I thin. We're th. We're thin. We're th. We're thin. We're th. We're thin. We're th. We're thin. We're th. We're th. We're th. I the upshots are the you can you can really have bionic arms you could have amputees having perfectly working dextrous limbs and your response to that is give it to a worm I'd just say I'd be more I'd sort of be fascinated about seeing it more if they said look at what the worms wants to do with an arm if it had one

I can't I think I should give it to you and see what you do with the arm they they they they they they they they they they they they they the the they the they the they they they the they the they they the the they they they they they they they they to to to to to to to to to to to the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their their their their their their their their their their their their the the the the the the the the the the the the the try try try try try try try try try try took tell took try took tell you took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took to to do with an arm if it had one. Carl, I honestly couldn't know how are your brain were. I think it was you give it to you and see what you do with the arm. What, I tell you what, how would it worm, how could a worm have an arm, Carl? It wouldn't have an arm. It wouldn't have an arm. It was a robot. It's, let me explain it to you, I'd to explain it to, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how.......... to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. How, how would would would would would would would would would. How, how would would would. to. How, how, how would. to. to. to. to do the tests on the wrong animals. No, they do it on the closest thing to the human being it, they can. I tell you what I read, do you know I say I like to learn something every day and what have you? A few weeks ago it was about our worm, they've given it anti-aging cream.

Right? When have you ever seen an old worm? How do we know if it's any good? I could I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I the age th th th th th the th th th th th th th th th th that is that is that is that is that is thateateateateateateat is a that is a thateateate. th th th th thi. that is thu. that is thu. thu. thu. thu. th th th th they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they th that th that that that that that that that that that te te te try try try try try try try try try try they they they they they they they they any good? I could not tell you the age of a worm. I've seen loads of them. Give it a tortoise. Play a record. Bob Dylan, positively fourth street. I actually, Rick, was in Vietnam a couple of weeks ago. Oh yeah. And I know, I don't know if this was thanks to your campaign, but I did pass somewhere, it was admittedly a European person, but as I passed, they went, oh, Carl Pilkins has got a head like a fucking orange. That's amazing. She's lovely to see.

I've had it all the way around the world. That's in Vietnam. What were you doing in Vietnam? Eh, you know, just, erred there was a war, went over to see if that was wrapped up. They finished that while ago. So you've been to Vietnam, you went to Cuba, yeah, Cambodia, Kenya. I was wondering, would you ever consider going to a holiday destination where you didn't have to have injections in the stomach to get in? Well, you know what? I am an adventurer by spirit. I'm a sort of Indiana Jones figure and plus someone was paying for it. We did it, pardon me, we did it in high class luxury. There was no slum in it.

I felt bit bad because I was worried that I wouldn't see the real Vietnam. But I did, I did see to see the air the air to see the air to see the air the air to see the air the air to see the air the air the air to see the air the air the air tha. I did the air th. I did the air th. I did th. I did thoomeck. I did thi. I'm the air thiol-a. I'm thoomome. I'm thoome. I'm thoome. I'm thoome. I'm thoome. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thea. I'm thea. I'm toea. I'm toooooooooooooooooo. I'm toda. I'm thea. I'm thea. I'm thea wouldn't see the real Vietnam, but I did, I did see the real Vietnam from the air-conditioned 4x4 that I was being driven to my five-star hotel. And what's it like? It's great, it's really good. I mean, obviously, the war was a long time ago, so they've got back on the, you know, back their uppers. I don't know what I mean, I don't they. I mean. I mean. I mean. I mean. I mean. I mean. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm thin. I'm thin. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I was th. I was that thi. I was th. I was that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that I was that I was that I was that I was that I was that I was that I was that I was that I was that I was that I was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was thin. I was th. I was th. I was thee. I was the. theat the. the. the. the. the. the. the. I was the. I was the? Yeah, back on. Anyway, there's doing well, a lot of nice people, a lot of generous people, you know, obviously there's poverty. Yeah, there's a couple of things over there I think which would really intrigue you, Carl, and I think it's a great shame that you're not more adventurous as a traveler, because I think it would really open your eyes. You're having a laugh. He goes to the same the same the same to to the same to the same to to the same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same. He goes. He goes. He goes. He goes. He goes. He goes. He goes the same same. He goes. He goes. He goes. He goes. He goes. He goes. He's th. He goes the same same same. He goes. He's th. He's tho. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's a th. He's a th. He's a th. He's a th. He's a th. He's a th. He's a th. He's a th. He's a th. He's a th. He's a thin. He's a th. He's a th. He's a thin. He's a th. He's a th. He's a th. He's a th. He's a I know Vietnam's... There's nothing there. I know, but I don't sort of... What I've seen of Vietnam, I had a mate who went to somewhere like that.

He showed me a picture, I had a picture of him, uh, walking around with a bag of locust. That had been sold, and that's to eat. Well, I did actually, I had to the phrase at one point, oh, I think, I that, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, that, that, that, that, that, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to point, oh I think that gecko is repeating on me. So I mean I am quite exotic. I don't mind, I tell you what I didn't do though and I think I would fascinated to have seen you down there. There's a place in Vietnam just outside of Hanoi called Snake Village, right? And it is a long, long tradition in Vietnamese culture of eating snakes. In fact one of the tourists even said, one of the guides the guides the guides the guides the guides the guides the guides the guides the guides the guides the guides the guides the guides, the guides, the guides, the guides, the guides, the guides, the guides, the guides, the guides, the guides, the guides, their guys, their their their thatsats, thinks, thinks, thinks, thinks, I'm, fascinated, fascinated, I'm fascinated, fascinated, fascinated, I'm fascinated, fascinated, fascinated, fascinated, fascinated, fascinated, fascinated, fascinated, I's, fascinated, fascinated, I, fascinated, fascinated, I, I, fascinated, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, fascinated, I, I, I, I, fascinated, thianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianianian, their, thi, thats, thats, thats, thats, thats, thats, fascinated, thats, thats, thats, fascinated, fascinated, fascinated, fascinated, thats, fascinated, fascinated, fascinated, fascinated, thats, fascinated, fascinated, thats of the guides actually said, we will eat anything. And they eat snakes over there and I'm not just talking about tiny little ones, I mean proper great big mamasakes, sometimes even king cobras, which I think may even be endangered in some parts of the world. And anyway in snake village, you go over there, I didn't go because it was just a bit too

squeamish. You sit down, they they slit it open in front of you. That's disgusting. The blood dribbles into a cup and then if you're the guest of honour, they take the still beating heart and they make you drink it from a glass. Yeah, you see, I've never fancied that. No. I've never sort of thought, you know what? I just think it's, it's not all already. I's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, their, their, their, their, their. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they's. their, their, their, their, the, it's like endurance. Well, I don't... I'm not suggesting that you would enjoy that.

I'm saying that there are many of these interesting, you know, exotic worlds out there. You just stay coseted in the tiny little world and winge about everyone else. Oh, and do this and that. You've got no real empathy. I mean, I went to trouble with his boiler, there was a big leak in your flat, wouldn't they? But that's fine, looking at stuff like that. All I'm saying is, when it comes to the point when I'm getting hungry, don't be serving me a snake's head. I'd love to see a little floating village. But why is it every restaurant you go in, you know, do some the restaurant, do the restaurant, do their their their their their their their their their their their their their, do their, do their, do their, their, their, their, their, th. th. their, looking th. that, th. that, looking that, looking that, looking at it, looking at it, looking at it, looking at it, looking at that, looking that, looking that's that, looking that, looking that, looking that, looking that, looking that, looking that, looking that, looking that, looking that, looking that, looking th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. All, looking, looking, looking, their, looking, like, like, their, like, like, they. they. th. th. thi. All, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's that's that's that's thi. All, them and he said, it's sort of alive when you're eating it, you have to hit it on the head to knock it out a bit and eat it before it wakes up again. I don't want a meal where you're sort of having to do that to it. I'm not going to enjoy it thinking is it waking up yet.

I haven't finished my starter. Oh, it's rolling, ittalking about one particular exotic restaurant. What was your last holiday? A couple weeks ago, wasn't it? Yeah, it was a cheap one though. It was only 250 quid. Yeah, brilliant. Go on. Just a place in Monarcha. You don't want to waste money, do you?

Minorka. It's just, uh... same places over there? Yeah there's not I mean I'll yeah you're right I mean there was nothing there to see it was it was just even the weather wasn't that good but it was a race of time the wonder it was good I don't know why it went but but it's an experience so you and Suzanne went away for an told I'm a too theylic holiday it was 250 pounds all in for a week was it? Weather wasn't very good there was nothing to see. It was a shit old. What did you do? I just sat outside and I was watching in the ring. Really you didn't even need to hire a villain then you could have just like pitched up and so can't sit there. We had our own space and for the first date it was all right and then then a family moved in next door from Scotland and they were loud and I ate it when people are loud and you can't understand what they're saying because their accents was really strong so it's like no I can't sit in listen to what's going on.

It's like really strong accent. The kid was only young but he sounded old. Do you know what? I don't mean? I don't that means. I don't know. I don't that means. No I've no idea. Just the Scottish voice it sounds old. It sounds. It sounds, even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even. the baby. the baby. the baby. the baby. the baby. the baby. the baby. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. It's. It's a th. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like, I. It's like, I. It's like, I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I. I, I the the th. I th. I don't know what that means. This is what I'm saying. You don't you don't go anywhere where you can embrace the change in the difference. You go to places where just some annoying people come and you're moving next door. Yeah, it depends on what much you want out of life, how much you know what, yeah, like I've said to your life's about learning. What do you want to learn? I'm just saying that that's what life's about is about is about is about is about is about life is about life is about life is about life is about life is about life is about life is what's about life is what life is what life is what life is what life is what life is what life is what life is what life is the life is the life is the life is their life is about life is about life is about life is about. their. their life is about. their. their life is about. I is about. I is about. I's about about about about. I's about life is. I's about life is. I's about life is life is life is life is life is life is life is life is life is about life is about life is about life is about life is about life is about life is about life is about life is about life is about life is about life is what life's about. If you don't learn anything, then what's the point? You might as well be a Mayfly. Right. We've got all these years on the planet. Yeah. See Summit. Hold on. This is what Steve's saying. I know. But I'm saying, watch it on the tele.

There we are. There's the rub. Ryleo Kylie, portions for Foxes. If you love good music by the way you can tune into six music on Sunday afternoons to SteveShare. Well at the moment you're listening to Enemy Radio. You can listen to that on Enemy Radio. Or on your tele or on your tele, on the internet, everywhere around the world. Enemy. Probably, along with Enemy, Roanmestone on the internet, everywhere around the world. Enemy. Probably along with Rolling Stone, one of the most famous, most respected music. Well yeah, but you can carry on reading Rolling Stone magazine after you're about 16 years of age. Have you read the enemy?

Not for a while. The letters pages. People complaining about the haircut of the bloke from the Kaiser Chiefs. It's not a pressing concern. Move on. pages. People complaining about the haircut of the bloke from the Kaiser Chiefs. It's not a pressing concern. Move on. Oh. It's the problem, isn't it? That's me with music. I like to sing along to a track. But... I doubt that. I do. Go on. No, I sort of hum. Go on then. What's the last track you hummed along to? What's your shower song? People supposedly have a shower song they sing in the shower. What's yours? Oh, with my boiler being broke, it's got to be a short one.

How's that going? People wouldn't believe, you see that's the other thing that people think, you know, I've been moaning about the boiler since what, about 2006. Yeah. I've had it fixed loads of times, still the fault now every summer it's come around again, you know, the hot weather, it's not working. Get a new one. I can't get a new one. People keep saying getting a new one and I can't get a new one. Why? One will fit one in the cupboard that it's in. What you can't find a single boiler in the world? No. What they said, what they said, they're they're they're they're th. they're th. th. they're th. th th th th th th th th th th thi thi thi thi thi, thi, thi, it's come thi, it's come thi, it's come th thi, it's come thi, it's come thi, it's come tho, it's come tho, it's come th. It's come th. It's come th. It's come th. It's come come come come come come come come come come their their their th. It's come come th th th th th th th th th th th th thi, it's come thi, it's come thi, it's come their their thi, it's come thi, it's come thi, it's come that that that that to try and sort it and he said oh I don't want to tap that one it seems too dangerous. He said have you got an alarm in here? He said it lets out gases make sure you have a thing because this is old boiler I'm not messing with it. So immediately you went out and got to got that scene to. No, what they said they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they don't want they they th th that that that that tho to to to say I don't want to say I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that. I that that that that that that that that th th th th th th that that that that that that that that that. I don't want that. I don't want that that that that that to to the to to say that that that that that that that that that is no one anywhere who can take this boiler. What they've got to do, they just got to blow up the house, have they?

What they said was, they said we can put one in your lounge for you. Because they said you've got to knock a wall down all this. It's not worth it. It's not worth it. It's not worth. I can't be bothered so yeah it is still ongoing. He hadn't got to wash his air. That's true. So yeah I don't I don't really have a shower song but yeah music's all right I just I just don't want to know everything about it's like no it's good it's one of the seven wonders of the world it is yeah it's good it's it's beyond I can't describe I couldn't try to describe how amazing music is. Yeah yeah I know it's it it it it it it it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's the the the the the the the th I'm th I'm th I'm th I th I th is I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I the the the the the the the the the th. I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I th. I I I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I don't th th the thi th thi th th thi th th th th thi th th, I couldn't try to describe how amazing music is.

Not the shit we've been playing, but I mean, you know, Yeah, good music, classical. Vaughan Williams and Batehoeven. The music affects the brain in extraordinary ways. People with, you know, sleeping sickness who are otherwise almost in a vegetative state, hear music, they can suddenly be, you know, I was watching a documentary documentary the night about people with, you know, Turet syndrome where it affects, you know, the body and different spasms,

you know, they have spasms and twitches and twitches, but when they're drumming, all that all those spasms and twoooo, their own. Other people who've got the IQ of children and yet, and yet they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they th. And yet, and th. And yet, and th. And yet, and th, and th, th, though, you, where, where, you th, where, where, you th, you th, you their, you th, you their, where, you th, where, you their, where, you their, you their, you affect, you affect, you affect, you affect, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you th. And, you th. And, you th. And, you tha, you tha, you tha, you tha, you tha, you tha, you know, you know, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, thaugh, tha, their, their, you know, the you. It does, yeah. There's an Elvis song that my air's always go up on my back every time I hear it. I don't know why. Every time I know why. He's on your head. But you've worked in music, you've worked around music for years and not once has it improved your IQ? No, I like, do you know the biggest problem steeor? I don't want to moan. You do. You can't you. You can't you. You can't get you. You can't get. You can't get. You can't get. You can't get. You can't get. You can't get. You can't get. You can't get the th. You can't get the the th. You can't get th. You can't get th. You can't get th. You can't th. You can't get the th. You can't th. You th. You the their their their their that's their their their their. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I the th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I think that's, music's almost got too important now. People can't think and that's the problem with music. There's always noise, you can't get away from it and I can't concentrate. If there's any sort of noise, I can't concentrate. My brain's going, what's the noise? And my ears are going to have a look. I love the fact that your brain is talking to your ears. It's all connected. The only ears I genuinely think that conversation is going on in the cause. And I think the ears are slightly cleverer

than his brain. No, that's the all, they all kicking, don't they? I'm sat there, my brain's working. I might be writing something. I might be doing that book and think of my brain's going right. And then a noise happens outside. My their noise. My noise. My noise. My noise. My noise. My noise. My their. My their. My their. My their is is. My their. My their is. My their is. My their is. My eyes. My their is. My their is. My their is. Their is. Their noise is is is they are. My ears is is they are. Their is are. Their is are. Their is are. Their is are are are are are are are are are are are are are are are are are are are are are. Their is are. Their is are. Their is are. Their is is are. My. My. My. My. My. My. My. My. My. My. My. My. My. My. My. My. My. My. My. My. My. My. My. My. My. My. The. The. The. They. The. They is. They's. They's. They are. They are. They are. They're all. They're all. They're all. They're all. They're all. They are all. They are all. They are all. They are all. They are all. They are all. They are all. They're all., go on then. Suddenly, they're not even thinking about the book. They, all the same. No, it's you! No, but there's no conversation between ears and eyes and brains. He's read the numbskulls. Do you remember that? There's a kid.

Lots of little people inside a person's brain. Yeah, turning a wheel to move it quite. How do you know which one's in charge? Because my brain was quite happy doing that book, but my ears got bored. Making a look about someone, if you're listening, making it out about, the brain was quite happy working on the book, but my ears got bored. No, the way I see it is your brain is like the adult. The adult. And your ears, in your eyes are are like the kids, and they get bored quicker. And the brain's quite happy. This doesn't work at all as a metaphor on any level. Biologically, biologically? It does.

No, it doesn't. It doesn't work at all. It does, because your brain does the thinking. Now, if I have ears are nothing to put it off, it's concentrating, that's a distraction. So that's what I'm saying. Your ears are just receptacles. Hear him, mate. Yes.

So if your ears can't do their job, it's like a well-beaved kid, it sits there, it's quite happy. It's not interesting what's going on around it. Take the earplugs out, they go mental. What's that noise, what noise, what noise, what noise, what noise, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, the noise, the noise, the noise, the noise, the noise, the noise, the noise, the noise, the noise, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the. their. their. their. Here, their. their. their. th. tho, their. tho. thoooooo. thooooo, their. their. th. thooooooooo. Here, their. Here, their. Here, th. Eyes, go and have a look. I don't know what you're talking about. This is the ramblings of a maniac. Can you tell your brain, just tell your mouth to talk some sense? Well, which order would you say it works in? Well, it's all working at the same time, isn't it? No, but your brain's at the beginning? If it was a circuit, your brain come first, but they're passive. Your ears are merely receptacles for sound, right? They're a conduit to the brain. So hearing is only thought. Hearing isn't the airwaves hitting your ear.

You can't block it out. No, what I'm saying is, that's a passive thing. Your fingers, when it touches something, it's your brain that develops that information. Your fingers aren't going all, I don't recognise that, it's a breeze of cheese. It just touches it and your brain recognise it. It's all done in the brain. No, not convinced? I'm just...

That information is still being worked on by the brain. All I can do is tell you the way I work and I know if I'm sat in a a a quiet in a quiet in a quiet in a quiet in a quiet in a quiet in a quiet in a quiet in a quiet in a quiet in a quiet in a quiet in a quiet in a quiet in a quiet in a quiet in a quiet in a quiet in a quiet in a quiet in a quiet in a quiet in a quiet in a quiet in a quiet in a quiet in a the the the the the the way, the the way, the way, that's, that's, that's, that's, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, the way, the way, the way, the way, the way, the way, they.a, they.a, they.a, they.a, they.a, they.a, they.a, they. on by the brain. All I can do is tell you the way I work and I know if I'm sat in a quiet place with nothing around me. You can't tell me the way your brain works. My ears get bored. That there's no sense at all. I'm telling you if I'm in a quiet place the brain is happier. It can focus on what it's doing. The ears almost go, there's now to hear here, call it, the their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their their their the way, the way, the way, the way, the way, the way, the way, the way, the way, the way, the way the way the way the way the way the way, the way the way, the way, the way, the way, the way the way, the way the way, the way, the way the way the way, the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way th is th is thi thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's the way the way the way day. My eyes are going, well there's now to see outside, just just chill out. Whereas if there's a noise outside, if it's a noisy street, everything's kicking in. My brain's getting annoyed, my brain, the ears are going, what's that racket? My eyes are thinking, what's the scream? What's your eyes thinking what's the scream? What? What's the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their noise is their noise is their noise is their noise is their noise is their noise is their noise is their noise, their noise, their noise, their s. their s. their s. their s. their noise, their s. their noise, their s. their noise, their s. their s. their s. their what's the scream what why your eyes getting concerned with noise there to see what the ears have heard ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha to the tel to the carpe lullaby on enemy radio with me Ricky Javais

Stephen Merchard hello Carl Pilkington all right now Hello, Carl Pilkington. Now, straight after your holiday, you got home and then came out to visit me in Boston on the set of my film I was doing. How was that? Well, I didn't want to do it, did I? He called up and said, do you want to come out. Do a favour for me? Ricky said, can you do a favour for me? You thought no? Well, no, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't want to do it did I? He called up and said, do you want to come out? Do a thing for me? Ricky said, can you do a favour for me? You thought no? Um, well no, I didn't, I didn't just go no. I sort of said what is it? And he said, oh what's the thrown? their part and he said, oh, what's you want. I'll do. So I thought yeah I could treat Susan to that. I thought a little part for him. They'd probably

pay two flights you know she's coming out you there and I thought I thought I'd share it with friends. I'm a generous guy. Yeah so so I thought oh she'll love that that will get me in the good book so I said listen we go out of Boston she goes right they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they'll they'll they'll th th th th th th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they to to the the took took took took took took took try took I took try she goes right anyway Ricky books the tickets and that she can't get time off because we've just been in Menorca so they said hang on you've just had a week off you can't go anywhere so I had to go on my own right which you know fair enough I'd said I'd go by that that tho'n't been booked the costume that I needed for the film bit had been made I couldn't get out of it I was I was I was I was the to to to the to the to go to go to go the to the the to the to the the to the the the the th the to th th th th th th to to to to to to to to to to to th th to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the took the the the took the took to to to to to to the to to the too that I needed for the film bit had been made. I couldn't get out of it. I was in too deep. Anyway, go there. Boston isn't worth seeing. I mean you're

talking about traveling the world and you know opening your eyes and seeing new things. There's nothing to see in Boston. It's Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks. There's nothing else. I'm not being unfair there. I mean it looks nice, there's nice buildings. You mean there's not a museum of the weird? They had some of it to do with tea bags, didn't they that? No, it was the Boston Tea Party. It was not nothing to do with tea bags. Other than that, other than that, one of the founding events of America. It wasn't some chimpsh. It's their tipipipip. It's their their their. It was, their. It was, their. It was, their, tode, their, tode, tode, tho, tho, o' thi. Other, o' tho, o' tho, o' tho, their, o' tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, they. It's, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. You, th. You, th. You, th. You, thi. You's thi. You thi. You thi. You the. You thea. You thea. You thea. You thea. You thea. You thea. You thea. You there's there's there, there's there, there, to do with tea bags. So other than that, it wasn't chimps. There was no chimps involved in the Boston Tea Party. For me, I went out for a walk on two of the days when I wasn't on to work. Yeah, oh yeah, he only worked for one day, four

days in a hotel, all paid for, one day's work. I mean, it really is, he really is ungrateful. So anyway, Steve, dressed up as a caveman in some old animal stuff, which you thought... This was for the film, was it? This wasn't just your natural, natural. So could I just say it was not real fur, I insisted there was no real fur. Well, you say that, I get back, right? I'm run down, because I didn't sleep, thus. If Suzanne's not in the bed, It's something, it's like a feel. Well she's got to be there to tell you to sleep.

Close your eyes. Yeah, it just sleeps. And now ears? Stop listening. Stop listening. Stop listening. Sleauze. So yeah,

but you were sleeping. If you don't sleep, it's basic, basic sort of biology. If you don't sleep, you get run down. Sloads never get a flu because it's good and that's when your body's replenishing. What is it then? Stop, stop, stop. Can we just go over that one? Replemishing. What is it then? I'm going to burst. The sloths never get flu because that's when your body's replemishing.

So the thing is, I'm bound to get ill you know where it's like you're always like got a cold and always always dising you everything's a piss I'm just saying because you're a bit of a sickly child so you don't understand oh Jesus I'm only to go at the looks and then only because I'm try to get him on my side so anyway so anyway so uh so I'm shattered I get back so I think that this isn't shaking off and the the the the the the the the the the the the th th th th th is th th th is th th th is th is th th th th is th th is th th is a th is a th is a th is a the. the. the. I'm thi. I'm just things. I'm just things. I'm just the. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just just. I'm just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just. to to to to to to to to to to th. th. th. th. th. th. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just th. I'm just thi. I'm just thi. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm not. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm shattered, I get back, so I think it's a bit weird that this isn't shaking off. And there was some news report about how there's some serious illnesses in planes, because stuff goes out the engine and into the... Oh yeah, it's people from all over the world with all different things and breathing the same there.

So I'm thinking, oh what have I got? to that your body shut down. You got a whole day. Yeah you need you need this when your body needs replenishing and I am I am a doctor and I know replenishment is one of the best slownes. So I said I said I said to him I'm not one to moan I hardly go to see him. He went are you can't see this fellow so said look, look I can't shake this cold off. I woke up the other night shaking and he said, oh, virus, right? So uh... Which isn't scary at all? Because everything, you know?

Well, there's some dodgy viruses, that's what I'm saying. So, uh, because of the virus. What else was it? I don't know. Not a doctor. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, there, there, there, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there. Well, there. Well, there. Well, there. Well, there. Well, there. Well, there, there, there, there's there's there's some, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th's some, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, there's some, there's some, there's some, there, th. Well, it goes to the virus. What else was it? What else did he be? I don't know. I'm not a doctor. So, so I said, oh, when's it going to go? And he said, oh, might it be two weeks this one. Seems like a bad one. Quite clammy, he said. So, um, so I said, yeah, I feel a bit clammy, yeah. And he said, yeah, you will do. So anyway. So, th I felt I th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the. I the. I the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the' the. the. the' the' the' the' the' thin' thin' thin' th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the the. It's the the the. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to the the theee. the the. the the. that and I'm more confident with the doctor because you know You've got your best off and all that so you think why not just let him do a bit of a body check So I said doctor whilst I'm here I think I've got some Xma on my leg and it goes let's have a look and I said there that's not Xma So you got a touch a ringworm So straight away anything with a worm in it you're going you what? And uh? and uh?, yeah, a tap worm and stuff. So he's going, yeah, ringworm.

And he saw me panic and he went, don't worry. You pictured a worm with a giant mechanical eye, I'm crawling up your back. He could see by my face was a little bit like, I've got a worm. He's going, don't worry, the worm. He, he. He, he. He, he. He, he. He, he. He, he. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He, he. He. He, he. He, he. He, he. He, he. He, he, he, he's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He's, he. He's, he. He's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. It's th. It's th. It's makes, he's makes, he's th. It's makes, he's makes, he's th. He's th a worm. And I said how have I got that then? And I reckon it's from this bear suit. It wasn't it was where it was. It's a little bit weird that I had bare boots on. I had bare boots on and where the bare boot was I ended up with ringworm on me. Do you know why it's where it was? Because the only bit of your leg showing, because you had bare boots on fake fur tunic and the th, and th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thuui, thui, and their, and their, thuuu, and their, and I was thu-and, and I was thu, and I was thu, and I was, and I was, and I was, and I was, and I was, and I was, and I was, and I was, and I was, and I was, and I was, and I was, the the thu, thu, th, th, thu, thu, thuuu, thuuu, thuuuuuuu, and thui, and I was thui, and thui, thui, their their their thr-s their their their thr-s, their their thr-s, and their their thr-s, and thr a fake fur tunic and the only bit showing was your shin. You were walking around in long grass. You got it from the grass. Well no, because I said to him, because I wanted to wear the words bear suit from him. I said, where, but, what, what's, the chances of that? I said, where? Doctor, weird, isn't it? I said thou'tied out with Ricketts, right? Because I'd never heard a ringworm since I was a kid. I remember some dirty kid at it at school. I mean my mom sort of said don't go near him. So I said,

I said ringworm then, doctor? Where ever got that from? Think he'd say that? he to say, have you thin' he he he he he he. he. he. he. he. he. he. thin. th. thin. thi. thi. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to to to. to. to. toda. thi. thi. No he didn't. He did. Why did he say that to you? Well this is what he said he said gay people I said right take that off he said he said he said the wrestlers. Why do wrestlers get it? And I said I don't understand the connection. I said I don't know any gays I don't know any wrestlers and he went well it's the body, skin rubbing you, why do any gay people get it then? Why do you, sexual people get it? I don't know, didn't quiz him. But then he said, uh, he said, what about... Did a doctor really say to you, gay people get it?

You might have said like, um, homosexuals. Does this doctor operate from a park bench somewhere? Sorry! Why did he have a lot of the carrier bags with would his first thing be ringworm, gay people get it? So yeah I said I said not not gay, no I said I don't know any wrestlers. That's a fact and then he said have he stroked any any bald pets? Any bald pets? Bald? He said have he stroked anything with air missing? Bald. That's just yourself? And I said, I can't, can't remember. And I couldn't be bothered. Sorry, were these all euphemisms?

Like, the wrestlers get it? Wink, do they? Yeah. You stroke to the bald hair, this thing? No, doctor. OK, gay people get it. Let's, look, are you gay? I want the stroke some a board

once so I just I didn't I didn't want to get into the bears suit thing because then he'd be thinking what's he you got it you've got it so what what were so he had a list of reason of yeah he's read this other list was he no he did it from his head he knew it already he didn't have to look at a form or anything. He went Ringworm. He's obviously had a few people in there who have had it and they've gone. Ringworm? That's a bit of weird. Where have I got that from? And he knew straight away. So he said he had three people in there with Ringworm. One of them was a wrestler, one of them had a shaved dog and one of them was a homosexualist. Hmm. Is this the same doctor who to say that my nerves were too short from my body? Yeah. Different fella. Um, so yeah, ringworm I got from my time in Boston. Well, that was a heck of a story.

I'm beginning to wonder if the reason Susan didn't go with you on that trip was not to do with work obligations. I'm a test transmission. It's a test transmission. Yeah. Oh, it is a test transmission. Testing. Yeah. If you're hearing this, then it's working. Who are you?

Um, who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who's that little bald-headed, mank twack chimp over there? It's me, isn't it? Alright. Yeah, well we need your name, don't we? Oh Carl, that is. Telling you, I was talking to you earlier about going to Vietnam, and I'm not good, I mean

although I like to travel as you know I like to go to exotic places, this is going to come as a surprise to you Rick, but I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I th th 7 and quite pasty and white and I find it very hard to blend in with say Vietnamese people. Sure. But this time I thought I'd embrace this and I've brought you something as to show you it's not really going to be very helpful on the on the enemy radio but I was started to wear a hat. I thought I'd buy a hat and wear a hat and I thought that I bought this last minute as I was just before I got the plan I was doing some shopping I thought I need to you know because you think you think you'd be something like from a Graham Green novel right exactly

they go um that they call him the Englishman exactly he's the wisest and yeah yeah exactly so I tho I th because you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you th th you th th you can th you can th you can you you you you you you you you th th I th tho tho th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I thi thi thi thou thi thou thi thou thi thi thou thi thi thou thi tho thooo tho tho tho tho the thi the you, you know? And so this is the hat I got. Christ. Maybe you should look away for a second I'll put it on and then you can. Now bear in mind it is a bit battered because it's been in bags and stuff. Sure. Steve what are you thinking? Right. No it is a bit battered and damaged I admit. Okay how can I, right it looks like a cross between someone Miss Marple would wear. That? th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi thi thi thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I the the the th. I the the the th. th. the thi. thin to to to to to to to to to to to toeeeeee. toeea. toe. toe. toe. toe. to to Marple would wear. That's nonsense. No, it does, it looks a bit like that. And there's a beer with the bloke drinking, what's that called, Morriette E beer? I think you're thinking of the Hofmeister bear. No, I'm not. It looks like Miss Marple's hat. It does. It's kind Marple's that. It's kind of moddy isn't it? It's not. It's a tweed thing that comes down that an old lady would wear. It's not a tweed with a limo. A librarian lady

would wear in the 1930s. It's not twee. I have never seen it. That you didn't really buy that did you to wear. I did. No you did. Yes I this. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. I. Yes. I. Yes. I. I. Yes. I. Yes. I. Yes. I. Yes. Yes. I. Yes. Yes. I. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. I th. Yes. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was a th. It was a the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. Right, I am now taping this on a camcorder. I will put this up on Ricky Gervais.com. I disagree. I think this genuinely looks good. I think it makes me look a bit like, say, Tom Waits or Farmer Barlamo. The point is this, right? I'm wearing the hat, I'm looking good. Okay. But people, people obviously, they can sense tha tha tha tha tha tha tha, I tha, I th and I thi thi thi thi thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm this, I this, I this, I'm this, I this, I this, I this, I this, I this, I this, I this, I this, I this, I this, I this, I this, I this, I this, I this, I this, I this, I this, I this, I this, I this this this this this this, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thin, I thin, I thin, I thin, I thin, I thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, they can sense that I'm a monied tourist. They can see how good I look and they know I got a little bit money in my pocket, can afford to buy hats, you know, and everything. So obviously I'm always a target for people, try and get money from me, stuff like that, which is always a hassle in it.

And I find it very difficult tipping when I'm abroad. I don't really understand what the rules are... tip. th. th. th. th. th. thin, thin, thin, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, I thi, thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th th, I th th th th th th th th th th thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi thi. thi thi, I thi, I thi, what the rules are with tipping. And that's a big anxiety for me. And also I have problems with the conversion, you know, because obviously when you go abroad. So the Vietnamese dong. Come on, there's nothing funny about that. That's just what it's called, right? For 63 US dollars, you can get a million dong, right? That's a lot of dong so I'm packing like a huge don't I got like you know two million dong like in me money belt under my shirt yeah you so so you get this image right you were wearing that hat and a bum bag yes but when I have a I have a I have a money belt I wear underneath the t-shirt right so it's not to see you know so people don't think I've got any money on me

and if I get mugged I can just go I've got any money on me because they would never think to look under the shirt and see the money belt right? Well that's still out of reach and their tree over there. Yeah and they are actually looking at the their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their th. th. th. thin. thin's thin's thin's thin' thee thee thee thee thee thee thee thee thee thee thee thee thee thee thee. thee thee thee thee thee thee thee thee thee. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I I I I I th. I th. I I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I the. I don't the. I don't the. I don't the. So thin. So the. So people theeeean. So people thean. So people thean. So thean. So people thean. So people thean. I don't the. I don't the. I went to a market at one point just to look at the things that were for sale there there's lots of eels and lots of fish lots of other interesting items right so I'm looking at the market I'm taking some photos and I notice this they're here this kind of murmur right that's going around the market and then I start to see them all the people in the market sort in the right the their to to to to to to to to their to to their their to their their their to their their their their to their their their their their their their their their their their so so I I'm to to their their so I'm to to to to their somea. some. I'm their so their some. some. I'm their so I'm their so I'm their so I'm so I'm so I so I so I so I so I so I so I so I I so I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I so I so I I I so I the the I the the I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm the the I'm try not try not try not try not try not try not try not try not try not try not try not try try try try try try, right? So they start and then... Did they think one of the big eels had escaped? Well, they started laughing? Oh no. They started openly pointing and laughing. One of them, right, started, like I think he was a postman. He looked like he might be a Vietnamese postman. I don't why that should make any difference, but he started doing a sort of lumbering sort of Frankenstein walk. I'm pointing at me, right?

A load of a whole section of them just started cackling with laughter. And then at one point, a woman in one of those sort of Vietnamese lampshade hats, right? She runs up behind me and she attaches to my back a sort of kick me thing. That you would have detached with some some nerd at school's back, right? She puts something like that on my back, I don't realize initially, so they're just chorling, they are weeping by now. And I'm talking like the whole market is in hysterics. And old ladies are coming up to me and just comparing their heights and then giggling. And I'm sort of trying to get this thing off my back so I look like like like like like like like to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to that this entire marketplace was just openly laughing at me.

And what angered me, Rick, was that I've spent a lot of time in this country, in the UK, right, building up a career, right, so that people don't laugh at me, right? They respect me, they see me as a man of great accomplishments and achievements. I go to another country where I... With that hat, exactly. Walking over those glasses with a little money belt on, maybe sandals. Sandals with socks because I got a foot infection. And it turns out that they're just laughing at me. Just openly mocking and laughing at me, right?

So I just genuinely, I got upset and I got in a... You threw down and you could go, left your clogs behind and got on the first plane back. I hopped in a ritual, straight back to the hotel, the hotel, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho, tho, tho, tho, that, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, tho, tho, tho. And, tho. And, thi. And, thi. And, toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. And, to. And, to the hotel where they do not laugh at me openly. But anyway, just to return to the Dong issue, right, this was what worried me was that obviously you got a tip so we had a driver for a few days, right, you got to leave him a tip and you've got. And I never felt a little bit awkward, when do you give him the tip and how do you? the tip and so I didn't I I I I I I I paid for the driver so I give him like $20 right which is like 10 quid you know I think and that seems like a good tip I get in there I read in the guidebook I should have only given him two dollars I'm giving him 20 but now I'm but no because hey you's a lot to him. He might have left his family, you know,

bought a different, you know, corrugated iron shack somewhere else. Well, I think it turned up with a hat like yours and said, exactly, we're mates now, let's go back to England. Let's pick up some ladies. So, um, so I, I was thin, I was thi, I was thinking, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, th, th, I, I, I, I, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. It, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, turned, turned, turned, turned, turned, t, turned, turned, turned, turn, turned, turned, turned, turned, turn, turned, turned, turned, turned, too, turned, too, turned, turned, turned, to, turned, to, turned, to, to, turned, to, to, to, to, too, to, too, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, turn, too, too, that was appropriate. So, but then I was worried because then I was thinking what if all the other drivers within his organization find out that I've given him like $20. They're all going to be expecting a big tip. So that was a big worry. But more than that, we'd also had a guide.

to the guide we'd's been talking English to a show in us around, helping us out. I've got to give him even more. Right, I ended up giving him a million dong. And how much is that? $63? I tip someone a million dollar. So he's a millionaire now. Yeah, I made someone a, look at my life. Neil Young, old man.

Carl, now you know traditionally at the zoo, they have to dart a dangerous animal, a lion or a gorilla, or whatever. They have to dart it. Oh yeah. Yeah, right? To take blood samples and check its health and stuff. So it's very stressful for the animal and quite dangerous to give it an anesthetic like that. So what they've started doing now, there's a bug, right, like a type of beetle, and it's a blood sucker. It's a little vampire bug, okay? It's about three centimeters long. What they do is they tie a piece of string around it, they let it go into the cage on the chimp. It sucks the chimps blood, the chimps' blood, they pull it back and they take the blood sample from it.

They've taught it to do that. Well they're not taught it to do anything. That's its nature. You put it near a warm-blooded mammal it will suck its blood. So they've just tied a string to it so they can get it back. And how often does it have to do that a day? Why I don't know? Why are these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these the important these the important the important the important the important the important the important the important the important the important the important the important the important? Why are the important? Why are their their their their their their their their their their their their. Why is is is. Why is. Why is. Why is. Why is. Why is? Why is? Why is? Why is? Why is? Why is? Why is? Why is? Why is? Why are? Why are? Why are? Why are? Why are th. Why are th. Why are th. Why are th. Why are th. Why are th. Why are these is these is th. Why are these is these is their th. Why are th. Why are th. Why are th. Why are these is their their their their their their their their their their th. Why are their? Why are their their their that a day. Why don't know? I don't know. Why are these the important questions? Just because... Is that incredible that they've got they've got this amazing symbiic relationship with a bug? Because that's what... Is it the same one? Say if these eight chimps in there, one beetle? Oh, Jesus. Carl, listen to me. I want to hear any specials. I'm just saying if there. If they're just, if they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they, they, they, they, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're, to be sick of eating. Well, then they probably have different beetles and they let it and And Carl I don't know why this is the it just I tell you why it annoys me Because it annoys him the other concern is that that beetle it might be enjoying, you know getting the blood and what have you? What happens if if one of them's got AIDS? What one of the chimps? That's where it came from. So safety is... Well then they're no and they say oh this chimps got AIDS let's... And what about the beetle? What are you saying you worried that the beetle will contract AIDS?

Well I don't know if that's how it works but all I'm saying is you get a dirty chimp in there. Um, he's got a tough a tou' tou'the' thea a thea a t t t t t t t thea' t t t t ttt ttttt ttttt the b'n't the b'n't the b'n't their their their their their their their their their their th. th. thi. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. th. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. tttttt. tm. tm. tm. tm. tm. tm. tm. tm. tm. tm. to. tm. tm. to. to. thee. thee. t. t. the beetle gets it and all I'm saying is it seems a bit unfair. What are you worried about the beetle working hard? It's eating what it is like. This is the same as getting in foreigners to make cheap trainers to me. They you know let the beetle do what it wants. I mean how long did they live? I read the other day about some elephant beetle they get about four months. Right? What do you think of this right this elephant this elephant this elephant the elephant the elephant the elephant the elephant the elephant. the elephant. the elephant. the elephant. the elephant. the elephant. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the b. I I the b. I the battle. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I was. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the te. I'm. I'm te. I'm te. I'm te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te beetle in the paper the other day, about the size of a gerbil. Right. Massif. Odd-looking thing, the bigger, the uglier it is. Why are you looking at me? No. In a way, that is the way it works, isn't it? I think size is a big deal in a way, because... This is interesting. Well, better being smaller aren't we? Well it depends what do you mean? Well no if you're a float in the Atlantic Ocean and it's four degrees centigrade it'd be

better to be fat. I didn't really mean like that I just meant in terms of like Steve I've mentioned he's taller than those he's always he's always ill well well that's not a big a talle th I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I the th is is the th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th th th th th thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th the th is th th th is th th is th th th th thi. thi. thi. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi deal with his to hide. I just think bigger people, it's like that Zhang lung or whatever the world's tallest man. It's always sneezing and that. It's always got something up with him because he's not meant to be that big. Small fellas, you never see a midget in a doctor's waiting room. They never get they never get ill, do they? you never see one getting run over because they're they're too too too too too too they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're too they're they're too they're too too they're too they're too too too too too they're too th. they're thi. they're thi. thi. they're thi thi they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're th th th th thi. thi. thi. too too too too too too small too small too small too small too small too small too small too small too small too small too small too small to tho that. You never see a midget in a doctor's waiting room. So maybe they're there. No they're not. So what I'm saying to you is this beetle that's massive size of a gerbil. Yeah but it's still, but a gerbil is small. What do you mean? No this is a big one. This beetle is massive, it lives four months. There's been in a banana crate. It lives. It lives. It lives. It lives. It lives. the b, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. they's they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they's, they's they's, they's they's they's they's they're, they're, they're, they're they're they're they're they're they're they're their, their, their th. th. th. the. the. the. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're over here they're upset for it because it's been in this banana crate for it could be like three months and the whole purpose of the elephant beetle is to have it away. That's all it wants in its life. It's only got four

months and it loves having it away with another beetle and it hasn't had it. So they they found it in this crate and it looked distraught. They said it was showing all signs of like desperately wanting to tow it away. Well, when you can wank yourself to death with six legs, you leave anything alone for three months in a dark crate. Just eating a load of bananas. Yeah, eating bananas and whacking away. Well anyway, six times at the same, exactly the same moment. Its feet go. I bet it does they they they they they they they they they they they th they th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th they're they're th they they they th they they the that that that that the they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're that. that. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that that that that that that that that that that toe. toooooooooooooooooe. toge. toge. toge. the. the. the. the. the. times at the same, exactly the same moment. Its feet, his feet go, apparently. I bet it does. What do you mean his feet go?

That's a sign. When they got it out, they were, they got the experts in, they said, what is this? We've got a beetle the size of a gerbil, they said, we'll come round. They had a look. I don't thi the size. I the size. I the size. How big. How big. How big. How big. How big. How big. How big. How big. How big. How big. How big. How big. How. How big. How. How. How. How big. How big. How big. How big. How big. the size. the size. the the the the the thi. How big. How big. thi? their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. their. th. th. th. th. th. It. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's thi. It's thi. It's. It's thi. It's. It's. It's th. It's. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi Yeah, yeah. Come round. Right. Right. You'll need a gerbil-sized box to bring that round in. Come round. Ring, operator.

Can I have people in charge of giant gerbil beetles? I'll put you through. Hello. Jerbite. I think I've got one. Come round. Anyway, his feet were going. What do you mean his feet were going? Do you mean it was dancing like Lionel Blair or it had bunions?

I haven't seen one, but... There's a surprise. I just read that. That they were saying, yeah, we know what's the problem here. Look at its legs go, and they go up and down a lot, and it means that it wants, it wants like like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, that it wants like a partner, dying for it. And they were saying they only lived four months and it looks about three and a half months old this one. Oh, could they tell that? The problem is, they haven't got any of these beetles here.

So they've had to, instead of flying it back out. They've gone over there to try and find one to bring it back because of the stress and that that it's had and it's older. Couldn't you put a gerbil in a beetle outfit? Hang on a minute. I don't mean I don't mean a little wig I would have a guitar. I don't know the full story and that I just know that they found this beetle. It just sounds unlikely that people that. It just sounds unlikely it's a beetle. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I's th. I's just, I's just, I's just, I's just, I's th. I's just, I's just, I's just, I's just, I's just, I'll, I'll, I'm the the thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, I'm thi. th. th. th. th. th. thi, it's, it's, it's thoen, tho, tho, thi, tho, their, their, their, couldn't, couldn't their, couldn't, couldn't, couldn't, couldn't, couldn't, couldn't, couldn't, couldn't, couldn't, I's the the the the the the thi. the thi. thi. Couldn't thi. Couldn't that, couldn't that, couldn't that, the thateateat, couldn't that, their, couldn't their, their. their, couldn't their. thateat sex. We have got to give this beetle some sex because, god damn it, it's a beetle what was found on a boat with some bananas. Yeah, I don't know why he cares more than a blood-tucking beetle than a chimpanzee. I just can't believe people are flying out to Japan or when they come from. Why do you care so much about beetles? they're th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. thattha. thateateat. that. that. that. thate. thate. thate. thate. th. th. th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. It's the. It's the. the. theat. theat. theat theat theat theateateateateateateateateateate. It's thate. It's thought, you know, whilst we're on the beetle tip, let's, you know, let's discuss them. What do you mean his legs were going as well?

That's what they do, that shows signs of like it needs a woman. It's never had one before, which is weird. That's what I was going to say. It knew even though it didn't. And you're talking about my brain and my ears and all that, there's an example of how the Beatles not in charge. There's something else going on, it's Bobby. Well, it's called Instinct. Yeah. But that's true in a Beetle, but it shouldn't be true in a human being. But it is though, in it? Otherwise, how did the first baby survive? How did how are we now? Because how are we here now? Because you look at babies at babies at babies at babies at babies? How are babies? How are babies? How are babies? How are their? How are their? How are their? How are their? How are their? How are their? How are their? How are we are we are we are we are we are we are we are? How are, how are, how are, how are, how are we? How are we? How are we? How are, how are, how are, how are, how are, how are, how are, how are, how are, how are, how are, how are, how are, how are, how are, how are, how are, how are, how are, how are we? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? the be? the be? the be? their? their? their it the way they don't do anything for ages. They wouldn't survive. A kangaroo comes out, it's hopping around in about two hours.

Babies, they sit there for months. But there's a very good reason for that. I've told you that. It needs its mother. If that was in a banana crate it would have given up after about a week. What I'm saying is... A couple of days. It would they, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's thi, th. It's th, it, it, in, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, th, th, is th, is th, is th, is th, is th, in about th, in about th, in about th, in about th, in about th, in th, is th, is th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, is thi, is thi, is this beetle, he didn't know the outcome, he didn't know if he's ever going to see this partner. Yet, even though he's been in this crate with bananas for three and a half months, it still wants to have it away. Now if I was that, I'd be like, I'm not in the mood anyway. Why do you keep, and why do you equate yourself with a beetle? This is what I don't understand. No I'm not. I'm just saying now that's where nature's good and I think the beetles are better than us in a way. We have got our brain, we've got our creativity, we've got our cognition, we've got all those

things. That's our forte. That's where we kick in. Thought, introspection, art. I agree, I could not live in a crate of bananas. I admit that. I admit that if my mom had give birth to me and then dropped me immediately in a bin I wouldn't have survived but I don't see your point and I understand that Beatles can do that and I can't but you know what the Beatles they couldn't have written and directed the office so let's call it even. Hey all this talk of the Beatles the Beatles right as suggested to me let's have their their their their their their all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all Beatles, right, are suggested to me, let's have some more music. Here's the Rolling Stones. Oh, it doesn't work. Well, that's about it.

This is a test transmission for the enemy radio. I've enjoyed it. I think Steve's had a blast, he's got his hat on. Yeah, I'm as happy as Larry, mate. Just please that I've done it all for free. Whereas Carl will be cashing a sweet-sweak. I know, it looked at looking after number one, after all we've done for him. See, I didn't even realize there was an opportunity to ask for money.

Because I knew, I understood it to be a favor. So it didn't even to be to be to be to be. I to be. I. I to be incur. I to be incur. I to be incur. I to be incur. I to be incur. I to be incur. I to be incur. I to be incur. to be incur. to be incur. to be incurred. to be incurred. to be incurred. to be incurred. to be cash. to be cash. to be cash. to be cash. to be cash. to be cash. to be cash. to be cash. to be cash. to be cash. to be cash. to be cash. to be cash. to be. to be cash. to be cash. to be cash. to be cash. to be cash. to be cash. to be cash. to be cash. to be ca. to be ca. to be ca. to be ca. to be ca. to be cash. to me. to to too. too. too. too. toogea. tooomaching. toa. toa. toa. too. too. too. to ca. to ca.. Always ask. Always ask. No, because I'm doing it as a favor. If you said to me, can you come around and help me move house, I would do it, I would not presume you're going to pay me for it. Debt of gratitude. See, one day maybe I'll need the enemy. One day I'll call up the enemy, just like you call up scientists and go, I've got a beat with the size of a juror, but I might call.. They go come round. But where does that debt of gratitude stop then? Because at what point do you say, well I'll have some money please? When I get a bill from British Gas, what will I do then? Will I just say redirect this to the enemy? Because, because a little debt of gratitude.

Sammy Jacobs, the fellow who runs enemy, the bill to him please British Gas because he'll sort me out. No, he'll go what are you talking about that's not my bill. Sort it out yourself. And that's what I'm saying. The world moves on money. I make money to pay the bills. It's not for me. Sometimes I never see it. Doesn't even toubts the toub. It goes in the bank and the other. I'm not moaning about that, but all I'm saying is that's how... Well, I know, I know this and that cost you money, but why are you paying for the other? Business in it, Alan Sugar, it'd say you're mad, you two, it'd say, you're mad, you two, it'd say you're stupid. What you're working for for free? What on the apprentice. What would Carl be like on the apprentice? Wow that would be amazing. That would be amazing. Firstly he's not a team player. We've already established that. It's not a team player. No, he's just got his own money and say not share it with anyone. So that's number one. That's number one. Two you wouldn't want to do it you'd say well why am I doing it for that? that I'm that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that their that their their that that I that that that that that that that that that that that that that their that that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that that that that that that that that their their their their their their their their their their their their that that that their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their tea. te. Wea. that's not. that's not that's not. that's not. that's not that's not that that that that asked you to do? No, it's a task in it, and I wouldn't go on there anyway. Well, treat this like a task.

Well, okay, here's a task, right now. Last night on the apprentice, they were doing interviews. Oh, don't tell me the that to me now, right? Sell it to me now. How would you sell it to me, right? So this is a pen shop? No, no, no, no. No, it's it's a test, right, to see how well you can sell that pen, okay? thrown. to thrific, it. the their. their. thrown, it. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. tho. tho. th. th. th. th. th. tho. tho. tho. th. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. they. they. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. tho. tho. the. the. to. toe. toe. they. toe. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. the me, tell me the virtues of that pen. Go. Have you come to me or have I come to you? What do you mean? You're selling me that pen? It's a task. You've got to show us how you would sell a pen to us.

What's good about? Okay, so what are you saying? Don't get nasty. I'm not getting nasty. I'm just saying, do you like to write much? Do you do what you write? Yeah, do you write? Yeah, yeah. Interesting. How do you do that? Computer, really?

Oh, yeah. Thanks, the thanks, I'm just. to, I, I, I, I, to, to, to, the, thanks I got a really nice pen here beautiful classic. It's an expensive fountain pen and my grandfather gave it to me. It's a fair while. So that's quite a special pen it sounds like, I mean it is a lovely pen and everything but the problem is when you go out and about there's a danger that you could lose that. That is very true but I mean I don't really take pens. Have you interested you into Lisa? Just looks want a pen that does the job and this pen does that job. Do you want to buy some? No I don't. Why not? Well because I've got a great pen already and I don't see why I need that then it's cheap and it's tacky and

it's the same as to me. Do you know how cheap? I'd cheap is it? Well it depends on how many you want. Well it's cheap is cheap. Well that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that the the the the the their cheap is their cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is cheap is that depends that depends that depends that depends that depends that depends depends that depends depends depends depends that depends the sake of environment I want to 50 of them. Yeah I can do that. What kind of deal would you do for me? Uh, 8 quid. 8 quid for 50 of those pens I can get them for about a penny down the market. Sorry, Carl, you're selling it. You're selling 50 pens for 8 quid? How much does they cost you to buy? How much did I say you can have them for them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them for them for them for them for them for them for them for them for them for them for them for them for them for them for them for them for them you to buy? I got them cheap. But how much? How much did I say you can have them for? Eight quid for 50? I paid a fiver for 50. Really? Where? This is... I'll have I'll have a for a fiver because I'm eight? Uh, you can have 25 for four, 50. No, what are you if you've got, if you've got 50 pens for 5 quid, can I? I wouldn't do this as a living. Anyway, that's the thing.

Carl, can you get me, can you get me 50 pens for a 5er? 50 pens for a 5er? Yeah. It's not worth it. Well, no, we're on my mate. Just you don't want to make a profit out of me do you? It's not worth it. I'm trying to run a business there, I've got bills to pay. Yeah, well I'm trying to write something, I'm going to close the door in your're not going to buy him. But you're a salesman, you've got to persuade me that I need a pen, everyone needs pens. But what did you tell about the other fellow that came out of the, well, just lurking behind him, who came out of the shower and I went, oh, I have 50 pens for not interested. Yeah, because it all got the th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. I th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, tho, you're to th. But, you to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. But, you th. But, you to to th, you th, you th, you th, you th, you th, you th, you th, you th, you th, th. But, you th. But, you th. But, you th. But, you're th. But, you're th. But, you're the. You're the. You're the. You're the. the. You're to to to to to to to to to to to to the. But, you're the. But, you at the going rate what sort of a businessman would be for me to have got the pens for 50 quid, 50 pens for how much? You're fired. Stick it with your ass. Well I've enjoyed it I must say I've been Ricky Javais with me Stephen Merchant

goodbye and and Carl Pilkington. If you've enjoyed this drivel, as much as me, which is unlikely, because I mean I like being in a room, with a no offence to you Steve but with a couple of freaks. None taken. Sure, thanks. If you have, we've got a little back catalog, haven't we, Carl? We've done about, what was it, 24 of these? You can go to iTunes on a little back catalog haven't we, Carl? We've done about, what was it, 24 of these? loads. Loads of them. You can go to iTunes on a little audio book. Good value for money, isn't it? It's a couple of quid for hours of entertainment.

I tell you as well, if you love great music and as I say, you know, informative chit-chat, then, then the radio and you haven't got iTunes, go back to basics, read a book. Yeah. It's not out yet, but it will be. Well, how are they going to read it then if it's not out yet? Just saying it will from it. Well, I'm saying they can go to've done all that in a couple of months, just nip down to the bookshop. I'm not waiting a couple of months. What if they need to have it away? Busy guy. Like the Beetle? You wouldn't say the beetle. Oh, it's all. It's all. All right. There's another book out there as well that I did last year. Right. I presume as well is the enemy radio. th. th. th. th. th. Is th. Is the th. the th. the th. the th. th. the th. the th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. the they they they're they're they're th. th. th. they're th. they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're th. I th. I to to to to ne ne ne ne ne ne ne nee. I nee. I nee. I nee. I nee. I nee. I to to to the. I th maybe go on its website. Enemy.com? Probably.