The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Sky1 S1E5 - Egypt (October 22, 2010)

Episode Date: October 15, 2024

Ricky and Steve send Karl to Egypt to see the Pyramids of Giza, a wonder he has little interest in visiting. His trip is made even worse when he discovers that he's staying in budget accommodation.

The Seven Wonders of the World. Christ the Redeemer. The Taj Mahal. The Great Pyramids. Truly man's greatest achievements. But there's one man who sees them differently. It's like a pylon to them. Karl Pilkington. I don't know the politically correct term. Mora, I think. He is a round, empty-headed, chimp-like, mank Mora. Buffoon, idiot.

Is that normal? And he's a friend. He's a typical little Englishman and he doesn't like going out of his comfort zone. Balls are squashed. I just think that'd be amazing to send him around the world What we'd like to see is him Experience other cultures other people's and see if in any way we can change his outlook on the world I've been to many exotic places. I've genuinely think travel broadens the mind. I want him to hate it. I want him to hate every minute of it for my own amusement.

Nothing is funnier than Carl in a corner being poked by a stick. I am that stick. And now I have the might of Sky behind me. Shit! Shit! This is one of the funniest, most expensive practical jokes I've ever done. And it's going to be great. Just let me go home! Shit! This is one of the funniest, most expensive practical jokes I've ever done.

And it's gonna be great. Just let me go home! Jesus Christ! Right, Carl, we've arranged for you to go to Egypt to see the Great Pyramids. I mean, that is a remarkable sight. Truly one of the Seven Wonders of the World. Now, what do you know about the Great Pyramids? Over 4,000 years old. 4,000 years old.

Are they the oldest thing on the world. They're not the oldest thing on the world, are they? How do you think they built it? It took the time. Didn't have any distractions. Now you see workmen, it's like, you've got to get it done. We've got another job on. Back then, they'd just be going, this is what we've got to do, get it done, get it built. Go for that shape, and each day, they would have just...

Well, they were like... The foreman went, go for that shape, and they went, all right. Yeah. Right, go on, then. Enjoy the pyramids. All right. I think we've got to send him economy. I think we've got to put him up in shacks and awful hotels, and that'll be funny.

MUSIC PLAYS There you are. The nice hotel seems to have gone now. It's not good, is it? This is grim round here. And something looks grim in the dark. You know, it's not going to be better in the day, don't you? We had to hear Michael Payne, Monty Python. And has he been back since?

No, not...no. Thank you. How long have we been here? What? How long have we been here for? MUSIC PLAYS DOG BARKING I don't know what... I mean, this is a bit of a... It's a little bit grim. Look at it. Did Ricky and Steve know this was...

Well, they knew Michael Palin stayed here. Yeah, I know, but, you know, it's 30 years ago. A lot's changed. You know, I was still at school. How many days am I here? There's a piano right outside the room. Well, when do they start playing that piano? Cos it's literally right there. If they start having a sing-along, I'm...

Jesus Christ. Sit on that. Is there a mattress on it? Sit on that. Honest to God, sit on that. It is unbelievable. Oh, God. I'm gonna sleep. It's a bit cosy now. Ricky will be happy. Ricky will be over the moon with us when he sees this.

Cos he wanted to annoy me. I don't know how this is teaching me anything about, sort of, you know, being Egyptian. I mean, the fella who owns the place, his dad's 96. There's no way you live to be 96 by living on a bed like that in a damp room like this. And having them at it all night, bibbing. I'll leave it there. by living on a bed like that in a damp room like this and having them at it all night, bibbing. I'm gonna leave it there. MUSIC PLAYS I don't know what I'm meant to be doing today

cos I haven't heard from Ricky and Steve yet, so I'm just gonna go, you know, go out for a wander, walk about, deal with just gonna go you know go out for a wander walk about deal with some locals you know that's the plan really Oh thanks mate you're alright. Just a drink. A what? All the drinks you can buy. Coca-Cola, Sprite, water, tea, caffes, cappuccino, mango, lemon, orange, beer. All the drinks are good. Yeah, I'm alright at the moment, but I might pop in later on. My name is Sharif, OK?

Sharif. Welcome to Egypt. Cheers, Sharif. I'll be there for a drink, if I want to get a drink. Cheers. No, it's alright. I've just had a word with Sharif. He's going to look after me when I... This is Sharif. Sharif, no cafe. It's eat. That's eat? Yes. OK. So if I want a drink, see you and see you for something to eat. Cheers. Thank you, mate. Bye-bye.

Oh, yeah. Bye-bye. That's good. Have a nice time. I will do. Thanks a lot. Cheers. Come back here and no... If I want a drink or something. My name's Sharif. He's Sharif as well? No, no. My name's Sharif. Omar Sharif. Omar Sharif. Omar Sharif. Omar Sharif. Omar Sharif. I'll pop in here if I'm hungry. All right. You want me? Er... I'm not hungry at the moment. All right.

Honestly, it's all right. Yeah, it's all right. Cheers, one. Say again? I'm just wondering, what's your name? My name is Shereef. I'm from the Middle East. I'm from the Middle East. I'm not hungry at the moment. All right. Honestly, it's all right. All right, all right. Cheers.

Say again? I'm just walking through. If I get thirsty, I'll pop by. Jesus. Do you know what? I'm not that hungry at the moment. Yes? Yeah, I was back there. I've sort of gone off food a little bit. I'm OK at the moment. All right. Thanks a lot. Cheers.

Jesus Christ. I've already got some. Don't smoke. If I wanted a watch, I'd buy one off you. Don't need. For a woman. My girlfriend's head is slightly bigger. I don't need any glasses. Jesus Christ. There's one thing that's done me head in since I've been here. It's all this. You can't walk down here.

Forget just using it as a cut-through. Cos it's not a shortcut. It can't be a shortcut cos you get stopped every few seconds. You all right? So, I mean, I bet she left the house when she was ten. I'm telling you, seriously, it takes you forever to get anything done here. What's wrong, Ali? I couldn't sleep at all. Erm, well I'm going to go over and see the pyramids today. That's the plan, that's why I'm in Egypt, isn't it?

I mean, I wish I could have seen them sooner. You know, the sooner I see them, the sooner I can go home. But, erm, yeah, Steve sorted out some local bloke who's got a camel. He's going to take me over there on one of them. but Steve sorted out some local bloke who's got a camel. He's going to take me over there on one of them. When I was younger, I got a horse, and someone sort of burnt the horse's arse with a fag end, and it bolted, and I was on it, falling off the edge.

So I've always said I've never gone any animal that's sort of bigger than me. So it's a little bit crazy, but it seems to be the way they get around here anyway. They're all using donkeys and camels and... So as long as nobody's naming me with a fag end, I should be all right, really. It's crazy here, though, isn't it?

It's a non-touristy bit, isn't it? This is what it's all about. So, yeah, meeting this fella. Need to use his toilet straight away. Is that rude? No, it should be all right. Mahmood. Hi. How are you doing? Good to see you. How are you doing? I'm Karl. You're welcome.

All right, come in. How are you doing? Do you mind if I use your toilet quickly? It's just that I've drank a lot of coffee this morning. I've been dying for a week. That's my family here. Hello. Who's that? Cooking tea. Is that your girlfriend or...?

She's my mother. Your mother? Come on, mate. She's not your mother. She is. Can I ask how old she is? She is 38. She is my mother. In our family, we married when we were very young. How old are you?

I'm 22 and I have a child. I knew you did that. That's better. That's me. I'm a wife. Is that it now for life? Are you settled now? You'll just stay with this woman? I can have one if I want. I feel like I want one more, I can.

There are four women. You're allowed four women? Yes, four women I can have if I want to. But I'm happy till now, but I don't know what will happen. What pace yourself. I mean, you're only 22. Huh? Spread it out a little bit, you know. Do you know, like, how Snow White had, like, a happy midget,

miserable one, she had, like, a mixture? Would you go for a totally different woman so that if you're in the mood for someone to be happy, you go, oh, I'll see her today? Yes. Life is too short, man. So that if you're in the mood for someone to be happy, you go, -"I'll see her today." -"Yes." Life is too short, man. One, two, three. Hang on a minute.

Hold on tight on here. Whoa! Jesus. Bloody eye-up, this, isn't it? Oh, hey. You just need to hold well. I'm holding on. All right.

It's going on. Fucking hell. The bollocks. The bollocks are squashed. Bollocks of squash. Is that you or the camel? Huh? Is that you? What? That sounded human. That's a big camel, man.

Well, you know, a bit of a rocking left and right makes things happen. What you've got to remember is I'm getting the back draught. How you doing? It's chronic, isn't it, today? I can't even see the pyramids. Come all this way and that's the view you get. I mean, the idea is now that I stand here and I'm blown away. come all this way and that's the view you get. I mean, the idea is now that I stand here and I'm blown away. That's what's meant to happen, isn't it? I mean, I am getting blown away,

but mainly by the wind that's going on here. We've got a sandstorm on, I've got sand in my eyes. I can't see anything anyway, even if it was a clear day. It's a bit annoying. You know, I thought it'd feel more special than this. I keep getting messages from home. I mean, Suzanne's moaning about the boiler again. That's starting to play up. Normally that's my problem,

but now I'm away, I've made it her problem. And then I'm also getting messages, I'll show you this one, from Ricky. he just keeps sending stuff because he knows it cost me money to receive them. He's just sent one here, 70 pence, because he knows it cost me about 70p for him to send that. There's nothing else in there, he's not asking how are you, what are you up to, what have you seen, are you enjoying it, 70p, That's all they said.

So why are you wearing this now? It's just comfy wear, isn't it? I mean, this is like pyjamas at the end of the day. I mean, the problem is I've been getting mozzie bites and stuff, so I wanted something with sort of longer sleeves on it to sort of keep them away. It's just comfy. Loads of room in it. Normally pyjamas sort of roll up your arms and your legs and that,

but this is, you know, it's all right, innit? I mean that's a good thing if you lived here. You could just sort of, if you start work at nine, you get out there at about five, two, keep it on, straight off. Steve sent me a text. He said, meet up with a lad called Achmed. He's going to show me round the place.

HE MUMBLES Good one. Here you are. Here's a gap. What do you reckon? Yeah? Good job. Easy. Brilliant. Oh, wow.

You saw that, oh, you presume it was a pet shop. What a pet shop. What a bitch shop. Ah, no, no. Animals that you buy to go, that's for food. It's only for food. So when you look at that, do you go, mm, rather than, ah... Well, yeah, they eat them.

What's this, though? Cotton. I feel Egyptian cotton. So what would people do with this? Form mattresses. I could do with that, actually, at the hotel. Right, we'll do a bit of practice about haggling. You need to haggle, otherwise you will get ripped off. Hang on, sir.

I'll come in your shop. I'm browsing I'm looking around right looking at this is the finest piece we have and it's 100 hundred English seems a bit expensive now you need to tell me you need to tell me just to reduce it you say 10 so you want me to buy the water then I didn't really come in here for that I came in here for an ashtray for a a present. You sell ashtrays? No, we're trying... OK. Have you got an ashtray?

No, no, no. No? Oh, I'll leave it then. Right, I'd sack you. If you had a shop, I would get rid of you. If I owned the shop and you worked in there, that's rubbish. Hi, my friend. How can I take your money? Thank you. All right. Sir, you have $1,000, sir, please. Welcome to Cairo. Welcome.

You must be able to go lower than 160. 160 is nothing. What about 90? You want to get it for free? Never mind. You are a very clever guy, but I don't agree with your price. Egyptian wall, Egyptian. I thought you agreed 110.

I said 120 for you. Do I get money off with a nose missing? Well, I've been out all day, you know, seeing how the locals live, which is what it's all about. Thought the day was coming to an end, thought I'd be able to, you know, relax a little bit, and I've just got a message from Ricky and Steve saying they've sorted out a place for me to have my tea tonight, which is a bit of a worry. I'll get you the special of the day, typical Egyptian food. Cheers. Thanks a lot.

It's a bit annoying. He's just cooking something for me, I don't know what it is. I don't like hummus that much. Hummus, couscous, anything like that. I just don't have that sort of stuff.'s not a meal it's a garnish I would have loved just chicken and chips just something not too challenging I just want a meal I'm hungry I've never experimented that much with food. I didn't have pasta till I was about 21, 22. Yeah. All right. Brilliant. I got a bit of a taste of that at the end,

and I'm sure I knew what it was. Let me just have a bit again. I'm sure I've had it before. OK. It's rubbery. Rubbery. Chewy. Quite beefy. How about testicle? That's a testicle.

Aha. And the chewy one. Penis. Normally, on a Monday night, probably have a little bit of lamb that's left over from Sunday dinner or something. And yet, you know, this Monday night, cock and bollocks, a couple of eyes, a bit of tongue, you know, for garnish. I never thought I'd be saying that. It's supposed to be good for you as a male. But why do you use everything to that degree?

We kind of eat everything. Nothing goes to waste. Besides, it's delicious. Well, out of, yeah, I said, well, I didn't say delicious. I didn't say delicious. You put words in your mouth along with other things. MUSIC PHONE RINGS

Hello? Hello? Why have you come? What? How is it? How's the hotel? It's, er... Can you hear that? What was that noise? It's just car horns and that. Constant. LAUGHTER Oh, God! Anyway, the old man's been in the hotel for a while now. He's been in the hotel for a while now. It's just car horns and that, constant. LAUGHS Oh, God!

Anyway, the hotel was pretty depressing. We never said it was going to be a luxury. You've got to see the real Egypt, haven't you? Have you bought a little boat yet? I'd like to see you in a boat, I'll be honest. That was my dream. What, the little... Little what?

Yeah, you'd want one of those, yeah? No, I wasn't planning on sort of rushing out. Well, I don't know. Well, I think you've got to blend in. When in Rome... Yeah, but I told you. When in Rome, I'm happy to go along with it. I'll eat pasta. LAUGHTER But when in Egypt...

They don't say, do they? When in Egypt, have a bollock for lunch. Anyway, I've got to go, because I've got to open another bottle of wine. See you later. See you later. When Michael Palin goes working around the world, is this what it's like for him? Has he got racket going on like that outside? Has he got mates calling him up, annoying him? And then when Palin went around the world in 80 days, I wonder if that was a scheduled

time or if he just said, I'm sick of this, can we speed it up? I don't know. I don't know. I'd be quite happy going home now, honestly. You know, I've been in the car for a while now, and I've been in the car for a while now, and I've been in the car for a while now, and I've been in the car for a while now,

and I've been in the car for a while now, and I've been in the car for a while now, and I've been in the car for a while now, and I've been in the car for a while now, and I've been in the car for a while now, and I've been in the car for a while now, and I've been in the car for a while now, and I've been in the car for a while now,

and I've been in the car for a while now, and I've been in the car for a while now, and I've been in the car for a while now, and I've been in the car for a while now, and I've been in the car for a while now, and I've been in the car for a while now, and I've been in the car happy going home now, honestly. I've been here a few days, alright, I haven't seen the pyramids yet, but I bet most of the locals haven't. Cos that's what happens when you live somewhere, you don't bother seeing the sort of tourist stuff. I haven't even seen Buckingham Palace yet.

The weather's bad, isn't it? So what am I meant to do? You know what I mean? So I'm just killing time really, till it clears up. Steve sorted it out with ACMEd to show me around a museum which apparently is world famous. That's what Steve said and I was like, you mean world famous? He said, yeah, yeah, it's a world famous museum. I said, I haven't heard of it. He said, what do you mean you haven't heard of it?

I said, I haven't heard of it. So, Carl, I would like you to join me on a journey through time. The moment we walk in, a long history of splendour and mystery will be unfolding. I will breathe life into history. So I'm not looking forward to going round it, to be honest. I mean, I don't go to museums at home, so I don't see what difference it makes, just because it's in Egypt. So you have clockwise from pre-dynastic to early dynastic,

old kingdom, middle kingdom, new kingdom. So look here, who's a pharaoh who is harpooning? Nine-year-old boy king. You cannot see the hippo he is harpooning. Why not? See, this is the magic, because with magic, that hippo will come into life. So again, coffin within a coffin, sarcophagus within a sarcophagus.

You can see in the cartouche, the cartouche. The cartouche is the name of the pharaoh, the boy king. At some point, he was bringing back a pygmy. Was it a portrait? Can you avoid portraying the pharaoh? This is very hard, of course, to reconcile... ...because the soul will be searching. The car wants to find the pharaoh, the boy king Tutankhamun.

Yes, you do have the cartouche with the boy king, but it helps even king but Coming in here with that maybe it's like a kid in a sweet shop. It's just Show you this show you that It's mental you can't take it all in it's like going Christmas shopping on you know Christmas Eve in a department store There's too much going on. There's too much to look at there's too many people you've been pushed along It's a nightmare. Without what I'd call it a day here, and get back to, I don't know, eating cop and bollocks again. It seems more fun than this to me. That just seems to me like a bit over the top.

A lot of gold, a bit sort of Peter Stringfellow-ish. It's exactly the same as me aunt in Aura's house with ornaments. She keeps buying one, and then she has to buy a new shelf to put the ornaments up. It's like, I haven't got enough room to buy another shelf. She fills that and another. And that's what I'm saying about HacMid saying they're expanding it.

You know, yeah, they're saying they're expanding it so more people can get in. But you know for a fact, they'll go, oh, you've got more room, have you? Bring some more in. Get digging again. What is this, a sign? Can I get two pieces of chicken? Two.

What? It's a KFC for deaf people. So what do I have to do? I don't understand. What do you use? A point? Yeah, yeah, yeah. One, yeah. One of them. Or one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One, yeah. One of them. Or one. Original. I don't quite know what's going on here. Are they all there?

Can you hear me? Can you hear me? Hello? No, they're all deaf. Thanks a lot. Brilliant. That was good. Good idea. What, to have a deaf KFC?

Well, yeah, cos why not? You know, I don't come in here for a chat. You come in here for food, fast food. I'm taking it up even faster cos they're not chatting behind there. A lot of the time in McDonald's, you know, they're all gabbing, aren't they, by the milkshake counter? But in here, it was quick, it's there in front of you, point, bang, done, out. It's amazing, isn't it? I mean, with technology, most of it, you don't really use it, do you? It's kind of like a toy. But seeing them use it, it sort of makes you realise it's a good

invention, video calling and picture messaging. But when Ricky sends me a picture, it's that sort of thing. So this is what I'm saying. We don't sort of use it properly. They've got a proper use. You know what I mean? I'd say that's the most annoying thing about being in this place. Just being hassled all the time, no matter where you are, no matter what time of day it is, just constantly hassling you.

Deaf Life sort of tapped me on the back, gave me a bit of paper. Couldn't read it because it was all in Arabic. And pointed to say it's a charity thing. And I went and gave him 100 Egyptian pounds, so he got 12 quid off me. He didn't even look that happy. I'm skimmed by the end of tonight. Spent a lot of time with some deaf people in KFC, they were nice. I don't know if he was deaf. That's the thing with that one, isn't it?

It's not like all the other disabilities where you can go, is he lying? You know, you can see if someone's got a leg missing or blind or something, but with him... Oh, that's terrible. There you go, that's the one. My mum's the same, I think that's how I get it off. My dad said she walked up to some fella who she thought was a big issue seller. He was stood there with a magazine like that in his hands.

She said, it's all right, you can keep the magazine. Gave him a quid. Turns out it was just a fella stood outside going places with a dollar-de-brotia in his hand. He kept it. All right. All right, good to hear. Are you in, Steve? Yeah, all right, mate. How's it going? Not too bad. Yeah, how are you? More importantly, did you go to the Egyptian Museum today? Yeah, but I've seen that. I went to the Millennium Dome. I saw all the same stuff.

All right, well, how about this? I've got something a little bit warm cut up your street to be able to find a museum. Go on. How do you fancy this? A Nile cruise? It's not my sort of night at all. It's just not the sort of entertainment thing to do. I mean, it's nice going down any river on a boat,

but I do it in the day. At night, it's pointless. You can't see anything. And it's that thing, it's like, you know you're there for a couple of hours, there's no getting away from it. So they could do anything once you're on there. ["The Last Supper"] They had some entertainment on with someone whizzing round and round and round, and he starts off, he's got like a quilt round him, and he starts spinning.

And it was only when he'd been spinning for about three minutes that I thought, oh, actually, it's pretty difficult, he's just been spinning. He'll be getting dizzy in a bit. It went on for ages. It's not the sort of thing you have to watch whilst he's doing it. You just glance over now and again, oh, he's still going. Having a bit of turkey. Bit of a waste of energy, though. It would have been good if at the end, he said.

And thanks to, you know, Terry, he's been whizzing round, and because of that, that energy's created. Had the oven working, and we've got more food, or just something to make it seem more impressive than it was. But the colours in that were good, and he sort of kept the room quite cool. You know, it was quite hot in there, so you got him wafting about, creating a draft.

It was quite hot in there, so you got him wafting about, creating a draft. RINGING HE SPEAKS ARABIC HE SPEAKS ARABIC HE SPEAKS ARABIC I didn't know what was going on with the comedian. I mean, jokes anyway. Even if he spoke English,

the humour's different, isn't it, everywhere you go? HE SPEAKS ARABIC HE LAUGHS It was a terrible night, wasn't it? Do you go. One of my friends is going to lose his head. It was a terrible night, wasn't it? I hated it. It's not my sort of thing at all. When I got up and was dancing, because I did it just because I thought, well, I'm here now, and Ricky and Steve don't want me to do it, they know I'd hate it, so I thought I might as well enjoy it.

So I got up and had a dance. MUSIC PLAYS And she told me that, you know, I was the best dancer she'd ever seen. Er... Not bad, is it? MUSIC PLAYS The traffic surrenders. It's not just the traffic, it's just beeping. But it just seems to be like people letting on to each other at four in the morning. Like, go home, what are you doing? So, erm, I reckon I've had about... I reckon I've had about... I always get...

I mean, that song walked like an Egyptian. I was... I mean, that song walked like an Egyptian. No-one's walking. Everyone seems to be in the car at all hours, just beeping. It's not enough, is it? It's not enough to say something's amazing just because they're old. Because you can get an old person who's done that all their life. You wouldn't go, they're amazing. You'd go, no, they're a lazy bastard. So age shouldn't really make something special. I'm not worrying about who built them, because it's ages ago, really. When I first bought my first house, I didn't go, who built it?

I want to know, is it safe? Is it structurally sound? Is it haunted? Whoa! What's the rush? He's been here for 4,000 years. What's the rush? He's been here for 4,000 years. What's he doing? Oh, my arse. This is mental.

It's a lot of, a lot of shit. You don't normally see any of this do you? You don't see that many buses there. It looks like it's sat in the middle of like a nice desert. But it isn't is it? It's just a building site. I'm half tempted to ask for a ride at. I mean it's not even bits of old pyramid is it? You've got all sorts of... you've got bricks here from like council houses and

that. It's literally just the... people have brought up shit and dumped it here. It's like Baron. It's like a little tornado, isn't it? Yeah, you don't see that in the brochure, do you? Shitty old nap he was in through the air. I tend to leave that out. You see, I've always wanted to see a tornado. That is on my wish list before I die. Because it's die. It's a natural thing that I don't understand. If that was like a little housing estate you'd go go, yeah, any will do. Are they all the same size?

The design actually is a bit odd, isn't it? Cos the square footage, the floor size is massive. But the upstairs bit is tiny. All right, car mate, it's Steve here. That was the pyramid. I imagine it was extraordinary, wasn't it? Richie and I have got another treat for you. We've tracked down a couple who are lovely people, but they've got sort of different views,

alternative views on the pyramids. And they're called Andrew and Seya. Let us know how you got on. The Crate Pyramid was built by Atlantean survivors with extraterrestrial help. And they built the pyramid with the help of sound, because sound was used very much in Atlantis. Well, Andrew and Sayah were just saying that they used the pyramids that night.

They just nip in there to do some meditation, what have you. So they said I can go with them, but I've got to learn to do some meditation first. So they've just given me some words to learn. Once I've done that, you know, they said they'll tap me in. So that seems fair enough, doesn't it? And next, sheh shen, weh bainu. Are they washing up before we do this? Leave the washing up, Sayer. It's spoiling the mood a bit. Leave this? Yeah. Anek, shechen, webenu... If you open that door, I just put those there.

This is madness. Gandhi wanted to wash it up before he starts. Can't escape noise in here. Anek, shechenen weh bayne. How long's this going to go on now? A couple of minutes, two, three minutes. It's five times a day. You might as well finish the washing up.

No rush with the washing up, Andrew. I tell you what, I bet they don't show you around a property around here at certain times of the day, do they? No, probably not. When you're buying a place. Come on, we've got to get going, quick. Why? Just let's go.

You buy it, this kicks off. Unbelievable. That was all a bit weird, wasn't it? It kicks off. Unbelievable. That was all a bit weird, wasn't it? But I liked it, you know what I mean? I'm into that sort of weirdness. Plus it means that I'm actually going to go inside a pyramid tomorrow. It's all worth it, wasn't it? Got another mozzie bite there. It's well itchy, that going to now, I can't see the point.

It's like a game of Jenga that's got out of hand, isn't it? Pretty high up, innit? Yeah. I've, erm, I took a little bit of it. Took a little bit of the pyramid. Got a little piece. I don't think you meant to... It was loose. I didn't chip it off. It was loose anyway. It's better than the tart that you buy, isn't it? It's better than buying a little Egypt fellow on the back of a camel.

But it's weird, isn't it, how you're allowed to just wander about on them. If this was at home, there's no way this hut would all be roped off, wouldn't it? It wouldn't be allowed anywhere near it. It's not treated like a wonder. It's just like a man-made mountain, isn't it? Well, I'm just with Andrew and Sayer again. They're going to teach me some more chanting before I go in the pyramid. I don't know what's going on in her head, but you know, I like her. I think she believes in all the energy thing that she's going on about, you know. I want to believe it. It'd be nice if something happens, or, you know, I used to have a proper job. What am

I doing? This is it then. I'm actually going inside a pyramid, which is good. I didn't even know you could go in them. I just thought they were like a solid structure. Do you know what I mean? Just a load of blocks. But you can get in them, so pretty exciting, innit? We are now in the centre of our planet. In ancient PowerPoint. I wasn't that happy about getting in there. I'm not good in small spaces anyway. You know what I mean? I just was thinking, I don't like this. So there was a dead body in there? Yeah.

I've got in somewhere with some... All them injections I had, it'll be alright, it'll cover me for that, won't it? I mean, it was alright, you know. Nothing happened, did it? I got a little bit of a twinge, but I just think that was cramp. I don't know, she seems fed up, really. I didn't get anything, but there's no point pretending, is there? That's sort of humour in her.

Do you know what it reminded me of? Me going to a wedding for Suzanne. She likes going to a wedding for Suzanne. She likes going to weddings I hate going. And it was like I went, I did it all for her, but because I didn't enjoy it, I still get a moaning at the end of the night. And it was a bit like that. I did all that for her.

And it was pretty comfy. I mean, you know, compared to the Windsor, I tell you what, I could probably get my head down in there. All right, mate, Ricky, hope you had a good time in Egypt. Did you enjoy the hotel? I picked that one out myself. And see you later. It's not funny, is it?

What? Well, I've been living next door to this. Did Ricky put me in that one on purpose? Yeah. Yeah. This is the room Michael Palin was in. MUSIC PLAYS I don't know if... I mean, they say travel broadens the mind, but I don't know if it does. Bugger's it up. I'm knackered. La la la la La la la la

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