The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Sky1 S1E8 - "An Idiot Abroad" Karl Comes Home (November 11, 2010)

Episode Date: December 17, 2024

Karl, now back in Britain after his "seven wonders" trips, sits down with Ricky and Steve to discuss the experience.

What's this in the Guardian? Guardian Guide, Pick of the Day. Alright. Pick of the Day, this will be a good review then. I can see here this ball achingly dull series. Have you ever, has your balls ever ached from watching a programme? Have you ever watched a programme and gone, don't know if I'm enjoying this but my balls are aching, I ate it. This is the dullest thing. Oh hang on, it doesn't, I don't know if I'm enjoying this but my balls are aching. I ate it. This is the dullest thing. Oh hang on. I don't know what that means. His balls are aching because the series is that dull. If TV doesn't make his balls ache, why doesn't he turn it off quicker? He must get a twinge and go oh...

The Seven Wonders of the World. Christ the Redeemer. The Taj Mahal. The Great Pyramids. Truly man's greatest achievement. But there's one man who sees them differently. Most of the world is grim. Cow Pilkington.

It's hard to let people know how bad it is. Oh Jesus. I was ill, fed up. Want to go home. Tired and didn't like where I was. Come on, where you going? I'm not staying in that room. What's it about?

The stuff that these eyes have seen... Oh, the fuck's that? There's loads of things that you go, why do you do that when you go, it's tradition. Why is this traditional Chinese massage? HE GRUNTS Your body's in proper shock. I don't like having danger in me life.

HE GRUNTS Who are you giving all this shit? Sky 1. That's why we're giving all this shit to. If I had a bad heart, that could have done me in. Shit. Shit. I'm not doing any more anyway.

It's the end of it. Just let me go home. Jesus Christ. Hello and welcome to episode 8 of An Idiot Abroad with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant Hello and the eponymous hero, Carl Pilkington Right I suppose this is a round up In a way

We've watched the series, we've laughed, We've cried. We've got angry. I Got bored as well But welcome back car because you know it's quite an adventure You can see it for miles goes on for miles over the hills and everything, but so does the m6 it for miles, goes on for miles over the hills and everything. But so does the M6. It's almost like a diamond in a turd. You don't see that in the brochure do you? Shitty old nappy whizzing through the air. Tend to leave that out. The stuff that these eyes have seen...

Right. They'll remember it. Well, it's funny you should say about your eyes, because I've been consulting your diary here. The other reason I'm finding it hard to relax is that there always seems to be something going on, something to take in. I think I've blinked less since I've been here,

as I don't want to miss anything. So my eyes have been open longer than normal. Maybe that's why my eyes are so tired. When I was there, I was using my eyes more. When I'm here, sometimes I don't know what they're doing. Are you with me? No. What do you mean? Life here can be quite boring for your eyes.

Sometimes driving. I get to some place and they go, how did I get here? And it's because you're not really looking where you're going. While driving? No, it's only the little odd things in life that makes your eyes sort of go, oh. Well, there's been a lot of things, hasn't there? Food, you've seen some pretty grotesque things.

Like that fellow there who was your driver in China. Oh, man. This is incredible. Look at this lot. Thank you. She's all right. She's alright. What's he having over there? Good Jesus.

Does he know it's not all in one piece, that noodle? Are we in a race? I didn't realise. I mean what? Why is he in a hurry? I'm in his van, should I be getting a move on? He's meant to be giving me a lift home. The suction on that. It's just one minute it's there. It's like opening an airplane window.

Just all sucks out. That's it, he's eating it. I'll hardly touch this. What's he got now? What is that? I think it's chicken feet. You don't pick a food by what sort of feet it's got. Just add chicken if he wants chicken. Weird pain, he could have had anything he wanted.

He's spitting it out now, spitting his nails out by the looks of things. No thanks, you're alright. He's been munching like mintos in the van. He's never offered me one of them, he gets the chicken feet, suddenly he's keen for me to have one. He's just spitting stuff out, he's chewing on it, he's spitting on it. I can't eat this. See that then? It's his van, he'll have to clean it up.

You're not having pudding, are you? See, I'm with you on that. There's no reason to eat like that. I don't think you'll ever hear of a Chinese man who starved to death. Because there's no reason to. Street food out there. I thought street food meant, you know, you have chefs on the street cooking food. They don't mean that, it's street food, whatever it's called they grab and eat. Yeah, honestly. Are they dead? Are they totes?

Honest to God, that market, I thought it was a myth all that before I went. I thought they don't eat weird stuff like that because there's no need. There's loads of stuff in the world. You don't have to get to that level yet, I think even in Lost, that program, they didn't even get to insects. They were stuck on an island there with coconuts. At no point do you see one going off to eat a squid or a lizard or a scorpion. It never happened. Yet there, they just... I'll have that. Not a problem. Just shove them in the face. I mean, I don't think they do on I'm a celebrity, get me out of there.

In China. Because they'd go, it's the problem here, lovely, or you can eat buffet, yeah? Not a problem for them. That thing on the bus, when they're all going... It's disgusting. Doesn't matter where you're from. I don't know what you have to do over there to offend someone. Just farting, burping, spitting. That driver, he farted three times one morning.

No-one saw it. I went, oh, you had a laugh about it, you dirty sod. Nothing, just carried on. But that's the way they are. In a way, are they right? Is that the way we should live? I don't know. Noise has been a big thing on the whole trip. Look, here you're complaining about all the noise in Brazil. The air's just not stopped since they've been here. They've been overworked with constant, you know, drums.

SINGING Whistles. Chanting. Dogs. You know, drums, singing, whistles, chanting, dogs, helicopters, gaze. Warm massage for your ego. Gaze wouldn't normally be on that list, but the one I met here just wouldn't shut up. Now, I went to Brazil during carnival time. I had a whale of a time. I really enjoyed myself. Great. It's lively, it's vibrant, loads going on. People are in good spirits, colour, energy. Nothing but whinging. No, because I don't like, you know, the carnival and the block parties.

It's all parties for me. I've never liked them anyway. I've never really had them. I've never had a birthday party. I just, when I see them, you know, like that advert for Iceland, Iceland supermarket, you see Kerry Katona and Christopher Biggins have a Volavont. I don't look at that and go, that looks like a good night. No. But you're meant to, aren't you? It's meant to give you a good feeling.

Iceland supermarket, look at the fun you can have with the food. I don't know where that party would be happening. But I don't look at it and go, I'd love to be there. And it was the same in Brazil. I don't like false fun. That's what it is, false fun. I don't like it when people organize stuff. Come around Thursday.

Come around and have a drink and a chat. I don't know how I'll feel on Thursday. But you'd never get anything done if you didn't have a bit of planning. No, because you just go go with it it's good because you could go up to somebody and go I'm coming out tonight I've got some beers in another other chat I wish you'd have said I'm going to a party no you're not no you know what because there isn't such thing as planning I'm just in the mood I'm walking down the street okay I see you yeah I'm coming on tonight. No Why not?

I need more Notice than that really why I left a chicken out. It's good. It goes off. Okay, I know go along Hi, Steve you coming out tonight. He's having chicken with me Well, no, but I didn't know that because we had to rage that yeah, I'm not something going on I'm sorry. Yeah, I can't eat a whole chicken. Do you want a chicken? Okay, and there you go. You see so my night is better than yours. I'm eating your chicken I'm having a free night out here because there was no planning going on and I'm getting a free night of chicken Now imagine if on the Wednesday before you went what day is it now? What day was today?

Tuesday so Tuesday, we're all walking down the street. I always get emails from people going, are you coming out next week? I don't know. I don't know. You don't know? I don't like it. Hello! I'm Mr. Aschig. Aschig. Nice to meet you, Kavitos.

How are you doing? All right, didn't wave back, so that's... They don't know what that means, or they hate me already. I don't know. It reminded me of Bill Oddie. Just looking at him, thinking, I haven't seen the goodies for ages. And then the other barber, look like Jim Morrison. Hang on. Hang on a minute.

I won't be socialising. I don't do that. I've always said you only need seven mates to get you through life. That's it. That's why I've mentioned Snow White with the midgets. She had them all covered in seven. Same thing again with friends. You met a lot of interesting characters. Tell us about your favorites. Who are the ones that stick in the mind? What about Celso in Brazil? Tall and thin and young and handsome the boy from Ipanema goes walking in When he passes each one he passes goes ohhhh

I thought he was alright, Celso. How do I look? You know, he's a different sort of mate. What was your first thought when he walked out looking like that? Oh Jesus, what was that? It's just weird. It's like you've had... Wurzel Gummidge sort of change the head. Change the head. It's a little bit freaky. Why are you referring to Wurzel Gummidge? Why do you make no effort to try and speak to people in terms they might understand?

What's the chances of him, finally, in Brazil, knowing who Wurzel Gummidge is? There's people watching this who won't remember who Wurzel Gummidge is. He just seemed very sort of well into the arts. And it's his mates as well. Marcelo. Marcelo. Nice to meet you, hi Carl.

Hi there. Welcome to Rio. You're happy. I've never sort of met a gay man so gay. It was just that voice that sort of over the top. Nice enough, but I can't see us getting on long term. No. Do you know what? It's a good job I wasn't born gay because I don't know what I'd do.

Why not? If you're gay, you'll be loving it, won't you? I wouldn't. I don't think I'm suited to it. Why? Just the lifestyle. What do you mean the lifestyle? You'll be loving it. I wouldn't yeah, I don't think I'm suited to it boy Just the lifestyle what you mean the most isn't stuff because the lifestyle the way they walk about over there showing off being quite Okay, you wake up gay Tomorrow what's the first thing you do? Do you get a boyfriend or do you play the field? Think you play the field. Yeah, you're gonna talk. Are you gonna talk the same? you play the field? I think you play the field. Yeah, are you going to talk the same? Yeah, maybe in time, I suppose things rub off. If I'm knocking about with John Inmans of the

world, I'm probably going to start, maybe a little sort of, give me something to say. Oh hello, I haven't seen you for ages. Right, so it'd be a bit different. Maybe the, oh hello. Right. I haven't seen you for ages. It'd be little things like that and people would suddenly go, you met Carl recently, sounds different. So you go home, you go home, your dad goes, alright so how's it going? Have you been doing any DIY recently? Oh hello dad, I haven't been there for a bit. What are you talking about Carl, how's Suzanne?

Er, I'm not with her anymore. LAUGHS Er... I'm not with her anymore. This is pointless because it's not the life I would choose. OK, but you've woken up gay. But I wouldn't believe it then. I'd just go, oh, I feel a bit happier today, don't know why. No, but then you start going, oh, you go down, you buy a gay magazine, you're flicking through, you're looking at more cock than you've ever seen before in your life and you're loving it. You look down, you buy a game magazine, you're flicking through, you're looking at more cock than you've ever seen before in your life, and you're loving it. You look down, something's happened.

What do you do next? I just wouldn't look at that magazine again. No, you're loving it. You go, I can't believe I haven't seen this magazine before. But I've seen knobs before. Have you? Yeah. Where? We've seen knobs all the time. Where?

In gyms and that. And don't say you don't look, because you do when you're in a gym. Because it's there. What is? If you don't look, if you go in like that, that's more of a worry. If you're not happy looking a knob in the face, there's something wrong. You should be comfortable with it. Just, just...

It's a good rule of thumb. So, you have always been a big fan of what society would generally term freaks. You know, one of your favourite movies is The Elephant Man, which is why we were very excited when we sent you to see The Elephant Babber. Oh yeah, I can see him, yeah, I can see him. Shoes off. Money down there. Oh!

It wasn't as shocking as I thought it would have been. I think the weird thing is, with Elephant Bather, is he's different from Elephant Man. Because with Elephant Man, there was a build-up. He's walking about with a sack on his head, you're going, what is under there? I mean, the first thing I always used to worry about, where have you got that hat from, that fitting? It's a normal cap he had on, Elephant Man. Who was that made for? But then he had the sack on top as well, a little hole.

I remember watching it as a kid thinking, can I see anything in the hole? And then he takes it off and he's like, oh god, that's well weird. Now with Elephant Baba, it wasn't as weird. Do you know the Elephant Man? The weirdest bit of it is when he's walking around with that head but with a suit on. Because it doesn't match. But in India, because he's sat there... If you went to a tailor and they say, have you got anything to go with this? They'd go, not really. Whereas with the fella in India... It sort of goes with it.

It goes with it. So it wasn't as shocking. Now there's the one arm Baba, who... The fella who had his arm in the air for 12 years. Well, that's ridiculous. From a distance, I thought it looks friendly. It's like he's going like that. Like, oh, here's Carl and the camera crew. I sit down, two fellas sat next to him,

worshiping him. Really? Yeah. You know, I asked all the normal questions, what you're playing at, why you're doing it. Straight in, straight in with what you're playing at. I asked all the normal questions, what you're playing at. I agree, though. I agree, what you're playing at. Why are you doing it? Straight in, straight in with what you're playing at. I asked all the normal questions what you're playing at. I agree though, I agree. What are you playing at?

Apparently there's other babas with like two arms, one foot in the air. Really? It's mental, it's proper mental. But are they standing up or are they laying down with one foot in the air? Well I suppose if you knock him over that's it, isn't it? He's down for good. Oh gosh. Another fellow with his knob and bollocks on a stick. What are you doing? Karl, if you can't look a knob in the face...

I was happy looking the knob in the face. It's what he was doing to it. He was just showing you his trick, his party trick. That probably would get him to the final of Britain's Got Talent. Amanda Holden would be a huge fella, that, wouldn't she? I, er... Caught round a stick. I mean, I'll never forget it. You can't with the names.

The names go with them. It's like old-fashioned names, how they say that. If you're a baker, you'd be known as Mr Baker. That's how names go on. So the fact it's got Elephant Baba and One-Armed Baba, you don't go, Who's that one again? I can't quite picture him. I don't believe they are called Elephant Baba and One-Armed Baba.

They are called that. When I went around that camp and I was saying to people, One-Armed Baba knocking about, they were going, yeah, he's three tenths down. Everyone knew him. It was like a council estate. You have nicknames. John the Screw about. Where's Tattoo Stan? It's all the same thing. All these little nicknames. Now, if I said where, I don't know his real name, but if he was called, I don't know, Neil or whatever,

Neil about, they'd be going, Neil, who's Neil? What's he doing in the camp? And he goes, he's got head like elephant. Elephant Baba, three games. So it's convenient. There's certain things I've learnt. Tell us, what have you learnt? I learnt that babies in China, a lot of them have square heads.

Right, come on. Can we look at this clip? He's a big lad. Has he got a square head? I can't tell. He's a big lad. How's he got a square head? Have a look. I can't tell. Yeah. But why do they have square heads?

I asked some questions and the main answer seemed to be so they don't roll out the cup. No, no way. How do they make sure their baby gets a square head? They somehow, they stick a book to the back of its head when it's born. When you're born your head's soft. That's right, yeah. Did your mum strap a dinner plate to your head when you were a kid? Yeah. A ladle. But I didn't get all the ins and outs and this is what I'm saying. But that doesn't stop them rolling out the cup. If you've got a square head it's not like they can roll out. Baby's head,

remember your head is quite big as a baby. Right. The body's sort of like that and it's head is trying to roll and it can't because it's like that. And it's attractive apparently for a girl. What do you mean? Show me again, show me again, do it again. The baby's in the cot like that. And it would want a sort of, if it had a round head it could just go like that. Yeah, so now do it with this round head. How is it stopping it? I don't understand. Because it's kind of going... You can't roll. What shape is a wheel?

Round. Some people think you are a character that we write and direct. If we'd created a character as brilliant as this, do you think we'd have floated it to sky? Definitely not. Definitely not. Definitely not. There's loads of weird fish though. I think there's fish in here that I've read about that are so see through that they're invisible.

So I don't even think they know they exist. Because other fish don't go up to it and mate and stuff. I don't know how it works. But it's like they're not there to us or to them. They might as well not be there. It's a really weird... I don't know all the facts. If you're invisible, you'd eventually get ignored a lot

and you'd go, well, there's no point acknowledging anyone because no one can see me. Don't think that's how it works. Of course it is. Think if you were invisible and I walked past you, I'm gonna ignore you, because I can't see you. You can't communicate, because I'd go, who was that? And eventually you just go, I can't be bothered communicating.

So you're just there, floating about, eating. So that's probably why they carry on, because they just eat, they've got nothing else to do. I read it, and I think they're in here, but you're not going to see them, so I can't prove it. And I think they're in here, but you're not going to see them, so I can't prove it. There's people out there who said I'm an actor called Graham. Yeah. I wish I was. I wish I was. Well, change your name to Graham and become an actor.

No, because then they'll go, oh, we knew that. So the reason you're not changing your name to Graham and becoming an actor is that you don't want to give idiots the benefit of the doubt. Well, no, it's also that thing of remembering that you've changed your name. It's like I told you, didn't I, when I was a kid and I changed my name to Brett. Everyone in the family went along with it and I kept forgetting. They kept shouting me and I was ignoring them. The folks isn't working. All right, mate. How are you getting on, man?

Er... Well, I've had better holidays. It's not a holiday. I have to keep reminding you, it's not a holiday, my friend. You're making a travel programme for the television. I can never enjoy anything, can I? What the hell? Get out of the Dead Sea, put some clothes on

and do some fucking work. Fucking shit. I've got a little surprise for you. You're spending the night in a cave, Carl. What for? It's funny. But... I had some sort of new pudding that I've never had before.

Carrots with sort of milk and sugar on it. I enjoyed it. I don't know if I'll find it in London. I don't want to watch you eating carrots on the telly. In HD. Even in HD. I reckon I've had a battle and I was kicked. I am knackered and I don't know how to get that across to them at home. I'm pissed off. Hal, this is for my amusement and if you're having a bad time, so I'm going to have a down on a camel with your testicles being battered,

that's good entertainment. This is what I'm giving back. This is what I'm giving back to society. You are my gift to the rest of the world. Now, that's the other thing as well, that people think that, you know, because I call you a little round-headed, chimp-like buffoon,

moron, mank, twonk, I could go on. Some people, they mistake that for bullying. What would you say about people that me and Steve bully you? If they think I am being bullied, what are they doing? When have they come to me help? Where's Esther Ransom? Why aren't she been on the phone, leaving me alone? Nothing's happened.

Everyone's saying that. I've seen that everywhere. Carl's been bullied. Well, first of all, I'm nearly 40. Don't worry about me. Two, well, if you worry about it, do something. I've had posts delivered to me. And because you say, Carl Hogan's got it like a fucking orange, people think they can do it. I've got some lamps delivered in a box. Somebody along the way, I don't know who, either the bloke who packed them, the courier, or I don't know how many people involved in packing lamps and getting them to me, but somebody wrote on the box, head like fucking orange.

Now that shouldn't happen. Of course there were a number of instances where we had planned stuff that you were completely unaware of, in fact most of the trip you had very little idea where you were going to go and what was going to happen. I think a highlight for both Ricky and I was when we gave you some very important training in the event that you were captured during the terrorist attack. Amazing. I mean, that, again, that went better than I ever imagined. Hello, what's up? Hello, what's up? Hello, what's up? Hello, what's up? Hello, what's up? Hello, what's up? Hello, what's up? Hello, what's up? Hello, what's up? Hello, what's up?

Yeah, I think you're out of order. What is going through your head when those guys grabbed you? You did not know they were going to attack you and grab you and drag you in the back of a van. You have a bullet? It all went black. I heard a lot of shouting going on. I didn't know what was happening. I thought, is this it? Have I been taken hostage? They put my hands behind my back.

They put one of those tie things on. It was cutting into my hand. I'm thinking, is this for the program or what? Because this is proper hurting. It's not a nice thing. I've never experienced that before. Did you... They often say in those moments where you think maybe your life is going to come to an end, that your whole life flashes before your eyes. Is that what happened? No, because like I said to you, I had a bag over my head. I couldn't see a thing. Talk to me!

Hang on a minute. Are you English? Are you English? Yes, talk to me! Who are you? I can't... Where do you go?, are you English? Yes, talk to me! Who are you? When you go, who are you? When the adrenaline's kicking in, you can hardly breathe, and you do a posh voice. Who are you? Because it's terrifying that, not knowing what's going on. What is the number of him?

He sent me mobile. Mobile? What is the number of him? I don't even know my mum and dad's number. I thought maybe this is part of the set up, I don't even know my mum and dad's number. I thought maybe this is part of the set-up, I don't know. But my body didn't know, because it was going through the same thing as Terry Waite would have gone through, or whoever else, had been tied to a radiator. Did you learn anything from that, though?

That was important training to make you able to cope if such a terrible thing did occur To you if you go to places that you're in danger of being kidnapped You meant to have a code word so that when the people who've nicked you right call up the London office Yeah, they go. We've got Ricky Stephen Carly right in the London office. Go. Yeah. Yeah, give us your code word Well at the time it was Congress tart. Congress tart? How are you going to slip that into a conversation?

No, you don't slip it in. They've got a bag over your head, gun to your head or whatever, tell them you've been kidnapped and you go, Congress tart. And they go, bloody hell, he's been kidnapped. Before you know it, the 18's coming in. Right, so, ring, ring. Hello, car mate, How's it going? Congress tart.

What? Congress tart. Rick, who's on the phone, mate? It's Carl. He said Congress tart, so he's definitely been kidnapped. Who are they? What do they want? Right.

Who am I talking to now? Them. Ask them. What do you want? He's asking what you want. Well, there's no one here to do that bit of role-playing, so maybe you should tell me what they're saying. They said, erm, they just said they want to use me as bargaining power. But what do they want?

But what do you actually want? What would they want? Is it money? Give them money, money. A million, er, Million, five million pounds. Too much. I'm not spending that sort of cash. I've worked hard for this. No, you don't do that.

I'm not spending that cash. You see, this is what worries me. I'm not spending five million to get you back. That's what's worrying you. Because that's what would have happened. Can't we negotiate? Put them on. Yeah, here's Ricky.

Right, you've got to play him as well, then. Hello? Hello. Who's that? Never mind who it is.. Right, you've got to play him as well, then. Hello? Hello. Who's that? Never mind who it is. Where's me five million? Can't afford five million at the moment. We're going to kill this kid if you don't give us the five million. We're getting sick of him.

Why, why? What's he doing? He's just shouting Congress Start. Give him the money. Give us the money. I wouldn't have got him to call you, actually. There's no way. There's no way. Okay, let's have a break. Oh God! Oh God! It's not really a dance, is it? It's like a little bit of a shuffle, really. It's just that. Not really, not using, not even adding that sort of thing to it.

Just a bit more with the face even. It was that sort of old man shuffle who's, you know, when old men are a bit pissed up and the pants have fallen down a bit. So that pissed up walk. Where is he? There he is. But, you know, it killed a bit of time. There was nothing else to watch. And I was tempted to sort of join the line and then do that and see if they copy it and

then that would be giving them something. And then it's that interfering. Maybe it wouldn't look frightening by the time, you know, if another tribe came in and they're all stood over there looking like Lionel Blair, you know, they're just going to go, right, let's get them, we can handle these. I mean, I'm so jealous of you being in the Peruvian jungle. Didn't you have a whale of a time? Erm, fucking hell. I want to go home. People watching it will sort of go, but, you know, I've seen all this. Rain mares and bear grills

sucking on elephant shit and all that. It's hard to let people know how bad it is out there. When I came out of there, I'd had no phone signal. Five days, no phone signal. Stuck in a jungle, the Amazonian jungle, in a one-man tent and then with a tribe for a couple of days. Called Suzanne up and said, alright I'm safe and all that,

expecting to get like a hero's welcome. All I got was, oh it's reassured me that if you died I'd be alright. That's what she said. 16 years I've been with her, not a day's gone by when I haven't spoke to her at some point. She turns around and says that. I'd be alright if you were dead. Alright, cheers for that. I've got to call Ricky now. I called you up. Well I had a meeting with everyone and they weren't sure about the title, Carl Filmington, Seven Wonders. I came up with the idea that they'd really like's push it through, want to run it by you. An idea abroad.

Well, no, we didn't say anything about that. We said it's Carl Pilkinson's Seven Wonders. Hello? Yeah, but they were saying, you know, who's Carl Pilkinson? Yeah, well, who's the idiot abroad? What, you're the idiot abroad. They loved it. They absolutely loved it. Yeah, well, they would, because you said it. You know what they're like? They all sit there going, oh, they're, that's great, Ricky, yeah, yeah, we'll do that. We're not having an idiot abroad.

It's Carl Pilkinton's Seven Wonders. They've been through a load of shit here. You're sat there giving them bloody shit titles. We're not having an idiot abroad. We're not having it. It's the one one thing that I said that I'm happy with I've got I don't want people thinking I'm a div it was in the meeting the producers and me and Steve and all the things from Sky and the marketing and I absolutely loved it as soon as I came up with it they started writing it down

well I'm back in a couple of days. We'll have another little meeting about that. Let's have another little meeting. Was the old croissant, then, free coffee? Is it all sat around on their arse? Yes, that's great, Ricky. Any other ideas? Pour us another coffee. I'm sick of that lot. Tell them now. Call them now and tell them that we're not doing series two. Nip that in the bud. I'm not doing any more. That's... Yeah, you are. We'll do some more. People love it. I've not doing anymore that's yeah you are we are

just more people love it I've had enough no let's do it come on let's think of something else you can do seriously what about this we're not gonna sort that out today idiot abroad fool's gold I give you a million to spend and you've got one year to make two million I've got a double a million. Yeah. You can gamble, you can put it all on a horse or you can put a little bit on a horse. You go to Dragon's Den, you go, I've got an idea, a clippable mug. What about the tie with, like, you can carry scissors in and stuff? It's already out there.

Is it? I don't know. What was the first thing you'd do with that if I said you've got a year to make one million and you've got this million? Just do loads of stuff. Well then, go on then, what was the first thought you'd do? Antiques and buy antiques, flog them on, art, buy a house in Bulgaria. What do you know about antiques?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, That's your first thought. How much is the house in Bulgaria? 100 grand. Right, how much do you want to sell it for?

I'm going to sell it for 200. I'm going to do it all. You're going to double your money on a house within a year? You've got to make 130. I'm spinning plates here. This isn't going to happen. You've got to keep flying to Bulgaria to check on the progress of things. I've got the local builders on it. In Bulgaria? Yeah, plate spinning. Antiques on the go.

What's that? Antiques? You're buying scratch cards? I buy a load of of scratch. How many? 5,000 scratch cards, but I'd have some kids doing that I'd say right you can have a fiver You've given it all toward. I'm got time. I'm giving it meant to do this is the worst Idea I've ever heard that my millions gone in it. Yeah, I mean I've just hasn't if you've got money you make money. That's a fact Where is Bulgaria? It's somewhere. I know Bulgaria is good for property So a lot of property programs. That's what I do. I just watch now There's a lot of play of things that you can do with property antiques

Why classic cars and doing a lot? So you're doubling your money on a classic car in a year. Yeah, but I've made stuff I've made inventions. What have you done? I've made the Dragon's Den. Like you said, a Clippable Mat, I do. You have your cup there, but look at that saucer. Every time I have a little bit of tea, I'm talking to you, I've got to go like that. I've got to look exactly where I'm putting it again. The Clippable Mat is stuck on. It's attached to it at all times.

That's ridiculous. I'm talking to you, how's it going? And if I want, I don't have to put it down there, I can put it down there. I'm not limited as to the surface that I can put it on. It's attached. It's washer proof. Dish washer proof. It's an idea.

I know. Fuck me, so am I. Most of the world is grim. It's a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, Ah! Most of the world is grim. Louis Armstrong did that, what a wonderful world song. I don't know what he's going on about. If Louis had seen what I'd seen, he wouldn't have brought that out. Well, Carl, you talked a lot before you went on the trip about how probably your

happiest holiday time was when you were younger. Where were you used to go? Wales. Wales. Port Maddock. Right. Year after year after year. It was brilliant. And why was it so great? It's everything you want. It's a good, like, you know, it was a good holiday park.

Right. Weather was good. I had loads of mates there. There was always kids knocking about who I got on with. Arcade, beach. There was Hells Angels down one end. I remember watching them thinking I want to be one of them. I wanted to be a Hells Angel. Because they looked hard, all the leather on and that and I don't know you see this again this might not be true but my mom told me it might have just been to put me off. She said to be a Hells Angel you've got

a shit in your pants. I've got your mom giving you a shit in your pants and give them on for a week. Mum, I'm giving you a... She's shitting in your pants and keeping on for a week. So, er... Yeah, my dad said my aunt in Oro could have joined then. He's got, er... So, what you're saying is that you have nothing but happy memories of your glory days back in Wales. I loved it. And, you know, you were whinging when we were sending you on these trips,

you were like, oh, I had a great time back in Wales, blah, blah, blah. Well, we sent you back to Wales. Let's have a look how you got on. MUSIC Every holiday we had, we'd go to this place in Wales, this campsite. Mum and dad's got a caravan there. It's designed, it's high-tech. I want you to experience it.

It's all right, isn't it? This is good, isn't it? You've got loads of space for stuff. Big fire. Three bedrooms it's got. What's good is, normally, say if your gran comes in, oh I didn't know your whole family's coming, where can I stay? You just go hang on, watch how quick this is. No that isn't one, hang on. Just hang on, you stay there. You just sort of...

That's not right, is it? Well she can just sort of, you know... You know, what's wrong with that? I remember getting chicken pox when I was here. I just sat in the bath with a load of salt, stop them itching. I burnt my hand badly, because Joan Rossi was with us on holiday and she gave me a plate with sausage rolls on it and she handed it to me with a tea towel. I just grabbed the plate and stuck it to my hand. A lot of injuries happened here really. Some people next next door.

See, that might get annoying. They've put us right next to a family of 12 or whatever, and they seem to sort of be out there all night. They've got a table there with all sorts. Game of Monopoly. You don't have a quick game of that. You know what I mean? They're there for the night now. Your company now.

If I was there, I'd be quite happy sat here, I'd probably put the telly on, have a cup of tea or something, relax. But because you're here going, what do you do now? What do you do now? It's like I've got to try and impress you. What's wrong with just sitting here now? The air's coming in, they're getting on my tits. I used to come to do crabbing, but it's a bit of a ropey day today isn't it?

See this isn't, I don't really want Ricky and Steve to see it like this. The ring's broke. When we go back? It's been a bit rubbish, hasn't it? It's been a bit rubbish. I don't know, is it because I've changed? Is it because I've been around the world and seen other things and then seeing this doesn't work anymore? Have I sort of messed up the fact that I used to like simple things

and now, you know, as soon as I'm on a books holiday I'll be going, never mind, forget having a swim in a pool, where's the local tribe? One of my ambitions for the series, I mean I know Ricky's got his own agenda, but I was hoping that, you know, maybe travel would broaden the mind. That's the phrase that we hear. Do you feel now the dust has settled like a different Carl? You're saying about the broadening of the mind, I've put more stuff in the mind. And whenever you do that, something has to go, doesn't it? Why does something have to go?

No, no. It's the mind. Everything's only got a certain amount of space. There's never an endless supply. Even with computers, they go, oh, disk space, full, or whatever. It's the same with the brain. But when I learn a new fact, I don't have to make room. I don't have to go, right, I've got to chuck some out. I've got to chuck some out now.

Of course you do. Unless you're Stephen Hawking, who's got it all on hard drive, you can't just go, oh, where's that thing? Where's that thing that I want to remember? You might go, oh, I remember knowing something like that before when you were talking about bananas. Now I had that fact about if you eat more than six, it can kill you. That's definitely not a fact. It is a fact. No, it's not a fact.

Potassium levels are dangerously high if you have six bananas. Now I didn't, when I walked in here today, I wasn't going, let's tell Ricky about the banana fact. I went in that place you're having make-up on, I saw a bowl of bananas, I said, there's six bananas there, you know why there's only six? Seven would be dangerous. This is all happened. What fact squeezed out of your brain to accommodate the banana information?

I don't know, because I forgot it. Perfect. There's no doors or anything. Oh What the fuck is that? Is that someone with gauze? The lights are changing! Lights, lights, lights! A load of bees are here. He's anywhere safe. That's a testicle.

Marcelo. Marcelo. Not bad. Okay. Okay. Ah, Jesus! Okay, now! I'm not putting myself above my station here. I thought it was going to be the new palin. I soon found out I didn't know much. But then I put myself out to learn a bit more. It's been a journey. People watching it have been on my journey. Everything I've been through, we've seen.

I mean, they say travel broadens the mind, but I don't know if it does. Bug is it up? I'm knackered. To his great relief, Karl's come to the end of his journey for now, but you can relive the whole painstaking experience the series is available to buy on DVD from all the usual retailers from Monday. And an idiot abroad might have finished, but Skywin HD is keeping you well and truly entertained with a bouncing brand new edition to Skywen's Comedy Thursdays. From the makers of My Name's Earl, raising hope starts next week at 10.