The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Sky1 S2E1 - Desert Island (January 21, 2012)

Episode Date: January 7, 2025

Karl is sent to spend time on a desert island in the South Pacific. Along the way, he attempts bungee jumping, land-diving, and "arseboarding", and he meets a tribe that worships Prince Philip.

The bucket list. See the glaciers before they melt. Go on an African safari. Encounter the world's largest mammal. The ultimate things to do before you die. Or are they? If I was on my deathbed, there's no way I'd want to be climbing Kilimanjaro. It's not things to do a few minutes before you die.

It's things to do in your life. Easy, boys. Easy, boys. It's difficult. He was so suspicious after the last time. Oh, God, Jesus. We've told him that he gets to choose from the list whatever he wants to do. This is doing the editing. But that doesn't mean that there won't be a few treats in store... ...that he's not expecting.

What in hell? This is a man who's reluctant. This is a man who doesn't want to do these things. No. Let it happen. No. It's making Kyle do things that other people want to do before they die. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. This isn't his list. Fucking twat!

Have you heard of the term bucket list? Yeah. What do you understand it to be? It's nice things to do before you die, innit? We've sort of compiled a top hundred that we've taken from loads of lists, and these seem to be the most popular 100 things to do before you die. Anything you fancy there? Flying a fighter jet. I don't forget that.

What's the sort of things you've heard of in the past as a typical bucket list? It's daft stuff. Right. Skydiving. Bungie jumping. Why is that daft stuff. Right. Er... Skydiving. Mm-hm. Bungee jumping. Why is that daft, though? Cos it's not worth doing, that sort of thing. I think it's dangerous.

Why do you think people do it, then, if it's pointless? Cos they're idiots. Sort of gel-permed hair types. Australians, sort of. You're not jealous of their hair, are you? No, I just mean it's that sort of... They go, woo! Yeah, normally I'd avoid them.

I don't want to know them sort of people. Right, go down the list. Well, I think you'll's that sort of... Go with the go, woo! Yeah, normally I'd avoid them. I don't want to know them sort of people. Right, go down the list. I think you'll find that jumping out of a plane probably is on here, and as he's budget-jumping, but there's obviously... There's 100 options here of things to do before you die. I mean, like being on a private desert island, even though I'm not that interested... Right.

I prefer that than doing the dangerous stuff. So, should we tick that? Spend a night on your own private desert island. Just at one night? But what am I doing, then? Just chilling out. Hanging out. It'd be sunny, you'd just walk around naked. No, I wouldn't do that. Why? There's no-one there. Just walk around, you know, like nature.

Completely naked, as God intended. I still wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do that. Well, if you're doing that one, as Gordon said. I wouldn't do that. Well, if you're doing that one, we're confiscating your pants. When you land. Just because you never know. One little cruiser who was on there... Who?

..and Friday cropped up. Who? Robinson Crusoe. Yeah. Well, he went and walked around with his knob out. Yeah, he did. And Friday cropped up. That's what I'm saying. You think no-one's there. A boat comes in, a cruise with a load of tourists. I'm stood there with my knob and bollocks out.

Anyway, it's sand and that. It's not good to be nude in the sand. Nude. OK, spend a night on your own desert island in your pants. Yeah? You can go a bit mad, though, can't you? Not in a day! If I was there, you could. Hello, Carl, Steve, mate, how's it going? All right

Good news. We found you a lovely little desert island. All right in a place called Vanuatu, which is in the South Pacific beautiful But Ricky and I were chatting and we thought it was a bit mad for you to go all the way to your desert island And not stop off in New Zealand, which is a great place to experience what is probably the ultimate bucket list classic, the bungee jump. Jesus. Okay, now. We could have gone straight to the desert island, but instead we've come all the way here for a pointless occasion, cos it's not going to happen.

I said I'm not bungee jumping. When we talked about the whole bucket list thing and Steve was going, oh, yeah, bungee jumping, that's what people want to do. They might, but I don't. And this is meant to be my bucket list. I've been on the world now for 38 years. I don't need to introduce this now. Oh, fucking hell!

I'm just creating a new problem if I do get into bungee jumping. I don't want to change. I don't want to get into this. Kyle, let it go. Look up. Bring that chin up. Focus on that mountain. Nah, forget it. No. And you're going to die down. No, I don't want it. Kyle, it's so... Honestly, you'll be coming up saying,

I need to do that again. See, what was that noise? I just made a noise. I've never heard come from me. Er, there's that noise again. You're going to go for this. No. Yes, you are. No. You have got it, mate. No. It's all yours. Looking up.

No, forget it. Forget it. Come on, Karl. No, there's a queue. I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it! I don't want to do it! This is your chance, Brian. Man up, boy! Toughen up, Snowflake. Come on. All right, stop talking a second. Just give me brain just a chance to count myself in.

Do it. Just do it. Nah, forget it. Just do it. Nah, forget it. Honestly, yeah, forget it. I've bottled it, I've bottled it. How's it going? How's it going? I'm in New Zealand. That wasn't on the list. Bungee jumping, cropped up, day one.

What's the point? Well, I always thought it might be funny if you, you know, overcame your fears and it would be a triumph. That's often the case, isn't it, with things you don't try? People say, oh, I don't like that. You go, you ever tried it? No. But then you try it and you like, you know, I didn't like asparagus a couple of years ago.

I love it now. No, well, that was the same with olives. But you can't put it in the same category. I made a noise when I was stood up there looking down. I have never heard the noise come out of me. It was like a... ..noise. I've never done that. Oh, God! Like a little bald wookie! Honestly. You didn't do it, no? No.

Now, you're probably kicking yourself. You are annoyed that Steve wanted to do it and you backed out. If you're scared to be in the same category as me, you're probably kicking yourself. You are annoyed that Steve wanted to do it and you backed out, cos if you're scared to do something like that, then you shouldn't do it. No, I wasn't scared. Will you stop saying the scared thing?

No, but you've got a chance to redeem yourself because I've arranged you to go where Bungie was actually invented, OK? And this island is also known as the happiest place in the world. So, no moaning. I'm going to go and see where the bungee was invented. Let's see what difference it makes about seeing where something was invented. It's not even a proper invention. It's not like a Dyson vacuum cleaner.

It's going to be some nutter jumping off a tree with a rope attached to his leg. It's not an invention. I fear afraid I haven't touched the ground. I can't believe I'm getting in another plane. I've only been in the air more than some pigeons. Pigeons seem to walk about on land more than I've been doing the last two days. I thought EasyJet was bad. Look at this.

Fucking hell. Hello? Hello? Hello. Hello, can you hear me? Yeah, just about. I'm on a plane. I didn't... I didn't do it. I told you I didn't want to do it. It's dangerous, isn't it? I said before I left London, I wasn't going to do it. I think you're taking the piss, mate.

What do you mean, I'm taking the piss? If you could see where I am, I'm not taking the piss. This is no decent holiday, this. I'm sat with a load of luggage here with my knees in the back of the pile of... You're supposed to be doing something, that's all. You're doing it. You what? I've got to try and just control this, otherwise you're going to end up killing me. I should be enjoying this bit now, shouldn't I? Because it is nice, isn't it?

But I've just got that little niggle of Ricky and Steve moaning at me because they didn't do that bungee jump. If I come to the happiest place in the world and I'm not happy, like what's up with me? I'm here to see this land diving thing which is you know it's like the birth of the bungee isn't it. If I keep saying no to stuff it's like will it get the bungee, innit? If I keep saying no to stuff, it's like, will it get worse? I'm just thinking through my head about what this land dive is. If I don't do a land dive, what are they going to find for me tomorrow? It's like, Carl, get down to tarmac dive.

So that's a land dive? Yeah, yeah, it's a land dive. It will do this, land diving. My God. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. You bring me to these places and expect, you know, just for me to fit in. Look at that for an image. And you're just dropping me in it. Cole, Cole, just calm down a minute.

Why don't you just have a look at a few jumpers? Yeah, I will have a look, but they're expecting me to jump and it's not going to happen. I'm surprised you think that I'd do that. I'm happy to go up there and have a look, but I'm not doing the jump because I thought it was going to be smaller than that. They will be special for you. Don't worry much. Many people come today to see the first white mantis jump.

So you will do it. Definitely not. No. That's how you're going to do. Looking at Steve saying it's the island of happiness, I can't see him getting happiness out of that. I mean they look happy and then pants they're wearing. They're constantly happy.

How high is it John? 30 meters. 30 meters. And what are they expecting here because I doubt I'll do it. Are these people expecting me to do it from the top? Yeah. They want you to do it to the top. Yeah, but why? Why? You see, I've got a mortgage and things. I've got bills to pay.

What a lunatic. Oh, he bottled it. He bottled it. Oh, no! What is the crack? The fan, special fan. It's just dangerous. Kids shouldn't be doing that. I mean, people at home say you shouldn't give Xboxes and PlayStations to kids because they don't play out. If that's the alternative, keep them in.

I don't want to, it's actually alternatives. Keep them in. I don't want to be grabbing something, do you know what I mean? I'm happy to have a dance with them, but that's not going to be enough for Ricky and Steve, is it, when they see that lad diving off there? They'll go, he did it, why can't you do it? What do you think I can get away with doing here? What would you be happy for get away with doing here? What would you be happy for me to jump from? If I jump from the bottom bar, is that OK?

Yes, that's OK. That's OK. Does that count as a land dive? Yes. Everybody agree? Yeah, yeah. If they say it's right, it doesn't matter what Ricky and Steve say. It's a land dive.

I'm diving from there into the land. I don't think anyone knows how dangerous it is. I'm getting advice here from a cabbage. I've got sweat in my eye. This is high up this. It's a lot higher than I thought this. I feel like Jesus. Here we go. Oh OK. Let's get a move on. Probably got a plane to catch. Yeah! Hello. All right. Where are you?

I'm where I'm meant to be now, at last. I'm in Vanuatu. Vanuatu. I spoke to Steve and he was all a bit down on me and that, and you were calling me a chicken. I got there, did the proper land dive. After, they were all, like, carrying me about, the local villager throwing me about in the air. They were loving it.

Done it. Did you do the real one or did you do the little child version? How high was it? I think you've got to be honest with me. It's the one below the child's one, it's about four foot, Carl. It was about... it the child's one. It's about four foot, Carl. It was about... It was about five foot. Five foot? Sorry?

I high jump higher than that. No. I think it was about five and a half foot. You're not supposed to say that! Basically, if you had fallen over and hit your head, your head would have fallen from a higher height than it is during this video. He's a f***ing dumb! He's fucking... He's fucking... Give it up for me!

If I punch Steve in the face, he falls over and he's dead. He's broken the record already. Because he's still in... He's still in from being so high the same spot. He's fucking... He's a big child. Well, because you've been so brave and so brilliant, I'd say, like, no, let's have one night in an after-easter hotel, so enjoy that.

This is all I wanted. This is what I was picturing. When I pick the desert island thing, just relaxing, enjoying my own company. Time to think, seeing if my brain works different when I haven't got the stress of Ricky around me, Suzanne asking for stuff, problems at home, the boiler. That looks never going to happen. The starfish and the sausage is never meat. I'm not enjoying it as much as I normally would. Because Ricky and Steve have sorted it out and a bit of me is thinking, why are they doing this?

It's almost like being in a private hospital. Yeah, you're getting a comfy bed, you're getting good food. But tomorrow, you're having a leg off. You know what I mean? This isn't for me, is it? I'm not going on another plane, Luke. It's pointless. No way.

Seriously how many more flights have we got to do on this because I think it's getting out of hand. I haven't even had my bag unpacked since I've been here. It's just been jumping on a plane, off a plane, on a plane, and now I've got to get to another island to get on another plane to get to another island. It's just doing me head in. It doesn't even make sense, this place, Vanuatu. 82 islands make it up, don't they?

I mean, how does that work? It's just in bits. It's like it's been blown up. So is that the volcano there to our right? Land of magic, land of fire. I'm not that happy being this close. Because that can go off. Because they can splurge for miles, can't they? Because I hate burns. I hate it when I'm doing fried eggs.

You get a bit of fat spitting out, it lands on your hand. That's what this is like, just frying an egg. I've just got a text from Steve. Hello, Carl. Hope you enjoyed the five-star resort. Sorry, mate, but the fun's over now. Time to go a little deeper and see how the locals live. A plane's taking you to the island of Tanna, where you'll meet a tribe who worship Prince Philip.

Enjoy, Steve. I mean, what does he mean, there's a tribe that worships Prince Philip? How does that happen? How does that come about? I mean, what does he mean, there's a tribe that worships Prince Philip? How does that happen? How does that come about? Just when, you know, I think things can't get weirder, you say, yeah, I'll give these pictures of Prince Philip, a 90-year-old man, to a tribe in the middle of nowhere. Hi.

What's your name? I'm Che Che. Che. Chay Chay. Chay Chay and... This is Albie, our greatest dancer, the chief. He's the happiest man in the village. And he's the one to tell you the whole story about Prince Philip and our people. HE LAUGHS THEY SPEAK INDISTINCTLY

Rain. HE LAUGHS Exactly, isn't it? You... like... Prince Philip? Yeah. he? You like Prince Philip? Let's see his face. Let's see if he likes this. You like him? You worship? I'll show you this, though. If you like this...

Philip. Philip. Philip. Philip, his wife. He was 90. Just a special coin they did. Five pounds. Quid. Five pounds. Five quid. Five pounds. I think he was happy with it. It's fine. You can have that. I don't know where you're going to keep it. Hey! Hey!

Kal? Albi? Yeah. Solid. SHE LAUGHS Are we far? Still? Hour. An hour? Yeah. An hour on this? Yeah. Are we far? Still an hour. An hour? Yeah.

An hour on this? Yeah. OK. Well, they're expecting me. They all look like they're waiting for me. Yeah. Everyone is waiting for you. So, is there anything I need to do?

Or just say hello? I'll just say hello. I'll just say hello. Hello. Thanks for having me. This is like a proper... proper tribe, this. These are the photos of the Prince Philip. It is weird, isn't it?

I mean, here they are, proper tribe, you know, living half naked in a jungle, and yet they're like Prince Philip in some sort of god way. Thanks again. I can't get my head around how that came about, honestly. What's this? What's... You met him then? Hang on, that's not real.

That's the real one. Well, how did you sort that out? Cos most people who need to meet him, they do a Duke of Edinburgh award. You have to help old people across the road or... That sort of thing, and you get to get your foot in the door and you meet him. He invites us to meet him at the Winter Castle in Llander. I can't believe that. I can't believe it. You get your foot in the door and you meet him. He invites us to meet him at the Winter Castle in London.

Can't believe that. Can't believe it. It is weird. They've got all these pictures up and they worship him. But at least he exists. Some people worship stuff, you know, these gods and everything. You don't even know where they are. You certainly don't have a postcode for your god.

They have. They can write him a letter. So the chief will tell you the whole story about the link between the Tana and the prince? He basically came here once, and ever since his visit, problems went away. So they worship him. I don't know if it's just a coincidence, I don't know if Philip did sort it.

I've never known him to sort anything. But at the end of the day, it's making them happy. And if they're happy, they've got all the pictures up, gives them something to look at. You've got to have a hobby, haven't you? And that's their hobby, in a way. I want to tell you that, like that we are raised here, you will be our defender.

They're heavy, aren't they? I'm meant to be here to go on a desert island. Do they know I'm not powerful? I'm not a powerful figure. I'm just a be here to go on a desert island. Do they know I'm not powerful? I'm not a powerful figure. I'm just a bloke from England. We depend on you, so now you promise that everything will be OK. What can I do? I mean, I don't... What's the main concern here?

What are they worried about? I'm not quite sure. I mean, that's madness. When I was at school, my head teacher said Cal will never be a high flyer. I'm suddenly part of the UN, sorting out the world problems and everything. That's not me, that. I mean, I think I said the right thing, didn't I? They don't need to worry. Everything's gonna be good.

Things change, but I think... I think it'll be all right. I'd carry on as you are. It's a bit sort of something that Obama would say or something. It's quite sort of positive. Join the queue. Thank you. Stay behind the same person, yeah? This is how we pick up our mafia guns. We dance, we dance together, we dance together. We sing, we same person yet. This is how we become more happier.

We dance, we share the dance, we dance together. We sing, we clap our hands. It makes us feel happy. It's all about keeping happy. They said if you feel down, have a dance. And that's true, isn't it? If you can get your heart going, it does make you happier. And I get my heart going by moaning.

When I get annoyed, that's when my heart kicks in. It's a win-win for me, because my heart gets going when I'm having a moan, and that makes me feel a bit better, and if I'm happy, I'm happy. I'm happy, I'm happy now. No more dancing, I'm happy. Over the moon. Whoo! That was all a bit full on, wasn't it?

Well, I still don't know what's going on. I don't know if I've been signed up to replace Prince Philip or what, but they all seem happy, so that's fine. And now Albie wants to take me down the road to the local volcano that he also worships. So, what can you do? How high up are we going? I've always thought it'd be handy having a volcano close to hand just to get rid of, you know, old mattresses,

old chest of drawers you don't want. It's a pain in the arse, when you've got to call the council 25 quid a time. Chuck it in that big hole. I'd love that. Some sort of big burning hole where you just chuck stuff in. Is it good luck to throw anything in? You're not allowed? We are not allowed to throw in anything. What's the point in having it, then?

Fucking hell. Karl, you must struggle to survive in hard places like this, in the desert, and learn to enjoy yourself. So, ice-poding is one of the things that can make you happy when you are in the desert. I was happy. I was happy when we were down there. and learn to enjoy yourself. So arse boarding is one of the things that can make you happy when you are in the desert. I was happy. I was happy when we were down there.

I was fine. Now we're arse boarding. I've never heard of arse boarding. Arse boarding is sliding down in the arse. In your arse? Yeah. See, you're the last people that think wanna do this. You're gonna get a load of ash up your arse.

I've got the wrong pants on. So what do you hold on to? You're just fucked off without telling me what you do. Hang on, it's not... It's broke. Albi! Can I borrow your sleigh? This is knackered. It's not gliding, though, is it? It's not gliding though, is it?

Oh, like a dog wiping its arse! That's what I'm good at, redesigning stuff, making it work for me. It worked a lot better. That's just what I want to do on my desert island. Find stuff, make it work for me. He's loving it. Did you say he was the happiest or the maddest man on the island? It was the happiest. He's loving it. Have you ever done the thing when you roll down the hill?

Let's share some fun. Here, let's have a roll. I'd say happiness is like having a cake. If you had a cake every day, you get sick of that cake. And if you're happy all the time, you get sick of being happy. That's a good saying, actually. Happiness is like a cake. Have too much of it, you get sick of it. New message.

Hello, mate. Just one more plane ride and another night for you with a tribe. And Ricky and I have found you, you're very much sort of Man Friday, all right, to help you survive your night on a desert island alone, all right? I don't know why we're messing around so much, meeting all these tribes. I've met one, I've met a tribe.

It better be different. If I get on there and there's a bloke with his knob in some wicker, I'll be annoyed. They've seen that. Is the Man Friday I'm meeting there? Is one of the chief's sons? Well, this is chief. Chief Keramus.

What's your language that you speak? My language is Nde. This tree here is a palm tree, but you say nindindip. Nindindim? Nindindip. That usually eat the fruit, we call it naho. Naho. Yes.

That one there, we call it nindi. It's all n? Yes. Everything begins with n? Everything begins with n. What's that? Er... It's a leaf.

That's how? Leaf. And we call it Ngu Ho Ngu. It begins with N. Don't you run out of options? You see, do your kids play... Have you heard of a game, I Spy? Yes. You say, I spy with my little I, something beginning with N.

They can't play that here, there's no way they'd play it. It'd be well boring. Be out all day. We are going to see where people are lying. This is where people are lying? Yes. Bloody hell. Jesus. Human?

Yes. A woman. What was her name? Nicola. Nicola? Yes. Just making kava. Use some sort of root, chop it up, pop it in that thing, crush it up, add a bit of water. That's what we're going to be drinking there, which I'm a bit worried about because everyone's sticking their hands in it. You look at this and you go, looks different, all a bit weird, pants to wear and all that but at the end of the day

everyone loves a drink don't they? But I couldn't be honest I don't think. Doing this every day. See it worries me if tomorrow I wake up and they're going oh you're a good sport you drank the caviar you ate the pork pop a bearer on. I'm not wearing them pants. I know Ricky kept going on about pants. I don't know what the rules are, what happens if they say, yeah, I'll pop these on. These are a pair of the Chief's underpants. It's a real privilege. I'm not putting on warm pants.

All right, mate, I'm glad you didn't answer. That's a good sign. Hopefully they've taken away your mobile phone. You don't need that where you're going. You're going back to nature. Your own desert island. And don't forget, Carl, it's just you with nothing but sand, sea, sunshine, in your little pants. That is an experience of a lifetime. See you later, boy. Sand, sea, sunshine, in your little pants. That is an experience of a lifetime.

See you later, boy. I don't know what's happening today. The chief son, apparently, he's going to be going on the desert island with me. But before he does that, I've got to give him this gift of a pig. Yeah, great, innit, never met him before. You'd think a box of chocolates or a bunch of grapes would be enough, but I've got to give him a pig.

Some sort of tradition or something. So I've given you the pig, you've given me this. Barta, barter ring. That pig makes you an honorary tribe member. And this morning the tribe would like to honour your presence by presenting you with your own Nambas, native pants. I'm not doing that. We have to give you our Nambas to you. I'm not too worried about that. Don't trouble yourself. I'm quite happy. You've made me welcome.

You stayed the night. You gave me Carver. You don't have to give me any more. You give that to us, we keep your numbers. It's our kind of respect. I thought I've, you know, I've tried to fit in, but this is a bit of a big ask for me. I just thought I was coming to learn some skills.

The pants are not an issue for me. I've got lots of underwear whilst I'm on the desert island. He's getting a little ram. I know, I know it is, yeah. It is awkward. I'll take away the bus. Then we have to do a dance. See, they're adding a bit more now. It's pop the pants on, then have a dance.

And that's when things pop out. But I brought my pig. They should be well happy with that. Why do they want to see me prancing about in some leaf pants? That's going to be out there on YouTube forever, me walking around with me knob out like that. You see, this is normal for you. But for me, this will go on the TV.

And my mum, my dad, oh, what's Carl been up to? I'm dancing around with stuff on show. It's all there to see isn't it? If it was a Christmas present you wouldn't be getting any surprises, you'd go I know what that is. You see it's, I've seen other Nambas and there's lots of grass, lots of cover. Erm, yours is slightly different. Do you know when I was sat in there last night in the hut and I was looking at it, I thought, quite fancy, some sushi. That's what it looks like, a bit of wrapped-up cod in a leaf.

I'm not wearing it. Those boys, there, they can trust you like that. Yeah, like that, that's good. Yes. Like that. And I can leave me... Yeah. ..pants on. Yes. Well, it wouldn't have been much better if it had gone the other way and wore the Namba, so it's a lose-lose. You're going to go with my son here, John. And two of you are going to the island. It's been an idea.

So John's going to teach me everything I need to know. How to use this, how to build, fish, cook, everything. John. Hi, John. Good to see you. All right, then. Is this for shelter? I don't know. I don't think there's everything you might need on the island, Carl.

I mean, um, I mean, he's here to teach you what you need to know. Surely you should be getting involved a bit here. I think I'm that type who, when I need to do something, I can do it. I don't have to... Jesus. This thing wouldn't be happy, would it? How big's this hook gonna be? Chuck him on the beach? Yeah.

See that over there? That would be your desert island, mate. Not as big as I thought. I was picturing the bounty advert. They've been conned again, haven't they? He's pissing it down. I'm on my way over to a muffin. It's not even that far away, am I? I'm hardly escaping everyone, am I? I thought it's meant to be like in the middle of nowhere, peace and quiet.

Fucking freezing. Come on John! It's just a bad start, it's like moving on a rainy day this. You're getting all the stuff wet. It's all bloody rock. I haven't even started yet. The leaves are all damaged. I've got to try and get this done. It's all bloody rock. I haven't even started yet. The leaves are all damaged.

Gotta try and get this done. Here. Here's ideal. There's a little bit of shelter from the wind in that little hole. Tie it. Actually, I've got some string. John! Use the string?

Yeah, use the string. Yeah, let's just get it done. It's fine. More rocks for around the bottom. Yeah, yeah, use that. Let's get the roof on. I mean, I honestly think people at home won't think I'm in the South Pacific is chronic. Shouldn't be making a shelter, should be building an ark. Shouldn't have brought more of this.

Never thought I'd be running out of gaffer here. This wasn't what I expected was it? So I think at the end of the day I think I'm entitled to change the rules a little bit, put my coat on in a minute because this isn't doing anything. In fact I think I think my skirts growing without that much rain I'm not sure Ricky would be happy about this Carl. I don't give a shit there's no way he'd be putting up with this. Sort of ruining the look isn't it? Well that would be a great look wasn't it? That would be a great look, wasn't it?

You can gock one. Pop it over your head. Keep warm. Yeah, about there. Put the leaves on. What's going on with the fishing? There isn't any. There's no knocking about. Nothing.

Nothing here. It's been me and John sat here all day. Built this, which I think is pretty good going, considering it's been pissing it down. You swaned off over there, fucking filling your big fat face. And I thought you'd come back with something. It's not whiting. It's wet.

You'd survive, wouldn't you, in this situation? I'm not made for this. I'm not made for this. Alright John. Ok, now I'm ready to go back to my home. You're leaving? I'm leaving now. Tarot here. Tarot? Yeah.

Roasted over the fire. How long? Probably an hour. Thanks again, John. Cheers. So, basically, I'm eating that sort of raw potato for tonight. Ricky gave us something for when John left, in case you weren't able to sort of deal with your own company.

He thought maybe you'd like a little, erm... A little friend. Where's the owl? MUSIC PLAYS So that's all they gave me, is it? That. Well, what am I meant to do, that? What's the point of that?

Look at it. Look at it! Look at it! It's just going to wind me up that. This is handy. When I was in the hotel, that nice hotel that Ricky and Steve put me in, I took this because when I opened the kitchen cupboard it made me smile, right?

It just says eggs on legs. It's an egg cup. I've had that out three times since I've been sat here in the pissing down rain. It annoys me now. And that's the thing with happiness. You can't just ask for it on demand. And what might seem like a good idea one day

when it happens, it's shit. Like this egg cup. It was good the other day. I was relaxed. I was full I wasn't cold I wasn't piss-wet through I'm starving I'm starving. Getting wet all the time, eh, getting wet? Wet socks is one of my biggest hates.

Well, you haven't got any on. I know, I know, because it got wet. Ow! It's like nothing, this. Sort of a cross between wood and cardboard. How's it going? Desert island. Did it. Done.

Yeah, that was the easy bit, sitting on a beach. It wasn't that easy, it was hardly a beach. There was no sand. It was all rocky, sharp stuff. I had to sleep on it, getting up my arse, in my kidneys, piercing the lung. It wasn't the comfiest night of my life. I COUGHS I sat down to do a crossword. It was something like, what's the American version of a prawn,

which is shrimp? Now I've relaxed, I know the answer. At the time, I was struggling. SHE LAUGHS I love the fact this was making me like a Robinson Crusoe experience, but it was more like a pensioner on Barkingham Beach. Yeah, but that's what I like, innit? I like sort of being older. I'm looking forward to that. Did you get my present at Wilson?

Well, what use was that on a desert island? LAUGHTER To keep you company? Just to think to me, just go, in times of hardship, you go, at least Ricky's over there. At least I've got Ricky. Yeah, no. But how may did better or worse if I'd have been there?

You with the nambas on. Sting of nightmares, that. Jesus. Little bounty. All right, then. See you later, man. All right. See you later, man. All right, see you. Ricky did say he wanted that football back. I've got 36 hours on a plane to get back home. I'm carrying that as hand luggage.

A little reminder of that little annoying face. He's not getting it. When you finally get to do the thing that you want, you realise it's not the thing you want. The problem is it's someone else's list, innit? I've gone into a pick and mix, and I've picked the things that I've picked because that's what's there. I might have gone in wanting licorice, but they haven't got any,

so I've ended up having cola cubes. Typical, innit? The day I'm leaving, the sun comes out. It's a Pilkington walk. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,