The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Sky1 S2E2 - Trans-Siberian Express (January 28, 2012)

Episode Date: April 13, 2025

Karl takes the Trans-Siberian Express from Moscow to China. On the trip, he experiences a Russian steam room, undergoes Cosmonaut training, meets a magnetic man, gets buried alive, competes in a wrestling match, and visits a dwarf village.

The bucket list. See the glaciers before they melt. Go on an African safari. Encounter the world's largest mammal. The ultimate things to do before you die. Or are they? If I was on my deathbed, there's no way I'd want to be climbing Kilimanjaro. It's not things to do a few minutes before you die. It's things to do in your life. Easy, boys. Easy, boys. It's difficult. He was so suspicious after the last time. Oh, God, Jesus. We've told him that he gets to choose from the list whatever he wants to do.

This is like an Atom remote. But that doesn't mean that there won't be a few treats in store that he's not expecting. Fucking hell. This is a man who's reluctant. This is a man who doesn't want to do these things. No. Let it happen. No.

It's making Carl do things that other people want to do before they die. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. This isn't his list. Oh. Ha ha ha. Fucking fuck! No! Yeah, this isn't his list.

Fucking swat! Travel the Trans-Siberian Railway. Oh, wow. That's the stuff of dreams, isn't it? This is known as the greatest train journey in the world. That's its nickname. But is that because most train journeys aren't that great anymore? I never get on the Pendolino from Euston to Manchester.

I'm looking forward to this. I do it because it's getting me from A to B. I've always wanted to do the Trans-Siberian Express. I'm fascinated by Russia, a place of amazing... It's the history alone. It's grim, though, isn't it? Russia. What do you mean, grim? All of it. It's the biggest country in the world. And all of it's grim. The bits you see on the telly is people queuing for spuds and stuff like that.

Now maybe it is a good train journey to them. Maybe their other trains are worse than ours. What if I told you this? The luxury carriages of the Trans-Siberian Express have, you know, all the modern cons. It's all this luxury stuff. What's the toilet situation on the train? I mean, as I understand it, and I have never been on the journey, so I can't say for certain, but there's, you know...

Toilets. There's toilets. Well, as long as there's toilets. How long are you on the toilet? Ages. I sit there loads. It's me time, innit? I like to sit in there. It's me. There's no-one else coming in annoying me when I'm in there. Everywhere else I go in the house. Suzanne's there. You haven't done this yet, have you called them yet? That needs fixing.

She doesn't come in there. Shut the door, sit there, my legs go numb. That's the thing for me that I've got to get up in a minute because otherwise she will have to come in and help me off. What a life! What a life! He's carved out for himself! I just... It's not one that jumps out for himself! HE LAUGHS

It's not one that jumps out for me. I'm not over the moon with it, but it's better than the others. That's the problem with this list. Can we sign you up for this one? Yeah? Great. Trans-Siberian Express? Yeah. Enjoy it. HE HUMMING MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC All right, just give us a lift into town. Hope you do not value life too much and got good life insurance. The brakes in this car just failed. It's the worst car I ever bought. It's British and I never thought a car could be made that bad. Right. What brings you here? Well, I'm going on the train on the Trans-Siberian railway.

There's things to do before you die. You've been on it? Why would I want to do something that's totally predictable? I'll leave it to you, British. You will be packed in a smelly carriage with Russians who will not wash for a week, but they will drink a lot. Say, beer is nothing, just one huge field. You're not selling it to me.

So anyway, what do you want to see? The red square? Whatever you think is worth seeing here? Nothing. You're not selling it to me. But anyway, what did you want to see? The red square? Whatever you think is worth seeing here. Nothing. Right, well, that's not great. I mean, I thought I was miserable. Good Jesus.

Honestly, if that's what I'm like, Sue's always says that I moan a lot. I'm nowhere near that level, surely. If she moans at me again, I wish she was here, really. Just so I can say, come and meet this miserable bastard. I mean, he's in the wrong job, isn't he? He's working with tourists. They don't get that many tourists here, can't they? But because of him! They would!

Don't have him as the first point of contact when people come in. Honestly, if there was a plane going back now, I'd get on it. Forget the train journey. Honestly, if there was a plane going back now, I'd get on it. Forget the train journey. Got a text just asking me to go and check a place out, get some food. It's got to be better than the taxi ride, hasn't it? Oh, I'll be there. Thanks. Cheers. What do you think? Food looks all right.

The building's lovely, it's just that there's a lot of blokes sat around with next-to-note on. They're totally nude. I didn't want to look properly. I just sort of saw the skin. Some of them are. It's leather furniture. You shouldn't sit on the leather sofa with a bare arse. I didn't like getting my dad's Ford Cortina with shorts on

cos your skin sticks to it. I certainly don't want my bollocks stuck to this. I don't even want the leather sofa with a bare ass. I didn't like getting my dad's Ford Cortina with shorts, obviously skin sticks to it. I certainly don't want my bollocks stuck to this. I don't even want to touch it now. I mean, it's wipeable. But has it been wiped? I brought you some towel and a hat. You're going to go to the steam room now. Steam room?

Yeah, it's what we're here for. I didn't know that. Nobody said that. Get dressed and we're waiting you in the steam room. OK, I'll see you in a bit. Cheers. It's show time. Let's go. You're dressed well.

Listen. What are you going to do? You're going to take a shower first. Er... Because you're going to get wet. What are you gonna do? You're gonna take a shower first? Er... Because you're gonna get wet. Now everything's hot. Oh, it's not so hot. I like a massage.

I love it when I get in. I say to Suzanne, rub my legs, they're active. Rub my neck. Yeah. Just a nice rub, that's all I want. Nice and quiet. Ten minutes of that. Whale noises.

I've never seen anyone in a sauna getting hit by a shrub. It's like being in a car wash. And the thing is, cause I can't feel anything at the moment, so I feel scalded. They might be nettles. I'll be covered in rashes in a bit, and then they'll be whacking me again with dot leaves. Fucking hell. Oh fuck!

Is it the good of it? It says a lot that women aren't here, because women are a bit more screwed on, I think, when it comes to knowing how to relax. There you go, I can have a nice little face rub. Leg massage. Facial. I mean, how do they do facially? Rub your face with a brick. It seems like everything, you can't enjoy anything. It seems like everything that you can't enjoy anything.

Can't wait to get out of Moscow. I haven't enjoyed it very much, to be honest. I've had enough of it. Got some revels, just to keep me going, you know, on the train. Glad just to get on the tracks, really. Start the journey that I'm here for. This is all a bit sort of Abadiranga steakhouse, 70s. More than that, it's sound. Yeah, perfect. This is all I want me on space.

No people annoying me, no noise, no crowds. Just look out the window at Russia, which is what it's all about, innit? You're just gonna keep yourself to yourself. Yeah, that's the plan, I'm not here to annoy anyone. They don't have to annoy me. Just enjoy it. For me, it's perfect. I can't moan, Ricky and Steve, this is what they said I was going to get.

And they've delivered. Oh, I'm going to moan. Your seat from the next station is in the back seat. No. This, this this here. Yeah. Room 6. Room 6.

Same as this? Yeah. All right, just give us a minute, because I need to get my shoes. Yes, yes. All right, just give us a minute because I need to get my shoes Yeah, I'll come to room six in a minute, all right Just give me a minute. I'll just put my shoes on I'll come down to room six Yeah, I'll come down in a minute just just let me put these on and get all my stuff together. And I'll come down. Brilliant.

I will come down if you want to. I can find it on my own if you like. I can come down. Just packing my stuff. A family of 12 in that one. This is good. Smoking garage. We're going in the rough part here. Is it much further?

You are having a fucking heart. Really? What's the day here? Where will I sit? This one's shelf. This isn't a bed. I feel like Anne Frank. I hope there's no one going to be above me again, is there? That isn't another bed up there, is it? It's just not practical, this. At least you've got a bed. Richard, stop saying at least I've got a bed. Great for putting books on. Ornaments. It's not a bed.

It's not a bed. Hello? All right, how's it going? Did you get on the train and everything? Well, yeah, it was lovely for about 20 minutes before they moved me to third class. Nice that. It was experiencing for a while, was it experiencing? Did you get bored with first class? I mean, one at all. It was a real question, I think.

Didn't really get a chance to get bored with it. What was third class like? What do you think? Third class, I didn't even know there was a third class. I don't even send letters to third class. I didn't know. Yeah, I couldn't believe there was a third class. Anyway, I'm letting you out of the next stop.

It's the 50th anniversary of Eurigegar's first space flight. So I've arranged for you to do some cosmonaut training. You're gonna get to ride the centrifuge and experience zero gravity, everything. Very lucky, very lucky. All right, see you later. See you later. I think it's just something that was done years ago.

It was a nice idea in the 60s. There was all that space race, wasn't there? People keen to get up there. But then it's just died out. To me it's how, like, everybody was sort of into going to Tenerife in the 80s. Everywhere as it's day. was into going to Tenerife in the 80s, everywhere as its day. Do you know what I mean? After that, Benidorm, before that, space, it's just terrible enos.

These are places that I talked about in certain decades, and after a while people realise they're not that great and they stop going. And I think that's what happened with space and the moon. You're not interested in zero gravity? No, I like having my feet on the ground and being in control cabin. I'm ready. Yeah, but is it possible to see it without me in just to see what it does No, it's not interesting. It should be inside. I thought it was a whizzy thing. It spins round. To where?

Into you, inside. I thought I've seen something different to this in James Bond. It was like an egg on an arm. It was his round and he can see my face and I can go, whoa. Yeah, that's a film though. It would make it a lot easier if I see someone else go in here, whizz round and see what they come out like. Do I have any control? You will not control.

I came to Russia to get on a train, Trans-Siberian railway. Oh, my word. I feel sick. I feel like a chicken. He just laid in an oven. Transformation of all movements to work is ready. I'm ready. No, no, I haven't, no. Of course I haven't. Why would I? Think about what you're asking me there, Richard. Have I done anything like this before? course I haven't. Why would I? Think about what you're asking me there, Richard.

Have I done anything like this before? What's got in a tumble dryer? What do you mean, have I done anything like this before? Can you hear me? We will hear you and see you. Ready? Please start off slowly. OK. I can feel that. Yeah. It's moving now.

It's not moving. It is? Moving now. That is moving. Try to calm down, please. They're trying to check your blood pressure. Calm down. Stop saying that. Put me in this situation.

When the test begins, what we tell you. It's a mad thing. It was 30 years old, that bit of kit. And it looked it. Everything is ready. Here we go. It's beginning it was like a giant 0.5 Only half of 1g It's difficult to down man Okay, 1g

How do you feel? Yeah, just feel a bit Work more signal Yeah, I am yeah Good for you One more time Okay, we go down. OK. Put it on.

Did it. It was all right. I thought I did a good job in the end. It's not that hard being a spaceman. Sort of built up as being tricky and complicated, but you've just got to sit on your arse. At the end of the day, think about it, they sent a chimp. I mean, when you're taking over from a chimp, it's not a difficult job, is it?

There's no pressure on you. In fact, there is pressure on you, because if you don't get it right, you go, what are you doing? Chimp got it, chimp managed to do it, why are you balling it up? Just got to go to a briefing for the zero gravity thing, you know, find out what it's all about. 7am, we will meet you near the central gates and we will take you to the airport. During the flight itself, you feel bad, don't try to keep it in yourself, vomit. After vomiting you'll be better. One more thing about the lamps, which are very hot,

because the power is around... I don't want to start whizzing about in zero gravity. It's worried me more seeing the briefing, seeing the footage of people floating about. Even Stephen Hawking has been up there. He's done it. Yeah, but what damage can he possibly do to himself now? He's knackered. Years ago, when they first got on the moon or in space,

it was all one small step for man, giant leap for mankind. See in that footage, they've got David Coulthard up there messing about in a racing car. That isn't what he was invented for. Thought it was communications and all that. They're just chucking shit up there. What else can we put in? What else can we see floating about? No one's getting anything.

Harry, have you got an old mattress? We can take it up. Do you know what I mean? What are they doing? Hello, what is your name? Carl. Bill Kenton. What sicknesses did you have during your life? Oh, loads. I get headaches a lot, back pain. I've got flat feet, kidney stones. Do you have them now?

I might have them. We'll see in the next room. Lungs swollen? Temperature is normal. It can't be. We will go to another doctor. Hello? All right, how's it going?

Yeah, not too bad. What's going on? Was getting excited about the zero gravity flight. Can't do it. She doesn't recommend you to fly, but you still can fly. Not if she... I've got to listen to the doctor. What do you mean? They have to give you a medical before you get on it. The problem is with your throat.

Hold on, what do you mean? Well, I can't do it. I would have loved to do it. I've never been so happy, really, to be here. She said, your neck's all swollen, your nose is glowing and your ears are wet or something. You sound like a fucking Labrador. Oh. You can't do the hero comedy, that's too dangerous, is it?

It's too dangerous, but I'll just chuck something else up there. What do you mean, give me something else to go out with? They want to see Carl Wilkinson. No, but they've booked it now, haven't they? We've booked the flight and they might as well do it. Just got to wait here now then. Not that bothered, if I'm honest with you. Ricky will moan going, what we've spent all that money on a zero gravity flight. What else could I send up?

Sick of revels. I know what will happen, people will go, don't you regret not doing it? No, not really. Never wanted to float about, it's never been a dream. I'm not one for getting ill either, I don't get ill that often. Got really ill when I was a kid. And I ate some old doughnuts. From outside Agenbach's, it's a local bakery. I went round the back and there was a load of cream doughnuts there and I ate them. Anywaynuts from outside Agenbach's, which is a local bakery. I went round the back and there was a load of cream doughnuts there and I ate them. Anyway, the cream was off.

I was in agony. Doctor came round, told me, man, that was going to die. He was messing about. She didn't know. She had a panic on. She called me dad at work, said, you've got to come home, Karl's dying. I was up with him. He's had a load of old doughnuts. Meant to be whizzing through space and talking to you about doughnuts.

The sky, you're going to be well pissed off with this. I've upgraded to second class just so I can stretch my legs out. I'm just getting sick of this journey now. It's mental how long this is. It's mental. It's the greatest real journey in the world. Longest trip. No, right, exactly. Exactly.

You said greatest. It's not. It's the longest. They've sold something on the worst thing about it. Why do you want to do something the longest? Go to Tenerife on the longest flight. You wouldn't do that. You know, I don't want to get there, see it and go home again. You're missing the point.

I'm not missing the point. I'm not missing the point. It goes a third of the length of the world. I know, well again, it's madness. If you go in that distance, get on a plane. We've moved on. It's madness. If you go in that distance, get on a plane. We've moved on. It's 2011. No one questions anyone, do they, when they say, watch what I do before you die. Go on a longest train journey. It's never followed up with.

What? What are you doing out for, you knob? All right. What are you doing? Are you bored? A little bit, yeah. I've still got this sort of throat annoying me a little bit, but yeah, a little bit bored. Not much to do, is there? Well, once again, I'll make Rick. I've come to your rescue because I've arranged a bit of company for you. I know you're a people person, so I've arranged you to meet a little magnetic fella, get yourself down to cabin five. You can't miss him. He'll have cutlery stuck to his face.

There's a lot of magnetic people in Russia for some reason. Oh, I'm up for that. It's all right. Someone to talk to. Hello? Michael? How you doing? So you're a human magnet? They're magnet. Magnet? Magnet. So tacky. Look, they're not even, they're not special or anything. What is going on?

I've never heard of such a thing. I don't know what use it is. Looks a bit ridiculous like that. I don't know what it is. It's a bit weird. It's a bit weird. It's a bit weird. It's a bit weird.

It's a bit weird. It's a bit weird. It's a bit weird. It's a bit weird. It's a bit weird. It's a bit weird. It's a bit weird. It's a bit weird. It's a bit weird. It's a bit weird. It's a bit weird. special or anything what is going on I've never heard of such a thing I don't know what use it is looks a bit ridiculous like that I mean cutlery drawers

are next to now you can get one for two quid you like a human post-it note magnet man magnet man were you baby? His children are magnet. What? Yeah. That's a normal family photo, isn't it? Yeah. Handy when out shopping. When you go food shopping.

Carrier bags these days are really weak. They're very thin. He comes out of wait rows. Done. What about that? Can you do that hands-free? Hello, hello? No. Can you stick it on your head? No, let go.

See, that's where that would be useful. Look at what he's showing you. If you could walk around chatting. He passed his magnet on to him. I'm passing my magnetic powers to you. It's getting cold again. I'm passing my magnetic powers to you. I bet you'll understand. I think an accident's gonna happen. Best not to forget it, because he's getting heavy stuff.

It's getting silly. I can't think of anything where you go, brilliant, I'm a magnet. When do you need to be a magnet? What superpower would you like, then? I came up with one. I'd be bullshit, man. There's so many meetings going on where you know people are bullshitting. I'd just like to walk in, I wouldn't need a special costume,

just dress like this, and I'd fly in, I'd go, bullshit. You're talking bullshit. And they'd go, oh, he's bullshit, man. And I'd go, yeah, he is bullshit, man. You're talking bullshit. And eventually, people would stop talking shit. Anything that's going on in the world, a bloke selling a car that needs, you know, it's knackered, he's going to say, great run of this, bullshit.

So great one of this, bullshit. Hey, Carl, Steve Merchant here. How are your mates? I've actually managed to track down a traditional healer who sort of works with nature and hopefully will help you to fully appreciate life. So yeah, get up for the next stop, mate. Can't imagine Russians being into therapy it's a bit soft it's a soft thing to do isn't it when people have to do that Russians are really hard I thought

they would you know they think it's a word of old bollocks. Carl. How are you? What are you doing? What's digging got to do with therapy? I thought I'd be meeting some woman who clears me head, calms me down and that. Instead of meeting some bloke who looks like he should be in The Sopranos. How long did that take? What time did you start? Maybe half an hour ago. That'll be big enough, won't it? Should you match your size? It's my size. Exactly.

Sometimes you're better off not asking questions. Oh, do you understand what you're doing now? I've kind of worked it out. I'm digging my own grave. Hang on a minute. Is it... Is it a full body? Yes. So your head's under?

Yes. What do you mean? How do you breathe? You'll breathe through the hose. You'll use a pipe. There's no rules. There's no rules here. It's Russia. They haven't got rules in day-to-day life, have they? Do what you want here. Nuttersville.

Usually the signal of three beeps, we immediately take the person out of the ground. Like this. There's no proper system. I said, what do you do? He said, you just go... I said, what you do? You just go... Ha ha ha. What three? You could do two, do what you want. Well hang on a minute. Let's have a system here if it goes tits up. That's what I mean. Honestly just leave me hands out is the best thing. Even cover my head if you want. Cover the head and go like that.

And that means get me out. Alright Steve, it's Carl. Can you give us a call when you get this? Because I'm just at that thing you set up, me being buried alive. I don't know if you know what it is but they cover you totally. I thought they left your head out or something but they want to cover me up. Call me back as soon as you get this. See ya. Ricky, it's Carl. I've just left a message on Steve's phone just I, erm... I'm at the burial thing that I'm having done, being buried alive. I'm not that happy about it. It's bloody barmy, if I'm being honest with you.

I don't know if you know what it is. If you get this, can you call me? Just so you know what it is. And if you're... Just give us a call. See ya. If it's quiet, my brain is always against me. My brain is never on my side. My brain will make me panic. It'll be going, what are you doing? There's worms in here. You could die here. Are they still up at the top? You know, all that and my brain's against

me. So I need to distract it with something else. Give it some music to listen to and it'll be happy. I don't want to panic my brain. Let's give it a go then. I'm just gonna listen to some music. Macabbilk, Stranger on the Shore, it always calms me down. Alright, let's do it. Hang on, I haven't got a pipe. This is one of them things when they tell you not to try at home and all. Well then why is it alright for me to do it, but not them? What's it like down there Carl?

Yeah it's fine, just let me have a bit of peace and quiet will you? Alright boy, put in that thing. Yeah that sounds horrible, I wouldn't do it. Oh boy, got your message. Yeah, that sounds horrible. I wouldn't do it. But the thing is, if they bury you and just leave your head out, that's more dangerous because someone would definitely use a football. Give it a boot.

Don't panic. That would make it worse. If you don't like it and you get down there, it's horrible. Just say, oh, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here. That's how it works. That's what Coy Cotona did. And she was mother of the year. Alright, see you later, bye. Hello?

Alright mate, how's it going? Not too bad, how are you? I did that thing yesterday, got buried alive. Cheers for that. That was alright wasn't it? What? Being buried underground having a hosepipe stuck in your mouth? Brilliant. To be honest, it has been the most relaxing thing I've done since I've been here. What does that tell you about Russia? It seems to me that you've been pretty much having a lot of lanching around time, which is great.

I know you need to get to your lounge time. So what we've done is we've just managed to arrange a little bit of a sort of sporty excursion for you. You've just got to do a quick detour to Mongolia and then you're all set. Is this me left? I'm not good on horses. Just take me time, slowly. Oi! No rush. That's it. Even slower if you want. Trans-Siberian.

Balls like leather. Hard. Hard skin like your boots. Boaks. Hard, hard skin like your boots. Bollocks. I'm with you to do some sport. That's your house? You got a satellite dish? You got a satellite TV?

You got Sky? Sky? Sky one? Why are they showing me a picture of a wrestler? Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky wrist. He's saying that if you wrestle tomorrow, be half of the family, they will really appreciate it. But I don't think I will win. So you're going to be disappointed. I wrestle. Oh, he's giving me a pat.

I don't win. You get no money, no prize. Then what? The whole village will know, like, Kyle from this family wrestled from UK, so that's, like, a good prize for them. Like, an honour. They seem really friendly.

Of course they're friendly. They want me to wrestle for them. He said he's got a damaged head. Now, he said it's a a damaged head. Now he said it's a motorcycle accident. Where's the motorbike? No motorbike here. He's done that wrestling. But he didn't want to tell me because it would worry me. Motorbike accident. I haven't seen anyone on a motorbike. It's on horse. What a lie that is. I think your outfits arrive for tomorrow. I'm leaving me underpants on.

They're all wearing them. They're not wearing them. This isn't a costume to fight in. I'm not happy with this. The fight was one thing, looking like this and I'm going to get battered. It's degrading. Have you got the top on right? I don't know. I've no idea. It's not the sort of thing I normally wear Richard, if I'm honest. So I don't know if I've got it right or not. I'm sorry. So I don't know if I've got it right or not. I'm sorry about that.

It feels too small. It's like a small cardigan. Are you sure that you haven't got one of the kids clothes mixed up with this? I look gaunt in the shadow. I've never had that. I've never seen my shadow and thought what a diva look. I look like an acorn. Right, I suppose I best get this wrestling training done then. Oh shit, hang on, why have you got these clothes on?

Why am I wearing this, you're wearing this, aren't you? Oh Thank you. And I'm bleeding I'm so not alone But I'm there I'm a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a Are you ready for the fight today? Yeah. Just want to get it done, get it over with. We all know the result here. Do you know what I mean? People at home aren't going to be, oh what's going to happen? What a mix this is.

I could go into a jumble sale blindfolded and pick up random stuff and get a better mix than this. What is this? What sort of look is this? It's their national dress. I've never seen it. I've watched Mr. Ben as a kid. He travelled all across the world, Mr. Ben. I never saw him looking like a knob.

Sun's come out. Yeah, I was hoping for it to rain, yeah. Look at the size of the people behind me. I'm going to get battered. I've had about 40 minutes training. I'll tell you, you better have that camera running, because I'm going to get battered. I've had about 40 minutes training. I'll tell you, you better have that camera running, cos it's going to be over in a flash. You'll have to slow it down and all that. It's not going to be highlights, bad bits or good bits.

It's going to just be whoop-bang, like that. Quicker than a bungee jump. Good job. Right. Here we go. Let's get back on the train. Waste of time, I told you that would happen. Sorry about that. This is a bit annoying. Just look at this map.

We started off in Moscow. Steve said, oh, yeah, just go to Mongolia, you're passing. Go and do the sport thing. Done that, we're still on that to Mongolia, you're passing. Go and do the sport thing. Done that. We're still on that same line, which means this train has gone to Beijing. That's where I've been. Did that last time when I saw the Great Wall. Didn't like it. They know I didn't like it.

I don't know why I'm going back there. Hello? Alright. How are the Mongols treating you? Er, yeah the Mongols are alright. I haven't gotten into problems with any Mongols. Anyway, I'm calling you because I've been looking at the map, right? This train's not going across Russia anymore, it's heading to Beijing. And I've been there, I've told you I hated it. I said China dreadful, worst place I've ever visited. Okay, right. One, you didn't see all of China. It's a huge place.

Two, that's why I sent you there, because you hated it. When will you learn? This is not a holiday. So go and explore it, and link something to the telly, please. I mean, I wouldn't go there, because I saw India abroad,

and that looked awful. But we're not the same, are we? So you might enjoy it. All right, I can do what I want, can I? The last time I came here, you know, when I saw the Great Wall, didn't really enjoy it, did I? And I got back and I sort of said to a mate where I'd been and he told me about this place.

And I was gutted I never came here all this way I never saw it so it's weird in a way that I've had a second chance it was like it was meant to be I think it's in keeping with what what we've been doing you know travel, travel program, showing you the world, how others live, little communities and all that. Hi! This is it. It's Dwarf Village. It's like this little town that they set up.

Dwarves used to get a hard time or something in China, so they've set this up, a place where they live and work. They've made it for themselves everything they want it's made for being a dwarf it's ideal they're all happy Leo Look at the skill of this I did a little bit of woodwork

Looks amazing. I mean that's not crap is it? He's done all this all sort of miniature look. It's really cosy. And to him it's massive isn't it? You can show me around one of your houses. Okay. I haven't been in one of these.

Just slow down a little bit. Just hang on a minute. Just hang... hang on. Oh! No, you're not meant to laugh. Two small boy you. Yeah, I am looking for something a bit bigger. Am I the biggest man who's ever been in here?

It's good, isn't it? HE LAUGHS Two small. Do you know any dwarfs? HE LAUGHS Too small. Do you know any dwarfs? Yeah, I know one. I know a little dwarf. Because the mate of Rick's, I don't know what he'd think of this. He's always playing roles as, like, elves and Santa's little helper and all that. So at the end of the day, what's the difference?

At least here, they work every day. 2pm, showing, seven days a week. Dwarfs at home, they're busy at Christmas. What else are they doing for the rest of the year? There he is, sat on a shelf, his name's Warwick. Any film with a dwarf in it, he's it. Hello?

Is that Warwick? Yeah. Hey, it's Carl. Ricky's mate. Oh yeah, alright. Yeah, what happened? I'm just in China. I'm looking at a dwarf village and I wanted to run the whole sort of concept by you because I know that people at home get a bit funny about, oh, you shouldn't be, you know, having

a little dwarf village and all that. And it's really good. The people in there are dead happy. Nice little show they put on just thought you know it sort of covers me if I speak to you and say I'm out of Dwarf Village and you go yeah I've heard of that it's nice good on you No I've heard of it definitely but I don't think it's nice Why not?

Well I mean it's like going back to the days of the Freak Show again, isn't it, really? I mean, they're all in there together, and you're going in there to gulp at them, basically. Er, well, yeah, I did. And, you know, there is like little blokes in little funny outfits and all that, and you do sort of smile. But they're smiling. I think it's all right, isn't it? I think it's alright in it yeah there's a King no no he was the head no it was the head man he was at the top he had a little cloak on and a crown, shades on. You could tell he was in charge. What's happening here in China, it's segregation, it's exploitation, seriously.

It's not. You see, you haven't been. This is what annoys me with people who... I'm in the thick of it here. I'm stood by their houses. They're all happy. There's a woman who I met who's a little dwarf. She's only been here four months. She's already got her own mushroom to live in. Now you tell me that's wrong. I'm just a bit disappointed in you to be honest. Hang on a minute, you're being all on your eye-horse on that. The picture that I've shown of you on the telly so people knew you were,

you were sat on a shelf. Yeah well it doesn't change my opinion to be honest. I was doing something that was important while I was doing that anyway. So if all your work dries up, they're not making another Star Wars, you can't dress up as a little monkey, you've got no money coming in, you wouldn't think about coming here then? Definitely not. La la la la La la la la La la la la La la la la

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