The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Xfm S0E3 (Tape 2A, 1998)

Episode Date: September 2, 2022

Gervais and Merchant first worked together in radio on the London-based alternative radio station Xfm London. Their show was broadcast from January to August 1998 from 4–6pm on Sundays, and only featured Gervais and Merchant (before their collaboration on The Office). The show's original format was more interactive, with features, guests, phone-ins, and audience interaction through listeners' letters.

It's just gone five past four. Ricky Javed show that Steve just doing a microphone, putting his headphones on. Sorry Rick, I'm not... Sorry, you just didn't give much time to prepare myself. No, a week. Yeah, it was actually a week. Um, I think that's working. My headphones are not quite working.

No. It's going all right though. Well, not only we haven't, not paid for the show. Yeah, okay. I thought maybe people could phone in and give us some subjects to talk about 0171-5802000 or they can fax in 0171-5801234 and they could get like a discussion going like what do you think that toward a France nonsense and we could sort of, no no not that. What do you think about uh... well you know it's their idea in it? Oh 1-715802, quickly I mean really seriously just get on

the phone now. This is my record of the week. Yeah go on, yeah what is it? Exciting? Yes, food fighters, right? Walking after you. I'm looking forward to it. It's quite interesting, I think it's quite interesting, Rick, because, you know, it's a very sensitive song, very beautiful song, and I think it betrays something about you, about the inner Ricky. Yeah. Which I don't think we've ever sort of really tapped into before. No, but I mean, I've ads. Oh no it's not, it's an ad, it's select, that's an advert for it. Whatever, Rick, it doesn't really matter, does it? Realism it makes all the difference. So I don't think I'm just making it up. Come

on. Right. Lonely depressed bygirl needs someone of any age, right? that fits, you know, you're any age.to understand, right? Any age? Well that fits, you know, your any age. Certainly. Yeah. Ugly freaks preferred. Yeah. Right. Anyone? Well, I'm in there. Well, don't, don't count the chickens. Don't count to chickens. Confidentiality and honestly assured. Give it to me now. Now, I know what you're thinking's fine. Give it to me now. Now I know what you're thinking. Because she said, give it to me now. I know what she said.

I know why you're thinking. She's any age which you fall into nicely. Ugly freaks preferred. So you're at top of the list. And anyone accepted. See, but I don't think she realizes quite what you look like because you're not in her framework do you know I mean so I still think you might be disappointed no I know thevace this will work this will work let me see this I only depressed by girl what does that that bisexual bisexual yeah again I think thi sexual bisexual yeah thi sexual

ye sexuality of any human. Do you know what I mean? All I'm saying, bisexual, Javais, do you know what I mean? Ha ha ha, what do you mean? Hey? Three, you know, A, three people. Three in a bed. You are bisexual and an amphibian.

Three in a bed, Rick. Hey! But you won't be one of them. It's not going to happen to to to to to to to to to to to to happen, to happen, is, to happen, is, to happen, to happen, to to happen, to to to to to to to to thine, is, is, is, is it, is it, is it, is it, thia, bisexual. Do bisexual, thi, bisexual. Bi, bisexual, bisexual, bisexual, bisexual, bisexual, bisexual, bisexual, bisexual, bisexual, bisexual, bisexual, bisexual, bisexual, bisexual. Do bisexual, bisexual, bisexual, th. Serena Baird Rick. Hey! Hey? But you won't be one of them. It's not going to laugh, is it? No. Nearly 25 passed for for the show, I'm with the Javace.

Javais, I know we haven't got much in the show today. We've not been thought of anything to talk about why do you just give a time check then just to fill it up I know exactly yeah but like why do you know me because the music the music was playing right and you mentioned it's 25 past four um we'd never do time checks how is that that is that useful what you expected someone's looking at the to be a I'm gonna think they're gonna to be a good good good good good good good good good good good I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I don't like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like I they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they'll they're gonna they're gonna I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I I'm I'm I'm I I'm I I I'm I I I I they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're gonna they're gonna they're gonna they're gonna they're gonna they're gonna they're gonna they're gonna they're gonna they're gonna they'rethank God they told me what else I've got to take that bun out of the oven. Well exactly, that's it. No, but you don't want to to tell you. Or they probably just realized some of good start some good start. Don't say it's 25 past.

Well exactly. Well, exactly. Don't they do that. Don't say. Don't say. Don't say. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. the. the for that why they do that and not on the hour like ITV you know where you are with ITV BBC 10 past quarter past 0171 580 2000 yeah why to BBC I'm struggling you are indeed well I'll tell you what I'm gonna do I'm gonna quickly go to an ad break which is good yeah that keeps people pretty they'll be desperate yeah they'll be listening to the little trout what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what to to to to to to to to to to to to they. I I I I I I I I I I I'll their. I'll their. I'll their. I'll their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm they. I'm their. I'm they's they's their. I'm their. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I's they. I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I they. I they. I they. I they. I'll. I'll they. I'm. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. they'll be desperate. Yeah. They'll be listening to those. I'll be a little trial, watch this. But after that, if you can hold out for 40 seconds, we've got the new one from the Mannex Street Preachers, you've got to be happy with that. I'm loving it. Javais.

I watched thea. And instead of just a one night rider car, it's a team of them, a fleet of them, Javais. Team, I think he said teen. No team, teen nightriders. Yeah, when he was little, he had spots and he was a little bit embarrassed. On like a little, little, a little sort of scooter. Yeah, and you go up to girls and goes, what are you doing? Nothing? Yeah. I was just, no, I was, I got, I'm caught in the flies. Get these like, Kit's there, sort of explaining how to shave. Yeah, yeah. Beautiful. You dirty little, now that is really gummed up my CD plane. Oh, we'll stop it there, sure. Team Night Rider. I'd say, if we get on to talking about thea thea thea thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, what thea, what tha, what tha, what th, what th, what that, what that, what th, what th, what that, what that, what that, what that, what that, what that, what that, what that, what that, what, what, that, that, that, that, that, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. that, that, that, that, that, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, I's, I'm, no, I'm, no, I'm, no, I was, I'm, I'm th. th. th surely. Team Night Rider. Team Night Rider. I'd say if we get on to talking about tele programmes, Javais, we'll be here all night. Yeah, won't we? Yeah. We're about 25 past four now. That's brilliant. They're disappointed. But listen, Javais, you know I've always said

that you know when a party's going bad, yeah, when you end up in the theme tunes exactly and you remember swizzlers oh yeah yeah and flying sources yes we remember flying jumpers everyone starts laughing I'm back when jumpers do you remember back when she's retired now thanks oh grot bags a grot bags that was what was that was I was the emu pink windmill oh yeah yeah talk about gay subtext pink windmill so I take it with the fact that we're talking about it we are in the a the kitchen the kitchen the kitchen the kitchen the kitchen the kitchen the kitchen the kitchen the kitchen the kitchen the kitchen the kitchen the kitchen the kitchen the kitchen the kitchen the kitchen the kitchen the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they. you you you you you you you you you guys. they. they. I was they. you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you. the the kitchen. the kitchen. the kitchen. the kitchen. the kitchen. the the the the the the the the the the tc. the tc. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the fact that we're talking about it. We are in the kitchen at a bad party. We're in the kitchen out of bad party. We've got nothing have we? You know, usually we say we've got nothing, we've got a couple of things and we get up. We've really got nothing. Absolutely nothing. What about that team night Michael? It's time for school.

Oh come on, I've got bellyache. Well, you're one enough to do that. I have to get rid of my poison. Um, well, yeah, no, but team, I wasn't talking about team nightrider. No, sorry, team nightrower. You actually, you're actually going to say was that it was greatest thing is there was Team Night Rider, which is the sort of 10 years later, there's a team of people with super electronic cars driving around solving crimes. Yeah.

And then it flipped over and there was Butt Rogers in the 25th Century featuring Gilgeride, do you remember him? Good looking fidder. Yeah. And Twinkie, are you on crack? No. No, so have you taken sort of like some real sort of heavy mixture of cocaine and listen to what's that and then obviously a good-looking fella Biddy and a man-nih mani! No that's Twinkie! What's the white? What's an impression of Twinkie? The little robot? The little robot. The little little silver robot that went bidi-biddy bidi. It's just simple as that. I'm not trying trying trying trying to to to trying trying to trying to to trying trying trying trying to to to to trying to the the to the to the the the to the thoe, thoom, thi, you, you, you, thi, their, thi, thi, thi, the little, the little, the little, the little, the little, the little, the little, the little, the, the, the, thi, thi, thi, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, they, oh, oh, they, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, the little silver robot that went bidd-biddy-biddy. It's as simple as that. I'm not trying to corrupt you, I'm trying to get, you know, confusion. All I'm saying is, great TV shows there that we forget, you know, we're in the kitchen, Javedon, we're in the kitchen.

But everyone else has left. It's just us to talk about is there's a lot of TV shows there's a lot of TV shows that we we know and love and we remember yeah but a lot films right that became TV shows mash obviously the big success yeah you know Javais I read about this yesterday fantastic do you know that they made a TV show right in the 19 82 of Casablanca right featuring David Sol That's what, Rick? What a fantastic TV show.

That is fantastic. It'll be Casablanca, and you'll have a picture of him, wouldn't you? And every week, they'd find a different reason for him to say, play it again, Sam. And lovely, and lovely Patty Coombs. As he's a nice one, that would be fantastic. Mr Rick, I'm not playing backgammon for money. Playing a game sound. It would be great. Every week, whatever it would be, I don't know what they're different contrivileges. It's like a catchphrase. Oh, that would be fantastic. Bobby Crush is the bloke on the piano. You must remember this.

Oh, fantastic. Every week he gets an excuse to play it. Well once I was looking through, right. there, right, right, and there, and there, and there, and there, and there, there, there, there, there, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that, that, that, th. th. th. that, that, it was, it was, it was, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it. Oh, it. Oh, it. th. Oh, it's, it's, it's, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thou. th. th. It would would would would would be th. th. It's, it's th. It's, it's through, right, and there was that TV show called You Must Be The Husband, right? Yeah, it was called You Must Be the Husband. And I've never seen it before, and I've never seen it, it was just flicked over and we saw the last that we were going to watch some out. It just ended with the waiter coming up to one of them going, you must be the husband and we thought do they have to win with every single week dearie me that's does a hard work yeah putting catch phases yeah in the TV shows I'm a great David Saul David song oh that is fantastic Dave Hutch oh who played Victor Laslow I don't know anything else about it if anyone's ever seen it please give me a court

a fantastic show that would be oh I know I know who played a big what's his name Rodney. What's his name, Nicholas Lindhers? He'd be great, and he, Nick Berry. Nick Berry, that'd be beautiful. And I'll tell you what it would be, it would be, yeah, they'd be on a golf course and, um, and uh, Sam would like, miss a stroke, wouldn't he? And they'd just go, oh, they'd th, oh, oh, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th, Nick, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thin, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, Nick, thi, Nick, oh, play it again, Sam. And everyone else would laugh. It'd be beautiful. Baby Bird, if you'll be mine, we can keep this cut forever now. We're in the kitchen. She's made a cup of tea. Apparently, Steve, who says this? He doesn't say play it again, Sam.

No, I know he doesn't. He says, go on, play it, I know that but it's the TV show that bang to have made the same mistake aren't they you of course that can do an academic subject then of course oh I can't boy I'm sickened I'm sickened I'm sick and because everybody knows that Javais and yet he's come out and he's thou thin he's come out and he's stout he's st st st st st st st st st st st st st st st st st st st st st st st st st st st st st st st st st out he's he's he's he's he's th th th th th th th th th th th thed he's thed he's thed he's thed thed thused he's th thoed oh oh oh oh oh oh he's th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the th the the the the the thou the thou'' the thou'''a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a' is so so so'm so angry because everybody thinks I'm in Imbrosil. Yeah! Well, fair enough, yeah.

No, because I was going to mention a couple of, because I came up with a couple of my own TV shows. Go on, yes, I've got a few. If you come up with, have you talked with? Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, when they have a cliche in the total. I was amazing. It was fantastic. It's fantastic. I know, I love it. Yeah. But my favorite, this is when I came up with, right? It was called Lady of the Night, right? Right? But that's Knight spelled K-N-I-G-H, right?

And what is clever about it is, what it is, is there's a Knight of the Realm, okay, but it's set about sort of, sort of, sort of, sort of, sort of, sort of, sort of, sort of, sort of, sort that sort of thing. And he's a night in the realm, you know, Law, was it Sir Johnson or whatever, and he's a night, but he doubles up as a private investigator. Right. And he's got working for him, a prostitute, right? He's also a private investigator. Yeah. And it's called Lady of the Night, and it's called Lady of the Night. And it's called Lady of the Night. And it's called Lady of the Night. And it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's double, it's, it's a the, it's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he's a the, he's a the, the, the the the the the they, is double, is double, is double, is double, is double, is a double, is a double, is a double, is a double, he's a double, he's a double, he's a double, he's a double, he's a the night and she's a lady of the night. It's a night. It's fantastic. And they go around, but seriously, they go around investigating like crimes, sort of white chapel and stuff, and it's brilliant because, you know, obviously she's a prostitute of her and he's a knight and there's a bit of sexual tension, Javais obviously, and obviously got to the Victorian elements and everything, and, you know, he's obviously got to maintain a certain reputation. Yeah. So it's Lady the Night and there's all the intrigue and tension. What do you think about that? You've thought this through? I thought that through. That's

fantastic using all your technical knowledge and your film study and yeah. I came up with one starring. Gnawit the tau-In-a-a-a-nose-noy. the the their-noynoynoynoy and work in the kitchen right and that's called a nun in the oven I was gonna say yeah of course it is yeah oh that's beautiful you remember when Ray Cooney that thing in the 80s and all those had those farces on and basically what he did was substitute the word life for wife he had run for your wife and wife begins at 40. Beautiful. It doesn't make any sense does it grammatically? No.

I just thought of one like, I said to Claire a few weeks ago that it would be like a stage play and there'll be loads of people jumping in and out like the hospital beds. But one in one of the beds, one of the wives she just wanted to die because of no quality and it's whose wife is it anyway? That's nice. That's that that that that that that that that that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's thatthey had no quality and it's whose wife is it anyway. That's nice. Yeah Brian Rick. Oh that'd be beautiful. I love that. Touch a frost. It's so clever. And the other one is loads of lawyers with their wives jumping in and out of bed with just underpants on taking drugs and it's this wife. That's beautiful. Yeah. That's great. That's nice touch. So let's have some competitions then. I've got the the the the the the the th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's. I. I's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's great. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I's that's th. I's th. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm touch. I'm touch. touch. touch. touch. touch. touch. touch. touch. touch. touch. that's that's that's touch. I'm. I'm.'s a nice touch. So, um, let's have some competitions then. But you know, I've got a whole game show as well, which I could mention. Go on.

Do you want me to mention it or have to the next? Should we play a bler oyster colt? They're classic song. Don't fear the Reaper. Can I say the reaper? it's called Ricky Jovey's Meat Rations. Right. And I like it already. You like it already. Because there's a party there for me. Yeah. Could I play the Ricky Javets?

Yes. Fantastic. It was originally called. It was originally called. Basically let me just summarize very briefly. I'm not going to to tell you all the games. But there is basically recit, it's recit, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, I... the, I. the, the, I. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. It's. It's beautiful already isn't it? It's got the nostalgia thing. I've got a game as well. But it's called, it was really going to be called Ricky Gervais, Fag Rations, but apparently cigarettes weren't rationing in the war. So it's called meat rations now. And I'll tell you, some great games. My favorite is, oh now what's it hide from sort of snooping Nazis. Oh that is fantastic.

And there's also of course, well let me go into it, there's also um dig for Granny. Well I'll dig for victory if you like. And what does you're scavenging through rubble? Could I just say if he's a copyright? Anyone trying to rip me off? I mean I've got the penis puppet theater. I've got got got got got got got a their. I've got got got a their. I've got. I've got a their. I've got a their. I've got a their. I've got a their. I've got a their. I've got a their. I've got a their. I've got a their. I've got a the the the the the th. th. th. the th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi puppet theater. That's lovely. Yeah. And I've also got a new game that I talk about after, after yours. It's called Tip the Balance. And it's sort of like a game for four and it comes, it's like, I'll send it off to Waddington, see what you think. I mean, there's, there's, there's teething problems with it. Well, listen, Javice, look. Let that. Let th. Let th. Let's th. Let's th. Let's th. Let's th. Let's th. th. th. th. the th. their. their, their, their, their, the the the the the the the the, the thi. their, their, thi. the thi. the thi, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tip. It's their, it. It's tip. It's tip. It's tip. It's tip. It's tip. It's tip. tipe. tipe. tipe. tipe. tipea. tipea. tipea. tipea. tipea. tipe. tipe. tipe. tipe. tune. By Blue Oyster and his cult. It's a classic. Yeah, and then we come back and we're try and make some money. Let's make some cash. Well, you've got to be happy with that. Blue Oyster Colt, don't fear the Reaper.

Yeah? Yeah, like it already. So, go on then. So, what other games's the sound of an air age siren. Yeah like it already. And we came up with start chewing up mum for rickage of A's meat rations. Excellent. Do I look like sort of walker out of dad's army? Yes. Oh that is fantastic. You come in. Yeah and what it is is the set right is kind of like half of it is an old sort of East End pub and the rest is kind of rubble and debris and a skyline of ruined you know you know and what it is is that you come in you're fairly sort of sharp dapper and of course Chaz and Dave provide the music throughout the show and

ding-ding dingh dinghy and you know the dolly bird that usually comes on she's a woman with like curlers with a little scarf on it that's she comes out with those little floral aprons you've got it You've got it. You've got it. Fantastic. And so there's a game show, there's a bit in the show called Roll Out the Barrel. Yeah. I don't know what happens in that. Roll out the barrel. A wicket thin. There's a barrel of fun sort of thing. And there's, yeah. So there's a dig for victory where you've got like a big pile of rubble. And you're digging th. And th. th. th. th. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There's. There's. There's. There's. There's. There's. There's. There. There. There's. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. It. There. It. It. It. It. There. There. It. It. It. It. It. It. There. It. It. It. It's a. It's a. It's a. It's a there. It's a there. It's a there. It's a there. It's a there. It's a there. It's a there. It's a there. It's a there is fantastic. And there must be some sort of fun with like gas masks, when you can all put them on and dress up as like, I don't know, one of the banana splits. Yeah, that's the work. Who snork? Yeah. Yeah. Well possibly. So there's every week there's the real snork. So it's like confessor to come on. Which one snork? Yeah so you've got three maybe maybe the the their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There............................................................ So. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And. And. And, ork? Yeah. So you've got three, maybe got three celebrities. Yeah, it was a gas mask and the real snork. That's great. So you've got

some like Ted Moultson, he pops one on, you've got a pop's one on, yeah, and Jillie Cooper. And they put their mask on and like a little outfit and then the real snork is there and you've got some questions like you get like Bernie Winters and Henry Cooper going. Number three, how long have you been in the banana split? And Ginny Cooper goes, oh about six years ago, oh I don't know, I think the banana splits been going longer than that. No, I don't think it's number three. What do you think? And Bernie Winters go, number one. Number one. How did you get the job being in nine splits? And it's from Ted Moultson going, oh I am, I'm an answered, man, but that's not right. They were born, you know what I mean?

And there's Chas and Dee for in the corner, she's going, na na na na na na na na na na na. Naa. Naa. Yeah, with the real snorks and they're they, lights go, right? And that one stands up and he sits back down again. And then the real snork, and the others all take their mask off. And they go, it's loving Jillip. What are you doing? Well, I'm appearing in Pussing Boots down in the Brighton.

Oh, that would be fantastic. What? I'm not letting you book the guest. Oh God. But wait a minute, I mean I love your idea, who snork. It's a bit old isn't it, how we started off with a kind of wartime nostalgia show, but now we've sort of featured sort of quite bad 70s animal thing. Nothing wrong with the banana split. But I like that, that's a good game. Yeah, okay. So I'm just going to make a note of it because we've we've a we've a we've a we've a th th th that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that kind kind kind that that that that that that that that that that that's kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that can can be that that can be that that that can be that that that that can be that that that that that that can be that that that can be that that can be that that can be that can be that can be that that that that that can be like a special feature. So I'm just going to make a note of it because we've got Dig for Victory to be perfectly Anne Frank. Yeah and who's snork? Who's snork? Yeah, I'm full of ideas. Who's snork? Yeah, well I'm full of ideas I could probably help you on this? Yeah, well I'm full of,

you know when I appeared on Blockbusters? Yeah, well I obviously met with a producer there and I said I got an idea for you. Have we talked about me on block buses but not about my pigeon this game. No go on. And I said to her I said sit down I said I got a great idea and I tried to bill it with me it's the star she said who are you. Steve's Steve's meat rations. She said why are you in it I said I am I am I am the only only can put it off I the the the one I the one I the one I the one I the one I the one I the one I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the game I the game I said I said I said I said I said I said I said I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm you you are I'm you you the the the the the the the they I'm got I'm got I'm got I'm got I'm got I'm got I'm got I'm got I'm got I'm got I'm I'm I'm I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the things I things I things I things I things I things I'm you guys I'm not you guys I'm you guys I'm gonna you I just I mean only can put it off. Yeah. And she said right go on what is it? And at that time I had none of the games. All I had was all I was the title and she went I like it yeah what the games? I don't know. She said oh you just said well stop me there love and just popped a gas mask on and said who am I? She'd gone snork. No no nah, nah, nah, no. No, it's not. Oh, we got an ad break, then we got a classic from Blur. It's five o'clock.

So if you were going to watch that thing that started at 5.2, you'd miss the first five minutes of me. So we're doing well with this's a great idea isn't it? We've got, well we come up with another quick game. Obviously, so far we've got dig for victory to be perfectly Anne Frank and who's snoring? Which is possibly I think the most popular game so far? And also we've come up with a new one, don't we? Puss in jackboots regalia, and you go, and you've got Bernie Winters and Ted Moultson and Judy Cooper going, so you're obviously, by the warm, warm applause, you're much loved. Yes, I am. Oh, sorry, God. Show business, and the audience plan. Obviously, yeah. Well that. Yeah. Good. I don't. I don't. th. And, and you. And, and you. And, and you. And, and you. And, and you. And, and you. And, and you. And, and you. And, and you. And, and you. And, and you go. And, and you go. And, and you go. And, and you go. And, and you go. And, and you go. And you go. And you go. And you go. And you go. And you go. And you go. And you go. And you go. And you go. And you go. And you go. And you go. And you go. And you go. And you go. And you go. And you go. And you. And you. And you. And you. And you. And, and you. And, and you. And, and you. And, and you. And, and you. And, and you. And, you. And, the. And, the. And, the, the, the, the, the, the the the the the the the the the go. And you go. And you go. And you go. And you go, and you go, and you go, and you go, and you go, and you go, and you go, and you go. And business? In the audience clap. Obviously, yeah.

Right up. Yeah, I don't know. You're doing the Nazi accent very well. You an actress? Yes, that's correct. Yeah. It'd be great, wouldn't it? Could you salute in, please?

Yeah. Very nice. Just a little quick thing. I thought a little nut to salute. Yeah, a little quick. And what's that? That's called, that's called, um, pussing jackboots. Pussing jackboots. Yeah, lovely. I thought of a quick one. It's called, um, get the hell out of Hiroshima. Right, it's against the clock. Anyway, there time for the game show everyone's talking about. Make Javais laugh.

Yeah, we've had an entry here this week, all right, and what it is, let me explain the rules. Somebody sent in a picture, Javais, right? I'm going to show it to you now, and if you laugh. I'm laughing already though. Are you? Yeah, because I'm the answer. All right, okay. Straighten yourself right. Now you've not seen this picture. It's be so disappointing if it's not funny. There's nothing worse than that, you know what I mean? I know.

Okay. Okay. Well, theyrown. . . the. music? Are we? All right, you know, we're busy man, we got things to do. We've got to entertain ourselves. Yeah, yeah. But all I'd say is, what is there in this show anyway for anybody else? Good point. At least we get a laugh? Yeah, what would it say? The other thing. The other The other thing thi th th th th th th th th th thi thi thi thi thing thing thing thi thing thing thi thing thing thing thing thi thi thing thing thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi things things thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi wea thi thi. We got wea wea wea wea wea wea things wea things things things thing things things things things thing thing thing things things things things things things things things things things things things things things to to to to to to to thi to to to thi to do to thi to the other, the Ricky Geras is chucalometer? The chaklometer? Yeah, this

is up to 10 CDs. Right, oh really? Yeah. Oh, okay. Because that first one we did. Yeah, that was the, that was up the number 10 wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Right here comes the picture the picture the internet picture. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. It's. Okay. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's up. It's. It's up. It's up. It's up. It's up. It's up. It's up. It's up. It's up. It's up. It's up. It's up. It's up. It's up. It's up. It's up. It's up. It's up. It's up. It picture now, Givais. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, has he done that? No. Now listen, what do, let's play a record, Javais, and I will... I just think something. Don't explain it. We can explain it. No, don't, don't, please. Right, no. Um, when I was, uh, about six. thirty. that. thirty. that. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. I that. I that. I that. I that. that. I that. I that. I that. I that. I that. I that. I that. I that. I that. I that. I that. I that. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I th. I th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I. I. th. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I can explain it. We can explain it! No, don't, don't, please. Right, no. When I was about 16, my nephew got mumps and all the men in my family who really were it. And I soon found out why. You know, obviously, if you get mumps when you're an adult and you haven't had it before, you go sterile, or it can cause sterility. Really? Yeah. Yeah. And I was about 16 and this worried me and I went to my mom and I said, have I had months? She went, you've had one mump?

Now I don't know what mumps are or is, but I'm pretty sure you can't have a mump. Or I think she meant that one side in the face swallowed up. That a gobb stop her, it was. But what is a mump? Or what are the mumps? I mean, it's a viral infection, isn't it? I don't want to embarrass myself. I don't want to be right. I don't know, can you have like a number of mumps or one big, one big mump. What if you had one big mump back for a while? It was like, you're mump-backed for a while and just walk around.

You mump back. Yeah, you're mump-backed, but yeah. Apparently I had one month. So I could probably, probably one of them went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went went to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to probably one of them. Just one of them went a bit sterile. Can you, so you, you can become sterile if you have the mumps when you're an adult? Apparently, yeah. Can you, I mean does that, for instance, does that, it doesn't cause, um, I mean say for instance an adult had the mumps, right? And then he sort of had sex and then he gave birth birth for a child. Yeah. That can't cause any other problems. It can't cause deformity or anything. It's just, no, because it's just my dad had the mumps.

When? I don't know. I don't know. We should get our facts right really. If there's a doctor out there, I mean, can't months? Can't it do it? I have stories about, mumps aren't fun. No, I'm not saying it.

I mean, well, they can say maybe, maybe you've had mumps and now you're sterile. That could be a, was that mumps aren't fun? Yeah. That's like go to work on an egg. Yeah, who seemed that I was an argument with someone who said it was that William G. Stuart bloke who... No, it was Fay Weldon. No it wasn't it was Salman Rushdy. It was. It was. It wasn't. No, maybe it wasn't. It was Faye Weldon. Right. It was either. That bloat that wrote a year in Provence or whatever it was called. Right. O7.5802. No, tho. It was either. It was either. It was either. that. That blo. That blo. That blo. That blo. That blo. That blo. That blo. That was that. That blo. That was that. That was that. That was that. That blo. That was that. That blo. That was that. That blo. That blo. That was that. That blo. That blo. That was that. That was that. That was that. That was that. That was that. That was that. That was that. That was that. That was that. That was that. That was that. That was that. That was that. That. It was that. It was that. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was, it was, it was. It was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was. It was, it was, it was. It was year in Provence fella is that I mean what his name was I don't know I was said one five eight thousand it was the year in provost you know that fully

wrote that book uniform everyone thought it was great no as in Peter something right and he I think he definitely wrote that he got it so much do you I think to come up with the you know the fat will you know the fat I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th the th the the th th the the th I th I the th I th I th th th th th. the th. the th. the the th. the. I the the the. the. He the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the th. the th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. theee. theeeeeeean. theeeeeo. theeee. thee. thee. the. the. the the. was the egg thing. But I would say as well that that fellow that wrote Yer and Provence he also came up with the you know the Fat Willie cartoon series. What a hilarious series of books they are. Not fat Willie is it? It's called Fat Willie. What's the one where you come from? Wasn't it wasn't? What's the one where's Wally? Where's Wally? Where's Wally? Where's Wally? Where's W W W W W W W W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-Wi? That's that's that's that's W-Wi? That's wi? That's wi? That's W-Wi? That's wi? That's? That's? That's? That's? That's? That's? That's? That's wi? That's wi? That's wi? That's wi? That's wi? That's wi? That's wi? That's wi? That's wi? That's wi? That's wi? That's wi? That's wi? That's wi? That's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th? W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W.I? W. W. W.'t. Oh, well there you go. Well, Peter Mail is the name of the bloke who wrote you in Provence, thanks to Neil. And also Neil says that Salmon Rush did naughty but nice for the cake commercial. Now I still don't know who did go to work on an egg.

I think it was Fay Weldon. No, it was Peter from the to work. So you reckon it works? Absolutely. Absolutely. I've got it. And you very rarely, Jerry from Ballam, you very rarely go sterile from mumps, but it is a viral infection. Yeah. It's such an informal issue. It's such an informal issue. Yeah. It's like a public service. It really is, isn't it? And we treat things sort of sensibly and maturely and we give out, you know, the correct information. I'll be honest with it. It's safe for kids the kids their their their their their their th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thirty, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Very, th. Very, the. Very, to. Very, the. Very, to. to. Very, the. Very, the. Very, thr. Very, thr. Very, thr. Very, the. Very, th. Very, you know, the correct information. I'll be honest with it. It's safe for kids to listen to, isn't it? Well, I'm imagining if you're in the, I mean, this happens to us all the time, you know, you're in the pub and someone will say, well, you know, is mum's a problem? Is it going to cause infatility?

And you know, is to work on an egg? They went, no, Peter Mail or Faye Weldon, we're not sure. Possibly Salmon Rushdy. No, it definitely wasn't Salmon Rusty. That's quite incredible though to go from writing, naughty but nice, about cakes to live in a hole for the rest of your life. I used to write when I was at school. Oh yeah. Now I didn't watch sort of kids' the k adult ones. I mean I tive tive tive tod TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV the the the th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I was th. I'm. I'm. I'm th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was their their their. I was their. I was their. I was their. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I. I'm. I. I. I. I. I., I mean, I TV on the tele, from 12 midday through to like midnight. And I'd watch all the police series, police story, Charlie's Angels, Steve Austin. And teen nightrider, yeah. And I started, I wrote this essay at schools and I just couldn't stop and I started serializing it. And every time I just kept writing, I was sort of like, you know, people were reading it at the school.

And it was about a cop, a New York cop, it was as hard as, you know what I mean? And I worked out what his name was. Now I just thought, God, this is how television influences me because it was one word name which is a surname that was the title of the book title of the series and that's what all his friends called him white to you right it was called Jezuk Jezuk yeah jezuk yeah that they had a dessert and a jr and a jezzuk yeah it sounds so close to like Pillock or Jesse or Nantes? No, Nons, there's no Nons. Well, do you know what I mean?

There's between sort of like Pillock and Jism. Damn you, Jezuk! Yeah, you're off the case. Give me a badge. Keep the stinking badge. I don't need a badge this is my law. My God, it's Jezuk. How did he find us? Yeah, it was great, there'd be shootouts and everything. Oh, fantastic.

Let me just ask, was he, did he have perhaps some of a broken marriage? He was hard boiled, he played by his own rules. Yeah, I imagine. Simultaneous with this. He was a bit of a drunkard as well? I had a bit of a drink. No, he didn't drink. No, it was a good looking fella. But he was letting himself go, he was a bit hard bitten. Yeah. And the other thing I was sort of sort of simultaneously, it was more of a novel.

I was actually writing a novel and I got like three exercise books, right? It was about this kid, right? God. Right? He saw his parents just brutally murdered for no reason by a gang of outlaws, yeah? And he buried his father and he knelt down on the grave and he said, looked up and he goes, as God is my witness, I will avenge thee. And then he's not and went to the store and he got loads of bullets and he practiced and he was the fastest gun he was in about 16. His name was Jody Barnes. Jody Barnes was alright, yeah, kind of nice. That's nice.

Have you still got any of those those postbooks? I hope not. That would be incredible. Because the teachers used to sort of like, yeah it's good. I must have passed around the, seriously, if you brought one of those in and let them out, that'd be, wait, I'd be entranced. Seriously, that'd be great. Can you, do your mom- The roundings of a twisted 14-year-old brain that only ever watched ITV cop shows? Do you think your mom might still have some copies of Jezuk? No. No. It's like, Jezuk, like, was their, was, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the, the, the, the, th, th, that, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'd, I, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd. I'd. I'd. I'd. I'd. I'd. I'd. I'd. I'd. I, I, I'd. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd. I'd. I'd be. I'd be. I'd be. I'd be. I'd be. I'd be. I'd be. I'd be. I'd be. I'd be. I'd be. I'd be, I'd be, I'd be,, Jesuk in Paris. Um, Jesuk on Safari. Here comes Jezuk.

My moment was, return of Jezok. I liked that, Jezok. He's a proper man. Yeah. It's not like you. But, mum, I invented Jezuk. You're a Nazi. You couldn't be like Jezak.

He's in my mind. of Jezok, here comes Jezik, son of Jezok. Oh, it's fantastic. What if Jezok met Jody Barnes, they'd get on? They'd have no quarrels. They could team up. Oh, I'd be fantastic. After break, a little bit of Lars. Team Jezuk. Still here, then? Javise, um, you've embarrassed yourself. Just shut your ugly gob, you bog, the gneemic fish face tosser. Nice to have you back. Five past four on a Sunday, Ricka Javais, XFM, 104.9, London's only alternative. Steve. Yeah. You know we gave away those CDs. Hey, we could

great giveaways. Just good radio, isn't it? We've got CDs to give away. Tickets and that's good radio. Do you remember who won them? What last week? Yeah. Well, no. Right. I've got I get them back. Right. I've got to get the library? Yeah. I got to get them back. 017-580 2000. If you won those CDs, could you give us a call? Well, why should they bother? They're probably busy listening to them. Do you know what I mean?

You can't give something away and then. Yeah, I need big time. We've had a bill for the computer th, th, the computer, the computer, the computer, the computer, the computer, th, the computer, th, th, thuuuiii, thui, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, than, th, th. thi, that, that, th. th. tho, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I. If. If. If. If, if, if, if, if, if. If. If. If. If. If. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tha, tha, tha, tha, tho, tho, tho. C. tho. C. tho. tho. C. tho. thoan, tho. C. C. tho. C. tho. C. tho. tho. tha. gotthe getting back. We've had a bill for the computer as well. That's mine. No, it's not yours. It is mine. I procured that. That is mine now. That is technically that counts as ownership. Listen, Javais, it's not yours. I've told you this before. I've explained this to you a hundred times. What? All right? If you urinate on something, yeah. It is not yours. It does. In the cat's mode. That is what cats do. They go around, the territory, that's theirs, they urinate on it. That computer's mine. If a cat. Y'orinates on something, right? Yeah, in its cat philosophy, it owns that. I sort of, what's it called it, a sort of territory thing. What's the difference? You're not a cat! You're not a cat!

That's discrimination. No, you're not a cat, you can't live life by cat rules. Well, I've got loads of stuff like that. My flat's full of stuff that I've got like that. Yeah, I've got he was getting out money. Right. Didn't the film. Uh, side of a church? That's yours. Yeah.

Um, two BMWs. Well, I had two. I've got one now. What happened? The second one, the owner caught me, and he started doing the same. And because I started first, I finished last so it was technically his again. Is that how it works? Yeah. If I piss on something then that's mine. Yeah. But if someone else pisses on it then they're they're serious. Yeah. Is that how it works? Could you say urinate? This is XFM 104. they are my shoes? They're not. They're not my shoes now. They're not my shoes jav- Yeah and they're mine now. They're not I can't believe. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. It's on th. It's on th. It's on th th th th th th th th th is th is th is th is th is th is th is on th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is on it's on it's on it's on it's on it. Is on. Is the the the thi the thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi. thi. th anymore. Why? Just I can't believe you. They're my shoes now. That is how that is ownership. That counts. In the cat world. It's my shoes now and some of the

carpet is mine as well. In the cat world? Yeah, wow. You cannot live your knife by the rules of the cat. I can. I can. What does what does your what? What does this? What? What? What does your what? What? What? What? the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. the. the. Is the. Is the. Is the. What is the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. Is? Is the. the. the. the. the. Is? is? is? is? Is? Is? Is? Is. Is? is? is? is? Is. Is? is? Is? Is? Is is is is is is is is is is is is is is? Is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is? Is is? Is is is? Is is is? Is is? Is the. Is the. Is the. Is the. Is the. Is the. Is the. Is the. Is the. What is? What is? What is? the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the do that. X of them before 9 quarter past. How do you, I mean how do these sort of little theories of yours develop? What, they come in my head? Then they're alright, then I like them and they happen. Then they're mine. No, yeah, it's fine. Yeah, what do other people make of the fair?

They go along with it. What are your friend? Yeah, and all my special friends and the friends that I make. Does she mind that your flat looks like an East End lock-up and stinks of urine? No. She don't have a problem with that? No. The sinuses are gone now. Completely gone. Her sinuses are gone. The charlie? The Charlie? Yeah. I thought as much. Well, I know what you rock and rollers get up to gerating Gerrace in your spare time. Oh dear. It's beautiful to see you again though because we thought you would, I'm looking good. We thought you'd be gone forever.

Why? But you're back? It's beautiful to see you. No, I didn't expect, it's like my life. I didn't expect to be this long so anything is a bonus. Yeah. Any plans for today's show? Got some more records than that and some absolute drivel. Right? Yeah. Fact into two hours. So no different. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. It's going well. Yeah. I've got a little competition.

Yeah. I've got a little competition. Yeah. Which I'll maybe introduce after the competition. Yeah. I've got a little competition. Yeah. the the the the the the the the the the that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I. I'. I'. I'. I'. I'. I'. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. Yeah. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'. I'. I'. I'. I'. I'. I'. I'. I'. I'. I'. I'. I'. I'. I'. I'. I'. I'. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the? Is it? I'm not doing that one again. All right, I've got a different competition. Keep calling the Samaritans, please, that we don't do that sort of thing, sir. Please. Or else? Can't threaten the Samaritans. Why do you like that song so much? Because they're singing about you being an ugly tosser, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, th, th, th, th and, th and, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the, thi, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, hate to kick people when they're down. No, you don't, you like it and you like people twitching when they've been badly hurt.

But I, for the second, I don't know how this came about, but I started to consider the songs of Carter, the African sex machine. I don't know why, someone was playing one in my house and we were flipping the the record the lyric sheets. Fruit bat. Now I don't know when I was in the sixth form everybody when I was in the six form tubes everybody had a card to USM t-t-shirt. Yeah, yeah. And I imagine you probably said. At the end of the eight is early night is so all events officers A&R men. What are you doing about that time? You'd have been walked. That was when you were claiming benefit while still working. Yeah, yeah. You've had the wheelchair and everything. Yeah, the tart and blanket. Nice. Fantastic. And I, because I, you see everybody had a car at USM t-t-t-shirt. I didn't have one. Because I didn't, do you know whatir human packs, weren't they?

They just asterizing you, go, oh dear. Those start, right? I'm just looking through the lyric sheet. This is from the album 1992 of the Love Album, right by Carter. Yeah, come on. Just give you a taste of some of the lyrics, which we thought were so profound in 1990 or whatever. I never did. This is from the track look muck, mun't, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, like, the, the, the, like, like, like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, the, oh, oh, the, oh, oh, the, the, oh, the, oh, the, the, the,that many of the titles of their songs are appalling. There's obviously, my favorite, possibly the worst, is the road to Domestos. That is the worst name for song I've ever heard. Oh, bless them. Anyway, take this lyric out. This is one of the first lyrics.

Go on. He flies through the air with the greatest of ofies ofies ofies ofies the the the the of of the their their their their songs their songs their songs their their songs their. This is one of the lyrics. Go on. Go on. He flies through the air with the greatest of ease, that daring young man in the blue dungarees. What the hell is that mean? Is that supposed to be profound? Oh, God. She flies like a bird in the sky eye.

That ugly old tart with a styner eye. This is, this is quite a nice one. This is clever, this is bloody clever. Go on, what they've done, what's fruit back done here? Go on. If we club together with all the diamonds we've saved, hey, I'll say, club, diamond, that's so fun. Oh, no, wait, wait. Go on. If we club together together together together together together to ccle to ccle to ccle to ccle to c club to clu cl cl cl cl cl cl cl cl cl clu. If we cluved, together together together together together together together, together, together, together, tho. thoom. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. This. th. wait, oh come on. If we club together with all the diamonds we've saved, yeah, we could look to our hearts and say,

I'm the one's hearts is a suit in the secret. Oh, go on, clubs, diamonds, hearts. We could look to all our hearts and say, we've got it in spades. What's that mean? Hold on, what does that weird, but what does that sentence mean? If we club together with all the diamonds we've saved, you can look to our hearts and say we've got it in spades. I don't know what that means. I'm no idea, but that's the kind of brilliant.

So they do what they did there. They got all those things in incredible. Let me see, there's a good one here. Here we are. I've been G-B-H-D-H for a packet of B-H. I've been taken and I've been driven away. My telephone is always ringing and my number is Triple X directory. Oh. Call 0898, treble three, Talk Dirty to me. That is some of the worst lyrics Jovey, surely that you've ever heard. Unless you know different. 1171, 5802,000. I've been thinking some of my own as well. The worst lyrics you've ever come across. Oh, there's going to be arguments. 0171, 5802, or you can fact us, oh, 1, 7, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0,000. And think, and think, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, the. Oh, the. the. th. th. th. th. Oh, and, and, th. Oh,, enemy and they ask from these pop stars, what's the worst song of all time? And they go, the birdie song.

Or, no it's not. It's something by Carter or Swade or David Bowie, because they're in that framework. They're potentially, you know, do you know what I mean? Don't go for, um,, yes sorry boy, there's nothing worth living for, but it really ain't worth dying for, so just say three hailed Jesus and Mary chains. Early in the morning I put breakfast at your table. Make sure that your coffee is sugar and cream. Your eggs are over easy. It's sort of like a breakfast

song. I can't remember because I'm not your superwoman. Doon, dune, dune. Yeah. I've never heard this. There's one great bit as well. He goes, um, now you say your juice is sour. It used to be so sweet. And I can help her to wonder if you're talking about me. Isn't that great? Oh, sorry, look, this juice is a bit sour. It used to be sweet. Oh, fine, I'll change it. No, no. No. No. That means pain. This juice, yeah, it's sour. It used to be sweet. Well, it's thought we've always had. No, no, no, you you you you you you you. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. And I th. And I th. And I th. And I th. And I th. And I. And I. And I. And I. And I. And I. And I. And I. And I. And I. And I. And I. And I. And I. And I. And I. And I. And I. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. thi. th. thi. th. th. th. thi. th. th. thi. thi's thought we've always had, no, no, no, you're not listening. You're not listening. I think you're an ugly pig, I want to leave you.

So I mean, you know, he didn't state it. Your eggs are over easy. Oh, who's that by? No, I didn't ever hear you. I didn't have a to hear it up. the woman, do, oh one seven one, five, eight, oh, two, I just thought of another one as well. So, do you know with John White? I ain't missing you at all. Missing you since you've been gone away.

And he's worried about people I think that he's really not missing there. So, towards the end, he goes, I can lie to me to myself. Oh, he was lying all along then wasn't he? Oh I've got any more car lyrics. Well I'm still wading through it on Gervais and it's just making me quite low so I'll try and dig out a few more for the next time in a chair. But I would say that Emma of course who helps us out here she's mentioned track what was it Emma what was yours? It was? Why in C. I've worse. Oh God, yeah, well Emma would say that one. And Emma's was, you can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal. You can get yourself clean, you have a good meal.

Well, I don't have a problem with it, you see, because I just think it's a wonderful thing. You know, the YMCA doesn't get enough publicity, and the village people's, and to, and the people, and the village, and the village, and the village, and the village, and the village people, and the village people, and the village people, and the serious? Are you serious? I mean, who thinks, hmm, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, people have done the police force, you know, they've done it. Hold on, wait, wait, wait a minute, wait a minute, this is very good to this. But I think you mean this, you don PR thing for the YMCA, I imagine. It's like the one that in the Navy, in the Navy. In the Navy, you don't mean the other sort of PR thing for the Navy? It's just bizarre.

When they were dressed up as sailors and stuff. Yeah, well, whatever. Whereas usually they're sort of a construction worker with a the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their their. their. their. their. their. their their their th. their th. their. their. th. their their their their their their their. their. In their. In their. In their. In their. In their. In their. In their. In their. In their. In their. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In.................................................................................................. Yeah, yeah. Traffic cop, yeah. Trompers. And what, I don't, I'm worried about the Red Indie chief. Am I supposed to be reading between the lines or something? Well, I don't understand, I mean I don't really understand, I mean this seriously. Okay, right. This is fine, what was it? Obviously there were gay connotations. It's like a gay icon record, isn't it? YMCA, in the Navy. That was the point of it. What did you need? One of them dressed as Judy Garland? What, I don't understand, what was your problem with that? What, what? But there's another, I don't understand why that suggests that people are gay? It doesn't necessarily. It's like it's a high camp, isn't it? It's been adopted since as well. But the four of them, there's a guy

dressed as a motorcycle cop, there's no reason why that you should be gay. There's no reason, why anyone should be gay? There's a builder? Yeah, right? So no builders are gay. There's another one, I can't also the other one is. And then there's a red Indian. Why I know if the red Indian is supposed to be an iconic. I don't I've no idea. I'm flummoxed on that one, I'll be honest. But what I'm saying to you, Gervais, is if you're going to use, if you can talk about gay people, then why don't they use the cliches? Why isn't they're hairdresser? Right. Because it's probably the sort of cliches that even seen, even the same same same same same same thages, even thages, even their, even thages, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, if thi, if thi, if their, if thi, if their, if to to to to to to to to to to thi, if you, if you're to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to me, if, if, if, if, if, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you to to to to to to to to to thue, if you, if you, if you their, if you their, if you're their, if you're their, if you're the real homosexual people who live normal lives. If I'm going to write a song about gay people, I'm going to have a hairdresser. Yeah, you are.

In order to appeal to a gay community, I'd have a hairdresser, John Inman, Larry Grayson, obviously. And I don't know. Well, you wouldn't have Jason Donovan then obviously. Because he's not. So you wouldn't have him would you? No I wouldn't have Jason Donovan. Well I wouldn't have Philips Schofel. I wouldn't have Andy Peters. Right. I wouldn't have Andy Peters. I'm getting scared. I would not have Andy Peters. I would not have Andy Peters! I would not have Andy Pea! I would not have Andy Pea! I. It's just one big knees up, a night on the town,

a storm in a teacup, more like a teacup in a storm. Yeah. Yeah. I've twisted it. All right. Yeah. Ian Canfield, you know, he's 12 now. He does the rock show. He called and that, I'm not your superwoman, it was Cameron White. And he also says a worst lyric in YMCA is Young Man, there's no need to feel down. There's another carter lyric for you. The tequila sun is rising. Ah, listen to me, the tequila sun is rising and the Harvey's Bristol moon is shining because they've got Harvey's you know shine on Harvey's moon yeah and somehow Harvey's Bristol moon is shining I have no idea it's got to be something about

pulling your trousers down in a coach it's just rubbish and also you know quick space I played that and you said, oh why is that your favourite? And I got annoyed because you've got no taste and shouldn't even question me. And I said it's about you being an ugly tosser. Well Nina from the band, it was around at Jan's, said no, it's not about him being ugly. And the worst of it's from the Beatles. You should see her in drag, you know poly poly poly poly poly, or what, or what, or what, or what, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, that, that, that, that, that, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it's, and it's, and it, that, and it's, and it's, and it's, and it's, and it's, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is that's, is that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. And, that's that's that's just just just, that's that's that's just, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's lyric is from the Beatles. You should see her in drag in a polythene bag. What's that from then? I don't know, Polythine Pem or whatever it's called.

Could be? Yeah, could well be. All right, then the worst Beatles lyrics will have those as well. There's a lot of them to suitful. They're good. No, I'm not disin' the Beatles. I'm just saying they're you you you you you you you you you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you they they they they they they they they they they, you they, you they, you they, you're they they they they they they they they they they, they, they they they they they they they they they they they they they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they they, they they they they they they they they they're they're th don't tho, tho, tho, tho, tho tho thoan, they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're the songs you've written. Do you understand me? You're not in a position to disrespect anybody. I don't. I'm talking about people on the tube, all right, that can barely speak, all right, that just they're going to, like a cassoe, as a guy near my tube, just so he just got a cashew and he just taps his foot, right? thing and then try to sell lighters to you by being a because you can't even disrespect him for his musical ability. Of course

you're laughing about him now if that was female it would be a whole different story wouldn't it? Well you know you've got to take it where you can get it. You'd have a lot of lighters every day with hey you'd be struggling down that road with loads of little clippers I'd say you know I'd say you know I there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their to their to to to to their their to to to th. I th. I to th. I'd to to to to to their c. I their c. I their cli. I'd liked I'd liked I'd liked I'd liked I'd liked I'd liked I'd liked I'd to to to to to their clippers their th. th. th. I'd th. I'd th. I'd th. I'd th. I'd th. I'd th. I'd thi thi's the. I'd too' tell tell tell tell the. I'm tell the. I'm the. I'm the. I'd the. I'd the. I'd the and I'd have her in here for a quick session. Well we better do a competition now. Okay yeah well we've got these two is it two pairs of pulp tickets? So you just no idea of you? I've no idea. You just want to in you we've got there and there. Oh can I do this bit man you don't know what you're doing do it? Well never stop. to. I wasn't going to mention it. No. All right, you do it. Go on then, I'll sit over here. I'm out the way.

Okay, how many tickets have we got ever? One pair. That's two to you, Steve. To see who? Pulp? When? When? When?

Yeah, About nine. About nine. And what have people got to do to win tickets? Yeah, now you're stumped. What? You suggest I should plan this show? Yes. Yes. Why? All right, now listen, I think we should just give people an added reason to phoneing with

their worst lyrics ever. They can win this pair of pulp tickets. Yeah. And then if we get bored with that say about 10 minutes time we'll come up with another reason. If it would take 10 minutes for us to get bored. I'll be surprised if we actually bother. Yeah. Got an ad break and then I've got, at least I've got a pulp song lined up. Before you do that, I wish you tell them what the competition is shouldn't we? I just did. What was the competition the competition the competition the competition the competition the competition the competition the competition the competition the competition competition competition competition competition the competition competition competition competition competition competition competition competition competition the competition competition. The competition. The competition. the competition. I wasn't listening. I really, I wasn't listening. I really did turn off when you talk. Emma, what was the competition? I'm not sure if I want listening.

01715802, any idea what the competition was? What was the competition?