The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Xfm S0E9 (June 7, 1998)

Episode Date: September 2, 2022

Gervais and Merchant first worked together in radio on the London-based alternative radio station Xfm London. Their show was broadcast from January to August 1998 from 4–6pm on Sundays, and only featured Gervais and Merchant (before their collaboration on The Office). The show's original format was more interactive, with features, guests, phone-ins, and audience interaction through listeners' letters.

I'm with the Gervais, coming up on today's show, Radiohead, Polk, Oasis, Blur, Nirvana, Jesus and Mary, Chane, Puff Daddy, Smith, Faith No More, for Cure, and that, cooking off of this little D. Mock Turtles, can you dig it? Mock Turtles, can you dig it on XFM, the thin, I'm Ricky Jvay's with me, Steve. Do you remember that one that one that one that one that one?? that one. that one, that one. that one. that one. It that one. It that one. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's a that, that's a that, that's a that. that, that. that. that. 104.9, I'm Ricky Javais with me, Steve. Do you remember that one? It's a classic, Jvaise. Lovely, isn't it? I used to play that when I used to run a mobile disco.

There's nothing wrong with that. Did you really? That's a great way to get into radio? Yeah. You run yourself a mobileunes and see you and go. Yeah, with the bloke. Normally the feather. The human. Yeah, anyway, well current today's show as I said we got all the greatest tits of uh... The greatest tits? Now you say that there's be no swearing on today's show. There's a lot, there's gonna be none at all. No profanity or filth or anything like that on today's show. There was too much last week and it's gotta be stopped, seriously. What the boss was it? Is he really nobling you?

No, high authority than him. Really? Yeah, the radio authority? No, I'n't say, the reason is. the reason is because, because it, because, because, because, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, the, the, the, the, the, the, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and. And, and. And, and. And, and. And, and. And, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to. and I phoned her in the week and she launched straight into it. I was, well listen, listen to this. You taped your mom? Yeah, listen. Yeah, happy birthday. Oh, do you know you don't have to go far on your radio, don't you? What? What? Your language, my son? Well, ass and piss and C-B-T with a... I don't say it, yeah no, it's all bleeps out, it's all electronically cleaned up. Yeah, I know. You take it steady. I didn't bring you up that way. Yeah, well

I got it from you. You used to F and C all over the place and I was there. No, I didn't. I didn't. He used to come in with a bottle of gin in one hand and the cigar in the other. You're lying, did. Yeah, no. From a bingo, right? You used to come in with a vicar. Yeah. Nicky's Sherry, he's coming, effing and blinding.

You know, I'm five years old. You lying to you. You lying in to correct you in Toad? How old are you? 73? 73. And I used to correct you in every way you spoke. Yeah. You didn't learn a lot. You got the real old Barksha accent.

Well, yeah, I wonder where that came from. And that other bloke, tell him your handle is Ricky. Why, what's the matter? And it's not your vase, it's your baze. So correct him when he's on the radio. Yeah. Your handle is Ricky. Yeah. Do you want to give him a message because I'm taping this? Oh, you ain't.

Yeah. He said, do you want to give me a message because I'm taping. Faith no more, from out of nowhere, on XFM 104.9. Well. Yeah. Yeah. Pathetic. What? Javet? Javet?

My momman sister's gott to be Ricky Jave. You don't want to get on the wrong side of her. Don't call me Jave. You don't want to wind her up. You want to that nonsense about Handel? Your Handle is Ricky Javei. What, what she's talking about? She was into CB, wasn't she? What?

Yeah. She was a lot younger then. She was about 60. When it was at his peak. And she used to go around, you know, she used to sort of style. I don't know what she was talking about. She was to have a gang. Oh your mom? Yeah, yeah, used to have, they called the Backyardies. They used to come out and, you know,

me in the garden, doing a bit of gardening and talk about crazy paving. Hey, help me with that rockery, Lil, Chill. That was a little chill. Yeah, help me with name was Lil. And she, you know, she married Mr. Chill. So she was Lil Chill. Yeah, honestly, you don't want to wind her up. We've got an ad break, then Radiohead, and then the second half of the call, it gets, you know why I'm scared of her after this. Excerpt. Excerpt. Yeah, I was funny, right. I don't know whether I have or not. Gary Crowley, he's a DJ. Oh.

You better say yes you are because he's going to listen to this. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think of him? Not bad. Plooh. But listen, we've taken to all your last three weeks. I'm just going to send her to Larry today. Good. You go careful. You don't go careful. You don't go. You don't go. You don't go. You don't go. You don't go. You don't go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to have to have too'erf. the the the theirf. tooomkow'erkow'erkow'a'erkow'erkow'er. tooomkow'er. tooomkowa'er. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tha'erf. the tha'er-a'er-a'er-a'er-a'er-a'er-a'er-a'er-a'erjo'erjo'erjo'erjo'erjo'erjo'erjo'erjo'erjo'er. tha'er. tha'er. tha'erto Larry today. Yeah. For him to ear. Good. You go careful, you don't go near the bone. I bet you can't work. You don't believe I'm going to play this, do

you? Not if there's any swearing on there, you better not. Well, you wouldn't swear, would you? No. I never taught you to swear anyway. I used to correct you and everything you said and done. Even to the teeth in the water. You never and the teas in the butter. You've never had water? No. Unless it's mixed in with beer? Remember when you taught me to do the dustbens blow when you hold one nostril and blow it all out the others?

You filthy animals. That's you taught me that. I did not. He used to come in and used to, if I was naughty, used to gobb at me. Ian, I'll talking filthy. You know I couldn't do that, because things like that makes me sick anyway. Yeah, you might not. I can't wait to play this on Sunday. No, and I won't wait to get up there and get you.

Do you decide, say, Ricky Jervais is my son on XFM. Riky Javais is my son on XFM. 104. Yeah. That's it. That's a noise barks your accent. Yeah. Right, okay, then. Don't tell everybody.they all want to join in. Yeah, alright then, well I'll, um, right? 73. And you go careful what you're saying.

All right, then. Right. See you later. So no swearing, Steve, yeah. . I can't believe you're scared of my mom. And you said I was drinking last night on the show last time, I wasn't. No, you might not have been drinking, you were smoking. Oh, she knows I don't smoke.

Well, no, she knows you don't smoke cigarettes. Don't. You don't know her, Steve. Hey, and what about the, does she know about the steroids? Hey, I mean, how do you explain that physique? thee, avais, that's no swearing on the Ricky Javais, I mean, that's our bread and butter. Yeah, I mean, butter, it is, there's two teas in butter. It just seems to me, Javais, that you're compromising the show. I wouldn't compromise the show just my mum's listening.

There's Kelly Rogers. Brand Van 3,000 on XFM 104.9. Beautiful, Givais. Are there any reasons, Givais, for people to stay tuned, Javay, I should say? Leave it? Any reasons for... You don't know her? Well, any reasons, Jave, for people to stay tuned to the show? What, apart from Jesus and Mary Chain, puffed, the Smiths, thethe cure still to come what oasis blur incredible two pairs of Jesus and Mary chain tickets to give away really and five pairs of wristbands for embrace embrace embrace wristbands yeah yeah I'm a minute I'm like marriage myself yeah they get you get you into the gig don't they get you like a ticket but you can't

forge it you can't tho copy a ticket fast but you can't forge it. You can't photocopy a ticket. That's incredible. I mean, a wristband. Well, it's beautiful. Jvets, we're gabbling. Javais, I've also got a great gag for you. Seems like we have a gag every week now. I've got a great to that. Plus, I've come up with a perfect murder. Perfect murder, Javay's later, J J J J Jva. you're on. It's great. Old people are great. I'm not going to lie to you. Yeah. But I was just thinking because she reminds me a lot of my grandmother. My grandmother and my grandfather.

I went to see them fairly recently. It's beautiful. And I go on there and my granddad says to my grandmother things like, you know, um, turn the heat in down Joan. Would you switch off the tele? the name's Joan. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their name's their name's their name's their name's their name's their name's their name's their name's their name's their name's their name's their name's their name. their. their name's. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Um, but her name's Irene. You're joking. Yeah. You're joking. Her name's Irene. Oh no. Well, sorry. But he's not. But he's not. He's not. the thing. He's thin. He's. the name's Irene, right? I asked why, he thi. thrown. the name is Irene. I asked why. the name. he he said why. he he he he he he he he he he he he th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. th. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I the. I the. I the. the. the. the. the. the. thi. the. the. the. thi. the. the. the you. No, it's actually true. He's not seen all right. He calls her, he calls her Joan, right? Because when they first met, he asked her, what's your name? And she went, Joan. Her name's Irene, she said, Joan. I said, why did you give him...

The plot vickens? Why did you give him, why did you give him a false name? sure. You can never be too careful. That's as much as she's told me. Ridiculous. What did she think she was going to achieve by giving him a false name? She didn't tell him, right, that her real name was Irene until eight days before they got married. Incredible. That is fantastic. I don't know. They're they're West Country, right? They should have known that they. They're presumably weren't they? Yeah. Don't start, Jave. After the break, Jesus and Mary Chain. And those tickets to give away. Or the tickets to give away. P.J. Harvey and Victory on XFM. 104. Before that, it was Black. Andthe Royal Festival Hall. We've also got five pairs of wristbands for embrace. Well I'll say about that, Javez. Yeah, let me do it. Oh, let me do something. Let me do something. You do it see then. You can take the

mix Javais, all right? At least I'm not scared of my mum. That's because she's your sister as well. Javeys, this evening thee, thee, the the th, th, the th, as th, as the th, as the th, as th, as th, as their, as their, as thi, as their, as their, as their, as their, as the their, thin, thianianianiann, thrown, as well, as well, thianiann, th is, th is, th is, thranteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteanteante, as well, as well, as well, as th. As th. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. Jibibibibé. Jibé, th. Javie, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t. Jé, t. Jé, tha right, HMV music shop, embrace there. They're going to be there. They're going to be there. As opposed to the sandwich. The sandwich can you say. All right, yeah, all right. Okay. Go on.

Anyway, it's about 11 o'... They could have just been there, it's quite feasible. They were just there buying records or something. So it's embraced that pop band, they're going to be doing some music. No, they could have been there buying record for our calendars. Are you doing all right? Anything. It should be. they should be fairly straightforward. this. All I've got to do is read it. How hard can't. How how how how how how how how how how how how how can it. How can it. How can it. How can it. How can it. How can it. to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they. they. they. They. They's. they. They's. They. It. It's. It's. they. It's. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they're they're they're they're going. they're going. they're going. they're going. they're going. they're going. they're going. they're going. they're going. they're going. they're going. It's. It's. It we can't even pull this off. I'm fine. You try and read it. Go on. Anyway, Embrace are going to be there. I don't know the facts. Maybe they aren't playing music.

They might just be, I don't know. They could be doing pottery. Really? They can't be bringing to some stuff between 8 and 10 tonight. Shut up, let me finish. Go on then, have a go. Embrace, there's something going on at HMV later on, all right, in Oxford Street, it features Embrace, there, it's two with their album or whatever, whatever it is, it starts about 11 o'clock, all right? We've got wrist is, all right, we're going to do the competition in a minute to win these wristbands, okay? You understand? This is good radio. Super slick, Chivez. Yeah. You got the wristbands and everything, right,

but the thing is before your phone in a minute, in a minute, when the competition's launched in a minute, right? Not now. Yeah. It's going well. to XFM all right this evening between 8 and 10 to have the wristbands attached to you all right you understand and if you're going with a guest they have to come with you I was moving on to that okay it was just that I wanted to get on before July oh really I think that's enough for now yeah I know it's one thing that I mean we're a rubbish right but the most important thing is the thi they know what they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the their their their their their the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the theFM 104.9 so that on every idlers they know what they're listening to so if someone just tuning into the radio and it's oh what's this I like this XFM 104.9 good I'll listen tomorrow as well it's Bread and Butter that is fundamental. Oh yeah

you know Laurie that is textbook DJing XFM 104. Exactly Lorry Hallet, is it Hallibur or Haddock? I don't know what. The bloat who does the review show after us. I'm not sure he's a fictional. He comes in, he slags the staff, he runs about the mess and everything. This was his first link last week. Listen to this. This is Lori Halle. I thought that was good so I'll play it too. Very good evening to you, it's Laurie Hallett with X-FM's X-rated Review Show on 104. I'll stop me there, Laurie.

Rick and Steve out of the building, they've gone. They've finished. 104.7? Do you think he's not enlightened? Do you think he's not enlightened? He's a little bit embarrassed. And some people even like make, you know, some stations do like whole jingles, musical jingles, so it helps you remember it. Like, um, 95.3, capital F.M. So you can't forget it. Yeah.

So what I mean? Yeah. We should do that. Definitely. theyf. It's just so simple. Yeah. 95.12.

Capital F. M. 12 capital FN Scope Do you, do you, do you, do you, That's all Bobby, Bobby, Scope, song for Bobby on XFM, 104.9, just gone 5 o'clock. It's about time for a perfect murder. Jemez, everybody knows somebody they want to kill. Yeah, all right. Everybody's thought about that. Can I just say, we're not actually saying that's a good thing. Well, no, no, we're no, no, we're not they want to kill. All right? Everybody's thought about that. I just say we're not actually saying that's a good thing.

Well, no, no, we're not advocating murder, but we're saying that it is something that crosses people's minds. And you know, if you are tempted to murder, why not? you get it right. Why not get it right. for real life, perhaps the reason you haven't committed murder yourself. This could be the reason you don't commit murder, is that you know, what am I going to do with the murder weapon? That's the stumbling block, you see, if there's a murder weapon, you see, you know, the murder weapon, you know, you can normally sort of trace, you know, the murder, you know, the murder, you know, theyrific. That's is, you're that's, you're that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, the, the, that's a st. That's a st. That's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a st. That's a st. That's a st. That's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the. It's so simple. I can't believe other people have a thought of it. What you do is say the person you want to murder, right, lives in the street opposite,

all right, lives in the house opposite, right? What you do is you rent a room opposite theirs, all right? You wait until one day arrow, an ice arrow, all right, with a very sharp point, all right? Then you get yourself a bow, all right? And you fire that ice arrow, okay, across the street, through the window, into the heart of the person you want to murder, right, killing them instantly, all right? They stumble, they fall to the ground,then the ice arrow melts, Javais, murder weapon, it's gone. Gone into thin air, the wet patch dries, all right? The police arrive, they can't find the murder weapon,

safe. This bow, is this made of ice? Well, the bow, the bow, see, all that is a bit of wooden string. Right. That could be anybody's bow. Yeah, but then if you bludgeon just with a hammer, it could be anyone's hammer. Nevertheless, the fingerprints possibly will still be on the bow. But the ice arrow is just, it's melting. Oh, yeah. Right. So what they do is they're probably find you wandering around with a bow, yeah. Look at this bloc if you didn't you the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. th. It's th th th th th th th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's themem. It's them. It's them. It could them. It could their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's thi. It's the. It could the. It could be the. It could the. It could the. It could thoooooooooooooooooooom. It could could theke you didn't like. Yeah. They'll have motive because you presumably didn't like them. I didn't. Then there's a little hole in his heart with some water. No, it's dried. It's dried out, is it?

Water's dried. Oh, so that's why it makes it the perfect murder. Because the ice has melted and dried. Brilliant. That is brilliant. Okay. It's incredible. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. the. that. that's. that's. the. that's. the. that's. that's. the. that's. that's. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the little. the little. the little. the little. the little. the little. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's a. It's a. It's a. It's a. It's a. It's a. It's a. It's a. It's incredible. There's not basically there's not one hole in that plan. No. So do you have to conveniently find somewhere that you know that's got a flat to let opposite him as well? Well, how hell? That is the perfect murder. Right. Okay. Oh yeah. Presumably you've only got one ice arrow. Just one. You only need one. So you've been practicing presumably with like other arrows sort of to get your shot just right just as he walks in front of the window you can release this this

fatal arrow of ice. Are you are you mocking my plan? No it's good. Are you mocking that? And this is Mud Honey. We'll talk about this after. Night of the Hornage by Mudhoney on XFM 104. What is it? Nine. Yeah, it's nine. One to four point nine. Yeah. Where do you make the ice arrow? What you do you can do that in your living room or your kitchen? So you get, what do you do? Do you have a mold? You can do that for it. You can do that in that that that that that that that that that that that you that that you that you that you that you that you that you that you that you can do you that in that in that in that in that in that in th you can do you can do you can do you can do you can do you can do you can do you can do you can do you can do you can do you can do you can do you can do you can do you can do you can do you can do you can do you can do you can do you can't do you can't do you can't do you that in that in that in that in that in that in that in that in that in that in their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their their. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. thi. th. thi. th you just chip away a big block of ice takes you get that for him? Well you just you can buy big blocks of ice I expect.

Yeah, okay. I'll be honest I'm being a bit sarcastic I think that it's the stupid idea. It would never work. You're an idiot. Oh 171 5802,000. Can we have some proper perfect murders please? 0175 you're perfect murders or they could faxx. they just. they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they can they they they they can't. Well. they they they they can't they they they they they can't. they they can't they can't they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their. I. Yeah. I they th. I th. I th. I can't to took took took to took to took try. to to took to took to to to to to to the. I can't the2000 your perfect murders or they could fax us. The perfect fax. Okay. 0171-501234. I think we should give away a pair of those embrace wristbands to the perfect murder. Yeah, the best perfect murder.

I just went out to the fax machine and there was no fax at all but just a puddle of water by it. Suspicious. Yeah, after this break, Oasis. 104.9. Nirvana on a plane, the four of that oasis and some might say. Beautiful. On XFM, 104. I was listening to Capitol the other day. Oh, it's a fantastic station. Great station. You know it plays the hits Capital the other day. Oh, it's a fantastic station. Great station.

You know, it plays the hits from the 70s, 80s and 90s. Well, it did actually play one. It reminds me of a story. Remember last week you were talking about you were bullied at school by Lionel Richie? It was a nightmare. I know, yeah, it was a big bloke. And I was bizarrely bullied. Yeah, but I mean there's another there was I went to school with another mega pop star. He didn't. Yeah, yeah.

What are the odds of that? I know it's amazing. But he wasn't I didn't get into fights if he did bully me but I found in retrospect he was nicking all my ideas. I can't believe it. Yeah. Who was it? It was full Simon? Well Simon he's got a reputation. I'm not surprised. But I mean I wrote this song. this song. this song. this song. this song. this song. this song. this song. this song. this song. this song. this song. this song. this song. this song. this song. this song. the the the song. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I was. I was. surprised. But I mean, I wrote this song when we were in music class and it was called Lots of Ways to Leave a Lover. Sounds familiar. Yeah, well, the one they played the cup was 50 ways to leave your lover. And I'll listen, I'll listen, oh, hold on the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan, you don't need the girls merge, just drop up the key you leave

and sit yourself free. Right? Yeah. Now I had one like, run away, Jose. And tell her you'd like to end the relationship, Philip. But I mean, you can see the pattern. and that was when I had explained she should find a man who really loves her and live with him. Tim. Right? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? He hasn't improved on it? No, has he?

He's probably made it a little bit snappier. I mean my favorite one was just sit her down time I really don't think we should marry Barry you know and he's all he's done he's he's you know put it in a pop format yeah and he sold millions of coffees so I think I'm gonna play him his own game go off your todgia Roger obviously yeah and coffee not Bob coffee dick Rick you know what I mean yeah yeah yeah um slice off your dick Rick. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Um, slice off your willy, Billy. That'd do it. Cut off your John Thomas. John Thomas. Yeah, that works. I don't look. It was like, get off with her mate, Nate. That'd do it. Yeah. French kiss her dad, Brad. Nice, yeah. That might. See someone else. Elsie?

Doesn't work, does it? That really work, but. Telling you a gay ray. Yeah, that might. I wasn't prepared to give Hank any advice. Forget about Hank. This is Ian Canford. It's got four. Your kingdom to dust. Don't like to me, Joveace. Is that who it was that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that. I that. I that's. I that. I that. I that. I that. I else else else else. I that. I else. I that. I that. I that. I that. I that. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I' the. I' the. the. tho. tho. tho. thoooooooooooo'aa'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'ea'ea'ea' It's got four, your kingdom to dust.

Don't like to me, Javais, is that who it was? Yeah, it's got four. Thank God for that. Yeah. Javais, I'm a little bit concerned because we've had an awful big response to our perfect murder appeal. Yeah, you know, normally we say thingthink it's the type of listener that we attract. Yeah, well it worries me slightly.

It's all we've had two, which are exactly the same suggestion. Darren from... That is suspicious. Well, exactly. Darren from Carr Shelton, if that's a real place, I have no idea. And Sarah in Bickley, you've both come up with the idea of buying a leg, all all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, to, to, to, to, to, to, and. I like it already. Yeah, well it's got lamb involved, it's got me exciting. I think, well I think Darren was pork and Sarah was lamb, you know, that's fair enough. Something in that, isn't it? It's got to be something. Anyway, yeah, you freeze your leg of lamb or pork. you, uh, you club, you know, you use it as a club basically, beat someone to death with it. Yeah. And then of thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thin I I I I thin I thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, well, well, well, well, well, th, th, thin, that, th. that, that, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thr. thr. thr-a. thr-I. thr-I. thr-I. thr-I. thr-I. thr-a. thr-I. that's, that's cheekly, and of course, you know, evidence of the murder weapon has disappeared. I like, well yeah, but then there'd be like bones and stuff and evidence cooking.

What I do is then surgically put it back on the sheep. Right, right. Slightly more ambitious that one. I know, but these days, you know. All right we have another one here. Keeping with the the ice the i i i i i i i i the perfect the perfect the perfect the perfect the perfect the perfect the perfect the perfect the perfect the perfect. the perfect. the perfect. the perfect. the perfect. th. the perfect. the perfect. the perfect the perfect the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the th. I, the the evidence, th. I, th. I, the evidence, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the the. thee. Ev. evidence, the thee.e.e. evidence, the the the the the thee. evidence, evidence, the the evidence, evidence, evidence, evidence, evidence, evidence,. Keeping with the ice theme, remember my ice idea. Yeah. The perfect murder would in fact be to freeze the feet of the victim, all right, by placing him in water. The ice having a lower gravity than the water would keep the victim's feet at the top and the head below water level. I'm bored.

Would he be in on this then? I assume this person wants to be murdered and therefore would allow you to put his feet in a fridge for 42 minutes. I'm not sure how that works. But anyway, it ends up with him appearing to have dranged, which brilliant. I mean, I admire that. This is a little bit too technical for me. And all this got to show for his cold feet. Particularly ambitious one from Greg inents Park, all right? You suggest to the person that perhaps you sunbathe for a while, okay, they strip off, you say, yeah, shall I just cover

you in sort of suntan lotion? They say fair enough. You wait for them to fall asleep, then you sprinkle crushed biscuits over their body and wait for squirrels to attack and sort of bite and nibble them to death. A little bit ambitious. Well this would be the well-known biscuit and flesh-eatin squirrel of old Regents Park. So I've had the biscuit I may as well keep going. There's a lovely little layer of ombrace a layer there as well. It's like a little human trifle. It's like a little human trifle. It's perfect. It's a little. It's a little. It's a little. It's a little. It's a a little human trifle. It's perfect. It's a three course meal. For any vampire squirrel, that's brilliant that is, yeah. Well actually I still like that.

I still like Greg's suggestions. I'm going to give Greg a pair of these embrace wristbands if he'd like them. Now, he needs to... They say the proof of the killing this proved possible first. Then we can give him a pair of breasts. So if you find a body and some fat squirrels with blood dripping and some crumbs on their coats, then you can have them, go on and give them to him. Yeah, so Greg, you need to come down between 8 and 10 this evening if you want these tickets, bring along a friend if you want and what's his name will attach some wristbands to you they have to be sort of surgically attached to you apparently yeah anyway perhaps give us another ring and and what's his name can explain it all to you but anyway you're

well done Greg we've got four more pairs to give away have way and I've from it's not as complicated as that right it's the first four people to phone up and say I'll come I'll come I'll come I'm they've got to say one one one one one one come along. 01715802, good luck. I missed it. Sorry about little girl. How's on the beach? She was relaxed. Um, well, you've got a joke to tell us, haven't you? Yeah, Jervais, it seems like every week now we get a little gag in.

It's great, isn't it? It's so sort of capital-like. I think it's very pinkish. Yeah. Was it funny on with that? Is that a verb? To be pink? Yeah. If only his name was pank.

If only his name was pank, I'd have a to finish my song off. Right, come on. Jervais, you might have read it before. Go on. Earlier last night's from Sunfellow. Why are London buses red? Go on. You'd be red if you like to come every 10 minutes. What do you think? It's great. It's not bad to it.

No, it's good. It's a simple little joke. I like it. No, it's good. Just a simple little joke. I like it. Hey? Oh. And babies on XFM 104. 9.9. Jveys this evening Embrace are playing at Oxford Street, uh, HMV in Oxford Street. All right, we've already given away the five pairs of bracelets which will get you into the gig. All right. and the winner is Gervais, Greg Robinson, all right, for his man-eating squirrel murder idea. Yeah. Also, Stephen Turton, Dave Newman, Simon Greenwood,

and Tiru Thirulam. I can't pronounce their name. Anyway, listen to me very carefully. What you need to do is come down here to XFM, which is situated at 97 Charlotte Street just off Tottencourt Road, all right. Look in your 8 o'clock, 97 Charlotte Street, come down here between 8 o'clock and 10 o'clock this evening and Nick who's here, he'll attach the bracelets, he'll attach the bracelets, and he'll attach to you. He'll attach the bracelets, to you'll attach to you.

If you're bringing somebodyace. All right. The staples come out, don't they, offer us? Yes, that's right, yeah. We've also got two pairs of tickets to Jesus and Mary Chain. Jesus and Mary tickets to give away. It's too exciting. I've got a letter here from Tracy Mahoney. L'eyn'lady. sense of humor and tasin music and the thing I really like about Steve is well um I respect him for what he is so two sets of Jesus the Mary chain took is up for grabs 0171580 2000 what is he? Simple as that? What am I? Yeah. This this mocking has got a stop

do they? This is actually for um Tracy, this is Swade and we are the pigs. This has got a stop. At least I'm not scared of my mom!. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This. th. th. th. This th. th. th. th. th th th th th th th th th th the th the the the the th the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he th. So the. So the. So the ty tip. So tip. So tip. So tip. So tip. So the. So the the the the the the the the he stop, do they? This is actually for, um, Tracy. This is Swade and we are the pigs. This has got to stop. At least I'm not scared of my mom. Leave it. Leave it. Cur, close to me on XFM, 104. 9. Jervais, you've got two pairs of tickets to give away, all right, to see the Jesus and Mary chain.

And your. And your. And your. And their. and Mary Chain and your question was what? What are you? What are you? Meaning what am I? Yeah. All right, we've had a response. I can be honest with you. Not all positive. No, it's the same with this. Adam in Ealing, Steve is a lonely man.

Tom and made of ale. Steve is an alien sex fiend. Um, Steve is married to his sister. I'm be honest with you, the blood tests have not proven anything. Chavez. Although you've got very similar gills. Steve is a murdering squirrel from Dan in Camden. Steve is king of the insects. That's true, we all know that.

Yeah. Steve is a love machine. He made that one up. Yeah. Well, pick a couple of winners then. I think the best tip. What are your favorite? The favorite one? Steve is Jesus. I'm not having that.

From Frue in the Holloway Road. And Steve is a Gabby Gitt from David in West. Well, that wins. Obviously that wins. So he wins. Do you want to give, nice response to the head. Is that almost it? It is a little bit. Pretty much it isn't it? You know what I mean? 10-2. Yeah, what else is it? Any other loose ends, Jave? Um, Jave? Oh yeah, when makes the death? What? What? Wank can make your death?

Oh, clever, clever.