The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Xfm S1E15 (March 9, 2002)

Episode Date: September 2, 2022

The show ran between September 2001 and May 2002 before Gervais and Merchant went on hiatus to film the second series of ‘’The Office’’. Initially, Pilkington’s on-air presence was relatively minimal compared to what it would become. Gervais and Merchant only occasionally called for Karl to weigh in with his thoughts, while the two mostly talked to each other, with the “links” between songs comprising only about 30 minutes of the show’s 2-hour run time.As Pilkington’s personality moved to the forefront, the talk portion of the show expanded to roughly an hour per 2-hour broadcast. While the show relied largely upon a stream-of-consciousness format, Pilkington made attempts to keep things more conventional by insisting on running contests and airing pre-recorded segments and regular “features”.

I'm Ricky Javais with me Steve, Merchant, Pilkington. Steve, you got any other toilet related anecdotes. Rickard, Vase with me Steve, Merchant, Philkington. Steve, you got any other toilet-related anecdotes. Rick, my life is just full of toilet trauma. And Carl, you may not realize this, but a while back I used to host, this is bizarre. I used to host a radio radio radio radio radio radio radio radio, right? Now if you want someone who's the voice of integrity, the voice of intelligence, the voice of a nation, you're going to come to me. That's obvious. And I was

broadcasting so now they've got listeners of something like 50, 60 million people in the world, the world, the world. It's mental, I used to host, to to to to to to to to to be, to be, to to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, the their, th. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thi, tho, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. If, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, th.. If, th. If, th. If, th. If, th. If, th. If, th. If, th. If, th. If, th. If, th. If, th. If, th. If, th. If, th. If, th. If, th. I, thooo. I's, th. I's, th. If, thoooooo. If, th. It's, thoo. If, th. If, show with someone. Big plays Steve. The world? Yeah, you're absolutely right. And anyway, so I had to be into Bush House where they broadcast from 10 o'clock every Friday morning to broadcast around the world to 50 million people, right? And one week, I went to the toilet in my house, right? Everyone had left. I got to be there at 10 o'clock broadcast around the world and we got two toilets in our house, downstairs one, right? And the door had already been a bit dodgy, it was one of those doors where you had to give it a bit a bit of a kick because you went in it was getting a bit tie, it was getting a bit tie I don't know what the wood was expanding or something. You occasions when I'm bleary-eyed or something I just I forget or occasionally I forget normally I do check and you've got to bear

mind that it's not like this is happening every week this is over the course of many years that these incidents have accumulated so you've condensed them for the purposes of this anecdote sure yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yes and great you're brilliant keeping the pace up of an anecdote there you've just drawn in I don't know I'm to to to the to to the to the to the to the to the the to the to the to the the the the to the the the the to the the the the the to to the to the to the the the to to the the the the the to to to the the to to to the the the this this this this this this this is this is this is this is this is this is the the th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I'm th I'm th I'm th I'm the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the toy. te. I te. I'm te. I'm just just just just teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. that's the. th an anecdote there, Rick, you've just drawn in, I don't know where I am now. I know where I'm trapped in a toilet with no toilet paper, that's where I am. And I'm thinking maybe I'd peel off some of the wall paper, you know, things like that, but there's nothing I can't get the door open. It's just like it won't come open. And it's already, and I knew it was going to come to this at some point.

And like, this is like, the clock's ticking. I'm trying to pull the door open, two birds with one side. Suddenly it was a beautiful day, Rick. I call it the World B Day. And so, um, so what I'm thinking is, well, I've got my mobile phone in there, because it's in my pocket. I'm thinking, well maybe I got a phone, I was seriously. Cleanx. Maybe I'll phone the fire brigade. By this point I need to just dried. Hold on, was that little puppy not around? Because sometimes you can call that, it's got a little bit wrapped round it. Listen.

Or just use the puppy itself. There's 50 million people around the world going to hear my voice in like 30 minutes. Exactly. Where is Steve? It's not like to love to in a toilet again, is he? Oh no. So I'm thinking about ph know it's going to be the first call that goes straight on the speakerphone for like the entire fire brigade service everywhere. With a butch hero carrying you down over his shoulders with your trousers around your ankles. And I just not pull up, no, you've got to be learned at a total lesson.

Yeah, but I imagine the idea of a friend who's going to be need to know. It's quite small. Is it? Yeah. It's not the toilet, is it? Because we don't want to come up and rescue someone who's trapped in the toilet. No. No. No. No. No.

So, I think I can't answers the phone Yeah, hi it's Steve. All right. What's wrong? What are you doing? All right. Yeah, I'm downstairs in the toilet? Oh, I'm doing? Oh, well, I'm finished one. Have you got any to? Any bog roll? Yeah, so he had to? So he had to kind of scrape together a few bits of paper, you know and sort of tinfall or whatever he could the the he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he th th th thin is thin is th thin is the is thin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, th is tho th is th is th is th. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He th. He th. He th. He th. He th. He th. He th. He th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th's th's th's th's the kind of scrape together a few bits of paper you know and sort of tinfall or whatever he could find in the house a cactus oh no pass it underneath the door right and no I said can you try to the too while I because I don't want you to hear me as I'm you know wiping the and so he didn't say that yeah well I didn't want him to you know what you want him to to say what what what what what what what what what what what what what the the the the the the the the to say I I to say I to say I to say I to say I to say I to say I to say I to say I to say I to say I to say I to to the the the the the to to to say I to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to to the to the to to to the to the to the the the the the the the to the the the the to the to to the the to the the the the the to th th th ttttoy ttoy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy ty. they. they. I they. I they. I the the to, you know, that's embarrassing. What were you white, what were you with, tumble weed? What do you mean? What noise?

I know what he means. Yeah, no, exactly. So, um, so then I say, right, can you smash? Why was he hovering? Why did he want to walk away? Will you keep your head? What was it outside with the glass. He could just see my semi naked body moving around. And so eventually I said to him, look, listen I'm going to need you to sort of kick

the door in. He's going to kick the door in because he even have to pay for it, aren't we? I'll go, yeah? But I got to go to the world service. Well, yeah against the door over to him. It's like he'll snap before the door will. So he's smashing against the swords. This sounds like a fetish to me though. He went in there and there you were naked with lots of toilet paper and you go, oh you've broken the door down and here I am naked. Again. Oh you've rumbled me Rick. I wish've just got to make it slightly more CD. Oh, so did he get it down? He did it, yeah, and I got to the World Service with like minutes to spare. Oh. And interestingly, I told that story to 50 million people around the world. You're joking. Did they understand?

I think so. I mean, is that a bit of a problem when you're on the World Service, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, a bit like when talking to you. Yeah, exactly Carl. I think you're on thin eyes there worrying about people understanding what you're saying. No, but you can't talk about stuff that's on the tele and that because some people say, well we haven't even got a tel you. Oh, yeah. You're listening to direct FM 1 or 4.9. Play a record. Nirvana, all apologies on XFM 104. I'm a wreckage of Vaze obviously with me Steve Merchant Carl Pilkington. Well, Steve, I met up with, I know it's forbidden usually. Let me just explain to the listener.

Me and Steve have got a little bit of a pact. We're not allowed to talk to Carl during the week because he comes out with too much dynamite and we want it to be fresh and it's just unfair. And if he sees this laughing, he clams up a little bit because he knows something's wrong with his head. So I was in a pub and Carl called Julianne it returned a choir, called Julianne and I said, oh I'm just across the road, come over. And he came over and we had a conversation and I kept saying, no, save it and I can't remember half the things he was saying, but I do remember one thing he said, he said that the human eye never grows. He said, unlike your ears and nose that keeps

growing all your life, he says the human eye never grows. Now there's a little bit of, he says no you look at a baby, it's got big eyes. It's got the same size eyes as it will have. When a baby's born everyone always goes, oh look at its eyes because that's like the main feature. They're quite big. They don't grow, they don't get any smaller, they stay the same size. What you mean once you become an adult you've the same size the eyes? No, as you come out of the womb, your eyes, the size they are as a little baby, they stay the same size. So you die. And I said, I pointed out to him, right? I said, if that was true, Steve Merchant when he was a baby with these eyes he's got an hour would have a hammerhead shark. All right, calm down.

You don't want to go lay into the ice. Do you know what I mean? Just to prove my point. I didn't laugh. Good. Respect. Do you know? You know, I've got the eyes of the windows.

I've got the eyes. But you know, but no, it's so beautiful. Maybe we find they're beautiful. Yeah, they're great, yeah, many people do. Um, but I... Do you know they don't have knee caps either? My eyes or? What? Babies? When they're born, they don't get knee caps until they're about two. They don't get knee caps?

Is that thrue? Isn't it like a, isn't it a little bone in, part of the... Well no, but you've got lots more, a lot more bones when you're born than then you're born than 205 when you're an adult. Yeah, they're all fused don't they? The head's got to be all soft to come out. Right. As we said earlier, you know, I would know I'm a shark. I would know I'm a shark. So what did you say when he said about my ice being huge? Okay, cut off it! I said that isn't nice, considering he's not here. I said I wait until his ear when I slag him off. Yeah, no nice one, Carl.

You're an honourable man. Oh, well, there's, I know, is he, the thing is right, that may be a little bit of true, yeah. That's true, really long ears. Yeah. Do they eat buns and walk around in the jungle these old men? You mean that the ears and the nose carry on grow up here? Yeah, they do, that's true. That's true. It's a cart legit. Yeah, but it's not like a pinochia.

No, no,they see that it's about the focal length in your eye you see because it's like a big lens. So it makes sense that they couldn't change that much. Because an owl, do you know why an owl turns its head round? Sort of like 180 degrees? No. Because it can't move its eyes, because the eyes take up the whole of its skull. The eyes take up the whole of its skull.

Really? Yeah, the, because, because, because, because, the, because, the, the, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, the, th, th, the eyes take up the whole of its skull. Really? Yeah, and it has to move it, yeah. Has it got a brain in there as well? It's got a brain in there, yeah, above the eye? Yeah. When I say the whole of the skull, quite, yeah. Yeah, there's also some space for the brain. What I meant it, what I mean, The the two diameters of the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. You didn't like math, did you? Don't like maths. Never understood it. Couldn't get into groups with maths.

Did you do maths, Carl? Now how did you do in your exams on the math? Did you do it? Did you know? Was your, I bet yours was rather like my theory, which is why you need to figure it all out when you've got a calculator? Exactly. Yeah. I knew it. week Carl. Could we do a white van man first? We could do, oh just to, no they've got to know what they're dealing with, yeah. Carl's homework was to read all about as you know, Shay Gavara.

Absolutely. Last week he did well on Rasputin, didn't he? Did very well on Rasputing. Yeah, perhaps with flying marks there. So let's have a bit of Wu Tang, let's the white van Carl. White Van Carl. White Van Carl? Nice. Don't erase none of that good shit. Now I just, uh, Rutan Clown, Nancy. XFM, the thin,

with Steve Merchant and Carl Pilkington. Now I just, uh, Remona, someone else, Carl's in the week. I know it's forbidden to to to him, but I'll tell you this. He was talking, he was very excited about the Friends of the United. He was a bit nervous at first, wasn't he, last week? But he was really getting into it. And in the public he was talking to him about those people, he said,

I'd never go on a reunion to see those two lads with the big heads and the webbed hands? Oh yeah, these were people you went to school with, were they? Well, I didn't knock about with them. They were in the class. What were they called? Ah, freaks. Right. Right. And he said, no, I said, no, I'm, I, I, I, I, I, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they. they. they were. they were. they. they were. their. their. their. they were. they were. they were. they were. they were. they were. they were. they were. they were. they. they were, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, they. they. they were. they were. they were. they were. they were. they. they. they. they. they. they. People. People. they were. People. they were. they were. they were. they were. People. they were. People. they were. People. they wouldn't go anyway, would they? I said, why? He went, well, they didn't have any friends. And I said, well, weren't they friends with each other? And he went, no, that would have been too obvious. Like they faster than went, no. I know it's tempting, but less not.

Everyone would think that's just what we were going to do. Yeah. Yeah. So they didn't even hang around with each other. No. See I must say in my in my head I've got something like it's like a some sort of extra thing from Blake 7 that they're like some sort of you know lagoon monster but they just had slightly oversized heads did they? See does your head grow? Your eyes don't? Because maybe they've got to a point now that it's all sort of caught up with each other. At the time the eyes eyes the eyes the eyes the eyes the eyes the eyes the eyes their eyes their eyes their eyes their eyes their eyes their eyes their eyes their eyes their eyes their eyes their eyes they's all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort they're all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all their eyes eyes eyes eyes their eyes their eyes their eyes are their eyes are their eyes are their eyes are their their their the time the eyes were very small and the head was huge. Just a very big head. I mean the fingers aren't going to change, you know, that's not. They had webbed fingers.

It was like the penguin in Batman. Really? Are you sure? Are you sure they weren't wearing mittens? No, seriously. Yeah, it wasn't home economics. They weren't getting some out of the oven a very hot dish, right they, right they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, th, th, th, they, they, they, they, they, they weren't getting some out of the oven a very hot dish right they every time you saw them but why were there two but they weren't related and they weren't friends I don't know I suppose it's like asthma and that in it some kids have it and it just was a coincidence

yeah that was quite a common thing webbed waved hands yeah I don't know you don't think of it when you're a kid you just sort of when you're There goes the frog man. Anyway, Carl, let's have a little quick session of white van man. Don't listen to the show regularly. The sign is today no, has a section called white van man where a member of the public gets asked their opinions on the week's big political and social hot potatoes. Carl, we just thought it would be fun if you answer some of the questions. It's just your views really on these big news stories. What do you make of Olympic ski hero Alan Baxter testing positive for drugs? What did he do? Well he won a gold medal in the Olympics and he was a skier and he won

gold medal and they've just tested him positive for some kind of illegal drug. But what, I mean if he did, why take drugs to ski? Why why take it? Because all you th? th? they they th? they they they they they they they th? And they they they they th? And th? And they th? And they do it is thi? And thi? And thi? And thi? And thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to the the the? to to the? the. I to an te. I toea? toea? toea? toea? toea? toea? toe. I toe. I to tech drugs to ski? Because all you do is balance. Imagine it would be amazing if you were a stone like going down to here. Yeah it's not like you have to. It's not it's not going to help you. No it's just gravity that's doing all the work and it was skiing. But it's often to do with your athleticism isn't it? No but we've been like saying and we've just found out the toboggan were on crack. It's not going to help him. You sit there and you go with a flap and you try to hold him. Could I say, could I say, the drugs he was taking probably that's his defence car. It probably wasn't jacking up H or you know dropping a few E's or getting stoned. He was probably taking more sort of a performance enhancing drugs as opposed to him just like scoring some shit around the t someone getting off his tits and jumping in a toboggan doesn't

mean that does it? He wasn't yeah he wasn't off his nut yeah yeah you've you've tested you you're pissed out your head but why don't he just say don't be stupid why would I do that it just not gonna help me out but it is isn't it because performance enhancing drugs do. Wait a minute, Steve, wait a minute, Carl, right, look at this way, okay, look at me, yeah, I've got his attention. Yeah, the lights getting off your ring there, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, right, now keep concentrating, right, some athletes, you're aware they take drugs, that's to build up muscle. Swimmers and stuff. Yeah, swimmers, runners. Runners, yeah, not only if they have they have, you to have, you, to to to to help, to to help, to be, to be, to be, to be, their, their, to be, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, you're going, you're going, you. Yeah, you. Yeah, you. Yeah, you. Yeah, you. Yeah, you. Yeah, you. Yeah, you. Yeah, you. Yeah, you. Yeah, you. Yeah, getting, getting, getting. Yeah, go. Yeah, go. Yeah, go. Yeah, go. Yeah, go. Yeah, go. Yeah, go. Yeah, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their, their, their, their,, but they could actually give them a boost performance while they're sort of like steroids and all this sort of stuff like, so that's the sort of thing we're talking about, okay? Right, so again, he wasn't on a bomb before, what?

Why would that help you when you, all you've got to do is balance on skis? Not when you're at and your legs. It's like if you've skied for years then you've got good balance after a bit. Oh you know what you've made a mockery of drug taking. Well done. Right next one Steve. I ate this bit I don't know if you saw it what did you make of posh spices warts and all documentary? Yeah I saw a bit of it. What did you make of it? I mean people are slagging them off? I the the the the the the the the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th they th th th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I mean th. I th. I mean th. I th. I mean th. I mean that' th. I th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You're the. the. the. to to you to to to to to to to to to you to to to to to to to you theea' th saying, you know, she's daft and that, but... That's me, you know? She's... I think they're all right, honestly. You know, she's alright. I mean, I think David's really a decent bloke.

Sure. Um, do you agree that he's quite a simple man? Yeah, but he's a football thi too. Do you know what I mean? I thi? I mean? I mean, I mean, I thi? I thi, I thi, I th thi, I th thi, I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thi. I th. I th. I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I, I, I. I, I, I think. I, I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think, I think, I think. I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I th. I th.the Tudor doesn't help me press these buttons and put the next CD on. No, sure. Do you know what I mean? So, good luck to him and he's done well out of it, and it's just jealousy. I remember though, when I was back in Manchester, was in Piccadilly train station, and he was there and I was so close to going over to him and saying did you go to my school because I recognized his face I didn't know

who he was do you know when they sort of go sure I went to school it's not the one with the big ed but I do recognize him then my girlfriend got off the train and I said I'm sure know him she said yeah it's David Beckham and I was so thank God for your girlfriend does she she she she to get to get to get to get to get to go that she that she that she that she that th that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that that I that I th I th I th I th I th I th I th is thi thi thi thi thi thi the the I thi the I tha tha tha tha that's that's that's that's that's. Okay, what about the fact that the pension crisis is going to force Britons to work into their 70s, Carl? You might have to carry on working into your 70s before we can claim a pension. I think it's a good thing. Because you see a lot of old people who look bored. And I honestly think if you keep your brain busy, you'll live longer.

It's only when you actually shut down, right, that that's when your body sort of dies because it doesn't feel it as a purpose. It's like if you've got flu, keep going to work. If you have a day off, you just feel worse about it at home, doesn't do you any good. What if you say lose a finger? to work? Depends if you can't concentrate because it's painful. But what if you're a typist? You're not going to type as many

words but you'll do more at work than you would having a day off at home. Sure. Okay. Tony Blair turning trendy with his Paul Smith designed naked lady shirt. I don't if you've then then the one with the pictures of naked ladies on the cuffs. And you know, I mean... Okay. And finally... See, this is what annoys me about this feature. It's just, what's that... so what? Yeah, but it's the president, it's the prime minister of this country wearing a trendy shirt with you make of the fact that top of the pops of band Will Young singing both tracks on the number one slot and consequently he wasn't on there at all to show the video? The first time anyone's ever made this demand he wants to sing both the A and B side? Well he can't. It's double A side. That's why what is it? That's not now it works is. Yeah, I agree. And the thing is the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th th th th th th th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi. thi thi thi. thi. thi. he he he he he he the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the the. the an the an the an ty toge. ty toge. ty toge. the. the. the. the. the. the thing is, which one, I mean at the end of day, loads of people have bought it I mean, and it like one of the best, so it

doesn't really matter what it does because people have got it, they can listen to what song they want at home. It doesn't matter about what so the pop's do. And it's just annoyed me now. It's just annoyed me now. It's just what people are trying to. the the the the the the to. to to to to to to to do. to to to to to to to to to the the to be. to be. the the to be just, to be just, their their their their their th. th. thi. thi. thi. th. th. their th. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. the the th. It's, it's, the the the the the th. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's th. It's better being in my little world. If that's what people are talking about on the streets and asking the white van man, do you know what I mean? I think you're right, Carl. I think you're right. Jeez. Do you like a lovely song for you because you're getting all stressed now, aren't you? I've not had a good day. No, I know, we'll tell you about it. It's not have a good beautiful and this is for Carl. Athlete, West Side, I still like that one. It's a good track. Yeah, I was worried that it's a bit of novelty. It would go off very quickly, but it's good.

No, it's not bad at all. On XFM, 104.9, I'm looking to make it with me, novelty would go off very quickly, but it's good. No, it's not bad at all. On XFM 104.9, I'm looking to advise with me, Steve, Mr. and Carl Pilkington, Steve. Well, we were talking about the news just now, and there was a story I heard in the week. I think it was on the radio and I don't know all the details, but what I heard was thuers was was that a that a thusea that a thusea that a number was I think suing or complaining to the government because they want the compensation for post-traumatic stress disorder. Now I don't know all the ins and outs of it but it seems to me that if you're in the army and you're a soldier a certain degree of trauma is kind of inevitable. I mean after all if you're any good at your job you are going to see people getting killed so I don't understand what the inter-active are. I don't know why. No, right. He's already going back and totally man that and I go, all right?

Well not really, no. Go on, what's the matter? If there was people shooting at us and everything that was all muddy and everything that was all muddy, well come down. Well, I'll look. There was a drill s' sgillill. His the the the drill, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he, he, he, he's not, he's not, he's not, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He. He. He. He, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no clean it again. The boots that was shiny. Well he's got to do that, it's more disciplined. His neck was as big as his head. Well yeah, but you don't know what the internotes are but. But what is it? What you got to do is make sure you know what you're going into. That's what I do. You got to check the golfs are I'd put my own will will it be horrible I got you at the back yes will it will be horrible yes it will be horrible they will be hoabl they will be shooting and lots of death and I go right I'm not gonna go okay then

that should be fine yeah just like that does anyone else scared about this pretty much all of us okay then what we won't send anyone my brother my brother went into the army right because he couldn't get a normal job this this this th th th th the the the the th the th the the th th th the th th th th th th th th their th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the that that the the the the the th th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the to the to to to to the to to the to to the the to the the the the the to the the the the the the the 't send anyone. My brother went into the army right because um because he couldn't get a normal job and my dad said you know if you don't get a job I such a day that's it so you're going in the army. When was the Falklands was it about 81 right and he joined back in like 81 and he joined back in like 81 or something and uh I don't know he was an older shot or something oh yeah and he wrote back to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the to the to the the to the the the to the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th's an older shot or something. Oh yeah. And he wrote back to my mom saying you know a bad time to join bad time in this so she wrote. What bad to join that so sweet car isn't it? That's like dear dad.

Yeah well done. I don't know if you've noticed. Yeah I was on the doll that's for sure. Thank you for joining a month before the Belgrano anyway go on my mom called up spoke to the shot sergeant and said can you leave him out of this one can you leave him out of this one what the Falkland War he's only just joined and she called him Chuck which he got done for like she's one of them I think I think it's a northern thing like say now are you Chuck yeah and she the serge the serge the serge the serge the serge the serge the serge the serge the serge the serge the serge the serge the serge the serge the serge the serge the serge the serge the serge the serge the serge the serge the serge the serge the serge the serge the serge the sergeant the sergeant the sergeant the sergeant the sergeant he the sergeant said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he's he said he's he's he's he's he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he's he he he he's he's he's he's he's he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he's he said he said he said he said he's he said he said he's he's he said he's think it's a northern thing like saying, how are you Chuck? And she called the sergeant Chuck and he, the sergeant said to my brother, your mom, you know, she's called up and asked if you can not go. Which, of course, you know, I mean, we'll see how it goes.

What, what does it mean? Why did the sergeant even entertain this? Well, Pilkinton come here? Your mom's been giumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumum's been thin' thiiiiiuuuu. thii. You's been thi. You's been thi. You's been thi. thi. thi. thi. thin' thin' thin' thin' th i' thi's thi. thin' thin' thin' thin' their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. th. th. th. I th. I th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I's th. I'm th. I's th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm their. I'm. Your mom's been giving me a bit of earache. Now listen, tell her I've told you, but can you call her because she was really, she called me Chuck and everything. Can you call her and say you don't mind? Oh, please, say you want to go. No, please say you want to go. Why was he entertaining the sergeant? I don't know, maybe they do that. So what happened did he didn't go in the end? So he didn't go now. You can't do it? I love it that. I love it that. Oh, we went over the top. Pilton. I've got a note. Yeah. Is this really your mom, yeah. Okay. this. this. the the th. So, th. So, the the th. So, th. So, the the th. So, they. So, they. So, they. So, they. So, they. So, they. So, the they. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, what. So, what. So, what. So, what. So, what. So, what. So, what. So, what. So, what. So, what. So, what. So, what. So, what. So, what. So, what. So, what. So, what. So, what. So, what. So not want to go into the army, I don't want to go in

fight and it's crossed out and it's good, mum says don't go, you did write this yourself. No, no, my mum wrote this. Okay, definitely wrote this yourself. You're going to have to fill envelopes. I'm sure if he was needed to to go but I think they made a bit of a special effort and they sort of But where are the other soldiers going around just going, Wharr? Wilkinton. No, he ended up being a mechanic in there, and he got kicked out for, going for a packet of fags in a tank. What?

Now wait a minute, wait a minute. Do you mean he nipped down the shops in a tank? Yeah. I don't believe that car. Oh, Mr. God, that, and he went off with the sergeant's wife. So that didn't help and he ended up getting kicked out. Sorry, your brother's a genius. I love this, I love this. First of all, he gets a call from his mom, go and let him up and he goes,

then he goes, uh, where is, where's Pilkinton? His mom's on the phone. Where is he? He's near your house sergeant, near my house, well why is... No reason. Well when he comes back, when he's finished, tell him his mum called. And can he get me a packet of ads? Tell him to walk this time. This is ludicrous. So the sergeant phoned out that he was sleeping with his wife? Yeah, I don't know. Did your mom phone out and say let him off? Let him off. Let him go for much time. Can he... yeah, yeah. That's fantastic. But he misses it. I mean I haven't seen him for about 11 years. But ever since he came out he just kept getting into trouble in that.

And the army, you know, people slag it off. But I think if you're a certain their beds. It's really weird. It's like back then he was like a proper adult and he had a house and he collected crystal with his wife and that. And now he hasn't got any of that. Has he got the wife? No. Has he got the crystal? Don't think he has. I don't think he has. I don't know whether to hug him or shoot him him out of his misery. Can we take Carl to the, phoning if you think I should take Carl to the vet and have him put down? Because it's just too stressful. I'ds, main offender, XpA1-4.

Wow, it's that time in the show where I test Carl on his homework. Yeah, for the week, history, the re-education of Carl Pilkington. As you know, we found out last week that he'd taken one GCSE and he'd got an E and it was history. Do you know Steve I haven't told you this? Went shopping on Sunday, buy some new jeans. I was in a shop, saw an old lad who hadn't seen for about two and a half years, I went, you're all right, mate, how are you doing? First thing you said, sorry to hear about your exam results. Oh God! Had he listened to the show or someone who just told you? Yeah, he was on a train listening to it on a way to a football match or something. He knew that you were on the show that he was a regularly listening. First thing he said, sorry about your exam results. Haven't people have been coming up to you did take it pretty badly for a 29 year old man. Just a bit of a shock

because it annoyed me that. It wasn't a shock. You knew you hadn't got any. No, I thought I'd have got a bit more than that. I wasn't expecting, you know. But you didn't even think you took history so that must have been a bonus. Yeah, that's what my girlfriend said. Yeah. Didn't say something quite philosophical which was like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that's. that's. that's that's that's that's that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. the. that. the. that. the. that's. that's the. that's that's that's the. that's that's that's this morning. Yeah, she said yesterday you know you didn't have anything but today. Exactly. Yeah. Anyway, okay then well you were tested on Shegavara. Right, Carl. We should just, hang on, we should just remind people what happened.

This is a little series, I've got a lot of these little books right. two and a half inches long by about you know two inches wide those tiny little things you see in the sort of on the front counter of Waterstones or Smith and it's a the life and time is a series of all the great all the great in history last week you read about Russ But hewurt's a lot of us and the the book I'm but okay Shaqav Shagavara? Just, just now you learn to pronounce it, right? And how do you remember? You told me in the week, I even remember what his name was? Shea is like Shake and his surname is like guitar. Right. Chivara. Okay. But anyway, right. That's what you know and I'll right. First of all, his name isn't really Shea. Right? It was something else and Shea means Buddy in wherever he's from Argentina.

Right, that's right, isn't it? Yeah, yep. Right, so anyway, he was born and he was, uh... By the way, Carl's not reading this from a book now. This is all out of his own head. This is not pre-planned notes. No, this is... This is... I mean, I know it sounds written, but he's just ripping on this. Right. Here we go.

He was born. He had bad asthma as a kid. Right. they didn't have cars and that's what they're blaming asthma on these days, the bad build-up of traffic and that. Well, they did have cars, Carl. Not as many as the idiot have now. So that was something I picked up earlier in the story. His dad, his dad was into, he was into, he was into, you know, he was into news and that and keeping up to date on what's going on in the world. So that sort of rubbed off on him.

He went to school, he was doing stuff on medicine. Yeah. He wanted to be a doctor or he thought he did. Anyway, he learned really quick. He did like six months working about three months, so he could have some time off. So so to the time, so the time, so their, their, to to to to their, their, their, their, their, to, too, their, their, their, their, too, their, their, their, their, their, too, to bea, their, their, to, to, to, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. Hea, tho, tho, too, too, tooomeree.e.e.e.a.a.a, tooomorrow, too, tooomorrow, too, together, together, thoomorrow, th have some time off school or something. So he took that time off and went to travel South America with his mate on a motorbike. Yeah. And he saw all this bad going on in the world and he thought oh this is bad this. You know I could do something here I could change this make it a nicer place to live. So he said what I'm gonna do to do thrown a gang. that sort the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. I I I th. I'm th. I'm to th. I'm to to to thi. I'm to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I their. I their. I their. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm tre. I'm tre. I'm. I'm. I'm. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So, try. So. So, try. So, try. So, t. So, said what I'm going to do is join a gang that sort of is against the

government. Yeah, right. Am I alright so far? Yeah, you're doing very well. Right. And the woman who he met who was like running this gang is a woman called Ilder who he later married. And Ilder introduced him to Castro, right? It was like the head cheese of a gang who wanted to change things. And so she said like this is, this is, this is a, I think his real name was Engelbert or something like that. What? Ernesto? Ernesto?

She said this is Ernesto. He does medicine, should have him in our sort of army, so when there's injuries and that, he can make people better. So he says, yeah, all right then. So he joined the gang and they went like, went to sort of, I'm chopping it down a bit. Oh, no, no, no, no. This isn't what, sure, sure. You're, you know, you're condensed it's not in real time no so anyway so they go feels like it so this is why I just wanted so I you to ask me question well listen let me cut to the chase then so obviously he made his name as part of the Cuban Revolution yeah yeah do you know what date that was about about no I don't okay and obviously so he was a big involvement in that

well what what country was he was a big involvement in that. In which country was he caught? It was caught in Bolivia. Yeah. How did he die? He executed him. Yeah. He shot him. And his last words before he died, right, the guy's there with the gun.

And he wasn't scared. He wasn't like crying or anything. He said to the bloke with the gun and he wasn't scared he didn't he wasn't like crying or anything he said to the bloke with the gun he said go on shoot me be a man yeah and they shot him and did did it tell you what happened to him after that his dead body no but so he's almost tell me about this the other night she said there's more to it than that they stuck it in a in a glass coffin yes there well no no no no no no no no no no no no they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they the they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they took took took took took took to took they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they that they stuck it in a in a glass coffin. Yes there but before that they cut off his hands and his feet and sent him to the... No no no because they and they buried in different places and then they buried the body I think they may have sent the hands to chat it to Fidel but they they buried they they buried they but they they buried in a non-marked because if they did find out that's their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their they they they they they they they they they they to start to start to start to start they they they to start to start their to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their tree. te te and te te teat teat teat te and teat te and te and te and te and they they they no one knew where he was buried so it just meant that he was even more of a like any way because if they did find out that's more places people can go and sort of grieve do you know I mean if you got all these different

graves what with different parts of his body well you've got a foot over there and it's like well you know oh god his head over there he's head over there he over he got he he's he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he t t t tc he tc he tc tc he tc te te te te te te he he he he he he A lot better bloke than Rasputt, I can understand why he gets one of those little books. Well worth knowing about, and good bloat. Good bloat, did a lot, you know. Crams a lot into his short life. Yeah. But, yeah, interesting bloat. But, just on the subject of Shea Gavauer, Steve called me up in the week because he was going through the duty log. We love the complaints on the BBC Duty Log and someone had written in because one of the blue Peter presenters was wearing a Shagavara t-shirt and what did the bloke say? And what the bloke say? Yeah this is a series of people can phone in and complain to the BBC. Why would you complain about wearing? Well the best, I mean the best, the, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, the, because, because, because, the, because, the, because, the, because, the, the, because, the, because, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, one, the, the, one, the, the, the, the, the, the the the the the the the the the the the, the, the, the, the, the, the best one I mean there's been some amazing complaints. Oh there's some great ones. My favourite one that wasn't a complaint but was actually just someone had to phone in was

what an excellent addition of Kilroy this morning. Yeah, but it's like that. It's things like Esther was superb woman called. Woman called. There was a brilliant one I remember once which which was Robbie Williams was wearing a Nike t-shirt on top of the pops last night. Product placement on the BBC. It's just all things that up. Yeah. But anyway, this is one phone call, there was a presenter on Blue Peter, she was wearing a t-shirt with Chaglvirus face on it. And someone had written in and said, or someone had phoned in and said, very worried to phone up with that information, Carl? Who knows what they're going to say about this show? Yeah, I mean you've been championing the work of Comedy's Revolution. Luckily, luckily no one listening to this show can either write or operate a phone.

So I think we're pretty safe. So thumbs up for Shagabawa. Well done to Carl there. No I thought it was even. I the thah thah thi thi thi tho tho tho thi tho thi thi th Carl there. Yeah, no I thought it was even brilliant. But the thing is, you keep saying to us, you don't understand why history is interesting and yet you're clearly interested by that. You remember that information. Do I've got another, I've got a few in the series. Can I give you your next week's homework? Go on. There there go. Read it out. the life in times of Hitler. 1889 to 191414141414141414. the th 14. to 19. th. to 19. th. to 19. th. th. th. th. th. to. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho. tho. th. th. to tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to. th. to. to. tha. to. the. thea. the the the the tea. the toda. the. tooooooooooooooooooo. to. to. times of Hitler? 1889 to 1945. Yeah, do you know much about him? What's the significance of that last date? Why did he, what was the thing was that last date, Carl?

Why do you think he died in 1945? End of the War? Yeah. Which I'm interested in. So this, yeah. This will have stuff about Anderson Shelter but just check if there's a special Anderson Shelted Chapter. I'll look forward to this. It'll be interesting. Powdered Egg is page 4. Excellent. We're going to play a hip-hop. Yeah, it's time for a hip-hop. Hooray. People are absolutely in love with this feature Rick as you well know and I know you're somewhat jealous of it. This week I know that Outcast are currently on the playlist, aren't they with their new single Whole of the World?

Is that what the whole world? Anyway, this is a track from the big compilation, Outcast. It's just a sort of compilation of all their greatest hits. And this is a good one, it's called Rosa Park. Uh-huh. In their greatest hits album that's outcast and a track called Rosa Park. Like it, like it. Yeah, enjoy it. Now we've just had a call from someone impressed by Carl and Carl's very pleased because this

guy has actually done a PhD on Che Guevara. So in theory, whatever subject he chose, in theory, he's probably one of the experts in the world on this particular field, in theory, he's probably one of the experts in the world on this particular field. Now, hello, are you there? Yeah, I'm here. Hello, what what's your name? My name's David. David. Now where did you do your PhD? At UCL? Mild, Mild, My old college. And what was the actual title of the PhD? It And what did you think of Carl's performance? I thought it did really, really well. The only thing I'd never had those last words before. So, so Carl, actually knows something you don't know. Yeah, possibly. Although you presumably not take that as verified information, you probably wouldn't take everything Carl said as gospel. You probably look at

up yourself, would you probably have a look. Did you know about baby's eyes? Sorry? Did you know that baby's eyes don't grow? I didn't know that. You see, that's why you shouldn't take things Carl says as gospel. Because it come out with something, you know, vaguely intelligent and then say, did you know about baby's eyes don't grow. Any questions that you'd want to test Carl on? Any thoughts anything he missed there on the history of Chvara? I think he did really well and I think he should be congratulated. What's it? Because Carl has problems with understanding why people are interested in history and even though he's been reading these books, you keep saying, why is anyone care about history? Why is it important? What would you say to Carl? I think he should maybe then look at who Chagavar did influence who the people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people He influenced people today. Well he knows that he influenced Citizen Smith and he knows that if McDonald's ever wanted to swap Ronald McDonald for Shagavar, it would cost him an awful lot of money.

So he is trying to apply it to the modern world. He is having a go. Well maybe you should think like why Rage and Schenie have him on the t-shirts. Good point, Carl. Why do you think that, why do you they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they have one in the t-shirts, Carl? I don't know, maybe that was a design of the t-shirt, maybe they wanted another t-shirt. Maybe they wanted Ronald McDonald. But didn't have any in, and they said, oh, we'll have that one there. Well, thanks very much, Dave. Do you think Carl Pilkington, imagine that.

Cheers Dave. I'm having an MA in Carl Pilkinton. Thanks very much, Dave. Bye. Cheers, bye. That's good. My teachers, that encouraged you in that way. Really? But you never showed up.

Yeah, they're actually but Mrs. Matthews, my head teacher. Oh, let's not lay into Matthews again. Not, not Mattie Matthews, not Grimble Matty Matthews, we used to call it. I'd never be a high flyer. If she could see you now. What she said? She'd never be a high flyer. She said that to my mom and dad. Really, that was after I'd play the drums in little Donkey. She clearly didn't know what she was talking about. With the pitch of salt.

R.E.M. with Orange Clash and XFM. 104.9. Well, and he threw only 20 minutes to go. I'm Ricky Javais with me Steve and Carl. Carl. What did you point to me then? Just haven't reminded me. Go on. Orange crush. So you know we were talking the other night about contraceptives. No, you said to me, I've got to do lots of own work. You look up how they used to use elephantan't, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, the the the the the the, or, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the the the the the the the the the the their, their.a, their.a, their.a, their.a, their.a, their. their. their. their. the, orange days how they used to use elephant dung as a contraceptive.

And I went what? And he went, no look at, oh you make some give me those things. I said, I don't know, was it they put, when you're running around with dung on the end of your knob, no woman really wants to go near? Is that how it worked? And you went, come tho' and you've just written a PhD.... to, to, to, to, to, th... th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. their, th. th. th. th. th. to, to, their, to, their, th. th. their, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look. And, look. And, look. And, look. And, look. And, look. And, look. And, look, look. And, look. And, look, look, look, look, they. And, they. And, they. And, they. And, they. And, they. And, come, they. And, they. Andung as a contraceptive, please get in touch. I can't give the number in a minute. It's not elephant, it was crocodile. Oh, why? But, um, yeah, orange crush. Sorry, no, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, back.

What do you mean? It was crocodile dang? How do thing about crocodile stuff using it, and I came up with another one saying that they used to use a lemon, sort of shaped, right, and the, um, put it on, and the citri, is it, the and the citric acid citric acid in it kill the sperm right so they would sorry they would wear the lemon on the end of the knob was that it worked it's not true anything Carl mate

yeah yeah the ladies like that could it be anything could it be like a melon cumquat yeah maybe in my case. What's those hairy ones? Yeah. Anyway, it just reminded me when orange crush. Well, thanks very much for that, Carl. It's a, I didn't even ask him to. No, no, no, no, no.

So orange crush reminded you of the lemon contraceptive. Okay. Johnny good. You could use it as a tha as a 't you? It could be like a novel-e lemon squeezer. You just stand in the kitchen and then when someone was just coming on and go, whi-wrecking, right, right, on the end of your... Did you make this lemonade yourself? You said it? It tastes funny. It tastes funny.

Oh, okay. Yeah. with mountains. Is that a concern for you do you think? No. Not a problem for you? Well not if they're small and humble I wouldn't. That's what I'm hoping, that's what fingers crossed. If they were small and humble, then I'd pretty much not confuse it with mountains. Thank God, but I mean if they were large and sort of pendulous. And with like quite rocky with snow on the then I'd go hold on love. I was into this but now exactly I feel like I'm alone Carl do you know what we're talking about who's the who has who has done that I have a clue I da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da one

more time see my breasts are small and humble so you don't confuse them with mountains Shakira it's a lyric taking the nation by storm It's quite a nice song. It's got another... It's very much like, it sounds a bit like men at work down under. Yeah, it's got the panpipes. Is this, uh, what's its kid? Who? Um, thus. Um, theylau-englaseus.

No, it's Shakira. Consequently, it's a big Latin star, thian, them. Okay, she's a big Latin star apparently, big Latin American star and anyway just sing it again for us. See I'm maybe I saw small and humble so you don't confuse them with mountains which is a concern. It was always a concern. Definitely. She's a number of times she's woken up and there's been a fat bloat with a beard and a little a little Sherpa she goes what are you doing and they're they're trying to climb the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to they. She. She. She. She. She. She's th. She's th. She's they're they're they're they're they're they're they're the. She's they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're th. I I I I I I the. I the. I'm try. I'm try. I'm try. I'm try. I'm try. I'm try. I'm try. I'm try. I'm the. I'm they're they're they're they're they're we're just trying to climb this map. Look again! Oh, sorry, love. It's your tits. We thought we were in tits. I can't leave it. Well, can we camp on my tits for the night?

No. Well, why are you climbing them? Well, I just got confused. Well, they're small and humble. Were you're mental. back and forth you know when you sort of you go to a cat and it looks back and forth between two people that's very much like Carl's looking at us now or when like a child sees a midget or something in the street they're just transfixed aren't they and their parents don't stare when we

were pushing in them as a producer in a wheelchair and we were pushing him through the VC he's not a little midget. He's not tall. But we were pushing him through the VC and this little kid just came up and just stood in front of him and locked it in. They just laughed. It was funny. Do you do that? I imagine you get caught staring at me? Yeah, do you go out to people with problems and go, mommy is thatthis story? Well, um... Your father was a taxi driver. My dad, he had loads of jobs. Which he did back then, they don't do that anymore, do they people? They don't see the loads of stuff.

But at one point, he had a black cab and I used to go with him, used to get like a beer crate and put it in the front of the black cab. Yeah, sort sort sort, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th th th th th th th th th that, that, th that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th that, that, th that, that, th that, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th th, th th th th th th that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, they that, they that, that, they that, that, that, that, the meter. And anyway we got this call and like the guy on the end of the radio said oh you've got your son with you aren't you? So he said yeah so it's just like you know we've got a pickup at number 11 village lane or whatever and he said all right and it was this woman it was like a woman version of the elephant man. Wow. The elephant woman? Yeah it looked like... It was really strange because I was in the front of the cab and when you're a kid if you if something looks odd you're a bit scared of it aren't you? Yeah. And my dad was like, look at it. Don't they're all right. And we're driving towards her. Look at it. Don't don't worry so I've got loads of buns. I'm just going to be. Look. Look. Look. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the the the the the the the the think I'll just throw one down the street if it's you're right. I'm a little bit.

So how old are you 18? No, I was about 12 or something like that, 11, 12. And as we got closer to it, it looked like she was holding like a bag of spuds on a shoulder. For a snack. And her head was all a bit mangled and messy and that. And my dad said, whatever you do, don't, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thu, thu, thu, thu, thu, thu, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thu, tho, th. So, th. So, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I th. So, I the th. So, I the the, I the, I th. So, I th. So, I th. So, I th. So, I th. So, I th. So, I th. So, I th. So, I th. So, I th. And, I th. And, I's, I'm th. And, I'm th. And, I'm th. And, I'm th. And, I'm th. And, I'm th. And, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm th. And, I'm, I'm, I'm th. And, I'm, I'm th. And and messy and that. And my dad said, whatever you do, don't stare at a face. Yeah. And she got in the back. Because you turned into stone.

She got in the back. And I had like the mirror, the driver's mirror thing, and sort of having a look, try to work out. And I really, I mean, he said, don't stare where a face was. It was that weird. Oh God. I'm not sure you're from Manchester. I think you're from like Narnia or something. Yeah you got frog boys walking around with the rings. They got like the claws of a lobster and their head of a toad and you got women getting in with spuds for heads. I mean what what is not what is this place? Youthis place? Yeah you can't believe it in London can you come down and go look symmetry it must be amazing. It must be a thing to

do with upbringing though wasn't it and because again do you know I've said to you before years ago when I was a kid and didn't have any worries good looking lad you go through it a bit have a few more worries and you look knackered. Now back there there's a lot more worries and stuff so you get a lot more freaks. Whereas in London everyone's like happy aren't they got this? I love the fact that stress can cause your fingers to fuse and your heads to grow. No but if she must have been really stressed to have a head like yeah yeah yeah she was an accountant or something? You know what I mean? But what did she do? What did she say?

Where was she going by the way? She couldn't speak. London Zoo please. I think that she was. She was going to like a pet shop. Seriously, unless a grunt on my mom's life she was because at the end of a day that's a good thing with animals they don't judge you do they? She's not an animal. She's a human being. You know the elephant man was not actually an elephant. Do you understand that? He's got no elephant genes in him at at all? No, that was just a cruel name people

gave him. Yeah. No, it's the name of the disease and an elephant Titus. Look at that. So listen, so this woman why was she going to a pet shop? She want to find her husband. Is it... Is this true? No, it is true, yeah. Oh God. I'm not taking the Mickey because it must be really bad for you. But Colin, Carl, I need to ask. I'm going on to you today about cutting myself shaving. Yeah. I'm going on about that.

I'm going to to think but that we're saying that you're gonna say this is a worst problem than a little cut shaving aren't you? Yeah yeah yeah I mean I think you're right I think there's a couple of key questions I need to ask one if she couldn't talk how did she tell your father where to drive it did she have a little no did she did? Did she point with the way. All I'm saying is we can maybe get like some coach, book some coaches, get a coach parry out there to have a look at her. Take some photos. And now you can make some lemonade. The offspring of a woman and some spuds. Please enter at your peril should it give me a shiny shilling. Oh that's terrible. Well I'm going to play a little bit of Teenage Fan Club song for the lovers here. We left it very late which we've been just you know rapping with Carl P. here and this is

I need direction. Teenage fan club. Oh, they're a good band. They're a good band. XFM, 104.9. So, well, we're there. So, were your girlfriend, be proud of you now. You performed a PhD graduate there. It's a bit annoying because she's not in London today. She's in Sunderland or something,

the Newcastle, working. So she won't know what the, your greatest triumph. She saw last week's and you've got an E in history and now this week you come through with some great praise that Mrs Matthews never, you know, laid upon did she? Even locked up. No, just said you won't be a high flyer. Hey? You've shown them haven't you? You never know. I had mates who, you know, we make, Colin, who did the disco with me. Pilkins making music, yeah. Pilkies

making music. He was dead brainy. I don't think he's up too much these days. Sure. You can't plan it. Yeah. Just goes to show. Well I mean you can do a certain amount of planning you can do. I mean driving a tank down to the shops shops the shops the shops the shops the shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops shops down to the shops with some fags, never going to mean you're a high fly. And that woman who you picked up in your black car, she's in a circus now and she can fly, which is good. Am I confusing that with a film? You went to see a film this week, didn't you? What did you see? What did you see? The monster zinc?

Do you have a little argument your girlfriend or something? Well, the history thing took over last weekend, to be honest, when you found out my results. That was like the talking topic of most of the weekend. Why? What did she say? You brought on yourself. You know, why didn't you take it serious? Was she annoyed or upset? Well, she just sort of said, you can learn. You can't learn. You've to say, you know, it's the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. their. their. their. their. th. tho. their. th. th. th. their their th. That's their their their their their their their their their their their their. That was, their. That was, their. That was. their. That was. their. That was. their. That was. That was. That was. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. It's. It's. It's. It's their. It's their. their. It's to. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. toke. too. the the the the the the the the the the that school. You've done that. You've done, you know what you said? You know, it's only because Ricky's told you to read the book that you're reading it. Does she think we're sort of like task masters? Does she think we bully you? No. No. No. No. She knows. It's just a laugh. Yeah. Did you tell you're our parents about your parents about? No. No. Because they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they they they're. they they they're. they're. they're they're. their. to. their. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It's. It. It's. It's. It's only. It's only. It's only. It's only. It's only. It's only. It's only. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. them that you know I didn't get any. What did they do at school? I didn't have them back then did they? Right. When was that called? The middle ages? I don't know. Like I say back then it wasn't about getting results and that was it?

It was just about learning trades. I mean my dad's right he can like put windows in his house yeah do plumbing he should it's dark in it he's done that first of all but so he can do what he's got a multitude of different jobs you know I mean if there's a problem in me flat I can call him up and say you know this isn't working what should they do and they'll say like I'm not brain surgeon yeah fix it sure so what about monsters in what make of it so its it's all right. It is a kid's film. It sort of annoying. Is it? Okay. I was having like... What gave that away? What was it the songs? Was it the animation? Yeah, the fluffy little things that squiggled round on the screen for an hour and half? It is annoying because like these kids everywhere and kids don't watch films are they? You know what? I mean. their. their. their. their. they're their. It. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's. It's the I mean they mess I don't know why they make kids films and you can't be honest it's mental can't concentrate properly when you've got kids you know

you know screaming noise around you and that so I'd say my little review wait until it comes out on DVD okay what a great wouldn't that be great film 2002 yeah yeah Jonathan Ross going in well I don't I don't want to give it away wait until it comes to to to be to to the the the the the the the the the the the the they they the they they they they they they they the the they they the they they to the to to to to to to to to they to to to to to be they to they to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be they they they they they the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th I th I th th the the the the tho the the the tho the the the the the tho the the the the the the th well I don't want to give it away when it comes out on DVD. Oh. No, but not giving it away, it's just that you can't watch you probably when there's kids screaming around you. Yeah.

Sure. Do you know what I mean? What you're looking for to this week? too. their too. . tonight. Yeah. Rounders. Oh right. I thought you might like that. And if you can get, I mean if I can get you tickets, say in the stalls or in a box for the stage version of Midnight Express, would you be up for that? It's on ice. I think it's the final year, is it's lovely. It's Mideon Express on ice. Yeah. And it's a musical as well. They're on roller skier. Do you have any have the the the the the the the the the the the to have the the the their. Do you have the the the the to have the to have the the the the th. Do you have the the the th. Do you have the th. Do you have the th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do the th. Do th. Do th. Do the th. Do th. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. It. It. It. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's great. John Hurt is actually in this version as well, which is fantastic. He played the Elephant Man.

So it all comes, the universe all comes together. Have you ever seen the stage of the Ophat Men? No. You'd love that? Who's in that? I have seen a clip of it. Who plays him? I thi.

I thi. I. us. Alright, yeah. What are you finishing on? Let's have a final song for the ladies. It's from the album Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me by the Cure and it's the beautiful catch. Goodbye. See you next week everybody. Bye-bye.