The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Xfm S1E18 (March 30, 2002)

Episode Date: September 2, 2022

The show ran between September 2001 and May 2002 before Gervais and Merchant went on hiatus to film the second series of ‘’The Office’’. Initially, Pilkington’s on-air presence was relatively minimal compared to what it would become. Gervais and Merchant only occasionally called for Karl to weigh in with his thoughts, while the two mostly talked to each other, with the “links” between songs comprising only about 30 minutes of the show’s 2-hour run time.As Pilkington’s personality moved to the forefront, the talk portion of the show expanded to roughly an hour per 2-hour broadcast. While the show relied largely upon a stream-of-consciousness format, Pilkington made attempts to keep things more conventional by insisting on running contests and airing pre-recorded segments and regular “features”.

This is Strokes and last night. We just had a call, didn't we? From Johnny Mango. Oh yeah, Johnny Mango, yeah. Oh yeah, I hoped the manster. And he informed me that one of the words was his dead, and I didn't know that. Yeah, he said he died the most rock and roll death you can die. He said he was apparently driving on a terrible cocktail of cider and other things presumably, apples and jams and jams. Yeah.

And uh, it crashed into a tractor. Now what is that true? I'm, J. M's not winding me out of the words was died that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that was that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that was that was that was that was that the word. the word. that's that's that's that's that's that's that that's. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. He was. He was. He was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I. I was. I. I. I. I. I. I was. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was winding me out. I hope the Mango Boy is not having a laugh at me. Is that true? One of the words was died by tractor. Is that true? So give us a call. What's the number again, Carl? Oh, 700, 800, 100, 1,234? If so, I'm sorry. I disrespected them. Could you imagine? Oh, thrown. If you the driver of the tractor and you kill someone and you kill someone and then you look and it's someone famous. Yeah, or ad cutler. Yeah, go on, what was your point?

No, it's just like, normally it's like you've killed someone and you look. Yeah, I know what you mean actually. What makes it even worse they were rich? Yeah. Oh well that would be... No but say if it was someone who's like really big in the world. No that is a guy I quite like that is an interesting point there. Oh that's your bag no wonder I can't find what we're looking for. Oh right well as bono said. Did you bring a bag? Yeah. there's that's they. Is is. Is that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th. that that that that that th. th. th. th. that th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that's that's that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the th. th. the th. th. the th. th. th. thi. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. the thi. the. thi. tha. th. th. is getting a bit sloppy. No, no, no. No, it is, Rick, it's sloppy. It's never got sloppy before. No, I've got a list here, because we went to this award ceremony in the week. We were up for an award. Well, let me, I have to explain it to Carl, because basically we were up for an award and it's called the that's the clue. I'm not trying to slag off

you know because it was you know there was a big thing and they really made an effort and it was very nice food was because it was packed with the cream I'm literally the queen big names you know Martin Kemp one of us first people I saw you know came in I big TV radio industry names on screen talent behind the scenes people John Barnes Barnes was there um Beedle was there sir Cliff Richard was there yeah yeah right anyway so the voice the voice the voice the voice the voice the voice the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th I th I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thri thri thri thri trie trie. trie. tribe tribe tribe tribe the the the the the the says, ladies, gentlemen, please welcome the chairman of the President of the Trick Awards. And we had to stand up, all of these people got to stand up and give a standing ovation as he walked to his table to Tom O'Connor, former presenter of Crosswits.

You are joking. No, he's the president. old school stuff. You want to like to thank the ladies, because you know, it was nothing without the ladies, all the lovely ladies here. And we're waiting for a joke. Nope. Just thinking the ladies. Well, you're forgetting that just prior to that, he said Grace. Oh, he said Grace. Oh, the way. disabled fella, alright, and he's there in his wheelchair and there's me and Steve, we're, you know, we're standing up during Grace.

Can I stop you there? Go on. Sorry, did we bore you? No, no, no, you just reminded me then about the little producer who's in a wheelchair. Last week you said, blah, blah, and our producer is in a wheelchair, got a text from someone saying what's happened to you. They thought you were talking about me. Oh really? So yeah. You're handicapped in a different way. So you're on. And Tom O'Connor he said, thank you God. We thought this was a joke initially. We thought it was going to be like a kind of cheeky gag.

That's why we were laughing. That's why we were laughing raucously. And then he went and thank you all for those who walk alone. And to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to I thank you for there's a and and help those who walk alone and Ash went what about those that don't walk at all he said I've never been left out of grace before. So but we had to say and we had to like kind of like growed our head slightly you know and did we say amen I know that we were sort of a lot of people did I'd pretty sure I think probably chimed in there yeah. Yeah exactly. Yeah. So. So. So. the the the the the they. I. I. I. I. I. I. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I th. I th. I that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th. What. What. What. What. What. I was. What. I was. I was. I was. I was. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. What. I th. He. He. He. He. He. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. What th. He's. He's. He's. A. A. A. A. A. I th. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. So, um, like Mariah Carey. So anyway, so, but before, again, you see, what Ricky's forgotten is before Tom took to the stage. This guy walks up there. I don't know who he is. Says, there's a lot of people here this afternoon. It's wonderful, that event. But also, it's a load of celebrities as well.

Thank you for all the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities the celebrities th. And then he went, Table 77. Mr. Russ Abbott, and we all have to have applause. Can we have the spotlight there? Russ Abbott, by the way, smoking a pipe. Absolutely, he looked like a bit like Barrett Holmes. He's a hilarious shot, Holmes character. Then he went, Table 107, the cast of bad girls. And then he went,table five Alice beer clap slightly

smaller clapping yeah yeah and it's just like and I thought what when is this gonna he went through every single celebrity in the room and there were about you know a hundred table 53 John Inman everyone it's John Inman right yeah yeah yeah and table 70 mr Simon Cowl yeah there was there was there was booing there and they all booed him that was nice yeah there was a joke the joke the joke the joke the joke the joke the joke the joke the joke the joke the joke the joke the joke the joke was a the the the the the the the the the the the the th the the the the the th was a th. th. th. th. th was a th. th. tho. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the they. the they. the the they. the. the. the. the. th was booing there. And they all booed him. That was nice. Yeah, there was a joke, ironic booing I think. Could the cheer for Foxy?

Was he on the table? He didn't see Foxy. He was doing his show in the show. When they went up, they won an award, Coulin' and cha'n'er, and it upstairs and we're watching from the balconies they shone the spotlight on our table and he's right that was particularly fun but then at the end Sir Cliff got up there right because Sir Cliff was giving out the the lifetime achievement award right it gets a Gloria Hanifred right we immediately

start thinking what exactly were her lifetimes I think living that long that's pretty much I don't know what is she's done I don't tell you what she's I don't know you know I know she's already a two show anything that's we're not dissing anyone but but but anyway it was just a strange it was a strange it was a strange it was a strange event but to to thrown a the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the the the the the the the no tho tho tho the thi the but tho tho tho th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thin the the the the the the the the the the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to I swear to God about 12 minutes in, she was telling us how, and I can repeat, I can tell you now if you're interested, her lovely daughter Karen is currently in Australia, it's partly work, it's partly a holiday, Kyle, and she's having a waltzah and she's having a while, and she's is how she was going to get photos out maybe, start showing it. No, it was a nice event and you know everyone there, Henry Cooper was there.

So Henry Cooper was there. It was so good because every single element as well was sponsored by Zanussi. Yeah. I was looking at the menu, I've got by Netrolux. I was sponsored by Zanusi. When everyone was doing the prayers, did you look at them with their eyes shut? Like you did at school? What do you mean? Did you look at someone with your eyes shut? No, like you'd do that, you'd do your hands together. And you sort of look at people with their eyes shut and that's like what they look like when they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're their they're their their their their eyes shut and think that's like what they look like when they're sleeping. Play records. Didn't you have to do that?

That. That's a table. That's a corner shop. That's a corner shop. Lessons learned from Rocky One to Rocket. I love that guitar. That's great. It's real glam rocket. That's T Shop. Lessons learned from Rocky One to Rocket. I love that guitar. That's great. It's real glam, Rocket, that's T-Rex and Bowie. I wasn't a play some of it from Sigistrestarter today, but instead I brought in a different album. I want to pay a bit of Bowie.

Is that all right? Oh, of course. Yeah, a bit of Beatles. Still to come up by the too'. week he did Shagavar, he did very well, before that, the week before that he learned all about Ross Buteating didn't you? And this week you've been studying Hitler haven't here? How was that go? How do you look at that? It's a bit of a full story later Steve, do you know much about him? No. So they're all linked, all these stories I've been reading, they've all got a similar sort of thing going through them. They've born, they have a bit of a tough upbringing, things aren't going well and they seem to take it out on other people. Okay. But I'll tell you more later. Okay. Yeah I don't think you can, I mean I don't think Hitler and Shagov kid. Hitler, he only had one ball. Well I was trying to find about that.

Seriously he phoned me up in the week, I said how was it going? He went, I've skimmed it, I was looking for the testical thing. Now I don't know if they left that out or it's not true. Right. So he was trying to look up that Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, to, to, thua, to, to, thu, thu, thu, thu, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to to to, to, I was, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He, I, I was, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, try. He's, try. He's, try. He's, try. He's, try. He's, try. He's up that Hitler has only got one ball. I think they only did it to wind him up. Because it's like, you know, yeah you might be taken over the world, but we're all saying you've only got one testicle. And it's not a nausea. Did you look in the index and it's of Hitler, adult family life, early childhood testicles, testicles absence of. Sort of skinned through. One of. Mother, mother, brackets other. Yeah, Albert Hall. The only thing I could find was at one point in like when he was trying to run the place, there was a meeting going on and somebody put a bag in the

meeting room and it blew up. Yeah, but the table protected. Yeah, but you wanted under the testicle? It was what the testicle was under the testic. testestestestestestestestestest. tha. the. tha. the. the. the. thea. the, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was under, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, when, was, when, when, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was under, was under, was under, was under, was under, was under, was under, was under, was under, was under, was under, was under, was under, was under, was under, was under, was under, was, was, was, was, was, was testestestestestesticle. the the the the the the the the the testestesticle. Testic, was, was, like, what, what, what, like, what, what, what, like, what, what, like, what, what, what, like, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, was, what, was, was, was, was, wasesticle? It was, it was, what, the testicle was under the table? The bag, the bag blew off the ball. No, the ball sack was probably hanging below the protective top and so that's where he could have lost. But why would you have only just lost the one? Because the way was sitting. The way cross lea. Cross testicle theory. Yeah. Yeah. What's the number again Carl? Oh wait 700 800 one two three four?

You need to have at least had a PhD or something. I don't think we should invite calls about Hitler. I think we're asking for bit more confident this week. Okay, good. He went there more like it, and I looked at him and I laughed. He went, no, no, even Suzanne said I'm more on the right lines there. Is there, anyone who has done a degree in maths or A-level maths that can bear, Carl won't believe this, right? Carl thinks, I know I was partly doing it to confuse him, just just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, ttau, ttau, t t totally, t t t too, t t t t too, too, to, to, too, to, t to, to, to, trying to, I know I was partly doing it to confuse him, just see that look on his face like a cat. But the chances with random numbers, for example the lottery, of getting one two, three,

four, five, six are no greater than any other single combination. Right. Now that's true. I don't mean you're more likely to get one, twothree four than any other combination put together, but then any individual combination they're all equal. It's count intuitive, I know, I know you think that to get a run of one to six is less likely than anything else, but it's not. Any named, it is. It's not, Carl. If there's a probably, it's never happened. Yeah, but there's a number of combinations that never happened. Every one of those combinations that have come up have happened and they're just as likely

or unlikely as any other combination, right? It's just that you feel intuitively, right, that one, two, three, four, five, six is less likely than one, seven, 12, 34, 60, you know, I mean? Well, I didn't win. They record. Okay. Woo-Tang Clown, Boozy. OnxFm, 104.9.

Wou-Tan Clown, Woo-Zi. On X-FM, 104. Well, here we are, the day day before St Patrick's Day. Oh, Hooray, brilliant! Guinness, etc. I hate British, English people I should say, you were obsessed with celebrating St Patrick's Day. You know, crazy, it's like Chris Evans used to rave on about it. We're going to Dublin we're gonna get drunk. It's like it means nothing to... I think XFM just did that to be yeah exactly just as careful careful they are employers you don't know you don't want to annoy and what what would we do without this

well that's true I have an enjoyable Saturday no this is my favorite two hours you like this don't you know we're not we can't do this through May and June no we're gone we got to record second series the office what are we gonna do to do on a Saturday host host to show yourself ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th is is is is th is th is th is th is th. What is th. What is th. What is th. What is th. What is th is th. th. th is th. they is they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they. You are not. Are you seriously thinking of it? If they aren't made it everything you... Why would you not think about it? Because I've been there, done that. Next challenge, please. Yeah. Oh dear.

Do you know what, do you know what, what, St. Patrick did, why he was revered as a saint and everything. What was he famous for in Ireland? He did, he rid Ireland of something. I don't know, but I bet he started off with something odd happening in his life. What do you think he had asthma or something as a kid? They all do? And he took it out on what though? What did he do? What did he do? What did he rid Ireland of? St. Patrick? Thi. that-In'-Patri. thi, th. he. he. he. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, their, their, their, their, but their, their, but th, but th, but th, but th, but th, but th, but their, their, their, but their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the, to the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the. the, the. the. the. the. the. the, the, we're going to get crazy and drunk tomorrow. This is why we're also happy to celebrate his anniversary or whatever it is we're celebrating. That's why we have a crack. Yeah, this is why we don't bother to celebrate the birthdays of James Joyce, you know, one of the great novelists of this century or Samuel Beckie, one of the great playwrights. We actually celebrate this man, St Patrick, the man who did what? Don't dis- him, he did a good job of it as well, because there's none there now. There are none of these in Ireland.

So he rid Ireland of something. Come on, Carl, think of something. He went around on a horse, whacking them. He went on a horse. Foxes. I don't know. No, you're on the right lines. There's an animal. Oh, bears. Yes it was. Wow! It was snakes. Right. And there are no snakes. He rid island of all the snakes. Yeah. Who did it here then? Because there isn't that many? Well I think he had a slabbed it over here as well but got tired and went back. Yeah. That's why there's just a few snakes here. Is it true that there are no snakes in Ireland?

I think it is. I think if someone called his... And what is there? Is he do? It was like the paid paper. See I'm not convinced that he did go around because it was snakes but there are no snakes in Ireland and that's... Yeah, I don't know the the insinous. If someone knows his nouts, we were... someone just, we had a few probability experts and statisticians and maths graduates confirming that indeed I was correct that the probability of one to six in a to a today........... the, the, the, the, the, th. the, th. th. th. thi, thi, the, thi, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, their, their, the, the, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, is is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is, is is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, is their, is their, the row is no more or less likely than any other single combination in a totally random selection of balls. Which brings us back to Hitler doesn't it? Because he only had one didn't he? Coming up we'll be asking Kyle all about Hitler, the education of Carl. He's done Russ Beutte and he's done Che Guevara. Well, we asked Carl, well we asked about some of the, you know, his opinions on some of the hot potatoes of the week. You learn as you go along because you've got something about St Patrick there. That was thrown in for free, that was an extra... I'll learn you something, snakes.

Well, sorry, can I stop you there and I'll teach you something, right? You don't learnthink you should be teaching people out to speak or use grammar. I just don't think it's appropriate. It's like, it's embarrassing, frankly. Because there's so many areas that you're making. It's like where to start with you? Snakes, right? You're talking about snakes. A lot of snakes are born with two heads. A lot of snakes are born two heads. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. thes. It. A. A. A. A. A th. A th. A th. A th. A th. A th. A th. A th. It's, a snakes. A th. It's, a snakes. It's, a thi. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's like, it's like, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It. It's. It's. It. It's. It's. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It's, it's, th. th. It's, th. It's like, thi. thi. It's like, thi. It's like, thi. It's like, thi. It's like, thi. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's, it's, it's thi. It's like a familiar type thing that happens to snakes. Okay. They take it for granted, don't they? Right. Snakes born two heads, they'll fight each other for food, even though it's going in the same body. Isn't that weird? Were there kids at school with two heads? that were they had kids?

They had two heads. They had two heads. was that right? No, no, they had big heads. They had big heads. And webbed hands, but they weren't related. And they weren't friends because that would have been too obvious, he said. Oh, Steve, listen, before you came in, right, I sneezed a couple of times. I said, oh, I'm allergic to him, I said, oh God he went he went he went bloody hell I was I'm sorry and he went and he went you know you can't sneeze with your eyes open I went yeah yeah and then he was obviously thinking to himself still and after a pause he went would your eyes really fly out and I started laughing

he went no because that has anyone ever held someone down tortuing them and held their eyelids open and gave him pepper and see if their eyes would fly out out out th th th their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their eyes their eyes their eyes their eyes would their eyes would their eyes would their eyes their eyes would their eyes their eyes their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their eyes their eyes their eyes their eyes their eyes their eyes their eyes their eyes their eyes their eyes would their eyes would their eyes would their eyes would their eyes would their eyes would ths the is the is the is theys theys the is theys. eyes the is theys. theys. the is them and held their eyelids open and gave him pepper and see if their eyes would fly out and he said and then and then he went I'm just looking at him again the silence and he's then he went of his own accord he just went I can't see that happening ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. You're a song here I'll this Oh, this, yeah, Bowie. Sorro, beautiful. Sorro,

Beautiful. Sorro, by David Bowie. I've got that on a compilation today, but I think it's off, originally off the pin-ups album, the one we did all the covers, because didn't write that did he? That was one with him and Twiggy on the front cover isn't it? Right. I haven't had that for that for ages I haven't got that so. Sorry you lost you lost I don't know what are you reading a book? Are you reading the book? No I'm just reading the brochure Incidentally we lost. We lost Linda Green. Yeah we didn't win an award. The best comedy. But you might be interested to know that Tom O'Connor is in constant demand for corporate functions both here and abroad and his client list includes many multinational companies.

No mean golfer, Tom took the literary world by surprise. Tom took it by surprise. Thoom, the first humorous golf book, from the woe to the tease, made the bestse seller the can't say Storm. We can't, we've got to say by surprise. From behind. But, but, uh, his first humorous golf book from the Woods of the T's made the bestseller list. I don't know if that's just books about golf, that bestseller list. Subsequent, successful books include one flow over the clubhouse. Brilliant. Genius! Take a funny turn, follow me I'm right behind you and eat like a horse, drink like a fish. Does it mention Celebrity Squares? Didn't he do that? No. He did, um, crosswits. Crosswits? Do you remember Crosswits? It was from the 80s. It was like a crossword game show.

It was often with Kate Copstick. But I saw one right, it was on the, it challenge TV B&B and no Andy Crane remember Andy Crane He was on the he was the link man then he went coming up next Tom O'Connor with Crosswits with well in my opinion one of the best crosswits players of all time John junkie Oh Oh, oh Who's your favorite crosswits player? I's got to be junking for me as well, but Copstick was alright. Barry Cryer's bloody good. Cryer was good.

Cryer was good. I watched Call my Bluff in the week. This is with Togstvik and uh... Yeah. It was quite good. How much you could get on there if you wanted it. I used to watch it with, what's his name? That was great impression. You're in brilliant impressions because while Bowie was playing, you were doing your infamous Bowie impression, which is the best one you do actually. Well that's just because Carl said, you know what, I said I'd love to go out for a drink

with David Bowie. I have all the people to come in here for sessions, I think he's really good him and Bowie and I think he'd like you as well. That's all and I just went, hello, I like to put you on them. Yeah, I just imagine you and Bowie in a pub somewhere. Isn't that pretty much the same impression you do when you do Ian Canfield? No. Ian Canfield's more like that. But not on air. He's sort of like this sort of eloquent 40 year old Capital DJ. Yeah. But when you talk It's one of his pillars of rock, Canfield. He loves Vance, Lemmy, Diarno.

If we run out of material later in the show, which is likely, considering we're now talking about in Camfields. We ran out of it at 5 past 1. But could I maybe just sort of interview you as David Bowie? Yeah, that would be fantastic. Maybe it could be the idea the idea the idea the idea the idea that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that thi that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's that's that's that's that's that's ous sketch. Yeah, that would be fantastic. Maybe it could be the idea that what if like David Bowie was, you know, a cab driver? What would he say? What was the funny things he would say? We saw that, um, what was that was it in when it said, um, Dead Ringers coming up? If you ever wondered what, uh, it was a, dead ringerringers is this impressionist show. They did it, it, it, it, what th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th said, what th said, what th said, what th said, what th said, what thian. What was thian. What thian. What was thian. What was thian. What was thian. What was thee, what was they? What was they? What was they? What was they? What was they? What was th. What was th. What was th. What was th. What was th. What was th was th? What was th? What was th was th? What was th was th? What was th was th? What was th was th was th was th? What was th. What was th. What was they? What was they? What was they? What was they? What was thee? What was thean. What was they. What was they. What was they. What was they. What was that that th. What was th. What did you make of it? It was all right. No, it was just the write-up in the Radio Magazine, it was the radio times, said, ever wondered what it would be like if Robbie

Williams was singing George Formby or what would it be like if there was an animal hospital was hosted by Anne Robinson. Yeah. Yeah. I actually, I have. I have wondered. Were those two sketches on there last night? Yeah. What were they like? You are the weakest. the weakest. the weakest. the weakest. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. It was. the the their. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. I. It was. It was. th.. th. th. th. th. It was. th. It was. It was. It was. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. the. t. the. the. the. the. t. t. t. the. today. the. today. the. there last night? Yeah. Yeah. What were they like you are the We are the weakest dog stink? No, what was it? It was something like The the that to vote offered animal to die or something it was something. Yeah. It was flagging quick do your bowie again Oh, come in here look it's Tim machine now. Let's play changesanges! Hello Iggy Pop, you nutter! Stop cutting your sound! flowers in the window on XFM 104.9 2 o'clock halfway through. Oh this is our favourite time isn't it? My favourite time of the week we'll be coming there and play some records. Have a chat. Ricky, a lot of people are wondering who you are. I'm Ricky Gervais with me, Steve Merchant. There's little Carl over there. Steve, it's time for White Van the Carl. We should definitely get jingles. I think. We the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the show sort of lacks jingles I think, noises, funny sound effects. Yeah.

Well that's a... Wow! What's Mr. Nosey Neighbour interested? Hello? What's going on here? Oh, we should definitely get some pre-recorded comedy noises. Yeah, well that's my job, but unfortunately I'm busy reading about Italy. For those that don't know and aren't familiar with this feature, basically the Sun runs a white van man column where it asks just people who, you know, every kind of every men and women, their views on new stories from the week and we decided we just asked Carl his opinion on some of the same issues. This week... Not like I've to rip off another idea and just use it for no, no, no, no, no, but this the the the the the th..... th. the th. the the th. the the the th. the the the the their. their. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, for. For. For. For. For. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, the, the, the, the. For, for, for, for, for, for, idea and just use it for a... No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, but this

time... The white van Man in the Sun this week is Herbie Crossman from Harrow in Middlesex. And he's been asked his opinion, Carl, and what's yours on pop idol Will Young admitting he is gay. to the threat. thinininininininininininininin. thuuu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thi. thi. thi. thi. 't understand what the big deal is to be honest. Talking to different people about it and they've said oh it could affect the sales you know girls won't like him anymore which I think is rubbish. Yeah because it finished yours Michael's career isn't it? Well yeah and I was thinking when I was growing up right and Freddie Mercury I was into Kim Wild right now. And her kid's a marriage she's gay are you? No but if she was if they said she said said said said said said said said said said said said said said said said said said said said said said said said said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said oh she said oh she said oh she said oh she said oh she said oh she said oh she was she was she was she was she was she was she was she was she was she was she was she was she was that oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh she they they they they they they they they said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said oh she said oh she's they they s s s s she's they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they me she's gay, are you? No, but if she was, if they said oh she's, you know, a lesser, right? I wouldn't say right, that's it, I'm taking kids in America back to the shop, I'm disgusted. Sure. I liked her. Yeah. I don't think I'm ever going to like meet her and marry her and that, so what does it matter??. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Will. Will. Will. Will. Will. Will th th th th th the th th th th th th th th th the th th th th th th th the th th the th th th thi. So, th. thi. th th th th. that's th. that's th. that's that's that's that's, that's, that's, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the th. the the the the the the the the they's the they's they's they's the they's the they's the they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's the the boy was gay I guess there you go nothing more and nothing less kindest guy I ever knew

do you bowie no big deal that's one your favorite songs in it really kidding a Georgie parts one too yeah okay um what do you make of the police protesting to parliament over reforms that's not the band before you say what's all about?'s not the band before you say. Right, what's all that about? Okay, well the police have had various kind of gripes and grumbles which they've taken to Parliament, try and get them

sorted. Like what? Well, it could take ages, basically. They don't like the pointy helmets anymore. They want flat caps. They feel that their powers are restricted, they get a lot of bad press.they're not being paid They're actually they actually demonstrated in the outside that's what they may have done yet at least they're doing something about it and so they're just sitting there moaning I mean they're going to the top try to sort out yeah I admire that yeah what you mean the police general are they doing a good job they've woke me up a couple of a couple a couple a couple a couple a couple a couple a couple a couple a couple the their about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about a couple their their their their their their their their their they're a they're a couple they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they was that because they were looking at they were looking for your brother in his tank. Yeah did this Sherman tank just come through it? Yeah. No my mates Nick Cars and gave my name and all that. Right. Were they friends he was? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay um what do you make of fears that

dumped Brittany Spears she's been dumped by her boyfriend? There's worries that she may be cracking up, Carl. You can see what are the signs? Uh, well, I'm not entirely sure. I'm just reading from this section, but I would assume that she's obviously showed signs of depression maybe. She'll be all right. I remember like, you know, Zoe Harris when she sort of got bored of me when I was a kid. Yeah. Get over it. I don't even think about it, I know. What, and how long did it take you, how long did it take you to get over it? Zoe Harris. To an honest right, it was like one of my first girlfriends and she was a pain.

I remember, I went out with her because she won't stop asking me, right? I remember, I remember, I never had a told her and then the bit that really got, I mean I thought I'd half liked her and then I remember right we're at a school party sort of infant school. Infant school? Are you sure it wasn't junior school? Well it's on the cusp when you're about to leave infants and go to the next one. And um she was crying. You were saying I don't think we should move in together. He was crying. She was crying.

Oh gosh. Had you stolen her milk? She must have been nearly six. Why didn't she grow up? She was crying because somebody had stood on a dress and put a bit of an owl in it. And I said, oh for God's sake. I can't sound it. So you gave her a slap. So you gave her a tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thin. I just thi. I tho. She was just to hea. She was just hea. She was just hea. She was just hea. She was just th. She was just th. She th. She th. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. I th. She. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I tha. I tha. I tha. She thin. She thin. She's thin. She was just thin. She was just thin. She was just thin. She was just th. She was just thooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. She was just just tha. So you're just thinking. So you gave her a slap.

I just think of him. Like six like with clogs and a fat fat cap going slightly bold going for a Christ's a woman. Come on. Oh, like my pipe. That finished it because all the mates were saying, come on Carl. She's upset and I was like, oh whatever. Hold on though. What do you mean all the mates were saying like, they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they were saying, they were saying, they they they they they they were saying, they were they were saying, they were they were saying, I they were th. I th. I th. I th. I they they they were just. I they were just. I they were just. I they were just. I they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were saying, they were saying, they were saying, they were saying, they were saying, they were saying, they were saying, they were like, they was like oh whatever. Hold on though wait a minute what do you mean all the mates were saying look come on Carl they were six weren't they? Yeah but they were saying come on she's

crying help her out and you did nothing I don't I've got injured got old in a skirt yeah but she was upset and you were her boyfriend so what did you do tell me the story where were you were at some kind of school do there was a There was a whole other dress. That's what it didn't work out, he said. I think. Do you treat your current girlfriend in the same way? This callous disregard for someone's feeling? His current girlfriend does not tread on her dress. She. Oh, she didn't so as far as you're concerned, what was her name, Sarah? th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi didn't thi didn't thi didn't thi, thi didn't thi didn't thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. Do thi. Do thi. Do thi. Do thi. Do thi. Do thi. Do thi. Do thi. Do thi. Doeeeeeat thi. Doeee. Doe. Doe. Doe. Doe. Do you thi. Doe didn't thi. Do thi. Do thi. Do the. Zoe Harris you just felt like well, you know she's gonna make a winge about you know a silly little hole Screw her yeah You're all you're all heart Carl What would you have done? I'd have gone over there and give her a lovely kiss It's a word we were playing dead arm

in the corner I was giving a very final thought then What do you say to the fact that a judge has decided that we the general public have a right to know about stars flings basically this is an excuse this is basically saying should pray papers be able to print title tattle about celebrities? Oh this is providing it's proven true isn't it a division one football or something it definitely had a premiership football affair and it is true but he's trying to keep privacy and the judge said well it's not for us to sense the press everything's that are true, it's up to the general public to either boycott or not you know that publication.

What about all this you know exposing, going through the bins of celebrities? It's not right is it but people are interested in it and buy the papers to read it, do you know what I mean? I mean like I said to you the other week, everyone has a go at Beckham for not being that bright. At the end of the day, it's a good footballer, it doesn't really matter what goes on off the pitch does it? You know what I mean? Yeah, so what if you were. Yeah, they dug her out, you know. The night, Carl Pilkington reduced me to tears. Nah, I haven't done anything that bad. Sure. I wouldn't be worried. Did you win a dead-arm contest? No. I was thinking about that the other day. Do you think it's a chance I could get blood clots in later life? Did you play that a lot? Yeah, hell of a lot. Do you ever do it but like kind of headbutting? No. Okay, because that would have explained something. Dead arms. Sure. Any more. No, that's it.

It was with people's blessing was it you had to give them a go? Yeah. And you played it with girls? No. All right. All right. So you were playing dead arms while she was off dancing and getting her whole ruined? Yeah. You're romantic. thirty that? that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. a bit have you you still do that to this day Don't you? Functions and events Oh dear. Well what track we got here? You thought in a track? Yes, I just thought I dig out some old Elliot Smith. I've quite enjoyed his work and this was a previous single and the first track from his album figure eight Summer Sam Sam. XFM, 104. Sorry, I was going to back announce that track and just mention it was Elliot Smith and the track Son of Sam. Well, I think I'd just better ask Carl a couple of quick questions about Hitler.

Then we can, you know know get on with our lives. Okay we can take that particular box. Yeah, put that out of, yeah. Okay, Carl. Put that particular dictator's a bed? It's week three of his education. You've nailed Russ Butteen and Che Guebara. I don't want to lose complete sight of those. I know maybe ask you a couple of those in the week just to keep your mind on it. But Hitler. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to thi, to to to to to to to to to to to thi, thi, to to to to to to to to to that, to put, that, that, that, that, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, the, the, the, the, the, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, thi. Yeah, thi. Yeah,those in the week just to say keep your mind on it but Hitler tell us the story what have you learned do you want to ask some questions no not really just just just just just sum it up in a minute what is it can't their tell us some questions where was he born Austria tell us about his early life right it was a young lad. He, uh... Brilliant.

What in his early life? Okay, yeah. What's the name? His ma'am was his dad's second cousin, which is a bit weird. Yeah, that is weird. They had five kids. He's going, yeah, it's usually first cousin where I'd come from. Oh, that's unfair, in it.

There was five kids, but only two of them, including, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to to to to to to too, too, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to, to to, to to, to, to to, to, to, to, to to to to, to, to to, to, to, to, too, to, to, There was five kids but only two of them, including Hitler. Including him and his sister survived, the others died at an early age. All right. Anyway, so they grew up and the ma'am died and the dad died and that and he thought, oh what we're going to do? Because he didn't do well at school, didn't have many qualifications. No. Liked art. Did you have a GCS in history? Liked art, right? And then, so he said, right, I'm going to go to Munich. I missed a bit out actually. Jewish people were in Austria, he didn't really like them. Okay. He thought they got, you know, special treatments and stuff and just didn't like him. So he went to Munich and he joined the army. Right? Yeah? Yeah. And he was in the army and he got injured.

So he went to hospital and whilst he was in hospital the World War I ended and he was like oh god I was joined that. Yeah you you know. So, don't because you break any concentration. Yeah, sorry. I'm not even sure I want to join in on this one just in case. Right, go on. Right, so, um, so. He's in hospital. It gets a bit better.

He's never that fit though. He's one of these blokes. he was always ill. That was on something like 30 tablets a day or something. Comes out of there, join some other army. God, you know, I knew it all this morning. I'm not nailing the fact, am I, and joined another army and it was... I could see it running to ground. I just see his face going on the... I'm not nail in the fact, am I and joined another army and he was...

Well, let's try to help you. Here's a good bit. I remember this bit. He thought that war to men, right, was like childbirth is to women. That's how important he thought he was. All right. So it's like, you know, you fight for nine months and at the end of it you own something right? Yeah. So he goes on and all that. He's in Berlin. Yeah. And he's you know he's fighting his way through like you know try to take all the countries

and that and he does say does he do Berlin? Sorry, wait a minute. Is he, is he a, is he he chancellor yet? What year is it? Let's skip the kind of claim to power then he's now he's now he's now the dictator of Germany. Right he's in charge yeah and this is when you know he gets his own back on the Jewish people and that and he's he's got his own little armies and he's setting fire to Jewish businesses and and all this and uh and all this and anyway got a long story short he uh... please do he yeah when he came to like fighting Britain yeah yeah right saty fighting not so easy is it this world domination

adult Britain was there France was helping out yeah Americans were helping out yeah so oh god so he said, oh god, he goes into a bunker in Berlin, yeah, and it's all kicking off and apparently like Germany sort of surrenders, yeah, says it's all over, forget it, we can't beat you, he was really annoyed with this and he's thought oh I can't show me his face around here so he uh... because it would be embarrassed. He's with his missus, who nobody knew was his wife, either, in this bunker. And, um, so he said, I've done enough of this. He shoots himself.

Yeah. She poisons herself. And the chauffeur buries him or something, or burns them. And, uh, in all the time he was in charge 50 million people died. So that's 1918 to 1945. Yeah. Between... It felt like that. Between Travis and the red-on chili peppers next week. That's fantastic. That's remarkable. I have to say that you sort of lost your grass somewhere on the line because you started off confidently but... I've had a really busy week and last night I was like, I was like, that, that, that, that, that, I, th, I, th, th, th, I, I, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, I, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, I, I was like, I was, I was like, I was like, th, th, I was like, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I thi thi- thi- thi- thi- thi thi thi thi thi thi th. So, so th, so th, so th, so th, so th, so th, so th, so th, so th, so th, th. th, th. th. th, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. So, thi. So, thi-I thi-I thi'' thi-a' thi-a' thi. So, so thi sort of lost your grass somewhere along the line because you started off confidently but you lost your way to have had a really busy week and last night I was

like whizzing through it. And then this morning I woke up and you know Susanne had been away for about three days right I hardly spoke to us she's been busy I've been busy first to say when I wake up oh just ask me some stuff on it later. That's great. That's how their their. Just. Just I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I that's that's that's just that's just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just that's just just that's just that's just that's just to say. Oh just to say. Oh just to say. Oh just to say to say to say I'll just. Oh just. Oh just. Oh just. Oh just. Oh just. Oh just. Oh just. Oh just. Oh just. Oh just. Oh just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just that's just just just just just just just just just just just just that's just that's just that's just that's just that's just that's just that's getting. But I knew it all this morning. No, but that's fine. I think you've summed up the, you know, you've done that. Right, just for a bit of balance, I've got your next week's homework. It's the same series, there's little books, there's tiny little books, just three inches long by two inches wide. Winston Churchill, there. There you two inches wide. Cran with so much information there. Winston Churchill. There you go.

You'll enjoy that. Yeah? I'm getting a bit bored now though. This is what happened in school. Think of the listeners. Did really well in infants once got to secondary lost interest. Was it the breakup between you and Harris? In Zoe?

I wondered if you're spiraled into something there. Yeah, because it's like all these other, you know, these men, these men of history, they always had sort of things happening there, early childhood, didn't they? Maybe yours is the Zoe Harris dress incident. Well let's just refer to it as the Zoe incident from no one. Yeah. Winston Churchill, the bit I left out in the story, Hitler was scared of this man. Yeah. And I can tell you something else th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the th th the th th the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, thi the, the, the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, thi th. th. th. th. Maybe th. Maybe th. Maybe th. Maybe th. Maybe th. Maybe thi the, the, the, thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thr-a thr-a throooooooooooooooooooooooooe the the the the the the the thi thi th else about Winston Churchill. Go on. Um, he said he can remember's being in the womb. And he was born in a public toilet. Flat record. Oh! Oh! Oh! PJ Harvey, this is Love, XFM 104.

I'm Ricky Givay, he's with me Steve, Steve and Carl. Carl called me in the week, Steve, I know we sort of banned each other from speaking to him. What, you seem to have just disobeyed that rule on you? I can't believe it. I just can't resist it, but, um, he said, uh, just saw a program, what's that big balloon that blew up when the newsreader was going all mental? And I went, was that the Hindenburg? He went, yeah, oh, I said it was a big Zeppelin, he went, yeah.

He said, it was a big, it was a zephyr and he went, oh, it was a it's helium so flammable. And he went now they didn't show this in the documentary but did all their voices go funny? And I went what? He went well no even if you take a little bit of a little balloon of helium your voice go funny so if that was like millions of gallons of it and it blew up in the air and it was in the atmosphere you'd be carrying me talking like Donald Duck he went. So they they they they they the the they the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. So th. So th. So th. th is th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th th is tho tho. I was was tho. I was was was was tho. I was tho. I was tho. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was was was was was was was th. I was was was was was was th. I was was th. I was th. I was th. I was th th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was just just thin is tho theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. But tho. I was th. I you'd be carrying me talking like down a document. So imagine that. And I like to say, this wasn't in the documentary. No, it was an oversight. Maybe just time was against him, they didn't have time to explain it. Just like that, but that book about Hitler didn't have his one ball incident.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh. It's annoyed me that. What, what is? The old Hitler book. Why? Just because I knew it all. Do you know what I mean? I was cycling in today. I was like, yeah, going through it all again. Yeah.

Had it all in my head. But that's why you should know some of that, as opposed to just cram and have a piece of trivia that's precariously sort of teetering on the most fascinating things. You know about things you're interesting, you'll never forget them, do you know? Yeah, I was a bit interested in it, but like I say, I mean, I'm cramming all this into a normal week, do you know? You go on and, you know, you watch tellain that in the week, you've got loads of leisurely time. I'm sort of using the only little bit as well as try to do all my other stuff. He said, he texted me yesterday about it, look, he went, he went, he went, stop making me read this heavy shit. He said, I've seen in the back of this book, there's one on Elvis. No, I mean it is, it is interesting, but not when you have to read it, do you know what I mean?

Do you think you'd have read it in your leisure time? To be honest. No, you wouldn't have to do. What do you do in your leisure time? Um, I like, you know, going out for food and that. Um, right? Foraging. What do you mean going out for food? Let's go out of a little hole and go hunting. Yeah. This is Carl. He's hungry.

He knows. Wow. Many of Carl's close friends have never made it across this road. There was a zebra crossing installed just for the safety of Carl. Peepip. Beep, beep, beep. Uh, can have a bear combody and... Carl is enjoying his... Wow, but he has to get back.

His girlfriend's asked for one as well. She's home with a PlayStation 2. Wow, eh! Ehk! All right Rick, it was David Barry impression Zuni and now it's just a selection of crazy sound effects like that guy in Police Academy. You said you wanted some. He hasn't got to make him up. He's reading about it though, you heard him.

Do a machine gun or a helicopter. We've got to do all our own sound effects. So do you want a week off do not want to learn about Winston Churchill? Why don't you read it if you want to and just do if you get interested then read on I think that's what I did with school and it didn't work. Yeah you decided you didn't want to yeah yeah okay so that hasn't that tot tot to to to to to to to to to to to they. they. to they. to to they. to to to they. to to to they. to to to to to to to to to to to to they. to to they. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to they. they. they. So. So. So. they. they. they. the the the the the the the try. the the try. the the the the the the the the the try. the the try. toe. toe. to to to to to to tell you something? Can't you just do it like a TV series it doesn't go on forever we've done three weeks? Give it a rest now for the for like the summer. Yeah because most series lasts for three weeks. Yeah, okay. What's your favorite subject in the world? What's your favorite thing in the world? Um, I would have said what at school like no just in life what are you interesting I like I like little interesting bits like Sentences Atlantic Ocean it's got 17 quadrillion gallons of water in it right well that's that's interesting with that I'm not

I read a book what what are you based on what when you when you think of 17 quadrillion what what are you imagining just like a big think of 17 quadrillion, what are you imagining? Just like a big wave. Imagine how much water. Yeah. What's your subject then? I don't know. No, it's just that that. Wasn't what your favorite subject, you gave me a fact that is so... Well, that sort of thing. Like I said to you before, you were talking about monkeys. And I said, do you know that if that if that if that if that if that if that if that if that if that if that if if if if if that if that if that if that if that if that if you that if you that if you that if you that if you that if you that if you that if you the the the the their the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their they're that sort of thing, like I said to you before, you were talking about monkeys and I said, do you know that if you give a monkey a childbirth tablet, it works it works, it works on it the same way because it's kitted out the same. Could I just say something, we weren't talking about monkeys?

What were we talking about the monkeys, and about sneezing. Yeah. Yeah and you went, if you give a monkey childbirth pills it works. That's that's that's that's they're well we're talking about interesting things about sneezing and I remembered an interesting fact about monkeys. I don't know. He was brilliant. to the past 2. Brilliant. What did happen to that bloke used to make the same effects in Police Academy? I don't. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho th. th. Yeah. th. th. tho tho thi thi thi to to to to to to to to to to to thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. th. Yeah. Yeah. th. th. Yeah. th. th. Yeah. th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. th. Yeah. Yeah. th. Yeah. Yeah. th. Yeah. th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. th. Yeah. Yeah. the. Yeah. thi. Yeah. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to that bloke who used to make the same effects in Police Academy? I don't know. He was brilliant, wasn't he?

Do you remember him? I don't remember him. Yeah, he was good. Yeah, if anyone knows, give us a call. God. Blurt, girls and boys. You embarrass yourself then, Javais. What? Well, we've had a number of calls and emails pointing out that the Hindenburg disaster was not

because the Zeppelin was filled with helium, but filled with hydrogen. Well, okay. Well, I thought about that when he told me in the week. Well, yeah, but I assumed he must have got that off from the documentary. So it just went up. So that's probably why the voices didn't go funny. That was probably why it didn't feature in the documentary. Yeah. But it seems to me we blow a helium up like that can you?

Isn't that the point? What I'm saying is it's not it's potentially lethal as hydrogen helium. What? Hydrogen isn't as bad as helium? No helium is not as bad as hydrogen. I don't know what you're saying because that Hindenburg was hydrogen? Yeah and I'm saying why did we think it was helium? that's th that that that that that that we that we that we that we that we that that we that we that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that is potentially that is potentially that is potentially that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th. th. th. th. th. th. th is th is th is th is th is th is thi is thi. the is the is the is theat is the is the is theat is the is theat is theat is potentially theat is potentially theat is potentially that theat is? That's crazy. You go to school fates and stuff with like little kids and they're filling out little balloons with helium. They wouldn't have big canisters of helium, you know, a charity event or you know a small kind of bringing by sale if it was deadly. Yeah but it's not as big I mean when you buy those balloons that a fair it's not as big as that that that big balloon. But presumably it's still flammableableable is the wasn't the fact how dangerous the rare gas was, or it was the fact that it was made of this thing that caught fire and just went, there was nothing, a hole in it would

have been as bad, it just burnt quickly and fell to the ground because the hydrogen or helium escaped. It wasn't, it was irrelevant that, what the gas was wasn't it? I thought it was that there was supposed to be some kind of explosion. Well I don't know what it was but the point is because the outer thing was so thin right the the gas inside escaped and it fell to the ground. So it just fell to the ground like when you popped a balloon like not not not like... It didn't like flap all over the place and make a zany noise but I tell you what it it it it it it it the the the the the the the the the th th you th th th th th th th th th th th. th. It th. It th. It didn't th. It didn't th. It didn't didn't th. It didn't didn't the. It didn't liked the thin thin the. It was that that is that is the the the thin' the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th is didn't th is didn't th is didn't thin is thin is thin is thin thin thin the is the is the is the things things things things things things things things things things the the thin the the what, when I was looking on the internet in the week for it, I was try to get a bit more info on it. Guess how many balloons it would take helium balloons to lift a human up? Go on.

6,000. So we do it? Brilliant. Next week, that's got to be a challenge. Is there a sort of balloon company or some sort of, you, th willing to sponsor us to lift Carl? Into the air with helium balloons. Ten feet off the ground where we're tethering down, right? Is there someone willing to pay for six thousand balloons to try and lift Carlot. We can maybe get some kind of company to sponsor it. I'm thinking like Electrolux if they're going to sponsor puddings, you know, and celebrities, Russ Abbott, they will sponsor Kyle being lift. Heat magazine, heat magazine, come on. They're big selling,

very successful magazine there and they'd know about Carl because they mentioned him, heat magazine. Can we have a heat balloon? Yeah. Oh, Carl's into the air. Six, yeah, it's the heat, 6,000 Carl, Carl, 10 feet into the air. Come on. What about if it was Carl and Dr. Fox? We could get two different balloons. I think we need a lot more than 6,000 to mix, yeah. I just explained what I'm laughing.

We just did a call from someone saying his company was sponsored Carl right to be raised by all these balloons. I just explained what I'm laughing at. We just done a call from someone saying his company was sponsored Carl right to be raised by all these balloons if we could have a walk on part in the office. And we immediately went all worried about that sort of thing you can't really promise that artist you know and I was worried about the legality of it as well how can you promise someone that for personal gain that's a private and all that sort of stuff right and I went oh I don't know in any way put the phone down to him and car went I love the fact I th you th you I you I you I you I you I you you you you th you th you th you th you th you th you th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the th th th the the th th th to to to to the the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th I th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the the the the the theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee to the to the the effing worried about that than me being raised 30 feet in the

effing air. Ha ha ha ha. You started getting scared, did you? Are you worried about it? You're quite excited about the idea of the challenge, aren't you? I like the idea but I want like... Why do you like the idea, Paul? Oh, what if it went all wrong and we're there going, oh the humanity of it. I think we need to get... Carl, he's just...

He's just... I think on the rope would pull out my trousers, but you're gonna be dr. Oh, no, it's definitely got to be Dr. Fox, if that's good enough. Oh, we've got to do this. Oh, we've got to get all kinds of health and safety people involved. No we wouldn't. Of course we get this not to do it on private land aren't you? Not what happened to the Hindenburg? No but that was there was... that was just like there was lots of people died. Listen what all we do is we get get someone right? But what if what if he gets loose and he just floats off into the air and he meets his magpie that he that he that he that he that he that he that he that that that that that that that that that that that that that th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And he th. And he was th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th is th is thinks thinks thinks th. th. th. th. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. No. No. No. No. No. No. No th. No th. No th. No th. No th. No th. No th. No th. No th is th is th. No th. No th. No the. No the. No the. No the. No the. the. We's was the. the. We's thooooooooooooooo. No, the. No. No. No. lost. He used to peg his griftons. I'm so excited like this. Listen we've got to do this.

Please stop and think about it. It's 60,000 balloons. No, it's not. But 6,000 balloons. No, it's not. No, it's not. For sponsorship people pay for, no, listen, it's worth it. There must be a company out there that are paying for this. Just so we can not, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it's, it's to to to to be. to be. to be. to be, to, I's to be, I's to be, I's to be, I's to me, I's to, I's to, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I. I. I. I. I, I, I. I. I, I, I. I. I. I, I. I, I. I, I. I. I, I. I. I, I. I, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's to be. I'll, I'll th. th. to be. tha. to be. tha. tha. to me. to me. Sa. Sa. P. Sa. I'm just just just, to. S. I'm just, to. S. I a company out there that are paying for this, just so we can film it. Hang on, is they not an easier way of just getting one big balloon? The challenge is, there's no challenge there. No, it's got to be, it's got our people coming up and hooking balloons. It'd be like buckaroo. And the person who puts the balloons that is? That's ludicrous. 6,000? Yeah. That's an awful lot of balloons. I don't know you're,

what, there must be someone that could do this. Oh look, people have walked on the moon for the Christ's sake. We can raise Carl. Yes, but they had a NASA budget. We've got XFN behind balloons. Yeah, balloons are cheap. Bologn't. B balloons. B balloons. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. the the the the the the the their their their. B. B. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. their. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. th. th. the. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. about 150. Right, fine. True. Yeah, the helium though, Carl. You can't just like attach yourself out of a pack of balloons. No, but. What? You think we blow them all up? With helium. Right.

Off you go. But then we can do something with the balloons, can't we release him afterwards? Oh, well, release them back into the wild. Brilliant, as a sign of peace. Fly my pretties flying. Listen, I am so excited. I have not been so excited about it. And I thought that Robin Ince was going to stay in my cupboard for a thousand pounds. Look, we've got to do this. Six thousand balloons.

I don't think it's going to happen. That's an awful lot of balloons. And I just don't think how we can't we can we can we can we can we can we can that we can that we can that we can that we can that we can that we can that we can that we can that we can that we can that we can that we can that we can that we can that we can Carl knows. Can you think about the logistics of this? Oh someone must know there must be a company there's a bloke willing to do it I know I know there's no the technology of it is willing to sort of stand up. But a company just has access to helium like that. We can't do this come on London. London's Londoners it was on the internet already so someone. they they they they was they was. It was on. It was on. It was on they was on they was on they was on they was on the they was they was the their. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was on th. It was on thoes. It was th. It was there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's. It was there's. It was there's. It was there's. It was there's. It was there's. It was there's. It was there's. It was there's. It was there's. It was there. It was there. It was there. It was there. It was there's there's there's there's there's the there's th. It was th. It was the tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho the there's a there's a there's a there's a't get older the balloons. Now they probably worked out, didn't they? Carl, you're more excited about this than anything else, about your education, about your exam results. You're so excited.

And we'll have a little rope, it's like flying a little kite, a little car, we're like let's go fly. Car what were you wear? Like a one-piece tipe suit? Yeah, it's. We' thage. We'n. We'n. We're. thage. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. th. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It. It. It. It's. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. to. the. thea. to. thea. thea. thea. thea. the. the. god I'm not gonna sleep until this is done this is the most exciting thing ever only ten feet ten feet ten feet yeah we need some we need some kind of rope to sort of tether you to the ground yeah I want you so to be great and you have a little crush helmet and little little Dee boppers on the crush on it like a little, oh my god, can we give you an outfit like little wings and everything? Can we paint your face with like children's paint? Yeah, why?

Because that would be silly. Oh please Carl, do this, we're doing it for charity, yeah? All right. Yeah? Oh, this is brilliant. Please, just phone in if you can help us. Lift Carl up 30 feet. I think it has to be a decent, yeah, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's I think it has to be a decent. Yeah, it has to be a decent. What is the world record because we want to break that? Yeah. What is the world record for raising a man by balloons? Yeah. Okay. So listen, let's just finalize details here. We've got

I'm so excited. I'm so excited. Ricky. Jovey. Jovey. that. Ricky. Ricky. the the thiveys. th. that. th. th. th. th. th. th. Yeah. th. Yeah. th. Yeah. th. th. th. Yeah. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the the the the the the the the the the the world. the world. the world. the world. the world. the world. the world. the world. the world. the world. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. th. the. th. the. the. the. the. the the the the th... Lift car. Lift car. Oh 8700, 800, 1234. Sponsored by Heat Magazine. And maybe even if you've just got an idea about how we might be able to organize you, how we'll be able to get it done if you've got contact anything, just get in touch, give some information. Oh, that'll be great. I'm not playing Beatles the song for the lovers. you've got a hydra other way. Oh just think of his little face as he goes out. He'll be telling me that the show.

Well, XFM, it's nearly the end of the show. I'm Ricky Jovey is with me Steve Merchant. We've enjoyed company Carl. We're going to try and get Carl in the air. Anyone that can help us, take him up with helium. Our friend Johnny Mango called again. And apparently apparently, apparently, apparently, apparently, apparently, the record, the record, the record, the record, the record, the record, the record, the record, the record, the record is 11,000 feet. Carl is getting a little bit nervous. Yeah the world record is 11,631 feet raised by hot air balloons. How tall's Canary Wolf? It's 11,631 feet. Exactly. I don't know Carl. Is it how much higher? It's a long way? Because I'm like six foot something. Yeah think of that. Just look at Steve. All right. Yeah. But you can change your record you could say well the sort the the the the sort the sort. the sort. the sort. the sort. the sort. the sort. the sort. the sort. the sort. the sort. the sort. the sort. the sort. the sort. the sort. the sort. the sort. the sort. the sort. the so the so the so the so. their. the so the the the the the the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the............................................... of that. Just look at Steve. Alright. Yeah. But you can change your record. You could say, well, the sort of balloons are the one with Mickey Mouse on it or something.

Yeah, could I just say something? That man did 11,000 feet but he wasn't naked. All right? Come on, Carl. You'll be the, your 30 feet will be the world record for naked ballooning. Yeah? Think about it. All right, it's for charity. Well thank you for listening everyone. We are going to raise Carl. We are going to raise Carl. And after Carl said, just to think my teacher said I'd never be a high flyer. So this is your chance, Carl, to shine, to fly. It'll be brilliant. This is a final song for the ladies. Bel and Sebastian we've not heard their. It's, their, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, th. th. th, th, th, th, th, th, th. It, th. It, th. It, th, th, th, th. Well, th, th, th, th, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. It's, thi. It's, thi. It's, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty-a. It's, thirty-a. And, thirty-a. And, thirty-a. Well, thirty. Spell and Sebastian, we've not heard them from what. This is from, it's actually a B-side or a triple side or whatever you call it. Track 3 on a single called Jonathan David. This is the beautiful, the loneliness of the middle distance runner playing.

Goodbye.