The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Xfm S1E23 (May 4, 2002)

Episode Date: September 2, 2022

The show ran between September 2001 and May 2002 before Gervais and Merchant went on hiatus to film the second series of ‘’The Office’’. Initially, Pilkington’s on-air presence was relatively minimal compared to what it would become. Gervais and Merchant only occasionally called for Karl to weigh in with his thoughts, while the two mostly talked to each other, with the “links” between songs comprising only about 30 minutes of the show’s 2-hour run time.As Pilkington’s personality moved to the forefront, the talk portion of the show expanded to roughly an hour per 2-hour broadcast. While the show relied largely upon a stream-of-consciousness format, Pilkington made attempts to keep things more conventional by insisting on running contests and airing pre-recorded segments and regular “features”.

Absolutely. Stone Rose on XFN 104.9. I'm Ricky Jervais, with me Steve Merchant. Hello there. And Carl Pilgden for the last time, I'm afraid. Yes. So, you know, we're going to have a little bit of a chat with with sewing up some things with Carl. Indeed. We're giving away that prize, that bafter bag and, you know. Playing some great music. And we're just, I mean, I'm bringing, I'm bringing, I'm bringing, I'm bringing, I'm bringing, I'm bringing, I'm bringing, I'm bringing, I'm bringing, I'm bringing, I'm the the the the the the the th, th, the th, th, th, th, th, the little, th, the little, the little, th, th, thin, thin' the little, thi, thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thi, the little, the little, the little, the little, the little, the little, the little, the little, the little, the little, thing thing th. th. We're going th. We're going th. th. th. thin, thin, thin' the the thin' the the thin' the thin, thin, the thin, thin, the the-a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'er-a'a'er-a'er-a'er-s, tha'a'er Smiths, Radiohead, Cat Stevens, David Bowie, Neil Young, the classic, Steve's doing the same. Indeed. Well, Carl, the last time for... Yeah, apparently someone's got it a bit wrong.

We're not actually away for six weeks. We're away for about... We'll be back in August, weren't we? Yeah. No, don't swear. Yeah, that's outrageous. On the last show you have to say that. Already brought the tone down. Yeah, sheepened it. And I think it's blasphemous as well. Yeah, it's not, no hell isn't it, is it? Isn't it? No, I don't think they're like, that's not blasphemy is it? Taking hell's name? Yeah. What was it you were saying the other week about the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thoomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomom tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to too. too. too. too. too. tooen tooen tooen tooen tooen toe. toe. tooen toe. toe. tooen toe. to to to to to to to think we said that on air, Cole. What? No, but last week you were saying about

bad language and I was saying, oh, you know, there'll come a time when bad language isn't, you know, it doesn't matter anymore. You can F and Jeff and stuff. Oh, I know what he's talking about, Steve, really? Right, let me explain to you, the listener at home. Carl was worried about swearing. And as a joke, off air air air air air air air air air air the air the their their their their their. their. their. their. their. their. their, their, their, their, their, their, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, what, th. th. th. th. th. th. What, th. What, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. their, their, their, their, their, off air, it was last week, we were saying that in the 1940s and 50s, the Queen Mum used to say things like, and we were quoting things she'd said, like, saying my God, but putting F's and C's in there, and you believed us. So this whole week you've believed that we somehow had knowledge that the Queen Mum used to swear like a trooper. We were doing fake quotes from her in her voice but putting in F's and C's and you believed

us. I mean I didn't even think, I thought you were going along with a joke but it obviously made an impression. Carl, we've said this, you've got to question and query everything. You can't take things at face value, certainly not if they come up the mouths of Ricky Gervais. Yeah. All right. Yeah, sorry about that, Carl. It's a little trick. Is there any other things now that as you look back over the time we've been thinking about, but I can tell you now that was a lie? Anything he's maybe queried or questioned, you know, you thought, oh that's that, you. Something might come to me later on but... Okay. Well what about Carl? I mean, we love you. Right, obviously we know that.

We've got great affection for him. We look forward to this. I'm going to miss you really, but, and I'll tell you what, you've got a heart of gold. Now, once you see what the record is, Steve? you'll see what I've done. Is it Heart of Gold? Yeah. Brilliant. All right? That's why he's a bronze award winner at the Sonas. I don't get up for bronze. I don't get out of Bron's. No, that's a waste about time. I'll puttogether there on XFM 104.

to the this, Rick, I'm not used to being on a table with losers at an award ceremony. No, I don't, I'm glad, I didn't want to come in to do the final show. You know, I went straight over and sat with Pete and Jeff, didn't I? I went over to the radio. I went over to, I went over, I went over, I went over, I went over, I went over, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the, the, the, the, Yeah, it's a lot funkier, a lot cooler. Won an award. Yeah, won an award. They swept the boards. Yeah. I don't, bronze is nowhere. What was the mood here?

Silver's, what was the mood here? The mood? The mood? Because the day after, because people were, I mean, let me t Pete and Jeff said good luck to us and Christian that was really nice and then someone else mentioned it. James Nesb. James Nesb said, oh, XFM and stuff. So it certainly had the...

Yeah, so it certainly had the room. It certainly had the room. It certainly had the room. And for a local, you got to realize it's a local radio station, you know, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and, and, and, and, and radio four and what was the mood the day after? It was all right I mean I think we expected a few more but it shouldn't take this thing seriously anyway but what I didn't realize rig but what I didn't realize is you have to pay thousands of pounds just to nominate just to get into the running for an award so you've already you know they've squanded thousands of no it's not a thousand you th you th you th you th you th you th you th you th you th so you the th so you th so you th you they. they they they they they're they're they're they're they're to to to to to they're to they're to to to to they. they're they're they're they're to to they're they're they're to they're to they're to they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they they tou try try tog try to try to try to they're they're they're to they're they're they're it mounts up because you pay for it to enter. And then the table. You've got to buy like mini discs and that to send your stuff in on. Sure. With Sony mini discs. Oh, I see what you're saying Carl. I'm not saying anything. No. And also then you've got to pay for the table. Right. And the food and the food. And the food, and the food, and the food, and the to. And, and to. And, and the the to. And, and the to. And, and the the to. And, the the the to. the the to. the to. the to to send. to to send. to. to. And, to send. So, the the the the to to the stuff. So, the stuff. So, to. So, to. So, to. So. So, to. So, to. So, to. So. So. So, to. So. So, to. So, to. So. So. So, to. So, to. So, to. So, to. So, to. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, the. television as well that night. Yeah, but I've never done it before. I mean I've never, I've sworn before and but never

accidentally. We were being interviewed for um, and Christian was sort of like quite, you know, being a bit boisterous and he must have brought out the worst of me and I just accidentally said the F word and I apologize straight a bronze isn't worth having, right? Yeah. But say like... We're only joking, none of them are worth having, but they're very nice to win. No, bronz is pointless. But you say that, because like, bronze is like coming last, then? Yeah, right. You tell me the name of the person who won the marathonerererereruuuuuuuuuuuan tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho thu. thu. tho tho tho- he's tho- he's tho- he's tho- he's tho-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n- he's thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thu. thu. tho' tho' tho' tho' tho' tho' tho' tho' tho' tho' the thi thi thi thi th name of the person who won the marathon this year? No? But that's because we're not sporty.

I'm sure there's lots of can. But then the guy who came last, who was in the swimsuit, people remember him. No, I don't remember his name either. No, what's his name? No, but he was six days late. I mean he was really dad. No one's remembering either. No, but if someone said who won the marathon I go, I don't know, but there was that guy in the swimsuit. Well, I don't know, it was a woman. Yeah. She had shorts on and trainers.

I'm just trying to make sure. My point is what they will remember is that we were losers. That's what they remember. They may not remember our names. It's all subjective as well, isn't it? Go on. I mean I'm not going to moan about awards because you've won a lot of them. It's like saying they don't mean Jack. But at the end of the day, right, there's some shows that won awards and you go, yeah, that's, you know, that's worth an award. I think you've got to win but I don't think you should really take any award that seriously. What worries me though Rick as I mentioned on the night is that I when I was at school was I mean you look at me now you probably think he's

an athletic kind of guy he's a sporty dude you know but it's school bizarrely that was not the case. No what were you've ever a lanky bean ball with you turned out yeah yeah so you so and yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so so the the the the the the the the the the to the the to they and to they and they they to they to they to to they they to to to to they to they they to they they they they to to to to to to to to to they that's that's that's they they they they they they they they the the the the I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I was the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they they they they one one one one one one they one they one one they one they one they one try one took one one try one one toy te one one one took one one took toy toy to to to to the they one one the they one one they jump and I've done better in the high jump right did no training whatsoever did no practice just turned up you were two and a half foot taller than every other person in your class. People think that if you're tall that makes you easier it makes easier it makes easier for you to do the high jump surely not because I've got all that leg to get over the pole that makes it harder for sure don't talk about it well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well the the the the the that that the that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th I I I I I I th I th I th I tho I tho I tho I thoe I thoooe I thooe I thoooe I thoooe I thoooooe I thoe I that tho of course the tally eye more times you got the high jump. What are you okay then? So is it harder for a six foot man to step over a matchbox or a baby midget? A baby midget? That is tiny Rick. Hang on. Here's something I've learned remember. Go on. Go on. What is it? The flea can jump over the

London eye? No! No, it can jump the equivalent of if it was a six-foot man. It can jump about six feet. He's like a flea cannot jump over the London eye. Yes, it can. Yeah, it can. Tell your kids that. Can't. Can't. Oh, a flea can jump over the London eye and an ant can lift three elbows. You're talking about fitness people and that, remember when we were in the pub, right, and your mate Johnny was in there, I think it was, and he was talking about that guy who got done, right, because he entered a wheelchair race and he was nothing wrong with him. His legs were all right? right. Now he got done because he shouldn't have been involved in it. But don't you think that really he's really good

for doing that because he's not normally in a wheelchair. Sure. So he's not used to how they move about. His arms are as strong as the other fellas who are always in the wheelchair. Sure. He had his mate pushing him, that was the problem. Yeah it was motorized. I'd I'd he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he's had his he's had his he's had his he's had his he's had his he's had his he was he was he was he was make is he was make is he was he was he was he was he. He was he. He was he. He was he. He's he. He's he. He's he. He's he. He's he. He's he's he's he. He's he. He's he. He's he. He's he. He's he. He's he. He's he. He's he. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's t. He's t. He's t. He's too. He's te. He's te. He's te. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th Yeah it was motorised. I'd give him a gold plus. Just, just, you know, you're taking a bloke who's not used to doing something. It does it the first time and beats the people who are at it. Well about that woman though that was disqualified in the shooting because she was in a wheelchair and she was just in the normal Olympic so she was in the normal Olympic so she was just an unfair advantage. She was a tholol. She was just. She was just. She was just. She was just. She was a the the their. She was just. She was just. She was just. She was just. She was a their. She was just. She was just. She was just. She was just. She was just an an an an the the their. She was just an an their. She was just an object. She was just an their. She was just, you. She. She was just, you. She was just, you. She was just, you. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. She was just. She was just. She was just. She was just. She was just. She was just. She was just. She was just. She was just. She was a the the the. She was just. She was just. She was just. She was just a the. She was just a t. She was just a t. She was just a t. You're not a t. You're not a t. You're not a t. You're not a t. You're not a t. You're not a the arm of her chair. Because I was standing at his advantage. She was in a wheelchair and she's shooting, but she was getting unfair advantage. And I said you cannot put your elbow on the arm of your wheelchair.

Sneaky, aren't they? No, they are. You've got to be careful. You've got to be careful. Do you want to play? Some of it. are athletes aren't we? What record should we play next? I'd love to hear that that single that was out a couple of months back by Athlete. Let's have Athlete. Man of Life. West Side by Athlete a track that I know you and I've enjoyed to... Yeah it was one of our favorite new tracks to the year that one? Yeah

absolutely. More of our favorite tracks to come on XFM 104. You know I have me as a as a as a as ashattching as ash. ash. that as that as that as that as that as that as that as that as that as that as that as that as that as that as that as that as that as that as that that th. that th. th. It as th. It's th. I as th. It's th. It's th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. A that that that thea. A thea. A thea'a Bays and you, Steve Merchant, and Carl Pocenton. Sure, go on. You know as much shoot? The high jump. Do you know the reason I didn't get the gold? It's faintly embarrassing because the guy who's, it was just neck and me and another guy, in fact he was sotter than I was and I was using the Fosby Flossby Flour. And he was using a method which I can only describe as the Superman where he was running at the bar and diving headfirst over it. I've never seen this technique before. It's illegal. That's absolutely incredible. Is it not allowed? Is it not allowed? Is it not? He's not allowed. Is it not allowed? He's not allowed. He's shoulder. He's going. The Fag. Right. That's the tho. That's that's so so so so so. th. He. He. He. He. He. He. That's. He. He. He. He. He. He's. He's. He. He's. He's. He. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He. He's. He's. He's. I was. I was. He. I was. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. He's. I was. He's. I Yeah, yeah. What was his name again? The, the, yeah. I think his name is Mr. Woodbine.

But he, anyway, so he's using this method, right? And it gets neck and neck and I don't know how many chances you get to knock down the bar. But anyway, it got to the point where basically I had to get to to to to to to to to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get the to get the to get to get the to get the the to get to get the to get the to get to get to get to get to get to get their their the the their their. I was, their. I'm, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. their. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the. I'm, the. I'm, the. I'm, the. I'm, they. I'm, they. I'm, they. I'm, their, their, their, their, the point where basically I had to get over the bar or I was going to come second. Sure. And I decided at that point to use his method. Because he'd seem to be doing so well with it. I thought well I'll try that then. That looks easy. And ran at the bar, launched, didn't actually get my feet off the ground. Just at the age of what, 15, 16, 6'5 already, probably? Probably what, about 9 Stone? Exactly. Did you have your glasses on? Of course I did.

That you must have looked pretty sexy. Probably a small bum-fluffed tash. Yeah, yeah. That must have been good. Was it true once when you were about 16, you decided to wear a dickie bow to school. That must have been great. That was drawing my PG-Wadhouse face. He's not, you'd be be a hit with a lady as if you were more sophisticated. Not only that, I thought it would make me kind of cookey and eccentric. Like I wasn't already, six foot seven, godlied. Yeah, like they're not already thinking there, it was a weirdo. Yeah, I wore that's a that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th. th. thi thi. Yeah. thirty thee thee thee thee thee thee thee thee thee thee th. th. th. th. th. that you you that you that you that you th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was a that that th. I was a th. I was a th. I was a th. I was a th. I was a th. I was a thi would thi would thi would thi would thi would be a thi would be a theeeeeat, theeateat, you're theeateeat, theateat, you're the. Does it spin round mate? Because you're getting me hot. Exactly. Oh dear. Yeah I wore that for about six months and it was in school colours because we had to wear a tie. It's a school but this is a

tie. I mean now I don't, oh man. I, what would it be like? What do you mean? Well you obviously had hair back then, what was the style? Um, it was like, uh, sort of, I had quite sort of, fine, uh, sort of straight hair. Yeah. Right. Um, hairdresser one said to me, you've got hair of a China man. He was a wise man wasn't he? What did you think that meant then? Oh! He just said you've got the same hair as a Chinese manhouse. Very straight, quite fine. Um, why is he doing it?

I just imagined this, I just imagined this part, do you do? Do you have the hair of a well didn't it sir? Do-do-doo. Do you have the hair of a Chinaman? I'm sorry, nothing. You're not the spy. No, I'm not. Thank you.

Good night. Lovely. You have a feet of a fish. I'm sorry, nothing, it was a cheap one, just on a railway bridge. I don't believe that. On a railway bridge? That's why it was cheap. It was very low rent so he could charge the people. That wasn't the barber, that was a man with some scissors.

Yeah. Did you want to go, oh, have to move you there, sir. Okay, back in the trash. That's not as good as that. It was just a normal chair, little wooden hut, and he did have to stop when a train came past because it used to, well because he had to change the signal. Just making a few extra bath. Yeah, exactly. Oh, I love that. That's Manchester. Oh, uh, is it free? You know, does it come with it? And he said, oh, go on then. He said, hang on now, I'll just have to wash these mugs up. He had like a sink full of mugs.

Oh, God. So I'll just took these out and then I can wash your head. Oh, no. And that quid. And when was this? Oh God, about 888889. All right. Yeah. So what happened to your Chinese hair? When did it start coming out? You have the hair of a bull Chinaman now, don't you? You've got the hair of a trinemone in a box now? Yeah. I used to just work a lot of hours and I think... That's what made it fall out.

Yeah, of course. No, it's genetic. It's not genetic. It's not genetic. Is he daubed? No, it's got more hair than me now, I think. Is your mum? Co-Jack's got more air than you, Carl.

Anyway, don't have a go at Carl's hair. That's a bit harsh. Oh, look at his little face. What did you say before in that book about going bald? It said, uh, it had a little tip, don't it? We'll go over them later. Oh, it says, if you're going thin, doesn't it say, um, cut your hair short and something like that. So it makes you look thicker. Yeah. Oh yeah we got people are offering Carl lots of, we've come up to that in a few minutes. Yeah, well we'll go through that. Obviously we, uh, to win that Bafter bag. Shall I remind people what the competition was?

Yeah. Last week we were giving away this bag that we got signed by various celebrities at the bafters and we ask you to email or write in with your suggestions with your suggestions, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the, to, to, to, to, to to to, to, to, we're, to to, we're, we're, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we, we'll, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we'll, we, we, we'll, we, we'll, we'll, we'll, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, th.. th. th. th. We, th. We're, th. We'll, th. We're, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to has to be something that will enhance Carl's life. We've had quite a lot of suggestions, I'll go through those a bit later, but they're some of them are quite eccentric. Meanwhile I'm gonna play one of my favorite songs off one of my favorite albums. It's Radiohead, it's the Benz and this is Blackstar. Go for it. Go for it. Stribes hit yeah on XFM 104.9 our last show I last show till August absolutely sorry about that we will miss it we can't avoid it really we've got us to go away and do some filming and they're only gonna miss you anyway car they can do without us now sorry balls on yeah yeah so you'll the

else is after she's not doing the whole three months is she, yeah I think so. Is she doing the whole three months, is she? Yeah. Turn it out to get too comfortable. Alright. Right. Don't let her feet on. I don't let Big Boy Slim come in with her because he mixes up with her, doesn't he? Yeah. Hey, talking to the Sony's the other night, Carl Pilkington sidles up to me, slipped me an envelope. Go on. Oh, oh, 200 big ones in there. Did you get paid to cash for that? Yeah. 200 Bounds. Taxman

won't know about that? Cash and the tax man won'tto local radio. Oh, yeah. Well so... No, the tax man will know about it. Yeah, because I'll declare it. Oh, I would. Put it up, yeah, it's going straight down. I'll do it when I get on. Do it when I get in later. And don't write off rubbish that you buy anyway, like, you know.

No, I won't. I'll do it do it th. I'll do it th. No, I'll do it th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tha. tho. tho. tho. tho. the the tho. tho. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. than. than. tha. tha. tha. tha. ta. ta. ta. ta. taxxa.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a. ta. ta. ta. ta, I'll send it tomorrow so that you get it early. So he's not too busy for you, sir. Oh, never mind. Oh, yeah. Also, did you see liquid news last night? No. What is liquid news? It's the thing on choice, right?

And it's sort of celebrity news, yeah. And they were talking about the the the the the the th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, to. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, to. Oh. Oh, to. Oh, to. Oh, to. Oh, to. Oh, tho. Oh, tho. Oh, tho. Oh, tho. Oh, tho. Oh, tho. Oh, tho. Oh, tho. Oh, tho. Oh, talking about the Sony Awards the night before which went to and they said something like a relatively unknown and one the entertainment award that we were up for on Christian and Chris Moyles and Jonathan Ross said that um beating off bigger people not he was beating off bigger people they weren't suggesting he was was Julian Clary been off of the hot yeah yeah and it said And it said, so the people who didn't win resorted to silliness. And it cut, right? I don't know where the camera was.

It must have been miles away, because it wasn't nice. Cut to me, to me, cut to me, making a little hat for you out of a Budweiser box, a little things, and then, and th, and th, and th, and th, and th, and th, and th, and th, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they cut, But they were always watching us. They were filming it. Yeah. So, yeah. That's really scary because some of the things we were doing. Because I was trying scarfs around your head, wasn't I? We were trying, we were touching, Carl, an intimate way. We were gaining him up.

Gained him up. To make him like that sort that sort that sort that sort of about five to three, seriously. We are going to... On the way out... And I've got roaming hands. Yeah. Do you know them girls who came up from the radio academy and sort of said, oh so you're Carl? Right, yeah.

A couple of fans were up to Carl. Just on the way out, I said to him again, I said to him again, I'm not thau, thau, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm to to to to to to to to to to to to th. And I'm th to to to, I'm, I'm, and I'm, and I'm, and I'm, and I, and I, and I'm, and I. And I. And I'm, and I. And I'm, and I'm, and I. And I'm, and I'm, and I. And I'm, I'm, I'm th. And I'm th. And I'm th. And I'm th. And I'm th. And I'm th. And, I'm th. And, I'm th. And, I'm th. And, I'm th. And, I'm th th th th th th th th th th th th thoomomoomoome. And I've th th th th thoomoomoomoomoomoomorrow. And I'm th th th convinced they was. That's because they, if you remember a couple of weeks ago, we teased Carl that he had to go as Steve's partner to the Baftas and they really meant partners. You know after the show, when he's walking out and we were going to go buy a suit, I actually said they will, they will ask you. He went, well what if they say, and as we walk in, Steve Merchant and his boyfriend, well, they they they they they they they they they said, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, they they they they they they's, they's, they's, they's, they'll, they's, they's, they're, they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're boyfriend Carl well they might say that as you walk in they might overdub it on the television so he's going well what about my mates in Manchester and he said I'm not going the risk of someone in Manchester thinking that he was going out with you mind you it wasn't it was probably going wow if he was gonna see where you go if you if you're gonna be gay you wouldn't choose Steve would you? No. Who would you choose if you were gay? If you could go

out with any bloke who would it be? That's a good one. Yeah. Um, that's a good one. He's thought about it before. Go on. No, no, no, Jonathan Ross is alright. You guy, you fancy John the watch, you, Bender. Oh, Ben-O'er. Oh, you've got his number, haven't you? We should get contact. I love you, Jonathan, you. Hello, Jonathan, I love your film show.

Oh yeah, you're so funny and handsome as well. You're always going to be rock'n'roll with me. David Bowie off Diamond Dogs. Another of my favorite tracks. Great track, isn't it? Well it's time for Carl's Room 101. Carl was too shy to obviously ever do this for real. But we thought that, and the run of this with things that Carl yeah we know the thing he likes we know that so we're Carl

we should just point out that we've been inspired by the TV show room 101 we didn't come up with this ourselves yeah we did this is room one two yeah we'll be Paul Martin and you'd be Carl Pilkington right you you can try to banish to room one one one the the the the the the the the the the the the the to the the the to to the to the to to to to the to the to be to be to to to be to be to to be to be to be to be to be to be to to to be to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thea thry to have to banish to room 101 all those things that you dislike, they're never to be seen again. Will you please welcome Carl Pilkington? Who? All right. Carl, so what's your first, what does this represent and imagine me putting something on a table next year, go on. Right. Well first of all, right, it's dead art to come up with like five things that's that's th. That's to to th. That's their th. That's, their, th. Right, to be, th. Right, th. Right, to be, th. Right, th. Right, to be, to be, thi, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, thi, the, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. their, the, th. th. th. th. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thrown, the, thrown, tho, the, to be thoooooooooo. And, thean, thean, thean five things that drive you up the wall. Okay right it's not easy because there's so many things yeah but it's just like you know picking five it's like someone saying pick your five favorite records of five favorite films yeah it's hard so

you know in Desert Island discs where they could you always get the complete works of Shakespeare in the Bible yeah I think I think you should include Ricky VIII I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I they they they they they they they the they they they the they they they they they the they they they the the th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th th is th is th I th I th I th I th I th th th th they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they the they they th I thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi the thi they're they're they're they're they're they're they they they. I think you should always be there already in room and one. They don't have to nominate you. You always go in. Go on then. Go on then. So don't bother putting him in. Don't bother putting Ricky in, car, he's already there. I'm already there. Yeah. Go on then. Right. First of all, right, I thought, I thought of like things that we've done in the past. tha. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. th. th. thin. thi. thi. thi. to to to th. to go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go. to go. to go. to go. to go. to go. to go. to go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. th. th. th. th. th. to. th. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. tha. tos that we've done in the past and like quotes and that that you're talking about. Yeah. That quote that people say that you know money doesn't make you happy. Yeah, right? we're just we're just rattling through somewhere. Yeah, that annoys me. What? Well the quote money doesn't make you happy? Yeah, because it clearly does. Right. Without it, life's pretty dull isn't it?? Yeah good. So that's like a little short short thing and and you know Then that sort of makes you think about people with money

There was a program on in the week. I don't know if you saw it Steve the one a posh Low do that was great show so annoying. Oh yeah, there was a girl not her thought she's from a rich family no it's like how posh people annoy people that doesn't annoy me because the way I sound is because of where I'm brought up and that yeah and at the end of day if you sound posh you know it doesn't change you as a person or whatever yeah it's quite this girl right did you see it I did you didn't see it's the ricky right this girl go thi this girl this th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I thin thin thin thin thin thin thu thu thu thu thu thu the the the the the the the the the thin the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi the theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee thee the the the This girl goes shopping, she buys like four t-shirts and a crappy little handbag, yeah, spends about 1,300 quid and she's just wasting it going, you know, the woman's saying, oh you love these, you know, they're really in fashion, she said, oh whatever, I'll probably only

wear them once anyway. And it's just, that sort of thing annoys me. You know, people with money, you know, people with money, you know, who have grafted for it are good. But like, you know, people who just get money given to them from the rich parents family at the world, there was another point, right, where she's in a shoe shop, right? And she's like got these big boots and stuff. But part of the problem is, right? She's quite odd looking in that, right? But she's got a lot of money so she makes herself look half decent. Yeah. Problem is, she's got fat ankles. She's got what?

Fat ankles. Right. And they drive her up the wall because no matter, I mean, all them things, isn't it? It's almost like God has gone. Yeah, you can have all the toppies but at the end of the day love you stuck with these ankles and you can see I look the idea of God saying right you can have all the topis you want yeah and you have nice handbags and that but you're stuck with these ankles oh god and I really wanted to get a job in that shoe shop where she was going in blowing her dad's money and she was calling up her dad say no daddy is it all you know I'm just out shopping I I've th I th I th I'm th th I'm th th th th th th th th th th th th the th th the th the th th th the th th th the th the th th th th th the th th th th their the their their the. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th th th th toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy cost like a grand and I really wanted a job in that shoe shop.

Just so I could sit there and when she comes in you go, oh hello love, whatever a name is, lovely to see you here again. Got some lovely new shoes in. Got look at these nice new boots, everyone's wearing them, Victoria Beckham, and you know all the it girls are wearing them can't get into these. Never mind, there's some boots. She really annoyed me and I'm not a nasty person but she brought it out of me. Oh I'm worried though this idea of you getting a job in a shoe shop I'm not sure you're qualified. I like all that that's way around it but yeah some people go oh I'd like her to lose all her money or something. I'd like her to lose all her money or something like to to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. I th. I'm like th. I'm like tho tho. I'm like tho. I'm like to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their they's she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she to to to to to to th. I th. I th. I th. I the. I'm like she's like I'm like the. I'm like like like tru. I'm like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like to to to to to to to to to getting the job in the shot and then just wait in there. You'd be too busy mucking around outside, on so I've got a trolley stuck in a little lake. Yeah. But interestingly in that show, I was watching that

show and at one point, you mentioned her fat heels or her fat ankles. She said, I'd like to have various changes to my body. Yeah, her, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, I, I, I, I, I, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd th. I'd, I'd like, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I, I, I, I'd, I, I, I, I, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd like, I'd like, I'd like, I'd like, I'd like, I'd like, I'd like, I'd like, I'd like, I'd like, I'd like, I'd like, I'd like, I'd like, I'd like, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, my body, I know plastic surgery, I'd like to do this to my face and do da da da and her mum's there and your mom's go no don't be so that's no you're my daughter you're beautiful did it no no you shouldn't I'm not going to let you have those under the she went I'd love to have an operation on my fat ankles ankles her mums are your that? What kind of me? How kind of a mother does that? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Well. Oh? Well, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how? Oh, how, how! How, how th. How, how? Oh, how? Oh, how? what I mean? Like if you said to a little kid, four year old kid, draw a person, that's, they draw her legs. Do you know where there's no sort of thin bit and then it comes out a bit for your knees? Oh yeah and they're just like two logs. People go out and say I like your new flares. What do you mean. Okay, so you're putting in posh girls with fat ankles. Yeah, okay, what's your next one I'm in 101? Right, another quick one really. People in supermarkets. Right. What the people who serve? Yeah. It's mainly

these shops you get around in London that are like open 24 hours right? You'll go in and you'll buy, you know, you don't do your main shop there, it's mainly just little bits in it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you're, you're, you're, what the their their their their their the next, what their the next, what the next, what the next, what's the next, what's the next, what's the next, what's the next, what's the next, what's the next, what's the next, what, what, what, what, what the next, what the next, what the next, what the next, what the next, what the next, what the next, what the next, what the next, what the next, what the next, the next, the next, what the next, the next, what the next, what their the next, their their their their the next, what's the next the next the next, what's the next, what's the next, what's the next, what's the next, what's the next, what's the next, the next, the next, that are like open 24 hours, right? You'll go in and you'll buy, you know, you don't do your main shop there, it's mainly just little bits and it, you're carton of milk and a... Sure. Maybe a loaf, a couple of barm cakes and that. And you go in there. Do they have them? Do they have them in London? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you ever ask? the barm cakes? Do you ever ask thia. Do you? th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin, thi. thi? thin, thin, you thin, you're their their their their their their their their their their their their, you're their, you're their, you're their, you're their, you're their. You're their. You're their. You're th. You're th. You're th. You're th. Yeah, you're th. Yeah, you're th. Yeah, you're th. Yeah, you're th. Yeah, you're thi. Yeah, you're thin, you're ta. Yeah, you're ta' ta' ta' ta' ta' ta' ta' ta' thi. You're their, you're their, happened before when he asked for gravy and they didn't know what gravy. Where did you ask for gravy? In a chippy. What do you mean? What do you say? Have you got any gravy? Just because you do, up north you have chips and pine and gravy on it and they have a clue what was talking about. Right, okay. So that annoys me actually stick that on the list. You've got fish men up north. But listen. they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they'll their they'll they're they're to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. We th. We th. We th. We the. We the. We're the. We're theeea. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. that that that that that the. W. W. W. W. I that annoys me actually, stick that on the list. You've got fishmen up north. But listen, right?

We saw a sign in the north, right? It was a little shop, and the sign said, we sell bread. It was handwritten. It was like, there was probably a rush with those people in terms going to Red you talk of? Yeah, little, their head scarfs along women running down with their little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little headscarves on women running down with their little But anyway these shops, right? So you go in there getting your stuff and You'll go up to the till and they don't say hello to you They don't sort of smile. They just bleep the stuff through. They don't tell you how much is. They just sort of

Expect you to look at the till to see how much it is. So you can get your hand in your pocket, given the money, they'll give you the change and they won't say goodbye. Yeah. So it's like they just can't be asked to have any sort of, hello, how are you doing? I don't want a big chat. I don't want to know what they're getting up to and what, you know, what the the dad the dad the dad the dad the dad, what the dad, what the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their they're just their their they're just. Right, that'll be five pounds. You need to keep a rest of which bread you're saying well. Oh, Mother's Pride, it's a good choice. So, 70% of our whole last is it. So that really not, even though, you know, it is a 24 hours. I'll be honest, I would err on the do that, but I would rather, I'd start

them to go, 1 pound fifty please. And that'll be fine for me, any more. What about, hello and goodbye, have a good day? Not in an American way. It doesn't bother me. I mean, I prefer people who say have a nice day and don't mean it to people who don'm I don't worry about that mock sincerity because I think it no no no no it's just normal isn't it I mean I'm saying I don't I don't I don't I don't care they say oh nice to see I come again have a lot it doesn't bother me but I chat I hate people who think they're the life and soul no no no I mean I mean you know if you know if you know if you to throw a to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th I th I th I th th th th th I th th th th tho tho to to to to to to to to to to go go they to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to go they they're they're they're they're they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they the the to the the to the to the to to the the the thou the the the to to to the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to mean you expect to thank you yeah yeah and also when when do you come in at like a narrow what when you're both walking there and I stop walking out the way and they tut like I should have I want to go hold on that we're both in the same boat here yeah why is it me that that annoys me where people are they're in the wrong I'm a if they're they're not they're not not not not not not not not not not they're not not not they're not not not they're not I I I I I I I I I I they're not not not not they're not they're not I they're not I they're not I they're not I they're not I'm they're not I'm they're not I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm that's that's that's that's that I'm that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that I'm that I'm that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's they're not I they're not I they're not I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th the they. I th the thing they. I they. I thing they. I'm thing thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi the wrong. They own the street or if two people aren't looking where they're

going it's one certain's fall, that really annoys me. Yeah. So that's it really, I mean I know the 24-hour shops and the knackered and stuff but politeness just to say. Well it costs nothing does it? No. So those are your little quick ones then we get on your big three don't. Do we play a record and come back? I the record. I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I the record. the record. the record. the record. the record. the record. the record. I the record. I the the the the the the they they they they're their they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they they're they're they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're their their their th. their th. their th. they're their th. they're they're their their they're they're they're they're they're they're they're to that. I know what you want? I'm talking to Carl Wilmington on room room 101 on XFM 104.9. Yeah? What do you play? New order. Oh excellent. Do you know what I mean? It's mad. We were shouting at you then? How loud are those headphones? Uh, pretty loud. I'm always running headphones so... Yeah, but look what I'm doing. This is an old radio trick. You put one earphone over your their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. to. their. to. to. to. the their. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I. I's. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I's. I's. I's. I's the the the the the the the the th. I's the the t. I's t. I's t. I'm t. I'm t. together. t. together. together. together. t. t. together. t. the the the the radio trick you put one earphone over your ear and the other one off so you can hear people in the room I'm gonna say what doesn't matter Carl it doesn't it doesn't it point is it could have been important it could have been a fire when when when we shout anything you jump yeah do I mean come come on Carl to the

program all right right what are the things you want to the other than than than than than than than than than than th th th th th th th the th the th the the th th the the th th th th the th the th I the th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th thus the tho th oh th oh th oh th oh to the the the the to to to to to to to to to to to the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th th th th th tho tho tho tho tho tho the tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho th other things do I want to be when I won? As of us, spiders. Right, go on. I know Ricky will be green with that. All spiders, yeah. Just, I mean not all spiders, because there's some spiders that are on the planet that don't do any arm. They clean up stuff, don't they? What I got little brushes like that?

You mean janitor's spiders? Is it? Yeah, yeah. There's some that, you know, Hong Kong leggy. Just going with stuff. But I'm talking about the spiders that are deadly. And spiders that are massive. I mean, Johnny's mate, Rick his mate, Johnny, I mean.

He was talking about how he was in Australia and he was sharing a room with a mate or whatever and his mate was having a shower and said, Johnny just come in here a minute and he went in and there was a spider on the side of the bath that he said was the size of your hand. Two hands a width, it's sort of like I was trying just like eight inches across. That big, right? And the daft thing with that one is that can't kill you. It's massive, it's got no purpose. The handsman. Yeah, but what, something you said it does, right? If you sort of walk around it and it thinks you're going to try and trap it, it hisses at you and jumps at you and jumps on you. And it sort of clings on. That's terrifying. You'd be sort of running around and try to get it off and it's just gripping on like the old stag beetle stuff like normal spiders do but it needs to eat more of them because it's a bigger lad.

Yeah. And it doesn't actually do anything. It's not like... I just don't get it. It's just getting in the way and it's one of those things that are so big. You couldn't kill it. Because can you imagine like the mess that would make something that size of you stamped on it, which I'm not, you know, again I'm not a fan of. Yeah. But I don't get that. And then there was a program on a few weeks ago on BBC about spiders. And it was this one, right? It was going, you know, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you know, you know, you're, you're, you're, you know, their, the, the, the, the, the, th. the, th. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, there's so many of them they can't give them all names, right?

What they're saying is once one dies out they'll actually introduce another one because there's so many different breeds of them that is impossible to sort of make a book and list them all. Right, what, it's like a cue. They're not trying to name it individually are they? No, no, no. That's their problem. Just keep you're their. The book their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the, the, the, the, the, their, they, they're, they're, they're, they's, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they's, they's, they's so, they's so, they's so, they's so, they's, they's, they's, they's, they's, they's, they's they's, they's, they's they's they's, they's they's they's, they's, they's they's they're, their. They're, their. their, their, their, their, their, their, their. Because, their their their their their their their. Because, because, their, because, because, because, they're so, their problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just keep you down to the Beeses. This is true this. So they'll sort of go the, you know, the, you know, the, give us a spider, the Black Widow, right? Black Widow, they've all died. So where's next and they'll say, here's a red back. Yeah, and that's how they do do it. Okay. Okay. All right. So anyway, there's this little one, right, in Australia and it shows you some kids being dead happy and playing around in the sun, loving it, you know, all healthy and that and, you know, love being in the sun. They're playing, their,

you know, they're playing swing ball and that, dead happy. And like, the one of them goes, oh, I'll go to their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. th. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their, their. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, to. And, tape. And, tape. And, tape. And, to. And, to. And, to. And, to. bit of a sweat, sure, go for a little breaststroke or whatever and they get in the pool and they can't wait to have a swim about and then it pans to the bottom of the pool and there's this little spider just sat there dead still right start at the bottom of the pool holding their their breath. All right, start at the bottom Okay. Cheeks going up red, eyes bulging. Oh, eight pairs of goggles on. One goes by with a snorkel. You should look at this. Four pairs of flippers. Yeah. He sat there in the deep end, right? And it's like, and then it pans back to the kids having a good time, chucking a ball to each other. I can see what's going to happen in the game, is it? It's not going to join in the game in the game. And the game. And the game. It. It's, the game. It, the game, the game, the game, the game, the game, the game, the game, the game, the game, the game, the game, the game, the the the the the the the the thoom, thin, the, thi, thi, thi, thi, they, thi, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they. And, they. And, they. And, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, the the the thin, thin, thoooooooooomkykylipe. We's, toge, tooombs. Wea, tooombs. It's, together, the thoes. join in the game is it? No. And what happens is the kid starts bouncing up and down on the floor. Goes and sticks its, the kid goes and puts a foot on the spider.

Bites the kid and apparently if you're not seen to, you can be dead in 15 minutes. Sorry, why does this spider sit at the bottom of the pool? That's what it likes to do. Animals don't do things th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th to th th to to th th to thi to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooompoa. the the the the tooompo don't do things they like to do. Animals do things for a reason. Waiting for a kid to come along soon. It doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense. It doesn't go out to murder kids. That's not what it does. There must be a reason. I mean, if you just stopped when you watch these programs and don't get involved with the music and like, you know the odd. Why does it sit at the bottom of the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to come?? to come? to come? to come? to come, to come, to come, to come, to come, to come, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, to come, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, to come, to come, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, to come, to come, to come, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th th th th th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, their, their, to to their, to their to their thi, their their thi. Wait, waiting, waiting, their, waiting, waiting, their,these programs and don't get involved with the music and like you know the odd, why does it sit at the bottom of the pool? There must be a real, it either goes there for protection, food to cold, it does it for a reason, it doesn't go there to wind up swimmers.

There must be a reason this. If anyone's watching, please if you're watching that program I don't know I don't know about this spider what what was the name of the spider I'm not sure okay eight seven hundred eight hundred one two three is it the Duncan Goodhew this is is it born I mean I don't know maybe it does go into other things like ponds and that and maybe it does the same for ducks if a duck stands on it but why why stands on it. But why? The duck stands on it! Uh, I love your brain. Probably because it eventually, you know, a kid can get like saved if it's seen to in 15 minutes,

but a duck is just going to like wander around and go, God, I don't feel well and what have you. What good is that to the spider? Because? No, I'm saying, it might kill it if it might protect itself, but it must be in the pond for a reason the the the the the the th the th th th th th th th th the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, I the, I the, I the, I the, I the, I the, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I tho, I th th th th th th th th, I th, I th th th, I the, I the, I the, I the, I the, I the, I the, I the, I the, I theat, I thi thi thi theat thiiiii, thooooooome to theat, I throwne throwne, I th I'm saying, it might kill it if it might protect itself, but it must be in the pond for a reason in the first place, or the swimming pool. It must be down there for a reason. It must have, it must have another agenda, evolutionary wise. It can't just do it. Could it be in training for the Olympic? Unless it is just cooling. Like those, um, because on one of the other programs that's that's that's that's the other the other the other the other the other the other the other the other the other the other the other the other the other the other the other the other the other the other the other the other the other the other the other the other the other the other the other that's the one of the other programs that's a bit mental, that's a bit mental. Oh yeah, that one, yeah. The one with the lizards.

But they'll tell you that. But let's not get into lizards, this could take... No, no, go on quickly. No, no, this is a program, BBC, again, onthink like humans do and they all help each other out, right? And it was this lizard that is run about in the desert, right? And it's going, God, it's roasting. And what it does, it makes a little hole in the sand, and it goes under the ground and it cools down, right? And then you see one of the locals, I think it was in in Egypt or and the Egypt bloke comes walking along. Egypt bloke?

And uh... Is he walking like an Egypt bloke? Walk like an Egypt bloke. And what he does, right? He's looking out for these holes in the ground. Sure. And he sticks his hand in. Why does he want the lizard? He'd make shoes and stuff out of it. Okay. And you see, you see walking around and he's got about 12 of these th these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these th th th th th th th th hes hes hes hes he's walking he's walking he's walking he's walking like he's walking like he's walking like he's walking like he's walking like he's walking he's he's walking he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's th. He's their their their th th th th th th th th th thoes thoes thoes thoes thoes thoes thooes thooes thooooes thoooooes thooo' thoes tho' th shoes and stuff out of it. Okay. All right. And you see, you see it walking around and he's got about 12 of these things in a basket on his back and they're all looking really fed up. And it's dead today and they can't be bothered to try and they look really fed up. And this bloke's laughing, you know, he's collecting loads. I love how he watches this like they, because they, because they, because, because, because, because, because, because, they, because, they, they, they, they, they, because, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, and their, their, their, and their, their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. He's th. He's the. He's the. He's the. He's thea. He's theat, the. He's the. He's thoo saying how this deadly scorpion that man is scared of is mates with the lizard.

And the reason is that the scorpion goes into the owl, right? It can't dig its own o'l because its arms are that big and it's awkward for it to dig a proper hole. So what it does it goes into the like the little den that the lizard's made, right? And whilst the lizard's having a kip, the scorpion says, I'll tell you what, I'll do you the deal, you have a kip, I'll walk up and down this hole here and sort of scare away any people. So the lizard's like, yeah, all right then. The sco-thear-thear because the scoppyr-s wants wants wants wants wants wants wants wants wants wants wants wants wants wants wants the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the scopi the scoppyin's their the scoppyin's wants is their their their the scopiop, the scop, the scop, the scop, the scop, the scop, the scop, the scop, the scop, the scop, the scop, their their is their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their sip, their sip, their their sip, their sip, their sip, their sip, the scop, the scop, the scop, the scop, the scop, the scop, the scop, the scop, the scop, their sip, the lizard wants a kip, they've done themselves a little deal, the Egyptian bloke comes walking along, sticks his hand in the hole, he thinks he's just going to get a lizard, scorpion stings him, he runs off, drops the basket, all the lizards go running off. I know the fact that that is what goes, well, okay, I've got all these lizards. I'll just go to this hole again. Because I haven't got that lizard yet, this would be fine.

No, I just, I just ain't. And when the lizard and the scorpion make that deal, and he says you have a kip, and the other one does it, do they discuss? How do they discuss? Easy bloke or any sloak? What language do they use, Carl? No, it's the international language of love. But spiders is what you're putting in real one or one. Spiders, let's go back to that. Spiders, so spiders that... Basically, spiders that have got the poison to kill a man.

Because Rick, I know what the ones that are just too big too too too too too tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho they thi? I don't understand that either. But Rick, you're, you're a scale of all spiders, aren't you? I even the little tiny ones you've been any spiders, yeah. Is your husband afraid of them as well? Oh dear. What are we playing here? Oh this is Cat Stevens, Silent Sunlight, beautiful off of a catch bullet four at his peak in the 70s. Silent Sunlight. Oh, Cat Stevens, Silent Sunlight. Oh, Cat Stevens, Silent Sunlight. Carl's just had a funny phone call, didn't you?

From someone who's telling you all about the little brown it's called, is it? Little brown, yeah. That's the name of the spider that sits in the bottom of the pool. He said it doesn't hold its breath. It's got an air bubble. I didn't think it did hold its breath to be honest. And then as we know that, Steve was opening of a letter we got and it's a football song and it's they don't like the album by the leatherhead gimpers. But it's just, it's the fact we keep getting sent homemade singles. Wow, that's good isn't it? There's another one there. They're both both both both both both both both both both both both both both both both both both both both both both both both both the the the the th. Do th. Do we th. Do we th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that's that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the the the the. the the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th another one there. They're both football anthems though. We don't... Do we show any interest in football? Are we...

Well, yeah, the World Cup, we do, don't we? You're right Rick. Yeah. I've got a bet on as well. Have you? I've got Charles to the win 2-1. What's it? Yeah. And I've got Charles to win the 30 to 1 or something. Best luck, yeah. Cheers. Blah right, so. Spiders, that's the first one we remember one, isn't it? Rooed people in supermarkets, rude people in supermarkets, spiders that are either have got enough poison to kill a man or unnecessarily big. Yeah.

Yeah, go on then. Right. Next one. Yeah. Next one, stars in their eyes. Blight me, it's a popular show. You might alienate a lot of people... Why? Just, I think, if you've got a talent, right? There's loads of shows now that you can go on and make a killing.

Like pop idol. Yeah. Uh, what's the other one pop stars? That sort of thing. So, people who will go on stars in their eyes, they want to sort of be famous, they want to be a singer. What I don't understand is why I go on that show where you do all the hard work, got to do all the graft, and yet even if they win it, you never see him again. The guy who won last year, Christyberg. Ian Moore. Before last, but I was known with his own stuff. Yeah, but alright. How did it say? I don't think that sold

well. Exactly. What I like is when someone doing either Piav like Windsor Heat and and Matthew goes well I don't think you'll be going back to the cleaning job will you? Yeah yes you will Monday almost certainly Monday she'll be back then Monday yeah and just the way you know in like the final last week where the guy who was Elvis won and they're I thought he would though it was very good no he was good but will we see him again do I mean what is his job I don't th. It'll be carrying on doing that. There's going to be no change to his life whatsoever. He's very good at what he does, but he's wasting his time on Stars and the Eyes. So what's, I don't understand exactly what your issue is? You clearly like the show because you watched the idol, pop stars, eating big brother, do

what I mean? Go on that, sit in a room all day, have a month off work. Because they're all big stars now, aren't they? I know, but what I'm saying is, it's less work to sit in the big brother house, now and again just sing a song and people go, oh, isn't isn't the good singer? You come out after having a month rest or whatever it is you're, you, because, because, because, because, you, because, because, because, because, you, because, you, because, because, you, the, because, there, you come out and there's loads of record companies waiting for you to come out and give you a deal. And what happens then? When you get a deal, when you cut a record, what happens to that record then? Then it's either sell it or it doesn't. And actually, what happened to it?

It didn't sell me. No, none of them did. But what I'm saying is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is a lot, what is, is, what is, what is a lot, what is that is that is that is, what is that is, what that is, what is, what is, what is, what is that, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is. What is, what is. What is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is a that is a that is a that is a that is a that is a lot that is a lot the the the thi., is a thi. What is a the thi. thi. What is the thi. What is thi. What is a that is a thi. What is a lot thi. What is a lot easier to do than to all the graft that you have to do on Stars and the Rise and the pressure. What would you rather do by Craig's Christmas record? Yeah. Or Ian Moore's classics? Probably Craig, just because the guy on Starzner Rise really thought he was better than Christa Berg. When he was singing and... I think I'm better than Christa Berg. He was singing, Christy Berg came walking on.

Did he cry? And he didn't stop and go, oh, I can't believe it, my big fan, he was sort of carrying on, like, don't interrupt me, I'll have a word with you in a bit. Yeah, he's thinne. You think he should show the man he's actually making a little bit of living off, emulating, a respect, a respect, a respect, a respect, a respect, a respect, a respect, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, tha'er.a'er.a'er. tha'eru. tha'eru. tha'eru. tha'er. tha' I'm Christa Berg, no I'm Christaberg, like two ventrically stummies, just having a fight in the dressing room afterwards. The most annoying thing of all with Stars and their eyes, people who go on and do people like, say I think I think last year someone went on did them all. Now if you want to, if you want to, because the whole idea is with SARS in the ride, do you get work

off the back of that show by like companies, don't you say, let who will we book? Yeah. You could get the real Lamar for about 30 quid. So why have an imitator? Well, it seems to me though, the problem. Well it seems to me the problem of isn't that the problem? I remember when it's just an it's just a it's just a Eddie Reader was on there there there was a move about Eddie Reader but it's just the karaoke contest it's just I don't

think I think you know you know recording Steve okay in that's a a look at the tension now that's going on. And they sat there and they really think they are Elvis and they are Luther Mandros. Sat there and like, if they were all sat there having to laugh. I woke up this morning, looked at your picture just to get me starting. Phil. If they were all sat there just to have a bit of filth. If they all really want it. And it's like... But so what I'm saying is who are you putting in room 101? Are you putting in the people who just dared to have a bit of fun? Everyone involved in that show. Including Kelly? He's a talented guy. You don't care. He's a telliet. He's a talented guy. You don't care. He's going in there first. And thento go out and there's nothing else on at that time. And it was the final on Saturday night as well. Yeah, you got to watch the final on it in a live final. Well who would you do if you went on on the show? I'd probably do... Ooh. It's not, it's not that you look like them though is it?

No, he's saying like. They're saying that. Well it's got to be someone you can do. I mean obviously I'd go on as Will Smith because I can do the rapping. Yeah. Yeah. I can't, I can't do it. I'm not, never really been into singing. I've never done a live singing thing before. Have it? Have you? No. But if you their their their their their their their, if you, if their, if their, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, th. I, I, th. I'm th. I'm, I've th. I've th. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I th. I, I, I, I, I th. I, I, I th. I, I th. I, I, I, I to to th. I, I, I, I, I th. I, I, I, I th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to tho. tho, thent, if there was a talent show on, what did you do? I did walk like an Egyptian by the Bengals and I mimed, dressed up as a woman. How old were you? It was when I was still going to go out of school so it's like... Well I hope so. What, what, so, why did you do that? What, what, why did you mime to do that? What do you mime to and why we dressed to a woman? Where's the logic in this is what I'm saying, Carl?

What, what sort of act was this? I think it was meant to get old of some like Egyptian outfit, couldn't. So I looked in my ma'am's wardrobe and he had a dress. Dress in a fez, carrying some lizards, that'd do it, wouldn't it? And how did you dance? He looks confused! He's suddenly confused. The best bit was I also, it was like a proper talent show. Do you know where you'd cover it all? So I did like the dancing and the miming. And then I also did a bit of magic, right? Where I had like a cloth, right? And I had it over me, I'm like that. And the crowd were like, oh my God, what's he going to do? Oh, what's he going to do?

Oh, of course they were, go on, and what was the trick? And then the crowd going, oh, what's the great chorus? Ooh, what's he going to do? So what I did was, I stood there teasing them. Teasing the audience? Yeah. What, what? What, and I? What, what? What's? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? Oh? Oh? What? Oh? What? Oh? What? Oh? Oh? What? What? What? Oh? Oh? What's? What's the? Oh? Oh? What's you? Oh? Oh? What's the the they? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? What's he? What's he? What's he? What's he? What's he? What's he? What's he? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What's the. What's the. What's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they're? What's they're? What's they're? What's they? What's I stood there teasing them. Teasing the audience? Yeah. And I pulled the, I said I'm going to make a bird appear before your very eyes. And I pulled the tea towel off and I just had an egg.

And I said, oh, it isn't born yet. They loved it. He's so proud of that! Did you have any help at all? So you did walk like an Egyptian and dress as a woman, then you did the egg trick. Yeah. And then I was also playing like a janitor. Because when the next person was singing, I'd come on and all the electric went

and I came on going, oh God, has anyone got the the the the their And then like, you know, the old ones chucked to some money. Yeah. Are you sure you weren't actually employed as the janitor? No, did you win? No, I think we came second. This really tarty girl who did Madonna, like a virgin. And I thought, yeah, right. Like you are, she was a right rope a little woman. But, uh... So great! Oh, okay, so Spider-Stars, noise, we better play a track, haven't we? Indeed, yeah.

A bit of Tom McRae, this was a track we played a while back. I enjoyed it. Oh, ha'a'a'a'a'a'e'a' to say, I've got so much to leave people with, leave one boy once around the block. Classic or retro cut. Getting a bit sad now Steve, 20 minutes. Indeed. I've got so much to say, I've got so much to leave people with about Carl, all the things he's done, looking back, Carl, do you remember when I put up the waste paper bin on your head? Classic. Classic time, yeah. Yeah, do you remember that? What did I do to do today? Well, you try today today today thry thry that, to to to to to to to to the same to to to to to to to to the same to to to to to to to to to to leave to leave to leave to leave to leave to leave to to leave to leave to leave to leave to leave to leave to leave to leave to leave to to leave to to to leave to leave to leave to leave to leave to leave to leave to leave to leave to leave to leave to leave to leave to to to to to to leave to to to to to to to to the the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same tolde the same the same to me the same memories, the same to me to me to me to me to me to me to to me to to to to to to to to to to to the same memories flooding back to me by putting the same grotty bin on my head. But the annoying thing was, last time he did it, it was quite a new bin. Yeah. Did it today, rank all sorts of stuff on it. What else do I do when I saw you go around the corner down there?

Go on? I went to get the paperwork and that like you need to produce the show. And he goes, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to to to to to to, to to, to to to to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the, the, the the, the, the the the the the the the the the the today, they, the the the today, the the, today hiding and I was concentrating reading stuff and he goes I don't imagine it was as soft and gentle as that I make it was more like exactly and he I tell you what I nearly exploded because he saw a hops on my neck right and then he was ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha he sort of I don't know why I'm doing this, but he sort of was walking that and I was looking down and I went, eh, and he got like that and wait, he was looking at that. Rest assured listeners, if you were here, it's not any funnier than it is if you were

listening at home. It's only amusing to Ricky. It makes you feel really refreshed. He was going on in an heart like that and I was I was nearly having an heart attack laughing and he went I feel good now he said I can see why people skydine. He said that would be good for people that were ill. Oh Cole. Oh oh oh they've made to feel fresh. I'm gonna I'm gonna live without Carl for 14 weeks. Oh, you'll find other people to irritate.

Oh dear. Okay, so, right, well, we got, it's final entry and we want to one, but we've also had so many emails and letters about this competition, people trying to bribe you with things. I've been great. Can you read a few of more? Absolutely, yeah, well obviously this is people trying to win this bag that we got signed at the Bafters, we got Graham Norton, Angus Dalystayton, Alex Day, and Alan Davis, Jamie Thakshund. We got Graham, Paul Whitehouse, Baxendale, Helen, Steve, all different people, all different people signing the big bag. Do you know, I've only been doing this, you know, how long have we been doing this now with you sort of like, you know, in the area?

Three months? Yes. I think you've, I think you've touched people's lives, Carl. I don't think I've ever met, well I haven't met you, but I think your soul comes across as like a cross between, I put it, their, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, a, a, a, to, th, to, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. I, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th.. th. I, thin, th. th. thin, th. th. th. th. th. thin, th. I, th. I, thi, you're, you're, you're, you've, you've, you've, you, you, you, which are, which obviously want to further your education. Obviously when we're off air, this is something where we're just going to dry up, you know, and we've tried hard to educate you. So lots of books, spot the people suggesting books, the giant book of mysteries. And I mean if you chose this one, Carl, it's tells you how 3,000 Japanese soldiers literally vanished overnight, real life accounts of vampires vampires, the man who planned his own crucifixion, the famous

ghostbuster, Harry Price, and lots of things about spontaneous combustion. Is this the one about the woman with the hairball? That's not got the one in the hairball. These sort of books are the thing that I'm after. This is what I've brought in one as well. It's a friend who works with Jane, my girlfriend called Liz and she wants to put this forward and this is trade secrets everything you will ever need to know about everything and it's just like little tips you know I mean. But there's so many things competing with that. She's another guy you sent in he wants to give you a video entitled to make a video entitled to make a video to make a video the video to to make a video the video to to the video to the video to the video to to the video the video to the video to the video the video to the video to the video the video to to their their their to make a video to make a video to the video to make a video. to make a video. to to make a video to make a video to make a video to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to give a video to give a video to to give to to to to to to the the their their their their their their their their their their. their their. their. their. their their. their their their their their. their. their. tra. their. their. their. their. their. tra. their tra. tr do enjoy that Carl? No? Nothing they can teach you? No I'm sure. The Reader's Digest Book of Strange Stories and Amazing Facts again and other stuff here. Why cats of nine

lives Carl? Well hang on a minute. Why meteors are likely to destroy earth in the next hundred years? You're wasting your time. In this trade secrets the trade secrets book, yep. Listen to this this this this this this this this this this this this this thsesesesedice thsedice thsedice thip thip thus th That's a good idea. But don't plug it in. What about... Don't say that. What about this then, Carl? Because obviously we're concerned that you didn't get your GSEs or you didn't get as many as you'd have hoped. There's a guy here, this is Victoria and she's saying she's more than willing to give you all of her awards and certificates.

She's got six GSEs, six A's and four, but she's got many GSEs, in fact, six A's, four B's, three A levels and a master's degree in philosophy. She's willing to give you those certificates. She says you will be the proud owner of qualifications. As the owner of qualifications, she has found that anything she says is invariably believed and that she's popular and very happy. She's willing to give you those qualifications. That's pretty impressive. You can claim there your own. You have to change the name to Victoria but other than that I can see no problems. And you have to put a dress on, you know, Fez. It's nice. More like an education. But you see there's lots of educational ones. Then there's other things which perhapsthink it's Ruth and she's happy to give you a statue of an ostrich that she made when she was seven.

What about that? All right? You love birds, you love animals. Apparently the legs fell off under the weight of the body. So now it's just a legless ostrich, but even so? Even so? Even so? I only got a small that. Yeah, it's just plugging up space though, isn't it? This is Lauren, she's willing to give you some of her handmade blue tack animals.

She makes animals out a blue tac. She can give you an elephant, a seahorse, a tortoise, a tortoise, a tortoise, a snail, a pig a toy, a tug-s toy, a pig, a toy, a toye, a toy-a-a-a-s, a toyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a to, a to, a to, a to, a to, a to, a to, a to, a to, a to, a toy, a toy, a to, a to, a to, a to, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy, a toy got a variety of hats, it says here including bikers, helmet and cap. Two I think of the village people. I don't know Carl if again people are picking certain things up. A clear stiletto mobile phone holder with pink thrown it flashes pink and green. I think people know that you are gay. In this book, listen right? In this book, in this book little tips and stuff. It's one here about if your the dog the dog the dog their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their. People their their. their. their. their. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. their their their their their their their their people. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. It's, their. People. It's, their. People. It's, their. People. It's, their. It's, their their together. together. together. together. together. I's together. I's, together. I's together. I's together. I's, together. I's together. I's together. I've. I've their. People's, their. People's, the way to get it off it, ring the doorbell, right so you've got to get off his chair, go and ring the doorbell so the dog goes, watch that? And it drops the remote control, goes running to the door, you run back and pick it up. I love the idea of Carl doing that and then the doorbell goes and it's the dog pressing the door down and sits back down and Carl going on, no not again. I mean I really do want, can't I just have this?

Are you? Are you? It's brilliant. What about this one though that you mentioned? This is a book which has got all those urban legends and stories that you've read on the internet and it tells you whether they're real, thii, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, tho, tho, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, thrown.. thrown. thrown, can't thrown, thrown, they. thrown, they. thrown, can't I. thrown, can't I, can't I, can't I, can't I thrown, can't I thrown, can't I know you're very excited about the one with the woman who stuck her head in the microwave. Yeah? Eh? All right. So basically she's saying here that whenever Ricky says, oh it's not true, you can dispute that with your book? Yeah. What's what do you think then, Carl? Do you have a think about all these gifts? There's so much stuff isn't there? to play the record? th. C. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin? thin? thin? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? tho? thoom? thoom? thi? thi? thi? tho. tho. tho. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All? All. All? All. All. All? All. All? All. All? All. All? All. All. All? All? All. All? All? All. All? All. All? All? All? All. All? All. All. All. All? All? All. All? All. All. All. All. All. All? All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. Well. Well. All. It's. It's. It's. All. It's. It's. It's. W. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. All. It's. It's. All. All. It's. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. in there? Show and decided, Cole. I really like this book. Go on and what is it?

What have you found? What tip? God, there's loads of stuff in here. Let's just pick one at random. Don't be too tidy. Leave some areas for hopeful, helpful garden animals to hide in. So when you're cleaning your garden and that, you know, it might look a bit of a mess, but think about the animals that are walking about at night in the dark and stuff. Just little things you don't think about.

Yeah, because they're pointless. Yeah. Okay, then we'll just play record. Oh, there's so many of those sides. All right, what we're playing, Steve. with a smile, it's a good little magazine, and this is by Matt Pond P.A. It's called Night's End. It's nice. I suppose there's a little bit of a new country which we don't play often, but there's some nice tracks floating about. And that's Matt Pondier, Night's End.

Well, I'm getting very sad now, ten minutes to go and so much to crumb it. Now, the thing is thing is thing is thing is thing is thing is thing is thing is thing is things, Carl, Carl, Carl, Carl, things, Carl, things, th an thin, thin, thin, thin, thin' thin' thin' is thin' is thin' is a little, I's a little thin' is a little, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I's a little, I's a little, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's is a little, I's is a little, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's a little, I's a little, I's a little, I's a little, I'm a little, I'm supposed. I'm supposed. I'm supposed. I suppose, I'm a little, I'm supposed. I'm a little, I suppose, I'm a little, I'm a little, I suppose, I'm a little, I'm a little, I'm a little, I'm a little, I'm a little with that book but I feel a bit bad letting a friend win when all these lovely people who's regular listeners so I don't think you can have that but I'll tell you what I'll borrow that or I'll buy it for you so you can have that anyway what what what have that say you're going home with that what avoid washing up by borrowing the bag food see I could you love that is there anything is there anything out what what what other other other what what what what what what what what what what that that that that that that that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's I that's I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that's I that's I that's I that's I that's I that's I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they I they I'll they no no no they no they no they no they no they no they no that's they I'll that's thats have you caught your eye though? Put that book down? Go on. Go on. One of our regular listeners who actually wants the bag and wants to be part of your life. Go on. Well Richard emailed in, right? And he's got a book which is similar to the one I like there. Which has got like 180 stories in it. Um, I mean most of them are like true I think. Do you know, do know know I was the the the the th. th. th. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Yeah. th. th. th. th. Yeah. th. th. th. Yeah. th. th. Yeah. th. Yeah. th. Yeah. th. th. Yeah. th. th. th. th. I. I. th. I. I. I's. I'm. I'm. I'm th. to. to. to. I. to. to. to. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. like true I think. Do you know I was telling you that story about the woman who put her head in the oven to dry her hair? Yeah because she liked the way... and she boiled her brain. Yeah she stuck it in a microwave. Avoid washing your hair by boiling

the brain bags? So she put her head in a microwave? Yeah. And boiled her brains. She thought she'd got the same result as she did from the oven but to boil. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She's, bo. She's, boy. She's, to boil, to boil, to boil, to boil, to boil, to boil, to boil, to boil, the the the the their, their, their, to boil, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their And boil the brains. She thought she'd get the same result as she did from the oven, but it all went wrong and that. What do you mean? She used to dry hair in the oven? And she just like went modern. Apparently it's like what punks used to do. You can get you get a different sort of heat off an oven than you than you do off a hair droward, right. She was busy, she was late. I don't understand how you can get your head in a microwave. It only works when the door closes. Yeah, but you jam the little thing, don't you? Well don't say that.

Don't say that. Don't tell, I don't think it's possible, but don't... Because it is. Yeah, well, don't do that story and said, I've got a book full of stuff like that. girl who were she had long hair right and she's always mess around with it and she's sucking on it do you know like how girls girls do with the long air they sort of mess around with it and yeah and she's sucking on it all the time and she was doing this from the age of like 10 and then I don't know she's probably about 30 odd and she's doing this all the time and she goes oh god my belly's hurting today man and she goes oh what's th oh th oh th oh th oh th oh th oh th oh th oh th oh th oh th oh th oh th oh th oh th oh th oh th oh th is th oh th oh th oh th is th is th oh th oh th oh th oh th oh th oh th oh th oh thi's thi's thus the's tho's the's the's the's tho's tho thi's thi's the the the the the th is the th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thi thi th all the time. And she goes, oh my belly's hurting today ma'am. And she goes

oh what's wrong with you? I don't know. You're 30? So she goes to the doctors and the doctors do an x-ray and nothing's coming up and it's like, don't know what's wrong with you, you know, you're just being a bit moany about nothing. It's like, no, honestly. She's the very intolerant Yeah, she said this is... Piss off. This is really hurting. I don't know what's up with it. So anyway, they found out some sort of system of looking at what was going on. Yeah. Well, it wasn't x-ray. No, it wasn't x-ray because x-ray didn't show it up.

Okay. It was something else. So, anyway, it's only gone and turned in, like, she's been sucking her air air air air air airthat little bits have come off she's got a giant airball in a belly right which was like huge the size of a rat or something like that right the side of her it's so interesting what he chose the size of a rat no no no well the funny thing is when they eventually got it out yeah that the mom was like you you know oh god it was te'a throwne the like a dead rat. Oh right. And it is in a belly and that's like what was causing all the pain. Sure. And apparently your belly acids don't don't kill hairs because he's so fine it can't handle it. Yes. So you can go for that book I have? Who's the winner then? Who's the winner of the lovely Bafter bag? Richard Scholar is it? Yeah? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. It? Yes. It? It? It? the. It? th. It's. It's. the th. th. th. the th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that. that. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It's. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's the winner then? Who's the winner of the lovely Bafter bag? What's his name there? Richard Scolar is it something? Yeah Richard, yeah

Scula or Scala or something else so he's the winner so check down you're gonna get that book coming to you I'll get that I'll borrow this book for you. I need an email within like five working days to sort of So what's your email? It's the to email. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. to. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's. Yeah. It's. Yeah. Yeah. It's. Yeah. It's. It's. Yeah. Yeah. It's. It's. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.K. UK. Okay, lovely. I want an email from this guy and I won't be sending the bag out until I receive the goods. Okay. Very good. Well, we've only got a few minutes. I want to play Swade and I want to end with the Smith track so let's play this. What is it? Swade. Stay together. Lovely track. Lovely. Lovely track. the trac. My favorite. tr. true. true. true. true. true. My. true. true. true. true. trac. true. trac. trac. trac. trac. trac. trac. trac. trac. S. Sway. Sway. Sway. Sway. Sway. Sway. Sway. Sway. Sway. Sway. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. S. S. we're, we're, oh, that's nearly it, Carl. Right, what's your last room 101? Oh God. It was uh, holidays. Holidays? You want to put holidays in room 101? People, they were sort of annoying on holiday. Oh yeah. Do you know when you go away?

Oh yeah. It sort of touched on this before. Is this going to be the scouse guy? Yeah. Go on. It's so long though. I mean it was a holiday when we went to Tunisia. And the scoster pissed you off surprise surprise. Yeah. But the annoying thing was you know when you go on it was a cheap holiday and like the lesson here is you know if you want a good holiday you got a light spend some money and we didn't on this one we spent about I don't know 400 quid for two of us for like a month for something ridiculous and we got there and you know you get to the hotel and you go we have made a mistake you know it's a ropey hotel you know you can tell like the blinds and stuff as you walk in they're all dirty and stuff you the let's make the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their toy. toy. I so so so so. I's toy. I'm te. I'm toy. I'm toy. I'm te. I'm toy. I'm te. I'm te. I'm the dirty and stuff and you well let's make the most of it you know let's not let's not get down about it it's a holiday it's for a rest and you try and make the most of it and we

had to meet you know like you have one of those things where you get to your destination and the rep says right you know go to 10 o'clock and I'll go through you know the best sort of place to go for camel rides and you know the best feels I can get you. Can anyone here walk like an Egyptian? So she says right tomorrow morning meet 10 o'clock in the discotheque so we get up and we have breakfast and it wasn't a good breakfast the kitchen was like a bit horrible the food wasn't good the discotheque. So we get up and we have breakfast and it wasn't a good breakfast. The kitchen was like a bit horrible the food wasn't good and it was run by sort of midgets. What do you mean it was run not there's any wrong with that? There was little fellas running around and the annoying thing was one of

them sort of started to fancy my girlfriend. How did he manifest his affectionate? You're not saying there's any wrong with Midget, so are you just saying it was strange? Yeah, but even Midget shouldn't be cutting on carpets and the surgery. I know, I know, no. But it's also that thing of, do you know, they've got a little fingers? And it's sort of real, oh no, I'm so sorry. Do you know what I mean? They are nice people and that. Sure. But the annoying thing is... So what was he doing then? How did he... I don't understand how he was chatting up your girlfriend? Was he crawling under the table so you couldn't see?

He just kept... Whisper into her from underneath there. Stop it! Wait, I don't want to get a complaint on our last show. There's not many lichids. Can't this this... Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't thu? Oh, I tho, I thu? I, I tho, I tho, I tho, I, I tho, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I? I, I, was, was, was, was, was, was, was tho? th. Was? Was? Was, was th. Was, was th. Was th. Was th. Was thin. Was thin? Was he thin? Was he tho, I tho, I tho, I tho, I don't tho. tho-I don't tho-I don't tho-I don't tho-I tho- about the Midget theme restaurant then we talk you in we're talking in three months. Yeah it's just fair enough actually. Oh yeah I'm sorry about this producer's head on. Listen we're we're seeing you in about the really it's been a pleasure truly and thank you for everyone that wrote letters have you really have got your both. I got Ricky. You know like. It it it it it it it this this this this this this this this this this this this this th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the th. th. th. the the th. the th. th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's their th. It's their th. It's to to th. It's th. It's th. It's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. We're th. We're th. We're th. We're th. We're th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the to the the to to the to to to to the wee. wee. wee. a present. I've got Ricky, do you know like we've done fables and stuff? Yeah. This is like Mr. Ben. This is brilliant. Right. And it's like little fables that Mr. Ben goes on. Oh fantastic. So I want you to learn something

from that for when you come back. Okay, brilliant. That's lovely. I'll tell you one of the stories I read this morning. It's brilliant. In fact th th th th th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll the. I'll th. I'll th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the me yeah because I haven't finished reading that okay thank you Carl for Steve a little book of chat lines a little book of chart lines that's fantastic thank well we're we're seeing you in three months but currently the man and the car cullish car pilkington he sits in a little room by himself so keep him in touch and we'll see you in August. I'm going to leave you with some of the... we all love. This is there is a light that goes out by the Smith. Very apt, I think. Goodbye.

See you all right.