The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Xfm S2E20 (January 4, 2003)

Episode Date: September 4, 2022

With the second series of ‘’The Office’’ complete, Gervais, Merchant, and Pilkington returned to XFM in August of 2002 to resume their 2-hour Saturday afternoon broadcasts. Though Pilkington’s name was still not being used in promotional materials, the format mainly centered on his contributions with Gervais and Merchant mostly reacting to the various things Karl said and did, a format that would endure through the remainder of the radio broadcasts and podcasts, concluding in 2012.This was the longest stretch of XFM shows, running 51 weeks until August 2003 when Gervais and Merchant again went on hiatus, this time to record the Christmas Special (finale) for ‘’The Office’’.During the year, Pilkington introduced many of the show’s most notable segments including “ Monkey News”, “Rockbusters”, “Songs of Phrase”, and “The Film Thing”, among others. Karl grew increasingly frustrated with Ricky’s antagonism toward him throughout the year, and over the final few shows, suggested he did not want to continue on. Gervais and Merchant repeatedly said on air they would not return if Pilkington didn’t agree to remain with the show.

All right, here we are then. Oh, Scorpio Rising, death in Vegas, on XFM, 104.004. Saturday. Here we are again then. Ricky Jovee, Steve Merchant, Carl Filkin, I can't believe that luck. Oh, all right, Carl. All right, Carl. Yeah, so what are we doing today then? Producer. Right. Right. I'm sorry. I always laugh instinctively when I hear. Oh, all right Carl? Alright. Yeah, so what are we doing today then? Producer. Right, well, sorry, I always laugh instinctively when I hear Carl's name and that word. Yeah, so see it.

Right, well, why is that? Because it is, I had to come up with some new features again for this new year. Okay, I'm excited. What for you come up with some pretty, what's yours first? Alright, go on. Right, well, rockbusters. That's old, that's not a new feature. Yeah, but we'll keep it.

Right. Right. And we're just keeping an old feature. Okay. Okay. ... A. th.............. new idea why don't we just play some records that we like? There's a new idea for 2003. Yeah. Oh you know what we can't Steve? Because the library is out of order oh yeah the record we can't get in there we're not allowed to get in there.

We had to scround something from Capitol Gold. So anyways so we got rock busters. What they're doing with with with with with with with with with with with with with with the the the the the the the the th. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. tho. the the the. the. th we want to play. Is that their new idea? I know, let's get some records in. They're fitting out the Gina G. Yeah, yeah. Fallen on Blon's, goodbye. Give that to Foxy. Go on, sorry, Carl. We'll do, um, we started Do We Need them in 2002. Do we need do we need them? Yeah. We've got a new one, don't we have. Yeah. We've got a that. We've got a that. We've got a that. We've got a that. We've got a that. We've got a that. We've got a that. We've got a new. We've got a new. We've got a new that. We've got a new. We've got a new. We've got a new. We've got a new. We've got a new. We've got a new. We've got a new. We've that. We've that. We've that. We've that. We've that. We've that. We've that. We've that. We've that. We've that. We've that. We've that. We've got a that. We've got a that. We've got a that. We've got a new. Got a new. Got a new. Got a new. Got a new. Got a new. Got a new. Got a new. Got a new. Got a new. Got a new. Got a new. Got a new. Got a new. Got a new. Got a new. Got a new. Got a new. Got a new. Got a new. Got a new. Got a new. Got a new. Got a new. Got a new. Got a new. Got? Yeah. And then the new stuff comes in. Right? As always, I like to sort of get words and tweak them and stuff. Sure. So I was thinking of either doing something with, there's a lot of weird rituals, isn't a lot of weird rituals? Yeah.

There's weird stuff going on around the world. There is, yeah. And I I I I I I I I I I I I I I. And I I I th. And I was the world. There is, yeah. And I was going to tweak that to Rick Chules. Okay, right. Again, started with the title, the pun first, then working out what it is. And then I find some weird stuff. Oh right, so it's specifically what? Just stuff that goes on like, um...Rixtuels? Most of the weird stuff I've heard about happened to you in Manchester in your early years? Well in India apparently it's good to have a flat ed. So the... Again, just flirting, just bordering on the racist but never really gets there.

Go on. Go on. Because there's no hate. There's no hate. It's just stupidity. Go on. What do you mean? It's good to have a flat in India? What do you mean it's good to have a flat in India? We'll talk about it later. That's that's rituals. So if you've hooked a few people, you've hooked a few in, go on. All right, so I'll have that way. So it's essentially like educating Ricky only, it's specifically about rituals. Is that, is that strictly speaking? Okay, so. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's the that's that's their. that's that's that's that's their. that's their. the that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's they. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. that's the that's that's that's the that's that's that's that's that's is all the same because it's people talking. Okay brilliant, brilliant come back. Yeah really not all talking nonsense though. Well that's where we're different go on. Also right I like teaching your stuff yeah and you've done well. So what I'm what I'm thinking is rather than just touching on a topic to sort of giving you a few bits of information and one topic. See this is what I'd like to do because th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. So, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. So, th. So, thin, tho. So, that's tho. that's where that's where that's where that's where that's where that's where that's where that's where that's where that's where that's where that's where that's where See this is what I'd like to because the last thing you taught me I remember was there was a blind girl she at her edge and she could see and

that's all I got. So if you could go into that a little bit more that would have been educating me. Well today we're featuring stuff on World War 1 and 2 right. So that's that little title for all this little thing is, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, that, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's all, that's all, that's all, that's that's all, that's that's that's all, so that's that's that's thi, so thi, so thi, th is, uh, what do you think of that then? What do you think of that then? Play a record. Rick, can I just thought of a joke? What's the similarity between Lord of the Rings and this show? They're both rubbish. Watch that man David Bowie, I feel that insane, my favourite David Barry album. What's yours, Carl?

Yeah, that one's good. Brilliant. So, um, right, we've got rockbusters coming up. Do you want to say what we've got to give away there, Steve? Not really, Rick. Is it really bad? What's the film? What's the featured film's not bad? The featured film's thi is is is is is, I is, I's, I's, I, I, I, I, I, I's, thine, I, thi, I, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that, that, that, that, that, that, thi, that, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's that's that's that's that's tho, thi.. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's say actually you've sold yourself there. Again it's just one of those things where I think what kind of XFM listener would want this particular goodie

bag. I know before Christmas, Carr, you explained that the reason we were giving away. Look Carl's face, he's disgusted because he just said I do a lot of work and get these prizes and I went, no you didn't. He went over to a draw and I'll give that one that one that one that one that one that one that one that one that one that one that one that one that one that one that one that one that one that one. That's that one. That's that that that that that that's that's that's that that that that one of which we're giving away. It's like... Oh no! Yeah, if you'd like Jerry Halliwell's body yoga DVD, then, you know, that's one of the treats you can win. But it does, like, if you notice, if you remember before Christmas he said that he was giving away a kind of bumper pack of gifts that you might want to wrap, and give the various people. One for one for one for a frant. But obviously Christmas is past, I don't know really what your excuse is this time. You eat a lot over Christmas, don't you? Get a bit fat. Fair point. Yeah. So yeah, Jerry

Body Yoga is one of them. The recent, on DVD, the recent series of Wiedersane Pet. Yeah, I think that reaction, could you give me that reaction again? Well no I just... they just give me that reaction again. Yeah, yeah, brilliant. And actually I have to say this this isn't bad at all. This is the very best of the Stone Roses CD-computation show. Well you can't knock that. In fact, I tell you what we should we should play Elephant Stone at some point. Yeah, right. Yeah, right. Yeah, I think this is actually tunes from the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. T th. T th. T th. Tune th. Tune th. This is th. This is thin is thin's thin's thin's thin's thin's th. This is actually thin's thin is actually the is actually th. This is actually th. This is th. This is th. This is th. This is th. This is th. This is th. This is th. This is th. This is th. This is th. This is th. This is th. th. th. th. th. th. th. This is th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the th. the the the the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. what it's like on? On New Year's Day, there's nothing to do. So you're going to see some people doing madness songs? No, I sort of sui's out for a walk, right? Went round Covent Garden, past the place where it was on. The stage door was open, you said madness are all right. When I said madness are all right, because when you think th th th th th th th th th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, I, I thus, I th, I th, I th, I sort sort th, I sort sort sort, I'm, I'm sort thus, I'm, I sort sort tho, I thus, I thus, I thus, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to that, I, I, I, I, I, I th, I th, I sort sort thus, I sort thus, I sort thus, I sort thus, I sort thus, I'm sort thus, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, sort sort tou, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so know I mean? He means they're like a musical yeah and these are by the brown. I thought it's all I enjoyed it. So blur the musical would be good

wouldn't it? Blur the music would be excellent. Yeah and the cockney's flower. You bought tickets there and they just went in and just went in and they're not selling are they? It's fairly it. And would anyone like to come on stage with us? The little bald fella? Yeah, go on I give it a girl. What home are you from? Where are you, what are you doing tomorrow? Well I'm going, I said, no, you're coming here tomorrow? Come here tomorrow?

Was it not, is it not doing well? That's disappointing. maybe that's why it was quiet. Okay well if anyone hasn't seen this or it didn't receive it for Christmas. A bonus said all is quiet on New Year's Day Carl. Um also we've got to give away minority report by Steven Spillard with Tom Cruise which is on VHS. Good writ roaring sort of film that. It's not bad that's probably the best thing we're giving away but as to say we can always leave somewhere if you don't arresting you for the future. to to to to to to to the future you to to to to to the to to the to to to the to to the to to to the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to to to to that that. I that. I that. I that. I that. I that. I that. I that. I that. I to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I the. I the. I the. that's the. I that's the. I that's the. I that's thi the. I thi thi the. that that Brilliant. That's the sort of excitement and drama you'll be getting in it. It's not brand you. I did, I got that of Paul Anderson. He said it is something to watch over Christmas. So you've actually watched this already? Yeah. All right. I've actually watched it already. Yeah. I've watched it. That's probably added to it there isn't. It's touched by the great man himself, Carl Pillton. And it's it it it it it it it it it it it it it it's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's the great. I. I. I. I the great. I've. I've the great. I've the great. I've the great. I got. I got. I got. I got. I got. I got. I got. I got. I got. I got. I got. I got. I got. I got. I got. I got. I got. I got. I got. I got. I got. I got. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I got. I th. I got. I got. I got. I got. I got. I got. I got. I got. I got. I got. I got. I got. I got that. I got that. I got that. I got that. I got that. I got it a wipe down there maybe some tripe on it. Um, bit unrealistic. Sure. A bit unrealistic. Genius. A man who can find people who can see into the future. Whereas our house, that really

happened? Yeah. God. Anyway, prizes are giving away, what's the competition? It's rockbusters? We're still doing rock busters. Oh, well we'll afford to that. Do that in like 15 minutes. I need to say a cold play first. I do, honestly. Really? Oh, beautiful. Carl play. The scientist. I think they wrote that about Carl. Yes. On XFM 104. Right, I'm Ricky Javais, Steve Merchant, Carl Pilkinton. Can I just ask how he got on Christmas?

Because the last time I spoke to him, you hadn't bought a present for your girlfriend. I have to say I was on Tenthal Christmas. Well, you changed it. After that show I felt bad even though I shouldn't have done because... Because you hadn't bought your girlfriend a Christmas present. I said to you, I booked a table at a hotel in Covent Garden, had Christmas dinner there which was nice, right? It's good food and everything. It didn't feel like enough to me. Well then I went out and treated some stuff and then... No, no, no. The, a couple of days before Christmas, he went, he the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. I, I, I, I. I. I, I. I'm, the, the, they. That, they. That, they. That's. That's. And, they. And, they. And, they. And, they. And, they. And, I'm, I'm. I'm. I'm. I he went, I took to Suzanne to that hotel we're going to go to for Christmas dinner

if we had tea and cakes and I went, oh you treated her, he went, no she paid for it. But I was just showing her what it was going to be like. That was her extra treat, she paid for it. I love that. I love that. I love that. Well it was a deer, it was like 150 quid for a meal for two which is pretty dear. So I'm not going to buy a cakes as well. I love that! Alright, love, I'll have anything you want, you pay for them, I'm not mental.

So yeah. So you did, you treat it as some other stuff? Yeah, so she bought, she chose them and you paid for them, but you know, it's not the cat. I got them on my way home that Saturday. Well done. What did you buy? Well just some bits. It might be personal Steve. Well I don't care. Just some bits. What bits? Just little things and then yesterday night. A monkey wrench and a new washer for the shower. Yeah. Yeah. Recordable CDs. That you need for your job. Oh dear. So, now when you gave those prisons to her, did her face light up?

Right, I don't want to tell you what they were, right? But she wasn't that impressed. You're going to tell us what they are. You even know what they are. She told you, that. It doesn't matter. to ask Carl, it's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to. to. to. to. to. that. to. to. to. to. to. to to to to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tha. tho. tha. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. minute. But it doesn't matter what they are. It does matter what we are. It doesn't, it doesn't. It's not. It's you, mate. No, it doesn't matter.

Oh God! If you just remember it? Yeah. Right, but don't, there's no need. I've got to tell him Carl. I really, I really want your permission because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, quite sweet. Yeah but in a way right the way I look at it is right Christmas even when I was a little kid right is not please let me tell him Carl well let me just tell you first let me tell you why I didn't go all out on the

very present from all justify yourself right first of all I've covered it up since then anyway right with that present because I bought up some shoes yesterday and she did say I'll give you the money for them but when I get home I said it's all right I said you can have them right so not only did her buy her some food on Christmas day I got her shoes she's probably had a table and they seem like a horse yeah it's not like yeah there you go there's your shoes there's your food right bed down sit yeah but what I'm saying she's done well this clothes yeah did you comb her hair she's done well this year right so the thing is she's done well this year it's like you're a single parent they've got a council estate with a smack problem and you still managed to buy

her and some Lego when I was a kid it wasn't about what you got I remember one year when it was about eight. I was going to make me cry, isn't it this? No, it's not. I'm just saying the way it is, right? I woke up at about four in the morning and I was like, oh, what's the excitement? the Christmas, in it? It's like, oh, what I got up at 4 in the morning, open my presents, and then went right, I know now, I went back to bed, I had a great sleep. Yes. Right? So it's nothing to do with the excitement of what you get. It's the excitement of what you get, it's the excitement, and not the actual gift itself? So what you're saying to th. th. th. tho th. tho. tho. tho. tho. th. tho. tho. th. tho. thi. thi. thi. thin, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thr-a. thr-a, thre. thre. to to to to to to to to to to to to their. to to their. threa. thr-up, I thr-a. thr-a. thr- brick because the thrill of Christmas is in hoping and being excited about what it is, not the actual gift itself.

Is that what you did? Did you get a brick? No, let me tell him now. What he got. He got her present right and she said, she came and I said, yeah he got me, it was an industrial sized packet of condoms. It was a joke gift. It wasn't a joke.

It wasn't even a joke. I went home that Saturday after the year, pass boots for max something in A, they were on like some value. Right, you passed the makeup. You passed all the other... Pass the makeup, past the lovely vanity cases, yeah,'s the makeup, that's the lovely vanity cases, yeah, the foot spas, yeah, oh hold on, hold on, how much of these love for hundred?

Yeah, 499? Yeah, do I get them reduced if I buy in bulk? So how many did you buy? I don't know, I've probably about 100. Right, okay. And is she allowed to use those with anyone? Did you wrap them? Can she just go out another while? It's what you don't need to, they're already wrapped, aren't they? Oh. And then what did she say?

Whichever, wait, wait, wait, I'm... Come on, what is he? Right, play a record and we'll come back to us. I'm always not. Made famous of course by Jimmy Hendrix, that's all along the watch tower as originally done by Mr Bob Dylan. On XFM 104.9. So Carl, just just take us through the moment where you gave this gift. Firstly, so you went into boots right, you thought, alright, 100 condoms, brilliant. Okay, did you wrap it up? I don't know if it was 100, probably 80.

Right, okay, yeah. You got to go mad, do you know? Wrap them up. I'm just, you know, I'm just resting easy knowing that he's not trying to breed. Yeah. Right. So I got her them, I got her grease on DVD because she's always watching that. Right? Yeah. So I just think of when her mom said, what a car get you?

Some condoms and grease. I was to say I'm glad he said on DVD. Yeah, yeah. She was surprised anyway, right? Yeah, I bet she was. She was thinking like jewelry. No, that showed her? That surprised you, hasn't it?

All right? So hang on, wait a minute, didn't you? You thought it was a holiday, didn't you? Yeah, look at your face! You don't know me at all. So, hang on, so did you give these on Christmas Day? Right, what happened is, she got in from work that Saturday, right? And I said, look under the tree.

Knock her to, at least it's Christmas. At least I'm going to get a little bit. I said, look, you got some stuff under the tree, right? So that's a great, she was a bit, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a bit bit bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a bit, a th. with that. But she said, she was a bit puzzled because I didn't know he had any wrapping paper, right? So I ended up using wallpaper, right? So she said, he had any paper, right? So she said, they had any paper and you were getting in in a bit and I wanted you to have a surprise. So she said, can I have a feel of them? The presents? She thought, right? I didn't the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. I didn't have their th. I didn't have th. I didn't have th. She th. Why, I didn't have th. Why, I didn't have their th. She was, she was, she was, I th. Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, I their. Why, I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I was, I was, I th. I was, I was, I was, I was, I th. I was, I was, I was, I was, I was. I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was a th. She. She was a th. She was a th. She was a th. She was, th. She was, th. She was, th. She was, th. She was, th. She was, th. She was, th. She was a th. She was a th. She was of them? I said, the presents? She thought, right? I've got the right thing. Yeah.

And then Christmas Day. I said, no, don't get carried away. It's nothing really good. You know, we said we weren't going to buy each other much. So there you go, open them. Yeah, go on. Can I just ask, had you thi. present from here yet. Yeah. So what have you received? What do they have? Had some shoes. Nice. Right. Get away game for PlayStation. Nice. I'm just totting up the value of those.

Let's just also think about how much fun and pleasure you get from them. Although, of course, condoms I can see the appeal. Well, see the appeal. But also add to that bit, 150 quid for a meal. I bought some shoes 72 quid. Well. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. th th. Nice. th th th th th th th th th th th. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. th. th. th. Nice. th. th. th. th. Nice. th. Nice. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the game. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. G. I'm. G. G. I'm. G. I. G. G. I. G. I'm. G. I'm. G. G. I'm. G. G. G. I'm the the the the the the the the to that bit 150 quid for a meal. If you're going to start totting up, 150 quid for a meal, I bought some shoes 72 quid. Yeah, that was after the event then. Doesn't matter. All right, so you'd receive these, dare I say, thoughtful and nice gifts. You handed over the box of condoms. They were wrapped up. Go on take us through it. Well, it's not, it. It's, it. It's, it. It's, it. It's, it. It's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not. It's not, it's not, their I's their I'er I'er. their I'er. their I'er. their their their I their their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. It's, it. It's, it. It's th. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. thooooomea. thooooomea. thoomea us through it, walk us through it. Well, it's not something you play with on Christmas morning.

Oh God, oh, right. But when she opened it, what did she say? Well, I wrapped them twice as well, so she thought it was something really good. Extra protection. And then, uh, and uh, so she thought it was something really good. And then, andthen... So the disappointment would be doubled? Yeah, go on, yeah. Then she just opened it and went, oh yeah, what's on the tele? And that was that? What an ungrateful woman that is? Fancy not wanting... I told her. I told her. that the thing about, you know, it's all about the surprise and that, that, in that, that, that, that, that, that, that, tha, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that, that, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, that, that, that, that. Oh, that. Oh, that. Oh, that. Oh, that.'s all about the surprise and that, isn't it? Yeah. What, after she'd unwrapped it? Yeah.

Thoughtful. And she was alright about it. Yeah. She understood. Rick, you know I suggested to him that he buys his girlfriend a gift? I'm worried I've done more damage to get a shopping for yourself. I'm glad it's all over though. It's mental. It annoys me. The whole thing annoys me. And she knows that as well. Yeah. She still insists on having Christmas once a year. Well, well, you know. No, but anyway, what did you get? I can't think what you, what you bring to the relationship?

Carl. I don't know what it is she's getting from you in this relationship. It's like she's doing all the true. Well, yeah. 80 times. Oh, God, Carl. I love it. You're brilliant. I know what she's getting. He's the, he's the, he's the, he's the, he's the, he's the, he's the, not thought thou-hehehe, but, but, but, but, but, he's, he's, he's, he... He's, he. He's, he. He's, he. He's, he. He's, he. He's, he. He's, he. He's, he. the. the, he. the the the the the the, he's, he's, he's the, he's the, he's the, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's the, he's the, he's the, he's the, he's the, he's the, he's the, he's the, he's the, he's the, he's the, he's the, he's the, he's, he's, he. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. the. the. the. the. the. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's the, he's the, he's the, he's, he's, he No, he's thoughtful, it's the best he can do with the brain he's got, do you know what I mean? Right. He's doing his best. He's absolutely doing his best. There's no... He's working at the limit to his powers. Do you know what I mean? He's done as well as he can with what he was given. Sure. I bet his teachers didn't even think he'd get this far. Do you know what I mean? What, find a girl? No, yeah, a job, a girl, do you know what I mean? Clothed himself, he's done really well. What do you think, Carl, you think you've done well? I think I've done all right, compared to some of the mates. What are they? Probably not much. Do you the th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, thi. Clothing. Clothing. Clothing. Clothing. Clothing. Clothing. Clothing. Clothing. Clothing. Clothing. Clothing. Clothing. Clothing. Clothing. Clo, th. Clo, th. Clo, th. Cl. Cl. Cl. Cl. Cl. Cl. Cl. Cl. Cl. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, to, to, to, thi. Yeah, to, thi. Yeah, thi. Yeah, thi. Cloth. Cloth. Yeah, th. Cloth doing all right. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? They have a holiday every year. Got somewhere to live and that. Yeah. Yeah, so.

So where are they then the condoms? Did she show them to her family and friends? No. I'm surprised she told Ricky actually. I was a bit disappointed in that. Yeah. Because I didn't go shouting. He's just so pleased and prayed. All right, play records, we come back to it. No, that's it now. A new Dianos, a morning after, leaning back on my chair in a greasy spook.

Oh, no. Oh, that's it. Street. Don't mug yourself XFN, the tour. Ricky Javais, Steve Merchant, Carl Pilkington, a regular Santa Claus. I'll leave it now, I'll leave it. Oh dear. So rockbusters. Rockbusters, first one of the year. Do you want to explain it?

Okay, so we've got some new listeners. Might have? Might have. You never know. A chance to win some stuff. I give you like a cryptic clue and some initials and it sort of makes up a band so an easy one that we did at the start was an exploding pet, AK atomic kitten. That's how it works. So there's three of them.

It's email only you email in Ricky.Jvace at X of M. UK and you win all that stuff Steve was talking about. Right, first one. $42 pound for a torch. That's a bit pricey. That's D. That's D. Right, right? So, 42 pound for a torch, that's a bit pricey, isn't it? Little bit of enhancement.

Bigging up his grop. Oh, go on, that's D. The second one, he'll fit some chocolate to your feet. Say that again? He'll fit some chocolate to your feet. Is that he will fit some chocolate to your feet? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. He'll fit some chocolate to your feet.

And the initial there is A. That's A. Yeah. And the third third third third third third third third third third thi th you think your kid will get that strawberry for me? Do you think, say it again? Do you think your kid will get that strawberry for me? That's WP. Right, now I'd just better warn people. You really got to get into the mindset of Kawa here. These are not real cryptic clues that you do in the Guardian or the Times Crossword. There's usually something wrong with them. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is, it is, it is, the the the the the the their, thi. It is, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, th, th, th, th, th, th. Do, th. Do, thi. Do, thi. Do, the the the the the the their, their, their, their their their their their their their their their their their their their, do you thi. Do you thi. Do you is thi that you do in the Guardian or the Times Crossword.

There's usually something wrong with them. It's usually, what's the word? Completely change the word in order to make it fit often. So just be careful. Don't be surprised. Exactly. Okay. Do you want to give us them again very quickly? All right, first one, 42 quid for a torch, that's a bit pricey, isn't it? That's D. Second one, it'll fit some chocolate to your feet. I can't think. A. I can't think. That's A. And do you think your kid will get that strawberry for me? Wp? Rikki. to be one. Yeah. Ah.

Ah. Richard Ashcroft, science of silence. Steve, if there was a record of the week, that would be a record of the week. You're a big fan, I know. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Let's make it record of the week. Yeah, that's that's that's record of the week. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. the that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's that's the that's. that's. that's. that's. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the was a record of the week, that would be a record of the week. You're a big fan, I know. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Let's make it record of the week. Yeah, that's record of the week. Richard Ashcroft. Excellent. Science of Silence.

the silence. their psalm. theyn the background going, what are you doing? Mum! We're recording this for XFM! thrown! 104.9, look at your mate and Steve Merchant. Carl, what have you got for us? I'm just thinking the irony is. We're the only people on this station I think who play

who play their own records, aren't we? I know. There's loads of people. But yeah, he's on 3 o'clock in the morning, no one's up. Zoe, on drive, she plays some stuff. What do you mean, what did you play? Fat Boy Slim properly. It's not the remix. You know, I won't say who it's by. Christian plays some of his own. Does he?

Yeah, so. Yeah, so. Yeah, they're probably. He's great and he? Really? Rockbusters is on the way we're getting some good stuff coming in. I have to say I'm amazed. Every answer I've had so far has been correct. I listen to the clues I've got no idea and I know you, Carl. I've spent time with them. Have you seen the XFM listeners?

Well of course they're the same as Carl. Of course you do for New Year? Incidentally. Well, I met, I cocked it up a bit. All right? You're joking. You're joking, mate. Go on. I went and booked a table. You got the wrong day? No, right?

Bucked, booked a table at a restaurant that was shut. Right? I booked a table at a restaurant and the one that I called it wasn't the one the call had been diverted. So Suzanne said, call them up and see what they're serving, right? Because I forgot to do that when I bucked the table, right? That's great anyway. Because the thing is, right, it's a restaurant in Covent Garden, but they got one in Victoria. But when they answered and them up and said, well, you thought he sounded a bit funny. Right? So he thought he sounded a bit funny. Right? So I'm confused car but probably not. No, no. No, they were the

no than you would have been on me. It was a branch of a restaurant. So he ph-weighed So he ph- the restaurant. So he's not, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. So, th. So, th. I, I, I, I was, I's their, I was, I, I, I'm, I, I, I'm th. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I their, I their, I their, I th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm confused. I'm confused. I'm confused. I'm th. I'm confused. I'm th. I'm confused. I'm th. I'm confused. I'm th. I'm confused. I'm th. I'm tho. I'm confused, I'm their, they say, no, no, no, Victoria. Why can't we know the restaurant? I don't know why. It's not libelous. Are we scared that like, are you scared people are going to sort of see you in there because it's your regular home? No, it's just like, you know, you've got to pay for stuff, right. I won't mention the before New Year, but it's not in. So, so. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, the, th. So, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are. th. th. th. th. th. Are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are. Are. Are. Are. Are. Are. Are. Are. Are. Are. Are. Are. Are. Are. Are. Are. Are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are you. Are we. Are we scared. Are we scared. Are we. Are we scared. Are we. Are we scared. Are, are the restaurant again? Right, the restaurant is called Christophers. They've got one in Covent Garden, they've got one in Victoria. He phoned up, he wanted a book, he said lovely restaurant, I've been there off and I recommend it to him, he phones up, he said, can't have a table for no, uh, and he said no, they've got any haddock on the menu and he went hello and they went hello Christopher's Victoria went Victoria they went yeah he went oh no that's it and so then I just said no forget it I'm not going to the other

right so I called up Suzanne said look I've made an error the place we were going to was surprised again or so we're not going so she said oh try some other places and they did they were all booked up the right right right right right right right the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to too. I too. I was too. I was to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to go. I was to go. I was to go. I was to go. I was to go. I I I was to go. I I I I I I was to go. to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they. I was they. I was they. I was they. I was they. I was they. I was they. I was. I was they. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was the the the said, oh, try some other places and I did. They were all booked up, right? I was fed up anyway, I ate New Year, it's always like this, isn't it? So, I said, look. You know the common factor in all these stories? You hate Christmas? It's you.

It is you. Right. So, I said, I'll sort of, I went to Tesco, got a lovely plate of condoms. Did you just stay in and play with her and birthday? Blowing him up. Look, look, because I've done some balloons. Well, it was, I think we did stay in. And I watched that thing, you know, under greatest moments, which was annoying me. Did you see, um, there was a nudist on it.

You know how I feel about them. Yeah. Did you see see? Man with two knobs. There was a man with two knobs on it. And a nudist who, just like, wonders about the house. But it said, he said, and when he visits people, I was thinking, who'll go let's him visit?

Exactly, yeah. But you must go there with you what annoyed me the most, they had a white sofa. If you were a nudist, you'd get a darker one. Right? So anyway, right, so we ended up watching that. That annoyed me. And then, I was tired by about 11, and I said, oh, thatthe fact that because it's New Year, you've got to stay up and it's like, oh why? You should bring it forward. So in case you want to know the ten. Quarter ten.

Well you stay up and it's like my eyes were dead heavy and I was like, I want to go to sleep. So just stay up and then it's midnight and you go. Sorry, are you 86 years old? You never seem to have any fun, Carl. This is what disappoints, this is what worries me. I feel like you're going to die young. You're here, Carl. With us two, we've got three. As I was just saying to Steve, three of the greatest comedy minds ever in one room,

and Steve pointed out since the goodies. True. Do you know what I mean? It should be part of central. Yeah. So anyway, right? So this is when I spent time thinking of new ideas. Right. So that's when I came up with, uh, what did I come up with, rituals? Yeah. This is about, uh, it's good to have a flathead in India. Is that it? Well what they do is they they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it should th, it should, it should, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it should should should should should should should should should should th, it, it, it, it should th, it should th, it should th, it should th, it should th, th, th. It should thi, thi, thi, thi, the, thi, thi. It should should the, the. It should thi, the. It should be thi, it should be the, it should be the, it's good to have a flat head in India. Either just pass it. Yeah. It's good to have a flat head in India. Is that it? Well what they do is they put wood around your head and sort of clamp it and the flatter the ed the more attractive in some part of India, I can't remember.

So that's like a ritual. So I don't know where the first one was it? That's that for this week! Right? We've also got, we've also got, do we need them? Which we've carried on from last year, which is finding out, you know, what animals we need in the world, which ones we can get rid of? I'm talking to experts and that, finding that out. We're doing rockbusters, that's on the way we're getting emails in. And, uh, Ward do you think of that then? Ward do you think of that then, of course? I love this, that he treats his show like it's a checklist for what he's got to pack for holiday.

You know what I mean? It's just go, suncream, yeah. It's all like, it's done. Look, look his face. and go that's interesting I'll tell my mates that in the pub. Another one I'm thinking of doing. Do you know the film Around the World in 80 Days? Oh. Around the world in 80 Javais and what I do I give you like little things like little bits of information about countries so that if you go you'd go like oh I don't want to go there. This is telling the same, I apologise. I can't think of the PC word for it. But I think Carr is slightly retarded. Yes. I was just thinking the same, yeah.

Yeah. Is this what we can do about that? Just play a record. Just keep the- Could we get ourselves registered as a charity? Bally drawn boy born again On XFM 104.9 I was just looking to see if that's a new single it looks like it probably is really effective interest. It's a new one. Yeah. So well first of our regular features with Kyle we've got rockbusters that's rolling there's people coming in they're getting them right I don't, I don't understand

as well as ever Rick you'll be amazed and confounded. So I don't know the answer and I haven't looked at the answers, I just like that moment. It's like when you go down Christmas and you're excited about a present and it's like some condoms. I mean, I love, I love. That, that. All I can think of is some corn plasters. Um, right. It's all I love. The batteries are included. Got you a pumice stone. Right, now, do we need them?

It's something we've started a few weeks ago. We're always talking about animals and insects and that. And it's like, you know, if you took an animal out of the world, would we have problems? Would it make any difference? Yeah, would it make any difference? We did jellyfish last time, didn't we? Yeah, we sorted that out? The woman said we've got to keep them. We do need them because turtles eat them. Yeah.

Um, so I've moved on. Octopus. whether we need them or not, right? Right? I'm finding out whether we need them or not, right? Right. Because like, jellyfish, to me, I'm a bit puzzled by him I don't really know why we need jellyfish and I spoke to some experts. What? Turtles eat them? Yeah I know but do we need turtles? Do you know I mean it goes on and on don't they?

It needs humans? Well you know I mean I might get to that bit but I need to to sort out the animals first so I've got a lot on so the thirty th is th is th is th is th is th is stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff. the thin thin the thing thing thing thing thing thing thing thing thing thing we know we need them, right? So octopus, yeah. Right, I know they're pretty brainy. Incredibly brainy. A story that I heard, I don't know if it's true, but there was some sign slab somewhere, right? Yeah. Where they had some octopus in it, and they had some crabs. And at night, the octopus, the octopus, the the octopus, the octopus, the octopus, the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their they had had had had had had had had had had they had they had they had they had they had they're they had they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're their.eck.eck. they're their. thee. thee. throwneck. theck. theigh. throwne. thee throwne. thranny. I're pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty brinke. they and they sort of come alive in the dark don't they? They like the dark and the octopus had like had its eye on the crabs and at night when it's dark it was

getting out of its little cage crawling along the floor getting in the crabs cage getting them out and eating them. I don't doubt it we put jam jars with the lids on with crabs in and they'll open the jam jar and... You're joking? Yeah. You're nice sometimes struggle with them. Yeah, we don't do it really, really tight. Oh right, so they're not that clever then. Well, they would, if they were strong enough, they'd open it but just not that strong. Oh that's mad. Right, I also know if if if if if if if if if if if if if they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're if if if if if if if if if they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they they they they they they're they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If. If, they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're I also know that if they get hungry they eat their own legs. Yeah? Yeah? Yeah. The death? Well I don't know. I don't really know. I mean they don't live very long. They can squash themselves into small jugs.

Oh yeah, they can go in a demijohn through the narrow neck and that. Why do they need to do that? Because they're the sort of cre cre cre cre cre cre cre cre cre cre cre cre cre cre cre cre cre cre cree they be they be they be they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they the they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they their their their their their their the. the. the. theeeeeeeeathea the. theeeee. tho. theeeeeee. they're they're they're they they they they that? Because they're the sort of crevices and holes that they're hunting for crabs and things through. So would they be better if they were smaller? Do you know what I mean? I don't know. I really don't know. Yeah. But octopus then, if Noah said to you, you know, we're having a clear out. We've got too many animals to look after and that in the sea, taking up too much room. Do we need them? I think there's other less useful things in the sea than octopus. Limpots they could go. Limpets? Yeah, they just sit on a rock and do nothing for 50 years. But they're not getting in the way, how big are they? Well, they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not getting in the way then. How big are they? Well, not very big. Yeah, you see, I might come round to them, but I never think, oh, you know, I'm sick of seeing these limpets.

Whereas octopus, you know, crawling about, opening jam jars and that. You'd never see them, though. The Priory is really rare. Wow. We get two or three quarter a year's a you know it's quite amazing. Do we need them? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah. Well we'll logic break down I know even the scientist was going well get rid of Limpitz. Yeah, yeah, he's a scientist is he? Yeah, I think he's got a fish shop or something like that? I think he's got a fish shop or something like that? He's got a fish. No, he's got a fish? No, he doesn't he? I'm like an aquarium type place. Oh, oh right. So, the fish shop? And he, he, he, he, he's? And he's? And he's? Yeah, he's? Yeah, he's? Yeah, he's? Yeah, he's? Yeah, he's? Yeah, he's? Yeah, he's? Yeah, he's? He's? He's? He's? He's? He's? He's a the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the? Yeah? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He's? He's? He's? He's? He's? He's? He's? He's? He's the the th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's the the the the the the the the the something like that. He's got a fish. No, he doesn't. It's like an aquarium type place. Oh right. So. The fish shop. It wouldn't be asked him that he, uh,

a winkle store. He's got a winkle store of Paul Arva. Yeah, that's an ex-prote. Oh, dear. What if you learned from that then? Well, we don't know whether they're deaf or not because the scientists, the bloke in the chip shop couldn't confirm it. They eat their own legs. That's a bit weird.

They eat their own legs. They get hungry. Right. And they grow back, don't they? I think so, yeah. If you eat one, I'll grow back. If you they're, if you, if you, if you, they, if you, they, they, they, they, they, if you, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they'll, they'll, they'll, they'll, they'll, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're, they're. they're, they. they're, they're, they're, they're, they're. They. They, they're, they're. They. They're, they're they're they're they're they're th. the. the. theat. theat. theat. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're them in little jars and that if you wanted to. Yeah. It's just a bit weird, isn't it? It's like, no, but do you not, like, you know, people have a go about being cruel to animals and that, but what he was saying there is, right, what they've watched an octopus do, they've got all of a crab, right? So that will be

being stressed out because it's out of the water. They've then stressed it out even more by putting it in a jar, which he didn't like, and then an octopus is crawling about on the jar, and the crab knows that the octopus wants to eat it, right? So then it's having more frets because of that, and then they let the octopus eat it. Yeah. I think that's that's pretty... Do we need crabs? Do them next week, yeah? Well I want to sort out snails first. Right. What's your pitch for snails? What do you know about snails? I know that bats eat them. Um, I know that bats eat them. Um, they can sleep for 13 years. Right. Oh he did he to believe that. He said to me, he said to me, he said to me, snail can sleep for 13 years and I went, right, he went, oh the thing is though, if it was a scientist and he was looking at it, and he put it in a quiet place, it might well doze off.

He said it wouldn't be the same if it lived on the streets and then we went on to a whole thing about homeless he wants to do a game show with celebrities being homeless for a week. What do you think? Actually I've got to say that's not bad at it? No. Do you know how Lenny Henry went made slippers out of a bra, right? So I'm thinking like get a celebrity and say to him, no just be cold, I tell you why, right? I tell you why all this came about, when I was walking back from that Christmas meal that I bought my girlfriend for 150 quid. Lest we forget. I was walking down Mortimer Street and there was an homeless fellow there and it was like, oh, you know, it's really, really bad. But the weird thing is, it was about, I don't know,

probably about 8 o'clock. No, about 9. About 9, right? And he was asleep. And I just thought, do homeless people ever think, you know, I'll have an early one, right? That's what got the the th th th th th the th, I th, I th, I th, I was, I the th, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it's, it's, it, it's, it's like, it's like, it's like, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it's th. It's th. It's like, it's like, th. It's like, oh, th. It's like, oh, th. It's like, th. It's like, oh, thi. It's like, oh, thi. It's like, it's like, it's one tonight? Right? That's what got me thinking it's a bit weird the whole lifestyle of it. The fact that he had an early life. The fact, what, what, if it's weird that he's sleeping, not in a home, but on the street? No, it's just that if I was homeless, I probably stay up quite late. Because it's not nice. What are you trying tha tha thiiiii thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, what thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that's that's weird, that, that, the the the fact, the fact, the fact, the fact, it's the fact, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's the fact, it's, it's the fact, it's the fact, the fact, the fact, the fact, the fact, the fact, the fact, the fact, the fact, the fact, the fact, the fact, the fact, the fact, the fact, the fact, the fact, the fact, the fact, the fact, the fact, the fact, the fact, the fact, the fact, the fact, the fact, it's the fact, it's the fact, it's the fact,? Just being homeless isn't a good thing, is it? People forget how bad it is. Right?

But surely sleeping gets you out of reality. They sleep because they're tired, they can't sleep very well, so they need all the sleep they can get. Yeah, but sleeping's nice if you've got a nice big bed. What do you think that they can go, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, tha, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th get, th get, th get, that, the, the, the, the, their, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that I was thinking right? So I was thinking how bad it is and it's you know especially this time of the year you know. Yeah it's terrible it's the worst thing and to sort of give it some publicity and get a bit of help behind it get celebrities someone like Phil Mitchell maybe off of his thenders who's a big fellow you can look after himself, put him in a shop doorway, have some cameras set far away in a building or something, they can film him, and it's

up to him how he raises money for food to eat. He could sign autographs. Well they wouldn't know him though would they because you never look at a homeless person. What's her name? Gail Porter, Gabby Roslin, inda from Big Brother, who else would do it? I got a game show idea called On the Game. And what happens here? You get Narindia from Big Brother. Sugar Kane, Sonic Youth on XFM, Winn a 4.9. Rikagevay, Steve Merchant, Carl Pilkington.

Go on, Carl, what's next? Do you do your war feature? What is it called? War, do you think of that then? You do that now? I just, it annoys me a bit, right? Because we said before Christmas that we'd come back with new stuff. Yeah.

Um, gave you a title to work on that Rickidiculous. Right. You came in today, I said, have you sorted it out. You're saying no. Steve, you're having to get me for getting, wanting to get music out of you. Yeah, you haven't got any new ideas. But you're dissing mine? I'm not dissing yours. Well, I'm a massive fan of them. Good vibe off you. I think that's very harsh. I just asked you when were we going to have war? Do you think of that?

I'm a big fan, I'm excited. Well, it's not that good, to be honest, with you. Well, all right. The world champion chess player, he helped someone out in the war. It's the detail I like. It's nearly a history programme, isn't it? I was watching those repeats of the world at war that were on in the mornings, you know, incredibly detailed, they've got nothing on car. Did you write a lot of that David Sharma series?

He was able to use his skills that he has to play chess because apparently chess is all about probabilities of like where a piece will be put. Right. And they said can you help us out he said yeah and he said right where should we like Hitler has just moved his queen yeah yeah yeah yeah he said in a bishop that ran diagonally through the troops knocking him over sorry wait a minute call so they got a chest so that's it well yeah it's just like oh what you think again that's not a story but it angers me that that the the they he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he the the the the the the the the the the the they they they they they they they they they is is they th is they they is they they he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they he he he he he he he he he he he say he say he say he say say say say say say say say say say say say say he said he said he said he said he said he said he said he said is so so so so so they is so they is so they is so th is so they is so th of the the the! Well yeah. It's just like, oh, what are you thinking of that?

Again, that's not a story! But it angers me that he says that I'm down on the ideas when that? I mean, that's beginning to shape. I was quite interesting. I thought you were going to tell me which the middle bit. A six years worth? Yeah well probably about a bit... Guessing? Guessing? Well alright yeah there is a bit of guesswork but it does matter. That could have been an interesting thing if you told me had an impact on the normalty of these things. Do you go bloke wants help chest? Oh I use that and run away from the computer? No, I read the first line where I get enough information. What do you mean you read the first line where I get enough information. I just think... What do you mean you read the first line where you get enough information?

Imagine if you were someone's defense lawyer? And he was like, he's on death row, I went, I don't think he did it. Yeah. I read the first line, I didn't read the file completely. He was in a hotel in Texas, right? Go on. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's like. It's like. It's enough. It's like. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. It's enough. Yeah, I just thought they always took ages on deciding where to go. It's just like, you know, bet there's a better way. I don't know what you're saying now, I don't know what you're talking about. Actually don't know what you're talking about. People play

thaust they take ages to make the move. So I'm just thinking, there's probably a quicker way. the thattha' their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their's their's their's their's their's their's their's probably. I's probably their's probably their's probably there's probably their's probably. I'er. I'm there's a better. I'm there's a better. I'm there's a better. I'm there's a better. I's a better. I's probably there's probably there's probably. I's probably. I's probably. their their their their their their their their their their that. I's a better. It's a that. It's that. It's that. It's that. It's that. It's that. It's a better. It's a better. It's a that. It's a better. It's a better. It's a th. It's a better. It's probably. It's a th. It's probably. It's a better. It's probably. It's a that. It's a that. It's a chess player in. I don't know what you mean now. Are you talking about battleships now? They should have got an expert battleships player in. Yeah, yeah. What, I can't, forget that one. Or someone who's really funny, but what is that? But what is that? What is that? What are you telling me there? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. If ever there's a murder in a country house. Do you think they use that old Chinese fella on the front of mastermind? Mastermind, yeah. Yeah, for logic problems. The Enigma code was broken by top mastermind players. Right. Second fact. A guy who had a couple of ranz of Yahtzee and done very well. Yeah. For engineering they use a couple of reins of Yatsy in doing very well. Second fact about the war. For engineering, they use a lot of Jenga players to do it. Will the building collapse? I don't know, let's pull this, let's see.

Yes it will. If they wanted to identify, uh, what are you doing? If they want to identify spies, bring me the champion of guess who? Was it warm with glasses? Right, Carl, sorry, go on. Another war fact. So you're saying it's rubbish, well look, you love that. Yeah, right? The first bomb that was dropped on Berlin.

Yeah. It didn't kill a person, but it killed an elephant. I think that's true. That is true. Right. Okay. And the last one. Is that all you know about that? That's true. Right. Okay. Um, and the last one. Is that all you know about that? See that's interesting, isn't it?

Well, it's enough. But no, it's not enough. It's not enough. No, because, I mean, listen, most want to go, oh, what was the elephant? Oh, what was the elephant? Was it a lothis favourite elephant? Did it then have one ball? I mean these are the things, you know, why didn't he catch it with his trunk? Did it have an effect on German morale? Yeah. Oh that's elephant, it's good put! Oh jumbo!

I don't want lost. Charing breaks, pain killer on XFM. aren't you? No, I just, you know, got to keep focus, got to keep the show good and that. Yeah. You know, and in the new year the idea was come up with some good snappy stuff. Yeah. And today I just think it's been a mess with you to be honest. I mean this is a sort of thing I'd prefer to do after the show as the producer. Yeah. But, you know what, I think it's a, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I the, the, the, the the, the the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the the the the the th. the the. the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, the idea, it because I just put cellar tape on your head? Well, that's a bit to do with it. But just, you know, let's just focus on... But I didn't put it when there was any hair on your eyeballs. I put it across your forehead. Right. What do you think of that then?

Yeah. We've got one more bit left. Brilliant. One more fact. The French, right, when they were at war. David Schaum, I just imagined him just introduced it. Amazing. Which war was this? It was still the World War? One or two. Go on. Go on. It's 50-50, go on. Yeah. Yeah. Right. World War two. What the French did, everyone needs a code.

Everyone needs a code. A code, when you're in the army. This is a Disney song. Right. And, you know, to sort of give the go ahead if you want to go into battle and stuff. Okay. So, uh... Everyone needs a code.

But the weird thing is, the weird thing is, do you know what theirs was? Go on. Do you? Yeah, yeah, I know what it is. So what was the French code? For what? To sort of say right, yeah, go on. But they had more than one? On this day. But I don't know what day it is? Ha ha ha. On this day. It's like I said, what am I thinking of? What was the battle? What was the... Okay, so all right. Look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, the, the, the, the, the,? What was the battle? What was the... Okay, so alright, look at him, look he's genuinely confused that I've asked this question. Right. It was... No, no, no, if you asked me a question, ask me the question correctly. What was the code for battle, during what battle?

World War too. No, that's not a battle. Yeah, it was wasn a war, yeah. I don't know what to do. He confuses people. All right, okay, what was it, Carl? What was the... What was the French code? What was the French code? Right. John's got a mustache. What are you talking about? That was a code that the French used, you know, like... I just think it's a bit tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha thi tha thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thate the' to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a thi. that's a that's a the. that's a that that that that that that that. that. that, you know like, I mean I just think it's a bit daft,

right? Because you could come up with that by mistake. Yeah, yeah, do French folks talking in the trenches and they see a major walk past and they go, look, John's good a moustache and they all going, no, I was just talking. What are you talking about? Well, the way, the way, the way, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that, that, that, that, tho, that, thus, that, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. Because, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thou, thou, that, thou. tha, thou. tha. tha. thoua. tha. tha. thoua. tha, tha, tha, Well the way I don't think that's a good code. I'm not I don't believe it is the code. No it is seriously. I want would it have been would it have been said in French? Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but what you say I can't even be bothered. What what are you saying Carl because it's not a very good code? Do you know why we've talked in the past about you know things you don't see and I said an old man ain't a twix? Yeah, if they use that, that wouldn't, that's safe because no one is ever going to see

a man having an old, you know, an old man having a twix. What do you mean? Well like the walls kicked off. Why did that happen? Well, I said John had a moustache. Oh. I do think folks would never be saying John's got a moustache. Why would they? Because back then they were fashionable. He nearly makes sense, doesn't he? I assume it would have been Jean. Yeah, no, probably John. And how would this, how would this code have been, I mean who would have announced this to everyone? I read it like that, Steve, that's what was on the internet. This is a code that was used. John's got on the flash. But don't be angry with me? I know, but you're always asking questions. That's because I'm interested in bloke calm. We'd like to know what I'd like to film you secretly. You know like they do like Nature Watch when they put it in a, like a, you know, I mean,

badgers sort of thing, man. And they just, they just watch it. I'd like to see what you do, pop her around and say, hmm, hmm, I wish I could download the music in your head. Because it would be wha, wha, what, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, you, you, you, you, you, you, wha, you, you, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, wha, like, wha, wha, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, I, I, what, I, I, they, what, what, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, rot, you go, rot, and then you read that and you go, and you write it down and that's what comes out. John's got on mystaff. I'd like to see next Christmas. Imagine the French, right, for their battle cry, for their battle code to know it's going ahead, they're going over the top, isthink in my head. Keep them in there!

Do you know like before, before when I was talking about going out on, you know, Christmas Day, having a meal on the way about seeing a homeless person. And then I think, God, that wouldn't be good. I know, TV show, right? You can't think of to sleep in my car. What do you mean? Go on? Let's play a record and come back to any sleeping in the car. I can't wait. I was watching last night on cable TV, 1987's amazing sign of the Times Prince in concert film. It was Dynamite.

I thought myself how brilliant he is. It reminded me of the gig parade. Okay, I don't want to discuss whether or not Prince is acceptable on XFM or whether he's a genius. He's a genius. That's the end, that's the end of the discussion. Play the tune, he's done a migh. It's a song for the names. I remember John?

Do you remember John? Don't... it's not on! It was... The battle's not on! Look at your face, Carl. The elephant did die. Yeah, no, I'm a bad. Yeah. Sometimes it snows in April from the lovely Prince. Brilliant. He doesn't always have to get up and have a rock about. You can just sit there at the piano. You can't argue with that.

After the break, Steve, a brand new feature I've just done. That's Rickadiculous. That's Rickadiculous. You see, you say Ricka Jemese doesn't put any work into this show. I'm going to to that that thahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to say the the to say the the the the the the to have a tho tho the. the. the. th. too-a-up, to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have th. He up up th. He up th. He th. He th. He to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the theat theat the the the thea. the thea'a'a'eat the the the the the the the I'm going to tell Carl some amazing facts from the world of science nature politics. Four are real. One is absolutely rickety-dick dickeriky-dickleas. Cat Stevens from Catch Bullet 4 album. Cat Stevens from Catch Bullet 4 album. Sitting. A little interesting fact for the nerds. We got it down to two songs to do this intro music to the office. It was that one and Handbags and Gladwags

we went for Handbags and Gladwag's we went for, how much interesting that. It is a fascinating fact, except of course we want, I still feel we should use that one except except we couldn't because Cat Stevens's too expensive. I don't know, we recorded. So I still prefer that one that was too expensive. Yeah. Difficult. Difficult. Decision. Anyway, that's Rick ridiculous. Right. Five facts. Right. One is totally made up. All right. Just do three. Three. Oh, well there's, okay, right. Um. Oh, let's see. What should I do then? There are more moves, carefully players.

There are more moves possible in a game of chess and there are particles in the universe. You can't get any colder than liquid nitrogen. I think it's minus 273. You can't, it's impossible to get cold than that. The honey badger has got skin so loose that if you grabbed it by the neck it could come away from its skin turn around and bite you out of its anus. That's ridiculous. Right rock clusters then, wrapping it up. It needs some work that game but I see he's got a lot of my age. Uh huh. Right, here we go then the first one. Forty two pound for a torch that's a bit pricey. Go on. That was Dee. That was Die. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. then, the first one, £42 for a torch, that's a bit pricing. That was D, that was Deer Light, that was Deer Light, that was Deer Light, it doesn't work.

Second one. Wait, no, wait, wait, it doesn't work. It's D-Light. It's D-Light. It's D-Liight. No, no! Carl! It doesn't work! Yeah, but if we're going to continue with this feature, you've got to tweak them a bit, right? People have got it, we've had loads of emails more than ever, so, do you know what I mean? Let them decide. If they don't like it, they won't email in, but they're loving it. They've all come from the same institution. Oh, oh my God. He'll fit some chocolate to your feet. That was A. That was Aerosmith. You've heard of a blacksmith. But a smith is just a workman.

It doesn't mess up. No, you can have anything. You'd have a locksmith. Asmith doesn't just mean it does shoes. Right. Do you think your kid will get that strawberry for me? That's Wilson Pickett. Wilson Pickett. Have you got a winner? I have to say that I don't know if these guys have won in the past but they were the first people

to email in. They, I mean normally I just give it to anyone, but these guys, literally you've given the clues car. I'm amazed everyone seemed to get Aerosmith. Everyone got Delight, everyone got Wilson Pickett. I'm absolutely stunned. I just I you know they deserve it. They just do it the junk. Prises. So we'll give it to Jonathan and Louise who as I say may have won in the past but as as I say they were very very quick you got them if you want to to their.... their. their. to to to to to their. to to to to to to to to to to to their. their. their. to their. their. their. they. they. they. I they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're to to to to to to to to to to to their. I. I. I their. I their. I their their their they. I they. I'll they. I'll they. I'll they. I'll they. I'm they. I'm their their their. I'm they're they're their the past but as I say they were very very quick you got to be them if you want to win and they're from rexum. So good luck to them. So that's that they enjoy you a Jerry's yoga diet. Back next week then. See you later. Cheers. Cheers.