The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Xfm S2E22 (January 18. 2003)

Episode Date: September 4, 2022

With the second series of ‘’The Office’’ complete, Gervais, Merchant, and Pilkington returned to XFM in August of 2002 to resume their 2-hour Saturday afternoon broadcasts. Though Pilkington’s name was still not being used in promotional materials, the format mainly centered on his contributions with Gervais and Merchant mostly reacting to the various things Karl said and did, a format that would endure through the remainder of the radio broadcasts and podcasts, concluding in 2012.This was the longest stretch of XFM shows, running 51 weeks until August 2003 when Gervais and Merchant again went on hiatus, this time to record the Christmas Special (finale) for ‘’The Office’’.During the year, Pilkington introduced many of the show’s most notable segments including “ Monkey News”, “Rockbusters”, “Songs of Phrase”, and “The Film Thing”, among others. Karl grew increasingly frustrated with Ricky’s antagonism toward him throughout the year, and over the final few shows, suggested he did not want to continue on. Gervais and Merchant repeatedly said on air they would not return if Pilkington didn’t agree to remain with the show.

The Flaming Nips, Yoshimi battles the pink robots on XFM 104. I'm Ricky Jaze, with me is Steve Merchant and Carl Pilkington. Good morning. I'm going to be honest, I'm going to own up straight away. I've done very little work towards this show this week. I'm a little bit busy. Yeah, yeah. So I apologize if it sounds a bit... Thanks for being honest honest though, well no, I don't, you know, I don't want people to go, oh no, that was a bit shoddy this week. I hope it's not going to be like every week. So it is because I've done very little preparation. So, you know, where it's normally, you'll probably have to help me out. to do some of the work. Carrier, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, th. th. th. tho, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, to, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th. th. th. th. th. th. that, th. that, that, that, that, that, that, I, that, I, I, that, I, that, that, I, that, I, that's, that's, that, I, that's, that, I was, that, that, that, that, I mean, Steve's done nothing towards it either. So the only this is on you a little bit here. I have the fact that it's still listed as either Ricky Javais or Ricky Javais and Steve and Merchant.

Essentially we don't need to be it really. No, but I know now people listen for Carl. Everyone I've spoken to, you know, people onthe other day and you know they go people on buses I've never been on a bus for like 12 years yeah people on buses I don't know why I find that so funny I just know the idea of you well I'm not on a bus they're shouting out from the window they're going I love car right I'm walking along how much is it on the bus? 20 pence. No, come on, seriously, how much is it? Uh, one adult determiners, please? I love the

you know, they do that thing where like, if they're interviewing, like, 50, 60 P? No, it's a quid? They always say how much is a pint of milk? And that's supposed to prove if you're still in touch with your roots or whether you're too big a celebrity. You've got no idea how much it costs on the bus. Quid? It's not a quid. One-twenty? No, it's not 120. Point a milk, about 50. 30 p.

Oh, brilliant. Oh, brilliant. Oh, because are you, you know, Ricky seems a bit obnoxious. Who says that? No, they say, you know, only, no, who comes up to you and just says that? A guy on the tube, did it? I swear to the guy, he came up. He said, he said, I was watching interview, he said, he said, he two things you know it's sort of my job talking and being interviewed essentially you do have to talk yeah about yourself if that's his only

criticism then I'm not too bad no you think know if he's listening. He's no big as fan. I'll tell you what, Mock Turtles, need a remix by Fat Boy Slim, don't they? Mock Turtles? It's a great tune, but I'd have to hear it. Yeah. Yeah. Remixed by Slim. Yeah, XFM, 104.9 of Rikage of A's, Steve Merchant and Carl Pilkington. Ooh, stuff to do what's going on. It's just been to talk about and that. Oh, before you came in. Oh, you saw it, didn't you? That experiment I was doing with the...

An experiment? Yeah. Well, all I know is as I walked in the building I passed the little kitchen area, you were hitting Carl on the head with a tin tray? Didn't it make a good noise? It was a great noise. But I wanted to explain more about the experiment. Well I wanted to see how hard I could hit him and make it resonate, right? Before I either caves your skull in or you had to hold it quite loose so it could like vibrate but you had to grip it hard enough to give it a good whack and his head's brilliant for hitting stuff on he wouldn't. It is perfect. Can't we recreate that moment a bit later on the radio? You'll notice that he'd been on for 15 minutes I haven't said a bit of an effect on me. Still a little bit shaken.

Oh dear. But yeah, do it again later. We were talking about your head a little bit earlier, won't we? It's not going to mean that you're sort of a bit fuzzy thinking, is it? Ah, I'll be all right. So... Can we recreate that later? Let me just hit you on the head with various objects see which make the best sound. It's a talking about time out, I said something like in time out and he went, yeah, do you read

that? I went, yeah, I read it every week, yeah. He went, uh, it's no point though, is it? It's like a telephone directory. You know, if's interesting point he went although I did when I was in Scotland I just looked up how many Macs they were and there was 42 pages of them how bored are you in your hotel room in Scotland to suddenly start working out how many people start with Matt did you did you were saying the room you there is nothing else that you can think of the working it's when we did the show, waiting to sort of go out and get some food and that. Sat there. Why were you waiting to go out and get some food? Because we were all going to meet up, we're going to meet up with, you know, we signed on. So you thought I'm not going to switch the TV on, I'm not going to read the magazine. Telly was on, I'm looking around, no the the the to to their nothing, I to to to to to to to their nothing, I to to to to their nothing, I to to to to their nothing, I to to to their nothing, I to to to to to to to to to to to their, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why. Why. Why. Why. Why, why, why. Why, why. Why, why. Why, why. Why, why. Why, we. Why, we. Why, we. Why, we. Why, we. Why, we. Why, we. Why, we. Why, we. Why, we. Why, we. Why, we. Why, we. Why, we. Why, we. Why, we. Why, we. the, we? Why, we're the, we're the. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th.. He remembers a specific biscuit he had. That's fantastic!

I had a couple of them and then looked around, there was a Bible and I thought, well I know about that. There's nothing in that I don't know. So I got the phone book up and I immediately thought there's a lot of Mac this and Mac that in Scotland, Macintosh, Macdad's. Maceteer, this loads of names, so I thought, I wonder how popular it is. How popular it is? 42 pages of Macs. Did you count how many pages they were? Yeah.

And did you just work out from the numbers on the page? theymeat, or did you literally counted? I counted. I counted. And how many names they get on one page. How long did it take you this whole procedure? What was the counting? Not that long?

Not that long in two pages. Yeah, it's not much. They're all together, luckily. Once you digested that information, what did you do with that information? Do you tell people when I mean, look, how long, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, how, how, how, how the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, how long, how long, how long, how long, how long, how long, how long, how long, how long ta, how long ta, how long ta, how long ta, how long ta, how long ta, how long ta, how long ta, how long their the their their the biscuit. I love to get in his head. I imagine it's a big warehouse and there's lots of partitions for weird stuff like kids born with tentacles and things like that. I imagine there's like quite an old caretaker and you go in there so I'm looking for that he goes hang on I put that somewhere. Hang on I put that somewhere. Is this the one when they shaved the cat? No he's not shaving. I's cat. This is the Max. The Max... Oh, you know, Scotland, the shortbread. Well, don't give me the shortbread because that's putting me off.

But, um... The Watson name, though? Do you remember last week? Do you remember last week? I tell the week, found a good story out about a monkey, which I'll told Ricky a little bit about it. Tell me, come on, tell it now. No, no, no, that's tease me with this. It sounds exciting stuff. No, so that's got them, right?

So we'll be doing that. We've got, we've got rock buster's again to the them? Yeah. What are you trying to get rid of this week? Cockroaches. Right. I can't think of a reason to keep them. Looking into that well. I sort the matter out, that's coming up. We've got, um, I'm teaching you some more stuff. Yeah. He phoned me up today. Yesterday it was, he knows? I said, you're interested in space? And I went, yeah. Phone to be three I was like, he went, no, nothing about space. I went, what, he said, I couldn't find anything interesting about space. It's big, it's pretty interesting, Carl. It's big, but there's nothing there.

That's, that's, that's, the millennium dome. It's like the millennium, the millenn God. So what I'm looking at, right? But no way, he said, is there anything else you want to know about? I went, all right, uh, I went, anthropology. He went, what's that? I went, study a man, I sent a man, he went, like, what? I went, like, like, I went, like, I went, like, he went, and I said, Osteopithecus, Neanderthal, he went, you know all that then? I went, no, he went, right. He went, do you want to know how a lung

works or something? How a lung works? And I said, well tell me how fridge works? He went, oh, I said, oh, do you want to know. I went, I said, fellow walking past in a laboratory with a bar of chocolate in this pocket, went past some sort of ray thing, it melted it and he went, hold on. That's it. That's it explained to me how a microwave works. Right. So today we're doing sort of medical-ish type things under the banner of colon then, educate me. Oh God. Do it again?

Coal on then, educate me. Oh God. Do it again? Colin, then, educate me. Brilliant. Brilliant. So that's like, go on then. So that's a little heading. You're going to be learning three things sort of medical-ish before 3 o'clock. Is that it? Yeah.

Pretty much, yeah. How many O'Rileys are there do you think? I don't know, I don't know. It's a little task for you. Swade, animal nitrate. That's really got a Johnny Mara influence at the end, that guitar, isn't it? Really? Still brilliant. Yeah. X-FM, 1004.

Rookage, Steve Merchant. Carl Pilkington. Tells about this monkey, Carl. You're going to love this one, Steve, right? Yeah, so last week we were talking about how a lad left his family because there was problems at home and that. No leave it the monkeys, their, he he their, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, th. he got airy. No. Leave it there. We haven't got time to go into it. Right. So, and that's what happened. He lived with the monkeys, he went airy. That's what happened.

That's what happened. Looked into some other stuff about like airy kids and all that. Ha ha ha! Came across this story about a bloke, right? Who worked in a zoo? Right? So, uh, Froo's brewing. Loving his job, but it's quite a lonely sort of job because you don't see many people you're just dealing with animals all the time right so anyway he gets a bit palli with a monkey because it's the closest thing to a human. Well that ape is? Yeah but you can't really go that close to apes? What do you mean what type was it? Was it a chimpanzee? I reckon it was a chimp, yeah. Yeah, it's a chimp. Yeah, but it doesn't matter, so he gets a pally with him. Right, so he gets pally with him. Well, no, I mean, it starts off just checking each other out and, you know, probably sharing lunch and that together, right? Anyway, this goes on for a while, you know, they're getting on well on together. And then after a while, right, I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I the the the the the the the the the the the th. It's, th. It's, th. It starts, th. It starts, th. It starts, th. It starts, th. It starts, th. It starts, thi starts, thi starts, thi, it starts starts starts starts starts, starts, starts, starts, starts, starts, starts, starts, starts, starts, starts, starts, starts, starts, starts, starts, starts, starts, you they's starts, you start, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you the the the the th. It's, th. It's th. It's th. It's the the. It's the th. It's the th. Start, starts, starts, starts, starts, starts, starts, starts, starts, starts, starts, starts, starts, starts, starts, starts, starts, their, you're, the after a while, right, the monkey starts sort of imitating him a bit more and sort of

walking upright. Oh God. Yeah. Right? So he thinks, oh, that's a bit weird. Anyway, they get on really better and what have you, so he thinks, he could live at home with me, this, because we're getting on the storm, right? So he takes him. I think you've seen this on video. I'm worried because he's already imitating you when they're moving in together. I'm thinking

it's maybe like single white female. Single white is your keeper. So anyway, so it's moving in and it's getting used to sort of the normal human life. It's having a cup of tea in the morning. Yeah. piggy tips. As a, he finishes the day off with a, with a, Oh dear. He finishes the day off with, with a little brandy. He finishes the day off with a little brandy? Yeah, he pours him so on. Is he wearing a smoking jacket? Yeah, I'll tell you what, Carl, you're a maniac. Listen, no, this, this, this, this, this, this is, this is, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the the they. they. they. they. they, they, they, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he finishes, he finishes, he finishes, he finishes, he finishes, he finishes, he finishes, he finishes, he finishes, he finishes, he finishes, he finishes, he finishes, he finishes, he finishes, he finishes, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, finish. He's, finish, finish, finish, finish, finish, finish, finish, finish, finish, finish, they. He's, finishes, finishes, finish, finishes, finishes, finishes, finishes, finishes, finishes, finishes, finishes, finishes, finishes, finishes, they, finishes attracted me, it's amazing, right? So he's having his brandy and that, loving his life. Next thing, you know, he sort of, I don't

know if he loses it or he gets shaved, but the top half of his body is airless. Right? Apart from his head. Right? So it's the opposite of the kid. Yeah, well that would happen. Well hang on, but so you don't know if he shaved or if it was. How did it say? Then the hair list, what? I'll bring it in for you the story and then you can say if I've got him wrong. So anyway, so this is going on and he's having a great life. Then the zookeeper starts getting a bit annoyed because he's having a better life. The zoo keeper. The zoo keeper is still going to the in the zookeeper's still got to do a day's work. The monkeys at home, he's parked in, he's got to a point when he says there's no point you're coming in to the zoo

because the whole reason have you been there is because you're being kept there. Right. And he didn't want to bring the memories back so he said you stay at home. You are just talking such a tou. Just let him finish the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their train. train. train. train. their their tip. train. tip. train. theat. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their their. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He's their their tip. He's tip. He's tip. He's tipe. He's tipe. He's tipe. He's tip. He's tip. He's tip. He's tip. He's tip. He's tip. He's tip. He's tip. He's train. It's nearly over anyway, right? It sounds extraordinary. So he's walking up right, he's having a tea in the morning, finishing a day off with Brandy, gets a bit out of hand, only tries it on with the zookeeper's wife. God. He's doing it white. How does he do that? Well, because he's around humans a lot, he becomes a bit of a charmer. But what is it that he could do to seduce her? Pick fleas out of her? He didn't say. He's built. He was built. Yeah, he's well hung. So what about that?

What do you mean? What about it, Carl? It's obviously not true? This wasn't on the internet. This was in a book. So it's not a quick joke and just put it on a website. This is in a book. I don't understand how the monkey. I love that he becomes a charmer. He's got better task in brandy what would he be doing, Paul? He's not going to be talking with her. They're not going to be playing trivia pursuit. Maybe, maybe she liked the silent type. I don't, I don't, it didn't go into that, it just said, that's when the tribe started. Go ahead. I sounded when she brought you up. Yeah. Talking to the sunbirds yesterday. Yeah, yeah.

It's just the way I'm feeling. FEDA. Just the way I'm feeling. XFM, 104.9. I love that. Carl, you're panicking. You've just remembered a song from your childhood. And I don't know what you're talking about.

But I'm going to give that a number a please take this number down if you can help Carl. It's 08, 700, 800, 1,2, 4, right. I'm not that bothered. We were talking about a track from the 60s. Yeah. Mighty Quinn. And it was on the same compilation, my dad had a tape in the tape and the tape was always the tape was always the tape tap was always the tape on tape on tape on tape on tape on tape on tape on tape on tape on th, in th, in tha, in tha, the the the, the, the, the the the, the the, their, their, the, the, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, eight, eight, eight, eight, eight, eight, eight, eight, eight, th, th, eight, th, th, the, the, the, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, eight, eight, eight, eight, eight, eight, eight, eight, eight, eight, eight, eight, eight, eight, their, eight, their in the car and the tape was always on in the in the stereo thing in the car and I used to sit so sort of stick through all this stuff I didn't like but knowing that coming up soon was a song about a monster with purple eyes it was not a monster there must be something else about it that give people a few lines it says something like it was a oneeyed, it had big eyes purple and it eats people or something. The big-eyed purple eat-er, wasn't there a song called something like the big-eye-purposed? I'm sure there was.

I'm sure there was. A song which is something like the intergalactic purple or something like it. It's some like, it's a novelty. What the tele- th, it's th, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, th. It, th. It, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a thi. It's a thi. It's, it, it, it, it, that sort of thing, yeah. I'm sure it must be. Well, you know what car... The telephones have gone mad! Yeah, well, find out in a bit. I mean, I'm not that bothered, I'm not going to buy it. It's just like we're talking about songs and that.

It'll be good to know, uh, that song. I don't know how it's by or is that what you want? Um, that's the better what it's really? What's the name of the song? Well, you know that how it goes. It's like, bon I don't, uh, the bibly. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Sorry, I don't think you've helped much much. thi. th. th. th that th that that that that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's by that's by that's by that's by that's by that's by that's by that's by that's by that's by that's by that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's that's that's that's that's th. the the the the the the the the th. th. the th. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. that's. Well no, I mean I know the tune, that's about it. But it seems to me, Steve, he's done wow, he's giving up his spare time to call in and sing as a song. Don't dissing him. Rick, I'm concerned he's just only marginally remembering it more than Carl. It was actually in, I think it was in the blu-XFM. No, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's to to to to me, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. to-I. to-I. to-I. See if it, thanks very much mate, see if we can get a title off someone. Alright, an RXFM. Hello, uh, yeah, I know the name of that shoot. Go on.

Uh, is it, boy? Is it the purple live, the peter? Yeah, that sounds about right. and who is it by? Who is it by? Do you know who is by? Do you know who it's by, mate, sorry. This is not enough information. I wouldn't phone in and find him. We did ask them just what the June was. But I want someone like Paul Gambitini to call it. He knows what you know what you know what chart you've got to.

Okay, right. I don't think's full of information. Thank you very much for calling me. I don't know why they bothered, frankly. Sorry, I mean, I just think if you're going to bother to call in a radio station, have the facts. Have all the facts do you have. It hasn't got the facts and he runs the radio station. He doesn't run it. They keep him here like a mascot. He's like a pet isn't he, isn't they're, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, they, they, they, they, they, they, usters, I've got the prizes here. Rick, I'll be honest with you, I mean we've given away some shoddy stuff in the past. This is the worst collection. This is really scraping the bottom of the barrel car. I mean, how many of these can we go

to go away? How many of these can we give away? How many of these can we give away? How many of these can we give away? Look at that. It's only only Falls and Ors is that the... It's the Christmas special from not this year the year before. I mean we have given away so many of these. I imagine there's charity shops throw out later. Throwing them away. Yeah. So we got like that. Oh dear. You know if you didn't watch it, you know, if you weren't one of the 20 million that, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, yeah, I, yeah, yeah, yeah, I, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I, I, I, I, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I th. I th. Yeah, I th. Yeah, I th. Yeah, I th. Yeah, I th. Yeah, I th. Yeah, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,gged, purple-lea, a people, it's there,

it had a big, rin' it had a big boo. It's something like that. And once again, the best chill-out album ever, with, I mean, it's pretty much rubbish. It was a big boo-boo-reader. It's just basically a collection of songs you might have heard on adverts. So enjoy that. Oh God, this one again, the best air guitar album in the world, volume 2. This is no longer an entertainment show.

This is three people chatting to each other now and again. Sometimes we remember it's going out, sometimes we just take a call for our own amusement. I mean, I mean... It's the same price to give it. It's the David Attenborough compilation of DVDs, which I'd be very surprised if actually makes it to you. I imagine someone here will have had that long before he posted. Oh dear. There's a t-shirt in here. XFM 104.

9. You get sent a lot of crap t-t-s s-t-s s-t-tfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff. I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-Icc...c...c...c...c...c...c...c...c...c...c...c...c...c...c...c...c...c...c...c...c...c...I-I-ddc...I-d. I'm c-d. It's c-aa-wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. It's-t. It's-t. It's-I-I-I-I-I-t. This is a quicksilver t-shirt. What is that? What is that? What is that? That's a t-shirt made by the quicksilver people so if you're a bit of a surfer dude and by the look of the size of it you're a midget. You're a midget. You're welcome to it. And this is I think the piece to resistance Rick. I mean I could you know the kind of fans. They the kind of kind of kind of kind of kind of kind of kind of kind of kind of kind of kind of kind of kind of kind of the kind of fans. They the kind of fans. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're kind of fans. They're. They're. They're. They're kind of. They're kind of. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're pretty kind. They're. They're. They're. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They..............................................................................................................................................'ll be loving on DVD. Dr. Who, the Aztecs. That's one of William Hartnell, the first Doctor's classic episodes on DVD there. Oh, you know, um... That's rubbish, Carl, those places. I'm a shame to give him away. Carl, you know our mate Johnny, he's a Doctor Who fan. Do you remember, he bought the Doctor Who magazine and he went to the to toilet and Steve got post notes and put geek on every page and Johnny opened it on the tube and it had geek and everything and Johnny bought

in the new Doctor Who magazine I think this week or this month right and they've done the perfect Doctor Who fan right what the geek is right and it looks exactly like Steve. All right don't have a go really. It does. And I'm going to try and put it on the website. It's amazing. It's got your hair, glasses, it stands like you. It's sort of dressed like you, and it's hilarious. And he's, I mean, I'm insulting you now. It sounds like an insult, but if you see it, you'd like, Just a little bit annoyed. Just, uh, three clues.

We lost all the energy in this jump. Well, I'm just, I can't get over that insult. I'm just a little. Three, three clues. Three clues. I thought that was a sense of camaraderie on this. Just email in, Ricky. Just email in, I'm just, I can't, I can I'm just reading out the clues. Let's put this one in for the Sony Award. Let's put this show in for the Sony Award. Play a song, because I need to

discuss things with him. I've talked before about in second year one. Get this down to three minutes. It'll be a great show. You rockbusters in a minute. Ex-a-fun. Ex-Fone. Learned Some Day by Bruce Springsteen from his new album The Rising on XFM, 104.9, Ricky Jaze, Steve Merchant, Carl Pilkington. The former just phoned in and said to Kyle, stick up for yourself, don't listen to that merchant. He does my head in, he's so arrogant. I don't think I'm arrogant, I think I'm arrogant. Just think I'm sort of objection more. I don't think

it's arrogance. I think it's sort of nastiness. Yeah. I'm just not a very nice person. But believe I'm not arrogant I think I'm pathetic. We've had a lot of emails saying could you bring back white van Carl. Oh yeah. Which is that section of the show the show the asked someone else random punters of Carl but sadly recently they got very politicised and very kind of basically a little bit depressing so there's not really anything appropriate but I have trawed the papers looking for other questions posed in other sections of the Sun. Good idea. I was just looking here at the Deer Deirdre section which is the sort of problem page. I don't know what your views are on this. I'd love to see Carl. Oh God, can we get him a job? Just ask, oh my God, that would be amazing, right?

Well here's one, I'd like to see your view on this, Carl. I'm a happily married 42-year-old woman with four kids, yet I've developed a huge crush on pop star Darius Dinesh. It sent my hormone levels through the roof, and last I woke my husband up at 4 a.m. for sex. We've been married for 20 years and he can't believe his luck. Recently I've been having you... Sorry, I want to go to her, I'll stop me there, why are you telling me? Ha haught me, sorry. Recently I've been having erotic thoughts about Darius, morning, noon and night. this since I was a teenager and mad about Donnie Osmond. My husband is amazed at the change in me. We had sex twice last night and again this morning. Again, why are you telling me this? Yeah, go on. He's just boasting. This is not a problem. There's not a problem. What's the

problem? No problem. Just wanting to times, five times she's mentioned it so far. Yeah. She's doing alright. My husband, this is a great bit, my husband thinks it might be his new moustache. Or that I'm going through the menaulch. their thinks it is. He's making the pub. He's grown all these. The old Tom Selleck. Five times in the last couple for 24 hours.

Hooray for sexy Darius. So what do you make of that then? What's your view on times that night and he grew a new moustache. He's thinking, I wonder if that's me. Maureen? Yeah, go on. But what's your concern? Because she, I'll tell you what her problem is, she's worried that, you know, the reason

that she's now kind of overly excited and she's having these wayward thoughts. She's a bit concerned about that. What's your thoughts? I reckon she's going to start shoplifting soon coming out and not flushes. Go on. They're both happy, aren't he? He's getting what he wants. She's happy. I'd say, yeah, whatever. Get on with it. Do you think that she confess? Um... She wants to be honest with him? I wouldn't because not that many fellas like Darius. Right. So if you're sort of thinking or she'd rather have him than me, I don't just going to... What do you think Darius would think of this?

Uh, he'd probably be happy with that. I mean, if... What would you do if you got loads of phone calls, right? Um, women going, Carl, whenever you on the radio, I just have to do it, I just, I'd to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thue, thue, thue, thi, thi, thi, thi, that, that, that, that, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, I'd thi, I'd thi, I'd thi, I'd th. I'd th. I'd th. I'd th. th. th. th. th.. th.. th. What, th... What, th.. What, th. W, th. What, th. What, th. What, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thr. W. I'd, thr. W. I'd, tha'''a'a'a' voice makes me say alright well you know it's alright I'll be happy with that would you yeah yeah just in case anyone is doing that what would you do to sort of like egg and wine a little bit to have what do you think what do you think is your quality what do you think people would find you know pretty horny about you is it your sort of mank wine do you think that just just to say this London

shit and it that I think you know I love to love you oh I think you know I'll say so you know I don't say that oh oh I think so it's a good oh I think it's a sakes I you you you you you you th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th th th th the same I th th th the same I th th th th the same th th th the same th th th th th th the same the same thin thin th th th th th the same you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you th th you th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thin thin thin th thin th th thin th th th thin th th thin th thin th thin th thin th the thi the thi thi the the th you th sort of sexy though, say something like you know, I love to love you. Say something sexy. No, say some sexy. No, it's not so sexy. Do you love me? I go, yeah, you're all right. Ha ha ha ha ha. The thing is, I know that's true.

I know that's true. I know thats that Deirdre says is that she's wondering if this marriage is going a little bit stale and needs to be freshened up. They need to give a new spice, a new spin to the marriage. What would you do? What would the advice would you give to spice up, you know, something? They've been married for quite some time for quite some time. I think thi. Get them, I that's, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, the, the, the, the, the, the, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what the, what the, what the, what their. their, what their, what would their, what would their, what would their, what would their, what would the, what would would would would would would would would would would would would would would would would would would would would would would would would would would would would would would would would, what would, what would would, what would, what would. What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what. the, the, what, the, the, the, the, their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. mean? Just surprise them now and again with stuff. That's what I do. It's what you've got those condoms didn't you know that you got too. Hang on what? You've never done that, what? You've surprised his own with what? You know, I've like, uh...

You stood behind the door and shouted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, there's some... Don't. Don't drop the jelly. they. they. they. the the the they. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You've. You've. You've. You've. You. You. You've. You've. You've. You've. You've. You've. You've. You've. You've. You've. You've. You've. You've. You've. You've. You've. You've. You've. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You've th. You've th. You've th. You've th th th th th th th th t t t t t t t t t ttttt tttttttt. You've th th th. You've th. other day. I took her a bit of that home. Most of you, that's really thought. She didn't like dark chocolate, but I said, well, it's a thought. So I had it. I had it. But, uh... You know you often benefit from any gift that you give her? The chocolate, the meal, the condoms? There's always something in it for you. Yeah, there is. I love the idea. She's got bored. I th bored. I th bored. I th bored. She th bored. She th bored. I th bored. I th th bored. I th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. I th. I that that that that that. I've that th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I th. I th. I th. I I th. I th. I th. I I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I had it. I had it. I had it. I had that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that. I that. I the condoms? Or the food that she ate? Oh, they're condoms. Yeah, she's got tired of filling them with water and throw them as a passing kid's or putting them on their head and inflating them. I love the idea of asking you problems. What do you think of erectile problems? You're like, Pele adverti, he goes, be careful. What would you do? What would you do? What would you do? What do you do you do you do you do saying like you know if you can't you know I haven't seen that Yeah, I've got him doing it

Wow, well, you know, you should be able to keep it up for hours The ball and me Yeah, what'd you do? So advertise that? No if you suddenly couldn't get you know what? I don't think it bother me now. I know you're 30. You're not what you mean? You're you're you're you're you're you. You're th. You're th. You're th. You're th. You're th. You're th. You're th. You're th. You're th. You're th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin. that that that thin. thin' tho. tho. that to to to to say tho. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thin. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thi. thi. thi. thoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. You know that's what you're talking like you're an 80 year old? Yeah, but do you know what I mean? You sort of been there done that now. It's like the boxing and the dancing that I did.

It was good as a kid and now it's like take it and leave it. I think you need toM, 1 of 4.9. We're a little bit worried. We might have a technical hitch here. We've had no emails and usually we get loads and loads. So we're worried it's us. Can someone send an email? Well... Yeah, just a test email. Yeah but we won't know if they have or not. They might just be ignoring us. No one might be listening

Steve so this isn't proof. I guarantee there's at least one person who would send an email. Maybe if Dickie Anderson's listening he could do it for us. Anders? Anders? Do us a favor for all the pleasure we've given you over the last few years. Ricky. to the thirty. If you. R. R. R. R. the their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their, th. their, th. their, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. they's they's they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll, they'll, they'll, they'll, they'll, they'll, they'll, they'll, they'll, they'll, they'll. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. they. they. they. they. their. their. they're they're they're co-dock UK so you haven't heard the rockbusters might as well give them out well let's check the emails working before we do yeah otherwise it's a complete this this whole show has been a sham and a fast and a waste of time well I think they can take that as great right well educate me Carl right well what we're looking at this week we've done we've done we've nailed war did we educate well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to to to the the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the theea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. the the the the the done war, we've done... We've nailed that, we've nailed war. Did um...

We summed up war with a little French bloke whose battle cry was John's got a moustache. Right. So, and last week we did science. What we do on science then? Airy Kid? Brilliant. Right. So this week we're looking at medical problems. I'm sure we do Aeri Kid every week. Medical problems then.

I've got a couple of things under the banner of colon then educate me. Yeah. We've got, this is interesting, right? Do you know if you have an operation on your brain, right? What they do is, the, I mean, this is why I'd never go to the doctors, I don't like doctors because this sort of stuff freaks me out, right? They can operate on your brain and what they do is they put you to sleep first, cut your brain case open. You're the brain case. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then, wait you up and operate on you. So you sat there with your brain case. Yeah, yeah. And then wake you up and operate on you. So you're sat there with your head open, messing with your brain and you don't feel anything. Well there's no nerve engines is there in the brain. But still, it's not right, is it? What do you think? They do it for fun? No, but go, go on, Reggie, wait him up? Is it necessary that you're awake, do you think, or... They're they? Well? they? they? the brain? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their. their. their? tha? their? tha? tha? thi? thi? their. their. their? their? their? their? their? their. their. their? their. their? their. their. their? their? their. their? their? their.............. their? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do... their? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do. their? Do? Do. their? their? their? tape. tape. tape. train. train. train. train. to. train. to. train. their? their? their? their? that you're awake, do you think, or... Well, they need the brain active, don't they? Yeah, but it is when you're asleep, you're having mad dreams. I had a mad dream the other day. God. I might tell you about it later, but it's no sense to it.

But, so your brain still, your brain... So, it mean if I had an operation on your brain, heaven forbid. Operation anywhere, I'd like to sort of think, well I'll have an injection, I'll go asleep, but when I wake up, it'll all be sorted. The fact that the brain cases open. And they wake you up and you think, oh is it all done? They say, well, have a look in the mirror. And you, and you, see, I don't think they they're they they they they they thry, they're, I don't they're, I don't they're, I'll they're, I'll they're, I'll they're, I'll think, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll to to to to to to sort, I'll to to sort, I'll to sort, well, I'll to to to sort, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, I'll, I'll to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll th.. that. that. that, I'll have. that. that, I'll have. that. that. that. thr. thrown. to to to thrown. to thr, I'll't think they try and frighten you when you're doing an operation. Yeah I don't think that you go about your business and they sort of follow you around, dabbling. Yeah.

But it's almost like they are having a bit of a laugh with you. Right, well I'll just start to say now that they don't. Anyone who's going in there, anyone who's going in there, that's the Scottish tode, to to listen, to listen, to listen, to listen, to listen, their, their, their, to listen, to listen, their, their, to to their, to to tho, to to tho, to tho, thr, to sort, to sort, to to to to sort, to sort, and to sort, and to sort, and to sort, and to sort, to sort, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thr, thr, thr, thr, thr, their, their, their, thr, thr-s sort, thr-s, thr-s, thr-s, their, their, thr-s be making your telephone director look and they say look how many Macs are in there we that's the Scottish telephone directory and you know time flies when you're counting that sort of thing no but do you know like when you're telling me what you're asking me what you're saying it's weird it is it's you know when you go for air cut right it's like you you you you a hair cut? It used to be a bit embarrassing when, like, they'd wet your air and they'd make you have that sort of Hitler cut because your hair's wet and I used to hate it and I think, do you have to do that? Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? It's very similar to, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, and they, they're, and they're, and the, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they have they've they've have they'd have they'd have they'd have th. they'd have they'd have th. they'd have th. they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have to have they'd have to have to have to have that, and bers like to do that to make you look daft and feel deaf for a bit and there's women coming in and out and you're sat there

with a daft haircut yeah and this is what that reminds me of. Do you think that do they do it in a shop window this brain operation? I'm just saying it's a why are we doing in John Lewis's just say more people look at the idea look at the doctors let's look let's this this this this this this this this this this this this th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th is th th th is the. Let's th is the. Let's th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is the the the the the the the the thea theaugh is the the the thi the the thi thi the the thi the the twoicky look for this brain out of his head. Take a podroid. Look at him. Look at his face. Right, clock his face when I give him the mirror. Get this on camera. Put his fake nose and glass. Sorry, if that, did you teach me something then? Was that educational? I've thought you that your brain, your brain case can be open with you're awake and you just sat there sort of letting them get on with it. Brilliant, I've learned that, I'll never forget that. Right, go on, anything else? You'll love, let's play a song because the next one is amazing. What, even more amazing than that? Yeah. Play a song? Yeah, a bit of Bowie? No, I don't think it's working to you. It's not working to

so. We'll have to do a phone in for Rock Busters. for Ziggy Stardust album. Alright. Lady Stardest off Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars on XFM 104. A bit of David Bowie? When's that ever at anyone, Steve? Never. Lady Stardust, off Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars and XFM 104. I'm a Mickage of a Steve Merchant, Carl Pilkington is in the middle of educating me. Colon then, educate me. Right, so, um...

I've learned that you can, you know, fiddle around with your brain when a way, that's brilliant. I've never been a fan of doctors though, so this was a good one for me to look up because... Yeah. when the doctor said I was going to die. All right keep talking. Right, ages ago was something about 15, right? And at lunchtime there was this, we used to have a choice of stuff to do at lunchtime, right? We used to have like a burger place that had an arcade machine in it, right? So we used to go there and play on that and have a burger. Or there was this baker's, right, that my

man worked at and did great cakes and stuff, right? So she used to like bring some home and that, but she couldn't always bring them home every night because, you know, they'd cost money and she used to get them for free and they used to say they'd rather chuck them away than give them to the staff because there's a chance that the cream might be off. Right. So they used to chuck them around the back. So I used to go around the back with me mate and eat a load. Brilliant.

Scar me, it wasn't out of bins, they were still in trays, but they just stacked them up near the bins, right? So this got out, I mean it used to be chocker. Once the school found out out, everybody used to go there and it'd be like, well, have a cake. The headmaster probably fighting the kids off. Right? So I'd have, you know, right? So you do that and this one day I must have had six or seven jammed donuts, a few congress tarts. Just I love him, it's me thin, I can't get him in London, right? So I'd have some of them. And if anyone can get a congress tart for Carl in London, please let him know. So anyway, this day, that was just a normal day. You know what I mean??? th? th? th? th. And th. And th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. And th. And thi thi thi thi th. And th. And th. And th th. And th th. And th th. And th. And th. And th. And th, I I I th, I I I I th. And th, I I I I I I I I th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. thi's one thi. thi. the. the. the. the. the. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. th.. So anyway this day that that was just a normal day do you know I mean you'd once twice a week you'd have a load of cake in your life yeah so anyway with with the frog boys there with

with the with the webbed hands and the big heads so the horse in the set a but the day after one of these days they had really bad cramp in my belly I was like in agony could hardly the the the the the the the the the the the the to to the to the to to to the to to the to to to to to the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to toe. told. told. told. told. told. told. told. told. I told. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was a the the the the the the the the the the the the the try. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was to. I was. I was a to. I was to. I was a t. I was. I was. I was like in agony. Could hardly walk. So I said to my mom, hard. He was hardly staggered to the free cakes. So I was in absolute agony. I said, I think I don't like doctors but you'll have to get a doctoring because I don't know what it is I can't walk. He gets the doctor around. I won't say his name but he said, well, it doesn't look like he's got long left. to the the a bit like, hang on a minute, I've only had a few cream donuts. My man was panicking. Sure. He went, my dad came in from work, she said, oh, something's really bad with Carl, I think it's serious. You know, the doctor said he's not got long left.

So he said, what, he said, that and just left, he said, I'll have to call him then. So he called him up, said, what's all this about, you know, Carl hasn't got long left, how long has he got? So he goes, oh, it's only messing. It's just got, she's just had some bad cream. Can you believe that? Well, the thing is, I like the fact your mom didn't ask any questions. I know. I like the fact your mom didn't ask any questions. I know. the the the the the the the the the the that. to to the the to the the doctor. that. the to. the doctor. to. the the doctor. the to. the the to. the to. to. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I'm. I was. to. I'm. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It. It's. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. I'm. It's. It's. I. I. It's. I. a shoe off. I don't want to diss you or your family but I imagine if I was there I'd have known the doctor was joking that's all I'm saying I mean I sound very arrogant there but I imagine he went what we didn't I had about six cream grounds all right oh wow I haven't got long to live then I'll see you later that's what I think the doctor did yeah yeah it's like the idea your mom just let him tho the he he he he. he. he. he. he. he. he. I the th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm th. I'm just th. I'm just th. I'm just th. I'm not going. I'm not going. I'm not the to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I th. I th. I th. I'm not th. I'm not the. I'm not the. I'm not the. I tole. I took. I took. I the. I the. I'm not. I'd the. I'd the. I'd that's th. I think the doctor did. Yeah. It's like the idea your mom just let him go. Terrified thinking, well I'm not going to prove me, he's that's it then.

Dad comes in, hi honey, I'm home. Anything happened? The doctor said, Carl's going to die and then left. Did he? I'll call him. But anyway, that's why these sort of things fascinate me. So we'll move on to this next one right which is brilliant. Dead short story so right, old woman about 70 years old she's normally fit and healthy and stuff nothing wrong with her she's having a good life and now one day she goes for a check to the doctors just to check

herself out because she's getting on a bit yeah says take your clothes off and that so she does and checks her out says yeah you're looking good looking good so. so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th so th th th th th th th th th th th their th th th th th th th. right right right right right right right right right right right right right the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they they th th th th th th th thi thi the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the take your clothes off on that. So she does and checks her out, says yeah you're looking good, you're looking good. Turn round. He said, oh God, he says you've got a tumor on your buttock. So she goes, oh, can you do anything to sort out? So they go, yeah, yeah, yeah, we can book you in for an operation. Operation day comes, strip her down and that, they're all stood round, the doctors, start to operate.

It only turns out, it's a pork chop that she sat on five years earlier and it had stuck to a buttock. Right, Carl, I can forward you. No, I'm honest, no listen, serious. Okay Carl, I'm telling you now, I'm leaving. I'm never, I'm never doing the show again. No, I'm seriously. You're talking, I've never, any such, but, you are, play a record. Play a record.

I couldn't believe it. What do you mean? You're, stop the record? You couldn't believe it. No, when I read it, I said I've got to tell Ricky that. This woman had a port drop stocked to her ass for five years, you mental case. Because she didn't. SYNTAXFM 1.4. to the way, Steve Merchant and Carl Pilmington, right. What you got next? Right, well, uh, run a bit late with this, but it's time for do we need them? We're looking into what I'm really worried about this because everyone's getting that last clue wrong. I reckon it's so rubbish that even your mental fans can't work out.

Yeah, it's a tough one but... Give that final Rockbuster's clue again. The Jamaican fellow had to to to to to to to to that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that their that that that that their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their their. their their their their th. th. thoo. th. thoooooooooooooom. th. th. th. th. the. their their their their to have some aspirin. Why is that? What were you in need? Why did he have to do it? FD? Hold on, that's changed. Well, I mean it doesn't matter. The story is still that. That's the point of a cryptic clue, isn't it? Oh, do, what have you got now? Right. So we're looking into animals that we get rid of, I've spoken to someone about snailsils the snails the snails to some s snails the snails to some s snails to some s snails the s snails to someone about s snails to someone about s jelly to s snails, to s snails, to snails, to snails, I snails, I's to some to someone, I's to someone, I's to snails, I's to to too, I've to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their, I, I, I, their, their s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s snails, their s'a, their stuff, their stuff, the. I's the. I've thr-a'er. their, I've their, I've thea'eru. I've thea'eru. I've thea'er. I've the. I's thea, I spoke to someone about jellyfish and that and looking at cockroaches today. Right, now who's the expert? Um, this woman called Jessica Marshall. Right. Does she know that you're going to play this on the radio?

Well I called up right in the week and said, can I talk to someone about cockroaches? And she was like, is that Carl? She knows who you are. So she's an expert, she's the, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, the, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the, th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the, the, thi, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th.... Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who's, is, is, is, is, thi. Who's, who's, who's, who's, who's, who's, who's, who's, who's, who's, tho. Who's, they. Who angle, your approach. Yeah, she's an expert, she's not just some random... She works in a museum, a good museum, I said to give it a plug. It's a one near night's bridge, she's got dinosaurs and that, and it's worth seeing. And this that's a mystery museum. Yeah, so... So uh... It's not sure. He's not sure. This is what happened. Now what I'll do, I'll tell you as much as I know and then you can fill me in if I'm right or wrong and then you can fill me in if I'm right or wrong and then at the end of it we'll

get to the bottom of whether we need them or not. All right, so first of all, the first of all we'll get to the bottom of whether we need them or not. All right, so first of all, the first thing that I found out is that they have 18 knees. That's not exactly possible. They're insects, so they have six legs. And a knee is usually the junction between femur and tibia, that's sort of classic human knees and every other animal knee, so with six legs you can only have six knees. Could somebody sort of got mistaken for seeing one that was a

bit double-jointed? I think you're grasping at straws or something. All right well we might have to come back to that one then. They can hold the breath for 40 minutes. Well, they don't do that because they don't breathe in the same way as us. They breathe through little spiracles, holes down the side of the body, so... No, they're not a very absimiline because the method of breathing is so different. What do you mean? Because insects have a totally different system.

They don't have lungs in the way that we do and just breathing through one part of the body. They're actually breathing through every segment of the body all of the time. So even though they've got the mouth shut, they might be able to slide. The mouth had nothing to do with breathing. So you see maybe that's where someone's gone wrong, someone's got older one and sort of tapes its mouth up or something and got bored after 40 minutes and said well we're caught right. Yeah, but it's all... Yeah, but it's all... Pretty unkind thing to do anything, do anything, even a cockroach.

Something else I found out. They can live for a week without an head. Well, that's true if they don't sleep to death in the process. But the weird thing is, when I told you that they had 18 knees, you seemed a bit sort of, like, don't talk ridiculous. But then we're talking about think about think about think about think about thin about thin about thin about thin about thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thi thi' thi' thi' thi' thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the thi, the thi, thi, thi. So there's a little bit of truth in that one, yeah? Why when it was invented, has it got that facility? Say if someone said to humans, we could do that with humans and if you lose your head in some accident, it gives you a bit of time to sort of go back to your family and maybe write them a note, you won't be out of a chat, but write them a note saying it was my own fault and it was

nice knowing you. Well that would be a useful facility, I agree, but the corporaties are great, survivors. I mean they've been around for over? Apparently they can sort of rest for 75% at the time. Rest? Yeah, they just set about doing nothing. It's probably true of a vast proportion of the world's fauna. I mean maybe the 25% that they are working, they're really giving it some, so it might make up. And they're probably searching out food and yeah, they can slow down considerably. You can chill insects in their their they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're the they're the the the the the the the the the the the the the thea thea' the the thi thea' thea' the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. the the. the. the. the just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thea throooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooea. th chill insects in the fridge and they'll become very, very quiet. You might think they're dead.

Yeah, but I'm sure, you know, if we were sat in a fridge, you know, we'd go a bit quiet, wouldn't we? You know? Well, you might not know much about it, of course. Yeah, but... Not quite reading the right sources. Well, I've been using the internet. I'm sure there are many useful sources that you could find there but some of those seem to have been a little misleading to you. So you don't agree with a lot of what I've told you there. No. So cockroaches, can we get rid of them? So we're keeping them then? I would say so, yeah. I think we should get her on more often because she sounds like she'd be a bit of an ally really because she'd be a bit of an ally really, because she knew, immediately, because she knew immediately immediately you were talking nonsense. She even said, I think you should be more concerned about your sources, which

I've been trying to tell you for a year, all right? The fact, I mean, 18 knees, where did you get that from? They can hold their breath for 40 minutes? I mean, I don't know what, I don't know what you read and take on. Mad world, don't it? Right. The cure obviously. Yeah. Right.

Carl's been taking phone calls for these clues. Right. And so everyone's been saying the same's been taking phone calls for these clues. Right, and so everyone's been saying the same thing for the last one, he's been going no, no, and I'm worried, I'm always worried, FD. I just overheard him on the call they're going, huh? What have I been saying? Oh, no, it's FP. Dickhead. Right, give me the clues out. It's a roll of I. Tell people we we we we we we we we we we we that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th've have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. the. the. the. thi. the. th. tha. the. tha. tha. th. th. ha ha. Dickhead. Right, give me the clues that, it's a roll-over. Right, tell people that we're really sorry to anyone who would have got that right. Okay, right, do the clues quickly. Tell them, it'll be a roll over so we have three new ones.

Do you not write these tons. You're such a... I don't write the clues were I've got three other jumpers like this one. Yeah, it was FT. Yeah. You got that, four tops. Yeah, that's all right. Good, well done. That bunch of people can't make up their minds if they'd want to sit in the sun or not. That was C, they were getting that out, shall we, Sharla, Charla, Charle, Charle Tans. They got it, right? Where I went wrong with this one, the Jamaican fellow, he had to have some aspirin why. It's my fault, you know, I'm not, I'm not, there's no point passing the book or anything. I said FD. A lot of people were saying Fred Durst, like four Edderts, which is a good thing. Yeah, which would be as good as any of yours.

But I made an error, so we'll roll it over. No, no, no, no, no, what is the answer? Jamaican fellow, what, add some aspirin? What's the thing? FP? It was Fp. Fpida a Fp. Fp. Fp. the the the the the the the th. the th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. th. A. A. A. th. A. th. th. A. the. A. th. the. the. A. th. th. A. th. th. th. th.'s the thing? FP. It was Frida Paine. Free the pain? Freed a pain. Free the pain. That's awful. You've got to write these down next week. You're the producer. I know I know but I've had a busy week I'm doing stuff for the next. That's not an excuse! That isn't an excuse! Our excuse is we don't care.

Yeah, you do care. You put the brick in and then make a mistake. Yeah, I mean it's better not to try than try your hardest and be rubbish. Do you see the point? We've got, we don't care. But you've got standards. Yeah. And you're not meeting them. Think of that. You're not even reaching your standards. God! Right, well that's that I guess. The prizes will be giving those away next week. Bollocks again. Just completely... Song for the Ladies to end the show with. It's from Nick Cave's new album, Noctorama.

This is a track called He Wants You Back Next Week. Remember, Free the Pain.