The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Xfm S2E25 (February 8, 2003)

Episode Date: September 4, 2022

With the second series of ‘’The Office’’ complete, Gervais, Merchant, and Pilkington returned to XFM in August of 2002 to resume their 2-hour Saturday afternoon broadcasts. Though Pilkington’s name was still not being used in promotional materials, the format mainly centered on his contributions with Gervais and Merchant mostly reacting to the various things Karl said and did, a format that would endure through the remainder of the radio broadcasts and podcasts, concluding in 2012.This was the longest stretch of XFM shows, running 51 weeks until August 2003 when Gervais and Merchant again went on hiatus, this time to record the Christmas Special (finale) for ‘’The Office’’.During the year, Pilkington introduced many of the show’s most notable segments including “ Monkey News”, “Rockbusters”, “Songs of Phrase”, and “The Film Thing”, among others. Karl grew increasingly frustrated with Ricky’s antagonism toward him throughout the year, and over the final few shows, suggested he did not want to continue on. Gervais and Merchant repeatedly said on air they would not return if Pilkington didn’t agree to remain with the show.

Should he weather, why not put on a cardigan? That was the cardigans. And for what it's worth, a lovely tune there. Oh, that's a joy. We should definitely talk like that one. XFM, 104.9. That's right. Steve mentioned, Carl Pilgerton, all right? Yeah? Well, we got a jam-pack show today? Carl Pilgerton, all right? All right? All right?

Yeah? Well, we got a jam-packed show today. We got, we got, oh, we got so many features than Carl's got on his face. Which is about the same as Morph. Very few. It's just really a head, isn't it? That's where I've seen him before. heart yeah yeah we've got rockbusters that's that's still growing strong feelings on that no but it's he's said he's gonna buck his ideas up we've

got oh chimpanzee that Carl find a amusing monkey or ape related story we've got a car in a film again right excellent yeah a lot of great response from that Carl on the internet. It was my favorite thing we don't. People raving about that. And what's, can we say what the film is? Excuse my French, we've got some bloody great music. Oh, pardon a moot.

I don't know, I can't speak. I can't speak. Oh, yeah, I'll just. I'll just. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. People. We. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. We. People. People. We. People. We. We. We. People. We. We. We th. We. We've. People. People. People. People. We th. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. People. We. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. We. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. We've. People. People. People. th. People. th. th. th. th. th. th. We've the. We've the tea fan club later? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you have now? Oasis? Go on, it's a nice little ditty. It's all right, yeah. It's a Saturday. Yes, thanks. XFN, one of four point nine, Rickardine, Steve Merchant, Carl Pilkington. I think we should go straight into it, Carl.

I think we should do the competition, there's Carl in the corner. It seems a little premature. Do you reckon? Do you think it's so good we should tease it out of. Well it's a big thing. It's just that I've got absolutely nothing to say I've sure. I haven't really. Well I mean often I know you all have spoken to the week this week for some reason I've been speaking to him. I spokethought that was extraordinary. I asked Carl's opinion. And he didn't mention to me the fact that Michael Jackson likes to climb up in trees. He didn't mention anything about his bizarre relationship with children. He didn't mention anything about his obsessive billionaire spending sprees.

He didn't mention anything about the mannequin he has in his thing, or the fact that he drives around his sort of hotel. the first, the only things, things, things, things, things, things, things, th, th, tho, th, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thinks, thinks, thinks, that, that, he, he, he, he, he, he didn't, he didn't, he, that, that, he didn't, he didn't, he that that, he that that that, he that, he that, he that, he that, he that, he that, he that, he that, he that, he that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, thi thi thi thi thi, thi, thi, thin, thin, thin, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi to thi to thi thi, thi, the only thing of note for Carl was he said to me, did you notice how big his hands are? I tell you that he's had, he's had his hands are. I tell you, he's had two, he's had two, he's had too many jobs. Yeah, but, how are you looking at his hands? But I think it's because you look at him, well, I've, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he. the, he. the, he. the, he. the, he. the, he. the, he's, he's, he's, the, the, the, th. the, the, the, the, th. the. t. tod. the. tod. the. the th. thi. the, th. the, the, th. th, he's had two no jobs. Yeah. And you're looking at his hands. But I think it's because you look at him and he looks a bit like, there's a bit of androgy there, but it's sort of like a, it is quite a petite sort of old lady's face in a way. But then you see these labraers' hands come out. It's always the way with a tranny? No he's not. No he's not. He's got enough issues. Now you're accusing him? I like him. I thought he came like that brilliant. I thought it was really, I really felt sorry for him. And no, I think he cleared up a few things as far as I'm concerned.

I thought it was a fascinating piece of work. But I did like the shopping spree that was great. Just going around just pointing. I know it was bad taste wasn't it? It was like one of those bizarre shops. You know what I mean? There's anything, sort of a gift shop, but they're trying to make it look like men. But if it, yeah, I mean, if he'd been living in a trailer ta park, theythat but the hands were a giveaway it's the same as those sort of transvestates well it's like you get the

what was it about his hands I don't even see it but you know when you get like a cab driver or something right and he's he decides to turn transit about about 60 and he goes on kill Roy do it he's that he got he he he he he he's got he's got he's got he's got he's got he's got he's he's their he's he's their he's their he's he's their he's he's their he right he right he right he right right right right right right right right right right right th is their th got th got th got th so so th so th so th so he's got th so he's th so he's th is th is he right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right they was they was they was they was they was they was they was they was they was they was th so so th th th th th th th th th thin thin toy to tm he's tb to tb I tb I tb I tbue tb I tb I was tb I was tb tb tb tb tb tb th tb tb twin set of pearls and he goes, I've never felt so comfortable, but his hands are still big, he's got a little wig and he's got the lipstick on and he's with his teenage kids who are going to kill me. Do you think he's been having surgery on his hands to make them larger? Is that why he's wearing that glove? Exactly. But I think, but I think he play tennis now without a racket. Yeah. So what did you make a bit cold?

Were you intrigued? Um, Michael Jackson thing. It's, you know, it's all right. But, um, like that got a load of attention in the press. But the Tricia program got nothing. Okay. Which, uh, I know like, well, Steve called me up in the week, right?

Like that, that, that, that, that, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the, th, o'clock in the morning I was at work and he goes uh she think so at 10 o'clock she think you've been preparing the show most people go to work about eight or nine you're watching trisher and that I said no what is it he goes oh you'll be loving it right freaks was it help me my mum's a freak mmm Siamese twins right so I I couldn't watch it but I togned to the their th you th might th might th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the the the thin's thi the the the the the they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll their their their their their their thin thin thin thin thin thin try try try try try try try try try try try try try try try try try try try they're they're they, it might be on again because they repeat stuff on ITV2. So, I had my dinner late, right, instead of having it at like 1 o'clock like I normally do, I had it at like 2.30, sat in the office, put the telly on, ITV2, these Siamese twins. Did it blow your mind? It was amazing. You know, we talk about a lot of a lot a lot a lot a lot of a lot of a lot tha tha tha tha tha tha, we're thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. I, thi. I, thi. I, toe. I, toe. I'm, toe. I'm, toooooo. I'm. I'ma.a.a. I'm.a.a. I'm.a. I'm.. I'm, toda. I'm. I'm up a lot. I was lighting. It's been 10 minutes and you

haven't mentioned the airy kid. Right? And last week we were talking about Siamese twins weren't we? So it was weird that this program was on, but it was amazing. I mean what... I think you can't refer to them as Siamese twins. I think they're known as considered derogatory or as an antiquated phrase. Yeah I think it's because the first famous ones were actually from Siamen and that doesn't exist anymore. No, it's so conjoined, Carl. Get the phrase right. But you think that if that's happened to you, that's the phrase, that wouldn't be that sort of offensive.

The names that's yeah listen to by where they were connected just live with it we'd say right because they were connected of course at the forehead oh sort of which was quite quite extraordinary God what if one had bad breath that wasn't a question that trish asked that was

annoyingly because I know that much of the audience was thinking that was a few things that didn't crop up. What questions would you have asked of them? Because what things did you feel weren't mentioned? I'd love to just watch Carl watching amazing things. Exactly. Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? It's like, like, to be a try and mouth slightly open. it. I hate that. Like when the cat sees a bird land on the balcony. I can't believe it's luck. I'd probably say how do you buy a like a birthday present?

Surprise gift, yeah. Because everything's ruined. Right. Um, I'd probably ask, yeah. Well, did you not think it was interesting that one of them had a boyfriend? Well, that was a bit weird, right? But, um, what was the other thing that I was thinking when I was watching it? Was thinking if one got into crime and that was sent to prison. Right. What would happen? It's brilliant. It is brilliant. If a chimp could talk. And what was the other one? The other thing was, um, what did he talk about? Because it's not as if you can say, oh, have I guess what I did today.

Did you know what I mean? Yeah. So... Ah! Ha ha ha! Ha! Ha! Got the ass. Yes, Brass in pocket.

I love them. They're pretending to be good, they're doing a bloody good job of it. I love them. That's how could you raise on XFM, the total of me, Steve Merchant and Carl Pilkington. Carl is still buzzing about these conjoined twins. No, it's just... One of them of course had to be, because one of them was sort of shorter than the other, and had to be sort of wheeled around on a kind of trolley thing by the other, by the other, by the other, by the other. One's called? No, I wasn't impressed for the names. It's just... Yeah. So you immediately put them out of your mind. Those are rubbish names.

I'm just, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget. They're gone. Were they British or American? Yeah, American. Oh, because I've seen some American. Oh, because I've seen some American. It was on Jerry Springer. There's a little one that sits on a seat and the other one carries it around, her round. And the other one, they're not called Molly and Dolly. They were called, well, we know, one of them's called Reber and I forget. And one one one one one one one was the country was their one was their one was their one was their. One was their. One was their. One was their. It's their. It's their. It's the other was the other was the other was the other one the other one th. There's that's that's that's a little one that's a little one that's that's that's that's that's that's that's a little one that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's a little one that's a little one that's a little one that's a little one that's a little one that's a little one that's a little one, that's a little one that's a little one that's a little one that's a little one that's a little. It's coming out shortly in theaters. Is your sister doing it? Yeah, and the other one said, I'm not involved. It's utterly bizarre because they live though, they work so hard to live their lives separate. Yeah, they say, of course, yeah. You know, they try not to. So, so, so, she's talking about her music career and, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, I. to. to. to. to. th. th. th. to. to. It's, it's, it's, it's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. So, it's. So, it. So, it. So, it. So, it. So, it. So, it. So, it. the. the. the. the. the. the, it. the, it. the, it. the, it. the, it. the, it. It. It. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's a. It's a. It's a. the the other. the the the the other. the other. the the other. the other. the other. the other. the other. the other. the other. they's, it credit for it which is nice. It's weird though because when she was singing as well the other one just stands there she

doesn't join in she doesn't sort of dance offer backing vocals I mean make a group out of it. A duo? Yeah well but it seems like we sort of being horrible but we know we're not. No we're laughing at Carl's amazement at this phenomenon I just got to say we're not we're not you know the really the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to to to to to to to to the. to to to to the. the. to the. the. the. the. the., taking the mickey. The really weird thing about all this, right? And it's annoying because you were saying about, you know, oh, what should have Trisha have asked and all that? But one of them mentioned that one of them was adopted and the other one wasn't. Don't talk rubbish. No, seriously.

I didn't understand it, right? And then the the then then then then then then then the the the thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. We, th. We, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, tho. We's, tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. But, too And then Trish, I sa thought, I said, well, let's have a chat and they were like, no, I don't want to go into that. What do you mean one was adopted, aren't that? That's what you said. One of them, I don't, don't quiz me on it. But that's what was, that's what was said. I've just seen your orphanage. I love to adopt one of your children. I'd love to adopt one. I love to adopt one. I've got loads from around the world so I'd love to adopt. I'd give you $10,000 towards your... Oh, well, well, we're speeding through then, yeah. We've actually got two left. I only need one. I'm only interested in one. I'm only interested in one. Yeah, I don't need to need it it to need to need to need to need to need to need to need to need to need to need to need to need their. I to need to need to to their. I to to their. I don't need to to to to to to to to to to get to get to their. I'll to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to get. I. I. I. I'll to to to to their. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'll their. I'll their. I'll their. I'll give their. I'll give their. I'll give tho. I'll give their. I'll give their. I'll give their. I'll give toooo. I'll give. I'll give tode. I'll give. I'll give. I'll give. I'll give. I'll give. I'll sure because I just need the one is ten thousand dollars now you can have that I'll sign it now but I don't discuss it I'll bring around

brilliant okay ding dong hi yeah brilliant you brought my kid right yeah yeah that she is there but that's just standing next to a bush yeah do you want to to be to be believe it! What's that little trolley? She's talented? Oh dear. You're talking nonsense, Carl. Well, whatever. These ideas are the nightmares, the white parents, his worst fear was a child with that hair and me like their feeling.

Feeder. Feeder That's it, just the way I'm feeling. That's it, just the way I'm feeling. XFM, 1004.9, Ricky Givay, Steve Merchant, Carl Pilkington. It's time for the newest quiz in town. This is where Carl inserts himself into a seminal film. Last week, he was the little kid in six cents. You

remember to a great acclaim the critics loved it they said a triumph. This week he's fiddled with the graduate. This is the scene where of course he goes upstairs to the hotel room and he's on the cards. She's a dead set, Mrs Robinson. Well, here you go then. So, are you ready for it? I've brought some condoms from home that Suzanne got for Christmas. Benjamin, what?

Will you bring me a hang? A what? A hanger. I'll tell you what, I've got wood. Just saying I've got wood. I've got metal ones as well. What sort do you want? Either one you would be fine.

All right. There you go. Are you afraid of me? Uh, no. No. I've seen weirder things than you. Uh, have they ever tell you about the two lads I went to school with who had big heads? Web fingers as well, but not related and weren't mates, but both have the same thing which is a bit weird. Yeah, I'd never found out what was wrong with them. Can I ask you a personal question?

As long as it's not about my head being round, because Rick is always going on about that. It's saying I've got a round Ed. Well, you can admit that, can't you? No, it's I'd say it's a normal sort of shape. It's just round. It is, isn't it? Yeah, but what do you mean? So is yours? Ed should be round. It's nothing to be ashamed. I'm not ashamed. It's just a normal shape. Mm-hmm. And you can talk, look at your saggy arse. Anyway, hit your neckers off. Hello, darkness, my old friend. Oh, that was a joy. Oh, that was a joy. Oh, dear. Oh! It was an absolute treat. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now, th. Now, th. Now, th. Now, I I I I I I I I I I that was a joy. It was an absolute treat.

Now I should say that obviously the prize is a copy of the graduate. Now bear in mind that XFM is giving away these prizes. Carl is so cheap that he wouldn't even buy it on DVD. He's bought it for $6.99 on VHS. It will be panned and scanned. It won't be widescreen. There's none of the extra features that you get on the DVD I look at Carl's face he's gutted Carl did you pocket the rest of the cash?

No no I have to use me own money to buy these right? You're using your own money to give this stuff away? Yeah so I had to go and buy that XFM is so And it's not worth having it on DVD is it? Why not? It's an old film. So the quality is set, do you know what I mean? They can't really tidy it up. Because they can.

They don't do it from the video. They don't get the video and go just make it into a DVD. An old be-tolax copy that someone had knocking about. Well anyway you can win 699s worth of to vote. Well anyway, you can... It's the same film though, isn't it? Fine, okay, well you're right, yeah, but anyway, you can win 699's worth of the graduate. The question, and it's email only, Steve, it's not Steve, it's Ricky.Jovets at XFM.co the question is, name, name the actor that Carl was taking the place of in the film, and of of, and of, and of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, the, the, the the the the the, the the the, the the the the the the the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the the, the th, th, th, the, the, the, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thean, thi.a', thi.g, thi, they.g, the the thi, the the the the that he's performing opposite. Ricky.Joveys at XFM.K. Lovely. Do I play something from there? I would love to. It would seem appropriate. Yeah. Dear Mr. Simon and Mr. Garth Uncle, please let's not have the sound of silence. Let's have some more beautiful music. Get back together, please, quickly. Uh, X- please quickly. I think you should do every single link. It's the best bit of the show.

It's on XFM 104.9. Are we going to have time to play the clip again before I don't know before 2 o'clock let's say? people are not listening to the question is that what you're just... Some people are not listening to the question. Oh dear people are not listening to the question. Is the question. Is the question. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. the question. to. to. to. the question. to. the question. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, their, their, their, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th... the. the.. the. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the, the, to the question. Oh dear. Okay, we'll play it again at about two there. And personally any excuse to hear it again because I think it's I think Carl should go out and get the DVD. I think it's embarrassing to give away the VHS. Yeah, you have to get it. You have to go out and buy the DVD later. Carl, on the DVD, it got some cheap 699 version yeah and so because you were being mean because it was your own money you're gonna have to waste that now because no one wants it so it's gonna cost you twice as much as it would

have done if you just got the DVD the first time around a valuable lesson learned yeah yeah I've ever rewound it there's a penalty if you've not no you haven't rewound it go and get it to the DVD the DVD the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th I I the the th some I to go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to to to you to to to you to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the They're going to win a DVD. No I looked at the DVD and it was 18 quid. Go and get it and claim it back. No, you've got away. What a cheap station this is. It's like rages. I mean, oh. Do you go on with the other prizes with what we're giving away later? What is this for rockbusters? Well we don't give away prizes we throw away prizes. Yeah, it's really cleaning out some drawers and XFM. Go on. I'm just having a quick look through before I... Because we've sort of revamped rockbusters a bit, there's that extra bit, isn't it now, isn't that audio bit? You're selling it, big, a big cell.

Oh, we've not got to get into that yet. There's a DVD there. I'll go through them later, Rick. orbit. So who did Carl play in the clip? What actors place did he take and what actress played opposite him? That's Ricky. Jovey's at XFM.co. UK. Sure. For then? Yeah. Is that it then? What we got? We've got a bit of coal play. Bit of coal play. A bit of coal play be all right. Look how they shine for you. Col-Prol-Yi-all the things that you do. Coldplay, yellow on XFM, 104.9. Get it on DVD. It's an embarrassment. Seven quids worth of old video, pan and scanned. I bought it now, that's what they're getting. Right.

He put a downer on it. All the work, you know, they went into that and then just going to fob them off with a bit of old celluloid like that. Listen, still to come, right? We've got the monkeys thing. Oh, chimpanzee that! And when I I th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th tho tho tho tho the monkeys thing. Oh chimpanzee that! And when I was out last Sunday, right, on his birthday party, Steve was there. Yeah. Got talking about stuff. And a debate that we didn't really finish, cropped up. It blew your mind, didn't it?

Amazing. Oh, I know about this. Steve told me. This is the infinite amount of monkeys or a monkey with a typewriter and an infinite amount of time would eventually come up with the works of Shakespeare. There was no debate, it's a philosophical mathematical problem. There's no debate it's true. No, listen, Carl, listen. Infinity sorts it all out for you, right? An infinite amount of monkeys at a type way, right?

They would do everything. They type everything. Infinity just sorts it all out for you. There's no getting to it and they're going, oh well, let's have a look what they've done. This one come close. Romeo and Julio. It would do it all.

It would type everything ever possible, conceivable. Yeah, but it's a mathematically... Well, we've heard your side of the argument. I'll be honest with you, it's a persuasive one, but let's see it Carl, because he heard about this in a pub last week, so he's got some strong ideas to tell. What's your problem with it? Well, first of all, right, you're saying it's a load of monkeys. It's not just one monkey that's... It depends. No, no, wait, wait, wait. It's either a chimpanzee with a typewriter with an infinite amount of time, he would eventually, by definition, mathematically, type everything ever possible, okay? Or it's an infinite amount of chimps with type writers, and one of them will type it first time. But already, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's not right, that's not right, that's not right, that's not right, that's not right, th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. their, their, too, too, too, toe, toe, to. Wait, to. Wait, to. Wait, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. Wait, their. Wait. Wait, their. their. their. their. their. their. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. their. tipa. tipan. tipan. tipan. tipan. tipan. tipanan. tipanan. tipan. tipanan. tipan. it first time. But already that's that's sort of that's not right you either need to have what what you mean? Employment laws what it's not right? Let's hear him out.

If it's one monkey yeah with a typewriter that's got loads of ink in it and that right at least it knows where it's done in the past. Don't it's not it's not a load of monkeys it's like if you have th a th a th a th a th a that that that that that's that's that's that's th that's that's that's th th th that's that's that's th th th th. that's that's that's th. that's to that's to to that's to th. to to that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to to the to the to to to to to to tip right right right right right right right right right right right right right right. to to to to tip right right right right right right. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to in the past. Don't, it's not... Keep going! If you've got a load of monkeys, it's like, it's like if you have too many, what's that saying about, too many chefs... Too many chimps, spoil the soup. Right? Well, it's the same thing. It's like, well, I didn't tell you to put hear the rest. This blows my mind. He doesn't know what this does to me. It's a mathematical problem. I want to hear the rest. Well, it's just, I just don't think it will happen. What do you mean you don't think it happened? Infinity works it out for you by definition. Well, what's stopping them typing the same thing again?

They would, in fact, the problem should be. the problem, in, in, in, the problem, the problem, the problem, the problem, the problem had an infinite amount of time that it would type, that works a Shakespeare an infinite amount of times and everything else an infinite amount of times. But you know, that's not, that's just, that's not as... But not Shakespeare. Oh! Shut up! You're the idiot! Rick, do you know what he said to him? I said to him, I said you've got an infinite number of rankies, infinite number of type writers, they will type the complete words for Shakespeare. He said, have they read Shakespeare? You're an idiot! I said, no, I'm not having this conversation. I'm not having it, I'm not

not having it because it really, really winds me up. But you're saying they'll do it with no spelling errors. Well, they do it, they do it an infinite amount of times. And they do it, they do it wrong, an infinite amount of times. And they do it, and they spell the last full stop, wrong, an infinite amount of times. And they do it, and they get one thing wrong in Hamlet wrong, an infinite amount of times. But are they going off a story? But are they're their their their th they've got. PARE RECORC! CLEARC! I'm just saying... Shut up! Do they know the story? Oh, they're monkeys!

Oh, Christ. Okay. Lloyd, Lloyd Carl. the t- the girl, and I'm a man. Good that, isn't it? My next FM.

One-04. Lloyd Carl, she's a girl and I'm a man. Good that, isn't it? My next FM, 104.9, because of a Steve merchant, Carl Pilkington. As ever, Rick, there's always someone who steps in to defend Carl. Okay, what is the defence? What is the defence? Here's an email from Scott Coomer. He says, Carl is actually right. I've got an A-level in statistics and probability, it doesn't matter how long they have and how many monkers you have, you cannot guarantee they would type the complete works of Shakespeare. Infinity makes it probably they would get it right but not definite. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I was saying, Carl. You don't understand it.

Infinity sort of sorts it out. If they do, if they do anything, they're nearly do everything, won't they? No, I mean they'll give it a good shot. No, that's not the point. I'm not surprised if they did one page right now. Right, listen, it's not to do with consciousness. It's not to do with them aiming. They are just bashing away at the keyboard. It's like they're used to show that their't consciousness. They chose the chimpanzee because it can type, presumably,

it's because they hadn't come across you at the time. Yeah, yeah. It's to take out thought out of it. It's to take out reason and trying, right? It's just random. They're saying that if you typed enough things, if a computer was left as a type in everything if you left it for an infinite amount of time and they chose Shakespeare because there is meaning behind it and it's difficult to get it exactly right to show you that infinity would come up with a... it's not just Shakespeare it's every novel

it's everything. Fairly eloquent there from Javise a quick repost please from Carl Pilkington. No I'm just saying what I don't understand if it hasn't read it then how does it know where it's gone? Oh I listen right okay listen right I can't explain to people right some people have said oh why you crawl to Carl he drives me mental with things like that what do you mean well? Well can I just well? Well let me just take a breath of a how do you their ending? It keeps coming in in the week you know you you you you you you you you you that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that to to that to to to to to to to to to that to to to to to that to to that that that that that that that that that that the that the the the to the the the the to to the the to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th th th th. th. th. th. I th. I try try try. I try try try try try try to try to to to to to to to to to to to the. I to to He keeps coming in the week. You know that I work here properly in the week, don't I've got a proper job, yeah? Should be 9 to 5, but I normally get in about 8 o'clock and work about 8 o'clock. Working hard, try to do my job.

3 times this week, I've been rushing around, I walk past my little studio, he sat in there, all right? Now, because I, because I, because I, because I, because I, because I, because I, because I, because I, because I, because I, because I, because I, because I, because I, because I, because I, because I, because I've their, because I've their, because I've their, because I've their, because I've got, their, I've got, I've got their, I've got, I've got, I've got, I've got, I've got, I've got, I've their, I've their, I've their, I've their, I've there, I've there, I've there, I've there, I've there, I've there, I've their, I've their, I, I, I'd their, I'd their, I'd their, I'd their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. th. th. th. th. th to th th th th th th th th th th th th thirty thirty thirty, their, their, their, their, their got this sort of job, I can get away with it. I said to him, if I was a doctor, what do you keep coming to me practice? If you were a doctor, there'd be severe problems with the NHS. Oh, imagine that. The standards would have lowered so much to if you can arrive at the hospital you're a doctor. Well, pop in, I'll go to go, don't we? I go, tho. I'm the standards. Well, I' the standards. Well, I'll the standards. Well, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm the standard. the standard. the standard. the standard. the standard. the standard. the standard. the standard, I'll, I'll, I'm, I'm, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll. the standard. the standard. the standard. the standard. the standard. the standard. I's, I's, I's, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if. Well, if. Well, if. Well, if. Well, if. Well, if. Well, if. Well, I'll. Well, I'll. Well, I'll. Well, I'll. Well, I'll. Well, I'll. the the the the the the the tod. toda. today. today. today, I'm. the the the the today, I'll. the the the's go now I was going oh you're doing me Edding. Well when I was talking about the monkey conundrum with Carl he said to me right if I had a day off work and I was saying watching the TV and with one hand I was typing a type writer would I type Shakespeare I mean. Yeah but you see there's certain things we're wea we're we're we're we're we're we're the we're we're the we're talk talking a talking a talking a to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the told told the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tod toda' cunnunnunnunnunnunnunnunnun-coe conundrum. tunundrum. toda' c. toda' Einstein and I said he's not that good you know he equals MC square you know

it sounds good but I've never used it and that I've never used it you haven't used two and two equals four Carl the fellow with an apple fell on his head you know it could have been anyone sat under that tree I mean it's just annoying lucky and Newton gets all the credit for his laws of the universe? Well, a lot of people were working whilst he was having a lunch break under the tree. So in a way, it's like he didn't deserve to have that success story. Again, forget the apple and the tree and whether he was sitting down and having lunch break.

It's totally irrelevant. Yeah, but what I'm saying is there's there's the there's the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their the certain things that will just happen. You know, it's like I think we were talking when we were out eating the other week, we were talking about Noel Gallagher. Well this is reason that the monkey discussion came up, right? We were Noel Gallagher... I don't know what to say. I don't know what to say. I don't know where to start with some of his statements. Well, as I say, this discussion began because we were talking about a quote that Noel Gallagher supposedly gave.

Now I don't want to misquote Gallagher, but the gist of it was the gist of it was the. He said, had I written Wonder Wall or whatever, instead of I'd be the Beatles, I'd have written, the great songwriters, I don't know where their their their that was considered the great songwriter and it wouldn't be the Beatles. You know, it's just the fact that they came first that meant that they get all the credit as being the greatest band. I don't know where they start with that statement either. I mean that's kind of a good thing and he's, you know, whatever, we know what the things, we think we thinne, their th, th, and he's th, and he's th, and he's, and he's, and he's, and he's, and he's, and he's, and he's, and he's, and he's, and he's, and he's, and he's, and he's, and he's, and he's, and he's, and he's, and he's, and he's, and he's, and he's, and he's, and he's, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and he's, and he's, and he's, and he's kind, and he's, and he's kind, and he's, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, the.. Well, the. Well, the. Well, th. Well, th. Well, that's, well, that's, that's, th. Well, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's you got a room that's painted red, right? But forget that because that's going to confuse him out. Hear him out.

Listen to me. Say if they did some new TV show, right? Like, what's that film with Jim Carrey and where the, uh, the Truman show, right? So they make up a little room and some woman has some kids and you say right let's their th.................. A th. A th. A th. A th. A th. A th. A th. A th. A th. A th. A little th. A little th. th. th. thu, th. they, they, they're, they're, th. they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, th. He. He. He. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. th. they're, th. they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, to. they're, to. they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they's put the kids in this room and they don't know what's going on outside they don't know anything about like East Enders and that is like their little world right they don't know anything that's gone on. How could a child survive without Eastenders? Right listen so he's sat in the room right and then when they're all asleep, right? Wait for this but they're all in a room. Yeah. They're asleep.

Someone pops in, puts a guitar next to the bed. Right? Mips off out again. They wake up in the morning and one of them goes, what's this? They don't even know what's this. They don't even know what it is. They'll talk in English tho. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. they'. they'. they'. th. their. their. th. th. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. their tho. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their. their tho. tho. tho. thooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooome. their their the. the. the. the. to come. So, one of them will pick it up and they'll go, I don't know what it is, and they'll start strumming, they'll go, that sounds good, don't it? Give him a few weeks, they could come up with Hey Jude, whereas saying typing Shakespeare,

a monkey that can't even spell. I'll see that. I'll see that. Can't answer it. We've got a sort of that Christmas special as well. Yeah, no, sure. All right, I'll see that out. I'll shoot off then as well. Cheers, pal. Cheers. Cheers. I'm going.

I'm going. Roe-Bos, Scheme, Yosie, Yishiney, y'all's the pink robots. Flammyn'a's. Yeshimi Battles the Pink Robots and XFM, one of 4.9. Before the ad break, Steve Miller Band, Fly Like an Eagle. Great track. Lovely to hear that. Brilliant track. We're not scared of playing that sort of stuff, are we?

We've got some great... I think we're underestimated here. People think we're just like, you know, two guys and a bif- two guys in a toy- th... th... to to to to- to- to- to- to-a a to- to-a, to-a, to-oer-oer-oer, to-o, to-o, to-o, to-o, to-o, to-o, to-a, to-a, to-o, to-a, to-a, to-a, to-a, to hear, to hear, to hear to hear to hear to hear to hear to hear to hear, to hear, to hear, to hear, to hear, to-a, to-a, to-a, to-a, to-a, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, th. thr-s. thr-s. thr-s. thr-s. thr-s. thr-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-s. thr-s. thr-s. thr-s. thr-s. their Saturday, afternoon, listening pleasure. If there was an infinite number of us three in an infinite number of studios broadcasting for an infinite number of shows, would we ever do anything half decent? Yeah, we eventually. Would we ultimately come up with something quite good? What was that email that you were laughing? I can, it's too rude? It's too, it's too nasty. Oh, go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Give me the gist. The g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g gi. The gi. The gi. The gist. The gist. The gist. The gist. the gist of the gist of the gist of the gist of the gist of the gist of it the gist the gist of the gist. the gist of it the gist the gist the gist the gist the gist the gist the gist the gist their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. th. th. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. th. The gist of it was that it would mean that if there was that infinite number of monkeys, eventually, besides the fact that they would type the complete words of Shakespeare, they would also type the sentence, Carl Pilkington is a genius. But the email also said it would also type, Rickie Javais is a cunned. But uh, Ricky Javayace is a cund. Exactly. Yeah, that would be there a lot.

Before we carry on it with anything I should just tell you, we're on the subject of emails. There's one emailer we're always looking forward to hearing from. DICKS! DICKS! RICKSICKS! RICKS! RITT! RITSENT! RU! RIT! RICKS! RICKS! RICKS! RICKS! RICKS! RICKS! RICKS! RICKS! RIT! RIT! RIT! RIT! RIT! RIT! RIT! RIT! RIT! RIT! RIT! RIT! RIT! RIT! RIT! R! RIT! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! RIT! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R! R Thanks for emailing. He's my biggest fan. He's one of the biggest fans. He absolutely loves me. But not afraid to offer some constructive criticism. Go on. That's the same thing about Dickie. And from Anders this week he says, Ricky, I'm lazy, I taught nonsense, I'm badly organized and I believe in ghosts. Can I have a job working on your show? Ha ha ha ha ha? Possi. Possibly Anders, maybe sending a CV or email a TV. It's. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. But, not, not, not. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. But, not. But, not. But, not. But, not. But, not. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, not. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. thi. tha. th or email a TV in that. It's quite a little bit of all of us in that, isn't it?

I asked if he's a goggle-like freak, Steve. All right, calm down. Well, I didn't mean... No, I didn't necessarily mean you, did I? No, I was thinking about that, actually, Steve. Oh God. Just talking of the older... What? Talking of the what? No, do you know like... This better be good. No, you don't have that many girlfriends and that.

What do you mean? Carl, why are we on this? I was defending you in the whole monkey discussion. Come on, what's your point? What's your point? What's the point? What's the point? infinite number of Steve's? You know, you're an odd-looking fella. Come on, Carl, get to the... No, you know I know that.

I've told you that loads of times. What do you mean you know I know that? Well, there's no point pretending any more. Steve? I'm flabbergasted. But also you don't like spending money. It's mean and weird looking. Valentine's Day.

No. I'm going to... Oh. Are you sort of, uh... You've got to love him now, haven't you? What are you happier with? The fact that no girls like you enough, right? This is mental.

This is really mental. Or are you happy because you don't have to spend any money on a card for someone? A little from column A? A little from column B? Wait, let's have more monkey news. What we've got to have more? What happens? We've got to have more, to get into this show. Insults? What hangs me with Carlis. You know he's been planning that? No, wait. We've got so much. I've to. We've to... I I I I. I. I. I. I have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to spend. I. I. I. I. I. I. I don't have to spend. I don't have to spend to spend any to spend any money. I. I. I to spend any to spend any. We to spend any. I. We to have to have to have think we've got enough, we don't need the insults. There's no more insults. What hangers me with Carl is you know he's been planning that. No, I haven't, I was, well, I was thinking about it on the way in because Valentine's Day is coming up and I'm not a big fan of it.

Condoms? fair? No but I don't just treat her on Valentine's I'm always, do you know what I mean? You don't even treat her on Valentine's? You don't even treat her at Christmas or on her birthday? When do you treat? Hang on a minute. Wait a minute? Wait a minute? What was that? Tiffany Dog? I treat your girlfriend better than you and I've only met it twice? I took her out last night and she enjoyed herself. Where'd you go? Until she had to write the check. Where do you go? To a Chippy? That I really... Oh my god. To a Chippy? No, a really quality one. Right. Oh God! Under a fibre for two... Oh God. Not newspaper, grease bread. And bread.

Hand bread. And bread. Ash and sometimes. I'm a together Sometimes. Ash and sometimes. Anxfm. I'm looking at you've aged with me, Steve Merchant and Carl Pilkington. We've got so much to get through it.

All right. All right. London's shit, isn't it? Sorry, I swear on an on-air studio. Never swear on an on-air studio. Yeah. Apologies. Not really swearing is. Oh. So yeah, graduate, you're going to play that again and give a winner? Give a winner. Well let's hear it. So it's Carl Pilkington featuring in the graduate. Yeah. Well, here you go then. So, are you ready for it?

And I've brought some condoms from home that Suzanne got for Chris. What? Will you bring me a hanger? A hanger. I'll tell you what, I've got wood. Just saying I've got wood. Just saying I've got wood. I've got metal ones as well. What sort do you want?

Either one would be fine. All right. There you go. Are you afraid of me? Uh, no. I've seen weirder things than you. Uh, no. I've seen weirder things than you. Have they ever told you about the two lads I went to school with who had big heads? Web fingers as well, but not related and weren't mates, but both of the same thing, which is a bit weird. Uh, yeah, I'd never found out what was wrong with them. Can I ask you a personal question? As long as it's not about my head being round, because Rick is always going on about that. It's saying I've got a round Ed. Well, you can admit that, can't you? No, I'd say it's a normal

sort of shape. It's just round. It is, isn't it isn't it? Yeah but what do you mean? So it's yours? Ed should be round. It's nothing to be ashamed. I'm not ashamed. It's just a normal shape. And you can talk, look at your saggy arse. Anyway, hit your neckers off. Oh dear. A classic, an Oscar winning classic. Oh, Carl Pilkington in the graduate. But what was the question, Steve? The question was which actor was Carl Pilkington taking the role of? Well, that's easy. Which actors was he performing opposite? I know that. And the answer is Ricky? Hoffman. And Bankroft, Dustin Hoffman. And the 699 VHS cassette is going to Laura Gomez because she says that she'd be happy with the VHS. the question. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the V. the the V. the the V. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. But th. But th. But th. But th. But th. But was th. But was th. But was was was was was was was th. But was was th. But was was was was was th. But was was was was was was th. But was was was was was th. But was was was was th. But was was was th. But was was th. But th. But th. But th. But th. But th. But th. But the question the question the question the question the the the the the the the the the th. the the the. the the the the the the the the Bancroft, Dustin Hoffman and the, ha ha ha, 699 VHS cassette. It's going to Laura Gomez because she says that she'd be happy with the VHS, not the DVD,

so, uh, best like to her, I hope she enjoys that. All right? Yeah? What we do next week? Uh, oh, oh, got loads of, um. Um, uh, uh, I quite like hearing Carl in a sort in a, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh it, it gives you another dimension. I know. E.T. it is then. Ha ha ha. Have you seen 8 Mile, really? I really enjoyed it. You'll notice Exhibit makes a little cameo in that. Yeah, and that last bit, that wrap-off at the end, it was lovely. It was so, it was just like, it was like Rocky or something. Should we have a wrap-off, maybe the next way to three of us?

Yeah. Let's try and them master the art of talking civilly to each to each to each to each to each to each to each to each to each to each to each to each to each other first before we start making it Rome. Rockbusters Carl? Yeah. I'm not a champion of rockbusters as you know but I think it's overstayed it's welcome. Well I think Carl's just giving the fans what they want here. Okay. It's a poppy the thing in it. Got some good prizes.

The press is behind it. Let me tell you on the station. Well I put that on quite a lot and I don't do it to herself. There's the original motion picture soundtrack to the forthcoming film adaptation when you've seen the film I'm sure that will mean more to you. You like that the good movie yeah Nicholas Cage and a twin brother and it's written by Spike John joined at the what the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they. It's they. It's is director. It's they. It's they. It's is is. It's is. It's is. It's is. It's is. It's is. It's is. It's is. It's is is. It's is is is. It's is is is is is. It's is is is is is is. is. is is. is. is. is. is. I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the're not joined at the hip or at the face. And we've also got the best one-hit wonders album in the world ever. What have we got on there? We've got things like the Crazy World of Arthur Brown, brilliant. Nina, 99 Red Balloons.

The Rembrun- it, in fact, it kicks off with Naina. Sure. That's followed up by, I'll be the th that the worst name ever? I think it possibly is. No, Sixpence, none the rich. That's a pretty bad name. Okay, again, I know we've got a lot of chillout fans who listen to us. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the best chill out album ever. Bearer. Bear in mind, of course, all these prizes collated by Carl. I guess people's draw. Yeah, looking in a drawer. the draw. the draw. the draw. the draw. the draw. the draw. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. That's. That's. th. That's. That's. th. That's. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the, I mean it's topical, if nothing else, Carl, a 7 inch by the White Stripes, Merry Christmas from the White Stripes, that was their exclusive Christmas singles. So if... That's early, isn't it? That's early, isn't it? It's worth. It is worth it. A lot of people have got to wait 11 months before that's released? Or is it last Christmas is? Exactly. And I have I have never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never their to to to to their their their their their th. I have never th. I have never to th. I have never th. I have their their th. I have th. I have th. I have their. I have their their. I've their. I their. I. I. I. I. I. I. I their. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. their. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. their. their. their. their. this DVD. I'd like to think of myself as being fairly familiar with TV and films, but I've never heard of Stephen King's Rose Red. Welcome to a place Evil calls home.

And it's on DVD, it's certificate 12, so don't imagine anything too shocking. And it looks appalling. Is Rose Red Manchant truly haunted to find out Professor Duh, so mighty. Okay, we've got the gist of it. They're not very good prizes. They're cobbled together, but if you've got nothing better to do, call in if you know the answers to these clues. It's rockbusters. Let's not let them call in, Rick. Please don't let these people call in. I give you some email only. It's email only. It's email only. It's email only. to speak to you people.

Right, so I give some initials out and a cryptic clue and it makes up the answer and that. Wow, sometimes it does, yeah, go on. There's two of them, there's a new aspect which I'll explain about in a minute. So the first one is a cryptic clue is, well if he would have been wearing an helmet it would have been alright, B. Well, well, well, well, well, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, and thi, and thi, and thi, and it, and it, and it thi, and it's thi, and it's thi, and it's thi, and it's thi, and it's thi, and it's thi, and it's thi, and it's thi, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thrip, thripe, thripe, thripe, thripe, thripipip, thi's thripip, thi's thi's thi, alright. And the initial there is B, right? So well if he would have been wearing an helmet it would have been alright, B, right? Pandora and artist. Second one, why are them Jamaican fellas swinging fish around their head? Okay. All right, initials fills me with...

D.S. Why are them Jamaican men swinging fish around their head, all right? And the final bit, two rockbusters, it's a new bit. Last week I played you this. Look at his face, goes along with it. That's someone beating up a dog. That was smack my bitch up, right? So here's some sound effects on that and they make up a song. I can listen to him talk all day. Let's have I listen told you not to play that one. It's rubbish. No one will get that. I'll see. I heard that. I can't really say it's rubbish. No one I said it's rubbish. No one I said it's rubbish. No one I'm the one you think it is. Ah right. So email in. Ricky Dovase XFM. Coday and you can win that. I'm a little bit confused. I'm the thired. I'm thired. I'm thired. I'm thired. I'm thired. I'm thired. I'm thired. I'm th. I'm th. I'm the th. I'm th. I'm the the th. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's the. It's. It's the. It's. It's.'s happening. What's that? Is that a clue, that's a cryptic clue that screaming, is it?

It was screaming? Well don't say it, it should stand up by itself. Don't give them any clue. Hang on a sec. Hang on a sec. the name of the song. I said we should abandon this! I said we should just pack it in. What the show? Yes!

I'm looking at his face, his headphones are too loud. Instead of turning them down and he's just grimacing going, these are too loud. I don't understand it. How have you lived this long? How did you make it to 30 without getting squashed or eating something deadly poisonous? I told you, I used to choke a lot. We've had an email from... placebo, the bitter end.

We've had an email from Andrew Forrest who has just simply entitled it, Carl Pilokton. Oh, Carl Pilichton. And that's got to be your new name from now on. Oh. I had a mate who, uh, who used to use it. What, you should call you that? Was that your nickname? school, Pilerton? No, it's not.

It is now. No, it's not. It is now. Pillicton. Ooy, Pelicton. Ooy, Pelicton. O'Pillacton, do my own work, actually. Where do you come from?

Pilicton? Mark, who used to go to school with, who used to call me that. And his ma'am, right, was like obsessed with cleaning, and I was never allowed in there flat. He makes the place look untidy. So she used to, I don't know if it was just me or all his mates, but I used to turn up and she goes, yeah he is him, but you know what you've got to do, and I used to have to go round the side of his flat and he had a computer right which I used to play I didn't have one at that point but he had one and I used to have to go around the side of the flat and stand at his bedroom window with his window and I'd be sort of leaning in playing the game.

You are joking. You are the weirdest laughing. You had the weirdest laughing I've ever heard. The thing you were willing to do is the strangest. What is this town like? No, I stopped going once in a minute. There's the horse in the house there. Oh look, these two kids were big heads and webbed feet. All right, Ronnie, all right, Reggie? What was it like? She was, she was obsessed. It is like you've grown up in a cartoon made for children. Yeah. No, his ma'am was really obsessed with cleaning. When, um... Can I play through his window? I used to, Mrs. Ram's bottom.

Can I play through Mark's window? All right, you know what you have to do? All right, you know whattook to be up doing the tiles in the kitchen. Washing until three in the morning? And for ages and ages, that's saying that out on the tiles, I used to think that came from, like, his man, because she was out, like, cleaning them late, so until I was about 13, I thought that saying, out late on the tiles was... And now you're not confused by anything? There's no misunderstandings in your life now is there? So what was he was allowed to walk in and out of the house was he? He was alright but and he used to come around to ours a lot and ma'am used to get these pies from Agambacks right? So... I don't know what that is. that bakery where they used to their to their. So I their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is. their is their is. their is. their is. So is. So is. So is. So is. So is. So is. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. I is. It is. It is. It is. It's is. It's is. It's is. It's is. So. It's. It's their ttttttto. So. So. So, I. So, I was. So, I was. So, I was. So, I was. So, I was. So, I was. So, I was. So, I was told you about. Oh, you're at six. He loved it, but I could never go round to theirs. Or if it did, it was like, well, yeah, he is in and I go, all right, and

then I'd walk around the side of the flat. Stand outside. Why did you ever knock at the door? Why'd just go around and knock on the window. You say it was a flat it wasn't like a fifth story one and you had to get in one of those kind of cleaning contraptions and like winch your way up. I love the idea of that. Oh I think we've done the tipeton. Oh, Pilokton. What do you mean? I think we've done enough here? We'll play a got got got got got got got got got the the the the th. Have th. Have th. Have th. Have th. Have th. Have th. Have tham in the next... Let's do monkey news now. I need to monkey news. No, I think we've done enough here, right? What do you mean? I think we've done enough here. We'll play a little song, eh?

What? Play, um, play the ferve. All right. Hey? Go ahead. He's getting all stressed because I screamed. Sparky's Dream, Tunis fan club. I'll tell you, I'm sick of the screaming, Rick, I'm sick of that. I mean, no wonder Carl hates you, and that is the word I don't use often, but he does. And I've spoken of you in the past and he loathes you. Give us one of the audience gets a taste but I'm taking my headphones. Now I'm not going to scream. Go on let's see what you were doing. Was it worse than that? Yes. Right, come on, monkey news?

It's not called monkey news. Chimpanzee, we're not going to pack all the monkey stuff in. We've got quarter of an hour. What other show can say that? We've got, we're not going to pack in all the monkey news. We've got 15 minutes but we can't get all the monkey information. Right, go on. You're gonna love this one. Go on. Is there, yeah, let's have the jingle? Oh, chimpanzee that! Right. Um, I don't know how recent this was. Oh God. 17th century? But it happened in acne, right? If you're outside London, that's a place in London. And it's this monkey that's going about acne, nicking DVDs. Even the monkey didn't go for videos! Even the monkey knew old video's no point in getting on VHS.

Because you're on VHS! Do it back! Right, and there's a girl called Leithre who works in our office here, right? And I mentioned it to her because she lives in Hackney. I said, you're familiar with this? And she said, oh, I remember something about it, which annoyed me. The fact that a monkey monkey is running riot but she couldn't, she didn't know the full story and she lives there. What do you mean a monkey? Do you mean a chimpanzee or a monkey? I don't know, is he a zoo in Hackney? Is there a zoo there? I don't know what it was. But it was like... Is there a zoo in Hackney? I don't know, that's what I was asking.

So anyway, so yeah, it's been robbing stuff. And the other bit that really puzzled me, right, is the fact that... And you're not easily puzzled by Monkey News? They took fingerprints. What do you think about that? Well, they took fingerprints, presumably because they didn't know it was a monkey to start with. No, they did. They saw it, they saw it, nick him stuff. And they said, get fingerprint. So that means is more than

just one doing it. I'm going to have a heart tie. He had to fax them to Interpol. Yeah, yeah. We know that is, yeah. It's bright, it's bright, it's bright in the monkey. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, I don't understand. He was stealing DVDs. the throwne. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thin. th. th. the. th. th. the. thi. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the., breaking into homes? Yeah, in Hackney. Are you sure it wasn't a kid with a mask on? No, seriously. How is he breaking into homes? They're good, aren't they? They're good, aren't they?

But how would they do that? So is that the news? Well, that's how much do you want? Is that monkey news? that? Well, I don't know that it's the news. the news. the news. the news. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the their. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. th. How. th. th. th. th. the. th. th. th. th. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th.......................... the. the. the. the. the. the. the. don't know that it's true. Again, I've got nothing to... There was other stuff, there was another story that I found about a monkey, but I would like to know from someone in Hackney if... do you know what I mean? And I missed that one on crime watch, which would have been good, right? But there was another story about one that, uh, the that the the the the th. th. thukedue thukedue thukedue thukedue thu s s s s s s' thukedue thukedue thukedue. thukedue. But thur- thea' tho' their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their there's there's there's there's there's there's there was another story, there was their their their their their their their their their their thi thi thi thi thi thi the. the. the. the. the. theate. theateat thee. theat thee. theeat thoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. There kept getting on buses, not paying its fair, not paying its fare, and just sat in a corner reading the paper. Carl, you're an idiot.

Well, that wasn't in London. You're an idiot? That was an American. It wouldn't read the paper? Because it was its way of sort of going, oh well if I'm reading something, the inspector. Well, if I'm reading something, the inspector, the inspector. Carl, Carl, the inspector. I I I the inspector. I I I I the inspector. I I the inspector. I I the inspector. I the inspector. I the inspector. I the inspector. I the inspector. I the inspector. I've the inspector. I've the inspector. I've the inspector. I've the inspector. I've the inspector. I've the inspector. I've the inspector. I've the inspector. I've the inspector. I've the inspector. I'm the inspector. I'm the inspector. I'm the inspector. I'm the inspector. I'm the inspector. I'm the inspector. I'm the inspector. I'm the inspector. I'm the inspector. I'm the inspector. I'm the inspector. I'm the inspector. I the inspector. I the inspector. I the inspector. I the inspector. I the inspector. I the inspector. I the inspector. I the inspector. I've the inspector. I've the inspector. I've the inspector. He's the inspector. He's the the the the inspector. He's the the inspector. He's the the the inspector. He's the inspector. He's the inspector. He's the inspector. He's the inspector. He's the the the the the the the the inspector will notice my hairy hands. Oh, Carl, you're such a fool! Well, Pillicter. Carl Pilipton.

Carl have just had a news flash that an infinite number of monkeys in Hackney and Icking an infinite number of typewriters. Yeah. We don't know what for at this stage we've got no more information. And they've taken back an infinite amount of graduate on video because this is rubbish. See the grass, seeing the light. I just think the people sort of, other Saturday going, you come in shopping, I can't listen to XFM, there might be some monkey news. And they waited two hours for that. What sort of a show, has a feature called Monkey News. What sort of a show has a feature called monkey news?

Well I have to say the monkey story has been cooperated. Someone has emailed. Which one? Well this one it says police in Britain this week are on the lookout for a very different kind of burglar. A chimpanzee who has been cited breaking into a house in Hackney, stealing a mobile phone and leaving. The chimp is also the prime suspect in a break and entry in a nearby house where part of a radio was taken. One policeman stated that it might have been trained to steal but a monkey's

not going to think that's a mobile phone I'll just have that. Look at Carl's face. Yeah fact fact. So, um, rockbusters then. Get these out the way, we're running out of time now. I have to say now that we've had no answers that have attempted even to guess all three. Right, you see, now, see, that's because you're an idiot. Right, okay, right, do the question, do the questions, any answers? And if, if I think that it's either too hard or ungettable- because because because, because, because, because, because, thable, thable, thable, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that, that, that, that, that, that, thre, that's thi, that's that's that's that's that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th's either too hard or ungetable because it's stupid, we're binning it. All right. I thought we'd already been, I'm annoyed that. Right, come on, do, do it, do it quickly? The first one was, well, if he would have been wearing an helmet, it would have been alright.

What's the answer? That was B. What's the answer? What's the answer? Bustid? Busted. That's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do, do. Do. Do, do. Do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do it. Do, do it. Do, do it. Do, do it. Do, do it. Do, do it. Do, do, do it. Do, do, do, do it. Do, do it. Do, do, do, do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do have given up Rick. People aren't even bothering to contribute. Right, what's the next way? They've just ignored it like it never happened. Uh, bastard. Busted. Second one. Um, Bastard. Why them Jamaican men swinging fish around their head? Go on. That was DS. Yeah. Uh, 70s band. Detrout spinners. Yeah. The Detroit spinners have become the Detroit spinners. Okay? Brilliant.

And then the final bit, I play you some effects. Let's hear it. Let's see it. It's terrifying, Carl. It's some of the bit. Well, what's happened there? What was happening? What was happening? No, no, no, what's the answer? That was Born Slippy. The woman was having a baby, the doctor tried to grab it, it fell onto the floor.

That's in your head, Carl. That's just a load of screams. That's in your head! Oh. Oh. Do you know what? I haven't even got onto Born Slippy. I'm still on Did Trout Spinner. Well, let's put a song, that's it. I don't, I don't know what to say. A song for the Ladies, surely. Did anyone get any of those? Let's end with Nick Drake, the Beautiful Riverman, and we'll see you next week. And hopefully Robustletters will be ditched. week and hopefully... Oh, it's just with D-Trout Spinners! Detrout Spinner-Ditch. Well, don't keep saying it!

Say it like that.