The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Xfm S2E27 (February 22, 2003)

Episode Date: September 4, 2022

With the second series of ‘’The Office’’ complete, Gervais, Merchant, and Pilkington returned to XFM in August of 2002 to resume their 2-hour Saturday afternoon broadcasts. Though Pilkington’s name was still not being used in promotional materials, the format mainly centered on his contributions with Gervais and Merchant mostly reacting to the various things Karl said and did, a format that would endure through the remainder of the radio broadcasts and podcasts, concluding in 2012.This was the longest stretch of XFM shows, running 51 weeks until August 2003 when Gervais and Merchant again went on hiatus, this time to record the Christmas Special (finale) for ‘’The Office’’.During the year, Pilkington introduced many of the show’s most notable segments including “ Monkey News”, “Rockbusters”, “Songs of Phrase”, and “The Film Thing”, among others. Karl grew increasingly frustrated with Ricky’s antagonism toward him throughout the year, and over the final few shows, suggested he did not want to continue on. Gervais and Merchant repeatedly said on air they would not return if Pilkington didn’t agree to remain with the show.

We're playing some great moments from the last three weeks. 1.4.9xFM. Richard Yvese, Steve Merchant, Carl Pilkinton's pressing the buttons. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're playing some great moments from the last three weeks. And some great record, Steve, from the last two weeks. That's true enough.

Yeah. We're not actually here great moments from the last three weeks. And some great record Steve from the last two weeks. That's true enough. Yeah. We're not actually here today. What are you up to today, Rick? It's eight hours earlier so this is about two o'clock probably. So it's about six o'clock in the morning. I'm still in bed mate. thr are you? We're in LA. Los Angeles. Yeah. City of Angels. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so that's what we're doing we're doing double that. That's why we're not here. We're not here next week either. So next week is the best of this week. What? What? What? What? What?

Oh, the t-o' tho'n' tho'u tho'n'e'l what? What?

I'm just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I imagine they're just thinking of being in the front row at Morrissey concert. I'm going, oh, can I just play along? They are brilliant. I don't know what kind of sign that is. I don't know. It's only used for when Kenneth Williams yeah, exactly. That's the only time that is used that noise.

That is brilliant. It's like you were specially created for the carry-on films. Yeah, we need, I don't know what it is, but we need something when I walk in and see someone changing. Well, what about this? There is a light that never goes out by the Smiths. I phoned Carl up in the week, yeah. And I said, what are you doing? He went, well, even though it's one of my days off, I'm just doing some research on the web. I went, I found I think he said, yeah, I'm doing science. And then he said, you can get wigs for dogs in

Tokyo. That's this scientific fact. And I went, what do you mean, dogs if they need a wig? I said if they need a wig, what, dogs going bald. And he went, like this is fine to him, he went, it's a stressful city tookia. The world's all right with Carl. He's always got an explanation. I've only ever seen him confused once. When in Edinburgh he looked out of his window one day and he saw a bloke putting a parking ticket on some rubbish. Yeah. And that genuinely confused him. He couldn't work out, could you? It's a bit weird, isn't it?

But, but the same thing... And the woman breastfeeding her eight-year-old child, you didn't like, did you? I don't like that. But, um, what's the name? Animals? The thanks, I kind of,thought about it thought yeah it's a bit daft that. It's just sure it's not the aging pop group no but when you think have you ever seen like a bald pet? No? It's weird. What do you mean? Because my mom we used to get through

loads of cats because we lived on... Oh god it's starting early to die in it! What do you mean? It's only 10 past one? What do you mean you got through a lot of cars? Just because we lived on, no we lived in a restaurant. We lived on... Oh God, what do you mean? No, we lived on like a main road. Oh yeah. So we used to get through a lot of them. It was their risk. You know, stop wasting money, you know right so anyway we had this cat that was ill all the time

and he's just bag of noose probably yeah I'm terrifying to which house wrong oh god bloody owl rung don't let me go to the Pilkingtonnes for some reason it kept being sick all the time yeah that is nice that's definitely news so my man sort of kind of thought I've had enough of this and she shaved it. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Now I know you're not vets in your family, but what correlation did your mom think there

was between you being sick and shaving it? Because it kept being sick and it was a pain to wash because it kept getting caught. So she wanted a dry wipe cat? Why did she just varnish it? What? It's weird. So now he's cold and sick? No, but no, I mean not all of it, she left sort of the back half, but sort of from from its waist, sort of... I love that! Shaving it because it's sick on itself! That is genius! It was the weirdest looking thing. I mean, normally I like cats. I'm always like giving yours a stroke on the head and that. The soon as she did that it was like, oh, yeah.

Poor thing! Can't touch it. So now it's sick, cold and hated? Yeah. I love, I love, I love, I think, I'm, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, like, like, I, like, like, like, like, like, I, like, I, like, like, like, I, like, like, I, like, like, I, I, like, like, the, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the the the the the the the thi. I mean, the other cats must have been taking the Mick out of it constantly. It's just making things worse. Did it get, I'm hoping that it got run over and was put out of its misery. No, I think it got all right that one. Or is that that... Yeah, did you get run over?

Ah! Ah! Oh, God! Oh, dear. How many cats do you say, that,through? I'd say whilst I was living at home. I mean it's still on the increase even though I'm not there. So whilst I was there, probably five. Oh God.

Oh. Oh, were you upset each time or you just got used to it? It's one of them things in it, like I've said before when you first see something it's a bit of a shock do you know what I mean it's like the elephant man or whatever yeah first time you see him it's that sort of oh look at that that the first yeah but I've said this before it's always then you get used to how people look and you don't no no I'm gonna pass I'm gonna pass I. I'm going to play a record. Because that seems...

No, but I've got used to it. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. We have fun them. Well, here we are again. XFM. On a Saturday, just gone one o'clock, Steve.

If I'm very much mistaken, but we're not here as such, we're away again, gallivanting around. We've got to do the special sort of best of again, which we did a few weeks ago, so this is the best of the last three weeks, which I think is, I mean I think it's the best three weeks we ever had, but I'd like it condensed into two hours. Yeah yeah some great music as well in there. Yeah there'd be some great music interspersed with with fine chat that you've already heard. Yeah. Except this bit this bit's new we've actually at the kindness of our heart we've come in we've come in last week. Yeah and we've

done a few clips just because we felt a bit guilty about shooting off. I mean, even now, having heard this link, I'm beginning to wonder if it was worth our time. Yeah. Um, well, should we play a classic link? Let's play, I'd love, what, from the last three weeks? After this, this is Feder. Yeah, yeah, it's just the way I'm feeling. the threat. thr. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. thin. thin. thin. thin. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. I. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. L. I'm. I'm. th. th. th. the. the. th. the. th. th. th. the. th. the. I'm th. I'm th. I'm feeling. Well, if you've just tuned in, it's XFM 104.9, you've got that bit right. Ricky Jovey's Shoe, with me Stephen Merchant. Hello there. Carl is actually in a little booth. We're not in the studio, you see.

This is pre-recorded. We recorded this last week. We're away. weeks since last time we were away when we were at the best of. It's a long time since we've had any white van Carl. For those that don't remember this particular hot feature, we basically asks Carl some of the questions that are asked of a white van driver in the sun. They always have this on Saturday after their thrown. Here's the first one, they're not fascinating, Carl. Yeah. What do you make of Silla Black quitting blind date after her husband sent a message from beyond the grave? You familiar with this story? Yeah, she went to see a medium and supposedly her husband passed on information through the medium which was incredibly vague but persuaded her

to quit live on air. Well, so that is about time, isn't it? If even dead people are saying, enough's enough. But I tell you what though, talking about ghost and that, do you know how I'm into them? Yeah. Right? How weird do you think this is, right? Well it's not true? Before you say it, play a record. No, go on. Go on. Right. It's this woman. I don't even know. I th. I th. th. No go on go on. Right it's this woman I don't even know if it's ghost really it's just a bit weird sure yeah sure is this woman and she's well she's not a woman she's a kid. Sure. Okay she's walking down like a street in her area it's a nice day and everything's normal. She's walking down and a woman comes up cycling past right. The woman on the bike looks at the kid absolutely thifi th th th th th th th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi thi thir thir tre tre tre tre true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's thi. It's true. It's true. It's true. I's true. I's th. I's th. I's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. I I th. It's th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I's the. I's the. I's true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm thr-I's th? The woman on the bike looks at the kid absolutely terrified, right? Got a really scary face on her.

The kid's thinking, why is she doing that? So anyway, she thinks nothing of it, goes, you know, I think she was playing in the park, whatever, it goes and has a nice day. About 15 years later, she's, I don't know, I think she was going tha, tha, tha, tha, she was tha, she's tha, she's tha, she's thi, she's, she's, I don't know, I think she was going to work on a bike. She's riding her own bike. Riding her own bike, cycling down the road, looks at the kid. That's the thing that happened like 15, 20 years ago. Right. It's her on the bike looking at her as a kid.

Right. Not, not another child. No. So it's her, she's seeing herself. Carl? What, I mean, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, thi, she thi, she thi, she thi, she thi, she thi, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she's th. She, th. She, th. She, th. She, th. She, th. She, th. She, th. She, th. She, I th. She, I th. She, I th. She, I th. She, I th. She, I th. She's, thi, thi, thi. She's thi. She's thi. She's thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. She's thi. She's so it's her she's seeing herself. Carl. I mean I don't know where to start. Firstly where's this information come from? But I mean why do you ever can't, I mean I don't know what part of that you think can be true. I don't, I'm honest, I'm, I'm speechless. I don't know what to say. What are you talking about? A bit weird though, isn't it?

But it's not true. It didn't happen, nothing happened like that. She said it did. Who? Who? Who? Who? Who's she saw herself?

? She saw herself. . . . ... Did, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho, th. th. tho, tho, tho, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th, th, th, th, th. It, th. It, th. It. It. It. It. It, th. It. It. It. It, th. It, th. It. It. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, thi. It's, thi. It's, thi. It's, thi. It's, thi. It's, that's, thi. It's, thi. It's, thi by and think that's a bit weird there's me as an eight-year-old I won't stop I'll be late for work yeah yeah yeah yeah if I'm late again the boss said he'd be in trouble yeah oh well where is this information was it did it happen to someone you know no you

you overheard on the bus no it was in the 14 times all right right well good Carl let me ask you th you the the the the the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th tho tho to to to tho tho th to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the th the th the the th the th thi thi thi thi thi thi the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thi th well that's the answer. Good, we've got to the bottom of that. Right, good. Carl, let me ask you now. Carl, you will be a little bit unnerved about this. Have you seen the film Jurassic Park? You know what happened there? Well, according to the sign here, it says scientists are planning to clone mammoths. Look at his face. of a car he's terrified. I love Carl. He's spread to attention there. I love that is that is that the best news you could have? Manmoths. That's why he was so excited that they bred a manmoth. What is this? Yeah, it's a human being that

that hides in your wardrobe and eats an entire jacket in a day. What do you mean manmoths? Mammoths! Mammoth the big hairy cow from the ice age? I mean, elephant? You're not so excited about that then. You can take our leaf bringing back mammoths to life, but a manmoths is a different matter. Oh, if we'd have never brought that up, Eidav Garn and told someone now, you know they've bred an half man, half moth. And that's how things start. This is what we mean when you hear these ghost stories? Are you slightly deaf? Is that it? Is that is it? Is it, I, is, Carl, is English your first language? Are you actually foreign? Is that the thing? Yeah. Should we speak slower? We mean not of this

planet? Yeah. Should we speak slower? Would that be a help to you? No, go on. Next? What do do you think that? Do you think that's good? We all do it? The idea to bring back mammoths? These giant elephants. They're slow, aren't they? It's not as if they're going to be honest, Carl. They'd probably be a fence. But you're asking it as if like, oh it could all go wrong, but it couldn't, could it? Well, but, but the point was about Jurassic Park is they thought it wouldn't go wrong, and they thought they had it all under control. Have you learned that? Have you learned that? the things.

Dinos, dinosaurs, was in the area. He's great, isn't he? I'd love a queue, right? Nothing impresses you. No, but what I'd like to do is Carl, like Yoda in a little cave. And I'd just like to see people like Tony Blair and Stephen Orkin's in a queue, a problem. And thinking of cloning a man and a moth problem? Not an issue, you know if I'm in the area I might push for another and have a look at it, otherwise just don't send it near my clones. Oh, that's fantastic. So it's just for a second.

What was the words man-moth came into your head, how excited were you, I mean, were you both terrified and excited? Were you both terrified, were you both the the the words? the the the th? th. thi? th. thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi-I thi-I thi. thi-I thi-I thi-I thi-I thi-I thi-I thi-I thi-I thi. I I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th th th th th th th. I th. I th. I th. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi-I thi-I thi-I thin. I'm thi-I thin. I'm thi-I'm thi-a-I'm thi-a'-I'm thinin. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi-I thi. I'm the moment when you thought that they cloned a man and a moth. I pictured... What kind of face did he have? Did he have the moth's head or was it a man's head? Just a little man head. Right. What was his face? What did it look like? He just was like a bit like, a bit sharp perplexed. Yeah. It's bit like, so it was like he'd been grafted on to the body of a mothed the mop. the moe the moe the moe the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the mothed th. th. Did th. Did th's th's th's the mothed the mothed the mothed the mothed the mothed the moth's the moth's the moth's the moth's the moth's the moth's the moth's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th's head th's head th's head th's head th's head the's head the. Did the. Did the. Did the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. He just went in for a rather goiter removed and they said we've replaced your goiter with the body of a giant moth. Yeah. Is that all right Mr Jenkins? So he had the head of a little, was it a little boy or a man? Little man. Right, okay. And he's just bumping into a lamp. If you're just bumping into a lamp. If you went into a hospital and they went went into, if you went, if you went, if you went, if you went, if to, if th. If the the the the the th. If, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, the the the the the the the th. If, the thi, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. He, th. He, the, thin, the. He was, threat, threat, thin, thoooooooooooooooom. Wea, with, with, with, the. We were, the. He was th. He was done something. What's the worst thing to do right? What would you rather have done do you right? You wake up and you've got lobster claws for hands. You wake up and you've got ducks feet or you wake up and you've got one horn coming out of your head. The worst thing? Yeah probably the horn coming out on my head. Why? Get in the way. That'd be useful, wouldn't it?

In fights and stuff. And, uh, for like parties, people would play points. Well, I suppose the lobster clots would also be quite handy there. Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, that's a wonderful, wonderful clip and a great record that proceeded or followed it I'm not sure. But, uh, oh dear. Could I make some dedications for it? Because I, last week, just before we had to come in to record this, popped out, trying

to get onto the tube and had a nightmare because there were loads, millions of protesters, so-called protesters. Now a lot of them obviously doing good work. There there, I think you'd have appreciated it because I know you are very politically active and I think this guy has really studied hard and he's realized the best way to make his voice heard on the international political sage is to ride around on a tricycicle wearing a Jester's hat. He was really shaking up the bloody government. I wouldn't want to be George W. Bush about now. Not indeed. Once he sees that, I imagine his AIDS wrestling and going, George W.

Look at this guy. Where's that? That's in London, England. Okay, Carl off the forces. Is that a large tricycle? Yeah. Is he wearing a nappy? Get me Colin, pal. Colin, Colin, Colin,, not Colin, it is the way he likes it. Don't f-boub about, just call off the troops. There's a fucking a Gester's hat. F. F. K, all the troops off. Just bleep some of those bits.

H. H. XFM. X. Hello there. But we're not here, no we're away. So this is the best of and I hope you're enjoying it. We certainly are. I had some exciting news this week, Carl. You'll be pleased to find out. I'm worried that you might get a little bit jealous because it's obviously going to

impact on your world quite strongly because I know you know samey you like the status quo to be maintained you like the fact that in the past you know we've had some crosswords you know because you've I remember what did you think of me while I first walked in when I first came in on the first day I said I don't know why you're making a big deal I'm just honest though I'm just honest about a lot of people you the first time so brought it up and then you're again. But I'm sure that wasn't what he said before. No he did. He was a bit weird. Yeah, well he looked at you and I knew I could see whether look at his face.

You know when you know your kid and your kid sort of scared of someone they go, why don't you kongue. Why don't you? Yeah, you get used to it. And you have changed a little bit, your air is a bit smart and now, and you've got some nicer glasses and that I think. Or I might just got used to it. Oh, I might just get used to it. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.. Yeah.. Yeah.. Yeah.. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. you. you. you. you. you. you. you. you. th. you. th. th like that. So you say that you think some other people in the office thought the same? Do you know that for sure? Did you discuss it? Carl. Yeah, I think they do, yeah. Okay, leave it there then. But not just in the office. As you watch through the building. Oh, it's worse than you ever thought. Well, no, it's not worse than I ever thought because as you well know Ricky Mays. thah. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. they, th. Yeah, they th. Yeah, they they they're, they're, they're, they're they do, they do, they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they do, they do, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, they they they they they they they they they they they do, yeah, yeah, yeah, they're, they're, they're, they're they're th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. th. th. thi. the. th. th. th. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they do. Yeah, I they do. thing? For those that perhaps are not of the female persuasion listening, there's a magazine apparently it sells quite

well it's one of the sort of female you know kind of issues magazines I think it's called Company magazine you know it's like you sort of I guess it's a bit like your Moore or your Vanity Fair whatever. Anyway they run every year. Anyway they run every year the 50 most eligible bachelor's in Great Britain section. Ding Dong, hello, who's in there this year? In the 50? In the top 50 of the entire country. And then they vote, they vote and they put him in order and see who's the most eligible bachelor. But that's 50 people, right?

I mean, it always annoys it slightly. It always anno a loser, doesn't it? Yeah, no. Which always sort of unneres me slightly. And also they try and do a different 50 every year so they're getting pretty desperate to get different ones. No, no, no, no, no. Because also a lot of people that were sort of like successful, you know, because there were sort of, you know, So Fred Durst, that sort of person, you know. So anyway, this is what's exciting, right, although I'm slightly frustrated because they were telling

me that last year, all right, they get, because what happens is the readers of the magazine, they vote for who they think is number one, most eligible bachelor, right? Last, th...... th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. So, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th, thi, thi, thi, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. so, th. So, th. So, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. So, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. So, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thri, thri, throoooooo. So, thee. So, throoo. So, throe. So, the. So, two-week trip in the Bahamas, okay? This year I'm rather annoyed because all I'm going to win is a moped. That's the price this year, that's the price this year. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, back track. Sorry? Last year was a two-week trip to Bahamas and this year what? Just a mope. All I'm going to get the that. All, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, because, th, because, because, because, th, because, because, because, because, because, because, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, I, because, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. This, th. This, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm this, I'm this, this, I'm this, this, this, this, I'm, I'm, this, I'm, this, I'm this, I'm this, I'm this, I'm this, I'm thisto get is a moped. All you're going to win is a moped. You've got no chance. You've got no chance. Who else is in it? Who else in it? Well, I mean I don't know lots of people you never heard of there was I know Duncan from blue. So, so, no, no. So, so you're second to him at least, no, no. I imagine you're going to come behind the other 49. No, no, no, no. No. No. No. No. No. Because. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So, I. So. So, I. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm, I'm, I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm, I'm. I'm the the the the the the the the, Steve. They'll see my photo other than they can vote for me. Yeah, according to HE, I was 22nd, most sexy man in the world. I better take that helmet back.

I would. I would. I see DC you should be all night long on XFM 104.9, well this show is a rocking. It is. It is indeed. Richard VIII, Carl. Quick come query for you, this is from Jay. He's got a problem here. He says my parents won't let me ditch my studies. He's currently reading modern

languages at London University. Sure. He wants to follow his dream but his parents won't let him of being a dancer, Carl. Worse than that he says that they're trying to arrange a marriage to a bunch of minging daughters of people they know from good families. He doesn't want to do, he's got the arranged marriage coming along and he's also got, you know, he basically wants to, you know, wants to be a dancer. His parents are to to to to to to for to for to for to for to for to for to for to for to for to for tha, tha, thra, thrace, thrown. thrown. thrown. thrown. throwne, thr-a, thr-a, thr-a, thr-a, thr-a' thr-a' thr-a' thr-a' thr-a' thr-a' too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too th. th. th. th. th. th. too th. th. th. th. too too too th. too too th. th. too too too too th thi too too thi thi too thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi too many too many too many too too thi too too too thi about it. Okay. I mean if they're really ugly then you know don't go along with it but if they're half bad Yeah put up with it. That's right. That's that solved brilliant. I wanted to be a dancer After he did the boxing right I joined a dancing thing just near a man united ground, called Twiggy's. Went along, I wanted to learn some moves. How old were you? Well it was when Michael Jackson was like pretty big so, about 80, 83, 84, 85, so like that,

around there. Um, wanted to do it. When I went, it was shut and had become like a warehouse for a toilet rolls. So in a way, I wonder what would have happened. Sorry, sorry, how is that an anecdote about you going through dancing? You've told me before, you did boxing for a while, you did dancing for a while. You have two fighting the boxing, you didn't even get in the play. That's not an... You, imagine if that was a film. This is like a boy's dream of becoming a dancer. Oh it's shut.

Next on, I mean, you, how is that a story? That was Billy Elliot. Do you think it would have won a one-quartered for any awards? Yeah, yeah, brilliant, foot loose, all right? Yeah, I'm fed up they banned it, let's go on, oh it's a flash dance. First there was, there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was, there was, there was, there was, there was, there was, there was, there was, there was, there was, there was, there was, I there was a there was First there was, it's a warehouse, never mind, you. I'm just saying, you know, you'll find something else. I think I got a go cart after that. I bought a motorised go cart and kept myself busy with that. So, there's always all those things. Alan Bennett has to sit down and really sweat over his stories. He just opens his mouth. You are a living Alan Bennett character. So that's that solved. Well Jay, don't, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, you' th. th. th. th. th. I'm, you' th. I' th. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm just, I'm just, I' th. I' th. I' th. I' th. I' th. I' th. I' th. I, I' th. I, I' th. I, I' th. I' th. I' th. I' th. I' th. I' th. I' th. I'm, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just thi. I'm just. I Bennett character. So that's that solved. Well Jay, don't worry about that. There's no emotional

there, emotional problems I can foresee. If you follow that advice. So the advice there is doing arranged marriage, if she's not if she's not minning, she's not completely minging, and don't worry about dancing, get a go-caps. Cheers. Great. This is the tip. This next clip is one of my favorite clips. Look. XFM. 104.9. We're not here.

Um, this next clip is one of my favorite clips. Look, it needs no introduction. Here it is. What should we do next? What should we do next? We, uh, next? We, do we need them out the way? Get them out of the way? Yeah, just again. Let's explain it again.

If you knew, I'm sort of on a bit of a mission to find out, you know, we've got to a lot of animals and insects in the world and stuff. Do we need them? He still amuses me. So we found out we've got to keep jellyfish, we've done octopus, just said we've got to keep them. This week, snails. Do we need them? Just doing some research, right? I'm sort of working away through different creatures and insects and stuff that's on the planet, right? And finding out if we need them or not, right?

Yeah. Do you know much about snails? Sea snails? Well, yeah. Snails in general. Is it a bit about snails, snails, a bit about snails, welks, top shells, yeah. Snails in general. Is that a bit much about snails? A bit about sea snails, like Welk's top shells, that sort of thing. Would you say they're important? What sort of sense, do you mean, why important? Say if we had to sort of get rid of some animals and insects and that, because we're running out of a room. Do you know what I mean? I mean, I'll tell you what I mean? Because I'll their I'll their their I'll their I'll their their their their their I'll their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm their. I'm. I'm their. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'll their. I'll their. I'll their. I'll their. I'm. I'll tip. I'm. I'll tip. I'll tip. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'll. I'll. I'll tell you what I know about some snails, I don't know if this applies to sea snails as well. I mean I called you today because a lot of other places are shut. Right? So I know they like to eat stamps apparently, the glue on stamps. They love it, right?

Apparently a lot of letters and stuff aren't getting to where they're meant to be getting because snails are crawling into letter boxes and eating the stamps. That obviously obviously apparently apply to the sea ones but that's a problem they're causing. Are you aware of that? I don't know. But you're glad you answered the phone today? Right? They love beer. Yeah, he doesn't. And also, I don't know if this is right, but I heard that this sleep for 13 years or can do. Right, I wouldn't know if they can sleep for 13 years or not.

I mean, sea snails are pretty important. They do quite a good job in the sea, they have, um, grazed on algae in there. But, but... They provide food for other, other animals. I mean, you can say that about any fish, you know, any animal, why do they exist they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they they, that, they, th. th. th. th, but, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I, I. I. I. I, I, I. I, I, I, I. I, I. I, I, I, I, I, I, I don't, I th. I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, tha. Do. I don't, th th tha. I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, any animal, why do they, why do they exist? Would you be upset if, you know, someone said, we're getting rid of them? Oh yeah, yeah. You would be? You would be. Forget being like favouritism and all that I get for them, right? There'll be other things knocking around you can sort of the time looking after. You'll still have a job. thrown tho' tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, they' thi, they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they' they' they' they' they' they' they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they' thi, thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thin, thin, thr-s, thoomo'-s, tho'a'-s, tho'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'er, tho'er, thr-s, to get rid of all the fish, jellyfish need looking after so you're safe. But do we need them? Come on, there's loads of people saying, come on, you've got to move on through the animals and you're holding

them up saying, well, I want to keep them. Well, he's saying we need to, that just sounds a bit crazy to me. Just, just imagine imagine. Just, just. And just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just thuuuuu. And thii. And thi. And thi, just thi, just thi, just thi, just thi, just thi, just tho, just tho, just their their, just their their tho, tho, their their their their their their their their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. th. tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho. thoooooooooooo. too. tooo. th. thoooooooooooooooooooo. their, their, their, th to me. Just imagine. Do you know what I mean? And they would come to you because you're working in an aquarium, so they'd be asking for your advice. Right. And you're slowing it down. Well, they asked my advice and I'm giving it to them, so, you know, that's what I think, they're their descendants around a lot longer than we have been. Yeah, they've been around a long time, but what's they done? Well, they survived that long so they must be doing something pretty good. Well, apparently they sleep for 13 years, so really, even though they've been around for ages.

I like that. I think that sounds a bit, I don't thin sleep for 13 years. Not, I mean not all of them, just the tired ones. So, snails, do we need them? Well yeah, I just think they've got a... You know, it's not for us to say do we need the one or not we can't. So, see, you think we should keep them? Yeah, definitely. Carl. I'm proud of you. That was getting really quite annoying. I know. What did he think he was doing?

What did he think he was doing? What? I don't know what you tell these people. I mean, you don't get their permission to play this out, do you? You just don't know what you tell these people. I mean you don't get their permission to play this out, do you? You just don't tell them, right? Yeah, I sort of to tell him what it was about but we won't say who he is or where he works because it doesn't matter. I just needed to speak to someone and knows. I know about that he gave the okay to destroy snails. He was getting livid, you can tell.

Oh God, brilliant. So I've been around a long time, but what have they done? Well, I was it. Last week when I did, do we need them? Um, do you know when I called up, um, one of the museums and a science museum? Yeah, oh, was I so busy listening to a song? the the the thu.. the the the thu. to, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to the to the their, their, to to to to, thi. too, too, thi, too, too, too, you to to to to to too, you to to too, you too, you too, you too, you too, you too, you too, you too, you too, you too, you to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the to, to, tol, today, today, tole., today, today, today, too' too' too' too''m just saying I wanted to tell you before when the song was on but you're so busy listening to it. Yeah oh oh was I was I so busy listening to a song I was playing? Yeah but we're doing a radio show. All right what's your point? Well I just wanted to say she emailed in to say I got a name wrong so I'm just apologizing for what did you call it thrown it? to the the the the the the they who who who who who who to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh not an apology! You've got it wrong again! You might even say a real name! How is that an apology? Well I remember, I read the email so yeah, I don't know. Who are you apologizing to? I think?

I think. Oh, he's got it wrong again, haven't you? Well anyway and she just said if you know you want to see dinosaurs and that go to the they. they. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. You their th. You th. You th. You th. You're th. You're th. You're tho thoes tho tho thoes thoes. You're thoes. You thoes thoes thoes thoes thoes thoes tho. You tho. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You the the the the the the the tho the tho tho the thoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooe. You're the the the want to see dinosaurs and that go to the museum. You're complaining about that as well weren't you? You went to a museum and there was too many dinosaurs you just need four? No, well Steve, have you been to the one in Knightsbridge? I think so one that I called up right? It's nice you go in, you get a good collection of stuff you walk in, there's three or four dinosaurs, you've had enough, right? I went into New York, right, went to the museum there, hundreds of them. You can't move for dinosaurs.

Yeah. It's almost like they're responsible for them being extinct. There's loads of them. So all I'm saying is, if you want to see a dinosaur, go to the one near Knights Bridge, they've got a nice selection, some old vases and stuff, it's worth going. So... That was great, Carl, play a record. Well done. Do you have a bit of Amy Man?

Ah, I'm obsessed with this song. Red Vines. It's brilliant. It's brilliant. X-Fm. 104. the show with Steve Merchant. Hello there. And, and we. And we. And we're. And we're. And we're. And, th. And, th.9, Ricky Jovey's show with Steve Merchant. Hello there. And we're not here this week, we're off jetting around the world, so we've pre-recorded these links.

The time is currently somewhere between 1 and 3 o'clock. So a time check there from Steve Merchant. No problem. Yeah, and oh what about this weather? Isn't it warm, stroke, edit that cold? Okay, whichever one. Um, I'm pleased. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm to to to to to to to to the th. I'm. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to to to th. the th. th. to-a. to-I. to-I. the the the the the the the the the the the time. the time. the time. the time. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the time. the time. the the th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. time. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. thi. thi. thi. whichever one. I'm pleased to see that the congestion charge has had some considerable effect. Had no effect. So just, yeah. Wasn't that great on tele last night, the film? Yeah. I particularly enjoyed last night's East Enders, Coronation Street, Brookside. Okay. Yeah. But... Okay, yeah, but... XFM, 404. XFM, Rookaver.

XFM, they can't believe I can't fly broke you on the house. XFM, 404. Ricky Javay is Steve Merchant. Carl Pilkington.

Tells about this monkey, Carl. You're going to love this one, Steve, right? Yeah, so last week we were talking about how, like a lad left his family because there's problems at home and that. He went and lived in the wood, he got airy. Right, right? So, and that's what happened. He lived with the monkeys, he went airy. That's what happened. And that's what happened. He looked into some other stuff about like airy kids and all that. Came across this story about a bloke who worked in a zoo. Oh dear. Right?

So, uh... Trouble's brewing. Loving his job and that, but it's quite a lonely sort of job because you don't see many people you're just dealing with animals all the time, right? So anyway, he gets a bit pali with a monkey because it's the closest thing to a human. Why that he piss? Yeah but you can't really go that close to apes. Is it dangerous? What do you mean what type was it? Do you mean it was off just checking each other out and you know probably sharing lunch and that together. Right? Anyway, this goes on for a while is you know they're getting on well on that. And then after a while, right, the monkey starts sort of imitating him

a bit more and sort of walking upright. Oh God. Right. So he thinks, oh that's a little weird. Anyway they get on really better and what have you. So he th th. The th. The th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. So, th. th. th. th. thi. So, thi. th. th. So, th. th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. the the the the the thi. the the toge. the the thi. the thi. thi. tho. tho. th. th. th. th he thinks, oh that's a little weird. Anyway, they get on really better and what have you. So he thinks, he could live at home with me, this, because we're getting on the storm, right? So he texts him home and before you know it... Is this the beginning of Beneath the Planet of the Apes?. Single white zookeeper. Oh, brilliant. So anyway, so it's moving in and it's getting used to sort of the normal human life. He's having a cup of tea in the morning. Yeah, pinky tips. As a, uh, it finishes the day off with a, Oh dear.

Finish the day off with what? It does now move a piano at one point, does it? finishes the day off with a... Oh dear. Finish the day off with what? With a little brandy. He finishes the day off with a little brandy? He pours himself on. Is he wearing a smoking jacket? I'll tell you what, Carl, you're a maniac. Listen, no, this is why it attracted me. It's amazing, right?

So he's having his brandy and that, loving his life. Next thing you know he sort of I don't know if he loses it or he gets shaved but the top half of his body is airless right apart from his head right so it's not nice so it's the opposite of the kid yeah that that would happen right hang on but so you don't know if he did know or if it's how did it say then the the hair list what what I'll bring it in for you the story and then you can see if I've come wrong so anyway so so hang so hang so hang so hang so hang so hang so so hang so so hang so hang so so hang so so so the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th th the the the the th th th th th th th the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th I th I th I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the it in for you the story and then you can say I've gone wrong so anyway so um so this is going on and it is having a great life then the zoo keeper starts getting a bit annoyed because he's having a better life than the zoo keeper the zoo keepers in the zoo this is such rubbish so the zoo keeper's still got to do a day's work the monkeys at home well he got to the there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the the their the the their their their their their their their their the the zoo because the whole reason of you being there was because you're being kept there right and he didn't want to bring the memories back so he said you stay at home so you are just you're talking such

just let him finish God I don't know if I can sit here and listen to this drivel let me I'm fascinated it's nearly over anyway right sounds extraordinary so he's walking up right is having a tea in the tee in the morning the morning the morning the morning the morning the morning the morning the morning the morning the morning the morning the morning the morning the morning the morning the morning the morning the morning the morning the morning the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their to their their their so their so their so their so their so their so their so their so their so their so their so their so their so their so their so their so their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their te te te te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. to to to to the bit out of hand, only tries it on with the zoo keeper's wife. I'm still going to make him go wise. How does he do that? Well because he's around humans a lot, he becomes a bit of a charmer. But what is it that he could do to seducer? Pick fleas out of her. He didn't say. He was built. Yeah, he's well hung.

So what about that? What about that? What about it, Carl? It's obviously not true. I don't understand how the... I love that he becomes a charmer. He's got better tase and brandy. And he, ah, that is... What was it that he was doing, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, tha, that, that, thi? that, thi? that, thi, that, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, he was, he was thi, he was, he was, he was, he was. thi, he was. thi, he was. tho, he was. tho, he was. tho, he was. tho, he was. thi. thi. thi. He was. thi. He was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was thi. thi. thi. thi. that, he was that, he was that, he was that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that, he was, he was, he was, he was, he wasthat he was doing that seduced her? I don't know, maybe because he was at home more than the zookeeper was. But what would he be doing? Carl? It's not going to be talking with her. They're not going to be playing trivia pursuit. Maybe, maybe she liked the silent type.

I don't, it didn't go into that. He didn't go into that's when the triple started. Carl, playing record. Is that what Suzanne did when she brought you up? Yeah. Ha-auses and songbird. It's nice little ditty. It's all right, yeah. Other Saturday. Yes.

XFM, 1-4.9, Rickaardivay, Steve Merchant, Carl Pilkington. I think we should go straight into it, Carl. I think we should do the competition, there's Carl in the corner. It seems a little premature. Do you reckon? Yeah, I think we should tease it out of it. Well, I've got absolutely nothing to say, I've, that, that, that, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I.......... I, I, I, I, I... I, I. I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, tha.. I'm, tha... I think, tha......... Think, th. I think, th. I think, th. I think, tha. I think, tha. I think, I think, I think, I absolutely nothing to say. Sure. I haven't really... Well, I mean, often I know you all have spoken to Carl in the week. This week for some reason I've been speaking to him. Oh right.

I spoke briefly to him about Michael Jackson, the documentary. Now of course I thought that was extraordinary. Amazing. Amazing piece of work. And he didn't mention to me the fact that Michael Jackson likes he likes to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to him I to him I to him I to him I to him I to him I to him I to him I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. the. the the. the. thee. thee. theeeeive billionaire spending sprees. He didn't mention anything about the mannequin's he has in his thing or the fact that he drives around his his sort of seven hotel suites in Las Vegas in a little kind of old people's scooter. The first, the only thing of note for Carl was he said to me, did you know, did you know she's how big his hands are. I tell you what though, I did. What, how are you, the man's got like a face that he's had reconstructed. Well, I can't seem to say that, it's libelous. Yeah, he's

got a lot full face. Yeah. And you're looking at his hands. But I think it's because you look at him and he looks a bit like, there's a bit of ambrosity there, but it's sort of like a, it is quite, it's a, it's a, it's a, thi, thre, it's a thre, it's a, it's a thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, throu, thi, thi, that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that, that's a that, that, that, that's a that's a that, that's a that's a that, that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a thr-a, thr-a, thi, thi, thi, thr-a, thr-a, thr-a, thr-a, thr-a, thr-a''-a'-a'-a'er, I's a thi, I's a thi, I's a thi, I's a sort of old lady's face in a way, but then you see these labourers' hands come out. It's always the way with a tranny, don't it? I mean... Why you can't accuse him of being a tranny? No, he's not. No, he's got enough issues, no, you're accusing him. I like him. I thought he thought he was really, I felt felt, thau, though, though, though, though, though, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, the tho, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, the the the, the, the, the the the, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th...... He's, thi, thin, thin, thin, thranny, thranny, toge. He's, toge. trane. trane. trane. trane. trane. trane. tha. I was, th really, I really felt sorry for him. And no, I think he cleared up a few things as far as I'm concerned. I thought it was a fascinating piece of work.

But I did like the shopping spree, that was great. Extraordinary. Just going around just pointing. I know it was bad taste wasn't it? It was like the bizarre shops. You know what I mean? It was like the thathapapap bad. It was bad. It was bad. It was bad. It was bad. It was bad. It was bad. It was bad. It was bad. It was bad. It was bad. It was bad. It was bad. It was bad. It was bad. It was bad. It was bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad th. It was bad thast. It was bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad. It was bad. It was bad. It was bad. It was bad. It was bad. It was bad. It was bad bad bad bad. It was bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad, it was bizarre. It was like bizarre. It was like bizarre. It was like bizarre. It was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it gift shop, but they're trying to make it look like men. But if it, yeah, I mean, it sprayed gold. If he'd been living in a trailer park, he'd have been ordering, you know, one of those porcelain dolls dressed like a Harley Davidson white rider, or you know, you know an Elvis, you know, an Elvis commemorative plate, it was the kind of a billionaire, but their..... But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, the, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he's, if he'd, if he'd, if he'd, if he'd, if he'd, if he'd, if he'd, if he'd, if he'd, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, he, he, he, he, he's, he's, he's, he'd. And, he'd. And, he'd. And, yeah, yeah, he'd. And, yeah, he'd. And, yeah, he'd. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. thetransvestates. What was it about his hands? Well you know when you get like a cab driver or something right and he decides to turn transvest like about 60 and he goes on kill Roy. I mean it's that way he's got a twin set in pearls and he goes I've never felt so comfortable but his hands are still big he's got a little wig and he's got the lipstick on and he's with his teenage kids he was with his teenages. Do you?? he th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. He's th. He's th. He's the thin, he's, he's, he's, he, he, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's the, he's the, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's he, he's he, he's he, he's he, he's he, he's he, he's he, he's he, he's he, he's he, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's thin, he's thin, he's thin, he's tr- he's tr-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-heed, he's tr-he-he-he-heed, he's tr-he-he-heed, he's tr-he-he-he think he's been having surgery on his house, make them larger? Is that why he's wearing that glove? You're most of the ageist? Exactly, but I think he wants to be a goalkeeper. Right. And they said, you can't, Michael, you've got a big hands. It would help them climb the trees? Yeah, yeah. And he can play tennis now without a racket. Yeah. So what did you make? the tha? thua. thua. thua. thia. thia. thu. thu. thu. thin. thin. thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, th. th. th. th. thin, thin, thin, thin' th. thin' th. th. th. th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the press but the trisha program got nothing okay which I know like well Steve call me

up in the week right like 10 o'clock in the morning I was at work and he goes you should think so at 10 o'clock preparing this show most people go to work about 8 9 you watching trisha and that I said no what is it? He goes, oh you'll be loving it. Right. Freaks, was it, help me, my mum's a freak? Hmm, Siamese twins. Right? So I couldn't watch it but he said oh it might be on again because the repeat stuff on ITV2, the Siamese twins. Did it blow your mind? It was amazing. You know, we talk about a lot of things on the show quite a lot. The airy kids crop up a lot. I was waiting. It's been 10 minutes and you haven't mentioned the airy kid. And last week we were wea wea wea wea wea wea wea wea wea wea wea wea wea we're we're we're we're we're we're th. thi thi thi thi, thi, we're thi, we're tha, we're tha-a tha, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, th. Did. Did. Did. Did, th. Did, thi. Did, thi. Did, thi. Did, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, they. Did it's, they. Did it's, they. Did it's, they. Did it's, they. Did it's, their, did it's, did, twins, weren't we? So it was weird that this program was on, but it was amazing. I mean, what do you think? I think you can't refer to them as Siamese twins. I think they're known as conjoined twins.

Why? I think Siamese is maybe considered derogatory or an antiquated phrase. Yeah, it's an antiqued. the phrase phrase phrase phrase phrase phrase phrase phrase phrase phrase phrase phrase phrase phrase phrase phrase phrase phrase phrase phrase phrase phrase phrase phrase phrase phrase. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. thiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaia. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thiiase. thia. thiase. thiase. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. that's, it's, it's, it's, it's, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, it's, it's, it's thi, it's thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. It's, it's, it's... Conjoined, Carl. Get the phrase, right? But you'd think that if that's happened to you, that wouldn't be that sort of offensive, the names that you must get called. Right. You think that's the least you're worried. Well, you stunned by where they were connected? Just lived with it, their. Oh. Sort of, which was quite, quite extraordinary.

Well, there was one set of Siamese twins, one had a job and the other one didn't. Ha ha ha ha ha. That's ludicrous. Yeah, the other one was unemployed, the other one had a job. She had to go to watch, she had to get up at six o'clock on a day off. I'm supporting you, literally. Yeah, then they get done off the social for sort of... Yeah, because the only one was signing on. That wasn't a question that Trisha asked. Abnoringly, because I know that much of the audience was thinking that.

There was a few things that didn't crop up. What questions would you have asked of them? What things did you feel weren't mentioned? Um, I'd love to see if anyone else has seen it. You know, I mean that? Like when a cat sees a bird land on the balcony. Exactly. I can't believe it's luck. I'd probably say how do you buy a like a birthday present? A surprise gift, yeah. Because everything's ruined ruined sure right I'd probably ask yeah well did you not think it was interesting that one of them had a

boyfriend well that was a bit weird won't it but what was the other thing that I was thinking when I was watching it was thinking if one got into crime and that was sent to prison right what would happen how they handle that. It's brilliant. It is brilliant if a chimp could talk. And what was the other one? The other thing was, what did he talk about? Because it's not as if you can say, oh, I guess what I did today is... Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. So... So... Ah ha ha ha ha ha. Ha! Ha ha. What if you just tune in this this

treat me today this It's XFM, 104.9, you've got that bit right. Ricky Jovey's shoe, with me Stephen Merchant. Hello there. Carl is actually in a little booth. We're not in the studio, you see. This is pre-recorded. We recorded this last week because we're away. Because we're away.

And it's sort of like the best of. Best of the thr- and with me and Jane, Carl and Johnny and Gigi wasn't it? Is it important? Is it important to him? No. But we're walking on the street. Carr was there though and he can back me up on this. We had a curry, we're walking back. And this little funny homeless fella, didn't he? He, oh, I got to tell it before before I go, didn't he? Yes. He came up to me, tho, the, the, the, the, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, to, tho, thin, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, tho, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, thin, thin, thin, was, tho. And, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, to, was, was, was, to, to, to, the to me right and he recognized it and he came up to me and he went he went oh he said I've just knicked five of your DVDs from HMB and he shook

my hand he was so happy with it and I went right excellent he went all I do was I just swing the bag over the top like that when I'm going out and he had a bag full of DVDs didn't he and he was so pleased to tell me that he's stolen. That great. He said they're going like op cakes. He said they're not because they are! Yeah you're looking them. I know we get paid for them though, don't we? So he, not the stolen ones? Don't we? No. What do you mean? Did you sign them for him? You're you idiot? What? So um, he just nicked five? Yeah. And you say he was homeless was he? Well, I don't know maybe. Surely how would you have seen the show? He just walked past Curry's one morning. Dixon's? Yeah, that's any idea. Seen a trainer for it, I thought, oh, interesting. I don't know if he was homeless. I didn't go into his home life. He shook his hand though and... But he's sell them? Where does he sell them?

Does he go to people and go, do you want an office DVD? They're not nicked. Yeah, four quid. Yeah, exactly. And he stole the new? No, no, no, no, no. They still got the tags on them. Well, it's like those morning who just got a car and just went out with a car and I'll pick people

up and charge them. I got in one once and I said to him, a guy just pulled up, I said, I was in like East London, I said I was in like East London, I said I was going back to North London. I said yeah going to go into Swiss Cottage. He went, he went, sure, hopping. He went, to the way. I said, to, to, to, to, to, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. I, I, I. I. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, you know I don't really know the way there I said if you got an A to Z you went no I thought well if you're gonna go out just on the you know just winging it as a cab driver yeah two things take a map and a torch he didn't have either he said well well I'd probably get to Camden I said well I'll direct you from the way to count it. I thought you knew the way to count I don't really know the way. I thought it was... Let me out. Four quid. Exactly. And that's, I can't, I don't know who's got that sort of time on their hands that they just think it's three in the morning. I'm at a loose end. I think I'll go out doing a bit of cab. Wow. Because your dad was yeah. Yeah. that was, was, that was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I th. I don't. I don't. I don't, I don't, I don't that. I don't that. I don't. I don't that. I don't that, I don't that. I don't that. I don't that. I don't that. I don't that. I don't that. I don't that. I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't, I don't, I don't. I don't. I don't, I don't, I don't th. I don't th. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't. What was he what was he doing when he put that little forest gum in a in a

wheelie bin? That was that was part of the cab company thing they had to do like a charity event once a year and he did it one year never asked him again. Tell us the story again I know I'd rather not because we got a few sort of complaints about it. Why why do you complains about it? Because it's because he put a kid in a bin and it's not the thing to do. But we could use it as a sort of sobering lesson for people. Yeah, tell it like it, tell it, you know, you shouldn't do it. No, it's... Yeah, but that's how I did it last time, but people still didn't like it. All the stuff I tell you know the stuff. thapapapapap. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin th. thin thin' thin' thin' thin' thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi. thi thi. thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi thi th. th. thi th. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thin thin thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi's thi's thi thi I tell you that you know we don't take the Mickey out of people on purpose. It's real life, isn't it? And that goes on in life. Yeah. I was saying that in hospital though.

Do you know I was in hospital? Yeah. You know he did some jokes about old people and that and he said at the end of the day if something makes you laugh it's funny. If it. and laughing's good for you. Yeah. So, even though... But being laughed at isn't as good for you, is it? No, but there's probably more people laughing at one person, so if you balance it out, there's only one person who's upset and there's a bunch of people laughing. So, it's, genius.

Give me an example of that. Well, for instance, Carl Pilkington as't, because again, that's what I'm saying. I can't tell you the story, because they might be someone out there who, this person might be listening and think, I forgot about that and you brought it all back to me, you know. So I'd prefer to leave it, but I think people know what... Why did he put him in the bin in the first place? Because he was getting out of hand. What was he doing though? You see, I can't explain. You can, don't be silly. I prefer to leave it, honestly.

What was he doing? Was he annoying him? He was annoying my dad and the other people in the cab. Right. And he thought, how can I deal with this before it gets two out of hand. Yeah. He pulled over and put the lad in a wheelie bin. I'm gonna best. So we'll leave that. Oh God. Give and receive because I want to Gonna get through your head what the misguid might say it because I'm gonna Hatch you say I've told you so alright

Come on To believe I don't you so all right? Now it's all o'clock. To believe I don't you so. Now it's all out and you know. Because I want it to. Turned my back on the rock that's the plan and the power. Because I'm gonna... No need for me to wait because I want to

No need to three too late because I'm gonna Hicks and say I told you so alright Come on! I told you so, alright? Come on! Do believe I told you so? Excellent!