The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Xfm S2E28 (March 1, 2003)

Episode Date: September 4, 2022

With the second series of ‘’The Office’’ complete, Gervais, Merchant, and Pilkington returned to XFM in August of 2002 to resume their 2-hour Saturday afternoon broadcasts. Though Pilkington’s name was still not being used in promotional materials, the format mainly centered on his contributions with Gervais and Merchant mostly reacting to the various things Karl said and did, a format that would endure through the remainder of the radio broadcasts and podcasts, concluding in 2012.This was the longest stretch of XFM shows, running 51 weeks until August 2003 when Gervais and Merchant again went on hiatus, this time to record the Christmas Special (finale) for ‘’The Office’’.During the year, Pilkington introduced many of the show’s most notable segments including “ Monkey News”, “Rockbusters”, “Songs of Phrase”, and “The Film Thing”, among others. Karl grew increasingly frustrated with Ricky’s antagonism toward him throughout the year, and over the final few shows, suggested he did not want to continue on. Gervais and Merchant repeatedly said on air they would not return if Pilkington didn’t agree to remain with the show.

Well, here we are again, XFM on a Saturday, just gone one o'clock Steve, if I'm very much mistaken, but we're not here, as such, we're away again, gallivanting around. We've got to do the special sort of best of again, which we did a few weeks ago, so so this is the best of the last three weeks, which I think is, I mean I think it's the best three weeks we've ever had, but I'd like it condensed into two hours. Yeah, yeah, some great music as well in there. Yeah, there'd be some great music interspersed with fine chat that you've already heard. Yeah. Except this bit, this bit's new. We've actually, out of the kindness of our heart, we've come in last week. We've done a few clips just because we felt a bit guilty about

shooting off. I mean even now having heard this link I'm beginning to wonder if it was worth our time. Oh dear. You know I've said in the past to you Rick that my grandparents are I love them dearly but it's like for the last 30s they've been waiting to die. I know they just sort of it. It's like they just sort of, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, the the the the the the the the the the th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, th, thi, th, tho, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi's thi's thi's thi's thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii's thiii's thi's the 50s. They got kind of bored of it. Life yeah in the 40s it was brilliant all sat around the old Joanna's the bombsfail singing they loved that. The 50s you know that was great as well because that was the post war years it was you know it's a bit to my dad, what do you like for Christmas? What do you fancy for Christmas? And this must have been, I don't know, 20 years ago?

She said, what do you fancy for Christmas, Ron? And he went, well you know, I could do with a nice big kind of warm winter overcoat. She said, don't worry about that, because your father will be dead soon. It's what you can have is, meaning my granddad. Well, to be honest, we think my father's still waiting. Which is good news, good news for my grandfather. Less good news for my dad, it's freezing. He's freezing. He's freezing. How is he today? He's fine. Oh, okay. Oh, I'm freezing. It is very, such a weird mindset that.

I think it's that to me is what sums up people up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up. Whenever you talk of your childhood it's like you had like a baked potato to take to school. And I open a stick is a Christmas gift. The other thing is I think that that sort of generation it seems that the man is dependent on the woman. As a total dependent. Oh absolutely. If she dies he, she's got 30 years of pottering. Absolutely, yeah. Do you know, I'm going to like, you know, the youth club and the church. It's sort of like that it's, it's sort of, of course it's sad for them, but it's not the end of their life. And it sort of is the other way around. I don't know. It's sort of the the other way. I don't is is is is is is is is is is is that I that. I that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is the other. I that is that is the other. I that is the other is that is the other. I don't is that. I don't is the other is that the other is the other. I don't is the other is the other is the other is sort the other is sort the other is sort the other is sort the other is sort the other is, I is, I the other is, I the other is, I the other is, I the other is, I the other is, I the other is, I the other is, I that. I that. I that is, I that. I that is, I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I don't is, I don't the other, I don't the other, I don't the other, I don't the other, I don't the other, I don't the other, I don't the other, I don. I've really brought it down. You've brought it down. This isn't a nice show at all. This is terrible. We're going to have people just killing themselves. What? I didn't really want to make it. Well, I didn't really,

he. I didn't really like it. Oh, he's, so he used to stay in bed. So he never got fired. That's brilliant, that's a great thing to say it. Yeah, yeah, Christmas morning's for you. Run while, do what you want. Just don't follow me. So I'm going to go into Honolulu for two weeks. That's great. Dad, it's Christmas. Do I have to like to see my face light up when I opened my presents. And then, uh... He used to give fireworks.

And then, uh... Better enough to go to my bedroom from about six o'clock onwards, because like my mom and dad were into having big Christmas parties and I wasn't like old enough to go. So they say, right, you know, you've had your fun there, you go Yeah, I remember one year, right? I got a train set, that's what I wanted. It's brilliant. Playing with it all day, I thought I don't mind about the party, I'm happy staying up here playing with this. Brother comes in, he's had a few, right? He's going, yeah, give us a go on your train set. He's a bit older me, so he might have been like, let's see. Well let me let's, let me, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, I'm, I'm, I'm, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, playing, th. playing, th. playing, th. playing, th. playing, th. playing, th. playing, th. playing, I'm, I'm, I'm th. playing, I'm 18, 19, something like that. I was, well I had a train set so, I don't know, about 14. It's all like that. Right, so I'm playing

on that, loving it and stuff. And then he comes in and goes, oh, gives a go. It turns the transformer up to like 14. He went really fast for about five seconds, broke it and then he went back downstairs. Wow. So Christmas Iant in got two Christmas Day. Sounds like the conservative government with British Rail. Satire, Rick I just thought that there's satire. It's not satirical shows this thing or magazines. It doesn't work in any way because the analogy falls down apart from there being a train. Think it through though British rail was trains and the government broke the trains in many where they didn't break them, like not officially breaking them but they kind of... Oh yeah, it does work, it's perfect.

Oh, I'm very pleased with that. And I can't, and no one's asked him to be on and have I got this for you. It's weird, isn't it? Because it's strange that though, won't you? It's a bit annoying though, isn't it when your main present of the year has been broke. And then, uh, did it ever get it fixed? No, that was it, that was it, that's, and uh, did it ever get it fixed? No, that was it. thrown. their thea. th. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. their. their. their. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. the. the. the. the the the the the thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. the the the the. he had less fun put him to bed put him to bed at eight maybe and he works on Christmas Day thought that was a day for family well not if there's a party on the Christmas days well that's that's that's another option yeah your parents are weird aren't they a strange breed well I think that was a year right I uh you're talking about buying presents and stuff I they're you you you you you you you you you you you you you you th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th I th I th I th I th I th I thin th thin th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thin thin thin tha that that tha that that thou the that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that presents and stuff I think I did treat my mom to that I didn't buy my dad anything I think that was like when I got a bit older he used to get my dad

something because he wasn't that bothered anyway so I got my ma'am there was a cheap shop right? Of course. Thank God for that. Called Snips. So I went in there and I thought let's see what I can get her and remember Victoria Plum. I don't think th Well it's like a fairy character. Right. I mean I'm into Nomes and stuff. So I thought, right. She must be pleased with you then. Oh Victoria Plum. I was thinking is that one of the neighbours? Is it like a brandy the cure? Victoria Plum? Victoria Plum? Yeah it's like a little fictional sort of character. Okay. So I saw it I thought yeah she'll love that, right? So I did my paper round, saved up for two weeks, right? Got that sorted, went to Snips, bought the Victoria Plum. Next day I'm in, I'm in town with her, right? So I think, ah, I know what I'll do. I said, come come in here a minute, right? So we th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I th th thi, I said, I said, I said, I said, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I'll th. So, I'll th. So, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll th. So, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll th. th. th. th. th. th th th th th that. th that. th th that. that. th that. that. So, I'll th the. So, I'll we're looking around and I tested her right and went, look that there, it's all right in it. And she goes oh it's bloody awful.

Oh Carl. Oh Carl. I just, I, oh God. So then Christmas Day comes and I said don't bother opening it. She said no no why. Oh no what do you still give it to her? So well it's too late I'd already bought it. Oh cool. So she opened it and I was like, and she said oh that's nice, I said why are you saying that? I said the other day he said it's bloody awful. She said oh no I thought you're pointing at something else. Oh no so that's why I don't get anyone anything anymore. Oh God! Oh God! Oh no! Oh no! Gonna put my foot in the pistol! XFM 104.9, we're not here. This next clip is one of my favorite clips. Look, it needs no introduction.

Here it is. Something else we're giving away. Go on. The Shining. It's more throwing away, isn't it? Once again, it's on VHS. Just because you buy it out of your own money, Carl, stop being some mean. And I want to watch it tonight, because it's one of those films that, um, so you're

going to watch this video and then you're going to send to send to send to watch it to watch it to watch it to watch it to watch it to watch this video and then you're going to send it to someone as a prize. Yeah, it's one of them thick films that. I was sorry, you just said yes to that without blinking. Oh yeah. You don't think like Les Dennis doesn't have a quick go in the car on family fortune. It costs 599, Carl, it costs 5 is Carl in the classic The Shining. And what's the question? Well, we might ask that afterwards. Okay, then. Hi. Hi. Still try to write the book then? Yes. Yes.

Yes. Good. Funny. It's. Uh, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. And. the. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I.. I. I. I.. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. to write the book then? Yeah? Yes. Good. Funny, someone told me the other day, weird thing about a typewriter. The top row of letters, the longest word you can write is typewriter. I'll just show you. Just... That's weird, isn't it? It's just... The typewriter being... You're not in the movie. You're just going...... you're in, you're in, you're in, you're in, you're in, you're in, you're in, you're in, you're in, you're in, you're in, you're in, you're in, you're in th, you're in th, you're in a th, you're in a th, you're in a thi, you're in, you're in a the the, thi, thi, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thiolou- thiolou-a' thiolou-a' thiolou-a' thiolou-a' thiolou-a, thi. Good, ththe typewriter being, you're not in the movie, you're

just gonna, you're in one of those grouchy moods again that you get into when you're writing. I'm not being grouchy, I just want to finish my work. Yeah, just, she's being a bit funny, a bit offhand than that. Let me explain something to you. Whenever you come in here and interrupt me, you're breaking my concentration for distracting me and it will then take me time to get back to the area I was. Understand? Yeah, but I just was coming in and try and cheer you up, you know, if you...

I'm full of ideas as well, you know, if you're having a problem coming up with stuff. I've got loads of stuff, loads of ideas you could write about. The other day I read about this airy Chinese kid. What do you want me to do about it? No, it's just that it could make a good book, do you know? Do you know what I mean? Sort of following round? Uh, well, I'd buy it. You know? But if you don't th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th I'd th I'd th th I'd th th I'd thi thi thi thi to to to to to tho tho tho that that tho' tho' tho' tho' their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. I'm thi thi thi thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooomoomooo'a. I'd thooo'a. I'm tho'a. know, but if you don't want to know, we'll have to, don't bother doing it, but, do you know what I mean? Just, airy Chinese, kid, it's weird because they're not normally that airy over there. Yeah, this kid caked in it, but if you don't care...

I wouldn't touch one hair on his head. You wouldn't have to touch any hair on his head. Like I say, he's covered. Leave the head alone if you want. Touch his hands. He's totally covered in it, but... I love the little son of a bitch. Well, don't go that far. You haven't met him. I can sort of... a good little kid. In fact, I'll do it. I'll write a book on him. Yeah? How do you think you can handle it? Yeah? You're not too busy, are you? Well, yeah, I'm pretty busy. I've got to sort out some, uh, some monkey facts for this show this Saturday, but I reckon I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I'll th. th show this Saturday but I reckon I can still go. Why don't you start right now and get out of here? All right, I will. Is he going to be like that?

I couldn't borrow a pen could I? See you later. There you go. Haunting stuff there. Carl Pilkerton in the shiny. You know in the film Jack Nicholson goes crazy because the suggestion is he's maybe possessed by demons that maybe are in the hotel. But you know if I were stranded in a desolate hotel removed from all human contact with

Carl, I'd go mental with an axe without being possessed by demons. That's more chilling to me. That's more chilling to try and get to get the work the work wandering in. I'm trying to get Carl to spend a couple of days in the caravan with me just for the hell of it and he won't. I've offered him money, weren't I? I think it'd be a great laugh, wasn't it? Oh yeah, great. That would be terrifying. No, I want as well be with Freddy Krueger

and Jason have all his, that's more scary. The thing is, Ricky doesn't mess you about as much as he messes me about. No, you see you've given him an inch, and he's taken a yard. 1230 you got in today, in the 30 minutes between 1230 and one, the old bin lid lid lid lid lid lid lid th, th, the old th, the old th, th, the old th, th, the old the old the old th, th, th, the old the old the old the old the old the old the old the old the old, thi's the old, thi's thi's the the thi's thi's thi's the they's they's they's they's they they they they they they they they they the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky thi's thi's thi's thirty, Ricky thirty, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, they's the the head, you want to do that again. Yep. Uh, squeezing my head, I think he had a go at, and uh, karate chop on the back of the neck. Yeah. All in 30 minutes. Who else can say that?

Who else can say that? If that's good to say? One, two, three, four. And, uh, XFM, 104.9, Ricky Jovey's show with the Steve Merchant. Hello there. And, um, we're not here this week. We're off jetting around the world, so we've pre-recorded these links. The time is currently somewhere between one and three o'clock. So, a time check there from Steve Merchant. No problem. Yeah, and, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th o'clock. So a time check there from Steve Merchant. No problem. Yeah and oh what what about this weather? Isn't it warm? Stroke, edit that go? Cold. Okay, whichever one. I'm pleased to see that the congestion charge has had some considerable effect. Had no effect. So just, yeah. Oh, wasn't that great on tele last night, the film. I particularly enjoyed last night's East Enders, Coronation Street, Brookside.

Okay, yeah. But... Where do we go now? Where do we go? Where do we go? Oh, where do we go? Where do we go? Oh, where do we go? Oh, where do we go? Oh, where do we go now? Oh, where do we go now? Where do we go now? Where do we go now? Where do we go now? Where do we go now? Where do we go now? Where do we go now? Well, where do we go now? Well, the to that? Well, where we to no, now? Where? Where? Where? Where? Where th no, th no, no, th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the th th the the th th the th the the the the the the th th? Where? Where the th th the th? Where the the th? Where the the th? Where th? Where do now? Where do th? Where do th? Where th? Where th? Where th? Where th? Where th? Where th? Where th? Where th? Where th? Where th? Where th? Where? Where th th th? Where th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th tho? Where tho? Where tho? Where to tho? Where tho to tho to tho to tho tho? Where to to tho? Where to tho? Where tho? Where tho? Where tho? Where do we go? Sweet too. Oh, where do we go now? Oh, yeah, I, I, yeah, yeah, oh, where do we go now? Oh, where do we go now? Oh, oh, where do we go? Oh, oh, where do we go?

Oh, oh, where do we go now? Where do we go now? Where do we go now? Where do we go now? Where do we go now? Where do we go now? Where do we go now? No, no, no, no, no, no.

Sweet time. Sweet time. Sweet Child, Sweet Child, Sweet Child, Sweet Child a today, All of My eyes. Oh, those boys can rock there. That's the guns with all their roses. And Sweet Child a Mine. On XFM, 104.9. I enjoyed that.

Yeah. That was good. It rocked. I enjoyed that. Yeah. That was good. It rocked. I hope the audience was playing it loud like us. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, really nice. Steve Merchant, Carl Pilgton. Well, look at him yawning.

How rude is that? Carl, what's wrong with your man? Have you been up late? Girlfriend was away wasn't she yesterday? Yeah I always have a problem with that. I always have a... because you don't go to bed do you, early? Do you know what I mean? You sort of think... I just always find that thing that if, you know, you used to living with someone, one of you will go, let's go to bed, then you'll go all right. But when you're on your own you go... You just forget to go to bed. their. You just... I. You just... I. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their... I. their... I. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. their th. th. th their.... th. their their their their their their their their their... I... I... I... I.... I.... I.... I.... I.... I.... I.... I.... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I just... I... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th th th th th th th th th th you've had all the food, that's just a plate, oh right, okay. No, I stayed up and watched, um, it was a thing on about Dracula. Right, what, Dracula? And I found the floor in it. Go on.

Not, not the fact that is the living dead and is, no. No. It's a drink blood to stay alive. And you can, go on. The mirror thing, you can't look in mirrors. Can he? Well, he can look in mirrors, but he can't see himself in a movie. Like that, it still doesn't work. Okay. It doesn't work at all, Carl. It doesn't work anyway. Well, centre partings always really neat. His centre partings always really neat. Loud he'd do it if you can't look at the floor or something it was called. Rubbish. I love the floor in the Dracula film is that his centre partings too neat. How do we do it

without a mirror? Was it a documentary about Dracula? No, the real Dracula. The real Dracula. Yeah, the real Dracula. It's just a film, it, blood on the floor or something. It's called, it's rubbish. We had little luncheon didn't we? We did indeed, that was a nightmare. Yeah, I hate going out with you too. I was explaining to Carl, right? I like to excite Carl's imagination, right? And if it involves chimps or monkeys all the better, and brains he likes, parts of the body, deformity, you know,

I know where to, you know, what buttons to push. And I told him about this thing, I don't know if any of you out there know about this, but there's an experiment they did in the 50s, a clinical psychology experiment, where there's your two hemispheres of the brain, okay, they're joined by a thing called the corpus callosum, right, which is just a little flaptap of skin, like a little, a little flap of skin like a little scartly that joins your two hemispheres and what they did they cut that in half and they thought it was a cure for schizophrenia but what it turned out to be or epilepsy I think I can't remember was that your two sides your brains didn't function together you couldn't get information I was telling Carl all this thing and one of the things I told him was they did they they they they they they they they they they they they did they did they did they did they did they did they did they did they did they did they did they did they did they did they did they did they did they did they did they did they did they did they did they did they did they they did they did it on they did they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they thed thed the the the the the theeeeee theeee theeee theeee thee the the the the they they they they the the on a monkey and it fought itself over a nut like its right arm was connected you know by

its left load of the brain and it was fighting over itself and Carl went instead of like thinking this is amazing experimenter he went would it would have been happy if you're giving it to nuts. Yeah I know. Well you started off by explaining and I remember you mentioned I was watching the two of you as you were describing it to me you said of course one side of the brain deals with symbolism and as you said the word the word the word the word the word the word the word the word the word the word the word. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi the thi's to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their their their their their their their the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the th. th. the th. th. th. the th. the. their the. their the. the. the. the. the. the. thee. theeeeeeeeee. theeeeeeeeee. theee. the. the. the. theirtwo of you as you were describing it to him you said of course one side of the brain deals with symbolism and as you said the word symbolism I noticed Carl drift away from looking at you pick up his mobile phone and start pressing buttons randomly and I thought I thought it was the word symbolism that got him and I noticed you took you just a moment longer and I think the first thing you say was when did I did I the the first thing you th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th th I th I the the the the the the the the first the the first the first the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the first I the first I the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the the the the the the the the the th th th th th th th thr thrific thrific thrific thr thri thri try try try try try to try to to try to to to told to to told to told to told to to thri he doesn't even try to disguise it. I said Nolucatia at one point as well. And I knew I was dicing with death there.

But I tried to look up didn't you on the on the web you find the the spelling of its what is it again what's the word? Corpus callosal? Yeah I said I couldn't put it. No is a point. Don't bother. Don't. the the the the th. th. th. th. th. you. you. you. you. you. you. you. you. you. you. you. you. you. you. you. you. you. you. tried. tried. tried. tried. tried. tried. You tried tried tried tried tried tried tried tried. You tried tried. You tried tried. You tried tried. You tried tried. You tried. You tried. You tried. You tried. You tried. You tried. You tried. You tried. You tried. You tried. You tried. You tried. You tried. You tried. You tried. You tried. You tried. You tried. You tried. You tried. You tried. You tried. You tried. You tried tried tried tried tried tried tried tried tried tried tried tried tried try been cutting her, is it, Carl? That would, again, what explains something. I tell you what we will be talking about later. I don't know if you're sort of aware of them, Steve? Bonobos. Oh, I don't know much about Bonobos. I told him about, he was looking for stuff. I said, put him bonobo. He was he was he was he was having. He was having. He was having. He was having. He was they. they. they was. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I. I. I was. I was. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was thi. I was to be to be thi. I to be to be to to to to to to to thi. I'll thi. I'll to be. I'll to be. I'll to be. I'll to be. I'll to be. I'll to be. I'll to be. I'll to be. I'll to be. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'll thia. I'll thi. I'll ta. I'll ta. I'll ta. I'll tote. I'll tell. I'll tell. I'll tell. I'll tell. I'll tell. I'll ta. I'll to be, evolutionally speaking, they've got their social groups are more like ours, they're more intelligent and he was loving it, weren't you?

So is it human bonobo Carl? Is that how it works on the evolutionary ladder? Chimp Carl? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So we're talking about Benobos, you're excited about that? No, I think it's a bit of a monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey it's a bit of a monkey bonus.

Oh that was great. That was very very funny. What a wonderful clip that was. I enjoyed. Do you remember that? Yeah, well, a few weeks ago, wasn't it really? I think it was last week. We'd have to have very, very bad memories not to remember that hilarious clip. I'd like to hear that again maybe in a couple weeks time when I'm away. Yes absolutely. It's is, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's thi. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Ohthat hilarious clip. I'd like to hear that again maybe in a couple weeks time when I'm away. Yes, absolutely. It's this embarrassing, isn't it? And we, you know, but you know the good thing is, on telly, I feel a bit gear-wee about putting out shoddy rubbish because I'm getting paid an awful lot. But here, you know, I don't give a shit they can bleep that. They will do, they will do. They will do. Bit of David. Bit of David Bowie. When's that ever at anyone, Steve? Never.

Lady Stardust, and the spiders from Mars and X-FM. the Spiders from Mars, an X-FM 104.9. I'm Ricky Javai, Steve. Never. Lady Stardust of Ziggy Stardust and the spiders from Mars and XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Javay, Steve Merchant, Carl Pilkington is in the middle of educating me. Colon then, educate me. Did I tell you the time when the doctor said I was going to die? All right, keep talking. Right. Ages ago, going about 15, right? And at lunchtime there was this, we used to have a choice of stuff to do at lunchtime, right? We used to have a, like like a burger place that had an arcade machine in it, right? So we used to go that and have a burger or there was this bakers right that my man worked at and did great cakes and stuff right so she used to like bring some home and that but she couldn't always

bring them home every night because you know they'd cost money and she used to get them for free and they used to say they'd rather chuck them away than give them to the staff because there's a chance that the cream might be off. Right so they used they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they th. I th. I th. thus thus thus thus thu the to to to that that to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the ty took took took took to took to took took to took took that took the the the the the took t give them to the staff because there's a chance that the cream might be off. Right, right so they used to chuck them round the back. So I used to go around the back with me mate and eat alone. So it was really, it wasn't out of bins they were still in trays but they just stacked them up near the bins right so this got out I mean it used to be the school found out everybody they th was th was th was th was th was th was th was th was th is th is th is the th is th is th is the th is th is th is the th is their th is th is their their thin thin the. So the. the. their the their their the. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the the the the the took took took took took took took toy toy toy. toy toy took. the. the the to to to to to to to th used to go there and it'd be like, well have a cake. The headmaster crawling for fighting the kids off. So I'd have, you know, you just eat, I don't know, six jam donuts or something and then you'd spend your dinner money on the arcade machine.

So it was a good afternoon really, right? So you'd do that and this one day I must have had six or seven jam donuts, a few congress tarts. Just I love him, I can't get him in London, right? So I'd have some of them. And if anyone can get a congress tart for Carl in London, please let him know. So anyway, this day, that was just a normal day. You'd once a twice a week, you'd have a load of cake. In your life. Were the frog boys there their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. th. th. thoomoy. thoom. It was. It was. ta. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. It. It. It. It. It. It. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was a the the the the t. It was. It was just. It was just. It was just. to. It was just. to. It was just. I was just. I was just. I was. I was. I I mean? You'd once or twice a week, you'd have a load of cake. In your life, yeah. So anyway. Were the frog boys there with the webbed hands and the big heads? So the horse in the city? But the day after one of these days they had really

bad cramp in my belly, I was like in agony, I could hardly walk. So I said to me my arm hardly. So I could the the the the they. So I could they. So I could they. So I could they. So I could they. So I could could could could could they. I could could could could the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their they. the their their their their their their their their their their their their their the frog. were were were were were their their the frog. were their their their their their their their their their their their w. their their w. their their w. their their w. Were their w. Were their woved. Were their their woved. th. toy. toy. toy. toy. toy. toy. toy. tog. tog. tog. togu. th the. the frog the frog boys the frog boys were their to the free cake. So I was in absolute agony. I said, I think, I don't like doctors, but you'll have to get a doctor in because I don't know what it is, I can't walk. He gets a doctor around. I won't say his name, but he said, he said, well, it doesn't look like he's got long left. Blighting. So I was a bit like, hang on a minute. I've only only only only cream donuts. My man was panicking. Sure. He went, my dad came in from work, she said, oh, something's really bad with

Carl, I think it's serious, you know, the doctors and he ain't got long left. So he said what, he said, what's it's just that and just left? So she said yeah. I'll have to call him then. So he called him up, he said, uh, what's their. So, their. So, their. So, their. So, their, they. So, they. So, they. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. Something's th's th's th. Something's th. Something's th. Something's something's th. Something's something's th. Something's something's th. So, th. Something's th. Something's th. Something's th. Something's something's th. Something's th. Something's th. So, th. Something's, th. Something's, th. Something's, th. Something's, th. Something's, th. Something's, something's, th. Something's, th. Something's th. Something's th. Something's the, the, th. th. th. thi. So, thi. thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's th he goes oh I was only messing. It's just got just had some bad cream. Can you believe that? Well the thing is... I like the fact your mom didn't ask any questions. I know. But she does need to tell you. No I can't explain more doctor it? No I got a shoe off. No but she doesn't. You know I don't want to diss you or your family but I imagine if I was there I'd have known the doctor was joking. That's all I'm saying. I mean, I sound very arrogant there, but I imagine he went, what's been, I had about six cream grounds, oh right, oh wow, he hasn't got long to live then. I'll see you later. That's what I think the doctor did. Yeah.

It's like the idea your mom just let him go. Terrified thinking, well I'm not going to prove me, that's it then. Dad comes in, hi honey, I'm home, anything happened? Doctor said Carl's going to die and then left, did he? I'll call him. But anyway, that's why these sort of things fascinate me. So we'll move on to this next one, right? Dead short story, so right, old woman, about 70 years old, she's normally fit and healthy and stuff, nothing wrong with her, she's having a good life. And one day she goes for a check to the doctors, just to check herself out, she's getting

on a bit. It says, take your clothes off and that. So she does. And checks her out, says yeah, you're looking good, you're looking good. Turn round. He said oh God, he says you've got a tumor on your buttock. So she goes, oh what can you do anything to sort out? So they go yeah yeah yeah we're booking for an operation it's best if we remove this. Books are in for an operation. Operation day comes, stripper down and that, they're all stood around, the doctors, start to operate. It only turns out it's a pork chop that she sat

on five years earlier and it had stuck to a buttock. Right, Carl, I can for you, I'm not, no, listen, serious. Okay, Carl, I tell you now, I'm never doing the show again. No I'm serious. Honestly, I've never, I've th. I'm th. I've the, I've the, I've the, I've the, I've the, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I, I, I, I'm, I'm not, I'm, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, the, the the the the th. I'm not, the th. th. the th. tha, the the the the the the the the the the the the the, I, I, I, I, I, Iell you now, I'm leaving. I'm never doing the show again. No, I'm saying, honestly. You're talking, I've never, any such, but... What do you mean? You couldn't believe it? No, when I read it, I said, I've got to tell Ricky that. This woman had a port job stuck to her ass for five years, you mental case. Of course she didn't. That is a blinding record and before that Rick what do you make of those adverts? They were great weren't they?

I like them, yeah. I'm going to buy all them products on the way home. And that's endorsed by Rickage of Aise. He's won awards. Rick, do you remember this? This was a hilarious one? No, you'll remember this? When you hear it was when Carl said something that was basic, well, wellthink for a lot of people it sounded like a lot of old bollocks. What have we got now?

Right, so we're looking to animals that we get rid of. I've spoken to someone about snails, I've spoke to someone about jellyfish and that, and that, a good museum, I said I'd give it a plug, it's a one near night's bridge, she's got dinosaurs and that and it's worth seeing. And this is a... Yeah. So, uh... It's not I'm sure. He's not sure. This is what happened. Now what I'll do, I'll tell you as much as I know and then you can fill me in if I'm right or wrong,

and then at the end of it we'll get to the bottom of whether we need them or not. Okay. All right, so first of all, the first thing that I found out is that they have 18 knees. That's not exactly possible. They're insects, so they have six legs. Yeah. And a knee is usually the junction between femur and tibia, that sort of classic human knee is and every other animal knee. So with six legs you can only have six knees. Could somebody sort of got mistaken for seeing one that was a bit double-jointed? I think you're grasping at straws or something.

All right, well, we might have to come back to that one then. They can hold the breath for 40 minutes. Well they don't do that because they don't breathe in the same way as us. They breathe through little spiracles holes down the side of the body so no. They're not a very apsimilate because the method of breathing is so different. What do you mean? Because insects have a totally different system. They don't have lungs in the way that we do and just breathing through one part of the body. They're actually breathing through every

segment of the body all of the time. So even though they've got the mouth shut, they might be able to slide. Nothing to do with breathing. They're just seeding. So you see, maybe that's where someone's gone wrong. Someone's got old of one and sort of their their their their their their their their their their their their. It's their. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. th. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. they're th. the. th. th. th. th. th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's breathing. It's th. It's breathing. It's th. It's they's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's the. It's the. It's thea. It's theateateateateateateateating. It's theateathea. It's just just just theathea. It's breathing. It's breathing. It's breathing. It's breathing. It gone wrong, someone's got old of one and sort of taped its mouth up or something and got bored after 40 minutes and said we'll call it a granite. A pretty unkind thing to do anything even a cockroach. Something else I found out. They can live for a week without an head. Well that's true if they don't beat to death in the process. But the weird thing is when I told you that they had 18 knees, you seem a bit sort of,

like, don't talk ridiculous. But then we're talking about an animal that can live without an head. So there's a little bit of truth in that one, yeah? Why, when it was invented, has it got that facility? Say if someone said to humans, we could do that with humans, and you know, if you lose your head in some accident, it gives you a bit of time to sort of go back to your family and maybe write them a note, you won't be able to have a chat but write on my note saying it was my own fault and it was nice knowing you. Well that would be a useful facility I agree but corporaties agree with survivors I mean they've been around for over 300

million years they're one of the most primitive insects. All right well I've also is it true that they do a lot of resting apparently they can sort of the their times the times the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tha the tha tha tha tha tha tha the the the the the the the the the the the of the of the of to to to their their to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their to to to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their tou their their their their their their their their. their their try. thau. thau. thau. thau. thau.. Yeah, they just set about doing nothing. It's probably true of a vast proportion of the world's fauna. I mean maybe the 25 percent that they are working, they're really giving it some. So it might make up. And they can slow down considerably. You can chill insects in the fridge and they'll become very, very quiet. You might think they're dead. I'm sure, you they they they they they they they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'll become very, very quiet. You might think they're dead.

Yeah, but I'm sure, you know, if we were sat in a fridge, you know, we'd go a bit quiet, wouldn't we? You know? Well, you might not know much about it, of course. Yeah, but... not quite reading the right sources. Well, I've been using the internet. I'm sure there there are many useful sources that you could find there, but some some of thoes thoes tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho thi thi thi thi thi thi thi they'll they'll thi thi thi thi' thi' thi' thi' thi thi' thi' thi' thi' they' they're they're they're they're they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi they's they's they'll they'll they'll they'll they're they're thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii thi thi thi thi ththere but some of those seem to have been a little misleading to you. So you don't agree with a lot of what I've told you there. So cockroaches can we get rid of them? So we're keeping them then? I would say so yes. I think we should get her on more often because she sounds like she'd be a bit of an ally really. Because she knew, immediately, you were talking nonsense. She even said, I think you should be more concerned about your sources, which I've been trying to tell you for a year,

right? The fat, I mean, 18 knees, where did you get that from? It was on the internet. They can hold their breath for 40 minutes. I mean, I don't know what you read and take on. Mad world, ti-, it's XFM, 104.9, you've got that bit right. Ricky Javeau, Shoe, with me Stephen Merchant. Carl is actually in a little booth. We're not in the studio, you see, this is pre-recorded, we recorded this last week, because

we're away, and it's sort of like the best of, best of, since last time we were away when we put like the best of. Okay what's the next one? What's the educating Ricky? I don't know. See like I say I was looking around and this stuff that is interesting. I was looking on the web but there's no point. Well it's just I found one about a lad who eight years old but he's still breastfed. Now I don't know if you can get anything out of that. Is that what his mum said? What do you mean I don't know if I can get anything out of that? You don't need to? No, it's just that. Where do you read that? That was on the internet? How? Well, yeah. You're always unspecific, unspecific when you mention it? It's just it was on the internet? It's just it was on the internet.. that. that. that. It's that. It's that. It's that. It's that. It's that. It's that. It's that. It's th. It's th. It's that. It's that. It's that. It's that. It's that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. it's just that. Where do you read that? That was on the internet. How? Well, yeah. You're always unspecific when you mention it. It's just it was on the internet. Well, I try I think what I put in, I think I put in why to see if I'd confuse a computer. Ah! Ah! Go! Go! You are! Honestly? I did a search, put in why and he came up with funny things that like why is this

person doing that, why is that? And I had a picture of this eight year old lad sort of, you know, on his mom's nipple. It was saying, you know, is this healthy? You sure that wasn't asking you that question? What are you? I put in why? Just the computer? Like, what do you mean? What, what? And, what? And, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, that? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I, I? I? And, I? I, I, I, I, I, I? And, I? And, I? And, I? And, I? And, I? And, and I? And, and I? And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, that? And, that? And, that? And, that? And, that? And, that? And, I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I had, I had, I had, I had, I had, I had, I had, I had, I had, I had, I had, that, I had, I had, I had, that, that, that, that, that? Why, that? Why, that, that wasn't asking you that question? What, I put in why? Just to confuse the computer. Like they were going, what do you mean? Stop it!

Yeah. Oh, look, yeah. Last week I was walking home with him and I went, uh, he was saying so it was stupid. Now I went, I've got a competition for next week. Let's do a phone in and it's called Carl Pilkington, Genius or Fool. Yeah, right? And he went, no, no, why not? He went, well, it'd be confusing because they say there's no difference between genius and being a fool. They do though, no, no, it's rubbish and people say there's a fine line

between madness and genius and, you know, it's a ridiculous sound bike. They don't say, there's a fine line between madness and genius and you know it's a ridiculous sound bike they don't say there's a fine line between genius and an idiot well the people who do our idiots yeah yeah so what would you do that lad loves his ma'am's his mom's milk what are you talking me what are you asking me to come up with no I'm just tit all for the story no no no it's just it's just what would you do what would I do what they th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the tho tho the the the tho the tho the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tho tho the the the the thea thea' thea' they they. thea' they. the their the their their the the the the for the story? No, no, no, no. It's just what would you do? What do what would I do? Well, it's causing a bit of a problem in the area, right? What area? In America? In America, I think it was. Oh, America are a problem? Are they? George Bush is worried about this kid who's breastbreeding eight. Imagine it like, right. Imagine it's it like this right. Right. Right. What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what. the. the. the. th. Well, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what is. Well, what is. Well, what is. Well, what is. Well, what is. Well, what is. Well, what is. Well, what is. Well, what is. Well, what is. Well, what is. Well, what is. Well, what is. Well, what is. Well, what is. Well, what is. Well, what is. Well, what is. Well, what, what, what is. Well, what, what, what is. Well, what. Well, what. Well, what. Well, what. Well, what. Well, what. Well, what. Well, what. Well, what. Well, what. Well, what. Well, what, the. Well, what is. Well, the. Well, the. Well, it's. It's. It's. It's. It's, it's. It's, it's, it's a the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the on the internet. I saw on the internet this eight year old lad he likes his ma'am's milk and it's saying is this right should it go on? No it's not. But what do you want Ricky to do about it? It's not his responsibility?

Yeah. No, but the little town that he lives in, they're all causing an uproar right? Going, this isn't right? I can't let my kid play out in case in in in in the the the bit hungry right so what should they do because his ma'am's saying well he likes it yeah and he you know what so what do you do I don't know the laws no but I'm not asking you to sort out the laws I'm just saying if you lived in that neighborhood what would you say if he went up to him said look everyone's to be fed up with this I said what what would do the the the the the the do do do do to to to do to you you to to you you you to to you to the the the the to the to the the they they they they to they to to to they the their they to to to to to to to their their their their the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their they they they they they they they they they too ty ty ty ty ty ty ty ty ty ty ty that that that that they they they they everyone's getting a bit fed up with this, love. I said, what, what would I do? What do you mean what would I do? What are you asking me? Right, it doesn't matter. No, no, no, no, what are you asking me and Steve and the public?

I'm just saying, say if you live next door to this woman, right? Yeah. kids hungry, eight years old, is out playing on his bike and he goes, ma'am, I'm getting a bit peckish and he goes, all right, son, she whops one out. And he starts having his milk, right? You live next door, you're putting your washing out and you see this going on. You're getting a bit sick of it because it's gone for months. Eight years I see. Why is it your business? Why are you such a nosy neighbor that you're concerned? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? th? the? th? th? the, th? th? th? th? the th? th? the th? thi? the they? their? their? their? their? thi? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He's? He's? He's? Why? He's? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why, the tahahahahahahahe? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why are you such a nosy neighbour that you're concerned? What would you do, Carl? Let's turn it back on him. What would you do? What would you do? Well, I thought, I'd say, right, why are you doing this? And she'd say, because he likes it.

And I go, all right then, put it in a bowl first. Jesus. And you think that would sort that out? No, because I was thinking about the whole thing right and you do that when you're a baby and everything's all right, isn't it? Yeah. Go on bats an eye lid on that little baby having a bit of milk from its mom's breast, right? You'd almost say it was natural. But you grow out of it.

It got me things you don't see, and you don't see... Did you put this into a computer? Show me things you don't see? What else don't you see? Well you don't see like an old man having a twix. You never... You never... You don't see it all the tweaks. Oh, no, that's a terrible thing about all this Steve is he's right you don't see it all that you don't know that's a terrible thing so what they have got right they've made old man's office aren't they they've come up with worders.

Is that a song? Oh god you don't see it all so they've got their worthers right? Look at him. You think he's giving a lecture at Oxford! It's not going anywhere. No, go on, sorry. Go on. I'm just saying, you grow out of things. And the old man, I'm sure when he was a kid, he'd have a twit. But now it doesn't look right, so he's originals were specially designed for old people. I think they were sweets that just haven't to have been made for years.

That's why old people eat them. They didn't go, hang on, there's a market here. I've noticed old people aren't eating twixes. Quick, let's make some old man sweets. But the little advert he gives it to his face and gets get me a twist. Yeah. It is a bit like. It is a bit like being Dennis Norden, playing some great moments from the show.

I was just imagining Dennis Norton. It's a bit like being Dennis Norton. I was just imagined Dennis Norton one day sort of just like waking up out of his stupo he's doing this but he and he go into the producer go I've just seen a couple of my programs I just saw it be right on the night 18. It's shit. Why didn't someone tell me tell me? Well we didn't want to upset you because you know but I've been doing it way too long where you could just let me come forever well until you died yeah well why can't my son take over well he's 80 Dennis and the jokes I'm doing they're awful

they're just why have I got that clipball I've written these shows they're not funny there's an audience they're laughing they're not laughing they're not not laughing they're not laughing they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not not not they're not not not they're not not they're not they're not not they're not they're not not they're not they're not they they're not they they they they they they they they they they they they're not not not not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they they're not they they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not not not they're not not not not not not not not they're not they're not not not they're not not they're not not they're not not not they're not they're not not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not laughing, that's calm laughter. Who are those audience? Who goes to an audience for it? It'll be right on the night. A lot of them are older than you. It can't be right. We have 15% fatality in one of your audiences. But I went home at Christmas, I watched one of the episodes, I was with my family and friends, I said, watch this you'll love it. Stony face, no one laughed they all thought it was shi- Well, why didn't you tell me earlier? We didn't want to hurt your feelings you're an old man

You may be upward of 102 I didn't realize. Yeah Here's a problem that someone's emailed in we're taking emails today if you've got a problem with concern Or you know, just a general query that could be about some of the big kind of philosophical questions. It could be something to do with war or famine, anything like that. Or it could just be a personal dilemma, you know, something that's happening locally. Anyway, this seems one that I think you probably have, you probably have, you probably, you and your father have probably come across this sort of dilemma in the past of it. He says he lives in a suburban area where the local teenagers also live on the same road and they're running riot, they're smashing wing mirrors off the cars, they're crashing in the park cars on their skateboards, and they're just generally making hate,

na-hem, you know, night and day. What can he do to stop this going on? The parents of the kids don't seem to give a damn. Anyone who they they they they they they they they they of violence which what they got to do to apparently convict them so. And they don't know what you'd turn to, really? It's like when a little old lady got and got the 18, you know, the middle of a show. It's a great thrown, and he was dressed as an elderly China, you know. Exactly. like years ago when I was growing up on the estate, yeah you had problems but not like you have now, you know. Sammers were nice as well, aren't they? Well, right. And...

Police are getting shorter, and you're younger. But you yourself kind of admitted in the past that you were something of a tear away. You didn't do anything like these accident and legging it in the lounge and sort of pretending to go asleep on the settee. Genius. And I heard a knock at the door and a clock formed himself. Just to be unconscious when his dad came home. And there was a knock on the door and I thought, oh God, this is a fellow he saw me.

I was chucking a stone in the air seeing how I could throw it. Did he keep landing on your head? That would explain a lot. And it came down... Junk in the air, love it! To see how far I could throw it. So you know, I wasn't bothering anyone about it. Did you get the stone for your birthday? Go and play with your stone. Go and play with your stone. Go and play with your stone. Yeah!

The thing is right, and it came down at a funny angle, and it ate the back of this car and the back window is the most expensive because it has that heating thing in it, in case you got a frosty window. So I thought, oh God. So I leg that in, got on the city, went to sleep,'t be guilty, I'm asleep. I love the idea. So the thing is our lounge used to sort of, you could see in from the door, right? So this family who saw me do it, saw me asleep and my mom said, go and get the door. And I sort of went, oh, as if I'd been asleep.

I went to the door like rubbing my eyes, and the fellow, the fellow, the fellow, the fellow, the f f f f f f f fell thola, to said, to to to thola, to to to to to the door like rubbing my eyes and the fellow said, what did you run off for? I saw you. I was like, oh no. And I didn't see my dad, I went out, it was when he was working sort of evenings, so I went out so I didn't have to see my dad. And then the next day I came on from school and my dad said, that's 45 quid, and my dad said, that's all he said, 45 quid, that's 45 qui that's 45 qui that's 45 qui. that's 45 qui. that's 45 qui. That's 45 qui, that's that's fell asleep when he went, wake up, wake up, you know what I said? No, 45 grid, cut out. Now the thing is, you didn't have to do anything. 45 pounds, Carl, now I know you were saving up for a brick, but you can't have it.

But you can't have it. Yeah, just do it. Equally, query for you. This is from Jay. He's got a problem here. He says, my parents won't let me ditch my studies. He's currently reading modern languages at London University. Sure. He wants to follow his dream, but his parents won't let him of being a dancer, he says that they're trying. He doesn't want to do, she's got the arranged marriage coming along and he's also got, you know, he basically wants to, you know, wants to be a dancer. His parents are forcing him into something more

practical. Well, the first thing, right? I don't arrange marriages for people? Well, I'm just saying right, so I'd say, Jay, go along with that. I wouldn't worry about it. Okay. I mean if they're really ugly, then, you know, don't go along with it, but if they're half bad, yeah, put up with it. That's that solved. Brilliant. I wanted to be a dancer. After I did the boxing,

right, I joined a dancing thing just near Man United's Ground, right, called Twiggy's. I went along, I wanted to learn some moves. How old were you? Well it was when Michael Jackson was like pretty big so, about 80, 83, 84, 85, so like that, around there. Um, wanted to do it. Um, when I went, uh, when I went, the, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, joined, joined, joined, I, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, joined, joined, joined, joined, joined, joined, joined, joined, the, joined, joined, joined, joined, joined, the, joined, joined, joined, joined, joined, joined, joined, joined, joined, joined, the, joined, joined, joined, the, joined, joined, joined, the, joined, joined, joined, the, joined, the the the three eighty four eighty five around there wanted to do it when I went it was shut and it had become like a warehouse for a toilet rolls so in a way I wonder what would have happened sorry how is that an anecdote about you going through dancing you've told me before you what you did boxing for a while you had true fighting the boxing you didn't even get in the play that's that's not an You've told me before, you did boxing for a while, you did dancing for a while, you had two fighting the boxing, you didn't even get in the play, that's not an...

You, imagine if that was a film? This is a boy's dream to become a dancer. Oh, it's shut. Next on, I mean, how is that a story? Yeah, that was Billy Elliot. Do you think it won one quarter of any awards? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. then. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi? Yeah. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, to. Oh, to. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, story? Yeah, that was Billy Elliot. Do you think it would have won a one-quartered for any awards? Yeah, yeah, brilliant, foot loose, all right? I'm fed up, they banned it, let's go, oh it's a flash dance. Flash dance. First, there was, ah, it's a warehouse, never mind, you.

I'm just saying, you know, you'll find something else. I think I got a go- I got got a go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go a go a go a go a go a go a go a go a go a go a go a go a goised go cat and kept myself busy with that. So there's always all the fun. Just thing Alan Bennett has to sit down and really sweat over his stories. Yeah. He just opens his mouth. You are a living Alan Bennett character. So that's that solved. Well Jay don't worry about that. There's no emotional there, emotional problems I can foresee. If you follow that advice. So the advice there is doing arranged marriage, if she's not minning, she's not completely minging, and don't worry about dancing, get a go-carp. Cheers. This is XFM 104.9 I'm Rookie to Raise with me Stephen Mercher. You're listening to the best of basically Carl Bilkington. You don't talk to anyone do you in the week? You just hide in your little sound booth thing and you really don't talk to anyone do you much?

Not really. No. I mean you know you might call up. Yeah. But now I keep myself to myself the thinne. Then you don't get bogged down to to to to to to to to to to the to to to the to the to to to to the their to to their tho. tho. tho. tho. You tho. You tho. You tho. You tho. You tho. tho. You tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. the the the tho. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. thea. thea. tole. tole. toooooooooooooooooooooo. the the the the the. the to myself. Then you don't get bogged down in the office politics and stuff. Yeah. Is there a lot of office politics here? I don't know. I don't get involved in it. Oh yeah. Yeah. Proved your point. So when we're away and we're like out of action, other than Suzanne, who will you talk to of a day? How will you get sort of feedback from the world? How you get sort of like input and... I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I the the the the world. How are you getting sort of like input and... I always, if I've ever got like a question on anything, the internet sat there and I can just go online and find out. The internet is good. It's brilliant. But it's not all verified. It's not all factually, necessarily factually accurate. Anyone can put things on to the internet.

It's that you know that's it's freaks and things that put on things like is what is one that I read in the week one one about this woman yeah she was a bit of a punk and um to get a hair done like she wanted it super glue right now she got lard apparently it's a popular thing you might you might know put loud on your head yeah and you put it in the oven now now apparently the heat that you get from the oven is different from the sort of heat you get from an air dryer right and she had to do that to get the style that she wanted but anyway she comes in some money or whatever treats herself to a microwave right. It doesn't it's not true. Opens the door jams the things you know like the

little catch so the things, you know like the little catch, so the microwave works, she jams it with a screwdriver or a knife or something. Yeah. Pots the microwave on sticks are adding, boils a brain. Don't be ridiculous. Right? Well, why is that ridiculous? Boils her brain. She boiled her brain. She boiled her brain. And this is what's good about the internet. I went straight from that, and there was, and there, and there, and there, and there, and there, and there, and there, and there, and there, and there, and there, and there, and there, and there, and there, and there, and there was was was there was the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their, pots, pots, pots, pots, and their, and their their, and their their their their their, and their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the was thops, and thops, and thops, and thops, and thops, and thops, and thops, and thops, and thops, and thops, and thops, and thops, and their theats, and their their. She boiled her brain. And this is what's good about the internet. I went

straight from that and there was a subject about brains and do you know that Russell Crow when he dies is given his brain to charity or something, some sort of some people who can do stuff with it. She gave hers to pot noodle. Vesta. Yeah. Boil in her skull. That's not true. It's not true. It's not true. It's not true. that. th th th th th th th th right. th right. th right. th right. th. th. th. th. th. th. thrate. thrate. thrate. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. thrate. the. the. th. Yeah. Boiling a skull. Yeah. That's not true, Carl. Just urban myths. Someone made it up for a laugh. They're just too convenient urban myths. Everyone said, you can tell an urban myth, not true, because it's always, this

happened to a mate of mine and and when you say what happened then, they go, don't that was it, was that it, that it, that it, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, so their their their their thethen they go don't know that was it was it was that it was it someone boiled a brain and that was it there was no more story there's there's there any dates of it I think it was in Belgium there's that there's that there's that there's that one that a bloke right was gonna get a phone call at four o'clock to find out if his business was you know you you you, right? And if he didn't get the phone call, he knew he was broke, destitute. So at dead on four o'clock, the phone didn't ring, so he went up to the roof, his office and he jumped off to commit suicide. And as he was passing his window, the phone was ringing. Oh no.

Oh no. Oh no. Carl it didn't happen. It didn't happen. Think it through. Think it through. Who told that story? Who told that story? Who told that story? As he's the paink that story? He's the only person who could have known those, that series of incidents.

Also why didn't he wait to 5 past? I'm going to give the th th th th th th, I th, I th, I'll th, I'm going th, I'm going th, th, to give th, to give to give th, to give th, th, th, th, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, who's tho, who's tho, who's, who's tho, who's tho, who's tho, who's tho, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who,'ll give it five minutes just in case. In case the lives of busy. Yeah. And what sort of, what sort of bloc goes out, I'll call you at four, okay if your business, well call me anyway. No, no, if I don't call exactly four, then, uh, no, commit suicide. I would commit suicide. I would because if I don't call it, I don't because, because, because, because, because, that, that, that, I don't, I don't, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll call, I'll call, I'll call, I'll call, I'll call, I'll call, I'll call, I'll call, I'll call it, I'll call it, I'll call, I'll call, I'll call, I'll call, I'll, I work. Why can't he just call me and tell me the other way? Well, I'm telling you I would do it. If you're bust, I don't call.

Can't you just call to verify it in case someone goes wrong, what if it's engaged? It wouldn't be engaged. Just commit suicide at four, please. It didn't happen, Carl. He's on a train station and I say I heard it, he's waiting for a crew station and he he shits himself as he does and so he goes, oh my the train's in five minutes so he runs across to Millet and goes quick, Levi's 36, the bloke just puts it in a bag, he runs onto the train, it goes into the toilet, takes his trousers and pants off.

He's soiled, throws them out of the window, won't be needing those again, cleans himself off, open the bags, it's a jacket. Oh, no, he didn't have him go! At what point did he go into it and go quick Levi's 36 and the bloke went sorry Levi's 36 what a pair oh no no shall I wrap them them It shall I wrap just wrap whatever it is do you want to look no I'm not looking when you're putting it in the bag please right well 36 way story so well not don't say anything I've told you 36 Levi's I've told you 36 Levi's. They put it in a bag and charged me for it. Yeah. I don't want to discuss it further. Yeah. There was one,

there there's one about a woman whose husband died and she had him cremated and made like a little egg timer out of him and she said I did that so it can still help around the kitchen. Well that might be true that might be a joke that's quite sweet that might be true. It's true stories again it was all not again because the ones I just told weren't nor is the boiling the brains in a bag curry microwave head story true yeah's all. I'd like to play a beautiful song now by Cat Stevens called Lidewite. It's lovely. A song for the lover's room? Yeah. Big Sal.