The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Xfm S2E29 (March 8, 2003)

Episode Date: September 4, 2022

With the second series of ‘’The Office’’ complete, Gervais, Merchant, and Pilkington returned to XFM in August of 2002 to resume their 2-hour Saturday afternoon broadcasts. Though Pilkington’s name was still not being used in promotional materials, the format mainly centered on his contributions with Gervais and Merchant mostly reacting to the various things Karl said and did, a format that would endure through the remainder of the radio broadcasts and podcasts, concluding in 2012.This was the longest stretch of XFM shows, running 51 weeks until August 2003 when Gervais and Merchant again went on hiatus, this time to record the Christmas Special (finale) for ‘’The Office’’.During the year, Pilkington introduced many of the show’s most notable segments including “ Monkey News”, “Rockbusters”, “Songs of Phrase”, and “The Film Thing”, among others. Karl grew increasingly frustrated with Ricky’s antagonism toward him throughout the year, and over the final few shows, suggested he did not want to continue on. Gervais and Merchant repeatedly said on air they would not return if Pilkington didn’t agree to remain with the show.

Beautiful day, you too, to kick off the show Steve. Absolutely. The Ricky Gervais show with Steve Merchant. And Claire Sturgis. Ah, no boys. Carl's ill. Well, he's not here. I mean, I never believe people when they're all.

I think they're always malingering. I never take any days off. I think they're always malingering. Unless it's life-threatening or... To be fair, Rick, can I just stop you there? It's not so much that you take days off as you'll just suddenly decide around lunchtime that you've over-eaten and you need to go and lie down with a cold compress. Yeah, that's my own... I'm my own boss. Yeah. So it's not so much you take days off of a day. Yeah. So it's not as much you take days off as you as you as you as you as you as you as you as you as you as you as you as you as you as you as you as you as you as you as you as you as you as you as you as you as you as you as you as you as you as you as you as you as you as you to as you to as you to as you to take as you to take as to take as to take as to as to as to take as to take as to take as to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th as th as th as tho their their their their tho their tho their tho tho tho tho tho tho tho to to to to to to to to to to to to take that hour and half off a day. Exactly. Um, XFM, one of 4.9.

So what's the story? Claire, do you know anything about Carl? Do you know what is, is it ill? No, I think he's got this sort of cold virus that's going on. He found me yesterday. He did sound poorly in his defense. Polly. Well, I'll tell you, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I miss this show, the flagship show of the week on XFM.

You know you are right because and you've been away away in two weeks we have the best off again. But let's part of the best of the last two weeks shall we? I mean I'm gonna try and get him on the phone him and I want him to really explain himself because you know I think he's malingering to be honest. Well he phoned me in the week and he said Steve don't forget there's a documentary on on Friday night about Oliver the Humanzi the human monkey he said he said to me it's gonna be brilliant and it wasn't. And it wasn't brilliant. It was I've specially stayed in and watched it I've taped it and watched it afterwards and I've never seen so much the desperation they kept showing the same clip of this definitely this chimpanzee that walked upright like

a lot of chimps can. Exactly. Right. It lost its hair so it was half human because all humans are bald. So that's the half human bit. It didn't have hair. The other thing was this desperation to go, could it be half-chip? No, it's a chimp that superficially looked less like a chimp than other chimps.

So Lee Evans looks a bit like a chimp, half-human? No, he's a human who looks a bit like a chimp. That's libelous. Yeah. That's a bit inside. Yeah, I'm really sorry about that. I'll get back to you on that. Tick-Tock, that's Coldplay and Clots on XFM, 104.9. Actually, can I tell you a cold play coming in a couple of weeks time to a co-host Zoe Ball Show? Right, one, don't ever interrupt me. Two, don't tell them about other people's shows. Okay, moving on thanks. Please do not mention that there their their their tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. thate. thathe. thathe. that. that. that. that. that. that. tho. tho. th. th. th. th. thate. tho. th. th. th. th. to th. tho. tho. That's. That's. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho. tho. tho. th. th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. And, ta. And, tole. C. And, to. C. And, to. C. C. And, tell. C. And, tell. And, tell. And, telllevision celebrities on this channel, on this station. We don't want to convince me it's only Ricky. But the interruption was the main thing.

Absolutely, sorry. Well we can't get older Carl, right? We looked, it's got his old number, he's got his number. What, his home number? Yeah, it's a whole number. much funny going on he doesn't want to be contacted he hasn't given me his home number I've tracked down a friend who's looking it for us that phone might ring any moment I apologize for that but why is Carl not available it's interesting that neither you or I and I like to think of ourselves as being fairly close friends of Carl yeah yeah we have made him the man he is today we cannot get in tough in tou in the same way in that that same way in that that that that that that that that that the same way in that that that that that that that that the same way in that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that the same way in that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that the same way in the same way that that the same way that the same way that that that that that that that the same way that that the same way the same way the same way the same way the same way the same the same the the the the the the bloke the bloke that bloke that that that bloke that that that that that that that that that that that that that that think that Carl is now ours. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Well, yeah, exactly. I think very much that's true, yeah.

Yeah. Carl is very much like a human-Z. If we're going to lose contact with him and find him five years in a circus in Manchester. Exactly. They're doing experiments on him. Yeah, and they're going to- We can. Well, there's some of the wrong. He looks like a human woman. He looks like like a human. He's like like like like like like like like like like like, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's all fours whenever he can yeah he's not interested in other human women he's only interested in apes yeah yeah it doesn't make sense oh my god and he's bald he is bold oh look this there's as much evidence for Carl being a human Z as Oliver I think there's more I think there's more I think there there's more and oh well well Carl barely walks up right I know I there's there there there there there there there there there there there there there th th th th I th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th is th is th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th is th is th is th is th is not I th is not I th is not I th is not I th is not I th is not I th is not I th is not thi is thi is thi is thi is thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi th think there's more and oh well car barely walks up right I know scared of fire yeah I know it's just it is interesting isn't it Oliver was built wasn't he I see I I don't know I was looking Rick I'm interested to

I'm interested that you I couldn't what your eyes were kind of uncontrolled you were just there no I didn't say anything I was just looking at his face no no I'm sorry Rick but if there's something you want to get to get the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their there there there there there there there there there there there there's there there there's there's there's there's there's there there there's there's there's there's to to to to to to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their is is their their their is their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th is th is th is th is th is thi thi thi the is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is thi is the is the drawn towards his... Steve, they were just there. I didn't say anything. I was just looking at his face. No, I don't... Sorry, Rick, but if there's something you want to get off your chest. And that was the human part of it then, was it, being built like that? Because that's humans have it, but... Although Carl's is very to slot into place. And I've seen him climb up a cabinet and eat a banana as well. Just a...

Yeah. And peel it with his toes. It's all coming together. Right, we're going to track him down because he's malingering. He's definitely... I'll tell you what, he's at home now, in the garden swinging on his tire tire tire tire. tie tie tie thea hea. He's, hea. He's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, and he's, and he's, and he's, and he's, and he's thi. And he's thi. And he's thi. And he's thin' thirty, and he's toe, and he's toe, and he's toe, and he's toe, and he's to have to have. And he's to have. And he's to come, and he's to come, and he's to come. And he's too, and he's too, and he's thi. And he's thi. And he's, and he's, and he's, and he's, he's, he's, he's thi. And he's thi. And he's thin. And he's thin. And he's thin. And he's theanananan't toda. And he's toe. And he's toe. And he's toe. And he's toe. And he's toe. And he's toe. And he's tell you what, he's at home now in the garden swinging on his tire. He's not ill. I think more truthfully someone said to me, I said Carl might be ill, they said, right, are you not going to do the radio show then? Well that's what annoys me. I mean that's the biggest problem is that let's be honest we haven't got anything anything without all.. I've got some great music is that not a... Well it's a small, it's a small conversation. It's not really really true, isn't it? Okay, well play some great music now. Okay, wedding present Stee. Yeah, waiting present. Yeah, I'll explain. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. th. th. thereen th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. There is a monkey theme. There is a monkey connection. Call it if you know the answer. Perfect.

Wasn't Pleasant? Doing their cover version of Pleasant Valley Sunday. That's from this new compilation of those. Remember they brought out a load of 7 inches? Of course I do? Of course I do. Of course, it was my favorite day. Do you remember on the B-side of each one there was a cover of a different song? Steve I even played the B-side of each one and listened to the song. The connection there that we're talking about was of course it was by the monkeys.

Indeed. Yeah, yeah. They turned up in yesterday's episode, didn't they? A lot of people won't have seen this documentary. It was on Channel 5 after all. what we're actually talking about. If we just happen to mention Oliver, a lot of people don't know what that means. Yeah. If we explain that it is the primate version of Carl. Yeah, exactly. That's a short hand, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. But it was, they were on a Japanese, a Japanese TV show. They were doing experiments on him to find out if he was half human. And the monkeys happened to be there. Mickey Dolan is saying. they. They they. th. thi. thi. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. that's, thi. that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's that's, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's that's that's that's that's that's th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, th. th. th. they. they. the sort sort sort sort sort of sort of sort of sort of sort of sort of sort of sort of sort of sort of sort of sort of sort of sort of sort of sort of sort of sort of sort of that's a sort. Yeah. Yeah happen to be there. Mickey Doleen saying you know I'm quite interested to find out because you know I'm a monkey one of brilliants. Excellent. It was absolutely bizarre. Of course we've been off jetting around the

world Claire I don't know I don't want to boast I'm sure you don't want to both either. Carl told me you'd been off you know to the state. Yeah that was the the reason we were the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they. they. I I they. I was. I've they. I've they. I've they. I've they. I've they. I've they. I've they. I've they. I've they. I've the the the the the here in the last couple of weeks that we went to Los Angeles. It was a little bit of business, a little bit of pleasure, you know I'd like to combine the two. It was, we were meeting a company about doing the office for America. Actually redoing it. Yeah, redoing it with... Not with the Caste, American actors. The thing was they were flying us over, it was like the whole business class you know, you know spending a little bit of money and virgin upper class I'd like to record excellent it's brilliant very good certainly definitely yeah Richard Branson lovely bloke and I don't know it's too brilliant I don't I don't think he owns it anymore does he not but he still a good what is he

he must own he must own somewhat we can get oh oh did he do what he does he he to what he he he thought so much. No, no, V2? What did he do? V2? Virgin V and Virgin V? Some beauty. What's that? Virgin VIII? Is pick you up in a sort of chauffeur-driven car they drive you down there's no but they don't have to check in with all the wish-... Virgin upper-class it's like yeah yeah yeah it's you don't need to sort of queue up with the great unwashed with screaming kids information ahead to the airport and you just drive through a kind of drive-through McDonald's-style check-in, they take your bag, they check your passport, boom, they drop you at the executive lounge where there, I swear to God, lovely free plums, lovely, free plums.

I had two lovely juicy-free plums. I've had to get the that I'm capable of. I heard the way he is flying for his car to America in a such comedy. I changed it, I transposed the whole thing so suddenly he was sucking on a man's testicles who he'd never met before. Exactly. For money. That's the sort of things on capically. Which is only half true. So he's used comedy. That's why he was being jetted off to America to talk a comedy. That is the kind of college. But it was great. It was a really lovely flight. It was a lovely car, electric car. And the flight, it was like the advert. I thought they've got those beds that sort of just, the seats kind of reclined. And you've got anything you want to, I was fallen asleep. And I sort of, I sort of, like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was sort of, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, the. It. It. It's, the. It's, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the iresses was covering me with a blanket. It was like the advert. It was just brilliant. The lights came down and ever.

What comes around and says, do you want a massage during the flight? You can have as much drink, you can't have a drink and then you have a drink and then you have a drink and then you can't have a drink and the light of it. So anyway, I can't believe my luck. So I'm driving, and I'm, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, do, the, do, do, do, do just in a car, just chauffeur-driven car. And I get to the airport and I, you just hand your passport through the window of this car to this little woman who comes over. And I'm just sort of buzzing the window down, handing it to her buzzing it back up, like I don't want to talk, I don't want to discuss things. expired. I went, what do you mean? She went as expired. I said it's business class, what can you do? Can you do anything? And she went, no, we can send you to America. But eight hours later you'll have to just turn around and come back. They won't let you through

immigration. I was like, what going to do? I got to go to Los Angeles and talk about the office and the office and she said, well, well, they's a th......... Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, th.... th. th. th. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm th.. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi.-driven car drove me straight to the passport office down in sort of Victoria, which I have to say, so I had to go back into town. I didn't get on a plane. I'm wearing my suit, because I thought I'd wear the suit so I'd look like a real player. So I'm wearing a suit. I've known the fact that the fact that I was, I don't, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'd, I, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd. So, I'd. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd. So, I'd. So, I'd. So, I'd. So, I'd. So, I'd. So, I'd. So, I'd. So, I'd. So, I'd. So, I'd. So, I'd. So, I'd. So, I'd. So, I'd. So, I'd. So, I'd. So, I'd. So, I'd. So, I'd. So, I'd. So, I'd. So, I'd. So, I'd. So, I'd. So, I'd. So, I'd. and slippers. But you know, wasn't that why she covered you with a blanket? One point. But so they tell me about down to the passport. I don't know if you've had to go down and get your passport change, but they treat you

like you are an illegal immigrant, sneaking into the country. I'm wearing a suit, I've got a lubledue. I'm clearly a dignified thaged thaged thaged thaged thaged thaged thi thi thi thi, I'm a thi, I'm a thi, I'm clearly a thi, I'm clearly a thi, I'm clearly a thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm thiol-I' thi, I'm thiol-I's thi, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm thi, I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm a thi. I'maa. I'ma. I'ma. I'ma. I'ma. I'ma. I'ma. I'm going. I'm goinga. I'm goinga. I'm going tried. I'm going totea. I'm goinga. I'm going totea. totea. I'ma. I'ma. I'm going. I'm going. I'ma. I'ma. I'ma. I'm clearly a dignified kind of guy, that's obvious. I'm speaking with a certain eloquence, I've got certain pals. I just been working on it in the car. Oh right, okay. And they just, and they said you've got to come back that night, so I had to come back, I had to get my passport photos. I like to buy a sandwich, I had enough change for the machine because it was not, it was an absolute nightmare. I began the day. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I the day the day the day the day the day the day the day the day the day the day the day the day the day the day the day the day the day the day the day the day the day. I was I was I was I was, I was, I'm, I was an I was the day. I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. I, I. I, I, I. I, I. I, I, I, I. I. I was an, I was an, I was an, I was an the th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm just, I'm just, I'm th. th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th in a chauffeur-driven car on my way to Los Angeles to discuss business with universal television pictures and I ended the day on the tube in a suit with my luggage stood next to one of the posters advertising this radio show which was just embarrassing because people kept pointing and staring and laughing. It called me, called me, like I said Rick, much, I'll go on, he went, my passport expired, I went, oh so what are you going to do? He went, he said,

what are you going, he said, what are you going to do? He said, what are you going? I said, how old you have to be to know that? He said, when will I know all these things? Yeah. I went, he wo he went, he he went, he he went, he he went, he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he went, he th. He went, he th. He went, he th. He he he he he he he he he he he. He he. He he. He th. He th. He th. He th. He th. He th. He said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said. He said, he said, when will I know all these things? Yeah. When will I know all these things? Steve, I want to just come and hug you. But you know what I mean? Did you know that? Did you genuinely know that your passport expired? I did? Because my passport expires. Because she's alive. Because she's alive. Because she's alive. There is so much stuff that I don't know because I don't to to to to to to to to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just to just to just to just to just to just to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the their their th. I want th. I want th. I want th. I want thi thi the. I want to come I want to come I want to come I want to come to come to come to come I want to come I want to to to to to to street once and you said there were some roadworks and you said they're probably doing those roadworks because it's the end of the financial year and they've got to spend the money. I thought, how do you know that information? Cap to my best tell you? Yeah, exactly.

But I don't talk to cab them, I mean chauffeur. I mean, I put a little to thi's how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how,. Definitely not. Oh you're an idiot, play a record. And I'm also, I'm not old enough yet to be able to say, uh, can I have a plate of his chief? In a pub? I wonder I want to get to that age. No, you're a long way off. Yeah. Another classic there from ISIS, Super Sonic, the thi. Steve Merchant, Claire Sturgis, standing in for Carl. Where is Carl? Where is Carl?

So we've failed to get in touch with him at home. Well, look, he doesn't want to be contacted. Do you think he's listening? He's turned every phone off. He hasn't given XFM his new home phone number. He doesn't want to be contacted. I can't believe he's not listening, to be honest. So you think he's listening there? Yeah he listened he listened in Manchester. If he's not listening he's out and about. I mean has anyone spotted, Carl? What's your message to him, Rick, if he's listening? Call up. Call up all you're fired. Okay. Any bad language you want to use? Obviously you can't really say it. What sort of words? I mean the F word? I'd call him a twat? Call up. A the P word? the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. words I mean the F word would you say? I'd say the F word I'd call him a twat. Would you use the P word? I'm thinking of prick. Prick yeah definitely use that. Not on not on air but I'd call him a stupid little prick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Little little little you stupid little bag of tits I'd say to. I mean, I mean privately. I'm not the thi. You stupid you you stupid you stupid you stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid you you you you you stupid. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. mean privately. What about the MF for it because that's pretty intense, that's pretty hardcore? Do you think that this is not appropriate now? Do you think that would be too extreme? I'm worried if I use that and he was genuinely ill. I'd feel a bit of a... a bit of a... a sea word? Carp? Yeah. I wasn't think of that. Yeah, I wasn't thin. Yeah. I wasn't wasn't wasn't wasn't wasn't. I wasn't. I wasn't. I wasn't. I wasn't. I wasn't. I wasn't. I wasn't. I wasn't. I wasn't. I wasn't. I wasn't. I was that. I was that. I was that. I was that. I was that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that would that would that would that would that would that would that. Do that would that. Do that. Do that would that would that. Do that. I that would that would that would that would that would that would with that before. Meaning penis and we don't mean that. Yeah we don't mean penis.

But if you do, if anyone out there, sorry about that, it was a discussion about bad language, you weren't actually using it. But if any of you out there do see the little twat, get him to call XFM immediately. Yeah and likewise if you're listening, Carl, your cheeky MF. Well you're sexy MF as Prince one said. Give us a ring because we'd love to talk to you. Just call in we know you're listening. Oh shit. Amy man. Red Vines. Brilliant. Lovely track. On XFM 104. 404. to look at your voice Steve merchant. Claire Sturgis in for Carl Pilking. He hasn't called. He may be really ill. I'm feeling a bit. How ill is he though. I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to the to the to to th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. to to to th. to to th. to to to to. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. Give. Give. Give. Give. Give. Give. Give. Give. Give. Give. Give. Give. Give. Give. Give. Give. Give. th. th. the. the. thi. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. to. to. Give. He may be really ill. I'm feeling a bit guilty. Yeah. How

ill is he though? I mean, do you know what I mean? How? How will you have you got a to not be able to make a phone call? Yeah. I find that hard to move. I've got a sore bottom. And I made it in. And I made it in. And I made to see the osteopath yesterday. He put an elbow in it for half an hour. I cried too. Is it, oh they've got detachable elbows for that? Prospectic elbows. Just hold this elbow in there for two hours and yeah. Can't you take that away? You can take that away that. I don't know where we need an elbow about Oliver the Humanzi. For those that didn't watch it, there was a documentary last night about a chimp that was supposedly a human or was half human or my private program ever. For a week, Carl has been saying, it's going to be brilliant. I wish he was here to discuss it.

And he's not here to discuss it sadly. Lee Cranston has emailed in and says, I tho the best part of the Oliver. I thought the best part of the Oliver program was the guy Vincent Pace, the cabfeller at the piano telling how he first met Oliver. Quote, he grabbed his female owner, turned her around and bent her over and went to Mounter. I made her an of alluble by him the next day. Vincent was then shown in a very nostalgic mood playing melancholic music. He obviously wanted some monkey action. He really, that's, I mean it is potentially liable. That's liableness. We, you know, it's a joke there. But we take, I don't take any responsibility for what Lee Cranson says, or indeed the fact that he

quite, he puts at the end, did he want to turn Oliver into a gay pansy? Question mark. That's Lee's thoughts and opinions. He sees that the chimp that chimp that chimp the ch the chimp the chimp the chimp the chimp the chimp. He's the chimp. He's the chimp. He's the chimp. He's the chimp, the chimp, the chimp, the chimp, the chimp, the chimp, the chimp, the chimp, that, he's, he's, he's, the chimp, that's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, I the chim. He's, I the chim. He's, the chint, the chint, the chint, the chint, the chint, the chint, the chint, the chint, the chint, the chint, the chint, the chint, the chint, the chim, the chim, the chim, the chimp, the chimp, the chimp, the the the the the thin, I don't they. thin, I don't thin, I don't the thin, I don't the the thin, I must have that chimps. Oh poor Carl, where is he? As you mentioned earlier, he was very well endowed, apparently I didn't see it myself. It was a big, it was a big boy. A big half boy, a big half chimp. Honestly, Joanne, on XFM, 104.9. Right. I just called Carl again. I've been calling him all the time, trying to get through to him, right? He's changed his message, so he is listening, and I've got proof. So can you just call the number, Claire? Right? Call the something, now listen to this. This is really annoying. We should tell you now that this is not an amusing sketch or set up. No. What's happening there, Claire? Not quite happening for you.

No, no, this is all right. We'll try that again, Claire. I'm livid now. I'm genuinely annoyed because, you'll see, when you hear the message, you'll realize why. Right. Okay. Right. Let's try again. I don't th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho. th. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. th. tho. tho. tho. tho. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tha. tha. tha. tha. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to minor celebrity is going to his head all this nice write-up in in heat magazine yeah it's changed him Richard Anderson

incidentally is he emailed in go on dickers anderson it's not only is it why not because I'm a bit stupid why what what kind I can't work it out can't figure out how would you you call someone normally well normally I just pick up the phone and dial it. Sure no I don't mean but it's like I have a problem getting it through the desk I tell you what can I play an ad break and practice? Pretend this didn't happen and then come back to you. It's like having Carl play the ads. I'll get back to you. A bit a the the the the the the the the their their their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's like. It's like. It's like. I. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. I. I's like like like like. I's like like like like like like like like. I's like like like like like like, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the ads. I'll get back to you. Exeter. Bit of Snoop. Never.

When did a bit of Snoop ever hurt any one, Steve? Absolutely. And then I don't think. Okay. Carl's away. He pulled the wool over Claire's eyes. There's a few people out there that believed he was ill. I knew he is ill. His message on his answer machine has changed in the last five minutes and

listen to it and this is evidence that he's not ill. Right. Okay. Can we go then? Uh, don't we do. Anderson, Richard Anderson, I should just say, has got in touch. Okay. Here we go.

Hold on. Oh, Claire. No, I can do it. Just tell me that. This is ludicrous. Yeah, obviously Richard Anderson, he's so easy he made in his thoughts. Dicky Anders, Randy Anders. You. Dix the, Dix. Dix the general. And he says there's something making, have we got it, Claire? There's something, he says, there's something making strange yelping noises in the thicket at the end of my garden. Shall I go to th. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, there, there, there, there, there, there's there's, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, in the thicket at the end of my garden shall I go and prod it to see if it's car up? I'm not in today but not well on that. No more rock wusters I think that's what's affected me it's got me down a bit so he's joking yeah the doctor said I'll I'll be back swinging on my tire in no time so

so he was listening so he was So he was listening. He's clearly listening. So he was listening because we're about swinging on the side. At any time. Right, Carl, call me. In fact, I'll tell you what, we play a little game. Carl would appreciate this. Call me, Carl, or I'm going to give out your number. What's the first five or six digits, Claire? Well, it's 07968. 0798, okay. Phone now, Carl, start calling now. Right, give the next number, Claire. It's, it's, you said, give the next number. One. Make out of this because if you want to call Carl yourself. O7968 and the first number to be given out is one. He's not ill. How do you feel now Claire because he's made a fall of you because you believed him? I actually felt really sorry for him last night. But now, fast down, I feel a little bit let down.

Right, okay, so we give a number out every five minutes until Kyle calls because we know he's listening now. He's having, he's taking the piss. He's not ill obviously, you he can hear that. He could, he could have been here. He could definitely definitely, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, I. He's, I. He's, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm. He's, I'm. He's, I'm. He's, I'm. He's, I'm. He's, he's, he's, he's, link, so he could have been here, he could definitely call. Are we leaving this message? Is this a message we're still leaving on his phone? Good, good, yeah. Good, yeah. Why don't we leave the rest of the show on his phone?

Yeah, leave it up. He's got to listen through it all so he can delete it. Yeah, exactly. And the other thing of of, of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is th. It is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is. It is. It. It is, is. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It is, is. It is. It is. It is. It is. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He, he, he. He. He. He's, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is the the th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is th of course is that he's not going to get paid for this, so he's thrown away 80 quid. That's 80 pounds. Now in Manchester that's a week's wages so he's obviously been spoiled. So for all his mank charm, he's down here he's living the life of riding. He thinks 80's nothing. He thinks 80's nothing. But there you could be buying yourself at your own horse. Yeah. You could probably. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thinks. thinks. th. th. th. th. th. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He's. He. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's, th. He's th. He's tho. He's tha. He's thoooo. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th And so, you know, sun lamps because it's always dark. Yeah, he could go mental up there. Now, so what, so what's the first few digits we've given out? Oh, seven, nine, six, eight. Yeah. And then, and then one.

Okay, we give out, we'll give out, um, number. So take that down because we love calling him. Should we have a little bit of feed or something? Let me just tell you what Dickers said. He said, Richard Anderson, he also said, P.S. the show still rubbish, still rubbish without Carl. Still rubbish, still rubbish, still rubbish without Carl. Which suggests he thought it might be better with, without Carl? No I think he means it is equally rubbish. Right, brilliant. Thanks, thage, thage, thage, thage, thage, thage, th. It's th. It's th. It's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi. thi. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. th. th. th. th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. So, th. So, th. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thi. thi. thi. He's thi. is equally rubbish. Right. Brilliant. Thanks, Dickers. Thanks Dickers. Yeah, he's nothing. That's Feder. Just the way I'm feeling on XFM. One of four point nine. Wiccash, Javais, Steve Merchant, Claire Sturges. Well, he's defying me.

He's not calling in. That we're going to give out his number and he's not calling in. That's even more annoying. Who do you th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. thi. thi. th. th. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. That's. That's. That's th. That's th. That's th. That's th. That's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. That's th. That's th. That's th. That's th. That's th. That's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. He. He. He. He. He's the. He's theeeeeeeeeateateateateat. He's theateateateat. He's theate. He's theate. He's the. He's the what do you think he is I don't know who he thinks he is I I tell you what he I'll tell you who he is yeah he is a little bold mancunian let's never let you get that I don't know who he thinks he is but there's the fact just Carl call in because you're annoying me and Steve he's been slagging you off well in the the the the week, you know, he was slagging you off. I mean in the week I was joining in and laughing along, but now I'm thinking I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, no, but now I'm thinking that you're more on my side than he is. Thanks very much, Rick, I'm glad to see you've come rain. He said, he said, he was, he was, I was in, in the pub with him, John, with him. John, they. they. they, I. they, I, I, I. they. they. they. they. they. they. he. he. th. he. he. th. he. he. th. th. th. th. th. th. I was, I was, I'm, I'm, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I'm th. I'm th. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going. th. th. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, he went, oh, he went, have you seen men in black too? I went, no, he said, have you drawn? He went, no, he went, oh, there's a thing in it that looks just like Steve. And I went, what? He went, it's a thing, he's got really gangly arms and bulbous eyes, and it just works really fast in the alien's registration thing. And I went, all right, I said, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, th, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's think that? Well, I, I, I, I, I, the reason is that I think the problem I have with it is this,

that if, if I was to say things like that about Carl, I'd destroy him. I'd be a broken man after I'd finished with it. Call in Carl, the thrown, I'm going to get a the, the, to say, that, that, that, thrown, to, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thr-a, thr-a, thr, thr, the, th. th. the, I, I, I, I'm, the, the, I'm, I, I, the, I, the, the reason, the problem, the problem, the problem, the problem, the problem, the maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, I'm, maybe, I'm, maybe, maybe, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I was a co-write was it? I thought he wrote it. Oh wow there you go learning something. Learning something on XFM 104. 104.9. We could you by Steve Merchant Claire. No Carl. Well Carl's annoyed me. He's not playing. He's not ill. Another digit from the number? Yeah just do one digit. Clare. You seriously? Yeah yeah five. So five so one five five. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. So five. Okay. So five. Okay. So five. Okay. So five. Okay. So. to. to. to. to. to. to. the. the. the. the. to. to. the. the. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the the the. to. to. to. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. C. th. th. th. th. the. together. together. together. together. together. th. th. th. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. Okay, great. We'll just keep doing that. But I'll tell you what, the best revenge is living well. Indeed. Why don't we just do a brilliant, remaining 50 minutes of show and show the people that we don't need Carl? High five. Okay, we don't need Carl. Right, let's go. Starting now. Some brilliant stuff. Oh, from that. Yeah, I remember when I was, I remember when I was growing up in Manchester. No, I can't. I, oh, I tell it was funny to me. I tell you, X, X, uh,

um, 2.9. I said, no. I saw a weird thing, I saw what was, you know, um, wearing Leicester Scraraubb was coming through, I saw a hairy Chinese kid. No, I don't, that's it. It was weird because they're not usually airy, are they? E, did I tell you about me, Auntie Flora? Is that supposed to be Manchester? Did I buy Eck as like? Did I tell thee about me Aunt Flora, who shot herself for three hours once. Did I tell you, oh e, I don't... Oh, there was a woman born once...

You have to phone us, we've got nothing! Oh, God, he's so annoying. Oh, trot. What? That's the new one from Blur? Uh, out of time. Only three now. Probably had a sort of a car equivalent. Who sort of thought, well, I can can't be bothered Graham Cox and they're probably at home listening to that exactly playing guitar and they've said well you could play it on you went no I'm

ill yeah I'm ill I'm ill I can hear you playing guitar now no no no I'm have they replaced coxen they haven't replaced him no oh right well they probably will do when they go on tour but I think they haven't replaced him? No. Oh right. Well they probably will do when they go on tour, but I think they aren't actually. I play guitar, I don't know. That's true enough, you're pretty hot on you. So if, on the next... Oh actually, Steve, in answer to your question, for the live dates is one of the blokes from the ex-ver member. Did she interrupt me? I think I'm a fear in th you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I might th. I might th. I might th. I might th. I might th. I might, I might, I might, I might, I might, I might th. I might th. I might th. I might th. I might th. I might thin' the the th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm thi. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm. I'm, I th. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm, I. I. I. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm th. I'm th. I'm a th. I'm a th. I'm a th. I'm a th. I'm a th. I'm a th. I'm a th. I play, I play, I play, I play. I'm th. I play, I play, I play th. I play, I play, I play th. I play, I play, I play, I play, I play, I play, I'm th. I'm the. I'mthink so. I'm a fear in it. I think I was talking. I don't know. You know, I might be mental but I think I was talking. Claire, when's your radio show on? Normally, when do you host a radio show?

Am I allowed to plug it? Yeah, go on. Yeah, go on. Monday, to theirs. Maybe we're coming along and started talking about, to who. I'm just wondering Rick, I'm just wondering, who's listening at that time? I mean, we've got a prime time which everyone is sat at home listening on a Saturday afternoon, Claire, it's one of the best radio slots in the business. No one's going to football matches or shopping or anything like that. No, no, no, no, no.

I want a piece of the action. Yes oh blur, they're all blur. And that's off their new album probably with all the other songs and that. Rick, I was watching TV last night. I just, um, I think it might have been enjoying the monkey show actually, I'm not sure, but there's an advert. And it reminded me of a little crush on the Scottish Widow, because I've often used the platform in the Scottish widow adveit, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, I, I've, I've, I've, their, their, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I'm, I'm many years I've had a big crush on the Scottish widow from the Scottish widow adverts. She's, I just, I just want to say to her, you know, is it because she's sort of mysterious and hooded? Partly that, it's also because I know, I guarantee she's available. Because she's just lost her husband. And I just think it's time to stop grieving. I think it's time it's time I just to to to the time to the time to just to just just just just just time to to the time to the time to to the time thi thi thi thi thi thi thi's just just just just just just just just just just just just just to stop to stop to stop to stop to stop to stop their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thi I just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just, I thi thi, I thi, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just time time time time time time time time time time time ti. I just ti's ti. I just thi's thi's thi, I just th long. I think I want to say to her you're a beautiful lady. And she's probably got a big lump sum. I'm thinking she's probably got a sizable amount of cash. Yeah. She's obviously got a lot of spare time on her hands. Not working

or racing kids because she's wandering across demurlands. Yeah, our kids have probably grown up. I'm thinking it's time to crack or something. I'm think it's or. I or. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm thin th. I'm th. I'm thin thin thin thin thin thin thi thi's probably thi's probably thi's probably thi's probably thi's probably thi's probably thi's probably thi's probably th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I've probably probably probably probably probably th. I's probably probably probably probably probably th. I's probably probably th. I's probably th. I've probably th. I'm probably th. I'm probably th. I'm probably th. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi's probably thi. I'm thi's probably thi's probably thi's probably thi's probably thi's probably got thi's probably got thi's probably got a s. I'm thi's probably got s. I'm thi's probably thi's probably thi's probably thi. I'm thi. I'mthink it's just time to say yes he was a great man. He was a lovely guy. He's gone. It's time to move on. He won't want to see you like this. Still grieving after 25 years? No, he'd want to see her being humped by a big lanky thing with steamed glasses I reckon. I'll be honest with you. He hasn't got much say in the matter. He's dead. He's dead. Don't get nasty. And frankly, she's still not over it. She could be out, she could be in Europe, she could be in Barbados or Hawaii, she could be spending that cash, she could lose the hooded short and maybe slip into a nice bikini. Do you know what? I think she's kept herself in shape. I reckon she's wearing nothing under that. That's what I'm thinking. Dirty, dirty slust. And I'm assuming, I'm assuming as she's as sasshing as a as a as she's as she's as she's assuming, as she's as she's as she's as she's as she's as she's as she's as she's as she's as she's as she's as she's as she's as she's as she's as she's as she's, I'm assuming, as she's, as she's, as she's, as she's, as she's, as she's, as she's, as she's, as she's, as she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. to-a. to-a' to-a' to-a'er, thi. thi. to-a'er. thi. to-a'er. to go. She couldn't wait for the poor bloke to go. He was obviously, I bet he was a little bit thrifty, he's probably got quite a lot stashed away that she's slowly working away through.

Yeah, and I, oh, I want to find out, oh he died. I'm intrigued. Because if I find it's like, oh, there's a little bit, because if there, because, because, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, heat. a roller skate on the top of the stairs. I'm going to reopen the investigation. If it was in any way suspicious, yeah, questions, the husband's dead and she went, oh no, where's the money? Steve Merchants outside. Exactly. Yeah. Built like a donkey. He's built like a ch- he's built like Oliver the chimpanzee. And he wants to get at it. Yes. He's bought his tandem. He's pop on the back. We're going off to the Moors. Yeah, he's got a flight executive class.

His passport is valid. I know that. He knows that. He knows that. He's got another 10 years on the passport. Well, I'll tell you what, the boys from Blur, they don't rock. with a bit of bad company. It's a classic. Turn it up Claire. Bad company. Can't get enough of your love. I'm in a rock mood because Carl's made my blood boil. Really. I might even play a song, you're probably too young, called Spirit of the Radio by Rush. It's sort of like

for rockers, I put in that, it's like the ultimate sort of pomp, uh, rock, progressive pop song ever. It's classic. You can, you can, you might hate it or you'll love it or you listen to it ironically. I love it. Well, you know, I just, I was listening to Led Zeppelin recently, I never really understood the rock phenomenon before, but I just understand it now. It just gets in your blood, it's extraordinary. Crank it up loud and it is just viscural and amazing and I wish I could play the guitar sure do you know what I feel like doing what writing a little sort of him or a ballad I've got to Carl to Carl yeah we've tried threatening him that's not worked give out one more digit we've got half a go because three digits so it's oh what is it oh oh seven nine six eight yeah one nene the ne ne ne the ne ne ne ne the ne next next next next next next the the the the ne the th the th th th th th th the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th tho th tho tho th the the tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. th. th. the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to the the the the the. the. the. th go because they're three digits so it's oh what is it oh oh seven nine six eight yeah one five next digit please seven okay one five I'm making a

note of that you'll be able to phone Carl leave messages tell him what you think of him unless he phones he can stop this at any time by just simply calling here and shoot you you you can just call and he can just call and he can just call and he I always do, when I'm winding him up and I'm slapping his head and I'm sort of like spitting on him and stuff. Eventually he goes, shout to stop it and I go, well you only have to ask. Exactly. So if he calls, I go, you only have to ask. Flaming lips on XFM, 1-4.

What we got through it without Carl? I think so, yeah, I've enjoyed myself. Didn't mention him much to me. I don't think so. I don't think we need him. I always quite enjoy it when he's absination. I know, because we can have a nice chat as opposed to him just going. Yeah. Remember when I had Chinese air and there were old women eating her own legs. I know. the dad thinks. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm thin't thin' th. I'm always th. I'm always th. I'm always th. I'm always th. I'm always th. I'm always th. I'm always th. I'm always th. I'm always th. I'm always th. I'm always th. I'm always always I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I'm always. I's. I'm always. I'm always. I'm always. I'm always. I'm always. I'm always. I'm always th. I'm always th. I'm always th. I'm always th. I'm always th. I'm always th. I'm always that. I'm always th. I'm always th. I'm always th. I'm always. wheelie bin. Yeah, yeah. Clara brings a certain kind of level of class to it, dare I say that, you know. She's enept in her own way. In a one way, yeah, yeah. I mean, there's no one any good working, I mean. No, no, no, no, no, I don't want to give you a no idea. There's no, the only proper, I'm probably, the only proper DJ is probably, I, I, I, I, the, I, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. thin, the, thin, th. She's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's the the the the the the the the the the the only, she's, she's, she's ena, she's ena, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she been, he's nearly 13 now and he's been in the radio 12 and a half years. So he took, they tested him and he's half human, half Vance, which is quite quite a lot of, I think he's got the 48 chromosomes Tommy Vance has got.

Yeah, the makes one Tommy Vance. Yeah, really Vance is a little bit extraance. Yeah, one of those chromosomes is pure Jack Daniels. Yeah, yeah. It's just Jack Daniels. He's just what, he's just not exactly. Two of Jack Daniels. I think you'll find in there as well. Although, I'll tell you what, I share with Camfield a couple of loves. I agree that one of the greatest programs of all time is Colombo. Colombo is brilliant. It is amazing. It is amazing. It is amazing. It is amazing. It is amazing. It is amazing. I. I. I. I th. I th. I th. I is amazing. I is amazing. I is amazing. I is amazing. I is amazing. I is amazing. I is th. I is th. I is th. It's just just just just just just just just just just just th. I is just just just just just thi. I's just tho. It's just tho. It's just is just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just. I' th. I' th. I th. I's. I th. I is just just. I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I' th. I' th. I' th. I' th. I' th. I' thi. I'll thi. I'll thi. I'll just thi. I'll just thi. I'll just thi. I'll just thi. I'll just just just just just thi. I'll just just just thi. I agree that one of the greatest programs of all time is Colombo. Clumbo is brilliant. It is amazing. And they're showing them all, there's so many channels showing them now. I think Granada Plus show them. I think BBC show them. I think I, everyone's got a bit of it. I think he's made 18,000 episodes apparently. Are they still making them though? I think they keep training no they did in the 90s. They're not quite as good but I think the original ones, they're great,

he's got this great character and I share that with him. I do like a bit of rock. Should we play rush? It's a spirit of the radio. I mean we get we get canned by people who like new metal and that and those thrend th trendy th trendy th trendy th trendy th trendy th trendy they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're bands all that, the kids bands and that. But you think this is pure? Yeah, I don't think this would feature in X-ray magazine. We've got some great bands in them. They've got Kalupe, they've got Demp, they've got Flap Nibble coming out with their new single, it's an EP. And Strep, not the late, not the later Strep, the early, the early, the early, the early, the early, the early, the early, the early, the early, the early, thap, thap, thap, thap, thap, thap, thap, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, threve, thre, thre, thre, thre, thre, thre, thre, thre, thre, thre, thre, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thra, thra, thra, thra, thra, thra!,!,!,!,!,!,!,. And, thrape, thrape, threp, threp, threp, threp, thre, thre know that the drummer Kibble, he's gone and he's got his own, he's going for a chat with Christian on the Breakfast Show where you could win a trip to O'Neill's in Camden. This is Rush. Rush and spirit of the radio, everything in that. Let's look quick, let's put every type of music. Okay go reggae the the the thle thle thle tha tha tha tha tha tha tha the tha the the the the the the the thuuuante thuante thuante thuante thuante thuantea. thu. thu. thu. thu. tho tho tho tho tho tho tho thu. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. He's tha. Hea. Hea. He's the. He's the. He's thea. He's thea. He's thea'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'era. He's tha. Let's look quick, let's put every type of music, okay go to reggae into opera, okay opera, go mental now, go mental on the drums, double that, double

the, how many bass drums have you got just the one, go mental on it, right? It is obscene. That is everything in that, isn't it? How long is it? It's like, it's a four and a half minutes? Yeah, how long it's crazy. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, th. Go, th. Go, th. th. th. to, th. to, th. Go, th. Go, th. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, gothat anymore. There's only three of them. I just think of them. Yeah. Just one day in Canada. They just went right. We might, let's make, we're only like one single, so let's put every type of music into that single. It's almost like a Starz on 45 version of music a couple times. Yeah, of every rock. Exactly. Yeah. Good. Are they still go? I don't know. I. I. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I just. I just. I just. I just. I just. I just. Yeah. I just. Yeah. Yeah. th. th. th. I just. Yeah. th. It. It. It. It. It. It. It's just. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's just. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It's. It's. It's just. It's just. It's just. It's just. It's just just just just just. It's just just just. It's just just just. It's just just just just. It's just just just. It's just just just like. It's just just like. It's just just like. It's just just like. It's just. It's like. It's just. It's like. Exactly. Yeah. Pretty good. Are they still going? Do they still play? I don't know. I don't know. I've no idea. But that was for Camfield. There was bad company there in rush for Camfield. Columbo. That was for Camfield as well. The A team. Do you remember once when we were talking about the A team and I was slagging it off on your show in an old XFM. And I was going I I I I I I I I I was going I I I I I I I was going I I I I I was going I I I I I I I was going I was going I I was going I was going I was going I was going I was going I was going I was going I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm that I'm that I'm I'm I'm I'm that I'm that IFM and I was going, I mean I quite like the 18 but it is too,

it's sometimes it's too far-fetched to enjoy without it being ironic or it being for kids and I could hear fuming from outside I could see him going he didn't know who to call he wanted to call Vance or someone or Lemme he didn't know right and then I I said um and if you can't find the you know find the the F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F the F I the F I the F I the F I the F I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th th th th th th th thi thi the the the the the theeeeeeeeeeeeee th. theeeeeeeeeeeee toe. to be to be to be 't find the, you know, find the A-T-M but they outwit the might of the FBI every single week, but an old woman who's having trouble with her landlord can find them. And the door burst open and Canfield, that is because Hannibal sometimes disguises himself as an elderly Chinaman.

And that was his explanation for the whole series. Oh, that was for Canfield. That's th, th, th, th, th, th, the the thi thi their thi their thi, thi, thi, their thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, they, they out, they out, they out, they out, they out, they out, they out, they out, they out, they out, they out, they out, they out, they out, they out, they out, they out, they out, they out, they out, they out they out they out they out they out, they out, they out, they out, they out, their their their their their, their, their, their, their, their their their their outwou-today, their outwou-wou-wou-wit, their outwou-wit, they outwit, they outwit, they outwit, they out, they out, his explanation for the whole series. Oh, that was for Canfield. That's lovely. That's for his 12th birthday, which is coming around soon. Oh, he's 13, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Teenager here. Oh, he's gonna rock, Steve. Indeed. Oh, the phone's going.

Play that, break a the answer. Oh, it might be cold. Wow, here's a bit of a turn-up for the books. Carl Pilkington on the line. Yeah, where you been? I'm off there, aren't I? Right. Okay, what's the matter with you? It's a bit bunged up on that and got the shakes, got that sort of, that shaky

thing to get. Yeah, that's because you didn't eat last time when Suzanne was at work. Yeah, well I think that's what brought it on. Plus she was away in the week and I put some wet jeans on. the wets. I think that's what? I think the what? On the what have you got the maiden what was she doing there? What did you mean? On the maiden that you put clothes on? What? Your clothes horse?

Well yeah. Right okay so you put wet jeans on yeah? That's why I'm ill on that. Right having a good time. I've been watching the football so you're just sitting at home watching the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their. their. their. their. their. their their their their. the maiden. the maiden. the m. the ma. the maiden. the maiden. the maiden. the maiden. the maiden. th. th. I've. I've. I've. I've. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, the the the the to. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. having a good time. I've been watching the football. So you're just sitting at home Washington where you could have been sitting here? Well I would have been better off there because I've got a chair there. I've got no chair at home at the moment. I sold it last week. Why did you sell it? Well you only have one chair? What? What? I thought can't we have one one chair? What? I sold it? I had a little two-seater the chair? I'm the chair. tap one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one chair the chair the chair chair chair chair chair chair chair chair chair chair chair chair chair chair chair chair chair chair chair chair chair chair chair? I'm a the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their. I'm the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I could I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I'm. I'm the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I'm th. I was. I'm th. I'm th. I'm toy. I'm toy. I'm toy. I could. I could. I could to. I could to. I could to. I could to. I could th. I could th. I could th.that. We're not interested in that. We want to know about the chair. I sold it. I had a little two-seater and I sold it because I'm getting a new one but I've got to wait another month. So you've got all sit on the floor forever. So you've got to be on the chair before you had another one. She might know I wanted talk about that next week. Oh you're gonna be in next week? I look forward to that then, that's a dynamite piece of radio to tune in for, the state car sold a chair? Brilliant. All right. So you're all right then? It's going all right? It's going all

all right? It's going all right. It's going all right. We asked you the call since the the beginning? Why is you their phone th. I I I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th th th th th th th th th th th. I th. I th. I th. I that th. I that that the that, their that, that that, their their their th. th. th. th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, I th. Yeah, I th. Yeah, the th. Yeah, I the that, their that, that, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their their their their their that that th and stuff turned it off you turned it off I put a tape in though because even though I'm ill I'm still showing an interest in it we're not if you're watching football and shaking yeah well I'll listen back to it later so I hope you haven't been dissing me no definitely don't listen back to it's not worth but we haven't been dississon you know. Did you watch the monkey programme last night? You told us to watch the monkey programme? We all stayed and watched a monkey programme. All right, wouldn't it? You've rubbed this, wouldn't it? Obviously, obviously not half-chimp, half-human. I mean, they missed out a lot of the interesting bits. They didn't have any interesting bits. Those are the bits that you made up to make it more interesting bits that the bits, th. T. T. T. T, th. T, th. T, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thinks, thinks, thinks, thinks, thinks, thinks, thinks, thinks, thinks, thin, thin, thin, th, th, that, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, the, the, they, they, thin, they, they, they're all all all all all that, that, theyyy, they'''''''''l told you about about three months ago before they decided to make the

programme. Yeah. What were the bits that you came up with? Well, they missed out the bits about, you know, the zoo keeper. Right, there wasn't a zoo keeper. Well, it was, but they left that bit out. Well, okay, fine. They left out. They left, and they left, and they left, they left, they left, they left, they left, they, they, they, the bit, the bit, the bit, the bit, the bit, the bit, th. th. that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that, that that, that, that's that's that's that's that's, that's, that's, that's that's that's that's the bits. the bits. the bits. the bits. the bits. the bits, the bits, the bits, the bits, the bits, the bits, the bits the bits the bits that the bits that that that that that that that that that that that that that that those that did research, they actually went and filmed it, you read it on the internet. Yeah. Yeah. Chatsy Zari, you're the one with the facts wrong. Yeah, they, I think they also left out the bit when it jumped over three double

decker buses on a motorbike. Yeah. Evil can evils motorbike? Yeah. So I can't believe it, I cannot believe it. Not only do you not bother turning up, but you turn off the radio and start watching football. Yeah, I turned it off, but I've recorded it, I'll listen back later and sort of. I like to keep it in shape and that. I'll have a word next week. If you receive any phone calls from people you don't know, we don't know anything about that. We don't know why that is happening. That is just going to be a weird spooky thing. And don't bother telling the story about

Men in Black 2 either because I don't think people would be interested. Actually on the subject of Men in Black too. What? Have you seen that Steve? No I haven't, can't tell me about it? Oh, you should see it. Go on? Why why th I I I I I I I I I I I I th th th th. th th th th. Why? Because is this thing in it? Go on. What a stupid bold Mancunian tosser? No, it's weird than that. There isn't anything weirder than that. Here guys, it was gangly. Keep talking. And uh, you've got to see it because you wouldn't believe out the likeness of that. You don't want you to get a show them out tonight. Right. It's not as weird, I had a normal voice. All right.

He's done you and it's not even here. I'll tell you what, mate, it ain't worth coming in next week. Oh, stay on the line Carl, playing record Claire. Kings of Leon, Molly's Chambers. What do you think of that, Carl? All right. There's a surprise. Oh, I don't like to say-all right. Steve is not a fan now.

Not only does he know you've been slagging him off behind his back. I wasn't slagging you off. It could be your brother. I know the fact that it makes it worse, but he's thinking you're going to go, oh he wasn't slugging me off, it does look like me. I do think I'm an alien. I love the fact that you hope Steve will go, it's got a point. It's the, it's a, no, it's a spitting image. Yeah. I am, seriously, Carl, I'm really angry. I'm so angry with you at the moment. You haven't seen it yet? No, I know, because I know what it's going to be, and I'm just...

Why? I tell you why I'm angry, because he doesn't do it in jest. Never, but what do you think it's. and you looked like the Human Z. Well, I mean to be honest you did a bit Carl you walk like him, you're bold like him, you got a sort of gormless face like him. Any more? I'm not well on that. Oh, you're not well. What exactly is wrong with you, you winger? Well, it's just, do you know like I always say about the restless leg syndrome I've got flying out of it all over? So you're just shaking around the house?

What do you look like, Elvis? What are you doing, you're shaking around the house? I'll tell you're bodha! You're probably like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like the the thing thing thing thing thing thing thing thing thing thing thing thing thing thing thing thing the house? I tell you're probably like an enormous vibrator. Ah ha ha ha ha! That's what you probably look like if you're stripped naked. Oh, you'll have a Scottish widow coming round. Oh, dear. That's, what's the name by the way?

I heard you talk about that. That's, um... Amanda Lamb. Amanda Lam who's in the play from the Sun program. Is she actually a widow? Is she a Scottish widow? Huts man, my husband's dead. Do I want any money and a bit of my clam? Brilliant. All right. That's the sort of quality you've missed out on today. Well anyway, you're going to be back next week. Yeah. Well, how do you know? Also, how did you know you're going to be back next week. I don't, we need you back next week. Yeah. How do you know? How did you know you were going to be ill today?

Because you phoned and arranged this yesterday. And I spoke to you yesterday and you didn't sound very ill. You've got a bit of a bunged up nose. Eh, I have a bit of a. Sorting out does not mean you phone up Sturgis and send her down. That's not sorting it out, that's making things worse. Have you learned nothing? If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. Yeah.

Oh, my legs a little bit achy. Oh, I'm wearing wet jeans on the gun. I have on me, on me this sign you wasn't frozen. Can you hear the venom and hatred in our voices today? We're genuinely are upset and angry with you. Yeah, can't believe it. I cannot believe that you, I mean, oh. Right, well the thing is, we'll be back to normal next week, right. We've got billy the film doing the film next week. Right. Any prizes? Got some good stuff. Have you got any films with Bert Reynolds in to give away on VHS? Well, I'll see you then. Great. We're looking forward to it already. I'll see you later. All right. See you later.

Hot, hot, heat, bandages, XFN. We're off, isn't it? That's it? that's it? Yeah, thanks, Claire. told. to