The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Xfm S2E31 (March 22, 2003)

Episode Date: September 4, 2022

With the second series of ‘’The Office’’ complete, Gervais, Merchant, and Pilkington returned to XFM in August of 2002 to resume their 2-hour Saturday afternoon broadcasts. Though Pilkington’s name was still not being used in promotional materials, the format mainly centered on his contributions with Gervais and Merchant mostly reacting to the various things Karl said and did, a format that would endure through the remainder of the radio broadcasts and podcasts, concluding in 2012.This was the longest stretch of XFM shows, running 51 weeks until August 2003 when Gervais and Merchant again went on hiatus, this time to record the Christmas Special (finale) for ‘’The Office’’.During the year, Pilkington introduced many of the show’s most notable segments including “ Monkey News”, “Rockbusters”, “Songs of Phrase”, and “The Film Thing”, among others. Karl grew increasingly frustrated with Ricky’s antagonism toward him throughout the year, and over the final few shows, suggested he did not want to continue on. Gervais and Merchant repeatedly said on air they would not return if Pilkington didn’t agree to remain with the show.

Bob Dylan, the times they are a change in. The thing is Rick, it makes me wonder if the times are they changing, I mean it seems to me that life's pretty much the same as it was way back in the 60s when Bob Dylan wrote that song. You've got any idea whatsoever? You don't really know about politics here. No anything about it. Don't even read the papers, got no interest really. Not particularly, informed my life life, thia. thia. thiii. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. thi, th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. It is thi. thi. thiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. thiiiiiii. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, thi. Don't even read the papers, got no interest really. Not particularly, but you've been informed my life's kushty. I got one some awards and stuff, doesn't bother me. So, unless everyone...

It is a bit worrying. What? What? Do I want to put on my own. Do you, do I have going to play. You see, you would worry about it. I would worry about it. Well you, maybe Steve. Why? Sort of people who were successful are worrying about it more than other people. Just because they've got more more to lose, aren't they? Right. No, do you know what I mean? You see like Bruce Willis

on the tele, saying oh it's not good is it? And it's because he's got a big house and loads of cars. If you live, you know, on a council estate it's like well if it gets bombed, probably doing us all our favor we'll get nice new blocks of flats for living and that. It happened with the bomb that happened and the bomb the Arndale Centre did us a favour. Got a nice new marks and spences and that. So this, hold on, this puts a whole new twist of the argument when people say bomb in the world's poorest countries is wrong. Because I remember when the Afghan problem was on people saying bomb in the world's poorest country is wrong but this like home improvement according to you then. Yeah th th th th th th th th th th that that that that that that that that that that that th th th that th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th that that that that that that that that that that o' thoom thoom thoom. So tho tho tho th. So th. So th. So th. So th. So th. So th. So th. So th. So th. So th. So th. So th. So th. So th is th is that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th like home improvement according to you then yeah because they've got a brand new being queue have they over now and they're popping down there every Sunday let's not go on about it yes well

think what you're saying yeah I know my family was killed but look a carpet wear hoarhouse yeah do you know I think you know people don't want to wear you know the features, the songs of phrase? What songs of phrase? It's a feature we started last week, where we take clips of songs, we make up a phrase from the show. I mean a famous phrase, last week's world famous phrase was there's this airy Chinese kid, you'll remember? Well it was called crosswords last week, but Phil emailed in a good suggestion. He said call it songs of phrase. Brilliant. Songs of phrase. Songs of phrase, but perfect.

Are we still going with Cheapest Chimps? We're persevering with that, aren't we? Got some cheapest chimed up. We'll be doing that before 3 o'clock. Yeah, great. Again, who else can say that? So for the next two hours everyone should just bury their head in the sand, ignore the world's problems and enjoy features such as cheapest chimps and songs of phrase. And a better cheering breaks. Oh, class. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Trying to stop suddenly in Italy. T.B. Trying to stop suddenly in Italy, TB, turing breaks. It's like a rockbuster, Carl. Have the good old days? I know, yeah. Painkiller on XFM 104. But look, rockbusters is gone. Forget rockbusters. Long live songs of phrase. Over to you, Carl. All right, well... You know rockbusters was one of the things they were protesting about next, last time.

That was why I just had to listen to them. They just kept stopping me in the street as I was trying to get to the tube. You've got to stopthe good old line of about you never see an old man eating a twix sure how long is that? No you'll never see an old man eating a twix. You'll never see an old man eating a twix? It's not as many. It's not as many. Well how's inthough. It's not that many. Well, how's it not that many? Well, first of all, anyway, don't worry about that. I think there's about five, I think. I'm going to make. Oh, God. Why do we leave them alone to do this? I don't understand. I mean, it's like, I'll the chocolate. Ah, this is rubbish, we're not doing it, we're not doing it.

We're not doing it. No, you've got to be punished. We're not doing this. Do it's right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, we're not doing it. So what? You're right. It's not a one of the face, it's ridiculous. It's absolutely pointless. If only his parents had spoken like that to him sometimes in the past, you know, we would be in this discussion there.

Oh, come on. No, we're not doing it. Steve, what do you think? I'll tell you, we've got the prizes, but I'm not even going to bother you. I'm not even for this week. No, let's play a beautiful song. What do you think? I love to your great song. Yeah, the times there are a change and we've said that. Look at Mother Nature on the Run. Look at Mother Nature on the Run, play it the most beautiful poignant songs ever.

I think the 1970s, Rick, I'm beginning to wonder if that's just as truthful nowadays in the year 2003. I've told you before, you've got no idea idea you don't know anything about the world or politics so I don't know why you persist. I don't know why I keep saying to myself Rick I'm a political incompetent I don't know why I keep spouting on with this drivel. Right. It's the Guardian I think that's doing it to me.

It's all second hand information I just read it in there and I just think I'm a good idea. exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly I they. I they. I they. I they. I'm a good. I'm a good. I'm a good. I'm a good. I'm a good. I'm a good. I don't. I'm. I'm. I don't their I don't their I don't their I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I don't. I don't. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't. I don't. I don't. I keep going to pass off. Don't really care about anything in the world where I haven't... Exactly! Unless I'm personally affected by these things, I don't care less. Well, I'm the same. Now, Carl, the big question, as we know at the moment, is whether we're going to let you do songs of phrase or not? Rick, I should tell you now, there has been a flood of... Oh no, there hasn't. Sorry, I was thinking there'd been a flood of emails, but it was people agreeing with you, Rick. I know, I know Tony Blair has been trying to get through.

Yeah, exactly. I was just checking the emails, no, there's absolutely nothing supporting you, Carl, there was no one gives us a thrown. No one was a tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, tho, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, there, thi, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, people, people, people, there, people, people, people, people, there, there, there, there, people, there, there, there's not fair, there were a couple of phone calls weren't there. One was the guy saying you should, I think the other one was you, Carl, was it phoning from the kitchen? Can we do it? Can we do it? No. If you don't like it, you won't do it? But, but I don't know what you've substituted twix for. Okay, I mean, I've got to say now, I'm going to sit on the fence, so I'm quite intrigued. Okay, right, what have you substituted twiks for?

Well, you can't tell you. Because you can't. Because people have to listen to know what the word is, they have to tell what the song is or the artist. I prefer just to play it. No! You've got to tell them what is because they might not even know what word they're looking for. I think you should just, let's hear him out, Rick. Please, democracy, that's what we're fighting for. Come on. to turn to the up. Right. Right you never see an old man eating a Twix. Right, and we're trying to identify the... well, a number of songs which you've used to make up that phrase. And you email in XFM.C.C.Uk.S. thrash, Riky, with as many as you can get, and whoever gets the most right, and when it's so complicated. It is so complicated. It is so... the, well. the, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, th. It, well, well, th. It's, well, well, th. It's, well, well, well, well, well, the, well, the, th. It's so, th. It's so, the, well, well, well, the, the, the, the, the, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, a. A. A. A. A. A, a. A, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a. A. A. Well, a. Well, a. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, a. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. Number. A. A. Number. A. A. Number. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. the email address again? XFM.co.uk.Rk.Rkie. Right. And there's some link on there is there? Yeah, that you just press

and it comes through, listen. Right, here we go then, right? Oh, I missed a little bit at the end. Let's hear it again. Let's hear it again. Let's hear it again. And you'll never see an old man. Oh my god. So, that's right. So, how many songs were there? Oh, no, oh, God. Okay. So, we'd say the prizes, Steve. Right, so how many songs were there? Do we know? I think it was six.

You think there was six. And you'll never see an old man eat. I'm not, oh it might be five. Five or six. Anyway, one email in the answers and how many there were. And you might be in with a chance of winning. On DVD, the original series of Citizen Smith with Robert Dinsy that was good. Paul Whitehouse's happiness, the first series of that on DVD. We've also got a couple of CDs here. The Best of Britpop Live Forever, Oasis Blur, Radiohead and all the rest of them on there. Supergrass is a current album as well. I think it's a current album, yeah

is. And, okay. Less convinced by this. If I know you'll be rushing out later Rick to buy this Scotland Rocks a compilation of is wet wet on there let's see what about this what happened to best let me see I'm not I tell you it doesn't I mean we've got gun on there oh yeah oh baby lately the Aztec camera yeah yeah a big country obviously a pro-cares a the okay waver a minute where they are there they they are and the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they I they I they I they I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tap I tape is I toy toy toy toy tttoy toy toy toy ttoy toy toy toy toy ttoy a minute, wait a minute, where's Run Rick? There they are. There they are. And obviously Rafferty Baker Street, Do Do Do Do Do Do, D'liloo. Brilliant.

So that's definitely worth entering for surely. So XFM. dot at UK, forward. Oh, I see an old man. It's a tomorrow. Bye, baa. Class. Well done. All right. Yeah.

All right, that makes it. Oasis, stop crying your heart out on XFM 104. I'm Ricky Joveys with me, Stephen Merchant and Carl Pilkington. Carl's competition is in full swing now. I just will remind you when playing songs of phrase and trying to guess the songs and artists. What do you want? Songs are artists. I think songs is... Yeah. All right. But that's ambiguous isn't it what a song title is? Yeah, I think it should be artists. Definitely. Maybe the artist that cleans it up really? Yeah? Artists. Artists. Okay, you know if they know what it is because that would stop any ambiguity won it? And don't worry if you haven't got all of them because the winner last week didn't have all of them, but it's the closest one.

I understand when you're trying to guess what's in Carl's minds, you can only get so close. Do you know what I mean? He wants us to bring in Darren Brown. He goes because he won't be able to read my mind. And I think he's right. I think he's the one person that could out of wit. Brown. Now moving on Carl. Well now should we just play it very quickly? Just play again. Just if you're okay to want to join it. Go on and one more time. Here it's songs of phrase. I do never see an old man. It's a month. Because you have to get, you know, it is very difficult so you know, song or artist. We give points if you're close to any of those and we choose a winner so we do... And what the points mean?

Crap prizes. XFM. XFM. X.S.M. dot. S. RKK. RKK. Now, we got people to send in a little thing for you last week, didn't it?

The film Freaks. You got a few sent in, you watched it, did you? Now I should just point out that the film freaks, for those that don't know was a movie that was released I think in the, well actually it was originally made in 1932, something like that and then it was delayed, it was banned for many many years because it did in actual fact feature for what have a better phrase real-life freaks yeah bearded ladies being one of the more kind of familiar ones guy without arms and legs and all sorts and it was actually quite a it's quite a tender film isn't it and actually portrays them as a kind of dysfunctional family it's not it's not exploitative in that sense but

what do you make of it Carl we're watching it for the freaks yeah yeah I mean? Yeah. I mean, I wish it does take a while to get onto it. What do you mean? Well, straight away I was disappointed, right? Because at the start, like you put it in, it's like, oh, brilliant. There you go, you know, I said to Suzanne, we'll watch this watch some freaks. So put it on and it starts off and it's like you know the following film you think oh it's like following films rated 15 which means you know might contain scenes of violence bad language and sex mentioned nothing about pinheads right so I thought they missed a trick there yeah so I thought well let's go there and what exactly is a pinhead oh if you've

seen it you know. Okay. Right, so not the best thing in it either. So imagine that. Okay, so you're watching it. So sat there, I think, right, something comes on. And the little fellow's on there, the little fellow we were talking about, the pillow man. is a fella who years ago he's got no arms and legs. Right.

You just just roll it? Yeah. And there's a scene where you see him sort of rolling a cigarette up just using his mouth and it's like he likes it and stuff. And that's weird. And then, what else is on it? It's like, it's expensive growth. And then there's a little, little feller on it, who is fed up because he looks five but but it, th.? th but it, but it, but it, th but it, but it, th but it, th but it, th but he's, th but he's, th but he's, th but he's, th but he's, th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, just, just, just, thi, thi, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just, just just, just, just, just, just, just, just, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It, th. It, th. It's, th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thiiiiiiii. thiiiiiiiiii. there's a there's a thi. there's a thi. thi. then there's a little little fella on it who is fed up because he looks five but

he's actually 34. Right? But there's a woman who is 42 and looked eight. So they both had the opposite thing. They were both really fed up. And I kind of thought that shows that you always want what someone else has got. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So in a way there's a story there in that. No you described the same there? No no no it was like... No they both

as you just said they they both looked young but they are actually both older. No no no this was like a little man yeah who was 35 and looked 8 and so did she? No well the other way around then. What? So she was an 8 year old that looked 35? Yeah. Oh maybe not then. Anyway, no.

But that wasn't that weird. I kind of thought it's a slow start and that. And then, uh... It's not a difficult film before that. Yeah, but I wasn't really listening to what it's all about just looking at what they are. They had like a fella who's running about on just... Look what they had like he was shopping? You know, they had a fella with no legs and he's running about on his hands and sort of got about on a skateboard talking to someone about it.

They said that's how ET was done. There's actually a little fella in ET who's just half of sort of half a body. Is that true? I've no idea. I've never heard that before. Why haven't we heard that before? I've never heard that before? I don't think he was fitting ET. Because it's got no, because where's the head? He's got no neck, it's a fellow with no legs in ET? In ET they had two two fellas right? I think they had a little midget fella who did it and then I think he was off sick and they were like oh you know what else were you going to do? He might have saw a guy on a skateboard going by and said, do you fancy some work? Right. And he's done it. I think someone told me. the it might be wrong. It might be wrong, it might be, he might, I mean you've never been wrong before,

so I don't know why he'd be wrong there. So what's the worst thing in it? Now it's intriguing to me because here's a film called Freaks featuring real life freaks and you're sort of a bit non-plus by it? Just because it wasn't, because it, because it wasn't, because it wasn't, because it wasn't, because it wasn't, because it wasn't, because it wasn't, because it wasn't, because it wasn't, because it wasn't, because it wasn't, because it wasn't, because it wasn't, because it wasn't, because it's, because it's, because it's built, because it's built, because, because, because, because, because, because it make sure that there's some good stuff on there yeah what we disappointed about was it that because there was a few things on it right there was a woman who said she was half man half woman and it's like well you're not are you it was just like she had some makeup on the thought well that's rubbish and then there was a woman who could eat using a feet that isn't that that that isn't that th th th is th is th is th is th is the the the the th is the th is their their their th is their th is their th is th is th is th is their the the the. the. the is the is the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the is the was the was the was the was the was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was there was the the the the the is a the is a the is a the is a theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee is a there was a the is a there was a the is a th feet. That isn't that freaky. Do you know what I mean? She's not hungry, she looks normal. And that's when I was thinking, I mean I'm not being, right Steve, you know I'm not being funny. Oh here we go. No, no, but I'm just saying if that woman wasn't eating and you were sat next to her in that film, yeah, I'd probably be sort

of you more than a... I'm not... I know you hate me saying it, but there's no point sort of pretending. Do you know what I mean? Wait, mutley! What are you sniggering about? That? That... What, you mean there were things That, that, that face.

What you mean there were things in it that were less... What are you saying? I'm just saying... Play a record. Seriously, I'll slap you, I'm gonna slap you live on air. Yeah, but you always go. I'm gonna slap you live on air. I swear to you.

I'll play a song. Keep the finger up. Keep the finger up. Go on. Go on. Oh, no. Oh, boy. It's so melancho-that one. I lovedue.

that one. Wow. So Freaks then. All in all. Bruce Briggs. Bruce Brink. thanks. Wow.

So freaks Fre Fre Fre Fre Fre Fre Fre Fre Fre Fre Fre Fre Fre Fre Fre Fre Fre. Springsteen, Atlantic City from the album Nebraska. It's so melancholy that one. I love that one. Wow. So freaks then? All in all, not as amazing as you first hoped. It was built up too much. Really? It's like fighting films. Is that my fault for getting you excited?

I can't believe it. I hand you this thing on a plate. I'm not, I'm not being out of order Steve, I'm just being honest, we've always said that about this show, we only talk about stuff, you know, that, you know, being honest and that. Yeah, sure. And I've always said the first time I saw you. Sure, no, no, no, you've always been honest. I've always said that you know you've got the few people because you look stupid as well. Well, you know.

Yeah. No, but the car was being nice then. You don't, you don't, you don't. I'm just saying you're a good bloke and now I've got to know you. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The first time it was weird and that and then weeks go by and the weird thing is I kind of thought maybe he's not that odd looking yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and and then you went to LA for three weeks sure and when you came back it was like the first time again right yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah everyone's to the. No but I just think I'm a little bit more consistent because I've always thought you're an idiot no no I just I just I don't I don I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't just I just I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I just I just I don't I just I just I just I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't don't don't don't don't don't don't I don't don't don't think I don't think I don't think I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't th you I don't th I don't I don't I don't I don't just you know I'm not I mean my opinion is never changed I've always thought you're at you're in

no no it's just all nice that's the let's look Peace shut fat so Peace not what he's just such a stirrer isn't he? No no he loves it I don't think I didn't see you whispering behind the microphone about what to say to call what I've just drawn Carl subconsciously. Yeah let's see I do a picture a picture. the picture. the picture. the picture. the picture. the picture. the picture. the picture. the picture. the picture. th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. I don't th. I don't th. I don't th. I don't thi. I don't th. I th. I's just th. I's just that's just that's just that's just that's just that's just that's just that's just that's just that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. I's th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. No. I'm th. No. No. I'm th. I'm just th. No. I'm just th. I'm just th. I'm just thi. I'm just thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi's just that's just thi. that's just that's just thi. I's just to Carl? I've just drawn Carl subconsciously. Yeah. Let's see. I do a picture of him, it's something that we're going to be on the website. It's not being on the website. No, it's going to be. I drew a little cartoon of him. No, not yours. I drew when I drew a little Carl. Um, right, okay. Uh, what are we talking and done with it was all right if you want to get it out in video you know it's probably worth a look it's a couple of things on there that get you thinking more you know it's like how their life is and stuff do you know now it's affected and like the little pillowman or the feller who's got

half of his body missing yeah you know it's stuff like that you think but what's the one that would disappoint you said it was a half man half woman? Yeah I don't quite understand that one. Do you mean Hamaphrodite or half I can't remember it? Do you mean it was one sort of like it had bits of both? It was just like a half and faced on the other side had it changed? I love the idea that you go to this circus and there's people in there that have been sort of persecuted all their life and they think well maybe I can't make some money and then you boo them because they're not freakish enough. I love the idea they got boo, you're not freakish enough, boo! Oh you've got bits of legs, boo! Oh you know! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, th! Oh, th! Oh, th! Oh, th! Oh, th! Oh, th! Oh, th! Oh, th! Oh, th! Oh, th! Oh, tho, tho, th! Oh, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thi thi, tho, that, that, that, that, thoooooooooooooooooooo, the, thooo, tho, tho, their there was, I mean, talking about that, you see, why did they get joined the circus and that? Because there are things they can do. I was telling you in the week that I was reading

something on some news website about some sort of Olympic style games where they're going to see like disabled people against stable bodies. Right. Let's be careful there, shall we? No, I'm just saying though. Do you know what I mean? So there is other things. It doesn't mean just because you haven't got legs you can't do other stuff. And in this race there's like disabled people who are being able-bodied people. Yeah.

What? What? What? ? Would, would you? Would, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, the, th? Is, th, th, th, the, th, the, th, th, th, the, th, th, the, th, th, the, th, the, th, th, th, th, th, that, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they they they're, they're, thi, that, that, that, that, they that, they're, that, they're, that, they're, that, that, that, that, thi, thi,? They're beating them at what? He didn't state what the little races were in that. Little races. Is that Elkham's off? They're disabled with their little races. Oh dear.

Oh dear. Would you go? When you go on? Um, watch that? Do you remember when Jimmy thought that Paralympics stood for Paraplegic Olympics? The Paralympics? Yeah, it means Paralygic Olympics. He thought it meant for Paralegic, Paraplegic Olympics.

That would be a good site, wouldn't it? Mainly blow football. Right. Right. So, what was that thing I told you to look up in the week? You were saying, I don't believe you were going, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, tho, tho, thola, thola, thola, tholipy, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th I told you to look up in the week? You were saying, I don't believe you, we're going on about, um, we were talking about the half-man, half-woman. And you were saying... You can get, you can get a sex change on the NHS just to see what you say about that. Did you look it up? I didn't, because I think it was wasting me time. I don't thah- I don't thah- I don't thah- I don't tha- I don't tha- I'm tha- I'm tha- I'm thin thin't th. I'm thin't th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. thin't that- I don't th. th. th-I-I-a-a-a-a-a-I-I-I-I-I-I- I that that that that that. that. that. that. that. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I don't th. I don't th. I don't th. I don't th. I don't th. I don't th. I don't th. I don't time. I don't think you can have not done. Little...

Play records, you annoy me now. But you wouldn't do that. You do... Is the other thing you were talking about? You've annoyed Steve on air. I'm sorry about that. Well, it's just too late, Carl. But we were talking about other stuff as well, I mean, you know, talking about talk, you're talk, talk, you're talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, you're talk, talk, you're talk, talk, you're tha, you're than, you're than, you're than, you're tho, you're tho, you're thi, you're thi, you're tho, you're to to to to, you wouldn't, you wouldn't, you're to, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you to, you to, you to, you to, you to, you to, you thi, you thi, you're, you're thi, you're thi, you're thi, you wouldn't, you wouldn't, you wouldn't, you wouldn't, you wouldn't, you wouldn't tho, you wouldn't thooooo' wouldn't thoooo' wouldn't thooo'. to to wouldn't, you wouldn't, you wouldn't, you wouldn saying, you know, can you have a sex change done on the NHS and that? No, you can. Well, you say you can. I think that's a bit, it's not that important to have done, I don't think. Well, it depends if you desperately want it. It

depends if you feel that you're born actually a different sex. Right. And then you went on to say there's other things that are done. Get, get, get, get, get, get, get, get, get, get, get, get, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, that's thi, thi, thi, thi, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, I that, I that, I that, there's other things that are done. Get this Steve, someone, if they want, if the cat's got a bad liver, kidney. All right, bad kidney, can have it done for five grand. Yeah, you can have a cat, a kidney operation. But what's wrong with that? If you've got five grand you want to waste it on a cat, then fine. Get another one. We went through loads. We went through loads of cats. I've thoed thoed thoed th. tho, th. their th. th. their not worth it and there's no cat that is that amazing that you go gonna miss that one it's never gonna be the same because what do you mean what would it have to be able to do to be worth it well it's normally to do with people's affection for their cat they've had the pet for many years what do you mean it should be able to impressions and to do impressions do impressions do impressions th what the impression the impression th what their their to to their to to their to to the the to the the to be a to be a the the impression to be a to be a the the impression is a to be a to be a to be a to be a woman is he's not happy right he doesn't

want this the back he's got he's got a knob in a test a couple of testicles that he does not want right he wants a lovely pair of tits and a minge right and he finds out that he gets a cut price he gets you know a cut price sort of operation a dodgy back street trans sexual maker right? Five grand. Knock down price five grand. It's done with a it's done with a blunt knife and and some chloroform right but... But why have you got it all done? What? You mean just like have the knob trimmed and wear a bra? Well yeah I mean are you saying if you have it all done you get some sort of offer

if you give them some... No, no I was being flippant I'm saying I was trying to get down to five grand. Supposing there was a fellow, he had five grand to give away, right? Some old woman with her cat is going to die, or some fella who wants to be a cat, or some fella who wants to be a woman yeah and there's a woman who's got an ill cat. Yeah. You see I'd be annoyed it uses this five grand is this my savings or? No just you get given you get given five grand and you go but you've got to give it to a charity of a choice. And it's got to be one of them. You give them five grand. I'd find out what the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat the cat that's th. the cat that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's got that's got that's got that's got that's got that's got that's got that's got that's got that's got that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. th. th. th. th. the th. the the that. the the th. that. that. I that. the. I that. I's got that. I that's got that's got that's got to be one of them. You'd even find out what I'd do. What? Find out what the cat looks like, get a replacement, right? Say it's had the op. She's loving it, thinking it's happy again. Give the fellow the money.

Right? Do you know what I mean? Well so you're basically saying that you'd rather have the bloke have his knob cut off and stuff. I'd have to have a chat with him first and say, what's your problem? And so why do you need this doing and... I think they go through that. I think they go to counseling and live with a woman for... Like a second opinion thing, have got loads of money, right? And it's like, well, five grand, it's nothing. Well, I think this debate of Ray John. Should we play a record and come back to this?

Think about it, though. Yeah. A bit of white stripes. No. Perceibo. Bitter End on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Javais with me Steve Merchant and Carl Pilkington. Carl, you're looking all flustered and confused again. Still don't get it. What don't you get? Well, that's a long list Rick. Yeah. The, uh, you know, if you have you...

Knock off. Yeah. It's because they feel like they're actually born a woman and this they're not living right they can't live properly with all the these things you know well I mean there there are people that are genetically the the other gender they've just grown you know there was one woman actually was a man she She had Y chromosomes, etc. But this is something different. This is both psychological and everything else. Well sometimes it's that thing again, isn't it?

You can't always have what you want. It's like I'd like to have air. Do you know what I mean? But it's a bit easier, you can't go around really, well you can put on, you know, false rests and tap it in. That's just it as well, isn't it, you see? You say you could have the operation done and that. And yeah, you might sort of feel as free as a woman down below and that. But at the end of the day, you still look like a fella. Yeah, it's a bra and a split tennis ball. No. They're just like Aunt Nora. Do you know what th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. the the the their. their. their. their their their their their their their their thooo. the. we just like Aunt Nora. Do you know what I mean though? Well, yeah, but it's about their outward appearance as well and how they feel publicly.

Don't forget a transsexual, it's not a transvestite. This isn't just a builder in a dress. They have the hormone replacement as well, so they get estrogen. So they're, you know what I mean? They're, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they, they, they, they, they, they're, their, their, they're, they're, they're, they're, their, their, their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're about, they're about, they're faceless if and they they don't go bald they're slight and they they you know I mean that it's the they're the real thing a transsexual is now the real thing biologically and politically and but they still be a man won't they well it'd be embarrassing if they don't tell their new partner and there's pictures of them you know down the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their they're they're their they're they're their new partner and there's pictures of them you know down the club when they were 24 but you probably sort of go over that don't you? They go just a fellow with a beard drinking the yard of ale that was me. Well interesting story. Probably should have told you this before the honeymoon.

Do you know what I mean? It's like you can have all that done right? This stuff you know you can have like like done, right? You can have like false teeth, but you know that when you see an old person with a good set of teeth, it's like, well they're false. There's no way you've got good teeth like that if you playing football and then the pictures stop at 20 before you met her and she goes and she shows you a nice pair of bollocks in a jar she goes they were mine. Well first thing is he'd take back the gloves you bought her last week. Would you go oh I can't go out with you now or would you say well you're the same person? I've blown his mind. I really have freaked

it out there. She is into sport. Should we play a record while you give her a call? No. But what I'm saying is it right it doesn't matter what you have done we can wrap this up here because I've got it sorted right? Okay. Doesn't matter what you have done at the end of day it's obvious that you've had it done. If you're a fella and you're a. I I I I I th freak th freak th freak th freak th freak th freak th freak th freak th freak th freak th freak th freak and freaked. I've a freak. I've a freak. I've a freak. I've freaked. I've freaked. I've freaked. I've freaked. I've freaked. I've freaked. I've freaked. I've have freaked. I've freaked. I've freaked. I've freaked. I've that. I've have freaked. I've have freaked. I've have freaked. I've have freaked. I've have freaked. I have freaked. I have that. I have that. I have that. I have that. I have that. I have that. I have that. I have that. I have that. I have that. I have that. I have that. I have that. I have a. I've a. I've a. I've a. this up here because I've got it sorted right okay doesn't matter what you have done at the end of the day it's obvious that you've had it done if if you're a fella and you've been changed to a woman I could spot you right if you can't know I was at Suzanne's mom and to the off license yeah and I went in there never seen this fella before right soon as a walk in I him up behind the counter, I go, all right, mate.

Oh hello? I noticed he's got a wig on, right? Yeah. Now, it was, I kind of looked and I thought, yeah, it's a wig, whatever. And then I thought, I wonder if it is. And as I got to the till, he said, that, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, he, that, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he's, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I noticed, I noticed, I noticed, I noticed, I'd, I noticed, I noticed, I noticed, I noticed, I noticed, I noticed, I noticed, I noticed, I noticed, I noticed, I noticed, I'd. I'd. I'd. I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd. I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd. I'd. the. the, I'd. I'd, I'd. I'd. the. I'd, I'd. He's, I's, I'd. He's the. He's the. the the the the the the the the the th th th he. he. he. he. he. he. to to to to to to to to to to to the to the to the the the the the to the till... Were you buying Susanna gift? As he turned to the till and he did that sort of angle, you got the profile, you see the bit sticking out at the back, you go, that's a wig. I know what you mean. I know what you mean. It's like a little, it just, the last inch just lifts away from the net. Yeah. Everybody who goes in the the the the the the the the the the the the the the last. It the last. It just the last. It just the last. It just the last. It's the last. It's the last. It's just the last. It's just the last. It's just just the last. It's just the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last. It's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's the last. It's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just. It's just. It's just. It's just. It's just, it's just the last. It's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's the last, it's away from the neck. Yeah. Everybody who goes in that shop will probably know him, I was having a wig and that. He keeps him happy but everybody

knows. So what I'm saying is it's like... But could I just say transsexuals put in a little bit more effort than a fella who's plunked a rug on top and hold it down with some duct tape? Do you know what I mean? You know, the only giveaway often with a trans sexual is the big hands. They can't do anything about that. That's the only thing, you know. But I mean, transvestites are different, you know, they're, they are builds in the dress. You're going in a supermarket, you turn around, you see a six foot woman, huge head, you go, all right, love. You know what I mean, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you th, you th, you th, you th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, th. That's, th. That's, th. That's, th. That's, th. th. th. th. th. that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that below, she's packing more than us three put together. That's what I'm saying. But, you know what I mean? That's one of the...

If, if, if, uh, Eddie Izzard, right, who likes to pop on a dress now and again, right? What's the politics with that? Do you go, because he walks in, he's in, theyrown, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th.. th. th. th. th. that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's, that, that's, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, that's, if, if, that's, that's, that's, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, is, if, is, is, is, is, if, is, is, th. If, th. If, th. If, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, right, Eddie, and it's in a busy pub and you go, oh why is he... And you go, do you say, do you want a pint of bitter and slap him on the back, they would have to go, that's lovely, that's a lovely dress? Do you what I mean? What do you do? What do you do with a transvestite? Would you compliment a transvestite? Are they lovely dress? In the same way that you would if Suzanne was wearing a nice drop. Probably a different way. I'd probably say, that dress, you know, looks nice. Being even nicer on a woman. Do you know what I mean? Right, so you'd try and change the way they think.

Yeah. Yeah. You'd want to teach him a lesson. Yeah. You sure. It's one of thin things I can't get -Chinese kids. Yeah. Yes. Is it true to say that you've never been able to handle a trans Westite? So I'm just going to add that to the list then, Carl of things you can figure out. It's like four of hounds. Snoop Doggy Dogg obviously in the classic What's My Name? Yes, XFN 104.9. We've done that, so that's good. We've done... So we've solved the whole transvestism issue. Yeah, let me just check. We've done hairy Chinese kids, people having their knobs cut off. Yes think we've searched on the war as well

we've done that. We've done freaks haven't we? We've done people with no arms and legs, don't we? Take that. I don't think there's any other areas of possible offense. Have we done Forrest Gump in a wheelie bin? Are we touched on your aunt in Nora but haven't mentioned a five minutes or her showing you her clunge let me see I think I've done if we've I think we might have I definitely like to hear the word clunge more often yeah on this show her Mary oh I leave that please yeah

clench Mary I'm still non the wiser and that but we'll leave it I love the fact you'll love the fact you on that but we'll leave it. I love the fact you are such a sort of, you're such an old man aren't you? You're such a reactionary old man the way you talk. You want the sort of bloke? I imagine you and your father stood in a pub if a man came in an address, oh, you're a bloke an address, take it off. We were talking about things that you can sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort, the the tho, tho, I, I, tho, tho, I, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, to to to to, to, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh........ Oh. Oh, oh, to to to tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, to too. the tooomomoomoomoomoomorrow, too. tooomorrow, too, too, too, the too. the the the tho, I don't know, last week we were talking about things that you can sort of say and do when you're sort of like 40. I thought another one, nod to a policeman.

Yep, definitely. They're on the beat, they're going on, you're going, you're going on, you're going, you're doing it, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I know what you're up to, it's a difficult job, you're doing it well. I respect you now, I didn't when I was younger and I was thinking of, well done mate. Well I like the one you mentioned last week, you're now of an age where a van driver might ask you to back him into a parking space. Yeah, what, you don't feel, you don't, you know, if you're thi, to thii. they. that. that. that. that. they. that. that. that. that. that. their you're their you're their you're their you're their you're their you're their you're their you're their you're their you're their you're their you're their you're their you're their, you're their you're their you're their you're their you're their you're the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their you're their you're their you're their you're their you're their you're their you're their you're thrown. thrown. thrown. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. tha' sort of 40 or 50 there is not one of them that would turn to me first with a pint of beer and go taste that see if that is that off? No they wouldn't they would never consider me

that my opinion is the last one they're interested in. Yeah yeah things you can do over I think maybe 50 maybe 50 to the tap and not like a frat. You know you're wearing a because you're red's cold. Yeah, exactly. You're only because you're the red's cold. You're 50 years old, flat cap, fine. Yeah. Or just wear a suit and tie without having to go to an event or a convention or or just get up and pop on a little old suit and tie. I'll tell you what I love seeing old boys in a suit on do you know what I mean? They've got shiny shoes and they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're th. I they're th. I've th. I've thi. I th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th th th th th th th th 60s, on the beach wearing a suit. Wearing a suit on the beach. I think he, I got a feeling he's even got a knotted handkerchief and a full three-piece suit suit. That's great. It's brilliant. It's a decent seat all time. Because my grandfather, in my mind, my grandfather was always wearing a suit. I never saw a suit. I I I I I I I I I I I I thage. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm thatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheat. I th. I th. I was wearing. I was wearing. I was wearing. I was wearing. I was wearing. I was wearing. I was wearing. I was wearing. I was a th. I was a th. I was a th. I was a th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've that wore a suit to bed. I can't imagine taking that suit off. I just, it was always... Maybe it was an all in one, pull on one. But he didn't. I mean, what the weird thing is though, it wasn't like he worked in a bank all his life. I

think he was a builder. And then he retired and thought it's time I should start wearing a suit. I know, I mean, I th. th. tho, I tho, I tho, I tho, I tho, I tho, I tho, I tho, I tho, I tho, I tho, I thr- thr- thr-I thr-I thr-I thr-I thr-I thr- maybe, maybe, thr-a, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe thr-a, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, thr-a, maybe, tho, maybe, tho, tho, maybe, tho, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, tho, maybe, maybe, tho, maybe, tho, maybe, maybe, thr-a, thr-a, maybe thr-a, thr-a, thr-a, thr-a, thro' thro' thro' thro' thro' thro'a' thro' thro' thro'erer's thro' thro' thro and they make an effort and they're you know they're still part of the world. As a wows to me already just walking around in my pants, you know what I mean? It's like it's no point in getting dressed, I'm not going out. Or everything's got an elasticated waistband. Yeah, but you don't even consider a pair of traces. Slip on shoes, pull on trousers. Yeah. I've never seen a man. I've th. I th. I th. I th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've there. I've there there there there. I've there there there. I've there. I've there. I've there there. I've there's there's there's there's there's there's there's no there's there's no there's no there's no there's no there's no there's no there's no there's no there's no there's no there's no there's no there's no there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there. It there's there's there's there. It's there. It's there. It's there. It's there. It's no there. It's no there. It's no there's no there's no there's no there's no the. It's no the. It's no the. It's no the the thro the throo the there's no there's no there's no there's no That has got to be for you the best time-saving device ever. Velcro. Just me and a baby grow, a dry white baby. I went to, I went to, I went to the award... I think your tuxedo got Velcro. Well I was still talking about the award show, I went home. When do we stay there I was hungry and a few and in the end of the bottom of this jar of sesame seeds right or there's tiny little seeds but I didn't want to waste them so I sort of poured them into a mouth and sort of like at them like

mill it like a like a budgy binge binge yeah I and there was loads of seeds still in my chest. What was there on your chest? I took me, I took me ages, to pick him out before I had a bar. So they must have to stay there all night, not with the, you know, with the cheese now, Carl, that was coming through my pores, these seeds. What have I started growing? I'd have to mow my chest. Oh dear. Your girlfriend's a lucky lucky woman. Sesame C chest. What we got, Carl? Oh, do you remember we were also talking about names? Names you cannot call kids now? It's like there are certain names. Yeah, well I was thinking that like there's

great old bloke names, but they have to be a baby once. Yeah, but I name this child. You can't. There are sort of these names which you just never name a child now. I mean Carl frankly is. Oh that's all right. I just is quite trending. But Sid. Alf Sid. You would never name a child Sid. Stan. Stan Bert. I name this child Bert. Did I ever tell you about my Uncle Alf? No. He wasn't a proper uncle, right? But it was just a point.

One of my dad's mates and that. And he was getting on a bit. He must have been about, you know, 60, which is pretty old when you're younger and that. And he was the same. He used to always wear a suit and that, but it was never in good Nick, it was always like a rough suit, but it doesn't matter, still making half the effort and that. And he used to sleep in a dinghy. All right, me and golf.

What, in his house? Yeah. Why? Well, in a flat? Well, in a little bed, he was in like a little bed-sit, and he's, th............ th. their, th. th. th. th. th. their, th. thi. their, thi. their, thi. thi. He's, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their, their their, their their, and he's, and he's, and he's their. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's, and he's, and he's. He's, their, their, their. He's, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi. He's thi. He's thi. He's thi. He's theeat theat theat theat theat theat theat thi. He's theat thi. He's thi. He's thi. he had this two-boats at once down. Had this little dingy, had a little flat, thought, well it's tight space and that. He had a dingy as a bed and he had two tellies, right? He had two tellies, one that the sound worked on, the other one only the vision worked. So if you wanted to watch a programme, had to go and turn both on. Put them both on like BBC One, turned one up and watch the other one.

Wow. That's extraordinary. From his dinghy? Just that in his dinghy. That is brilliant. It was an inflatable one, yeah, an inflatable one. Did you ever go around and visit him? one again. Was it weird seeing a bloke, a 60-year bloke in a suit in a dinghy inside watching two teleys? It's weird. At the time I thought I was the other one. I just, but which of the TVs stopped working properly first? I mean did he, let's say the sound went on one of them? Did he carry on watching the other one hoping? No, he went and got a new tele? He went on. the, let's and he went oh no he went hold on that wait a minute I've got another telly in the wardrobe that I haven't used because I think it must have been like that. Yeah wow he sounds brilliant is he's still a life. Yeah he's still around yeah I'm seeing for years but he used to what happened the thing is his wife passed away and that's when he had all this you know he had a boat and it's like oh well we're gonna

put it in a bed sit and it's like hang on a minute yeah I mean sleeping that so yeah I wonder if you ever brought any women back just the idea of bringing them back getting down to it should we move to the idea of bringing them back. Getting down to it. Should we move into the bedroom? Ahoy. That is fantastic. Missy Elliot, Gossip Folks and XFM 104.9, Ricky Jovey, Steve Merchant, Carl Pilken. Now I know we're not meant to mention the adverts, and I'm not slagging off the advert, it's that national lottery advert with the little Welsh fella saying your money from the national lorry goes towards Mountain Rescue.

We've put them up there, we've saved a lot of of people. Now that's fine, that's great, well done. What I'm annoyed at is why are those people allowed to go up the mountain in the first place. Yeah. Don't go up there, it's dangerous. You're at your own risk. Do what I mean? Definitely. It's ridiculous. Just posh, beardy twats. Cl paying for people to get rescued from mountains? I'm not sure, I think the lotter is doing it now. Fine, because I'll tell you, if it was my money, I would be living. Well that's the point isn't it, I mean... You should have to take out insurance if you want to climb up a mountain. You should pay for it, you should pay for it, like, if we're, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if it, if it, if it, if it, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd be, I'd be, I'd be, I'd be, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd be, I'd be, I'd be, I'd be, I'd be, I'd be, I'd be, I'd be, I'd be, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'd that, I'd that, I'd that, I'd th. that, I'd th. th. that, th. that, that, tha, tha. tha. tha. that's, tha. that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, I'd tha, I able to pack, they're all posh and rich anyway. But it's like a cat gets stuck up a tree and the farmer come out because it doesn't know any better. Imagine that was a bloke, I'm stuck up again. Stop going up there! But that's what I'm saying again though, it's only a cat, so leave it up there.

Get another one. Absolutely. And there's the skeleton of Tiddlesles I couldn't be wanted to go and get a ladder. Oh but it's the same a few weeks ago everyone was making a fuss over that sheep that was the first cloned sheep and it died. Clone another one. Oh wow. If only you can do the same with mountaineers. Yeah. Oh it looks the same, the beard's the same. They all looked like Brian Blessed. Yeah, exactly. So I ever tell you about the time time time time time time time time time time that that that that that that that that that th that th th that th th th th th th th th that that thate thate tho tho tho tho tho tho tho the the thoes thoes thoes thoes tho- I their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. I was th. I was tho. I was tho. I was to be to be toda. I was toda. I was today was today today. I was today today today today today today was today was tho. I was th like Brian Blessed. Yeah exactly. So I ever tell you about the time that my father, when I was young we went on holiday, my dad had a little, he bought a little boat, a little wooden boat, make a three-seater, and he and he and a friend of his went out with me and the boat I was maybe 12 or 13, we were on the, we were on the, we were on the, we were just, we bought, we bought, we bought, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, th.o, th. th. th. th. th. th. tho, th. tho, th. th. tho, th. th. tho, a, a beach because we'd gone around the corner of like a mountain or like what's it called like a cliff and so we just ran the corner and there was this boy like it's just floating in the

water not a boy but you know like a boy and a boy and the boy and so we we float past that and theyre's just a boy they they the motor conks out I'm gonna be a'c if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if we we we we we we we we we we we we we we're a boy so so so so so so so so we're a boy. the the they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. there's there's just just just they. there's there's there's just just they. there's just there's just there's just there They're rowing away. I'm just sat there. And we noticed that every time we sort of think we've got past this boarty, it just seems to be back where it started again. And we realized that the tide is taken us, but not taking us out, taken us out, taken us towards these rocks. And they were pretty scared because because I I I I I I I I I I to to swim. Because I their to swim. Because I their to swim. Because I their their to swim. I thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. their their. thin' thi. thoes. thoes. the, we've got the. the. their their their their their their. We're their. We're their. their. their. their. their. their. their. the. the. the. the. the. We're got. the. the. the. We're the. the. the. We're the. We're the. the. the. the. the. tie. thea. thea. tie. thea. thee. things from him, one of which was his carefulness with money, just the one life jacket. How deep was the water? Which I seemed to remember he tore off my back and put on himself. So the water is pretty, I mean, you know, I'm not saying we would have necessarily died, but it was pretty scary because the boat, you know we were going to crash into these rocks and stuff it was getting pretty unnerving. And so we're they're sort of rowing like mad trying to get, we're not making any progress and we're beginning to think that this might be the end. And this boat, this kind of ferry boat comes chugging by doing tourist, ching, chink, chink, because according to the laws of the sea, if he rescues us, Steve, he can claim my boat. The laws of the sea, and he can claim my boat as salvage.

That's like a reward. That's... But what I like is, his 12-year-old son might die, he's thinking about the boat, he's thinking about the boat, the boat, the thap, thoy, thoy, I I, I, I, I, I, I, I, th, th, th, th, th, I, th, th, they, th, they, they, the boat, the boat, the boat, the boat, the boat, the boat, the boat, the boat, the boat, the boat, the boat, he's the boat, he's the boat, he's the boat, he's the boat, he's the boat, he's the boat, he's the boat, he's the boat, he's the boat, he's the boat, he's the boat, he's the boat, he's the boat, he's the boat, he's the boat, he's the boat, he's the boat, he's the boat, he's the boat, he's the boat, he's the boat, he's the boat, I' the boat, I' the boat, I' the boat, I' the boat, the boat, I' the boat, I' the boat, I' the boat, I' the boat, I' the boat, I' the boat, I' the boat, the boatthat I like the idea of this ferry master going, Ah, the boat be mine now, or take your sand. Let me think about it. I need a new bed. That'll be just right, king size. Oh dear, that's lovely. So we've done, we've done, uh, done a lot of stuff today.

We've done, uh, on what else we've done? we've done, chop your bollocks off for free. Yeah, we've done the operations of five grand which I'm not happy about. Yeah, leave the cat up there. We've done most stuff I think we've done a lot. We still haven't done Forrest Gump in a wheelin but we can leave that to next week if you want. See I still think thin' the the the the the the the the the the the the the they th we th we th we th we th we can't we can't we can't we can't we can't we can't we can't we can't we can't we can't we can't we can't we can't we can't we can't we can't that's that's that's that's that's that's to to to to to to to to to that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's to to to to to to to that's to to to to to the the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to thea' to to to that it's not needed. Well you know the fella if you haven't you know if you've only just tuned in you've missed a debate about a fella who needs is is a tackle taken off. A debate makes it sound like it was a bit more informed than it actually was. Well I'm just you know all that time that was probably half an hour again I've still been thinking about other things that it would be good if more money could be plowed into things to get them out there. Like what? Do you know I was looking you know I'm a fan of going on the web and that sure and there's inventions right

we were talking about a few weeks ago inventions that are out there and you know are well known by famous people who their th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi thi. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi th. th. th. th. thi thi th. th. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thou. theeeeee. that's theeee. thooooooooooooooooooo. the the the that are out there and there's some that you know are well known by famous people who have brought stuff out. Do you know why we didn't go on with this? Because I remember saying to you about Einstein, who was clues think's clever, you weren't pressed but I said Einstein and you went this is a quote you went Einstein well yeah now I've never needed you got it wrong you went you I've never needed MC squared in my life, but the fella who made the video recorder, I watch one a week. Right. That's right.

Brilliant. And it's the fact that everybody's got one good idea in them, right? Like Newton said about the Apple. I did rock busters. Yeah, yeah. And there was this thing that was on the website. I did rock busters. Yeah, yeah. Right? And there was this thing that was on the website. So they shouldn't be spending money on investigating sort of medical procedures that might help people.

They should be spending it on what car? Well, I found this thing, right? Ricky, brilliant. What it was, little sort of mops. Little mops. Little mops. Little mop heads. Like floor mops?

Yeah. Right. Fit them on your cat. If you've got a cat, right? If you've got a little cat, put these little things on the feet, and there was a picture of one, just like walking around the kitchen Looking a bit like that you can't do looking like that on the radio No, but it's just just looking a bit sort of fed up, but he didn't really know what was going on Woking around you see like the the the woman of the house sat in the background on the cup of tea

the cat's there walking about on the kitchen on the on the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the cat's the the cat's the cat's the cat's the cat's the cat's the cat's the cat's the cat's the cat's the cat. the cat. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tapot is cat is cat is.catsats tapeats tapeat's cat's cat's cat's cat's cat's cat's cat's cat's cat's cat's cat's cat's cat's cat's cat's cat's cat's cat's cat's cat's cat's cat's the catopping the floor. That's what I put my money into. Can we get shares in this? No, that's an invention. How good is that? Yeah. Can we get shares in that? It's good though, isn't it? I'll tell you what, I'll market that. Yeah, that's amazing. I'd just like the idea of people struggling with their cat to get, hold on though, wait a minute. What have I had a bad kidney? Ah, well then it's worth paying five grand. I suppose a year because it would cost it

cleaner that wouldn't it? Yeah. So that's what I'm saying. I mean there's loads of other things out there that gets loads of police. Oh! Oh. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I' th. I' thi. I've thi. I've thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm tho. I'm tho. I'm tho. I'll tho. I'll tho. I'll tho. I'll tho. I'll thi. I'll thi. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll, I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I' th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'm th. I'm toge. I'm toge. I'm toge. I'm toge. I'm toge. I'm toge. I'm toge. I'm toge. I'm toge. I'm th. I'm there's loads of other things out there that gets loads of praise. You can stick a brush on its head and make it go down the toilet. It'll be genius Carl. No, but this load... You see, you say that, if Newton came up with it, you'd be loving it. And it'll be loads of praise, and everything, right? That's what I'm losing. Imagine Newton coming up with that. Imagine Newton coming the new up with the new up with the new th th the new the new th.

Newton coming up with that Carl think of it well there's other things that gets loads of praise penicillin everyone who came up with that? Fleming was it? Yeah so just discovered it on a right I'm 30 don't think I've ever used it but you're a phenobenoline right so there's one thing what somebody else was talking to you about oh god you like video okay so so video tell scope was another thing you see you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you the you you the you the you th th th th th th th th th th th th you th th you th you th you th you th you th you th you th you th the the th th th the the the tho tho th. tho th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th who th who th who th who th who th who th who th who th who th who th who th who th who th who th who th who th who th who th who th. th. th. I th. I th. Who th. Who th. Who the theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Who the the the th. Who thing. What's someone else was talking to you about the league? Oh God, you like video. Okay, so video... Telescope was another thing you seem to think is important.

Well no, you asked me about great event, I said, Alexander Graham Bauer, the telephone, everything from that, linked from that. John Lokey Baird, television, Marconi, the radio, I said Galilio, I was naming you stuff. It wasn't that I was just saying that I think those things are more important than Rockbusters. I think they're better ideas. Telescope, even a telescope. Carl, play a record because there's a website. There's a website, I must try and find you during this record. It's got loads of inventions I think you're going to love. Oh! Vicious.

Vicious from New Reeds. Always a Joy. Yeah. XFM, one and four point nine, lookage of A, Steve Merchant. Carl Pilkington. Carl, I, someone pointed me in the direction of this website and I, basically, I swear to God, these are real inventions, okay, that real inventors have applied for patents for, you know, so that they own the copyright.

Why don't I come up with one, a real one? Yeah, and then you do that one. Well, I think some of these, Carl, you are going to be absolutely excited by. If you love the little mops that go on cat's feet, I think you're excited. Okay, well after I went up to start with, have you got one there ready? Yeah. The X-ray machine? All right? Oh.

So we got the x-ray machine, Carl. The X-ray machine, Carl,ites, it can, well we know what an x-ray machine can do. So what's happening is here, right, I'm sort of head of some business, I've got a load of money, yeah, you're coming to me with an idea, and Steve's coming with me to an idea, I've got say five grand and I've got, I've got, I've come with you, I've said look, I can do trans vector operations you go, I'm not interested, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm th. thi, th. thi, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, yeah, yeah, I'm, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm, yeah, th... Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th th in with... Well, firstly I'm going to offer you, this is Painted 557-1247. You've got the X-ray machine, I'm going to come to you with the Self-Containing Enclosure for Protection from Killer B's. Tell me more. All right. Well, it's like... Tell me more! Self-containing enclosure for protection from killer bees that might be in the thetransparent plastic material basically that will protect us from any killer bees that might be in the area. Useful?

Yeah. Don't decide yet. Okay I'll come up another one. Um, refrigeration. The combination toy dog and vacuum cleaner. Let me read a bit more. Don't judge yet. A toy dog closely resembling. Let me read a bit more, don't judge yet. A toy dog closely resembling a real dog and having a hollow interior in which is mounted a vacuuming the dog, having a suction hose which is retractable from the tail end of the dog. This enables vacuuming a dog after a haircut and grooming without causing fear to the dog because it thinks another dog is in the room. Sorry, this is a decoy dog to make the dog the dog the dog the dog the dog the dog not the dog not the dog not thueueueueue that that that that that thue that that thue that that thue that thue thue the the the the the thozy to to to to to thozy thozy to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy to to to to toe. to to to to to the dog because it thinks another dog is in the room. Sorry, this is a decoy dog to make the dog not realise it's being vacuumed think it's making a friend.

There's a picture of it. Carl. Do you see what we're talking about there? That's a dog that looks... It's a fake dog. Also, do you see that why the cat with the mocks is on Steve's side and why sort of x-rays, refrigeration, things that are on my side and Newton and MC squared as you toward you? Can you see the difference in these invent, can you see the pattern emerging and the difference? Yeah but you see to me, which are you impressed by, are you impressed by the sanitary appliance for birds? Have a look at it. It's if you've got a domestic a the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the train. A train train. A train. A tapexxxxied. A toyeathea. A toeatracea. I's, toe. I's, toe. I's, toe. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It birds? Have a look at it. It's if you've got domestic bird, maybe a budgerie guard or something, but you're tired

of it crapping everywhere. These are very tiny nappies that go on a pet. That is real, isn't it? Pet. There's a picture, there's a diagram there. Can I put the microwave? It's weird because... Carl, are you tired of petting your dog or cat? I bet you are.

That's why you need this Peyton Petter. It is an arm on a piece of wood that will go up and down and stroke and pet your dog for you if you've not got time to do it. Well, I can only put up into fear on the cancer cure, I to cure cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer again. Exactly. Yeah. You see a lot of these things... These are all genuine inventions? Yeah. And if the time was right, we'd say get a maid. Do you know what I mean? if there was a bad swarm in London, I'd be saying get the bee man on. Yeah. Right? What, lose the x-ray machines? I don't care about broken bones for now. Well at that moment in time, that would be more important than, you know. You th. You th. You th. You that, you thi thi that, you thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that moment in time that would be more important than... you know people have been stung, we don't need to look inside them. Sure. Do you know what I mean? It's all about, it's like the telescope now, isn't it impressive?

Sure. If you want to see something'll tell you what, Carl. So it's looking at supernova and trying to find out more about the universe. It's its conception and its eventual end. Forget that, Rick, because I've got the cheese filtered cigarette. Ah, now tell me more. This is a secret where the filter is actually made from cheese. Apparently cheese acts as a very good filter for tobacco, so the smoke passes through the cheese, thus you will induce a kind of smoky cheese. And also smoking might make you a little bit peckish and you can just nibble that so there's

no dog end lying around and play from it. Or budgy shit. It's a cleaner place and you haven't been stung. Brilliant. Right now listen so that's that done. Yeah. We've done that as well. Yeah. We're running out of time. We've got five minutes left. Winner for songs of phrase. Hold on, give us the answers. Right. This, we did this at the start. We haven't got time for the film thing today. Oh. But we'll do that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that the th. th. th. the th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thin. thin. thi. thin' thi. thi. thin' th. th. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's. that's. that's. that's. th. th. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. Yeah. Yeah. ti. Yeah. ti. Yeah. ti. ti. ti. ti. We've. ti. We've ti. ti. We've ti. ti. We've. ti. We've. ti. ti. We've. ti was a phrase, you never see an old man eating a twix. I love the fact that we go, we haven't got time, like it's, we've had such important stuff and it's been so jam-packed and interesting.

Not that it's been drivel with gaps we could have filled much better. Don't look at it like that, like, oh, with his film quiz. Come on. So songs a phrase a a phrase a phrase a phrase a phrase a phrase a phrase a phrase a phrase a phrase a phrase a phrase a phrase a phrase thah, you th. th. th. that. that. that. that's a phrase that. that. that. that's a phrase that's a phrase. that. that's that's that's that's that's that. that. that. that's that that that we'll that we'll that we'll that we'll that we'll that we'll that we'll that we'll that we'll that we'll that we'll that. We'll that. We' that. We' that. We' that. We' that. We' that. We. We. We'll. We. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll that. We'll th. th. th. We'll th. th. th. We'll th. We never see an old man eating a twix. We had to get change it to Mars bar. Here's what we had. Jerry and the Pacemakers. Echoing the Bunnymen. What do you mean? I thought that one was.

What do you mean? David Bowie. There, Bowie. And the Beach Boys finished out. What do you mean? Who's the winner? Oh, it doesn't matter. You've got to give the answer. Who was that one you didn't know what was theirs? It was new young, was it? Jim Crochet, is it?

Old Man River? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. to so. What was it? Who cares? Well people, I can't believe this, do you, uh, Old Man River, it was. Let's, let's give the prize to Jim Crochet wouldn't have sung Old Man River. Let's give the, Paul Robeson. Let's give the prize to Mitchell Sterling, who has got some of the answers right. On XFM 104.9. How will we be playing that great quiz again next week?

Yeah, next week. We'll be making surveys with it on XFM's sports. And if you want to send an email, Shriky'ways, don't come to me, or check out the website on XFM's or the comms. Good night. Then we'll be the first week Friday.