The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Xfm S2E4 (September 14, 2002)

Episode Date: September 2, 2022

Series two of the podcast began on 28 February 2006. It consisted of 6 episodes with the final one released on 4 April 2006. The series saw the return of Karl's Diary and Rockbusters. A new (though short-lived; it was only presented in the first episode) feature was also introduced in order to replace Pilkington's "Monkey News", called "Real Monkey News", where Gervais attempts to present facts about chimpanzees which are factual and scientific.With the start of series two, the formerly free Ricky Gervais Show shifted to a pay model – and as a result the show is now classified as an audiobook. It is available through Audible and the iTunes Store with individual episodes. The reason for this addition, according to Ricky on the podcast, is because The Guardian agreed to pay for the bandwidth for 12 episodes, and any more extra episodes would have to be paid for out of their personal finances.

104.9 XFM. You're all right. This is Carl. Producer of Ricky Juvace and Steve Merchant. They're not about today. Rick is on holiday. Steve couldn't be bothered. So I'm left here with all the Dats. That's a digital audio tape, of all the shows they've done since they've been here over the last year and a half or something. So we'll play some of the best bits, all right? So here's the first bit. I just wish we could maybe tape the bits we're not on air just because that's when Carl comes into his own. He just said to me, I was I don't know what I was doing, I was sort of like pottering around, dancing around, doing something annoying probably and he

just looked at me I don't know and he just looked at me and I look back and he went have you ever used a wife front properly. Genius. It's a great question because the answer is definitely no.. Has anyone used their wife front properly? And by that I mean get your winky out of the little sort of slot provided as opposed to like put it to one side or pull them down or whatever. Has anyone used a Y front properly? I don't think I've ever done it. I've never seen anyone in a toilet doing it Rick. He should be looking. I wish I hadn't said that. I wish I hadn't said that. I got I've got to to said to said to said to said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I wish I wish I had said I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish I had said I wish I wish I wish I wish I had said. I had said. I had said I had said. I wish I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said said said said said said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had said I had. I had. I had. I had. I had. I had. I had. I had. I had. I had. I had. I had. I had. I wish. I had. I had. I had. I had. I had. to. I had. to. I wish. I had. I had. I to. I had to. I had to. I had actually how you prove people are gay. Get him into this conversation. Yeah, yeah, it's a trap. Yeah, it's a trap.

I'm not gay by the way. Yeah, you didn't true I was gay. I double bluffed you. Yeah. As I knew the old gay trick. I thought it was the old gay lord say no thing. That is another thap, there's innumerable methods of doing it. That's how Oscar Wilde was caught. Yeah.

What happened there? Well, the judge went to him. Did she that film last night? Gail said no and he went no and they went to take him away. Yeah, take him down to the cells? Yeah, that's true. Well, it originated in America. Yeah. Brilliant point Carl, I'd like to hear from anyone, anyone listening, and I mean that, well, they'll just lie wouldn't they?

Yeah, I don't even use sort of flies, usually. I sort of, sort of, sort of, sort of pull my wife, my sort of, my sort of truck suit. That's why I wear sort of like, it's like, it's like, speed. Yeah, you've got to get in there with the minimum of effort. Yeah, we and out. Sure, sure. Often I won't shake. No. To my detriment, because it often leaks out a little bit later, isn't it? Ever been out on a date with a girl where it's just trickled down your leg and you wish

it hadn't and you're thinking, what if she gets my trousers off later? What? What? I don't th, I there. Rick I have for Christmas something which I think might excite you and interest you because I know you're obsessed and interested by facts. Yeah. Don't fill it with the microphone. I was just looking at what it was underneath it. So this is a book, it's just facts and trivia. It's edited by Sir Isaac Asimov. I think's dead. So I don't know when my parents bought this book. I assume it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's th. It's th. I th. I th. I th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've thi. I've thi. I've thi. I've thi. I've thi. I've thi. I've thi. I've thi. I th. I th. I th. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll th. I'll th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm thi. I'm thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I th by Sir Isaac Asimov who I think's dead so I don't know where my parents bought this book I assume it's from a second hand shop or something right it's quite a lot but I got it for Christmas I keep meaning to bring it in because there are generally the facts are quite sensible

in here and I like to think if Isaacs been involved they're probably substantiated it's not like kind of just this nonsense on the web or up this is is is is is this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this is this is ancient Egyptians trained baboons to wait on tables. Carl fascinated. That's fantastic. But what my point about that is why did they stop? Yeah. It's a genius idea. Would you not want to go to a restaurant where they had baboon serving? No I'll tell you what happened. It might have been like the Planet the Apes and they sort of about one of them could take his order and one day. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It. It. It. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It. It's. It's. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's a their. It's a their. It's a their. It's a they. It's. It's a their. It's a their. It's a their. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It............................................................................................ the. the. the............................ the..... and they sort of rebelled. One of them could talk, one of them could take his order and one day when they went, do you want fries with that? And the bloke got really annoying, said their answer him back and then there was some sort of rebellion. Right, right, right, right. Yeah. The Bloeak the Apes isn't true, is it not the they're like I have difficult and I'm sure you do Carl like working out that sort of 10% you know on a bill yeah I reckon baboons would find that particularly hard I reckon you could get away with under tipping them all the

time yeah exactly not leaving enough and this leg in it exactly they go away and you go suck up yeah yeah exactly so I'd love to see some baboon restaurants yeah yeah if there's any restaurante they're a restaurant if you do go go to a go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go I I I I I I to go go go go go go go go go go I to go go go go go go go go go go go I'm a they. I'm a to go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go I I I I I I I I I I I can can can can can can't I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I can can can can can can can can can can can can can can I'm a to go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go go go go go to go go go go to go go go go go go to go go go go go go go go I'm a to go I'm a the please don't order the banana dachery because it comes half eaten. They can't help their little sales. They really can't. They're okay with like you know beef and steak and chips and like that but you know as a little burger I'll go do you imagine that the balloons serving at waiting tables it's genius just stop to think about that it's absolutely incredible yeah it's absolutely dynamite yeah as zoosos would be a lot more popular if it was like the canteen. If they were serving tickets to two? Uh, yeah, one child row.

Okay, go through there. I think they should do other things like in, you know, in the flint stones. They used to mix cement in, yeah, before they had proper cement mixers, that's what they did. That was how they did it. Definitely, yeah. Just animal facts, I remembered one in the week. Go on. Do you know them two gay men who have tigers?

Okay, the two gay ones, yeah, go on. the two possibly gay guys. Yeah, let's not worry about a live, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, the, the, the, their, their, their, their, their, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, I. the, I. the, I. the, I. the, I. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th. the, just, just, just, th. th. their. th. tha. their. Just, just, just, just, just, just, the got to treat that sentence with a lot more reverence than you did. Think what you're saying, if you shave a tiger's head. Not just his head, it's whole body. Oh, sorry, sorry, yeah. Sorry, yeah. So I thought you were getting weird.

Go on, if you shave a tie? Yeah, that's amazing. Where did you hear that one? That's, I remembered that, like, I was watching. Was that drunk just showing it in the street? I shaved the tiger and it's still striving, get out of here. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know a polar bear? Polar bear's skin is actually black and its fur is transparent, not white, and it gives the illusion, so it gets all the radiation possible from the sun, but it still camouflaged. I didn't understand that, Rick, sorry, you lost me.

If it skin's black, and its skin is black, and its fur is translucent. And it's true, it's translucent. So why is it? Well, it just because the light hits it and... The sun reflects. individual hair, it's actually translucid. So at night it would be back? Well, everything is. Is it? Yeah. Oh, not bright stuff, Rick. You.O. 4.9. Lovely that one. Now, again, I broke the rules in the week. I met up with Carl. I had lunch with him. And we were chatting and having a cup of tea. And it got on to one of Carl's favourite programmes was the tales of the unexpected. Oh of course. And all I can think is that he's probably the only person in Britain where they were unexpected. I mean to him when that that twist came and then he go gee I can't yeah oh god so it was the

tree that did it. I mean it was probably the only and we were telling all these stories of horror and he liked horror tories. And I told him this story and I don't know if this would come across the radio but I told him this story. It was it was a short it was a horror short. This was a film you saw it. Yeah and point of view of the person in the car and he was calling for his mate and he was going Dave and he sort of he sort of looked over and saw a body without a head that had been throwing it he goes oh no Dave Dave and then into the field of view came Dave his mate and I thrown and I looked at him with a look of horror and then it sort of went black

and you realized that he was just a head and it had been his body. Oh wow, right? Yeah. And I said, then it came up at the end at the executions and the French Revolution, people experienced consciousness for, you know, and he went, he went, oh, no, he said, you wouldn't, it wouldn't be for that long. And then he if it was a chicken it would work. Imagine remaking that film but it's two chickens in horrendous car crash. Their own fault for driving me. It would work no no he wasn't having that. No it was too long I think he said how long was this film went an out of five minutes he went no. It would work if it was a chicken. I like the way wasn't having that. No, it was too long. I think he said how long was this film? Went an out of five minutes, he went, no.

It would work if it was a chicken. I like the way that Carly, there's something like, when you relate an incident like that, he's appalled and offended and annoyed by the people that made it, even though he's annoyed. Yeah, we were talking about the one on where there's some woman in prison. Have you seen that one? I can't remember them all. Right? This woman's in prison.

Yeah. And she gets a bit friendly with the guy who texts the dead bodies out. Right. And he said, I can get you out of her. So what you've got to do, right? You've got to do, I don't, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th... th. th. This, thi. thi. thi. thr. thi. thi. thi. thi. This, thi. This, thi. This, thi. This, th. This, th. This, th. This, the bell told that means there's been a dead body. Yeah there's been a dead body. So what you've got to do is go into like the place where all the dead bodies are, got on the, getting the first coffin on the right and then I'll come along and carry you out and you can run away and escape, right? So she goes yeah all right then so she is the bell go. No I'll butry. I'll bury you, right? And then I'll come back later and dig you up.

Right, that's the point. That doesn't matter. It does matter. Trust me, Carl, it really matters. Listen, I don't know if I'm going to ruin this for people at home. Yeah. Can I just skip to the end? I would imagine that she gets buried and he doesn't come back and she has there for ages. She's buried. She can feel a bit of movement going on so she's obviously you know being carried somewhere so she's thinking

this is it I'm getting out and and she's lying there for ages and thinking why the thinne the lid off this. Do you know what I mean? Let me get out? So she's really bored. She gets a lighter out, right? Lights it to have a look the fellow who she's lying on. It it. It it. It it. It's the the the the the the the the th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's th. th. th. th. th. th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And thi's lying, thi's lying, thi's lying, thi's lying, thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi. thii's thiiiiiii's thiii's thii's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's said should it help escape. Oh how bad is that? That is? How bad is that? So it is quite important that she's buried alive then isn't it? In retrospect? You realize that the jeopardy is that she's buried alive and can't get out? Yeah. Yeah. It makes it so much worse, isn't it than just like lying and Morgan going, actually I'm getting out of here? Yeah, this isn't it's like a much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much? It's their? It's their. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's that's th. It's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's is so that's is so much is is so much is so much is is so much is so much is so much is so much is so much is so much that's is so much that's is so much that's is so much. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's their. It's th. It's that's their. It's their? their? their? their th. their th. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's at Carl's face having told that he's so pleased his face is lit off he's beaming like a child is that you see that is that your favorite horror thing ever what was that one you told me about with the with the porn

that was a good one oh this was fantastic right right there was there was a there was this there so can I thrown I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the toy's toy's toy is is is is is the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tel-infects now, have we? This is important. Well, I saw one, right? I saw one on tales and inspectors, right? And it was these two gents, what they used to do, they looked down the obituaries, and they'd blackmail the wife or the son of a dead eminent person, like might be a priest or a doctor, and they'd go and they say he bought some erotic stuff from us before he died and he owes a hundred guineas and all this sort of stuff and they'd pay up because it'd be so embarrassing they just didn't want to say just pay him right and this one bloke said who are these people I'll meet with and he goes around and he goes around and they go your father he goes my father could not have bought any the the they's the he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he th is is is their th is th is th is their their th is th is th is their th is th is th is their thi th is th is th is their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th is their th is th is th is th is th is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. theeeee. theeeeee is thee is the is the is the have bought any erotic material from you they did it goes he couldn't have he's blind right and that was the twist and Carl went so it was magazines not videos then

yeah now think about Steve is that so stupid well presumably it was set in old times because people, professional pornographers don't tend to call it, you know, erotic material. They tend to call it, you know, juicy jokes or whatever. But more than that, I don't understand how a video is going to be any use to a blind person either. I know that you can hear the sound, Carl. Look at him, he nodded, like he's caught. Yeah, What, the sound, the sound, the sound, the sound, the sound, the sound, the sound, the sound, the sound, the sound, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, I, th, I th, I th, I th, I, I'm th, th, th. I th. I tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. I, I. I, I. I, I. I, I, I. I. I th, I. I th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm than, than, than, than, than, than, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, the, do, do, do, do, do, you're meter needs looking at?

Yes, cut. What's then? What's that? Then it's just noises. Occasional groans. Yeah. Right. You could listen to the wall at your neighbors. He does.

I mean, that's why could have had a Braille porno. Now have you thought of that? Look, feel the lumps on that. Exactly. Think about it, Carl. You're excited now. Yeah. Your girlfriend's away, Carl.

Yeah, the cheese great is only under the cupboard. No, she's a good looking lady. Oh! Oh! Have you ever been hated? You make you cry, but thin' the night. I'm cleaning up my closet. I'm cleaning up my closet. One of the four point nine, XFM. Hello?

I'm Carl. Ricky and Ricky Jovey and Steve aren't here. So we're playing through some of the best bits. I say the best bits I came first. I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm of the best bits. I say the best bits. It's the bits that came across first. I mean, I'm not wasting my time. I'm a busy man, you know what I mean? So, here's another bit. What do you make it the first genetically modified baby? Oh, are you worried about this? Do you know what did they do? What? Let me see what it says here. It's just choosing, choosing the, you know, eye colour? Well this is the, this is the concern isn't it, that in the future you'll be able to decide

whether it's a boy or a girl, what, how intelligent it is, what is it handsome, is it ugly? Obviously no one will choose an ugly baby and so on and so on and so on. And so it means that, you know, Are you concerned? I've thought about this a lot. What will us three look like in the future? If they're being genetically modified people, what will we be like? How will we be considered in society? But we've talked about this before, aren't we? About the cloning thing. Yeah. Now it's a bit weird. I don't think it matters because at the end of the way you've brought that you brought up that will change your features and the way you are you know your personality.

If you lie you get a long nose don't you? Well no but listen right because I remember when when we, you know I was growing up on this estate this is going to be good. No, no it's not. It's just an example of how this doesn't work. Go on. So we don't need to worry so so so so so so so to worry so to worry so to worry so to worry so to worry. So we to worry. So we to worry. So we to worry. So we to worry. So we to worry. So we to worry. So we to worry. So we to worry. So we to worry. So we're to worry. So we're to worry. So we're to worry to worry. So we're to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I th. I th. I the. I thr. I thr. I thr. I thr. I thro. thro. I thro. thro. I thro. I tho. I tho. I tho. I th. I there was a there was this woman about four houses down right is a bit rough all right didn't fancy oh god no right but she had a baby well tell me about her first I'm interested in this woman why was she it was a very it was a very I didn't grow up in a posh house or anything I'm not saying that if you live in a toub toub to clean up the fag they. It's to the. I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm not th. I'm not th. I'm not th. I'm not th. I'm not th. I'm not th. I'm not th. I'm not th. I'm not th. I'm not th. I'm not th. I'm not th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. th. th. th. the the. the. the. the. the. theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. the. the. the. Green with a fag on. They didn't clean up much, right? Oh.

Which, even if you've not got a lot of money, you can still try and make a place up nice. Right? But she didn't. And a kid used to take a horse into the house. Sorry. Whoa, whoa, woe. Whoa, Eddie. What do you mean a kid used to take a horse into the house? When they get a horse?

Must have it from somewhere. Must have it on. You see the horse with it? No, what is that from outside the saloon round the corner? Yeah, was it just tied up with a bit of it? Oh, that's great. Oh, I've been out. Sorry, let me get this. This was before the lynching stopped or after.

Where did they get out of horse from? What do you mean you must have nicked it? His mom said, where'd you get that from? I bought it all right then. We'll keep it out of the kitchen. I don't want you going Catlin, rustling. Where's they get a horse from, Carl? And how long do they have it for? Was he leading it or riding it? Ma'am open the door, I can't stop it. Over the patio door as well. It looks like we got us a runaway.

What do you mean? I don't know, but the thing is they couldn't afford to buy one because they're not cheap. So I'm just guessing, maybe that's with me but I think he had a horse yeah right so that's why the family did have any money they'd spend it on the horse no I think that's what I'm saying I don't think they would have bought it so anyway it's always to whisper car in case they're listening yeah and you know they could be in the room next door it's not buying it is keeping it as well oh so I was like in the try the the the the the the the the the to the the to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th the th th th th of th of th of th of th of th of th of the the the. the. they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they the they their their their their their their their their their their their try try try try try try try try try try try try try ttry try to they're they they're they they they they they they to drive down it to turn round and you know sort of go back to our house. You had the traditional method of transport yeah the horse was in the lounge reading a paper just just like walking around.

Oh God! What? And when I was doing it I tried to earn myself some money once by flogging little flowers in plastic cups. What this is tried to earn myself some money once by flogging little flowers in plastic cups. What? This is genius. It just keeps coming. What do you mean you're trying to flog little flowers? What do you mean? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a record, let's play a record and come back to this because the story is going to just unravel and unrave. It's got a lot of hours. It's deeper and deeper it, it's like an onion. We've, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, it, it, it, it, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what th. What, what th. What, what, what th. What, what, what, what, what th. What, what, what th. What, what, what, what th. What, what, what th. What, what, what th. What, what, what, what th. What, what th. What, what th. What, what th. What, what th. What, what th. What, what th. What th. What th. What do, thi. What do, thi. It's the. What do, thi. What do, what do, thi. What do, what do, what do, what thi. What thin, horse. Just walking around the land. I come from the West Country and never heard anything like that. I just think of a big sort like orange carpet and there's got a rediffusion telly and this horse going on fell up in here. Exactly. This is really nice. I'm not taking the rubbish out again. Yeah. Right. Play a record. Let's have a velvet underground. We've got that man. Let's come back to the horse and a second. Little flowers in pot. What do you mean? Oh. And that classic first album Velvet Underground and Nico, which apparently peaked at a disappointing

171 in the US charts. Think of that. And that's obviously Louie developed underground and waiting for the man. Yeah, great track. So we were talking, we were doing white van man and we got on to genetically modified babies. And th. And th. And the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. their th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, tho, oh, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho. Oh, tho. Oh, thoo. Oh, thoo. Oh, tho. Oh, thooo. Oh, tho. Oh, tho. Oh, tho, thtrack. So we were talking, we were doing white van man and we got on to to genetically modified babies and then Carl started to tell a story about someone with a horse and then he got on to, he was trying to make money selling flowers. Just do the flowers. Well hang on I just want to recap slightly so there was a family and who had the horse in the family? It was because you lived on the estate in Manchester? So the the mother. So the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their house. So, so their, so their, so their, how how how how how how how how how how how how how their, how their, how their, how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how...... So, so the state, so the state, so the state, so the state, so their, how is is is their, how is their, how is their, how is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is their, how... So, how is their, how is their, how is their, how is the mother, the mother was a right pig, apparently. I don't know if that's relevant. You don't need to go that far. But what I'm trying to do is like make a picture for you so you understand. What did she look like? Who did she look like? Um, bit of her. I know this respect to her. Bit like Pauline Quirk.

Quirky, yep. I knew it was going to be Pauline. Did that thapapap. I thap. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that. that. that. tho. tho. that. What that. What tho. What tho. What tho tho tho tho tho. What th. What thage. What thage. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What. What th. What th. What th. What th. What the. What the. What the. What the. What thr. What thr. theea. thr. thr. thr-a. What thr-a. What thr-a. What thr-a. What thr that. I knew it was going to be important. Did you have any tats? Do you have any tats? I've never got that close to it. Okay, alright. And so who had the horse? Was this her son or her husband? No, her daughter? Her daughter had stolen a horse. Yeah, from, I don't know where they was, I thin, I think it was, I thin, they kept the horse in the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, their, their, their, their, their, their, and their, and their, and so. And their, and so. And, and so, and so, and so, and so, and so, and so, and so, and so, and so, and so, and so, and so, and so, and so, and, and, and, their, their, their, their, their, their, was, was, was, was, was, their, was, was, was, was, was, their, their, their daughter, their daughter, their daughter, their daughter, their daughter, their daughter, their daughter, their daughter, their daughter, their daughter, their, their, day and you saw the horse and what happened was I was um they did this thing at school about raising money for charity right for some local charity and they said you can do anything to raise money and they came out with all these ideas and I thought that's good. What was the charity? Well I don't know I thought forget the house. I said can I just take some snippings off them and I'll go in by some plastic cups and got some soil out of the garden, planted the bits of plants in them, got a tray, had about 25 plants on it, selling them for 25 pence each.

Excellent. Yeah, they saw loads. Did you just cut, he didn't just cut them and stick him in the soil? Yeah, they want to survive. Oh, but I think people sort of thought well good on him for trying. But anyway, so I went round to theirs because I thought their house could do with a better color and it was one of them houses where no carpet. Or a horse in the living room. You know, we all been there.

And the horse was walking around the living room. I look quite happy and everything because I always say that about animals. Black Beauty was on the little horse. Yeah. Yeah. Well think about it right. If you were, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you were, if you were, if you were, the the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the horse, the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the th. th. th. th. We were, th. We were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, the the the the the the the of hay or in like a house with a, you know, a three-piece suite? Telly and that. Telling that! No, but I was saying this the other day when I ended in a Tari.

Right? I was walking through London with Susan, right? And do you know how homeless people always have dogs? And she said, oh, I hope, I after it. I said, they've got, that dog is happier than most dogs. Right. Because people always walk past and give it a pat on the head. It's with its owner all the time. It's out in the open, it's not locked up in a house. Yeah, it doesn't mean.

It does eat though. alright for itself. Not many horses have got their own house. Exactly. But anyway, that's that's by the pie. Yeah, so anyway, this family who's a bit, what we're talking about, it was about cloning. Genetically modified kids and all that stuff, yeah. Right. Now what I'm saying is you could say, you know, right, Steve, you could have a baby, right? And Ricky could looks like that. Yeah. It could happen Rick. So come on work with him. So you take it to your doctors and I don't know what they do that they inject it with something or whatever. Yep, that's how it's done. Yeah. And get a little baby and there is it looks the same. Now the thing is you separate you both go off and do your own things. Right. Now you look at Steve, Stephen, this is you look after your baby. the, and the, th. And, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the, the, th. the, th. thi, thi, thi, thi, the, thi, their, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the thi, the the thi. So, they. So, they. So, they. So, they. So, they. So, they. So, they. So, they. So, the thi. So, th look at Stephen, this is, you look after your baby.

Yeah. You treat it well, you give it good food and that. Have a good day. All of vitamins and stuff. Yeah. Ricky just gives it cheese. Right? So then it changes its looks. It goes a bit fat. You know, it gets tired easily and that sort of thing. Now when this family... Why am I just feeding a horse in their house, they had a little baby and my man went round and said, you're not going to believe this, but it's a beautiful looking baby, right? Yeah. And I was like, well, you know. And the weird thing is, it was a good looking kid, but as time went on, they didn't really look after it, and I'm not saying like abusing it, but it used to run around to play to play to play to play to play to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their their, to, to, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the, tha, tha, tape, tape, tape, tape, tape, thaugh, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, they didn't really look after it. I'm not saying like abusing it, but it used to run around, it used to play out to like 10 at night. Yeah. It used to chase cars.

Right. It was a bit... Did it have hooves? Yeah, no, no. He used to chase cars? Right. What sort of kid? Oh, God! Was it called? Did it catch stick? It's Leon it was called, right? Right. Now, the weird thing is, it was a good-looking kid, but as time went on and all that like, not eating properly and its hair was all patchy. It's not Liam Gallagher, is it? And chasing cars on that, and it became an ugly kid. It's definitely Liam Galla. And that's what I'm saying, right thauauauauauauauauauauauauauauauauauauauauauauau. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that that that that that that that that that that that that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's not. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the the thi. the the the thi. thia. thia. thoooooooooooooooooo' that that that that's that's that's that's that's. And that's what I'm saying, right? You can clone all you like, but at the end of the day, is how you brought up. Brilliant.

Wow! That was a hell of a point. Oh, God! But am I right? Oh, you're always right, this is Carl, the producer of Ricky Duvay and Stephen Merchant on XFM, 104.9. We're playing out some of the best bits, hope you're enjoying it. Here's another one. And now it's Carl's, it's the re-education of Carl. He's like Lyser Do Little. And now he's coming, or Lawn Moer Man man if you've seen that film more like lawnmower man if you've seen the film you know what I mean and

his homework was to just study quotes really on on happiness and stuff in general well-being he's not a big happiness quote fan I is Carl not really so what have you done you've do come up with something I've told you right yeah I told you are right because a lot of these are just things you say every day, they're nothing special. So what I'm doing... Well you say them every day? Well the sort of things you come out with and you don't even think about it, do you know what I mean? They're on the TV all the time, people on the radio are saying these sort of little quotes and what I've th. and what I I I I I I I I I I've th. And what I've th. And what I've th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. And what I've th. And what I've th. What I've th. What I've th. What I've th. What I've that that th. What I've th. What I'm what I'm what I'm what I'm what I'm what I'm what I'm what I'm what I'm what I'm what I'm what I'm what I'm what I'm what I'm what I'm what I'm what I'm what I'm what I'm what I th. th. th. th. What I th. What I th. What I th. What I th. What I th. What I th. What I'm what I'm what I'm what I'm th. What I'm th. What I'm th. What I'm th. What I'm th. What I'm th. What I'm th. What I'm th. What I'm th. What I'm th. What I'm th. What I'm th. What I all all that what I've done I've um imagine if that was the pitch for the show DHL4 is just gonna get a posh kid on a door or something yeah yeah come in yeah TV producer yeah go on so what I've done this little book of quotes

happiness quotes I've um I've picked two that are real, okay. And I've made one up, all right? And we've got a guess. And you've got a guess. Okay, go on. I'll tell you what, why don't we, when we've heard them, we won't confer, no. You'll write down yours, A, B or C, and I'll write down doesn't mean I'm actually reading. No, no, no, no, we know, we can't see. I feel like, call my bluff. Yeah, go on and. Nothing is worth more than this day. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, all right. Yeah. The way I see it. Oh, oh God, my head's gonna burst. No, hang on. My head's gonna burst. No, it might not be.

How do you know I haven't tweaked them a little bit? Yeah, good point. Good point, no, good point. The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you've got up with the rain. Yeah, okay. All right, yeah. Okay, alright, yeah Okay, no It's not here Come on

Cat food Cat food, come on who stinks of it But if you don't put up with a smell the little kitten will die thee Steve, I don't know what to say I don't know what to, I don't know what to say. I don't know what to say. Imagine they're faking it. Imagine their faces when he says that and they're going, oh my God.

Carl, play a song mate. We'll have to confer on this one. Go on in. All right. First one, nothing is worth more than this day. Excellent, next one. What does that mean? Well, cherish now, cherish your time.

Because you can't get it back and you know, I swear I saw it. Carpe d and whatever it is, seize the day and all that. Okay. If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain. Yeah, of course. Yeah, rough with the rainbow you've got to put up with the rain. Yeah of course yeah rough with the smooth you know it's not all plain talin but you know rainbow is beautiful but it comes because of the rain which you might not like so yeah make the most of everything and yeah good. Cat food doesn't smell good but if you don't

put up with it then the little kitten will die. Right, no Carl, that is a good effort. Now that one's yours, I mean obviously, right? Right? No, no, but it's a good, no, but it's a good. thoubyshap, right? I mean it slipped's very similar to the putting up with the rain and the rainbow but that's why do you think that well what what does mine mean well even well even though it smells bad it's good for something right so I didn't look at it like what did you look at I I kind of thought was yours more specifically about cat food, generally? Because you know normally they like, it's an analogy. Yeah, or a metaphor for something, you know, most people.

Well, no, the way I went to say... Dolly Parton who I think did the rainbow rain thing. She wasn't specifically concerned about weather conditions. No. It was a sort of general idea. Yeah, well that's what I've that's what, that's what, that's what, that's, that's, that's what, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that, that's, that's, that, that, that, that, their. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. Yeah, their. Yeah, their. Yeah, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, an everyday thing and put it with today's problems, right? So like, my girlfriend, yeah, she might like to go shopping for clothes. I hate it. Right. But because I love her, I put up with it. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. So you love that little curtain. You can't stand the smell of stuff you've got to feed it. But because you love it, you go, well, you know, I'll put it with this

just for a few minutes and then I can like squeeze its head later and give it a little... Sorry? Squeeze its little head. Yeah, that's just the thing I do. Put it in a bag and drone it in a lake. the wall. threeree. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that's, that's, that's, you're, you're, you th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. you you. you. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tha. that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, thoooooooooooooooooooo. You. the the the I can throw it across the wall. So you didn't see it like that did you? No that's very good so it's about love is it? It's about putting up with the bad things for something you love? Yeah. Well that's nice thing that's very. But that the thing. But that man in Forest Gump he was a bit of a nutter. That you've triced us and that you you you that you that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that you're that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that you that you that you're that you're that you're that you're that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thoooooo' thoo. tho. that's th. th not though. I mean look, that man in Forrest Gump, he was a bit of a nutter. A bit of a nutter. And he came up with a life as a box of chocolates thing. Now, if that was in this book, you say, oh yeah, brilliant, you know, a good bit of work. But if he was sat here doing the show with you, you'd be taking the Mickey out of him. Sometimes I feel he is. Oh, I could, I could, in fact, if people are out there, we're too lazy, could you write down everything Carl's ever said?

Because I think we could publish that. He said one today, he saw my Salamander, it's not an euphemism, he saw my Salamander and it's just sitting there and the tank. Your exotic pet? Yeah, and he's worried about that not being lid on. He said it sits there for 24 hours a day, obviously planning to get out. Well, he's got nothing else on its mind, and the daft thing is, he has actually got the lid ripped up a little bit. And he'll be looking up there, he's going to get out.

But what's the worst that could happen? What's it thinking? What do you think it's thinking, this salamander? It's got his eye on the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th on thine on thine on thi on thi on thi thi thi thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thiol-a' thi-a' thi, thi' thi' thi' thi' thi' thi' thi' thi' thi' thi' thi' thi' thi' thi. I can have eaten me down the market. Yeah. I know. Six. Class.

Class. Claha. I love it. I love it. I love it. I know. I know. But my mouth was full of Maryland cookies.

Yeah. You know, last week. Oh, this would blow your mind. He came in. you know what he bought for himself, about 10, penguins. He buys penguins still? Or wagon wheels. Oh, I've never liked wagon wheels. You know what I'm thin? No, no, but I was sorry about that, it's the Clash and Rock the Casba. Talking about records, I told you that that time my brother-in-in, th-in, th-in, th-in, th-in, th-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in'-in'-in'-in'-in'-in'-in'-in'-in'-in'-in'-in'-a-a-in'-a-a-wi-a-a-in'-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a, he thin'a, he thin'a, he thin'a, he thin'a, he thin'a, he thin, he thin'-a, he thin'-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-wi-wi-wi-wi-wi-wi-wi-wi-wi-wi-wi-winsuuuuuuuuuui-winsuuuuuuuuui-wysys'-wys'-wins, thin, thin, thin, was moving out of his place, I think moving him to my sister,

and I was about like, I don't know, 13, and so he was about 30, and I'm moving it, and he brought around all his records when he was storage to leave him at our house, and he had all these old records, 50s and 60s records, no, I was there, and they put him upstairs, and I was looking through them and it's just all like Elvis stuff and Beatle stuff and there was a mate of mine who loved Alvis okay and he had loads of chemicals yeah he had loads of chemicals and I had loads of chemicals and he said let's swap me some chemicals thrown so I sort of nicked about five Alvis singles and I got all these

chemicals and and then the guilt just hit me I just thought well he's gonna notice that and I just I one night I just came downstairs and I confessed to my mom and she went all right well I won't tell him but you've got to be good and it's sort of like I was just really really good for a year and then I remember when I was about 18 my brother was talking about it and he said did you ever play those records I left for you? Brilliant. He told me mum, he said these are for Ricky. She just didn't tell me. She was shark, wouldn't she? She, she, you, opportunism there.

Oh, that's genius. And that was it. That's why I was good. But you've never, you've never stolen anything since have you? No I don't, I don except that spate of shoplifting after that to teach your mother lesson. Yeah yeah yeah well I went around and arson. No no I did I just couldn't believe it I just oh it was great I remember I think all kids go through a phase of shoplifting well and when I was going through it I used to just just just things, just like magic markers and magazines, Mars bars, that sort of thing. And one day, right, my mate, Anthony, his ma'am called up my mom and said I've got to meet with you, I've got to have a word with you. And she said, what about, she said I don't want to talk about over the phone. So she goes, oh right, well, yeah come come, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, th. th. th. Just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, I've just, I've just, I've just, I've just, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. togu. t. t. togu. t. t. t t. t said, I don't want to talk about over the phone. So she goes, oh right, yeah, come around tonight then. So anyway, my ma'am sees me, she doesn't

want to be in an awkward position and be a bit embarrassed and what have you. So she sees me and she goes, right, answer these mams coming around, what have you been doing? So I go, oh God, I've been nicking stuff. So she goes like what? Not big stuff. I've had a few calculators and Mars bars and stuff. How many? I'll just work it out. Hold on. Works out at 7.2 per day. So, um...

How many calculators do you need? So it was when that phase... You failed math. Everyone wanted a calculator. It was like a trendy thing. th. When that phase, you failed maths, didn't it? Everyone wanted a calculator, it was like a trendy thing, wasn't it? Oh yeah. In Manchester a couple years ago, yeah. So, uh, so anyway, so I told her all this and I confessed to all this stuff, I confessed,

and I told her all this stuff, and I confessed to Nick and I wanted to borrow some money. Brilliant. She said, oh, I don't like, I th I th I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thi's, I thi's, I thi's, I thi's, I thi's, I thi's, I th. th. th. th. tho, that's, that, that, that, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that, th. I'd, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, I'd, that's, that, that, that, that, that, that. that. that. that. that. that. theea. thoooed. thea. thoed. thoed. thoed,, I don't like asking, I was a bit embarrassed to ask you over the phone, but can I borrow 20 quid? Oh, that's fantastic. And there's me. That's great. And it's same sort of thing to yours.

And he went, hold on, mom, let's just work out the interest on that. I'm saying, you know, you, 4 pounds 40. was a loan shark. Did she mention that you think that you're thinking stuff with that other, because what I'm saying is presumably you got your mate in trouble? No, no, no, no, that's great. Anyway, should we have some more music? What are you going to play, Carl? We've got the Cooper Temple Claus, oh brilliant. Please Cooper Temple Clause, who need enemies? Good question, lads, nobody.

This is XFM, 104. I'm Ricky Javais. Oh, they should print a little book of those. They're great. Oh, how you can relate any song or artist to anything else. Easy. Easy. Easy, easy. Well yeah, so me and me and Carl went out for a beer and it was great wasn't it? Yeah, he started off and you met my mate, Robin, didn't you?

And some of the stories, do you want to tell Steve some things about Robin? Do you know him well? Yes. Well, do you know about his worm problem as a kid? Go on. Right? What I can remember is he had worms as a kid. Not sure how you get him, he never answered me, he was getting a bit touchy about it. This is like the second time I met him. I think he was a bit annoyed that Ricky told me about his problem. What now, now, straightaway, you not being there, instinctively, what do you think went on with on on on on on on on on on on on on the the th. th. thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thin, thin, thin, their, he's, their, their, their, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he. He???. He. He. He. He?. He. He?. He?. He. He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he. He, their?. He, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thin, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, woomome. their, woomomorrow, their, their, the instinctively, what do you think went on with this story about work? My suspicion is rather like when you told a group of people that Robin had once suckled milk from a cow's udder.

Yeah, did you mention that as well? My suspicion is that like the cow story, the worm story is not true. But why would he get so sort of upty about it? Well imagine if he did that every every, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, the the the the the the the woe, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, the the the the the the the the the the the the the th, the woe, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, the woe, the woe, the woe, the woe, the woe, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th......... When, th. When, the th. When, th. When, th. When, the th. th. th. th. to to to told, to told to told to to told told told told told told told told told told told told told told the that wasn't the first time he'd done it. Imagine if he did that every single time he was with somebody for the first time and Robin was just met them. He tells that he will tell that story to anyone. But they do say there's no smoke without fire. For Robin I also told him that the way Robin cured these worms was because the doctor told his mother, right, to hold a piece of ham or cheese near Robin's anus so the worms would come out for the food and he believed it. I tell you why though. I said Robin used to sit on spam to try and

get the worms out and he believed it. But Steve, right, do you remember that story about three or four years ago where there was some th. th. th. th. th. th. th. And th. A th. A th. A th. th. th. thin, thin, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the way, the way, the, the way, the way, the way, the way, the way, the way, the way, the way, the way, the way, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, they.. So, they. And, they. And, the, the, the, the, the, the. the. toe. toe. toean, toean, toe. toe. toe. told, toe. toe. told, told, told, their, their, their, that story about three or four years ago where there was some bloke in the army, he went away to somewhere, Vietnam or whatever, he was messing about in the woods. Um, missing about in the woods? Shouldn't he have been fighting? Whatever, right? And he walked through some lake and I think he'd cut his toe or something on something. And some worm, some sort, crawled in the gash. And it was it, the, the, the, the, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thr, thr, th. throw, tho, tho, the, the, the, throw, throw, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, th. He. He. He. He was, too, too, too, too, too, too. We we were, too. Wea, too. Wea, too. Wea, too. He was, they. He was, their, the gash. Yeah. And it was in his body and the doctor said we've got to get this out of your body. So what they did was they said right the thinest part of your body that things can crawl through is on the top of your head. So they

wrapped some bacon. So they wrapped some bacon. No they didn't. He did. Because that's that point. So what we do is the is I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I the the the the the the the the the the the the they they they're the they're they're they're the they're the the the the they the th. So th. So they they th. So th. So the. So they they they they their they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're their their their their their their tape. So. So. So. So tape. So. So tape. tape. So tape. So the the their the. So. So. So they they they they they they they didn't! He did. Ah! All right, so he's gone in via the toe. So what we do is, I'll tell you what, that worm's probably heading straight for the head. We've put a bit of bacon on it. The thinest part of the body, the skull, of course it's not the thinest part of the body. It's where your brain cases, isn't it? There was the the the like they stuck some bacon on his head. As ever the vital piece of information, i.e. the reason, Carl seems to have forgotten. Because the worm was in his body and they said everyone likes to smell a bacon.

Oh, including a worm. Even a Vietnamese like worm. They said, they, they, oh they love bacon. Remember last week when I said about the little fellow with the bone in o' brain. Oh, including worms. Even a Vietnamese lake worm. They, they, they, they, oh they love bacon. Remember last week when I said about the little fella with the bone with the bone with no brain and you were proved wrong? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We were saying it was a stillborn child. It wasn't a little fella. You're changing it now. You weren't having any of it last thing. Right, hang on a minute, let's just, I'm getting confused. There was a Vietnamese, there wasn't a Vietnamese snake that went inside of a soldier. A little white maggot or some sort, like you have to get out of your body because it

causes problems. Yes, and so in order to get it out of the body, they scrapped bacon to his head. That is great. This doctor? Did the worm or the bloke? The bloke. Honestly, I hope someone knows a story. Right. It was about three years ago, I reckon. And yeah, it did work.

So this is why I, I, I, I, well, the worm, borrowed out of his head to get the bacon. Right. That's great. So this is why when Robin was telling his story I was a little bit disappointed if it wasn't true. Right. Because in a way... You know Robin's never been interviewed that? No, but what I would do you really think that Robin, as Robin said at the time, Carl, why would I sit on ham then tell Ricky Javais? It's a very good point. Because if he was a kid, you do have things like that as a kid. Right. It's the telling Ricky Jovees though. Yeah. And then, oh, bless him.

And then anyway, then Robin left a few points and then Carl embarked on some of the greatest stories ever told of you can you tell the story about your dad let me run it but I haven't spoke to him all week so let me run it dying okay play record what we got we've got one of Steve's yeah well bizarre enough this comes from the teachers to the teachers to the soundtrack to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the too too too too too too to to to too too too to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the toe. toe. toe. the toe. the toe, the soundtrack to the current TV series. There's a slight whiff of nepotism in the air. Rick, would you like to explain why? Well that's why you're doing it. My girlfriend worked on it.

But you were going to play this anyway, weren't you? Well I was, I was, bizarrely enough. I was, bizarrely, and I was going to say, the Teacherteacher's soundtrack that it's also got I noticed the electric soft parade the hives star sailor feeder truin breaks smoky rev on there it's a good little collection lovely Carl I was just had confirmation he's looking smart because someone phoned up and went it is true it's a lougai chie worm and you're at bacon on your head

that's all the bloke new as well yeah and his and his and his the that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's all the bloke that's that's all that's all the bloke that's all the bloke that's all the bloke that's all that's all that's all the bloke. that's all the bloke new as well. Yeah. And his name was Gary. Yeah. So I'm not having it. No. And he said, he said, see, that's why the Robin thing isn't so weird. He said, but when you said he tried it with cheese, he said I was having none of it. He's got standard. Yes. Strokes. Hard to explain. Like Carl. told. Strang. So we'll leave the worm. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. Stroke the th. S strokes. S strokes. Stroke. Stroke. Strok. Strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. Strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. Strokes. Strokes. Strokes. Strokes. Strokes. Strokes. Strokes. Strokes. Strokes. Strokes. Strokes. Strokes. Strokes. Strokes. Strokes. Strokes. Strokes. Strokes. Strokes. Strokes. Strokes. Strokes. Strok. Strok. Strok. Strok. Strok. Strok. Strok. Strok. Strok. Strok. Strok. Strokes. Strok. Strokes. Strokes. Strokes. Strokes. St. S. S. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. S strokes. St. S strokes. S strokes. Stokes. S strokes. St. S strokes. S strokes. S Carl, really? Yes. Yes. So, Carl, concentrate. So we'll leave the worm with a bacon rat round the head, shall we? Well, if you're ever caught in the jungle. Yeah, always carry some...

Better Danish. Lovely. So, would you like to start on your... To Steve, because I've heard all these. Well, we won't do them all. Well, we'll start, we'll start, we'll start, we'll start, the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the th. th. to start. to start. to Steve because I've heard all these. We won't do them all. Well, we'll start off with the Mr. Freese. Tell Steve the story of Mr. Fries. This is the first time he nearly died. This is the most serious of the lot, really.

So what it was, do you know, I don't know if your mom and dad did the same thing, but like, they'd do the weekly shopping on like a Friday. So when you got to Thursday they wouldn't be much stuff left in the cupboard it'd just be like you know you're Jacob's crackers and stuff like that. So when they'd when they'd been to the supermarket and he came back I was like you know what's that saying like a pig in you know I loved it was like loads of food coming in loads of biscuits. He nearly said pig and shit right. It's not the saying yeah right so um so yeah th th th th th th th the th th th th th th th th so yeah th so yeah th so yeah th th so yeah th so yeah th so yeah th so yeah th so yeah th so yeah th so yeah th so yeah th th th the th the the the th. the the the the tho the the tho tho tho tho tho. tho. tho. tho. th. th. th. I was like th. I was like th. I was like th. I was like th. I th. I they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're th. they're thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi theeeeeeeea thea' thea' thea' they're thea' thea' thea' they're they're the saying? Yeah. Right. So yeah, all this food comes in. Like God he didn't. Otherwise he's been in trouble. That's true enough. Because he's culpable for our actions. Exactly. So that twats in charge. Go on. Right. So anyway, so there's loads of food. Oh yeah, look at this and chocolate biscuits and uh, you know, the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. that's tho tho tho tho thattha. thattha. tho tho that thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. thi. thi. thi. thee. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea'' thea' thea' thea' that that that that thi, you know, penguins and stuff. Bacon.

So, I'm bacon. Just in case, you never know. So, um, so anyway, my mom and dad's putting the food away. Me and our kid are like, he's already grabbed something gone back upstairs. It's like feral children. Isn't it? It's like a quest for fire. And then they ran upstairs.

What did you sit under, the the nawing at some sort of pig's trotter? So I saw, do you remember Mr. Freeze pops? I do, yeah. So they're kind of like popsicles, icicles, but really long, like a foot long, right? So I thought I'll have one of them, so I grabbed it. Went for the nutritious stuff first. Absolutely. And like my mom dad are putting the stuff away and what the stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff, thapapapapapapapap stuff, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, that, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, th, th, th. the, th. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, they. the, they. they. they. thi, thi, thi, thoops, thoops, thoops, thoops, thoops, thoops, thoops, thoops, thoops, thops, like swallow it but it went down the wrong way right so I was like oh god I can't breathe and my mom dad didn't even know what I'd hett you know I

went it so quick yeah and I'm sort of tapping my mom on the back going she's gonna oh god you know he's choking again because I was always choking you know it's one thing I don't if I've got like a small throat but I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm so the I'm so the I'm so the I'm so the I'm so the I'm so the I'm so the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th th th th th the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the on the back going, and she's going, oh God, you know, he's choking again because I was always choking. If it was one thing, I don't ever got like a small throat. But I mean, even Ricky knows, I can't drink that much, can't I? Do you know know? Or eat pebbles? I'm not a quick drinker. I'd always, I'm always, I'm always, I'm a quick drink and I'd always, I think. I'm th. I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm s scared, I'm s scared, I'm, I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm s scared, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm thi, I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. I'm thi, I'm thi, I imperials and stuff. I was always choking on stuff. So anyway she's going, oh God, what's he picked up on it now? Drop it. Drop it. So I was going, I'm choking.

At this point, my dad had like, I think he'd put his share away, you know his food away and he'd gone to watch like, winner takes all or whatever. I thinn' a lounge. I, like, like, like, like, like, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was think, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was, I was, I was, I was, like, like, like, like, like, like, I was, like, like, I was, like, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was think, I was think, I was think, I was think, I was like, I was think, I was like, I think, I'm th. th. think, I'm th. think, I'm think, I'm think, I'm think, I'm think, I'm think, I'm think, I'm away and he'd gone to watch, like, winner takes all or whatever in a lounge. And I was in the kitchen and I was starting to like, just, I didn't care anymore, do you know what I mean? I hadn't, I just got to that point where I wasn't struggling anymore. You just thought I'm done for. I just was like falling to the ground. And my mom's going, you know, getting here, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, th. th. And, th. And, th. And, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. th. the. the. the. the. the getting here, I think it's serious. My dad comes in and sort of start shouting at me saying that's what you get for being greedy. He didn't even know what I'd eaten. Well, it was the moment to teach you a lesson, certainly. So he's there like that, and my mom's going, oh look at him.

And my lips were going to that fireman thing. The homelieit maneuver. Yeah. And you know winded me and it came up and I was all right. What the whole popsicle came flying back out? I don't, you see that's what I don't understand? Because there was nothing there. No, it just a little bit, no it swells up doesn't it, because it irritated it so you sort of like your epiolotter, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, to, to, thue, thue, to, thue, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, thi, thi, thi, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th......... And, th.. And, th. And, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. W. W. thi. W. thi. W. thi. thi. thi. W. thi. And, the, thi, thi your throat and it sort of spasms and that's the fear you just got to calm it down and relax. So in time I would have, yeah, well no you might have.

So that's why. But that's why. But the weird thing is like for like three days after that I felt like a sort of a special person. I was a special the. A special needs person. I went to school. I did full days. I did a special needs person. I went to school the next three days after that. I didn't like wag it or anything. I did full days. I did after three days you thought screw it. Yeah, did a quick history exam. Right, next one. That's popsicle hell we call that right next one which one's the next one oh what about your paper round right the paper round

I'd still say it's the best job I've ever had I means it no I really enjoyed it it's like you know you don't have to work with anyone else, right? So you make your own rules. Just think of that. You know, you sort of around... You're spreading information? Well, yeah. You're giving a service.

And no one else is around, you know, you can just do what you want and think about stuff while you're cycling around on your bike. Yeah. So, um, so anyway, imagine the stuff he's stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff he's stuff he's stuff he's stuff he's stuff he's stuff he's stuff he's stuff he's stuff he's stuff th. thi stuff, thi stuff, thi stuff, th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. to to to to to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's th. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's to to to to to to to thi. thi. thi. thi. th's really good. So anyway. Imagine the stuff he's thinking about when he's riding around the boat. I can't get in ahead of a salamander. So anyway, I loved it and even though I only got like 50 P a day, right, no matter what the weather was like and stuff, he used to get up half past four and go and do the round and um... Why did you get up half past four? And um... Why did you get up half past four? Why? Why the the the the the the the the the the the the the round? the the the the the the the the the the the th. And th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, and th. Oh, and th. Oh, and th. Oh, and th. Oh, and th. Oh, and th. Oh, and th. Oh, and th. Oh, and, and, and, and, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, and th Pink Panther at 530. So I wanted to get me paper round done. I said, why didn't you watch the Pink Panther? And then did the moon?

He went, oh, I can't sit there thinking I got on my paper round to do. You'll ruin it for him. Yeah, so is it a good job or not? So, the four-thirty I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the went to bed, she said, don't be getting up tomorrow. I'll give you the 50P. I said, it's not about the 50P. So, you know, people want the papers and stuff. So, um, so anyway, I went to bed thinking, you know, that's it. I've told her I'm still going. I'm told their I'm still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still going. I'm still still going. I'm still going. I'm still their I'm still their I'm still their I'm still I'm still I'm still I'm still I'm still their I'm still their I'm still I'm still I'm still I'm still I'm still I'm still I'm still I'm still I'm still I'm still I'm still I'm still I'm still I'm still I'm still I'm still I'm still I'm still I'm still I'm still their I'm still their I'm still their I'm still their I'm still their I'm still their I'm still their I'm still their I'm still their their I'm still their I'm still their I'm still their I'm still their their their their their their. their their their their. their their their. their their their their their their. I'm still. I'm still. I'm still. their the in the morning and put all my kit on and I used to have layers of clothing on because it was really cold. They had like a big anarac on with the fur on, had like waterproof pants and I got my paper round bag and I went downstairs to get out and tried to open the door and it was locked. So I thought oh God, you know I've got the papers to do so I thought oh shed so I'd locked it so I couldn't go out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out so I'm the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th so I'm th so I'm the the the the the the the the the tho' their. So I'm their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thoes. I'm thus. I'm the. I'm thea' thruoooooooooooooomoombsea'eckeckeckeckereeckeree. I'n'n'n'e. I'm th the. I'm somewhere. I thought, oh God, you know, I've got the papers to do. So I thought, how can I get out of the bathroom window?

God! Right? And to try and jump out of the bathroom window onto the porch. But the problem was, I had so much gear on, I was like the mitchling man. So I could hardly move as it is. And I'm try try to try to try to to to to try to the to the to the try, I'm trying try try try try try try try try try try try to the to try to try to try the to try their, I'm to to try their to to to their, I'm going, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, the, tom.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e. C. I'm, t.e. I'm, try, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, is. And I'm trying to get out of the window and I'm like, try to stretch down like that, get my foot on the porch. And my bag got caught on like the hook of, do you know like how you have a hook so you can put the window open? Right, yeah.

The little arm goes on that. So I'm stuck there. Dangling. Dangling. My dad comes back from working nights. Yeah. He thinks I'm a burglar. He thinks I'm a burglar. He had to help me using a washing prop thing.

So he's shouting and stuff. that, that's the trick in Manchester before. He had to help me using a washing prop thing, a big stick. What did he do? Well he said just that hold on for your dear life and I'll sort of push the paper bag off the hook. Why didn't he go upstairs and saw it out? Why didn't he go upstairs, and then? It was nothing you know what? the to'er. knows what might have happened. You know what I mean? You've got a act there and then don't listen around. Yeah, yeah. So you could hear downstairs now here he is the pink panther. Dad! Hurry up! Air was so pink. So that was close to death because I must have been about 30 foot in the air. So it's quite a long story short he gave me about four or five near to the experiences and he and he and he and whole point of this, he went, so that's why I think I'm going to die of something horrible

like cancer. And I went, why? He went, right, you ready for this? He said, well I don't check my balls. Right? He said, I don't like the feel. Ha ha ha ha! Carl always check your balls. Do you check your feel? Why don't? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why, the feel? Why, the feel? Why? Why? Why? Why? I? Why, the feel? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why, I? Why, I? Why, I? Why, I don't? Why, I don't, th? Why, th? Why, th? Why, th? Why, th? Why, th? Why, I don't? Why, I? Why, I? Why, I? Why, I? feel. I don't like the feel. I don't like the feel. Carl, always check your balls. Do you check your all? Why don't you like the feel? Of your own balls? They just, I mean you know that I don't like bodies anyway. Right? Do you know what I mean? It worries me a bit that you've got all that going on in your body. in place. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. We're going down a whole other avenue discussion.

Let's play a track, let's come back to it. All right, this is Carl, the producer of Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant on XFM, 104.9. We're playing out some of the best bits, so I hope you're enjoying it. Here's another one. His homework was to call it one of those stupid lateral thinking problems. We maybe should give an example of the... Oh, Romeo and Juliet's asleep on the bed, Juliet's on the floor covered in water and broken glass, what happened? And you ask all these stupid questions, and it's, Romeo's a cat and Juliet's a goldfish. Again, what am I thinking? Yeah. Come on then, Carl. Right. Yeah. There's a bloke

lying on the floor, right? It's cut his head, blood's coming out of his head, and all his mates come running up and they're all stood around him. And the don't take their att's off to as a mark of respect. That's outrageous. Why didn't they take their tas off? I'm laughing. But it's probably as good as the real one. A bloke's falling with his... Yeah. He's lying on the floor.

Was it important that his head was cut? Um, I don't know. I'm... Would it be okay if he'd been wearing a hat? He wouldn't have been wearing a hat? He wouldn't have been dead if he was wearing a hat. What? What? What's your answer? No? You meant to answer a question. Why didn't they take their hats off? Because they're probably stood on the motorbikes or something or... Well yeah, but if you'd mark a respect to someone, you could take your helmet off.

I'm getting angry! What are they? They're parachutists? Why can't they? Why can't they they look down and see him on the floor. Are they on the floor? They're on the floor, are they? Yeah, well, they sort of stood there looking at him. They're stood there. They're stood there. They're soldiers. Why?

But why? Because it might be in a battle zone. They might have their armets on. And he's been shot in the head in the trenches and they're looking at him and they keep their helmets on? I just don't think it matters as much. If they're in the trench they're already guarded a little bit so they could tell their hats off it's the best mate for God's they're.... It's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's their their their their their they's their they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they're they're they're they're they're they're their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their they normal hats? What kind of hats are they? No! Don't get ratty! What kind of hats are they? Baseball hat? Is it their hat? You're have the answer. Whoa! Okay, I've got to guess what sort of a hat it is then, have I? Right.

Is it a trilby? No. Is it a baller? I know what it is? What? They're a baller. theynip Oh. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. their. their. their. their. their. th. their. they're they're they're they're they are. What is. What is. What is. What is. What is. What is. What is. What is. What is. they are. they are. they are. they are. they are. Is they are. Is they are. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. It is? Is. It is? Is. It is? Is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It's. It's. their? What is. I. I. It is. I. I. I. I. It is. I. I. What is. I. What is. What is. What is. this is my point. I like that one. It works. It's fallen on the moon and there are not the moon happened. It was Yeah, that was all fake. Yeah, yeah Okay, Carl. What's your answer? Builders on a building site. Why is that different to soldiers? Because bricks don't fall in wars But bullets fly? Let's play a record and we'll come back to it, Carl, while you think about what you've done. Oh yeah. You've embarrassed yourself.

Let's play some classic Swade. Yeah, and this is for David and Kierin I think who wanted a bit of a bit of butler. F.Fm. 104. I'm looking at obacco base with me, Steve Merced and Carl Pilkington, Steve. Well, we were talking about the news just now, and there was a story I heard in the week. I think it was on the radio and I don't know all the details, but what I heard was that a number of, I think, it was Falkland, maybe Gulf War, veterans, were I think suing or complaining to the government because they want the compensation their their their their their compensation compensation compensation compensation compensation compensation compensation compensation compensation compensation compensation compensation compensation compensation compensation compensation compensation to compensation to compensation to compensation to compensation to compensation but it seems to me that if you're in the army and you're a soldier a certain degree of trauma is kind of inevitable. I mean after all if you're any good at your job you are

going to see people getting killed so I don't understand what the internet are I don't know why. Nobody's not going to go all right. Well not really no go on what's, what's the matter? Well, if you, there was people shooting at us and everything that was all muddy, well come down, don't cry, well I'll walk. There was a drill sergeant just kept showing, look at you stupid boy, where's this gun's not been, I just cleaned the gun, and it was fine and now he's telling me to clean it again. Yeah, the boots, they was, they was, they was, that, that, that, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was all, that was all, that was all, that was all, that was all, that was all, that was all, that was all, that was all, that was all, that was all, that was all, that was all, that was all, that was all, that was all, that was all, well, well, well, well, well, that was all, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, that was all, well, well, that was all, well, well, well, that was all, well, that was all, well, well, well, that was all, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, it was all, it was all, it was all, it was all, it was all, it was all, it was all, it was, th. There, th. There, th. There was, thin, th. Well, th. Well, you don't know what they you know I don't know what the internates of it are but um is it what you got to do is make sure you know what you're going into that's what I do you got to check the small print so if I was you know going over to like the Falklands or you know the golfs I'd put man or go will wirown will thrown I go right I'm you th th th th th th thu thu thu thu thu thu will thu will thu will thu will thu will thu will thu will thu will thu will thu will thu will thu will thu will thu will th thu will th th thu will the the thu will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thu will thu will thu will thu will thu will thu will thu thu thu thu thooooooo thu will thoooooooo will the will the will the will the will it will be horrible. They will be shooting and lots of death and I go, right, I'm not going to go, okay then. That should be fine, yeah.

Just be fine, yeah, just like that. Does anyone else scared about this? Uh, pretty much all of us. Okay, then what we won't send anyone? My brother went into the army, right? Because he couldn't get a job by such a day?that's it so you're going in the army. When was the Falklands was it about 81? Right and he joined back in like 81 or something and I don't know he's an older shot or something oh yeah and he wrote

back to my mom saying you know a bad time to join bad time in this so she wrote. What bad to join that's so sweet that's that's that's that's so that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's the the that's the that's the that's the the that's the the that's that's th. Oh that's that's they. Oh that's that's that's that's that's that's that's they. I they. I they. I's they. I's they. I they. I the the the the the the the the the that's the the the that's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I the the th. I th. I thi. I thi. I th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm that's. I'm that's. I that's. I that's thi. I you know a bad time to join bad time in this so she wrote. What bad to join that so sweet car isn't it? That's like dear dad yeah well done. I don't know if you've noticed yeah I was on the doll that's for sure thank you for joining a month before the Belgrano. Anyway go on my mom called up spoke to the sergeant and said, can you leave him out of this one? Can you leave him out of this one? What the Falkland War? He's only just joined and she called him Chuck, which he got done for. Like, she's one of them, I think it's a northern thing like, say, now are you Chuck? And she called the sergeant said to my brother, your mummue, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you, you know, you're, the the, th. I, th. I, th. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. to, the the. the. the. the the. Can, the the. Can, the the the, the. Can, the sergeant said to my brother, your mom, you know, she's called up and asked if you can not go,

which of course, you know, I mean, we'll see how it goes. But can you tell her? What, what do you mean? Why did the sergeant even entertain this? Well, Pilkinton, come here. Your mom's been giving me a bit of earache. Now listen, tell her, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, to, to, to, to, to, the, to, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the the the the the the, the the, the, the the, thoomorrow. the the they. they. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, thoomomomomomomomomomom. to, to, to, to, to. to. tooome. to. tooomorrow. tooomorrow. tooomorrow. thoomorrow. tooomorrow, tooomorrow, tooomorrow, tooomorrow, tooomorrow, tooomorrow, tooomorrow, tooomorrow, tooomorrow, the tooomorrow, tooomorrow, tooomorrow, tell her I've told you, but can you call her because she was really, she called me Chuck and everything. Can you call her and say you don't mind, well not be, oh please, because I've promised

her, say you want to go. No, please say you want to go. Why was he entertaining this phone? Because he was new to the army. Who? Who? No, me the sergeant? I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I mean. I mean. I mean. I mean. I mean. I mean. I mean. I mean. I mean. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'll. I'll. I'm. I'm. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. the. the. the. Oh, the. Oh, the. the. the. Oh. You can't do, but that's ludicrous. I love it though. We went over the top. Pilton, I've got a note, yeah. Is this really your mom? Yeah, okay, no, this seems to be in order.

Because I noticed it says, I do not want to go wrote this. Okay, you're going to have to fill envelopes. No, I'm sure if he was needed he would have had to go, but I think they made a bit of a special effort, they saw it at all. Well, it wasn't conscription anyway. Oh no, so where the other soldiers going around just going, just going to work? Wiltz. Bill Kent. No, wait a minute. he and he got kicked out for going for a packet of fags in a tank. What? Now wait a minute, do you mean he nipped down the shops in a tank? Yeah. I don't believe that car.

Honest the God, that and he went off with the sergeant's wife. So that didn't help and he ended up getting kicked out. Sorry, your brother's a genius. I love this. First of all, he gets a that that that th. That th. That th. That th. That th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. to thoe. to to thoe. to tho. that. to tho' tho' tho' tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. What, the. toe. toea. What, toea. What, toea. What, toea. What, toea. What's toea. What's toea. What tho. What's tho. genius. I love this, I love this. First of all, he gets a call from his mum, going let him off his guard. Then he goes, uh, where is, where's Pilkinton? His mom's on the phone. He's, where is he? Um, he's near your house,

near my house, well why is? No reason. Well, when he comes back, when he's finished, tell him him he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's the he's the the he's he's the he. thi. thi. the the thi. thi. thi. to to to to to tooing. tooing. tooing up. to. to. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. th th th th th th th th th th th th to to too too too too too th too th toe. toe. toe. can he get me a packet of hands tell him to walk this time this is ludicrous so the sergeant found out that he was sleeping with his wife yeah I don't know I mean I was did your mom phone out and say let him off let him off can he'd yeah yeah yeah that's fantastic but he misses it I'm I'm seeing him for about 11 years but ever since he came out he just kept getting into trouble and that. And the army, you know, people slag it off, but I think if you're a certain type of person, it's good for you. It didn't straight hear me. How to? He was going to have the shop? He was shag Has he got the wife? No. Has he got the crystal? I don't think he has. And he has got a series that I'm seeing for about

11 or 12 years. I haven't even spoken. It always starts off nice and funny and then they just leave me empty and slightly depressed. I don't know whether to hug him or shoot him but him to the misery. Can we take Carl to the, phone if I'm, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, ca, phone, phone, phone, phone, phone, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, ca, I, I, I, I'm they. I'm they. I'm they. I'm they, I'm they, I'm they, I'm the, I've the, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. I, I, I. I. I, I. I, I. I, I. I, I. I, I. I, I. I. I, I. I, I. I, I. I, I. I. I. I, I, I. I. I, I'm the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. So, I'm not the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th.the, phoning if you think I should take Carl to the vet and I've been put down, because it's just too stressful. This is what I'd like to leave you with, A Song for the Ladies, Startless on the Edge of Town from the Amazing Album of the Same Name, Springsteen. See you next week. Bye.