The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Xfm S2E41 (June 7, 2003)

Episode Date: September 4, 2022

With the second series of ‘’The Office’’ complete, Gervais, Merchant, and Pilkington returned to XFM in August of 2002 to resume their 2-hour Saturday afternoon broadcasts. Though Pilkington’s name was still not being used in promotional materials, the format mainly centered on his contributions with Gervais and Merchant mostly reacting to the various things Karl said and did, a format that would endure through the remainder of the radio broadcasts and podcasts, concluding in 2012.This was the longest stretch of XFM shows, running 51 weeks until August 2003 when Gervais and Merchant again went on hiatus, this time to record the Christmas Special (finale) for ‘’The Office’’.During the year, Pilkington introduced many of the show’s most notable segments including “ Monkey News”, “Rockbusters”, “Songs of Phrase”, and “The Film Thing”, among others. Karl grew increasingly frustrated with Ricky’s antagonism toward him throughout the year, and over the final few shows, suggested he did not want to continue on. Gervais and Merchant repeatedly said on air they would not return if Pilkington didn’t agree to remain with the show.

Well, I know that must be some people's favourite record, Steve. Well, it's certainly one of mine. Thunder Road, Bruce Springsteen. I wouldn't hear a bad word said against the boss. A lot of people dismiss him as you said in the past as being some kind of stadium rocker, but you can't listen to a song like that and not be moved, surely Carl. It's all right. It's's right. Certain songs are like that, that was all right.

It didn't sound anything. If it wasn't Bruce Springsteen, if someone knew came out, something like that, I'd go, yeah, it's it's all right. Do you know what I mean? You're a regular Simon Kowl, aren't you? I don't know if I like music as much as you the tho thua thus thus thus thus thus thus thus thus thus thus thus th to to th to to to to to to th th th thus th th thus that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th, th, if th, if th, if th, if th, if th, if th, if th, if th, if th, if th, if th, if th, if th, if th th, if th th th thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thou, if thin, thou, thin, thou, thou, thin, thou, thin, thou' that, thou' thin, thou' thin, if thou, if thin, if Danny Minogue was on the tele in the week. Is it like when you work in a Sweet Factory and you don't, you don't nick the Mars bars after a couple of months? Yeah. Yeah.

Danny Minogue was on the telly in the week, right? And uh, she was doing, doing a medley. Yeah. Why do people do them? We were to try and get all the hits hit hit hit full album or it's like a million pill form yeah well I like most of Danny Minogue's hits but I don't like the whole song yeah exactly so if you want to just like pop the best bits down 30 seconds put them all together yeah I've got a stars on 45 from the 70s do you remember those yeah yeah stars on 45 but it's like you say it was I I mean I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. th. th. th. that they the. they they're like like like they're like like they're like like they're like like they're like they're like they're like like they're like they're like they're like they'res. Do you remember those? Yeah. Stars on 45. But it started like you say, I mean this one had a kind of, it would be a snatch of Stevie Wonder, followed by

the mash theme, followed by Layla, just the intro. It's not music. It's just. Well we do a bit of that don't we that, that's what DJ and isn't? So what do you want to talk about today? Do you want to look at the list? Yeah well it's it's got described looks that's our list we've put. So this is a very amusing sort of link about describing you look? I don't know what's this? I don't remember this? No I just was thinking like you know everyone's got an idea in the red right of what? Well? Well. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to to to to th. It's got th. It's got th. It's got th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. th. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thi thi. It's got idea in their head, right? Well... Well... Well, careful, Carl. Don't open yourself up to criticism. Go on, yeah, everyone's got like, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Everyone's got an idea of what they look like and stuff.

Uh, if someone wanted to know what I look like or what I look like, or what you look like, thi that, yeah. What would you use to describe yourself? Do you know what I mean? Words. Not really, I don't understand what do you mean? Well like, uh... Someone who doesn't know us, we've got to describe and we've, what's the game to hopefully

get some sort of inter-personal language going, so you know they're the same image as you to a certain extent. I'm just thinking if I was to meet Steve in a restaurant right nothing untoward going on we're just hanging out I'm just having a chat just on a normal night out yeah yeah yeah yeah who's paying because I mean is it expensive go Dutch go Dutch I mean right so I say TTI I'll see our 8 right in this in this restaurant I turn up at the door it's a the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they they they they they the they the the they the they the the they the they the the they the they but but but but but i the the they is is is is is the the the the up at the door, it's a bit of a posh place, right? So he's Steve Merchantin, and the waiter sort of goes, I don't know, what does he look like? Right? And, uh, where is he from? Just a little French fella. Oh yeah.

And, uh, what's he look like? So I'd, the thing I'd pick up on first, tall lad. Tall, tall, yeah. And he he he he he he he he he he he. And he. And he. And he. And he. And he. And he. And he. And he. And he he. And he the the the the the the th, th, the th, the th, th, th. th. the th. th, th, th, th, the the th, what, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, the the th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thi, I thi. I the. I tha. I tha. I tha. I the. I tha. the. I the. I tha. I tha, I tha, I th lad, and then he goes, oh you know we got lots of tall people in, right? And I go, big eyes? Big eyes? And then he'd go, yeah, he's over there. I'm blessed with you. I mean, you can have dinner and you can buy me dinner. I'm not sure you're going to get anywhere with me.

You're slagging me off. No, no, I'm not slagging th. using using what comes to mind when it's here. And can I just can I assume that they know like could I say like easiest for me would I'd say looks like Reg Varni from on the buses would they understand that can I use sort of like kick references? Yeah it's 30 odd this this waiter so he'll so I'll oh yes as a regvani is sitting over there yeah so he went German towards the end. See I describe you more Rick I think as this this th th th th if I think I think I think I th. I'd th. I'd th. I'd th. I'd th. I'd th. I'd the th. I'd th. I'd the th. I'd the the they'd the they'd they'd the they'd the the they'd they'd they'd the they'd they'd they'd like like they'd like they'd like they'd like they'd like they'd like they'd like they'd like they'd like they'd like they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I'd th. I'd th. I'd to they. I'd to they. I'd they. I'd th. they. they. they're the they're they're they're though he went German towards the end. See I describe you more Rick I think as I would imagine I'd say have you ever seen that Johnny Vegas on the tele? Yeah. Imagine he was inflatable and you just let out a little bit of air. That's what Ricky would look as as opposed to like you know pumping harder.

Yeah, yeah. Okay um well that's quite. Car I describe as you know those little red monkeys that you see on the wilder programmes, they're in the trees and they scream when they see a leopard or something, shave that, just shave one of those little red monkeys and put some sort of, um, you know, old sort of Manchester gear on it maybe. You know what I mean? Yeah, you know, a banana rack and some baggy jeans. I'd like to see how the waiter would react to that. He's got a picture of a monkey, then he's got a picture of shaved. He's got no hair and they're dressed like some kind of mank scallion. He's over there.

Yeah, he's over there, Carl's over there. That's what I do. Brilliant. So, now coming up the Verve, after that, I'm an amusing link about gay handkerchiefs. Really? I'm looking forward to this. Carl, what's the problem with Guy Ankees? You were, you played Bruce Springsteen last week, right? Yeah, and you said he had a load of trouble on his hands when he had a hanky in his back pocket. Did I say that on air or? Well, we were just saying that famously on the cover of the Born to Run, but, uh, born in the USA album, it's just him, isn't it, with a red handker. I was looking. Well, I just... Well, I did it for research purposes, for

this amazing link. Um, and um, yeah, he had a red handkerchief, I think in his right-hand pocket, and apparently that signifies homosexuality, apparently, I don't know. I don't know. Oh, I thought it was which way the way the way the way the way, the the the the the the the th. the the th. th. th. the th. th. thi thi, th. thi, thi, I was, well, well, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, well, well, well, well, I was, I was, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. Well, well, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm th. was which way you take I don't know these are those myths I don't even know if this is no well I I read up about it okay right just for a search and it's all sort of you know you've all different colored Ankeys are they yeah right and it depends what pocket you put it in as well so you've got like the different coa pockets yeah yeah so how many variations are there different pockets is what well you got like your back pocket your right back pocket

what do they mean what do they signify well what do they signify you can't just tell us they signify but what do they signify well some stuff that we don't really want to talk about to be honest what they're the stuff stuff honest. What? Sort of stuff that gazed are into. Right. What's what do you mean? with Barbara Streyson records? Yeah, yeah, Eurovision? No, like a couple of things that were there that I know we can mention. He said something about... But I love that. What he thinks he can't mention and I love it? What is this? 1956? No, no, no, no I mean, it isn't just, you know, having it away. It's just, you know, having it away.

You get up to some weird stuff. I never felt he didn't want to offend, but he's offended a lot more people by saying they got up to some weird stuff. Right. Yeah, what do you mean? No, but don't, don't, if it's, if there is something that I don't know about that it's like you can't sound the radio. Yeah, I'd rather not. But what do you mean weird stuff?

Well, one of them, right? If you've got a red anky, right? Yeah. In your right pocket, right? Like Bruce. That armpit freak. An armpit freak? Really? No, no, Carl. But that's very specific. Carl. Seriously. Well, okay, right, okay.

What else is there then? Sorry, is there some kind of homosexual body that sat down and came up with this at some point? Well, you've got one where this is getting crazy. You've got like a blue handkerchief in your top breast pocket I don't know what that means you need to sit down there's I'm going to sum it figure out what it means. Yeah. It's just that you're not you're not free from it either so if you're to go in like a gay bar which you know you might do if you straight anyway because they're you know good good places I think. Right. You can't actually go in there if you've got a cold. You can't actually go in there if you've got a cold a cold the cold to go to go to go the cold to go to go to go to go to go to go the cold to go to go the cold to go a cold to go a cold to go a cold to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go the cold the cold the cold the cold the cold the cold the cold the cold the cold the cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold. to to to to to to to the cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold. to to to to the cold cold cold cold cold. to to to to to th to the cold cold cold cold cold cold. So if I was to go in and add a bit of a sniffle, I could get into all sorts of trouble. Right, for that, a Marks and Spencer's white linenhanke, that means you like to be tied up

and whipped. Yeah. There was another one, um, armpit freak we've covered. Yeah, armpit freak is done. I don't know what that means. Right, okay. Yeah. But there was just one other thing like a blue and white one is if you're into sailors. To sailors? Yeah, if you have a little blue and white anky, that's in your left pocket. Right. Blue and white equals sailor.

So I wanted to ask you something. You know, man, but again, we've got to be careful here. You know when you wouldn't, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, the the the the the the the the the the the their, uh, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. I the. I the. I'm th-a. th-a. th-a. th-a. th-a. th-a. th-a. th-a'-a. th-a. th, man, but again we've got to be careful here. You know when you wouldn't leave the building that was on fire because you were standing proud. Hang on, we need, so some people don't know what you're talking about. Carl, you're on holiday and turn a reef, right? You'd had a moment of intimacy with your girlfriend. Yeah, knock on the door, you had to stop and get up. He peaked around the door, it was a fireman saying, get out. But you didn't want to leave because you had a...

Yeah. Yeah. But what I don't understand is you maintained that while looking at a Spanish man dressed as a fireman. Yeah. Is that true? Is that the fact? You maintained, I'm sorry, you maintained, you know, arousal whilst looking at a gentleman dressed the fireman. No, no, no, no, these are the facts and they are indisputed. Did you maintain? I'm not a machine though. I mean, I cannot turn it on, turn it off. Well, yeah, but I was just talking to talking to talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to a the to, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tha, the, thro, throwne, thrownea, thrownea, throwne, throwne, throwne, throwne, throwne, throwne, their off. I was just talking to a fireman you'd have probably lost it I

don't know but you didn't. No but the other thing was I mean I was talking to Suzanne about it again right? What are you talking about that for? I said oh it just cropped up right? Yeah and the dilemma was you see I wanted to try and make sure that it was a proper fire because that was the last condom we had, right? So it would have ruined the night. So I was, I didn't want to like, it was like, you know, what's going on? Is it, is it, do we need to get out? Yeah. Is it a proper fire? Yeah. And you've been, I'm talking to this man in uniform, was he, what does he look like. Was he good looking? Was he good looking in his uniform? I can't remember. Did he have a moustache? Better play a record, don't we? Is this bringing it back? What? You look uncomfortable? What?

Did you just switch this on with your hand? Ha ha ha ha! Ha! The flaming lips and that's fight test. Lips and that's fight test. Lips and test. On M. We were talking to an era about homosexual people and I'm sure we'll move on to other topics. But I just mentioned, I was talking a friend of mine in the week, Rufus and he overheard,

he pieced together that, you know, sometimes if you overhear a conversation you can piece together what's going on. You know, and it sort of transpired from what you could make out that one gay guy had just realized or just found out that his gay boyfriend had maybe been having an affair and was on the phone and had called this person the third party. The other one was crying was not? The other one was crying in tears. Obviously they just had a big argument about it and all he heard on the phone was was the guy saying in very kind of earnest tones I'm gonna do everything

in my power to destroy you. But I just like to think what that was. What was he, you know? No more guest list to G.A.Y. I am going to slash your diesel jeans. A pair of scissors. Oh, what if they're listening now? I know, I mean, it's probably an emotional time for them. Yeah, but they probably don't think we're talking about them. No not th, not th, not th, no. It I I I I I I I I I just just just just just just, tha, tha, tha, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, what tho, what tho, what tho, what tho, what, what, what that, what that, what tho, what tho, what tho, what was. tho, what was. tho, what was. tho, what was. tho, what was. What was. What was. Well, what was. Well, what was. Well, what was. Well, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. thoan. thoan. thoan. thoan. thoan. thoan. tho. Yeah but they probably don't think we're talking about them. No it's probably happened

quite a lot this week. I do know quite a lot of gay people but they do jump about when it comes to partners. Right. Carl. No, leave, leave. Freedom of speech. Yeah. Let the man speak. No, I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I mean it's quite, you know, they don't, you know, if they get bored they move on that. Just fair enough, what they do, uh... How do we piece this together?

And they go out like, don't that we've done that. How have you, so you know how we covered that? His favorite record is Killing a Georgie and he went at the end of the record he went see but how late was it? Yeah if he'd have been sort of going out at a decent time that wouldn't have happened or... you know what I mean Steve though they're always getting ready to go out half past one in the morning? You're asking for trouble. Yes. Incidentally, I should just point out that, oh dear. That we've had an email, I've lost it here now. But anyway, it was one of our listeners saying that we've slightly embarrassed ourselves because of course Bruce Springsteen on the cover of Born in the USA

doesn't actually have a handkerchief in his back pocket. It's actually a red baseball cap. So, um, I don't know if that also can't that also can't that also that also that also that also that also that also that also that also that also that also that also that also that also that also that also that also that also that also't know if that also can't, I don't know if it's any coloured object. What does that mean though? Yeah, into Ed's, into little round Ed's. Ah, if Bruce Springsteen, and he's obviously not gay, but if he said, All right, Carl, just, you know, little cuddle. Would you turn down Bruce Springsteen?

Yeah. Well, no, why? Just like, all right, mate. You hug your mates, don't you? If Bruce said, all right, Carl, like your show, love your head, little cuddle, little cuddle, or mate's cuddle. No, I just, I tell you what you're doing. I'll tell what you're doing. Do you just say, look, we're a couple of old friends. Bruce brings another Are those great songs. I like what you're doing. Let's cuddle. Let's have a little... All right, mate. Do you know what he likes to squeeze me head? I don't know if he likes to squeeze me head? Yeah. We had an old mate over this week. He's got a similar shaped head apparently as mine. Yeah. Right? He's hardly gave me a call or anything because he was busy with this other fellow the fellow's head. throwing he head. he head. he head. he head. hehehehehehe- he's hehehehehehehe. he. he. he. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, right, do, right, right, right. Do, do, do, do, do, right. Do, right. Do, do, right. Do, do, right. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do thi. Do, do thi. Do you the. Do you the. Do you the. Do you the. Do you the. Do you the. Do you the. Do you the. Do, do I tell you why, because he shaves his every day, right? He's got a same sort of air problem, so it's every day, right?

A problem? No, I know, and it's because he's had it several times several times, like, because he's had it several times, like, like, Carl's a bit long, like, I'm sort of, thrown. to to their, I'm a, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. their. their. th. th. th. th. th. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. It's, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because. the, because. the, because. the, because. the, it. the, it. the, it. the, I. the, I. the, I. the. t. t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the in it squeeze it with this one I can sort of get my thing do you know I mean I get my really you know you like a gay the way you jump about from head to head to head I'm just saying right still coming up then what we got coming up we've got rockbusters oh is any monkey news this week it's been a problem why it's not much has been going on this week what in the monkey world in the monkey world they don don don don don they don they don they don they don they don they don they don they don they don they don they don't they don't they don't they don't they don't they don't they don't they don't they don't they don't they don't they don't they don't they don't have they they they they don't they're they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th th th tho they're they tho they they're they they're they're they they're their they're this week. What in the monkey world? In the monkey world? I don't have to have caught on to the fact that they're getting coverage. They're keeping their behaviour hush-hush. Being a bit careful, but I've found

something. Have you got rockbusters? It's your last chance, don't it? Is it good? Is it? the thiwo' the their th is good? Is it th, is th, is th, is th, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is that, is that, is that, is that, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is it, is their, is they? Is it, is it, is tho, is tho, is, is tho, is, is they? they? they, is, is they, is they, is they, is they, is they, is they, is they, is they, is, is, is, is, is, is, is they they they they they they they they they they they they they? they? that? that? that, that, that, that, that? their, their? their? their, their? their? their their their their their their their their they're their, they're they're they're they're they're they're the Week. Oh, got that. Got that. Yeah. So what deform is it this week that you're really doing? Well, keep listening. I didn't really appreciate the Stones when I was younger. I was always a Beatles fan, but now I can't really listen to the Beatles. It's like I've used them up. It's about five tracks I like. Yeah, but the Stones just get better and better. And that was brilliant. And the video is so good. Oh, amazing. From 1981. That was waiting on a friend. From the Rolling Stones. What we got, we we got more fun coming up I imagine yeah cheeky freak the week an amusing story about inflatable testicles we've already given you half an hour talking about gay people who knows what else will be coming up yeah big market

out of time by blur on xf n-fm one four point nine all right car the time all right Carl what you're thinking thinking out stuff you're an enigma aren't you I would just say hello to we've to we we we we we we we we we we we we we to we to we to we to we to we've to we've to we've to we've to we've to we've to we've to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. We've th. We've th. that thi. that that that thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th.that stuff. You're an enigma aren't you? I would just say hello to we've got an American listener apparently, Karen. I thought that might fill up four seconds. We're not struggling are we? No, I mean, we've... Just consult the list of Dr. Fox-esque music context. Wife, wet ones, screwball, shop train, cheeky freak, Ronan. What's that? What was Ronan? I just was telling you the

other day about, you know that song that he does. Loving every day is it your last one. Right, yeah. I'm just thinking he's saying that as if like, oh I'll have a good day. But I reckon if you knew it was your last day I don't think you'd be in the mood to do anything. Yeah, that's true. I think the point is that it's living a day like it's your last. So God, imagine if it was every day like the last, right, let's go mental. And the good thing is we've got tomorrow. So he's got the best of both world. That's, that's, that's, that's, that's, th. That's th. the best th. th. th. the best to th. to th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. the best, thi. thi. thrown. thrown. thrown. That's the best, thrown. thrown. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be. th. th. th. the th. the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the that. the the the the the the the the the the true. the the the true. the the thrue. thrue. thrue. thrue. thrue. thrue. it might be the last. I think it's more like, it's the not knowing isn't it? Live every day. See I'd be, see I'd actually be happy. If I never knew when I was going to die and I was definitely going to die I'm asleep, what a brilliant life you'd have. Do you know what I mean? What, so you don't get an illness but one night you go out of bed and... I know that if you knew you were you you the the the not the not the not the not th if it th if it was th th if it was the not the not th the not the not th the not the not the not th the not th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi, it's not the not thi, it's tho tho tho tho tho tho, tho, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see thi, see thi, see thi, see thi, see thi, see thi, I'm thi, see thi, I'm thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm their thi. I'm their their their their their their their thi. I'm thi, I'm thi, I, but one night you go out of bed and... I know that if you knew you were going to die and never knew when you're going to die,

it wouldn't matter if it was tomorrow or 30 years' time. It wouldn't matter, would it? Nah. I've lost you, haven't I've lost you somewhere. I can't, see, I thought There was no high concept there, no sleight of hand linguistically. Where did I lose you? I think you lost him on sleight of hand linguistically. Just then. He's lost him again. I think that's the way I'd want to go. I don't want to know about it. That's why I don't go to the doctors or anything. That's like a good approach. And he did, do you remember him saying he's he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he and he he he he and he he and he he and he he and he he and he didn't, he's he and he's he and he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's not, he. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He's, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, t. He's, t. He's, t. He's, t. He's, t. He's, t. He's, t. He's, t. He's, t. He's, th. He's, th. He he, do you remember him saying he's in a die of cancer because he doesn't check his balls, he doesn't like the feel?

Of course. Of course. What do they feel like your balls? Like a wet shammie leather. With two marbles, two cum crotts in a wet shammie leather. No but I just said. Why are they wet? Sweety. No, they're not.

I'm just saying smooth. Are they smooth? Yeah, because a shammy leather is smoother when it's... Do you shave them? No, I don't. I don't. I don't like it. He goes, if you found some bubos under your arm or something you I'd wait for a

bit and I say to Suzanne what do you think just see if it developed into play well yeah because you know don't you know the old banded you're gonna yeah and a bell yeah yeah yeah so down you got me a bell exactly brilliant there there was this kid this kid at our school we took the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their th is th is th is th is th is th is th is thin th is th is th is th is th is th is thin to to to the th th th is to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th is is is th is th is th is th is th is th is th th th the the the the the the the the the. the. the. the. the. the. the the. the. the the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the at our school we took the piss out of for the basically the rest of his time there because when he was about 11 Someone said that would you want to die right? We do that they drown in the fire all that he said I want to die of old age in my mother's arms Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I'm gonna die of old age in my mother's arms! Oh gee! My mothers are? What's it going? What, getting off with her? What is I mean? Die of old age? You know what's my old cheat? Brilliant. I want to die of old age with a

man and my mom. Yeah, all in the same bed. Oh, dear. So if you, if it was the last day, if you had one day to live, okay, what would you do with your day? Now let's assume that you're not in a state of Vill health?'s not much you can do. It's just the end of the world and you're asking you. It's the last day of your life. It depends doesn't it? If we're all in the same boat, if someone says oh unlucky, without bitterness like we're accidentally weake to some radiation boys and you've got a day or if it was like there's a meteor coming this way we're all in the same boat I think it would be different it depends whether it's you and the rest of the world no I'd do the same thing I'd steal a car and go joyriding but like go mental I'd be smashing stuff I'd be knocking people over for a laugh I'm going crazy you'd be like grand theft it's great to the game thrown to be to be they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they they'll they'll they'll they they'll they'll they they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they're they're they're th th they're they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're they're try try try try try try try try try try try try try try try try try they're they're they're they're they're why I didn't get away. I tried to play it seriously and with about 10 minutes I was just going around areas

I knew trying to knock people over. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think I'd want to do that much. Seriously. You can't watch tele, because you might not know how the thing ends. Sure. Yeah. You could watch 24 couldn't you? If you had a day? Yeah. On DVD.

Do that then, do that? Do that, yeah? Well, but I mean, let's be honest. Let's say you, you know, you could take all the money out of your bank account, you can fly anywhere in the world, you can do whatever you want. Well, no, but you've got your girlfriend. Why wouldn't you go in there next week? Worry Cornwall and just grow around cutting as many monkeys as you can? I'm going to tell you something now. Go on. Go in there next week. Are you? Yeah. Taking my mom and dad away because like Suzanne's mom and dad.

What are you doing them? Most people put him at home? What are you going to Carmel. I thought you said you'd never go away with parents again? No no but that was Suzanne's mom and dad. Oh this is this to get even or something. Yeah so we'll do that and then we'll can it then. That was your outing. Your phone are both sets of parents and it goes right you won't be seeing that's ever again an holiday. We've taken you away. Be careful that the monkey the monkey the monkey the monkey th the monkey th the monkey th th th the monkey they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're th th th th th th thi thi thi thi thi to to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get th is th is th is th th. th th th th th th th. th. th. th. thi thi thi the the the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. to to the. to to the. to to careful that the monkey people don't buy you off your parents. Yeah. And make sure they don't leave any of the monkeys food in the telephone box because dad loved that way. Yeah. No, I was talking to him about that other day, about the nicotine in phone boxes. And he reminded me... Should we just explain that? Where they live in a small village in Wales and it's like one sort of utility store and when it's shut they leave your shopping

in the telephone box what's the road and Carl's dad found out about this goes and helps himself. Yeah to other people shopping. That's terrible. Yeah go on. And I was talking to him about that saying you know have you picked up any surprises in the phone box and uh he said no no we're talking about what the stuff he used to do. One of the. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin. thin. the. th. th. th. to to to th. the. to th. th. the is th. th. th. th. th. It was th. It was th. It was. It was. It was. It was. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's to th. It's is is is th. It's th. It's th. It's thin. It's to to thin. It's te. It's to. It's toke. It's to toge. It's toge. It's to toge. It's toge. It's to toge. It's to t One of them used to be going in this supermarket, right in Manchester. Yeah. Needs a new pair of shoes. Go in, took a new pair off the shelf, pop them on, leave his old ones there. Really?

And walk out again? Yeah, brilliant. And then you go in after him buy his old ones back. They look nice. My dad's got a pet just like that. I've always wanted to. I have those. Incidentally we don't advocate the stealing of shoes from shops. Or the joyriding and killing people. Unless you've got one day left. Okay. Or phone boxes. John fighting my own man's a tongue's a barrel of beer

John fighting Huller M Jovey's Merchant Pilkington Rockbusters too the the the the the the the the the theree tfeekeen rockbusters are brilliant is Pilkington. Rockbusters. Oh brilliant. Is there a jingle for rockbusters? I don't think there's 7 people instead? No. Can you come up with one quickly? Oh rockbusters! Brilliant. All right. Well the prizes this week. There's not many. I have to say

Carl's not source many but what he's got are actually good quality. Well I'm trying to insuling him the the the the the the the to the to to to to to to the to to the to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to. to bea. Rocking. Rock bu. to. to. to. to. to. Rock. Rock bu. Rock bu. Rock bu. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. I's. I's. I's. to. to. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to. to. the to. to. the to. to. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the. the. the. thea. thea. te. te. te. te. te. trial. te. trial. te. te. Well I'm trying to insinonym that it's you know quality not quantity as opposed to like 15 copies of you know Falls and Oxes Christmas Christmas with a giveaway three wheeler car and primal screams greatest hits on 11 CDs. Yeah not primal scream in spiral carpets anyway yeah we've got this new Kiss, FM, hip-hop classics compilation which got some really good stuff on there. New stuff from the likes of, you know, outcast and the Wu Tang, but some old classics from Public Enlion. And of course, L.L.C.

Culljahs, the best air guitar album in the world, volumes 1 and 2, and a special box set. We've got all sorts on there. It's May. Ryan Adams is on there, Robert Hall on there. But also excellent stuff, Beastie Boys Clash, we got the Kinks, so that's good. Abigail's Party, the DVD the DVD thing with Alice and Stedman. I know you're quite a fan. it's good. This later with Jaws Holland DVD it's got live performances from PJ Harvey the Cardigans Rollins. But he is playing boogie-roogie over their

tracks. I would hope so. Okay and also is the new albums from The Thrills? Yeah yeah so that's a little little well is that exclusive? It's not even out yet. Well that's the sort of things that Carl can come up with if pushed. It's all about the game. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. That's the sort the sort the sort the the the th. Well. Well. Well. It's th. It's th. It's that's that's that's th. Is th. Is the that's th. Is that's that's that's that's that's that's th. Is th. Is th. Is th. Is the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. Is. Is th. Is thi. Is thi. Is the. thi. the. the. the. thi. the. the. they. they. I is. I is. I is. It's all about the game though, it's all about the game, the prizes are just for fun, it's all about the playing the game. Let's see what Carl's come up with this week. This is his last chance. If I ever hear anything like new odour again, that's the end. They did get it there didn't? They're working out. Just there. Well, the things. Oh, rock busters. they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're the the their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the th the the. th the. th the the. the. the. their. Just there. Well, let's have the jingle again. All right. Oh, rockbusters! All right, if you haven't heard it before, cryptic clues that make up a band and some initials to help you on your way as well. So, uh...

Well, you never get it without, but go on. First one, uh, that fellow likes sucking on iron. All right. That fellow like sucking on iron. Yeah, the initial m, right. All, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th. All, th. All, th. All, th. All, th. All, th. All, thi, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if you, if you've, if you've, if you've, if, if you, if you've thy thy thy thy thy thy thy thy thy thy thy thy thy thy thy. If, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you thy. I thy. I thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, iron? Yeah, the initial there, M, right? Okay. That fellow like sucking on iron, right, that's the first one. Second one, the Jamaican fella spots a boat. Oh God. Say that again? The Jamaican fella spots a boat. Initial there, D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. And the last one, do you want a game of tug-of-a-war? Well, it's up to you, you own it. Right? I've just got number two. Right. Do you want a game of tug-a-war? Well it's up to you, you own it.

And what's the initial? E. All of them again, quickly. Right, so the first one, that fella likes sucking on iron. That's M. Second one, Jamaica fella spots about, right? That's D don't know what it's better, it's a whole storm by the end. That's, uh, that's E. That's E. Rikki.Jvise at XFM.co.uk. Email only.

Email and we cannot be bothered to answer the phone. Ricky. Joveys at Xfm. co. We're a lot of chili peppers, universally speaking on XFM 104. I'm Ricky DeVayne's. I'm Ricky Deveyes. That was Mr Merchant I was referring to there as Steve. Familiar, friends by now, five years in the making. Carl Pilken, I know him a year and a half, but he's a good friend as well.

All right, XFM, where paths cross. All right. XFM where paths cross. All right? So, any interesting things to talk about guys? Dr. Fox style? Any amusing observations? Have you taken a sideways look at the week's news or anything, Carl? What have you? Tell you what I did here last night? Go on. Um, five live. You do like a review of what's what's the the week? We the week? We the week? We the week? We the week? We the week? We the week? We the week? We the week? We the week? We the week? We the week? We the week? We the week? We the week? We th? We've th in th in th in th in th th thi. We're th. We're th. We're th. th. th. th. th. th. th. We're th. We're th. We're th. We're th. We're th. We're th. We're th. We're th. We're th. We're th. We're th. We're th. We're th. We're th. We're th. We're th. We're th. We're th. We're th. We're th. We're th. We're thi. We're thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the thi. thi. the thi. thi. the. th. th. th. th. night. Go on. Um, five live. They do like a review of what's gone on the week. We'll be busy in the weekend and always got time to follow what's going on. In the world, sure. Uh, someone's made a chicken with teeth. For what reason?

I don't know, because they can. Just because they can. So it chooses food, yeah. They had had had had had had had had a they had a the they had a the their their they had a few their their their they had a few their their their they can. So it chooses food? Yeah. They had a few guests saying well, you know, where will it all end? So you were sure you weren't watching a Wallace and Gromit video? No, seriously, right? They're doing it. They're chicken with teeth. They're a chicken with teeth. What do you mean there's a chicken with teeth? What are you talking about, Carl? That's what they've done? Do you know like like? Why? What? What? What? What? What? What? Why? Why? What? Why? What their? What they? Why? What they? What they? What they? What they? What they? What they? What they? they? they? they? they? they? they? they? they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they? they? they? they're they're? they're? they're? they're? they're? they're? they're? they're? they're? they're? they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're their? their? their? their their their their their their their their their they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're a chicken with teeth? Sounds mad, don't it? What are you talking about, Carl? That's what they've done, do you know like...

Why? I don't know. They're just messing with science and that, and that's what the people were saying. Why are you doing that? Do you know what I mean? Where will it start? What the thii. The rat with an ear on its back. Did that? Um... Can they have a mouse cat coming, can't it? What else were they talking about?

We're talking about that sheep again? That cloning one? Do you think it's that clever? Do you think it's that clever? They do all look the same anyway? What's it got to do with its cleverness. The fact-cloned. Being cloned is it, is it, do you think that's a good thing? He doesn't think it's that impressive because they look the same anyway. Right. They could have just put any sheep in there and go look, look, they're the same. Yeah, they're the same, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they were the same. People were talking about a chicken with teeth. That's it was, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, the, the, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. they, they, they, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're, they. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right, they, they. Right, they, they. Right, they. Right, they. Right, they. Right, they. Right, they. they. they, they. they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're their. they're they're, they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're teeth at the time I'm going to. Yeah he didn't hear anything about the war did you? That was like they might have been speaking French or just like whistles.

What's... And now, story about chicken with teeth? Yeah. You stopped washing up. Maybe someone can let us know? Oh God don't open the floodlights. No but I'm just saying I don't know the full thing. They just surprised on it. Anyway other stuff I did do proper research Anyway, other stuff I did do proper research on in the week. Go on. Uh, having the testicles done. Having your testicles done? What does that mean? Same magazine that was doing the Hankey coverage.

Let me know what all that's about. It's like a great magazine. How can we get him as a pundit on these news shows like News Night, do you know what I mean? Sky News, just on there, just asking what they think, wouldn't that be amazing? Is there a producer out there that would take a chance on Pilkington? It's Pilkington, Raggy Omar, Ian Hislop, and they are a panel of people and they just ask people. Yeah, so you can have your testicles made bigger. Why would you want to do that? Well, that's what I was asking. What's the point? Well, the actual testicles, or do they just inflate your ball bag?

Because you could do that, couldn't you? You could have some air injected so it was like a big... So they'd look bigger, but they'd rattle around inside, wouldn't they? Like a menacres. Like some kind of instrument. Yeah, that was sort of on those African instruments, it's like a big sheep's bladder with all... There's Pedro on the menacres. Yeah, they just, yeah. Yeah, just stripped to the waist. Yeah, just to get with it's hanging out.

And then when you're sort of like, the neighbors would think, what's he doing? He's been playing those menaacus all night and really you would you know. The mouse with the ear on its back going keep it down. Yeah this is really loud to me. Eh? Why would someone have that done then? You brought it up? Presumably so that they could draw a funny face on them.

Yeah, obviously. And you could let them down after the holiday. Like you're. You, you, you, you, you, you, you're their their their their they, th, th. th. th. th. th. thoes, thoes, thoes, thoes would would would would would would thoes, thoes would would would thoes would would would thoes would thi, thoes would would thoes would thoes would thoes would though, though, the mouse, the mouse, the mouse, the mouse, the mouse, thoes. Why, thoes. Why, thoes, thoes, thoes, thoes, thoes would thoes would thoes would thoes would thoes would thoes would thoes would thoes would thoes would thoes would thoes would thoes would thoes would thooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooes. thoes. And you could let them down after the holiday, like you do a Lilo. Exactly. Just let them... Yeah, on holiday you're floating around, you're just in the sea with your big instrumental manacchers, right? Just floating it. You're having a whale of a time for people playing it as they go past. All right. All right. Carl. A bit of a sort of local celebrity. Yeah, there's Carl. A thie. the the the their. th. th. th. th. th. th. their. th. their. th. th. their. Yeah. Yeah. their. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. their. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. their. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah............................................................................................................................... Yeah..there's a car with his floating manacca, it's like a big jellyfish, right? And then the end of the holiday or Saturday... If you've got a little pair of tight speeders, it'll be like Jordan walking around. And then he's like... Just let them down when you come down for the plane. Yeah, because apparently they do uh, they do get bigger, don't they as you get older when you're an old fella. No, I think they get lower.

I think that's it, that testicles and breasts get lower. Is that purely gravity? I think so, yeah, probably stretching a bit in it, wear and tear. Is the old fellas who are walking about saying, oh, I'm sick of these. They don't tread on them. Well that's why people have always got a little sit down. You know, 100 meters. Yeah, yeah. They come in the socks. Yeah.

Or they can have them, I suppose you can have like a little ball lift. You can have a little ball lift, can't you have a little nip and tuck. Or probably a facelift without, wouldn't it? too far you'll have a little knob as a tie but you can you know you can tie it and step up. Speak for yourself. Steve with his kipper tie that's a lovely tie you got there Steve and you look so young yeah what's that little sack underneath it that little broach well wait wait playing with your little manacres all night girl. So a chicken with teeth and you can have your balls done. That's, imagine, imagine Kirsty Ward, whatever a name is, on Newsnight, saying that. And now two features of the week, the war on Iraq, let's forget that. Who wants

their knackers done? Look at this chicken. Careful. I think we should send this link to Dr Fox. And see if he think it's an improvement on what what what their their their their their their their their to their their their the link to Dr Fox and see if he thinks it's an improvement on what he heard during the same record. Yeah, get this link, send it to Dr Fox. He'd love it. All right. Plus you'd be able to offer some kind of medical explanation. Yeah, exactly. Teenage fan club.

Brilliant. One of Kurt Cobain's favorite bands apparently, Teenage Fan Club and that was the song Radio. He loved him. We've just had an email here. It says apparently the, they created the chicken with the teeth in order to prove that DNA can be reverse stimulated. The theory being that if you can revert chickens to a state in which it has teeth, I don't know if it ever had teeth, you can alter someone's DNA to stop them going bold,

Carl. Did that, does, did they mean that because birds came from reptiles that add teeth out, crops and they changed into a beak or but what do you think that means tell? Yeah. What did you say? Okay moving on. Oh dear.

Oh, life's too short. What else is there? Have you got a monkey news coming up soon? Um, like I say, it's been a struggle, we'll do that. We'll do, uh, Cheeky Freak of the Week. Do you want to... Oh definitely. Should we do Cheeky Freak of the Week? I can't wait.

I'll always do these. All right, well, let's have the jingle for Cheeky Freak of the week brilliant something like that I once one because that was slightly a half hole Oh cheeky freak of the week excellent right this we're going back again yeah 17 century well it was it was 1829 right no I'm impressed now the problem is with cheeky freak of the week not so much the week is it if you're going back to 1829. Well, not even of the century. You haven't even done Cheaky Freak of the the week. There's... What's the problem with Cheeky Freak of the Week? Just because... Other than the sort of moral implications.

Yeah. Well last week it was a fellow with two Eds last week, it was Siamese Twins, conjoined Twins, sorry. They're two different people, this is what I'm telling you. But this is the problem, they're going to crop up quite a lot just because they've got double a chance. All right? Oh,, don't you? Carr will actually feature one day in this section. So, right, go on, Carl. We're going back to 1829. All the way back there to 1829. This is a retro conjoined twin link.

A couple of guys set up a business. They were called Chang and Ang. Oh, they're the first, that's why they were they were called they were called they were called they were called they were called they were called they were called they were called they were called they were called they were called they were called they were called, they were, they were, they were, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the, the, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that, that, that, the. Car, the. Car, the. Car, the. Car, the. Car, the. Car, the. Care. Care. Care. Car, and Ang. Oh, they're the first, that's why they were called Siamese twins, because they were, weren't, wasn't that, well it was based on those two, Chang and Ang? Was it? The original, yeah, that's why they're the that's called the Chinese, because I think they were Siamese twins. So these are the football class calling, can join twins, Siamese twins. I think I'm right there. Anyway. Yeah. Well, the sort of set up business, sort of going around the US. Well, both of them.

And what they used to do, people were amazed by it anyway. People wanted to know how they get through life doing certain things that you think about when you think about Siamese winds you think about, you know, how do you get through a day like that? Yeah. And the thing that cropped up the most with people was how they take a bath. So they used to go on tour around the US and Europe and uh sit in a bath. Have a wash on that. And... Did they ever wash each other by a mistake? They go, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, they go, oh, oh, oh, oh. That ends there. That ends there. They put one of those down, we go, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, you put that there? You know the things on the conveyor belt, the little dividers? Yeah. They wind me up those dividers. I, sorry I was just a complete tangent, but I, for some reason it's my own psychosis, but I get so annoyed if I'm in a supermarket, I've got

my shopping, I'm just about to get served, and you can always see there are certain people who stand behind you getting, itchy, itchy, itchy, worried that I that I that I that I that I that I that I I that I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I that I that I that I'm, that I'm, that I'm, that I'm, that I'm that I'm that I'm that I'm that I'm thi, thi, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I's, I's, I's, I's, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, their, thi, the, theat, theat, theat, thean, thean, thean, thean, thean, thi, thi, their, their, theto put the divider down to separate my shopping from theirs. It's like they're terrified but I'm somehow going to deliberately pay for their shopping. In their onion. Yeah oh I didn't get an onion I'll have that. And it's just but what it annoys me is it's not so much that obviously it's a practical thing it's the fact that they get a little bit edggy it. You can can can can can they can can can can they can can can they can they can they can they can they can they can they can they can they can they can they can they can they can they can they can they can they can they can they can they can actually the they can't they can't actually they they they they can't their their they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. the. try. try try try try. they're they're they're they they they they they just look at you can just see them sweating especially if they can't read. I just lean over and do it myself. Well I know but it's the thing is that it's like they almost feel that they they ought to wait for me to do it as they somehow it's my obligation and I just annoy the thrown it. For some that they're their their their their their their their their they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're their. I they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're to to to to to they're they're. I they're. I to to to to to just look. I to just look. I to just look. I to to to to to to to to to to they're. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I thi. I. I just. I just. I just. I just. I just just just just. I just just just. I just just. I just just. I th. I just just just just. I th. th. th. th. the. th. their. th. th. their. th. th. their. they just just just. they just. they just. I just. I just them sweat. I like the way that they're actually quite well made. There's some that are brass with like a felt bottom. Like you really care like a twig would do, wouldn't it? Exactly. But I just leave a slight gap. And then when it gets to the, when the woman's putting it is, it's the same thing, and again it's my psychosis, when people, if you're on a bus or a train and we're pulling into the stop, but there's a good, you know, kind

of 35 seconds before we're actually going to come to a hole, they leap up and they're straight by the door. Yeah. But it's just fear that's, if I'm, if if I I I I I I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I'm, if I'm, if I, if I, if th. th. th. th. thi, if you're, if you're, if you're, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, th..... th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, th. there, there, th. there,uters worry, I've never commuted, but every second counts doesn't it? Because you miss a train, it can make a difference of half an hour. So that's why commuters literally run to get their connections. But the thing is that with a bus, you know, this often will be people who are sat right next to the exit, will get up and stand up for a while waiting to get out. I just again I'm not saying it's not it makes perfect sense to them, it's my psychosis. They're going to be mowed down in the streets. They will just be a few of the people. You're going to be in a lovelrys. Exactly. Yeah. Well I will be going straight through a branch of they're washing their own bits, they've got one of those dividers, right, they go like

that's definitely yours, I marked mine, that's definitely mine, don't wash that, Chang, I won't, I wouldn't wash that, right? So what are they doing? They're in the bath? That's the fact that people... So, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, that, that, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, their, their, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, th. th. th. that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, they're, they're, that, that, they're, they're, they're, they're they're their, right, their, right, right, their, that's about it really. I mean that's the fact that people... So two people, two little oriental fellas joined in the hip, had a bath. No, no, no, that's your story? No, they didn't have a bath. They sort of, everybody, they must have done some sort of research, right? Who? Changranang, right? And they said, well a bath, they're

gonna have a bath, they're gonna have a bath, how would they possibly do it? Well I've heard they get into a bath. But that's what they're saying. I don't know what they're, they're gonna see them their their their their they're they're their they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're to see. to see. to see. to see. they're not, to see. they're they're gonna, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, I've, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, I've, how how they're, how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how, how how how how how, how how, how how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how do you're you're, how do you're you're, how do you're, how do you're you're you're, how do you're you're you're, how do you're they're they're, how do you're, how, how said what what would be good to see what what you know what do you want to see him do? Having a bath how did you get into trousers was there's actually this is all part of it and that's why they picked having a bath. This is all part of it well they want to get dressed afterwards yeah it was the best out of Chang'anang he was the thann' they're th. th. the same to be honest. There's a surprise! One was a short ginger woman. Oh dear. Is there anything, you know, what would be better than having a bath for you when you'd see him? What would sort of make you go, oh I wonder? One of them pulling and the other one going home alone? Yeah. I go like, look, she's definitely up for it. I'm taking home and going, oh, what am I going to do?

Can I watch? Definitely not. Definitely like, look, you go to bed. I want to, I want to wine and diner. But if they, if he's got about to their place and Right. They lived, they lived miles away. Yeah. Um, if one of them gets knackered, can the other one take over? God! I think we play record. That annoys me. What? What? That sort of, being at it all night.

What do you mean? No, no, no, come back. to R.M. Night Swimming, being at it all night. And why it annoys Carl? What, what, the night. What, the night. What, the night, the night, the night, the night, the the the the the the the th. What, th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to to th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, to. Yeah, to. Yeah, to. Yeah, to. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. to. to. to. to. to. toa. toa. toa. toa. toa. toa. toa. th. th. th. th. th. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I to tha. I to to to tha. I tha. It tha. I tha. I tha. I tha. I tha. I tha. I. tha. I. tha.M. Night Swimming, being at it all night and why it annoys Carl. Night Swimming deserves a quiet night. With a photograph on the dashboard In the parts again in relations deserves a quiet night deserves a quiet night Night swimming by R.E.M. Well, before we played that truck, you remember Carl was on the right up teetering on the cusp of telling us why he's annoyed at going all night. I assume you mean... Relations. What do you mean? What do you mean? What annoys you about... What... Sexual relations all night? The concept? Or people keep you up? Is it your next to your truck? Is it your next true to a trick? You try? You trick? You trick? You trick? You trick? You trick? You? You? You? You? You? Well? Well? Well? trick? Well? trick? Well? Well? trick? the trick? Well? Well? Well? the th? th? Well? th? th? Well? Well? Well? th. th. th. th, you? Well? Well? Well, th, th, th, you, you, you, you, you, you, you? Well, you? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? the the the the the the the the the the the try? try? true? the true? the try? try? try? thi? the the thi? the the the try? the the try? the try? try. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi? Well? What annoys you about that? What? Social relations all night. The concept? Or people keep you up? Is it your next

your next neighbour's or not? No, just that thing of people who say, oh, is that it all night? Who says that to you? You know, lads who think they're a bit of a lad and think that means, it's good. What, like sting in his tantric sex? Sting. Yeah. Boy to be fair, it goes for eight hours but only three minutes of that is going for it. The other sort of, you know, seven and a bit is sort of laying next to each other isn't it? Right. Sometimes in a different room. Yeah all night, I bet it's going to sting. So what's your problem with this notion of going at it all night? It's just that thing of, you know, get it done right the first time. Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, get in, get out like the S-A-S. Once you've done it, you've done, you know what I mean? Yeah, no fan in a round. I'm messing about. So, uh, yeah, it's just that, isn't it? It's like, do it right the first time. Once you've washed up, right? You put the pots away, you don't dirty them again. What a lovely analogy. That's one of the great metaphors. Is that what what what what what what what what what what what that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, it, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, that, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, pots again. What a romantic song. Hello, is there a fire? Oh, hello? Did the other must ask the fireman? Oh. X-F-F-R. Radio ahead? They're there on X-FM, 104. 9. And Rickard, Carl Pilkington with the answers to rockbusters, the, the, the biggest quiz quist on to the th. to to to to to to the to to to to to the th- th- to th- th- thane- thane- th- to thane- to thane- the to say- the to say- to say- to say- to-s- to say-upon-saa-sauantaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneaneane. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th-up-up-up-up-up-feyey-fey-fey-fey-fey-s. th-fey-fey-s-s-fey-fey-upe-upon-upon-upon-upon-upon-co-upon-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-s. Hello. Hello. Whoo-co-sk. things. things-co-s. Hello. thingvane, Steve Merchant, Carl Pilkington with the answers to rockbusters, the biggest quiz on radio probably. Do you want to remind us the... No, no, you mean the crappest quiz on radio? Yeah. Right.

Um, first one was that fella like sucking on iron. Yeah. Right. The initial was M. What was the bandthe initial was M what was the band it was metal liquor all right what's metal liquor no wait wait wait I've never heard of a band metal liquor metallica metalica metalica yeah you said metal liquor I don't understand metal liquor what say again say again and try and make metallica sound like metal liquor. Say it again, Metalica, Metalica, Metalica. Is he having a fit?

Say it again, Make Metallica, Meta licker. Metallica, Metalica. Okay, next one. Second one, the Jamaican fellow a boat. That was easy. That was D that was DiVage. You got that. Make it sound like the band? DeVage. Make it sound like a Jamaican fella saying spot in a boat? De Vage. Right. So you got that one. And the last one. Do you want a game of Tugger War?, it's up to you, you own it. Right? That was E, that was your rope. Right. Who did the final countdown? Yeah. So that's the...

No, what, what, we'd let that go? That's the three answers for this week, who's the winner, Steve? Well, again, I mean, there are lots and lots of people who have got it right, Rick. So I don't know if it's just us that think this is... Rubbish. But, um... Well, you know I'm always a fan of people with just something... A name, I don't know, that maybe tickles me. And sadly, I did want to give it to thuett because I just for some reason Danny Jowett. But sadly I just realized he got it wrong so I'm going to give it to a different Dan. So not only did you ridicule his name. He's not even getting the prizes. But better luck next time, Danny Jowett.

Instead I'm giving it to Dan Mason of Ilford so he got them right and he wins those prizes. Alright, wow. Okay. More of that next week? I mean what do we think? We'll do it next week then. Yeah. Okay.

What are you doing now? Got a record or what does that? Hoopal? Mookie News? Next. All right. Mott the hoople. Roll away the stone. Classic little ditty.

On XFM 104. 0.9. All right. Play the jingle. Oh, is it? Is it? Brilliant. Oh, chimpanzee that! Point nine. All right? Play the jingle. Oh is it, is it it? Brilliant. Oh, chimpanzee that!

Monkey News! Extra! Ha ha ha ha ha'a. I'll tell you what, I've been having a bit of a problem this week. Why? It's just been a struggle. Normally, I can come into work on a Monday and there's something that's happened over the Saturday over the Sunday night you know what I mean over the weekend the monkeys have done

something. Been very quiet I thought I'll be all right let's see how the week goes on I don't have to have caught on to the fact that we're giving this coverage now or I don't I don't understand normally people are emailing me stuff all the time about monkeys been very quiet week I've been very quiet, I was looking in books last night and stuff. Is there any monkey news? I've got some but just because it's not that good something else I found out that I thought I'd thought a chair with you. Go on. I was looking in the Guinness Book of Record because I thought they'll have something in there about monkeys or something right? And there's a little monkey, I think it lives in Asia right? There's loads of their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their they their they's little monkey, I think it lives in Asia, right? There's loads of them live in Asia. Might just be travelling but yeah. And some of they found out I

don't know if they've got it right and that's why I want to bring it up. Apparently it's the mammal, right, that's got sort of the pointiest eyes, eyes that pop out of the red, Steve. Now, the thing is, right? I thought that's interesting. Apparently it's the biggest with the sort of goggle-eye type thing. Right, yeah go on. Apparently they come out of their head 1.6 centimeters. What do you mean they protrude? Yeah, they've protrude from the head at 1.6 centimeters. 1.6 centimeters. What do you mean they protrude? Yeah, they've protrude from the head at 1.6. Okay. What? How long? Have you got a ruler, Rick? 1.1.6. I'd tell you I'd be a little bit annoyed if the monkeys beat me.

Well, I don't think it has. That's what I'm hoping. Is there anything we can... I mean what's 1.6? Can you... It's about... Drought your trousers? It's about... Droughty trousers? It's uh, well, oh, about three quarters an inch. What do you think? I don't know. Have they got it right or what? Maybe I should come down to Monkey World with you next week. So anyway so that's that's not the monkey news that's just something that cropped up and sure. I didn't know once when we were playing Paul in the office, I think Lucy was your partner. Yeah. It was me and Ash versus you and Lucy and you were having trouble because his glasses kept

slipping down. So Lucy pushed his glasses up, his nose, but the glasses touched his eye. Do you remember that? Uh, yeah. Yeah. He started it. He started it. He started it. We are the one who joined in.

I know and I feel bad now. Yeah. He makes me nervous when he goes. Yeah. It's not play a record. No, I'm just trying to think about which part of your fat, middle-aged physique I can pick on. Yeah, yeah. Oh, a little belly. Sure. Or what do you think of that? Oh, that's, that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that's that. that's that's that's that. that's that. that. that. He that. He's that. He's that. He that. He that's that. He's that. He's that. He's that. He that. He that. He that. He that. He that. He that. He that. He that. He that. He that. He that. He that. He that. He that. He that. He that. He that. He that. He that. He that. He that. He that. that. that. that's that's that's that's that's that's the the the the that's the the the the that's the that's that's the the. He's the. He's started. He's started. He's that's that's that. that's that. tits would be a good thing. Yeah, yeah. Oh, what do you think of that? Oh, that's, what is that?

Play a record. Is that monkey news for this week? Have we not got any other monkey news? Well, it's just, it hasn't been that good. I mean, the one that I found out here, um, because we've the the that we've that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th monkey that was a sort of half man, we've done a monkey that got a decent job in a train station. Can you think of any of the other... Well that's just some of the great monkey news from the past? That's what I mean, so that's what you got to compete with, so even though this is quite amazing, um... just tell us!

Just tell us! Another monkey got married. Oh, not another monkey getting married. What do you mean? It's got another one, you know, it was knocking about with some woman monkey for a bit. A woman monkey. They decided to, you know, get married. They did. What do you mean they decided to get married? Was it pressure from her parents? They had a good do and, uh... Good do! I love the spread! I love that!

Just peanut volavons. Celebrated in a pub and then they both went off to the cage at night. That's what I mean, even though that is quite impressive because... It's not true. Or it's a joke, it's nothing. It's not... Ananova website, official sort of news website. Two monkeys have married in Romania, after a whirlwind romance. Well that's... After a whirlwind romance? Yeah, a quick one hanging on to the rope.

Yeah. Yeah. She was in the tire. He saw it. He went, I have a girl. They go, we got a marrier now. Her parents came and said, do you just, did you just... He was in a zoo, knocking one off, she she she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, the monkey, she, she, she, the monkey, she, she, she, the monkey, she, she, the monkey, the just, did you just, he was in a try- Locking one off, she went, I can do that for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Guess say the monkey bridegroom was scared by the number of people attending the wedding and refused to get out of his cage. Oh, no, not bloody, hello magazine again. No, it was not, no, I think it was like, I'm single, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, like, I, like, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, ga, ga, go, go, go, go, go, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, th. th. G, th. Go, th. Gets, to, the, to, the, to, the, to, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, ga enjoyed every minute of it she was loving it yeah sure lovely by the way she looked lovely yeah

I could report she only appeared to have problems with her vial and dress you see you know the this is the guest in I hope they didn't ruin it like Kalthy Turner and maybe get sort of sponsorship PG Tips or something with strong plum brandy so they got them drunk as well. So they carried on the celebrations at the pub and the boy was taken to a new husband's cage at night. I really, well I apologize, play a record. I'll tell you what winds me up, what?

Monkeys getting married. I know. I'm not getting any action. And I got bigger eyes. Little by Little Oasis on XFM 104. Well that's the show, Ricky Jovey, Steve Merchant and Carl Pilgerton. Carl, do you think was a good show today? It's alright, I wanted with some good news.

What do you think the loyal listener has gotten from today's show? What do you think that we've added to the world? Well, I think they know what they've got, right? But if someone's just tuned in, I can tell them they've missed out on some good stuff, they've missed out on Chang'anang, they're the two who invented, their their their their their their their thiiiiiiii' thi' they're thi' thi' they're thi' thi' thi' thi' they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're the two who are the one who invented the ones who invented you know the Siamese twin thing. Yeah that's it they invented it yeah.

You've got uh you've had like I would spend our last day. Yeah, go on. Running people over. Chicken with teeth. Uh. Oh he says it like, you know, there's no other show that could give you all this. Yeah go on. Gay Ankeys we've done that. Yeah.

Now we'll be having a problem there tonight. Yeah. Another monkey marriage. Another monkey. It sounds like the end of the news. You don't mean the headlines on Sky News and headlines and another monkey in Romania. If you've thought about having your testicles bigger. yeah, yeah, yeah,that. Yeah. And the monkey that had big eyes, if it's listening, you know, its position might not be safe in the Guinness Book of Records.

And of course Carl stays hard by looking at firemen. Indeed we've also learned that. Well that's not true. Well you did. All we know is that you saw a fireman and nothing, it didn't seem to affect your erection. We avoided saying erection for two hours. We've avoided saying erection for two hours and then he just, you know, healthy young man. Yeah. I'm sure I'm sure he was. I'm sure he was.

Fireman, keep Carl hard. All right. He's to listen. Amy Mann to Enwood. See you next week. Bye.