The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Xfm S2E42 (June 14, 2003)

Episode Date: September 4, 2022

With the second series of ‘’The Office’’ complete, Gervais, Merchant, and Pilkington returned to XFM in August of 2002 to resume their 2-hour Saturday afternoon broadcasts. Though Pilkington’s name was still not being used in promotional materials, the format mainly centered on his contributions with Gervais and Merchant mostly reacting to the various things Karl said and did, a format that would endure through the remainder of the radio broadcasts and podcasts, concluding in 2012.This was the longest stretch of XFM shows, running 51 weeks until August 2003 when Gervais and Merchant again went on hiatus, this time to record the Christmas Special (finale) for ‘’The Office’’.During the year, Pilkington introduced many of the show’s most notable segments including “ Monkey News”, “Rockbusters”, “Songs of Phrase”, and “The Film Thing”, among others. Karl grew increasingly frustrated with Ricky’s antagonism toward him throughout the year, and over the final few shows, suggested he did not want to continue on. Gervais and Merchant repeatedly said on air they would not return if Pilkington didn’t agree to remain with the show.

The darkness growing on me on XFM 104.9. It's all going well away in it. The microphones fell apart. Carl's shouting because he got headphones on. This music's too not too late. Canfield level. God, he got prehands. Look at him, look at him, laughing.

That's so funny because I got a letter here from, was it from Mike Hill who sent me a little picture of a little Japanese fellow from a film who said looks like me and he does a little bit but he says please can you make Carl laugh I've never heard him utter as much as a snigger and I'm worried he may have a genetic disorder well I mean he hasn't got a genetic disorder obviously but he was giggling then I hope people heard you then look at his little face it was a choice I love the things that make him happy but I love the but just before the microphone came up just before the record finished he had his headphones on the music was too loud and he was just shouting bow out it's not working

I went and found Ziggy Starrows by a bow house this why isn't it working? Look in giggling the he out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out the th is th is th is thoing is tho-o-I's is not the tho-I's is tho-o-o-I is tho-I is tho-I is tho-I is tho- is tho-I th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is the the the the th is the the th is the the th is th is the thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi tho' tho' tho' tho' tho' tho' tho' tho' tho' tho' tho' tho' thi thi iggi Stard's by a Bauhaus. Why isn't it working? Look at him giggling! Look he's lost it! Is he going away? You want drugs, Carl? What have you done? He's tickled. Look at his little one of those shaved monkeys. Look at his little bit. Oh my god, I've never seen a forehead glow. I know it's extraordinary. And he's got that red shirt on as a that, he's a that, and he's a that, and he's a that, and he's a that, he's a that, he's that, he's thua, he's thirty, he's thirty, he's thirty, he's thirty, he's thirty, he's thirty, he's thian, he's thian, he's thi, he's thi, he's tho, he's tho, he's tho, he's tho, he's thi, he's thi, he's thi, he's thi, he's thua, he's thua, he's thua, he's going, he's going, he's going, he's going, he's going, he's going, he's going, he's thi, he's thi, he's thi, he's thi, he's thi, he's thi, he's thi, he's going thi, he's going thr-hea' go' giggling, he's going thin, he's going thin, he's going tho' giggling, he's going thr-hea' giggling, he's going thi, he's going, he's going, he's got that red shirt on as well, so the whole whole of him was just a big glowing. Carl, what are you trying? What are you putting in? I'm just going to see if I can get this to work. Go on then. Brilliant radio. I hope Dr. Fox is listening because I think he's eating his words right now,

thiiweke, thrown. Right, I think. I suppose ourselves. This is Ziggy Sardust by Balthouse. It worked, that worked, isn't it? So you panic over, calm now, calm now. You are an olid soon, aren't you? Yeah. You've got to go off early. Well, about, about, uh, well... How many times have you had? Because I only have time off when I'm working, like, doing another job, like, you know, filming or so, but you seem to have a lot a a a a lot a lot sick as well you just like because you had wet trousers which is a little bit do you don't care about the job I mean I've got to ask because you know I mean if I was in charge I'd worry about your motivation or because we yesterday we were trying to work out what you enjoyed doing and we got

to Manchester United and moaning and that is that is the two we came up with. I don't know where you get the moaning thing from. You're always winging. About what? Everything. When? When did the last ever moaned? Just before we came on air. Right and why was that? I don't know. I can't remember. We were in good mood, we were in a good movie me and Rick. I'll tell you why. Go on. Because you brought a song in at 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10. the the to. the the to. to to the the the to to the the the the to to the the to the the the to the the the the the the to the the the their the the the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. theat the. the an the an the an the an the an the an the an the an the. the. the. this? Yeah. But that's your job? You could have brought it in yesterday? No, I couldn't. Why not? I hadn't thought of it. Hmm. But why are you injured? That's your job? And I didn't come in 10 minutes before. It was a good 20 minutes before. It just took you ages because you were winging and moaning. Do you can get started? I'm not being dragged into this? You are always. You're on, th. It. yet, no you're not on yet, you're still working. Well this, that's what's funny. This isn't even work, right? And yet it should be, compared to what I do in the week, this is a dodle. Well it's because you're not put any effort in clearly? Where are you going to going anyway? Where you're going to to go to thea anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to tho to tho the the the to to the the to thi thi thi th. Where to they they the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. Where the the th. Where the th. Where th. Where th. Where th. Where you're to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thi? to thi? W thi? W thi. Where you thi. Where you're thi. Where you're thi. Where you're thi. Where you're thi. Where you're thi. Where you're thi. Where you're thi. Where you're thi., there's a monkey world. You're excited like that. We don't see that. Probably go twice to that.

Yeah. Whilst I'm down there. How long you were for? How long you were you're going to be nicking on this holiday? Yeah. So uh, this is a lot of tin in Cornwall? Says they've shut the minds? Yeah. It's just called to his aunt. they they they're out out out out out out out out out out their they're they're their they're their they're they're their they're they're their their they're their they're they'll they're their they're they're they're they're they'll they'll th. I'll th. We'll th. I'll th. We'll go th. We'll go go th. We'll go go th. We'll go go go th. We'll go go go th. We'll go. We'll go. We'll go. We'll th. We'll go. We'll go. We'll go. We'll go. We'll go. We'll th. We'll th. We'll th. What th. We'll. What th. We'll. What th. We'll. We'll. We'll. What th. We'll. We'll. What th. We'll. You'll th. You'll th. You're th. You're go. You're to to go. You're to go. You're go. You're go. You're go. You're go. We'll go. We'll go. You're th. We'll go. lot of tin in Cornwall since they've shut the mines. He's just called Susanne said they've got there, so it's a nice little place. There will be no towels when you get there. So what do you do, just going to chill out and sort of like go to the pub and stuff? Yeah like I say, I mean all I've got planned is probably the, probably Tuesday and Thursday at Monkey World. W. Wors?? th, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thi, thi, th. I th. It's a th. It's a th. It's, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it's a th. It. It. It's, it, it, it, it, it, it's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the Wednesday? What are we thinking the Wednesday just wandering around? Just sort of think about, you know. King Arthur and that, where he was down there, wasn't he? I don't know, but I tell you something.

What town? I don't know. I don't know where it is. I don't know. I just saw it out. I just saw them, pack two pairs, poor woman. She's packing your bags for you. Right. But, uh, talking. If Steve didn't come in at 10-2 with a rap record with like, of senators all over it. Yeah, well, we'll play that next week. Well, you didn't even get the job done, that's the thing.

We can't even play it because you didn't get finish finish finish finish finish finish finish finish finish finish finish finish finish finish finish finish finish finish finish finish finish finish finish finish finish finish finish finish finish finish finish finish finish. I tell you what, that method man, if he doesn't stop effing and jeffing, it's the end of his career in my opinion. All of his f-fat and uh, yo, yo, Jeff, I'm a Jeff myself. Or I'm hanging out with Jeff's. It's terrible. Jeff, we know you can't put out the J-word on, on XFM. Oh, Mother Jeffer. So we haven't got that, but what, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh. we have got. Go on. Monkey News. They still got a monkey news, have we? That's sorted out, that's coming up. Yeah.

Rockbusters. Yeah, well, last chance. Definitely your last chance this time. You actually improved a little bit last week. You did a couple of good ones. Yeah, same again this week. And, uh, cheeky freak. where Carl finds a human being with some sort of congenital or you know imposed deformity or you know so where and we talk about that in a right way

do you think that's big and clever no but that's that's just it's never about taking the Mickey out of someone right it's about it's to make you think I'll tell you what isn't big and clever a dwarf with learning difference noise nice yeah yeah well we'll explain it to you that's the fourth coming single from British sea power that's called Carion that's nice and retro that's what end of the 70s Bowie that's great on X FM 104.9 that's just some of the records that we've th th th played th pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl- that that th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the. That's th the. That's the. the. That's th. That's th. the. That's th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I I th. I th. I I th. I I I th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. I th. I th is th. I the the the the the theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.. That's just some of the records that we've played so far.

Do you know what I mean? You've had the darkness, you've had Bauhaus. It's like, can it get any better, Carl, do you think? Like I say, we've got monkey news coming up. Guess what? I lost 400 quid cash this week. Gambling? No, no, no, this, that's tragic. This is why it gutted it it it's it's it's it's the they. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's thi. It's th. It's th. It's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that. that. that's. that. that. th. the. that. th. th. th. the. th. th. th. th., no, no, this is that's tragic. This is why it gutted me. It wasn't even your gambling addiction. No, I had a photo shoot, I had a suit and I'd claim back some expenses and I had it in my pocket. And then when I took the suit home, it must have fallen out in the street or the car and I remembered it and I went to, I went, I went, I went, I went every every every every every every every every every every every every every every every every every every every every every every every every every every every every every every pocket, I the pocket, I the pocket, I went every pocket, I went every pocket, I went every pocket twice and it was just that I don't think of oh god that's terrible that's a terrible blow I think oh god if I had it back now it would

be free money yeah if I suddenly found it now I'd have four hundred pounds that was just free money and I had a little nap to go over it and I was and you were fine I was okay but that's got someone just someone just what a gift what a gift in a money clip? No, it was just literally four and a quid in an envelope. Oh, a street. I know, see, I'd always hand it in, I genuinely would. Unless I found it in a, in a forest or something, is it in a street? Do you know what I mean? Because a bear dropped it in, I'd the street. Yeah, but I mean, ifto anyone it rubbishing through. Exactly, yeah. But I'd hand it in.

But there's no way, if they found it in the street, there's no way they could do it, you know, it goes to police station and it sits there for six months. Yeah, exactly. It's not a waste of time pocket. But I, because when I was younger, I remember being outside a post office once when I was about a post of post, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, the, I, the, the, I was, I was, the, I was, I was, the, I was, I was, I was, I was, but, but, if the, if the, if the, if the, if their, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if their, if, if the, if the, if the, if the, if there, if there, if there, if there, if the, if the, if the, if the, if the, if the, if the, if the, if the, if the, if the, if the, if the, if the, if the, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, the, I was, I was, I was, I was, the, I was, the, the, the, the, th.. tho, the, the, the, the the the, the the the the the, oh that's nice. And opening up, there was some money in there and a pension book and so it was obviously an old lady, I found an address, I sent it to her and my mum said, you know, you've been so good they'll probably get a little reward, she'll probably get a reward, she'll probably send you a little reward. Nothing. Nothing. I got maybe a thank-you-no'-shau-a---tahea---tha------------s, So, many moons later when I was at university, I learnt from that and this is the most bizarre thing. This explains a lot, doesn't it, Carl? This is like the Mary's Lest.

I went to a cash point, I thought I can't get my card in it. And I realized there was already somebody's card in the machine. They'd put the code in, but, um, but then they just disappeared, they'd been kidnapped or something. So it was just there, waiting, sitting, said, what do you want to do? And it gave you a number of options. I thought, interesting. Steel or go to heaven? He went, oh dear. Well, I pressed a balance, just to check what their bank balance was. Unbelievable. It was a considerable sum of money. I'm not going to lie to you. It was not typical student debt. I thi I think I think I think I th. I th. I they was like. I they were. I they were. I they were. I they were. I they were. I they were. It was. It was not. It was not. It was not. It was not. It was not. It was not. It was not. It was not. It was not. It was not. It was not they were. It was not. It was they were. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was not. It was not. It was not. It was not. It was not. It was not. It was not. It was not. It was not. It was not. It was not. It was not. It was not. It was not. It was not. It was not. It was not they were. It was not they were not they were not they were not they were not their. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I their. Oh, I their. Oh, I think they were a foreign student there was a lot of cash in there. A lot of money. Did you feel it's like bulge in your trousers when you saw the amount of money? I couldn't really leave my life. I thought to myself now then I could just take that card out and hand it in or I could teach them a small lesson and maybe give myself a reward because last time I did that I did

get reward so if I give myself 30 pains then I'll take the card I gave myself 30. He didn't really. Well I thought that's a good reward and I handed the card and I took that and that's a little reward for me and I'll tell you this don't think it's evil because I went and I bought everyone a drink well well brilliant that's that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a th I'll th I'll thI thI thI that's that's that's that's that's th I'll that's I'll th I'll th I'll th I'll th I'll th I'll th I'll th I'll th I'll th I'll th I'll I'll I'll I'll I'll I'll I'll I'll I'll I'll I'll I'll I'll I'll I'll I'll I'll I'll I'll I'll I'll I'll I'll I'll I'll I'll th I'll th I'll thi I'll thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi th, I didn't tell him I got the money free. Well done, excellent. So probably gangsters are quite generous with the money they stole from people. Yes, but someone's negligence, Rick has lent the... The thing is this, Steve, I believe it except to buying people a drink car.

What do you think? Well, I kind of thought that when he said it, but then I they they they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll it but then I thought but they'll be buying one him back so we still are so in a way he's still a winner. Everyone's a winner in that situation including the student because frankly if there had been a less scrupulous person who found it they'd probably help themselves to a considerable sign. I cannot believe he did that. There was thousands of thousands of pounds in the what if it was it was. What was. What was. What was. What was. What was. What????? their. What? their. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thoing. they. they. they. they's. they's. Everyone. Everyone. Everyone. Everyone. th. Everyone. Everyone. Everyone. Everyone. Everyone. Everyone. they. Everyone. Everyone. Everyone. they. Everyone. Everyone. they. Everyone. they. Everyone. th. Everyone. th. th. th. th. Everyone. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. th. th. they. the th. th. the th. the they. they. Everyone. they. Everyone's. Everyone. the they. Everyone. Everyone. Everyone. Everyone. Everyone. they.thousands of the thousands of pounds in there. What if Beedle had jumped out and slapped you with his little claw and said we've been filming this merchant? Well what? So what? How old were you then? I don't know, 1920? Would you do it again? Or was it just to get the world back for the old lady's purse? Um, possibly do it? You're joking. Well, you've got to think of it th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th th th. th. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi tho tho tho' thi thi thi then then then then then then then then then then then then, how are then, how then, how then, how then, how then, how then, how then, how then, how then, how then, how then, how then, how then, how then, how then, how then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, th. How th. How thi, thi, thi, thin, thin, tho. How tho. How tho. How old tho? tho. How old tho' tho' tho' tho' tho' tho' tho' tho' tho' tho someone less scrupulous than me would have taken a fortune. They did clean them out. Whereas I just took a small reward which I thought was more than enough for someone's negligence and

I've returned the car they got the car back everything's fine. Think of someone else I could have gone on a reward and because you know sometimes people forget or you know they don't give you a reward I thought I should take it myself. He had to go out of your dad from nicking a loaf of bread out of a phone box. Yeah but that's because it's for old people geriatrics and stuff. Do you know how old was your people you were robbing from it? It's on a student campus. Hmm. Wow. that was you've the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's on. It's on. It's on. It's on. It's on. It's on. It's on. It's on. It's on. It's on. It's on. It's on. It's the the the the the th. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. It's. It's. It's. It's. I think it was more, I thought it was excellent behaviour. God, that's incredible. That's shown another side to him, isn't it? What would you have done, Carl in that situation?

And tell the truth. I might have helped myself a little bit. There you are? I tell you what, this is helping yourself a bit. Like you say, just sort of, you know, send it. If you find a you you you you you you you you, you you, you the pound, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. tho, tho, tho tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho, tho, tho. What, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, thoooo be bothered to bend over for it, then have it. But someone's cash point card or personal belongings. I'd let them know though, did you send it to them and say, you know, service charge included? I've took that out already. No, I gave, I handed it into the uh... What do you mean you'd let them know? I'd say you're you're lucky here, right. I just I I I I I I I I I've I've th. I I I've t t t took I've took I've took I've took I've took I've took I've to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to have to have to have to have so th. I've to have that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's so. I've so. I've so. I've so. I've that's th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've to to th. I've to took. I've took. I've took. I've took. I've took. I've took. I've to. I've took. I've took. I've to. I've th lucky, eh? Right, I just took, I'd probably take 20 actually, because that's just like one note.

Sorry, right, okay, you are winding me up. No, no, I'm not. I mean, not for once. I mean, I know what Steve's like, he is tight, right? No, he is. And you know that,'t you see well no I mean just the way you are you very sort of you know you're not you're not wasteful with your money I'm careful no I'm not wasteful absolutely right no no but to the extreme not towards the extreme no no no look out to the pennies the pain will take care of themselves all right simple to remember good advice

all right the thing is right themselves. All right? Simple to remember, good advice. All right? All right? The thing is, right, I know that I take the Mickey out of you for like, you know, the way you look and stuff. Sure. Well, I'm right back at you. But the thing is you can't help that. Absolutely. But I tell you something that women don't like, sure that women don't like. Sure. And it's fellows the fellows thahers thahers thuuuuuuuu-I that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women thi that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women that women th. th. th. th. th. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi tie tie tie tie tie thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi with the money. Sure. I'm not frugal with money with ladies. I'm frugal with you. Well, I have no reason to splash money out on you. I've never seen me splash money out. Well, you've never been out with me. Have you ever, Steve, have you ever splashed out on a lady? No, but I hope to one day. The right lady. The right lady. Lady. Steve Merchant. the tie-Killain. time on XFM 104. Ricky Jovey, Steve, Steve, the today, Steve. Look at this, right?

It's in the paper. A wife has had her beauty insured for a hundred thousand pound in case she grows ugly and her husband walks out. Nicole Jones 26 of Chipping Sodbury, Gloucestershire, says 200 pounds a year, the sweat pays 200 pounds a year for a policy. She arranged it as a present for her husband Richard. Her beauty will be judged by a panel of builders. So have they been selected beforehand, do you think? I assume they're complete strangers. So suppose, like in they trust going to know who they are?

I assume they're complete strangers. So suppose in like in 30 years time he looks at her and goes, oh you've lost your looks. She goes well have I? Yeah, well have I? Well have I calling the panel. Some rules go like, all right? Get him out for that. Never mind that. Yeah, she's lost it. 100 grand grand I mean you're one they stand on some scaffolding yeah she walks by yeah and if they will whistle that is amazing do you think they give her a quote first yeah what if they say actually love you got nothing to lose you're not you're not you're not a oil painting anyway yeah we can't come rain judge your beauty for at least I mean that is just open to abuse isn't it a hundred thousand pounds because I remember in in in Japan their their their their their their their their their their their their they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I the thi thi thi thi thi the tho the thoo thee thou the the the they're they're they're they're they're they're they're 't it? A hundred thousand pounds. Because I remember in Japan,

they're mad on golf, and if you get a hole in one, you buy everyone, you throw a party. And it was costing them like thousands and thousands of pounds. So they were insuring themselves against getting a hole in one, and so miraculously everyone was going, I've got a hole in one, did they? Yeah, yeah. But I'm sure. They they they they they they they they they they they they they're. I. I they're. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're. they're. they're. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're th. I. th. th. I. th. th. I're th. the. the. the. they're the. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they did they yeah yeah I mean that they could be in that together couldn't they I'm sure they're not they're probably more honest than you two that would take 20 quid out of a cash point but you know 30 30 30 I like I like the wording though a wife a wife a wife a wife a wife a wife I don't know why it make I just find this is an the old word this is my my my my my my my my my my my wife I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I the w w w w w w wife I the wife I the wife I the wife I the wife I the wife I the wife I the wife I'm the wife I the wife I'm the wife I'm the wife I'm the wife I the wife I the wife I the wife I the wife I the wife I the wife I the wife I the wife yeah I the wife yeah I the word I the word I the word I the word I the word I the word I the word I the word I the word I I the word I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I the word I the word I the word I the word I the word I the word I the word I the word wife I the word wife I'm the word wife I'm the the the the the the wo the woe wife I'm the the the woe. I'm the the the is... Hello, this is my wife. Hello, the wife. Yeah, the wife. Yeah, the wife. My wife? It seems a word that you have to say if you're 60 you know, if you met the

wife. And even then, ironically, unless someone, you don't know exactly, are you married, yeah, my wife is, yeah, that makes the the the w., the w., the w. the w. the w. the w. the w. the w. the w. the w. the w. the w. the w. the wi. the wi. the wi. the wi. the wi. the wi. the wi. the wi. the wife, the wi. the wi. the wife. Yeah, the wife. Yeah, the wife. the wife. the wife. The wife. The wife, the wife, the wife, the wife, the wife, the wife, the wife, the wife, the wife, the wife, the wife, the wife. The wife. The wife. The wife. The wife. The wife. The wife. Yeah, the wife. Yeah, the wife. the wife. the wife, the wife, the wife, the wife, the wi. the wi. the wi. the wi. the wi. the wi. the the wi. the the wi. the wi. the wi. the wife, oh, better get back, I'm meeting the wife for dinner. Especially when you know them. I, yeah, I remember coming into someone, friends of mine, somewhere at a party. A couple that I knew, and I'd known both of them before they got married. In fact, I know her, I think, longer. And he said, da, da, da, da, da. Where the wife? And I. And I. And I. And I. And I. And I. And I. And I, and I, and I. And I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, I, and I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I remember, I remember, I remember, I remember, I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. And, I remember. I remember. I remember, I remember. I remember. And, and I remember. And, and I remember. And, I, I remember. And, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I, I remember, I, I remember, I remember, I remember, I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember, I remember, I remember, I remember, I remember, I remember, I remember, I remember, I remember, and, and, and I remember, and I remember, and I remember, and I remember, and I remember, and I remember, and I remember, and I remember. And it's just this notion that, well, you use her name. I know who she is. I know her name. Why? I used to call her by that, why? It's like someone going, you know I'm married. You know I'm married. In the eyes of God, we are wed. Yeah, so that makes me more of an adult than you. It's the ownership. Yeah, it's like going, you know I'm a real man. I've got a wife and here she is. It's my wife. I find it, there's the words I find hard to say. In a shop I could never ask for wet ones. Do you know what I mean? If I have to go and ask for wet ones I won't bother. Or toilet duck.

Another one I'd have probably, I never say, Snickers. Why don't I don't know. I think as I grew up with marathon. Yeah. See I still, this is so pathetic, I still get embarrassed buying toilet paper. Really? We know if you go into like your 24-hour shop just around the corner, not a supermarket, big shop, but if you just go in there and you just maybe buying some milk, a chocolate bar. Because it's like they know what you're up to. No. But they know you're going to use you're going they're going they're going they're going their they're going they're going their their to to to to to to to their to to to to to to to their to to to their their to their to to their their their to be to to be to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their to their their their their their their their. I I their. I their. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to to to th. I tho. I'm to. I'm too. to. to. to. to. too. tooilet. tooilet. I'm to to to to to to, you know, when you're going to the laboratory at some point. It's sort of, it's too intimate. But exactly, they just go, I know what you're thinking, I'll be using this after masturbation. Thus saving all embarrassment. It goes with the porn bag I'll just fall. I was Costello, Allison from way back on XFM 104.9, a retro cut.

Indeed. Wow, up to the modern day, the newest game show around, rockbusters. Wee. Isn't there a jingle? It's probably something like, oh, rockbusters. It would be very, yeah, I've got to work it out, but I mean, yeah, let's go without it for now and everyone ready next week. Excellent. The prizes, once again, sourced by Carl Pilkington. I think it's been in the prize bag before, Carl, but I could see it back the best air guitar album in the world ever.

Do they keep sending it back? Is that? Is that just one? Is the ottflor? I believe is on there. T-Rex. It's clapped in anywhere to be seen. Definitely clapped, I would have thought, a deep purple. We got Quo, Skinner, Mac, Snake, is there, straights, excellent. And yeah, there's all sorts on there, obviously. This is always an odd choice, but th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I th. th. th. I th. I th. I've th. I would the. I to th. I would th. I would th. I would there, I would to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. I I I I I th. I th. I the, I the. I would the. I'd the. Dea. I'd the. thea. the thea. the thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. to to to to to to the current album by the Yardbirds, their first studio album in 35 years. So the new music station XFM, giving away that. Last movie is it's new music in some ways. A smash hits compilation. We've got stuff on there. It's our hat, Curiosity Hilder. It's all the old favorites. Plus two DVDs.

Columbo. Which has got a couple of classic Columbo episodes there. Suitable for framing. One of the best TV programs of all time. Why do I get, you can always tell immediately who the villains are. Suitable for framing. I'm assuming that's some kind of art dealer, maybe an artist. Candidate for crime, presumably some kind of presidential or political candidate. Yeah, no, that'd be good, I'm sure Columbo. I mean, stab woman. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's the theycoecoeconomic. that's that's they. Yeah, they. the the the they. the the their. they. their. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their. their. their. their. the the th. th. th. th. th. ti. today. today. today. today. today. today. today. today. tha. th. th. bo. I mean Stab woman, that was my favorite episode. Stab lady wife. I mean to be fair I'm not sure why who would buy a Columbo DVD like you can't find it on TV? It's on now. It's on now. I'm going to, because someone could maybe email in. Is there an episode of Colombo on now anywhere they've got cable or digital? I think it will be. But it is great. And the other DVD here is Cruise of the Gods which was the the one-off TV kind of film comedy film that was on at Christmas featuring Rob Bryden and Cougain. It's good.

So yeah there's a few gifts there not not not bad not bad. Right now we get to the uh to the real deal. Okay this what everyone tunes in for this in Monkey News I'd think, not the music. Go on. Well here we go then. Three cryptic clues and that and just work it out. Easy is that. Email in. Well, what's the email address? Ricky dot you, Vase, XFM.C. that they know it or care. I think, yeah. So the first one, he's got American coins all down his spine. Right?

He's got American coins all down his spine. What bands that? What artist is it? What do you mail in? What? What? N? I know it. I've got it already.

That's rubbish. Too easy. Yeah. Jeremy Bedele has got arthritis. Right? That's a second clue. one Jeremy Beedle has got arthritis, right? Jeremy Beedle has got arthritis. Yeah, that's the second clue. The initials there, S. L.F. S. L.F. Jeremy Beedle's got a little bit of arthritis. And the third one, Foxy, Shipman, and a Country Western singer on a merry-go-round. S. D. Right? So Foxy, Shipman and some country western singer on a merry-go-round. S-D, right? So Foxy's Shipman and some country-western singer having to go on a merry-go-round,

the initial S-D, right? So email in, Ricky D. I'm intrigued with that one. I'm genuinely intrigued with that one. I like the fact there's a certain width of controversy about it because Shipman is mentioned. I know yeah. Oh dear. A little edgy that. So that's the three... He's from your neck of the woods then he as well, Shipman. Yeah. I think my mom's ma'am used to use him. Okay, let's play a record. Well, you got a play record or play some adverts? Do you fancy the lines? Oh I draw, rather adverts, yeah. I've got Scotson for you. Closibo, this picture on XFM 104.9. Steve, I think Carl's gonna put most people to shame me, we're talking about generosity earlier.

Because Car always a nice, generous ploak when it really comes to it. He's paying for Father's Day, he's paying for the cottage that he's that he's that he's that he's that he's that he's that he's that he's to to it. He's paying for Father's Day, he's paying for the cottage that he's going away with his dad. Are you really cool? Yeah. Right. Well, there's no way of us proving if that's true or not. What do you mean?

Well, you could be lying. But why would I do that? Well, because you want to know a generous I am. I just do it, just get on with it. Just do I mean? Yeah, yeah. Look, charity work in that. Yeah. Exactly. But I'd have thought that you wouldn't have fallen for Father's Day.

I'd have thought you'd have known it was like... Well, I mean, to be honest, there, right? My dad's not normally that bad. Don't fall for it. I mean obviously that and Mother's Day and a plethora of other things were, I mean literally invented by card companies to make more money. I know. Yeah. That's, that's, that's, I mean my dad always says don't, don't get him a card or anything. Because he ate it with all these things that I'd like you know rip off times really just ripping people off. Yeah. Um. So what sounds a bit stingy that?

Well no, no, I mean he's right. He's right. It's just, uh, because fellas aren't bothered about getting cards anyway, are they? But the other thing that he noticed, you know, helping out of the flower companies, the Princess Diana thing when she... Oh, sorry, Jesus. Carl, Carl, what do you mean? What do you mean? That's what he said. He said, I nearly swore them because I was, you surprise me all the time, but that is incredible. Sorry, what, I don't understand what you talking about? All the flowers that were sort of sold that day. Right? What for people to leave as a commemoration? Yeah, they made a mint, didn't they?

Who did? Flower companies. Right, so what are you saying? So you're saying, you know, makes you wonder? What, whether, about what? So it's a conspiracy by the flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower flower, that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that, that, that that that's that, that, that, that that that that that that that is that is that is that is that is that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that is that, that, that, that, that, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that, that's that that that that that the that the the the the tho, tho, tho. that's that that's that's that's that's that's that's a that that's a that's a that that's that that that or behind the hit. Oh. So it's a conspiracy. It's a conspiracy by the flower. I would love to see you and your dad just sitting at home watching a bit of Channel 5 when apes go mental, right? With your, with your roasting-

When's that on? And then it's all like, well, yeah, right, you know, you'll kill Diana, don't you? Flower company son. Right, right, quite like Dad, you're not wrong. What are you talking about? No, I'm not, you know, I'm just saying, it's like you were saying about the cards, you know, on Father's Day and that. It's just a bit, too much of a coincidence. I'd be interested to see sort of, you know, like the business graph on how the companies were doing, then suddenly. Yeah, but then then then then then then then then then then then then then then then then then then then the the their their their their their their their their the companies were doing, then suddenly. Yeah. It's not then. But then by the same token, Elton John. You know, he started the biggest selling hit record, didn't he, off the back of that? I mean, so is he incriminated as well? If you want, I mean...

I don't know. It's a conspiracy theory you've not kind of analysed terribly closely, you've put it out there and if people maybe were investigating want to kind of add that into their inquiries then they can. Yeah, sure. But, uh, no, that's, that's, that's all I'm saying. I'm just, you know, because it's always the same thing in it, like I was out shopping the other day. Uh, you know, you know, treating, treating, treating, treating, treating, treating, treating, to, to, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. I, th. I, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that, that, that, that, that, th. That, th. That, th. That, th. That, th. That, th. That, th. That, th. That, th. That, th. That, th. That, th. That, th. That, that, that, that, that, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's and that. I was in W.H. Smith's. Yeah. Oh, classy. What was it? Was it a big birthday? Was it a 30th? No, I was getting a a... Was it two byroes for the price of one? I was getting a card for my dad for Father's

Day anyway, because I'm seeing him. Yeah. Big Toblerone. Yeah. Who is it who said Father's Day? They love a Toblerone? I've never understood Tobleron because the only time I see Tobleron is in airports, right? And mini bars. That is what the small Toblerone is for the miniburone is for the miniburone is for the miniburone, three star upwards. And the big Toblerone is a gift. You wouldn't buy a big Toblerone for yourself. Yeah Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. th. th. to to to to to to to to to to to tooble is toobleone. toblooble is to tobloobleone. to tobloobleone. tobloobleone. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to tobloblobloblobloblobloblob. I I I I I I I. I. I. I. I. I. I. to to to to to to to to to to to to to tobloblobloblobloblobloblobloblobloblobloblobloblobloborone. tobler. toblobler. tobler. toblobler. tobler. toblobler. I can only be a gift. You wouldn't buy the toborone for yourself. Yeah, a duty-free gift, the Toblone. It's next to, you know, Chanel number five, Toblone and a bear. Who specifically would you be buying that toblaron before? I don't know. Someone who's clearly never had it before and would think gift's interesting. I'll tell you what though, Toblerone is brilliant. I mean if whoever makes that if they want to send some Toblerones, I mean I will eat Toblerone. Yeah I think very much to say about, I think very much to say about fags. And of course... If you've got any boxes of cigarettes that you don't want, you know, duty free or whatever send them. I'd just like to say that in that, I their, I to their, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll to say, I'll, I'll to to to eat, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll to eat, I'll, I'll to eat, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their. to to to to toblea, I'll to toba, I'll to to to to to to to to to to to to to eat some some, I'll to eat some, I'll to eat, I'll to tob no way do I endorse Carl's Dad's theory that flower companies were behind the death

of Diana. Maybe I could say that on there as well just to save any complaints. I'll tell you what though, talking about fag packets and that, do you know like now, they've got if you have these, they'll do you in sort of thing on the front now, they've got these special stickers on him. Yeah. I saw a thing in a magazine the other day, in Brazil, it's got like pictures of ill people on them. Blamey. That is, they've gone really hardcore over there. That's good, isn't it? But I mean, to be fair, what more can they do? I mean, there are five packets now that say these will kill you and people are still smoking them. I don't think the message you can't the message, I the message, I the message, I the message, I the message, I thak, I think, I think, I think, I think, I'm think, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin' thin' there, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm thin' thin' thirty, I'm, thoomomom, tho, tho, they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're tho, tho, tho, th. th. th. th. th. That, I'll th. That's, I'll thi, I'll thi, I'll thi, I'll thin, I'll thin, I'll thin, I'm thrown. thrown. thrown, that, that, that, thrown, thooomoomoomorrow, that, thrown, thrown, thi. thi. thi, thrown what they could, I don't think the message is getting through. You could ban them altogether I suppose if they're, it seems weird to sort of like,

someone sell guns and go careful you can kill people with these. Well ban them then. I'm just careful as you have a right out with that. This is poison, this is really, really mental poison drugs. You know those people with their, you know, their, their, their, their, their, their, tho, they, I, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, you might, people, who, people, you're, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who.......... It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's, might, might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, might, you might, might. they're, you might. they're, might. they're they're the you ever see them in the street, they're selling fags duty free obviously they're just selling on the street. Have you ever seen these guys? I walk up and I finish your roadlock because I'm just near my place and always people they're just and they're sort of looking a bit shifting and they just they think that you're maybe a smoker. They just they just think that you're maybe a smugge. They just like, they'll just like, they'll just, they'll just, they'll just, they'll just, they'll just, they'll just, they'll just, faghue, faghue, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'll just, I'll just, I'll just, I'll just, I'll just, I'll just, I'll just, I'll just, I'll just, I'll just, I'll just, I'll just, I'll just, I'll just, I'll just, I'll just, I'll just, I'll just, I'll just, I'll just, I'll just, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I've they. Yeah, I've they're, I've they're, I've they're, I've they're they're th. Yeah, I'll just, I'll just, I'll just, I'll just, I'll. Yeah, I'll, I'll.nging ground, they know you must have never had a fag in your life. But you know I might buy them as a gift or something because I'm quite a generous guy. And it struck me, I was chatting with my friend about, you know, there seems to me there are certain people who are very, maybe they have trouble getting work or maybe they,

you know, they're immigrants who've not landed on the fax selling, there's those people I know it's on Oxford Street who bend a piece of wire into the shape of your name. I mean what kind of a gift is that really? Oh, I know. They're literally given about? Or you can, well you can have the bending the name, you can be selling those things that you throw at the wall and they sliver down? At Dover? Yeah. What are they literally? What they literally? What the the the they literally? What the the the the th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What kind th. What kind th. What kind th. What kind th. What kind th. What kind th. What kind th. What kind th. What kind th. What kind th. What kind th. What kind th. What is th. What is th. What is th. What is th. What is th. thi? th. th. th. th. th. th. th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th. What kind th. What kind th. What kind th. What kind th. What kind th. What kind th. What kind thi? What kind thi? thi? thi? thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi small on a piece of rice? I could try. Could you write all those names on a piece of rice? I could try. It's quite tricky. What about the rest of your family? Well that one's only two but he could be trained. He's got smaller fingers. Okay. Do you want to sell some knocked-off perfume? How about that? Again, we'd like to apologise for any inferred racism, suggestion that Lady Diana was killed by flower companies, or that Steve makes a habit of stealing from cash points.

What about... XFM 104.9. A picture of Rick Waller on the front of the bargain bucket. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Red Hot Chili Peppers, universally speaking on XFM, 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and of course Carl Pilkington. Now, people come up to me and I say, is Carl for real? And I go, what do you mean?

They want to say, is he that stupid? And the answer is yes. Some people think that he's putting on, some people think that is a character that we've invented, like we've got an actor in, like he's a Gareth Keenan or a Tim or something. And I go, no, we've scripted, he'd... Exactly, yeah. Now it's absolutely real, aren't you Carl? I go, where does he come from? Well, just tell the story, we came here and well I was much too important to run to run to run to run to run to run to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the their their their their I their I their I their I their I their I their I th. I that. I was much I was much I was much I was much I was much I was much I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I was much I was much I was much I was much th. I was much th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. Iteam boy. Steve came in with you I remember that. Yeah yeah yeah why do you remember that? Well it's Steve knows I don't want to keep going over it but it's just the way he looks. It's just great. Were you taking her back? A little bit. Yeah. So uh and he's just developed into my favorite thing. I also say that you get bored with like, you know, battling tops or, you know, pet sometimes. I mean I love my cat, but he's not as, you know,

Colin. Yeah. Actually, Kyle's away next week. Is he available to run the death? No, well he's not as, he's actually not as intelligent as Kyle and that's the truth he's not you know marginally yeah but but I know in the week he's like one of his little tamagotchy toys Carl because I have to phone him every day and keep his interest up yeah like I'd give him an interest in fact and then I got a book out and I found out I called Carl about that and I thought was incredible. Sure. Okay. So I phoned her I said a two-day-old gazelle can run faster than the racehorse. He went, what does it do after that? I went, what? He said, well how fast can it run? I went, well,

how fast because it's the addeau? I went, well, he said, well, how they're that. thi. thrown, tho. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's they. that's they. thrown. thrown. thrown. thrown. thrown. thrown, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I''a. their. thoe, I'a. tho'a. tho'er. tho'er. tho'er. tho'er. tho'er. I's tho'er. I's aa. I's aa. I's aa. I's a they. I's a they. I's they. I's they. I's they. I's thrown. I's thrown. I's thrown. I's a thrown. I's a thrown. I's a thrown. I'm toooooooooooooeease. to. tooo. to. to. to. thoooooeea. tha. that's what they do. I went, what do you mean? That's what they do, isn't it? I went, what do you mean, is two days old, right? He went, yeah, but a one-day old fly can fly, I'm 30 and I can't fly, it's not what I do, right? And I went, I went, right, he went, a jellyfish can hold its breath, I went, it. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th' th' th' that, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thee. thee. th. What do do th. What do you the. What do th. What do you the. What do thee, what do thee, what do thee. What's, what, what, what, what do you mean? I said, well they don't breathe, did they they went, what do they do? I went, well they get oxygen directly from the water via osmosis straight into their cells and it just went quiet and I went a two-day old gazelle and he went, yeah, do you know what I mean? He's just thinking about the jellyfish. He I just think, I mean, if Bambi's anything to go by, this little gazout spends a whole day trying to stand and the next day it enters the Derby. And you don't think that's incredible.

Yeah. So you know the sort of things I find incredible. Go on. Um, mirrors. Chiny objects. Yeah. Oh God. Well, listen, remember the time when I tell you about the baby that had a baby?

The baby that had a baby. It's happened again. No, it hasn't. It didn't happen the first time. It was in the papers, I think, on Monday, in all the tabloids. So it's a twin where one has one has has has has, the the the th, th, th, th, th, th, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, thi, thi, thi, that, that, that, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, the the the the the the the their, their, their, their, their, their, toda, today, their baby, their baby, that's, their.a, their.a, their, their, their, their, the tabloids. So it's a twin where one has grown and the other one is still at a fetal level. No it wasn't though it had grown. He was saying to his mom, who was saying to his mom, uh, who was saying to his mom, uh, who was saying, he was pregnant? And he was saying, yeah, he was pregnant? Yeah. What do you mean? And he was saying I was saying to his mowing? And he was saying I hea he hea hea, he was saying I hea, hea, hea, hea, hea, hea, hea, hea, it was saying, it was saying, it was saying, it was saying, it was saying, it was saying, it was saying, it was saying, it was saying, it was saying, it was saying, it was saying to to to to to to to to to to to he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he, it had he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he, it had he, it had th thi thi, it had thi, it had the, it had the the the the the the theat the the theat the theat the the the the was all swollen and they thought he'd just been eating cake or whatever and he was saying I

can feel something moving about and they were like stop messing about about, there's not wrong with you. Eventually I think he was in gym at school in gym what was pregnant? Oh no it was not a Russian doll. He was at it was at school right? And the teacher goes you're a bit fat? You look a th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thuuuuuuuu. thuu' thu' thu' thu' thu' thu' thu' thu' thu' thu' thu' thu' thu' thu' thu' their thin' thin' their hea' hea' hea' hea' their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thu. I thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thin thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' he thin' the saying he he toy toy toy toy thea' hea' hea' he he he he he he he he he he he he he he-ups or whatever they do at school on it. And the teacher goes, you're a bit fat. You look a bit pregnant. And so the best that you're the doctor's took him, said, you're seven years pregnant or something like that. What, you do? What, or something like that?

You're seven years pregnant? Or something like that? You sit in the doctor? Carl! Why don't you think about what you say before you say it? See the reaction again. Now the gazelle, I didn't get excited like that. Seven years pregnant. Send it in. If someone's online at the moment, just having a look around,

it'll be on, it'll be, it'll be, it happened on Monday or Tuesday. Because I told you out the babies had a baby. Yeah. And you were like, yeah, whatever. Well, I just thought you were talking nonsense as ever. Well, we're seven years pregnant. Yeah. You're a full, play a record. Well, we've still got stuff coming up. Monkey News? Rockbusters, answers. We'll have to get that out the way soon because we've got out of the week? Yeah. Well, have we got a a a a a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheeky freak a cheeky freak a cheeky freaky freaky freak a cheeky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky that. We're. We're. We're. We're, have a cheek. We're, have a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheek a cheeky freak. We've a cheeky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky freaky Uncle on XFM to 4.9. I'm Ricky Joveys and I understand I'm about to read my word Steve. Well once again there's always someone and it looks like it's Mike Lamb who has come to

cars rescue. Lambos let me down then. Doctors have removed a £4-pound baby boy from the stomach of his seven-year-old twin brother. Alamjan Nehemi Tilev was born with the freak fetus growing inside him. For seven years it lived like a parasite until a school doctor became alarmed about Alam and Jan's bulging tumy and took him to hospital. Surgeons who gave him a scan operated immediately unaware that the baby was attached to the boy's blood vessels and still alive. They saved a lamb jam from certain death but knew the eight-inch fetus was doomed. So there we are. Boy pregnant with his own twin brother by Barbara Davis that was in the mirror apparently. So I've read on and all the facts are right. They took him to school the parents didn't realize. And that isn't even this week's freak of the week. That's the free freak of the week. T the week. And th week. And that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. And that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. And that's th. And that's that's that's that. that's that. that. that's that's that's that's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi the the the the the the the thee thee theee the thee the the thi th got that for free you've got that you can have that.

That's the free freak of the week. That's you know that's giveaway that's like 13.5% extra. Yeah. You know what I mean? That you might get with hair spray or something? So that, I mean if that's just the throw away freak of the week, there are two see what the actual freak of the week is that people are paying for. It's incredible, Carl. I'll tell you what, something else you can have for free. Go on. Uh, another sort of freaky thing, right? I was watching this, uh, this program in the week. What? Uh, I don't know what it was. But it was about, I just saw, I sawller on it. What do you mean little feather?

He was doing this history thing. Oh. Right? Yeah, I know what he mean. Is this the, he's found out that a Viking was a bit like him? Yeah, that's it, yeah. He was boneless, that's the weird thing. What do you think of that, the beless. Yeah, but you know what you're going to get there, don't you?

That's what I mean, I always have a name, elephant man, you know, the boneless. Where is he? Where is he? You know what I mean? I'm meeting, I'm meeting, I'm going there in the bucket, having noodles. That's what I mean. But, do you reckon you could do that? Do you reckon you could have your bones taken out? I love talking to him.

It's brilliant. It's like talking to a five-year-old. I was asking Suzanne when she was watching it and she was like, ask me later. Yeah, brilliant. You said, do you this program about history, about Vikings, you turned your girlfriend and said you reckon you could have your bones taken out? I love that. I mean that's what that is why you are my favorite thing. What do you mean you think you can have your bones taken out? Firstly why would you have your bones taken out? If you've only got a small flat or something and there isn't much room, right? And what I you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you th? th? th th? I th th th. I tho tho that thi? I tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thi thi thi thi thi thi thi that thee theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeea. I to to theea thea. I thea thea. I thea. I th would all your organs still do the stuff?

No, they wouldn't. You'd just be mush. Listen, I'll teach you something now, right? The skeleton, right? Spam, yeah? Support, movement, anchorage, no, support, protection, anchorage movement, spam. That's what that's what the bones do yeah you couldn't stand up you wouldn't be protected because they protect the rib cage skull of course anchorage everything holds on to every muscle is tethered to pull against something like a crane a pulley system so you wouldn't be able to move at all do you know I mean so you'd be in a bucket they'd be nothing well you'd die immediately, obviously.

No, you can't have your bones taken out, Carl. I mean, why do you need to ask that question? Sorry, but boneless Bob or whatever his name was. Oh wait, Ari, the bonus. He presumably didn't have any bones. I mean that's why he had that name. Yeah, he he he, he he, he he, he he, he he, he he, he he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he was, he was, he was, he, he was, he, he, he, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I took, th. I took, th. I th. I tho. I th. I th. I th. I th got the name. Yeah exactly. No he was just... He was... I've had an email here from Graham, old Ken Row, he just says, I had a dream about Carl last night. I had a dream about Carl last night, can I sue? I've no idea what he looks like, apart

from the boldness, and yet he turns up in the middle of my dream. I don't need this, it's harassment. Yeah. But people having dreams about you now, Carl. You actually, it's like you're one of the, something that was created by the brother's grim. I've got, I had a dream. You know when people used to have anxiety dreams, now like an exam or something like you suddenly go to school and you realized, oh my God, you didn't have your trousers on or I had an anxiety dream I assume we started off anxiety about the office but filming the office and we had to we had to film in HMV but someone hadn't cleared it and so we had to find an hour price and I went okay that do and as I was walking there right I didn't have any shoes on which is like an anxiety dream but I looked down and I went so what yeah so I'm so lazy now I think that thi that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's they I they I that's that's that's that's they I'm they. I that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their they I'm they I'm they I'm they I'm they I'm they I'm they I'm they I'm they I'm they I'm they I'm they I'm they-I true I'm not I'm true I'm not I'm true I'm true I'm they-I'm not I'm not I'm they- I think even anxiety dreams don't kick into me.

I'm not sure that's a stream. I think that's just a memory. I would be at all surprised if you uh... Turned up with the film with the office go, we don't need shoes. When we were originally doing the pilot for the very first series, um, obviously Ricky's the main character. He's in it all the time. Obviously Ricky's the their the main the main the main th. th. th. th. th. th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. I's thi. It's thi. I'm that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's thi. I's thi. I's thi. I's thi. I's thi. I's just just just just the the the the the threat. thr-I. thri. thirty. I's just just just just thirty. I's just just thirty. I's just. Ithe time it's obviously important to get something made for TV you know this could launch our careers and I turn up on the Monday he's twisted his ankle he has to be wheeled around in a wheelchair because he went out jogging steps on a tin can in the street and fell over who left that there like a 40 year old man with brittle bone disease he just twist his ankle he was out of action it was pathetic yeah that was the pilot. Absolutely pathetic. But I still turned up, Kyle. That's the sort of trooper I am. Well, yeah, but you moaned the whole week. Where were it? I didn't like having to go around

in a wheelchair, did I? It's not pleasant, you know, but in a weird way, it taught me all the problems. Do you have anxiety dreams, Carl, do you ever lay awake, worrying of stuff? Because I have a lot a a a a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot? th? th. that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I, I, I, that, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, I, well, I. Well, I. Well, I. Well, I. Well, I. Well, I. Well, I. Well, I. Well, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th. that, well, well, I'm, well, on in my head. I don't have that. What do you do? Rent it out of people? Is it two monkeys swinging in a tie at the moment? Yeah. I just don't have that many dreams. No. I love that. I love that. I love that you don't have that many dreams. Well you haven't had a decent night sleep, you're 14 according to you're 14 according to you. 12. Really, really, really, really, really, really, really, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, is their, is, is, is, is, is, is their, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, or, is, or, or, or, or, is, or, is, or, or, or, is, is, or their, is, or their, is their, is their, is their, their, their, their, their, their, their their their their their their their their their their their their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their mean though now when sometimes you're so tired because I'd forgotten that. You're so tired and you think well I'm so glad I don't have to go out tonight I'm going to go and just lay on the couch and then go to bed. Yeah. Anxiety dreams I do have them periodically. Yeah it used to be a lottime but you know suddenly your feet are running in treacle and you can hear the school bell and you can't get it for years I just haven't had an anxiety dream

for years and years and years. That's yeah, I don't know. I just don't care. No well no you just genuinely don't care about anything this is the problem. You've just got to a point now where nothing bothers you really it's just too Joe, your career, my career Carl. No, I've never, I never go up on Carl. So um, Carl, so this little Harry the Boneless, what was your point? Was that really your point? You wondered if you could live without bones?

Yeah, I saw the little fellow on this program. Yeah, and he was, he was a small fellow and he was talking about Ary the boneless. And I thought, you know, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's interesting, that's interesting, that's interesting, that's that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a small, that's a small, that's atalking about Harry the Boneless and I thought you know that's that's interesting little bit of science stuff yeah yeah yeah well yeah that's about it on him really all right well that's just another the freak the week is it's not that's not even the freak of the week either no no no that still you've had a pregnant you've had a pregnant Siamese twin I've had a pregnant Siamese twin I've the. You've had a bonest fella and another fellow talking about him. They're not even involved in Freak of the Week. No. This is getting mad.

Play a record. Let's have Chicky Freak of the Week afterwards, yeah. Current single from Nick Cave. Can we do Monkey News first? Nick Cave and the bad seats he wants you. Brilliant. Yeah, so Carl off you go. Well we're not going to do a freak of the week here. Okay. Because we've done quite a bit of that in the last 20 minutes. We've OD-D on freaks you think? Yeah, we'll just shift it a little bit. Okay. Uh, I don't like I keep saying, don't want people to be thinking we're sort of taking the Mick out of anyone.

No. Right? Because we're not about that. I feel like I can do a little bit of it because I work with you Steve. Sure. It gives me that right. It's like a care worker. Yeah.

Well it's like that thing of, you can't be homophobic because I've got a couple of gay mates and stuff. I think sort of gives me that edge. Yeah. Alright, so you're not freak-a-phobic because you work with Steve? No that's right, yeah. So yeah. Okay. By that token, I should be able to sort of slag off, you know, mentally ill. No, there's a their, their, their, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that, that, that's that's that's that, that, that's that's that, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thre. So, thre. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that, that's that's that's that's that's that's thre. thre. thre. thre. thre. there's a term you don't hear very often.

In 2003, the mentally... I don't know where to start. I don't know where to start. I don't apologize for the Lady Diana Staff, the term mentally handicapped, and any inadvertent racism that we might have done with. What's the actual term then? Is it retarded?

Oh, right, come on now. Oh, chimpanzee that! Monkey News, early than usual. I'll have to save this link now, monkey news. We've done a lot of stuff, right, on monkeys. And most of it, has been... Is bollocks? No, it's of it has been... It is bollocks! No, it's been like happy stories. Oh, is this going to be like our tune? Ah, monkey tune. Simon Bates and welcome to, ah, monkey tune.

No, do you know what I mean? We've done stuff about a monkey that robbed the bank. Yeah. Why is that happy? He had a great a monkey that robbed the bank. Yeah. Why is that happy? He had a great life after that. What? Marbeyer? Yeah.

All right, we did the one who saved someone's handbag in a railway station. Yeah, the hairdresser. We had a lovely marriage, a couple of monky marriages. Yeah, the hairdresser. It was the one who got a job in a railway station. Yeah, the hairdresser. The one who set up a business in Spain. I don't even remember that one. I'm willing to believe that that happened. Go on then, Kyle. But anyway, yeah, so today's isn't, isn't that happy really. It's about some monkey, I think it was a chimp.

He's an ape, go on. It tried to... I mean the story sets off a sort of a weird thing. It's something about he went to Russia to do some business. What are you talking about Carl? I don't... I mean... He jumped past that bit though, it didn't start there. What he... Do you know what I mean? He didn't he he he he he didn't he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he th th th th thi th he thi thi thi thi thi thi he thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th th th th is th is th is thi thi thi thi thi thi thin thi thin thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi th... He jumped past that bit though, it didn't start there. What... Do you know what I mean? He didn't tell you what he was doing, he just said, there's this monkey went to Russia. To do some business, do some stuff. A bit of a monkey business. And um, anyway, didn't work out. They were furious. We wanted a surgeon. the monkey. Um, anyway, ended up being homeless. Oh. No, joking.

So it was taking the two for the worst? Couldn't even get into a, you know, like a tree hostel or anything like that? That's, that's the problem. And, uh, ended up, uh, yeah, ended up homeless. Got him with some, uh with some tramps. I don't know where to stop. Come on, come on, come on. Yeah, so he's knocking about with some tramps and stuff. You know, sharing drink and want to have you around a little fire.

They broke into some home, not sort of squatted. Right, so it's not homeless anyone? Problem was, yeah, he had a roof over his little area head. And he goes, oh this is good, this is, you know, we're having a good time, this is sorting me out. He had his mate. He said that in Russian. What was he eating? I don't know.

I don't know, I didn't know I didn't say. But they're in this house. Well, it could only be in sort of like, you know, fruit, nuts, vegetables. I mean they, they, fact classly, sort of don't eat, you know, pork pies and drink coffee. But they've got McDonald's in Moscow now, so sure. You probably showed it on that. Yeah. Anyway, there was a bust. There was a bust in the flat that they were squat that they were squatting in. All the other tramp sort of knew what was going on, legged it, left little chimps out there, got arrested and they thought it was a real fella at first. They were like getting, you know, he's obviously just a scruffy bloke who hasn't had a shave and stuff. Yeah, yeah. He hasn't shaved his back for a while or his face. Yeah, his head. Got him down the station and the boss was like, what's going on here? We got a monkey, yeah? He was like, what? So, you arrested the monkey? Well, so the arresting officers hadn't noticed all the way to the station that he kept slipping out

of the handcuffs and was going, uh-uh-eh-ah-ah-ah-uh, for the entire journey. They didn't notice they got there. What did have they'd have they'd have their they'd have their they'd have their their their their the entire journey. They didn't notice that they got there. What did they put a hood over his head maybe and just like, you know? I don't know, I'll give you the story if you want. There's the headline. What is it? What's the headline, Steve? I don't want to see it, but. The headline, this is once again from supposedly reputable news organization Ananova Homeless monkey arrested in Russia. Did, sorry, did you read on or did you see the headline and make up that whole story? Most of it is there. What isn't there?

What isn't there then? No, I think, you know, Steve can have a look over it, check it out and stuff. Point out the embellishment for me, Steve, will you? Well, what it doesn't say is that the police didn't the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police thiiase that thiase that that that that thiase that that thiolese that that that that that's that's, thiousea, that's, did that's, did that's, did that's that's that's that's that's, did that's, did. that's, did. that's, did. that's, did. that's, did. that's, did. that's, did. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the the the. Did, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. the. Did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did. Did. Did. Did. Point out the embellishment for me, Steve, will you? Well what it doesn't say is that the police didn't realise it was a monkey. That's what I was guessing. That's what I was guessing, really? That they got it back and said, what you've got a monkey and they go, yeah? Oh God. There's some more monkey problems in the week. Have you seen the Alford's advert with Monkers in? No. There's a new advert out for Alford selling bikes and stuff. Yeah. Got some monkeys in it, it's caused an uproar. Why? People are saying it's, you know, dressing them up in tracksuits and that is, uh... Taking the Mickey out of Manchester? You know, it's not nice for the animals and that. So there's been loads of complaints about it.

Will they get a free bike or something, do they, I imagine? I think they kept the track suit. Yeah. Shut-up record. That's the thing. That's the thing. No, I'm just saying we're not doing this to sort of, again, take the Mickey out of the week. Kings of Leon, Red Morning Light on XFM 104.9 and Ricky Jaze with me Steve Merchant and little Carl Pilkington. It's getting

exciting because it's a special time of the week where he gets to talk about a cheeky freak of the week. Well just get rock busters out the way, right? because I've got to put these prizes in their post bag now because I'm shooting off. Yeah, because you've got to go early. So I don't know how you do your job. You went to Manchester. You went to Madera. You had a day off because your trousers were wet and you had a cold.

And now you're shooting down their their the. How do you get your work down and you've got one job? Me and Steve got loads of things to do. Because that man fast let me work, like I said, the prize is ready and packed up. Heian. No one's being affected by me shooting off early. Right? Okay. So, rock busters answers got them out the way a bit earlier. Right? So here they are. First one. He's got th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi's got thi's got thi's got thi's got thi's got thoom. thi. thi. thoom. thoom, thoom! thoom! thoom- thoom. thoom. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I th. th. I th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. And thi. And thoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. And the. And th. And th. here they are. First one, he's got American coins all the way down his spine. Yeah. Why would that be? Initial was N. Nickelback. Nickelback. I got all these this week. Right. Second one, Jeremy Bedeal has got arthritis. What's going on there? Stiff little fingers? And the third one, Foxy, Shipman and... No, and a country in western singer you said. Now what's the initials? What's that? that? that? that? that? that? that? that? that? th. th. that? th. that? that? th. that? that? th. that that that that th. that that that that that that that that that th, that th, th. th. Why that th, why would th? that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th? th? th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Why the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the initial their their their thiii. thii. their thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th F. Stiff Little Fingers. And the third one, Foxy, Shipman and... No, and a country in Western singer, you said.

Now, what's the initial? S. D. Yeah. So, spin doctors. Yeah. I got that. But, and then I said to you, why is it a country in Western singer? And you said, Dr. Hook? Why is it, Dr. Hook? Why does that give anyone the clue, Dr. Hook, Dr. Hock, a, the clue, the clue, the clue, the cc, the cc, the cc, the cc, the cc, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, and, and tho, and their, and their, and their, their, their, their, tho, tho, th. S, th. S, and, th. S, and, and, th. S, th. S, th. S, th. S, th. S, th. S. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thin, tho. And, thoo. And, and, and, tho. And, and, their, and, their, the clue Dr. Hook, a country in Western singer? It's just what was in my mind? Well, there we are. There we are. So, it was changed this to rockbusters or what am I thinking? You could have had Dr. Dre. What's in my mind? You could have had and the medics? All right. Just think it through. Who's the winner? The winner, very lucky, Sandra Cassidy of Leon C, she gets all those great prices.

You know we've actually have people emailing in saying, this is the worst rockbusters ever, because it was too easy, it was boring. Don't shoot the messenger. Oh dear. Other people saying, it really has run its course. Oh, car, this must hurt mate. Stinging attacks on you. Some people were just slagging you off generally saying you winge all the time. It looks like Steve was right when he sort of, like, poohoos your ideas. So when he uh, when he whee's on your bonn. Someone else emailed and said don't bother sending me the prizes, the them to a charity shop or pawn them them. them. them. them. them. them. So, them. them. them. them. they. they. they. they. they. they. Oh, they. Oh, they. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, to, they. Oh, th. Oh, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, thr-I. Oh, thr-I's, thr-I's, thr-I's, thr-I's, thr-I's, thr-I's, thr-I's, thr-I's thr-s. Oh, take them to a charity shop or pawn them, give me the money I'd rather have it. So I don't know what to say, Carl, I just wonder if it really has run its course now.

All right, well we'll see what you come up with next week now. Let's see what you do, let's see what you come in with. Sure. At five to one. I'm a five to one. I'm gist. I'm guessing you. I'm guessing you. I'll gifting. I'll gi. I'll tho. I'll tho. I'll tho. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll just. I'll just. I'll just. I'll just. I'll just. I'll just. I'll just. I'll just. I'll just. I'll just. I'll just. I'll just. I'll just. I'll just. I'll just. I'll just. I'll just. I'll just. I'll just. I'll th. I'll just. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll just. I'll just. I'll th. I'll just. I'll just th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll just th. I'll just th. I'll just th. I'll just th. I'll just th. I'll just th. I'll just th. I'll just the. I'll just thr. I'll just th into you I'll do it myself at home. Because obviously I'm not eating here. Oh dear. Are you actually going to be here next week or are you still going to be in Cornwall? No, you see there again I'll be back, I'll be back in the time. And in the week when I go to, you know, Cornwall to see the monkey world. Yeah, that's still work. That's that's that's that's that's that's the the the their their that's their their their their their their their their their th. th. th. that's that. that. that. that. that. tho. that. that. that. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. Oh, tho. Oh, th. Oh, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, that, that, that, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, ta. Oh, too. Oh, too. Oh, too. Oh, too. Oh, tho. Oh, tho. Oh, tho. Oh, you were going to interview some of the monkeys? I love that. I love that.

You were going, could a monkey live without bones? And so I'm going, Carl, shut the, please, just look at the monkeys and eat your ice cream. And that's work, is it? Right? Right. Are we having a cheeky freaky? What's the time have you got sure of? I could do with shooting off sort of soonish. Okay. Be honest.

This is not radio. Have you ever heard that on a radio show? Chris Tarrant going, I got a shor horrible. I know. I really, I couldn't get a later train. I know. What did you get a later train? There isn't a later train.

Oh, I've booked it now anyway. Right, well that's the point, isn't it? Yeah. Whatever, whatever, I don't think the show's lost anything. I think we've still had the, you know, freak of the week all right well we've had some interesting things we've been looking at this week it's about the strangest couple that ever got married I'm ha ha ha ha ha ha and we've had two sets of chimps so it's stranger than that oh

it's not down with that! Oh, it's not Dale Winton and now the calendar, is it? It's not your parents, is it? Well, we're going back again, so now, I think this is about 1940? Yeah, whatever. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. He had the skin of a lizard okay and the woman who he married the woman who we married Airees woman ever right and that was their act they used to tour the world and they'd say you know it's like you know a couple who've met having a great life they're having a great life it's got him out on stage here they are and they'd uh and they'd uh you know it's like you know a couple who've met having a great life uh let's get them out on stage here there and they'd the what do you mean he had a skin of a lizard first of all that's what that's what that's what it said he had some sort of some illness so he was so he was called lizard man and you'd like that because it was good

description I thought that's good I, right? Yeah. I'm meeting the hairiest woman in the world. She's over there. Yeah. So what did they do for their act? Um, bear in mind that we had some Siamese twins last week and their act was having a bath. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I the. I the the the the the the the the the the th. I the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their. I. I. I their. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the th. I th. We. I th. We're. We're. We're. He. He. He. He th. He. He's. He. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. I the an improvement on that. What did Liz, what did Lizard Matt? He came out and ate some flies, did he? I don't really know, I just think they stood there and that. What do you, when you read this and it goes to the most interesting fact ever? Uh, Lizard Man, you go, that's enough. That's enough. I can extrapolate from that. But straight away I start thinking, I thing, I'm thing, I th, I'm thing, I th, I'm th, I thii, I th, I th, I th, I thi, I thi, I th, I thin thin thin, I th, I th, I th, I th, I just thin, I just thi, I just thin, I just thin, I just they just they just they just they just they just they just they just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just they they, I just they, I just they, I just they, I just they, I just they, I just th, I just thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin, just thin, just thin, just thin, just th just thin, just th just thin, just th just thin, just th just thin, just the thin, just the the, just the, just they just they And then like it said that they had a kid. Oh what would that be like? Exactly, exactly. It would be like an ostrich wouldn't it? It would sort of like. That's

what I was thinking? What did you think it would come out like the baby? I didn't think what that looked like. I just was thinking, oh parents evening. Do you know you wouldn't want him coming up to the school would you? So little Johnny who starts off relatively normal, he's quite good at, you know, he's good at nature, isn't he? And it's mom and dad come into the room and they'd be looking around wouldn't they? Well it's always like that thing at school when like you find out your mates, mom and dad are really old. You ever seen that? Yeah. When you go, yeah, sure. When you go, you go yeah yeah if you had you know if you had you know if you had you know if you had Godzilla and King Kong as your parents yeah and it and they're always fighting they're always fighting and you know you like you say you're in a school play or something you you wouldn't tell him would you?

You wouldn't want to come out with a video camera. He didn't tell his parents he was in the when we were... Well exactly. You did little donkey you didn't tell you dad did and he came along and videoed it. Yeah was that? Kept drum, I think it was meant to be playing We Three Kings. Yeah, but he started doing little donking, I thought I can add a touch to this. Sure, you probably. It started playing a lot of love to. It was like the first remix, wasn't it? It went down well.

But yeah, that's all I was thinking with thinking how lucky they are, that you know, they don't have to comb their face. What are you talking about? What do you mean, freak of the week is to let people know how lucky they are? Just... what about the little freak you're talking about? What are they thinking? They're going, oh he's's talking about me I'm a little hairy lizard man on a stick pop in gives a call you know that's that's what I'd like to do on a TV program that's what I want to do I want to go and like meet these people and say right let's just go shopping let's you know

we'll film what your normal days like yeah let's pop out. Nick into Sainsbury or whatever. Yeah. Uh, you know, buy a comb. Park right up close to it. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. So what you're saying is you just want to get a little message out there, which is that there's always someone worse off than you. Well, there's proof of that in this room.

that's proof of to get going now. I'll see you later. Thanks, Carl. Brilliant. What are you thin? You're going to play a song? I'll see you later. Cheers.

Cursty McCall, New England. Carl Pilgerton has left the building. He's rushed away. He's on his way down to Cornwall. And we're left by ourselves. Indeed. In the room. See if we can do this. If we can press all the buttons and not make any mistakes, strictly speaking there's no need for Carl. I don't mind if we make mistakes. We never worried in the old days. No sure. I think Carl. I think Carl. Because I think one, the mayor is probably an animal. Yes. And I imagine the town mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor mayor is the mayor mayor mayor the mayor is the mayor is the mayor the mayor is the mayor is probably the mayor the mayor the mayor is the mayor their their their their the mayor is probably their their to their their to their their mistake their mistake their mistake their mistake their mistake the I imagine the townsfolk think like Carl. Yeah. Do you know I mean? I imagine it probably stay there. It'd be made king. Have you ever seen Return of the Jedi?

In Return of the Jedi, the Ewoks, the little furry creatures, they see C3PO and because he can talk and he's and he can speak the language, they actually elevate him. Oh, he's got back. What are you doing? What are you going to stay to stay to stay to stay to stay to stay to stay th? You going to stay to stay th? You going th? You to stay th? You th? You th? You th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? Probably th? Probably th? Probably thing thi? Probably thing? Probably th th th th th probably probably probably probably probably probably probably probably probably probably probably thing probably probably probably he he he? he? he? the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th? Probably th? Probably th? Probably thi? thi? thi? thi? to stay stay stay stay stay stay stay stay to stay stay to stay stay to stay to stay stay to stay stay to stay stay that that th Are you going to stay till the end? What are you doing? What are you doing? Right? Well there he is, he's on his way down to Cornwall. I mean like the calendar that's everything about it. But you know, on a clothesline with a bean tin at one end and a big bean tin in London. I'm cool in London. Yeah, or if the foil helmet you wear to bend off laser rays from aliens in space and somehow picking up the show, then Carl's on his way, look for you.

He's the bold one. Because he's got a sort of like, you know, the obligatory sort of red face that go well down there now. Because I think he's been the the the the then, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's been, he's been, thua, thua, thi-a, thi-a, thi-a, thi-a, thin, thin, thin, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thin'-a, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, to-a, to-up, to, to, to, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th.. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho-a, thoomomoomoomorrow, thoan, thoan, to-a'-a'-a'er's, to-a'er's, to-a'er's, thoomorrow,think he's been out in the sun or he was you know pre-boiled when he came in but he's rushing down to Cornwall now going from Pannington Station so you know if you're hanging if you're in the Paddington station area you want to pop down there and sort of wave him off then do yeah don't be afraid that's not a that's not a dirty sexual act wave him off yeah yeah wav the the th yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th to to to to to to to to to th th th th to to to to to to to to to to to to to th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the to to the to to to to to to to to to to the to the to the the the the Carl dot Pilbton XFM dotK UK send him anything just clog up his email I mean because he gets stressed at work so if you can send him three or four emails each

over the next week so he's got to read them all but disguise them don't make him look rubbish so he's at least he's got open him a look at them or you know some some just phone his line as well, just ask him, ask Carl and leave long messages on his voicemail. Yeah, so if you can, just for us, just for me and Steve, remember it is mine and Steve show, Carl is merely like, you know, the icean on the cake. If Carl can come back maybe next Friday or Saturday or Monday whenever he comes back to about to, to, to, to, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the them.. them. them. themue. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. the the their, thi. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the message, the message, the message, the message, the message, the message, the message. And, the message, the message. And, the message. And, the message. And, the message. And, their. And, their. And, th. And, the th. And, th. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, they. And, they. And, they. And, they. And, to about 250 emails and 200 voicemail messages.

If you put down when it says what's the name of the message to title the message, if you put monkey news or monkey information they'll have to open it then because it'll be intrigued even if it's not about monkeys. Yeah. Do that anyway. Yeah. And yeah voice messages. Leave them long. I like this information. Disguthat it might be important yeah just so he has to listen through I wish I'll give his own mobile out but you know that that is just too cool but anyone can get him XFM and of course we've given out as a email before so I mean I mean go mental there are plenty of ways to torture Carl Pilkington I mean I mean we've we're doing all we can the to today but we're only two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their they. their their their their their they. their they. they. their they. their their they. their their their their their they. their their the only two people. But we're only two men. You know what I mean? So listen, go, go berserk. We'll be back next Saturday and you'll leave with a song for the lover, song for the ladies,

whatever. It's a beautiful track. A song for the sunshine. It's Lily White by Cat Stevens. And we've done it. We don't need Carl. Definitely not. See you next week.