The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Xfm S3E3 (November 15, 2003)

Episode Date: September 4, 2022

During the hiatus, Pilkington signed on with Gervais and Merchant’s talent agent, and negotiated a deal with XFM to get Mondays off in exchange for continuing to do The Ricky Gervais Show on Saturdays. This was a frequent topic of contention during this run with Gervais repeatedly accusing Pilkington of being lazy for demanding an entire day off on exchange for doing 2-hours of work on Saturdays.This show began airing again in November 2003 and broadcast for 12 weeks until January 2004 when Gervais and Merchant went on hiatus to film series 1 of their new show, ‘’Extras’’.

A retro cut there, thin Lizzy. Don't believe a word on XFM 104. I'm Ricky Jovey with me, Steve Merchant. Bab-Doo, who's that over there? It's Carly Pilt Boys. Are you right, Carl? Oh, that's great. Yeah, come on, up, up, up, up, biga-up, up, yeah. Project. There's people out there wanting to, you, you, that, that, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, you, you, you, th. Oh, you, th. Oh, thea, you, to, to, to, the, the, the, the, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, tho, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, that's, th. Oh, that's, th. Oh, that's, th. Oh, that's, that's. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, tha, tha, tha, tha. Oh, tha. Oh, tha. Oh, tha. Oh, tha. Oh, tha. Oh, tha. Oh, tha. Oh, tha. Oh,, up, up, yeah? Project, project, project, there's people out there wanting to, you know, cheer up there Saturday afternoon.

We're the boys for it, yeah? We're like quick, quick fitters. Come on, come on. Come on, come on. Come on! I'm all right, I'm up for it. That's it, you're a hundred percent? This is you off your head is it high on life? What did Suzanne say about you saying about a big ass? Go on. She heard about it.

Should we recap what happened last week? Well the week before, he said, he said, she was a bit grump. Well, the week before he said, he'd told her, the that she would never hear about this. What happened when you went home? She heard about that for mate and we sorted it out, didn't have to buy her anything. I just sort of said come on, you know what the show is about and that, stop moaning. That was all right until about Thursday when I was reading about, uh, do you know like they say there's like two worlds and that and Whatever I'm doing now here, there's another one of me doing the same. Yeah, but well no, he's probably taking some time off

Yeah, but I was just talking about that and she was saying no that doesn't happen and I sort of said well They definitely won't have a haircut like yours, right? But that sort of started the argument? Yeah, that doesn't happen and I sort of said well they definitely won't have a hair cup like yours right and that sort of started the argument again it's almost like you haven't learned your lesson also it's like you're talking about it again an air almost in a way so it makes clear again it's very short learning again you know Carl if there was a if I cut a hole in a in a box and you know there was an orange in there, right, and you put your hand in, would you be stuck there trying to get that orange out, do you think?

Or would you just like let it go and sort of tip upside down to getting it out? What do you mean? What do you mean? I think that answers your question. Is that a cardboard box on your head? So is there any other things you want to criticize Suzanne for while we're on air? Anything else that's been niggling that you thought you should get off your chest? The hair, the arse? Leave it? Leave it. Leave it. I think so. Okay. That's good. I think leave it.

Well done. Now can we just check what are the big car features we got today? We got Monkey News coming out, yeah. We got a bit of, got rockbusters and the film thing that... Still not got a name. The film thing. Just me and a film and that. And uh, brilliant thing. This week we're digging out the old, the one, I Yeah, brilliant film. It was my favourite film so I saw Godfather. It's better than that. Well, you know, yeah, some would say that, yeah. No, it is. The storyline's more interesting.

I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. the the the tho. because I don't embarrass myself. Where is it my fourth favourite film is it? Brilliant. Talking of lists. I suppose I like Kez and the Elephant Man, do I? Do I? Do you? Lists, Rick. I don't know if you saw in the paper, it's I think it's on TV this evening. It's as voted for by viewers of VH1, the music channel and they've

basically come up with a list of the greatest pop culture icons ever. There's a hundred. Where's Elvis? So Elvis is for instance his number three. Jimmy Dean in there? James Dean is in there I think he's a bit lower. Let me see he's number twenty two, twenty two. We've got David Beckham at number one. Oh well okay well then so Robbie Williams is in there so it's British bias. Yeah they. Robbie they. Robbie they. Robbie th. Robbie th. Robbie. Robbie. Robbie. Robbie. th. Robbie. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to. to. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their. Elvis. So. So. Elvis. their. Elvis. Elvis. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. the the the the the the the the the th. Elvis. th. Elvis. Elvis. Elvis. Elvis. Elvis. Elvis is. So. nine he's just just a below Abba. Oh okay. But interestingly this is of interest to you I think number 66. Yeah. The office. That's right. Well it is Rick it's nice that the show is in there and that's a very flattering thing. I tell you what undermines it I tell you what undermines it the things that are lower in the list than th. the th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tho. I tho. I tho. I the they. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. th. th. th. I'm. tre. tre. I'm. I'm. tre. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. tell you what undermines it, the things that are lower in the list than the show. Oh God, so we've beaten... Well, I'll give you a little test.

Higher or lower? Do you think this is higher near the top of most important pop culture icons or lower than ours? Okay, I'm going to 30s, one of the biggest icons on the planet. I say higher. Lower. Ludepurs. Okay.

Do you think higher or lower? Neil Armstrong, the first man on the moon. This guy's been to the moon? Well, I'd say lower then. Lower. Yeah. Yeah, um. Is that saying the people behind the rocket or just him?

Because he just sat in it, didn't he? He just sat on it. He didn't do anything. No, but it's the icon. It's not. It's not. It's not how much work went into it. All right. A few others. What about things like Coca-Cola? Oh no, they don't really count. It tends to be... I mean Mickey Mags is in their th. Is is in their. th. Is is in th. th. th. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. tho. th. th. th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. th. th. th. th. Yeah. th. th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the the the the the th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the't really count it tends to be... I mean Mickey Mags is in there. What do you make, what do you reckon Tom Cruise, higher or lower? Tom Cruz is the number one box office movie star in the world. Well presumably lower he's number 81 just about scraped in there. It really is a list drawn up by people who just sat home and looked along their video and book collection. Yeah Yeah that's a reflection they they're that that that they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're th. It's thi th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's the the the the they they th. It's th. It's the. It's the. It's the. It's the. It's to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the. What the. What their video and book collection. Yeah, that's good. Well I think it is a reflection but it's al also saying that they you do an HMV poll and it's pet sounds revolver let's get it on. Robbie Williams life

through a lens because it's you know it's the people that vote it's reflection of like those massive you know what's big at the moment I was the most powerful man in comedy let's that the th. the th. th. th. the th. th. th. th. tho. th. I tho. I tho. I tho. I tho. I tho. I tho. I tho. I tho. I'm tho. I'm tho. I'm tho. I'm tho. I'm their tho. I'm tho. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. th. th. th. they they they their they that they that that their that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that they're that they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're the moment? I was the most powerful man in comedy. Let's not forget one year ago When do I be this year? If that had been the laziest man in comedy He'd have got my vote. Interestingly though at number 26 Carl Pilkington Oh, I'm Ricky Javais with me Steve Merchant and She wonders if you could give a massive hello to Hannah and Charlotte and all in the sixth form at Cobthor School. Yeah, would you help them to listen? Would you give him a massive? Yeah, massive. Where are they from? I don't know, I can't quite pronounce it, it's a cobbler, massive?

Cobthor Massive? Yeah, they're probably. Yeah. So good lucked. something that's lacking on the show, interaction with the audience, you know. Interesting only to the one person whose name is mentioned. Of course. But that's how proper DJs fill out their time. They don't talk about monkeys and you know and all that kind of drivel. Oh, do you think monkeys are drivel, Carl?

Well, we'll still be doing a bit a bit of monkey news. It doesn't be a bit of the thakaker. thaker. thaker. thaker. tooomomomomomomomomom. tooom. tooom. tooom. too. too. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. tho. thi. thi. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's, th. That's, th. That's, th. That's, th. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, th. Oh, thi. That's thi. That's thi. That's thi. That's not thi. That's not thi. It's not the the the the the the the thoooooo. That's not th. That's not that's not that's not that's not thi. That's thi. have a pop at it. It's coming up in a bit. Got some good stuff this week. I know it's been a bit dull. Last two weeks. Well no, it's not been dull, it's been totally untrue. As ever. Bordering on the impossible. I mean, monkey dating, saying what tree are we meeting in? You believe that sort of drivel. So, I mean, I, I mean, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I, oh, I, oh, I that, I'm, oh, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, it's that's that's that's not, it's not, it's not that's not that's not that's not that's not. It's not that's not that's not that's not that's not. It's not. It's been that's been that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's that's that's that's that's that's th. It's th. It's th. It's been th. It's been threat. It's been tot. It's been totally. It's been totally. It's been totally. It's been totally. It's been totally. It's been th. It's been th about a chimpanzee once. It was about, but it was about how it escaped from the zoo and it jumped on a bus. Okay, interesting, funny. I did that one. But is the possibility in that one being true? I did that one.

I think you said something like he drove the bus or he was conducting it or I think you said he took it to Spain. Do you see the difference? It's that little stretch of credibility that means it's all shite. How is Jonathan Ross? All right? Is he I wonder how long before his name popped up? How is he? How is the old monkey? Looking forward to his birthday Monday? Oh dear. I don't know if any of the listeners saw Ricky on Jonathan Ross's TV show last night. What? I mean, man a life.

Well, it's not an interview. How is that an interview? What? It's not, he wasn't interview. He was like two pals, just having thia. th. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. the the th. thi. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. tho. tho. tho. tho. How, how, how, how, their. How. How, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. How. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He's. He's. It. He's. It's. It's. It's. He's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's interview? What? It's not, he wasn't interviewing you, he's like two pals, just having a laugh. And if we had, it was like it was a family do, and you just happened to film it and stick it on the tele. My friend made a good point. It was like any minute his kids were going to pop out, sat on that sofa next to you and go, oh Uncle Ricky, do it do the little dance. It was unbelievable. I mean what were you wearing for a start? What's that? Some tatty old jumper like you've just been doing some R-texting and you've gone pot-row over it? We're having a couple of drinks. That's a lot of thears. Jumbrae.

I'm just, yes, I know. Trendy, jambles. I mean, how old you're a trendy jumper. Underpants? Um, what's it? A French connection one? That's, I. What, I. What, I? What, I? What, I? What, I? What, I? What, that? What, that? What, that? What's? What, that? What, that? What, that? What, what? What, what? What, what? What, what? What, what? What? What, what? What, what? What, what? What, what? Some, what? What, what? Some, what? Some, what? Some, what? Some, what? Some, what? Some, what? Some, what? Some, what? Some, what? Some, what? Some, what? Some, what? Some, what? Some, what? Some, what? Some, what? Some, what? Some, what? Some, what? Some? Some, that? Some? Some, that? Some, that? Some, that? Some, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, that, that, tie? Some, that, tie? Some, tie? Some, tie. Some, tie. Some, tie. Some, tie. Some, some, some, some, tie? Some, some, some, some, some, some got? You've got loads of stuff, t-shirts, jumper, shoes, underpants? What's it? A French connection one? But that's not my concern. That's not my concern. No, it's just the fact that, I mean, firstly, the fact that Ricky, for those of you don't realize, Ricky is friends with Jonathan Ross. They are friends. Now, they've only known each other, a year maybe? About two, yeah. It's less, I think it's less than two. And what worries me is, you're, the friendship's too close. What do you mean?

Because you're over 40. You see, it seems to me that after the age of 25, men, should not be becoming really close friends with other men. It's just like you've had all your friends. If you're in a way walker life and you met someone at a party or a pub, even if you got on you would not be phoning them every other day like going to an award to do, what you wear and what you wear and I think I might wear this, is it too formal, is that going to be too formal? It's not true. It's not true.

It's always on the phone. . . . and it's to me it's unhealthy and this is just bled over now on to TV so whoa whoa whoa so you're there it's like I tell you what you're riding me off Des O'Connor and Jethro coming on to Pergi's live video and Tarby and Kenny Lynch and then at the end of the interview after they've been you know mutually backslap in yeah it gave you a pet

he gave you a cat as a replacement for your cat which dies. To me that's an inappropriate gift. Why it's a lovely gift? It's a lovely gift. You should be, I don't think people should be giving pets as gifts. Do you know what I've got in to a wedding without I just bought you a cat? Do you know what I've got him for his birthday? I've got him a child. Well you may as well because that's what it's like a cat to me a cat. I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I've a cat. I've a cat. I've a cat. I've a cat. I've a cat. I've a cat. I've a cat. I've a cat. I've a cat. I've a cat. I've a cat. I've a cat. I've a cat. I've a to be a to be a to be a cat. I've a to be a to be a to be a to be a to to to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be. I've a to be. I've a to be. I've a to be. I've a to be. I've a to be. I've a to. I've a to. I've a to. I. I. I've a the. I've a the. I've a the. I've a the. I've a the. I've a the. I've a their. I've a t. I've a t. I've a their. I've. I've a that. I've a that. I've a to. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've a him for his birthday. I've got him a child. Well, you may as well because that's what it's like a kid to me. I've got a small randon child. A cat to me is like I've bought you this small child. I was going to sponsor him, but I've got a bit of cash, I've flown him over. It's too, it's too intimate. It's too much responsibility. Do you know what I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I th think I th think I th think I th think I th th th thi thi thi that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. It's th. It's the the th. It's the the the thi. It's the the. It's that. It's that. It's to be jealous I just remembered this. Your birthday? Jonathan Ross was there. Kyle Pilkington was there. Yeah, I don't remember being invited. I don't remember being invited. Was I there? Carr you were there.

I don't remember being there. I don't remember being there. But you're all with him all day. Well, yeah. But you're with him. He's he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he's a he he he he th. He's a he's a he he he he he he he he there. He was there. He was he was he was he was he was he was he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he sees he he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he sees he's around. He's around. He's around. He's around. He's around. He's around. He's around. He's around he's a th. He's a th. He's a th. He's a th. other day playing tennis and who else knows what swimming together in satin's jacuzzi cracking wise what happened there? What happened there? Oh we've got to the bottom of it play record. The villa that we went to afterwards could only sleep. It may as well have been. How is the cat alright? Yeah see what we need Jonathan? Holly. I'm not congenced to be with you in the daytime. It's that time. Ha-ya. Outcast, X-FM. One of 4.

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. Do you want to, what you got for us? All right, well, do you want to say what the prices are? Actually, the prices are just going to be the judge of that. Actually, what am I talking about? No, there's a two disc set, rock and roll legends on the cover there. We've got Buddy Holly, Elvis, Roy Orbson and Little Richard. No, no one the thinks. Who th. No one th. No one th. No one th is th. No one th is th. th. th. the prices thi the prices thi thi thi thi, the prices thi, the prices, the prices, you the prices, you're the prices, you're the prices, you're the prices, you are the prices, you're the prices are the prices are the prices, I the prices, I the prices, I'll the prices, I'll the prices, I's the prices, I are the prices, I the prices, I I I I I the prices, I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I the prices, I I I the prices, I the prices. I the prices. I th. I thi, I thi, I thi, I's prices. I's thi, I's thi, I'll thinks I'll their their tho tho-a. I'll tho-a' tho' tho-a' tho' tho' the prices are tho-a' the prices, I'll the prices, I'll the prices,y, a DVD. I'm a Nick Cave fan and I wouldn't watch it. You watch it once at most when there's nothing up. Knowing me knowing you. No, I mean, Knows, I mean, Knows, Knows, Knows, Knows. Knows, Knows, Knowing You're Knowing You.

A great series, obviously, but once again, on VHS. Once again. the scripts and all sorts of other stuff. If you're a League of Gentlemen fan, you'll love it. If you're not a League Gentleman, well there's nothing in this for you. No, exactly. So, you know you can either enter the hell of it. A pile of rubbish. Well, not as bad as the competition I suppose. So, go on. Well, you know how it works. Cryptic clues. It's not really cryptic. It's usually wrong. It's kind. So. So. So. th. th. th. the th. So. So, you. the th. So, you. the th. So, you. So, you. the th. So, you. So, you. So, you. So, you. So, you. So, you. So, you. So, you. So, you. So, you know. So, you. So, you. So, you know. So, you know. So, you know. So, you. So, you. So, you. So, you. So, you. So, you. So, you. So, you. So, you. So, you. So. So, you. So. So. So. So. So. So, you. So. So. So. So. So. So, you. So, you. So. So, you. So, the. So, you. So, you. So, you. So, you. So, you. the. the. the. the. the. the. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. So. So. So. So. So. Right, so the first one, these three of them, you're getting right, you win the stuff. First one, I'll get him close, I mean, because you could win this if you got one right, possibly. If you go to Chepstow you will. If you go to Chepstow, you will. Is that a clue? Is that a clue? That's a clue. Right. Say it again? If you go to chep the the the the to the to the the the the to the the the the the the th. If th. If th. If th. If th. If th. If you th. If you th. If you th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I th. I th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll the first. I'll the first. I the first. I the first. I the first. I I the the the first. I I I I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll. th. I'll. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. And what are the initials? Just S. Just S. All right. Second one, E.T is upset. What's up with him? All right? E.T is upset. What's it was that for? What's wrong with him? All right? It's different. So not cryptic. So go on. M. E. The initials there. M. M. M. M. M. E. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. I for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. I. M. M. I. M. M. I. M. M. I. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M? M. M for mother. M-E. All right. And the third one, I had a tape with...

Jesus. Imagine Bob Holness doing this against, in the gold run, against the clock. Right. Oh I had a tape, no I had a tape with some of it. I had a tape with like umpty-dumpty on it. And Ic.R. And I broke it. All right. Constantly listening to it, so try to figure them out. Try and solve the gripe. Yeah.

The initials there. B.R. Right R right so first one if you go out to chepstow you will the initial S ETs ET's upset what's up with what's up with ET is upset what's up with ET is upset what's up with ET yeah the initials there M E E that is the initials there M E is that yeah yeah let's go to that one more time. If you go to the Chips though, you might I know. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, he teas a bit upset, what's gay? What's that, what, hey dude, what's the matter, man? And he had a tape with like umpty-dumpty on it, icery, d'ickery, d'ok, stuff like that. Doesn't work anymore. What's what's going on th?? What th. What th. What th? What th? What th? What th? What th? What th? What th? What th? What th? What th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th that? that? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah. th. th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It. It's th. Yeah. It's th. It's. It's. Yeah. It's. It's. It's. Yeah. It's. Yeah. It's. Yeah. It's. Yeah. It's th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's the the the the there. B.R. First time we said, well you broke it. I broke it then. Is that important or not?

Yeah. I broke it. And you say it's B? B.R. Okay. Okay. Well, you can text if you have a mobile phone. So everyone, there's no excuse to not take part.

83XFM is the phone. I think. XFM or the phone number, no the phone obviously, we don't know what the B might stand for. And otherwise it's Ricky.Jivade at XFM.co. No. No. We'd love to hear from you. Oh, it sucks the lifeblood. Oh, it sucks.

Just listening to Rockbusters. Something to bring you down even further. Oh, the moment. One is called Rock and Roll. It's not great. Don't really bother with that one. Do dig out though Love Is Hell Part 1 from Ryan Adams. It's available at different places and you'll find this on it. Track 5 Wonder War his version of Oasis. Absolutely beautiful, isn't it? To treat XFM 104. You of course don't ever take the tube anywhere, Rick. You haven't done that for years. Take cars everywhere or you walk.

Are you going to lift from Jonathan? But me, I still force to take the tube which is also very embarrassing at the moment because I'm not forced to take the tube I am. What do you mean you're forcing? What am I made of money? You could walk. You can walk you can drive why don't you buy a car? Oh yeah driving into the center of time congestion charge you paying that Carl? So, uh, oh yeah, because he's Mr. Flush, he's Mr. Lavish with his cash. I've moved in close, I know, I'm not moaning about it, I walk everywhere now. I'm pleased for you. I'm old about it, but then I sorted it out.

But you're always winting it anyway, let's not get on to you, Carl. It's always you, you, Carl. So, um... What's up with Steve today, to think, Carl? What's going on? He's having a go, isn't he? It's not helping those posters being on the tube of us. That's not helping. That's not helping. I don't have to one, I can't avoid it. I wanted to wait and I look around and I said, oh, it's us again. And he's so embarrassing because it looks like you're stood next to it deliberately.

But I can't browse in HMV now. I went last week. And you keep, I come out to pictures or cardboard cutouts of Brent, right? And I was in a bookshop and I was looking at there's a big omenk of it, right, their, th like cutting time, and there was a picture of me. And just as I started looking at this right up of the office, a top on the shoulder, it was one of the works there, I said, do you mind signing some script books? So she saw me looking at myself. Yeah, yeah. And I wanted to go, you know, I just, you know I just turned to that page. There was a book, I was looking at a book, the book, the book, the book, the book, the book, the book, and a book, and a book, and, and, the book, and, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, it, it, it, it, it, their, it, it, their, it, it was, it was, their, their, it was, it was, it was, it was, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, the, the, the w... It, on, on, on, on, on, the w. It, on, the, their, their, their. Top, the, the, the, tap. Top, tap. Top, tap. Top, the, the. Top, the. Top, the. Top, their, their, their, it was, their. It was like the 80s set of sitcoms or something like that and I genuinely was looking up other shows because it was about other comedy shows and I was looking up to me like that and I was a guy that I knew came up to me like that and I just started like oh Robin's nest where it's like yeah birds with a feather I just got in comedy so it's like it's like I'm interested in comedy well of course well of co-you're the the tube it's the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their boy I'm their boy boy boy boy boy I'm their their their their their their their their their their their their their I'm their I'm their I'm going their I'm going their I'm going their I'm their I was their I was their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th th th th th th toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy toy things th th th th th th th th th th th th, they're kind of around the corner, so you don't sort of expect them. And I'm sort of running now from kind of corridor to corridor, pillar to pillar, to avoid

being stood next to this picture. In case I looked like someone who stands next to his picture, trying to get recognized. Oh, of course Carl didn't want his little round bald head on that. Yeah. But I was on the tube today and you know you sometimes you can't help but overhear a conversation. And this one woman, there were two friends, they were sat there and one woman said, um, she just said, oh I must tell you this, I must tell you this. I was in the pub last night and Dave called and I said Dave and I said Dave, he said I can't hear you so I held Dave, it's not, I said he said I can't hear you. So I held the phone up so he could hear all the noise in the pub.

That was it. That was the anecdote. That was the story. And I wanted to lean over to her friend and say, unless this woman has given you a kidney or saved you from drowning. Do not be friends with her. Because what's th is th is th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thus was tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. that is tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. the. the. He. He's. He's. He's the. He's thean. He's thoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. with her. Break up this friendship. She hasn't got anecdotes. Because what's that? And I've got acquaintances like that. Well, you know you speak to me, get cornered apart.

You know, this is the person who has not got anecdotes. The anecdotes, they're not stories. They just, that's it. It's like, house on fire. Put your number, his number straight in your mobile. Well we've exchanged numbers because he's got some great anecdotes. You have to delete mine because you know you got so many. I might write with him because he's funny. He did this thing and it was absolutely brilliant. He's doing a, he wrote, he's a great guy.

He's a funny, That's what I loat I think. It's the fact that like somehow you're sort of, because it's like you haven't got to go through the formalities of making friends with someone because they, well I respect your work, you respect mine, you know I'm a funny guy, you've seen my work. Let's be friends, yeah, of course. And it's like, it's a horrible kind of icky sort of... Listen, Steve, me, me and to. to, me, me, me, me, me, me, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, th. Because, th. Because, th. to, th. Because, th. Because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, th. Because, th. Because, th. Because, th. Because, th. Because, th. Because, th. Because, th. Because, th. Because, th. Because, th. Because, th. Because, th. Because, th. Because, th. Because, th. Because, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th year we didn't know each other what seven eight years yeah so come to that one yeah yeah yeah well can I tell you what I need to wear the waiters outfit oh god oh dear PIMP, I 50 cent or Fiddy cent as I call him, XFN1, the FI-M0 4.9, I'm Ricky Javais, you're Steve Merchant and there's little Carl Pilking Bod over there.

All right? All right, yeah, not bad, not bad. Listen, um... Oh, he's precked up. Oh, he's back in the area. Well, you got something to say? I was kept quiet in the first time. I'll let you get on with it.

What you've got to say? Is it about monkeys, Chinese people or little gay fellas? It's about little gay fellas. Is it? What's this? Go on? Yeah, but not, the because I'm actually going to make a tally let me just note that don't you? No no but it fascinates me on it all stuff like that that's a bit sort of different yeah yeah yeah what like monkeys and Chinese people well and that thing you were

showing me before the half woman you weren't you weren't impressed with that well no that woman that's got two pieces of genetic makeup in there where it was two separate sperms and two separate eggs, fused and she came out as sort of a normal person, but she had this residue of genetic material, and so she's had two children that aren't genetically the same as her. Right? And they showed it in the paper by doing her half white and half black to show the two different, you know what I mean?

Does she look like that? I said, course not, he went not interested then. Of course. How could I tell? Not interested in that at all. If I had said she's given birth to a monkey, fascinated, straight away. Well anyway. Go on. But that's what I'm saying, I'm just interested in weird stuff. Yeah. So am I? that's what the that that that's what I that's what I that's what I that's what I that's what I that's what I'm that's what I'm that's what I'm that's what I'm that's what I'm that's what I'm that's what I'm that's what I'm that's what I'm that's what I'm that's that's what I'm that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's their. I their. I their. I their their their their their. I their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their that's inter. I. I that's inter. I that's inter. I That's why you're on the show. Talking about little gay fellas and that. Yeah. Northern Line, Beach, Underground Tube thing. Not the boy band. Right. Apparently, on a Saturday night, late, I don't know what that is, what time late is in the sort of gay community as we've discussed before but apparently the last carriage on the Northern Line they all get in there.

What do you mean they all get in there? They sort of tech over the last carriage of the Northern Line on a Saturday night. Right. And it's like the gay the gay carriage. Right. And what exactly do they do? They just travel about on the Northern Loanian. I'll just have a chat on that and like, just stick on the communards. How do you know? Someone tell me. See this, I mean, I'm glad you've informed me because it wouldn't bother me but I feel I should be told about these things because I'm likely it's not that it'd be a problem it's just I might feel a little uncomfortable if there's a lot of people in you know the black the black leather gear and the moustaches the hats. I mean to be quite honest they'd be annoyed of course because they'd be expecting something a little bit you know what do you mean?

What do you mean? Well, well, they're of the gay, you know, they look after themselves, not good, keep themselves. Some of them work out, yeah. You see this is the problem I have because there's a lot of areas in London and elsewhere in the country where there's a sort of, you know, it's a gay thing, you know it's a gay public You're confused and I said it's a cottage. That's a term for where I gave me, going to toilets to sort of meet and greet each other. Well I, I, uh... I was at the public library in Bristol once doing some studies from a sixth form. And I think the toilet was closed in the library. I was dying of some toying. And I popped out and there there, I there, I there, I there, I there, I was there, I was there, and there, and there, and there, I was there, and there, I was there, and there, I was there, I was there, I was there, I was there, I was there, I was the the the the tho, and I was there, I was thoomeree, I was thoomeree, I was thoomeree, I was there, I was there, I was there, I was there, I was there, I was there, I was there, I was there, I was there, I was there, I was there, and I was there, and I was there and I was there and I was there and I was there and I was there and I was there and I was there and I was there and I was there and I was there and I was thoved and I was thoved and I was thoomo-a. tho-anded and I was a tho-aughed and I was a toed and I was a told told told tho-and thoom't believe my luck. Dash down there, it was about sixish in the evening I was working late, I was studying hard. I went in there and I try to God I saw two

fellas with the... Is that unusual? Well no, that they were up to some high jinx. Do you know the thing that struck me? One of them had brighticle they were out in the where were the end of pants well around his ankles no yes I swear to God I'm not gonna make this up what oh yeah I don't know like how old you are in the six form 16 or whatever yeah and what did you do well I actually said oh I actually swore I said oh f me and then I went oh no no no I did and then I thought I'd I did I did I went oh if me no don't because I was panicked and I ran out and I was I went oh hang on mate and then I thought I better not tell him I might let him find out for himself he might be going there to join in he might have got a call come down

we're going crazy on each other's ass it's conspiracy conspiracy and crystal conspiracy. What annoyed me was... What an annoy me was... What an angered me Rick was was the fact that I wasn't notified that there was not... I didn't know there was no sign. And afterwards I spoke to other people about it and they said oh it's a famous gay home. But what annoys me is I feel that they should put an ad in their their their their their their their they they their they they their they they their their they their they their their their.......................... I. they they they their. I their. I their. I'm their. their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. What is. What is a their. What is a their. What is a their. What is a their. What is a their. What is a their. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was a th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm to to th. to to to to to told. to to th. I'm to told. I'm their their their the local press, a big paper, like once a week, like you know when they recall cars if they're damaged or there's a fault or couriers might bring back stuff if they're sort of faulty goods, they say recalling and we'll give you money back. In the gay community, should you put an ad in their just says, or little pictures or you know a map or something anything because like the gay tube thing I don't know... Cod fun! One two three railway cuttings. Well not that it's more of a kind

of it's more of a sort of social awareness thing. Yeah so people you know don't feel uncomfortable and... But they don't want exactly to be like sort of walking under a neon sign. Why it's legal. Yeah it's yeah big arrows. Oh, as if. What do you mean? What's wrong with that? Because... Well, it's actually a public play. I don't think it's... I don't think cottage.

But I don't even if it's specify what they're going to do. But some people, some of them aren't... I don't think it's probably seen gay. But they advertise gay. Yeah, but it's not, but it's not, Barbara Streisand, it's presumably the sort of people to do that, people that either aren't quite out yet or, do you know I mean? Or they're doing having a quick run over the way to their wife and kids. I don't know, I don't know completely how it works, but I'm sure there probably isn't

a place for like, um, free bumming here tonight. No, there is kind of. What? Because I was walking home one night through Soho, right? Just because that's the way I have to go, not because I too. You know what I mean? I wasn't going there for one that. Right? So I'm walking through. Right. And I was handed like a card, which was like a gay event. Right. Now that's a bit weird, isn't it, that straightaway is presuming that because I'm there that time of night. Well, and you've got a shaved head and you've sort of like, you know, you sort of like quite look after yourself and you've got some

nice clothes. Yeah, but it's still, you can't really. And you're going to look. And you're looking, you look. And you look, you look, you look, you look like, you look like, you look like, you look like, you look like, you look like, you look like, you look like, you look like, you look like, the the the the the the the the the the the th the th th th the th th the th tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that. that that, that, that, that, that, th. But the card was rubbish, right? What do you mean? I had this feller on it, all sort of greased up in that. What did you look? Just having a look, what, what, he handed me in that? Right. Just having a look. A picture of him sort of sailors out on tan body, like just his ass out like that. And rubbish slogan, right? The best bum? They're a noun or like a verb? What do you to? What? What? What? What? What? What? to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to look? What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What, what? What? What, what? What? What? What? What, what? What, what? What, to, to? What, to? What, to? What, to? What, to? What, to? What, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the or like a verb? What do you mean? What do you mean? To bum is it like get the best bum we've ever had or he had the best bum? I think it's I don't suppose you asked. No. What do you mean exactly why this? Do you mean you've got a great answer? Do you mean I will be well bummed or do you mean you've just got a good... Come on now? What? Just the

final point about, because I asked my friend how it all works upon the Heath, because I live in Hampstead and I was where I didn't want to go walk in and get involved in a how can you get involved? No again I didn't want to walk away. I couldn't say no. Oh my wrist, it's knackered. What do you mean? What was there for about two hours I must have gone about 43 of them? But you know I didn't like to say no because they were just they were so pleased to see me. Oh God. Well it's not so much the fear of that so much as the fact that again you don't want to gate crash someone else's party you don't know if some if there was a straight couple having sex you'd want oh I'm sorry and you'd want to avoid that area yeah of course but I just find it so someone told me and some

and they tell me how they they go off in the bushes and ding-dong. But it's like I don't know how that culture's developed. I love this program now. But why can't that be the case with women? That would be amazing. You just go out to the park, one in the morningambulator. Yeah, exactly. But that would be a joy if there was none of this formality. You've got to talk to them, buy them dinner. Oh, you're joking. Romance. Oh, no. It's this kind of informal thing. It would be great. So what would you, what

would you do then? You go up to a woman nice bush over there. Yeah, let's have a bit. Yeah, and then she'd go, yeah, great, thanks. I'm, you know, I'm killing some time before I, you know, pop into Tang. That'll be perfect, thanks. You make my weekend. So you're jealous of gays as well as me? It's a sense. Why? You get scared now? You pulled it up? Is it getting too close to the bone, so to speak? Radiohead and they're there on XFM. I'm Ricky DeBase with me Steve Merchant and Carl Pilkington.

I was talking to my dad the the day. He was saying he lived in Bristol and my family there on XFM. I'm Ricky DeVeis with me Steve Merchant and Carl Pilkington. I was talking to my dad the other day and he was saying he lived in Bristol and my family living Bristol and so they can't really listen to the show and so they can't really listen to your show. Imagine them listening to that last link and then you're seeing them at Christmas. Steve you never to to thlucluclucluclucluclucl. their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm listen th. I'm listen th. I'm listening th. I'm thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' th. I th. I they're they're to to to to to to to to to to to their their their their their their their they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're they're they're th. I thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' the an the an the an the an the an the an the an thean. I's thean. I's thi. I'll thi. I's thi. I thi. I th me saying them at Christmas, Steve you never told us you saw two boats bumming. Yeah, and then what's that about you jacking off three men? Exactly. You've got to say no, lad. I know you're a nice fellow, but just because they want relief, you're not the man for it. Oh dear. Must be so proud. Yeah. go out of Chepstow you will. Right, the initial was S. That was C horses. All right. That was the answer there. I'll give

you that. I'll give you that. E.T's upset. What's wrong with E.T. What's wrong with him? What's up with him? What's up with him? He was Missy Elliot. All right, Elliot. Elliot. It doesn't count at all. Missy Elliot. You know what's up? What's wrong?

What's what's it? What's up? What? What? What? What? What? ?.?.? the. the. the. the. th. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. th. to. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. th. th. the. the. th. th. th. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the...................................................................................................................................................'s what's the... What, what's it? What, what's it?

Yeah, go on. Right, and his mate, who's in it, it's called Elliot, yeah. Right, it's upset, what's up with him? Well, it's Missy Elliot. Missy Elliot. Missy Elliot, the way you'd say it, you'd say what's up, what's it, you, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th.. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, the, the, the, the, the, the, the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the, is, is, is, is, is, is she in, was it a thing in the film? Missing? Missing? Missing. Missing Elliot. Oh, no, no, no, no. It's meant to be about rock stars, isn't it? So it's just cryptic though, isn't it? Oh, no, that's not cryptic. That's not cryptic. Shit! Eww. the third one. Uh, the thi. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's meant. It's that's that's meant thr- Cry. It's meant that's meant that's meant that's meant that's meant that's meant that's meant that's meant that's meant that's meant that's that's that's that's that's that's that. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. It's. C. C. It's. It's. It's. It's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's meant. It's meant. It's meant. It's meant that's meant that's meant th. It's meant that's meant that's meant that's meant that's meant that's meant that's meant that's meant that's meant that's meant that's thi. Cry. Cry. Right, the third one.

I had a tape and it had umpty-dumpty on it and... I love it, he said umpty-dumpty. Icred, y'c. y'kary, y'kry, and that. But the tapes broke. Yeah. That was B.R. Bust the rhymes. Say that again, I don't understand. What do you mean? Oh, who's the winner, Steve? No, what? It doesn't, no, do you mean busted?

Well, it's kind of like that. Cryptic. No, no, cryptic doesn't mean change it. So it's not the same. Steve, who's the winner. the winner. It flashes that sent around the internet yeah and it flashes that after it thinks it's gonna be a spam email and every time it comes in with a rockbuster's

answer it just says suspected spam in a way let's let's let's give it to Catherine Jake ways from happening she's she's got those rubbish absolute rubbish you're talking about your parents listening, Carl, it was in heat this week and they mentioned that he does this thing on Sky, what is it? It's this thing with Richard Bacon, some programme about watching Telly and you just talk about what you're watching and that. And he was annoyed because his parents are not doing it, he's not going to turn up because they mentioned it in heat. And so his parents might watch? Yeah. Why are you worried about that?

I don't like him watching stuff do I to tell you? It dates back to when I did little donkey. I don't want people watching me. What was it just renew us on little? What happened? It was just, you know I was, I? I, I, I, I, I, I, I, to, to, to, to, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, to play the drums and that, in We Three Kings. I was loving it, you know, I got a bit carried away. How old were you? About 13? Yeah. Really? Probably.

Yeah. Yeah. Bugs. Between 16. Where old were you at? Uh... Okay, you were playing little donkey. No, no, no, no, no. No, but it was one in the same one. Do you know what I mean?

Oh, a Manchester school? What do you mean? What do you mean? Well, it's like, you... What, sweeping chimneys in the day and then, What are you talking about? What school were you at? Was it infants, junior or secondary? They didn't really do that. It was one way. What did you mean? You did have to abide by the laws of the land in Manchester? No, but it was a lot more like, like you had infants. Yeah. Also I'd like, the older lot. There's kids there, when you're in the younger year

and that, you'd see kids and you go, is their, talk, talk, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th, that people do when they're talking about schooling. I don't even want to talk about this. How old were you? I'm thinking, I'm guessing maybe six or seven or eight. So you went from 13 to six? Yeah, but like I say, it's hard to remember because... Imagine if you were giving evidence in a trial. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, I don't know. I mean, I can't really narrow it down other than seven years either way. You know theoretically, he could get called up for jury service. Right, you're on. Excellent. White Stripes. Hardest button to button on XFM. That's a frightening thought that you came up with before the break. Carl could be responsible for someone's rest of their life. Yeah, because jury service is that applies to anyone? Anyone

could get sent the form? I think you're obliged to go unless you have a really decent reason not to. Imagine it was a really really important trial. What annoys me is that isn't it supposed to be you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thus. thus. the th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their. their. their their their their their their their their try. their try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. Carl supposed to be your tried by 12 of your peers? 12 good men and true. Good men and true. But and women of course. The only thing I can hope is that the defense attorney would weed out car at an early stage. Oh yeah, objection. I object.

Yeah. Have you heard of something called Rockbus. Yeah. Well, sorry. You can't just object on that. Okay then what I'll tell you my client standing trial is a little gay Chinese fella and here are some of the tapes from XFM what was it doing? He's prejudiced. So how does it work then? How does what work? What do you mean? You just get called up and you have to do you have to do jury service unless you've got a very good reason and it's not I normally off. Yeah, yeah. Oh you wouldn't like that. Oh, you have to get that overnight. I've got to prepare monkey news. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you couldn't stand it. Just wouldn't do it. What would you say? Say, oh, I don't get me involved. Because I got involved once. Don't get involved once? No. Do you mean you got involved once? Well with the police and that when I lived in Manchester I saw a bit of a on right and I got involved it hassle telling you how did you get involved you phone the police yeah yeah yeah because I thought well I don't well that's

just that but I thought I don't know I did it with my underpants well yeah so and it's just a hassle loads of phone call canary I'm having to stand on a balcony of this you know tower block that I lived in the police the police the police the police the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they. I they. I'm they. I'm they. I'm they. I'm they. I'm they. I'm they. I'm the the the the the the the the the the police I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I'm the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tole. toy. I'm tole. ttoy. I'm the the the they. the the the the the the the the the the the the theower block that I lived in, police shouting up at me, I'm stood there with my underpants on, right? And what it was, a car had been robbed, right? So I call up this, they call up the police and that, right? Said, right, they said, right? they said, where is it? I said, I don't know, just all this, they're actually getting away, so, you know, we'll leave it. And she's like, no, we'll track it down, blah, blah, blah, so I said, well, look, I work nights. What could you see some lads just pushing a car? Pushing a car? Pushing a car? Yeah. And that's how they still, they're still, their. they're, their. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. they, th. th. th. they, they, they, we, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll. We'. We'. We'. We'. We'. We'. We'. We'. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll. We'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, the. the. trak. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. they'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll. th. away. In the south, yeah, they drive them away, like, start the engine. Can you get away a lot faster? What do the police do? Push their pan the car after them? Exactly. Say, come on, lads, don't cheat, don't get in the car. They're just pushing it. It was late at night and that. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. the way people. When the way. When, when people. When, when people. the way. the way. the way. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the police. the police. the police. the the the police. the police. the the police. the police. the police. the police. the police. the police. the police. the police. the police. the police. the police. the police. the police. the police. the police. the police. the police. the police. the police. the police. the police. the police. the the the the the the the the the the the the the police. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the police. the police. the police. the police. the police. were really going to the Boston. They were out late, really?

Come on Carl, so what happened? So anyway, so look, don't call me back, I'm going out to bed, right? I've got working a bit. So, um, what was that? So, um, what was that? Where are you working? Next thing, right? the police again, oh, I said, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh's the police again I said oh I told you not to call me. I told you to call me at home.

So they said right the police are outside can you go on your balcony? It's like oh so I'm ten stories up right? Stood on the balcony with like my underpants on. Yeah. And the police are saying where's the car? And I'm saying I don't know they're shouting up saying which road and all that, I just thought, how did they get involved? I don't think they found it, it was hassle. The bloke's were pushing it too fast. Exactly.

They were in the next street by now, weren't they? Because this is, don't get involved. Don't get involved. After that, imagine him being on some sort of trial where it's like, the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th, th, th, th, th. It, th. It, that, that, their, that, their, that, that, that, that, that, that, it, it, it's, it, it, it, it, it's their, it's, it's, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, they. It was, they. It was, they. It's they. It's they. It's they. It's they. It's they. It's they. It's they. It's they. It's they. It's they. It's they. It's they. It's they. It's they. It's, they. him going into the witness protection. The police just explaining to him, your new name is Geoffrey Peters. Why can't I be called Bruce Wayne? Well no, Mr. Pilkington, listen. Imagine that. Do not what the witness protection is? Oh, go on. Amazing. Look, it's when, supposing you were to give evidence against the mafia. All right, you done a job for them and they're out to give evidence against the witness, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, to, to, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, the, their, their, their, their, their, the, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, osing you were to give evidence against the mafia, right? You done a job for them and they're out to give evidence against them, right? All I do was the two kids nick in a car. Don't start messing with mafia.

No, listen, of course, no. But imagine, imagine you were in the mafia and that you got caught doing something, but instead of going to prison for the rest of life you said oh well I can I can give you Mr. Big yeah so they go okay give us Mr. Big and we'll let you off right so the police go right okay I got handed this leaflet in Sohofe so you say you go right I'll give you names they go right we'll get you know it's in court and you go yeah they go right we'll have a new identity, a new passport, we'll let you live in Canada for the rest of your life with Suzanne, right? So why have I got to do all that?

Because they'll bump you off, won't they? How did you know it was me? Because you have to give evidence in court. So they go, oh, Pilkerton's squiilled? So you've got to change all your life. They've they've they've they've, they've, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their....................................................................... to change all your life? Yes. Yeah. They've killed someone, yeah? Well look, you just know, you're giving them just to keep you from going to jail. So you don't want to spend the rest of your life in prison because you're involved in some or so or so or whatever. Does Matt Carl? Listen? I'm just, how would the mafia know that I've said something? Because you say in court those are the people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people people. th. th. T th. T th. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the th. You. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they they they they they they're they're they're they're they. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You're. You're. You're the the the th. You're th. You're to. You're to. You're to. You're just. You're just. You're just. You're just. You're they're just. You're just. You're just. You're they're they're. So-and-so he ordered the hit don't you

know anything it's a lot of messing around though isn't it but so I've got to leave this job yeah yeah yeah I think they might try XFM first I'd have to what I'd have to bin Suzanne would her no she can't live with you you have to cut you have to cut off all yourties with your friends and family though you can't contact them. You've got to leave them behind. Would she have to change her haircut? Possibly. When did the murder after?

Yeah. What would the new identity be that you choose? What would you choose for yourself? What name? Probably. Uh, to to be called Brett when I was a kid. Okay, right? Brett, what? Brett Pilkington? Uh, you got to change your surname, yeah? Yeah.

Yeah, maybe go X-Directory. Where would you move to? Uh, probably back up north. No. Well, no, don't do that. Don't do that. Can I suggest, maybe, um, maybe when they're not operating, maybe you know, and they're just, forget it.

You might have to change your identity as well. You might have to grow your hair, well you can't grow your hair, but maybe we're a mustache. What would you do? What would you wear? So like an Afro or something? That would be brilliant. That would be absolutely brilliant. And I've got to do all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all that, that, that, to do all to do all to do all that, to do all, that, to do all, that, to do all, to do all, that, to do that, you, you, you, you, you, you to do that, you that, you that, you to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to a court thing and said he's the one who did it?

Yes. Well, why can't I just wear the Afro and the glasses when I'm in the court? Say me names Brett, right? Yeah. Change my voice a bit. He did it and they go, thanks very much. I go off, I'll carry on my life. That's genius. That is genius. That is the case. That's the case. That's the case. That's the case. That's the case. That is the case. That is the case. That is the case. That is the case. That is the case. That is the case. That is the case. That is the case. That is the case. That is the case. That is the case. I's. I's their. their. I's. I's. I's. I's. their. their. their. their. their. their. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I's. I. I's. I's. I's. I's. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. the.................................................... life. That's genius. I don't know why they haven't thought of that. That is genius. That is true. Why don't they do that? So they go, well I'll go to court as Brett Hanson with an Afro and I talk like that. And then when I come out, I'm back

to Carl Pilkington. Still talking like that, but without the afro? That is perfect. Why don't you call the FBI and say, listen, I can save you billions of dollars a year? You're a genius, Carl. All right. Well done. What brech did I say? Don't look back into the sun. Libertines on XFM. I'm excited, Steve. It's that time of the week. Go on. Well, Carl's in a little film. Oh, that's what you're excited about. Yeah. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. You, th. You, th. You, th. You, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. th. th. thi. thi. th. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th.'s that time. It's that time of the week. Go on. Well, Carl's in a little film.

Oh, that's what you're excited about. Yeah. Sorry, I thought you meant the show's almost over. Yeah, no. Colin, Carl. Right, so, yeah, I mean, I mean one flow over the Cuckoo's Nest. Took a scene from it. Got a question on like the clip like you've just heard of what they're doing the Krypton Factor and stuff so do you want to read out the prizes and just yeah let's tell you things it's a couple of rock and roll albums we've got the why is it called one flow over the cook who's nest I can't remember I think is explained in the book but I don't remember I'm I'm ready for you to the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to the the to the the to the to the the to the to the the to the to to the to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their try.e.e. I I I'm true. true. true. I'm true. I'm to to to to their that. Ricky Dr. Javais at XFM dotco UK you can win yourself if you get the question right the League of Gentlemen and Merns series three we got that rock and roll legends again the best of blondie a nature program and the old grey whistle test volume three so if

you're a great 50 you'll enjoy that yeah and just if you haven't seen the film it's just about like a what would you call it the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to to the to to to the to to to to to to to to the to the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e. I.e.e.e. I.e.e. I th. the. I the. I th his guy thinks he's going to get away with prison by going into a mental institution. There was a new experiment, but he finds out he can't get out and he's sort of trapped. And well, people know it. Everyone knows what. Just play it. Just play it. All right. Well, you know, I've been observing you here now for the last four weeks and I don't see any evidence of

mental illness at all. I don't know. I'm not mental. I never said I was. I mean, all right, I got an E. I've got an E in history. But that isn't why I'm in here. I'm in here because they had to get away from the outside world. It's doing me heading. I've been working too hard, I'm stressed

that, I've been working like loads of hours Monday to Friday. I've been working on a Saturday with Ricky and Steve, right? That's been doing me heading. People don't, people think that's a laugh when it isn't. Right? Right? You're busy right now, are you? You've got something to do thi. that's the to get away from Ricky? thi. thi. thi. thi? thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, I' thi, I'm, I's thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I' to to to to to to thi, I' thi, I' thi, I' thi, I' thi, I' thi, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I' thi, I, because he's doing me adding. What do you mean, sir? Well, he's doing my head in. I came here to get away from Ricky. He is just as bad. I was smarter than him, mayn't I? You're an idiot, right? You just...

Ah, we're just... the good friends. No, we're not friends. How do you mean that? Well, don't I'll show you. Oh, yes, yes. Get him out. Get him off, man. Get off. Get off. Now, I gotta be just hold it right there. All right.

You can't off. Do you tell him? Come here from. Don't hurt you, does it? Of course it does. That's it. Hold on to. Not, not. That's it. Hold on to. Not too large, you'll crush all the air out of it. We're going to...

You normally to... Get on. You normally to the other than the next door. No. It's warming. Warm it. Where's somebody is? All right, be there. Get off! Say what I mean, Doctor, that starts what it's doing every day. The state of this. I don't know why you do it, because it's not as if you're going to crack it open. I try, didn't I? God damn it. At least I did that. I love it, the effort. Yeah. But I tried, didn't I? God damn it. At least I did that.

I love it, the effort! Yeah. It's almost, uh, I wonder if it's almost a strange premonition of the future. You in some kind of home. All right, well, uh... What's the question? What's the question? Uh, what result did I get in history?

Mm-hmm. at in history. Good. All right. Yeah, well, tricky one. That Ricky. Joveys at XFM.co. tho. touk. Our text, will we take text? Um, I haven't you bothered to check the texts. All right, then, email. Thanks for that, Rick. Sneezie. Yeah. All right, I'll play Prinish Brothers. It's a lovely tune from their album what's it called yours mine and hours blinded by the stars I see me like a passion that took such a long time I've been blinded by the stars from the Prenice brothers we've a couple of texts I do occasionally have a look at them gone we've had one here complaining it doesn't say say where it's from it just says, really clever homophobic material. Genius, switching off, idiots. I don't know what they mean. It was not clevererhobic material. It was just

homophobic. Well, what do they mean? But how is it homophobic? We were saying we don't understand the gay world. And anything that's queering and questioning it. Yeah. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. I thi. I thi. I th. I th. I th. I th. I don't thi, I thi, I don't thi, I don't tho-I tho-I tho-I tho-I tho-I tho-I tho-I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi---------s, I thi-s, I thi-s, I thi-s, I thi-s, thi-s, thi-s, tho-s o'-s o'-s o'er-s o'er-s o'er-s, tho-s, thio-s, thi in question. Yeah, and Carl, see this is what I mean. Carl gets us into trouble. I can't go through Chinatown anymore. It's not really a town, though, is it? Not really a town. It's more a novelty street. With response. But I can't, you know, and when we sort of like talk, we get, Tarle the same brush as him because the man's an idiot. But we're the man, you are the man, you are the man, th. th. th. It's, th. It's, thi. It's, thi. It's not, thi. It's not, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thin's not, thin' is not, thrown. It's not, it's not really thin' is not really, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's not really thin. It's not really, it's not really thin. It's not really, it's not really, it's not, it's not really, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not, it's not, it's not really. It's not really, it's not really, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's not really. It's not think Carl's homophobic, he's confused, he's interested. He's got nothing against Chinese people, he's got a little theory that they don't age well. And these are sort of things that come across, I mean, they're not meant to be homophobic and racist. They're showing that Carl, I don't know the PC term for this is a bit mental. Yes. And, I think, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, and that, tho, and tho, and tho, and tho, and tho, and tho, and th. And, and th. And, and th. And, and th. And, and th. And, and th. And, and th. And, and th. And, and th. And, and, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the that complaint he got about that woman on what's it called who are you looking at? Yeah because he said about I don't even want to repeat it but he said some of you know. Yeah but I never meant to upset anyone with that. No I know he didn't no but I mean it's on the

website now and you know to be fair she does say it was Carl that said it was the idiot presenters and you it's like Carl is bad for our reputation. Yes. Do you know what I mean? It's funny to be in a room with him, but then I want to sort of shake it off. Yeah. And I don't know what to do about it. I know. What have you got to say for yourself, Carl, for some of the stuff you come out with? What have you got to say? I mean, I know the answer. It's, I'm the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their so so so. their some some some and confusion and interest you haven't got a malicious bone in your body well well towards me yes but yeah other people but again he's just honest with you he says well I don't repeat what he says no no no but it's not as bad as to some other things but he's you know he says whenever you just say

that you when you first met him he looked a to be hard but you've to it yeah now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that the the the the the the the the the the the to to the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the ttttttttttto to to to to to to to to to to to got used to it. Now that's from the heart I said that it's like him sort of like being honest and nice but he doesn't know what that and we can take it of course. Well what have you got to say for yourself? I haven't got anything to say really I mean. There's been other weird stuff going on in the week and that. Go on. Uh no we might as we'll talk about monkey news. the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' that's that's that's wee wee. wee. wee. wee. wee. wee. wee. wee. wee. wee. wee. wee. wee. wee. wee. wee. wee. wee. wee. we' thin' thin' thin' thin' the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to the thooooooo' up. All I'm saying is I talk about what's gone on. Yeah. Have we got monkey news? Have we left monkey news behind? Monkey News? Come on! What happened?

You can't offend monkeys? I'll tell you what is annoying. Steve's told me about a film that is about a monkey that is the monkey. Go on. Yeah. Oh, what happened? You wouldn't like it. You wouldn't like it. It's not like it's weird and you wouldn't, Carl. It's not like a nature program where he wears a bowler hat and can talk. Okay. The nature programs that you seem to see. Yes. I'm kind of think I haven't seen that one. Yeah. Yeah, come on. Do monkey news. Yeah. Do monkey news. Yeah. Yeah. Come on. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. the the the the the the the the the the nature. It. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It's. It's the nature. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's the the the the the the monkey news this week. Play the jingle. Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news, you. Right, it's about this monkey that was knocking about in the 1950s. Right. It was known in the LA area, right? Um, and apparently, again, I haven't really checked all this out. I've just picked up bits that, that look interesting.

Um, uh, wore a golden mask and like, cape and a leopard skin belt and stuff, right? So people didn't know he was a monkey. Of course they didn't know, yeah. He just thought, they thought it was this bloke who's going around and he was helping out crime situations and stuff. Right, you're an idiot. So one, this disguise, that you see a three, a thak, this, this, this, thii, this disguise, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi... So, thi.a. So, ta.a. So, ta.a. We're, ta.a. We're, ta. We're, tape, ta, thi. So, thi. So one, this disguise that you see a three foot six-floak with arms the length of his body. That's the funny thing, right? They knew, they sort of thought, it's a bit odd, you know, he's stocky, yet extremely flexible. Yeah, and hairy, because he only wore a white mask at a belt.

And a distinctive jawline and stuff. And then, uh, apparently, like, he used to sort of get to his... Nothing we say, get through does it? You've decided you can picture this month we go around telling you. Let him finish the story. Time's running out. So it sort of gets to its crime by like swinging from the trees and stuff. Of course, people just thought it's a normal fella. Of course. Then what happened was, he helped some fellas out like you know and for a reward

they were like do you want some money you know you've helped save our lives during a crime and stuff do you want some money and that and he just went straight for the shopping bags got a couple of bananas and apples and as he was bent down looking into the bag getting their bananas and apples they pulled his mask off little monkey so he wasn't allowed, looking into the bag, getting the bananas and apples, they pulled his mask off, little monkey. So he wasn't allowed to work for the police anymore? It ended there, sure. Where no?

Wait, no. Rick, can I tell you the meaning of Waffle the Cooke's Nest? Yeah. Rick, can we never speak of monkey news again? It comes apparently from an American children's nursery rhyme. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, all good children, go to heaven, some fly east, some fly over the cook's list. Brilliant. Now thanks to Ian for emailing that. And shall I give someone the prizes?

Phil Corbett. There you are. There you are the first one I, you've culled out. was E. It was an E that Carl got in history. The only qualification he's got and it's an E. Judge the monkey news based on that. Go on. That woman who went out of the monkey. What? It's a film? It was Charlotte Rampling. In the film. I don't know who played the monkey. Did she have any kids? What with the monkey in the film? Yeah, I'm just thinking if I'm going to get it out and stuff. No. Why? Oh, because that would have been interesting. Well no, it's just that the problem there is the kids would always look more like the dad.