The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Xfm S3E9 (December 27, 2003)

Episode Date: September 4, 2022

During the hiatus, Pilkington signed on with Gervais and Merchant’s talent agent, and negotiated a deal with XFM to get Mondays off in exchange for continuing to do The Ricky Gervais Show on Saturdays. This was a frequent topic of contention during this run with Gervais repeatedly accusing Pilkington of being lazy for demanding an entire day off on exchange for doing 2-hours of work on Saturdays.This show began airing again in November 2003 and broadcast for 12 weeks until January 2004 when Gervais and Merchant went on hiatus to film series 1 of their new show, ‘’Extras’’.

That was the record before us and she's got it. All this handle on the train. Don't mind. She's got your pistol. That was the record before us and here we are pre-recorded because we did this a few weeks ago because we're not here in a moment, are we? We're away in that. I'm Rick and Javais with me, Steve Merchant. Hello there.

He's not actually with us. He's not, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's there. And Carl Pilkington. He's not actually with us. He's on the, he'll be in some of the best of clips that you'll be coming up. Yeah, this is just us, this is just us. We did this, when do we do this, Rick? A couple weeks back. Hold on, what is it? It's the 27th today. Yeah, I'm really glad that the pop idols, Cliff Richard, Westlife, made it to number one. Bow selector.

Yeah, just delete that. Yeah. Okay, we're going to play some of the best of, some of the greatest moments of the last three weeks. Yeah. Which one is it? I'm Ricky Javais with me Steve Merchant over there. Carl Pilkington, the man who believes anything. I think it might be a condition due to his little round head.

It's sort of like, it might be a new condition that we can call cranial spherity. And it, because it's, it presses on his lobes and the only sort of upshot of that is, is normal and everywhere but he leaves everything he reads or sees on ananova. All right? Talking of which, Rick, I don't really follow the news. It's mainly boring, in it, wars and stuff. But I don't know... Well, yeah, what it is is is is is is is is is is is is is a the war, the the tha. It is a tha. It is a tha. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's a the the the th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a th. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, thoomomomom. It's, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tha. It's, it's a threat. It's a thoomorrow. It's, it's, thoomorrow. It's, thoomorrow. It's, thoomorrow. It's, thoomorrow. It's, it's, know... Well, yeah, what it is a war, it's all this nonsense before and after. When it's a war, it's, you know, it's in the middle of the war, you can watch it on tele, you get results,

you know, I mean, like, a test match or something. But it's all this rubbish before and after, it'sthan the previous one because I remember the first goal for it was often during the night and I wouldn't stay up. Yeah because I think the American had rights to it like the Tyson fight so we had to get it at 2 in the morning. Which is annoying that, you know their prime time in that. Yeah, a lot of it was in black and white. A lot of it was a lot of white and when when when when when when was. coverage I think that's been awards yeah well I like channel 4 won for cricket yeah I mean a few times as well I was quite pleased to see you that they actually had footage of the bombs exploding yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

good well done yeah yeah costs a lot though they don't it isn't a cost a lot more when you got something like you know a Jimmy car game show which probably cost about underground yeah like a to a millions man it's almost as expensive with like Terminator 3 or something yeah yeah but I mean you know but you know you got have you got a variety exactly sorry Steve you're talking about I just wanted I just wanted to the just want I just wanted to make sure you're aware that the world elephant polo championships have taken place I did get it I did get it I'll let yeah England won yeah my my the the the the the the the the the th the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th I the th I the the th th th they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they the the the try try try try try try try try toy try toy ty to try to they they they they they 't we? England won. Yeah. My question is where have they been practicing? I don't know. I do you remember whatever at school anyone ever saying to you are you interested in playing a polo

with elephants? Do you reckon it was five blokes in Pithamets kept sneaking into a whipsnaid? What are you doing lads? they're practicing? Get down, get off them elephants? I genuinely I didn't do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. th. they're th. th. th. th. th. they they they they they they're they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they? Where they? Where they? Where they? Where they? Where they? Where they? Where? Where? Where they? they? they? they? they? they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're thi. the. the. theateat. theat. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're. I genuinely, I didn't even know he had a team. I can't believe it. But it's like Johnny Wilkinson in the rugby lands, they're going to get MBE's all sorts. The elephant boys, the elephant polo boys, nothing. I haven't seen the sun talking about them. To me, to be fair, it's not like horse polar, where I think, I don't I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, but, like, like, but, like, like, but, I don't, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, I, I, like, I, I, I, I, like, I, I, I, like, I, like, like, I don't, like, like, like, I don't, like, like, I don't, like, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's like, it's like, th. It's like, I don't, like, I don't, like, I think you might be right, I think they're not allowed to use their tusks. They burst it weren't they? They go, oh! Start again. Rahim! Yeah. What do you mean the elephants kick it? All right? I've opened a can of worms here. You know normal polar on a horse, they have like mallix. Yeah they whack them right. But I think it's obviously they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're their they're they're their they're they're their they're their their they're their their their their their their their their their their they're their they're their they're their their they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're their. I've their. I've their. I've their. I've their. I've their. I've their. I've their. I've their. I've their. I've their. I've their. I've their. I've their their they're their their they're train. I've train. I've train. I've trainea. I've trya. I'm trya. I'm not trya.a. I've trya. I'm trya. I'm trya. I'm trya. I'm they're they're they're try him. Yeah, they whack him. I think it's obviously they're too high up. I think, I might be wrong, but I'm pretty sure they just train the elephant to kick it.

So why are people something about why not just let them have a kick about without... Imagine that! And why does horse race and have to have a jockey? Well they just let the horse go. they're not, that. thiahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. thus. thus. thus. thus. thus. thus. thus. thus. thus. thus. thus. Why. Why thus. thus. they's. they's they're they're just just just just they're just they're just. Why. Why. they're just they're just they're just they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're just. thi. thooooooooooooooooo. to just. to just just. thoooooooooooooo. they're just. they're just. they're just. they're just. Well they just like the horses go on you're okay lads on your no cheating on your marks get set go you know get back here get back here brilliant play record right Adams yeah yeah oh this is absolutely fantastic his version of Wonder Wars you're not really yeah you'll be loving it you'll be loving this This is the best off show on XFM 104.9 I'm Ricky Javais with me Stephen Merchant. Yes, I hope you're enjoying the best of. There's a fellow who was in a coma for 20 years. Just, they kept like taking him through like the normal day, they taken to

Alton Towers and stuff. He doesn't know anything about it, just kept going through the motions. Donnelly have to keep charging him. He eventually came out of it. Twenty years. And went, stop taking me to Horton Towers and shit. I just thought, imagine how much post he had, how much post. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, God! Did you read about that guy in the paper Carl? He, um... How much post? Oh God. Did you read about that guy in the paper Carl? He, um, sorry, on the internet. He, in about, I think it was about 1984, 85, he had a terrible car accident.

But this must be it. This must be what he's talking about. Well, they didn't. they didn't. But you've got to try and decipher the truth from the conjecture from the thing that he, I mean don't forget Carl says, realizes that he's had a dream he's talked to Susanna he goes that was good wasn't it last night we're in the plane she goes no that's a dream he goes oh yeah where's the same guy. He goes to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. He's got. He's got. He's got. He's got. He's got. He's got. He's got. He's got. He's got. He's got. He's got. He's got. He's. He's the th. He's the th. He's. He's hea. He's he's he's he's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's t. He's t. He's t. He's t. He's t. He's t. He's t. He's try. He's got. He's got. He's try. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's try. He's try. He's t. He's. He's. He's the same guy. It is the same guy. It was a guy in some small American town and he'd had a car crash and he'd got into a coma and his wife had left him she'd gone with her life because he'd been in a coma since then and he had just woke. He just wasn't paying enough attention. He actually had she was pregnant at the time and so now his daughter his daughter is basically the same age as he was when he went into the coma and he's just started coming around he started making jokes he says they said how do you feel he said horny which I thought was quite witty for a man he'd been in a coma for many years but anyway so he's slowly trying to rebuild what life he can't he can. What did you make

that the thing is that he's missed? Imagine what he's missed? Live aide miss Miss Collins. He the the the the the the the the the he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he is just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just he he he he he he he he he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he he he he he he he missed, Carl, imagine the music that he's missed TV programmes and news. Livade, miss Lived. He missed Cling's playing in two continents in one day. Ah, frankly, I'd be devastated. Miss Miss Bross. Yeah, so he doesn't, so he put on rip jeans and they go pass, hey. They just have to send him a series of those I love, 1986 programs with Kate Thornton filling him in on what he's doing. Peter Kaye reminded him of space operas. He remembers that talking rubbish.

Yeah. So extraordinary though isn't it Carl's I think? No, obviously. So how are he age much? Because he hadn't had any problems or anything, no worries. Well, it probably wouldn't have, physiologically, he probably wouldn't have the wear and tear of a 43- old man because he wouldn't have had sun he wouldn't have had sort of nicotine beer unless they were just feeding that to him anyway still yeah yeah yeah so feel groggy though yeah yeah you might feel a bit groggy yeah yeah

well he's not he's not fully back to normal I mean there's some kind of residual brain damage yeah but nevertheless he nevertheless, he can form sentences. He's got very, he's got no real memory, so you can't remember a lot of things. It's just when I saw all that's wrong. Can't have you been an accident? Out of time. Out of time. Out of time. The brilliant blur! Out of Time on XFA 104.9, Coach Christmas. One of my favorite singles of the year, and that's another thing. We'll be playing our favorite singles of the year, as well as our favorite clips of our own show.

Rick, I imagine if people have got a bit of Christmas money. They're wondering what they can spend it on. Office DVD? Well, other than that, these guys have got some ideas. What adverts? Brilliant. I hope, X-a-fix-fix, I hope you had a great Christmas. Uh, if you didn't, it's not our fault really, is it? No thin' the thin' their tho'n' th We've got plenty of cash now, thanks to a lot of you who probably bought the office DVD.

Yeah, probably got anything on yet and you've maybe got vouchers or money still available? Still there in the shops. It's still available. You can still make it the office DVD I think you've wrote it's a brilliant clip. It's the one where we talk about well it's self-explanatory. Yeah. What's the best job you've ever had still Carl talk about it? Is it still the paper round? Is it still the paper round? That's ridiculous, your own boss. No you're not, you're not your own boss. The blow news agents is your boss.

All right, but then once you get out and you've got your papers and that, you sort of, you're on your own, you're on your own. Do you want as long as you deliver the papers exactly to the place as he said you are in the time he said, yeah? do? I just thought of one that you wouldn't do with your sort of mild homophobia. Well I'm not. Proctologist. What's that? Basically sticking your finger up whether it was arseys. Right, well I wouldn't do that now. Why have you got to do that? Why have you got to do that? Why have you got to do that? Why does anyone need that doing? Does they got a look if they've got a assake or something? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? W that? W that? W that? W that? W that? W at? W at? W at? W at? W at? W at? W at? W at? W at? W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W? W? W? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why, the. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to do that. Why does anyone need that doing? Does they got a look if they've got an assache or something? Which trainee doctor makes that their speciality?

Do you know what I mean? That must be, right we got a place for horses and it's you meadows. You came last? Oh seriously what? I'm not the arse doctor, am I the last? Yeah, you came last. Oh, I'm a a a a a bum. I'm a bun a bun a bun. I'm a the the th. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm a th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. What. What. What. th. th. th. th. What. th. th. th. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. th. th. th. this. Tell you a job I don't like. I wouldn't want to be doing. The woman, there's a little woman who sits in the little snack stall on Finchley Road station. And I don't know how to describe it really. She is surrounded by snacks. She can't move for snacks. It's like American Beauty, but with different... Not dissimilar to that.

It's like a you go to the seaside you can put your head through one of those carbill cutouts and it looks like you're a big fat person every you have your photo taken it's like an equivalent of that but it's just snacks everywhere she's got bananas up to her chin she's got chocolate coming into her eyes crisps outside of her she can't move she can't do 360 degrees she's like packed in there of a morning. I think they put her in her first and they pour in the bananas. They got they pour in the nuts. She has two hours of makeup before and dressing her in there. Exactly. Yeah. Because I'll ask for something from the fridge and she cannot turn her head to see. She has to go by feel alone just to feel the fridge and get stuff out and pass it. And often I'll say that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not. You that's not. You that's not. You that's not. You that's not. You's not. You's not. You's not. You's not. You's not that's not their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I. Yeah. I. Yeah. I. I've. Yeah. I've. I've. I've. I've. Yeah. I'm. Yeah. If it's a slow day, she's stuck there till the next day. Yeah, it's like a world-breaking attempt. Yeah.

Carl, what job wouldn't he want to do? Well, any job, you're a lazy... You're joking, aren't you? I've done loads of stuff. I'm quite happy now. I'm quite happy now. I'm quite. I'm happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite th. I'm quite th. I'm quite th. I'm quite thi. I'm quite thi. I'm quite thi. I'm quite thi. I'm quite thi. I'm quite th. I'm quite th. I'm quite th. I'm quite th. I'm quite th. I'm quite th. I'm quite th. I'm quite th. I'm quite th. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite th. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm quite happy. I'm th. I'm th. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy. I'm quite happy I'm doing. Yeah, you look happy. I think, sound happy. Yeah, I mean, calm down. You want drugs? I'm all right. Are you want E? I've got that before England and that. What? What? Yeah, go on. I'm happy for them. Yeah. What was it happy for them? We are happy in the today. I mean, we didn't play. I did very little towards it. It was mainly joining the TV was a bad spotter like this. Exactly! And shouting, come on! Talking about jobs and that, though, I was reading the other day about, like, you know, rubbish jobs, that people have added and stuff.

I have got time when I work, won't. I'm not squiddly, diddly. Fingers and pies, different jobs, go on. Do you know either the terrible? Ivan. He uh... He uh... Yeah, his Russian... yeah, that was the Welsh fella. It was bloody awful but not as bad as his Russian cousin. Ivan, go on. He, uh, he had a fella doing some work for him, right? This fella built his house. Uh, after it was done, right?

Uh, the terrible fellow was like... He was going, oh, it's brilliant. You've done a good job there. Yeah. Yeah, uh, uh, uh, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. thui, thu' thu. thu. thu. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, thi. He, thi. He, thi. He's, thi. He's, thi. He's, thi. He's, thi. He's, thi. He's, thi. He's, thi. He's, thi. He's, thi. He's, thi. He's, uh, thi. He was going, oh it's brilliant, you've done a good job there. Yeah. I don't want you to build another one like that. Took his eyes out. Just stopped him making an house like that again. Flying me. That's bad in it. Why didn't he take away his trowel? Then he could have seen where he couldn't have built a house without trowl. Yeah. I suppose he probably later thought that, once he'd be nicknamed Ivan the Terrible. Yeah, yeah, he thought, why? Why?

Because you gauge people's eyes out. Yeah, but I don't want to move another house. I know but... Take his trowl away. What would I've got someone's eyes it is bloody terrible I'm surprised you're not called Ivan the do you know I mean you're gonna get on in history like with Vlad the impaler yeah he's mainly remembered for impaling yeah he did a lot of other stuff the load of great charity work he did it's not remembered the thing that's really

gone down in history when were you reading about Ivan the the terrible is the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th I I I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I thin is thin is thin is thin is thin is the the the the. the. thin is the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th Or either the terrible is the thing you remembered from this informative article? No, it was just little bits like that, talking about him. There was a thing about someone who worked for that fellow who painted the ceiling. Assistant Chapel? Yeah. There was a thing, a woman who worked for him in his house. And, um... I love how you assimilate information when it's just bordering on the academic or just the interesting and true it's wonderful

either the terrible gout someone's eyes out spilt him an house the fellow who painted that ceiling and a woman work for him imagine if you wrote that down in an essay imagine if you wrote that in a school essay. Well you'd probably end up with not getting a grade or... Yeah, or thinking you've turned up to more than you had. Anyway, the woman who lived with... Yeah, the woman who lived in a shoe, go on. Yeah, there was this woman who lived with him and she used to like, you know, go out and do all all the shopping and that. Yeah. But because she couldn't read all right, he used to have to draw everything that he wanted. Why can't you just tell her? I don't know. No, no, no, wait. That's an excellent

point. Could she talk? Yeah, but if it's a big list and that, loads of different coloured paints and stuff. But why can she draw on a piece of paper? Why did he have to do? Because he's a better drawer only. That's the point. That's it. We were just looking for the logic of the story. You found it. You tell it, play a record. He's the the drow. He's the best of. This is the best off show on XFM 104. Yes. I hope you're enjoying the best of. I'm amazed that these are the highlights and that we've strung it out this long, Rick.

But the good thing like this is, we're not here, we recorded a couple weeks ago, just the links, right? This has taken us about 10 minutes for the whole show. Listen to this clip is brilliant. I think that my new TV is too big, Rick. I said that. When you bought it, I was thinking. But I can't believe it. He talks about this buying it. He's got a bit of cash now, of course. And what is it? 42 inches? 42 inch plasm? What does you 3 ground? Wow, it's ridiculous. thirty thoen, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi. thi. thi. thi. tho, tho, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. tha. thi. tha. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th ridiculous. Three half grand, big spender. Of course it's too big. Well I can't get far enough back in my room, in my room for it. You know, you know, you're meant to be, I think, four times the screen size

away from it. Really? To get off from the air. So that's four times 42 inches you're meant to be sitting away from it which is impossible. Yeah. I'll have to just get friendly with the neighbors. Yeah, if that's the case though, aren't you better off just getting a portable? What? I don't understand that rule. What are you saying? Well you're meant to be four times the screen size away from the TV? But then what's the point in having a big telly if you've got to keep moving further back? Get a portable and sit right next to her. Do see your point. Why do people go to the cinema then? Did you see films out? I don't know, aren't you? Fair enough.

I've never had anything delivered there. Don, I'd tip delivery men? Of course you are. I don't know. I've never had anything delivered before. I don't know how much money. Not if it's a courier with an envelope, but if it's a bloke who struggled up the stairs, two fat bloats with a fridge, then give him a fiver for a drink. But the problem was I didn't realize, and I was thinking to get it he put his hand out thinking it was a tip I went I went it's just my phone I felt terrible after he left I didn't know I was gonna do run down the street and now for him a

five no no no no no no no no I just spent it I've got no money I just spent it all on this I had to clean out with a jar everything the drawers yeah yeah it takes me yeah the takes I takes takes takes takes takes takes takes takes takes takes takes takes takes takes takes takes takes takes to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the their the the their to their their their their to their their their their their their their their their I was their I was their I was their I was their I was their I was their I was their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I took took took I was took took I was took I was took took I was took took I was took I was took took I was took I was to the the the the the the The problem was it took me forever to wire it in. I thought I'm not going to pay for someone to wire it up, you know. So I took me about three hours to wire it in and it was huge and I got it switched on and the first program that was on. The first program that was on when I got it wired in was bargain. I'll tell you this. David Dickinson. It's incredible. It was incredible. It was incredible. It was incredible. It was incredible. It was incredible. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like. It was like, it. It was like, like, it. It was like, like, like, it was like, like, like, it was like, like, it was like, it was like, it was like screen with this orange thing coming out and he keeps, and he keeps turning to the camera, doesn't he? Just to get you. Yeah, he turns away, you get a bit close. They go, what's he doing?

And he just turns around and he takes the corner off. What did you think? I mean it's ludicrous this is the problem is because you yeah what you want? Have you watched anything that's been worth having... The only thing I've watched really worth watching. 24? Well yeah 24 works great but also films obviously that's the main ones I bought you because films just look amazing on the DVD on the plasma screen. You're into films and that it's just that I only, you know I've I can understand more people listening to radio and stuff. Yeah. Well, not this one but go on. Well, when was it? When was the last time I sort of sat down and had time because I'm always busy doing stuff and that. Sure. Um, moaning takes up about three hours a day.

When did Wimbledon finish? A couple weeks ago? Right. Found myself sat there, right? I'm not having a go. I know we stop cheeky freaky freak of the week and all that, right? So I'm not going to be having a go. I'm scared. No, I'm not having a go, you've always got to remember that. Go on. Just tell me what goes on. I'll apologize after. I'm just saying, watching Wimbledon, it wasn't, you know, the major the major the major the major the ma the mmamae. tho. tho. tho. thin' thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to, to, to, I's to, I'm to to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be going. I'm not. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I. I. I. I a wheelchair. Right. But for me, I mean, you know, great, they're doing a sport and everything. Don't put it on the telly. What was up with it? It wasn't, it wasn't a rally going on. Oh God. No, do you know what I mean? Do you know normally like with the, well not to Edmund but with some of the other players and that, they're playing for ages aren't he's like?? Oh? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, you, you, you, who's, th, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, th, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. the the they. the they. they. they, they, the, the, the, the, the, the with the well not to endman but with some of the other players and that they're playing for ages aren't he it's like oh who's gonna win this and

that yeah none of that it was just like it's it next Oh Christ oh god I don't know what to do What people people would like sat there watching it as well when they've got other games going on in now that's what I can't understand if you've paid your money to get the their? yeah yeah I I I I I I I I I I I the like I they they they they they they like I I they like I like I like I like I like I like I like I like I the like I the like I the like I they like like like like like like like like the they like the the they they they they they they they like like like they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like to they. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're watching it as well when they've got other games going on in there. That's what I couldn't understand. If you've paid your money to get in. Yeah. I mean, like I say, good on them if they, do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? But it would have been...

And they would have to start first in the marathon. I just Oh God. There's never anything. XFM in the community. Let's play tune with Ricky Javed Jovey's, Rikki.Jvay's XFM. Don't put my name to this last link. Don't put my name to this last link. Riky dotchvay's XFN. tho there. We're not here here.

Coming up is one of Carl's little film things where he puts himself into a film, it's his favorite film, it's Kez, enjoy it. I love the fact that in pole position, in positions one and two of his favourite films of all time, is the elephant man and Kez. That's brilliant. Go on. Alright, I'm leaving the mic's open a bit when this is going out? Yeah, let's have a listen. Yeah, alright. So don't talk then, right. Just put that hot dog down, Rick. And this is the bit in Kez where where where where where where where where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, the the the the th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the th, the th, th, the the th, the the th, the, the th, thi, the the, is thi, is the th, is th, is the th, is, is the the th, is, is, is th, is th, is, is, is th, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is the the the the the the the the th, is th, is th, is the th, is the th, is the the thi, thi, the the the thi, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi. thi. thi. thi, thi, is thi, is where is the teacher and he gets up and he asks... Glover? What's his name? Is it Brian Glover?

No, no, it's the other teacher. Anyway, go on. All right, so here we go. Things that had actually happened? I'm not the other one. What about you, Casper? All right. All right.

You haven't been listening to a word I've said, haven't you? Yeah, I heard some of it. Some of it? Just... Stand on. Always somebody, isn't they? Right, now you're going to tell a little story about yourself. What sort of story?

I want you to think of an incident that happened to you sometime in the past that is true and that you think will interest the rest of the class. All right? Right. Uh, what about? I work, uh, I work on a radio show at the weekend. Well, are you going to tell us about it? it about it? I'll just do, it's two hours and it's with Ricky Javais and Stephen Merchant and just sort of play music and you know, tell stories and stuff. What kind of stories?

Well whatever. Like last week it was science. We're talking about this lad who was growing a knob on his arm. So, it's weird. It's tricky, sir, because like, with Ricky, he gets bored quick and he won't listen to the stories and he'll start squeezing my head. All right, all right, I'm not interested in what he does.

That isn't, that isn't normal, is it sir? That, I mean, it sure is a bit gay. Is he? Is he? Just messes about though, do you know what I mean? I try and like come up with good stuff. Like monkey news and like quizzes and stuff. But then he'll just, you know, Ricky will just mess about.

I mean, on Saturday he did it again he squows me head. How did you spell that? Squows? S-Q- Oh, I can show a lot more? This is a new word to me. Squows is S-Q-U-O-Z-E. I don't want to tell us what it is? It's when, um, it's when he gets me the head

and he puts one hand on the back on the front on the front on the front on the front on the front on the front on the front the front on the front the front the front the front the front the front the front the front the front the front the front the front the front the front the front the front the front the front the front the front the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the one hand on the back of it, right? And he puts the other hand on the front of it and he just sort of swivel right down the road. Oh, swivel's not, it's spelled S, W, I, D, like that. How many times a day does, as he swows it? It depends what time he, you know, what time he gets in, if he gets in about half past 12, he could get a good three in. But I think, you know, I don't really want to talk about. You don't know, don't you? Well done, Billy. Big end of the applause.

That is the effort. Yeah. Wow. That's the best thing you've ever done, Carl. 50 cent in da club. We're playing our favorite singles of the year and we're looking back over the year. We're looking back over some of our favorite clips of the year. And we're looking back over some of our favorite clips of the year. I'm looking to about it, Steve Merchant. And Carl Pilkington, not done a lot, maybe you should earn your money as you get to Mondays off for this two hours of nonsense. What are you on about? I've done loads of stuff.

Yeah. Same old. Same old. Yeah. Let's have something new. Come on. I've been looking around, right, on the internet for stuff. On the internet? Your Bible, where you get all your information about the world and the universe and morality from. And do you know, like, how I always say to you, I don't really read that much of it, I just read the headline. Perfect.

Right? Yeah. And over, I've sort of nicked that idea. Well, to sort of get to the the the, the, the, the, to, to, the, to, to, to, the, to, the, to, to, the, to, the, to, to, the, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, woomber., woomorrow, woomorrow, the, woomorrow, woomorrow, woomorrow, the, woomorrow, the, the, the of get to the meat straight away at the top. Do you know what I mean? The headline to the story and everything. What? Right. But the headlines already existed?

That was why you thought I was going to do it? Not like this though. All right. Headline. These are all headlines, right. could stop elderly falling. Do you know what I mean? Oh God. You know my racing shoes could stop elderly falling. That's the story.

You don't need to read on. That's what I'm saying. Well, could you read that anyway? Can't be bothered. Read all anyway. Well, you have a look at that in a bit, right? So what is frustrating radio if you're sitting at home. Well, it's not on. They've they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're th. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, you. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, you. Oh, you. Oh, you, you, you, you're not to, you're not th. Oh, you're not, I th. Oh, I've. Oh, th. Oh, that, that, that, that, that, I, that, that, that's, I, that's, I've. Oh, th. Oh, oh, oh, oh, right? So, maybe it's interesting radio if you're sitting at home. It's not on, they've turned it off. If you ought to know more, you know where to go.

That's what I'm saying, that's what they should do in the news. Get the news done in a minute. It's a good story about Iraq. Bong. Family sicker living on whole road. Oh, brilliant. Bong. Man wears same shoes for 60 years. Oh, bonn.

This isn't that good. Some fella pulls a train with his teeth. Oh, God. And in lighter news. I'm nothing of that. This one is very good. Some fella pulls a train with his teeth. And in lighter news. I love that. Triple Donald, this one is very good. And the last one, man fails to break clothes, pegs on face record. She's always good. Well that's the one I did read on about. I love that all those, that's the one he made on about. Go on then. Why is that news he fails to make a record? So did I today? I failed the long jump record today. Yeah didn't even take part. No, I was rubbish.

But what are the rules on on world records and that? I don't know if there are rules. There are certain things you can't. I mean it's the Guinness book of records isn't it really that's the arbiter in it. Yeah but is the anything if you said you wanted to do it would they say well you can't do that? Yeah they've stopped some gluttony records obviously things that are in danger and it's anything that's illegal yeah anything that's immoral. Yeah like that that American serial killer that just got discovered yeah I've killed 47 women I don't think he can't they can make that the Guinness of the record no no no no no no no no no no no no no the the the the the th of th of th of th of th of th of th of th of th of th of th of th of th of th of th of th is is th is th is th is th is thin is thin is thinne of thinnene of thinnenene of thoes thoes thoes thoes they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're thinnnnnnn't thinn't thinn't they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're trying to beat it won't they? But there was some some other story about a fellow eating watches and that, that can't be good for you. So why don't he say, look, don't do that, do something else? He wanted to stay regular. Do you know what I mean? I just wondered what he was eating watches? He just said he was eating watches. He got about three and about a minute. How does he time it? Do you know what I mean th. the one the other thing is, the one that I was reading the world record with the fellow who's pulling a train with his teeth.

Does that make any difference that he's done it with his teeth? What do you mean? Well, what difference does it make? Well, it's quite hard to pull a train? Well, it's pretty hard to pull to pull a the the the the the the the the thranipe thranipe tha tha' tha a train with your teeth I imagine. Well, it's pretty hard to pull a train. All I'm saying is, is it because he couldn't beat the fella who's pulling it with his hands? Well, that's the... I think there was one bloke with a record for the backwards, running backwards hundred meters, was sort of like 11 and a half seconds. And I was thinking, turn around, you'd probably, you'd you, you'd probably you'd probably have a really good guy at that. Do you know what I mean? It's sort of like doing a marathon with a milk bottle on your

head. Take the milk bottle off and see how fast you can go you twat. But you can just tweak it like the fellow who has done the pegs on the face right? Yeah. His names Gary Stretch Turner right? So you sort of cheating already if he's got a stretchy head? Right? You are, right, you are one of the most stupid humans I've ever met. Well, get me in the book. Yeah. Right? But listen, so Gary stretched turn, right? His record is 153 pegs. Yeah. He did it again, and he only got 150 on. So he hasn't broke his own record. Right.

But what I'm saying is, if he tweaked it a bit more, would that make a new record? What? Well, if he said, I've got 150 pegs on, but at the same time as eating a burger. I'm sure what you mean, yeah. He'd be the world record breaker for pegs and eating burgers at the same time. Yeah, just change it a bit. If you know you're not going to make it, just do something else. I'm assuming the rules are set at the beginning, Carl. That's where they say, right, you're just going to. How many pegs? 150. Can I just ask very briefly, I was quite interested by the family who had to move because they lived on but whole road. Yeah, I quite like that one. I don't know if I've told you before Rick where I used to live, I'm

not going to tell you the name of the street that I used to live on. I just imagine when you're at school. In class, for instance in French, you've got to say, they've got, you've got to answer where you live. Yeah, Jabit wherever. That's the name. This is actually the name of the street we lived on. No, it's not. I swear to God. That is absolute right. I could phone my father now and he can confirm that for you. I swear because he doesn't want to go. And I'll tell you that but listen do you know what worries me? It's the apostrophe S. I know. I know because that's blatant. Yes. Amazing isn't it? That is incredible. I can't imagine how embarrassing that up in the Bristol... You will find that in the Bristol A to Z I I swear to God. That is really really. Why that. Why that is really. Why that is really. that is really. that is really. that is really. that is really. that is really. that is really. that is really. that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that. I will that that. I will that. I that that. I that. I that. I that. I that. I that. I that. I that. I that. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I the thi. I will. I will the the the thi. I will thi. I will thi. I will thi. I will thi. I will that's thi. I will that's thi. I th. me that before? I can't believe I haven't. That's... I'm still embarrassed now. Do you know if whenever I have to phone up if I have to give that address, I always spell it instantly. Really? Like somehow that will hide it. That'll disguise the name,

but I can't get over that. Anyway, if you perhaps live in Tits Avenue, you know or... Langlin Drive. Just get in touch let us know we're not really interested. This is the best off show on XFM 104.9 I'm Ricky Javais with me Stephen Merchant. Yes. I hope you're enjoying the best of. I know what you're thinking. If this is the best, my Christ, what was the rest like? Well, we'll be back in a week's time so you can judge it for yourself live. But anyway, in the meantime, this is one of the best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best the best best. the best. the best. the best. the best. the best. the best, the best, the best, the best, the best, the best, the best, the best, the best, th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. This, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the, their, their, a week's time so you can judge it for yourself live. But anyway, in the meantime, this is one of the best clips I've ever heard. I'm laughing just thinking about what it might be. He said this, you know, oh God, it's like a child or a cat when it's confused.

He went, Steve reckons, in ancient Greece, right? It was better to shag a bloke thanthan a woman. And I went, well, yeah, I mean, that's about the male being sort of a first-class citizen, much better, wasn't it, an aspiration, to sleep with a beautiful man than a beautiful woman. Women were lower class citizens, so therefore men were seen as a hierarchical, I said to have sexual relations with a man, there was no shame in that. No. And I said well I was you know ancient Rome I said um you know Nero he used to sit in his big jacuzzi and he used to get you know pretty boy men to go into the water and just nibble at his testicles while he was having to watch. He did. Yeah. And he's not a gay fella. No well no I mean you know I don't know about Nero, but I mean it wasn't a case of a big delineation

between what was heterosexual and what was gay. It was just, you know, whatever. So what did this fella do then, this one who's having his... Well, he was pretty much top boy, Nero, for a while. He was in charge. And, you know, and they did what you're told if uh... Caesar or but why were people going around there why don't you go no they weren't dropping in

that it wasn't like the doors open you were I just gonna see what Nero's doing you'd have probably been like a delivery boy or a stable boy or something you know and you'd pop around there and you'd go out of there as the tablets of stone you wanted and go, Pilkington, why are you here? Pop under, I don't know why he's French. What is that? I don't know why he's French, just pop under the water and nibble my testicles and you'd have done it. Because he was nearer. I wouldn't.

He would have, he would have, either way I would have done it. What you would have done to Nero's face with me, right? I'd say I've done my job, that's not the sort of tip I wanted. No, either said, get the little baldy chap to never have a testicles and you'd be under war. I wouldn't have done it. I wouldn't have done it. Well, you'd I'd have had to get me into his testicles, you'd have been going mad, you'd have been noshing him just for extra, he'd have had a... you'd been doing everything he wanted. You'd have been going, Edegarl, I didn't ask you to do that. You'd have been going mental, they'd have been chewing, slurping, smacking, poking, you'd have chopped, you'd have, you'd have I'm gonna try to get the eye

for the year these are the that was bowie in water loose sunset love that love the original love bowie bowie was my gig of the year these are my singles of the year these are my singles of the year these are my clips of the year I'm looking to raise with me steveh the th for the the th for the th th th th th th th th th th the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th these are our clips of the year. I'm looking to rise with me, Stephen Merchant, we're just picking some lovely little bits and pieces.

Do you remember when we talked about this? That's the sort of thing I think we need now, right? We've covered a lot of stuff. What, education? Yeah. Well, okay, what do you educate us on anything? I've been reading bits of box. So could we bring back just for one for one night only educating Ricky? Oh, I'm excited. Yeah. Do you think it warrants that? I don't know enough about it. You know what? About what? It sounds perfect. Play the jingle. Oh, educating Ricky is getting smarter.

A couple of things happened in the week that I read about, keeping up on what's going on and that. Sure. Yeah. One was about that Galileo fella. Okay. Was it about 1636? Was it? Was it? I think it might have been earlier. Go on. Did some stuff with light and that if he did lots of physical experiments yeah is that it then Carl is it? He did so he did some stuff with light in that? What did he do with light what was that? Well he did well I think he invented the first telescope yeah telescope so I think it's a particular lens that and he did experiments where he dropped to famously two different weighted balls from pizza, pizza, and they hit the ground at the same time showing that it doesn't matter, the weight doesn't matter, air resistance does and stuff like that.

I think he probably explained it a bit better than that. Yeah, but I'm talking to Carl. Did. Did they need to know stuff? He's just thinking about pizza. Yeah. Did they need to know stuff like that back then? What do you mean did they need to know stuff like that? It's just, it's just, it's just... They weren't people going around going to go and I've got to drop this two things off the pizza. I I I I I I just. I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they they they they they they they. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I knocking about then I'd be like, stop messing with that. We need a telly. Do you know what I mean? I think he thinks the flintstones is real. I know. That would be brilliant.

That would be brilliant. That's what I'd the cave, I'd be like a tele out of rock. Yeah, and need a car. Well we haven't really got the internal combustion engine. Can you stick your feet through the bottom? Yeah? Just get me a car for Christ's sake. Anyway, so I learned that. And then, um... He learned his name. Other people I'd know the name of this week. Oh, if a chimp could watch telly. Go on, go on. And he was also a fellow in a week who said that women shouldn't be wearing trousers. Why? Because they don't look good in them. What do you think? What do you think about that? It's rubbish. Yeah. These are the only things that have caught your eye over the last couple of weeks. This is the entire news. Galeo did something with lie. A French fellow said women shouldn't wear trousers. See that that that to me wouldn't pass as education. A education. A their their their thaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. A that that that that that that that that that that that that that would that would that would that woen. that woen. that woen. that woea. that woome. that's that's the. the. the. W. What the. What the. What thiuuu. What th. What th. What that thi. What thi. What thi. What that thi. What thi. What thi. What thii. What thi. What thi. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. the. W. thea. thea. thea. W. that thea. that theeeea. W. theeeeeeea. W. theeeeea. W. theeeea. theea. thea. thea. W. thousers. See that to me wouldn't pass as education. So it's not education. I don't know where you could ever use that. I don't know when that

would ever be applicable to life. I just like reading stuff that sort of reminds me of. Do you know what I mean? If I read it and it gets me thinking I think that's a good little piece. But I mean I, but surely me, can't you just sit near near near near near near near near near keep your brain going? Or shake your head every now and again. I mean what does this do? You mean it makes you start using your brain? But what aspect of the Frenchman said women shouldn't wear traces? What questions were you asking after? Because I thought, that's a bit daft in it, right?

Yeah? Okay, I don't think. That's a bit, that's a bittha. That's a bit. That's a bit. That's a bit. That's a bit. That's a bit. That's a bit. That's a bit. That's a that's a that's a that's a bit. That's a that's a that's a that's a that's a bit. That's a that's a th. That's a th. That's a th. That's a th. That's a th. That's a th. That's a th. That's a th. That's a th. That's a th. That's a th. That's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a th. That's a th. That's a th. That's a th. That's a th. That's a th. That's a th. That's a th. That's a th. That's a th. That's a th. That's a that. that. that. that. that. tha. tha. tha. tha. It's a tha. It's a tha. It's a th. It's nowhere else for me to go on that. He closes the game. Yeah, go on. What do you think? Let's go through this. I wish we could download his thoughts. Just watch it. Yeah. Wouldn't be great like a DVD? Imagine that extra footage on the office DVD. Yeah. Carl's brain. That would be amazing. Oh, with a commentary. Go on. Women wearing trousers and that, right? On the estate that I grew up in, on, right? There's a woman about four hours he's down, right? Rough. Now she used to wear leggings. Now they're a bad idea. They are a terrible idea. I agree with you there, Carl. If you're a lady of the normal perspective. Were they pink? No, they were sort of black but with all bits on them. Oh right. You know what I mean?

What, toast and horse droppings? Yeah, go on, yeah. And she used to, um, she's quite a big woman, she's quite a big woman, sure. Pauline Quirk, I that are attracted to leggings. Yeah, I know, yeah. They are drawn to them like a moth. She used to wear them and that's what I remember when I read this piece. And she used to work on one of those sex line things. Right.

She used to do that. But, what was she an engineer? The word, the word thing where there was, um, she she, the word, the word, she, the word, she, the word, she, the word, she, the word, she, the word, she, she, the word, she, the word, she, she, she, the word, she, the word, she, she, she, she, she, the word, she, the word, she was, she was, she, the word, she, she was, she was, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, and, she, and, she, she, and, she, the, the word, the word, the word, the word, th, th, th, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, the word, th. And, the word, the word, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, the word, the word, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, the word, the word thing where there was, she had big eyelids. I was right. Go on. That were too big and this is what I was thinking. What do you mean she had big eyelids? How big do I have to be if you'd go, they're big eyelids? What was she shoplifting with them? Would she come out of Dixon's with like radio

stored in them? What do you mean she had big eyelids? It was another one of them popular things around our way. Do you know what you mean popular things? They didn't go, oh I'll tell you what they're all the rage, can I get some big eyelids please? No, no, it was just one of them things that people suffered with, just big eyelids, they could hardly open their eyes. What does that mean? What do you mean? What do th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all th. I tho. I the. I the. I tho- the. I they're they're they they they up. People had big eyelids, they could hardly open their eyes. What does that mean? What sort of freak town were you born in? You had webbed feet people with big heads, you got women with big eyelids. What does big eyelids? What does big eyelids mean? Are you confusing her with the horse? Yeah, did she have hooves? Look what? Anyway, so there's this big eyelided woman with the lady. And th. And, th. And, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that, that, that, that, thee, that, that, that, that, that, that's, that's, that's, that's, thi, that, what, what that's, what that's, what that, what that, what that, what that, what that, what th, what th, what th. What, what th. What, what th. What, what th. What, what, what, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. th. th. thee. thee. thee. thee. that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, what that's, what that's, what threat. thee. thee. thee. What th, so there's this big-eye-lidded woman with the ladies. That's what I'm saying to you though, that's... When I read that story with people with trousers, I went from that, into that. To a woman who used to have big eyelids? I still don't know the point.

But then, but then, and also the other bloke who that means. I don't know all that means. I used to say to my mom, I'm going around to, you know, Dave's house. And, uh, or do you say, well, that's all right, but make sure his dad doesn't take you out in the car, because he could hardly, he could hardly see. He had to tilt his headthat. He'd get to tilt his head back to keep his eyes open. Then he have a couple of matches with him at all times. Oh, a load of golly, do you. This began as educating Ricky. I know, it's like people with eyelids.

But it's like you're supposed to make that leap as well. If I mentioned the trousers, Carl. This is the best off show on XFM 104.9 I'm Ricky DeVayes with me Stephen Murchase. Yes. I hope you're enjoying the best of. Like I said to you though, the reason I did this was to get that kitchen, right? Now, as we speak now, right, builders in the flat. He's been annoying me. Of course he has. What's he been doing? When he turned up on Monday, right?

It wanders in, and the first thing he says to me is, he said, the pub across the road, is it any good? I said, well, it doesn't matter, does it, you're, said the pub across the road, is it any good? I said well it doesn't matter does it you're working on the kitchen. Think of saying that to a builder, probably making conversation, probably meant do they do a toasted toasted sandwich? Because I've got a half hour lunch break, not an hour, like Carl. So I probably don't get a nice, you know, cheese and the cheese said that? theyrush, so you said, Susan, Susan, Susan, Susan, Susan, Susan, Susan, Susan, Susan, Susan, Susan, Susan, Susan, Susan, Susan, Susan, Susan, Susan, Susan, Susan, they's, do, do? they? they? they? they? they? they? they? they? they? they? they? they? they? they? they? Do, do? their? their? Do their? Do their? Do their? Do their, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do? Do, do? Do, do? Do, do? Do, do? Do, do? Do, do? Do, do? Do, do? Do, do? Do, do? Do, do? Do, do? Do, do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do? Do, do? Do? Do, do? Do, do? Do, do? the the the the the the they? the the they? the they? the the the the the the they? the the they? they? Do, do? Do, do? Do, do? Do, do was the suit Susan had a go at me saying why have you said that he hasn't even started on it yet. I cannot believe that. You're unbelievable Carl. And you say it's us that a rude Chris I wasn't rude I just was I just was letting him know. I mean I know what he was there for. He knows what he was there for. He had it down on his little docket do the kitchen this week. Yeah he didn't come there and go what the what they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're what they're what they're. What's I they're. What's I don't come. What's I don't come. What they they're. they're. they're. they're. What. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. th. the the. the. I their. I th. I th. I they're they're to the pub for a week? Why be we wearing these overalls? Yeah! Who's the little bald mank twad insulting me? Let me just check, let me call head office.

I wasn't having to go though, I mean they should have finished it yesterday. And you're there now, on their own. And what they're annoyed me is they? They turned up late to tune to XFM isn't it in your kitchen? Yeah, but they don't know it's me do they? You know what I mean? No, they'd go he's got a whiny manned voice as well so is the bloke who owns this place and the bloke owns this place when I said what's that pub like across the road said well he won't be bothering that he's no he's working on he's suddenly he's suddenly he's suddenly he the he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's he's he's he's he's he's he he he he he's he he's he he he he he he's he he's he he's he he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he's he's th t t t t t t toy tied he's t t toy toy tied he's t t toy toyed he's toyed he's he he he he the he he the? You've suddenly, the pen is dropped doesn't it? You've suddenly realised, he's suddenly realised they might know it's him! And they could be listening and they're going to clean you out mate. Oh, if you are the builder working in, where is it? I won't say the address, but it's central London is it? Yeah. Go mental. Have whatever you want. Opposite that pub that you like. That you're... They'll probably be in there now, so he won't be listening. Or insulting? That's the very hard when.

So just to be in today. He should have been at 8 this morning, which I knowed me anyway. Why, I don't, I really don't understand why they've got to start so early, right? But he said he'd be there for eight, turned up at half nine. arm, one of those crossword books, and Pop Noodle. Now I'm not being funny, but most of them take quite a bit of time. A crossword book is not happy with just the one that's in the paper. If you're listening, if you are the builder that's listening now, doing Carl's Flat, what about pissing in the laundry basket?

That was Jane's addiction. This is the best off show on XFM 104.9 I'm Ricky Javais with me Stephen Merchant. This was a clip show, we recorded a couple weeks ago. I hope you had a Merry Christmas. It's not over yet because tonight at 9.50 is the second part of the office Christmas specials. It's brilliant, watch it and we'll be back next week live on Ricky Javays with me Stephen Merchant. Bye. Have a great new year. Probably you're thinking Rick, isn't it time that we do their usual roundup of what's been happening in the news? Yeah. We always do something which is, I mean basically if you're listening and you're listening and you're a new listener, say you work at a newspaper, we always try to be informative, just try and put stuff out there that just educates people, inform people.

What are you thinking? Well, I said, monkey news is coming up, but what have you got? No, I was just looking on the net there and just found a couple of quite important news stories probably worth mentioning, um,man caught photographing up woman's skirt. No, he wasn't up there taking a picture of Big Ben. He wasn't going, can I just sit up here? I'm just going to take a picture of that, that seagull over there. No. He was facing the camera up a woman skirt. He was indeed.

Right. A policeman in Japan, up a woman skirt with a hidden camera while on duty. The 42-year-old sergeant who's not been named, used a digital camera to secretly snap the shots when the woman was reporting a stolen bicycle. So it was actually doing his proper job. He'd obviously thought to himself, I'll bring him a digital camera today, on the off chance a beautiful woman comes in to report a crime or robbery, I'll have it positioned, you know, in such a way. but th, but th, but th, but th, but th, but th, but th, but th, but th, but th, but th, but th, but th, but th, but thi, but thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the the the their, their, the their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thr-a, thr-s, thr-s, thr-s, thr-s, thr-s, thr-s, theyuuiiiiu.a' their, their, their,, I'll have it positioned, you know, in such

a way. But this is interesting, this is how he got caught, okay, the woman became suspicious after she saw a flash go off. Brilliant. I mean, this was not secret at all. Sorry, did I just see your shoe? Just spring into life. It was light. Yeah, I think I've had some, someone, someone set fire, some magnesium, it was on the thrown.......... It's, to, to, to, their s s s sshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshishishishishishishishishish, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I was, I was, the wo, the wo, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman. It, the woman, the woman. It, the woman, the woman. It, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman.. It, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the the the the the the the the woman, the the the th. the the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the some magnesium that was on the end of it, it won't happen again. But it's only you and I in here and your shoe was, it just suddenly lit and always got their shoe just sort of like between my feet? There's no reason the show I always stand. Just, where, what? What, what, what did the bike look like? So, are you, are you, on that? How did I know what? I'm not wearing any... I didn't know you, I don't know what you've got up there.

I don't know what it looks like, and there's no way I could. Of course, it would be the roughie that conversation in Japanese. I know, yeah. Do you know, you just mentioned there about sort of no knickers and that. It's just going to be your auntie Nora. No. No. No. No. It's, no, no, no, the, the, the, th, th, th, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there's there's there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, you know, like the last flat that I lived in, I always had a good view across the road and I could see, it was the hairy, airy, the hairy Chinese kid, it was just a Chinese kid actually. Yeah. Running back. Because that's rare, isn't it?

Eriechinese kids, very rare, isn't it? There's only one official sighting, isn't there? In one of those shit little, they? It's, they? It's, they? It's, they? It's, it, it, they? It's, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but? It's they? It's, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but? It's, but? It's, but? It's, but? It's. It's. It's. It's. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It's, it. It's, it. It's, it. It's, it's. It's, not? It's. It's, not? It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not the the the the the the the the the the the there. there. there's not was there. there. there. It was there. It was the the the the the was the old woman who didn't move, she was just sat there reading the book all the time we think possibly died and no one came around for weeks, yeah. But now I've moved, right? And it was quiet for a bit. I always look at what view I'm getting, right? Looks across and it was just sort of empty flats ready for people to move in and that, right? Anyway, people are in their people are the furniture in, but I haven't put any curtains up. So anyway, I'm sort of washing up, just having a look out of the window. Right?

Girl sort of wondering about, you know, knickers on. With no knickers? Well, she had a brow on. Right, okay. She's probably looking for a knicket. So, I thought, oh. And I don't know how long I was looking. No. Right.

But anyway, she looks across. Oh God. I think, oh, God. I felt really bad. Yeah. I said to Suzanne. Sorry, is this some sort of peeping thoaned? That's the thing that. Peepington? If I was peeping, she was peeping as well because she was looking over. Works both ways on it. Yeah, but yeah,

all she could see of you was your bald head. Yeah, no, no. And your hands moving as you were washing up. And some white-looking substance are off the tiply stubborn stain on this glass. Oh God. I imagine that. that's the sink is the sinking the sinking the sinking this sinking this this this this this this this thinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkinkink this this the sink this this the sink this. Oh God! Imagine that, imagine she looked across. I'm assuming her sink is lower, on the window. But didn't she just like just cover up or something? Or she looked back and go, oh you're looking at my bunny? Well, the thing I did, I thought, oh, just sort of dropped me, boxer short. What? What are you talking about? What are you talking about th talking th talking th talking th talking th talking tha tha? tha? tha? thi thi thi thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? tho, tho, tho, thi? I tho, that. I that. I that. I that. I that. I that. I that, I that, I that. I that. I tho, I tho. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I, I, I. I, I? I, I, I? I? I's, I's, I's, I'm assuming, I'm assuming, I'm assuming, I'm assuming, I'm assuming, I'm assuming, I'm assuming. I'm tho. I'm thooma. I thoooooooma. I tha. I'm assuming. I tha. I thooooomoomooma. I tho. I'm assuming. I thought, well Suzanne said what you doing? What are you talking about? No, just just so they couldn't see me cheeks of me. What are you talking about?

No, they said, because I thought, if she thinks I'm walking about in the nude as well, then we've both got something out of it. Carl? This sounds like, this sounds like a bad excuse in court. I know. So sorry, you immediately, so you immediately looking at a woman dancing around naked, right? So the only thing you could do was immediately drop your boxer shorts. So she looked across, saw you fully closed, saw you took your box. No, she looked across, so you wouldn't have seen your clothes. So I was sort of looking out. So she wouldn't have seen your trace was done anyway? So she wouldn't have seen your trace then the window. So you then made a... You actually climb in front of the window? To show up. No, it wasn't a naked lower off. Suzanne said, what

you're doing? What are you looking at? I'll send you in here to clean up. What are you doing? I'm just taking a trouser down, stand out of the window. Why? Because there's a naked woman across the road. What do you think I'm doing, Suzanne? I'm exposing myself while looking at some free funny. What's up with you, Suzan? Wait a minute, don't you just say? A like a penguin with your trains or any rain? I just was walking about and Suzanne said, what you're doing? I said, I'll explain to you in a bit, but don't look out the window because then it's tosses. Excellent. Then he sees that she calls her husband to look at cardboard, he goes.