The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Xfm S4E1 (May 28, 2005)

Episode Date: September 4, 2022

Gervais, Merchant, and Pilkington returned to XFM following the completion of ‘’Extras’’ series 1. This time, they recorded only 6 shows before Gervais and Merchant left XFM for good. The show would later continue as a podcast, with no further association with XFM.

Since you've been gone by Rainbow since we've been gone Steve, what's been going on mate? Well so much has happened doesn't it in the world, in politics and stuff, it's been an election and the like. I'm Ricky Gervais with me Steve Merchant and our producer. I say producer. Carl Pilkington. Yeah, very good. We've been away for a while. I think the last show we did was January 2004. Yeah, yeah. And nothing's changed. Nothing's changed whatsoever. I mean, I'm pretty sure I threw that away in the bin before I went, before I left. Yeah, there are some of your old bacon rights.

Yeah, yeah. There's spare ribs on the floor. Yeah, nothing's are some of your old bacon rites. Yeah, yeah. The spare ribs on the floor. Yeah, nothing's changed at all. Oh, no, that's not true. The listenership has changed. It went down slightly, isn't it, under last rage, huh? Well, I don't know. Is that what happened? Did it go down slightly, Carl?

A little bit, I don't think what happens is, the reason it goes down just very slightly each time is that their old listeners die, you know, old cure fans dying of... Yeah, you know smack addictions. Yeah, gout. But anyway, well I haven't listened to this station for a year and a half, so that's increased by one, which is probably quite a high percentage. Exactly. So I mean, I suppose that my question I suppose to you, Rick, would be, you know, why now? Why have you come back now? You know, you know?

Yeah. I was a bit bored of sitting at home. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

the only reason I'm here is because my housekeeper cleans between one and three. Oh, that's a good idea. So I want to get out of the house. And are they listening to XFM? Well, no, she doesn't speak English. I'm not made a money, Rick. You know, if I can help out a young immigrant lady, then I will do. And there are so many things I can't, you tha, you tha, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, tha, tha, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, I'm, I'm, that, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I thi, I tho, I tho, I tho, I tho, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm tho, tho, tho, tho, tho. And, tha, tha. And, tha. And, tha. And, tho. And, I'm tho. And, I'm thathere are so many things I can do for in so many ways.

But you know picking up my old tea towels and stuff is ideal. So that's why I'm here but I just, all I'm worried about is I think people kind of associate with the name Ricky Givet is they associate a certain level of quality. You know your life stand up DVDs there's a level of quality you've put a lot of work you've the TV, you've the TV, you've the TV, you've the TV, the TV, the TV, the TV, the TV, the TV, the TV, the TV, you've the the TV, the the TV, you've the TV, you've the TV the TV the TV the TV the TV the TV the TV, you've the TV, you've thi, you've the TV the TV the TV the TV the TV their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th th th th th th thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the theateat, theat, theateat, theat, theat, thea' theat, thea' thea' the No. Definitely not. Those things that you know, you sit down, we write them for a long time, we write them for a year maybe, then film them, we worry about everything. This is, I really, I'm not even sure I'm talking into the mic at the moment. I was actually doodling as you saw there. I'm eating the sandwiches, yeah. the sound sound sound sound sound sound sound sound, that you know, if you, although we do like music, that is true. That's absolutely right.

Should we play some great records? Yeah. I'll play a great record, yeah. I'll tell you what, I love you two now. Yeah. I honestly hated them, sort of everything from boy up to about, I think, beautiful day when that came out, I thought, oh that's all right, listening to the album, I love them now, Steve. It's a turn around, isn't it?

Well yeah, it's that kind of musical insight I? To find it something your tasks and wants and needs. Dr. Fox, what's happened to him? Is he off air now? Because that's one of the reasons I put no effort into this radio show, because, you know, we go to the Golden Globes the same month, we do nothing at the Sony, and Dr. Fox actually said, talking about it a year later. Yeah but then again you know he's a medical man and yeah well you know you've got you got to believe him a bit just his opinion exactly yeah yeah I could have done without the rectal examination I think he'd just said you're not very good try and enunciate not I know what the problem is all let's have a look down here exactly. Carlete are you had to you got to you to you to you got to you got to you got to to to to to to to to the to to the to to the to to to to the to to to to to to to the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they. I they. I they. I they. I they. I they. I they. I'm they. I'm they. I'm they. I'm they. I they. I'm they. I's they. I's to to the the the to, um, work good for one of those well clinics didn't you?

No, I haven't gone. Why? Because I'm not happy with it. What? I'm happy with the whole. Well, it's just, the people know what them places are. I've heard of them. Yeah, I've had one.

Yeah, they checked everything. girlfriend was like, you know, you're 30 odd now. When was the last time you went to the doctors and I haven't been per ages because I don't... No, I never go. I never go and there's I think I'm honestly going to die there on an agony. They can always find something. Jane maybe go to one of those well things, yeah, those boot things. Yeah, couple hundred a today they give you a complete head to their their their their their their their their their their their head their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thea, thoompiphea they they they they thoen, I they thoompera. I never they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're their, their, I, I, I, I their, I tha, I the, I the, I've tho, I've thooooooooooooooom.e. I never never togu. I never togu. I never thooo. I never thea. I never thea put head-to-bottom is what it is. They do the old finger up the a thing. Now what is that testing for? Well I like that he said it quietly because he's on the radio you can't say ass. I say quietly. Yeah yeah. Ass. That's what our mistake was because we got a complaint up how didn't we for saying and I'm talking about a

male chicken here which is a cock as you know and we said that word right so if we'd have gone cock we'd have probably got on away with it you can't go away with murder if you just yeah if you just whisper it to so go on then yeah so go on so yeah no I just I just I'm not going because I'm not going that done I don't understand what you're going to find up that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that the the they to to to to to to to to that to the that the to the that that the the that that the that that that the the that that the the the the the the that's that's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to the to to the the to the the the the the the they I I they I they things I things I things I they things I they they they wo I they don't they they they the what you're going to find up there that's... Your head? Why can't I just... I mean it's the heart that I worry about the most. Do you mean that in a kind of romantic sense? No, I mean like, you know, if you're ever have a long finger, wouldn't they? They're going to have a testicle? They're going to have a testicleongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongonge to to to to to to to to to to to the to the to to the the to their to their to to their to to their to to to to to to to to their their to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their their head. the. their head. their head. their head. their head. their head.e. their head.e. their head. their. their. the doctors, they hold your testicles and they make you cough. Yeah, they don't hold the testicles anymore, they just put it sort of like by

the side of them. And what's that testing for? I don't know. I think it's something to do with, if you got something wrong with your diaphragm having a quick feel. So you can... Well that's good because, do you remember when Kyle said he's going to die of cancer and I said why? He said, I don't check my balls. I said, I don't like the feel. So they feel it for you. They feel them for you and you can just relax, shut your eyes and think of England. Don't mess with them. What do you mean? You can do more damage messing about with them, just leave them. It's two anyway. You can afford to lose one. Yeah, I don't think that's the point. I think the point is it, it sort of spreads, doesn't it? You know, you've got to check them. I mean, I'm not saying, you know, if don't do it, you know, if you spend a lot of money saying to the the the the the their their their their their, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you their, you know, their, thi, you thi, you their, you their, you their, you're their, you're their, you're their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. th. th. Yeah, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, to to th. Yeah, to to to to to to to that, to that, that, that, that, that, their, you got the time, what have you? But I'm not, I don't worry about it, leave it, leave it alone.

Why, out of interest, why do doctors stick fingers up your eyes? Tickley prostate? Check the prostate? Yeah. Because it was swollen, it's... Yeah, it could, you know, that would lead to all sorts of problems. Again, they're not having a laugh on, look at this bald little mank fella. I feel his ball, stick a finger up his ass and send him home. 300 quid please, on you go. What about me? It's fine.

And they're all laughing. Roger, Jeff, stand behind that two-way mirror. Yeah, yeah, what's this? I'm not going anyway. Really, you're not going because you don't want. It's not the fact is a stranger, if it was someone who I knew that would be just the garrh! That'd be worse! Imagine that! At a dinner party? Oh God!

Oh look, hello, Roger and Selena. Do you mind? Roger, do you mind? Would you allow any of the celebrity doctors to do it though? Dr. Dre, Fox. Fox, any of those. I just don't thso. I th. I th. I don't. I don't. I th. I th. I th. I don't. I don't. I th. I don't. I don't. I just. I just. I don't. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho. tho. th. th. tho. tho. tho. tho. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. th. to sign this day in age. Would you allow Christopher Eggleston to stick his big northern finger up yet? Do you have a song on anyway? What? Beanie Seagull. I love this track.

Oh, it's pretty urban for you, Rick. Beanie Seagull, feel it in the air. Beautiful track, isn't it? Oh, it's wonderful. I love you summer's day like this as well, Ricky. It's the it in the air. Beautiful track, isn't it? Well it's wonderful, I love the summer to stay like this as well, Ricky, it's the ideal choice. Well, I'm a little bit worried that if there are any new listeners, very unlikely, that they may be familiar with our work, but they might not know the wonderful little

gem that we found. Just there, a little rough diamond in the in the mud yeah Carl Pilkington yeah just working here just working away as a little producer little sound man yeah and he was we gave him his opportunity didn't we it's like Cinderella wasn't it yeah and he grasped that opportunity didn't you by the horns and three years later you're exactly when you started so good work So good work. I got Mondays off now. Well I thought maybe a useful way of introducing the mind of Carl Pilkington. Yeah. You use that term loosely. Yeah when I say mind I don't, yeah. Yeah. I thought what, look at his face! There is a website.

Oh, there's a website that we just found. Right, Carl, what is the address? If you are unfamiliar with what Carl looks like, please log on to this now. Log on to this website and stay tuned, but let's log on to the website, because you'll see Carl's face, you'll see some of his pearls of wisdom. Yeah, what's the address, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, what, what, what, what, what's, what's, what's, what, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the address, the address, the address, the address, the address, the address, the address, the address, the address, the address, the address, the address, what, what, what, the address, the address, the address, the address, the address, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the uh... free webs dot com www dot yeah free webs dot com free webs dot com it's forward slash yeah the

dash k dash man forward slash The k man it is yeah do it again say again but get a pencil now free webs dot com one word slash the dash k dash man forward slash now when you say But get a pencil now, they all got a pencil now. Free webs.com. One word. Slash. The dash, k, dash, man. Forward slash.

Now when you say dash, is it a dash or is it an underscore? Is it in the middle of the word or is it hover in the middle of the word? Is it the bottom? It's just just a line and that. Yeah, I know, but is it an underscore. the the? Try both. He covered it down. But we're talking about. That's the sort of level we're talking about. Already you've got some insight into the mind of car. Yeah, absolutely, yeah. But what we should do is we can hide it.

Try both. Imagine that. Imagine Bill Gates. Yeah. Or a teacher. In an exam. Hot down both. Multiple choice! Yeah. Yeah.

All right, okay. But anyway, if you're a reader of the weekend guardian, you'll know there's this thing called the Q&A, which they give to celebrities and thinkers and the like, basically it's a series of questions they pose to each people each week and it's the same questions. And it gives little insight into people's the thinksink people's. What particular, what thinker philosopher is in this week's? It's the lead singer of feeder. So, um, you're in good company, Carl. No, I like feeder.

No, fine, I love feeder. So, Carl, I'm just going to fire a couple of these questions at you. We may drop them in throughout the course of the show just to try try try to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their to get their their their their to get their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the., the., the., the., the., theateateateateateateateateateateateateateatr., theateateateateateatr. theateateateateateateateate. Soe. Soe. Soeate. So first up first question all right you got your thinking head on go on no where's all what is your idea of perfect happiness what for me or already no no but what do you mean like what will make me happy or everyone to be happy no what will make you happy maybe that is that maybe that's the answer your idea of people having this is everyone being happy I don't know what's your what would make you to make you totally I like to make you like I imagine I'm like like I I I the idea I the idea I the idea I the idea I the idea I the idea I the idea I the idea I the idea I the idea I the idea I'm like like like like like like like like like like like like I'm like like I'm like like like I'm like like like I'm like like I the idea I the idea I the idea I their the idea I'm like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like, what would would the the the the the th, what would th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. What would would would would would would would would would would th. What would th. What would that to to to to- to- tot. tot. tot. tot. tot. What would tot. What would to to that the like really, really happy with anything. Carl, I've never seen you really happy, no. No, but... Um... When have you been at your happiest?

Probably... I like, I like sort of fish fingers, potato cakes and beans for a... Yeah. You're not, you're not, yeah. Well, let's move on, we'll come back on. I don't think you're aiming high enough for a... Well, what would your answer be for that? When are you happy? What would make you happy? Um, I wouldn't have the, I'd have fish fingers, but I probably wouldn't have

the potato cakes. I'd have fish fingers and beans. So I'm not a huge fan of the the the the the the the the the the it? Just the fish fingers. Okay good. All right second question. What is your greatest fear, Carl? Hmm. Going to the doctors. So presumably ill health and mortality? Let's say you do it, you see? No, I don't. I don't want to live forever either. No, no. No, no. I don't want to live forever either. No, no. No. I just want to get to about 80, 83, 84. Specific. Yeah, okay.

Which living person do you most admire? Uh, Uh, Which person throughout any time in history do you most admire? Winston Churchill is pretty good. Yeah, it's very good. Why? Good answer. Because if he want for him, we'd be talking German. I'm not that good at that.

I love that. He's not that good at that. Even if the Nazi won, right, in 1945, and we'd be now speaking German, he still wouldn't be that good at it. Although he's not good at English, so I suppose, yeah, I suppose that's true, isn't it? All right, well here's the final one for now. Do you believe in capital punishment?

Uh, that's not it in Dr. Fox over the head with a stick. Depends what, th't it? Go on. Oh, if it's something bad. Well, I assume it would be. They don't kill people now for parking illegally. But what sort of thing are you talking about? What sort of punishment? Capital punishment?

Yeah, I know, but what is that? What are you talking about? Well, guillotine hanging? Angin's a bit bad? Yeah. Uh... Can be fatal, can it? What do you mean?

It's all bad? Why should the state kill someone? Because prisons are getting a bit busy, aren't they? Brilliant. Okay. What's the point in keeping them, you know, people around? What's the point in killing them? Just because, right, that's that's that, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that Don who's next you know what can you do with someone if they're mental?

Employ him on a radio show? Yeah. Right the next question. Play a record. Okay. What do you want? What have you got in here? Rick I know you're a massive fan of the Thorns. Yeah maybe you're less familiar with the different elements of the Thorns, solo work. I know. It's trying from Matthew Sweet. Oh yeah. XFNXFA, XFA, 104. And a song called In My Time, Ricky, Steve, Motion, Carl Pilkington.

That's great that. Yeah, just asking Carl Pilkington. That's, Ricky Vase, Steve Mociant, Carl Pilkington. That's great that. Yeah, just asking Carl, some of these Q&A questions. This might be my idea of Prepakabus, being in a room with Carl Pilkington. Just what I watch him, I just watch him look around, when you're talking, he looks at you and it's like, you know when the owners say it, it's, it's, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it's, it, it's, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, to, the, is, is, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, like he's on the edge of that. He's on the edge of that. You think he can and I know he understands the words but I don't think he understands the full impact. He never whenever you say something to him it might be some of you know a revelation or some of it always picks up on the wrong side you know that's not the important bit. Do you know I mean? It's a bit like having a 14 year old French exchange student. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They's. They's. They's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's a their. It's. It's a their. It's a their. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's the. It's a the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the trying to piece together what you're saying. Exactly, but it's great.

You see, the thing about Carl is, and don't take this the wrong way, I like him because he's stupid in a way. Now I'm not being funny, but do you know what I mean? But even though I think he is considered stupid, some of the things he says, I think borders on the, I don't on the PC term is, the retarded. Do you what I mean, Carl? Anything in particular you're thinking of though, Rick, when you think of the... Well, he was talking to me that day because I'm trying to write a show called Science and he's sort of going to help me out with some of the search and I want want I I I I I I I I I I I I I I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm th. I'm the. I'm the. I'm the. I think I'm the. the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I'm the. I th. I on the DVD for it, right? And he was talking about it and he was talking about, he says, in the future they reckon we'll be an avater soon, he said, they'll be able to take us into space and it's going to

cost us 150,000 pounds. Said, what's the point? There's nothing up there. He said, when they went up there, he said, when they went, when they went, when the the th went, 1966, right, he said it was nothing there. So there was him, a fellow called Buzz, there was one and third bloke that didn't even get out of the spaceship. He said he went all that way he didn't go up to stretch his legs. How good can it be? Forget it. That's him summing up space. Don't you agree with that? What's the point in going up there? Because you're expanding... Are we talking about the finger in the ass again there or

space? What is the point in going to see? Because you're expanding you know human endeavor aren't you and the human understanding of the world and the universe? It's like what else are we going to do as a civilization as a people if we're not constantly searching and you know and reaching out out and the their their their their there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there their their their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. there's there's there's their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. th. th. to to to to tome. toge. tome. to. to. toge. to. to. to. to their. their. their is. there's nothing there. I know some people you grow up with that haven't left their street, but that's not everyone. But what is it? What do you mean there's nothing there that? What has got to be there for it to be a worthwhile like? Just something. I mean, to be on it, I mean, to get out have a bit of a dance about and then they came straight back and I sort of

think you know did they look properly? It's not a day trip is it? But what I mean is... But they took that car out there didn't they and drove around a bit? Yeah but only a little bit what I mean is say if there's not there so they'd not much there so much so much so much so much so much so much so much so much so much so much so much so much so they's they's they's they's they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're not they're not they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're not they're not to they're not to to they they they're not they're they're they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're much there? Well it's a bit barren in it? What Africa? Just in general? Well, it's anywhere like that, the desert or whatever, what I'm saying is, have a good look around. Probably where all life came from and probably half a million species of animals live there. Oh buildings and that and stuff. Oh buildings. Well just stuff. Yeah I mean did they look properly or did they just land get out go out, or a bit a the the the the the the the their their their their th. th. th. th. th. their th. th. th. th. th. the. the. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. their th. thi. thi. the. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. their th. their their their their their their th. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the. What's the. What's the. What's the. It's the. It's theeatea. It's theeeea. It's theeea. thea. theeea. thea. thea., a bit dusty or whatever. Right, let's go back. I just think it's a bit pointless. Especially when we haven't done everything there is to do here.

I mean, well, I don't know, but I'm sure there is stuff. That needs sorting out. Well, I know the place that there's no medical man has been in this room. There's definitely an unexplored cavern. All right, Steve, would you go to the moon if someone said there's a space? He doesn't march at a concert because he scared his glasses to fall off. Of course he wouldn't go to the moon. They'd spinning round in training, his glasses would come off and that would be it. He'd feel sick. My worry is I'm not sure I'd get, I'd have to, because I would I be to wear him under the helmet?

Imagine him! Like I went, I went paintballing once and I had to wear the glasses underneath the mask and of course it was hot weather, it was steamed up in there. It's time I couldn't see anything. I got shot straight away, it was pointless. You know, it cost me like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like that that that to be like to be like to be like to be like to be like to be like to be like that to be like that that to be like to be like that that to be like to be like that to be like to be like to be like the to be like 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8. I the the the the the the the the the th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I to be to be to be to be to be to be th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th yeah, but what are you talking about? Think of G-Force alone and weightlessness. Of course you've got to be, what? I think when you said, think of G-4, the follow-up winners in Pop Idol.

I could see it as his eyes glazed. The more quick questions for you, can I just try and get inside your mind. What is your greatest regret? Uh, probably, I didn't do that well at school, did I? So I'm trying to like learn stuff now. Yeah. Not mentally, but, yeah. He reckoned he's learned more in the last three months than the rest of his life

reading a couple of science books I gave him. Well, that's impressive. that's a that's impressive. that's impressive. that's impressive. that's impressive. that's impressive. that's impressive. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that. I. that's that's that's that that that that that. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's thii. I. I' thi. I'm thi. thi. thi. try. try. try. try. try. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's'll test you on that later on. What keeps you awake at night? Well I live in sort of central London, no? So it's brilliant. I think they were thinking more of what fears have you got? What worries do you do you ponder the expansion of the universe? Do you worry about it? It's no point is there? There's nothing I can do thi. So what with you it's the what the little Chinese fellow across the road? Just stuff that I've got to sort out, you know, any bills or anything. I don't worry about the world ending or anything. What's the point in that? That's true.

I don't do anything about it. I always think that people with more sort of intelligence have the world on the shoulders. Because they're worried about stuff that's miles away whereas I'm like you know I'm happy if the sun's out it's nice day yeah yeah I don't worry about wars and stuff going on because there's now I can do what would you do if there was a war that maybe there was what here yeah go on holiday play a record cop I'm your fool. Everyone's got the change to break. Oh, there's not been one of the best rock tracks ever, isn't it?

Oh, there's no argument. Did I sound like Dr. Fox again? A little bit. Yeah, it's a good thing, isn't it? Yeah, it's a good thing, isn't it? it? Yeah, we're gonna get a Sony Award this year. Carl, how are you doing? Yeah, I'm all right, yeah. Yeah, it's good to be back, isn't it? We're doing rockbusters in a bit of what? Have we got rockbusters? Well, Hallelujah! I'll tell you this, new listeners, huh? I'll tell you this is won't believe their luck when they hear rockbusters. We've got rockbusters. Have we got, well, dare I say it, have we got monkey news, Carl? Well, I've been away, aren't I? So I've sort of got a few things that I've read about roughly, but I don't know the full ins and outs. You're joking, because usually you do your search quite well, don't you when you get off, their it it it, I, I, I, I, their, I, their, their, I, the, the, the, the, th, than, than, than, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, thin, tho, tho, that, that, tho, tho, have tho, have tho, have tho, have tho, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin, thin, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, their, thi, their, their, their, tha. tha''. tha'. tha'a'a'a'a'a'a'a to do something like that. I love him my name. I love him when he teaches us with his monkey news. We've had emails about that that website address. Oh yeah.

It was it was a what's a name? An underscore? Okay so give it out one more time they go to this just find out about Carl's someone's some great pictures of Carl. It's well they're not great. They're just free webs.com slash the underscore k underscore man slash okay forward slashes all the way. Yeah. Except the underscores. Is it interminable? Isn't it interminable given our email addresses? I know yeah. Oh yeah. Oh dear. Is he enjoying the show? It just says, I love spending two hours on a Saturday listening about fingers the teasks, doctors squeezing testicles and making your cough. Have you got any news on the air of Chinese kid? So...

Well, when you say it like that, some of the stuff we come, it does sound a little bit of, you know, drivel. Well, sometimes. Carl was worried, he was worried about swearing, because after we were talking about the finger at hass and that, he's generally worried. And I don't have a problem with swearing, although I understand why you can't say certain words on the word, it might be offensive, you know, the F-wen, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, the, th, the, thin, thin, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, the, th, so, so, so, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, the, the, the, the, the, th....... Well, were, were, were, were, were, were, were, were, were, were, were, were, were, were, were, were, were, were, were, were, were, were, were, were, were, the the, the, they. they. they. they. the they. the, were, the, they. they. the the the they. the the they. the the the the the the the t t those but when they bleep it out when they bleep out in a record they bleep out the v-out so it goes beep beep right what so they go it's not offensive I didn't hear the vowel presumably yeah so if you change the vowel it's not do you know I mean so in the C word could I say could I could I talk about the philosopher Emmanuel Kant well you can

talk about Emmanuel Kant because he's one of the great thinkers th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th of the the th of the th of the the the th of the the the thininter the tho the tho the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the theymea.eeeeat.eat.eat.eat.eat.eat.e. Soe. Soe. So. So. So. So. So. So. So one of the great thinkers of all time. So Kant is not an offensive word because the vowel is different is it? Leave it, leave it then. Do you know what I mean though? But I don't see how it can be offensive. You can't? It can't be, it can't be. His name is his name is his name. His name is his name is can't and their name. I think it hasn't the the he comes father is grandfather. Yeah we did like German people. Oh Germany is I assume full of cants. Yeah. What? What else would you?

So can't change the vow so can't the vow so could I say um could I say uh could I say uh uh probably not or if I changed two words what have I said comp. Cump. That can't be offensive. So I could say you, Fulking Cump. Yeah, okay. Well, I need a schnit. That'll be true.

Wonka, Willie Wonka? Yeah. That's a good one. Willy Wanker? Yeah, although Willie Wonka and his Falkin Cumps. Yeah. That'll be fine. Is that all right then, Carl? Any other questions or anything? Well, I'm not such a question, but something that I think might be of interest to you, Carl,

was really about this in the paper, and I know how fascinated you are by people of the Japanese persuasion. Two elderly men found on a remote island, I believe to be Japanese soldiers in hiding since 1945, desperate to go home. Diplomats from Tokyo are investigating the claims of these men who are 87 and 83. What? What? What are you thinking there? Well, no, go on. Say what you're thinking. Go on. Say what you're thinking I'll be that old though why why why say why I don't want to just leave it well I thought I mean I don't think I don't think this is fine it's it's I let's say that Carl's views don't

reflect the views of xfm right Carl's got a theory that oriental people don't age well sure sure let Carl off that story yeah but I think the people will probably agree with th th th th th th th that that th that that th that th that th that th that th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the tho the the the the the tho tho the tho tho the the th th th th th th th th th th the th th th th th th th th th they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the the the the the the the thee theeeeeeeee theeeeee thee they're the the they're they're they're they're they Sure. Let that know that annoys me the way, yeah but I think people will probably agree with me but for some reason, well the first time I said that I wasn't even worried about it but now because of reaction of people. I don't understand, I don't know why I can't say that. What's your theory? Explain your theory in a nutshell. Just like you don't see a, year old Chinese person or either. No but at the same time you don't see a 33 year old thing person.

So in a way that's that's good news nobody would be upset about that. But what do you mean you don't see a 33 year old Chinese person? But what do you mean you don't see that? that's good news? What do you mean you don't see them? What do you see then? Sort of, you know, young ones, uh, and then like, you don't see that middle ground. I don't know what, this theory is based on. So you see old ones and you say, uh, and you say young ones, but you never see any in between? What do you you you you you you th th th th th've seen before the age of 33? How old do you think? About 22? 22? So you've seen lots of 22 years? So you've seen arranged from babies to 22 year old, Chinese people. That's

fact, okay? And then what gap do you miss out? When do they pop back up on the radar for you? what age to the age? What age is a the their older than that? Well, 49. It's always so specific. What do you mean? When you say they don't age well? What do you mean they don't age well? Do you think that you mean that middle-aged ones look old? Because you think, 23, when they're 23, when they're 23, they're thrown,they don't age that well.

There's nothing wrong with that. I don't know what it is in them, but they just don't... All right then, here's a question. You tell me of a Chinese person on the tele, who's about 32. Tell me the Chinese person on the tele, first. Give us the great gamut of Chinese talent currently on British TV right and I'll start pick and choose. Go on then. Bruce Lee.

Hmm. How long has he been dead? Bruce Lee? 70s wouldn't it? Not really, not really on the tele, was he? What age was he when he died? 33 I think. Well, I would have never guessed that. Well, what do you think, how would you when he died? 33 I think. Well I would never have guessed that. Well what do you think? How old do you think he was? Probably about 42. You know Bert Quok?

Yeah he's old. Yeah do you remember the Pink Panther films? No. Okay he wasn't that old in them because it was 67 is. But how old did he look though? If he walked in and someone said you never guess how old he is, what would you have said? All right then, there's my point then, there's me point. I have to say, I've been listening to you two talk and I like the idea that there's people who've been waiting 18 months for some of this. For the Kant discussion, the Orientals. I do you know what I think, I think, I think, I think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the Orientals. I do you know what I think I think can as a philosopher is very popular in Essex because I hear him saying his name all the time whenever I go through what they all shouting this and I was shouting King's a L'Orella, Who tax you roll on, King's a Leigh on an X-FM,

College of Esty Merchant, Carp Wilkinton. Carl, dead air. Talk! Talk! I'm just looking at it now. Yeah, but that's no good on radio. You can't just look at something. You've got to talk.

Is he even more backward than I remember? I don't to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to to the to I remember. I don't know. It's just that someone's emailed in. Yeah, so you've got to tell them the business is that. I'm telling them now, I'm doing it. Someone's emailed in from Tokyo saying that he's getting married in a few months to a Japanese woman, she's 27. Just what I know how long I've got so she starts looking old. Well how long do you reckon according to your theory. Hmm. About... Probably about four years. About four years and that. So... What would you advise him to get out now or... Well, have some good sort of wedding pictures done and that.

No. What? It's not true! The theory is not true! We'll see, we'll see, won't we? Oh yeah, oh yeah, great, in four years time he's gonna send a picture and going, oh you're right Carl, look she looks like a prune. What? He's gonna suddenly start saying his girl, it's not true, it's not gonna happen. It's that thing though, in it, of looking at her ma'am. There's just sort of get a little tase of what's to come and what have you?

Then what's to come with yours? Uh, he's a good job. I didn't meet her early on. You know? You're going to be such trouble! No, they don't listen. It's all right. Really? Well she's their hand does, doesn't she? She's probably out. Really? But she knows. She's got some sense. When you get back! Yeah. You went holiday with them, didn't you? Yeah, I've been on holiday. We've been on holiday last week, been away.

But that was just me and Suzanne. Talk about it later. Yeah, okay. that's coming up. Plus of course rockbusters, the return of rockbusters. Let's start rockbusters. Let's do rockbusters. Let's get it rolling because we've got, I have got some amazing prizes. I went to the Americas and I brought back gifts. Not your tobacco and your potatoes, but brilliant prizes. Now quite seriously, these are not the usual tat. You will win some tat for rockbusters, okay? Okay. We've. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. toe. toe. th. toe. toe. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thr. th. th. th. to. th. th. th. I'. I'. I'm. I've. I've. I've. I'. I'. I'. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm t. I've t. I've t. I've t. I've t. I've t. I've t. I've t. I've t. I've t. I've. I've. I've got DVDs, CDs, things like that, right? But the winner of rockbusters today will go through to a chance to win the prizes in week six. We're only here for six weeks by the way. This is our first of six shows. God for that. Yeah. And I got, I went to do

the Simpsons last weekend and I've got a drawing here, an original drawing of Homer by Matt Groening. See that? Look at that. As Homer there, your pal Matt Groening, May the 18th, 2005. And Homer is saying, I love Carl because he's stupid like me. And that's going to be framed, the original drawing. That is worth, I think, a lot, but I promised Matt Graining that it will not go on eBay. So I hope it goes to a fan I've also got a rare spinal tap poster met with Christopher Guest and he signed that Nigel Tuffnell so

so fans are spiral sat on the Simpsons possibly the two greatest things ever yeah I think yeah also my friend Rob who did flannels with me has drawn us three, as flannamals, as Steve there, a little Gogglanker, there's me there a little bloke dumpling and little Carl Pilgerton, Pinkloid Numbscrunt. And these are all, these are going to be framed. So some very nice prizes. And I've got a little surprise for you. Obviously I met Homer, press that little button there, listen to this. Hi, this is Homer Simpson, I like Carl and it's perfectly round-balled head. If you put three holes in it, it looks just like my bowling ball. Fine. Actual proof that you've met the people themselves that the prizes are

bona fide and genuine, but don't enter this week's rock busters thi thito win those prizes automatically. This week you just win the usual TAT. What is the TAT, Steve? Well, we'll talk about that shortly. But you go forward to the big showdown, the big final competition in week six where you get the chance to win those quite today. One person wins all their appetite. I think play a record and maybe some wonderful adverts and then come back with rockbusters. It's that kind of teasing that has made this a potential award-winning show. Bronze I think next year. Can we just swap that round do ads and the song?

Whatever way suits you, mate, that. Go ahead. XFM 104.9 magic numbers, Ricky Jovey, Steve Merchant, Carl Pilkington. Well, I'm a little bit worried. I've just got a warn, listen now, if we suddenly just go off air, right, it's because champagne is pouring down a hole where there's lots of wires into the desk, because Steve, yeah, sorry about that. their champagne, right, just took that wire thing off, just put it there, of course because it's warm, it just exploded everywhere. Yeah, I should explain now I didn't bring in champagne to the radio, I mean I'm not an idiot. But actually from Focus PR, Ashley has rather nicely sent us some Lynn Dower of sparkling

wine and I'm just trying some and it's really quite refreshing on this summer's day. So if you're perhaps working for some kind of PR agency, you know, or any kind of company and you want to send us stuff which you want us to shamelessly promote on air, then feel free to do that. So you're just looking for free stuff? Yeah I mean you know electrical goods. Okay it's not just like champagne the company's feeling company's feeling jealous, definitely not some and you'd mention it. I don't want to exclude anyone from this. You know, anyone is welcome to send anything in. As I say, I'm particularly interested in sort of designer goods. Okay. You know, the Apple Mac people, they're welcome to send anything in.

Now, what's annoying about that champagne opening that, that as you know I bought my camera in and I wanted to film you opening that onto Carl's head got the cork. Rick I got another bottle. Have you ever... I don't want you to miss out on your chili like that. That's a bit of a waste of champagne opening two bottles. But Carl, would you mind? Because that would have made a cracking noise against your and because it's such a lovely bald little sort of dome. Put your head, we'll put your head right down, yeah. It'll open it, we'll see what the cork does and I'll film it for like a website or something. Maybe we'll make that the finale of today's show.

That'll be great. Okay. Sponsored by Lindauer, Spickel. Oh yeah, the sound of a cracking cork against Carl Skull sponsored by Lindow. Sponsored by Lindow, available now. Right. Right, we're doing rockbusters, huh? You should explain briefly what the concept is, Carl, because there might be a few new listeners. It's blockbusters. Right, go on then. Well, it's not. It's not blockbusters. No, because they were real clues, weren't they? He says they're a cryptic. It's not cryptic. It's they're their. It's their. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. It's. Oh. It's. It's. Oh. It's. It's their. It's their. It's their. their. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. their. their. the their. the the the concept. the concept. the concept.. Rick, just calm everything. Let me explain basically what the concept is. You'll remember some of the greats from the past. Yeah. Basically, you give some vague clue, is that right, Carl? And from that, we're supposed to deduct which band or artist you're thinking of. So, for instance, there was a classic. Well, the West Indian fellow thithers spinning. th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. the West. the the th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. the th. the th. the the the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great great great great great great great great great great great great. the great. the great great. the great. the great great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the great. the the the great. the great. the the th. Trout Spinners. Yeah, Detroit Spinners. There's also what happens if you fall over into a puddle in Texas, wet knee Houston?

That's what you're working with. But I just can say there's no irony in this. Carl doesn't think this is quirky or kitsch or ironic. This he thinks these are, he thinks these could go on the guardian crossword yeah right okay this is the best I can come up with yeah so so this this three of them yeah I give you the cryptic clue not not gonna to help you along well it is and I give you some initials of the band or the artist or whatever to help you along as well yeah three this is on this is on the this on this on this on this one this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is th th th th is on th is on th is on th is on the the th is on th is on th is on th is on th is on th is thi thi the thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is on this is on this is on th is on the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi thi thi is on thi is on the thi is on the the thi the thi is on the the thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi is on the text only, we don't want emails on this one. It's the one that gets the highest or the first one to get three. The first email with three or the first one that is the highest. So if no one gets the third one, which I wouldn't blame you for, so if there's like 30 people

that get two, it's the first email tack and I'm not sure what it is. Yeah, there's some DVDs and stuff there, it's not bad, yeah, but it means you go forward to the grand final in six weeks time when you're playing for all that amazing stuff Ricky Scott, we've got the signed, genuine exclusive drawing of Homer, Simpson done by Matt Groaning, featuring references to car. We've got the signed, the Niger National. And it's such a shame that your only chance of winning it is with this in name quiz. Absolutely. It's not it's not down to skill or anything. It's just such a shame that it's it's just the thawn. Go on then. Right then. So the first one. Oh yeah, because X-ven play of Detroit Dictorix-Spin as Whitney Houston all the time, don't they? All right, these three. Give it away, but these are X-FEN bands.

Okay, yeah. Right. If you got, if you got like a bulb... Oh, Jesus. I just, I know. You don't think about the Look, go on then. Right, so if you get a bulb, right? A bulb? A bulb? A bulb. A bulb? A bulb? A bulb? A bulb? Yeah. What's a bulb? What's a bulb? Like a bulb? I like bulb. Okay, yeah. So you get a bulb? You get a bulb? Yeah. Yeah. Come on. He got something in your throat. What are you doing? You need a gobstopper? What are you doing? What do? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the bulb? A bu bububububububububububububub the bulb? A bulb? A bulb? A bulb? A bulb? A bulb? A bulb? A bulb? A bulb? A bulb? A bulb? A bulb? A bulb? A bulb? A bulb? A bulb? A bulb? A bulb? A bu bu bu bu bu bu? A the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the ball? A bu? A bu? A bub? A bub? A bub? A bulb? A bulb? A bulb? A bulb? A bulb? A bulb? A bulb? A bulb? A bulb? A bulb? What thobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobob here. Are you got something on throat? What are you doing? You need a gobsopper?

What are you doing? You want to play a song then? No, come on. Get the clue, for goodness. Right. So the cryptic clue is, so if you get a bulb like, go on. And you look after it, right, you look after that bulb. And you teach it stuff and all that.

Jesus Christ. What you do in there? Do you know what I mean? This is extraordinary. That's amazing. Imagine that written down the today. That's not a clue. That's an essay. It's a conversation with yourself. That's a light. It's a light. It's a light. It's a light. It's a light. It's a light. I. that. that. that. that. that. th. that. that. that. that. that. that. that's a light. that's a light. that's a light that's a light that's a light that's a light that's a light. that's a light that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that, you. You. You. You. that. You. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. th. th. th. the light. the light. the light. the light. the light. the light. the light. the light. the light. the light. the the light. the th. thi. thi. th there. But, imagine it, that's not a clue, that's an essay. It's a conversation with yourself. I don't know if you use a light bulb, a bulb like you plant in the garden? What kind of bulb does he mean? Yeah. It doesn't really matter. Oh, okay. Well, remember that. It, you get a bulb, right? When it's young, you look after that bulb, you teach you stuff, and what have you, what have you done there? What's going on?

Brilliant! So good size! R, right? R. R for rabbit, right? So what's this when they get home from like a night out drinking right what's the problem we've got right the initial there k

what's the band people get in from having a night out the problem doing this what is it what's the problem okay and clue number three i had a vision of that chinese flu right that's that's see i had a vision of that Chinese flu, right? That's C. I had a vision of that Chinese flu.

You had a vision of that Chinese flu and that's the letter C. Right, so three bands there, three cryptic clues. Not really. Text in, 83 XFM. Just send the three band names that will do on it. Can they do a website as well? If they want they can email in. Well tell them what it is. Yeah Ricky Dr. Vase, XFM dot. UK, send it in there. Give them again a quickly then, right then. So get a bulb when it's young and that. Look after it. Brilliant. Different, different. Teach it stuff. Yeah. R. What's the band? R. the second the band. the band. the band. the band. the band. the band. the band. the band. the band. the the the the the th. the th. th. the th. th. the th. th. th. the th. the their. their. R. R. R. R. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. this when they get home late at night, you know, they've been out drinking and that, they get home, what more problem are you going to have? K is the initial. Third one, I had a vision of that Chinese flu.

What do I mean? Brilliant. C is the initial. Play a record. I mean, it's abomination. Right, 104. Rick, there may be listeners tuning in thinking they've got something better to do, for instance, switching off the radio and just staring blankly at the wall for the next half an hour, but no, because what they're going to miss is our grand finale.

Oh yeah, which is of course sponsored by Lindauer's, the sparkling wine solution to a hot summer's day. Yeah. Did you just make that up? Yeah. Pretty good. Good. They're going to be firing a cork at Carl's head just for the sound. I just think it's not happening. It's it is. You said no, no,

we've said it is now. We've promised it to the listeners. Yeah, come on. I'm not happy with it. Why? Because the pain? Well, I've never had it done so I don't know how painful it is. Well, all the reason to do it then? Yeah, we've got to try it out, haven't you? It's you're perfectly, you're perfect, it. It's, it. It's, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to to to to to to to to to to, we've to, we've to, we've to, we've to, we've to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to. Yeah, to. Yeah, to. Yeah, to. Yeah, to. Yeah, to, to. Yeah, to, to. to, to, to, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to, we've I'm hoping for pop but and I'm gonna film it for my website brilliant so go to that this week um Rickets raise dot com and see Carl Pilkison getting hit a high-powered court coming out of um Lindauer sparkling wine of course if you want to send us anything in and perhaps next week that you feel we could um that maybe that's right that's the sponsor us to do something to car. This is like interactive because a lot of people plan the show like Dr. Fox plans the show we sort of come up we riff on the idea so with that's a great idea. Send stuff in that we could harm Carl. Yeah we can harm Carl. to harm. the harm Carl. the the the harm Carl. the the the the the that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. to. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. to. that. That's. that. that. That's. that. That's. That's. That. That's. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That................................................................................................. the... the. the.. the.... the................... of those George Foreman grills. I've always got one of them.

I know but that's too too much isn't it? What if we just pressed his head inside it? We could put it on? We'd have to put it on. We'd have to put it on. See it. Just put a towel. Yeah. I've got to. do that thing with a towel. You put a towar around his head. the tie right right right right right right right right right right right right right. You put. the the the the tie. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that. that. that that that that that that that th. th. that th. that th. th. th. th. th. What th. What th. What th. What if we just th. What if we just th. What if th. What if th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. that the. the. th kills you don't it? It really is yeah so we'll be firing a cork at Carl's head I'll be filming it for the website. So that's coming up about about 10 to 3 look forward to that. Yeah I do know what I'm loving this this is my I just I just being in a room with him I just can't I want to squeeze his head all of a the time well if you're a fan if you're a fan if you're a fan if you're a fan of the the the th. th. th. I th. If you're a th. If you're a th. If you're a th. If you're a th. I th. I th. I th. I thi th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm thi thi. I'm to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm thi thi thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm the. I'm the. I'm the. I'm the. I'm that's that's that's that's that's that's thi. you're not watching Celebrity Love Island. I watched about 30 seconds of it and I hate them. Just desperate idiots and slappers. Actually angers me. I switched on Celebrity Love Island. The first thing I thought is, where's a tsunami when you need one? But, um, seriously, but there's a guy on there, Paul Dan's a guy on there, I think his name Paul D'Anne, ex of Hollyoaks, and he's an absolute joy, because like Carl, he's an absolute simpleton.

Oh really? It's fantastic. And he was talking about how he fancied to lady, Lady Isabella Harvey. And he said to, he said, um, thing is right, I really fancy her, because she don't like, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, thian, thian, because, thian, because, because, thi, because, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, because, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, because, like, like, because, because, because, because, like, like, like, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, th.. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to, like don't know the idea that he's attracted to someone for something they don't do. I know, yeah. I've never killed a kid. She never killed a kid. What about sleep around? That would be a good thing to be attractive to someone who's that are just honestly and

big brothers the same. Just a load of ropey old. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they. they. they. they. they. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. I th. I th. I they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're just like a horrible cellulite wobbly rice-assed fat-titted tarts and idiots and show-offs and are they they're all there they they all discussed me for a different reason I don't know which one to hate most and why they they they all give me a couple of reasons to hate them that they they all give me a couple of reasons to hate the most. Because I, absolutely. You know, I thought I was going to switch on and find that actually, you know, people like Abbey Titmus and Rebecca Looze had been misrepresented by the press. Oh, what, the one that wanked off in public? Oh yeah, go on. Yeah. Do you say, won't the, you know, want to, you know, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, you. Wank, you. Wank, you. Wank, you. I, the. Wank, you. Wank, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you. Wank, you. Wank, you. Wank, you. Wank, you. the, you. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the. Well, the. Well, the. Well, the. Well, the. I. I. I. I. I. I. I, the. I, the, the, the. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. th. th. th. You know, you know, you know, you. th. th. th. th. th. th. You. on Abbey Titmus don't even get me there's that don't I like the idea of her parents perhaps going to

you know some kind of you know someone's birthday whatever meeting meeting some old friends oh yeah oh yeah yeah how's young Abby is she still a nurse saving lives no she gets a tits out for a living now yeah yeah Rebecca look at Rebecca lose by her own admission I know if it's true, but she said she sleeps the married man, then sold her story through weapons, then wonked off a pog, right? That's a hell of a CV, isn't it? I'm looking forward to watching. That's amazing. I bet her nannes, I bet her, are they all, oh God, I'll just tune in to see.

It's almost like you tune in to see which one gets hurt. That's the thing, is it? Emotionally scarred. But maybe one of them would come through, we'll find out, we're always going to be, exactly, we're going to find out that one of them was like, for a little, you know, like the Jade Goodie Syndrome or something and oh God, they released an exercise video. Oh Carl, we've got to get in on this. Oh imagine Carl and Big Brother. That would be a joy. That would be amazing. But you turned on and you hated it, didn't you? Yeah, I gave it like three minutes and it's gone. There's always something better on though. You're there. You annoy me that. I know, I'd know I really did not watch any of celebrity

lover that was just too awful I think the celebrity is a worse than general public though to me because if they're so desperate they want nine little bites of the cherry and it's it's embarrassing it's embarrassing but at least these people you know they they think that they're gonna get out of their job they don't like maybe or you know it's sort of like I you they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're th th th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi they're thi they're they're they're they're they're going to get out of their job they don't like maybe or you know it's sort of like you know I give them their 15 minutes but it's oh god oh there's always something I mean when we were out the other night Steve right there's a program on about a spider that's a foot long and each chicken no one's talking about it I don't know what does that what do you mean I just I just I had to stand up because I th the they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're they're they they they're they're they're they they're they they're they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're tel tel took tell tell they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're'm sorry, I just thought I was going to explode. What do you mean there's a spider? It's a long-range chicken?

There's a program on about it about how there's this spider in the jungle or something. But I missed it because it was out but no one's talking about that in the papers. That's a worry. That's a worry. In case it makes a worry, that's a worry, the the the the worry, the the worry, the that's a worry, they. That's a worry, they. That's a worry, the the they. That's a worry, the the spider, the spider, the spider, the spider, th. That's a worry, th. That's a worry, th. That's a worry, the spider, th. That's a worry, the spider's a worry, the spider, the spider, the spider, the spider, the spider, the spider, the spider, the spider, the spider, the, the, the spider, the, the spider, the spider, the spider, the the the spider, the spider, the spider, the spider, the spider, the spider, the spider, the spider, the spider, the spider, the spider, the spider, the spider, the spider, the spider, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thoooooooooomater's that's thooooomongongue-noy-a, th. That's a worry, that it likes chicken there, Rick, you know, in like two years' place. Who knows what you might have. I know, it moves up the Eadolusly ladder, it's start like in Carl then humans. Yeah, exactly about the chicken bit, because I eat chicken, that isn't that shocking, but the fact it's a foot long. And no one's, it's just on, on a, it, it, it, it, it, it, it's a, it, it, it, it, it, it, they. It's a, it, tha, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thus, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it's a, it's a, it's a, to, to, it's a, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, to. It's, it's, to. It's, to. It's, to. It's, to, to, to, to. It's, to. It's, to. It's a, to. It's a lot, to. It's a lot, to. It's a lot, to. It's a lot, they. It's a lot, they. It's a lot, they. It's a lot, they. It's a lot, they. It's a lot, they. It's a lot, too, they. It's a lot, too, too, they. It's a lot, too, too, they. It's a lot, thethis? It's got its own PR? What do you want, what do you want the spider bee to be famous? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it going to be? Where is it going

to be? It's in a jungle. It's not going to... What do you mean? What do you mean if it's not going to be on a bus? There's waves and that, they're coming bananas and all that. So don't worry about it. So I'm not if you're going to be like that. Anyway, listen, we better line up Babushka. We better play that shortly because I know you need to analyze those lyrics. That's very important to you I know. We've still got that cork. Oh, cork on their head is going to really, we'll give it a fire in and really give it a firing sponsored by Linda Linda Linda Linda Linda Linda Linda Linda the Linda by Linda by refreshing song. It's an album called Rock Gods and that's with a Z. Right? And that's with a Z, right? And an umlout over the O. And the reason I played that is two-fold. One, it's one of the prizes we're giving away.

It's an album called Rock Gods. out over the O. And it's got it's got Kierstudus Priest, Steve and Darkness. I mean it really is good. It's all it's all your classic rock tracks. The other reason I want to play it is because I like that song and it's a great little upset with bubblegum pop song rock you know great but it's got one of the worst lyrics in it. He's you know, I tell her that I love her, but the point may be moot. Just, he doesn't use that in a rock song. The point may be moot. Well, I was listening to Christian O'Connor on the breakfast show when he had these

bouncy hunter thing running a couple weeks back. And I don't know what I'm, but he ended up with Brian, he ended up with Brian, he thinks Brian you know good nature whatever but you can't have a feel with Brian that he sort of he thinks that is Bruce Springsteen yeah something wrong I mean he's got the voice and the guitar he can play and everything but there was a lyric and he played it completely earnestly and it was a session and the lyric was something it was from his recent album and the lyric and the lyri. lyric was the lyric was the lyric was the lyric was the lyric. the lyric. the lyri. I I lyri. I lyri. I lyri. I lyri. I the lyri. I was the lyri. It was th. It was th. It was was th. It was along th. It was along I was along I was along I was along I'm I'm th. It was along. It was along. I was along. I was along. I was along I was along I was along I was along I was along I was along. I was along. I was along I was along I I I I I I I I I I I was along. I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I was I was I I I was I was I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm the lines of, I'm sat in my hotel room, there's a knock at the door and I get kind of nervous. I'm hoping it's you, it's just room service. Which is extraordinary.

But Christian came up with the best, they finished it, and obviously Christian was thinking, what would I say? And he came up with the best answer if you've had a session that you're not entirely convinced by. He just said quite simply, that sounded great. That's good. Which is amazing. Who are you complimenting there, the engineer? You know what I mean?

It's like the sound recordist. What does that mean? That sounded great. Yeah, good. We got some good mics. Yeah, good. weak. he bought the pub next door to him and close it down because they were noisy. I hope so. Yeah that's a good that's what money's for. That is what money's for isn't it? Absolutely right. That was the neighbors. That was his album wasn't it? I don't know if that

was before or after that whether it was related or not. But if you buy a house next to a pub, you know what you're going to get. Yeah. So move. than th th th th and rather rather rather th and rather th and rather rather th and rather th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. That th. That th. That that that that that that that that that that that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the the th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. thr-I. th. thr-I is we're talking to you we should give these answers to Rockbusters, it's the big quiz. And of course the winner this week goes forward to playing the grand final in six weeks time where they get to win all these amazing gifts. We've just signed Homer drawn especially for Carl by Matt Groening, Nigel, Nigra Tuffnell signed rare poster. They're amazing. Should we give away a sort of maybe a original print behind the scenes of extras? We got some amazing pictures filming extras. I was thinking the other day, you know like I'm how excited I am to be with Carlin let off corks on his head? Well our editor, long-staffing Edi Negeal, we worked with Ben Stiller, Kate Winslet and all these people for eight weeks, it was amazing. But my my my my my my the highlight, but my the highlight, but my highlight, but my highlight, the highlight, the highlight, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, I thi, I was th, I was th, I was thi, thi, I was th, tho, we're tho, we're thu, we're thu, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, th..... We're, thi, I, I, I, I, I thi, I thi, I thi, I's thi, I's thi, I's thi, I'll thi, thin, toge-nit, together, together, together, together, together, together, thin, thin, thin, thriolou-a, th amazing, but my highlight, I was that thought about it, and my highlight was dressing Nigel up, her editor, in a baby

grow. Sure. It was, I planned it, we got the, the department, the department hired it and we dressed, and it looked brilliant, didn't it, and it's just, it's, B.C. It looked brilliant, didn't pay for it the BBC pay for it so that is how your money is being spent people. But but it's available on the DVD again nothing's wasted. Which you have to buy for a 15 thing. Sure.

It's like it's the whole thing is one big reality game show isn't it? Oh. Anyway the answer is the clue. I haven't got an idea. Give me the clue then again. Right, well do you want to say the winner is or... No, let's hear the answer. First clue was if you get a bulb when it's young, you look after it and that, you teach it stuff. Yeah. What's going on there? The initial was R, right? That was that was razor light. All. Oh my, go on. People have a problem doing this when they get home from a night out drinking. Yeah. What's the problem they have a problem? They have a problem getting the key in? Getting the key in? That, keen, keen, keen. That's the... That's awful. That's awful. That's awful. That doesn't the count. It was Kee in k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k kian. It's the that's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their their th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's the the the the the the problem. It's the problem. It's the problem. It's the problem. It's the the the the the the the the the the the the their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's th. It's th. th. the. the. theat. theat. the. their. theat. the. the. the. the. It's the the the the th. It's, this one's awful, awful, awful, awful. I had a vision of that Chinese flu and that was the initial I was C, that was Cesar's, Cesar's, Cesar's, they managed to get that as well.

I love the fact that even he knows they managed to get that as well. Did anyone get all three? Yeah, a few people. That's terrible. I don't know what it says about XFM and its listeners that people are getting these answers. I know, go on in. I mean, horrific. But anyway, we're going to give it and he goes forward, as I say for the big prizes in six weeks' time.

It's Paul in Buckham. Well done. Paul Booker, but also he does get the complete caught smacking a bald man on the bombs really hard. XFO. London, it's your city. I know. It's your city. I don't know why Lin Dower is the sparkling line.

Hello. The studio is falling apart. I don't know why Lynn Dower is the sparkling line. XFO, 1.4.9 playing Green Day. The studio is falling apart. I know, his microphone broke. I don't know why Lindauer is the sparkling line. What would be associated with this shambles of a show? It is falling apart. This is awful. This studio has got to be fixed. Right now, Carl, come around here. It's the time we're gonna let a cork off. Do you want to film this, Steve. Thatthat be available on the website next week because of the race dot com so see Carl getting hit one bloke suggested we leave the metal cap on because it's get a better pitch

but we take the... Just get the camera ready? Get the camera ready. Ready? So if you just joined us and we are using some Lindauer's sparking wine to basically what can I say fire a cork at Carl's round, walkhead. Hang on a set, let me just put the headphones on. Right, film this then.

It's in position, look. Just fire in there. Okay, Carl, come on there so we can see your head a little bit. We want to get the noise, the microphone there, right? Ready? Good. So you just do it. Right. Hold on, now it's in position, what have you... Ready? Yep. Oh, got it. Oh! Oh! Oh!

It's like jackass. Did it hurt? What do you mean? Did it hear you? What did it? It went off course, did it? Just glanced did it? Just glanced at it.

Right, Lindow is you going to send us eight more bottles please? Yeah, we're going to get this right. Yeah, yeah. Oh, ho-ho! Home sick. Hicks, King's a Convenient. Beautiful. Yeah.

Well, that's nearly the end of our first of six shows, our summertime special. Some of the highlights Rick so far today, I don't know what you've made of it. We've started the ass. Fink the arse. Orientals don't age very well. A bit of racism. A bit of racism with the Germany's full of Kant. Yeah, that was a high-sweighing. That's nice. Cork. Cork. Cork. Cork. Cork. Cork. Cork. Cork. Cork. Cork. Cork. Cork. Cork. Cork. Cork. Cork. Cork. Cork. Cork. Cork. the the the the the their their their their their their their their their th. their their th. th. their their their their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. I th. I th. I th. I th. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I've. I've. R. I've. I've. R. F. I've. I've. I've. R. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. F. the the the the the the the the the electrical works. So good. Just to do the finale, it's monkey news, obviously. Well, I'm looking forward to it. Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news, yeah. There isn't. I've been away, haven't I?

Oh, there's been no monkey news. You can't get. No, no, but I haven't had a proper chance to sort of, you know. Carl your monkey news is of spurious towards from the 17th century sometimes so let's have one of those. Let's have a monkey that dressed as Zorro and they thought he was a woodsman but when they took his head off he was early he was a four-foot hairy chimp. Let's have one of those ridiculous stories. Well we've done that though but do you want to go back on some of the ones? Oh, for just what is the monkey news? There must have been some monkey news this week.

The only thing that sort of stood out, do you know like they're having problems... You're just making this up? Where's your information? Where's the piece of paper? Where's the document? What is this? But it's bad enough when he's reading it, he's, the, the, the, the, the, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the, th, th, th, the, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the, their, tho, their, tho, the, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th, th. th. th. th, th.. th, th, th...... th, th, th, th.. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thin, thi, thi, they. they. they. There, they. they. they. they. they. they's they. the. When he's just riffing, it's going to be absolute twaddle. Let's hear it out. Right. Do you know like they're having problems getting new people to be policemen?

Oh, fuck. Go on. They've, uh, in America, they're taking them on to, uh, sort of join the SWAT team. They've taken what on? Some little monkeys. Giving them walkie talkies and all that. Well they can't talk. They're just walkies. They're just giving them some walkies. What do you mean? What was... It's just being given commands and that and they... well so it's one way they tell them they've got the little things strapped them. They're good at like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like their their their they're they're they're they're to they're to to to they're just just just just just just they're just just just they're just they're just to they're just to they're just to to they're just to to to to to to to to to to to they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're to to to to to to to to their to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their to their to to their their to their to their their their their their their their thooooo. to tell them, they've got the little things strapped them. They're good at like getting into small, you know, small places and that and sort of, you know, cracking stuff and all that. Like I say, it's just half a story I just picked up on.

That's not a story! Well, what do you want? Monkey News! Well, I'll get some better stuff, th... th.... the this is the worst this is one of the worst shows we've ever done. And that's saying something Rick. This is done some tripe. This is nothing and to end with the police in America have given monkeys walkie talkies. That's nothing. That is a disgrace. And what do you mean that you've not had enough time to prepare? We've been off there for 18 months? Yeah. What, there's been no accumulated monkey news in that time? It's got to keep it fresh though, on it. Great one.