The Ringer NFL Show - Justin Jefferson’s Record Contract and a HOF Summer Mailbag

Episode Date: June 4, 2024

LIVE SHOW in Los Angeles on July 30: Click below for tickets! The guys start by sharing their instant reactions to Justin Jefferson’s massive contract extension with the Vikings and what it means for the rest of the market (oh, and they talk about that absurd Darren Waller music video, too) (2:35). Next, the guys open up the mailbag to respond to listener emails on Mike the Headless Chicken, animals serving in combat, Sour Patch Kids–flavored Oreos, “DK, tell us about the war grandpa,” and so much more (13:22). Tickets: https://www.theelrey.com/events/detail/564772 Check out our 2024 Ringer Fantasy Football Rankings here! Email us! [e-mail] The Ringer is committed to responsible gaming. Please visit www.rg-help.com to learn more about the resources and helplines available. Hosts: Danny Heifetz, Danny Kelly, and Craig Horlbeck Social: Kiera Givens and Jack Sanders Producer: Kai Grady Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

If you're a fan of the inner workings of Hollywood, then check out my podcast, The Town, on the Ringer Podcast Network. My name's Matt Bellany. I'm founding partner at Puck and the writer of the What I'm Hearing newsletter. And with my show, The Town, I bring you the inside conversation about money and power in Hollywood. Every week, we've got three short episodes featuring real Hollywood insiders to tell you what people in town are actually talking about. We'll cover everything from why your favorite show was canceled overnight, which streamer is on the brink of collapse, and which executives on the hot seat. Disney, Netflix, who's up, down, and who will never eat lunch in this town again? Follow the town on Spotify or wherever you get your podcast. Football show, my name is Danny Hyfons.

I am joined by Danny Kelly and Craig. We're back, baby. Craig is back from his vacation. And we have a fun show. We have a mailbag. There's some news. But first, live show, July 30th, Los Angeles. Tickets are at the ringer.com slash events.

Come hang. Buy those tickets. Craig, how much are they? Four installments? Four installments. I believe the price has now risen to about 500 in total. Still very affordable. Don't buy coffee for a month and you'll be able to attend this show.

Small sacrifice. It's like Target and all the retailers. It's like, you know, it's just stop buying the electrical. Like you see they were charging like $15 for shit. Now it's like three bucks. It's like boom. Just use the savings because eggs don't cost. Cancel one streaming service for six months and you'll be able to come.

Give us your peacock money. That's just do that. If you're not in on the bit, Craig is joking. It's like not. very much money. It's like $400. I believe the price is $30.00. The ringer.com slash events, baby, July 30th, Los Angeles come. It'll be fun.

Also, Craig's 30th birthday is three days later. So it'll be like half live show, half existential crisis. That's fake news. I'm actually not turning 30. Ever. I'm going to be 29 forever. Now we're going to die. Honey, nobody's 29. We have a mailbag. Thank you to everyone he emailed us at Rearinfantasyf Football.g.com.

Please continue to do so. one of the best we literally did a mailbag because I was going through it I thought we had the best stretch of emails I've like ever seen in my entire life well done so incredible work for everyone

if you did not get your email in today or a response from us I'm sorry there were a lot but also like I just we read incredible work from everyone emailed us we do have to hit some news there has been a lot of NFL news since we last saw each other

so we can run through this every receiver got paid Justin Jefferson Nico Collins Jalen Waddell Devante Smith, even Devante Park. Oh, no, he retired. Devante Parker did.

Sorry, Craig. But Justin Jefferson got, we just start there. Massive contract for Justin Jefferson, five-year deal $160, $160,000 or four years for $1.26, whatever you want to count, $35 million. D.K., any thoughts in Justin Jefferson getting this contract beyond? Nope, he's good. That's what it costs. Yeah, yeah.

That was my thought. All right, great. No, he's really good. He's one of the best non-corterback players in the NFL. Now he's being paid like that. So just kind of makes sense. I don't know. It is interesting how dramatically the receiver contracts have grown in the last like 10 years relative to almost every other position other than quarterback.

It's like quarterbacks and receivers. Their contracts are blowing up right now. Yeah, they're like the cost of like college or weddings or something. Yeah, it's funny. Houses. What's the guaranteed money? I mean, he's getting $35 million a year, but not really. What is he actually getting paid?

What's the guaranteed money Justin Jefferson is receiving? He's going to get $100 million over the next day. years. Like, that's going to, he's going to get $126 million over four years. That is the contract. Part of me is kind of like, man, that's a lot. It's like the NBA rights negotiations. I'm like, I'm like, that is a ton of money for somebody. I mean, like, when they had Kirk cousins and Justin Jefferson, like, they weren't that good. And now they have JJ McCarthy and Justin Jefferson making $100 million guaranteed. And I'm like, I get that you don't want to lose him. But maybe I'm kind of just thinking like when you, you need to pay a receiver

during the perfect window when you think your team is the best shot of winning. Otherwise, this is just a really expensive great player on a team that is not going to make the playoffs. So for context, and again, to some degree, a lot of the money is like it's a percentage of revenue and the NFL keeps making more money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why the contracts go up, it's because the NFL makes more money.

I will say two things, though, to your point, Craig. One, Devante Smith for the Eagles, also at a contract extension. The Eagles crushed this. Devante Smith will make less money in the first four years of his deal than Justin Jefferson will make in the first two years. So Devonte Smith basically is making half.

Also, Andrew Brandt, who was the former finance guy for the Green Bay Packers pointed out, Justin Jefferson's going to make $35 million a year. DK, the Packers, 10 receivers will make a combined $12 million this year. Yeah, that's nice. I mean, this is, well, that's because they did a really good job of drafting receivers. I always look at this like, Craig, first of all, I understand where you're coming from, but like what is the best thing you can get for a young quarterback?

It's like an elite difference-making receiver. So this, like, makes all the sense in the world to me. They had to keep him. Yeah, I mean, look, I agree. I would have done this if I am the Vikings GM. Like, I think this is the right move. But you are a little bit, it's like the Jalen Brown contract for the Celtics where you're like, you kind of have to do it, but it's still so much money that you feel a little bad still.

That's how I feel about like Jalen Waddle with Jalen Brown, where it's like the Justice Jefferson is Luca. Like he's one of the best players in the NBA. And I look at maybe you're saying because he's a receiver, but I look at like the Dolphins giving Jailin Waddle like three years from 90 million. And I'm like, that's Jailen Brown. I'm the best receiver in his own team. like Tyree Kill needs more money now that I think with Jefferson though to your point Craig

and someone I forget who pointed this out but Justin Jefferson's averaging 98 yards per game which if he retired right now would literally be the highest mark of all time ever in a career wild but the flip side is uh Austin Gale pointed this out to me that Justin Jefferson is really important to me that or him that he wanted to be the highest paid non-quarterback to which I then realized to just blatantly steal from Bill Simmons like what's the non-quarterback belt like that should be a thing, like, who's the best non-quarterback in the league? Aaron Donald's had that for like seven years in a row. Like, who's the best, forget money?

Like, who's the best non-quarterback football player? It's been Aaron Donald. And now that he's out of the league, is Justin Jefferson the best non-quarterback? Because he wasn't comparing himself to other receivers. Justin Jefferson wanted to beat Nick Bosa as the highest-paid non-quarterback. I'm curious, D.K., who you think the best non-quarterback is in the NFL? If you had to start a franchise and you have first pick in the draft and you can't

draft a quarterback, who are you taking? I mean, that is like the most impossible question to answer. I think Justin Jefferson, just to skirt the question a little bit, is like certainly in that discussion. I think you have to talk about some of the best pass rushers in the NFL, of course. You have to talk about some of the best left tackles in the NFL. That's boring. Line play, trenches.

You know what I mean? Like receivers are sexy. They make big plays. They score touchdowns. So I don't know. I'm saying Justin Jefferson is certainly in that conversation. Just, you know, pound for pound best player. I think he certainly deserves me in that conversation.

It would be a very, it would be a fun exercise. Devante Smith, that guy was. Did you see, there was a lot of reports about, like, oh, last year, the Vikings offered him $28 million a year. He said no, and he bet on himself. And now he's making $35 million a year. I love that phrase, bet on yourself. Does that just mean he, like, didn't tear his Achilles? What does that mean?

Because he actually got hurt last year, and he missed seven games. And I don't really know what that means. He bet on himself and won. I'm like, so he just, like, stayed alive? I don't understand what he did last year. Do you remember that thing about Joe Biden in the 2020 election? They just need his corporeal body. Yeah.

It's just like you just need Justin's body. Like I know, I think he's like the only player to have over a thousand yards while playing like less than half of a season or something crazy. So you're still amazing last year. But I love the, because usually when they say bet on yourself, the fear is like don't get hurt,

but he did get hurt and still got way more money. So I don't know. Funny. Yeah, it's like Dak Prescott got better itself and then like his ankle came apart. Yeah. in the field. And then he still got paid anyway. I'm like, I don't know.

I'm like, all, cool, sure. But yeah, that all these other, all the receivers got paid basically. Nico Collins got a four-year deal for like $75 million. Tyree Kill,

I think is probably definitely, I actually kind of think Tyree Kill in Justin Jefferson or the tier. I almost think Tyree Kill might be better per game. Obviously, Justin Jefferson's like five years younger. That's actually, I think this is an interesting component to the, to the Justin Jefferson contract story is like what happens now with Tyree Kill? because he said famously a couple of years ago, I want to say, like, once his contract is up, he's retiring.

He said that. And so that. So did Floyd Mayweather for like 11 fights in a row. Right. That was what I was getting to. I'm like, I don't actually think he's going to retire. Like, I think he's going to get paid, like a ludicrous amount of money. So anyways, I think that's another interesting dominole that will fall eventually.

Did you guys see that? Did you guys see that? Did you guys see that? What did you think of their new uni? Uh, they're okay. I think all these jerseys are becoming too, like, sleek and modern, and they're, like, losing character. I just, I don't know why the uniform thing is so hard. Just make cool uniforms.

I agree. It's because all the colors are, like, trademarked. It's ridiculous. You know what Netflix is like, we're going to start making good movies? It's like, just like, make better uniforms. I don't really understand. Houston's, like, almost like a navy blue. I like that.

I think it looks good. If we've failed on one thing, we have not talked enough about how the MLB, the players, pants don't fit. Yeah. Like, that their pants don't, like, you can see through their pants and the pants rip, which are like the only two things you need in a pants. Like, none of these beautiful companies can make uniforms. I kind of feel like a receiver choosing a lower number is like their version of like

when an actor is getting older and they start to get like fillers and like a face slip. Like if you're like 85 and you switch to like number one, it's like clearly a cry for help because you're turning 30. I'm not fast. I'm not fast anymore, but it's going to make me look faster. Yeah. It's like they're choosing a number in the teens because they want to be a team. Yeah.

That's good. Guys, news just happened as we're talking. Christian McCaffrey resets the running back market, two-year extension with 49ers, 19 million per year, according to Adam Schaefter. So there's that. So like almost like a little more than half of what Justin Jefferson makes. So Nico Collins. Yeah, he gets Nico Collins.

I always said it sucks to be a running back. Yeah. It's crazy that the Eagles signed Sequin Barkley for less than Gabe Davis got. And then have Donald Smith rock down for half of what Justin Jefferson went for. So, yeah, yeah, there you go. Christian McAfeeffe, for Nicolaughan. Good for Christian. Did you guys see the Darren Waller music video?

Ugh, brutal. Hyfitz, as a Giants fan, did you want him to retire after seeing that video? I genuinely feel so bad for this guy. Did you guys watch the whole thing? Yeah, and he gets stabbed in the back. Yeah. You don't know we're talking about one, God bless you. It's shived.

He literally just made him. music video where he hired a woman to play the act like act as if they were Kelsey Plum, his ex-wife, the WBA player. And she literally at the end of the music video, like, it's about their divorce. And he literally at the end, she stabs him in the back and he dies with the crashing on the way. He likes on the inception. On the beach.

But the funny part is is when he's lying. So when he's lying on the shore dead, the water is rushing up to his face. And his, well, his eyes are open. He's literally washed. And like the water is hitting him in the face. and his face is reacting to the water, even though he's supposed to be dead. Dude, I think what I feel bad for is

there's nobody in Darren Waller's life who told him that that was bad. This is the problem with most people who are at a certain level of fame is there's just all yes men around them. I just, that's sad. I thought the production value of the video was pretty good, all things considered.

Was it? So I clearly paid for it. Just saying it was like, it was like better than like a home movie. It was, it was like he got a kid at the local film school to do it and it looks fine. I literally tweeted out when I saw it. Okay, take it back. I was like, please can something happen to get this out of the news? And then the bears were announced on hard docs.

And I was like, yes, thank you. Anything you get this out of the news? And then Trump was convicted on all counts. And I was like, okay, I think this is going to be out of the news. Darren Waller is safe. That's the best time to release a really embarrassing music. Yeah, he news dumps his own music video. Didn't he release a follow-up response, like a rap when people were reporting that he was going to retire?

Or was that old? Yeah, he was wrapping off like his note pad. Yeah, he was reading it. It looked like the Sarah Marshall Villa in Hawaii. I feel like reading off a page as you rap just does not look cool. It's an ick. It's like when rappers will do a verse or a freestyle, but it's like they're reading off their phone. Yeah, you can't do that.

You need to remember those lines, my man. I think it's a really good point. He's both like washed and down bad. It's pretty sad. I had no idea that Darren Waller was, you know, such a performer. Yeah.

Now you know. All right, you guys want to do a mailbag? Yeah. Let's do it. I should wait for a mailbag. We got the number one thing we got mailed back. D.K. America's favorite segment.

Tell us about the war, Grandpa. Oh, no, no, no, no. The panda watch. The pandas are coming back. The pandas left the zoo in D.C. And then China is sending more pandas later this year. So we're getting pandas back. This is the Bader Mejof effect,

which we've talked about many times on the show. Basically, like once you say something, then it happens in the real life. You keep hearing about it more. I feel like this happens with everything our show talks about. We do panda watch it immediately. Panda diplomacy is back, baby. I don't know.

It's kind of weird. I feel like we have to start. world politics. Yeah, they're going to start cutting the heads off chickens again now. I'm trying to see if they can survive. Oh my God. Just keep your eye out for a headless, alive chicken. Okay, on that note.

You want an update on that? Yeah, yeah. All right, we got an update. What happens most? So first of all, Craig, can you please enlighten everyone if they don't know what we're talking about? There was a chicken in the 40s or the 50s whose head was cut off and he survived for 18 months after the decapitation,

and he was then toured around the country as this, you know, freak show act, and he eventually died. I think it was actually like 22 months after his decapitation. He died by choking on a colonel. Because his owners...

His name was Mike. His name was Mike, the headless chicken. His owners would feed him out of it like a dropper. And for some reason, I guess there was a day where they didn't have the dropper.

And so they tried to just toss food down his neck and he choked them. Oh my God. Stepping a corpse. curl in his neck. Oh, poor chicken. I like Craig, by the way,

I re-listened to the segment we were talking about Mike and you were like worried about talking about how Mike died. Like it was like really offensive. Well, like too soon? We're talking about Mike's death.

His family might be listening. So he's like, it's a chicken. Come on. A chicken from the 40s. We're fine. So we got an email from Terrence.

Terrence. fellas. I live in Fruta, Colorado, home of the fabled Mike, the Headless Chicken. Oh, wow. Mike's hometown. Every year, the whole town gets up for a festival themed after Mike. Wow.

Small towns, small towns are the best. Dude, there's a chicken wing eating contest. There's peep eating contest for the kids. There's a 5K race. There's a car show. Everything else you'd expect in a small town, rural Colorado. Mike, the Headless Chicken. festival.

Dude, don't you? I feel like the perfect, the perfect event every year should be they bring in like 20 chickens and they get 20 people try to decapitate them and keep them alive. That's a good idea. So I don't know if you, now guess when this festival was. You mean when it began? No, it was this fucking weekend. What the fuck?

We're recording this on Tuesday. It was this fucking weekend. Bader Mineshaus. The last weekend of May. So wait, and the chicken the chicken thing happened organically because we were talking about fucking carrier pigeons. Yes. Unrelatedly. Completely unrelated.

We had no idea this exists. Also, first of all, you need to go to this website. So wait, here, I'm sending you the website right now. Did Mike the Headless Chicken website? Just Google Mike the Headless Chicken Festival. You have to see this website. Are you sending it to us or are we Googling it? I was going to, but you could go to Mike theheadlesschicken.org slash Mike.

dot org. It's Mike the headless chicken. Mike theheadless chicken. gov. And it's like a whole like, and they literally had a countdown

and everything. Vendor info. Wow. So I went back to Mytheadless chicken. org is a real thing. If you'll notice there's merch.

No. We got to figure out of way to make money off this. They don't sell it online. They don't sell it online. only but it's like at the event. We need to get Terry to send us some merch. I agree. That's why I did. You, you did?

Fucking Terry. What? Mailed us. Shout out Terry, Benz. Terrence, listen to her whole thing. Hell yeah. I venmoed him. Shout out Terrence who offered to go to the Mike the Headless chicken festival. Oh my God. And he fucking got us three shirts. No, fuck yes. way. All right. If you come to our,

if you come to our LA show, we're wearing this shit. Should we fly Terrence out to our L.A. show? Oh my goodness. If you can't see this, this is literally, it is a, it's a chicken wearing an astronaut thing

and there's no head in that, a chicken wearing an astronaut thing. You mean a, why? Why does it say space cowboy? I'm not an artist. I don't know. But Terrence literally got us

the chicken shirts. Oh. Oh my goodness. That's amazing. You were really on it because you must have messaged him in advance of the festival. He had to buy them. I can't even say, I can't believe he got us to them before this recording. Literally it says fruit of Colorado on it too.

Oh, yeah. Terrence, welcome to the listener hall. Hell yes. Hell yes. Oh, that's really actually, Hyvids, we should just have a listener hall of fame. We should publicly. That's a great one. A listener.

What's the mountain again? Rushmore, Mount Rushmore. Mount Rushmore of listeners. Yeah. Terrence. And we take people off too. So that was an incredible update. Shout out Terrence forever.

So I mean, who knows what we're going to wear? I don't know what the sponsorship situation is going to be at our show, our L.A. show in July 30th. But if we don't have to wear any clothes that are sponsor related, we are wearing those shirts. We got to wear these shirts. We got to wear the mic that has the chicken shirts. And yeah. But to your point. So we have other emails too.

And to your point, the whole thing was downstream of the carrier pitching conversations. which again, apparently there was pigeons awarded the Medal of Honor. I love that. I love the idea that they're serving. They're serving in the military. D.K. on the last episode, asking, do pigeons have honor?

So, you got an email from Michael. Mike. You guys once again invented something that's already been invented. When you guys were talking about Commando, the honorable war pigeon, Craig says this is an anime movie waiting to happen. And you guys all agreed. Well, there's a 2005 Disney animated movie

called Valiant and it's about pigeons that served during World War II. U.N. McGregor. You and McGregor? This is the main character. So Obie fucking Juan Canobi is a pigeon fighting Nazi Paragrin Falcons. Wow. So pigeons don't have honor, but they are Valiant. I. Well, Ricky Jervais, Hugh Lorry, there's some people. Ricky Jervais? Yeah. Amazing. Bad break for the Paragon Falcons being the opposite. Dude, we got to watch.

We got to watch this movie. This movie made $60 million. Should we do a rewatch? Do a rewatchable. Just a watchable. I want to hear, I want to hear, like, Chris Ryan talk about carrier pigeons badly. Did you get Chris on the show. Seriously.

This movie is based on, is inspired by true stories of hundreds of pigeons that help the soldiers in the war. I love it. So we also got another incredible email on the same subject from Miguel and Jesse. Shout up Miguel and Jesse. Miguel. Jesse. Jesse.

All right. They wrote, loved the segment about Commando, the kick-ass war hero pigeon. In case you want to add to the list of animal war heroes, let me draw your attention to WojTek. WojTek was a bear. WojTek adopted a bear adopted.

a bear adopted as a cub and then raised by Polish soldiers during World War II. Oh, hell yes. The bear officially enlisted in the Polish army. Like it's like signed up. Went down to the recruitment station. Yep. Wojhtek, the bear, started at the rank of private, but Wojtchtec was later promoted to corporal. Very good leadership qualities.

A bear. A bear. A bear was a corporal in the Polish army. Wochtec accompanied the 22nd artillery company of the Polish army from the spring of 1942 onward including during the famous battle of Montecasino in Italy in 1944 legend has it that Wochek mimicked his human pals like to smoke cigarettes

have coffee in the mornings and drink beer liked to have coffee in the morning just lighten up darts ripping things in the fucking trenches Imagine showing up on the battlefield And you get lined up with a fucking bear You're like looking

You're like looking through the binoculars And you just see a bear smoking a heater You're like oh God We're fucked What What the fuck is going on here It's like you know the guy looking down the scope And he sees the other guy with the scope

Yeah yeah But it's a bear with a SIG And then boom That's the last thing you say I love that My favorite One of my favorite things, I think it's so funny, is, like, people smoking cigarettes with no hands and, like, doing other things. You know what to be?

Yes. Like in old school, the Iron Cross, he's just smoking a cig. Man, so what did they? So I just want to picture this bear smoking a cigarette and doing things in the army. What were, what did he, like, what was his role? Did they force the bear to become addicted to cigarettes? No, it's just to take the edge off, Craig, you know? And the bear lived to be 21 years old.

died in the 60s. I went to the Edinburgh Zoo. But like what were the... So first of all, what was the job? Because everybody has a job in the military.

No, that's his... That's his red. He's heading on Wikipedia under Corporal Wochek. Tell me what they asked him to do. Was he just there as like a mascot or was he like running missions

and things? Did he have a gun? Did they give him a gun? Honestly, at this point, maybe he did he. He's smoking cigarettes. He enjoyed wrestling with the soldiers, was taught to salute when greeted.

This seems like if you're the commanding officer of the bear platoon, you're like, this is kind of a pain in the ass. This guy eats more than everyone combined in our unit. We had to fucking train him. Go to the Wikipedia. It's a pitcher WojTech play wrestling with a Polish soldier. Be good for morale, though. he initially had problems swallowing

and Wojtek was fed condensed milk from an old vodka bottle Jesus I'm gonna look this up Shout out Wojtekk We should go to the Wojtek festival W-T-E-K W-T-E-K Woj-Tek the bear I'm sure there's a festival somewhere for him

I think a bear being promoted to corporal is the funniest sentence I've ever heard He lived out the rest of his life at the Edinburgh Zoo in Scotland Wow Can you imagine going back? back to his zoo. He's like, I'm a fucking veteran. This is like, Craig, when you said last time, be like, the commando enjoyed quite a bit of fame after the war. I'm like,

yeah, he enjoyed it? Like, a lot of, he's just a vain bear. Yeah, being famous is the best. Cigarettes, smoking, beer, drinking World War II hero. There's a headline in Time magazine. Oh, my God. All right. No, I'm just stuck. Oh, my God. You ever seen the dogs that the Russians flew, the Cosmonaut dogs that they flew into space? Sorry, I was still reading about Corporal Wojtchtec.

What did you say? Say it again. Dogs that the Russians flew, the cosmonaut dogs that they flew into space. We don't have time for this. He was an ammunition carrier. So he would convey ammunition by carrying a hundred pound crates of artillery shells, never dropping any of them. That's a lot of trust they're putting in Lodgetek. That just sounds really helpful.

Carry around a bunch of explosives. Oh, this should be the sequel to Cocaine Bear. He carried boxes that normally required four men. So he actually was very useful. Wait, there's your movie idea. He's the Cocaine Bear prequel. It's like War Bear. Yeah, War Bear.

There's War Bear. Ripon Sigs. It says the Polish soldiers on their way from the Soviet Union to Iran encountered a young Iranian boy who had found a bear cub whose mother had been shot by hunters. One of the civilian refugees in their midst, an 18-year-old, was very taken by the cub and then it kind of joined the group he would expect the next three months

people were built deaf back then Dimitri Suas Lugo one of the soldiers who took care of the bear once wrote he would accept lit cigarettes take a puff and then swallow them Jesus that's intimidation factor means happy warrior I love this

oh my God All right. Well, you go, WojTech. All right. Okay. Hey, we should make an animated movie about this, guys. Yes. Who's going to play WojTech, Craig?

Probably a fucking bear. No, I mean, like the voice. It's animated, you idiot. Well, the cocaine bear didn't have a voice. It was just a fake bear. That's like what I told Craig last week. I was like, yeah, Jackie was named after one of Charlie's Angels. And Craig was like, which one?

Jackie. Jackie. God, this is a great story. There's a lot here, Craig. Oh, my God. I'm really fascinated about these animals who have kind of... Please email us to some incredible feet. Ring your fantasy football at Gmail.

If you got any more bears who served in combat? Served. Cosmonaut. Yeah, any animals have served. They're doing it for their country. And yeah, it's spent the dogs who went to space. Anything. We'll take anything. And so this bear just drank condensed milk, coffee, and cigarettes. We won the war.

Beat the Nazis. And we won the war. It's like the L.A. diet. Were they feeding the bear like meat, human meat, animal meat? Were they hunting for the bear? No, maybe they fed the bear. Yeah. Just milk.

Just content. Just vodka and milk sakes. Got a lot of emails, a ton of emails about partners tracking you on find my friends. This was a good story. My friends were talking about this over the weekend, actually. You guys with your voyeuristic partners, just want to watch where you're going at all. times. Well, they care for us. They want to make sure we say. Is that it?

We were talking about how, like, when I had to go propose and stuff, like you're getting the, like your partners track, you and find my friends on the iPhone. So, email from Garrett. Garrett. I got engaged in mid-March. And I fought the same battle. Yeah, congratulations. I fought the same battle of should I turn on my location off and have to explain or just hope that she doesn't check the location

while I'm at the jeweler. I made it all the way to the day the engagement without turning my location off. It was Saturday. I was supposed to go into work for a morning meeting. Mind you, my office is an hour from my house. The meeting gets canceled last minute. But if I told my girlfriend my meeting was canceled, she would have just wanted to come over to my house,

which was already decorated with engagement balloons and signs and stuff. So I drove an hour to my office, sat in the parking lot and watched college basketball conference championship week for two hours in my car. Respect that. Then drove back, one hour back to the restaurant we were supposed to have lunch at. afterwards she told me she never looked at my location that day. You can't risk it though.

You can't risk it, Garrett. Oh my God. Which is to say, D.K., the game has changed, dude. Dude, seriously. This is like how people used to try and get away with murder. Now it's like for having sex. This is why like every movie being made now is just, you know, depicting the 90s or the 80s or the early 2000s.

Nobody can make movies set in the modern day because phones ruin everything. I have a question. Based on all this, the surveillance state, big brother, all that stuff. Do you think there's a chance that like the new generation will just stop using cell phones? No.

No. But not even a little. I think that there will be some kind of backlash to like the way that we're online and stuff. But to the locations sharing specifically, because D.K., this is a real divide. I think people your age probably don't do this as much. Maybe with your kids.

Well, we do. We have like, I'll track Skippy and I track some of my friends, but I look at it like once a month. I'm not like looking at it every. day or all the time. I'm like, if Skippy is late coming home, I can just look at where she is or something and like, oh, okay, she's on the road. And we got an email from Christian who said, you people are crazy. Do you really constantly share your location with your partner? This would drive me nuts. I live in Germany. We have obsession with data protection and privacy and location

show. It's not the norm. And I was thinking, I think this actually started with it rolled out. I think it's actually more strong in women. And I think that women in college when they go away. Yeah. And then like women who are like young adults and cities, start like friend groups, it's more normal to track each other's location after like a date, you know, you're going out

some random fucking guy from Hinge, like you don't know what the deal is. So I think it's way more normal for women to track their friends coming home from a night, especially on weekends. And then once you're in a relationship,

they're like, oh yeah, I'll track you. And the men are like, you know, just oblivious lot of dolly doll. Like, I don't fucking track my friends

to make sure they get up. I don't care if my friend Kyle's going to get home safe. Like he's fine. And so maybe that makes me a terrible person. So, do you say no? And then they're like, Okay, well.

Yeah, I mean, look, the only person that I share my location with and track is my wife. I don't have my friend's locations or anything like that. It's just like if she's driving to Orange County, and driving home at 9pm, I will periodically check in. And just like, I don't know, make sure. But like every day, if she's like at a friend's house, I'm not like monitoring her location. Dude, it's wild. When you guys are telling those stories, I was just like, man, times have changed so much from my, like, from when I was growing up. era. People, you didn't, like, parents would not know where their kids were for like nine hours in a row, like in the afternoon and evening.

You know, and just like, does that change? I think that's the wildest thing that like it was just for like. We had that a little bit, though. Hi, Fitz. When you and I were kids, like when I was nine years old, running around on the street with like my friends during the summer, my parents didn't know where I was. Right. I didn't have a cell phone when I was nine. This is, yeah, I, I just feel like it's different now. Well, parents are parents are more careful now for sure, I feel like. Yeah. Definitely. But my mom would just call the home phone of whoever's house I was at and then talk to the mom of the friend I was with. Oh, my. I was in a bar the other day and someone called,

it was sitting like at the bar. Someone called the bar. The bar was so jarred by a landmine ring. Yeah. And the bartender was like, like clearly hated picking up the phone. And I looked at my friend and I was like, is it fucked up that I kind of want to pick up that phone?

Like it's a joke. And the bartender's eyes lit up. He's like, oh my God, do you want to answer it? And I'm like, and he picks up the thing and reaches the cord like 30 feet underneath the bar tap and hands it to me. And I literally took the call. What did you say? How did you answer? I was like, Stonies, this is Danny speaking.

How may I help you? What if it was someone that listened to our podcast, how fucking bizarre would that be? Definitely not. What did he yell? What's your favorite color? Yellow. What's your favorite? What were they calling about?

Are you open when they closed to see if they could order? Here's a question I have for you guys. Since talking on the phone, I feel like is not really that much of a thing anymore for anybody. I mean, I feel like there's certainly, High Fitz likes to talk on the phone more than most people. How do you answer the phone? Do you say hello? Well, you know who's answered, but you know who's calling. Right.

That's what I'm saying. I always, I'm still just saying hello. That's kind of funny, don't you think? Hello? Hello? I call you like, hello? That's yes. You know what drives me absolutely nuts?

I despise when a company does not have a human being on the other end of the phone. Oh, 100%. They don't even have fucking phone numbers anymore. I was trying to call Costco the other day. I'm like, there's no phone number to call. Dude, you know what it's like? Because this is, all right, you know, it's kind of like those like ads or scam emails or whatever. And you're like, who's this for it.

But it's like for like older people who don't get the internet. And that's why they keep sending to, like the fake texts. And like the call centers now work that way where they have like a robot. voice and they're like, oh, let me help you with that with the fake typing sounds. And it's to like convince older people that they're real people. And I'm like, we know they're fake, but I'm like people think those are real people.

Dude, like a month ago, it was like a Saturday and we were all scrambling trying to find a place to go to dinner because we didn't make a reservation. And we were driving around, looking up restaurants on our phone. And I wanted to call to ask, hey, what's your wait time for four if we just walked in right now? Half these fucking restaurants literally don't

have people that you can talk to. It is just an automated response telling you to go to their website or to go to like resi or something to try to make a reservation. You physically cannot talk to somebody who works at the restaurant. I did this the other day. I was trying to book a reservation. And you know the policies now because it's so easy to book that they make you cancel it ahead of time or like unless you get, if you don't cancel it early enough, you get charged,

like a lot of money. Which, rightfully so, because like, you know, otherwise people would be booking reservations not show up. I'm looking at reservations and I'm trying to book one for tomorrow and I book one for today by accident. but it's like six o'clock you can't cancel so it's like

so I can't cancel so I'm like oh shit I'm gonna pay like I have to pay like eight because it's like six people so I have to pay like a hundred bucks if I don't show up so I call the restaurant and I can't get them on the phone

I had to walk to the restaurant yeah you had to walk physically to the rest of I had to explain to someone in person because I was like they were gonna try out anyway this surprised me so much of like how all the internet

streaming services are just turning back into cable Like in our efforts to like make things more convenient We inevitably end up making it way more complicated than it needs to be And then we end up just what we're just going to end up back with phones again Like we're going to have to talk to people again I just love that these businesses are like customer service I actually think we're just going to stop

We'll just stop back While we're talking about business is making things more complicated Okay My sister-in-law Lauren bought me the sour patch Oreos Oh Nice And I got them right here Boys

Wait, did you just Show me a picture of these sour What is it? What is the actual cookie? So the sour patch Oreos Right. I want to see the actual cookie. It looks just like white cream with a tan cookie. So it looks like Specks of stuff in it.

So I'm not going to lie. Let me focus it on here. I'm not going to lie when you first bite in it, it tastes how it looks, which is a vanilla Oreo with a spicy funfetti. Okay.

But I have to admit, the longer you chew on it, It becomes way more sour patchy with or, like, it actually... Sour patchy. In a really, fuck, I feel like it's like kinky. Like, I don't like to admit that I'm into this, but I'm pretty into it. Dude, all this shit is working so well for Oreo. So it goes from sweet to sour, which is the opposite of how they advertise Sour Patch kids, right?

They say first they're sour, then they're sweet, but this is the opposite. Yes. Mm. It's pretty good. These little freaks. I don't know what these guys are up to. how many of you had well

would they work in milk who's counting Craig would they be good at milk or no my brother milk yeah is anything natural in here they'd be good with soda like a big gold

milk out of a vodka bottle like wodgetek the bear I'm saying would they taste good if you dip them in milk that's what I'm asking no I'm lactose no I should I do have yeah I should try

I didn't even think of that honestly because they're so fucking weird no my brother I played golf and he brought them, like, as a joke, we're like, every time we get a par, we're going to have the Oreos. And then we went, like,

we had a seven whole stretch without any bars, but. So your new, your birdie juice is now the sour patch orios. Oh, good for you. We should bring, I want to bring Oreos to the live show too. We have a lot of work to do for this live show. I want to throw out different flavors of Oreos. Too many bits. Like it's candy at Halloween.

In July 30th, L.A., the ringer.com slash events, baby. I want, I want to bring Pop Tarts. I would love it. of Oreo sponsored this podcast in general. Presenting sponsor, Oreo. Come on in. Oh, my God. I'd be so fucking thrilled. Tell us what flavor you are.

Ooh. Oh, that's kind of good. All right, also, so speaking, we talked about the listener hall of fame earlier. We, which we kind of decided how to exist when guys started getting vasectomies and told us they were listening to our show during their vasectomy. Yeah, we got a photo,

I believe. That's pretty intimate. It's really intimate relationship with that person now. It's wild. I want to go deeper. We said anyone anyone who emails us losing your virginity to the Ringer Fantasy Football Show

First time you masturbate Ringer Fantasy Football Show. Oh goodness. That one I don't want. That was too much. I don't want that one. Sorry. Just any time you masturbate.

Late masturbation. We'll talk about that. What is that? happened. I don't know. Sorry. Too far. Too far. What's the email now? What are you? Yeah. Bring your fantasy. Don't sign those.

I've never made you guys more uncomfortable. I think that's truly the worst that we've seen. It's all right. It's a great test on the show for when me, like when I'm speechless, something happened. Anyway, we ask people, if you get a vasectomy and listen to our show, please let us know what will doctor you the last round fame. So this one's for Andrew. Two-Partar email. Andy. Andy. Two-parter. Okay. scheduled for a vasectomy.

It was May 21st. I will report back and I'll certainly listen to the show during the procedure. I will certainly listen. Doc said it'll be local anesthetic and I'll be awake the entire time, which I'm not thrilled about. Entire procedure takes about a half hour. He replies on May 22nd. But no, sorry, on May 21st, Day of the Vesecta.

Tried to listen to the show during my vasectomy today. I was unsuccessful even getting my phone in the operating room. The exact quote when I asked was, sir, it's an operating room. You can't have your phone in there. Wow. Hard asses. But we know that that's not always true

because somebody else literally sent us a photo during the procedure. Yeah, so what are the rules? They sent us a photo? Could they have left the phone outside the room just kind of Bluetooth into the AirPods? Oh, that's smart. If you don't let a phone in,

are you going to let Bluetooth AirPods in? Yeah, you can't Bluetooth. You know, you know, especially when, you're so exposed. You know, you know what the Bluetooth's going to do. Yeah. We can't let the blue tooth An operating room you can't have your phone in there. Wow.

Hard asses. I don't love that. We used to be a country. Yeah. We got surgeons who listen to our show during surgery. Yeah. What are we talking about here? Yeah.

You know what's so funny is someone's like, yeah, there's probably like a doctor doing of a septimie. Listen to us right now. I'm like, you can have your phone. All right. We also got an email about fucking your cousins. Okay. What was this again?

was this like a Teddy Roosevelt thing? FDR married Eleanor Roosevelt, who's his cousin. I think I've been inadvertently defending kissing cousins. Well, I said she said he's fifth cousin and you're like, that's fine. That's fine. That's like a small cousin once removed. Fifth cousin once removed doesn't mean, no, removed sounds distant. Removed means she's older or younger.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's like weirder. Is it? Depending on how old you are. Yeah, she's not even your generation of cousin. She's a younger generation of cousin. Oh, it's like the Decaprio thing. Okay.

Yeah. So, anyway. Got an email about this from John. And also, we're not judging people who have sex with their cousins. Like, this is a safe space for this conversation. I've already defended the cousins. Yeah, DK is pro. Yeah.

So. Anyway, John from Iceland. John A. From Iceland. John. John says apparently, actually, that's not sure he went to Iceland, but whatever. He's not Icelandic. Okay.

Been to Iceland. Apparently, How to layover in Iceland once. Go to the airport. Iceland is so interconnected with historical family trees that they had to develop an app to help people not accidentally

Oh, I've heard about this. Yes. And the app is called Iceland Dinga, Eastland Dinger, and tracks family trees back to the 11th century. Oh, wow. They're going that far back.

It means the book of music players. Again, not to defend kissing cousins, but that seems excessive. We're all related. when you go back to the 11th century. All right. So, so basically it's like,

imagine like you're about to hook up with a random person and you pull up this app and you're like, wait, let's just check how removed our cousin this is. But that's what it's for.

I mean, that is, that's useful. I mean, think about it. You're on an island. That makes sense. I wonder if that, that app creates lifelong family friendships

where you find out, oh my God. We're second cousins. And then you now have a new family member. Imagine checking it after, though. God. Or John Snow's, situation. Oh, God. Yeah.

That's tough. So I tried to download it. It's the only thing in Iceland? I have to imagine that there are other places where this would be necessary. I was going to say, I don't know, the app should expand. I couldn't get it. Maybe I'm just technologically illiterate. I couldn't get it here in America, but maybe I'm just dumb. But I think we should just have this

more. It should be a feature of Hinch. I love the idea of Jackie finding you in your room at night trying to download like Icelandic cousin Hinge. What are you doing? Nothing? Trying to not meet my cousins.

It's for the show. It's for work. Yeah, it's for work. Oh, we'll get to that later. All right, now America's favorite segment. Tell us about the war grandpa. Yeah. Love this.

An email from actual email name was Pyro Juice, which what the fuck is that? But okay, Pyro Juice. Anyway, I like that. Piro says you need an intro song to your grandpa. Tell us about the war grandpa bit, which is, oh, yeah. He suggested a song by the Judd. called Grandpa, which is tell me about them good old days. But we do, please email us or your fantasy football at Gmail.com.

It's a good idea. If you have a suggestion for like an intro sound or intro song or quote, whatever for this, tell us about the war bit. But two ones, one from Glenn. Glenn. Glenn. A new rule in aging, which is, because we were talking on the running back episode about we came up with new ways to test about whether running back's too old.

And he said all I kept thinking was memes showing something nostalgic, like some Disney thing. Like, if you remember this, it's probably time to get a colonoscopy. And he was like, the test we should have for other football players is if you were in the last NCAA video game, then you're probably too old for fantasy. Like Mike Evans was in the NCAA game, the last one they made. When was that? Like 2014? Yeah, 2013. Yeah.

Wow. So, Odell, Jarvis, Brandon Cook, and about the M's Mike. Probably time for a colonoscopy. Nether tell us about the war here from a guy named BJ. BJ. BJ. This is an incredible story. Craig just shakes his head.

He's a BJ. Bej. BJ writes, I'm a little younger than DK. I graduated college in 2008. And I got my first full-time job at AAA. And my job was to drive to demos or conventions. And AAA paid for my cell phone the entire time I worked for the company,

which was a massive deal. So in 2008, the flip phone was still the predominant phone. My job was to drop off like triptics and AAA travel packets to customers. I got very good at studying MapQuest and getting around the city. The company paid for the exact same style flip phone from 2008 and then I left in 2014. Okay. And now by that time, everyone had went from flip phones to smartphones. I was excited to get my first smartphone because everyone I knew had a smartphone except me at that time.

So I go to the nearest Radio Shack. That's a thing. Shop around looking for a smartphone. I wanted to not a contract. But the Radio Shack agent person tells me, again, this is 2014. I had to sign a minimum two-year contract for a smartphone. And I point at my flip phone and I say the flip phone doesn't need a contract. And the Radio Shack guy says to me,

oh, well, you can't survive in the world with that phone. BJ writes, I'll never forget those words. I've held a grudge against the poor employee ever since. I walked out. I've never had anything other than a flip phone ever since. Oh. Pivotal moment in this person's life. All time grudge holder.

Wow. Solely because of radio shake. Nothing. Like, halfway through this and I'm like, what a plot twist. And he writes, nothing against smartphones. I hear they're pretty great. And I hear they're pretty great. How is he listening to our podcast?

This is like when you discover one of those hidden jungle or one of those hidden villages in the Amazon. Like what is this guy's life like? Is he, is he listening to our show like out loud on his laptop? Craig, he literally signed off the email. He goes to the wringer.com and hits play on the little widget. I hope you all have an awesome week. I fucking love listening to your show on my desktop. Hell yeah.

You and Quinn Tarantino. Did he tell you that? He pulls up the website. Because he also has a flip phone. Oh my God This guy Tarantino So this guy is like

I can T9 faster than any fucker on the planet What's T9? What T9 word is It was like the It's like Shorthand and whatever

Yeah I never have done that Really? You never did T9 work? I don't think so I don't know I don't know how it works So I clearly didn't do it

Dude people I remember in school In like middle school For some reason It was always girls Girls used to be so good at it where they could stick the flip phone like in their sweatshirt pocket

without looking in T9 their way through like a paragraph. It's a real skill. It's pretty bad. It's like, I mean, that's like something that could be really useful if you're into like espionage and shit.

This guy's still knowing how to do this. It's like, you know how the Incas had this language in this Lost City that was like entire written language based on knots and ropes and like entire quilts? And it was like a whole language

we can't crack. This guy is still doing this thing. So this guy has a flip phone. Yeah. But you can text on it and stuff. It's just not like you can, you don't have like apps and shit. No.

It's not a smartphone. You can text and call. He says, he drives all day. And so part of my current job is to drive to new locations for conventions. Employees 20 years older than me are constantly nervous. I'm going to get lost. But this is the only life I've ever known.

I drove some employees from a different company, 25 minutes back to our conference hotel. And the 30-something in the passenger seat freaked out when I didn't have a GPS in front of me. And when I told him that, he was like, how do you know where you're going with that GPS? And I said, I just kind of memorized the directions. And he grabbed the oh shit handle on the side. You know what I mean?

Like the weird handle on the door. Jesus, take the wheel. This guy probably knows the names of more streets than anyone currently alive. I wonder if every time someone sees that he doesn't have a smartphone, does he have to then recount this story to them? Or does he have like a quick explanation? as to why he doesn't have it. Like every time he, you know,

I don't know if he's married or something, but it's like, anytime he meets somebody new and they're like, why the hell do you not have a smartphone? Is he like, so it was 2014. I was in a radio shack. Hey, can we find this Radio Shack employee? We got to crowdsource this Radio Shack employee.

We got to, hi-fitz, you got to figure out where this guy was working and see if we can find it. With love to BJ, though. I know, but like with love to BJ. We'd love to BJ. Great email. What's weirder?

Quit saying with love to bejee. BJ. It's starting to sound weird. Oh, that's good call. Good call. Craig. Thank you. Phrasing. Frasing.

We're not doing phrasing anymore? It's for work, babe. It's for work. It's for work. What's weirder? Making up this story entirely or this story being real and he doesn't have a smartphone because one guy he didn't know told him like a decade ago that he couldn't do it. It's the latter.

Like it's BJ, if you're listening, fucking get over it, man. I think you've proved your point. He's job to sell you a phone. You proved your point. For 10 years, you've survived without an iPhone. Like, at this point, it's just like absurd commitment to it. Okay, this is an excellent prompt.

We got to find more people who, like, the most arbitrary things to take a stand about. Unnecessary grudges. Like the lowest stakes grudges. grudge holding that lasted like over a decade. It's like we have there's a co-worker of ours

Justin Sales. Tell the marathon story. That's kind of a version of a grudge. Psycho. Justin Sales. I think it's okay to tell the story. Well, we can check with them and then cut it.

Yeah. I mean, it's made it in. It's because he told me. It's like a badass story. Basically, Justin, who's one of my actual,

like one of my favorite people in the entire world. And he, is in, I don't know what the L.A. does anyway. Editor, he just does everything here at the rear. And basically, he's really good shape with this CrossFit and stuff. And he runs a lot, but he once

was at CrossFit and he was a Thursday. And he was asked if he was doing the L.A. Marathon, which is on Saturday. Two days later. Two days later. Two days before. The marathon. And he says, no, I'm not doing it this year. I'm not training. He wasn't running at that point. He was like lifting.

And one of the people that CrossFit It's like, hey, it's, I get it. You're not that kind of athlete. So Justin enters the fucking marathon and beats the guy by an hour. Yeah, by an hour. An hour. Oh, that's great.

And I was like, how did you do that? And he just said, spite. Yeah. Just hate. That's like an MJ level spite performance. That is Michael Jordan would do that shit. Yeah. If you have Michael Jordan level spite stories.

Yeah, like one guy told me I couldn't survive with a flip phone, so I never got a smart phone. One guy whose job was to sell upsell me from my flip phones said I didn't need a flip phone. A literal decade has gone by from this person I didn't know. A guy paid to make me need a smartphone said I needed a smartphone. Anyway. This is great. Great story. Believe it or not, we have an even better email right now.

All right. All right. we have a genuine this is I I he's he's flabbergasted

it's so good this is one of the most incredible things I don't know I genuinely don't I don't know if this will make the show I don't know

I love those types of emails yeah yeah that gets me they usually I'm tingly yeah yeah I'm just gonna be

totally transparent I'm on pins and needles here I don't know if this is going to enough of the preamble just read the email okay

some email from Matt Matt the subject line of the email is your theme song porn music oh I very much hope so Matt I wasn't sure whether or not to send this email

but it was so jarring I had to tell someone so thanks you know how before so Matt watches porn yeah the relationship we have with our listeners is so intimate indeed so Matt says you know how before watching porn

clips that usually have like a 10 second commercial for their porn site. I don't know about that. Yeah. I've never heard of that. You're educated in me though. When watching porn yesterday, wow. I love this. I love the way to start.

The video started with the typical porn ad, but it was the exact same intro song that you used for your podcast. Oh. It was the exact same song. That's what he said. He says, I rewatched the ad a couple times. and it is identical to your theme. Oh my God.

I know you have doctors and lawyers and scientists to listen to your show, but maybe also poor on music producers. Yeah. He says, I did not include the link, but if needed, I can send it. I'm regretting this email already. It is so awkward.

So I responded. Yes. Of course. Obviously, we know where this is going. Matt, wow. I was not aware of this. I probably need the link. Is this weird?

It's only weird if we make it weird, right? What kind of porn are we talking here? This is an all time, babe, it's for my job. Dave, it's for my job. So I respond. I'm like, it's only weird if we make it weird, but like, I need this. But we do need to know this, don't we? Like, we should, we need to know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the discovery process. It's our music. So Matt says, it's no weirder than finding porn in the woods. No, that's true. And sends the link. So just for posterity, I'm going to play, I have my phone on my hand. I'm going to play our intro music for our show, just to refresh everyone listening.

I'm going to play what I'm going to play what. our music sounds like, just to jog the old memory. Okay. This is our music. Great song. Really slaps. All right. It does slap.

So speaking. Frasing. It's clap. It claps. Okay. Craig. I've never been more like stifled by Craig in an episode before. The song really gyrate.

Love. That's. Copa. So now you're pulling up the porn site. I'm pulling up, I'm pulling up the porn ad. I am pulling up the porn that he sent, that said,

okay, this is the music at the beginning of the porn. Is there going to, is there going to be the background out of it? I told you, I didn't know if we could play it in the show. Oh, God.

What the fuck? Dude, that's our fucking music. That's our, I'll play it again. Dude, this is, this is our fucking,

and it sounds ripped. Oh, interesting. Hyphids, are you in it? No, it's welcome to the porna! Welcome! Oh my God. Oh. You know how it's like...

That's our music, dude. Great. So is it like free licensed or like, no, that's like someone made that. Like Evan made that for us, right? No, no, no. No, no. Evan made the Danesie football show music that we had for a little bit. This song was from some music. library that I think we paid for, some copyright-free library that we paid for,

or not copyright-free, but something we paid for like six years ago. And I, when we were starting the show, was just searching through a million songs and landed on this and thought it sounded good. Wait, wait, wait. When was that? I guess it doesn't really matter. But is that video old? What's the...

Guess I'm going to have to open this back up again. Hold on. I need to know the name of the video that he was watching. Just tell us and then you can bleep it out. Okay, yeah. Because I don't want... I want the person who means... made it to like email us and just let us know like do you listen to the show or not i want to

know if we were the spot like i just want to know well it would help if we knew when the video was posted i look it up again you want me to tell you right now yes so yeah kai bleep this out it is on dot com it is oh so we know what that is our music we know what matt's into and then it's Also, plus Justin Jefferson new contract. Should that be the name of the episode? This is brilliant by this website because now if you like pull up a porn video and it's just like the fantasy show intro music, you're not getting in trouble. If it's like on the Bluetooth, you know, across the house on active. Sure.

Oh, that's smart. Should that be the name? Yeah, the name of this episode, Justin Jefferson's new contract plus. Oh, my God. What's this guy's name? What's this? Matt? Matt.

Matt. I'm speaking to you, Matt. Just me and you right now. Did you continue watching the video? To completion? Or did you stop? No one watches them to completion. I would love to know, because he obviously immediately heard it.

Did he then go right to Gmail? Shoot off an email, head back. I want to know what happened afterwards. Phrasing. Matt said thank you. I just had to share it with someone said it feel crazy. Now you shared it with a lot of people. First of all, Matt, thank you.

for your for your vulnerability. Matt literally, I said the same thing. And Matt said, imagine how I felt just expecting porn and hearing the music of my favorite podcast. What's going on here? Oh my God. Wow. That's amazing.

Unbelievable. I, yeah, unbelievable. I feel like the odds are it has to be someone that was in StarPod that like, I think it is. No, no. I bet you that video is old and that song is old and has just like been. circulated on the internet for a long time or something. There's no way.

So, D.K., do you think Craig got it from the porn? Incepted. Craig, Craig's like, ah, videos are old. Videos about me old. No one will make disconnection. There's no way that somebody could, like, if they heard our podcast and liked that song, there's no way for them to find it. How would they have, how would they have?

Shazam exists? I don't know. I don't think you can Shazam that. You're shazamming porn. Oh my God. This kind of, this kind of, this kind of has. has a nice beat to it. Having a party next week.

This sounds pretty good. All the guys immediately know the song. Everybody's like, what? Oh, my God. People are real freaks, man. What are these little freaks out to? First shower patch Oreos and now this. I don't know sure what's weirder.

Normalize shazamming porn. Sure. Look, if the song's good, the song's good. You know? Oh, my God. So, yeah, that's, that's all we got. So we have Terrence. Terrence, brought us the Headless Chicken merch.

Tear. And now Matt, kind of setting a whole new level of, of listener host, confidentiality. Confidential, yeah. The game has changed. The game has changed. The game has changed. Thank you, D.K., thank you, Craig. Thank you to Terrence for these freaking headless Mike chicken shirts.

Oh, hell yeah. Huge. Thank you to Matt for being open about the porn you want. You guys know that I got back from Africa and not a single question? Oh, yeah, we don't have time for that. It's my entire personality now and you don't ask a single question. Oh, my God. Yeah, I think we'll have to do that next episode.

Come on. Are we doing it now? You want to do it now? You want to wait? We can do it. Let's say by the Lord and then let's suck it out. We can wait until next week. I'm not waiting.

Fine. All right. Thank you, D.K. Thank you, Craig. Thank you, Kai, for producing this episode. Yeah, don't forget the bleeps, Kai. That video, that views, working numbers. Those views are going to skyrocket.

Well, we'll provide the link in the podcast. One. Buy the tickets to the live show or click on the porn. Yeah, yeah. Thank you, Toto. Hell yeah. Craig, did you bless the rains down in Africa? And the Serengeti.

I did go to the Serengetti. How was that? Just the pure audacity to slip an extra syllable in there. Saragetty That song is basically Girish Serengeti was quite expansive

it means the endless planes long time ago they actually sent somebody to try and find the end of the serengeti and they traveled by foot for 30 days and came back

and were like there's no end which is why it's not long enough by foot 30 days I don't know this is where the flat earth thing came from yeah right but on that note I will say, so Craig, you do a safari, what? Kenya and where? Tanzania.

I have to say this because Craig can't say it for himself, but, you know how people put their vacations on Instagram stories? And you're like, I get it. Craig's Instagram stories were so good that it actually got me like back into checking people's Instagram stories. And I actually was like hooked. And Instagram figured out immediately and just, like you had, what was your favorite?

You were in a hot air balloon looking over monkeys and trees? That was crazy. That was my favorite. That was my favorite part of the trip. We were in Maasai Mara in Kenya, hot air ballooning over the Maasai River. And I had never been in a hot air balloon before. The most lovely experience, we had to get up super early. We took off before the sunrise.

We took off at like 6 a.m. It is so smooth and peaceful. And you're going like literally 5, 10 miles an hour. It is perfectly silent and tranquil up there. You're with like 15 people and you're just looking. down. It was about an hour, hour and a half. At times, it's such a weird perspective. It was like one of the most unique experiences I've ever had because like that is like a, I think irreplicable is not a word, but I'm going to use it. It was an irreplicable experience because sure you can like be in a plane

taking off, you can look out the window a little bit, but hovering over a tree in the jungle, 20 feet above a tree and just looking down on top of it and seeing animals, there's like no other there's no other, I guess you like hang glide over a jungle. But it was such a unique experience. I loved it. Whole trip was amazing. Learned a lot. Saw so many animals.

It's why I started posting a lot on Instagram because I was like, look, I have all these great videos. I didn't really post any photos. I just did videos. I didn't do anything about like hotels or food or anything. I was like, I'm just going to go full hard in that geo. Anytime I see something cool, a lion, a leopard eating an antelope in a tree, you know, a giant herd of elephants.

I was like, I'm going to post it. I'm not a big Instagram guy. You saw them eating a leopard or leopard eating an antelope and a tree? We did, which is really rare. God damn. We saw the whole Big Five, which is leopards, elephants, rhinos, lions,

Cape Buffalo. They called them the Big Five because they're kind of the most like vicious animals in Africa and they're the hardest to kill, especially when they're provoked. And they're the animals that are poached the most.

Craig was just out here dunking on everyone else's Instagram Reels. He's got like a fucking elephant chasing a lion away. I'm like, geez. That was in a giant crater. I'm posting. a picture of a walk I went on.

Africa is kind of my personality now. Yeah, cool. That's going to be me. I'm going to be insufferable for the next two months. Craig, I didn't say it before you went because I didn't want to worry you, but I have takes about hot air balloons. What's the deal with these things? So they just drift wherever?

Where are they go? How do you get out of a hot air balloon? How do you control where it's going? They turn it down with the heat. I don't know. That doesn't put you in any certain direction. Well, they basically, I mean, they know the way the wind is blowing. So they know the area where they're going to land and our pilot, who by the way, we asked like, how'd you get into this?

And he was like, I took one hot air balloon ride, loved it, went to balloon school. And now here I am. And I was like, I think I could call it something other than balloon school. That's where the, that's where clowns go also. I feel like call like the hot air flight academy, not balloon school. Top gun. The lead of the elite hot air balloonists. Yeah, balloon school doesn't inspire confidence.

Do they have call signs like Iceman? What was his call sign? Shane was his name. Shane. But they can basically direct the flame a little bit to kind of orient and turn the balloon, but they actually don't really know where they're going to land. And they actually have a car basically driving after you to kind of set up on your way down. And they're walkie-talking, be like, all right, I'm going to land over there at that dry patch.

It was also tough because it's the end of the rainy season. Head right for the power lines. Well, there ain't the power lines out there. That's true, that's true. It was the end of the rainy season in East Africa, though, so there was a lot of muddy parts. So he had to kind of navigate and land in a drier area. But it was wonderful, and I highly recommend it.

It was amazing. I'm never getting in a hot air balloon in my life. What do you mean it was in a crater? Wait, who is chasing the elephants? The elephants are chasing the lions or lions are chasing the elephants? We saw a small pride of lions. There was like a couple females, some cubs, which we had never been that close to cubs.

But there was a single elephant, a male elephant. kind of just like walking by and the elephant was clearly just annoyed at these lions for kind of being in its way and so it kind of stampeded after them you know honked its trunk trumpeted

honked its trunk yeah what I don't know you call it David Attero over here you went all the way to East Africa to safari you don't even know his sound well it makes it trumpet sound but it's trunk does it trumpet

how do what's that sounds right that sounds right That sounds right. What noise? What's the noise an elephant makes? I'm Googling this slowly. It's a trumpet sound, but I don't know if it's called trumpeting. That sounds right to me. What does an elephant?

Elephants trumpet when they're highly stimulated. All right. Nice work. It trumpeted. They're produced by pushing air to a trunk. Certain videos. What you said actually made physiological. sense. It just sounded funny.

Elephants are awesome. I saw a baby one. I got to touch one of the last two northern white rhinos on Earth. That's awesome. Wow. So that's cool. It's two women. They're working on figuring out a way, though, to use a...

The DNA. To repopulate the species. Yeah. They're going to have a surrogate, southern white rhino, give birth to the baby because they don't want to risk the northern white rhino having birth complications of dying. Jeez. Yeah. Pretty cool.

Part of the tour is like conservation, obviously, right? Definitely. Definitely. I mean, a lot of the money that tourism brings in helps with all these conservancies. Right. Well, that sounds pretty awesome, minus the hot air balloon, which sounds like a massive death trap. DK, you got to get in a hot air balloon. DK, yeah, get over it, man.

I'm not getting over it. It's actually so calm and smooth. The second you're up there, you're like, I'm not scared at all. The video that you posted actually made me somewhat convinced. Yeah, we were over the Maasai River, all these trees. We saw elephants and giraffes and baboons. What else was cool? I just couldn't believe how up close we got.

Some of our guys, we're in these trucks. There's eight of us, and you have no doors on these trucks that you game drive in, these land cruisers. And there's no doors. You just climb right in. And like, we're drive, our guys, our guides, a lot of these animals are very comfortable with these trucks and human beings because they're just so used to it, their whole lives. So it's like, if we find a small group of lions, you know, resting under a tree in the shade, depending on the driver we were with at whatever location we were at

like we had this one guy Anthony who was like literally driving up eight to ten feet from the lion and we would just park and like sit there and look at them take pictures and they were super cool most of the time there was a few times they would growl a little bit if they were

preparing to mate with a female and they were like growing at you that's scary. Why aren't their doors on these trucks because it's awesome did you go in any of the jeeps where the people are like riding on the front? I've seen those Well basically it's just like these giant

Kind of tiered seating where it's like There's the lower level It's 2-2-2 and then two in the front Where the driver is and there's no doors It's pretty awesome How many Jurassic Park jokes did you make Two of the five locations we went to Legitimately just felt like I was in Jurassic Park

Because the density of the foliage Like the flora of Africa is so astonishing Compared to anywhere I've been to in America It is just so dense. There are certain areas where just like the amount of foliage per square foot is ridiculous. Parts you can't even drive through it so dense.

Did you and Liz remake the scene from Jurassic Park where he like takes off his glasses and then turns the head of the girl? They do move in herds. They do move in herds. They're literally trying to bring back woolly mammoths. Oh shit.

Sorry, what? Yeah. I don't know who, but someone's trying to bring that word names. Sorry, what? You know what's happening somewhere. Pause. Look it up. I will.

Did you see the Charlotte, on the note with the two females, Charlotte, the Stingray was a fraud. I'm going to sell that. The what was the front? The Jesus Christ, Stingray, the Virgin Birth Stingray. Oh, God, we don't have time for this. I don't know what you're talking about. You know, Colossal's been working to bring the mammoth, the Dodo Bird, other extinct species back to life using the latest clothing and genetic engineering techniques. You know Thomas Jefferson thought there'd be mammoths in America when he sent Lewis and Clark out?

Really? Yeah. He thought they'd be like mammoths and shit. Idiot! Freak! That's Craig dying in the hot air balloon. He's like, oh, oh, oh. I'm dead.

I'm dead. Hey, honey, look at me. Take a picture. I feel like a lot of people love elephants and elephants got like a great rap. like a pop culture. Elephants are kind of mean, man. Yeah, it seems super fucking mean. Like, I feel like bullies.

When you think of an elephant, you don't think of a vicious animal. And they are, one, really, really hard to kill. And, like, lions are afraid of elephants. And of all the animals I got very close to, the elephant was what I was most scared of. Wow. Are elephants big? Or bonita fish, big? Those giant tusks?

This guy's deal. Yeah, wait. So you were scared of the elephant? Super scared. Yeah, there was one. I think that's smart of you. He was kind of chasing after us a little bit. Yeah.

And there was a moment where our driver, who were off-roading, and he got kind of stuck for one second. Oh, this is how at all. Yeah, it goes poorly. And my brother-in-law, who was sitting next to the driver in the front seat, no one else heard this but him. And he told us later at dinner. He was like, our driver for a second went under his breath.

He just went, uh-oh. And the elephant was kind of looking at us like, hey, you're getting a little too close. You need to, you know, what are you doing here? And there was a moment where we're all like, man, this elephant's kind of like 20 yards away and kind of moving quick. Things you don't want your, your safari tour guide and or pilot to mutter under his breath.

Uh-oh. But, yeah, all very cool. The lions were amazing. Only saw one leopard. They're very rare. That was amazing to see them in a tree. Dude, we watched it drag an antelope from one part of the tree up to another. Jeez.

And it's just remarkable that the leopard's, are able to do that. Most of these animals also sleep all day because they're so tired. Lions sleep for 18 to 20 hours a day. Yeah, dude, the male lions got to figure it out. He just sleeps for what, 20 hours a day? And doesn't he just like eat and have sex for the other four and just goes back to bed? Yeah, they don't even hunt that much.

The women hunt. The women hunt. Yeah, yeah. That's, that's the women lines. We actually did see. There's a metaphor there. Yeah. We saw a male lion and a female lion have sex.

Getting it on? Oh. Yeah. Did our music play the beginning of the... What's Craig? Craig, what's that look like? Is it look like how I am imagining it looking like? It does.

Doggy style? Okay. Yep. It's a rather speedy performance, too, I should say. They are... Fastest to the animal kingdom? Yeah. And I also found out they do it thousands of times, like in a two-week span.

Wow. What? Yeah, they have sex thousands of times. Sounds like rush. It literally lasts like four seconds. It's just like normalize, normalize. So anyway, looking pretty good now, huh, babe? Twice as long as Craig.

Should appreciate what you got. Wow. Yeah. Also, hippos really mean. That's what I was going to ask, Frank. So a lot of hippos. I've heard that the hippos are the most dangerous animals, generally speaking, in terms of like the amount of people that they kill every year.

Yeah, it's super vicious. Yeah, and they're also really fast swimmers. They run along the bottom. They're not like swimming. They're running. Think about that's crazy. That's weird. That's weird.

That's crazy. Yeah. That is weird. That's nuts. Did you guys know that Pablo Escobar brought a bunch of hippos to South America? Yeah, yeah. And like then when he got caught, like, they just could. So there's just hippos that live in this random river in Colombia.

Yeah. And they've like breeded in like your, there are several generations later, obviously now. Yeah, they're not fucking going. Yeah. Sorry, Craig, you're just talking about hippos. No, yeah. I think they're the weirdest

animal to look at. They don't look like anything else. They're so odd looking. What are they related to? Cows and what? Cows and whatnot. It's true. Are they related to cows?

I kind of just said that. I kind of just do that. I don't know about that. Like Cape buffaloes are related to cows. I googled hippos animal and it just came up for Animal Crossing. Hippos. They make these like weird grunt sounds.

Oh, they're new whale. Dols, dolphins, porpoises. That's wild. What? Yeah. Which they've so weird. They run. 55 million years ago.

I can't get over the fact they run on the ground underneath the water. They're like whale cows. That's crazy. Yeah. And they're massive. Yeah, hippos, because the crocs don't mess with hippos. The other one I told you this. The other one I hate is that crocodiles, you know, when their little faces there above the water, like the eyes.

I always thought they were like horizontal, but they're not. They're like standing. Like they're just heads there But they're just like hanging feet and tail around the ground And like they're standing there like a little statue And like I don't know why But that freaks me out so much more that they're creeping like that Oh 100%

Just horizontal. It makes it so much more like a person. Dude, I wild Good shit, Craig. Damn, good stuff. I recommend it. Go to Kenya in Tanzania. There you have it. All right. Goodbye everyone. Must be 21 plus and present in select states.

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