The Ringer NFL Show - Power Ranking Controversial NFL Rule Changes We Need Right Now

Episode Date: December 14, 2022

We make Danny Heifetz commissioner of the NFL for a day and allow him to compile a list of rule changes that, in his mind, would improve the game of football. We discuss removing forward progress, robbing field goals like home runs, introducing penalty boxes and power plays, and more. We finish the show by answering listener emails. Check out our Weekly Fantasy Football Rankings for positional rankings and more! Email us! [e-mail]. Hosts: Danny Heifetz, Danny Kelly, and Craig Horlbeck Producer: Craig Horlbeck Additional Production: Kai Grady Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

An Instagram post gets an unexpected boost. A TikTok catches in the algorithm. Sometimes that's all it takes to launch someone into internet fame. But then what? This blew up is a new podcast documentary that reveals how social media stardom is made. It's a different kind of fame that's not always as glamorous as it looks. From Spotify and the Ringer podcast network, I'm Melissa Boresnack. You can listen to This Blue Up on Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts.

Fantasy Football Show. My name is Dan Huyvesant. I am joined by Danny Kelly and Craig Horlebeck. Yeah, he's back. Yeah. Gone for two episodes, but you know you're back, you're alive, you're feeling all right? I'm alive. I feel good.

Well, I feel pretty good. I had like a pretty severe 48-hour flu or cold or something like that. Let's be honest, the Seahawks lost to the Panthers and you were like, I'm out. I just couldn't face the world after that. Man, I wish that was the case, but no. I explain this to my friends. This is the whole flu that I had felt like the instant you wake up after like binge drinking and you're like, oh, I have a terrible hangover. You know what I mean?

Like that headache where it's like, this is going to be a bad one. This isn't one of those funny hangovers where you can like laugh with your friends. It's like, no, this one's going to be a problem. This is going to be like a full 24 hour ordeal. That was how I felt for like pretty much this whole flu. Luckily it didn't last too long. But I might sound a little bit off still, I think. All right.

Well, I'm glad to have you back. And today, it's power hour. And we're power ranking something on every Wednesday. And today, I'm very excited for this. We're power ranking all the rules that I want to change about football. Because they got all the pros of you people.

Hyphus is very passionate about this idea. As you all know, who are listening at home or wherever you're listening, Hyvin says a lot of thoughts on a lot of things. So this is really his episode. This is really his. Yes. This is his final form.

So, yeah, we're going to go through all the NFL rules to change. First, Kyle Murray tore his ACL on Monday night football. I think Craig and I are responsible for that because we basically went through the waivers. We recorded Monday afternoon and we're like, I mean, no one needs quarterbacks, right? Like, there's none, you know, you have a quarterback, you're fine. So like, I think it's our fault. I mentioned one, just a lot of people probably lost matchups who needed like two points from Calumery. That probably sucks. But yeah, so he's out. And Dicke, I'm just curious your

thoughts than just like the Cardinals and Kyler and him being done. And it's a while. I mean, yeah, it sucks because especially this late in the season, it kind of puts them down on how early he'll be back next season. I saw some people talking about how it potentially gives the Cardinals and out in terms of like sort of resetting and firing their coach or whatever. Like to me it's just, it sucks for him mostly because like this could really impact next year too, not just like obviously this year. But yeah, it was tough to see after three plays.

That was definitely a wild swing for the fantasy stuff too. Tyler's a super divisive player. I feel like he's the only glue. really holding that team together. I don't even know if that's a good thing, but, like, Cliff just seems like, you know, not an excellent coach. And then Steve Kimey's their GM just doesn't seem

like he's been doing a great job outside of kind of like my theory of just how he kind of Ozarked his way to keeping the job by being, we'll take Kyler Murray and that just saved everything. And Kyler just the whole thing with Kyler is the magic. It's like the scheme that Cliff has doesn't seem great. It's just kind of like,

Kyler just running around and making stuff happen is the only way they can ever accomplish anything. and it's like, what is Kyler going in the next season where you don't know if he has that magical explosiveness? And I'm sure he'll get it back like eventually. But like, again, as you said, decay, summer 13th. I think they generally, generally need to wait like at least a couple weeks to get the ACL surgery because the swelling has to go down swelling.

He's not getting surgery really at least till like around New Year's Eve, nine month recovery. And it's like, all right, cool. Like, when is he himself? So it sucks. And it really just sets the whole team back like a year. It pushes a lot of things off. for them. Yeah, it's interesting. Yeah, like the other thing that I thought, they kind of went for it this

year, obviously. Like, they traded for Marquise Brown in the draft. They're an old team. I know, Dondrey Hopkins isn't getting any younger. They, they re-signed Zach Earts this year. J.J. Watt? Yeah, J.J. Watt. This team is, like, held hostage by itself. Like, there's so many different reasons. It's held hostage by Kyler's contract, by Kyler's kind of, like, inability to make the leap by Steve Kime, by Cliff Kingsbury's contract. Like, the whole team is just like holding guns at one another, like they're Michael Scott in the office. The vibes are atrocious.

All year the vibes are atrocious. You could cut the tension with a knife. Anytime you see anybody on the sideline, they're all just brooding. Cliff Kingsbury looks like he hasn't slept in weeks. He looks like SpongeBob when he's all dried out. It's crazy. He really looks like someone's been in Vegas for like three days too long.

So yeah, Cardinals, bad team. Bad things happen into bad teams. Dude, the Cardinal Stadium strikes again. That place is just curse for injuries, man. Turf, right? No, it's actually grass. They're grass. They really have the field that it's crazy.

They wheel the field in and out. Oh, right. That's what the Raiders do. Yeah, the girl. Is that what the Raiders do? Yeah, they roll it out and grow it and roll it back in, I believe. Yeah, the Cardinals have the state. Yeah, it's wild.

So I guess strike one for my love of grass. But yeah. So that sucks for Kyler. All right. Let's get to low. power hour. Again, all the rules that I'll change is commissioners, czar, supreme leader, whatever. This is the real NFL. Yeah. Yeah. The real NFL. I would do this power hour style. So we're going to go talk for, in theory, move on after

saying for two minutes. When you hear this sound, Tom, Tom, Club, baby. What is your new league called? Is it the NHL, the National High Fitzhick's League? No, there's still NFL. Wow, that was a little much. He is that much of a narcissist. He's going to name it the High Fitz League. That doesn't roll off the tongue. I mean, we did name something Danesy football podcast. That was stupid. That's true.

Until I showed up and I was like, what are we doing here, folks? It's not great for the whole SEO. Just like three years of doing that. My phone still thought it was a typo. Maybe it wasn't just spelling error. My God.

All right. Anyway, all right. Kai, start the clock. Two minutes on. First thing I'm doing in charge of the NFL. No stupid rules. All the dumb rules are gone. I'm just lump.

This isn't a good. The president with like the executive orders You're like on my first day in office I'm like everything dumb The body weight rule With the NFL and the quarterbacks Like rough in the passer Everyone's gonna relax with that

That stupid rule where if you're reaching for the goal line And you fumble the ball out of the end zone That defense gets the ball That's done. That's over We're absolutely done with that one And that the Tyree kill The rush he picks up the fumble run 60 yards The yards don't count as rush.

Ridiculous No more shadow yardage Tyree kill gets the rush of yards for there we're moving the trade deadline back three weeks. Like there will be more trades. I promise you. I like that. And then,

I mean, we're going to have, this is my most radical. We're going to have concussion spotters who watch the games. Because right now, I don't know what they're doing. They're all on their phone because I don't know if you saw Devante Parker almost played last night,

like unconscious at the line of scrimmage. I don't know how every fan watching a game can see someone as concussion and not the concussion spotters. The concussion spotters will watch. And then most, importantly, the two things that'll make D.K. happy. We're going to put chips in the ball. Yeah. To track the spotting. We're not going to have the old men just kind of

guest-to-meet every single play. No, no more chain-gank charade. No, we're keeping the chain gangs because the chain gangs are the exact part of it. It's fun. It's old school. But like, we're not going to have the spot determined by like where this, no offense, but like this, you know, 60-year-old guy who's probably in very good shape because they're running up and down. But like, they're just spotting the ball. And it's like, no, we're putting chips in the ball. And then the chain gang just for fun. keep it old school. You know what's the weirdest part of the spot is when like a guy

is running forward and he gets tackled and he gets hit back three yards but then he kind of gets a second wins and gets two more yards and then he goes back two more yards and it's like this like forward backward thing and then you just see the line ref just kind of like say fuck it I'm gonna meet you halfway and just goes

right in the middle here. Also also sorry love Tom Tom, we're so much disrespect to Tom Tom Tom will probably happen today. Also you know when the refs do that and the progress and they just throw that little card down You know what I mean? Like they're watching this throw the card. It's like, that's just so they vaguely remember what happened in the area.

Like, what is that about? It's like forward progress, but if you kind of try too hard when you're getting tackled to like keep going, they'll move you back even more. It doesn't make any sense. There's a lot here, Haif. This is all one thing. You did 10 rules in one rule. Well, I wanted to do like experimental.

We can do another two minutes on the clock just to you guys discuss it. And we need to react to this, I feel like. So, yeah, please go. Well, first of all. on executive orders. It's just going to be a 20-minute hyphitz diatriad. We don't even speak.

I like most of these. The one question I have is number, well, it's not really a question. First statement, there are chips in the ball already.

My question is, how are you going to do spotting? I think the spotting, it's like, it's more complicated than just like having a chip in the ball, right?

Because you have to know exactly where the guy's knee goes down, where the ball is. Don't we have the technology to have like the whistle? Here's, here's my suggestion is we have

some sort of like video. It's like in tennis where they, like do the thing with the ball on the out like on the line or whatever like we need some version of that get some technology going it's the year 2022 like come on we we can figure this out I want to get rid of completely the chain gang I think the chain gang is absolutely ridiculous it's fun that's that no it's stupid I like the drama of yeah it's like the fourth and short and the ref puts up his fingers and he shows that there's one inch to go my favorite is when the

chain gang comes out and does their little measurement and it's like a full three feet I'm like you couldn't see this from the sideline come on couldn't figure that out. While we're here, my last my last just executive order day one is we're going to fix a catch. A catch is just, it's like the Supreme Court with porn. You know it and you see it.

I agree. That is a important. We need a catch committee watching every game and there's three of them so there can be no even split and they just watch it and they go, nah, catch. I'm fine with that. Yeah. Yes. I 100% agree with that. They're thinking way too hard about what's a catch

and what's not a catch. Like, we need some common sense. These are common sense rules. If you ran on all these, like if you ran for president on all these things, I think you'd win by a landslide. Do you think we could get the three of us to be the catch committee? Could we pitch that? That would look pretty cool. It's a catch. That's a catch. Let's be honest. He got that. I'm glad that you guys like this because these are my like get me elected and then everything else is like authoritarian. This is going to be weird. It's going to get a dictator like I can't even remember like half the things you said. So while we're there on the catch committee, Next one, I'm fixing instant replay.

They've been doing the Sky Judge thing more, which is great. And like if people don't know, it's Sky Judge, great name. And they're basically like, they have a ref in the booth and they're like watching like,

that was a huge mistake. And they buzzed down. They're like, what the fuck were you thinking? Fix that. And like it's just the way it should work. We're doing more of that. It's going to be like a ref watching

with a Buffalo Wild Wings button. And when something goes really wrong, you hit it. Here's thing. The rule is clear and obvious. This is how we're going to enforce it. They can only watch three replays. That's the rule.

You can see every angle you want. You can only watch every angle three times. In slow-mo? You have to watch the... One of them has to be full speed because so much is lost. One full speed, two slow-mo. If you have to watch any angle four times,

that shit's not clear and obvious. We're sticking with the call on the field. That's the rule. So in my instant replay, one, it's literally going to be faster. And two, like, that's it. Watch everything three times. And then if you don't know,

then that's the answer. You still don't know. Yeah, there's been a couple instances of the last couple weeks where the refs literally spent, like five, like literal minutes watching a replay to figure out if it was a catch or not. I'm like, this is absolutely absurd.

This is ridiculous. If you can't tell within like 10 or 15 seconds, it should not be overturned, period. Like, to me, like, this is way overthrthinking it. The NFL does this with everything. I overthink it, but yeah, I like this rule a lot. Like, basically just put common sense back in to these rules. I also kind of think instant replay's been pretty good.

Like, there have been fewer of those things where it took a really long time this year. I want the time back. You know how in soccer they add extra minutes on? It's like a delay. I want the time back. Yeah, it's annoying if the ref sits there for seven and a half minutes deliberating over what is clearly a catch. I want that time back. You're never getting it back, Craig. It's just extra time, but in reverse.

That's pretty good. All right. Here's some time back. I'll give you 13 seconds back before time, Tom, Tom. We'll just, there we go. Okay. We'll just play the Tom Tom now. Boom.

There you go. Time back. All right. I'm going to go a little more. I gave you all the good stuff up top because I'm going to be a dictator now. Okay. Next rule. I'm in charge of football.

I'm nervous. No forward progress. We're done with this. I love this one. Like we just accept it. It's just like, well, he was going there,

but he fell like five yards back. But like that's as far as you went. Why? Well, okay, so I very much agree with you. But then if there's no forward progress, then you could just pick up a,

like you could have two defenders pick up a player and run them back. for 40 yards. You want that? Absolutely. Guess what? Don't get picked up and dragged by other people, man. If this isn't like player safety. No.

If Tom Brady is first and 10 and gets picked up 50 yards and thrown backward, guess what? It's second and 60. Don't get picked up. What I hate the most is if a defender knocks you back for an eight yard loss and after you've run eight yards forward, they just put it at the four. They just for some reason decide to middle it. I don't understand why that makes it. any sense.

It's like this unspoken thing. I think I misunderstood what Hyphus was getting at like no forward progress. I think that's a little bit insane. But Hyphus is saying wherever you get tackled is where the ball is. Where you get dropped? Look, we only have in this world what we can take and what we can defend. It's like the idea that like you, oh, well, I got forward. It's like it's not where you ended up.

Like, who cares? Sorry. Turn into like a giant rugby scrum where there's like a guy just like squirting out the top of the middle and just like they're carrying them off the field. I think that forward progress, if we were being more realistic, forward progress should be revealable. Because it's just like this all in,

it's like this, it's like their god. The refs are God. Oh yeah, his forward progress was stopped and everyone has to just say, okay. Well,

no, that has to be that way because they end the play. Well, I think that, I think it should be reviewable afterwards because there's so many plays

where, oh, they called it dead forward progress and he was clearly not done. No, but they, when they said they called it dead, they, they blew the wind.

They blew the, and then people stopped playing some of the guys in the field. Like you can't have the, you know what I mean? Yeah, they should wait longer to blow the whistle. Well, maybe they wait till he's down and they're dragging him back.

You know what I think is a cop-out? I always hate when guys like Mahomes are scrambling. It's like third and ten. And they clearly run out of bounds two yards before the first down, but they just reach the ball forward when they're like out of bounds

and they call it a first down. That's bullshit. He didn't get the first down. Holding that he's like practically out of bounds, holding the ball in front of the first down marker and they give it to him. I hate that. All right. Next one.

I'm in church of football. New rule. Number four, no punting. As a concept, it's out. Like, because people are like, well, you, punting's boring. And like, there shouldn't be punting. And people like, well, field position, it's such an important part of the game. Yeah.

That's why you have to defend the field position. If it's important, don't lose your position. Keep the ball. be very interesting to see how those strategies would change if it was you just basically knew you're in four down territory every drive or whatever every series um i like this rule a lot i hate punting my thought was like something sort of hybrid where you can't you just don't have a punter on your roster and if you want to punt you you just have to have your quarterback punt it you know i don't know why they don't do that anyway that's funny to this day i do not understand why they don't just teach patrick mahomes how to fucking like you either go for it or It would change every ticket.

It's like Rothesberger would punt. He was the only quarterback who could do it. The same way the Ravens were the only defense that practiced how to score touchdowns when they had the ball. And it's like, I don't know why more people don't do that. But with the punning, the irony is I actually think it would help defensive teams more because it rewards defenses for like, oh, we stopped. 25 yard line. All right, stop. All right, you're in field goal range.

You know what I mean? And like, I just think good defenses. I'm like half kidding about this. But I actually think the startup leagues or it's too bad that they need to teach the guys special teams to like have them be able to make a NFL roster because I wish the XFL and things like if those games were two hours instead of three and it was all offense and no special teams that'd be better but also it's kind of a more interesting game which is yeah you have to go for and fourth down or like you lose the ball like I just I actually think it would create a like a better product in a way but the NFL would be way

way more scoring way more scoring but it's also I don't know like it just rewards teams who can move the ball and it rewards good defense save coaches from themselves like punting from like their own 40 yard line. Well, yeah, what it would do is it would make teams like the Broncos exciting because they would get a ton of stops and then immediately just have the ball in the red zone. Exactly. Instead of the Broncos being unwatchable, the Broncos are a great team.

I think it would be cool. Like that. All right, this one's from Craig. I love this one. We're talking a special team. Craig says you should be able to rob field goals like their home runs at the goalpost. Imagine Wait, like it's the end of the game.

There's two seconds left and Justin Tucker has to kick a 59 yarder and you're the Seahawks. And what you get to do is just put D.K. Metcalfe back there and he gets to jump up and squat the ball away if it's close enough to go over the crossbar. That is great. I love that. I don't know if we need to spend two minutes on this, but I think those are going to be symmetric.

Tumbo to like get in there just for that one play. I wouldn't even mind if you allowed like people to get on other people's backs and jump up because you got to decide. You know, do you want to try and block the field goal at the. line of scrimmage or do you want to try and create a wall around the crossbar that you can block the ball at how cool would that be i love it so much i think you should be able to do anything i always like they should throw a helmet up try to like hit the ball with it i don't care i that's a every team would just would would just sign some like six-seven guy who had a 45-inch vert and his

only job would be just get up yeah and he's just hiring volleyball players phil dollhauser just like just like just out here like well the other Roger Sherman so on this note Roger Sherman I'm stealing this idea from him I also think on this note uprights like the actual goalposts at every team we should literally move them like they can be different sizes like every it's kind of like baseball like use what they want it has to be the way the whole season but like the same way like in baseball like you can just move your outfield walls like if you have a really good kicker like the ravens you make the goalpost really small and be like well Justin Tucker can hit it but you can't and the bears you make them like 50 yards wide so that you always can make your kicks

but like just, you know, add a little quirk, little personality. What about if teams could choose the width of the hashes in their home fields? Why stop there? Length of the field. Yeah, there we go. Two-a-yard field. This is like a huge ballpark. This is a hitter's ballpark right here.

Just like Astros, just put like a weird hill in center field for no reason. There's a hill in the middle of the field. There's like a little pond in the corner of one at part of the field. Waterfall. Like in backyard baseball. You ever seen it play the backyard baseball? the games where it's just like, oh my God, like the center field,

just like someone's garage. What's like the Fenway, like the green monster or whatever? Like, what's that version on the NFL field? Oh my God. It's definitely the Rams, how like they had to build their thing in a giant pit for LAX.

And I don't know. Like it's just like all jagged from the construction. I think the real life version of this was that the Raiders played in a fucking baseball field. Yeah. Like players hated getting tackled on the infield because it hurt. running to second base on a slant.

We're like, we're venturing into like basketball territory here. I, well, yeah, there should be more. While we're speaking of basketball, Craig had another idea that I really loved that we,

sorry for disrespecting Tom Tom, start the timer. Craig, you had the idea of technical fouls, like after a personal foul being like a one-on-one. Uh-huh. I had another idea. Like a fist fight?

No, so it's like, you know, if you're playing basketball and there's a technical foul in the game, they let's say somebody playing the Warriors commits a technical foul, they allow the best free-throw shooter on the team, Steph Curry, to shoot a free-throw. I think you should get the same thing in football, where the defense commits a technical foul. Let's say you're the Chargers. And now the Chargers get to put Mike Williams on the field with the team's best corner, and Justin Herbert gets to throw one deep ball to Mike. Williams.

Does he catches it? They get the ball at the spot if they don't. I want to tweak that because I like that. That's too easy for the offense in theory. Here's what I like. Free throws aren't easy? No, I think a personal foul should be either the team can pick between 15 yards or you get a power play.

It's not a personal foul though. It's a technical foul. Oh, a technical foul. Yes, I'm saying a technical foul. Okay, I see what you're saying. Because I was thinking for personal fouls like in the NFL, it should be a, they get a chance at a power play. and it's like, I love that.

You get one play and it's 10 on 11. And so instead of 15 yards, you're like, we want one thing. And it's like, guess what? Like, we're going four receivers. You have 10 people. Like, go for it. But you only get the one. That is a phenomenal idea.

Can you imagine it's the fourth quarter and somebody commits a personal foul so like Jeff Akuta has to sit out? And now you have 10 on 11 and you're just going five wide? How sick would that be? Especially like, especially like cornerbacks when they talk so much shit and then like it has like Marshall and Adomore gets the Saints.

out one play and then like Evan scores a touchdown. I would just like love that. This is chaotic but I love it too. I just want to see more. I just want to see more action. Most of my rules just come from me wanting to see more action. These games are boring now. Nobody throws for 200 yards anymore.

I want I want free deep shots down the field. Bring back the juice ball era. Going away from action and just going to seeing stuff, D-K had a great one, which is stop limiting uniform combinations. Hell yeah. Just let people wear what they want. Phil Knight up in here. Phil Knight is going to just cream his pants when he sees this.

Like, I don't understand, first of all, does the NFL hate money? Like, what's their problem? Why do they have all these limitations on what uniforms you can wear? People would eat this out. Tradition. It's stupid. Like, we've been begging as Seahawks fans. And it's actually happening next year, which is awesome.

We've been begging for the Seahawks old school, like the royal blue throwbacks in like the silver helmets to come back. For honestly, I feel like forever. It's been over 10 years. I don't know why. The NFL just said no. for whatever reason. Imagine how many of these jerseys they'd sell.

You know, we're in such a big nostalgia point in culture. You're so right, D.K. I mean, like, we love, like, logos from the 90s looking back. We're like, all the logos look the same now. Like, every brand has the same font, the same simplistic, whatever. Like, looking back at Microsoft or old cars, like, we need, why don't we just, like, recreate all that shit? I'm totally with you on just, like, let teams, like,

the old Falcons jerseys are super cool. The old Seahawks jerseys are super cool. I don't know why we're not just like injecting nostalgia back into football like we do with everything else. My brother texted me the other day that the NFL has not made a good hat in 15 years. And I think that's correct. It's so true. They're doing it more. The Giants did the throwback.

The color rush is good. The Giants did the throwbacks this week and Thursday. Not this week. This year on Thursday in football with the old Giants logo. Because for a while it was we can't do the helmets because they didn't want the players to change out their helmets because you actually have to have a different helmet for the things. and now they finally made enough helmets. It was like a player safety thing. Slash they were kind of being lazy about it.

And now they're actually caring more. So now they are doing it. But they're still real commercially. But the Bengals white uniforms are like, I don't Bill hates them, but like, dude, those white Bengals things are sick. I don't think they do a good job of it right now. I think they need to get better designers and people like that.

Just call Phil. He'll handle it. Yeah. Phil, get on the phone. All right. Next one here. offensive linemen are eligible receivers. Yes.

Can somebody explain to me the the ineligible man downfield penalty? Because I've never understood why it was created or exist and I think it's stupid. That's the thing. So I think the short answer is basically that they're like, well, everybody's not supposed to, like the linemen block. Like they are the only position in sports where your only jobs to protect your teammates. They can't catch. Then they're like, all right, you can't go like two yards downfield on a pass plan block.

then they start doing RPO's where the offensive line's job is to run block and then if the quarterback doesn't like the run, they pass it. In college, you can get four yards downfield. The NFL, it's two. So the problem is any time in RPO timing is disrupted, like any time they don't get to their first read, the offensive line doesn't know what's going behind it.

They're run blocking. Right, they're not looking backwards. Yeah, the quarterback throws to like something, they have to escape pressure, they throw it, and they're like, flag, offensive linemen, ineligible receiver downfield. no one thought he was a receiver. Like, it's so stupid.

But then I'll go a step further. Why? Why can't they catch the ball? How many times you see a quarterback trying, like, just let him catch the ball. It's always fun when they have the ball. If a coach can get creative and design a play where a left tackle runs an outrout

and catches an eight-yard pass, let him do it. How is it making the game worse? Pena Sewell caught a pass this weekend. He was an eligible receiver. They declared him before. I don't know. I agree with this. I hate the illegal man downfield or whatever rule.

To me, it's just kind of bizarre. I was actually reading up on it. And I didn't see any compelling arguments for why they should keep it. I mean, I think it has something to do with equity between offense and defense. Like, it makes it very hard on the defense. Yeah, it would definitely fuck with the defense.

But that's okay because forward progress is over. Right. And we're, you know, fantasy football related, so we want offense. Now the defense can block kicks at the crossbar. Exactly. But no, if this were my executive orders, I would be like down, an eligible receiver is just at five yards now.

It's fun. We're talking about offense. I'm stealing this from the XFL. There should be a three-point conversion from the 10. And it sounds gimmicky. But I just want to punish, I want to punish teams for being up nine points because you should score touchdowns,

not kick three field goals. So I like that. And also I think it would be fun. I would just, I don't think there's any argument against it. And while we're changing scoring, I have another one. But I'm curious, I guess, feel about a three-point conversion. So this would just be another way

to make it easier for teams to come back within like two minutes or whatever. It's like they can. Yeah, an extra point, two point from the two, three point try from the 10. I'm wondering if the 10 is long enough. But yeah, I mean, I like the idea. I'd be open to the 15.

Yeah, I like the idea. I think it needs to be 15. I think 10's too close. That's fine. While we're changing scoring rules, I think safety should be worth seven points. Like a safety is so hard. A safety is so rare. It's so dominant.

It's also like mirror image. Like, you put the other team into their end zone. that's so embarrassing. But here's the thing. I don't think you should get the seven. It should come out of the other team's score. So if it's zero,

zero and there's a safety, it should be zero to negative seven. Imagine if this was in conjunction with the no forward progress rule. It would be... No, he probably can't exist. This would be just wild. One or the other, I like it.

But not both. Sean Fantasy said this the other day. Safeties are not worth enough. I know you get the ball back, but still, it's crazy to safety. It's like very hard to get a safety. Yeah.

They should be worth like four or five, which I know is just way too chaotic, but I don't think it's where it should be worth seven and it definitely shouldn't be worth just two. I'm okay with that. I'll meet in the middle at four or five. That's fine. But it's two is not enough.

That's all. The end zone is worth six. However you get there, just make it worth six. That's, that's kind of right. You're not there. You don't have the ball in the end zone, but that's true.

Yeah, I don't know. It's very difficult, though. Because then a strip sack where you recover a touchdown in the end zone is the same thing as a safety. Right, you're right. Yeah. I didn't think it's true.

true. Great song. All right. Uh, I have one other one that I haven't thought through fully. Okay. Let's flesh it out. I've always wondered what would happen if there would be just, why does the quarterback the only one with a radio? That seems insane. That seems like a legit relic of like World War II when they're storming Normandy. And there's one guy with the radio box. I'm like, in what like what, like, in what world now would everyone out of a radio? I kind of love football, like being the quarterback has to communicate, but wouldn't everything change if they

could hear? I'm like, what if they just put that live audio on the broadcast of like McVeigh telling everyone what to do? I'm kind of, I don't know. Maybe take it a step further. Just let McVeigh be in the huddle. Like the refs are just hanging out. He's just there. Yeah, he's just calling the plays in the huddle and then he runs off to the sideline for the play. Who cares?

Yeah, it's true though. Like, because you know why you watch like Peewee football and that's exactly what the coaches do the parents are just behind them. 10 yards. Can't have 70-year-old coaches doing that, though. Why? The rest are 70. Yeah, that's a good point.

Like, so instead, they got to have a little walkie-talkie from 75 yards away and they got to tell the guy what to do. Just tell him. Andy Reid's probably not going to have the stamina to, like, run back and forth to the huddle. He can have one of those little carts that people use in grocery stores. Just wheeling it like Marshaun Lynch. He's going to have a segue.

Yeah, he's got like a dashboard full of his plays that he shows people on his little cart. That sounds kind of. good. I'm just saying, you know, again, it's just there are parts of football we just accept. It's like, yeah, one guy is the radio. It's like, they can talk to one person. Yeah, but don't you think that what Sean McVey is telling Matt Stafford might not be, you know, beneficial for everyone to hear, especially like, what if he talks a little shit? But if he's like, I don't want you thrown to Allen Robinson right now. Maybe it should just be between the quarterback and the coach. It's a sacred bond. But also, how much of his job is just relaying Stafford to relay to

everyone else what their job is. It is a redundancy. You're right. I just think he should be in the huddle. Let Mike Tomlin be out there with Pickett. They have 40 seconds between plays and 30 of it's telling one person to tell everyone else what to do. That's all. I'm saying we can rethink the process. I don't have the answers yet. This assembly line of information. It's crazy. Give you your extra time back. Last one. This is not a rule. This is just a thought for the broadcasters. Zoom out. Just zoom out on all the games. Thank you. God.

I was a huge fan of Skycam. I thought Skycam would be revolutionary because it's like, Like football is designed one way and we turn it 90 degrees and watch it that way. And I was like, that's why it's confusing. Skycam gives people motion sickness. There's no depth perception. It doesn't work for like broadcast. If you guys watched the X-ray Vision broadcast at Amazon Prime for Thursday football, I do.

It is a fucking game changer. So X-ray vision, they just zoom out. It's kind of like when you're playing Madden and you hold one of the triggers and it zooms out and it's like it shows the name under every player. And it's really cool. but more importantly that it's the regular broadcast view so it's the regular side view

it's just zoomed out to show the safeties that's it. It's just like zoomed out it is so different to just watch regular football but like you can just see the safeties it changes everything.

My impression of that because I watch that every single time it's prime vision or whatever it's called X-ray vision. They have all the stats too I don't necessarily need the next gen stuff. I don't need any of that they could just like eliminate that

and I'd be fine but yes, to me, that is the, it's sort of like this uncanny event. Like, it feels like you're there. Like, that's the closest I've gotten to feeling like I'm in the stands, like maybe second or third level, watching the game. And you can see what everybody's doing. You can see guys that are like wide open and the quarterback just didn't see them.

I don't know. Like, to me, it just looks so much more real. It feels like you're at the game. And I think that's a really cool feeling. I know a lot of people are probably just going to hate it because you can't see the individual guys. quite as much. But Hyfitz, dude, you know how upset I get when, like, Kyler's running around and they keep, they just continually keep zooming in until, like, the cameraman, like,

literally can't even, like, keep track of where Kyler is. Just zoom the fuck out, guys. Just removing all artistic ability from the cinematatorial. Exactly. That's all I want. Well, how about this? You can choose what your camera angle is. It's up to you at home. Give you five different options. Not that hard. You can have zoomed out, zoomed in, whatever. It's, it's like Madden. Just pick. If you give you five options, NBC, you select the one you want for any play. That sounds wonderful.

Absolutely. I forgot this one, but I did want to know. Dick Craig said in that there should be a designated survivor-style quarterback for primetime games, which is incredible. Like, you know how at the state of the union, they have to have, like, the Department of the Interior or whatever is not there in case everyone died. We need that for quarterbacks for prime time games, so we don't see it. I'm just so sick of, like, Garrett Gilbert starting a Monday night game because the starting quarterback got hurt. I hate it.

I don't know who the designated quarterback should be. Maybe it's like a team that once a team is mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, he's just available. That's good. The mathematically eliminated is pretty good. Just like, I don't care who it is. Like, Baker Mayfield. He's now just the designated survivor.

If I'm watching a game and Kyler Murray gets hurt last night, Baker Mayfield goes in, even though Global Coal is not bad. He's decent. But like, in no world do I ever want to watch a game where Derek Carr goes down and then I have to watch Nathan Peterman on Sunday night. That should never be the case. It's not fair to the Raiders. It's not fair to us at home.

Give me Matt Ryan or something. Dude, we've had an incredible amount of this this year, too. I actually, I can't remember off the top of my head, but I saw this stat. There's something like 11 teams have had quarterbacks play every game this year. It's just, it's crazy. Who was the quarterback for the Raiders that started a playoff game? Is it Connor Cook?

Yeah. That should not happen. It shouldn't happen. They should be able to just go get Davis Mills or something. Josh Johnson is the perfect example. Josh Johnson, the designated survivor. He's not good enough. He's not good enough.

Yeah, he is. He's been on 14 teams for 30-something years. That's not a good sign. Usually more teams equal bad. The better you are, the less teams you're on. That's generally how that works. Dude, I tweeted out, I tweeted out Josh Johnson was signed in with teams before you're born and he's going to be signing with teams well after you've died.

I tweeted that in 2018. And he's still doing it. He's still signing with teams. It's been four years. He were going to die this week, so there we go. He almost was done. Who knows, man, you know? He must live in an RV.

Does a lot of traveling. All right. Well, those are my ideas. Shout out. Like Thursday night football. Ryan Fitzpatrick is just the designated quarterback. Think about that. He's on the sideline in full pads, and he's doing the reporting.

And he's like, I've studied both playbooks. I could go in on any team at any moment. He's like a hard job. He's like, all right. I'm on the chargers. and he runs in. That's really good. All right.

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18778, Hope and Wight, text hope and wide to 467369 in New York, 1,800, 522, 4700, Wyoming, or visit www.w www.1-800 gambler.net and it's Virginia. Got it. That was impressive. Can I add one more dumb rule? Yeah. No sliding. You can't slide anymore.

A lot of these are like anti-player safety, I feel like. We're just trying to get rid of quarterbacks altogether. Defenders are petrified to get near somebody who might even think about sliding. You can't slide. You've got to dive head first, and if you do slide, you can get hit. If you're running with the football,

you can get tackled. That's my rule. Fake sliding back in. What would you trade? If you're a defender, would you trade fake sliding aloud if you could get rid of forward progress? And you're like,

actually, we're just going to pick Kyler up and we're going to just throw Kyler, like 30 yards back. Like, it's bad example because he just got hurt. It'd be a lot easier to do that now. Yeah. All right.

D.K., while you're gone, a lot happened. Okay. Most importantly, we decided we have to nickname Tony Pollard. So we got some really good entries. Someone suggested Hannibal Lecter because he's in the movie for like 18 minutes, but he's the star of the show, which I really liked. Someone basically said Mono Genoble, which I love because it's like second best player,

don't know why he's on the bench. We got a really good one, though, from Derek. And this one's up there with the Hannibal Lecter. Since Dion Sanders is primetime, we should just call Tony Pollard part-time. Oh, that's so good. And you can either, and it works perfectly because part-time Tony works and part-time Pollard works too. Wow, part-time Pollard. Part-time Pollard. Part-time Pollard. Part-time Pollard. Prime-time Sanders and part-time Pollard.

Someone give this man a full-time job. It's like working for Dallas. He's like log at his hours. Yeah, he's a temp. It's the only one open for overtime. Oh, that's good. Oh my God. Also, DK, we talked a lot about Brock. We made a lot of nicknames for Brock.

It's kind of difficult to explain. For Brock Pretty? Yeah. And then Craig also said Brock was like a top candidate for like if you had a movie villain right now, like a, you know, an annoying, you know, like the bad. Like a shitty boyfriend. Like a teen rom-com who's like the villain, like the douchey villain. And he'd probably be named Brock. Yeah.

We were like Chad, Hunter, Brock. Anyway, we got an email from a guy named Brock about. about us saying, like, you know, the shitty boyfriend in. I will say, Brock's are usually very attractive. So, there you go. Brock, who will go last nameless, says, I took this Tinder girl out to dinner and she had the audacity to start the conversation saying, do you think your name Brock has anything to do with your success with women?

And Brock says, I was so, I can't believe that happened. Brock says, I was so dumbfounded. I didn't know what to say. So I got up, I went to the bathroom, and I just left her. Brock move What a Brock move That's the Brockiest thing you could ever do That's why he's bro so is that like

Nomitive Determinism Is that like because he was named Brock? Yes He's like that or is it like Being in Brock In society as a Brock made him ghost Someone I think it's kind of a little bit of both right It's like being a quarterback

It's like nature versus nurture Yeah It matters who you are But it also matters where you're reinforced Your name was Yeah Yeah And how hot you are

And how hot you are Do you think if you just name your son, Brock, and he was going to be like a six. When you name him, Brock, he'll end up a seven. Just by God's will. He's like, oh, you named your kid Brock. We'll up him a point. Yeah.

You want to broaden your kid's shoulders? Name him Brock. That's pretty good. Higher T. Yeah. Speaking of names. Higher T. Got any of your email.

Just a T boost, Brock. T boost. Hey, guys. So while back, you guys talked about the last name Johnson, and I believe it then snowballed into a conversation about names that mean penis. And this week, Craig and Hyfitz brought up how the name Peter means penis. And now I know I had to send this email because, as you can see from my email address, my name is Peter Johnson. Oh, yeah. And he says, I was 12 years old when I realized I was named penis penis. Dick squared. In college, I was regularly called Dick, Dick, and people were very disappointed when they saw my middle. I appreciate the lack of effort into that nickname. I like when things are stupidly simple,

I'm creative. He says, my middle initials are, but it doesn't stand for Richard, which people were upset about. He says, I found out my name was penis, penis because we'll play on my youth football team,

we would yell, Peter, Peter, Peter, to stay away from a punt. And for years, I thought it was just a coincidence. Maybe there was a famous Peter who was a punter or something, But no, it's because the old school football players yelled this so that you run away from the Peter, Peter, aka the penis.

And yes, this is a little troublesome in the year 2022. Oh, I see. It's a bit of a homophobic thing. I got it. It's almost like the football players in the 40s weren't very progressive. So good old Peter Johnson here says, again, I'm 12 years old and I go home and I confront my parents about why they named me penis penis. And he said, how could they? they claim they didn't know

they claim they just liked the name. Sure, my mom, fairly innocent, didn't grow up with the last name, Johnson, sure. What about my dad? He should have known. Who grew up in the 50s and 60s, which was the peak era for when Peter meant penis. He also played football

the whole time he had the last name Johnson. He should have already been sensitive of this. He should have known what to not name his kids. No Harry, no Richard. None of that. So let's just say, I won't make the same mistake with my kids. you from Peter Dick Dick Johnson. P.S. I'm in last place in both of my leagues, but still love the pot. Hell yeah, brother. We should send those people some merch. If you're in last place and you're

listening to like a week 15 show from us, you deserve something. I just think it's funny. The name Dick is literally like a very common name. People who call their children Dick. Well, any more though? No, Richard's kind of cooked. My dad went by Dickie when he was growing up. Yeah, but who's the youngest kid alive right now who goes by Dick? That's a good question. I don't know. If you know anybody who goes by Dick, email us. The chart for the last 50 years of people naming their kid Richard is probably saying to

like the chart for like FTX stock from like the last like five weeks. It's just like that shit just, you know, just like it's just there's a cliff. I think Dick is going to make, I think it's going to make a comeback. FTX or Richard? Dick. The name Dick. everything comes around like eventually someone's

could be like I'm gonna name my kid Dolly I have a question why is the word Johnson a nickname for a penis that's a good question

we should look that up there was uh you guys you guys are probably too young for this but when I was growing up there was a very famous

like t-shirt line called Big Johnson and it was like all these puns on like a guy like a guy with big dick essentially my the people born in like

the early 80s are going to know exactly what I'm talking about. You guys will not know, probably. There's a big, Big Johnson and Coed Naked. We're like these two t-shirt lines that everyone my age loved. There's a theory that Johnson originates from, I guess there was the name of like the big levers they had to do on the railroads. I guess that was named to Johnson.

That's a theory. I don't know if that's the reason. Guys, I grew up a huge, huge fan of one Randy Johnson, Mariners pitcher, Mariner's power pitcher, he's 6'10. They called him the big unit.

Yeah. One of the best nickens is that why? Well, I don't know. I never thought about that. That was in backyard baseball. His little nine-year-old self was in backyard baseball as the big unit. Is that why?

That's right. Randy Johnson. Randy Dick, the big unit. Oh my God. Isn't he just like a photographer now? Yes. Yeah. The Randy Johnson fastball bird video is

maybe one of the top ten sports videos that there is. Just crazy. That is amazing. Fun fact, Randy Johnson, born in Walnut Creek, California. You know who else was? Me. Craig, the small unit world. Medium unit.

Average unit. Slightly above average unit. Average unit, but can still get the job done. Perfectly acceptable unit. It's how you use it, unit. The motion in the ocean unit. It's perfectly fine. the serviceable unit

the you should get to know him unit he's funny unit he's got a good personality unit he's kind he's kind unit nice guy boyfriend material unit fiance material

that's right put a ring on it I can't laugh I'm stifling my last because if I start laughing I'd start coughing And I apologize for that. But this is funny. All right, well, let's get the fuck out of here.

Okay. All right. Thank you, TK, for surviving. Thank you, Craig. Thank you, Kai, for production help. Thank you to everyone for various ideas that I stole NFL rules from Roger Sherman, et cetera. Thank you for listening. Thank you, everyone for emailing.

Email for email for email.com. If you have any thoughts on my rules or, my God, anything we just talked about, woof. Thank you, Lorne. Lauren. Thank you, Usher. And also thank you guys for covering for me last couple of episodes. I appreciate it.

Sorry, I missed it. I had big time FOMO as I was laying in bed, being miserable. You're welcome. We literally had no choice. Also, you were like texting our text chain during the show you doing like the trivia stuff. I was just like, damn it, I missed this. We did have to make you feel a little phoma. Yeah, I felt like I was a little bit part of it, so that's good.

Yeah, we actually talked about it on the pod that we were texting the group. Oh, did you? Nice. We didn't know what to do with the bands. Yeah, what did you get? How did you end the, how did you end the pod? It didn't occur to us till we got there. And we were like, oh, did you guys name bands?

Well, we had an inside joke about walk a flock of flame for one episode. So he was the band choice. And then the other episode, what did we do? I think I shouted out Midland. And then we had Kai shout out Arctic Monkeys. Is that what Kai shouted out? No, it was Jesse. Jesse shouted at Arctic Monkeys.

And then because Kai had a story that he had met Waka Flaka at an airport once. Oh my God. Which we didn't say on the pod, but Kai, our producer right now, met Waka flaka at an airport. He said he was really nice. We were like, do you go up to it be like Waka? Flocka? Excuse me, Mr. Waka? Mr. Flame?

And he's like, Mr. Flame was my father. Call me Waka. Call me Waka. all right goodbye everyone