The Ringer NFL Show - Ranking RBs and WRs Over 30, and Training Camp Story Lines as Told by ‘Zoolander’ (LIVE!)

Episode Date: July 31, 2024

The guys talk all things fantasy football (and the NFL) in front of a sold-out crowd in Los Angeles! The guys open by going through some of the biggest training camp story lines, as explained by quotes from the movie ‘Zoolander’ (3:14). Next, they play a game of 20s or 40s? to determine which veteran fantasy stars are still attractive draft picks this season (17:35). Along the way, they determine how the D.I.C.A.P.R.I.O. system (Decline in Carries After Productive Rusher Is Over 27) applies to their favorite aging RBs (35:06). Finally, they close with an Oreos taste test and a special (in-person) edition of emails (50:15). Check out our 2024 Ringer Fantasy Football Rankings here! Email us! [e-mail] The Ringer is committed to responsible gaming. Please visit www.rg-help.com to learn more about the resources and helplines available. Hosts: Danny Heifetz, Danny Kelly, and Craig Horlbeck Social: Kiera Givens and Jack Sanders Producers: Kai Grady and Isaiah Blakely Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi, I'm Tara Palmieri. I'm Puck's senior political correspondent and host of Somebody's Got to win. Brought to you by The Ringer and Spotify. The 2024 election has been upended with Joe Biden off the ticket and Donald Trump facing a new challenger, Kamala Harris. If you want to hear what the insiders are really saying about the race, join me Tuesdays and Thursdays as I break it all down with lawmakers, journalists, and political strategists. We'll go deeper than the headlines to the anxieties at the highest levels of power. And of course, we'll chew over all the hot political gossip as we head into this historic election. Be sure to follow. Somebody's got to win at Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. Live show.

Such a showman, Hyphus. My name is Danny Heifitz, and I am joined by Danny Kelly and Craig Horlebeck. And all of you came here tonight. Thank you, everybody, for coming. Please give yourselves a round of applause. This is awesome. Thank you. Monday, Tuesday.

Wednesday and Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Saturday, Sunday. That's a blackhead piece. So there has been, dude, don't even, I don't want to, that's the theme of the whole show, is that how old we are. There's been a six-week residency here at the L. Ray Theater. So six-ringer podcast, the last six weeks. This is the last one. So first of all, thank you to everyone for coming tonight.

Thank you if everyone's come to multiple. And also just thank you to everyone here at the L-ray Theater who has been amazing to work with. honestly Bailey Owen Carrie thank you to everyone at the ringer and Spotify Elizabeth Fehrman Helen Charlie Tessa like everybody here tonight

like thank you so much it takes so many people to put this together thank you to the bartenders who are like the gentleman's piss club back there with the bar we got

they let us do it phase one is complete we asked did not think they would like do it like the gentleman cloist box on the rocks the maestro?

How do it? Myestro. Fuck. Mike the Headless Chicken, the Yankees swap, the porn of the woods. So thank you. I had a Yankee swap earlier. It's really good. Rest and peace.

The drink. Literally, yeah. And also, of course, special shout out to Amazon Prime. Amazon Prime. Yes, Amazon Prime, baby. Amazon Prime is the presenting sponsor for tonight. My fiancé Flex. She's here today.

She's here. in the house. She ordered something from Amazon Prime to the hotel. It came in six hours. Shout out Amazon Prime. It literally came in six hours. Shout on Amazon Prime. We have a lot of fun stuff.

Oh, what? Just want to keep singing Monday. Tuesday. Yeah, we've got a lot of fun stuff for tonight. We have a couple surprises. Thank you to everyone who emailed us before the show. Right. But we wanted to start with a little training camp news because there's a lot of stuff

going on. and one of our favorite things to do is to explain all the Mishigas of Training Camp through movies and movie quotes. Oh, voice crash. Jesus Christ. You just turned 30.

Fuck. That was legit. You take it over, Craig. Yeah, we've done a couple in the past. We like comparing movie quotes to Training Camp News. And, you know, we're in L.A. This is the movie capital of the world. So,

Hyvitz, weren't you making the point that L.A. is the only city where you go go to a bar and if there's two TVs, one is playing sports and the other's playing a movie. Yeah. It's like one has an NBA game and the other's movie, the other screen has like master and commander. One of my first dates. One of my first dates with my now wife Liz who's here. Flex.

We were at some bar in West Hollywood and American Psycho was playing at the bar and we just like watched the entire movie. And that was one of our first days. It was just watching American Psycho. And you guys are getting married? And we're married. So it worked out. That is even better than you guys meeting by sliding her DMs on LinkedIn Pro. Can you imagine if we did American Psycho Quotes for Training Camp News?

We're not doing that. We're going to do Zoolander. Yes. People have seen that? Who's here seen Zoolander? Thank God. If you haven't seen it, hopefully. Ben Stiller Owen Wilson play male models.

Will Ferrell's in it. It's hilarious. Watch it. DK kick us off here. Yeah, yeah. So watching the movie last night, every time I saw Hansel, I was just getting Owen Wilson.

Yeah, who was Owen Wilson. I was getting a lot of Aaron Rogers vibes. There's a scene where Zoolander is like talking shit to him and he's like, we got to his Derrick League campaign. Sorry he didn't book it. He's like, oh yeah? I never even heard of it.

Me and my friends have been too busy bathing off the coast of St. Bartz with spider monkeys the past two weeks. Tripping on acid changed their whole perspective on shit. He definitely watched Zoolander in like 2020. He's like, this is me now. Aaron Rogers like Sees himself as Hansel

Like a Renaissance man who's just really Artistic and cool There's another scene from the movie where he's like So I'm rappelling down Mount Fasuvius when suddenly I slip And I start to fall just falling Ah! Ah! I did that pretty well. Does that Owen Wilson? That was good. That was good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It worked. I'll never forget the terror when suddenly I realized

Holy shit Hansel. Haven't you been smoking peyote for the past six days? And couldn't some of this maybe be in your head? And you know, what? It was. That's totally fine. I haven't even been to Malvasuvia. I've never been to Al-Fusuvius. Yeah, obviously. Rogers ditched mandatory OTAs to go on vacation to Egypt.

Check out the pyramid. Super normal thing to do. He's tripping on acid. Change his whole perspective on shit. I just think that all the time about that person who tweeted when he did the darkest retreat and someone tweeted Patrick Pahombs just won his second Super Bowl at 26 and my quarterback somewhere in a cabin

doing crack. And with all the All that said, I'm kind of in on the Jets. Yeah. The ayahuasca does get a bad rap because he talked about it after he played poorly a couple years ago, but he had done it in 2019 and then he won back-to-back MVP's after the Iowa.

Iow-law... Ayahuasca, psychedelics, it's ego death. Does anyone need ego death? Like, I think he's got to trim the hedges there a little bit every now and then with the ego. Like, this could be the best possible thing for the Jets. Did you guys see the video that came out today? There's been two holes.

Yeah, of Aaron Rogers fighting with his receiver, Garrett Wilson. They've been, like, getting in arguments on the field. I actually kind of love that. I'm in on it. You're in? I love it. Yeah, Garrett Wilson, the poor guy, hasn't been able to actually talk football with anybody in his entire career. He's probably finally, like, having an engaging conversation with his quarterback who knows what he's talking about.

Oh, yeah. He was like, I think people built the pyramids. And Aaron Rogers was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You know how heavy those blocks are? You should look into that. You should, you should do your own recent. You should look into that. Oh, God.

Let's love it. Yeah, he's like, Garrett Wilson has like a football peer now that he can. Like his old quarterback is literally the third string quarterback on the Broncos now. Yeah. Behind Jared Stiddle. But I feel like you have to be in or out on the Jets because it's so easy to make fun of it, though. I actually think that as nuts as Rogers is,

the Jets will get so much better on offense compared to how much the defense might decline. I actually do think the Jets will make the playoffs. I think the bills might be a little bit worse this year. like, I feel like this is their shot. The patrons aren't going to be relevant, most likely. So I think it's going to be the Jets in Miami. And for fantasy, it's kind of perfect because it's like Breesall and Garrett Wilson are the only two players you want.

You don't want anyone else. It's actually the simplest team. It's take Breesall, take Garrett Wilson, and, I don't know, mute Aaron Rogers on Twitter and don't listen to anything he has to say. Yeah, I don't think you can take Garrett Wilson high enough. I really think that. Anytime Aaron Rogers has given, like, over 140 targets to a receiver, they've been top six at the position of fantasy.

So I think Gary Wilson is going to be. I mean, he, like, was top five in targets last year. It was just Zach Wilson throwing to him. So, I mean, it should have been me. Do you think that Aaron Rogers' house looks like Hansel's house? Shea Hansel? I don't know if you remember in the movie. He goes in and there's like a half pipe.

He's like introducing everybody. It's just like this bohemian, eclectic group of people. Did you guys see the quote that Tyler Conklin, the tight end for the Jets, referred to Aaron Rogers as the Oppenheimer of football? What the fuck is that? I literally have no idea what to mean. What does that mean? How do I take that? He's the destroyer of world.

He said, He said so much of it is just trying to see the game through Aaron's eyes. And that's kind of impossible because he's the Oppenheimer of football. It's like the Meadowlands Project. My God. Speaking of the Meadowlands here, let me give you another training camp update with Zoolander. So, dude, following the Giants at this point has just been a slog. Yeah, I appreciate the spirit, my God.

So the first day of training camp, the Giants put their beleaguered right tackle, Evan Neal, on the physically unable to perform list. Isn't he, he's like one year into his career, but he's like 25. Beliegered. Felt like eons. Anyway, the Giants were like, that's okay. Right tackles hurt. Well, we signed Germain Eleanor to play guard, so we'll move him to right tackle.

90 minutes into the first practice, Germain Eleanor is like writhing on the ground in pain. So the Giants are on their third string. Start me up. Start me up. Any tizers. Two for 20. So the Giants are on their third string right tackle, like not even two hours into the first practice of the first. And it reminded me of how Zoolander, like, all Derek's friends die like five minutes into the gasoline fight.

And like the Giants O-Line, it's just like orange mocha frappuccino. And I don't want to follow his team anymore. Like, what's the song? Wake me up before you go-go? It's jitterbug. Oh, yeah. Jitterbug. By wham.

Daniel Jones is just like, oh my God. Don't you think that the orange mocha frappuccino sounds terrible? I was thinking this. I didn't know if it was supposed to sound like a bad drink in the movie or if it was supposed to sound like amazing. But to me, I'm like, orange coffee and chocolate is like the worst combo.

Well, all right, this is a tangent, but it reminds me of how, like, when you see it later, did you see that someone had a theory that Seinfeld, the bit is that Larry David thought Seinfeld should be a bad comedian in the show. But that Jerry Seinfeld never got it. Because all the parts were Jerry Seinfeld to stand up in Seinfeld suck.

All right, this is nothing to do. This is the part of the show that usually just gets... Yeah, we usually cut that shit. The next training camp storyline I wanted to talk about was Xavier Worthy, who's the rookie wide receiver on the chiefs from Texas. And the Zoolander quote that it reminds me of was when Zoolander's like,

I caught my reflection in a spoon while I was eating my cereal. And I remember thinking, wow, you're ridiculously, ridiculously good looking. Maybe you could do that for a career. And I just feel like that's the narrative. Like, as soon as Xavier Worthy went to college, it's like, wow, you're ridiculously fast.

You should just maybe do that for your career. Do that for a career. And like, now he's on the Chiefs and everyone's like, oh, he's the next Tyree Kill. And at first I was like, that's ridiculous. And now I'm kind of like, you know what? Maybe he will be. What is it?

You know the bell curve meme? and it's like at the beginning of the bell curve, I feel like it's like the casuals being like, whoa, like Xavier Worthy's on the cheese. Like, damn it, they're going to be really good. And then the middle of the bell curve is like all the stat nerds being like, wow, the 40 time is overrated. He was actually not very good on deep.

He's underst. He's on the side. He's on the side of the side. I said that a lot, actually. I said that a lot, actually. And then like the bottom of the bell curve on the other side is like NFL coaches being like, fuck, they just got the fastest one of the week. Dude, that's what has been like watching the Giants Hard Knocks,

where, you know, all these, like, when we first started doing this, like, eight years ago, I was always like, you know, these guys, and it's true for some of them, like, have forgotten more about football that we have. We'll never know. Like, it's just such a different level of analysis. And then sometimes it's like, you see Brian Dable, like, we got to hire Shane Bowen as coordinator. Like, they ranked fourth and run defense last year. And it's like, watching Joe Shane. And it's really the chief's like, that guy runs a four, too.

And we have Mahomes. And that's got it. Yeah, what's the, D.K., what was the stat about, like, the Chief's average depth of target? There was two players that were lower in the NFL last year in average air yards per target. And it was Joe Burrow, who was like hurt the whole time, just trying to get rid of the ball as fast as possible. And then his backup, Jake Browning. And so it was that Mahomes was second to last, essentially, in air yards per target. It was just a bunch of screens.

And by the way, Xavier Worthy has been blowing up to the training camp. Like there's a new highlight every week. I'm starting to get really excited about this. Him and Hollywood Brown, who I still love, by the way. I'm actually getting very excited about the Chief's offense. It's like back to Occam's Razor, you have Patrick Mahomes.

Fast guy, yeah. Right. Get ball. Should throw it deep. All right. One other Zoolander training camp update here. I actually think the best bit in Zoolander is that Derek Zoolader has like eight model faces he makes

and they're all the same. Yeah. But he has different. Like, they're like, is Blue Steel, Latigra. Ferrari. Ferrari. And then we're working on Magnum. And then Will Ferrell's Mugatu.

And he's like, they're all the same look. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. And this is how I feel about Russell Wilson being like, oh, it's going to be different with the Steelers. It's going to be a new offense. And I'm like, Russell Wilson is on his seventh offensive coordinator in eight years. And guess what? They've all been the fucking same offense.

Yeah. Like they're all the same offense. Like Brian Schottenheimer is just blue steel. Like Shane Waldrum is just blue steel. Shane Waldron is just La Tigra. Like, they're all the same. It doesn't matter who the coordinator is. Russ is too short to see over the offensive line.

And now he's too old to run around it. And that's it. And so now you have Arthur Smith. His whole thing is high percentage throws over the middle of the field. And Russ's whole thing is low percentage throws to the outside. Yeah, but what if he drops Latigra on us? Yeah, but what if he drops Magnum?

No, sorry, Magnum, Matt. He's been working on it for eight years. That's perfect. But really, though, like, I mean, shout out our buddy Nate tell you, so the stat, Russell Wilson threw over the middle of field last year literally the lowest rate in the NFL, like 6%, which is basically statistically

like a mistake. Rounding error. It's like a statistical anomaly by definition. It's like one throw game. Like yeah, the ball got tipped and it went to the middle of the field. They counted that as a middle of the field throw. But correct, when you hear that, are you, like, what do you

are you excited or? Are you aware of the phrase, any port in a storm? That's how I feel. I'm like, see, we're coming off Mason, Rudolph, and Kenny Pickett. Now we have Russell Wilson and Justin Fields. Fuck yeah. We went from a four out of ten to like a six out of ten, but I'm happy with it. Incremental progress.

Yeah, this is a one-night stand. Look, we're not paying Russell Wilson any money. We're paying them a million dollars while the Broncos are paying them 40. It's true. The Steelers are in your fuckboy era because you literally had Rothesburg. We're exploring. Yeah, and you had Kenny. Exploring the waters.

No commitment. Yeah. On the app. Exactly. Zero commitment. So, look, I'm fine with it. This will be a fun season. We'll look back on it and probably not love it.

But in the moment, didn't make the best decisions. It was crazy that they signed Russell Wilson for a million bucks. You're like, you're the starter. And then immediately traded for Justin Fields. And like, yeah, you know, like, you know, you're going to have to weigh the job, dude. I was going to say the Russell Wilson quote that, or the part of the movie that reminded me of Russell Wilson was when he goes back home. He retires from modeling and goes back and works in the mines.

He's like, I think I got the black lung pop. It's something just one sled block and he pulls his calf. Oh, my gosh. It's been one day, Russ. Yeah, Russ has already hurt. He was back today, though, six for six in seven on sevens. All right. No pads on.

Craig is literally, he's keeping track of trading camp stands. You could trade any quarterback to the Steelers and I would convince myself they're great. Isn't it the best part of football? I saw it happen in real time. Like, you literally got, you talked yourself into it in a matter of 20 minutes. Yeah, it didn't take long. Arthur Smith, too. I was like, I'm completely in.

He had Desmond Ritter. There's never been a coach we've been more out on. And then you're all in. I'm in. This episode is brought to you by Amazon Prime. Whether you're knee-deep in stats or just need that next day delivery, Prime has you covered. Thursday night football is sort of a ritual.

I love the Prime Vision, the red circles that surround the blitzers. And it actually identifies who might be blitzing before the snap. And also they have that camera feed that you can see all 11 defenders on the field, including the deep safeties. Because if you can't see what the quarterback sees, you're not really watching the same game as the players. And I love that Amazon Prime actually has all the players on the field in the shot if you want it.

It's awesome. Stream Thursday of football exclusively on Prime from streaming to shopping. It's all on Prime. Head over to Amazon.com slash Prime and get more out of whatever you're into. My next segment was inspired by Craig, who is turning 30 this week. It's, it's, yeah. You. Super stoked.

Did you guys see the happy birthday Craig and the Marquis? He did not. It was a surprise. I came from the other direction and I walked in and everyone was like, see the Marquis? And I was like, yeah, that's great.

Pretty cool. Said the name of the show. But that's very sweet. But my birthday's actually Friday. It's not today. It was weird to write that. Like happy almost Friday. Yeah, I don't know what we were going to say.

Anyway. But anyway. We have a 30th birthday inspired thing here, Craig, but I wanted to first ask you, how does it feel to be in the dying twilight of your 20s? It doesn't feel great. However, I feel like, you know what? Now I've been actually very against aging players in fantasy football,

and now I'm 30. I'm like, I feel great. So if I feel great, Cooper Cup, I've got to feel great too. So now my, like, genuinely, I'm like, I'm all in on guys over 30 now. They got, you know, they have the size. science and medicine these days, the diets? When we started this show, you were like, why would you draft an old guy

when we could just have young guys? And now we're here and we're like, dude, the young guys don't know anything. And I was like, very against all the skinny guys. And now I'm like, Xavier worthy. I'm completely, look, this is what 30 is about reinventing yourself. But so the concept for this segment is I have this theory, it's like a half theory, but in everyday life, you're only in your, you're only, there are, there are no 30s. You're either in your 20s or you're in your 40s. And like, basically it's like, you're in your 20s until you have a kid, and then you're in your 40s.

You know, if you're 34 and you don't have a kid, like, you're in your 20s. It's a state of mind. And my cousin's like 26, he had a kid. I'm like, you're in your 40s now. Yeah, yeah. So, uh, we're going to go through players in their 30s and decide if they're in their 20s or in their 40s.

Yeah. And like, in football terms, like, like, Tyree Kill is 30, but like he's the fastest person on Earth. So until he's not the fastest person on Earth, he's going to be the 20s. And then like, Miles Sanders is 27, but like,

Miles Sanders. in the 40s. Rashad Penny, 28. He retired. Rashad Penny is like eligible for AARP. I know.

Force him out. Yeah. R-I-A-A-A-R-P to Rashad Penny. Okay, so let's start here. L.A. Little Cooper Cup, Craig. Cooper Cup.

I'm all in on. Cooper Cup is 31. But that biological age, that guy's like 25. He is an health psycho. Pooka Nuku, his other, the other wide receiver on the Rams,

worked out with him. This guy's 20, Pooka-N-KUas, what, 24 years old? worked out with Cup this offseason and said he threw up every day for a week, working out with Cooper Cup at his house. Cup just seems like, I don't even know if he's a good hang because he's so health conscious. He's got to get, he gets up at like 4 in the morning.

He's like on the Mark Wahlberg. He's the guy on vacation. It's like 8.30 in the morning. Everyone wakes up. He's like, all those like hustle, all those hustle porn accounts and Instagram are like, this is what CEOs do. Yeah. Bob Iger's up at 4.30 in the morning reading the news doing the treadmill.

Cooper Cup. He's like 5 a.m. to 8 a.m. That's day one. 10 a. Every day of six days. I'm doing a month every week. You guys. Fuck, that was such a funny video.

I forgot about that. Wait, was that real? Was that a real person? I'm like, dude, I don't know if your math really adds up. That was Russell Wilson when he was trying to rehab his finger, whatever, 19 hours a day. He's like, I'm doing it while I sleep. So it's like three days every day. And we're like, that's sure.

How was he doing that while he slept? He was like a hyperbaric chamber. I think he was lying. I don't know. But, okay, so anyway, with Cup, I'm like, two years ago, this guy was the best part receiver in the league. He was super banged up last year. He had two hamstring injuries before the season started.

Then he had an ankle injury during the season. God, that sucked. And then once he got healthy, the last six weeks of the season, he was, him and Puka were top ten guys. I'm like, I don't think it's that crazy that these guys are like, can both be top ten, top 12. Waddle and Tyreek have done it. Oh, yeah.

It happens like pretty often. Yeah, and then now in drive, Cooper Cup is going three times as late as Puka Nakua. Puga is going as like the seventh receiver off the board. Right now, Cups like 21st. Everyone wants the new thing. I mean, Puka is great, but I'm with you on this one. I love Cubs.

I feel like Cooper Cups the highest risk reward guy in the entire year because if three weeks in the season, Cooper Cupp was just like the number one receiver in fantasy, you'd be like, fuck, why didn't I take that guy? Like, you just feel really stupid. Totally. But also, he just, how many injuries did you just list out? Two hampsly, one ankle.

That's nothing. I don't want to put that. I don't want to put this on Puka because I love Puka. Yeah, I don't want him to get hurt. That guy got beat to shit. He did. He had to put on like 10 pounds of muscle to sausage. He's the 24.

He's the, he is the Josh Allen Jean of like, it's why the car insurance companies charge a lot for like 24-year-old men. Like, the way Bukukukur runs is with like no sense of self-preservation whatsoever. Do you think later around draft picks are more willing to like put their body on the line? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, right? It's in his mentality.

It's gritty. You know, you know old Randy Moss. was when he had 23 touchdowns on the Patriots? 30. What did you say? When Randy Moss had 23 touchdowns on the Patriots, he was 30 years old. This entire show is just Craig coping with becoming 30 years old. Marvin Harrison, 143 catches, a record at the time.

1,700 yards, 30 years old. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, I'm in, I'm in. Next up here, the other guy, sneaky 30 years old is George Kittle. Yeah. Niners tight end. Dude, Kittle is in his 20s. Have you seen him?

there was a picture of him at a wedding the other day he was just McAfree's wedding yeah it was right behind a couple other guys in Kyle Shanahan and Chanahan's wearing a tuxedo he looks really like done up dressed of the nines and Kittle I think it was before the wedding his shirt's already untucked he's like already done shotguns he's you know he's he's getting the party started before the wedding even starts this is like he's the type of friend that you have is basically just every time you go out he's getting in fights, he's getting kicked out of the bar.

But he's also, like, extremely competent in person, right? Yeah, he's like the type of guy who just still, like, sends it, and he's 35 years old, but he also makes, like, 300K in medical sales. What? Here's what's scoring three touchdowns against the charges, taught me about B-to-B sales.

B-to-B. It's just killing it. You got, like, three kids at home? Like, how are you out right now? Beautiful kids. I think, what do you guys think, though? So he last, what in the Super Bowl, he hurt his shoulder, and then he couldn't lifts because he had surgery. So he lost 30 pounds. And then he like regained the 30 pounds.

Like he got just got back to, he went from 2.44 to 214 to 214 and back like a week ago. 214. Can you imagine Kittle at 214? And I'm like, if he looked thin too, you could see it in his face. That's kind of weird though. Like I don't know how I feel about like the snip snap, snip snap.

I feel like that has to affect you. It's muscle memory. I've been, I like never draft Kittle because I've been waiting. I like want to be, I don't ever want to be a year late on him. I'm always trying to be a year early. Like every year I'm like,

it's going to have, he's going to drop off this year. And he never really does. The thing with Kittle, though, like I'm in on him. I think he falls into the, he's in his 20s. Like I'm still buying him.

He's so consistent, which I didn't really think I realized how consistent he was over the last couple years. He's ranked inside the top five in points per game over the last six seasons every year. And he's only had one season

essentially where he missed a bunch of games. I know. For some reason, he has like the label as injury prone, but he's really not. 14 plus games. Because he doesn't go down. He just knocks the shit out of everyone he's trying to tackle him.

But the other person who, to your point, he came about, no, sorry, not you, you just said that kid. You, I get a confused. Craig. You, what of them, I don't know. But you were just like, you're always afraid of the year, like, getting, you know, you're buying the stock at the peak. Yeah, you don't want to be a year or late.

Because that's like Travis Kelsey forever. Like, you're like, oh, I'm going to take him the one year he goes down. And then my bad, like, Travis Kelsey. I was like, oh, he hasn't been hurt in 10 years. He hasn't missed a game in 10 years and then like immediately gets hurt in week one. But Kelsey's that guy. And for Travis Kelsey, so he's what, 34 years old.

I think he's going to be 35. 35 soon. And if he's 20s or 40s, I think it's obvious at this point. Travis Kelsey's 40s in the regular season, but he's in the 20s of the playoffs. Like he's that guy who's like, he doesn't live that way anymore, but when he's on like a bachelor party,

he can still like totally send it. Like he's still got the dog at him, but he's still kind of like actually quiet like you go to his house and like, oh, you didn't have any beer in here. He's like, Frank the tank in old school. He's like, just a taste. He's so good on the lips.

That's one of the green. All right, I'll do one beer box. But Kelsey's so much better in the playoffs. The last five seasons, Kelsey averaged six more fantasy points per game in the playoffs than during the regular season, which the teams are better in the playoffs. If you prorate his playoff stuff to a season,

which you have to lose games because he's played so many, his average season in the playoffs alone would be 1,500 yards and 15 touchdown. That's what he averages. Wow. Yeah, yeah. And so they're clearly keeping Kelsey in the garage for peak performance. Like, I just think that at the beginning, not the beginning, sorry, at the end of the day.

Both at the beginning of the day. At the beginning and the end of the day. But I feel like Kelsey used to stat chase. But honestly, I feel like now they're just Kelsey's ring chasing. Yeah, I mean, a three-p has never been done. Yeah. It's funny. I feel like you don't often see, I mean, is it that common in the NFL to have like,

kind of like keeping guys in the garage into the playoffs? It's very common in basketball. Gronk. Oh, I guess Gronk. He's just the whole time is. He's maybe the only one. He's kind of like,

oh, guys are confirmed from ACL's Agent Peterson. You're like, wasn't like 15 years ago the one time? Because it's like in the NBA like, LeBron can like chill

for three quarters and then kind of like still get us 25. And the NFL it's hard. Like when you're on the field you're playing football. Like you can't like avoid getting hit.

Just running around. Yeah. My favorite Chiefs Mahomes moment ever was the Super Bowl this year. The confetti was falling. And like they just, just won back-to-back Super Bowls.

And Patrick Mahomes grabs Travis Kelsey and grabs Chris Jones is like their best defensive player and he's like guys, we have to go for a three-peat because it has never been done. And like Travis Kelsey has this crazy thing in front of him

where they, the maniacal focus in that moment to think about winning again. And if Kelsey does a three-peat, the only three-peat in the Super Bowl era ever, like Tom Brady never did a three-peat. And then on the field, then you propose to Taylor Swift, fourth ring.

And then like, you ride off for the sunset and you're like, he's the greatest football player ever. Like that's what he's thinking about. He doesn't care about 1,400 yards in the regular season. So I think that, like, if fantasy went to the playoffs, like Bill Simmons' league does, I would take him. But I feel like he's more concerned about just being the greatest player ever. So you're out.

I think he's 40s in the regular season, 20s in the playoffs. Yeah, but, like, isn't he still your number one tight end in your rankings? Yeah, he's good, though. Okay. But I ranked him late enough that, like, I don't, I put him late enough that I don't think you'll get him. If Kelsey, if they three-peat, and he proposes to Taylor Swift, that'd be crazy.

Yeah, I feel like he is on the cusp of like Apex Mountain all time. Like, just kind of like. The highest, the Everest APEC now. Think of someone who's like had a better two years. Also, if he wins three street Super Bowls and proposes to Taylor Swift. It's a three-peat that starts with beating your older brother in the Super Bowl and ends with you proposing to the most famous woman in the world.

That is. And then he sells this podcast for 100 million. Yeah. That's, I mean, that's, thank you. Shout on Amazon. rhyme, thank you, yeah. Where he's hosting a game show, I believe. Are you smarter than a fifth?

Or it's like, are you smarter than a celebrity? I believe he's hosting. We'll see. All right, next up here, 20s or 40s. Joe Burrow, who is having, once again, a weird offseason. The guy can't have a normal training camp. It's always something with this guy. It is always something with this guy.

It's always fucking something with Joe Burrow. This is year five of the Burrow era. We have year one, COVID, so he didn't have a training camp. Year two, he tore his Azeel. Year three, he had appendicitis, so he missed a bunch of time and lost weight. Who does that? Last year he had a calf strain, which, like, ruined the first half of his season, as you talked about earlier. And then this year, he has this bizarre wrist injury.

He's just like your friend who always just has an ailment. There's always an excuse. I have my – shout out my friend Roe. Do you guys have a friend who, like, every time you're on a trip or something, they always have some weird excuse why they're not drinking? And it's like, I might have – this guy right here. Yeah, this guy is like – He's like, what the fuck by –

He's like, dude, no, I'm not. Yes. Fuck you. he's holding a beer right now. I know. But it's like, my friend Rowe is like, oh,

I'm on antibiotics. And then it's like, oh, I might have IVS. And then it's like, I have to get blood work done tomorrow. And I'm just like, dude,

he's like, I'm going to cleanse. Yeah, I'm just like, Joe Burroughs. I'm fasting. Burrow is 27 years old, definitely in his 40s.

Yes. He's on the Stafford track where it's like once every four years, like he'll be healthy and they'll be awesome. But most of the time, and it's a bummer

because I love Burrow and he's awesome. You guys are bumming me out. Now that we're a week removed, you can admit that the M&M hair that Joe Bird did as a midlife is a mid-career crisis. Absolutely not. Well, not.

Did you hear about... I love the hair. Did you hear why they did it? Him and the lineman, it was like a bet. You guys fake? That was on the internet. I can't confirm that. It sounds right.

I heard Burrough say in an interview. He was like, B.J. Hill and I think that's his name. He's like, I told him like, if I dye my hair, blonde and buzz it, like, will you? He's like, sure. So I did it. I don't know why that came up. It feels like maybe an excuse that they're crafting.

That's even dumber than I thought. It's just. But yeah, I don't know. The vibes are weird. The quotes around Burroughs' wrists are so tough. Like the head coach, Zach Taylor, is not allowing him to practice three days in a row.

Not great. No. There are some quotes from Burrow. He's like there are good days and bad days, and it doesn't really seem like there's any rhyme or reason to it. Okay. Not great. Yikes.

That's like an older person saying that. He's like, you're in your 40s. He's like, sometimes the knee flares up. And he's like, another quote from Burrow. He's like, sometimes the ball doesn't spin the way I want it to. So we're still working through that. Jesus. Like we play in a month.

Doors open in a month, bro. They were interviewing like surgeons. An orthopedic surgeon is like, I would expect him to have on and off problems from sorenness for a year. Not great. And then ESPN's Ben Baby, who covers the Bengals. was like, of all my research, I couldn't find a single other quarterback

in the history of football who has suffered this injury. It's only linemen in linebackers. And they don't... They don't throw. Yeah, it's a bit different with the wrist for an O-Lineman. So, I don't know.

Hyvids got me on this trend where Hyvids has Jamar Chase ranked super low. He's super low on Burrow. He was the sixth quarterback, he was... Jamar Chase was the sixth rank receiver with Joe Burrow.

He's 39th without Joe Burrow. Yeah. Why would I take Jamar Chase with my first round pick? Dude, did you say, You said, you said Zach Taylor, the Bengals head coach, he's not allowing Joe Burrow to throw three days in a row, right? It's not Joe's choice.

Jake Browning is kind of sick. Okay, but what do you think about this? Like, lowest A dot in the league, I heard. I mean, yeah. Well, lowest Addaup, but he's basically Patrick Mahomes. Right. Right. Yeah, yeah. Seriously, what do you think Zach Taylor was told that he was like,

oh, okay, he can only, he can't throw three days in a row. Like, someone told him the details, and he was like, okay, yeah. Three days is bad. Burrow is already, like, like 37 year old Ben Rathesberger, like he won't run play action. He like, he only stands in shotgun now.

He doesn't want to turn his back to the field. The park and bark. The park and bark. He's Adel. He's like the old guy at pickup. He's like, we're not doing full court. Like,

that is absolutely a thing. Oh my God. I'll pick my spots in the paint. I actually remember like in my 30s playing pickup basketball. I'm like, Jesus, it's like really hard to run full court.

When did you feel like you started to notice a real decline? physically. Well, first of all, fuck you. I'm just saying. Was it 29.9? Unless you say you are physically at your peak right now. No.

Athletically, I'm saying, when did you see the dip? Like 30s. Early 30s? So, yeah, yeah. I'd say like 33. What do you guys think? When did you start to lose it? Yeah.

32. Okay. That's where I'm at. That's the mindset. I'm in my time. Yeah. 20s are a state of mind. So, speaking of state of mind. Full court sucks. Speaking of state, so there are running backs, too, that are old.

But I feel like the running back curve, running backs age like milk. Like, it's not 30. It's not quite right. So Alvin Camara had this incredible quote the other day because Alvin Camero wants a new contract from the New Orleans Saints. And Alvin Camer gave this quote to ESPN. And Alvin Camer said, there's like a reluctancy to commit to an aging body at this position. but my bones don't hurt, my legs are working, my hands work.

I don't feel like I have aging running back body syndrome. I love that. My bones don't hurt. My bones don't hurt. Can you describe your pain? My bones. Bones. My bones are aching.

So they're a meme like, ooh, ow, yow, my bones. You know what I mean? Does anybody know that? I know my one friend is here. He knows that meme. Yeah. Yeah, that guy knows it too. You're now my friend.

I feel like, by the way, we were talking about it. the show, half of our show is just describing memes. Is that good? It's good content. Everyone showed up to hear it described a belt curve. That's how you know, we're in our 30s. My bones. Speaking of describing a meme, I basically wanted to do the Dennis from

It's Always Sunny meme because it's like, we have to rebrand aging running back body syndrome. You guys are familiar with the Dennis system from the Dennis system? Yeah, okay. And basically, we realize like we should just call it the DiCaprio because NFL teams just treat NFL running backs like Leo DiCaprio treats his girlfriends, where it's like nobody, nobody over 27,

like you're out. And so it's the Decaprio decline in carries after productive rusher is over 27. There it is. Decaprio. We're describing an acronym. And yeah. We can workshop that. We legitimately tried to get a giant whiteboard to have them.

We were like, yeah. How do we do that? Do we get like an Uber XL? Yeah. No, it didn't work out. But the DeCaprio, though, is really common. But now that we're old, I think that we actually truly, Craig and I subconsciously try to talk ourselves in to all the old running backs. And we kind of looked up and we're like, is this because we're fucking 30 now?

My bones don't hurt. I'm 30. Oh, my God. Can you imagine, like, the injury report? Bones hurt. Soar bones. Soar bones. That'll be burrow next year.

Oh, I can't laugh because I've, like, truly hurt myself, like, toweling off getting out of the shower. Like, I had, like, I've, like, fucked up my neck from toweling off. And I don't even have hair. Like, I don't. It is true, though. You know, running backs and Leo's girlfriends never get a second contract. No.

Can't commit. Second contract. So, for Camara. No, don't turn 27. You're so sexy. Oh. So wait, are we in on Camara? Well, Camara.

So I think Camara's out on the Saints. Because I think the Saints and Camara, like that friend group, like, they were really close in high school. And now they kind of look back and a lot of times gone by and they're like, we don't have anything in common anymore. Like Camara's like, he had Drew Brees and Sean Peyton and Michael Thomas. And now he looks at the Saints and he's like, fucking Trevor Penning is the worst left tackle in football.

And Derek Carr is his quarterback. He's like the worst hang in the history of Hags. And Camara is just like, God. And they're like, do you want to see each other and like get lunch? and Camara's like, no. What are we going to talk about? All we can do is reminisce. Yeah, old stories.

Remember the six touchdowns at Christmas? Like, dude, that was four years ago. They were asking him to tell him about the war. Yeah. But the Saints really are the worst. Like, I think the Saints are that team. If I had to pick one team to just fall off, it's the Saints because it starts in the offensive line.

And it's like the, Trevor Penning is probably the worst left tackle. They have a rookie. He's playing. Yes, because they are the right tackle. Ryan Ramick is going to have to retire. So they have to leave. Fouaga at Oregon State, the rookie at right tackle. That's plan A.

If those guys get hurt, the Saints are like non-competitive. Derek Carr, they own $50 million still. He's literally the worst quarterback in the NFL under pressure. Like, this is the worst plan. And so I just look at this team and I'm like, someone wrote us an email and they were like, whatever, card, whatever. And they were like, what teams do you want to avoid? And I'm like, the ones where four weeks in, you're going to watch and be like,

what the fuck was I thinking? And I think that that's Camara, though. Like, they're already phasing him out. They have new play calls for the first time at like 20 years, basically, since Sean Peyton left. And I don't know. So you're out. I'm kind of in on Camara. Why? No one else can stay healthy in their backfield. Do you want to watch

that team? Holden. No, not really. That's not what fantasy's about. I was good. We were going to talk about Kendra Miller being a sleeper, but he got hurt during warmups. I'm like, I can't do it anymore.

Dennis Allen, the coach of the Saints, they were asked him at Kenji Miller's injury. He's the backup running back to Camara. And Dennis Allen was like, that's a player that has to stay on field. You can't make the team of the training room. Dennis Allen is mean. He's the meanest coach. He's tough.

He's like a dick. You know what's funny? All this stuff you said about the Saints is true. Last season was a mess. Derek Carr had three separate shoulder injuries and like literally couldn't throw the ball past 10 yards, which is why. I mean, Alvin Camero was a top five running back in fantasy last year. He got 12 passes.

He got 12 passes in a game because Carr's shoulder hurt. Camara like after the game was like, this fucking sucks. I don't want to do this anymore. That was when he was good. I think it was you'd keep the ball. I don't want it. I don't rolling it back. I think it was 13 catches for like 39 yards.

Yeah, he was literally like miserable. But yeah, the body language, like if we're doing body language detective or whatever, like every time Camaro would catch a ball, I'd be like, if we had a manifesto, like Bill had a gambling manifesto, I'd be like if a quarter, if a quarterback's receivers were tweeting about him during games in September of last year, don't fucking take people from that team. Yeah, Camara is the biggest test of the like volume is king in fantasy football idea. It's like if you truly believe that. But draft Alvin Camara.

I mean, again, the situation is kind of exactly the same. And he was a top five running back last year. But they have a new offensive court. No, I'm not getting sucked into this. I'm in. Well, you're 40. I'm in. Get started on you.

I have a different perspective on age. Yeah, wait, what are your thoughts on 30? Will you have any advice for Craig in his 30s? Yeah, so I got two words for you, Craig. Compression socks. Two words. Sore bones. You don't know how to avoid sore bones.

Compression sucks. I feel like, do you have a doctor? Yeah. Like, you need to get a doctor. I have a doctor. A primary care physician. I have one of those. And like, he knows who you are.

I don't, I mean, he sees a lot of people. Do you have a relationship with him? No. Okay, you need to do that. Let me see what else. When stuff starts to hurt, it's because you hurt it when you were like 21. Towling off. Oh.

Yeah. Like, did you hurt your ankle when you were younger? No? I did. I got crossed up in gym class by the starting point card of the basketball team. There's a whole story there, I'm sure. You prepared a whole list for me. Do you know what the two numbers are in your blood pressure?

There's two of them. I do you know what they mean? Do you know what they mean? I know they're not supposed to be high. I'm usually like... What do they mean? I've always wondered this. I'm usually like...

I think I'm solid, like 120 over 80? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's good. That's good. Maybe not anymore. What does that mean? Do we have a doctor here?

What does that mean with the blood pressure? Cystolic blood pressure? Diastolic and systolic. That sums it up. Thank you. I got to know. Thank God. It's bad to be high, right?

It's systolic and diastolic. Custolic is contracting heart. Diastolic is relaxing. Okay, this is a diastolic podcast. I hope that you like the music that you like right now because you're not going to like any new music We were playing black eyed bees Before we walked out here

You're just going to keep playing the old hits The new stuff is weird They don't make them like they used to That's true The shit's formulaic It's not true actually But it kind of is I think they've actually done studies

is that like the older you get, you're like, the new stuff sucks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I feel like it's, whatever music you were listening to in high school, I feel like is the music that sticks with you the most. Yeah. Right? Yes.

With technology now, it's the same thing too, because I'm like, dude, that Motorola razor was sick. I don't feel that way. I'm like, iPhones rock. You think a razor was cool? You had the sound of a Motorola razor? Did you have a Blackberry? No.

No. They had a full keyboard. Yeah, who thought that was a good idea? I played brick breaker on my dad's Blackberry. Dude, snake on the Nokia? Yeah, I had the LG rumor. It slid up, like, it was horizontal. There was one that would, like, flip, like, it would go in a circle out.

Sidekick. Yeah, those are cool. Remember the LG chocolate? Yeah. Oh. This is a real there there, grandpa. That felt like looked like a nightclub. Do you remember the Zoolander phone?

God. Yeah. It's me. Mori. What the shit are you talking about? And then finally one last thing. Look, I know that you guys own your condo, but homeownership. Okay.

For the homeowners out there, it's literally just moving one piece in the house or yard to another place in the house or yard. So you're going to move something from one place to another for the rest of your life forever. It's just moving things back and forth. Yeah. There's a pile of something there. You're going to move it over there. And then if there's like a piece of furniture, you're going to move it that way. Okay.

You're going to move dirt in your yard. Okay. That's all of it. That's the rest of your life. That's the point of life. You just have to move stuff around forever. If they need logs, and they need logs.

That's an inside joke with Danny. What's that? I'm telling you, that's like all I do on the weekend is like, I got to move that pile of shit. Just don't do it. Which I had already moved earlier. Just don't move the shit.

You like stage, you stage something in the garage and you're like, well, I want my garage to be clean. So now I got to fucking move that pile to somewhere in the yard. And that leads to the injuries. And that's how we built the pyramids. Just moving shit back and forth with the aliens.

And then you're like, talking to your doctor, you have a good relationship with now. And you're like, yeah. You know your doctor's name? Yes. What is it? Casey. First name basis?

Yeah. Whoa. He's younger than me. Wow. Do you trust that? Yeah, I mean, he was educated. Okay. I did that thing where I looked up like where he went and stuff.

I'm like, solid. The first doctor I had after I turned 18 is... This is really getting psyched right. We're so off the rails. The first doctor I had after I turned 18, my friend Matt, who's in the crowd, knows the story. But basically, he went to school in Guadalajara, and he was the doctor in impractical jokers. That was my doctor. That was your doctor?

It's been in like 20 episodes of impractical jokers. And I'm like, you know when you go into his office and, like, talk about your blood work? And he's just like, I shit you not. every time it's just like, have you seen impractical jokers? And he's like, that's me. And then we didn't really get to my blood work. I have a new doctor now. Anyway, where are we talking about?

Decaprio. Yeah, yeah. Okay, another running back over 30. Derek Henry. I love Derek Henry this year. He's 30 years old, but he's going to feel young again. He's in Baltimore now for those who are just tuning in. I think he's going to reinvent himself.

I really do. this guys have been in the worst situation ever. The last two years in Tennessee, the Titans were nearly last in yards before contact. And yet Derek Henry was top 10 in yards after contact, as in he was getting hit early and going down late. Dude, he was that American rugby player this week. Yeah.

That was super cool. And it's like now, okay, so now he's in Baltimore. Baltimore, number one in the league in yards before contact, as in like the running backs on the Ravens don't get hit for a long time after they get handed the ball. They don't get touched for a long time. In large part because of Lamar. Yeah, right.

They're changing up their offensive line a lot, but like, I still feel like Lamar just creates a gravity. The threat of Lamar. I noticed said this before and I don't care. I was at Ravens camp and I think in week one, like the actual things you'd be paying attention to in week one. The kickoff is new and it's going to be weird, but of actual aesthetic things,

Lamar Jackson standing next to Derek Henry is so fucking cool. Like they're just so, it is crazy to think that when Lamar is holding the ball out for like a read option with Derek Henry. And you're kind of like, how the fuck are people going to stop this? It's really cool. Yeah, and like they love running in the red zone. That's a car boss favorite thing is he wants to pound the rock in the red zone. And to be honest, Lamar does actually doesn't really run in the red zone.

And I think they want to keep him healthy. Because he's sick all the time. He's socially distancing. Yeah, he has diarrhea. Are you worried that Henry's going to get sick because he's always like. He's around Lamar Jackson. You know, Lamar said this. He's like, he's like, this is weird.

I didn't get sick in college. And I'm like, This dude didn't get sick in college. Is that getting sick as an adult? I know. I don't know what's going on with Lamar. Just getting mono. Gut biome.

He's skinny now. He lost weight, Lamar, coming into this season. His bones hurt. But, yeah, it's like, Derek Henry is like discount Jonathan Taylor. I really feel that. Gus Edwards, who was the running back for the Ravens last year, at 13 touchdowns last year?

29. 29 years old. And I'm like, you're telling me Derek Henry's going to have less touchdowns and Gus Edwards? I'm not going to tell me that. You're not going to tell me that. Yeah, so I love it. I love Derek Henry.

I'm not betting against Derek Henry. I like Derek Henry a lot. The other older running back that the DiCaprio, I just keep thinking about how Zeke Elliott is back on the Dallas Cowboys. And honestly, it reminds me a lot of Robert Downey Jr. being back in Marvel. And I'm like, didn't this end already? Like, if this guy is back,

that's right. Can not possibly be going well over there? The reason he's back is because Jerry Jones, like, gave away that they wanted to draft Jonathan Brooks, right? Yeah, because Jared Jones is a month older than Joe Biden. He forgot they didn't have Zeeke. He's like, where's Zee? He just, he just

forgot that they fired him. They're like just sign Zique, sign Zee, sign Zee. Oh my God. He just saw Zika at the street. Pay it whatever. It's like a good rom-com like plot, something, somewhere in there. Tricking the, I don't know, tricking the guy, he's still there.

Yeah, the only difference is like, unfortunately, Marvel probably paid Robert Dena Jr., like 100,000, you're like $100 million. 80, but yeah. 80, right. Two movies. Plus, 80 plus. Yeah, with back end points.

And now Zieg at least is cheap. He also, he also, Robert Downey Jr. got a trailer complex or something with the, and I'm like, what is that even? Yeah, they gave him like a compound. He also would only do it

if the Russo brothers were directing. Those are the only directors he would work with in Marvel. Trailer compound. What do you do with a trailer compound? Are they stacking them? You need multiple trailers? You ever seen like the container houses

where they stack like that? Yeah. that's going to be it. Yeah. That's all. That's the whole joke. Wait, so wait, are you saying you're in on Zique or out on Zique? Are you in on Dr. Doom?

Are you out on Dr. Doom? I'm out on Dr. Doom. You're going to see it. I probably will see it. I admit it. I'll see it. Are you guys in on Dr. Doom with Robert Downey Jr. being back?

Yeah, okay. Oh, okay. One very emphatic. Upset with the sanctity. All right. Any other Decaprio running backs? So we just did the whole Decaprio thing. And now when we've listed three running backs, all who are over 20 and we're in on all of them. You know why?

It has nothing to do with the fact that we're old now and it freaks us out that someone who's 29 might be like cooked. Like totally unrelated to that. Definitely not clinging to anything. Just Derek Henry Rehmeister, oldest running backs of the NFL. Zee Kelly. We're like, yeah, it'll be fine. It'll be fine. All right.

What's next? All right. So we have a little surprised to you guys here. So we wanted to do... Ezekiel Elliott is here. Jerry Jones. Robert, Jerry Jones.

Yeah, Robert Downey Jr.'s here. No. Oh, if he is, that would be the time. No, we, um... We bring him in an hour into the show. He's been waiting outside on his compound. He's fine. It was what the trailer complex was out.

No, we wanted to do an Oreo taste test with all the little freaks. Yeah, the little freaks Oreos. And we're like, it's kind of weird if we just sit up here and you guys watch us eat Oreos. That wouldn't really work. So we had them wrap like 300 individual packs of Oreos for all of you. And they're literally being passed out right now as we speak. So there's going to be three different flavors of Oreos you'll be presented with. All fucking bizarre.

And if you have any allergies or anything, like just, you know, don't take them. I'm going to go get our oros. So we can get into a little background here because we have to vamp while they pass out like, oh, I can't believe you got. Another like the gentleman's piss club with the cloice box on the rocks. We didn't really think they'd say yes. And they're like, sure. Who got a cloister box on the rocks? Yeah, how are the drinks?

Yeah, can we get one guy? One guy? We had a whole email exchange about that. Yeah. One guy. So the Oreos. Oh, one wanted cloister box. We wanted.

So we got, what are the three? So first of this all started with Craig. Craig was just on this show is like, what flavor are Oreos with respect to Craig? I thought was like the dumbest fucking question I'd ever heard. And then you thought about it.

And you're like, what flavor are Oreos? I was like vanilla and chocolate. And then it does go deeper than that, I think. Yeah. I guess it's like an old extinct kind of chocolate. Yeah. Some old weird kind of like black cocoa or something. Nothing else tastes like an Oreo.

I think it's an alien superfood sent from the future. But the pyramids. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. It's just like, no one can really describe the flavor. They're vegan. Oh, yeah. It's the weirdest thing. Why are the Oreos vegan? How is that possible? It works with everything. Like, you could just toss Oreo in any kind of ice cream and it just gets better. So we, yeah, so then we go into this and we wanted to, we can't get over.

I was when we were doing this, they unrolled the unveiled whatever, the sour patch Oreos. Yes. And so we would like to. try all these with you. We have the Sour Patch Oreos. We have, what's the birthday cake for Craig? And we have lemon, which somehow was like the weirdest one is lemon orio. We just thought lemon was fucking hysterical.

Lemon was the funniest one somehow. What if we just did lemon? Lemon Oreos. This is in a meeting and just like Don Draper in front of the thing. Like, guys. So we got, where's Charlie? How are we doing on percentages? We can vamp.

We can vamp. Yeah. So the other. All right. So, yeah, we were looking, I only got one. I know. My first, all right, geez, wait a second. But my first job was actually a marketing internship.

You know those supermarkets when you walk through the aisles? There's like a little ad popping out. Oh, thank you. My job was like to place those ads. And I learned that they basically do these Oreos, I think maybe because they think they'll sell, but because they actually just want you to be like, sour patch Oreos. That's crazy. Yeah.

But I sure do love original Oreos. and it just spikes the sale of the regular Oreos. So I don't know if these are really good or not, but... Yeah, it's like they made all these other flavors just to stop you in the aisle and be like, oh, yeah, Oreos. And then you're like, I'm just going to get regular Oreos. Literally a conversation starter. And they're like, what if we made them even weirder?

So yeah, again, Sour Patch Kids, birthday cake and lemon. We really wanted... We found they make cookies and cream Oreo flavor, which, like, doesn't make any sense to me. We tried to get those. That goes to my point that, like, I don't know what flavor Oreo is. They don't know. They don't know.

Let's do, let's do Sour Patch first. All right. All right. Don't chew on the mic. It'll be really awkward for everybody. Everybody take a bite with us if you can. Also, if you make sure that you can eat Oreos and you're not going to, you know, you're not allergic to them or anything. We're eating Sour Patch Kids first.

It's the one with like this. Sour Patch First. Sour Patch first. It's like the speckled kind of coloring. Fucking horrible. That's what we're hearing. This is an abomination. I feel like I can taste like the little sprinkles on Sour Patch Kids.

I feel like it gets more. sour patchy. Like, it starts like an Oreo with Sour Patch and it ends like Sour Patchy. Can I tell you? I kind of like them. Craig can't even finish his. I'm not finishing that. I kind of like it. Well, it's weird because they actually start sweet

and end sour. Isn't that the opposite of, isn't SaurPatch kids like, first they're sour, then they're sweet? Isn't that their slogan? This starts sweet and then ends real sour. All right, so... That's at 1 out of 10. Next up.

Wait, what are you giving it out of 10? 4.8. Okay, decimals. I don't know, like a 6.5. Okay, I'm going one. I think it's all right. One. That was so bad.

You're 11 or? What do you want to do next? Birthday cake? All right, wait, first of all also, should we sing to Craig? No. Yeah. Craig, you eat it. I need you guys to sing because I can say.

To you. Happy birthday. to you. Happy birthday, dear Craig. Happy birthday to you. How are there? Yeah. That was very sweet.

That was not a good cookie. So this is, sorry, so this is, I'm like, birthday cake, birthday cake, okay. It definitely smells like, it's really, really sweet. Yeah, it's a birthday cake. Yeah. I think the theme is I like Oreos and you're much health. I love Oreos.

I think regular Oreos are great. It's so sweet. I've always had a bone to pick with birthday cake flavor. What is it? Same with cake batter. What is the flavor?

Sugar? I'm like yelling at you. I'm like, what is the flavor? You invented it. You're the one who based? Okay, what are you rating that one? I'll go four. Yeah, I'm not as big on this one.

I'm like a three. Seven one. Okay. I like this weird little freaks. about it. Yeah, we'll vote at the end. Yeah, we'll vote at the end. Okay.

Next up and last up, this one feels fucked up. These little freaks. What are these freaks? Dude, lemon. Yeah, we're doing lemon now. This is insanely good radio. Like, what a good podcast.

Yeah, I'm not gonna lie. This could be terrible. I don't, this feels like a terrible macaron. This doesn't really taste like lemon. Emmanuel Macro and Macaroons. I don't know. hate this. I mean, I'm not going to eat it. Like, I wouldn't buy this. You imagine like craving this. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I'm still giving that like a five out of ten.

It's really lemony, I think. You don't get lemon? No, actually, I do now. All right. Should we have? What do you think? Oh, yeah. All right. So, make some noise. If your favorite one was lemon, make some noise. Lemon! Make some noise if your favorite was birthday cake. I feel like that was carried by like one guy. Yeah, yeah. He really liked it.

That guy loves those. Make some noise if your favorite was, what was the first one? Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Wow. Yeah. You guys are sickos. Vindicated.

Vindicated. Make some noise if you're actually going to buy these things. You know what they are? You know what these are? These are if the Smyranoff ice was like a food. Yeah. It's like a bit. Like your friend has to fucking eat them.

We should start icing people with these. People with the sour patch? Oh my God. My friend made me eat six sour patch kids orios. An entire package of Oreos. You're like about to like brush your teeth in the morning. That's good. He hid one in the shower.

All right. You guys want to do some emails? Emails. Thank you all for writing in. We got a ton of great suggestions and questions. I respect people who are willing to put their handwriting on the line on, you know, imprompt too. All right, let's go through. Nope.

Can't hold them in charge. All right. Let's see here. We got a... How are we doing names or no? People actually, I think a lot of people forgot to sign them. So you just, you know, shout it out. We have your, um...

Oh, if you guys could do another episode of the rewatchables, what would you pick? We could do any movie? Yeah. Stay tuned. Stay tuned. Stay tuned on that maybe, yeah. Potentially in the next week. Yeah. Potentially.

All right, let's see here. We got the Democrats got rid of Joe Biden in three weeks. Can we finally get rid of defense and kicker and fantasy? Hell yeah. We're going to see record numbers of people playing fantasy. If you'd get rid of defense. I love it. I have actually come back around.

I'm a commissioner of my high school league. I got rid of defenses and kickers. And now I have added defenses back because I actually think it's fun. One, it's I think it's fun to root for a defense. I think that's fun. And I think a little bit of chaos. I think that's fun. No, you lost.

And then I just like adding a little bit of chaos into fantasy football. But you don't have kickers? I can be talked into kickers too. I think kickers are like essential to the fabric of fantasy. And like the people want to get rid of kickers are like light. And they're like, you know, it's hard to predict the kicker thing. I'm like, that's the fucking point. Like there's reason Taco won every season of fantasy in the league.

Like I don't know. Like at some point the kickers are essential to the sport itself. Four people agree with me. There are dozens of us. Dozens! All right, let's see her. Why can't Bill Simmons win his 10-team league? P.S. Don't get fired from Johnny.

It's very simple. Bill drafts like four quarterbacks every year. Every year I can't start any of them. Bill in one quarterback league has four quarterbacks on his six-person bench, and I try to explain to him that like real NFL teams, have like two to three quarterbacks and their actual rosters. And he's just like, I don't know,

he just really wants Gardner Minchia on his bench. I don't know why. We should probably have him with the league, so we should figure that out. All right, this from Eli. We need to not tell him about Tony Pollard then. Jeez, that was a huge mistake. It's from Eli.

Eli. As a victim of Haifitz's Mike Funk Davis Crusade. A victim. Crusades. Crusade. I want to ask, who is the Mike Davis of 2024? Is it who your Mike Davis is or who any of our Mike Davis is? Poor Knollis does.

I mean, for me, it's Josh Palmer. Absolutely, Josh Palmer. I will go down with that ship. Do you have one? Let me think. Who are you got? Dude, I mean, it's probably Gus Edwards, right? He sucks.

So it's just people on his best. He does not suck. Dude, he's not good. Wow. He's not. So we're just picking chargers. players. Yeah, just the charges.

I think actually that is the right answer because Craig and I have been way too excited about the Chargers and they're going to throw... Dude, Jim Harbaugh literally is building an entire, like, philosophy around running the ball and you guys like, I love this passing off. Smoke screen. He has Justin Herbert. I don't know. He had

JJ McCarthy and Colin Kaepernick. I mean, Kaepernick could throw... But like, Justin Herbert is one of the best throwers in the league. I don't think they're going to throw the ball 18 times a game. I don't think they're going to turn into Navy. You're right. It might be like nine. All right, we got... Why do you suppose that they played Mbop in the pre-show playlist and not teenagers.

Indeed. I think it's because I fucking lost the poll 90 to 10. Because nobody knows what teenagers is. No, that's not true. A lot of people know what teenagers is. I don't. All right, this one's good.

This is from Logan. Logan. Logan. All right, belly button rings, nipple ring, lip ring. You have to have one for the rest of your life. Oh my God. Asking the real question.

the rest of your life. Belly button, nipple, lip. I'm thinking belly button. I'm thinking this is the end when he's like, you couldn't handle my midriff. I'm going belly button. That's bold.

The nipple you can see through the shirt. It's kind of an alpha move though. Someone's like you could see their nipple rings through the shirt. It's like, I don't think you'd fuck with that guy. Power move? Yeah, it's a power move. I'm going nipple. I'm going nipple too.

I want to do the lip one. It would be like in. It's the, what's the, what's the sensitivity situation if you pierce the nipples? It's better. It's better. Varying. Someone says varying. It depends.

Just have a sexual awakening. All the time? I don't, like, is it constantly, you know, being activated? Well, what is it now for you? Yeah. I'm curious. Without, what is it without it? Zero?

Nothing, normal? I don't know. Okay, well, it's, it's better. Okay. This is what I've heard. That implies, okay. Whatever. Have you ever had a piercing?

No. I just, like, stabbed myself by accident. Never, no, not a person. A dog actually bit through my earlobe one time. But I didn't have a ring. And then I had this, the cartilage. That'll age me, maybe the most, the cartilage in the early aughts. It was up high?

Yeah. What happened to you? How did they get up there? Raise your hand if you had the thing where it was like, or if you do have it with the bar that would go from one side to the next. There we go. Are you in my generation? That's it.

The industrial. Wait, so how did the dog bite the ear? I don't know. It was playing with a dog. Okay. I'm moving on. Two real, this one's from, they didn't write. Two real baseball players in a lie.

Two real baseball players? These are two real baseball players and one lie. Number one is ugly Johnny Dickshot. That might be the worst we've ever heard, or the best we've ever heard. That was one of the drinks on the menu tonight. Ugly Johnny Dickshot. I know Johnny Dickshot is real because we got tagged in probably about 400 tweets. Like 400 people tagged us in the same tweet, and it was like something about Johnny Dickshaw.

Do you think he was hot? We have a brand. I bet he was hot, right? He had to have been. Who was that other guy where his, like, nickname was the opposite of sloppy thirst. Sloppy thirsted? And he was super organized. Sloppy thirsted.

And they were like, this would be a funny bit. Let's call him sloppy. Yeah, he's actually an accountant. Yeah. Number two, we got Ben Bushyhead. Ben Bushy Head. That feels fake. Ben Head.

And three, we have cannonball titcom. Cannonball's real. They don't make him like they used to. All right, wait. Let's do. If you think, which one, if you think, if you think number one, ugly Johnny Dick shots the lie makes him sound. Yeah, everyone's, yeah. Well, you raised your hand.

Yeah, you live with it. Two is, do you think Ben Bushie heads the lie? Three, Cannonball Tickcomb. Ben Bushie heads the lie. Yeah. Tit comb. Amazon Prime's over there. Like, what did we get ourselves into?

Talking about nipple piercing? Yeah, I know. All right. Speaking of tit comb. No? I don't know how that works. All right, I don't know who wrote this, but they wrote a different question.

I'm not going to read about Quentin Johnson, but just yeah, Quentin Johnson. Don't. Just Quentin Johnson. Oh, yeah, yeah. Quentin Johnson. He wrote this? I didn't explain it very well.

I'm going to move on. I'm confused. Anyway, there's questions from someone who didn't write their name. Oh, okay. Right. Anonymous. Anonymous.

Environment is not a factor. Which sea creature would any of you most evenly be matched with in a fight? Sea creature. What does environment not a factor mean? Are we in the water with them? That's the environment. It's a fair fight. in the water.

We're in like a pool. How is there a fair fight in the water? Okay. Maybe we can stand in the pool. Oh, oh, that actually, like two, three, like, waisty water? Four feet, yeah, three, four feet deep.

I think, like, a lemon shark for sure you could beat in a fight. What about a sea turtle? Yeah. Yeah. Do you think you'd lose to a sea turtle? What about a tortoise? Those are like 700 pounds. Somebody yelled in narwhal.

That would stab you. Dude, that's like the last thing I'd pick. Ariel, like the mermaid? She kicked my ass. They did say sea creature. Yeah. It was not specifically like a real animal. Aggressive swimmers.

Yeah. Well, you're in a pool, though. You're in a pool. A dolphin? No chance. Dolphin would, like, hump you. This is like when we said that we could beat. It's a thing.

It's a thing. It's like when we said we could beat a goose. Then I won the fight. Then 98% the same DNA. It's a fight. Wait, what is the story? What is the question? What sea creature?

Where sea creature would you be most evenly matched with? I think like a medium-sized shark, but not like a great white. No. No, because... Not like a great white. They have teeth. Yeah. Yeah.

They all have teeth. They're sea creatures. Like a lemon shark, like, I don't know, like a yay big lemon shark. Yeah. Like a sand shark too. You guys remember from Jackass, the Whale shark gummer? No. Oh.

People are my generation probably ever... A gummer or a gunner? Do I have to explain to you what it is? Apparently. I feel like I already explained what Hummer was on this podcast. Oh, God. It's similar. Oh.

Like when, like, are we talking like a, are we talking like a horse just won the Is this like a horse just won the Kentucky Derby situation? What? No. Oh, I was thinking like you have to. Explain it, D.K. Whoa. We're at the gentleman's piss club.

Okay. Explain it. A gummer is. Oh, I know. Fallatio with no teeth. All right, that's a bit too inappropriate for this show. It was, I didn't make it up, it was on Jackass.

The guy got in a whale shark, his mouth, or her mouth, I don't know. I don't know. What the fuck are you talking about? It was a major movie. What are you guys talking about? You guys are too young for Jackass, I feel like. No, we watched Jackass.

I blocked that out if I, I don't remember that. All right. Anyway. One of the greatest skits of all time. Sounds great. He filled his pants. Can't miss. What? He filled his pants with like plankton or something.

I'm trying to move on. Try to move on. You like have a power point. Take the life raft. Oh, just like going down memory lane. Memory lane? Your spank back. Jesus Christ.

Which NFL team's mascot or name would be hardest to beat in a fight? Oh, this is a great question. Would be the hardest to beat? Giant. Yeah, but I feel like we could run around their legs and, like, you know, like tighten it up, knock them down. Also, similarly, Casey and Morgan. Shout out Casey and Morgan.

Casey and Morgan. They asked a similar question and they said that we could team together. So I think the three of us together. So like the Detroit Lions could three of us beat a lion. No. No shot. That would, no. The three of us could not.

That's number one. Ill-advised jet. What about the. Bill's. Are we going to fight Bill? It's Buffalo Bill. I mean, I mean, Bengals and Jaguars would be difficult. A bear would be hard. Bear. A bear. A bear. A raven? We could beat a raven. We could beat a raven. I would fucking hope we could beat a raven. Ravens are big.

Ravans are big. Arbid, do you need a fish big? Do you think we could take a Bronco, the three of us? Fuck no. Okay. All right. Just brainstorming. You're going to break in a horse? Cardinal. We can be. What about a ram? The three of us corner a ram? No, it's gonna...

You're gonna like... I saw something on TikTok where there's like a guy was like jumping over a ram. Yeah, oh, easy. 49er pickax, yeah. Any... Someone said a saint isn't fighting back.

That's pretty good. The saints have like power of God. We could kick the shit out of a saint. Hyphins. No? We could kick the shit out of a saint. We should probably on the show now.

What about the Vikings? That wouldn't know. Fuck, no. What? Three on one? No. Okay. How old is he?

Is he over under 30? All right. How are his bones doing? Soar bones. I think my bones hurt. Thank you so much to everyone for coming. This was so much fun. Thank you so much to the L. Ray Theater for, like, not just tonight,

but also the last six weeks, the whole residency. Thank you again. The ringer and Spotify, everyone who puts this on. This is, like, a lot of people have to help out to do this. Like, it's not just the three of us out here coming up with an entire, you know, gentleman's piss club that gets approved. So thank you for that, of course. Thank you so much to Amazon Prime for sponsoring this event.

Woo! And really, honestly, from the bottom of my heart, like, really, like, thank you, everyone for coming. Like, this is so cool. We, like, never take this for granted. It's crazy. appreciate you guys showing up, being able to see you guys. Thank you.

And, of course. Thank you, Lord. Lord. You lover boy. Yeah. What's the poor? Oh, my God. What's lover boy?

The song that we were singing. Working for the weekend. Right? Everybody's working. It's from Zoolander. Sorry. This is how it usually goes. For those of you who don't know why we say, Lauren,

we're referring to Lauren Michaels, the man who started S&L. And we, everyone... They thank him, every show. Once a week we get an email, like, who is Lauren? And I always tell, I'm like, we need... Every once in a while we have to remind people that we're thinking Lauren Michaels, the way that hosts do at the end of an S&L episode.

They think the band. And that's why... One day we're going to have a band at the end of our episode. We're trying to get Mariah Carey's fantasy is our intro music. So if anybody knows her... Oh, yeah, this is our best shot. Yeah.

We need her to license us. that music, kind of for free. But there's a lot in it for her, brand recognition, promotion, prestige. You know what would help us get licensed, the Mariah Carey license? If the ringer could be acquired by like one of the largest music platforms on earth. Yeah, that could work. Crease the wheels. That could work.

Let's go make a call. It's just crazy enough to work. All right. Goodbye, everyone. Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much. Thank you. Must be 21 plus, 18 plus in D.C.

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