The Ringer NFL Show - The Live 'Ringer Fantasy Football Show' in Washington, D.C.

Episode Date: August 23, 2023

Danny Heifetz, Danny Kelly, and Craig Horlbeck talk all things fantasy football in their first live show in front of a sold-out crowd at Union Stage in Washington, D.C. They open by addressing the ongoing Jonathan Taylor–Indianapolis Colts situation (2:40). Next, the guys revisit a couple of the show’s most popular recurring segments, including Name Brand, Off Brand, and The Horny Police (4:38). Finally, they close with a special (in-person) edition of emails (49:55). Check out our 2023 Ringer Fantasy Football Rankings here! Email us! [e-mail] The Ringer is committed to responsible gaming. Please check out theringer.com/RG to find out more or listen to the end of the episode for additional details. Hosts: Danny Heifetz, Danny Kelly, and Craig Horlbeck Social: Kiera Givens and David Lara Producers: Kai Grady, Elizabeth Fierman, and Conor Nevins Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Football is around the corner and we are ramping it up over here on the Ringer NFL feed in the month of August. Every week, Ben Solac and I will be bringing you not one but two extra point takens. That's right, double the trouble as we predict, debate and analyze our way through camp and the preseason every Monday and Friday. But that is not all. Stephen Ruiz and I will be coming to you every Wednesday. We'll talk about everything in the world of the NFL. And who knows, maybe Stephen will even have something nice to say about your favorite squad. Though frankly, I wouldn't count on it.

Subscribe to The Ringer NFL show on Spotify or wherever you get your podcast. And be sure to follow the Ringer NFL on Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter at Ringer NFL. Tennessee Football Live show. My name is Danny Hifitz. And I am joined by Danny Kelly and Craig Horsbeck. Hello. Do we have to identify ourselves? Do they know what we look like?

Do they know maybe I'm Danny Kelly, you're Craig Horelbe? We get a lot of tweets that people don't know what we look like. Yeah. In fact, they're very surprised. at what we look like. They're never pleasantly surprised. They're like, huh? They didn't know you look like that.

Thank you. I'm Danny. Well, thank you so much to everyone. No, in all serious, this is our first ever live show, so that means you guys will always be the first ever live audience. So honestly, like, from the bottom of arts, thank you, yeah. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you, ever for coming. I also want to shout out. Thank you to Columbia for sponsoring this event and decking us out in this merch. Shout out. Thank you, Columbia. And also, it takes like 25 people to do all this. So thank you.

We can't name everyone, but like Elizabeth Fehrman, legend, Kira David. Thank you, everyone who came out. Also, producer Kai's back there? You're going to have to find him later tonight? There he is. All right, so real story, real story. So Kai gets in, Kai got in before everyone.

He got in yesterday. He's never been in Washington, D.C. So I show Kai around. We're taking him around the mall. And Kai's points. He's like, oh, my God. That's from Spider-Man. homecoming.

Looking at the Washington Monument. We're at the reflecting pool outside Lincoln, and he's like, this is Captain America Winter Soldier. On your left. As he's eating a plain hot dog bun for lunch. Oh, my God. All right, so we've got

a fun show again. Thank you for coming. I'm sure we'll get off the rails really soon. But as always, we've got to start with the news. Jonathan Taylor, Colts running back. granted permission to seek a trade. Now, actual football news, I feel like they're like, you don't just have to get a trade.

You have to get traded to a team that will give up a pick and sign you to a deal. The cults are basically saying, good luck, go find someone. But what it really means, since we last recorded our show, and I don't want to start on such a somber note, but the whale that Colts owner,

if you don't know what I'm talking about. It's not funny. It's not funny. It's not funny. The whale's eye, but... Why's everyone laughing there? So Ersa has some extra money laying around. Yeah.

So, Jonathan Taylor, Colts running back wants a raise. Probably wants $5, $10 million. Colts owner Jim Ursay, paying $20 million to fly an orca from Florida to the Pacific Northwest. How did they fly it? I thought they were going to, like, put it in a little boat and take it through the Panama Canal and whatnot.

Go all the way around. Maybe let the whale swim. Seriously, though. that they fly a whale. Let him swim. He probably wants to stretch his legs. Jesus. It's been 50 years in a tank.

Gallo's humor here. RIP to Lolita. RIP to Lolita. So what's this mean for Jonathan Taylor, huh? Is he getting traded? Anywhere he gets traded is probably better for him, right? Like, if he gets traded to... I mean, the only teams we're going to trade for...

Maybe not anywhere. I feel like are teams that want to win now, like the Chiefs. Right. Or something. Right. And also, he's in not a great situation with a rookie quarterback who is probably not going to throw it to him very much. And they're not going to score very many points. So, yeah, if he gets traded, it's a good thing, I think.

Unless he gets traded to a team, like the Jets or something, just ridiculous team that... The Jets just keep adding. With the cats in the wall, and it's always sunny. They're like, I should we need a third and a fourth? All right. So we're going to do... We're going to do a couple segments.

We're going to do a little bit of a mash-up here. But we're going to start with a personal favorite of ours that we saved for this show. A little name brand, off-brand, with some players. Now, like everything in life, there's, you know, the name brand product, right? And then sometimes there's like the Costco, the Kirkland brand. And sometimes it's half the price, it's just as good.

And fantasy football is no different. So we're going to just run through some examples, just players, brands. Yeah, so I'll start it off here. So Nick Chub is definitely the name brand. I think the off brand Nick Chub is Rashad Penny. It's like Nick Chub is like really high quality socks. And then Penny's like Costco socks. And it's like for the first week, they kind of feel exactly the same.

And you're like, this is great. Exactly one week. You're like, I nailed it. Three wares. It's the wear and tear that gets you. And it's the same thing with Penny and Chubb, right? Chub is like 17 weeks. He's going to get you.

Harsh. What he's going to get you. Chubb's best game last year, he had 134 yards and two touchdowns, but he played 17 games. Penny's best game last year, 151 yards, two touchdowns, but he only played five. So it's like, if you want to risk it,

you can probably get the same value as long as, you know, the socks don't tear. It's a lot cheaper. We were trying really hard to figure out what the most imitation brand socks are. Is Haynes imitation brand? I was arguing that Haynes is name brand to me. Costco is... If you're buying Nike socks, if you're really bougie or whatever.

I don't think Nike's socks are that bougie. Okay. We were sitting... We got drinks yesterday when you guys got in, and D.K. looked at Craig's shirt. And D. DeK. is like, that looks like an expensive shirt. Craig's like, no, it's not. Dik is like, how much was?

He's like, $60. And Craig's like, whoa. That's because mine costs six. The Rashad Penny of shirts. I literally signed up for one of those like you can buy bulk shirts just so I can buy like one at a time. What?

I don't know how it works. Most stores offer bulk shirts. That's not like a unique thing. So I'm not special? I don't think so. Oh, okay. I had no idea. Whatever.

You will like in 10 years. You'll get it. Okay. Do you agree about T-shirts? Off-brand chub? 100%. Well, it's also, I think that's a really good comparison to because if you actually just forgot

that receiving existed and you actually just ranked running backs by, like, how good are they at running the football on carries? Yeah. I actually think Rashad Penny is probably a top 10 in the league. He just isn't a receiver or ever healthy. I feel like people are down on Penny right now. Yeah, because he's slow.

There's too much Gainwell hype, which is dumb because he's been on the team for three years and he's never been the starter for a reason. And DeAndreauce Swift also can't stay healthy and isn't like a first or second down guy. If Penny plays and gets 20 carries, he will be a top five running back in the league. Guaranteed.

Spicy. TK. got a name right off, friend? Yeah, so I'm going with, with Jemir Gibbs is the name brand. And I think he's like McDonald's. You know, he's everyone in the world probably knows McDonald. Maybe the most recognizable name. For people that have seen the movie coming to America,

McDowels, not the golden arches. It's the golden arcs. They got the Big Mac. McDowell says the Big Mick. They've got, McDonald's had seeds on their buns. Their buns have no seeds. And the seedless blind guy here is James Cook for the bills, who stylistically similar. I mean, you could make the argument.

Like, they're around the same size, both pass catching guys, undersized guys, playing good offenses in theory. Gibbs right now is our RB12, 33rd overall, Cook, RB28th overall. So like 40 picks later. Tell me the difference between them other than Josh Allen doesn't like to throw to running backs, maybe. That's a good one. Pam at the office with like corporate wants you to spot the difference between the two pictures. I actually think, I think the narrative that Josh Allen never throws to his running backs is kind of, it's a little misleading. They're actually threw to running backs quite a bit.

20% of Josh Allen's passes last year went to running backs, which was 23rd. So not great, but not bottom tier. It was around the same rate as like Tom Brady, Derek Carr. But part of the problem is that passes or dropbacks because if dividing my passes doesn't count all the times, he was just like, screw it. I'm going to risk it all and just like hurtle Anthony Barr. Like we haven't seen it out of a bills running back. We've seen it in Detroit. We've seen kind of what Dior Andro Swift can do.

Like who's the example? Devon Singletary hasn't really, you know, well, the bills were middle of the pack in rookie or sorry, running back receiving yards and receiving rate. So I think it's a little bit like just misleading. It's a narrative that we talk about a lot, but that's really not that true. The Big Mick. Yeah.

A good sandwich. The big Mick. All right. My name is an offering here. I feel like Aaron Rogers, Packers, I feel like Aaron Rogers is Google and that Jordan Love is Bing. Jordan Love's drafted to replace Aaron Rogers.

Bing is supposed to replace Google, but then nobody uses Bing or Jordan Love and then years and years go by and we all forget that they exist. And then also I kind of think, let's be real like Aaron Rogers, Google. I don't... questionable sources, where they get their information from these days.

But then I'm now the weirdo who thinks that Jordan Love and Bing are like kind of sneaky good. Are you a Bing guy? I didn't, literally I didn't know Bing is still saying. Are they, is that still a live website? Should I go to Bing.com right now? They use ChatG-G-T or GPD for whatever. They built it into Bing.

Oh, God. So it's actually, like, it's usable. Everyone's, you know, like, the crickets are worse than the laughter. Like, Bing is good. You go. All right. I'm looking at Bing right now. just like Google?

There's a website called, I think, everybody's show of hands if you use, like, Duck, Duck, Go? Oh. There's one. Two? All these people work for the Pentagon, if they... Well, that's the thing.

It's supposed to be, like, way more than, like, incognito mode. Like, it's really... I don't know. I don't know anything about it. The people who use Duck, Duck, Go are not legally allowed to have TikTok on their phones. Like, that's...

Right. So, I actually... I had considered asking Bing to compare itself, to Jordan Love? Because they AI, it can write itself? You did it. I did. So I gave it the prompt. I said, can you please compare yourself? Compare and contrast Jordan

Love and Bing and what it wrote. Oh, God. If I can find it. Great podcasting. It's going to be very wordy, I feel like. Both Bing and Jordan Love, this is written by, I swear to God, this is written by Bing. Both Bing and Jordan Love have to deal with the pressure of living up to the expectations of their

predecessors. Wow. while also carving out their own identity and style. And we both must overcome the stigma of being seen as inferior, second-rate options and show the world that they can offer something unique and valuable. Holy shit. We're so screwed as humans. However, we are not daunted by the challenge.

Rule 72, no excuses to play like a champion. Good callback. I asked it to do a wedding crash as quote. So, I don't know. I guess in all serious, though, I think that with the Packers and Jets, I know I've been like a broken record, but just think the Packers might be weirdly good in the Jets. And I look specifically at Christian Watson, Garrett Wilson.

And it's like Christian, all this second-tier receivers are like these sexy, up-and-coming receivers, Garrett Wilson, Chris Olave, his third-year receivers, like Jalen Waddle, Devontia Smith. Christian Watson's right there, but he's going 40 picks later. He's also second-year receiver as an athlete. And I've got J.G. Zachary's, who has really good stats. If you look at yards per rat run, which is like the best receiver's stat, rookie receivers who had 2.3 yards per outrun.

It's as rookies. Odell Beckham, Tyree Kill, A.J. Brown, Justin Jefferson, Jamar Chase, Chris Oliva, Christian Watson. That's the entire list. He basically just had a really hot, like, four-week stretch. Where he had like six touchdowns in four weeks. He had eight touchdowns, but that thing is, per snap, though, he was actually also really good outside

just eight touchdowns at four games. Do you think Hurt Rogers with a broken thumb last year is better or worse than current Jordan Love? I think Aaron Rogers is better. there's no question about that. What I'm saying is that I think the push-pull between, like, if you're being pulled in two different directions between Rogers and Matt Lafleur is the play caller,

and Jordan, like, Aaron Rogers is Google, right? Jordan Love is just like being AI. Like, he's just being told whatever Matt Lafleur is going to do. And that's vessel. Exactly. How different do you think Christian Watson's ranking would be if you hadn't dropped that? It would have been like a hundred yard touchdown.

A week one, the first guy. Remember it's like the sliding doors thing? Like he would be a top 15 pick if he had caught that pass. Wasn't there running, was it DeAndre's career, went down the hill. His career is like, the first game to his career, he touched on,

hit him in the chest, and he dropped it. It would have been a game winner too, I think. Yeah, yeah. There's Lions fans here. Lions fans. We got a couple of Lions emails,

yeah. We got any, thank you, everyone who sent in the notes. We got someone that was just, do the Lions have a chance this year? And I was like, you're favored to win the division.

How deep-seated is this? Oh, my God. All right, next one here. Breeze Hall, this isn't really name brand, off-brand, because it's just kind of like one comparison, but Breez Hall for the Jets,

second round guy who's coming off a torn ACL and Giovante Williams and the Broncos, another second round guy coming off a torn ACL, and MCL, and LCL. But to me, both of them are just kind of like, people who, like, don't have a case for their iPhone, right? Just people who like to live dangerously. And it's like, listen, if you want to spend a pick on a guy

coming off a torn ACL, might as well just wait until the seventh round and get Jvante Williams than doing it before. With an even worse A. Yeah. Right? I mean, their upsides are. are kind of the same here. I would actually argue that Javentz got

more upside now that Dalvin Cook is on the Jets. I mean... These are the people that, like, take pictures with their hand out a window of a moving car, or, like, hold the phone now over, like, a bridge, and I'm like, oh my God. It's like, even though the iPhone's waterproof now, I still don't get in, like, the pool with it, and there's those people who are like, no, dude, it totally works. They're, like, eight feet deep.

I try by making a movie. People play music in their shower. I drop my phone on my head, like, once a week, just reading it, you know? Oh, on your face. Yeah, yeah. It's like, head. Sorry, on my face. Yeah, yeah. No, I think you're right, Craig. And also, so much of the assumption that Brees would be better than Javante was that Brees's injury was better.

Javante Williams returned to the field first, which was kind of stunning. And like the era of the career ending injuries over. I mean, I no longer trust like old timelines on how long a player needs to come back. There's been too many examples of all these guys coming. I mean, Cam Acres, Tours, Achilles came back in five months. The same season.

If some dude's on the field, I don't care what he tore. If he's on the field, I'm in. Do you ever wonder if we're in this era of like, I don't want to make some people feel old in this room, but I'm kind of too young to remember the actual McGuire Sosa steroid race. And that cover of like them is Greek gods and this SI. That actually, to me, is like history.

Like, I don't remember that. But there seemed to be like this whole... We got a prompt for that later. Yeah. We have... But there's a... It seemed like the late 90s or this whole very naive era of what these guys were up to.

And I kind of like we're back. What are you talking about? We knew they were juicing. Because like right now, Icarus just came out on Netflix and was like, you know, easy to the blood dope? Here's a whole documentary about doing it. And we're just like, all these guys are lasting longer and longer than ever. So you're saying they're all, I don't know what you're saying.

Are you saying they're all doping? You think Brise Hall and Javentia just started taking drugs? Oh, no. Craig, Craig, they're going to Europe on a vacation. Right. And then a week later, they feel a lot better. How many stories can I read about Tom Brady, Russell, and LeBron spending a million dollars a year on their body

until I, like, start, like, in retrospect, one day, look back, and I'm like, hmm. No, they don't eat tomatoes, nightshades, that's what it is. It's the Latin strawberries. Inflammatory foods. I kind of like this, though. What, Brise and Giovante? It's like, look, either way, if you drop your iPhone, you're fucked, right? So, take the guy in the later round.

Oh, yeah. It's also very unpredictable. Like, you can drop your iPhone just, like, a little bit, and it's like a whole screen. Hold on. Just in general. Like, Apple just being, like, like, like, Apple just being, like, like, like making your phones incredibly not durable. I now have to tell a story.

I live in Logan Circle. I live on the sixth floor. Flex. No, it's, don't make me do the bid again. Okay. He's doing all right. Everyone in, all right.

So, everyone in D.C. knows. So Georgetown's Georgetown. Dupon Circles for people can't afford to live in Georgetown. I live in Logan Circle. People can't afford to live in DuPont. And then you get like Northeast. NOMAS, H Street, is like... I can't tell if he's going to be offensive here or not.

I don't know anything. Should we stop him? This is live. I'm too deep in now. Okay. Keep going. Keep going. I'm saying is the H-Streary, it's kind of like people who are gentrifying

don't want to talk about it. And then Navy Yard... Okay. Should we keep going? I'm just saying. Okay. Keep going. Hit them all.

I'm just saying the... Navy Yard's more like gentrifying and, like, loves to talk about it. Okay. It's just... Again, I don't know. They're just like, I don't know. It's funny, they like that.

He's in the other Washington. Phones, while we're on this, I dropped my phone six floors onto a car sunroof. Person. Like, it was, like, parked outside our building, and it just shattered the sunroof on this rangerover. Phone. This phone, it's fine.

It's literally like, trapped Javante Williams in pre-sall. All right, D-K, you got it? Was you holding it over a balcony? Yeah, I just gotten, this is the flex, iPhone 14 Pro. Oh. And then it's heavier and larger.

And I talk with my hands and I was like, oh. And, um... Oh, my God. I can just picture that. I honestly... It's like a cartoon. My entire life was. That's exactly how it happens when you drop your phone, though.

All of a sudden it's just like, oh! It was like, dude, I was like, boom. Like, bat it up six times. It's slow-mo. Fuck. Okay. Anyway, should we go? Should you keep going?

Yeah. All right. So the next one I got here is Damien Pierce and Khalil Herbert are the Bears. So Damien Pierce to me is the Nike. He's just really recognizable. Name brand. Everyone knows it. And Khalil Herbert, and this is going to be for the older generation.

Everybody remember L.A. Lights? They're kind of for children now, but like back in the day, adults wore them. And I very distinctly remember going into Payless Shoe Shoe Source, which it's going to payless shoe. It's not Payless Shoes store, which I found out when I googled it. Payless Shoes Source. I have no idea what he's talking about. Are you going to talk about the war next? Like, what is?

About the war. The Great War? What the fuck is L.A. Lights. Sounds like a solid. A lights. They lit up. What did? What lit up?

Oh, okay. Anyway, okay. Too many young people. Who are we even talking about right now? Kale Herbert? Are you complimenting Kalee Herbert or not? Is this a good thing? I think they're pretty cool.

Okay. Yeah, okay. Anyway, so... He's on the Bears, by the way. Yeah, he's on the Bears. Going to be the starter for the Bears. So Pierce is our RB18, 41st overall. Herbert is the RB 33,

80-second overall, so again, like double down the way. Both of them, like, stylistically, tackle-breaking, big play guys. Not super reliable, or at least we don't know yet in the passing game, so stylistically, they're similar two-down-type guys. And Colo Herbert, like, sneakily was more efficient and better in a lot.

lot of categories than Damien Pierce last year. So I don't know. I just think you can make the argument, too, that he's going to be playing on a better offense this year than the Texans who are, you know, with a rookie quarterback, generally speaking, those don't go well. So, I don't know, based on everything that we've seen in the preseason, Colette Herbert looks like the guy in Chicago. And so I think that to me is just I'd rather wait like three or four rounds or

whatever and get him instead. What do you think about Killal Little Harbor? It's like the madman thing to me. I'm just like, I don't think about you at all. I actually. I just don't like running backs on teams with running quarterbacks. I definitely don't think about LA Lights at all. But I...

No, I completely agree. I think Calillo Herbert's really good. Calil Herbert's one of those players when you unfortunately end up watching the Bears last year. You were like, wow, this guy is... You unfortunately watched the air. Outside of that one game where the rain, where it was like, oh, this is kind of like a car crash.

I can't look away from. Yeah. But, no, Herbert's really good. I think your point about the offense is being different because it's not even that the Bears might be great. This guy's in the front of the Bears. You'll be good. But the Texans strike the...

me like the Joker was like, do I look like a man with a plan? This team would trade it up to have back-to-back picks for no reason. Like, the top player this year is what Dalton Schultz on offense, like this isn't really a team with a plan. So I think that's actually really good point. So yeah. Pay less. Yeah, pay less shoe source.

Say that three times fast. I've remembered the smell of it. Like, like leathery. Who else? Who's been there, anyone? Yeah. Oh my God.

It's like in the mall, which used to be a thing. People don't know about that anymore either. A mall? I'm just, whatever. Why am I trying to even know. I do know pay less. I just didn't know L.A. L.A. L.S. You've never been in there.

Yeah. The mall is, yeah, the mall is from Spider-Man. You literally get shoes off a shelf. Yeah, I'm aware. Take them off. They don't come in like boxes. You can just, I want these shoes. Yeah.

All right, we're going to move on. A cobbler. All right, we're going to move on now. Do you guys have talking about L.A. Lights for too long. Want me to talk about the war? Yes. Oh. That segment with endless wars.

All right. To end all wars. Naji Harris, on brand, frosted miniweeds, off-brand, Cam Acres on the Rams. Kind of like great value, shredded wheat.

Bottom shelf. Yeah. Comes in a bag. Sure. Just a big bag. But to me, it's like, if you close your eyes, they taste the same.

You know what I mean? They do. Like if Frosted Mini Wheats was like a week old or two weeks old. Yeah. So it's like, if you just, like, don't watch the game, Naji Harris and Cam Acres might have the same stat line, you know? Yeah.

Or it's like, they're both just getting 20 plus carries a game. Like, they probably shouldn't be getting that many carries a game because the backups are probably better than them. But like, hey, it's all right. Just like you shouldn't probably eat cereal for breakfast every morning? Yeah. And like, you know, both guys have had really weird careers. They started super slow last year.

Nagy had a foot injury and was kind of a mess for the first half of the season. Then they get out of the buy. Then he's like a top 10 guy the rest of the year. Same with Acres. has a really weird start to his year. He comes off the Achilles. McVeigh hates him for the first five weeks of the season. He's like in the doghouse.

He like almost leaves the team because of like philosophical differences. And then they kind of become best friends like stepbrothers. George Costanza. He keeps trying to quit and he keeps getting from up. And then it was like, do we just become best friend situation? And then like the last five weeks of the season, KMakers is getting 25 touches a game and it was like a top 10 running back. So now I don't really know what to believe.

But they're going to give this guy the ball because there's nobody else on the team. Wait, what does he call him in step brothers? like, not Jack Hawk, 9,000. Nighthawk. Nighthawk. I'm Brennan. I'm Akers is Nighthawk. You have to call me Nighthawk. I feel like shredded acres

sounds like a good cereal. Wow. Wheat acres. Yeah? So how do you feel about that? Honestly, I think you're probably right. My only concern with the Rams, I actually have this feeling with Cooper Cup, too,

where I keep staring at them. And on paper, it's like Cooper Cup basically just gets historic amount of targets. I love it. Are we sure the Rams aren't just going to quiet quit the end of this year? Like if you just, like, they try to get... The players aren't, but they're all rookies.

You're saying like they just like Cooper Cup gets hurt and sits? I think, yeah, I'm saying if the Rams don't start above 500 this season. Once they get to Thanksgiving, I don't think they want to win. They want to hand Caleb Williams at USC. Do you want Caleb Williams to stay in L.A. go to the Rams? Or do you want Caleb Williams to go to the division rival Arizona Cardinals? Like, if it's even close, I think the Rams are going to go and try, replace Stafford, eat the dead money.

like they just need to reset. I feel like the Rams are like this real-life test. I think we always ask you. Would you trade, would you take a championship right now for your favorite team? Bears fan knows this. Would you take a championship right now for 10 years of being bad?

You say that, but you say that, but now like Rams fans are furious. They can't fill this stadium they just built. No one wants to go to this team. I don't know. The Rams fan? We got to preach. Nice. Also, who's wearing the, uh,

Mike Davis is my I shirt. Where are you? What an incredible shirt. You want to be a host on this show? What dedication. It's going to be like the Browns jersey where they just crossed out the names, like Mike Davis, Josh Jacobs, Samajip Rhy.

We're just going to like keep adding names every year. Oh my God. All right. I like that. Camacres, no, she's good. D.K., you want to get her name, Brad? So I feel like I'm turning into everything I hate by advocating for Michael Thomas again.

but here we are. We're back. Harvey Dent, you either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become a villain. All right, so... I hate who I've become... But it's so necessary, you know.

So I've realized that grocery stores are regional, so some people might not get this, but like, the name brand, Safeway. Yeah, we have that. We all know Safeway? Safeway is a thing. Vaughns, I've heard. I can tell who goes to Whole Foods

and who does not have based on... Metropolitan Market. And then raise your hand if you've heard of the grocery outlet, which when I was growing up called the used food store. It's right next to pay less. It is similar. Also known as gross out, which is great. Gross out.

Grocery outlet, gross out. That's amazing. Basically, they buy almost expired food. And then you can go there and it's an adventure every time you go because it's like, who knows what the fuck they got. It's really, it's like a treasure hunt. It's actually really fun. God, I sound insanely old, but like I literally like going to grocery outlet, grocery outlet, gross out. Anyway, so, and I think, I feel like Michael Thomas, like, you don't, you never know what you're going to get there. Like, honestly, you could get 12 catches, 180 yards and two touchdowns. You could go for

1,700 yards, and you're like, that's awesome. I bought 17 bottles of Franks Red Hot sauce because it's on sale, which I have, I'm not quite 17, but. But anyway, so getting back to the actual players here. Since September 12th, 2021, Calvin Ridley has played five games, and Michael Thomas has played three games. I feel like we're forgetting how close that number is. Well, yeah, but like we haven't seen these guys in two fucking years.

Michael Thomas has been in the hospital for two years. Not in the hospital. Calvin Ridley's been on the couch, placing wagers. Yeah. The production in that span? Pretty similar, honestly, considering Calvin Ridley played two more games. He had 31 catches, Michael Thomas 22.

Ridley had two touchdowns, Michael Thomas 3. Calvin Ridley is our wide receiver is 17. He's 38th overall. Michael Thomas is 118th overall. I feel like we've built in quite enough of a cushion there. Yeah, as much as I like to joke, I actually hate that I'm on board with this, but I am. Because last year we were like hyping up Michael Thomas as a top 50 guy. And now everybody's fully...

Sorry, me. I was. And I drafted him and my team was bad last year. But now it's like he's practically free. He's like a 13th round pick. So yeah, I mean, he's playing in the preseason, which feels like a prank. I can't believe he's doing that. It's like I wouldn't buy, you know, a vat of soy sauce at the regular store.

I think I know why you don't eat seafood now. I'm like, I only look for discount food. Yeah. Should we talk about Kai? Let's talk about Kai. We'll get to Kai. Yeah. Kai Fieri. Mayor of flavorless town.

But yeah, this is a good one, D.K., to be honest. I already had a draft a week ago, and I got Michael Thomas for $4. It's like, I can't pass that. That's too good of a deal. It's just like, what if he plays football? What if Michael Thomas plays? Where would he go? like much higher than them.

Yeah, probably top 100 player. I like all the sickos out there who draft for Shah Fasad Penny, Michael Thomas, just do it. Chavonte Williams, Kyler Murray, just go for it. So the first time on to the combine, actually, this was when Deakin, I realized early in the pandemic, because February 2020,

it was the last, like, event we did for work before the pandemic. And you know that when you're at a bar and then there's, like, another guy at the bar trying to get the bartender's attention to wear this bar, and I turn him a left, and it's Michael Thomas. And he has this card, and he had just had the hundred and 49 catches. He limped up to you? Well, no, he has this card.

And I look at his credit card. I'm like, that's so much heavier than my credit card. Snap into action this NFL season with Fandle, America's number one sports book right now. New customers get $200 in bonus bets. Guaranteed when you place a $5 bet. That's $200 in bonus bets. Win or lose.

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and second get a wildcard playoff spot in the AFC. I think that's being discounted. Fandall, the app is so easy to use. There's a wide range of betting options, including spreads, player props, over unders, and more. So visit fandel.com slash ringer fantasy and kick off the NFL season. Fandle, official partner of the NFL must be 21 plus and present in select states. First online, real money wager only. $10 first deposit. BORATES issued as non-withdrawable bonus bets that expire seven days after a seat, restrictions, supplies, seat terms at sportsbook.fandle.com. We now have a very special segment now.

It's time for the horny police. Straight to jail. As you know, the meme. Thank you. With the dog, with the bunk. Go to horny jail. Also, my mom's here. I'm sorry, mom and dad.

It's going to be very weird. Yeah. We're going to get horny over some fantasy football stats. Have you ever explained to your parents what you do? I actually have to explain all the time. I get pain and everything. But there's just certain players who say, you know what? We're too horny.

People are too horny. It's like it's time for horny jail. So I'm going to go, I would like to start off here. All of you are way too horny for George. Pickens. You're wrong. Steelers receiver, George Pickens at this point. Down, many me.

His highlights. George Pickens is being drafted basically equally with Deontay Johnson. Like they're the Steelers' receivers, their teammates, they're going at the same place. So, Deonti Johnson had like almost twice as many targets as George Pickens last year. I think this is exclusively

because George Pickens has great videos and Instagram of him catching passes. He's like the guy at the gym who can like dunk in warm-ups, and you're like, wow, this guy, and then he just disappears on the court. Just windmill. And, dude, but what is more like horny behavior than just scrolling through someone's Instagram and being like, oh, my God, like, just freaking bunk? Like, get a control of yourself.

Like, Deonti Johnson's the reliable partner. They're for you all the time, 140 targets every single season. Reliable? Well, all right. Zero touchdowns last year. Oh, well, you have one dry spell where you don't score. Ending injury in every game. Yeah.

One drive's bill, you're ready to risk at all, to slide in George Pickens' DMs. I don't think Craig's more triggered by any player than Deontay Johnson. We text, like, literally every Sunday, he's like, Deontay Johnson, down and writhing. Like a sack of doorknob. His knee went sideways.

It's the boy who cried ACL. Yeah, seriously. Legitimately, the worse it looks, he's fine. He's fine. He always comes back. Back. Next try. I do agree with you there.

I don't disagree with you there. Pickens, from a fantasy perspective, is not maybe... He's probably a little inflated right now because of his highlights. I think he's a better real-life player than fantasy because he's kind of so boom or bust. Johnson'll get you like 10 targets a game, six, seven catches a game. Pickens, I think, you know, is probably more talented

than Deonti Johnson, but the way he's used, they essentially just, like, send him deep. And like, whenever can he picket decides to throw the ball deep, like he'll catch it. I saw somebody talking about this on Twitter, and I apologize, I don't remember who was, but essentially he's actually running go routes at a higher rate.

diversify the portfolio. Good God. He's running go-rots on a higher rate. They're doing it more. It's worse. So that's not great. So, yeah, I do agree that he's going a little bit too high right now. So, again, we always say bet on talent, and I agree.

George Pickens is maybe a top ten talented receiver. But Ryan Clark is saying he's more talented than Justin Jefferson. It's like, bong. But a weird thing we've discovered about George Pickens. We don't talk about this enough. So obviously he's famous for the one-hand catch is. George Pickens' hands are in the ninth percentile for wide receivers. Like, they're not big.

All the guys who do one-hand catches, DeAndre Hopkins, O'Dell Beckham, their hands are like freakishly large. They have like X, X, X, L gloves. George Pickens' ninth percentile. Kenny Pickett, for quarterback's, oneth percentile hands. This is like the smallest baby hands. Like, first. Percential.

One-th percentile. I legitimately still don't know how the correct way of saying that. Well, he's only one-th because there's no zeroth percentile. He's last. First? First, yeah. First, oh. One.

Jesus. No, it's one. There's a one, you know. I don't know. Once sounded funnier. Well, no, first sounds good, though. It's like, wait. Yeah, yeah.

You're first in something, whatever. Right, exactly. It's always sunny, like, law firm with just, like, the baby hands to baby hands. Well, the Steelers know what they're doing with wide receivers, so maybe that's the key. Little hands. He knows how to use them.

He's really good at catching. Who gives us? shit. All right. Got that dog in him, you know? The whole video of him when he got drafted, he's like, staring at the TV. I want him on my team.

I think the Steelers are like, we're just going to take the crazy people. That works out really well. It does. All right, can I do a guy I am horny for? Not that I'm upset other people are horny for? I'm horny. For John Dodson on Washington. This dude might just be better than Terry McLaren,

straight up, and it's a bummer. McLaren just got turpto. He lost him. for a second there. No. He's out. Okay, if he's not better, it's very close, it's a one-two punch.

Johan Dodson is just one of those guys where he kind of got muddled in the draft because he went around a lot of flashier guys, right? It was the CD Lamb draft, right? No, he was last year, it was a rookie. I have no memory. Last year was, it was rookie here. Garrow Wilson O'Lovie, all those guys.

And Trelandbergs and a bunch of other guys. And Traylenbergs, but Dodson went like 16th, and nobody talked about it. And the second he stepped on the field, you just know. He was an intangible eye test guy. You're like, this guy has it. You know what I mean?

He immediately becomes the best red zone threat on the team. The last five games of the season, he was better than McLaurin in a lot of categories. And it already looks like Howell, who looks pretty solid right now, is going to McClorn, Dotson a lot. And he's going so late in drafts. You can get him at like 90th right now.

Eric Bienemies, the O.C. in Washington. Like, I just think... Patrick Mahomes'Bahom's system quarterback. Patrick Mahomahehm's system quarterback. It was all Bienemy. Howell MVP season starts now. Dotson is like a fantastic If you can get around 100th right now

And he's going to go up now that McLaren got hurt But if you're drafting tomorrow And people haven't like checked the news Draft Dotson We were talking about this last night What you're talking about with It's wild how much money And resources teams spend on draft

Like draft prep I could talk about this for an hour Getting ready like writing these reports Literally doing like CIA shit to get the inside of all And these guys Yeah Yeah, exactly.

They're, you know, incognito mode, all that shit. It's not the same thing. And then within... I mean, whatever, you know. Within, like, a day, you can tell, like, oh, yeah, this guy's really good. You can watch all through college, all the Combine, Pro Day, all this stuff. And it's like, no one knows until he walks under the field, he catches one ball, and you're like, yep, that guy has it. He's good.

Or this guy sucks. Yeah. It's like, you can tell immediately. There's a... I was thinking about this yesterday because there's a backup course. quarterback for Chicago, Tyson Badgent. I don't even remember his name. And he went undrafted.

He was at the senior ball, but he played for like a D2 team, whatever. No one had ever heard of this guy. And they're all talking about, oh, this guy, maybe he's got it. It's like, why did he go undrafted? Why did we not know this? Immediately upon getting on the field, they're like, oh, this guy's got it. He's got it. Anyway, Dotson has it.

Well, I mean, we get a little meta, but is any industry famously good at hiring people? Like, is there any industry that like, oh, yeah, we just, like, anyone batting more than 50%. Like, the thing that scouts always say is, like, the divorce rate's 50%, how are we going to beat that? And it's, like, the... Too soon, a while, yes. My wife is here, Elizabeth Kelly. Liz!

Woo! Everyone, please congratulate Liz on the first episode she's ever listened to. Take God, Chris Sims. The voice of Take God, Chris Sims. Yeah. Voice of the ringer, Liz Kelly. Honestly, the funniest part about the draft is now that we cover the draft, more and more, is they spend five months, really, like,

technically, like, three years figuring these guys out. I think the funniest part is that they're not allowed to, like, John Dawson, not allowed to just bring him in, have him practice with the team. Like, you think at any other job, you're like, hey, like, do this assignment, see how it goes. Like, he could, like, if they actually had him out for one practice, it might be more valuable than, like, all four months at the draft prep.

I know, like, imagine if there's, like, Malik Willis could have just gone and played with the Titans, and they'd be like, you know what? Mike Vrable's like, fuck this guy. He would have done the same thing with Traylin Berks, probably, because got tired, you know? No, I think you're right, getting back on the real estate. I think you're right, though, Craig, about Dotson.

I think, obviously, just absolute homerism to the Washington crowd. But I do think Dotson's the home player that you can draft up for your own team, but actually will probably be great. I know I'm a hyperbolic person, but Diann-Hopkins, like, Dotson really does remind me of Hopkins. And I say that because D'Andre Hopkins is, like, legitimately 5-10, and I kind of wonder if he's, like, five-nine-and-a-half. You think of him in your head, like, he's not that short.

He's 5-10 and 5-11, but I think it's a fake 5-11. He's like 5-10. But you think of DeAndre Hopkins as 6'4. Like, you think of him and Mike Williams. Just because he's 5-11. You just watch him on the field, you kind of just know? What are you based on that? He knows a 5-11 guy.

Are you just talking about me being short over there? Like, you're not on a microphone? What? Somebody mentioned when we took a picture last night that Hy-Hifitz is a lot taller than they thought, and I'm like, I think it's just the angle. I think they were talking about Craig, and they got our face.

Hifitz wears, too. I'm talking about my shoes. Yeah, you were thick shoes. Thick sold shoes. They got flat Skechers. Those L.A. Lights are thick. Yeah, the L.A. Lights. The guy who started L.A. Lights started Skechers.

You know those shoes that have like the... I know those sketches, yeah. We all know. You know the shoes that have the arch thing. Oh, yeah. The golden arc. Joe Montana does ads for Skechers. Yeah, God.

Howie Long. Howie. That's how you know, like, you're getting old. Is when, like, people that were, like, really cool when you were young. And now it's like, I will never... My mom's here. I'll never forget the day that my mom's so. Bruce Springsteen on the cover of AARP.

I was a bad day in the Hyphitz household. Oh, my God. You're like, Paul Newman, that's a salad dressing guy. Exactly. Can I do a horny police for you, Hyfitz? Yeah, can we? We got to talk about one... Jack is here, so be careful.

One Darren Waller. Tight end for the Giants. Yeah, you need to go to horny jail on that one, I think. I was trying to fight the feeling. Like, I didn't... You know, I was trying to be like, no, but, man, the attraction. The vibrations. Darren Waller...

When the cars go by. Yeah. Did you see the... Silverware's, like, clattering. Darren Waller catches a pass. If it's like, try getting checked. Did you see the first drive of the Giants game? Like, if you saw the first drive,

it was Daniel Jones drop back, Darren Waller. Daniel Jones, Darren Waller. The next one was like... No, the only pass that Daniel Jones missed was a Darren Waller drop. But it was not really a drop. He got hit really hard, and then he let go of it. Whatever.

Different. To be clear, I'm all in. On Waller. No, I know. I am too, but I'm scared. Well, here's the thing. There's only the tight ends were the legit number one option for their teams. Travis Kelsey.

Mark Andrews. Darren Waller. That's it. That's the list. It's like, what, Dalton Schultz doesn't count. Like, that's it. So, Darren. Dalton Schultz.

Texans. I know. but what did he have to do with anything? A couple drive-bys at Schultz tonight. He's had a couple good years, productive NFL career. You pot shot at guys you think you're safe with, and then Josh Jacobs happens, and now you've got to, like, you know, beat down even lower

than you thought. But it doesn't matter. But... I still can't believe what the fucking odds, man. My God. The one guy you focused on all year. That's why we're Kastanzanzing right now, with Michael Thomas, Jameson Williams.

Yeah. But with Darren, if I told you every time I was playing 17 games, or every player, whatever. Where would Darren Waller go? Second or third? Top 30 player. So he's going in the 70s, 80?

We're going to go 40 spots drop because we're afraid of Darren Waller pulling a hamstring in a league where it doesn't actually matter the difference between like third and 12th. Like just coming first. Take Aaron Waller. I didn't realize this until right now, but this whole show we've just been like advocating for super injured guys. And we're like, what if they're healthy, though? But that is kind of...

Here's a secret in fantasy football. It is kind of Ricky... Bobby, like, if you're not first, you're last. Like, third place, you don't get anything for third place. Maybe your money back, depending on the league you're in. A lot of people are trying not to get last place. That's fair. Yeah.

But, like, if you can get all these guys out of value and they can stay healthy, like, you will be in the championship. People who bet on injured players always delude themselves into thinking it will work. But it could work for us. Yeah. Darren, first or last Ricky Bobby. Just all the injured guys. That's true.

I'm into it. Do we got anyone else? Yeah, any other... TK. TK. You're horny for a particular running back. This is, like, me heat checking myself. I really love Tony Pollard.

I feel like he's the most unstoppable player in the NFL. Maybe the best player in the NFL. Could you, like, make an argument against the fact that he's the best player in the NFL? No. Not a very good one. However, I'm legitimately kind of scared of Deuce Vaugh now. He's five, six. 179.

He looks like Barry fucking Sanders. What do you think? Also, it doesn't matter. I mean, Tony Pollard was the ninth best running back in fantasy last year, and that's with Zeke having 230 carries and 12 touchdowns. It doesn't matter. Ruse Fonz hanging around. Rich Rebar, who works for Warren Sharp's website,

made an incredible analogy. Well, it's not an incredible. It's just a very accurate analogy. It wasn't incredible. It was fine. It was a good analogy, which was a few years ago, like basically, we had all been clamoring for Austin Eckler, to get the job over Melvin Gordon

for years and years, Charges Jersey right there. Just clamoring for Eccler to get the job. Then they got rid of Melvin Gordon, they gave Austin Eclure the job, and then he was like the 15th pick in draft, and we're like, yeah, what's it going to death? And it's Tony Pollard, like,

what if they get rid of Zeke? What did they get rid of Zeke? They get rid of Zeke, and now it's like, yeah, it's Tony Pollard's second rounder. It's like he should probably be a top five pick. He played two games without Zeeke. Two games without Zeeke last year. He averaged 27 fantasy points a game.

He just broke his leg in January. Like, whatever. Oh, I don't care about that. He's injured. The injured players, they're faster now. We're building the whole... Oh, God.

They say, like, what if you build the plane out of black boxes? We're exclusively building the plane out of, like, broken parts. High upside. Can I give another guy here?

DeKamp, I apologize because you just hype this guy up. I kind of think people need to chill about James Cook. All right. Explain. I don't know. Josh Allen last year

was top ten in rushing attempts inside the five. Yeah. He had 11. Yeah. The rest of the bills running backs combined had seven. James Cook gets zero of those.

Well, he barely played. So that's not a great argument for me either, but yeah. I mean, he played, what he had, like, five, six hundred yards. I mean, he was on the field. He's playing. Well, also, okay, Devon Singletary's gone. They replaced him with Damien Harris and Latavius Marie. Two guys who have a history inside the five, plus Josh Allen, who's a bulldozer inside the five.

James Cook's never had more than 113 carries in a season. He weighs 190 pounds. That's what I weigh. I think he's just going to be Devin Singletary and we're all like talking ourselves into something that's not real. It's a Fugazi, it's a Fugazi. I think he... So, here's the deal.

He's going to catch passes, which... Is he? I hope so. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, I'm, you know... That's what I did. That's what horniness does to you. Yeah.

I can fix him. You know? He needs my help. Hold on. Let me pull my notes on, Jamie. Hold on me. Let me Bing James Cook See he's like pulling up the text.

Like, no, dude, she really does like me and you're like, dude. Here's what he said. It's just an emoji. Here's what he said. God damn it, where is he? She sent it to you on teams. Like, come on. He's just very big right now amongst like the analyst community.

Yeah. I don't know if we're in that or not, but. We're like fringe pariahs. They don't like us. Here's a couple arguments, pro James Cook. Okay. He was fourth among running backs with 30. rushes in the NFL in yards per touch.

So I actually compare him a lot to like DeAndre Swift, who is not going to score a lot of rushing touchdowns. He's not going to be a big bruiser through the tackler between the tackles, but he makes his money in catching passes and explosive plays. And James Cook

flashed a lot in those areas last year. He was really explosive. He was ninth in targets per out run, so he's earning targets as a pass catcher. So there are some stats that back this up. That's fair. I get all your concerns, though, for sure. And I think...

I just hate drafting guys who are between the 20-yard line guys. When the second they get the red zone, they're off the field. We were talking about how the Bill's front office and coaching staff and anyone that talks to Josh Allen is like, for the love of God, please fucking check it down. Like, they're trying so hard. They've tried everything to get him to wear the clothes that look better on him. You know, he's the wife buys clothes for the husband.

We talked about this a couple shows ago. But he just refuses, Josh Allen. He wants to run. So that is my, for sure, it's a... worry. But, you know, maybe this is the year. He decides, hey, this polo is kind of nice. Feels good. It's like that polo right there. That's a cool Columbia. Columbia. Thank you. It's Columbia. Send us clothes. We'll say anything, you know?

I do, I actually really do like my clothes, though, so thank you, Columbia. Okay. Great shoes. All right. D.K., any other, any other horny police? This one is more I'm worried that I'm going to have a little bit of postnut clarity on this one after the trap So

It sounds really cool when you talk about it And I can make a really good case for Anthony Richardson Because he runs really fast And he's huge And he runs really fast And they're going to run him a lot So like the running thing is important Okay.

But if I'm being totally honest, after the draft, I'm like, there's a lot of ways this could not work out. I can't believe I'm in the same room with my mom. With like post nut clarity being thrown around. So, yeah. The day after the draft, it's just a little bit like, oh, God, there's a lot of ways this could go wrong. So I have to, like, check myself a little bit about that.

I'm still very excited about the idea of Anthony Richardson. You wait a week, you'll get excited. excited again. I've made a huge mistake. A couple days. Lay low, lay low, and then, you know, you'll get better at it. But yeah, I don't know where to go with that one. Continue. Let's just kill that right there.

I think... Kai, we'll cut that, right? Men in black laser beam it from your memory. I think it's time for some emails. Let's get to it. Emails. Thank you to everyone who sent it an email. Someone actually, like, wrote and drew. like the whole email subject line.

They drew like a Gmail webpage. Yeah. It was very sweet. So, and well done. Like with the attachment, emot, or not a bunch of you, but icon and everything. Yeah. Yeah. Duck, duck go, too.

Okay. We've got here. We had people write in physical emails, which is cool. Thank you for doing that. So this one actually is anonymous. Anonymous. Anonymous. Anonymous.

I am here with my boyfriend who claims to love fantasy football. Did Jackie write this? Why is this amount of us? But seems to re-evaluate his life choices whenever he interacts with the other league members. How can he regain his passion, parentheses, and stop complaining?

about his league. He's lost love for his league? Well, it seems like he's getting bullied in the group chat by his friends. Win a ring. Yeah. Play like a champion, no excuses. Yeah, win a ring, come up with the punishment?

Yeah. You know? No better argument than a ring. He's getting bullied in the group chat. This is so sweet. How did you come back from that? Yeah. I don't have an answer for this one.

Is the boyfriend here? Or is it, I would imagine so. You know it's not great for the group chat If all the other people are here And he like complained him I'm getting bullied She's like, ah, I didn't consider that Well, you go up to him

And you punch him right in the face This next one here is from Carston Carstyn Carr I am still reeling over Hyfitz Not Knowing who Rod Stewart is So is everyone Who do you think is the most famous person

that Haifitz has never heard of. Craig and I were in the green room texting each other about this, so should we just roll through the list, Craig? Yeah. Do you know who Tom Jones is? He did the song that Carlton dances too, right? Yes. Yeah. Okay. I guess that kind of count.

Well done. Well done. It's not on. I'll throw up a softball for you here. Okay. Eric Clapton. Yeah. Okay. Who is he?

Singer, guitarist. Okay. Craig? James Taylor. Yes. Prove it. The fact that you don't know who Rod Stewart is and you know who these three are is

mind-boggling. You know James Taylor? Yes. What does he do for a living? Sing. Vladimir Lennon. No? Singer.

He did a respooten, right? Ra, rah. I'm tone deaf, by the way. That wasn't obvious. All right. Chris Christopherson. Nope, that's a no. Who, does everyone,

does everyone here know who that is? Fuck, okay. He was a singer and an actor, is. He's alive. The original, a star was born. The one in the 60s. Blade, yes, he's in Blade. Three?

I don't feel bad about that. He's got, he's like in all of them, I think, isn't he? I don't know, maybe not. There are dozens of us who don't know who Christophers said, yeah, there's dozens of us. All right, that's fine. Okay, you pass. At least I'm not Ben Solac, who we played, like, with the two truths in a lie, members of the Beatles.

Ring-O-Star. It was, ring-o-star. Ring-O-Star. And we put Alda Snow in from forgetting Sarah Marshall. And he figured that out. He thought about it. Yeah, he just guessed. He was like, I don't know.

So, anyway. What about Don Henley? Eagles. Look at him. Oh, holy shit. It's a football team, so he's like, yeah. All right. Well, thank God.

You pass a flying coach. I was very worried about that. Okay. We've got an ick here from Elena. Elena. My ick, when a guy wears socks during sex. Okay. What if you have bad circulation?

I was going to say... You need a pill, probably. I don't know if this is true. I might have to check Bing. But I heard... This is definitely not true. But I heard, through somewhere, that if you wear socks during sex,

it makes you last longer. Oh. I've heard some way. Life hack. Also, but it might not matter if it's an ick. So it's like a catch-22 there, you know? Just don't look at the feet. You can make that work.

There's plenty of positions. Moving on. Give it a shot. That's a great one, though. That's a great one. We're not afraid to get weird. Try it out. I don't know where the kids are.

We talk about weir on this show. Do you wear Haynes socks or do you wear the Kirkland socks? Nice. All right, we got a fantasy court. Ooh. All right. This is, wow, people didn't sign them. It's too bad.

From, well, anonymous complaining. Anonymous. My two friends made a bet that whoever lost the league had to go to church. They tied. They agreed that neither would go. What? And do they both go to church neither or replay the church ball? They both go.

They both go. They have to go to one of those churches that lasts a really long time. I don't know which one, but, you know. Oh, it's... And they have to go on a football Sunday. Oh, yeah, there we go. I mean, yeah. There's other Sundays.

Oh, yeah, right, okay. There's only two left this year that aren't. Weren't we talking about the Body of Christ earlier? A couple of pods ago, we don't have to go there. We were talking about what Jackie dropped the body of Christ's church. Sorry, Jackie. Well, I just can't believe statistically that they were mad at her about that because I'm like, you're doing it for like 100 people every week.

You'd every Sunday. I'm like, you'd think they'd be prepared, but they made her eat it off the floor. What? Yeah, sorry. I think I might be single off to this. They made her eat it off the floor? We don't waste the body of Christ in the church. She didn't bamboony it.

She had to pick it up. Yeah, it was no zamboni situation. Still, that's kind of. It's kind of insane to me. Five second. Five seconds. There was this episode of Everybody Loves Raymond about like,

oh, the argument about the can opener in a marriage. It's never just about the can opener. It's about something deeper. And I remember when I learned in like U.S. history class that the Catholic Church split off because it was about whether the body of Christ

was a metaphor or not. I was like, okay, but what's the deeper reason? Like, no. That was it. I was like, oh, but like, what was it about? Like, no. Is it? about like two high guys at the time.

Is it actually the body or not? I think it was. Does it turn? Again, hyphids, we're live, so we can't edit this. I would just continue. At the end of last season, D.K. had a disturbing hatred of Mack Collins. Shit.

No, I wrote down some guys. Which, honestly, it made me uncomfortable. Who do you guys anticipate will be DK's this year's Mac Hollins. You're in on Mac now, right? I'm back. I'm back on Mac. You're back on Mac.

TM. Trademark. Yeah. For anybody. So, I honestly don't remember why I hated Mac Hollins. Because I think he was stealing, you hated that, like,

other players weren't getting fans. He was still in love for. Everyone else on the offense is on my team except for fucking Mac Hollins. Yeah. So this year, it's Alan Lazzard, 100%. Oh.

Sorry. He is in Mac Hollins, though. He kind of embodies Mac Collins vibes. You know what Alan Lazzart is, like, coming to the Jets? He's kind of like how every movie, like, the bully has, like, these two, like, crab and goyling Harry Potter, or, like, these two guys who just stand behind him and look like dicks. And, like, Alan Lazzart just is literally, like,

the largest receiver in the NFL, and he just follows Aaron Rogers everywhere. He's bodyguard. Basically. It's like what LeBron James did with James Jones. James Jones was on every LeBron James team. I don't know why. He must have, like, witnessed LeBron murder somebody.

That guy's not good. He wasn't good for the last 10 years. career. He played until he was like 37 on LeBron's team everywhere he went. Dude, working at the ringer and like following basketball, but not as like a professional basketball follower was so funny. What happened exactly when the Lakers basically, LeBron

was on the Lakers and he calls James Jones who's the GM of the Phoenix Suns like, I want to send her. They're like, okay. And they just trade it. Who did they send again? Tyson Chandler. He just asked with Tyson Chalder, they just sent him over. I'm like, what's just your buddy? Well, think about... This would be blocked in a fantasy football league.

It's kind of the same thing with Brad Holmes in Detroit. and the Stafford trade. I mean, he went from L.A. to Detroit. And then they were like, hey, like, golf or Stafford? And they were like, okay. We're buddies. So, you know, there's cahoots. That was, like, all four, like, swap, though.

That was kind of, like, ended college. Like, they're like, you know what? We actually make more sense with each other, and they just kind of... What are you saying here? Swapperoom. Like, it's like an incestuous situation amongst friends? What's up?

Everyone knows. This is from the hit show Friends. Okay. Yes. All right. What should our fantasy league's punishment That's from Joel. Joel.

Joel. What should our fantasy league's punishment be? Ride the Silver Metro line end to end. That goes to Dulles. Hey, I got to go there tomorrow. Yeah, well, you didn't ask me whether to fly into where you. Oh, dude, huge mistake. Yeah.

I know. I flew into Reagan. You fucking blew it. Yeah. I fucking never felt worse. That's the biggest cheer we got all night. Fantasy football league punishment. Ride the Silver Metro Line end to end,

or perform a stand-up comedy set written by the league winner. Oh, my God. Or ring the largest bell or gong you can find and proclaim your fantasy inferiority. Okay. I like the stand-up. Although, I think they should have to just write their own material. I think that's even harder.

Yeah. Letting someone else write it, almost like letting them out of them. Yeah, then they just like memorize a set and if it's awkward, it's awkward. Making them come up with their own jokes is brutal. So they just let you do that? They just let you go up and...

Yeah, an open mic night. If we're up here, yeah. We just walked in. A guy with a fohawk, just let me in. Just Norm McDonald, like, straight out. My friend lost a league and he had to be... He had to get like a yellow belt in karate.

Oh, that's great. And he put it off for so long. Because he thought. He had to get a yellow, which one is it? I don't know. The lowest level belt, whatever that one is. And then what happened? He kicked the shit out of you guys.

Revenge. He was like, I'll do it. He had to do it before the season started. And he was like, I'll do it in late August. Because he thought he could go get it in like an hour. He called the local place. He was like, generally, like, how many hours does it take? The guy was like hours.

He was like, you need like five separate sessions to come in and achieve the yellow belt. So now he's screwed. They're actually like having him push it off to the next year. and like, and worse, and he has to go another level up. Because I didn't realize it takes so long to get a yellow belt. Sal talking about the same. He's like signing up with nine-year-olds. But Sal was talking.

And then they kick your ass. I thought they just like handed those things out. Like, patient trophies. Like, Deuce Vaughn. Five different visits? Wait, is that like, wait, stepbrothers where they fight all the kids? Yeah.

Oh my God. He makes him eat the white shit. Anyway, I just couldn't believe that. That is crazy. Also, a good punishment I heard, get frosted tips. Oh, yeah. I like that. Frosted lettuce.

That's good. I had that in sixth grade. I feel like the biggest grade just takes a drink. It was a different time. Yeah. I bleached my hair like Eminem when I was in middle school. Like all blonde? Yeah.

Buzz? Back when I had hair, yeah. Wow. Yeah. Was it when Eminem had the blonde hair? Yeah, it was like right in that era. Okay. It was because of him.

That's cool. Wait, what we're talking about DK being old? Did people like that? Thanks for engaging with me in this conversation. How did it go? Like when you showed up the class, were they like, oh, no way. No, I went to a private Catholic school in middle school, and they said, no, you can't. You showed up with Eminum's haircut to a private Catholic school?

And he shaved your head, never went back. I had to, like, dye it back. There's a whole thing. Anyway, so I don't go to church anymore. So that punishment is actually really funny. Wow. Go talk to Sister Esther. about your hair.

You'd just show her the M&M music video. She got it, yeah. While we're talking about Dickey being old, we were at dinner last night, and I actually paused the conversation because I thought it was so funny that I wanted to pick it up here. And I would like to pick up where we left off,

which was we were talking about dial-up internet. We've been talking about pre-internet, pre-internet stuff. And Dicke said the sentence, and I asked you were going to elaborate it now. The last thing you said was, I wrote it down. You said they used to mail you a CD and that was the internet.

They used to mail you the internet. I genuinely don't know what you mean. They would mail it to you. What the fuck does that mean? They're mailing you the internet. Explain. Elaborate. On a CD.

I don't understand. What do you? I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? I don't know. You put a goddamn CD in and you have the internet. What the fuck? Someone else explain.

Like, AOL. Is this dial? Is this what dial up is? You paid by the minute? You paid by the minute? How does the CD charge you by the minute? I don't... It just stopped working.

Magic. It just stopped working. No one knows. You have the mic. You have to explain. So would you pay... So you would buy the CD with preloaded internet hours on it?

I guess. It was free. No, they would like send it to you to get you hooked. It's like the first one's free. How did you order it? I don't know. It just shows up at your house in the mail.

Are you asking me how mail works? Kind of. I've actually always wondered that. I don't know how mail. works. It's fucking insane that they can, they sort that shit and send it to a house.

That's actually, that's a fair point. Didn't your generation get scammed with like, mail and rebates? Because, like, these people never forget how to mail this back. Oh, Columbia House?

Yeah, the CDs. Careful, careful. Clowness. Yeah, yeah. That was, in my day, you had to, you would sign up for this

and normally would be like a kid signing up without their parents' knowledge. And you get like 10 CDs and you're like, this fucking rules. Like the reeping sewing thing. It's like, and then you forget to send in the next one, and you're like, this fucking sucks!

Because then you have to pay for like 10 more CDs or whatever. I don't know what CDs were. Yeah. I remember burning CDs. Yeah. I had a whole operation. D.K. in the basement, blonde hair. Napster.

Dark web. Yeah. Should we keep going? Yes. What about mail? Isn't it weird? Mail actually genuinely is. weird.

You put it in the mailbox and then just like a week later. Like a two days later? How the fuck did they get it there? How did they sort it so efficiently? Are they reading the note? I just got married and when we sent out the invitations, we genuinely were like we have to do half online, half mail or like offer both options because I was like,

I don't know how many friends of mine if I was like you need to mail me this RSVB back if they could figure it out. So I was like, I need to give an online option. I had your RSVP. stamped on my desk for like two weeks. And I was like... What do I do with that now?

Somebody come get it for me? And then I just... The day came, I just filled it out online. And I never said to see? I was like, I'm not confident I can get... So what's next? Yeah. I also couldn't feel like to figure out

to mail Craig's gift. I'm giving it to him here. On stage right now. Yeah. Sorry, Liz. Which 2023 player is the B movie of the season? Oh. B movie like the Jerry Seinfeld animated movie? Or like the term?

It's the letter B, B movie. It's a pun. Okay. B movie like a B... Like, you know it's going to be bad, but maybe bad enough to be fun. So now I'm kind of back on maybe it is the B-Movil with Terry Seinfeld's... Ah!

Fucking, yeah. I think this is Anthony Richardson, right? Like, come on. that's a good one. Reaping and sewing. But like, he's not going to be bad, funny. Like, we have to think of somebody who's funny and funny.

Like Nate Peterman? Yeah. Yes. Somebody who's so... Colt McCoy? Baker Mayfield, maybe. Baker. Baker.

You mentioned Peter. I always amazed. He's kind of sad. Baker? Yeah. I feel bad at this point. These guys make like... He went to Heism.

He went first in the drafts. Good point. He's like... Fuck him. They finally pulled... He's like... Fucking loser. I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding. I will say the Nathan Petermans are fascinating because you mentioned before when you're talking about Richardson, like, I can fix him. And like, I actually think the worst quarterbacks actually disproportionately are employed because John Gruden and Sean McVeigh

kind of all these quarterback whispers are like, oh, no, he's great, coaching's the problem. And so they just kind of recycling all these awful quarterbacks just keep getting jobs. I mean, is it Cadarius, Tony? No, he's asking questions, yeah.

I can't believe we haven't actually talked about him yet. I know. We forgot. We forgot. Our favorite player in the drafts. Top ten player in the league. When he's on the field. I know that I've mentioned this. Five snaps, two TDs, Super Bowl. Who's done that? I've mentioned this a few times on the show, so sorry, but it was legitimately one of my favorite moments of all time. Craig and I at the Super Bowl. We went down to get, like, to take a bathroom break, came back, and it was like, oh shit, the game is going. Terrier's Tony was scoring a touchdown. We were legitimately hugging, jumping in a circle.

It was like the greatest moment. Because my prediction, I was like, he's going to have two touchdowns, and Hyfitz is like, he's not even going to play 10 snaps. And I was like, okay. That's not what I said. So? And he almost did.

He got so close. God. I also just wanted it. We got one from here from Eric. Eric. Who sent in an actual email, which was so good ahead. How's that work?

He mailed it in? Last episode, you were discussing Lobsters and how they don't die of old age and other creatures that live in insanely long time like the Greenland shark. And Eric writes, there's actually this really interesting species of jellyfish that does not necessarily have a long life, but it just dies and straight up resurrects itself.

The scientific name is, I cannot pronounce it, something to Tertopsis, I don't know. But it's colloquially referred to as the immortal jellyfish because they begin as larvae and eventually become little polyps on the seafloor. Once they develop into a mature jellyfish, they can get old or injured or sick just like any other creature. however, these jellyfish can deliberately revert their own bodies back to the polyp stage

and then just essentially restart their own life cycles many times as they want. And this researcher Kyoto University, Shin Kaboda has restarted, is recorded a colony rebirthing itself 11 different times. Like they've died and rebirthed 11 times. And then this researcher regularly appears on Japanese television to talk about immortal jellyfish and has recorded several songs about them. What? And he sings them at the conferences

where he presents the research. And I was wondering if we want new intro music if we can't get Maraicari Clear it ever again. To get the Immortal Jellyfish song? Yeah. I mean, yeah, I'm speechless. We need to get on, we need to figure out why, what's happening there?

Who is the immortal jellyfish in fantasy football? Cadarist Tony. Fank Gore. Oh. He just won't die! Well, yeah, Frank Gore Jr. now is next. So all the same. All right, I think that's, I think we'll just do it there.

We'll end the pod and we'll probably restart it again after the thank you. For sure. Honestly, from the bottom of heart, thank you, everyone for coming out tonight. This has been absolutely incredible. Thank you. I would also like to thank, again, Columbia for sponsoring this. The sick clothes. D.K. is not going to look like, you know, a slub anymore.

Like, there we go. Thank you to Columbia. Yeah. We are going to stick around and we're going to do. do a meet and greet. So if you guys want, we'll be in the back left of this room after the show. Door on the right, that's the exit. Don't block that. But door on the left, we'll be doing a little

meet and greet. So you guys, if you want to meet us. Me cute. What? That's what kids say. I don't know what that means. You get riszed up by Livy? Little grok. He's got the ris? Baby gronk? Is it baby gron? Baby gron. He retired. Thank you.

Shout out. Elizabeth Fearman, who's a legend. Thank you, Kai. Thank you to Kira. Thank you, David. Thank you. Everyone at Union Stage. Thank you, everyone. Bartenders, everyone behind the stage. There's one person that we haven't thanked. Jackie. Jackie. Thank you to Jackie. Thank you, Lorne. Lorne.

Thank you, Mariah. Oh, Mariah. If anybody here knows Mariah Carey or a representative of her, we'd love to know. We really want that song. Me and great. Later. Yeah. It doesn't sound like anybody here does, but we're really trying to get in contact with Mariah Carey. Did we tell the story about how the guy was fucking with us in the email? Oh, yeah. Yeah, he pretended to...

And then we never heard from him again. We asked him for a follow-up, and I don't think he had planned after that. Oh, fuck. Yeah, he was like, my uncle is her agent or her manager or something. At, like, Universal Music Group. And we were like, that's fantastic. And then I think he just wanted us to email him back. And then they were like, ha-ha, suck it nerd.

One day, we will have fantasy as our fantasy intro song. Well, I'm not. We did a sound check before this, and they, like, played our intro song when we walked out, like, way too loud. We were like, this is so sick. It really rattled the stage. It slaps.

I have never listened to it on normal speed before. It's a little slower than I remembered, but it... I'm actually so curious about that. Raise your hand if you're... When you listen to a podcast, just normal speed. Psychos. That's pretty good. Okay. All right. Let's go...

Let's go 1.5. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Two. 2x. Oh, there's a few. The one crazy person who has no idea what we've said on any of our podcasts.

And then I'm a 1.2 guy personally on Spotify. If anybody uses Spotify. I say this genuinely. You have to build up to it. Like, you have to keep building. You can't just go to 2.0. You can't just put socks on during it.

No. You'll work your way. You're 2x guy, right? Yeah. That's nuts. So, you're listening to 2X. Do we sound like drunk right now? How busy are you? You can't just hang out for 40 minutes and listen?

No? I need to mainline information. You listen when you walk around, right? You walk a lot. And that's your pandemic thing. But you also are doing the thing where you listen to audiobooks and we had this whole argument whether you can say you read a book if you listened to it.

Yeah. I've consumed the book. I know what it's about. It's not the same thing. You can't say I've read the book. You have to say I've listened to the book. I mean, I'm fine with that. It's semantics.

Whatever. Well. Well. Fuck. Fuck you, man. All right. We're that weird point at the end of the show where we've already done the Lauren band thing

and then we just have to wait for hyphen to say goodbye. Yeah. Someone else want to prompt us? What's going on? Hyphins. No. That's it. Goodbye, everyone.

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