The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 10: Kevin's Heritage

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Did ya’ll know Kevin’s roots are in Jamaica, and also most of Jamaica is super fucked up? Well you’re gonna know a hell of a lot about all of it after listening to this, the tenth episode of The Round Table of Gentlemen!

All right. We're ready to go. We're ready to go. Should we do a handhold? Can we pray beforehand? Should we pray? Yeah. Yeah, lead us in prayer.

Please don't let me make more than one rave joke tonight, or else I'm off of the podcast God. And I hope that Holden's beats are true and fast and that kevin can find an asian girl that he can love and then maybe kissel cannot uh ladies and gentlemen welcome to the round table this is the hot noise hot hot noise. Giving our prayer this evening. Miss, who is that over there? Uh-oh, I think it's Jackie Zabrowski. All right, and I'm Ed Larson. Yeah, I'm Kevin Barnett out here praying in my head every day.

And I'm Ben Kissel, starting off the Roundtable of Gentlemen. All right. Farting all the day long time. Well, I'm Holden, I guess. off the round table of gentlemen. All right. Farting all the day long time. Well, I'm Holden, I guess. Yeah, now I have to be Holden McNeely, but it's terrible. And with us as always, Marcus Parks is the newsman. So it's been a real bad week for white supremacists.

Ah, that's never good. That's tough. Oh, and by the way, I failed to mention Henry Zebrowski and the Chug-a-Hut, ladies and gentlemen. Chug-a-hut, chug-a-hut, chug-a-hut, chug-a-hut. I want to be on the podcast. You're not good enough. I want to be on the podcast. You're not good enough yet. You've got to work harder.

He's shamed around the neck. No one with credits on the podcast, Henry. No one with credits. Come on. This story has one of my... Our first story has one of my favorite headlines that I've seen in a long time. Adolf Hitler Campbell taken from parents.

So Hitler's his middle name? Yeah, Hitler's his middle name. Wow. So these fuckwads in New Jersey named their kid. That's nice, man. All right. All right. This lady and gentleman in New Jersey named their third child Adolf Hitler Campbell.

Nice. Their second child was, let me check right quick. Well, I'll tell you, if I was named Adolf, that would make puberty about a billion times worse. Oh, yeah. Her name was Jocelyn Aryan Nation Campbell. Now, is that a hyphenated Aryan Nation, as if the Aryan fucked the nation, they got married back in the day, and now they're together forever? It's just Aryan Nation. Okay. Yeah. Just one word? Yeah. No, no, they're together forever? It's just Aryan nation. Okay.

Just one word? Yeah. No, no, no. Two words. Two words. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the other one I can't pronounce. It's in German. Yikes. You describe as hobbits. Well, that's fascinating. So these kids got taken away in New Jersey. They got taken away? And what was the reason? First of all,

how old are they? How long have they been with these parents? Adolf is like three. Oh, he didn't even know that he was like the cutest little white supremacist on earth. Yeah. Little Nazi symbols there hanging up the aisle. It's adorable. Anything kids do is adorable. It's true.

Are they going to change this kid's name? Well, I suppose so. I mean, it depends on who adopts him. He has some good initials. A-H. That doesn't really roll. A-H. But that's why they took him away, though?

Is because his name was Adolf Hitler? No, no, no. They didn't take him away because of that. Yeah, because you can't take kids away just because you don't believe what their parents believe. Good, because I was going to name my kid Farty Nugs McNeely, and that would have been fine. And then you could do that. That's fine. In fact, I agree with you.

Okay, awesome. Thank you. What was great is how people found out that the kid's name was Adolf Hitler because the parents went to a grocery store and tried to get happy birthday Adolf Hitler put on a cake in the supermarket and refused to do it. That is so sweet. An all-white cake. Or do they allow chocolate cake?

I don't know. Oh, hell no. Of course not. No strawberry, no fucking... Not even a ribbon? I'm just confused, though. These parents seem like very, very nice people, getting their kid a cake for his birthday.

I mean, that seems like a sweet thing to do. It wasn't like they were feeding him cat food. Was it a chocolate cake? I don't know. It doesn't specify the kind of cake. It's like a race thing. I think Kissel just made that joke. No, I think Holden was just making fun of me.

I think you were just trying to make fun of me. No, I didn't. I literally zoned out, man. That's awful. I got hired. So, ladies and gentlemen, when you listen to this podcast, you're like, oh, why does it seem like Holden is fucking retarded? It's because he's not even here. He's mentally not here. You can't steal a joke that just got told.

It wasn't even a good joke. I don't even want it. I'm giving this shit away for free. Take it. Bomb twice. We have to re-edit to edit this out

in post-market. Take my chocolate cake joke. Please take it. Your fucking life sucks, bro. You didn't even deliver it better than Kissel did. It was so much worse. Yeah, man.

So is the, uh, is it marble cake? Do you have a cake?? Tapioca cake? Tapioca cake? Same bad joke told twice. Alright, we're good.

Welcome to the round table of gentlemen. Same bad joke told twice is our new slogan. So what's going to happen with these kids? Are they going to send them

to like a divert, what if a Mexican family gets them? That would be cute. That would be great. Well, the reason why they were taken away is because the parents were... I have to pull over the microphone right quick

to read this off. It is... They were taken from the parents because the parents suffer from unspecified physical and psychological disabilities. Racism! Racism! Racism! It's really crippling, man.

But the thing, this is my favorite part, is the wife actually slipped a note under the door of the next-door neighbor riddled with grammar, punctuation, and spelling mistakes. I'm going to read the note how it was spelled. I feel like this is the same note that Chris Farley sent to his parents from rehab. Hess already tried it a few times.

I'm afraid that he might hurt my children if they are kept in his care. So let's try to, okay, so what's the first, he's? Hess, yes, he's. So he's afraid. Yeah, he's threatened to kill her. Who is he? Her husband. Her baby daddy. Her baby he's threatened to kill her. Who is he? Her husband. Her baby daddy.

Her baby daddy. Bing Crosby. Bing Crosby. And so that's the reason they got sent away. I can't remember the whole thing. You read far too much for me to remember. Yeah, it doesn't matter. It was a chocolate cake they got him, though.

Yeah! It was a chocolate cake they got him. This is a rough one. You never know what's going to happen on the round table of gentlemen. Fruit noise! So that's why, because he was physically going to kill his wife. And children, yes. Was she a black woman?

Black as night. Interesting, interesting. What else happened to white supremacists? I mean, I think they're getting shit on all around, right? Oh, they absolutely are There was a white supremacist serial killer couple Caught in Panama So you wonder what is actually worse

If you were told that I'm a serial killer You would get judged But if I was like, I'm a white supremacist You would think worse of me, wouldn't you? I would hate you just the same, I think. Same thing? Same death, to use a Wisconsin term? Yeah, I hate both of them just as much. Does that mean they just killed

black people, then? No, Panamanians. No, Panamanians. Oh. Oh, and they're mostly... Are they American? Do they go to Panama to fucking just, alright, we're gonna kill this whole town? Yep. Damn. Damn. They were on there with a mission. How many people did they take down?

Five, but they're still finding bodies. Oh, I should hope so, because five is a terrible number for a serial killer. Oh, yeah. They were failures. You can't move to a totally different country and just kill five people. No. A serial killer. At least represent America.

Yeah, take five on your first outing. Yeah, exactly. We go hard out here, man. That's some bullshit. Don't take five on your first outing. Yeah, exactly. We go hard out here, man. That's some bullshit. Don't go by the way. They found five. The guy, by the way, his name is William Wild Bill Holbert. Awesome.

I love the name. Wild Bill. And he looks like a Wild Bill. Yeah? Yeah. He's got a Fu Manchu or what do you call it? It's one of those big mustaches. He's fat.

Fat. Wearing cut-off shirts. Wearing cut off shirts. Wearing shirts. Cut off shorts. So when did Larry the Cable Guy start doing this character? He's definitely very dedicated to this one.

Most of the victims were American. Oh. That makes sense. Yeah, it does make sense. He convinced he is confessed to killing seven

including their own child because it was a husband and wife duo. seven, including their own child. Because it was a husband and wife duo. They killed their own child and another young couple. Did it come out with squinty eyes and they were just like, it's Asian. We just kill it now. No, it's just a baby. It's all blue because it came out of your uterus.

Baby, you birthed a whale. You fuck a whale, baby. Baby, you don't lie to me. You fuck a whale. birthed a whale. You fuck a whale, baby. Baby, you don't lie to me. You fuck a whale. And before they left to go to Panama, they sold a house that wasn't theirs.

Well, they're real estate geniuses. That sounds great. That's a hell of a racket. So now they're fucked for life. I mean, are they arrested by Panamese? Panamanian. Oh, Panamanian. Oh, that's unbelievable. I feel like they should just have a goofy cartoon where they can do whatever they want.

Handbills can't hurt those people. Right? So now they're arrested there and they're going to go to prison there forever? Oh, well, they're in a South American prison. Oh, that's sweet, sweet revenge for a white supremacist. Panama. Panama's still the last North American country. Is it now?

Yes, the Panama Canal separates North and South America. I mean, Kevin, what would you do? You've got a white supremacist. You can do whatever you want with him. You have a room alone for, like, let's give you five hours. What do you want to do? All the rage in the world. I mean, I'm just, dude, I really don't care about anything.

That's the problem. I mean, instead of saying, they'd probably look at you and be like, oh, you're one of the good ones. And you'd be like, I'm just, dude, I really don't care about anything. That's the problem. I mean. And the saddest thing is they'd probably look at you and be like, oh, you're one of the good ones. And you'd be like, I kind of like him. I kind of like this guy. He's dead on. I am one of the good ones.

That's the thing, man. I've known plenty of racist people. I've been fine with them. They were like, hey, man, you're cool. And fuck, I really don't, I'm not worried about it. But, I mean, if they're, all right, five hours alone with a dude who's, we probably just have a good time. Should play just jazz music for five hours straight. His brain would pop like the movie Scanners or something. I try to turn to him, man, like, dude, have you listened to Coltrane?

I mean, come on, this is some good shit. I don't know, I think, like, I got some relatives out shit. I don't know. I think I got some relatives out in Panama I don't know about. Apparently my grandfather was out there fucking the whole world. It doesn't surprise me. He helped build the Panama Canal apparently. He had a bunch of kids out there.

I know he was in the Korean War for a little bit. Probably got some kids in Korea. There's a whole other family of people out in Jamaica that I've never even met. Oh, my God. And I have 13 aunts and uncles from him just with my grandmother. The sentence is like BB before Barnett and AB after Barnett. The population just tripled. They're like, what the fuck happened?

I think a Barnett must have come over. Wait, so your grandfather had a secret family in Jamaica? Yeah. Well, the thing about my family is they're just really, they're fucking just always real secretive about, like, there's crazy shit will happen, and, like, you just won't hear about it. Like, no one will say shit to me. Like, for example, I have a half-brother in Jamaica who's, like, 35. What is he, like, 3'11"?

I mean, come on, 3'11", half brother. Hey, I got it. Half brother. I got it. Holden, you want to try that one? No. No, you're not going to try that one? I thought you were picking up my trash, making something beautiful out of it.

How high are you right now, Holden? I'm not even high, man. It's been a long week. We're in the fucking warehouse, man. Your eyes are closed, though. I don't know if you know that. You and your fucking warehouse. I'm so sick of this fucking're in the fucking warehouse, man. Your eyes are closed, though. I don't know if you know that. You and your fucking warehouse. I'm so sick of this fucking warehouse.

Stop your crying, man. There's no air conditioning. They whip us with like fucking, but with like weird shit, with like Twizzlers and shit. Is that why you watch eight movies a day on my Netflix account? How do you get to watch streaming movies? We don't have to bring in like the luxury part of it. I don't want people to know. I know.

Imagine you're on Facebook. I'm at work. I don't want people to know. I know. I see you on Facebook. I'm at work. I'm working so hard. This sweatshop. Fuck you, man. I always love those Facebook messages. I'm just so busy right now. It's like, oh, really?

You had enough time to write that? Come on. Yeah. So you got a half-brother in Jamaica. Yeah, yeah. And I didn't even know he existed until I was about 20. And it was just like one time we were moving to a new house in Tallahassee, so our parents were driving us up with some shit.

And our dad was in the front seat, and he's like, all right, so you guys know you got a half-brother in Jamaica. He's, like, 32 right now. That's just so you know. So you know. You already knew. So you know, because, like, you have the ability to foresee the future and that's how this conversation.

Yeah, it's fucking crazy, man. I met him like six months after that when I was in Jamaica and it was weird. He has like three kids, now my nephews, I guess. Yeah. It's wild, man. Might as well claim him. Yeah.

Name's Wayne. Oh, Wayne. That's a shocker. He almost sounds like a white supremacist. Wayne, very bad name. Wayne Barnett's a shocker. He almost sounds like a white supremacist. Wayne, very bad name. Wayne Barnett. Wayne Barnett. I love your stories about Jamaica because it completely shatters what white Americans think of Jamaica.

Everyone's like, it's beautiful, like a sandals resort. And your stories are just so hellacious. Well, didn't you... I hate it, man. I hate it so much. That place sucks. Fucking a hot ass gets shot at. There's no food ever Yeah you were

You were there right Before all that shit broke out Like a few months ago right I was there during it too Was that I was there during it too I remember like It was all

Cause we were staying in We were staying in Mountain View Kingston That's where my grandparents live And a couple of my aunts live and shit And so we were staying out there And it was already like That's already like a dangerous area

And like there was like We'd hear gunshots at night most nights or whatever and I think like four days in the prime minister had an address on it was just like

on every channel I remember dad was like oh prime minister you should watch this I didn't know I didn't care I didn't know what was going on over there

I was like oh you watch it and then it's like after that dude yelling out a potato crate in the middle of town oh it's official, after that shit. Dude yelling at a potato crate in the middle of town.

Oh, it's official. He has a crate. That's the thing, man. Jamaica, people just in the streets. You know how people are like, oh, I'm on the streets out here. No, Jamaica, they're just in the streets all day, all night, just for hours. There's fucking goats out there. There's dogs with, like, dog titties everywhere.

Cars out there. Dog titties. Big old succulent dog titties. Just everybody's out there, man. Dude, how many cars on fire have you seen in Jamaica? Dude, there's a lot, man. I've seen a lot of shit in Jamaica, man. I remember I saw a dude get hit by a car on a bicycle. And he just got up.

He was like, what the fuck? And he just got up and, like, nobody did anything. Like, the car just drove away. He just sat there sad. Yeah, so the prime minister had his address. And I remember after that, it was like shit hit the fan, man. Because there was already certain streets you don't even drive down streets. People are like, oh, what's the fastest way you can get through territory on land safely in a car behind closed doors?

That's a car. You do that. Don't even do that. You can't do that. It's that bad in certain streets. And after that, just shit hit the fan. They're like, don't leave your house. And this was because of the, what was the name of the drug dealer?

I think the dude turned himself in now. Yeah, it was Dudus Coke. And he was like the dude who provided. His last name was Coke? Yeah. It he was like the dude who like provided. His last name was Coke? Yeah. That's wild. That's, yeah, that's his real name.

And he had the whole city on lockdown and everything. Yeah, shit was going, because they were trying to extradite him. This is actually, this is the beginning of Demolition Man. He's not sent in, fucking. Present day Stallone. He would have gone in there and destroyed. Hell yeah. They were trying to extradite him out here

and there's all these people that were just like such a... It's divided because there's so many people who was like such a big fan of the guy and supporting the dude. Yeah, because he was giving them actual money for their work and shit. And protection and shit. Yeah, and so there's people blocking off roads to the airport and shit

so that no one could get out of Jamaica. I had left just before, like, I left, like, the day they started doing that. And some of my cousins were still there. I love what you said about them, like, watching TV. It was like they were watching the murders from, like, oh, my God. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. One of my cousins was like, because, yeah, they were, I think it was like I left on a Thursday. And they were supposed to leave on a Saturday.

And they were stuck there until, like, the next Wednesday or something like that. Jesus. And I was like, yo, how is it down there? They're like, well, I'll tell you what we're doing right now. We're watching the gunfight that we heard last night on the news while listening to another gunfight. A little taste of the future. It's like when Snooki got arrested for public drunkenness. I can't wait to see the episode of Jersey Shore.

Oh, yeah. What was it? Whale Watching? The post headline? Whale of a Time. Whale of a Time. They should have sent the white supremacists into Jamaica. They could have had a huge brawl. Everyone that needed to die would have died. It would have been fantastic. What did she scream when she got caught? Release me!

You know who I am? I'm Snooki. I'm Snooki. Like that has weight, like she's John Lennon or something. Release me. Release me. She's only 4'11". Oh, it would be so cute to see her in handcuffs. A little sweetie pie.

It would be adorable. Absolutely. But yeah, that's not the... White supremacists that did all die actually took place at that Connecticut warehouse. Fascinating story. We talked about it on Dog Shit last night. Dog Shit, best show in town, by the way. Hell yeah.

All right, all right. All right. Yeah, this guy, I'm sure everyone listening to this has heard about this by now. Guy went into a warehouse in Connecticut and shot and killed eight people, wounded three others, all of which that he said were racist.

Yeah, I didn't know that he wounded the three. I thought he was just dead on the whole time. Nope, nope, just wounded three others, all of which that he said were racist. Yeah. I didn't know that he wounded the three. I thought he was just dead on the whole time. Nope, nope. Just wounded three. Ah, come on. That's too bad. That's too bad. He said he wanted to kill more.

Yeah, wasn't that? That was also a post headline, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was it. I wish I killed more. I don't know how much I'm buying this whole story anymore. Yeah, what do you think, Eddie? I don't know.

I feel like this guy got fired and was pissed off, and he's just looking for a reason to kill people. Yeah. Yeah, and if you play the race card in that situation, you know, you're going to get a little bit of sympathy. Yeah. It's a fine excuse for this action. He said that he had proof of the racism, but they didn't make mention of what proof there was, right? What proof? What proof?

I don't know. I don't know. Do you have a flip cam on him? Probably not. Probably couldn't afford it. Maybe. Maybe a couple guys at the place, but for that many people to be that openly racist somewhere. I don't know. In Connecticut?

Well, a Connecticut fucking beer distributor. I mean, I don't know. Maybe. I'm telling you, the number that staggers me is the 200 employees and only two black people in a beer distribution place. That just seems like a pretty... That seems a little weird. Yeah, that's very bizarre. You would think that would be a job that would be very diverse. I thought Connecticut was a progressive state.

I thought they had a... I think it's got its backwoods, man. I was upstate in Minerva, New York. That place was fucking just as crazy as any other town in the south. There are crazies everywhere. Anywhere where you're out in the middle of nowhere, man, everyone's just fucking having bangs with weird trees and shit. All kinds of bangs.

Poisons and putting them in each other's eyes and stuff. Oh, yeah. Space mutants coming out of the swamp, and you got, like, crazy ass, like, hairy, like, big hairy women just, like, wanting it, man. Just want it so hard. Just want to get it. You know? Or, like, but, like, racist people, too.

Yeah. Or racist people. So. But I feel like they're out there everywhere, man. Like, the race, like, I feel like everybody, there's, man Like the race Like I feel like everybody There's Everybody has like Some racism in them

But I remember like For example Like there's this one kid And he's actually from New York I don't trust Hawaiians They're terrible That's my big thing Fuck those cunts

How could you man Give her that pizza Who the Fucking what Yeah right Mikulaki what Mikulaki Who

Fuck you I wish we had a good word for them Slap the ass eyes. No, man, like, I'm racist towards Haitians half the time. But that's just because that's a Jamaican thing. Haitians will stab the fuck out of someone real fast. I remember, like, I didn't know, like, why it was, like, Jamaicans just hate Haitians for whatever reason.

And it's like, I remember, like, growing up in Miami, it was like the worst thing you could say to another black person was call them a Haitian. You could say anything you want about their mom. You could say anything. You could say the worst shit in the world. But as soon as the end of every argument was like, you know what, man?

You a Haitian. Everyone was like, oh. They call it the H word over there. The H word. It was so bad. We always thought, I mean, it's bad to make fun of Haiti now because of the disaster and everything. It was a bad. We always thought, I mean, it's bad to make fun of Haiti now because of the disaster and everything. It was a disaster before that.

No, exactly. We were like, our descriptions of Haitians were like, man, fucking Haitians were moving fucking off colors, wearing purple and orange and shit with their lopsided heads. That's how you always know it was a Haitian because they had lopsided, they all got lopsided heads, man. They do, man, from hitting their head against trees. Because they're so stupid. We just lost Haiti. That goes for our whole Haitian crowd. One dude sharpening his knife now.

Just listening to it the same way I listen to fucking Glenn Beck. What the fuck is this? Fucking voodoo curse on the show and shit. Now I got to fucking practice anti-magic. Voodoo! I always thought it was like a generational thing, man. But I remember one time I asked my dad, I was like, dude, I think I was like 17 or 18. I was like, dad, how do you feel about Haitians?

And his response was just, oh, God. He was like, yeah, some of them is, some of them is, but not the most of them. Oh, God. That's all he would say. response is oh god what do the Haitians do that's so bad I mean I don't know what it was man but it was just like, we would see them. I remember we played basketball or something like that. And we'd see, oh, the fucking Haitians come walking up. We would talk like they walk like dinosaurs or something. We'd be like, oh, this is how the Haitians walk. We'd throw our hands down like a T-Rex type thing.

This is why we brought you here, Kevin, so you can just openly diss on Haitians and we can just sit around and laugh. It's a great week for white supremacists in this room. I'll tell you that much. This is just fantastic. We're the best. We are better. This is my little white supremacist.

Do you know who's running for president of Haiti? It's Wycliffe. Yeah, Wycliffe. He owes $2.1 million in taxes. Yeah. Where? In the U.S. Yeah, yeah. Wycliffe. He owes 2.1 million in taxes. Yeah. Where? In the U.S.

Well, not in fucking Haiti. Not anymore. Now he's in Haiti forever. Well, he can't get him. They know where he is. He's going to get fucking murdered. Oh, yeah.

Why would he do that? That's so fucking stupid. It's a stupid-ass job. It's a dumb... President of Haiti? I think being a high school principal in Stevens Point, Wisconsin has more clout

than president of Haiti. Who gives a fuck about president of Haiti? What's being a high school principal in Stevens Point, Wisconsin has more clout than President of Haiti. Who gives a fuck about President of Haiti? What's his protection? Cardboard? It's like, come on. That's ridiculous. There was some fucked up stuff happening in Wisconsin earlier this week. A drunk pregnant woman

tried to hold up a taco stand. Just don't even say that. In Wisconsin, she's just called a pregnant woman. Don't be so mean. Drug pregnant woman tried to hold up a taco stand. I love it. A Taco Bell. Or Taco John's. Taco John's. Which is even worse.

If you're going to steal from a taco restaurant, at least do the bell. Run for the border. Her line was, I want a soft shell taco and this is a stick-up. Give me all your money. Wow. How much did she get from Taco John's?

She didn't get anything from Taco John's. Did she have a gun? No. Her baby did, though. She called it a stick-up, just drug. She had a hammer. Yeah! That's badass, all right?

You know, at least she tried to go badass. Yes, stick up. Bam! She couldn't even get the hammer out of her pocket. That's a tough thing to do, man. Well, especially in the pregnant pants, you know? Like, it's got to be difficult. She was wearing overalls.

Dude, she was wearing a muumuu. She was not wearing a muumuu. A floral print muumuu. What the fuck? Was it her graduation day or something? Why so nice for Wisconsin? That seems very sharp. Little known fact, Henry used to wear a muumuu and cowboy boots back in college.

Oh, chuckle on. How'd that work out for you? I guess it was a dashiki. Come on up. Come on up. It's called a dashiki to you and only you. To me and to the thrift store

that I bought it from. It was run by him. I just wore it because it was breezy. I was huge. I was 70 pounds heavier than him right now. I wear loose clothes. You have to. I wear loose clothes.

You might as well just wear a tent. Don't you remember putting a rag on the end of a long wooden spoon and cleaning Henry's tits? Yeah. I used to just roll around in puddles. I remember one occasion

when you were directing a play and you were wearing the dashiki and you started itching yourself. I was directing a video sketch and I was being an asshole beforehand and I rolled around in the grass for laughs. Everyone was laughing. Did they laugh?

Or were they just like, oh, there's a big fat man in a moon we're rolling around right now. Everyone came around. Oh, that's our director. Yeah, dude. Oh, this will be good. The mayor was there.

He was delighted. But then I sat down in the auditorium and we were filming the scene. This is like three hours later though, right? Oh yeah. And I just saw

an ant on my arm and I was like, oh, there's ants in here. Yeah. There's ants in here. I like looked down and I had like a good two dozen ants, like, all in my chest, and in, like, the folds of my sides.

Three hours after the fact, it was just like, I'm covered in ants! I'm covered in ants! It's like, ran, like, ruined the take. That is ants heaven, just rolling around your fleshy body for the rest of their existence. You were looking for sugar! And it is, you do hide, you were hiding sugars back then in the crevices. That's because I love tea. Just sugar cubes shoved into the folds of your stomach breasts. It just melts slowly and he's just always licking at them.

Yummy, yummy. I call it my sappy tree. Damn, man, you just sound like a dude I wouldn't want to hang out with here at college. I was sweet. He was covered in simple syrup. Yeah, if you were an asshole, I don't think that would have worked out so well. You better be nice rolling around in the ants. Back when me and Henry used to live together, we used to go on these chocolate milk runs at like 4 in the morning.

Henry used to live together. We used to go on these chocolate milk runs at like four in the morning. We'd just get like two quarts of chocolate milk and a bunch of Star Crunches and down it while watching Deadwood. Yeah! Well, Henry used to, when we were younger, we would always drink milk late at night. And one time he came out. Wait, now is this a running theme in your life? Juggle out on Henry. I drink

close to a half a gallon of milk a day. So do I. You don't get the bups? You don't get the old burbly guts? No, not at all. That's why when I would be doing homework because Henry and I were in this hardcore high school program and he was a senior and I was a freshman

he would come out with nothing but his tiny boxers on because they're always way too short on him. core high school program, and he was a senior and I was a freshman, he would come out with nothing but his tiny boxers on, because they're always way too short on him. You can see everything. And he would like... He would have his plaid shirt tied onto his head, and he would because he's covered in hair, so he

would take the whole milk and pour it onto his chest. And it would catch, because he had so much hair, and he would scream, I am the prince of the night! And he would chase me around the house and shake the milk at me

from his chest. I've never heard about this. You should be a millionaire. I don't understand how that didn't take off forever. I mean, you are the prince of the night. Yeah, right? Covered in milk, shaking it at your sister? We're fucked up.

Yeah, I'm sure you never lapped it up off those sweet, sweet nipply teeth. Well, it was because of the sugar cubes underneath the breast made it hard for me to enjoy the milk when I was sucking it. Exactly, yeah. I would have suckled all over you, Henry. I've had good times with a lactating bosom. Those are the fantastic little treats. I'm sure it was great. Yeah.

Really sweet, sweet nectar of the whores. You want me to repeat that one? You're drinking out of titties, man. Drinking out of titties. Oh, I love it. It's so funny. Okay, to change it.

You mentioned... Inside thoughts. Yeah, inside thoughts, because we've talked about this as an insider. I wanted to relate to the story. All right, Kevin. You mentioned dinosaurs earlier. They're now coming out and saying triceratops never actually existed. Yeah, man.

Fuck all this shit, man. It's fucking bullshit. Bullshit. Fucking shit. They're just- Pussy ass scientists coming out with this shit nowadays. Fuck you. It's like news I don't want to learn, man.

I want my money back from all those fucking- I normally say these hoes today, but now I got to start saying these scientists today don't want to learn, man. I want my money back from all those fucking... I normally say these hosts today, but now I got to start saying these scientists today. Fucking piss me off, man. I just feel like they make this shit up because they have nothing else new to say about dinosaurs because they're fucking slacking on their fucking archaeological motherfucking digs. You know what I mean? Paleontology. Yeah, archaeology.

Bullshit. I like archaeology better. I'm with theontology. Yeah, archaeology. Bullshit. I like archaeology better. I'm with the Jacks. These fucking slackers. They've been sitting on this information for decades just so they can show like they're still doing work. They haven't done shit in years. Exactly.

I want my money back for all those fucking shitty ass toys I bought. They're doing shit right now. Discovering new things. Yeah, but how do we know that's true? They're not discovering new things. They're debunking old things that they once discovered that were new things. Dinosaur is big and scary. Good ad, man.

Good ad on to that. Thank you. Thank you. That was 100% you, too. You can steal that from nobody. Henry passed him a note, actually. Henry passed him a note that said that on there. We just saw Holden's primal self.

actually. Henry passed him a note that said that on there. We just saw Holden's primal self. I was scared of dinosaurs like an idiot until like eight years old. I was just like, there's no way they're not coming back. Well, if they rained once, you know how, maybe

they'll rain again, but maybe next time it's just gonna be huge bugs instead of like lizards. That's what I'm worried about. Big old sea cockroaches. Huge bugs did rule the earth at one point. Did they? Did they? Mechanic bugs.

It's called Ronald Reagan. Am I right? Am I right? Come on. Drug policy? No, I discussed this. Let's get the vote in on this. I was discussing this with Tim the other day.

All right. Human-sized cockroaches. Immediately blow your brains out? My answer is yes. Yes. I mean, what's the other option? I mean, try to live, you know. Try to win. Yeah, in a post-apocalyptic world. Yeah, but they're already hard to kill.

Yeah, I mean, we had one in our apartment the other night and he stepped with his big old thunderous stamp foot and it was still alive. Got it. Twice. It was so big. I love that you walked in the room too with a big smile. You're just like, there's a fucking huge cockroach on the wall that I do not

want to even get close to. No! Kev, what do you say? Let's go around. I think about it though. How disgusting could a human-sized cockroach be? What type of filth can they get into? I mean as gross as the small I mean it's just a big cockroach I mean it's they move how they move and shit you know I think I would be fine with it because then I would feel like I'm living in Starcraft and these are some Zergs coming at me.

I'm like this is my dream man! You're always with the Starcraft. You're an incredibly adaptable person. I'm telling you man I'm telling you man I fucking got in Zach's ass the Starcraft. He's an incredibly adaptable person. I'm telling you, man. I'm telling you, man. I fucking got in Zach's ass the other night. Zach, you listen to this? Whoa! Got in Zach's ass.

I broke in your asshole. Destroyed you. You can do shit. And I'm talking about it on stage and on this podcast. You suck. You ain't shit. You're never going to amount to nothing. I'm better than you.

I got a prostate that wants to be milked. If you want to get in there, that would be nice. Ben, what do you say? What do you say? A human-sized cockroach. I mean, it all depends. How aggressive are they? Are they running for political office?

And they move like they do now, but on a human-sized scale. They fucking eat everything. Yeah, yeah. They eat everything. I mean... They move as fast as they do now, but, like, huge. Yeah, I don't really want to be their dinner, but if I blow my brains out, I'm going to be their dinner no matter what.

I fight. I mean, I'm going to fight. I'm going to try to do whatever I can possibly do. I'm never going to be able to break their skeleton, though. I'm never gonna be able to break their skeleton though I'm never gonna break their exoskeleton definitely eggs in your stomach yeah you have to construct a gigantic toilet you know and that'd be really difficult to put together like the only thing you can do I guess is just to like oh murder one of them exactly so if we get one all around roll around like a cockroach. Just like Crocodile Dundee.

Ah, yeah. You can do that. I buy a plane, man. Just fucking sail. Just fly forever. You're just going to sail in a plane? Sail in a plane, man. Get my sky boat.

I don't show no. King Koopa? You playing Final Fantasy right now? Sky boat. Jackie. Man-sized cockroach. She's just going to have sex with it. She's just going to have sex with it. She's just going to have sex with all of them.

And now they're going to birth. It's got four dicks! You're the reason it came to Earth. You're the first one to birth the human fucking cockroach. Cockroach immediately gets on OkCupid. I'm just interested in Jackie Zabrowski. Oh, he likes me.

He likes me. I have to sleep with him the second I meet him. Better do it. Uh-oh. I hear he's got a nice place in the East Village. Do you think that I could reproduce with a human-sized monster? Absolutely. You could reproduce with anything. You're incredibly fertile.

Yeah, I'm very fertile. You could make a giraffe man, a shark man, anything. Definitely not a woman, though. No woman's coming out of you. Do you think it would be born with an exoskeleton and with my big, beautiful brown eyes? Yeah.

The worst part about exoskeletons is that it completely eliminates titties. Not only are you not going to blow your brains out, you're going to help the cockroach to reproduce. If I can stay safe, I also want to get together help the cockroach to reproduce. Well, I mean, if I can stay safe, it'll be like, I also want to get together

with the head of a mafia so that I can be safe forever. So there you go. I think that really, strategically, that would be the smartest thing for me to do. I mean, ultimately, you could rule the world if you did that. Yeah, I know. You'd be queen of the roaches. I could be queen

of the roaches! Much like Kerrigan be queen of the roaches. I could be queen of the roaches. Much like Kerrigan became queen of the Zerg after being infested. Kerrigan's been infested for 12 years. We've got to do something about this. I just want to take us back two seconds here. I said the worst part about an exoskeleton is the fact that it doesn't have any titties. And then every dude in the room, without even pushing one, yeah! That ends.

Now the fact they have eight legs and a face that wants to rip out your asshole. They just don't have any titties. That's the main problem. Can't get that sympathy vote. What would you do? Blow your brains out. Blow your brains out and fight the beast.

You gotta fight the beast, man. Fuck cockroaches, man. Fuck them all. Every cockroach, they're aliens, man. Pop, pop, pop, roll, pop, pop. Fucking done, dude. Slot, slit, blood, fucking flying up in the wall. There's gotta be a way to kill a cockroach that we haven't figured out yet. If they were large enough, maybe a certain tone would blow their brains.

Gasoline. Something more powerful than a nuke, maybe? Because those don't have nuclear holocausts. I used to, I made, back when I worked at this very, at this place in Tallahassee, I won't mention the name, we had a horrible cockroach problem. That's the censorship rule that you just put in place? That's the censorship rule. They were so bad, they grew hair.

They were infused with rats. I still love this place. It's a huge chain restaurant. It is. And so it was horrible there. I remember I was trying to find the nest of the cockroaches. I was looking. I saw

them run into this hole in the wall in the mop room. I took a bottle of bleach and I poured it upside down into the hole in the wall. Then a flood of cockroaches just poured out. There's like hundreds of them. I just screamed like a little girl.

Stomping my feet on the ground, there's cockroaches everywhere. So if you ever wonder why buffalo wild wings taste so good, it's a little bleach cockroach. It's the name of the chain. I think they're going to be fine. He's wearing the shirt. That's all right, yeah. I'd say, for me, suit of armor covered in spikes.

Oh! Well, I mean, what do you... If you gotta think about, like, how are you gonna get through an exoskeleton... Well, first, how are you gonna get

the suit of armor? You make it. I mean, forge it. Yeah. I mean, I've been doing soldering all day long. I think I could make a suit of armor.

Plus post-apocalypse. Dude, you know Marcus is gonna fuck up first cockroach he sees and then jump on it and it's not gonna die and he's gonna be stuck to it forever.

Like every three weeks we'll just see Parks. He'll be like, I saw Marcus today. He's holding on then. Just eat a little bit of him every day. See, but I mean, I wouldn't get any armor because if anything I've learned about the world and anything the world has taught me is that the only thing that can kill such giant cockroaches would be love and kindness, man. There you go. Exactly. That's what I'm here for. Taking the Jaguars.

Fucking Soviets, man. These are cockroaches. But what about like a lot of hairspray? Like what about like a huge aerosol can of hairspray? Because you ever spray a cockroach hairspray? It fucking slows down. That's because it's sticky. It's sticky.

Yeah, their legs stick together. But not at that size. I mean, that says their legs are the size of our legs. Oh, your legs stick together, don't they, when you walk? Well, just from fat and grease.

Yeah. Exactly. And maybe they're going to be fatty cockroaches. You don't fucking know. I guess so. I don't give a fuck. Thanks.

They make me so horrified. I just want to immediately die if they're that big, if they're that huge. I mean, Chuckle, what do you want? Henry, you got something to say about this? The thing about these cockroaches is they're coming to America to take our jobs. Taking our jobs. All right? And they're coming in here.

I was going to say that. And all of a sudden, these fucking, these gay cockroaches. Oh, yeah. They're the worst. They're wanting to get married. All right? And then they're going to be... I'm just sorry. We just hope there's a couple of black ones that can make good music.

And then we'll be fine. I like it. Watch the changes, boys. Watch the changes. Alright, so Holden, I believe that we've got something from you. I mean, we've had a couple of performances from Fuck. I'm Fuck and Bad Mama Bitch. We're working on the track.

I'm Bad Mama Bitch. I'm sorry it's been taking so long. We've been in the fucking booth for like, I want to say we've put in like 32 hours in the booth this week. At least. Trying to get this track together. And we still have absolutely nothing. They were just fucking in the booth. They were just having sex in the booth this week at least trying to get this track together and we still have absolutely nothing they were just fucking in the booth

they were just having sex in the booth well I brought in these cockroaches he wasn't into it yeah showed up in this cockroach costume

just bailing at sex yeah but we're gonna get it we just need to work out a couple things to the beat but I brought in a special piece

I want to share with you guys I'm gonna give a little bit of like some poetry Some like spoken word Do you want an intro or anything? Like jam, the jammy

Or what do you call it? Slam poetry Bad mama bitch is going to back me up Okay, you ready to go? Yeah, I think we're, are you ready? Bad mama Bitch! Alright, yeah, we're going to you ready? Bad mama. I was born ready. Bitch! All right, yeah, we're gonna do this.

I'm taking the glasses off. Fucking big bad mama bitch. That's what I'm here for. Oppression. Yeah. What? I don't know. Concessions.

I wish. Chrono trigger. I don't know what it is. It was a good game. Yeah. Giving up mad vibes, girl. Give it to me, baby. Give it to me, baby.

I can't stand the way my people, my Scotch-Irish people been bred and fucked over in my life. Yeah, touch me in my lobes. Mad cow disease. Screw you, bitch. I wanted to make out with you. Give it.

But you said two more drinks. I say no. I say yes. Open up a can of tobacco dip. Shove the whole thing up your nostril. I will. Can't believe. I can.

I can't believe. But I can. I can't believe how badly my people have been stroked off. Yeah. Coming all up and down this ocean we call peace. Come on it. Peace. Come on it.

Peace in your brain. Come on it. Semen in your stream, girl. Oh, give me that stream. Slit. Bitch. Slit. You're a cunt.

All right. Slit. Round of applause. Wow. For fucking bad mom fit. That was fucking great. All right. I don't know how Mr. Simmons is listening.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I think we should wrap this episode up. Wrap it up. I do want to give one. We've got to leave on that. We have. Yeah, we're going to leave on that. We're totally going to leave on that.

Yeah, yeah, no, man. Yeah, no. Then that's the new. Well, we're putting that one on the album. New track coming out at you, 2010, sometime in 2013. Next week. Barnett, what are you most grateful for this week? Grateful for everything, but I really like that you mentioned Chrono Trigger,

which was illustrated by the same man who drew Dragon Ball Z. Oh, Dragon Ball Z. Akira Toriyama. Yeah. And as fucking Piccolo would say. Fucking nerd. Great job, man. I hate that.

Jackie, what do you got? Most grateful thing of the week. I am grateful for Kevin Barnett because it's going to be his birthday in about 20 minutes. Kevin Barnett! Happy birthday, Barnett! Eddie, you got anything good? Uh, no.

Nothing. Grateful for nothing. Newsman, grateful for nothing. I'm grateful for a lot of things. I'm grateful. Kevin, three words to describe this past year of your life as a 23-year-old man.

Three words? Damn. That's it, man. Three words? Damn. I'm going to thank President Obama for repealing the crack cocaine laws. That's my grateful week. Congratulations, Mr. Obama.

It was a fantastic move. And I think that's going to wrap up the roundtable. With us, as always, Jackie Zabrowski. Ay-yi! Ed Larson. Come on in. Fuck, a.k.a. Old Ed McNeely, the mastermind of rhymes. Food.

Good. Almost a mastermind of rhymes. Barnett, thank you so much. Chuckle Hut Henry. Hey-o! Newsman Marcus Parks. I've been Ben Kissel. Have a good commute. Have a good night. Be drunk.

If you're drinking, stay more drunk. Good evening!