The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 100: The Best Fans in the World

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On this, the 100th episode of the Round Table: a Satanist kills his girlfriend's little brother, a swarm of venomous spiders swarms a small town in India, and Anne Frank gets what's coming to her, finally. Plus, Michael Che, Jermaine Fowler, Sara Benincasa, and Hong Kong Henry Zebrowski drop by to help celebrate!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Alright, guard, ready to go! Alright, start off with a prayer. gentlemen. Always civility. Yeah! Alright, ready to go. Alright, start off with a prayer. Alright, everyone. Time to lead you in a good Catholic prayer. In the name of the Father, and of the Son,

and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. It's an actual prayer, I think. Kill the girl. By kingdom come, thy will be done

on earth as is and kill the girl. Give us this day our daily bread. Am I just hearing? I don't know. And forgive us our kill the girls. More than one girl.

Give us our trespasses. Lead us through evil. Lead us not into temptation And deliver us from Kill the girl amen In the name of the father And the son and the holy spirit Tell you what

I'm going to go ahead And say Don't kill the girl Just don't do it Let her live She's a nice girl Sounds like you're boring Alright

Welcome to the 100th episode Of the round table Of gentlemen Who are you? Get up, get up, get up Squirt, squirt Brooklyn

Who are you? Sitting over there, you beautiful, big old Titted, beautiful broad, I wanna fuck Are you introducing Henry? I'm Jackie Zabrowski That's a Kissel joke Ed Larson Holder McNally I'm Ben Gizzo, with us we got Henry Zabrowski That's a Kissel joke. That's a Kissel joke. Ed Larson.

Holder McNally. Jeff Barnett. I'm Ben Gizzo. With us, we got Henry Zebrowski. All the way from China. Oh, China, where the shoes are so small. Because everybody got to be so crowded. Oh, I got chopsticks in my shoes.

Oh, good. No, I got an ear in my fucking pants. Good idea. All right, Jermaine Fowler. Thanks for being here, Jermaine. Yeah, from Tibet. Woo! An awfully American.

All right, we got Sarah Benicasa. Thanks for being here, Sarah. Of course, I'm just here to bring cake and to tell you that people are wishing you happy returns on your 100th episode. Yeah! Oh, thank you, Sarah. And then, of course, round tabler of the year. Happy returns on your 100th episode Thank you Sarah And then of course Round tabler of the year

It's an honor Michael Che Michael Che Drinking beers Professional wrestling Chase is going to start coming in in fancy outfits He's going to have a manager and shit And a beer

And a roll He's the only professional wrestler who looks gayer Off the stage outfit's gonna have a manager and shit. And a beard. And a robe. He's the only professional wrestler who looks gayer off the stage, you know, with the boas and sucking all the dicks and things. Why is Che round tabler of the year? It's because Ed said that he was. He is not.

I was voted by a panel of fucking voters. We didn't vote. No one voted. Eddie was the only one that voted. I voted for all of you. It's because he said a racist thing when he was in seventh grade and he wanted to get his fucking good cred back with the Lord. I won the majority vote. Look, I don't want to explain the electoral college to you guys.

No. You know what, Michael? Before we get to you, Marcus, explain the electoral college, you fucking idiot. All right. When you turn 18, it's college time. I've heard that. That is true. Goddamn.'ve heard that That is true It is just an honor to be in your presence We are a true nigga, man

I love it You took the words right out of my mouth, Kevin Alright, Marcus With us as always, the newsman Parks, what do you got for us today, buddy? A 19-year-old Satan worshipper from Pacific, Washington is suspected of murdering his girlfriend's 13-year-old brother, Brandon Sir, who goes by the name of Master Dante 666.

He already had the word Sir in his name. I think he should have kept it. Did he fucking take my Xbox tag? Yeah, I was going to say, it sounds like a fucking Diablo profile. He is in custody at King County Jail on $1 million. Bail on Saturday and is facing charges of first degree

burglary, kidnapping, and murder. Just days before the slaying, the vampire-obsessed teenager had posted a license to kill certificate on his Facebook profile complete with a comment that read Got it today, so don't fuck with me bitches. How do you obtain a license to kill? What sort of

DMV? You right click and then you go save as. I love that he went through the legal steps to kill. He's like well I want to kill right now but I don't have a license for it. I better go to the place that allows me to do it. Yeah I'm looking at the license to kill right now. It's got a union jack for it. I better go to the place that allows me to do it. Yeah, I'm looking at the license

to kill right now. It's got a Union Jack on it. It's license number 007. This guy hit it. Henry Zebrowski with the first faggot of the 100th episode. Good job, Henry. And apparently these things

last for about three years. It expires on 5-8-2015. It expires on 5-8-2015. It expires? Yeah, it expires. You gotta renew it. Oh, my God. He's a secret agent. Do you just go to the police station to renew it and they arrest you immediately for all the murders you committed?

I don't know. Well, I mean, he also posted pictures of a bleeding stab wound in his hand and a trough full of what looks like blood, but I'm pretty sure it's ketchup. Eddie, what do you think? Ketchup? Oh, it's definitely ketchup. That's not blood. No. There's no way that's

fucking blood. No, no, no. I know what a trough full of blood looks like, and that's not it. I had a buddy in high school who had to get his hands registered as concealed weapons because he was a third degree black belt. Yeah. That's a real thing. This is a stupid thing for assholes and idiots.

Kevin, if you had to get a license for one thing that you want to do with your life, what would you get? Slapping butts, man. Big old butts. I don't have a license to slap butts. Puerto Ricans particularly. This is a dream of mine. Emphasis on Puerto Ricans. I believe they do have that license in Puerto Rico to get it.

It's like, wait, bitch, hold on. Look at this license, man. Oh, lo siento, papi. I'm sorry. No, no, no. Ka-chow! I've got to scan it to see if it is real. Oh, I guess I must be subjected to your butt slap.

That was still your Chinese impression. I'm sorry about the butt slap. I'm sorry about the butt slap. The booty slap is like the license. Thank you. We are pretty cheese. We can't have any cheese in China. Sorry, Asian. You can't slap butts when there's no butt to slap. So we're moving on.

Hold it. God damn. Hold it. What about you? You got one thing to slap. You got a license to do it. Or whatever. What license do you need?

To make this noise in the subway. Yeah! I do that three hours a day, and people have to give me quarters. Now I'm a licensed professional, you have to deal with it. Exactly. So is this guy getting off scot-free for the murder because he has the license, or did they arrest him? Oh, God, no. They arrested him. That license isn't real.

I thought everything posted on Facebook was real. On the license, it says, Restriction KGB. Whatever the fuck that means. That's the Russian people. Does that mean he can't kill the Russians? I think that means he can't kill the Russians. The major question is,

is he an organ donor? And maybe that's why he killed the person. Because he is. And he just didn't understand it. All it says is that he's six foot tall and his eyes are blue. How did he kill... Of course his eyes are blue. What does that mean? What does that mean, Michael? That's a very valid point.

Like a neo-Nazi or something? You know, black dudes don't get licensed to kill. They can't even carry around their normal license. We don't even get licensed. Best joke of the year. They can't even carry around their normal license. It's great because it's like true, you know. You can't even stereotype black people anymore.

Niggas are literally eating his faces, man. You guys are getting pretty fucking unpredictable. It's wild, man. He just had a permit. He just had one of those learner's permits to kill when he ate that guy's face. That's going to become like a slur. It's like, them fucking face eaters

have been moving into our neighborhood. Does George Zimmerman get off for killing Trayvon because of the face eater? I feel like it was an eye for an eye. The dude literally ate the guy's eye. Yeah. Kind of a fun joke. I think black people are just tired of being pigeonholed into one type of killing, like drive-bys and glocks and shit.

They was like, you know, fuck it, man. I'm just going to try to eat these people's faces now because people keep fucking stereotyping us. We diversifying, man. Yeah, man. It's the new niggas right now. Yes, we can. That's some change that I can believe in.

Somebody's gotta do that. Do the Obama poster but put a zombie on it and say, yes, we can. Dude, fucking eat a guy's face. I think Republicans did that, actually. They really did. Yeah, they did that. Actually, they really did. Shit's changing, man. Shit's changing. Right now we're ripping our faces. Who knows?

10 years? Tearing dicks off. I love it. You should call them Nambis. What? Anyway, I'm sorry. Nambis? What? N-word zombies? No, I'm sorry. Where?

Oh, I didn't bring in my gun. Blah, blah, blah. You're shooting me. Nambis? What does that mean? No, it doesn't. What does it fucking mean? No, it doesn't mean anything.

No, it doesn't mean anything. I'm not saying that they are like... Niggas, zombies is what you... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. I understand where you were going with that. I wasn't going for it. I know. You were... It was the nom, nom, nom, nom. I don't like nom, no, no. No, no, no. I understand where you were going with that. I wasn't going for it. I know.

You were, you was the nom, nom, nom, nom. I like nom, nom, nom, nom. But you're just a terrible comedian. You nailed it, Kevin. You nailed it. You nailed it. Oh, man. Good job on saving his ass from Jermaine kicking it on that.

That's fine. That's fine. Eddie, give us a description of this motherfucker. He looks like every kid that should get his ass kicked every time he walks out of the house. He tried to make his eyes red in another picture. He did it on purpose, it looks like. Yeah, everyone, check out this motherfucker. What a stupid...

He looks like Sheamus from the WWE. Yes, he does! Holy shit! God damn it. Only two people watch wrestling up in here, man. Absolutely. You know how many times this kid got his ass kicked just for fucking showing up to school? We ate niggas and killed them and shit.

He didn't eat no one. He killed a 13-year-old kid. It's a fucking pussy. Why did he do it? It doesn't say. The devil. Those details haven't come out yet. But he was dating a 16-year-old girl.

And he killed the 13-year-old boy. That's the girl's little brother? Really? I mean, the details on the murder are pretty scant. You don't say how he killed him? No, I don't say. Because I'm saying, if his name is Master Dante 666, and he just shot a dude in the face, he's half-stepping, man. You've got to do something with an axe or a sword or something. Absolutely.

And a sword, like Dante from Devil May Cry half-stepping, man. You got to do something with an axe or a sword or something. Absolutely. And a sword, like Dante from Devil May Cry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I'm guessing knife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm guessing butcher knife, kitchen knife. I'm going katana. Going katana?

Yes, day. Yeah. That's all that's fucking... No, the only true way for a Satanist to kill someone is that you wait for an entire family to be asleep and you set the house on fire. That's how you kill someone like the devil. I agree. Yeah, you set a fucker on

fire while his family watches and you get the little boy nailed to an upside down cross. I don't know how he fucking knows this shit. Because he's done it. He used to say this shit to me when we were like in multiple times. He used to say this shit to me when we were in middle school.

He would talk about this shit to me and I'm like, you've got to stop, Henry. You can't do this to the family. You can't. He discovered the joy of laughter.

The healing power of jokes. I had a little brother who talked exactly like you but he wasn't that morbid. I thought you were going to say fat. Right back at the game. Lost him with the

zombies, got him with the fat. Anywho. Jermaine's passed out in the corner fucking dying from sickle cell over there. The joke was so funny.

What? It's an East Arctic. I'm not saying it. You get saved and then you double down. I don't double down. Oh, anyway. Is sickle cell a black thing?

Yeah, man. Don't try and take our sickle cell shit. No one's trying to take it. Sickle cell originally is like a defense, man. It works to help prevent... I think it's Ebola or something like that. Oh, really? It fights that.

But over here in America, it just fucks niggas up. But back in Africa... And it's good for you, right? Yeah. OG niggas like the Sickle Cell. OG African niggas? Yeah. They love that Sickle Cell shit.

How do you guys like your word, Kevin? No, I know. I'm really learning a lot here today. This is great, guys. Thank you. Wonderful. That's what Roundtable's all about. We always said it's an educational program.

In fact, someone on iTunes said, everything I need to know in life, I learned on the Roundtable. Wow, they're probably going to be in our news stories when they eat something that's too tart. Probably that dude who shot the book. Exactly. When Holden mentioned katana,

you said that was a gay weapon. Why do you think that killing someone with a katana is gay? It's too thin. If I'm going to get some sword, I get the giant swords. Broad sword. Big-ass broad sword. Yeah, Claymore. Or a nightmare from Soul Calibur where one of those swords, but not a thin-ass katana.

Chainsaw, man. Chainsaw. Chainsaw is a good one. Because the best part of that is they can hear you coming and you don't give a fuck. Sure, you're going to run real fast. It's like an hour run, right? It's a good one. Because the best part about it is they can hear you coming and you don't give a fuck. You're going to run real fast. If I'm going to kill somebody, I'm going to cum on them to death. I don't give a fuck how long it takes.

I will figure it out. So you're drowning. I guess it would be drowning, but maybe I could... I feel like my cum's pretty acidic. I'd just burn the skin down. I eat a lot of oranges, girls! A lot of oranges. Sarah Benincasa, would you

rather be killed by a katana or killed by Holden's cum? Acid cum. Acid cum. I think I would rather be just bathed in Holden's acid cum because I feel like it would exfoliate my skin and I would be left soft and adorable. One moment, you'd be very beautiful.

That is so fucking gross. So Holden, the method you use is like a waterboard technique of semen? They're as terrified as a waterboard situation. Yeah, it's a cum board. I start on the knees. That's the thing. You gotta start low

and then you move your way up. But at some point, they just fucking, yeah. I like that strategy, man. You decrease in mobility at first. The joints are all fucked up. I like it. Stuck. They get all stuck in their bed.

I'm picturing it as more like a spa treatment. Well, I will dress up in a kimono while I do it. I'd picture you put a girl in the the pit and then every hour you keep coming back to jerk off in the pit and it'll take four years for you to drown her. Sounds like AIDS. We mentioned cum and waterboarding. Michael J.,

how much cum have you had in your nose? Because I feel like you can fit quite a bit of it. Racist! That's not racist! He's got a big nose! He's got a big nose! He's got a big nose! That's not racist!

That's a Jewish joke! He has a big nose! It's a Jewish joke, not a race joke! Nigga zombie! No, it's not! I said Namby! I said Namby! Michael J., how much jism can you fit in those big black nostrils?

It's not. I did not say that. I did not say that. I'm not going to say that. All right. Move on, then. Wait, who's semen, though? Is it Holden's thick semen?

No, it's another man's. Obviously. I spit out fucking crazy big floppy ghosts out of my shit, man. It's the boo. It's the boo box, dude. And it's terrifying. I met a girl literally start laughing there was so much of it shooting all over.

I just don't understand. I was like, oh, yeah, yeah. And then she was just like, ah! Then she just started laughing and stuff. I was into it. How much comes? You gotta be to induce a giggle fit? Yeah, that's a lot. Yeah, a bad cold.

Kind of. It's fucking nasty. It's fucking holding. Michael, if you had to swallow any round table or cum, who would you swallow? What the fuck is wrong with you? Because you're gay. Why am I gay? I don't know.

You can swallow Jackie's cum. You're gay, dude. It doesn't matter. Squirt, squirt. I mean, she would actually have to come, but... Yeah, it's not going to happen. Your first comedy album is going to be called Michael Che Loves a Dick.

That's what we know about you. In autobiography. You can say nobody, too, dude. You don't have to be all angry. I'm going to say nobody, which is my idea, not because Jermaine Fowler said it. But if you did, Michael, if you had to

choose between Eddie, Henry, myself, and Holden, whose jizz are you swallowing? Matt Barnett. Why not us? No, no, no. By the way, this doesn't have to be straight out the dick. It can be out of a Dixie cup. Yeah, whatever.

It could be chilled. Yeah, Marcus is attractive and Kevin is very attractive. But it's not about... When did this become a fucking come drinking intervention? I was just here to be funny. I wanted to drink to cocktails and I didn't want to think about none of you guys. Before, I think we probably should have been wrong, but I would say that in terms of this, it's not about how good-looking you are. It's about what you eat.

Yeah. So you really want to eat cum of someone who is eating. I take pineapple juice, by the way. Pineapple juice. Pineapple juice. Yeah, Mike, me and you had the same dinner, so we're right on the same page. It's like eating your own cum if you eat mine. Your cum, brother.

Yeah. It's just like swallowing. Your cum probably tastes exactly the same. Yeah. And you eat your cum all the time, right? So it would be just eat mine. Your cum, brother. Yeah. It's just like swallowing. Your cum probably tastes exactly the same. Yeah. And you eat your cum all the time, right? So it'll be just the same. Not all the time. What's that taste?

Huh? Have you tasted your own? Chalky? No, I've never tasted mine. Is it chalm? I don't know. It depends on the dude. Like, sometimes, like, if you drink a bunch.

We were just talking about this last night, Henry. Like, if you. I don't remember. I know, you were very drunk. Pineapple juice, right? You were very drunk. But it was like, if a dude drinks a bunch of coffee, their cum will taste like coffee. And if a dude drinks a bunch of beer, it'll taste like nasty beer.

So what if you just drink coffee and beer and nothing else? That's what I drink. Then it just tastes like a mixture of the two. That's kind of funny. What if you eat pussy, nigga? Yeah! Yeah! of the two.

That's kind of funny. What if you eat pussy, nigga? Yeah! It tastes like millions of delicious Chinese swimming pussies. So if you swallow a dude's cum

that tastes like beer, do you get drunk and vice versa with the coffee? Do you feel like really up and at him? No, generally, I feel vaguely nauseous

since you're asking. Forget about it. Wait, okay, so back to Che sucking cum. Hey, man. Did you leave Kevin out, the group of people to suck his cum? Yeah, because Kevin is an attractive man and so is Marcus. So you knew he'd pick Kevin, that's why you took him out? Yes, because I wanted him to diversify his ideas of cocks that he wants to suck.

So Che, would you have picked Kevin? Next story, Marcus. Yeah, yeah, sorry. We need to move on from the calm... This has gone on for way too long. It's gone on way too long. I can't believe it's still gone on this long. Can I interject with something from the internet?

You motherfuckers make me look... Yeah, sure, sure. Alright, hold on. A fan just posted on Facebook. The fan's name is Elizabeth Catherine. She says she has too many favorite episodes to recall. Love the round table. I hope Holden's mommy was able to come celebrate.

Winky face. Congrats all. Yeah, I really wish Holden's mom was here for this episode. She's dead, so. She's tight as a dickens in the face and in the legs. And we've got somebody agreeing with that. We've got a listener, Sridhar Rao, who says he's been listening to the roundtable

since he was 14. He says his favorite moment... He's 16 now. He's 90 or something. But still, he says his favorite moments are everything Jackie has said he agrees with, Holden's mommy moments, Ben describing

his family. You should do more of that, Ben. He says. Tell him to fuck off. Yeah, I think you just... What happened? What happened? I didn't say that. Kid just said that he loved you and you told him to fuck off? Jesus.

No, I didn't say that. I love you. Yeah, you did. That's exactly what you said. Is it recorded? Is it on record? What's wrong with you? Nothing. Will you please give a devotional to this fan right now? I love you so much. Thank you so much for listening.

It really makes me not fucking sad. Damn it. Jesus, man. Jesus, come on. I hate you so much. You know your beard? You grew in and it's changing you to a really mean person. No, I am not being mean.

You think that's the beard? That's the fucking beard. He changed. The problem is he looks so good with the beard, but now you're an asshole. I'm not an asshole. Thank you. That's what Hollister douchebag you do now. I can't fit in Hollister clothes.

You know I can't fit in Hollister clothes. And you're mad about it and you're taking out this nigga online. He is not a zombie. He's not a Nombie He's not a Nombie Don't say that about him He is black Well I love him And thank you for listening

You wonderful person You beautiful man I want to cuddle with you and suck your fucking sweet And he's also gay So he loved that. Aye. Would you suck his cum? Would you eat it? I would eat all of your cum, Sardar.

Sardar. I will suck your jizz. Send it to me in a fucking package. And I'll swallow it down. I'll smear it up like fucking... Exactly. Freeze dry it. Freeze dryer. Holden, your mother was mentioned.

This is the 100th episode. Do you have anything you want to say to mommy on 100th episode? Beanbag breasts. He's hard. I can feel him getting hard from across the table. Beanbag breasts. You know my sensuousness, so I don't need to

describe that to you, mother. I'm sorry it's Father's Day. I wish it was Double Mommy Day that day. If I could have two to three clones of you when the future comes, we're gonna fucking make it happen. You sad,

lovely bitch. What? Oh! That's nice. You're a weird fucking dude. If someone was like, oh, happy Christmas, Holden. I got you 50 copies of your mother's nipples.

I'd fucking buy that dude a... I'd buy that guy a BMW. 50 copies of your mother's nipples? I'd fucking buy that dude a... I'd buy that guy a BMW. 50 copies of your mother's nipples? Keep them in a drawer. Keep them in a... That's the thing. Or like an ant farm and the ants could kind of use them to burrow. That's kind of fun.

That's kind of fun, actually. I like that. I gotta go. Jermaine has to leave, but thank you so much for being a friend of the roundtable. We love you so much. If you're at home listening, give a round of applause for Jermaine Fowler. What a wonderful man and what a great guest he's always been.

I remember Shane doesn't deserve anything he gets, so he didn't deserve this at all. That's right. Jermaine have just touched hands, which is really, really pretty. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Get out of here, Jermaine have just touched hands, which is really, really pretty. Well, thank you so much. I appreciate it. Okay, get out of here, Jermaine, you fucking dumb shit.

Right out of something sharp. Serrett, take the seat. Take the seat. We have a Facebook message from Nicholas J. Cavallaro IV, one of our biggest ones. What did Nick say? Here's what he says. He says, picking a favorite round table

memory is like recalling your favorite yeast infection. Uncomfortable, yet oddly nostalgic. Here's to 100 more. Long live Hong Kong Henry! Yes! I like that. It's so hard.

I keep my feet so tiny so that everybody respect me. Wait, wait. Good, good. This is the, there was the dude who wrote that? Yeah.

Why is he getting so much yeast infections, man? His life is disgusting. You've never slept to the woman with a yeast infection? I've slept with a girl with a leaf infection,

but I've never gotten a yeast infection. What happened? Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. What happened? I've never slept to the chick with a... I hear horror stories.

It's stank man It stinks like old foot Is it like hard to put it in No I'd jam it on in there That's cause I'm the jammer They call me the jammer Here's a follow up comment that Nick made

If I had started listening to this show at 14, I would probably be more well-adjusted now or possibly homeless. I'm going to go with homeless. Good for you. All right. All right, next story. A mob of venomous spiders has swarmed the Indian town of Sadiya,

killing two people and flooding hospitals with spider bite victims. God, just, you know what? We need more tsunamis over there. Just take it all. Wait, hold on. Wait a second. What's going on? Huge spiders.

Where are these spiders coming from? The ocean, obviously. They have no idea. Why did the racism against Indians just start today? That's not happened yet I'm saying if you're hearing about An infestation of huge spiders Taking over a town

Get rid of the town Get rid of all of them Because they're going to come here next It is a previously unknown species Resembling a tarantula. It crawled in about a month ago and wreaked havoc at a tendu festival. A man and a schoolboy have already died, apparently from the bites, or from dubious treatment at the hands of witch doctors.

Witch doctors? Witch doctors? Yeah. Here's a quote. Witch doctors are they? Terrible. Here's a quote. All the bite patients first went to witch doctors

who cut open their wounds with razors, drained out blood, and burnt it. That could have also made them sick. Yeah, it sounds like that probably is what made them sick. Most likely. One or the other, but it's probably that one. It's probably like one day everyone's sitting down there because I... What do Indians eat for breakfast?

They eat cereal. Yeah. Yo, man. Look, I'm one-fourth Indian, man. Right now, one of my fucking appendages hates y'all. My arms are pissed. Can you imagine you come down

for breakfast and it's just like a little girl is there and then you look for your little son What was a good name for a son? What's a good name for a little Indian boy? How about I knew a guy in college named Navpreet

Navpreet, yeah, and then you look for Navpreet and Navpreet is in there it's just a spider with a Power Rangers shirt on and a hat on. So I'm like... And it's like, Navpreet, do you want your poo-poo milk? Do you want your poo-poo milk? Where are you going with this? Suck down that sweet milk.

Well, one scientist calls this spider highly aggressive. It's a highly aggressive spider that leaps at anything that comes close and remains latched onto them after biting. Burn the town. Burn it. I want them dead. We got a size. What's the size?

Size of a tarantula. It's venomous. So imagine about the size of your palm. Did you hear about this, the fucking, the Zagas? Oh, yeah, the Chagas. Chagas, yeah. What's going on with Chagas? It's a bug AIDS.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah. Good! It's a bug that gives you AIDS. Oh! Oh! No, no, no. Basically, it's like a mosquito or something.

It looks like a mosquito. It's a beetle. It's a beetle. It's a beetle. And it lands on you. It bites you. And it bites you. And then like 10 years later, your fucking heart explodes. It just lies dormant for a while.

Wow. No, this is real. How are they able to trace it to that? It's South America. Well, I mean, you can see. They can have the virus. It's called the Chagas virus. The beetle isn't called Chagas itself.

The virus is called Chagas. And it's usually in South... It was originally in South America, and it was isolated there. And in fact, Charles Darwin died of this. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He caught it down in South America years ago.

Hold on. Eddie, can I just hear you be excited about some knowledge again, please? Just say something intelligent, and I want to have you react to it. Alright, well, did you know that Charles Darwin died of Chagas disease? What? This is how he literally kicked out of seventh grade for being interested.

Really? You have to go, sir. You're being disruptive. You don't say. What? Charles Darwin died of of it and Martin Luther King died of it, which was, people didn't know he got shot, but died of the disease. After being shot, it was in a hospital, he died of the disease.

And then Nostradamus died of it. Hank Aaron was sick for a long time with it. It is curable, but you have to catch it very early, and it is a shitload of medication that you have to take. Including poopy milk. Including poopy milk, yes.

There's no symptoms for like 10 years. Once you start to get the symptoms, you're fucked. I never want to go outside ever again. Oh yeah, and by the way, guys, they're in America now. They were brought here by immigrants. Immigrants! Jackie! What are you gonna say? What are you going to say?

What are you going to say? It's time for a new segment on the Run Table. Jackie Zebrowski discusses her views on immigrants. So what do you think, Jax? They're bringing in bugs. They're bringing in smells. close the borders.

Close the borders. Hey, who's with me? Close them. We don't need them. We're all going to die because they're bringing in their chiggers and they're bringing in their Why do they bring in their chagas? No, chiggers are also bad. Thank you. Chiggers are a bug.

What's a chigger? They're kind of like fleas or more like ticks where they burrow. I once had 88. I kind of like that though, Michael. I thought she was a Chinese nigga. Get these jiggers

out of my pizza store. I would ask these jiggers to leave but they're working so hard but they can also dance amazingly. That's everybody who's winning at breakdancing right now. We've got a favorite moment from former guest Ron Krasnow. It is a sentence that Ed Larson said, Henry, your sister gets paid and come. This is the best sentence,

favorite sentence he's ever heard spoken. That's adorable. Well, that's very, very nice. Henry, how do you feel that your sister gets paid in cum? Well, she's poor, so it's fine. It's not bad. I'm rich in cum.

I'm just glad that she's She's got goals She's off the streets I ain't fucking no chiggers I don't know what that is I just wish she could just She could marry one I'm not racist You could marry a chigger

If that's what you'd like to do Jeremy Lin baby And I would be happy to have him in the family. But you'd have to do one of the hyphenated names and be Zebrowski Lin. That's not bad. That's not bad at all.

And we've got another Jackie moment from Matthew Marano, another former guest. One of his favorite moments, Jackie not understanding why a guy secretly coming in his co-worker's drink is a bad thing. Jackie's exact line,

take it as a compliment. No one's doing it to me. That's for sure. I think that means he likes you. I think it's like, I watch you in your cubicle. I jack off while I'm watching you. I put it in the drink. I give it to you. I think it's like I watch you in your cubicle. I jack off while I'm watching you. I put it in the drink. I give

it to you. I think it's like, you want to fuck me? Okay. Alright, let's do this. Be my cute fucker. It's kind of poetic in a way. I think it's great. I still think it's fucking amazing. It's romantic. Yeah, it's like that movie Roxanne.

It's like the modern day Romeo and Juliet. Yeah. Holden, have you ever come in a girl's coffee? No, not in her coffee. I've come in her OJ. I've come in her makeup. What happened when you came in her makeup? What happened?

She looked fucking beautiful. She looked beautiful. She'd be really soft. I mean, she kept screaming, my eyes, my eyes. But besides that... I imagine growing up as a kid, everybody's like, oh, this is fire, this is acid.

In your room, it was just like your jizz was on the ground. They literally stepped in it, they were done. He would uppercut people into that level of Mortal Kombat. Skeleton. Eddie, you ever come into a weird container? No. No, no. Unless the toilet's a weird container.

It is a little weird. You feel weird after you do it. Yeah. You don't jerk off in the bathroom? In a toilet? Where else are you going to put it? The bathtub. In a mason jar. What? Where else are you going to put it? The bathtub. In a mason jar. What?

The toilet's where you put the poo-poo. No, no, no, no. You jizz in the shower. Of course you jizz in the shower. What if you're not showering? Dude, you're a bunch of fucking morons, man. Jizz in the shower, jizz in the toilet, jizz in the floor, jizz in the sink, jizz in the ceiling. TV? Nothing cleans a TV LCD screen like a good fucking cord of cum.

I've got a lot of things clean better. A cord of cum? It's referred to as a cord or a court. A court. Mine comes out in blocks like goat cheese, though. So that's the other thing. You can really kind of contain it, hold on to it, put it in whatever.

That's because it's old. Yeah. Spoiler alert. It's tofu cum. I'm going to have to talk. I think we might need a Greek comedy radio about, or a cave comedy radio

about just my cum. I think this episode is about your cum. It's like 100th episode celebrating Holden's cum. Next story. We call it Holden Day. Get some cum thinner or something.

Exactly. Once the cum conversation goes past two minutes, that's whenever it's time to go to the next story. It was just a mistake, says a comic book publisher, but no one found it funny. In the latest version of a German comic book based on Disney characters, a duck dignitary

in Duckburg uses the word Holocaust as a congratulatory term to express kudos to hero firefighters. Here's the quote. Awards to our brave and always alert fire lookouts. Holocaust! Wow! I mean, it sounds kind of nice.

I mean, Holocaust was pretty successful in what they were going for. Technically, yeah. It was in the win column for them. I just want to start saying that now. It's like a cheers. Holocaust! Holocaust! That's the 100th Holocaust.

We just had a Tupac Holocaust on stage. At least it wasn't 6,000,001. That is a good point. Always look on the bright side of life. Holocaust is the same amount of syllables as Mazel Tov. Yeah. What is the original

motivation for the word Holocaust? What's the original definition? It means firestorm? It means like a huge fire. motivation for the word Holocaust. What's the original definition? Killing Jews? No, no, no. It means firestorm? It means like a huge fire. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, I see.

So if you imagine each Jew, a gypsy, or anyone of different colors. Homosexuals and retards. Don't forget them. Yes, but those are very much... Not to say that homosexuals are retards. But just saying homosexuals and retards. That they're each a tree. Right? And that, you know, the

Jew's tree stands tall and proud. Sure. And the black tree is beautiful and strong. Sure. And the homosexual tree is slanted to the side. And the retard tree is small. It's a bush. Yeah. And it was all set on

fire. Yeah. Until Americans came with their big, fat, thick, curdled fucking hoses and sprayed water all over that fire. That's World War II, yeah. They took retards too? The retards were the first. Retards volunteered. They just wanted to go to camp.

Camp? I love it. Oh, we get to go on a big choo-choo trip. I'm walking, but it's faster. So retards get to go to Israel and call it their day? No! No! Michael, you do have a good

idea. We should make a retarded nation like we did with Israel. The problem is that the Wailing Wall, you have to have a discipline to be there. I don't know if you can have a group of nine older retarded people sort of chained together with colorful ropes at the Wailing Wall.

I mean, you put nine retards in front of any wall, it's now the Wailing Wall. Yeah. Well, they're now the Wailing Wall. Yeah. Aw. I mean, well, they're fat and they're crying. I know this is the 100th, but this is definitely the last episode of the episode. There is jelly on the Wailing Wall. Someone has smeared jelly on the Wailing Wall.

So wait a minute. So when they say six million Jews, do they mean six million Jews or six million and like six million Jews? So how many retards did we lose? Like two dozen. Oh, it counts them? Oh, that's fucked up. That was the very first thing the Nazis did is they cleared out all the mental hospitals and killed all the retards first.

Well, look, wait a minute. First it was the retards, then it was the homosexuals, then it was the gypsies, then it was the Jews. Jews were last on the list. I think it was a good scale. I think that they moved up the ladder. Like, oh, who do we need around? It was definitely a climax. I'm not participating

in any of this. So wait a minute. How did they pick out who's a Jew? Was there like a Holocaust Jew test where they would like see which one qualified to get... Yeah, if you owned a bookstore. That was the test. I think if you cried when you got hit, you were a Jew.

I think that may be the single most despicable thing that you've said. I love Jewish people. Jewish I'm fine with. Kevin, what are your thoughts? Everyone knows you hate Jewish people and retards. Yeah, everyone knows it, Kevin. I was the one person not saying this shit. Exactly.

I didn't say nothing bad. I'm asking questions. Yeah, well, Michael Chase is ignorant. Well, this is true. What is the thing about Jewish people you hate the most, Kevin? I don't hate Jewish people, man. I love them. They got the jobs.

They give me money. It's tight. I'm not fucking hate on Jewish people right here. I'm trying to eat food. Well, there was that, you know, there was, I had a couple in my school. One threw a toolbox at a girl. A toolbox? Hey, we had a retard

in our school throw a saw at my brother. Yeah, I mean, they just throw whatever's next to them. But they're not doing it out of anger. They're just doing it because they think it's a game. They're going to stop having retarded people in shop class. It's like, what's going on here? They didn't know fetch was just for ducks. So what was Anne Frank?

Was she Jewish or retarded? Okay, he beats me, right? It doesn't matter. Does anybody know? What? What's the question? I said, what was Anne Frank? Was she Jewish or just retarded?

She was Jewish. She was Jewish. If she was retarded, she wouldn't have been able to keep quiet for so long. Yeah, that's the problem. That's a thick diary. Marcus, how do you cut off the cum story, but this has been going on for ten minutes? I mean, are you serious? What if Anne Frank's diary was all circles?

No! My favorite food is ice cream. What's yours, Mr. Diary? This is the drawing of an elephant. I call my diary Kitty because it looks like a cat. Kitty cat, kitty cat. Four pages of just writing Kitty cat.

I've enjoyed reading that a lot more in middle school than the fucking one I read. Fucking pictures of balloons. I'm Ed Frank. We've got another favorite moment here. Thank God. Move on. This is my favorite moment, the Ed Frank retarded diary.

What could be better than that shit? We got another one from Sweet Arb. It's all hand turkeys. I don't get to Michael. I hate Anne Frank. These hand turkeys are getting really good, Anne, but you've got to be quiet. He says that we were talking about an alarm clock for Henry, and all that it said was Jackie yelling, I'm wet as shit.

Then you all repeated it. So can we all do the I'm wet as shit alarm one more time as Jackie? One, two, three. I'm wet as shit. I'm wet as shit. I'm wet as shit. Hit wet as shit I'm wet as shit I'm wet as shit I'm wet as shit

I'm wet as shit I'm wet as shit I'm wet as shit I'm wet as shit I'm wet as shit I'm wet as shit I'm wet as shit I'm wet as shit

I'm wet as shit I'm wet as shit I'm wet as shit I'm wet as shit I'm wet as shit I'm wet as shit Exactly It just puts

Henry to sleep That's great stuff I should listen to the episodes Yeah yeah I think so And Speaking of the favorite moments Time for a segment

From Holden McNeely Fondest memories Of the On the 100th episode Of the round table Your fondest round table Memories I would kinda actually

Maybe Marcus If you could throw and knock it on heaven's door underneath this. Oh, yeah, of course. Alright. My fondest memory would definitely be when we discovered with Ben that he was molested

by his best friend. That was mine! That was mine! That memory when you found out that a trophy was stuck up your ass. And you just realized. And you just realized that it wasn't just bullying. You were straight up molested by your friends. That was my favorite.

I believe it was called Boys Will Be Boys. Boys Will Be Boys. That is my roundtable memory. God damn it. That's mine. It's kind of great because at least it was three people's favorite. I know.

The thing though is that it made me really sad. It was like magical. That was and that was still in the basement too so it was even weirder.

Super old. It was crazy back then. Absolutely. Those were some strange days. Everyone loved them all right he's got one all right I guess my favorite one was the time y'all challenged me to drink 10 tall boys and I was sober as a cat the entire time

finished all 10 then I walked outside and I did my martial arts. Still sober, though. He was so sober. That was phenomenal. That was the second... I think he filled him with water. I'm so convinced. He was too weirdly composed. That was the

fourth episode, I think. Yeah. Ten? I drank like eight. Yeah, you drank about eight. Yeah. Ten? Yep. Yeah, yeah. Well, realistically, I drank like eight or something. Yeah, you drank about eight. No, no, no, it was six. You drank a lot of them, though.

Coors Lights, were they? Coors Originals. And I ate nothing that day, man. Yeah, well, that's probably best. You're extremely fat. I think my favorite memory is, what was it, episode six? Whatever episode

that this officially became The Six of Us is my favorite episode. I think it was five or six. No, it was three. Three? Yeah, because we had Jackie on as a guest and then we were back in my... Six total, because we had four unrecorded. Yeah, we had four.

It started with Marcus, Kevin, and myself and then Holden was like, can I be a part? I was like, of course you can because you're brilliant and I love you. And Eddie was like, I have nothing to do because no one likes me and I'm alone in my room. And I was like, okay, come on over. And then Jackie was there. I wasn't even trying to...

And then afterwards... I drunkenly convinced... No, she drunkenly cornered me in my apartment and threatened me if I didn't let her come on the show every week. Because we needed the female voice so badly. That's what we always said. She is literally

the exact thing. If Andrew Dice, Clay's balls could talk, they would speak like Jackie. I take that as a compliment. Absolutely. It's a total compliment. Yeah, Jack, I'm mad you got a real hairy chest. I wish. No, not anymore. It's disgusting. Holy lord,

Jackie! I saw the nipple for the first time! Really? You get so mad. There's no fucking nipple. I'm going to brawn. I saw it and I loved it. That's my favorite moment, when I saw Jackie's nipple on the 100th episode.

No, no, no. God damn it, I'm going to think about that for so long. Henry's upset. He's going to be upset if I talk about the moment that's not Ben getting molested. No, I know when you're going to say, right? Come on, do it. You can talk about whatever you want. Can I take my moment?

Yeah, please. My favorite story that we've ever covered is the mailman Dave. I am mailman Dave. That story is still my favorite story. Can you recount the story? I seem to remember it was the guy who was the mailman of the office and showed up. Milwaukee, Wisconsin. He just shows up and everyone was like, you know,

you like this one girl and everyone liked him. So he broke into the office late at night and when they showed up he was entirely naked. With a package. What it was that he had delivered mail to her office and he showed up at her house.

Oh yeah. On her front step completely naked. Mailman Dave. Because it's like, it's romance. With her mail, too. With her mail, yeah. If that was Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, it would have been a movie. You know? Jack's fucking beat-off sword.

Ugh, come on. What's in the box? What do you got, Jackie? I hate it when we sit right next to each other. I feel like I can't say what I want to say and it's heat. He's so hot. Just... And not in a fun way.

I'm talking about a hot way. Say it. Oh, so I was thinking about the one episode that was filmed by Kenji, which was like in the first summer when we started. And that was the summer of my complete mental breakdown when we started this. And I came in 45 minutes late because I was out doing bad things. And so on film, I was sleeping with somebody I had just met at a bar and I lost track of time. And then it was on film.

That's pretty good. I used to be classy. I'm classy now. Shut up, Henry. It then it was on film. That's pretty good. I used to be classy. I'm classy now. Shut up, Henry. It was like two years ago. And it was on film, the one thing that the round table gentleman did. And my mother watched it afterwards, after you guys all made fun of me for sleeping with someone and being 45 minutes late.

And I realized that the round table showed me the end of my rope. And now I'm great. Yeah! Right? Round table. Save it. Live. Save it. Live. Definitely not as trashy as you used to be.

Oh god, compared to how you used to be that summer. I'm much better now. I'm more racist now. I'm proud of you used to. That summer, whoo! I'm much better now. I'm more racist now. I'm proud of you, man. It's got to go somewhere. Yeah, it's got to. Eddie, what do you got, buddy?

I'd say Michael. I mean, other than last year, Michael Che, his performance every time he comes on the show. I'd agree with that. Other than that. Why do you love Michael Che so much? Because I'm funny. Are you?

You need to end that statement with a question mark. I'm fucking funny, Ben. Okay. I'm going to say, though, we had a lost episode that got erased directly after. So you have to bring up my fuck up, right? Well, the thing is, that episode

was perfect. We had all that abortion stuff where we find the baby in the dumpster. What did you call it? Powdered baby. Powdered baby. Yeah, we were just all about selling the abortion leave-ins. There was so much good stuff in that. I remember that episode. How can you remember it? It never existed.

Well, I'm drunk. But I believe it showed the error in our ways because we tried to repeat some of the jokes and the next episode we did recorded right after that and they're all the jokes for shit and so everything has to be off the cuff. So I enjoy that. Life lesson.

I love it. Marcus, yourself? Fuck, I don't know, man. All right, let's end the episode. I don't know. It's all... I got to tell you. Alright, let's end the episode. I don't know. It's all... I gotta tell you. I just have to tell you guys.

This is like... Working with y'all is the fucking best part of my week. For the last two years. Hey, guys. Roundtable is the... This is the best part of my week. Holocaust! Holocaust!

Are we done? Let's go. Retard and Frank. Michael, you wanna say anything? Seriously? I just wanna say... Look, I've won a lot of awards in my life. I've won tons of fucking awards.

This is, I've won the Comedy Central Award for something, and this is by far... You didn't win a Comedy Central Award. I won a Comedy Central Award on Comedy Central for the Comedy Central Awards. The only black person the executive saw that week and saw an opportunity in? No, Hannibal was there. I want to thank everybody.

Hannibal should have won. Hannibal is amazing. I love Hannibal. Yeah. Well, me and Hannibal, we won a lot of awards, and we talk about this a lot together as successful comics. And I want to say that winning round tabler of the year Is by far My favorite moment On this show

And I really want to make I feel as though you guys really hit an apex You hit an apex And I thank you guys so much for having me I love you all And it breaks my heart when Marcus says this is his favorite show Because he does a show with me too. But,

I do. You know, I just love coming in here and honestly, I don't have that much to fucking contribute besides taking pictures of you guys for Facebook.

But like, I just think it's very nice the way you all clearly homosexually love each other. It's very beautiful. I'm a hetero girlfriend. I know, girl. That's right.

It's the cum that binds us That's because you get stuck together That's a round table of the year statement right there This is why I win I win I win I win I win

I win I win I win I win In Reservoir What a fucking fat bastard Michael Che Michael Che Michael Che Kill the girl Kill the girl Alright, kill the girl Call the anxieties