The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 101: Bobby Pets

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On this, the 101st episode of Round Table: a study proves penguins to be rapacious necrophiliacs, a woman accidentally doses her child's lunch with PCP, and penguins also prove to be bad pets for a Brooklyn apartment. Most of this episode is about penguins, actually. Joining us this week are comedian Dan Soder, Epic Fail producer Gareth Reynolds, and the man with the penguin connection himself, comedian Chris Distefano.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Alright. Good, good. You sounding good, Eddie? Larson, E-D-L-A-R-S-O-N. Yeah!

Jackie, you're on prayer. Alright, alright. Hey, everybody. Hey there, God up there. I guess today we're gonna be praying for meat in the heat. Meat in the heat. I love it. I love it upstairs. I love it downstairs. I love it in between my chest. You know what I'm talking about, God. Swe in the heat. I love it. I love it upstairs. I love it downstairs. I love it in between my

chest. You know what I'm talking about God. Sweat sex. Thank you for sweat sex and thank you for the meat that puts it in me. Amen. Amen. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen. We all know who Jackie is. The beautiful broad next to me.

I'm Ed Larson. Holden McNeely. Kevin Barnett. Ben gets on the truck a lot. This is a very gorgeous truck a lot. We got Dan Soder. Hi. Hi, Dan. Hey, Ben. How you doing, buddy? I'm doing good. You look good. Chris DiStefano. Hey, how are you?

Good, Chris. That was so charming. Let's just do the whole thing all over again. Let's get it up a little bit, Chris. Thanks. Hey, how are you? I am doing fine. Extremely aroused by your accent. Chris just talked into the microphone. Like, you know in a movie when they have a little black girl that's going to try to sing,

and she's like, I'm like, come on, baby. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. I'm in her hair. Oh, she's getting dinner tonight. Chris was just talking in a way that's appropriate for his shirt right now. Gay shirt.

Gay shirt. Nice. Serquoise. Yeah, it's getting dinner tonight. Chris was just talking in a way that's appropriate for his shirt right now. Gay shirt. Gay shirt. Serquoise. Yeah, it's nice. It is. All right, well, thanks for being here, Chris. And then we got Gareth here in the house. How are you, Gareth? Really good.

Really nervous for my introduction after Chris's. No, that's fine. Gareth, you are the producer of an MTV program. It's called Epic Fail. Epic Fail, yes. I'm a producer. That's great. What's your last name?

I feel like we're leaving the show till... Reynolds. Nice. Good. Good. We figured it out. Darren Reynolds. If a guy like Ed that looks like Ed ever asks me my last name, you'd never answer.

Never. Never. Absolutely. So, over under 19, how many dudes have sucked your dick to get a job? Over 19. Wow! Oh, yeah! That is one moist cock.

That's 25 from Chris. I don't know if that's true. Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love you, Chris. All right, with us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Parks, what do you got for us, buddy? Certain young male penguins were so sexually depraved that their behavior was kept hidden I love you, Chris. All right, with us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Parks, what do you got for us, buddy?

Certain young male penguins were so sexually depraved that their behavior was kept hidden for 100 years. British scientist George Murray Levick studied penguins during a 1910 and 1913 Antarctic expedition, and his report so appalled editors the details of necrophilia, murder, and rape were removed. There you go. It's why Antarctica's white. Huh? The covering comes. All the penguin comes. There you go. It's why Antarctica's white. Huh?

The covering comes. Well, the penguin comes. That's true. Now that the paper is being published, exposing penguins, these penguins, they're called Adélie penguins, hooligan males that annoy other penguins by their constant acts of depravity. Hooligan males? They sound like the cast of Clockwork Orange. Just walking around with big fucking penguin cans. Do you think the male penguins rape other male penguins?

Yeah. Because they're only with men for most of their lives. It's Antarctica. It's lawlessness. Exactly. You're very lonely. You're freezing cold. Only in penguin jail.

Yeah, it says that penguins, a British Berg curator who found the paper, defends the penguins, saying they have little time to breed, no social experience, and poor understanding of cues. Yeah, of course, they're fucking penguins. What the hell could they be doing? I'm glad they're doing that. God knows they'd be coming into our cities, ravaging our women. I'd rather them stay in Antarctica.

Good. Yeah! I don't have any. You don't have anything. I'm sorry. I thought you would have thought! I don't have it. You don't have anything. I'm sorry. I thought you would have thought but then you lost it. I did and then

well then it got you know we moved on to something else so my thought was a weird thought. You're good. Gareth is good. He's good.

So Jackie, Jackie what happens if a penguin comes at you? Oh my god. You slash at him. You slum. You slum? I don't know, man.

Pretend to be dead. And then he's going to hump you. They like dead penguins. No, you do not pretend to be dead because a dead penguin lying with its eyes half open is very similar in appearance to a compliant female. That's great. Penguins are mean as fuck, man. Yeah.

They're raping each other. They peck the babies to death. You ever see that? When a penguin baby gets lost, they just peck the babies to death you ever see that when a penguin baby gets lost they just peck the shit out of it I just love that penguin women fuck the same way that every chick

that I've ever fucked fucked their eyes closed yeah just their eyes closed kind of laying there dead you kind of like you know put a mirror under their nose

to make sure they're still alive halfway through poke them with a pin it's fucking terrible I actually like the fucking character from the movie Charade which is fantastic it's weird

why was this so under wraps? 1910 to 1930, what did they think would happen? Because a penguin was running for President of the United States. William H. Taft, got sucked in a bathtub. This guy, he wrote the study and he put it to his editors. He's like,

hey, this is real fucked up. Publish this. They wouldn't publish it because it was so... They're just like, our readers will not stand for this depravity. That's how they talked about it. Why are we protecting the penguins? They're not the fucking Kennedys. Penguins already had a bad image, man.

The fucking penguin is a villain. People don't trust them in the first place, man. This was 1914. It was a different time. I got a boy, this is true. Bobby Pets. He bought a penguin. I swear to God. He bought a penguin.

He's got so many pets. Those are ridiculous. His real last name is Reynolds. We just called him Bobby Pets. Because he had so many pets. Bobby Pets. Fucking Bensonhurst, Brooklyn. Guy called me, told me he bought a penguin.

He said they got a ship from Anchorage, Alaska. He was like, dude, I got a penguin. It's unreal. We went over, looked at the penguin. Swear to God, penguin was dead the next day. Because he thought he just had to keep it in an air-conditioned room. Just breastfeed it. The truth is, you got to keep it in a fucking refrigerator.

You got to put it on ice. Yeah, and it's dead. Where did he put the penguin's body? They cremated it, actually. That's awesome. So they got a fucking metal trash can and some fucking shit rundown apartment and Bensonhurst.

Hey, what do you guys doing? You guys feel like a little fucking penguin barbecue? Yo, Bobby Pets, what you doing? Hey, what happened? Bobby Pets fucking bought a penguin. Hey, fuck you, I'm Bobby Pets. Bobby Pets, dude. True story, true story. I love that Chris looks like he's in a boy band,

and then when he talks, he sounds like a connected 50-year-old man. It's a little remarkable. It's a funny story. So my friend's kid, Bobby Pets. I got this other guy, Jerry Gumbs. He loves gum. It's really weird. It's really weird.

Don't even get me started on Marty Waterbets. I mean, I'll tell you, he loves Waterbits. He brought a penguin in one time. Yeah, that's it. You're like a talking abdomen. You're just a muscle that speaks. It's remarkable. I'm just a spit beer all over Holden.

That's fine. He needs it. So what's happening with these penguins? Are they cutting funding? Are people not donating to the wildlife of the penguin breed anymore? No, it's nothing like that. It's just they uncovered this study because it just went unpublished for years, and some guy uncovered this study. He's like, you know what?

People need to hear about this. I like it that they did it like a Da Vinci code. That's what I'm thinking. Like someone blew dust off a book, and they're like, no. Hundreds of years, this secret's laid dormant. It doesn't seem like that needs to be uncovered. That seems like you're like, I've got really awesome news. Penguins fuck

penguins. You're like, alright, yeah, so what do we do? They do it a lot. Wait, do these penguins, so they don't exist anymore? No, they exist. They're still raping the fuck out of people. Every animal rapes. Is there an animal that doesn't rape? Lots of them.

Most of them, actually. Don't rape? That's not true. Strong parents and a proper upbringing. You're telling me lots of animals every animal rapes. When a spider fucks a snake, it's usually a rape situation. Well, any

animal that doesn't feel pleasure, though, it's basically all rape, isn't it? Because they don't care. I hope so. I mean, maybe these penguin bitches need to stop being so frigid. I know it's freezing, but just let the dick in every now and again. The guy walked, what, March of the Penguins, they walked for like three months to get to these broads, and then they won't fuck him?

And then the dude has to take care of the egg. I've seen a footage, man, sitting in a fucking blizzard storm, holding the baby in his crotch. That shit's fucked up, man. Chicks out there tiddling her bean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, tiddling her bean, swimming around, having a good time in the South. Until a seal eats her, but whatever.

That's a shit. The editor of March of the Penguins must have been like, I'm having a lot of trouble cutting around all the fucking grapes. The deleted scenes of Morgan Freeman, like, that's when he raped her. Can you imagine if Werner Herzog directed fucking March of the Penguins instead? Werner Herzog did direct a movie about penguins. Not about penguins, penguins were in it. Yeah, because it shows this one penguin. Committing suicide.

Oh no, they commit suicide? Yeah, he's like like The penguin was walking away The other side Was hundreds of miles It's amazing It always sounds like He has marshmallow fluff In his mouth

It's remarkable Yeah it's just a penguin Just walking off Into the distance That movie by the way Is Encounters at the End Of the World Yeah

Great movie Fucking awesome movie And so did they show The penguin suicide Or did they just showed him walking down the hall? They just showed him walking away. Penguin suicide sounds like an unbelievable punk band. I'm going down to the Bowery to see penguin suicide. I'm not going to be there, man.

I'm going to see penguin rape. Everyone knows it's the original guitarist of Penguin Suicide. Yeah, yeah. Bobby Pets, the guitarist. Lord fucking guy. He sings mostly about pets. Nice callback. Whatever happened to Penguin Suicide?

Oh, they fucking killed themselves. They kept raping each other mid-sat. So, Chris, did this guy, like, literally think that this thing was just going to live? Well, here's, I'll tell you the whole thing. We get a call. We get a call. One of my other boys gets a call. Down having a nice cappuccino. He goes, Bobby Pets is calling me. So, we's, I'll tell you the whole thing. We get a call. One of my other boys gets a call. He goes, Bobby Pets is calling me.

So we put it on speakers. Bobby Pets is a fucking nut job. So he calls. He's like, he goes, dude, sick news. That's his, Bobby Pets. Dude, sick news. He goes, dude, sick news. Got a penguin. We're like, what?

He goes, dude, $5,000. Just shipped it in from Anchorage. Everyone get over here. Beer's on me. So we get there. So we fucking get there. Kid's like, dude, look at this penguin. It just like runs around and shit.

And we're like, hey. That's ridiculous. It's ridiculous. Was it serving you beer? No. Duct tape or fucking water? No, it wouldn't come out of it. It was fucking scared as shit. It was slowly dying.

It was hot as fuck. Exactly, because it wasn't a baby penguin. Yo, penguin, yo, penguin, you don't have, yo, bro, not for nothing. Penguins don't sleep. They don't fucking

cry. They also don't sweat. But meanwhile, the penguin was like, help me. Help me. Well, because it was a five-year-old penguin,

so this penguin has been through some shit, like it knew what was going on. It was like, where the fuck? It didn't know anything that was going on. It was like, where the fuck? It didn't know anything that was going on.

It was entirely devastated. It's pecking at a fucking ottoman and it's like, I don't know what's going on. So anyway, so the guy, Bobby tells you, goes, dude,

man, he goes, dude, the pamphlet said, I'm like, I don't know where you got a penguin pamphlet. I have no idea. Somebody sent it to him. He goes, dude,

penguin pamphlet said 65 degrees in my air-conditioned living room. It's going to be good. All I got to do is feed it like fish and I left out a bunch of cheese. I swear to dude, Penguin Pamphlet said 65 degrees in my air-conditioned living room. It's going to be good. All I got to do is feed it like fish, and I left out a bunch of cheese. I swear to God, that's what he said. Oh, my God. That's how I killed my turtle.

So then he calls us the next day. He goes, dude, horrible news. Fucking Penguin's dead. Come on over. I'll get you some beers. And then I called him. I was like, yeah, dick, because 65 degree living room in Brooklyn is not the Arctic Circle, you fucking asshole.

That's amazing. And then he really cremated it. The guy asshole. And then he was like, and then he really cremated. The guy was upset, but he's like, now he's got a flamingo. I swear to God, he's got a flamingo. Bobby Pets is the most amazing character I've ever heard of. He would love to fucking come. He always wants to come to this comedy show. Yeah, yeah, next week, Bobby Pets. If he doesn't get locked up, I guarantee he'll come.

How long ago was this penguin shit? Last April. No, it's a recent thing. No, the guy's like 35 years old. You know what I love to think of? I love to think of that penguin. When they caught him, he's like, That's it, boys.

Go to the zoo. Later, fuckers. Shows up at some guinea's apartment in Brooklyn. Yo, this fucking likes pecking shit. Everything covered in plastic, fucking Jesus pieces everywhere. His face is full of cheese. Feeding him sauce. Yeah. Good sauce.

Good sauce, my penguin. He loves my mother's sauce. It's unreal. A kid loves Pomodoro. A penguin loves Pomodoro. Just bowls of sauce all over the place. The fucking thing exploded because it ate 18 pounds of cannoli cream. So does he just have one pet at a time?

No, we call him Bobby Pets because he's always been that guy. He's had the boa constrictor. But he never got one gerbil. He had literally 24 gerbils. He's had the boa constrictor, but he never got one gerbil. He had literally 24 gerbils. What happened to the boa constrictor? Did he eat all the gerbils? Did he all die? He got a summons for,

I think it was the boa constrictor was illegal, and then he had, what are those things called? Not orangutans. A spider monkey? No, maybe a spider monkey. He had a monkey, which was completely illegal. Like an Indiana Jones

monkey? Yeah, so he got put in jail for that. Remember they had a show on A&E called Exotic Pets where some guy had a tiger? They interviewed Bobby for it, but Bobby had three prior convictions. He's got his probation officer like, we can't have him on TV. He was his servant shit. I love that he gets

locked up and some guy's like, what are you waiting for? He's like, had a fucking alligator in my bathtub. I'm eating it for weird pets. Extravagant pets. The best reason to get locked up. Extravagant pets. Take those guys and put them in the zoo.

Keep them out of the prisons. Let them live with The fucking animal How is this guy Not working in a zoo It seems like He's a plumber He's a plumber

He's a plumber yeah Why isn't he working In a zoo Because he kills All the animals That he has Yeah And he's a convicted felon

And he's a convicted Three priors You know whatever Now are the three priors All animal related Well one of them Is from the animal related And then you know

The other two Are domestic battery No no no know, he's got like a normal Brooklyn shit. No, no, no. Like selling coke. What's the normal Brooklyn shit? Oh, selling coke. Yeah, normal Brooklyn shit. Selling coke. Selling coke.

Hitting your girlfriend. And stealing cars. Fucking coke dealers always buy the weirdest shit, man. Yeah. Because they're all fucked up. You tell me I get a penguin for $5,000? Oh, okay. Fucking send it over.

Where do I live? Apartment 23B. Sent it okay. Look, it's sent it over. Where do I live? Apartment 23B. Benson Hurts. He sent it over. Yeah, he wants his main goal in life, and he said this with a serious, you know, at a wedding. He said, seriously, my main goal is I really want to get a kangaroo. So I don't know if he's going to get one. You'll achieve that.

And he just lives in an apartment in Brooklyn? Literally, he lives in his mother's apartment in Benson Hurts, Brooklyn. What's his mother doing? His mother's just an old Italian lady. She's just playing with those penguins. He's the standard Bensonhurst, Brooklyn Italian kid. Father fucking... He is not the standard.

Father was a standard. I've never heard buying orangutans and penguins. 35-year-old plumber, lives in his mom's basement. Dad, I swear to God, dad got fucking whacked. Left a lot of money. It's like Moonstruck. They're wealthy, dude. It really exists. People don't think it exists, but I'm telling you, man a lot of money. It's like Moonstruck. They're wealthy, dude. It really exists.

People don't think it exists, but I'm telling you, man, it fucking exists. It's out there. Here's the law. In New York State, it is unlawful for a person to possess a wild animal. A wild animal is defined as all members of the feline family, except domestic cats, all members of the canine family, except domestic dogs, all bears. A little koala bear. What a koala.

What a bear. They had to make it a law. They were like, someone got a bear. No more bears. All bears are gone. It was Bobby Pence. He's walking around with his unicycles looking all cute and shit. He's like, yo, bro, honestly, I got a mad

cool black bear in my apartment right now. Come on over, free beers. Dude. Bring over free beers for all the bears. Awful news. The bear's dead. Awful news. The bear killed my mother.

Actually got a good news. All non-human primates, venomous reptiles, and crocodiles. So you can have an alligator. Yeah. Yeah, you can have an alligator. And he could get the kangaroo. And the penguin's fine. My buddy had a crocodile.

The penguin was legal? The penguin was legal? A lot of people have the penguin. Yeah. No, a lot of people have the penguin. What? No! Dude, if you Google it,

he told me he got it legally off like eBay or some site. The guy shipped it from Anchorage, Alaska in a fucking box. Why? I'm on. Ron's Penguin and Porn. You live in your mother's basement? How about a penguin?

Five thousand. But nine penguins get the tenth one free. Stay tuned for your pamphlet. With a shitload of carp. That's what he had. Wait, wait. So did you make it over the house before the penguin died? No, literally we saw the penguin on a Tuesday thing. It was dead Wednesday. It came in Monday night.

He gives us the call. Sick news. Got the penguin. We all drop everything we're doing on Tuesday. Definitely. See it? We're hanging out. How big is the penguin? It was a fully grown penguin.

Which is why it'd be tall. What kind? Was it an emperor penguin? About here. What? It was like two and a half feet. It was fun. You could pick it up on your lap.

It was pretty peaceful. Yeah. It was fun. And then we were like, there's no way this thing's going to survive in your living room. And he was like, do it. I'm telling you it will. I read the pamphlet. And then we were like, there's no way this thing's going to survive in your living room. And he was like, dude, I'm telling you it will. I read the pamphlet. And then he fucking died. I love this pamphlet.

I got to get this pamphlet. One of my boys has videos of it. This is fucking, this is some underground shit. I can't, I'm trying to Google it. Pet penguins, legal in New York. Yo, terrible news, bro. The penguin raped my mom. She was going to sleep.

Fucking horrible, bro. The penguin found a coke. She's going to sleep. Fucking horrible, bro. The penguin found a coke. He snorted a book. He said it was snow. That's it, bro. Fucking thing. All right, next story. A mother who allegedly sent her six-year-old to school

with a PCP-laced sandwich has been arrested. Oh, come on. He just loves his PCP. A PCP and jelly sandwich. Yeah, that's normal. It was a girl. She said it tasted like fireworks. How does she know what fireworks taste like? She's exactly right.

Yeah. The first grader began showing signs of being under the influence of drugs after eating a sandwich provided by her mother. Taking the girl aside, she told a school counselor she could hear quote, banging in her head. Oh my god!

And was talking to people who weren't there. Wow! That's terrifying. A child on PCB must be the most scary thing you've ever seen. Annoying, dumb, piece of shit. I mean, but every person... No, Dan, you go for it. I was going to say,

you know how long it took her, like the teacher, to realize it wasn't just an act of imagination? Yeah, exactly. Every first grader... I had a hat. I had a hat on.

It was Cynthia. It's not the imaginary friend. It's what she's doing to them. That's the thing. I feel like when I see kids, they look like they're tripping balls. Like kids with a playground and shit. Well, that's what being a kid's all about.

It's all about tripping balls all the time. Any kid under three is constantly tripping. They see their hand and they flip out. Yeah. You know, they're just like, all the time. Everything they find on their body, they lose their mind. Yeah, and the little girl said that the sandwich made her, quote, crazy dizzy. This girl is perfect at describing

what it's like to be on PCP. I just love that her mother was such a classy PCP user she put it in a sandwich. That's the nicest way to deliver PCP to your body. Kids can't smoke. Kids can't smoke until they're 18. I would assume that it was the mother's sandwich and the fucking little brat fell out of the fridge.

This had to have been a mistake, right? It wasn't intentional. It wasn't an April Fool's joke on the kid. That's a pretty good April Fool's joke. She comes home, they're like, what'd you learn today? Too much. My hands are big meat. Big fucking meat fist.

The mom, when she opens her lunchbox, is like, oh my fucking God, no! You imagine her mother at lunch just eating an actual bologna sandwich, being like, I'm not tripping in at all. No! Oh, fuck! I need to go. Oh, my PCP is gone. Oh, shit.

That means, who is, oh, no. Here's what happened. Oh, God, this is horrible. Oh, I love it. This woman, her name is, let's see here, Tornia Ann Gutierrez. She looks like Jabba the Hutt with a wig on. She does look, and she's got a real nasty mole, too.

Yeah, yeah, check out that woman. Fucking big-headed, fat-necked. I don't know, man. I think she's all right. She looks like Rojo Beardsworth. She's all right for you, Ben. But what happened is that she told officers she had had a drug dealer and user visiting her home.

33-year-old Robert Jackson. So what most likely happened is that Robert Jackson sprinkled PCP into the mayonnaise or into the mustard or something like that. So this is the Robert Jackson guy's fault. Alright.

He dosed the woman he was fucking. He dosed her little girl. God! You gotta do it. You gotta do it. He's stealing all the fucking bread. So is it Robert on the lam or what's that? Yeah, Robert's on the lam.

Oh, so it's not the mother's fault at all, even though she had PCP on her phone? It is. Oh, no, no, no. She's facing felony charges. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Coolest stepdad ever. Yeah.

Really. So you just sprinkle PCP anywhere you want. I mean, that's a fun way to do it. You know, put it in the mayonnaise. Why not? There used to be a comedian, John Fox, who just died. You guys know about John Fox? Yeah.

The coach of the Panthers? No, no, not the coach of the Panthers. The comedian from the 80s. He loved a whole series of things, including coming in the mayonnaise And cumming in the mustard And shit like that You ever hear those stories Dan? Yeah I've heard of that Like he In the comedy condo

Yeah right The comedian condo I've actually heard about those He would cum He would like jerk off in the mayonnaise God It was like his big thing And he was such a raging alcoholic

If he walked into any Zany's And somebody served him a beer The entire wait staff And bartenders Were all fired immediately And then so he So he died. So he's definitely dead.

But what would you rather have? If you got jizz in the mayonnaise or PCP in the mayonnaise, you gotta eat a sandwich with that. Jizz in the mayonnaise, man. You want jizz? Jizz, protein. It's a pretty divided house. I never want to be on PCP.

I always not knowingly eat it in a sandwich. If you're just eating a sandwich at work, I would not want that. I would think I was dying. I feel like being on Jizz is worse than being on PCP. I mean, that's the thing. You can brush your teeth and get rid of PCP.

You can never get rid of Jizz. Jizz lives in your brain longer than PCP, I'll tell you that much. That's life hurt. Hell, Kevin, you destroyed a man's life for years just by telling him that he licked a dick. Exactly. That's why I know I don't

want to be eating mayonnaise jizz. Absolutely. Destopano, you ever suck any jizz? You ever fucking eat any of that no but I got one of those guys that fucking you know growing up we do those circle jerks you did not and I did

Bobby Pets no Louis Crackers I swear to god Jimmy Geysers I swear to god I swear to God, with our boy Jimmy Geysers, because he would fucking... I swear to God, I'm not making this up. Jimmy Geysers.

I swear to God. I swear to fucking God, because he would fucking blow his load fucking like a geyser, and one time it hit me in the right kneecap. I'm being serious. I do not... Why were you so close to him?

What do you mean? Because it's a circle jerk. It's a circle jerk. What else are we going to do in fucking Brooklyn? I have always wanted... Besides buy penguins. Chris, so what... What else are you going to do in fucking Brooklyn? I have always wanted to talk. Besides buy penguins. What else are you going to do in fucking Brooklyn? Not circle jerk.

Number one. Not circle jerk. That's the place where the most things happen. Yeah, but no. But the fucking family life that we came from, we were just all chilling in somebody's basement. Dude, I grew up in a forest, man. Go outside, ride a bike, look at some birds. Yeah, but you lived up in nature and shit.

We wouldn't go out. So wait a minute. Who had to eat it? Who had to, what? Did you. Yeah, but you just moved up in nature and shit. We wouldn't go out. So wait a minute. Who had to eat it? Who had to, what? Did you guys eat the cracker and shit or no? I think they were just doing circle jerks. No, no, no. We would just all sit around and watch porn and jerk off.

And then whoever would come first would be like, you know, some type of champion. But Jimmy Geyser's would fucking spew that shit like Old Faithful. And it hit me in the right kneecap once. You're hanging out with a 12-year-old. You're hanging out with a 12-year-old that's shooting loads like Peter North. We always said it. You're definitely going to be a point star one day. 100% going to be a point star.

Is he? No, he's an accountant now. So when you're jacking off with a bunch of dudes around, do you just look in weird places like when you're on the A train at 2 a.m., you just don't really look at anybody? You just look at certain crevices? Or do you look at people's eyes when they're jacking off? I'll be honest. I mean, when I was a rookie at it, the first time.

How many times did you do it? Multiple. Okay. Yeah. 30 times. We're talking like 10? I was 12, 13, and my friends were... I was always two years behind.

I hung out with kids two years older than me. And your friends were like 23, 24 with mustaches and shit? Yeah, so I was invited into the group. So at first I was looking, and then I kind of like, dude, the rules are you can't look at anybody's dick. Just jerk off. So, you know, but at first I'm like, oh, fuck. Was there a name of the club?

Was it like a... No, it was just like Saturdays when, you know, my friend Sean's mom would go to, you know, go to her day job. She was like, oh, we're going to come over. I got the guys over here. Hey, everyone's just fucking jerking off. And you would bring like a different porno and shit like that.

It's like the worst book club ever. I used to do that too. What? What? We've been doing this for two years and you bring it up now? We've been doing this podcast for two years and you haven't mentioned the fact that you came

and ejaculated around your friends. Nope. Did you ever hit anybody in the kneecap? I was waiting for the right time. This is it. Wow. Oh, boy. But let me ask the both of y'all this, man.

The people that y'all did that with, did y'all become best friends? No. You don't talk to them ever again. No way. They were just dudes. That's a bonding thing, man. They're just your jizz buddies. That's all they are.

Yeah, that's the thing. Are you still good buddies with these guys? Great friends with them. Really? I gotta be honest. I won't mention these two kids' names, but one time, and I witnessed the fucking, I kind of witnessed the rape. A kid was jerking off, and one of the older guys was like, dude, get over here and suck

my dick. And I was like, yeah. And I swear to God. And we were like, what? He was like, yeah, get over here and suck my dick. Well, it doesn't seem that much of a stretch. And the kid suck my well it doesn't seem like like and the guy did it what like two seconds a kid did it and it was like the other guy who was getting this fucking gay and then he walked

yeah definitely go dude I felt gay and then we're like well that means definition of it yeah yeah and then that got weird. And then I got to be honest, now that I'm thinking about it, because I kind of blocko shit out of my mind, that may have been the last circle jerk I've ever attended. Oh, yeah. I'll just say it. Sorry that a mouth rape ruined your parade.

I signed out. I signed out, buddy. It could have just led to a whole other level of circle jerking. It was a tough 1998 for me. Dude, that was around the same time I was doing it. There you go, buddy. I wish I would have known you.

It could have came out. It would have been great. You could have met Bobby Pets. But we only did it once, though. Was it due to lack of porn, too? So that was where you went to go see porn? Yeah. I mean, these are the days of VHS tapes.

Right, yeah. Because I used to watch porn with my friends, but nobody went to that and started peeing off. No one started shucking off. Because you're normal. Oh, man. That's what I'm saying. Has anybody in that group of circle jerk friends come out as a homosexual?

No. We think one kid may be gay. You think so? What was the sign? What was the first sign that he might be gay? Well, he was the one that got down on his knees and sucked that guy's dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but he's got that lisp, you know?

Like, we always like, he would always be like, oh. The lisp? You're blaming the lisp? That's the clue that you're going with? He's got a lisp? Because his mom would say, like, because we would make fun of him. Like, because his mom was cool. And she'd be like, oh, I'm going to send him a speech.

He's got a little lisp. But he was, I mean. Tim Tebow is a lisp. No, but he was, I mean, he had the gay lisp. Like, you know. He sucked a dick. A hardcore lisp. Yeah, but I mean, look.

That's the sign. Look, it's totally acceptable. You know, nobody cares. But lisp, like, you know. He sucked a dick! The hardcore lisp, yeah, but I mean, look. That's the sign! Look, it's totally acceptable, you know, nobody cares, but he doesn't want to come out. I'm just saying. He hasn't had a girlfriend, like, nothing, and he, like, goes to, like, he watches Glee and shit, you know. Oh, I just feel like if you were a detective and you were, like, looking at the dude, like, holding a bloody knife, like, over a bloody body, like, I think that guy did it because he's got weird eyes.

I think his eyes are weird, like, he's got sketchy eyes. Fucking forget about the bloody knife. His fucking eyes look like a rainbow flag, that kid. The guy sucked a dick and you're like, I think he might be gay. He's got a lisp. Yeah. He's got a lisp. The kid walks funny.

He walks funny. Well, he's a paraplegic. He walks funny. You've got to keep that room at 65 degrees. No, but yeah, I think he is. But who knows? Yeah, he is. He's my favorite boy.

Just for the record, he's gay. Who knows? He's definitely, without a doubt, gay But who knows? Yeah, he is. He's my favorite boy. Just for the record, he's gay. Who knows? He's definitely, without a doubt, gay. Oh, my God. This is the most... Chris, you are fucking... I want you. Yes.

I want to be inside of you. I want to take you up to movies. I'd like to invite you inside of me, cordially, right now. Oh, Jesus Christ. You got your invite, buddy. Unbelievable. I just never want you to leave. I'm not leaving.

Oh, God. If we could just switch brains. Are we all going to jerk off right now? Yeah! Pull it out! Help me! Help me, someone, please! Okay, we're going to stop.

Holden just shat. I made a poo-poo. You did it wrong, Holden. It's supposed to come out of the pee-pee. I come so hard, I shit. Alright, you don't shit, rub it all over your balls, just come like a waterfall. I'm holding poo-poo.

Jackie, do girls get around and play with their pussies in front of each other? Oh yeah, every day, but it's not even a weird thing at all. No, the thing is that I wish women could. I bet more women would, but you have to spread out. Like, it's much easier for a guy to just whip it out and jack off. It's a little bit, like, you need more space and, like, more, like,

out. Girls have, like, dildo parties and stuff like that, though? I guess so. I mean, no girls I know. Like, rub the couch weird parties. Yeah, you could sit on the edge of the couch and be like, I'm not masturbating. I'm not masturbating as you rub up and down.

What are you doing with that parking cone, Susan? I'm just taking it out to make sure it's structurally sound. Hey, Marcus, though, did you come first? No, I actually didn't come. He's too romantic about it. You didn't come. No, I didn't come. He's too romantic about it. You didn't come.

No, I didn't come. He's Latin Marcus. That's why we'll call him Latin Marcus. So hold on, hold on. You went to multiple circle jerks and you never came? No, just one. Marcus just did one. But Chris, did you ever cross the finish line first? Well, here's the thing with me is this is going to get weird now. Oh, now?

Okay, brace yourself audience listening. It's about to get weird so you might want to turn it off.. Okay. Okay, brace yourself, audience listening. It's about to get weird, so you might want to turn it off. I have a very unorthodox way of masturbating. You know, everybody else did the standard, you know, I guess you want to say... You're a cheater. ...North of South jerk. What I do is I lay it on my stomach, and I make my hands like a... Because I got weird thumbs.

I know you can't see that. The audience can see it. But I got weird thumbs, so when I put it down, it kind of makes like a little vagina. Like, to me, there's like a lot of air pockets in it. So I come very quickly because I just rub, and then I just blow it into my belly button. So I could come. You blow it into your belly button? I'm being dead serious.

I could just come and easily. I can honestly come in less than 10 seconds when I masturbate. So I was constantly finishing first. Because I started jerking off with a pillow. I don't know if you guys know. Yeah, me too. I used to drive. So it was easily. It was a simulated vagina for me.

And of course, I spit in my hand. And it's a simulated vagina. And everyone else is going this way. And that's not the way that sex really happens. Yeah, it's a simulated vagina for me. I always just put my hands under a dry blower. Get really nice and dry like a desert. And then I just fucking put it on.

And I cum immediately. Yeah, that's it. It's really great. Anybody hump the mat in between the mattresses? Oh, yeah. How does that not hurt? It doesn't squish? It was when I was trying to figure out masturbation.

I did that as an attempt. It did not work. You know what my technique was? My mom didn't know I did this, but she'd buy me silk boxers. Oh! And then I'd wrap them around my dick and just fuck the silk boxers. That's great. You know what else works? Basketball shorts. Oh. And then I'd wrap them around my dick and then just fuck the silk boxers. That's great. You know what else works?

Basketball shorts. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I love basketball shorts. Oh, they're the best. Especially at the club. I can't wear basketball shorts without underwear because I'll immediately get a hard on. Oh, yeah.

You can't hide them in basketball shorts. Oh, no. It's the worst. Strip clubs in basketball shorts are the shit. Oh, man. You're a genius. Not really. I just have perverted older friends.

That new Nike dry fit shit is the best. The new Nike dry fit product. I mean, literally. It feels so good on your dick. It's unreal. A stripper can make you cum in half a second. Easily. I cum shooting free throws.

It's fucking ridiculous. All the fucking poor mop boys are are like, this is not sweat. It sucks. The floor is actually stickier here. The floors aren't falling. They're not moving. Right. It's real bizarre.

I feel like jacking off with silk is like the closest thing to fucking an Indian chick, and I don't know why, but I just had that idea. I just feel like they have silky, nice, wonderful, smooth pussy. No, no, no. It's Sandy. No, Indian? Poisonous. Indian chick? Yeah, yeah. Spicy, man. Yeah, cobras. Oh that idea. I just feel like they have silky nice wonderful smooth pussy. No, no, no, it's sandy. No, Indian? Poisonous and sandy. Indian chips? Yeah, yeah.

Spicy, man. Yeah, cobras. Oh, I don't know. I just feel like they'd be so smooth. Anyway, I love Indian chips. Yeah, I would love to have one of the fucking Indian chips. I would love the fucking Indian chips. Oh, I got Indian tits on my phone right now. I love Indian chips. Oh, man. Okay, all right.

Want to see them? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. See them tits. Hit us around some Indian tits. Let's go to another news story where he finds Indian tits. Yeah. All right, here we go. This is nice. where he finds Indian tits. All right, here we go.

This is nice. She's got nice tits. Look it up, look it up. Next news story. After Jonathan Thompson was arrested Monday for fighting with his stepfather, the 30-year-old Texan was booked into the county lockup where jailers took his mugshot and photographed his tattoos for identification purposes. As seen at the right, you guys can't see it.

Eddie can see it, that inventory included a piece disparaging a local constable who had arrested Thompson and March for... Just really quick, interrupt yourself and look at those Indian tits. Those are amazing. Those are amazing. Big areolas.

Oh man, Siri, show me the Indian tits. Gareth, what do you think when you saw those tits? Your face was just illuminated. Oh, here you go. Here are the tits. Nice big nipples. Nipples are huge, right? Yeah, not bad.

Not bad. But she's Indian. So what's the situation with the Indian tits, Chris? She just sends me her tits periodically. Good. Very good. That's all. What a touched man. What a giving culture. Yes. Very good. That's all. What a touched man.

What a giving culture. Yes. Very giving. She's in the cast system. Continuing on with the news story, the inventory of the tattoos included a peace disparaging local constable who had arrested Thompson in March for burglary and who also busted him this week. The constable, Woody Wallace, told the smoking gun that after he learned of the tattoo,

which Thompson got following his burglary collar, he asked Thompson why he would have Woody Wallace can suck my dick inked on his thigh. Woody said, because I was mad at you the last time. So this guy, if everyone can look at that, this guy... What a fucking retard, this guy, if everyone can look at that, this guy... What a fucking retard, this guy. Woody Wallace can suck my dick.

His entire thigh. It's huge. And he was drunk, was he drunk? Was he drunk for the tattoo? He's always drunk. He probably sticks by the tattoo. Doesn't putting the name of the person that you hate on your body make him own you?

That's what I thought. Does anybody know anybody who's got a tattoo of somebody Sticks by the tattoo. Doesn't putting the name of the person that you hate on your body make him own you? It makes him stronger. That's what I thought. Yeah. Does anybody know anybody who's got a tattoo of somebody that they loved or some shit like that? I told you about the kid I know who he just worked out for the only purpose to beat up skinheads. And he hated Nazis so much that He got a fucking swastika tattoo with a line through it, but he didn't have enough money to get the line

through it, so he just had a swastika on his chest. But why would he do that in the first place? But when people look at that, they're gonna be like, oh, he didn't have the line through it always. For a while, he just had the swastika tattoo. I'm gonna say it's the same thing as a homophobe. I think this guy's like a closet Nazi.

The Lady Doff protests too much. It's $100 to get the line through it? Two? Fuck! Damn it. Now, I know, we talked about this on Top Hat a little bit. I knew a guy who passed out at a party and woke up with a swastika tattooed on his chest.

That's right. God damn it. Like, for real tattoo? For real. Yeah, well, it was a prison tattoo. They had a... You know what? You guys know prison tattoos, right?

Yeah. Ballpoint pen, little motor on it. Yeah. He passed out. The swastika practically draws itself. And I can attest from personal experience, I have fallen asleep during a tattoo before. Wow.

So, yeah, it is possible to sleep straight through it. Yeah, fucker woke up. In fact, he's my brother's brother-in-law. But does it fit? Is he actually racist? Because then it would be a great gift. No, no, no. Actually we worked construction together and it was in Texarkana. Hot as

fuck, humid as fuck. And everyone would take off their shirts because it was so fucking hot. But he could never take off his shirt because most of the people we work with were black. Right. And he had this big fucking swastika on his chest. Guys, I got something to say before I take my shirt off.

It's about to get real weird. So did he ever get it removed? Yeah, well he got it covered up. Covered up with what? With a bigger swastika. I actually don't know what he got it covered up with. But yeah, real good guy. I like him.

Good fella. Well, that's great. Can you make this swastika into a big Christmas tree? Yeah, I'm so happy not to have any regrettable tattoos. So do you know anybody with any of those? Regrettable tattoos? Yeah, I just feel like I would fucking make a huge mistake if I got a fucking tattoo. I got some friends with some stupid tattoos.

Yeah, but they don't know it's regrettable, though. They still like it. This guy in high school got a Superman tattoo. Yes. And he was fat. And he didn't put A&D D ointment on it and it crust it over and it looks awful no it's honest it's on his shoulder because he was in shape for like a summer and then he got fat again I love John on her forearm and she wrote I don't love John like oh I was

like just cover it up yeah right I don't love just like that's a remembrance even worse and she's like I don't know I think it just shows my past. I was like, we can't be friends anymore. Stop stealing money from my mom. Yeah, none of my friends have any regrettable tattoos, but there's tattoo ideas they had that I regret they didn't do. This one dude, Barry, I've mentioned him out here a bunch of times. Came in, this other dude, Kyle, had this beef going on for a while. They grew up together, but they fucking hated each other for like two years.

Because like just cock blocking back and forth, basically. And Barry was going to go get a tattoo. Barry just wouldn't suck Kyle's dick. Basically. That's sad. He was going to get a tattoo of Kyle's mom on his chest. He went as far as mom working Publix. He stole her employee of the Month picture.

And he's going to get a detailed-ass tattoo. God damn, that's so funny. That's so funny. Oh, man. Actually, that would be great because you come in your belly button. If you got a tattoo of your friend's mom, but her mouth was your belly button, then you would just constantly fucking jack off from her mouth. That's a great fucking tattoo. Well, you know,

I have a story Where my mom My friend had An insanely hot mom And We call him Billy Hot Mom Yeah Billy Hot Mom

Yeah fucking Billy's mom's tits Billy Milf Summer of 98 Again Summer of 98 Was a pivotal year I fucking saw

A blowjob rape And then this And so this Hot mom I go upstairs Spike Lee wrote Your summer of 98 i yeah i go upstairs into this guy's you know onto the third floor to use the bathroom in my friend joe's

apartment uh my friend joe's house and his mom is up there changing and i see his mom i'm like holy fucking shit his mom's got sick tits so i look so i look at his mom's tits and she goes she has her shirt buttoned all the way up and then she buttons them down She goes do these look better for you and like you know squeeze those tits together I'm 14 years old his fucking 40 old mom just shows me your tits. I'm loving this yeah Chris I think you finally found a way to get us to circle jerk My fucking friends mom push her tits together and I say to his mom I'm like I want to squeeze him that's what I said to her

I said I want to squeeze him and she goes you fucking pervert and closes her shirt up and slams the door on my face so I go back downstairs and then I show up to school the next day and this kid Joe wants to beat the shit out of me he's like yo I heard you fucking said you want to squeeze my mom's tits I'm like dude

that's what I said I was like first all, your mom's got sick tits. I was like, second of all. And I went to it and she was like, oh, fuck, you're right. Oh, my bad. Hey, can you come back every week? Yeah, yeah. I was like, second of all, she fucking unbuttoned her shirt and started pushing her tits together and said, do you like these?

And I said, yeah, I like those. I want to squeeze them. So he was like, look, meet me at Union Turnpike which is a train station he was like I'm going to fucking we're going to fight. So I showed up

to Union Turnpike to fight and then you know it kind of just fizzled out because he realized that I think he had a lot of time to think about

and he realized like people come up to him like dude you know Chris I was fucked up but your mom's got unbelievable tits so you really can't be mad at him because you would have been in the same situation had it not but your mom's got unbelievable tits, so you really can't

be mad at them because you would have been in the same situation had it not been your mom. It was a long walk to the Union Turnpike. And now it comes to all my fucking comedy shows. Like the tit thing never happened. Yo, Chris, I've been thinking about it, and my mom does have nice tits.

So I don't think we should fight right now. Yeah, I think we should go just look at does have nice tits. You know, so, like, I don't think we should fight right now. Yeah, I think we should, like, go just look at my mom's tits. That would be the best thing to do. That's it, man. I'm so torn. I'm hitting the streets. Daughters, hide your mothers, because Holden's coming down. Oh, yeah.

Circle jerk 2012. Oh, man. All right, next news story that is somewhat related A 49 year old Oregon woman Won a lawsuit last week Against the 69 year old man She says gave her genital herpes On their fourth date

What? The jury awarded her $900,000 What? For herpes? Almost the entire amount she'd been asking for, declaring that the incident had been 75% the man's fault. 75%? Where the fuck did she get that number from?

The jurors. I just love that we know how many dates it takes to fuck this chick. Four dates. How many lengths does it take to get to the center of her pussy? Four dates. But also that she's a slut woman that went through menopause already and thinks she doesn't need to use a condom anymore. Think again, you piece of shit. Shouldn't have gotten any money.

Well, the plaintiff claimed the man had agreed to use a condom, but changed his mind at the last second and only mentioned the disease afterwards. I'll tell you what. He shouldn't have mentioned it at all. He wouldn't have been fine. He wouldn't have known it got caught. $900,000 for genital herpes. You doing it?

Yeah. Yeah. You know what? I can be pretty charming. And with $900,000 I'm more charming. Bring it on. Dude, with $900,000 you can buy all the Baltrex you need. You can buy a fucking hazmat suit that fits like real skin.

Yeah. No, exactly. You go up to the girl like, listen, man, you're going to itch for a little bit, but I'm going to buy you this steak. I would also do that. Exactly. You ever drive an Acura? Well, you're going to after I give you herpes. That's the thing.

You get all those fine herpes broads now you know all those girls who can't be going around yeah. Websites dedicated for herpes uh folks with herpes who want to find love and they can fuck freely you know. Yeah you can fuck all of Tallahassee. Tallahassee had its own strain of herpes. God thank god we made it. Florida State specifically had its own strain. Wow. It was like one of four got herpes in Tallahassee. We're all lucky. Are you sure you're all lucky as fuck?

Was it resistant? Was it resistant to the medication? I'm sure. I don't know the whole details of it. I just know that there was... You know a lot of info about it, though. I made it out, man. You made it out alive?

You escaped. He was like a nutrition major. There's a lot of fucking going on in Tallahassee. Very incestuous. I've never been there. It's a great town. I should go. I'd love to get that Tallahassee herpes.

I'm sure there's some sick pets out there. It's for Bobby. He can get that t-shirt that says I went to Tallahassee and I'm like, are these shitty herpes? Sounds like just a real weird game of like pussy roulette. Yeah, that's it. One in four. And now it is a time for a segment from Holden McNeely.

Famous last words. All right, so we're going to go around. Marcus is pretty much going to field this. No. Okay. No. Why was I so quiet that you were like, you have herpes? Yeah, I felt like I really, Gareth seemed to really clam down.

He has herpes. Gareth. Gareth seemed to really clam down. He has herpes, Gareth. Gareth Reynolds. I had all these websites dedicated to it because I thought maybe I had something once, and I was like, oh God almighty, and I went online and I was like looking at it and I was reading all these sad stories that were like, I realize my life will be okay without it.

I was like, oh my God. And then it turned out that I just jerked off and went for a hike. There you go. All right. There you go. All right. There you go. All right, I'm going to go around. Leaves of three, let it be.

Those are great famous last words. So everyone's written down their famous last words with their name under it. We're just going to go around. Marcus is going to ask people individually. Wait, was it just the actual members of the roundtable? It's everybody. It's everybody. It's everybody.

All right, we're going to start with Dan. Last words. I refuse to believe I'll never beat off again. Who could it be? I refuse to believe I'll never beat off again. Do I get three guesses or one guess? What do you think, Colton? Two.

Two fast guesses. All right, first one, Chris DiStefano. Nope. Second one is going to be Marcus Parks. Nope. Damn it. It was Ed Larson, wasn't it? Yeah.

Ah! I was going to say that! You can't reveal the answers yet, otherwise the last one is going to be no. It's fine, it's fine. Yeah, it's fine. I forgot already. It's by the actual game standard, so it doesn't make any sense. It's very flawed. Next one.

I'll see you playing tummy sticks in hell. I'll see you playing tummy sticks in hell. Tummy sticks? What's tummy sticks? Tummy sticks. Dan? Yeah!

What's tummy sticks, Soda? Three of your wieners together. Good luck! Yeah! Pretty good. That's a double line, dude. That's great. I like it twice. I thought tummy sticks was going to be one of Chris's good friends.

Oh yeah, tummy sticks! He's a fat dude. He loves sticks. Good fucking guy. You go to his house, you get naked, you guys lay on top of each other and rub your dicks together. Fucking hit you with a stick. Alright, next.

Kevin. I am dying right now, I think. I am dying right now, I think. I am dying right now, I think. I am dying right now, I think. I am dying right now, I think. Can't be Dan, can't be Ed. Ben? Nope. But I am dying right now, I think.

Oh, God. Then you're right, Kevin. Shit, man. Gareth. You're dead. Gareth! You're the winner! Wildcard! You're a fucker. Shit, man. Gareth. Your dad. Gareth. You're the winner.

Wildcard. You're a fucker. That's sadness in you, man. I got you. All right. Ben. Okay. I love you, Bob Costas.

I love you, Bob Costas. I love you, Bob Costas. I'm going to go with Ed Larson. No. He already is. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay.

Oh, did I fuck it up? Did I fuck it up? Stop it, games! Hey, man. I'm just trying my best out here. I'm just trying to be a human being. I'm trying to make it in comedy. I'll tell you what,

if it's you, I'm going to be, you know, pretty upset. It's not me. I'm going to to be a human being. I'm trying to make it in comedy. I'll tell you what, if it's you, I'm going to be pretty upset. It's not me. Is it me? I love you, Bob Costas. I'm going to say it's Mr. Chris DeStanfano. You know what?

You're right. Hey, turquoise over here. Bobby Costas. What's up, Bob Costas? Hey, Tommy Old Navy over here. Hello. Gareth. They just call him Bobby Basketball, though.

He loves basketball. Bob Costas or the Jew? Lippy Bob. Lippy Bob. All right. Eddie, put down the machete. Oh, that was good acting. Eddie, put down the machete.

That's two of those. That means it's really. I think it is Jackie. No. I think it's Ben. You got it. Yay! Damn it.

That was good. Everyone's connecting. Kevin, did you get yours? Yeah. Damn it. All right, Chris. All right. Go get fucked, you sons of bitches

I'm gonna say that's Jackie You got it I fucked her, that's all I know What? What? No, sorry Too soon Jackie Goodpuss

Yeah, you know Jackie Goodpuss? I fucked her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Man, I would love that nickname. You guys would start calling me that again. Jackie Goodpuss? Jackie Goodpuss. It's hyphenated.

What are you guys doing? Are you guys hanging out with Jackie Goodpuss? Jackie Box? We're hanging out with Jackie Box. It's the same trick. Jackie Box. Jackie Box. What's in the Jackie Box? All right. Same trick. Jacky Box. Jacky Box. What's in the Jacky Box?

All right. Next up, bananas is fruit. Lettuce is vegetable. Ooh. Bananas is fruit. Lettuce is vegetable. Barnett. You got it. Yeah.

I know that grammar. The last one. I mean, the last one could only be one person. No, no, no. The last one, it's one of two. It's either me or Holden. All right. One guess.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. One guess. Please be a loser like me. It's one of us or the other. These aren't bananas. Ooh, these are not bananas. That's Holden. That's definitely Holden.

Holden, we feel it. The only loser is Dan Soder. Two banana comments. Yeah, that's the thing. That's definitely Holden. Holden, we feel it. The only loser is Dan Soder. Two banana comments. Yeah, that's the thing. We both did banana things. Also, I plan to get gang raped in a Turkish prison. There you go. Turkish prison.

All right. Well, are there any winners? You're a loser, Dan. Yeah, you know what? I'll see you playing tummy sticks in hell. Dan's the winner. Dan's the winner. That's been the Roundtable.

Jackie Zebrowski, Ed Larson, Holden McNeely, Kevin Barnett. Thanks so much for being here, Soder. You's the winner. Dan's the winner. That's been the roundtable. Jackie Zebrowski, Ed Larson, Holden Minnelli, Kevin Barnett. Thanks so much for being here, Soder. You're fucking

amazing. Love you all. Chris DeStefano and, of course, the beautiful Gary. DeStefano. DeStefano.

Say it right, fuck nuts. Chris the cum boy. Chris the fucking circle jerk. Chris the

circle jerk. That man's got more cum on his fucking thighs than I've had in my mouth in years. I love him. And Gareth, thanks for being here. Alright, that's been the Roundtable. I'm Ben Gissel. Talk to you soon.

Bye!