The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 102: Arrest That Bear

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

This week on the Round Table: British kids are idiots, a man is arrested for having sex with a teddy bear in public for the fourth time, and a smelly kid in Texas finally gets washed. Joining us today: Matt Maragno, Amber Nelson, and Steve Pasieka!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen! And let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen.

Gentlemen of the round table! What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. I know, what a bunch of assholes. Wouldn't you believe it. Marcus, you have a special prayer for us. Today we will be summoning a demon.

Ah! The demon is King B'leth. B'leth! He is a mighty and terrible king of hell. 85 legions of demons under his command. He rides a pale horse, and all kinds of music is heard before him. It is 7.07pm! The gates of Hades

are opened and darkness is upon the land! I conjure thee, demon, by the power of thy name! Apshala Nejar Septia! As flesh clings to bone, so you to stone! It is 7.07pm!

The gates of Hades are opened and darkness is upon the land. I conjure thee, demon, by the power of thy name. As flesh clings to bone, so you to stone. It is 7.07 p.m. The gates of Hades are opened and darkness is upon the land. I conjure thee, demon, by the power of thy name. It is B'Lach! As flesh clings to bone, so you to stone. Upon the land, I conjure thee, demon, by the power of thy name. It is belong. I shall all.

Nijar setia. As flesh clings to bone, so you to stone. All right. Amen. I just came in here for a falafel. I don't know what's going on. Wow, I just wanted some lamb shawarma. Why did you do that?

I didn't know you could speak Latin. Yeah. That's great. Welcome to the Rock and Roll Gentlemen. We are in the presence of a demon. I feel strong. I feel first, man. I know. I feel different. I feel tough. I feel great! Oh my god!

It's the most likely vessel. Something equally hideous as itself. Hold it, McNeely. I love pussy. Oh, wow. Well, welcome to the Roundtable, demon. Who else is here? Jackie Zabrowski. Ed Larson, a.k.a. Chubby Farts, coming at you.

Give me some hamburgers. What the fuck, Ed? Don't degrade yourself like that, Chubby Farts. Jesus Christ. Hi, I am Holder McNeely. I'd like to hang out and piss on the dead Hey Demon, do you love your mommy? Oh yes, very much so

Hello B'Lef, nice to have you I'm just Kevin, man Kevin Barnett Kevin Barnett, I want to welcome Kevin Barnett's father He's starting to listen to the program So welcome Is he really? That's awesome

He had to nix about three Kevin stories Because he's worried about his father program, so welcome. Is he really? That's awesome. He had to nix about three Kevin stories because he's worried about his father listening to it, so happy Father's Day. Happy Father's Day! Happy Father's Day! Yeah! Absolutely. All right, we got into the juggle. We had Amber Nelson.

Thanks for being here, Amber. Oh, thank you for having me. That's nice. As always, we love you. And then, what's that? Chicago's thinnest young boy Steve Pacheco Skulk the Hulking

How's it going guys? Thanks for having me Pro-Nazi Steve just really thinks that Nazis need to have a voice in government So when they got elected in Greece He told everybody that he thought it was a good thing And democracy reigns He likes Mangala.

He likes what Mangala did to the children. He's a Mangala fan. If someone is willing to debate their point of view in a civil manner, like... Well, you know what? You're losing your hair. What's going on? Is that fine? Is that...

No! That's fine? That's not good? Dear Lord, Ben Kissel, you are a fucking ogre. Yeah. Now you know why politics don't work. All right. Yeah.

That's a great example of a debate that is horrifying. Yeah. Exactly. That's the way it works. No one died in that debate, so it's fine that we had it. You see? That's my point. Why are you being so peaceful? All right. All right. All right. We can talk about this later. Oh, it's fun that we had it. See, that's my point. Why are you being so peaceful?

Alright, alright, alright. We can talk about this later. Oh, it's fun. Hold up. Matt Marano is here as well. Sober as I am fat. Thanks for being here, Matt. Absolute pleasure.

Thank you very much. For the record, I don't like Nazis. Oh, well. You're a fascist. Italian fascist, though. It's different. Not bad. Don't look at me like that, Steve. Okay. With us You're a fascist. Italian fascist, though. It's different. Not bad. Don't look at me like that, Steve. Okay. With us as always,

Marcus Parks, what do you got for us, buddy, with the news there? Well, out of a new poll in Britain about where food comes from, this is what people from 16 to 23 think in the UK. Milk. Most knew it comes from a dairy cow, but barely.

4 in 10 got it wrong with 7% clicking on a photo of wheat instead. Bacon. Maybe they just don't know what cows look like. Bacon. 36% didn't know it comes from pigs. Wheat got 8% on bacon.

Not bad. Wheat's doing pretty good over there. Eggs. They kind of nailed that one. They got 67%. But still, 67%? That's too low. I'm sorry. Anyone else? I think it's far too low.

Anybody think eggs came from wheat? No, they did. I read a bigger study. About 8% thought. That's what it is. About 8% of people just clicked wheat on everything. Is this why food sucks in England so bad? I'm proud to be an American.

At least I know I'm free. Maybe they're just debating the chicken or the egg concept. The other 28%. Maybe they're just smarter than the oldest. What came first? Wheat, apparently. Operating on a different level. It's not bad.

Jackie, you had a good pork experience the other night. Oh, man, dude. So every once in a while, I do what I like to call the pork chop flop, where I get real drunk and I eat a bunch of pork chops, and then I go right to sleep. And that's what I did last night. You wake up at like 5 o'clock in the morning and take a huge shit and then you go back to bed. It's the best ever.

I recommend it to everyone in here. How were the dreams? Do you have any good meat dreams? Oh, do I, man? Last night, there was a lot of beak dreams I had last night. You were getting beaked? Well, I got beaked, yeah. What does that entail? Face beaked. Oh, you got face beaked. Yeah, I think it was just because Doug kept biting me in the middle of the night.

But it was fine. Doug bites you in the middle of the night? Yeah, yeah, when you get beaked. You know what I mean. Holden, you ever get beaked? Oh, I've had a couple of beak women. They're fun. Yeah, yeah, you meet them by the ocean.

That's all I know. You've got to go to the ocean at a certain point in August. I know it's kind of a harvest time. There's definitely a them by the ocean. That's all I know. You go to the ocean at a certain point in August, and it's kind of a harvest time. There's definitely a moon in the sky. Normally, they're just their heads, and hopefully an arm is out of the sand. You just pull them out. And then, yeah, they beak you good.

I like a butt beacon. Oh, that makes sense. Butt beacon. Beak that butt. Absolutely. I mean, how often do you ejaculate with the beak, or does it just mostly hurt? No, it was butt. Absolutely. I mean, how often do you ejaculate with the beak, or does it just mostly hurt? No, it was a painful thing.

It was mostly like people with beaks that just kept pecking at me. What's that one film where the folks wear the beaks in the orgy? Eyes Wide Shut. Oh, I love that movie. Definitely jacked off to that quite a bit. A lot of boners in that theater. Have you ever heard the term poking out? No.

Rather than jerking off, you poke out. That's what masturbating for women is. It's a slang term for it. Poke it out. Poke it out. Good for you. Yeah. Someone asked me if I poked it out this morning, and I was like, I don't know what that means.

But I thought that was controversial. Isn't it more of a rub out? Because the gals don't actually ever finger fuck themselves. They just rub their clits until they come all over the bed. I guess you can poke at it. That's the thing about you generally beak it in. Yeah, I beak at it. Yeah, I usually get like a fork and just towel in that. Shredded vagina. I like it. Put it on a bun. You never disappoint. Have you ever seen a porn with like a transgender person, like a man going into a woman? Of

course I have. And they have, yeah, of course have. And they have a clit the size of your finger. Like a finger nub. Definitely. China. You know? Yeah. It's all hot and wet. Does it get hard, though? Does it get hard like that? It gets a little bit hard. It just kind of wiggles. Just slightly. Can you girls make your clits bounce?

I wish. Take a steroid. I'm such a tiny lady. You can take those sweet steroids. I gave that porn award to Chyna for best mainstream to porn for Backdoor to Chyna 2. Her clit's very, very large. It's huge. All those roids. It's extremely erotic and hot.

Ew. You like big clits? That's so nasty. No, that's gross. It is gross, yeah. Big clits. Well, I like a medium-sized clit. Is it gay to suck a chick's clit if it's like three inches or longer?

Three inches? I mean, they have to be very buff and all on these testosterone pills. Because a clit is basically a tiny dick, man. A clit is a tiny dick, right? Yeah, three inches is longer than you think it is. No, it's not. It's like, yeah, yeah. No, it's not that long.

That's visibly nine inches, Jackie. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's about three inches. What are you showing me? So it's like a finger. Steve's visibly nine inches, Jackson. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's about three inches. What are you showing me? So it's like a finger. Steve just whipped out his dick, by the way. This is about three inches.

He's right. Nazis. Come on, lay off on Steve. What did I do? He wants the Nazis to win. You called him in here. You made him rush down here. I know.

The man came here sweating. I've never fucking been on this show because I was supposed to be on it. It's just you guys have people cancel and you're like, who the fuck lives right down the block? It's me. I feel terrible about myself. I'm a piece of shit.

Hey, listen, man. I didn't say nothing about you at all. Don't say you guys. Ben is a piece of shit. I'm sorry. Yeah, we weren't even going to call you at all. Yeah, exactly. I was sorry. Yeah, we weren't even going to call you at all. I was like, should I call Steve? And they were like, does he love Nazis? And I'm like, yeah. They were like, bring him in. It's pathetic.

Well, hey, man. We have millions and millions of listeners all across Germany. You're going to have a huge fan base after this. You brought everybody here a bucket of beer, too. I know! Oh, my God! I'm so sorry! Three cheers for Steve! Hip, hip! See, you brought everybody here a bucket of beer, too. I know. I know. I'm so sorry.

Three cheers for Steve. Hip, hip. Hooray. Hip, hip. Hooray. Hip, hip. Hooray. Typical victim fucking worship.

That's what's wrong with America. He won. All right. Three boos for Ben. Hip, hip. Boo. Hip, hip. Boo.

Hip, hip. Moo. I get my moo at the end. Yeah, he mooed me at the end there. That was what hurt. Then the moo hurt. Not the fucking boos. I felt like I was on stage. I felt like a real star.

All right. Give us another story. Next news story. Parents of a schoolboy have sued two school employees alleging they forced their son to strip and shower in front of them. You've got to watch a kid when he's playing around in water. Jackie's foot just got very hard. The 8-year-old was accused of bad hygiene in November last year

and taken to the nurse's office at Peaster Elementary in Texas. Peaster. Peaster. By the way, this is in Weatherford, Texas, which is right outside of Dallas. Shithole. The two employees then proceeded to wash the boy violently with the washcloth. Scrubbing him all over. This kid must have stunk like shit.

Finally there's some fucking people taking care of that smelly kid that is in every school. Watch that little stink bomb down there. Who's got a smelly kid memory? Shannon Matura. You guys are making Jerry Sandusky's defense right now.

All the kids needed a shower so bad. See, the thing is, I like this story if the guy was like 26. That would be hot. It's like, you're too dirty. Now you need to be washed. No? It would be awesome. I think she's talking about the person who is being washed out.

How many men have you cleaned, Jackie? I would love to scrub them like a baby. Put a diaper on them. They need duped. I'm falling in love with you. It is also claimed they stuck cotton buds in his ears while ridiculing him for being dirty. He was filthy. Yeah, he was a filthy, filthy child.

What do you mean it's not his fault? Because his parents should be washing, making sure that he's washed. They're disgusting too. They smell like old batteries and tampons themselves. They go lay in their quarters home and pick their butt all day. That's what they do. What if this is a hustle though? Like, alright, we're going to take this kid, spend all our nights farting on him.

He's going to go to school, smelling terrible. Then we're going to sue him, make this money. That's what they're doing. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. I don't think they're that smart though. Yeah, if they're living in Weatherford, they're not very clever. And I'll tell you, this kid needed to be clean and these people did him a grave service.

And now he's never going to stink again because he doesn't want this shit to happen to him again. Exactly. Here's what has happened. The couple say their son has since had to visit a therapist, claiming the incident left him visibly and severely distraught. He just kept on and on wanting to take baths. He just felt so disgusting. That's what's next. Great!

I give this to a medal! They saved this kid's life. He's going to be able to get a job now when he gets older. I'll tell you what, Ed. I want you to run the fucking school board, man. Oh, totally. So bad. Well, he felt disgusting because he fucking was disgusting.

I mean, they stripped him down like Farva in Super Troopers, though, and sprayed him with a fucking hose, looking at his little dick laughing at him. It's delicious. They plugged up his ears so he wouldn't hear them making fun of him. Apparently he heard it. He's a good mouth reader. Just to be clear though, you guys are in support of

stripping down someone to naked and putting them in showers. It's very similar to Nazis. You sons of bitches. They're coming out to lean. You know what Steve, you know what I think? I think you were the smelly kid. I think you were him. I'm not taking his shoes and throwing them in a pile

outside the playground. We're not making soap out of his body fat. I'll tell you though, Jeremy must have had the best Goodwill stores for like the ten years after the Holocaust. Just full of fantastic clothes. No, boo! It's a punny joke. It's punny?. No, boo! What? No, I mean, it's a

punny joke. It's punny? I laughed, man. Thank you, Kevin. Eddie's giving me the fucking stink eye over there. I'll bathe him down. Who, me? Yeah. I wasn't paying attention. Did anyone else have a... Amber, for some reason, I got a feeling that you had experience with a

smelly kid. Oh, I was always, like, friends with him. Because I moved around so much, you know, it was hard making friends and stuff. One time I got lice from this girl. And then she looked at me and I was like, I got lice. And she smiled and she was like, we all got lice here, baby. And you know, everybody did. Everybody had lice in that town. That's kind of fun.

They would also stand outside the bathroom and hear you taking a shit. And you know, everybody did. Everybody had lice in that town. That's kind of fun. They would also stand outside the bathroom and hear you taking a shit. And when you walked out, they would applaud you. Yeah, that's very nice. Where was this? Classy town, sounds like. North Carolina. It was in Tarborough, North Carolina. You just walked everywhere.

Tardland? Tardland. Retard? Tarborough. Oh, okay, Tarborough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. I used to smell my own vagina sometimes You put your fingers in it and you smell it One time I asked my dad to smell it

I was like a kid, I was like, smell it dad That's a good dad, wouldn't smell it That's nice Jackie, what was the worst day That your pussy stunk I would say every day But well especially Or if it's like

The girls that use pads You can smell their pussy From a mile away Who still uses the pad It was fucking insane I'll tell you what What stinks worse Stinky dick and balls

Or stinky pussy Definitely stinky pussy Pussy Pussy Christian girls Christian girls wear the pad They wear the pad What stinks worse? Stinky dick and balls or stinky pussy? Definitely stinky pussy. Christian girls wear the pad. They think it's like a dick going inside. Do you pop your hymen with the tampon? No. You can, I think.

You won't even know because you're bleeding anyway. So that's the way to do it. You just get it in there, you just shove it through. Soak it up. All those blood clots you have when you, it hurts, and then it's fine. Yeah. All those blood clots you have when you pull it out, that's your hymen. Oh, wow, that's so

gross. Oh, no. Oh, man. Steve, you ever pop... Actually, Matt, you actually have the potential to fuck a virgin. Have you ever done that? Um... Come on up to the mic, Matt. Yeah, there was this girl, she was 18. Talk into the front of the mic, Matt.

There was this girl. She was 18. She stayed at the hotel I work at. How old were you at the time? 25. Oh, a bit of a creditor. Yeah, yeah. And then she wanted to do it, but it was really awesome because she was on birth control,

so no condom. Nice. Oh, before she even had sex. Pre-planner. Yeah, yeah. She said it was because she had something with her ovaries, I don't know. Acne too. Yeah. Sometimes your cramps hurt so much, doctors will give you birth control too, because it

subdues the pain. Yeah. I was gentle, but I came really fast because she had a tight fucking vagina. Oh, that's good. No, I took a girl's virginity once, it was amazing. It's very enjoyable. Really? They're not just laying there, being like, I don't know what to do.

Well, it's not really about. Help me. Help me. It's not about. No. No. It's not. Well, whenever it's a virgin, it's not about like a woman getting into it.

It's about, as Matt said, the ridiculous tightness. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Sort of like butt fucking, huh? A little bit. Interesting. Butt better.

Oh. You know, warm, naturally lubricated. Was she happy that you came so quick or was she disappointed with her first time? We talked about it later. She said, you were kind of fast. Oh, that's too bad, man. She doesn't even know about that yet.

That's very, very sad. Would you ever fuck a girl in the butt without a condom? Yes. Yeah, I have. Really? Yeah. I don't know how you could do it with a condom on. Absolutely. There's very little wiggle room. Oh, but you don't have like a turd juice in there. No, it's fine.

That's the whole point of doing the butt fucking. It's tight, it's dirty, it's filthy, it's hot. Ask the mouth. Yeah, Ben eats ass. He puts his tongue in there for breakfast. Hey, so do I. Everyone does. I don't eat ass. There's just no place for a mouth, man. I wouldn't want a in there. Hey, so do I. Everyone does. Everyone does. I don't eat ass. There's just no place

for a mouth, man. I wouldn't want a mouth there. I don't want a mouth there. So, Jackie, no one's ever eaten your ass? No. Eddie, you're against eating ass? I've never eaten an ass.

Kevin, you've never eaten an ass? Of course not, man. Hold on. I love that you skipped me because you know I've never eaten an ass. You've never eaten an ass either? You know, yeah,

we've talked about this. You and Sina fucking rail me every time on fucking not eating ass. Yeah, Murano's eating an ass. know, yeah, we've talked about this. You would see a fucking rail me on every time on fucking not eating ass. Yeah, Murano's eating an ass. Yeah, yeah, I enjoy it. Steve, you like it? You like an ass?

I did it once. I wasn't the biggest fan. Who was he? I wanted to try whatever. I wanted to try whatever, but yeah. Called it a Chicago dog. It's, you know. Oh, speaking of Chicago, next news story.

Good, good. A suburban Chicago family's road trip to Arizona came to a bizarre end in Lawrence, Kansas when cops spotted the family's two youngest children bound and blindfolded next to their car in a Walmart parking lot. Wow! Which suburb? It doesn't say which suburb in Chicago. Fuck, I'm curious. Which suburb? It doesn't say which suburb in Chicago. Oh, fuck. I'm curious.

The kids, ages 5 to 7, are now in protective custody along with the couple's three older children. Adolfo and Selena Gomez have been arrested and charged with child abuse and endangerment. Eddie, mugshot description. I mean, he looks like Barack Obama's father. He does. And she looks like my cousin Stacy.

In other words, she looks horrible. She looks like Stacy after a couple days drinking. But yeah, no. They are definitely criminals. You know they did this on purpose. Yep. Alright.

How would they accidentally do it? Barack Obama's father, right? Oh, yeah. He does. Like a Vulcan Barack Obama's father, but yeah, definitely. And then she's just so stunned to be there. Oh, she's so sad. Why is it not hot? He is absolutely

used to this. This is not his first mugshot. Why would you have to be blindfolded? Like, I could see bound because you're running around everywhere. I mean, that's still horrible, but blindfolded? Wait, so they were left next to the car in the parking lot? Yeah. Outside of the car. It's nice, though. If they would have left

them in the car, they would have died from the heat and everything. Leave them in the car so no one would know. That's the way you do it when you fart. It's possible. She would have just left them on the side of the road. Here's what police say. Quote, we're continuing to try and interview anyone who had knowledge of the family And understands the bigger picture of what was going on We would also like to put a timeline together

To understand the days and weeks Leading up to this And the general family dynamics Well they were on a road trip right? Yeah they were on a road trip Oh they probably got real pissed at them kids And just trying to hurt them a little bit Yeah they were like a road trip, right? Yeah, they were on a road trip. Oh, they probably got real pissed at them kids. And just trying to hurt them a little bit.

Yeah, they were like, hey, let's play kidnap. You know? I think they're looking too far into this. You just lock up the parents and you got two new orphans. Yeah. There's a bunch of orphans, right? How many kids were there? There are five kids. God, too many fucking kids, man.

Five new orphans, yeah. Dumb people breeding. Ugh, God. It's the worst. It's fun. There needs to be mandatory birth control. I know it's fucking communist. I say that you need to fucking pass a lot of tests and be able to show that you're able

to care and your psychology is sound in some way. Getting into Nazi territory here. That's the best part about Nazis. Keep them tied up. I'm kind of with Jackie on this one. It's ridiculous. Stupid people love to breed. There was just that one woman in China.

She was eight months pregnant. She didn't have the $6,000 to pay the hospital, so they forced an abortion on her. She was not too happy about it. How can you have an abortion when you're six months pregnant? It was seven months pregnant. You just go in there with a knife and you ginsu it out there and you

chap-slop it or what? Chop-slap? Don't call it the pork chop-slop. Don't ruin this for me. No, definitely not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They just chop it up and suck it out, right? Yeah, vacuum it out there. I mean, it's pretty disgusting. I mean, it's horrible what they did. Don't get me wrong, but if she didn't have the money to go to a hospital, how does she have money

to raise the child? Right. That's a good point. You better kill it. You better kill it. Jesus Christ, Amber! I know, it's terrible. Let her give it up for adoption. Let her have it in the alleyway. She's going to put it in a trash can anyway. Nobody in China adopts.

The reason why they abort it, it wasn't because of the hospital bill. It was because that she violated the one-child policy. Yeah, this was the second child. That's still going on? Yeah, and China, whenever they asked the government about it, they were like, yeah, of course we do that. Fuck it.

They didn't care at all. Man, China. China being strong and nuts. Just like always. I love them, man. Chinese people are my favorite. Chinese people are the most racist people on the earth, and I love it. No one gets mad at them. They're straight up just racist.

They hate black people. They're crazy, man. Why would you get mad at them? Because they're just going to fucking kill you. If I came straight from China and I had to live in a hood working at some chicken place or whatever, I would hate black people, too. Let me ask you, Kevin. Which Asians are more racist against black people

chinese or koreans i brought koreans man koreans are just the angriest people on the earth oh yeah i dated a korean oh god she was fucked up yeah dude hey but fucking great breakdances man yeah that's so bizarre that they would be so hateful of black people and yet adopt the major dance. No, exactly. They're fucking monster break dancers, great jazz musicians. There's also a lot of good rap in Korea.

It's weird. So funny. How does that happen? Have you ever seen the videos of people trying to escape North Korea? No. There's a lot of them on YouTube. And one of them,

they had it all planned out. The family would go through. The dad would go through last. But in the last minute, the dad freaked out and shoved himself first and pushed his three-year-old daughter back. Wow! And then the guards got the daughter and I think his wife as well. It was pretty

brutal. They got sent to a camp. Damn! But he got out? He got free? Yeah. He got a lesson. Yeah, exactly. He's over there in South Korea having a great time. That's what I'm talking about. Get out of the way so you can get to freedom.

I love it. No, yeah, no, it's just, yeah, it's great, man. Koreans. I love to fucking, I was just agreeing with people. Yeah, absolutely. Next news story. The Oxbow fucking, I was just agreeing with people. Next news story. The Oxbow Academy, a boot camp style facility in Utah,

is treating teenagers with pornography addictions by using holistic therapy, banning phones, and insisting on lie detector tests. Dubbed the Porn School, Oxbow charges heavily, nearly $9,000 a month, but is trying to tackle a problem that increasingly afflicts those who can't refuse the easy access, experts say.

Quote from school director Stephen Schultz, most porn addicts get agitated when they are deprived of their online sources. One boy from Chicago actually got the shakes like a drug abuser. Wow! It's called jerking off. It's not the shakes like a drug abuser. Wow. It's called jerking off. What I don't understand is that they're just going to jerk off without porn. Everyone can get off without watching porn. Do it in the mind.

I trained my mind well. I have so many crazy fantasies. You know what's crazy? I go back to high school a lot. Yeah? Oh yeah. I go back to high school. All those chicks that like weird kind of Weird backstage moments I had with chicks I had this one chick

I was making an exit It was a little game she played with me The hottest chick in our high school I would have to open this door Say a line to the audience And go through the door Every time she would show me her ass The last time she ripped open her shirt

And showed the tits. And then she would run from me and I would chase her all the way around the backstage. I can't get over that. I'm beating off of that. Years later, I'm beating off of that. Debbie, I love ya. Oh yeah. I imagine girls from high school

just saying, come on my tits. Oh yeah, definitely. Why not? Yeah, and that's where I get there. Specifically this girl, saying, come on my tits. Oh yeah, definitely. Why not? That's where I get there. Specifically this girl, Dayla, who had fucking amazing tits. But like cartoon versions of them, right?

Not cartoons. It's pretty much girls who I got to the tits but didn't actually get to fuck because I never fucked a high school girl. Mostly elementary school girls? Mostly. I got to the tits but didn't actually get to fuck because I never fucked a high school girl. So it was always... Mostly elementary school girls? Mostly.

What constitutes amazing tits? What constitutes amazing tits is size and I would say... Perkyness is always nice. That's what it is. Not saggy. Real nice and not like pig tits. Not like weird pig tits. What's what it is. Not saggy. Real nice.

And not like pig tits. Not like weird pig tits. What's a pig tit? Eraser head nipples. Pig tits. Where the titties are cone shaped. The clit we were talking about earlier. The tit version of that.

Three inch titties. Yeah, man. I don't like that shit. Long nipples are always bad. That pencil eraser nipple. Yeah, yeah. Just cut it off. Cut some off. Yeah, man. You gotta chew it off. That's great. There it is.

How would you describe your tits, Amber? Oh, they're not big. They're like cup size and they're perky. I like my breasts. They're nice. She's got them out now i'm good rubbing them on the microphone um i i do have a hair growing out of my nipple all the time i have to pluck it do you have that too jackie yeah you pluck it yeah it's like hell and it goes it looks way deep the whole thing goes really well comes right out of the areola like i've got one or two.

And it's like, every woman has it, but most women don't do anything about it, which I think is weird. The second I see it, I fucking get a tweezer and I rip it out so hard. Yeah, yeah. And then I just bleed and I bleed. Has any dude in here ever come across a hairy nipple? Oh, absolutely. Yes, I have.

Really? Oh, it's the worst. How was it? It freaked me out. I hated it. I mean, what else is there to talk about? Was it like really. It freaked me out. I hated it. Was it really hairy? It was pretty hairy. I was very drunk making probably my big

mistake fuck night. It was like that night. You only have one? The biggest one. The biggest one. My first one, too. My first big one. Yeah, yeah. That was like...

It was awful. Yeah, I just wanted to puke, and then I just turned her over. Did you get any hair stuck in the back of your throat at all? Some in my nose. Oh, wow. You really need it. Nose to have it, huh? Marina, what...

I like to sniff a tit. Oh, absolutely. Nose, thank you. A gross friend of mine, she was like one of the tit. Oh, absolutely. Nose, thank you. A gross friend of mine, she was like, one of the hottest nights of my life, my boyfriend plucked my nipple hairs out with his mouth.

Disgusting. See, that's what I was thinking whenever you said you found the nipples. I was like, why didn't you just bite him? Bring him out with the teeth. Did he do it with the teeth? Oh, yeah, he did it with his teeth. Plucked it out with his teeth. There you go. Did he do it with the teeth? Oh, yeah, he did it with his teeth.

There you go. Did he do it with his lips? Oh, no, just with the teeth. I see nothing wrong with this. I don't know. Moreno, what high school girl do you jack off to the most? I was in college. I was 21.

She was my roommate's girlfriend. She was 16. Holy fuck! Let me finish. She was 16. She was drunk on tequila. Oh, it gets better for you. This is this guy's girlfriend.

I'm laying in my bed. She comes into my room. She's like, I want to kiss you. I was like, I can't. Because of the reasons I just mentioned. 16, drunk, you know, somebody else's girlfriend. So she starts to rub my chest. She's beautiful. She starts to rub my chest

with her hand, and while she's doing it, her elbow is rubbing against my boner. I've masturbated to that at least a hundred times. That's it? But you never ended up fucking her? No, no, it would have been wrong. It would have been wrong. Yeah, that's true.

That's nice. If I fucked her, I'd probably be able to masturbate to it as much. That's true. She probably wouldn't be that good. 16 and drunk on tequila. She's not going to be good. I have so many backstage at plays in high school. Good lord. That's where I used to always make out with Baylor.

Backstage. Amber, do girls go through the same thing that guys go through? high school beat off band. That's where I used to always make out with Bela backstage. Amber, do girls go through the same thing that guys go through? After you're in a relationship, about three months after it ends, you start jacking off to your ex-girlfriend and the wonderful things you did. Do you ever twiddle your wonderful bean to an ex-boyfriend? Yeah, absolutely.

And then you kind of feel guilty about it. If you don't like them, if it didn't end well, you kind of feel guilty about it. If you don't like them, like if it didn't end well, you know, you kind of feel guilty about it. But then you still kind of, because your body is still there, you know, your body's still with him, but your mind is like, he was an asshole, you know? Well, then you do a hate fuck fantasy, though. Yeah, absolutely.

So you just like punch yourself in the crotch? Damn you, why are you always doing this to me? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Have you ever yelled at your penis head? Oh, yeah, a million times. God damn it! What the fuck is wrong with you? Go to sleep!

It's just one of those terrible conditions. I can't follow sleep or wake up without jacking off. It's always the bookend of everything. It's terrible. I go days, weeks, nothing. You're still crazy. off it's always the bookend of everything it's terrible no days weeks nothing you're still crazy yeah now we know this this is a fact Kevin how long is the longest you went like four months I probably some I was a while man I'm just not worried about it man I get my dreams if I go that long

that's why I don't even I don't man. No, it's just like I think about backflips or something and it's done. You think about backflips? It's just exciting to me, man. Have you ever thought you're just going to adopt a disgusting fetish where you can only jizz when people are bouncing around? No, no. Come on, man.

I'm a fucking real nigga, man. Look. What does that mean? What do you think it means, man? It means exactly what I just said. I am a real nigga, man. Look. What does that mean? What do you think it means, man? It means exactly what I just said. I am a real nigga. Alright. Explanation accepted.

I ain't worried about it, man. But if you were, wouldn't you want to fuck more? Listen. I don't need to explain myself. I'm fine with fucking. That's fun. It's exciting when it happens.

But I like other things, man. I go on YouTube and I watch dudes do backflips. And that's pretty cool. I mean, this is, you know, it's sounding more and more like confession. Look. Have you ever seen a perfectly executed backflip? I mean, height, extension.

Flexibility is very important. I like it. It's a beautiful thing. God damn it. I feel uncomfortable now. Sometimes I won't jerk off for like three days just to see how big I can get my load. Yeah, sometimes I spill out the sock completely. Like by a lot.

Have you ever tasted your own jizz? No. I have not. We've been talking about this a lot more lately. You know, we're coming into our own now. Hey, literally, huh? Ah, yeah. Coming into our own now. Ding, literally. Coming into our own now.

Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong. That tasted like bread dough. Oh, that sounds pretty good. Yeah, that's not bad. Does that sound accurate to you ladies? Completely, yeah. Steve? Yeah, yeah. Fuck you.

Fuck you. What is wrong? You're a piece of shit, man. What happened? You're a piece of shit, man. What happened? You're a fucking bum. Don't call me all those accurate names. Disrespecting Steve, man. He shows up to all the parties with the best sausages.

He's a fucking good dude. He's my favorite local musician. And now you're shitting all over him. I'm not shitting on him! What did I do? I want to get that sound clip, though. I like that. Ben Kissel, you're a fucking bum. You play it all the time.

Next news story. Ohio police have arrested a man for masturbating with his teddy bear in public for the fourth time. What? You let him off three times. Please don't do it again. Please.

The previous three times, small fines and short jail stints, Charles Marshall, 28, was arrested in a Cincinnati alley near a health clinic this week and given a citation for disorderly conduct. Over the past two years,

officers have caught him doing the stuffed animal thing in a public library men's room in an area which is unspecified with minors likely around. Now, what do they mean, like, with the teddy bear? Like, would they use the arms on his dick, you know what I mean? Well, they'd probably cut a hole in it,

right, and shove his dick inside. Yeah, but how would the arms on his dick? You know what I mean? They'd probably cut a hole in it, right? And shove his dick inside. Yeah, but how would that even get you going? It just seems ineffective, man. Why are they picking on this guy? They gotta arrest the teddy bear for being so sexy. I wonder if it was the same teddy bear. Does it say? It does not say, no.

Why don't they put, like, a pocket pussy in the teddy bear? It's a lot like that Seth MacFarlane movie, Ted, right? All it says is, uh, masturbating using a teddy bear. It's a lot like that Seth MacFarlane movie, Ted, right? All it says is masturbating using a teddy bear in a public place where minors were likely to be present. Oh, that's probably why you had the teddy bear. Get the minors over, maybe if you fuck the teddy bear for a while, the minors will come over,

you have a good time, but no, it hasn't happened. Eddie, mugshot description on this man. I mean, this guy's let his hair go way out of control. Kind of looks like Fat Jimmy Walker. He's droopy-eyed, and he's got a shitty mustache. Yeah, black guy is afro, is really high. But not well-maintained.

But not out. It's just up top, but not out to the sides. I mean, talk about stinky people. This guy definitely smells bad. Yeah, this guy smells really bad. Oh, he's fucking retarded. Yeah, he might be. Yeah, he just wants to fucking come on his teddy bear.

He was in a bathroom. He was in an alley. He's fine. He doesn't look all there. You know, he looks a little slow. Now, you get busted for fucking a teddy bear in public four times. I think these cops are being a bunch of fucking assholes. Prudes! What's that?

Prudes! They're being prudes. Let him fuck his teddy bear. I'll tell you what, I just realized we haven't talked about this yet. Kevin should have been arrested by some actions he had by the dumpster the other night. Nah, man. Nothing happened over there. Kevin doesn't want to talk about it.

Yeah, we can't talk about When Kevin got a blowjob from that chick And then a gay dude grabbed his dick This does not We went down His father is listening His father stopped listening a long time ago Kevin you can regale us with your fantastic story

I don't think your father made it past the demon summoning Look dude All that happened I was walking down the street and I went into the deli and got a sandwich and went home. Tasty sandwich. You get that Philly cheesesteak? Nah, dude. Fucking jerk turkey.

Oh yeah, jerk turkey. Oh, man. And now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Truth and lies. Truth and lies. We're all going to say, yeah. Just kind of going for like an intro thing there. Spooky music or whatever.

Yeah, I'll take it. It's fine. Okay, so we're all going to say either a truth or a lie and we're going to go around the room we're all going to say either a truth or a lie. And we're going to go around the room. And everyone's going to say whether they think it's a truth or a lie. And one at a time, we'll do it. I will start my confessional or non-confessional.

I used I used Ben's pocket pussy You mean the fleshlight? Yeah I cleaned it out afterwards It was great When I gave Chyna the award with the big clit, I got a

pocket pussy as a consolation. I had to see. I hated myself for it. I was interested in it, though. It was fine. But yeah. Amber? Do we say it now? Truth.

Lied. I'm going to say it's? Yeah, say it now. Truth. Kevin? Oh, for my own? Lie. I'm going to say it's a lie just because when I got this fleshlight home everyone finger banged it like multiple times. It was filthy

and disgusting. It was full of hair but now given Holden's past history with his love of nipple hairs perhaps he did think that was erotic.

But I'm still going to go with a lie just that I don't think Holden's dick could fill up such a a vulva A fantastic vulva Steve?

I'm going to go with lie He had a little sneer on his face He had a little look I'm going to guess lie I'm also going lie That thing was real gross Lie, disgusting piece of Rubbery flesh Margus, I got all mangly

and stuff. Marcus? I'm not participating. I'm just the scorekeeper here. It is a lie. You got me. I'm also terrible at lying. I knew you were disgusting, but I didn't think you were that disgusting. Everyone except for Amber gets a point. Well, Holden doesn't get a point,

does he? No, I don't get a point. Oh yeah, that's right. But Amber also did not know that we played with the flashlight as much as we did. Yeah, Holden doesn't get a point, does he? No, I don't get a point. Oh, yeah, that's right. But Amber also did not know that we played with the flashlight as much as we did. Yeah, she doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. It's a pretty gross flashlight. I know that, but I'm just saying in your defense, you didn't know we, like, fucked it with a bunch of shit in that living room.

Doesn't matter. Inconsequential now! Oh, my deal? Okay. I was switched at birth three times. Ooh. Intriguing. Can you elaborate or no?

They gave my mom a little boy baby and she started breastfeeding it. Wasn't right. Gave my mom another baby. Wasn't right. And another baby wasn't right than me. Ooh. Holden, what are you saying?

I'll go with truth. Yeah, truth, man. I'm going to go lie just because it sounds too truthful. I'm going to go lie because it feels like they would normally say, it's a girl or it's a boy when it comes right out. Interesting. Rona?

True. A lot of tense pressure here. I'm going to go lie. True. It's true. Wow. Three times, y'all. So are you like 100% positive that that's your mom? Oh, I don't know.

All right. So who all got that right? I got it wrong. All right. All right. You liar! A lot of stuff happened. Truth or lie.

Ooh, interesting. Yeah, you did not get it. All right. You guys have to be an arbiter on this because I am not paying attention. Yeah, yeah, interesting. Yeah, you did not get it. All right, you guys have to be an arbiter on this because I am not paying attention. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. All right. Kevin.

Okay, so I am either a fourth or a fifth white, and one of my great uncles was a Nazi, which is fucking... Accurate and perfect. Hold on just one second. Alright. Continue.

Does he have to re-say the blatant lie? I'm going lie. You're going lie on Kevin? I'm going truth. Alright. I'm going to go truth. I'll going truth. Alright, I'm going to go truth. I'll go truth. Alright. True.

Yeah, I'm saying true. Lie. What do we got? It is a lie. Yeah! Alright. I knew I had to start with white, but the nonsense is wrong, right? Yeah!

Alright. Alright, so who got it? Yeah! Ed. Ed. Not doing good in this one. No, doing very poorly in this one. Not winning.

I'm not a good liar, but I'm a good lie detector, baby. Let's do this. Alright, Ben, what do you got? I got busted for farting in bowls when I was five years old. Farted in all my mother's bowls and all of her kitchen appliances. I will start. Definite truth.

Yeah, truth. I'll go true. Tough to say. True? Yeah, yeah. Gotta say true. This is so true. True.

It's unfortunately very true. Yeah! Honestly, I knew that was true because you've told me that story before. Oh, yeah. It's true. It's unfortunately very true. Yeah! Honestly, I knew that was true because you've told me that story before. Oh, yeah. It was embarrassing. Actually, no. Nobody gets a point because everybody got a point. Yeah, exactly. So it doesn't even matter. Amber, what did you say in the last one?

Oh, I don't remember. Okay, fine. And Steve. Alright. Alright. I was when I was 10 years old in the All City Youth

Choir. That was the 500 out of 50,000 auditioned for. And I sang in a giraffe cage. Alright. Amber, alright.

Amber? Lie. Lie. True. I go true? True. Lie! True. It's true. Yeah! I don't know anyone here.

Because people don't joke about giraffes. Alright, so I'll get that one. Me. I did awesome. Matt Moreno, Ed Larson, Kevin Barnett. You got it. I'll tell you what, you know what?

Because you framed it like a lie. That's why the way you spoke, I should have seen through that. For a second, I was like, he's trying to make it sound like a lie. Alright. And the scores so far, we have Eddie in the lead with four. Wow. And Kevin and Morano, Eddie in the lead with four. Kevin and Marano second place tied with three.

I've got all of mine right. I don't have any less points. Because you did one yourself. You've done one yourself. You've already done one. Ed hasn't done one. Math, man. That's just wild. Alright, Matt.

Hold on. I should have five then because I've gotten them all right. No, you've got four No one got a point That's right One time I took crystal meth I went to the beach There was a kid

In the ocean flopping around Possibly drowning I pulled him out Maybe saved his life. True. Jackie? True. Ed? Lie. Got enough coke there?

True. True. True, man. I'll go lie. I did go to the beach on crystal meth, but not save anyone's life. Alright, so we got Eddie and who else got that one?

Steve. How was the beach on Crystal Meth, by the way? Beautiful. Nice, right? I only done Crystal Meth once, just for the record. Good, good. Jackie. So I went to Hershey Park when I was about 8 years old.

True. Which I was in. And I really wanted a Mr. Hershey bar which is the figure of the Hershey Park. It was like a stuffed animal that was like a big Hershey bar with a head on it. It was terrifying. And my parents wouldn't buy it for me

so I stole it and got caught and got brought in by security and had to be let out of the park by security, and my parents followed behind me. True. True. It's a camper. True. I'm going true.

Lie. All right. True. True. It was actually a Mr. Reese's stump. Yeah! Fuck all that. Fuck that.

Fuck that. It did happen, though. You are a nigga for that one. That was pretty good, though. So we got Holden and Steve on that one. And Amber, you didn't say? I guess true. Alright, Ed.

Real doozy. Ed's got 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. So no one can beat me. No, not at all. Alright, so I already won, but let's do this anyway. Alright. I accidentally...

You should say I won the game. I accidentally did meth with a tranny behind a dumpster at a gay bar in Tallahassee. True. Lie. Lie. It's a lie only because

you didn't do it on accident. There's no way you did that on accident. I'll go true. True. I did it on accident when I did it, so true. By the way, right now, everyone is playing for second place. That's a great place to be.

It's a complete lie. Yeah! So who got lie correct? I did. Kevin? I don't think I got anyone right. Who else? Not good. No one else.

All right. So we have a tiebreaker here. Oh, wow. Interesting. Between Holden and Kevin. Oh. Marcus, do you have any backflip facts? Let's do that.

I'm going to tell one here. do that. I'm going to tell one here. When I was a kid, I shat in some baby food jars, and then

in a hotel, and then put the lid back on, and then threw it in the pool. Oh. Okay, okay. I was worried you put it back in the fridge. Oh. Okay, okay. I was worried you'd put it back in the fridge. I mean, he's got a funny kid for a day. Killing kids.

I'm going to go with lie, man. I'll go with truth because he's going with lie. True! Yeah! Oh, man. You're going number two. You're the only number two in the game. I'm number two.

I'm always number two. All right. Congratulations, Eddie. Big win. Big win. Big win. I feel good two. I'm always number two. Congratulations, Eddie. Big win. Big win. I feel good. I feel strong. Alright, for Jackie Zabrowski, Ed Larson, Kevin Burnett, hold him in your hand. Please, chubby farts. Chubby farts, I'm sorry. Thanks for being here, man.

At the end of the day, we're all one. You know why? Because we're friends, man. Yeah! Happy Father's Day. Happy Father's Day. Happy Father's Day. Thanks, Amber. I've got to give a shout out to one of our listeners

who wrote an amazing email. His name is Ian Gedmanos. He says that CCR, home to the best horror podcasts and the classiest of roundtables, was already amazing, and our new shows are just adding to a great network, including Page 7, Jackie's new show.

Yeah, listen to it. Get the goo-goos and the ga-ga's of celebrity gossip. All right. Goodbye. Goodbye, everybody.