The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 103: DB's Golden Banana Live!

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On this special live two year anniversary Round Table: Leprechauns are assaulting bar patrons in Seattle, a mother makes a sex tape with her 16 year old son, and an audience Q&A reveals drag preferences, favorite books, and a horrible secret involving a dumpster.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Is that better? Yeah, yeah, that's great. Ed? Ed Larson? E-V-L-A-R-S-O-N.

How's that sound to everyone out there? Sounding good? You wanna hear us? You hear this? Everyone hears ya. Alright, Holden? Holden, it's time for prayer. Time for prayer, buddy. Everyone close your eyes. It's time for a guided meditation. Close your fucking eyes.

You are a tiny little ball of cheese that Ben is holding in his hands. Oh, my God. Get me out. No, no. It's 3 in the morning, and buddy, he's hungry. So you're going in. You're taking a little trip down the gullet there. Oh, what do you see down there?

More cheese. All of your friends. All of your friends. They're all getting eaten by his stomach acids. And now you're in his colon, and you're coming out as a tiny poo. You literally did just end up in the creek in the cave bathroom. Just now that's the shit smell you're smelling right now. Now you're a gorilla on a surfboard in a 90s commercial for potato chips.

You say something dumb like, Chunky monkey, these chips are funky. I want to buy those chips, dude. I want to get those chips. You're riding the waves, but oh lord, who is he? Oh, it's Cthulhu. Now you're going mad. You decide to

get the hell out of there. You wake up. You're covered in blood. It's a girl's blood. Somehow you know that. Who killed the girl? Jesus Christ! I thought it was the cheese. I thought it was clotted.

Now you're succulent milk. We're coming back to the cheese. Succulent milk inside of a large breast. Oh, I like this portion. Floating around. Something, a baby needs you. So you're getting out of that nipple real soon. Now you're inside of a baby.

It's almost as if you're molesting him unknowingly. Jesus Christ. I want the meditation to be over. He's taking a turn for the molestation. What part of you is inside the baby? Oh, all of your essence. It's wonderful to be in there. He's so clean.

So new and clean. Now you're coming out of a tiny baby's butt, and it is a Ben Kissel baby butt from 1980. 81. 81. There you go. You're opening your eyes now. You're breathing. And you're here in the

round table of gentlemen. What a nice presentation. Thank you Holden McNeely. I raised my hand. I can say something? No, Clyde. Okay, first of all... Give someone an ability once. Alright, hold on. Okay, so we are doing this show live, and I haven't even gone through the introductions. We told Clyde,

he's one of our retarded listeners, I would say extra retarded, and we said, well, you want to speak, raise your hand. He rose his hand and then started speaking without being called upon. So, Clyde, no, you cannot talk. You're a fucking retard, And when you do have an idea, I will look at you

and if I feel that there's a sparkle in your eye, that it might be mildly intelligent, I will allow you to speak. But for right now, who the fuck is everybody on this podcast? Jackie Zabrowski, and I am sitting next to a very wet... Chubby Farts! Coming at ya! Yum, yum, yum!

Chubby Farts is taking over and Lars hold a McNeely hey girls Kevin Barnett is me all right I'm Ben gives a little chuckle we got Henry Zebrowski thanks for being here buddy oh thank you so much it's so hard to come all the way from China. It's like we haven't been racist for the three weeks you've been gone. That's not true at all, Jack. That's not true. Matt, you blacked out two of the weeks and we're horribly racist. By the way, loving this audience right now. White as a bean. Nice.

No, we got Logan in the back. We got Logan. A bunch of bald whites. Oh, yeah. Thank God. Alright, so Marcus, give us some news stories, please. Just as the zombie threat appears to finally be lifting, it seems America could be at the mercy of an even

deadlier menace. A mob of leprechauns are carrying out vicious attacks in and around the city of Seattle. The pint-sized groups were allegedly... Fuck Seattle. I think Nirvana's music would have been a lot better if these leprechauns were around in 91. This is just some reporter who's desperately afraid of midgets.

They just happen to be wearing green. The pint-sized brutes were allegedly hopping mad. Pint-sized brutes? Allegedly hopping mad. Hopping mad. That's the only way they can punch a jaw is to hop and hit it.

You know, it's funny because they're midgets. You say hopping mad, but like a normal person is like, oh, he's pissed. He's really upset. That dude is standing on both of his feet

upset right now. A mob of leprechauns is carrying out their vicious attacks according to a man who claims to be one of their latest victims. The pint-sized brutes

were allegedly hopping mad After catching the man dancing with the Why'd you repeat it? Because it's hilarious It's good radio They were after catching the man dancing with the wrong girl At a Belltown bar So he was like dancing with one of these midget girlfriends

And they got really pissed off They got so mad Officers arrived at the scene of a bar fight To find the man covered in blood and screaming in pain with his head held in his hands. When officers asked who attacked him, the man replied, quote, it was a bunch of leprechauns.

At least he got right to the point. Oh, man. It's so funny because it's true. Yeah, it is. Just a bunch of little punches and a little cuffs. You know what? If we were all midgets, we'd probably get together and try to beat the shit out of one dude and claim he's... Absolutely.

Because it's hilarious. It's the best way. It's like, no, you're insane. That didn't happen to you. But that just feeds their anger, though. The more they're like, look at that tiny man. He's so mad. They're just getting more and more thoughts.

A midget just gets mad like... Oh, oh, oh. He grunts. You can't actually so mad. They're just getting more pissed off. A midget just gets mad like, oh, oh, oh. He grunts. You can't actually get mad. You can't be afraid of him. I mean, you can be terrified when you see a gaggle of midgets coming at you. I mean, that's even a goose. You just start swinging, man. You've got to start swinging.

Pick up the next. They don't have to duck, though. Oh, man, we kick. You've got to kick. The midget defense is quite, quite, you know, it's up there with Muhammad Ali. You can't hit the fucking people. Wait, what's the thing, too? We can't call them midgets anymore, right?

It has to be little people or dwarfs? It's better? No, dwarfs is not better. You're supposed to call them little people, which I think is the worst at all. It is worse, yeah. How about tiny guys? You don't call retards stupid people. Yeah.

They're very smart in their own way. Midgets are very strong in their own way. Yeah. They come together. Low center of gravity. A bunch of tree stumps running around on ship. You put them in a costume, and they're ten times more hilarious than a normal person. I just feel like you could put them in any sort of costume, and they could have done so much better for society.

You could have dressed them up like a bunch of little ducks and had them cross the highway, and it would stop traffic for like 45 minutes. It's fun to watch them run, man. It is. Let's give them little sticks and watch them make bird's nests all day. They're adorable little creatures. If you're a midget and you lose like two ounces of blood,

is it equivalent to like a fellow who is 6'7", such as my size, losing six ounces? I don't know. They're kind of fat. I feel like they might have the same amount of blood as us. Do midgets, and this is a throw-to in the crowd, do midgets have the same amount of blood as normal-sized human beings? Does anyone know anything about science out there? They don't deserve it.

Who's with me? Clyde, Clyde, do you know the answer? They have the same proportionate amount of blood. Proportionate amount of blood? They have the same proportionate amount of blood. Where did you learn this, Clyde? Did you just make this up? My job taught me all about people who are different.

That's right, because you take care of a fella. Yeah, he's not a midget. He just can't move any part of his body. It's a gator fight! It's a whole different not a midget. He just can't move any part of his body. Ah, yeah. It's a gator fight. It's a gator fight. Yeah, it's a whole different kind of midget. So they do have less blood than the average person. Would you rather be 7'7 with bad knees or 3'11 with fantastic knees and you can jump a foot?

What would you rather be? 7'7. Always 7'7. Always taller. Yeah, you can wear knee braces. Even in a wheelchair, you're taller than him. And also, what would they jump over that's a foot? What do you need to jump over?

A stair. Going up the subway. Everything is a fucking huge hurdle for them. Of course he could jump a foot. Yeah, no, exactly. He could definitely jump a foot. Little people live in a world of misery and hell. They don't use the upper on their cabinets.

Where do they keep their sugar? Everybody knows the sugar goes above the stove. It doesn't always. I keep my sugar right on the counter. All right. Well, you're a lazy person, Ed. I am. My sugar's in arm's reach, and now I'm lazy?

Yeah. And that's the thing. If you're a midget, your arms have such a little reach. I mean, you've got to put everything right in front of you at all times. Yeah, whipped cream. Fuck this. I'm doing something. All right, so we finally got alcoholic whipped cream.

All right, so right now, for those listening at home, Eddie and Jackie have just picked up alcoholic whipped cream. Thank you very much. I don't want to try the cherry. I heard this one's good. No, don't touch that. I want this one. I want this one.

I want this one. I want this one. I want this one. I want this one. I want this one. I want this one. I want this one. I want this one.

I want this one. I want this one. I want this one. I want this one. I want this one. I want this one. I want this one. I want this one.

I want this one. I want this one. I want this one. I want this one. I want this one. I want this one. I want this one. I want this one.

I want this one. I want this one. I want this one. I want this one. I want this one. I want this one. I want this one. I want this one.

I want this one. I want this one. I want this one. I want this one. I want this one. I want this one. I want this one. I want this one.

I want this one. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this.

I want this. I want this. Come on up. Come on up, Doug. How do you make it work? Bald fellow who heard us on Keith and the Girl. Come on up here. Try some alcohol and whipped cream. Try some alcohol and whipped cream real quick. Come on, friend. Come on, friend. It's fucking disgusting, right?

Here, take some cherry. I can't make it work. All right. Either way. I don't know how to make it work. Mel Brody's here. Mel Brody. All around table, bitch.

Holy fuck. That tastes horrible. I can't make it work. Oh, man. It's not good. Oh, it's so bad. All right, Jake. try some of this. I'm not having it yet. Is that peppermint? I'm not gonna have it. It's like a candy cane. I'll try the

chocolate. Oh, it's like so strong. I feel like I'm giving communion. This is amazing. What purpose does this serve? Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Do you put that on ice cream? Oh, you put it on whatever. Oh my god, I'm gonna fucking puke. Holy shit. I wish? You put it on whatever. Oh, my God. I'm going to fucking puke. Holy shit.

I wish I could put it into words. Put it into words. It's a fucking recorded program. It's like it's just inside of me forever. Oh, don't you whip it. The chocolate doesn't work. The chocolate literally doesn't work. Don't you whip it.

Stop it. This is making some really good radio right now. Put that down. Oh, no no I'm editing All of this out Unless someone can come up with Actual proper descriptive nouns You guys want to take them

Pass them back Take that one I'm going to take this cherry guy here Okay next story Alright I am I think it tastes pretty good. Oh, yeah.

This one's good. Okay, Logan, you want some? God damn it, I feel like I'm in hell. And it's also so hot, and my mouth is just filled with whipped cream. It's good. God damn it, I'm so hard right now, Jackie. Someone in the city. He's moving, God damn it. I'm so hard right now, Jackie.

He's literally moving away from me. I'm in hell. Henry, your sister got me hard. Why are my lips numb right now? Because you just had alcoholic whipped cream. Marcus, you're a big birthday cake right now and some fat kid's about to blow out your candles and eat the shit out of your ass. Oh my God.

I feel like if you light a match in this place it'll go up. I think that this is what Santa Claus' cum tastes like. Did you have the peppermint one? It was the peppermint one, right? Yeah, the peppermint one actually, I do believe this is what the anus tastes like of a Sandusky Ray child.

Coming to you in a can. Okay, next story. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A coven of witches from Salem, Massachusetts. Oh, yeah! You know that's bad alcoholic whipped cream when Tecate is a good chaser. Where you're like, thank God this cheap Mexican water tastes better in my mouth. A coven of witches from Salem, Massachusetts appeared in court to support a local stripper

who was arrested on drunk driving charges after she crashed her car, killing her passenger. Leave her alone! Good for them! She's a good girl! She's fine! In addition to working at DB's Golden Banana Gentleman's Club. Yeah! Please!

Can we go there? The Golden Banana. Please, please, please, please, please! Angelique Catherine Griffin, 25. I want to see the owner of the golden banana in Atlantic City betting shit tons of money on craps and just be like, I own the golden banana. You're not going to tell me what I can't win my money on? He's in a giant gorilla suit all the time. I want to see the wife of the dude who's always saying,

Jimmy, you're always going to the golden banana. You're always at the golden banana. Yo, bro, that's because you ain't got no banana. This woman, she is active in the local Wiccan community. The support led her uncle, a self-professed warlock, to hex anyone who tried to harm his niece. He did not get a diploma from the school of warlock. Other warlocks are like, no, no, no,

he's not a warlock. He's a smart guy, though. He's also investing in gold. Which is really nice. Griffin, the mother of three-year-old twins, told authorities she crashed because Mr. Renard, the man who died, who was 19 and was impaled and had a tattoo across his chest that said, while I breathe, I hope, would not stop trying to fondle her as she drove. Ah, man.

Good reason to kill him. He just thought that if he kept playing with her boobs, it would change the radio? When I squeeze the left tit, turn right. When I squeeze the right tit, squirm left. It's a bad rape excuse. That's a bad excuse. I think it's a good rape excuse. This chick was a stripper.

This was a patron of hers, right? She picked him up. She was going to do a nice deed, bring him home. And he starts grabbing on her titties. I'll tell you what, for a fat chick, she's got small thighs. She's not that fat. Wow, her thighs are ridiculously small. I looked over and was like, what is he talking about?

Don't move the computer. It's very precarious right now. I'm sorry. Wow, Big top. Big calves. Thighs. Chicken legs. She's got chicken thighs. It's fucking horrible.

It ain't dark meat, though. She looks a little bit like Aileen Wuornos. I don't know. Yeah, a little bit. That's a serial killer. Yeah, she was a serial killer. Horrible looking woman. I have a question about the article.

So they came to her aid like lawyers? What? These witches? No, no, no. They're just showing up in support. In court. No, it's never going to help when all of your fan base is cloaked in dark clothing with daggers in their pockets.

Just like big floppy hats on and brooms and shit. We're fine. You're going to be good. It's going to be fine. I thought witches were chicks and warlocks were dudes. Am I wrong? No, you're not wrong. That's a thing. So why is she claiming to be a warlock?

No, her uncle was a warlock. Here's what happened. Was I not paying attention? Not at all. When she appeared in court on Monday, several local witches and warlocks showed up to support her. Something her attorney noted to the judge. up to support her, something her attorney noted to the judge. Griffin's uncle, the warlock, his name is

Christian Day, posted on Facebook asking a friend to quote, send him energy to help his niece. Quote, I need to hex each and every person that would dare harm her. I call upon everything in the heavens and hells to both

protect her and to strike down anyone who would capitalize on this tragedy for their own gain, which would be us. You know what's really good at killing warlocks? Bullets. You just shoot these fuckers. Now is there magic in the bullets?

Does that know? The guns are magic. The bullets are metal. I mean, you know, perhaps the warlock put this spell on her before. You know, the guy was spondyling her tits and he died in a DWI accident. I mean, I think the warlock's curse actually fucking worked. Someone was grabbing on his niece's fucking tata, touching her disgusting, extremely wet pussy. And next thing you know, she hits a fucking tree. How do you know it's wet?

I don't know. I mean, I just always fantasize. All strippers are wet all the time. She claimed she didn't want to drive, but her friends told her she was the least person drunk in the group and had to take Mr. Renard, who, by the way, was an inspiring

rapper. You're the least person drunk in the world. I want to see that conversation of self-professed warlocks, aspiring rappers. I love their lifestyle, man. That just makes the story so much sadder because a frustrated rapper is the saddest thing in the world.

It's the dude who just can't make it. He's at the open mic. What rhymes with lamp? I'm fresh, man! What rhymes with lamp? Yeah, a warlock who can never become a professional warlock and a sad rapper. I think those are about equal, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Equal with the bling? I just feel like if you are going to call it, why would you ever call yourself a warlock? That immediately, it's like you can say I'm a witch. Yeah, call yourself a wizard. Call yourself a wizard. Just be a wizard. Wizards are cool. Be like, if you want to go, you can do whatever you want as a wizard.

If you say you're a warlock. No, no, no, no, no. You honestly, you mean to tell me that a wizard sounds more like legitimate. What about the KKK? Thank you very much. The wizard was. The only difference. I never said that.

No, that was like the highest rank. I'd much rather be a warlock than a wizard. Really? All a warlock is is a wizard that can suck his own dick. I mean, as soon as you get there. Yeah, that's. Yeah. Yeah, wizards are all nice and shit. I guess I would want it's a wizard that can suck his own dick. I mean, as soon as you get there. Yeah, wizards are all nice and shit. Wizards work for the government.

What you talking about? All right, next story. Holden, this one's for you. Oh, wow. Is it a mommy story? It is a mommy story. A woman who made a sex tape with her teenage son. I'm so hard right now. It's pulsing.

Screaming. I can hear it. After they were reunited. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

It went holding its heart. It just. Oh! Oh! A woman who. Oh, shit! A woman who made a sex tape with her teenage son after they were reunited after 15 years apart claims their relationship was not incest, but a case of genetic attraction. I love it.

It's genetic attraction. 15 years apart, she saw the kid when he was a little baby, and now he's 16 years old, big rock hard cock and everything, wanting to fuck his hot ass mom, who is very attractive and only 32. Do they sue the mom? I think it's fine. God damn it. She's fucking big ass.

Yes. Oh, my God. She's so fucking hot. Are her mommy breasts, are they delicious? They're right where you want them to be. Right, right. Is there milk in the picture? No, no, no.

There's actually a quart of milk next to the picture. Oh, God. They're bad. Oh, she's doing some self pics? Yeah, yeah. Well, she sent nude pictures of herself to her son on Facebook. Did she know it was her son? People don't know how to use fucking Facebook.

That's ridiculous. That is a Facebook foul. She found her son on Facebook after having no contact with him for 15 years. As she should have not. As she should have not. And then she started sending him inappropriate messages, and the inappropriate messages turned into pictures such these Booty shots here with her pants on And then

These pictures are not that inappropriate No no no Even from your mother She's showing her ass and shit But it's not like she's wearing no pants I don't know man that's not That's still inappropriate It's pretty hot

I don't want my mom to send me that picture. I mean, my mother's not this kind of hot. I'm in like a lost coma right now. Just imagine seeing your mother's upper thigh. My mom just sends me those pictures to see how the pants fit, but that's just more of a fashion thing. Holden, let me ask you this. Here's a

quote from some psychologists. Some psychologists say family members who are separated for a long time could become sexually attracted to each other when they meet as adults. Those are all just psychologists who fuck their children. What is your question? My question is, let me ask it.

How long has it been since you've seen your mother? Yeah. It's been like four months and seven days. How many minutes and how many hours? Eight hours, 23 minutes. She says hey, by the way. Oh, nice. I love your mother. I'm so glad you're listening, Mrs. McNeely.

Yes, thank you. Thank you, Mrs. Mc... Thank you, mommy. This will kill her. I believe that distance makes the heart grow fonder But I also feel like Being in the house And having Luscious Mommy

Bring you cookies Makes the heart Fucking calm Like calm Like I feel like when I come On Mommy It's like a brain Like my brain is coming calm. I feel like when I cum on mommy, it's like a brain cum. My brain is cumming.

My entire... Have you all the cream? I do feel sick, yeah. I also read a story somewhere. It was on a person's self-confession.

He was a kid that broke his arms when he was like, it must have been post-puberty. It was on Reddit, right? Right. It was on Reddit. And he was talking about how he broke his arms and he was in a lot of pain and he needed her mommy. He needed his mommy. And she would milk him. Yeah, she'd beat him up. She would milk him. She would

come him. That's our way. It's like, come me, mommy. Come me, mommy. She would come him. Just because a nurse takes your blood doesn't mean she's a vampire. This mother was just trying to evacuate some liquid from her son. It's a slippery slope, ladies

and gentlemen. When mom gets going, mom gets fucking in it. Imagine the monster that he was. Yeah, he should have blown him, though. Yeah, I started sucking him, started fucking on him. That's fine. I can't even. He came out of her.

He can go back into her. Right, exactly. It's like, yay, it's back in. That was always what we'd say. It's like, hey, thank you. It's like that snake that eats itself. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You're a burros.

Thank you, finally. You know, it's like when you get back to. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You're a burros. Thank you, finally. You know, it's like when you get back to your essence, there's nothing better. So if you want to live, people, if you want to live. And I'm talking to the girls, too. You can fucking eat a pussy and shit. You can just see Lexi's face, who is currently Holden's girlfriend for now. For about another 40 to 46 seconds. Lexi, come up to my mic real quick, Lex.

Can you express in a tweet, just tweet how you feel about what Holden just said. You're a very beautiful woman, very busty, very hot. That's Lexi. I'm just saying I want to fuck her, I want to fuck Holden's girlfriend.

Is that not good? I mean, I think the reason that Holden and I work so well is because he reminds me of my daddy. Oh! Mommy, daddy! Everything's working out! That makes sense. Lexi, I don't know how you...

So your father's like a fat-necked lizard face? Lexi, you're't know how you... So your father's like a fat-necked lizard face? Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Lexi, you're so god damn beautiful. This is what's beautiful about it. In a way, when we're in coitus, it's like her dad is fucking my mom. It's like we're not even in the goddamn room. You're a fucking shaky, shaky kid. That's great, man.

So gross. That's great, man So gross That's beautiful, yeah I'm glad you guys got that shake on it Lexi's a gorgeous woman I have no idea how such a hideous father That could possibly look like Holden Could create such a wonderful specimen Oh, good for you

Alright, Clyde You have something to say What do you have to say, Clyde? Come on up I just want to say that all of this to me Sounds like a textbook Cinderella story. Cinderella story? What do you mean?

It moves my heart. Oh, well, thanks a lot. That's good. Not like we're all like, you know what? That's like another do a Cinderella. I know, but I really like the idea of like seeing nipples dripping milk, and you guys are just talking about it for so long. You started thinking about mice and wizard costumes.

It all just came together. I came together. I came together. Came together in your pants and I am with you. I ejaculated multiple times during that last episode. Speaking of came together, I wish we'd all do it on Clyde. Jesus. That's a story.

You said the show didn't start without me. I just needed more people in the audience. Has anybody ever accidentally come on anybody here? Come on anyone? Of course, we've all come on people. No, I'm saying accidentally. Oh, well, yeah.

Well, I beat off earlier, didn't wash my hand, and shook hands with all you guys. So, I mean, I can say anything. Isn't that fun when you jack off, and then you go on the L train, you grab the subway pole, you release it, some nice fucking young gal grabs it, and you're like, we're sort of common-law married. You have to wash your hands. You have to always wash your hands. I spit on them and wiped them. I don't even know why people use those sanitizers.

Everyone should just have spermicide. You just have like an old piece of denim that's under your bed that you just like loosely like pat your hands on. It was like a year ago, I was on a train and I saw some Asian dude with pink eye. Oh, watch out. And he literally started rubbing his eye like this with his palm on his eye,

and then he just grabbed the pole right after that. And I looked at him. I was just like, no. No, you did bad. You did bad. The entire time, Eddie was licking the subway poles, but then he hurtled where that guy touched, and he continued to lick the rest of the subway poles.

I had this friend, Nelson, in college. He had a dog, little Chihuahua. It was always horny as fuck. Oh, yeah. There was some girl with some really great tits. Wouldn't let nobody touch them. She was at a party. She wanted to hold this dog, Cheeky.

And Cheeky just got on her. He's always just fucking rock hard as soon as he comes across a stranger. And just, like, humped a tit for one second. Immediately nutted. Great. Okay. All right. Ladies in the house, what is worse, getting nutted on by a chihuahua or a nice homeless fellow on the subway?

What is worse? Bitches love dogs. Yeah, they love the dogs, man. Char, we'll do show of hands. Show of hands chihuahua. Can you say show of t We'll do show a hand. Show a hand chihuahua. Can you say show a tit so I can find a chihuahua? One chihuahua. Do you think chihuahua's worse?

All right, show a hand homeless man. Yeah, homeless man. Wow. Homeless man. A lot of people would rather be a homeless man than a chihuahua. I would much rather be nutted on by a chihuahua. I would much rather a chihuahua myself. Oh, yeah.

I would rather be nutted on by it. He's homeless, man. He's homeless, dude. How about both? Can we have a both? Alright, next story. And this one is out of the UK. So I'm going to do this one

in a BBC Newsreader voice. Fantastic. A Tory MP who took part in a Nazi-themed stag party was last night sacked by David Cameron for his offensive and foolish behavior. Aidan Burley was fired from his job as aide to Transport Secretary Justine Greening a week after the Mail on Sunday obtained footage of the event, which featured a toast to the Third Reich and a guest dressed as an SS officer.

How many times I say, like, I say Heil Hitler a lot in a funny way, in a funny way. It's always hilarious. Secret Heil. But I know for a fact that, like, I mean, that is, it would be a fun party, right? It's going to be a great time.

Let's face facts. A naked girl dresses as a Nazi regardless of your beliefs is kind of fun. Right? Half of my family is Jewish. And if I dressed up

like a Nazi... I'm Polish! We got our ass handed to us. If I dressed up like a Nazi I'd expect to at least get fucked that night Why? That's why I had perfect sense What you said

It makes a mild amount of sense But I'm just saying Just because you dressed up like a Nazi Just because you dress up As like Jason Voorhees At fucking Halloween Doesn't mean you're from Camp Crystal Like let the guy go

Once you dress up like a Nazi, you switch over. To what? To being a Nazi? Yes. No. I have dressed up like a woman multiple Halloweens, and never once have I been able to finger my fucking sweet vagina that I wish I had. I wish I was a girl.

Oh, man. Is that okay? I mean, yeah. It doesn't matter to me. A Nazi-themed bachelor party sounds kind of fun. Oh, man. Is that okay? I mean, yeah. I mean, yeah. It doesn't matter to me. A bachelor party, a Nazi-themed bachelor party sounds kind of fun. Yeah? That would be kind of like a swing in time.

A Nazi bachelor party? Yeah, with polka music. There is actually a picture of this. Eddie, describe this picture to me. All right, so there's this tiny dude in a Hitler outfit. Like a midget in a Hitler outfit? No, no, no. He's like a 5'4 type of guy in a Hitler outfit. Like a midget in a Hitler outfit? No, no, no. He's like a 5'4 type of guy in a Hitler outfit. And behind him is another guy dressed in red holding a spear.

And then behind him is another guy dressed like an undertaker hiling to the sky. When did the Nazis use spears? The spear of destiny, sir. Oh. But yeah, no, it seems. Oh. But yeah, I know it seems like a pretty rad party. That's the thing.

They probably do drink and laugh a lot. Because it's just costumes. They're not spreading hate. They're just listening to like 90s dance music and like dressing like Nazis. And everyone at the party was just going

Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler. Why not? I would really love it if there was a party where people were dressed as Nazis and it was a breakdance battle. Hey, Hitler, it's your birthday. Hey, Hitler, it's your birthday. And he's just like in the middle. It's his birthday. It's always his birthday.

They're talking about what films they want to produce. Me and Ben were talking about it. It was like, ain't no party like a Nazi party because the Nazi party don't stop since 1945 or so. There was a group. There was an underground rap group, really underground, who I was obsessed with

back six years ago. They were on MySpace. They call themselves Leukemia Titty. Classic. You've got to give it some breaks. They had a song that was called Hitler's My Nigger. I like it.

I like it quite a bit. I love everything about these men. It's not the party. It's the fact the guy had a job in government. That's where I'm fired. Everyone's like, I want my politicians to be like me. I want the people in office to represent the people. The people go to Nazi parties where they dress up like Hitler, and all of a sudden he starts to do it. He's the cool guy.

What's the name of that one character from Bullwinkle? Not Bullwinkle. Bullworth. Bullworth. He's the hip-happening dude. He's the hip-happening dude. What's that movie all the kids are talking about? What's that movie the kids are talking about You know Bullwark It says that this guy Is an MP Hey Nikita

What's an MP Minister of Parliament He's like a congressman I thought it was military police Whatever I'm still laughing about Fucking the Lufenoma titty Yeah it's the Lufenoma titty. Yeah, it's the lufenoma titty. I don't think he can hear.

I think he just reads lips. That's a problem. We're not in a round shape today. All right, well, you guys want to get back to death? Absolutely. A woman with special needs who was thought to have died from natural causes with... Is this like a woman who was like... Frog killed.

Jesus Christ, let me finish. A woman with special needs who was thought to have died from natural causes was found with rope and a candy wrapper stuffed down her throat when her body was being embalmed. Ah! How do we know she didn't just swallow it on her own? Mama, mama, this spaghetti is so hard. Oh, Mama. That's what happens when a clown comes in your mouth. He announces to rope with candy wrappers.

She was just trying to be a magician. When 70-year-old Kathleen McEwen's body was found in her apartment in Philadelphia. She was 70? Yeah. She was 70? Yeah. She died long ago. There were not thought to be any suspicious circumstances surrounding her death. However, when undertakers attempted to embalm her

body the next day, they discovered They discovered up to 10 inches of cotton rope and a candy wrapper stuck in her throat. Maybe she was just trying to floss. Now, bitch just won't die. She probably just didn't understand this guy was trying to kill her. She's like, I'm going to eat it.

And just like gulped it down. She was just trying to do like belly fishing. She's like, I'll stick the rope in and get all the funny fish in my belly. I mean, the guy probably was like, there's a sweet sucker in your stomach, and we've got to put this wrapper on this string, and then you can wrap it up, and then you can pull it out, and then you get to eat the sucker.

I don't believe anything. She ate it. I really think she did it on purpose. I mean, because you would have noticed, like, impression marks on her throat, because you're going to have to hold her throat and then shove the rope into her mouth. Describe in detail, yeah, how exactly do you feel? throat like because you're gonna have to hold her throat and then shove the rope into her mouth a woman has been charged with the murder her name is geraldine cherry geraldine perara i thought she's a 49 year old neighbor sounds like a stripper well what's

happened when you got your when your neighbor's banging pots and pans and listening to marching band music all night long, you get kind of upset. Yeah, shove some rope down her throat. Why didn't this chick take the rope out of her throat after she was dead? Yeah, wasn't that the point of the rope? So you could pull it out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Once she dies, take the rope out.

We've all learned a lesson today. Yeah, I'm glad. Thank God. If you're going to kill somebody with a rope and a candy wrapper, you have to tie the top end of the rope to. We've all learned a lesson today. Yeah, I'm glad. Thank God. If you're going to kill somebody with a rope and a candy wrapper, you have to tie the top end of the rope to your finger and throw it down her throat and then you can just pull it up real quick. Why didn't you fucking shoot her?

Why didn't you break her neck? That's obviously murder! That's why you got caught anyway. When I was in middle school, I was a bathroom monitor. You murdered a boy. Okay, hold on. You were the bathroom monitor. I was a bathroom monitor. You murdered a boy. Okay, hold on. You were the bathroom monitor. I was the bathroom monitor.

This is really where they thought your wife was going. I got a C in bathroom monitor. But what we used to do is we'd tie micromachines and stuff to rope and we'd flush it down the toilet and pull it out. We knew that we needed to do that with toilets. This guy should have known to do that with this old woman I was thinking like she was she's special needs she's probably cuz the first thing I'm thinking of when I think of that shit is me in a mind state of you know being not as smart as I am

cuz I'm smart as fuck I read books you. I'm like, oh, I'm going to put this rope in my mouth. It's going to come in my... It's going to go... Oh, it's going to come in my mouth. What's going to come in your throat? It's going to go into my mouth. It's going to go all through the intestines, out my butt. And then I can have it in my mouth, out my butt at the same time.

Trying to floss yourself. That's a fun party trick to make friends. Oh, absolutely, man. I'd definitely book you. Well, this rope... That is true. Sort of a colonic to floss yourself. That's a fun party trick to make friends. Oh, absolutely, man. I'd definitely book you. Well, this rope. That is true. Sort of a colonic to some degree. This rope is similar to that used as drawstring pants or a hooded top.

Oh, so it's like a shoelace. Yeah, well, it's a bit thicker than a shoelace. Oh, it's fine. This chick should have lived. If she wasn't so old, everything would be fine and no one would be talking about it. Yeah, she would have just shat it out. It's the candy wrapper that got her, I think. All that plastic. I really wish that you were working on this case

and you cracked it to all the detectives who had already solved it like 78 hours before. I refused to investigate anything that I think that someone didn't deserve. You just sit there with no shirt on with your policeman's hat to the side just being like, It's not murder!

The gay rapper did it. All right, last story. A former middle school principal who lost his job over a drug arrest went on a rampage Friday. God, this guy looks like my Uncle Louie. Stabbing several people, killing at least two, and then drove his car into a crowded porch. Anthony Giancola, 45, apparently told his mother before the carnage that he was going to, quote,

kill all the drug dealers. Did he do it? Then, covered in blood, Giancola again phoned his mother saying that she'd be very proud of him because he just killed ten drug dealers. How many did he kill? Two. That's bullshit.

This guy was on drugs. There were 11 victims. It's in Florida, naturally. Thank God. Where is this place? Lealman, Florida? I've never heard of it. Lealman? I love those words that you can't say without sounding like a dirty, dirty redneck.

Lealman. Where all the real men are. Lealman. It's 20 miles west of Tampa. Oh. It can't be west of Tampa. That'd be the middle of the Gulf. That's probably where our family lives.

Yeah, it's in the ocean. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he went. Authorities say that's when Giancola at 11 a.m. went to a halfway house for the hearing impaired where officials said he stabbed four people killing a man and a woman. Did he sneak up on them?

So he killed a bunch of deaf people, but he thought they were drug dealers? Yeah, he killed two... Well, it was but he thought they were drug dealers? Yeah, he killed two deaf... Well, it was a halfway house, so they weren't criminals, but they were also deaf. I mean, if I was deaf, I'd end up in a halfway house for sure. There's just no question about it. I'd do so many drugs. Absolutely, you would.

I mean, like, no one agrees with me? No, everyone agrees with you. You do so many drugs. I just feel like I'd require a love of fine art and just be content with my limited world. I mean, is it easier? What's easier to kill, a deaf person, a blind person, or a dumb person? Deaf. Dumb. Blind. Dumb.

You can talk them into killing themselves. No, I'm saying deaf, blind. Wait, if you're deaf and blind, you're dumb, right? No, that's not true anymore. Yeah. Yeah, no, I mean, I'm saying deaf, blind... If you're deaf and blind, you're dumb, right? No, that's not true anymore. Yeah, dumb has to do with the brain. Yeah. And a deaf person could easily fucking be real good at martial arts. They can see you.

But if a deaf person is asleep, right? You could wrap a plastic sack around an asleep deaf person. What's a blind person going to do? Play piano at me? What are we talking about? That's a powerful way to lull you into sleep and into affection for them. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Why would I steal somebody?

They can play a song so beautiful that I fucking stop my murder fantasies. That's not happening anytime soon. You'll start to cry. I mean, that's the thing. That's the power of music. Adele's recent song just brought a small child out of a coma, which is a true story. Speaking of small children, as this

guy was driving away... No, it was Adele's song. It was an Adele song, yeah. But, as this guy was driving away, he hit a 13-year-old boy on a bike. How's the kid doing? Is he alright? Oh, he's fine. Minor injuries. Well, you can't be blind riding a bike. Kids are strong, man. You can throw them against the wall.

Nothing will even happen to them. Yeah, that's more of like a 10 points type thing. You hit him and went, 10 points? I just feel like, why didn't he just kill young drug dealers that are still dealing drugs? I think that's really hard to do. You just go down the street. You find someone loitering on the side of the road. You kill them.

You probably killed a drug dealer. That's right, Jackie. Good job. Or they're waiting for the bus. They're 70 years old and retarded choking on a fucking... In Florida, that's the way it is. You find someone on the street, most likely a drug dealer. Or they're walking.

Fuck them. What are you talking about? Nobody walks in Florida. You know that. You drive everywhere. I remember as a kid one time, my father hit this kid on a bike while I was in the car with him. The only time Eddie ever drove in a car with his father.

And that was when his father dropped him off at his mother's house. My dad literally peeked his head out the window and said, Are you all right? And the kid's like, Yeah. And he's like, All right, good. You're fine. Yeah, I think it would be easier to kill a blind person than a deaf person, though. That's my personal stance on it.

Yeah, blind person, definitely the easiest to kill. I think blind people want to live more than deaf people. You think so? Yeah. The thing is, deaf people still see shadows. Would you rather be... I think blind people think about this, right? Because I have a fantasy about having sex with a blind woman.

Only because of how tactile they are. Because you can? Tactile? No. Yeah, tactile. Tactile? But Henry... The sense of touch.

Yeah, blind people base beauty upon touch. You imagine how disgusting they think you would be. Or how hard they could hurt you and the pressure points. I don't know. Let's think also if she had some kind of reptile fetish or something. I mean, you never know. Yeah, yeah they could hurt you and the pressure points. I don't know. That's the thing also if she had some kind of reptile fetish or something. I mean, you never know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With these blinds. No way. I heard the blind

like to fuck pillows. And now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Just saying, you want to fuck a... People actually like the segments? No, no, no. Earlier, whenever I told you... Whenever I hear that, I'm like, oh, this is when everyone turns it off. The blind thing was fine, though.

It's pretty funny. It's for the audience right now. Q&A with the audience. If you come up here, we'll give you some alcoholic whipped cream. Ask us a question. Any question will do. I would say you have to have The alcoholic whipped cream

To ask the question Right? Absolutely If you want to Yeah I mean basically We just need anyone To talk to us

Yeah yeah So please A question Anyone What's up Clyde of course Clyde's got one Why did he abuse

The little power He's given me We have all the power In the world man Do I have to eat this first? No no Afterwards Afterwards Afterwards, afterwards

It doesn't matter I really fucked with my head, man Yeah I don't feel good Yeah, I do not feel good Alright, come on Come on down So, Holden, did you really fuck your mom?

What's, uh Alright That's a dumb question Of course he did Yeah, absolutely Turn that microphone back around We're giving it feedback Turn it on

Alright, uh Love is a special thing. I'm not going to go into the night. It was prom night. I dropped my date off early because she was being like, give me some weed to booze. I need some weed. I was like, you're going home. I came home.

Mom was like, how was prom? I was like, I'm fucking hard as baloney right now for your fucking face. Baloney is really hard. Old baloney. Old baloney. You wiggle a lot, actually. Baloney is pretty stiff. Exactly.

Well, yeah, when I get hard, I get soft. And when I'm soft, I'm hard. It's a weird kind of thing. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense at all. Then I became one with her essence, and that was that. I mean, she gave me some champagne, a little bit of milk. That's really nice. Yeah, absolutely. A little boo-boo juice. A little boo-boo juice.

A little boo-boo juice. I actually mowed the lawn with her, like, fucking me on me. You know, it was just like walking out. Those good old riding lawnmowers. John Deere. Yeah, exactly. Holden, if you could describe your mother's pussy in five words or less, how would you do it? Um, It's kind of like

the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland. Too many words! Start again! Okay. Dream. One. Bashful. Two. Clarity. Three. Wow!

Serpent. Four. And, um, fucking want to cum. Cum is what? Brown. Five. All right, next question. Who's got the next question? Yeah, former member of the Chuckle Hut.

How you doing, buddy? Dave. Dave. It is, I am really curious to know, round table, what is your favorite book? Yeah, take a guess! My favorite book is Rodney Dangerfield's autobiography That's my favorite book

He's currently trying to relive page 33 right now That means I jerk off into an old man's mouth. My favorite book? The Field Guide to Demons. My favorite book is Rabbit Run by John Updike. I'm being...

Tell us more about Mommy. Yeah, what? What is this fucking... You don't read. Kevin's the smartest one on this fucking podcast. Kevin's favorite book is The Instructions to Warcraft. Listen, nigga, I told you I don't read Warcraft, man. Last thing I read is a book called Nigger by Randall Kennedy.

That's not supposed to say the end. Really? It was one of my least favorite books. What's the book called again? Nigger. It's funny you to say the end. Really? It's one of my books. What's the book called again? Nigger. It's funny you mention that, Kevin. One of my least favorite books. One of my least favorite books, but one of my favorite words.

It's like Tigger, but racist, right? Is Tigger racist to you, Kevin? Like the character Tigger? Tigger's not racist. I mean, he's obviously doing crack and jumping around everywhere. Oh, my God. You made that jumping around everywhere. You made that up. You made that up. I'm just saying it's offensive to me.

You should start calling him Tigger. Give me a Tigger. Ben, we've got to move this along. What have we got? My favorite book is Confederacy of Dunces. It's a fantastic book. It's also the only one I've ever read. I would say I laughed.

It was uproarious. And I just really enjoyed the words. Jackie, what's your favorite book? All the character descriptions. As much as I say about, I like Beloved by Toni Morrison. Because I love thinking about, like, she got hit so hard there was a cherry tree on her back. Damn! What's your favorite book, Henry?

My favorite book is Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut. I actually read that. It's all right. Wide open beaver. It's one of, like, the seven books I've read. He's done good. For today. For today.

That's good. Any other questions? Questions, please. Yes! Big old titty. Our fans are fucking so hot. What? You can't say...

All right, so I know you guys have known each other for years. I want you to tell me the worst secret you know about the person next to you. I'll tell you one thing. Henry Zebrowski has a huge penis. I've seen it, and it is massive. That is the worst secret about him. That is not true. I know a secret I'm not allowed to talk about.

It happened by a dumpster, and it involved a dick and another man. That's all worst secret about him. That is not true. I know a secret I'm not allowed to talk about. It happened by a dumpster and it involved a dick and another man. That's all I can say. Kevin got his dick grabbed by a dude. Got his dick grabbed. Kevin is secretly white. Talk about it. That's actually true. The fucking, all right, this is what happened.

We made him talk about it. No, man. It was like four in the morning. I was out of my mind. Just hammered. Right? We made him talk about it No man It was like Four in the morning I was out of my mind Just hammered Right I'm walking

I pass by this bubble tea spot There's this fine ass Asian girl Always at the bubble tea spot It's for the Asian girls Just post it up Just post it up I was walking by this bubble tea

Bubble tea spot This Polish gal Very attractive So she's posted up by the bubble tea spot. Hey, motherfucker, you horny? She didn't sound like that, Ed. You are bubble tea? Why are you...

American Asian, for fuck's sake. Asian people are just characters. Either way, I pass by this spot. There's this hot-ass girl, and there's a dude standing near her, but just looking at the sky. And she's like, hey, what's up? And I come over there, and I start talking to her. We start for like 20 minutes.

Out of nowhere, she's like, how big is your dick? I'm like, I don't know. And she grabs it. And I was like, alright. And then she's like, hey. Then she's like, hey, walk with me for a little bit. I'm like, all right. And we go by this shadowy spot by this dumpster. And she just starts giving me a handjob in the street. I'm like, this is kind of cool.

And that's how it happened. And then all of a sudden, I look up and the fucking dude is standing right there. And then she's like, hey, check out how great this dick is. She didn't say big. She didn't say long. None of that. She just said great. Just straight up phenomenal dick.

And he was like, oh, wow. And then he grabbed it. Oh, wow. Oh, wow, man. He's a nice kid. Like it was a baby Ruth. It's like a month ago. It's like three weeks ago. as bumpy as a baby Ruth.

As soon as I leave town. All right, guys. We got time for one more question. Come on up here, you big fucker. Big old tits on this dude. Hell yeah. Thanks. Like firm tits, though.

Robbie Collier. Question. Even if you knew it would make you eat somebody, would you guys do bath salts? If you knew right now. If I knew that it made you eat somebody, would you guys do bath salts? If you knew right now. If I knew that it made me eat somebody, I would definitely do bath salts. I think if I knew I was about to die, I'd probably go out and bath salts. Why not?

I like, honestly, to be, to be complete, I really want to do it. Me too, man. I really like, I totally, it's like, I feel like it's a personal challenge. Yeah, see, this is my deal. I would not want to do it, but I'm sure that they would end up sneaking it into my system. I would make them do it. I would make you do it. I would love to.

The only reason I want to do bath salts is because every time I do a hard drug, I just try to act sober. Yeah. Every time I do, I would love to just try to act sober on bath salts. I'm good! All right, ship, ship. Give him his license. One more question.

One more. Any of you girls got something? Any Jews want to ask a question? Right here, right here. This is a special guest coming all the way from Connecticut. Connecticut? Goddamn. Goddamn. Now you've listened To every episode

Probably Wow I love it Talk real close What's your name Liz Alright Liz What's your question

So if you guys Were to dress and drag Who would be your Persona Or name Ooh I haven't thought About it too long

I would dress like Cher But call myself Bear I mean I think Mine's completely obvious I dress like Cher, but call myself Bear. I mean, I think mine's completely obvious. I'd dress like my fucking mom. Fuck myself. I'd bend my dick back into my asshole, and I'd fuck myself. I'd probably dress like Beyonce, because I hate her, and I want to make her look terrible.

I did do, I had a drag character I did for a long time named Delia Montgomery, who was an aging starlet. And I just think that's my spirit animal? Give us the line from the sketch. You want to hit me, Jerry? You want to hit me, Jerry? What was the other? You want to hit me, you want to fuck me. You want to fuck me, you want to hit me.

You want to fuck me, fuck me, fuck me. You want to fuck me, you want to hit me. You want to fuck me. Fuck me, Jerry. Oh, how I love the Japanese. And they love fish, and I love them. Ah, Hiroshima. Oh, if a chick fucking said Hiroshima when I came, I'd be so proud and confident. God, I would love it. What giant bitch are you, Ben?

Oh, man. Oh, I don't know. What's the rule? You gotta go with the... I feel like you're definitely the chick from Pink Flamingos. Yeah, yeah. Divide. I'm a chick in drag. That's the only thing you'd possibly

be able to be. The Statue of Liberty. He's so tall. The fucking tall man loves it. Are you Lisa Leslie dipped in bleach? That's actually a good one. I'll take it. I'll be Cheryl Swoops, but with nuts smaller than her own.

Texas Tech University. I want to be in the WNBA. She's a beautiful woman. Jackie, if you were a man? I mean, I would probably be black if I were a man. Why is that? I just feel it in my spirit animal. Right, Henry?

So, Cedric the Entertainer? No, what you talking about, Willis? What's his name? Short, ugly... Oh, Gary Coleman? Yeah. Right? Everybody loves me. What you talking about, Willis? I almost said

she was a Danny DeVito type. Oh, come on. Marcus, what are you talking about, Willis? I almost said she was a Danny DeVito type. No, come on. Marcus, what are you doing, Marcus? Supergirl. Supergirl? Supergirl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who is Supergirl?

Well, I've already done it before. It's all I have. What do you mean you've done Supergirl? I mean, I've been Supergirl for Halloween like three times. Three times? I was Indiana Jones three times, but that's awesome. Well, you know, I look really good as a woman. I mean, you look like a woman, but let's keep it at that.

Yeah, I look like... He does look good as a woman. But yeah, the first time I did it in New York, I was working at Midtown Comics and there was a guy there who came in, a big regular customer, real creepy.

Came in your ass. Real creepy motherfucker. He used to always come in and he walked in. I like your tiny tits. Well, no, I used to always... I would put in these huge fucking fake tits. And, I don't know. I used to always, like, I would put in these huge fucking fake tits.

And the guy walked in. And, like, he walked into the store and I looked at him and he looked at me. He was the biggest Supergirl fan in the world. And I looked at him and I go, hey, Sailor. And he turned right around, walked out, never

came back to Midtown Comics ever again. Yeah, that's where they keep Marcus around. He probably peed off in the street right outside. Three steps out that door, man. All right, and we gotta end this shit. All right, everyone, thank you so much for coming out. Thank you, everyone. Thank you so much.

Thank you for being here, Henry. Oh, now I go back to China. Oh! Send him back to China! Thank you, Clyde. Thank you, Vivian. Thank you, Connecticut. Clyde and everybody who asked Liz, thanks so much for coming out there.

Hail Satan! Liz, right? Yeah. Hail Satan! Satan is king! Hail Satan! RuPaul, by the way, is who I want to be. The first person I ever jacked off to

is Rupaul oh god that explains I'm sorry by the money that I lost Logan I lost that was bad