The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 104: Goodbye Bologna

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

This week on the Round Table: a man gets mauled by a chimp named Cozy, Russian Roulette takes the life of a Florida teenager, and a Swedish doctor cuts off his wife's bottom lip and eats it, plus we got Jermaine Fowler, Kelly Fastuca, and Henry Zebrowski joining us.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen.

Always civility. No, man, it's nice. Keep it cool. Keep civility. No, man, it's nice. Keep it cool. Keep it cool. Alright, Abe Beelzebub, thank you so much for gathering all of us round-tablers here together. We got some great sweet tits in the room, some nice sweaty vaginas, some good

sweaty ball sacks, and some hard cocks. So I want to thank you all for that. And I'm happy as hell to see all of my wonderful friends, and thank God you made them all fat so they would hang out with me. All right. In your tits we pray. Amen.

Welcome to the roundtable, everybody. Who is here? Who is here? Who is everybody here? Jackie Zabrowski, I am sweat. Ed Larson, I am wet from being next to Jackie. Yeah, wet, wet, wet. Holder McNally, what the butt? Ed Larson. I am wet from being next to Jackie. Oh, yeah. Wet, wet. Hold him, McNeely.

What? The butt. Oh, God. Get him out of here. That's right, man. Kevin Barnett, again, here. There you are. Still unhappy to be sitting next to Holden.

You do have the worst seat in the house. Yo, yo, yo, he's soft. Come on. What are you talking about? Whatever you're sad, Kevin, look left. I'm here, buddy. This pretty little mud-bearded man. When I turn my neck, he saw. Come on! What are you talking about? Whatever you're sad, Kevin, look left. I'm here, buddy. This pretty little mud-bearded man. When I turn my neck, it hurts. Strain, look at you.

Everything hurts with him. Alright, speaking of fucking beautiful, fat-titted people, we got Jermaine Fowler. Thanks for being here, buddy. Thanks for having me, Benny. No problem, Jermaine. Henry Zabrowski? Yeah, yeah! Back from the depths!

Henry, where were you you What depths were you at I was in New Mexico Oh well welcome back What was your favorite experience that occurred in New Mexico I beat a Native American woman to death Well That was the thing She has magic trinkets

And I was like I need a burger So I traded a bunch of has magic trinkets. And I was like, I need a burger. So I traded a bunch of her magic trinkets for burgers. Were they just quarters? And you called them magic trinkets? Okay, so you beat a woman for four quarters. That's great. Speaking of women, Kelly Fastuka. Kelly Fastuka is here. Thanks for being here. Oh, hey everybody.

When you were talking about tits before, you just looked at me, Jackie, and Henry all at the same time. We all have the same size tits. It is tit corner. I love it. Tit corner. He's got some nice little titties.

I love it. And you're from Australia? Yeah. So that's kind of bizarre. Do you have butts on your chest and tits on your butt? Yeah. It's backwards. Kind of fun.

It's backwards. Oh, come on. That's kind of fun. All right. I'm Ben Kissel. With us as always Newsman Marcus Parks Marcus, what do you got, buddy?

Well, what I have is something from Jackie Zebrowski Up top Jackie, what do you got for us? Just so everybody knows Today is Ed Larson's last podcast For the next few months Yeah! This room is going to smell great!

He's going to go be a big fucking star. I'm getting out of this fucking place! And we just wanted to let you know, just up top, that we're going to miss you, but we have replaced you, and it is with something that is actually behind Jermaine. Jermaine, can you grab that bag behind you, please?

Oh, man. Tacos? No, it's not tacos. I thought, especially as I sit next to Ed Larson, and we've said before that he smells like bologna, so I got him a pound of bologna. One pound of belly cut bologna!

It's a half pound of American cheese to go with it. Nothing's fucking disgusting. Now the room doubles up. We're going to smell like baloney. Don't open it! It smells awful. I can't help that they bought this for me.

Everyone is a winner and he's a cannibal for eating that fucking baloney. I just want to know that everyone that we are going to sweat through this podcast while we eat some motherfucking baloney. Eat this in remembrance of me. Yeah. I love bologna.

Fat Jesus. Henry. I've never had bologna. Can I have some? Absolutely. Eddie, give Kelly some bologna. I'll give you some. God knows. She needs more meat in her mouth. This is the good bologna that doesn't have the plastic ring. I don't want your bologna. Jackie, couldn't you have gotten a nice salami or a deli cut

ham? No. Henry needs more. There we go, buddy. You already grabbed two slices. I literally want to vomit. Oh, I want to vomit. What are you talking about? Bologna is amazing, just like Ed Lawrence. No, in this kind of heat, looking at the fucking godfather of bologna is disgusting.

This is like he's giving up his first board. Every week, I think that we should have a pound of bologna in here. We should break the bologna. Marcus, your face looks like you just smelled a pussy that was in a 6th grade boy's locker for 7 months. What is going on in your mind? You guys, that smelled well. It reminds me of that time I got molested on that

camping trip. I think I just bit into a bone. No, you can make a wish now. Every time you bite into a piece of crystal bologna, you get three wishes. I feel like that's not bad. I feel like that's what Ed's dandruff looks like.

Let me just meat. I shed meat out of my head. Yes, you do. Kelly, that was your first experience with bologna. What did you think? It was good. Why did you put it away? Do you want more?

Yeah, leave it out. I laid the trees out. God damn, we're not savages. Feed off. I just thought it stuck. Ed, where are you going? Where are you going, Ed? Why are you leaving us?

Where are you going? There you go, sweetheart. All right, give it to this Australian prod here. She loves this bologna. What I love about a pound of bologna is that it's so thin and made of nothing that there's so much bologna. It is made of everything. That's the thing.

It's made of sawdust, nails, anything that a Polish immigrant has in his hand at any time. I really appreciate the deli platter you guys got for the show today. Oh my god. I am going to be sweating some meats. You always sweat meats, Eddie. You're the only dude who sweats in cubes. Alright, let's get to some news here. A Florida teenager has died after shooting himself in the head

during a game of Russian roulette with three friends. Yeah! Well, he died and he also won. Yeah, yeah. Thorin Montgomery, 17, was the first to hold a loaded.38 caliber handgun to his head and pull the trigger.

The teenager collapsed in front of his horrified friends who called paramedics. The boy was from, let me ask you guys if you know where this is, Largo, Florida. Oh yeah, Largo. That's close to our hometown, actually. Really? Yeah, Largo. Is Largo an exciting place to live? Is there a

cinema or is there a supermarket? The truth is that it's one of the biggest population of KKK members in the entire country. Oh. So maybe. So yeah, this guy's. Yeah.

Fuck this guy. Glad he's dead. Does he have potential to be in the Klan, Marcus? Okay. He might have potential to be in the Klan if everyone would look to the brand new screen that we have here. We are stepping up our game at the round table. I'm going to show you guys a picture of this fella.

What do you think? Fuck you. Oh, wow. He this fella. What do you think? Fuck you! Oh, wow. He looks like... He is a blonde. That's me to say, Jermaine. Jesus Christ. Kevin, give us a description of this man.

He looks like a dude who hates niggas. That's what he is. It makes perfect sense that he died this way. He has nigga-hating sunglasses, nigga-hating hoodie. He looks like a dude who hates niggas. That's what he looks like. It makes perfect sense that he died in his weight. He has nigga-hating sunglasses, nigga-hating hoodie. He looks like a Russian roulette victim. Russian roulette's over when the guy dies and you just finish. No, no, you gotta keep playing until everybody's dead. Everybody's gonna die.

Well, the news story does give you a helpful description. Russian roulette is a lethal game of chance in which a player places a single round in the revolver, spins the cylinder, places the muzzle against his or her head, and pulls the trigger. The game originated in Russia and featured in one of the most

famous scenes in cinema history in the film The Deer Hunter. Okay, so they make it sound cool and then they give you a detailed instruction on how to play the game. Genius writing in this article. That is the Daily Mail. It's like my dare class and he taught me what the pills

look like that were the fun ones to take. Exactly. Well, you don't want to take this one. You're going to trip for days and see wolves everywhere. Okay. That guy kind of looked like Shannon Moon from Blind Melon with that long blonde hair. That would be Shannon. But fat and worthless. Hoon. Oh, is it Chen and Hoon? Yeah, it's Hoon. I'm sorry. I had no

idea. Did you know that he sang backups on Don't Cry from Guns N' Roses? Isn't that something? Yeah, isn't it though? What were you going to say, Jermaine? He looks like Thor, but his name's Thorin. Thorin Montgomery. I thought he'd take a bullet to the head. He'd bash his head in with a hammer.

I would have been more fit. I don't know what been more entertaining for everybody Exactly That is the best game of Russian Roulette Three people in a corner You just hand them a fucking hammer I like it Fuck Russian Roulette

We should call it Texan Roulette You have to hit yourself with a hammer The first one to die loses And or wins It is estimated that up to 10 people a year die from playing the risky game. 10? That's it? Only 10?

Only 10? That's in Largo, Florida. Yeah. Alone. Now, that was a guy whenever I was growing up, we died from Russian roulette in our town. How bored do you have to be if these kids got Xbox probably? Just jack off. Right?

You know what I'm talking about. Jack off and call of duty. And the horrible thing, he was playing the game, it was only two people, it was just him and his girlfriend. Oh my god. She fucking murdered him. That's amazing. She's been worse than he killed him.

She's been buying him McNuggets for years. I just want to see the OkCupid website that they both found for each other. Likes Russian roulette. Likes Russian roulette. Let's date. I have a question for the table. What is sadder, playing Russian roulette or playing ookie cookie? I was thinking about that.

Ookie cookie is the one where everybody jerks off on the cookie and the last dude who comes eats it. I've heard of waffles, but not cookies. Yeah, I mean, there's a ton of names for that. You can do whatever you come on. What do you call it? You just call it waffles? No, no, you're going to call it waffles. You call it the breakfast game, yeah.

It's probably called Awful Waffle. I thought Awful Waffle was when you hit a fat guy with a tennis racket while you were eating his ass. That's true, too. waffles when you hit a fat guy with a tennis record while you're eating his ass. That's true, too. I think if I had to play one of those games, Sticky Starfruit, I think cum on a starfruit would taste pretty tasty.

It wouldn't be bad. It's a good glaze. If you have some sort of acid, some citrus with it, that probably cuts the taste of the cum. I'm thinking you'd put cum on the bologna, because it would taste no different. Cum on the bologna. I am feeling PP and J

where you just pee in a bunch of peanut butter and eat it with a spoon. That's not really a game. You've got to start up a restaurant, Henry. It's not a game at all. It's a great game. Wait, so Russian Roulette, do you have to use a revolver? You have to use a revolver?

Well, no, you're not going to use a clip. That's what I was thinking. And these guys were using a Saturday night special, which I think is the best gun to use. Picture. You don't know? Snub nose. Real quick, while Marcus is

pulling this up, the chick just murdered her boyfriend and then he shot himself. That's a great way to get your idiot boyfriend dead. I think it's awesome. He chick just murdered her boyfriend and then shot himself. That's a great way to get your idiot boyfriend dead. I think it's awesome. He's like, no, you look stupid. I believe you. Yeah. There you go.

That's 38 special. Yeah, me too, man. I want to get an ankle gun. I want to wear an ankle holster. Like a bitch? He wants to dress like those old southern ladies on riverboats. With an anklet.

Oh, I do declare, Mr. Ball. It's like, excuse me, sir, will you leave the Walmart? I have a story from Walmart. Yes! Segway of the day! And a double story. It is also this week's, in honor of Eddie's last week, pedophile corner.

Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Squirt. A sex offender. Dude, all right. All right.

This guy totally looks like me. That's fucked up. Yeah, it does. Is this actually why you're leaving the round table? Were you arrested? I'll pull up the picture after I've read the headline. Is this actually why you're leaving the round table? Were you arrested? I'll pull up the picture after I've read the headline. A sex offender and his girlfriend were arrested on Wednesday after a cell phone laden with child porn images was left in a Walmart shopping cart.

The phone allegedly belonged to Alan Robert Johnson, 33, convicted in 2003 of possessing and transporting child pornography and his partner Jennifer Sparks, 37. The phone was found by a customer on June 2nd. Look at these fucking people.

Oh, wow! Eddie, you found your father! Turns out he does love kids. Both of you. She's got eyes that go two separate ways. I have never seen it. That is seriously me and Jackie in an alternate universe.

Jesus Christ. The Bizarro. What a deal. Bizarro, Jackie, and Eddie. I mean, if my girlfriend looked like that, I'd jack off to kids too. Just get a little youth in my life. Are you kidding me? You just got to find a bunch of fat kids.

Just take a picture of fat kids, make them feel loved. That's all they're doing, man. It's like a Michael Jackson thing. Don't want to look at fat kids, you know? Oh, I want to see their belly shake. Oh, my God. I've never heard of child porn, though. I've never heard of a kid posing.

You've never heard of child porn? I've never seen it. That's how you got your break. Of course you haven't seen it. It's highly fucking illegal. But no one, no one, no kid. I've never heard of like, this is such a thing as like actual child porn. Yes, man.

Jimmy, what are you talking? Do not Google child porn, Marcus. I'm not going to Google child porn. We've already got all the fucking flags list that we can get on. Kids in bikinis, maybe? You know what, actually, Jermaine, I'll give you a description right now of the type of child porn they had on their phone. At the couple's North Fort Myers home, officers also... What was at their other house?

Their summer house? Yes. Their summer home in Niax and all their, like, dead black people. Summer home in Niax and all their dead black people. Officers found pictures and videos of the pair molesting and having oral sex with a four-year-old girl. Oh, so it's their porn. Come on. It's theirs. It's homegrown.

Man, it's not even naked kids. It's like actually doing the deed. I was going to make a joke about it, but I'm like, oh, four years old? Fuck, I'm going to get my mouth shut. It's fine. Keep it open. Have you like, oh, four years old? Fuck, I'm going to get my mouth shut. It's fine. Keep it open. Have you listened to an episode of this show? Huh?

Have you listened to an episode? Yeah. Okay. No, it's fine. Oh, I'm in it. We're fine. The most upsetting thing to me is lazy filmmaking. You're fucking recording this shit on your phone?

Get a camera. Get a camera. What is wrong with you? I put out some lights. It's a four-year-old. You really? Make it feel like a star. I will say, if I'm a four-year-old, I'd rather be that four-year-old than a toddler in tiaras.

You know, at least this chick, you know, gets that sweet action. She's getting eaten out. Well, they're also idiots because the evidence on them all the time. It's a camera phone on the phone. You know what I mean? Well, I think it's so they can jerk on the go. Okay. Okay.

That's so stupid because I only keep my most important photos on my phone. But keep it on your fucking desktop where no one else is going to find it. But they put it on their phone. Keep your child porn on your desktop. I would just say once you get into the studio, just stop and turn around. Just don't do it. I think it's the best way to keep the photos. Oh, just don't have kids.

Just don't. Don't fuck kids. Yeah, just stop fucking kids. At least don't take pictures of it. Yeah, just do't have kids. Just don't. Don't fuck kids. Yeah, just stop fucking kids. At least don't take pictures of it. Yeah, just do it for the experience. Why does everyone got to be so obsessed with recording memories? Because it might not happen again. When's the next time you're going to fuck a four-year-old kid again, you know?

So maybe they just wanted to... Was the four-year-old into it, though? Well, the Lee County Sheriff Mike Scott told WinkNews.com... WinkNews broke this story told WinkNews.com. WinkNews broke this story. WinkNews.com. It's the truth. It's a child porn site.

They sexually abused her in every way imaginable. All right. It's so disgusting. Well, how far are the imaginations going? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, and by the way, this is another Florida story. imagination's going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, and by the way, this is another Florida story.

Hey, my other question is, is that you ever heard of like little like, like parents describing their children as flirts? Yeah. You know what I mean? It makes my skin crawl.

It makes my skin crawl. But these like, this is what, you know, they probably said something like that. It's what Sandesky said about like this seducer complex. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The kids were like coming on to him. That's what he said. The kids just wanted a father. Yeah, the kids just wanted to, yeah. That's what he said. The kids just wanted a father. The kids just wanted to... She wanted to fuck. I've turned on a bunch of dudes. Yeah, you've turned on a lot of dudes.

That's usually what happens when you wear a thong and offer handjobs for free. I've had a couple of attempted date rapes myself. I'm not lying. It's because you're gay. Look, I walked up on Jermaine on Friday. He was standing outside his show, and he's on the phone. And literally, the first thing I hear when he's on the phone is,

Yeah, I'm going to see Magic Mike with you. It looks good. Unbelievable. No. Unbelievable. How you avoided not being captured on somebody's cell phone sucking a dick at four is really remarkable. It looks good to me. My girlfriend wanted to see it, and I don't mind seeing it.

Oh, yeah, throw that out there. Where's Elena? Elena wanted to see it, Jackie. My girlfriend. I've got a girlfriend. She exists. I blow her up. I have a girlfriend.

I blow her up every morning. I promise you. She's real. Marcus, when were you date raped? What's that? You were date raped? You just dropped this? Yeah, you brushed over it. Well, I was, well, I was saying

close to being date raped. He was date raped by a woman. We talked about that. I was date raped. I was date raped twice. By women, date raped twice. And also attempted date rape another two times. Did you rape that? A woman tried to date rape me. I just ended up farting a bunch probably.

It just sounds like a dude. Did you rape that? When a woman tried to date rape me, I just ended up farting a bunch probably. Honestly. It just sounds like a dude. You need to do, that's the perfect self-defense. If you're ever getting raped, ladies, just start farting a bunch. What do skunks do? What the fuck? An attempted date rape by a man just sounds like a gay guy just got you really drunk. Yeah.

That sounds kind of nice. Henry, that's what date rape is. Oh, but that kind of... But on somebody else's dime? Yeah, but getting really drunk and then trying to fuck you. No, date rape is when you fuck you. Well, I mean, that's why I said attempted. They attempted date rape is just hanging out with a guy with a great bankroll.

Well, I mean, whenever they bring you back to their house and... Did you let him buy you dinner? Did you let him buy you dinner? Did you let him buy you drinks? I let him buy me quite a few drinks, both of them. You gotta blow the dude, Marcus. I'm not gonna blow the bitch. That's fine. Why are you gonna be so hard to get? Jesus, just give it away free. Oh, Kelly, like

you didn't ever flirt with a dude to get some free drinks. No, never. I got some free drinks for you, Kelly. Are you serious? Of course she has. Look at her. You're a girl. See you in a date rape? No, never. I got some free drinks for you, Kelly. Are you serious? Of course she has. Look at her. Have you seen a date raped flight game? No, I was date raped

twice by girls. They were both fat chicks. Yeah, I would say I almost date raped someone. I mean, they eventually give in, though. That's the best part.

Then it's not rape anymore. It's still a little... I mean, it's fine. No, it's not. If it was a dude, I would feel very... Of course, my butt would be very sore. But at the same time, you knew what he was doing. You kept drinking the drinks.

It's not like he drugged you. Yeah. No, it came close, but I knew what he was doing. You were asking for it. So, all right, Kelly. We're not talking about how you found your last husband. So what did he do? How did you know that he wanted to go in and give you the old grabby

touch with the cum in the mouth? He did give him the grabby touch. Kelly, you have to leave. Kelly? Yeah. Australian timeout, Kelly. Two guys. Yeah, two guys. I think I sat on you. Yeah, like crawled up next to me while I was like sleeping on like the cat.

Like I was staying over at his place. Oh, you were sleeping in his place? Well, I went over. I was staying over at his place. You were sleeping in his house? I needed someplace to stay and I was too drunk to go home. He put your glasses down. He was my friend. You talk about this as if he did something

bad. You were the worst type of person in the world. People like you. That is exactly why I don't buy bitches drinks. That's right. They all turn out to be like Marcus. It's not right. Well I thought like, well the dude knew that I was straight. Like the guy knew. So is Thomas Dale and he tries to sneak any straight man he possibly can.

The guy knew I was straight and had a girlfriend and yet still like I was going to sleep at the end of the night like we'd say. It's not date rape. Well I was, you know, like, going to sleep at the end of the night. Like, we'd stay up, like, having a drink. It's not date rape. Yeah. Well, I was, that's why I said attempted. But, like, at the end of the night, like, I'm sleeping on his couch. And all that there is on the couch is, like, a piece of cloth for a blanket.

And it was cold. I'm like, hey, man, like, do you have another blanket? It's, you know, it's kind of cold over here. And so he comes over with a blanket and then puts a blanket on me and then lays down next to me. And I'm fucked up and I'm just like, I don't know what to do. Everything you said to him is exactly what you say if you want somebody to fuck you, but you're not trying to say it in those exact words. What is wrong with you, man? That's not a story of date rape. That's a story of how you're a fucking asshole.

All right, all right. Let's move on. Wait, wait, no. You fuck you? No. Jackie, so what happened when you raped somebody? You came out and you said that...

How do you rape, Jackie? Well, I mean, it was more of one of those things. It was one of those OkCupid dates. And this guy was a real schlub and he wasn't putting out for you? Well, he was definitely

like a real asshole that thought I was not pretty enough for him. So I was like, oh, I'm not pretty enough for you, huh? So I just bought drink after drink after drink. I did it to him. And I was like, Henry, Henry, earmuffs. I'm not like this anymore. I'm not like this anymore. I'm just saying.

And then I was like, you're taking me back to your house because I bought you all those drinks. He's like, ugh. Alright, fine. But the thing was, no, I got back to his house and I just made fun of him. I was like, oh, so I'm too fat for you, huh? And I just like,

pushed him off of the couch and I fucking peaced out. Never talked to him ever again because I didn't want to fuck him. I just wanted to make him feel like an idiot, and I did in front of his roommates, and his roommates laughed at him as I laughed. Yeah! I love you, Jackie. You want me to fucking rape you, and I won't do it, you piece of shit. All right, next news story.

Kevin, this one's for you. A rampaging naked man used, quote, ninja-style moves to repeatedly escape being pinned down by three police officers even after they tasered him. He had gas pellets and shit. He threw smoke bombs and ran up a tree. I saw this video, I think. There's a video, right? Yeah, there's a video. Incredible footage shows the man storming down busy Indianapolis streets, lashing out at anyone who approaches him before the officers catch up with him.

He throws a punch at one policeman before another officer fires the man with a taser gun. The suspect crumbles to the ground, seemingly defeated. But the fight is only beginning. He keeps going. I love it. He gets tasered to fuck and he keeps going. Can we watch the video, seemingly defeated, but the fight is only beginning. He keeps going. He gets tasered to fuck and he keeps going. Can we watch the video, Marcus? Alright, let me pull it up here. You know what? I love

ninja style is the same as like alleged warlock or self-described like romantic where it's just like ninja style just sounds like drunk, like weird copy of ninja. Yeah, yeah, just like ninja style. He just got lucky as fuck.

All right, let's watch this. All right, we're watching this video here. How long is this? You can actually check out the Roundtable of Gentlemen Facebook page to actually see the video. And watch it along with us. What city is this? Look at that.

Indianapolis. Oh, all right. The home that Peyton Manning built. Is he the man holding the camera? He is good. I'm listening to the audio right now. The person holding the camera said, is that guy naked? There he is.

Oh, we got a nudie tootie. He's got a large beard. Look at that white shrimp. Oh, that is ninja style. Whoa, hello. I can't even see him moving. Oh, I'm not fucking with this dude. That's the taser. I can hear the taser

Yeah taser's going off right now He's down And it looks definitely like he's down for the count I think they just were able to taser his beard though It makes it look better He's totally down He's totally getting date raped right now honestly So he's done after this

You know why cops Cops in shorts. Cops should never wear shorts. You lose all respect for them. Absolutely. Especially a white cop like that with those beaming brights. God, I can't wait to watch this guy get kicked in the face. Is he back up? How are people just walking by this scene?

I would walk right by. Yeah, you don't want to see that. Oh, no, I put him back down. This is like the end of Rocky II. He's kicking. Oh, God. They are taped. I swear to God, he tasered his asshole. I think he tried to put that taser in his asshole. This looks like married with children

met the crouching tiger hidden dragon. Oh! Oh! He just did a flip. No, he didn't flip. He would go all the way! For the people at home, he did a flip. No, his back flip. He would go all the way. The people at home, he did a sort of back flip on the ground and then ran away from the cops.

And the crowd is actually going wild. They love him. They love this guy. They love it. He's like a modern day Robin Hood. He's not stealing or giving to the poor or stealing from the rich, but he is naked getting tased. Now they definitely have him. Yeah, they've got him now.

Yeah, it's pretty much over for him. Wow, that was pretty great. He did a great job. I thought he was going to be able to get away. Four dudes were on him. Why was he naked? He was under the influence of drugs. But were they bath salts?

I know the nudity is in there. And by the way, I guess we should give an update with the bath salts with the Miami Zombie. He's completely sober except for a little bit of marijuana. And I understand I get mad when I smoke sometimes, but normally I just watch music videos. Yeah. It's a sound guard that takes care of it for you. Oh, I mean, it's a big sound. We're on break days.

I've regretted eating so many things, you know, stone. Chinese food, a whole bunch of zingers and whatnot, but never a nose. Never just, like, man, I shouldn't have eaten that nose. I feel like such a fat bitch. The funniest thing I've ever done high is just get a mirror and a flashlight

and try to explore my own asshole. What? Essentially it. He found teeth. He found teeth in his asshole. I have patata vendata. That's the thing. I was wondering why I was so goddamn hungry all the time.

I was like, it's supposed to go out. Nothing's supposed to go in. This is a fucking miniature version of your face. Churros just look like little pepperoni slices. I ain't holding Missia for a long time. All right, next story. A respected Swedish professor who sliced off and ate his wife's lip after she asked him for a divorce did it, quote, so she would never kiss again.

Yeah! Right, right, but just cut him off. Do you really have to eat him? That's when you're a psycho. Well, here's why. He claimed the decision to devour his 32-year-old partner's lip was made, quote, spontaneously. This is a good idea. That's always how those things go.

That's what I love, too, on his fucking OKCupid profile. Spontaneous was definitely on there. So, I mean, she was asking for it. At least he didn't... I think a creepier thing than eating it is if he, like, laid it on top of his thumb and made the little, like, hand mouth. I'll never divorce you.

I never. That's what it is. Nailed him onto a potato and gave it eyes. Was the guy stoned at all? No, he wasn't. He was a professor. He was a research at Karloinska Institute. Karloinska.

Only the finest of institutions. Well, he was Iranian. So there's that. Here's... I don't know what that means. She said he was Iranian. So there's that. Here's... I don't know what that is. She said it's all she got. He could have cut off her other... He was studying the lip sciences.

I'm leading this expert on lips in the world. The moment's gone now. I'm going to read... I'm going to read part of this. I'm going to read this guy's confession. Check it out. First, I took a knife, but it wasn't sharp enough. Then I took out a scalpel that one uses in surgery.

I took her lips and cut one off and ate it. I got the idea spontaneously. I thought, I'll get rid of it. I'm a man of science. I'm a man of science. I have a very high IQ. I have the ability to solve problems in a second. Now I know why he got raped. That's a villain, man.

That's a villain. That's a villain. I love him. This is actually just a big advertisement for UCB improv class number two. He should have cooked them lips before he ate them. Yeah. Should have ate them lips. Lips are like oysters, I bet.

This is... Oysters are funny. Okay, here is why he ate them. He does have a very, very clear reason for eating them. Initially, he thought by cutting her lips, she would never be able to kiss again. But then he started to worry doctors may be able to she would never be able to kiss again. But then he started to worry doctors may be able to reattach it. Wow.

So they cut those doctor's lips off or something? Throw them in a garbage disposal. Chop it up a bunch. Yeah, you know, right? So he would chew up the lips. Oh, so he did swallow it. He did swallow it. It's kind of fun because he could literally tell his friends, like, oh, I got a bad case of the lip shits.

You know? Oh, I of the lip shits. You know? Because he's like, oh, I got the lip shits. I mean, that's comedy gold. Lip shits. Come on. He's got them. How many people? He could also have fed it to a bird.

A bird. Smash it with a hammer. He flew in. Smash it with a hammer. That's in. Smash it with a hammer. That's pretty good, actually. Hammer-heavy episode. The tenderizer hammer. The pointy hammer.

That's a good hammer. I like that hammer. You can replace your lips, though. There's plastic surgery for that. She'll be fine with this. What's worse, Jackie? What body part would you rather have cut off? Your clit, your tits, or your lips? I guess definitely my lips. As long as you have t off? Your clit, your tits, or your lips? I mean, I guess definitely my lips. As long as you have tits and a clit, you can still get laid. No one's looking at your lips.

I like fake tits a lot more than I like fake lips. You think so? Have you ever made out with fake lips before? No, nobody has! Maybe they're great. Henry has. I made out with fake lips. How'd it go?

How'd it go? This extra girl in a movie I had to make out with a lips How'd it go? How'd it go, man? This extra girl in a movie I had to make out with a bunch of people on it And she had these huge fake lips And I gotta tell you It feels like making out with a car seat Really? They're very gushy

I didn't realize that fake lips were so popular Is this a new procedure? Or is it like chicks in the 80s would do this? Well, white women, they get collagen implants. Oh, why do they got to be white women? It's true. Because white women have no lips. White people have no confidence.

And it's in Florida. A lot of Florida old people get these collagen implants. In LA, they get these collagen implants on their lips and shit. They look weird as fuck. I hate it. It's the gum. You look bad. Any kind of plastic surgery is the worst.

Do you guys remember Nikki Cox? Yeah. She was so fucking hot. Who was Nikki Cox, Holden? Unhappily, Ever After. Oh, the redhead. Big tits, beautiful chick. She got crazy plastic surgery.

She's married to Jay Moore, and she looks horrible. I used to beat off her all the time back in middle high school. Now I can't anymore because I do the image search and it throws in a new face. I'm trying to fucking do it. The thing about her used to look like. And I want to say, this is the chick

I would jack off to. But then the thing about that movie or that television show, then you hear Bobcat Goldquake's fucking voice. And then you end up getting a boner at a real bizarre time. Here's what she looks like now. Why would she do that? Look at her below that. She's fucking voice. And then you end up getting a boner at a real bizarre time. And here is what she looks like now. Why would she do that? Look at her below that. She's so hot. And then she got all that shit on her face, man.

It's so weird. When you get bigger lips, it seems like there's less... They cover your teeth less, also. She looks like a langolier. So, Kelly, you're kind of an ugly chick. Would you ever think Jesus Is that the popcorn

In the kettle ugly Jesus I am a man It doesn't matter What I look like I also do radio Doesn't it When you got that

Fucking ginger beard You fucking wrangler Jesus Christ I'm not answering my question What implant Would you want the most Right now on your body If you had to get one?

I think I'd get some titties. I used to be an A cup, but then I lost weight and now I'm down to like a C. And it depresses the fuck out of me. You were a C and now you're an A. No, I was an E. Oh, an E! Yeah, but I was a fat piece of shit

though. You had E's. But you know, your face is good. You're going to weigh a fucking four stomachs to nice big titties. Yeah. And then they went down. That's why I choose. That's why I don't lose weight.

I go for thumbs. I want big thumbs. I haven't run for three weeks because I'm like, I want the weight back in my titties. Fuck this shit. That's all I got. You gotta find out what meats you gotta eat to get the titties big. Bologna, bitch. Bologna. I actually bet breads would go to your

with your breasts. Breads go right to the breasts. I've heard that. Yeah. Just go on a day with Holden. You'll run. I just asked, have you guys ever felt fake titties? No, I haven't. I have felt them. Yeah, they're really tough.

You said tennis balls, right? I touched one. Yeah, I've felt fake titties before. A friend of mine got them and I was like, can I feel them? And I gave them a good rub around. That's the funny thing is I feel like chicks who get fake tits, they love for their girlfriends to like feel them up and stuff. Of course.

Why wouldn't you? It's hard though. They don't feel like shmooshy. I was at a wonderful strip club called The Porthole with my friend Kep, and a woman got fresh... No, he knows all about fake tits. He feels them. My every day.

It's where I got these beauties from. I know it. From the doctor. That's great. You don't think I get cast without these, right? I know it. They don't make breasts out of silicone anymore. What is it now?

Blood and guts. Yeah, yeah. Baloney it now? Blood and guts. Baloney. Lips and baloney. So this stripper came over to me. She just got the tits in there and she was real thin and it was bizarre. Same thing with trannies. They ripple. If you're super thin and you don't have any fat

around your body and you just got the cellulite in there. What is it called? Cellulite. Is it cellulite? Cellulite is the shit that's on your ass. What's the name of the fucking thing? Silicone. Silicone. It makes your tits all ripply like an ocean wave and it was really, really bizarre.

I did not like it. Oh, I've seen it in play. If you watch porn of older women, things like that, yeah, you can see that shit. It's awful. You just laugh open the bottom of the titty of older women, things like that. Yeah, you can see that shit. Also, it's awful. They also have to just laugh open the bottom of the titty and just slam it in there.

Now they go through the nipple. Right now they go through the fucking navel. Have you guys ever seen the old Jerry Springer thing of the guy who wanted to be a woman until what he did was he took a bunch of rubber bands around his dick and cinched it around his dick until his dick fell off, and that's how he tried to make himself look kinder.

Did they show a picture of that? What? No, they never showed a picture of it. Because I saw the exact same Jerry Springer thing but with the guy who didn't want his legs and so then he did the rubber band thing. Oh yeah, and he cinched his legs like real hard. Is that real? Yeah.

Yeah, the amputee fetish guy. What do you mean sitch? He doesn't want his legs so he ties rubber bands around his legs, waits until they're numb and then he just took a saw to it, dude. He put a bullet in his fucking head. There's a great documentary about that. I can't remember what it's called. It's a real thing. It's called Arm and a Leg?

Something like that. How much does it cost? Well, you can figure it out. Why would a person want to cut off a part of their body, especially a limb? They feel like they think in their heads, whenever I mean, why would a person want to cut off a part of their body? Especially a limb. Because they feel like that. Like, they think in their heads, like, whenever they're born, they're like, I was supposed to be born without a leg. Yeah, there's people who believe they want to be lizards.

Like, there are talk shows or whatever. Like, this guy tattooed a cheetah print all over his face and was like, I was born to be a cat. Well, there's the cat person. And there's a chick in the comedy community who's a cheetah. Oh, yeah, the tranny dude! Head of lettuce? No, not head of lettuce. Head of lettuce is awesome, though. The cat person, a

chick, that's his uncle. That's her uncle. Really? Yeah, and she was telling me about a family reunion. Apparently he's discommunicated from the family, this cat guy, and he used to take just big dumps in the middle of the living room. And they would just be like, I'm a cat, but you're not a cat. You're a human.

Did he try to bury him? Yeah, I mean, I guess so. I mean, he wasn't housebroken, I guess. You could teach a cat to use a toilet. They should have treated him like a cat and give him a big litter box, but they didn't. And he was just like, dump all over the house. And then they kicked him out of the family. Have you ever seen a cat use a toilet?

No. They really can't. They just shit on the toilet. Yeah. On the seat, right? Yeah. All right. Speaking of animals, next story. A University of Texas graduate student was left fighting for his life on Thursday

after two chimpanzees pounced on him at the South African Reserve where he was studying their behavior, dragging him along the ground for more than a mile. Whoa! By chimpanzees, you mean black people? Is that what you meant? It's South Africa. There are no black people in South Africa. I got rid of you guys a long time ago.

This is for us now. We belong here, most certainly. It is a pure place. South Africa is the Texas of Africa. The monkeys, or the chimpanzees, excuse me, they're named Mickey and Amadeus, grabbed him by his feet and yanked him down the road, under a fence and into their enclosure at the Jane Goodall Institute Chimp Eaton

near Nelspruit, South Africa, where paramedics were forced to wait for armed escorts before they could go in and treat him. Absolutely. They're strong as fuck. Yeah. Chimpanzees are nine times stronger than humans. Yeah, when they're angry, they get strong. It was a chick.

Oh, it was a lady? Oh, well, here it is. The monkey over here on the left, that is one of the monkeys that attacked him. The woman on the right that's bleeding, she was hit in the head by a rock launched by the monkey over here named Cozy. Really close. That's nice. Really great aim. You know what we should do with these monkeys?

Kill them. Train them and put them in the army. Yeah. Use the monkeys against the terrorists. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sick these monkeys in Afghanistan. Yeah, we never saw Planet of the Apes. It's fine.

No, but you don't make them smarter. You just teach them how to use guns. They're gonna get smarter. You just teach them how to use a gun. Well, they figure out like, oh, we don't want to be America's side anymore. We kill these fuckers. Let's fucking make our own army

and Iraq is full of fucking monkeys now. Well, we just keep making our beeswax and we keep enough bananas in fucking Afghanistan. And they'll know where their bananas are from. You'd save millions and millions of dollars on defense if you just had to use bananas. If we think about it with bananas, the chimpanzees, where they actually

grew up and where they evolved, is closer to the Middle East than they are to America. Oh, shock. So they're terrorist monkeys. If we ran this country, we would just be murdered and overtaken immediately because our ideas for they're terrorist monkeys. I just love that if we ran this country, we would just be murdered and overtaken immediately because our ideas for defense would be monkeys with rocks and guns. And real people came up with drones and nuclear weapons and shit.

We were like, make some chimpanzees. Give them weapons. That'll work. Do you remember that Matthew Broderick movie, Project X, where they trained the chimps out of fighter jets? How'd they do? How'd the chimps do? I mean, they eventually tried to get set free,

and then were all killed. Oh, I see. That's the end of both of those stories. It did not end well. It's like a military training video now. Just like, don't come up with this idea. I've never heard of a happy chimpanzee story either. All these chimpanzees leave like...

You haven't heard a happy Africa story. The oldest... I would love it. Once a week, the news media should be forced to deliver one happy Africa story. There has to be something good going on there. It's just too hot. Oh, and by the way, the African boy drank water. I just want to hear about it.

The sugar substitute arrived on time today in Liberia. Perfect. All right, here are the injuries that this man actually suffered. This is from the emergency service spokesman. Rip dick, rip dick. When we found him, he was in a fetal position. I'm going for rip dick. All right.

I'm going for monkey elbow. Dislocated elbow. Eyeball, missing eyeball. Ripped off ears. All right. Oh, wow, Eddie, did you read this? He lost an ear I know my book

Winner, winner, baloney dinner It's Ed Larson He lost a number of fingers and toes What? What is that number? He's got very deep wounds. Okay. He's got total removal of skin and muscle off one leg and one arm.

No! And fractures all over the place. Visible bone on his legs and shit? Visible bone. Now, he died, right? No. Man, it just ended. Oh, that's nice that he lived through all of that.

That's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he was researching the monkeys? Yeah, just end it. Oh, that's nice that he lived through all of that. That's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he was researching the monkeys? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, he is at what it... He's trying to help those fucking sons of bitches? What it says is that his mother says, Mary Flint, the mother of 26-year-old Andrew Oberle, said that her son had been passionate about chimps since watching a documentary about famous naturalist Jane Goodall in the 7th grade.

Hey, everyone, just please take a look at this asshole. Oh my god! He's a nice guy! He's a born victim! He looks so horrible after the attack! Kevin, what do you think this guy's report said about the chimpanzees

other than they tend to be violent? I mean, I don't know. Shit's changed for this guy, Ed. Kevin, what do you think this guy's report said about the chimpanzees other than they tend to be violent? I mean, I don't know. Shit's changed for this guy, man. You can't be. Basically, they was like, this is a nigga who's in our hood, ain't supposed to be there. And they fucked him up for that. No, wait. No, that was the one that got hit by a rock.

We were there earlier. That's another picture of him with dogs. He looks like a woman in that picture. I thought that was Jake Cuddle. Check out his biceps, man. He's like a 40-year-old lesbian. He really does look like a 40-year- with dogs. He looks like a woman in that picture. I thought that was Jake Cuddle. He's got his biceps, man. He's been working out. He really does look like a 40-year-old lesbian. He deserved it.

He looks like a monkey target. Monkeys probably just jealous of those dogs. He's asking for a date right there. Look at him there. And once again, what sparked the attack again? Nothing. Absolutely nothing sparked the attack. He just went...

Further reports past this one said that he was in what was called the red zone, which is that's where there are certain zones in the chimp sanctuary in which the chimps are most aggressive. Monkey land. Monkey. It's funny. That sounds awesome. That movie, I watched the fuck out of that movie. Oh, yeah. Watch the fuckps are most aggressive. Monkeyland. Monkey. It's funny. That sounds awesome. That movie, I watched the fuck out of that movie.

Oh, yeah. Watch the fuck out of Monkeyland. This is how all Republicans and people full of hate are born. He's 25. He's full of life. He's like, chimpanzees are great. We love them. He goes and he gets torn up by them.

I had a buddy who loved the homeless. He worked at a homeless shelter for two months. And they bit his finger. They didn't bite his finger, but they just beat the shit out by him. I had a buddy who loved the homeless. He worked at a homeless shelter for two months and they bit his finger. They didn't bite his finger, but they just beat the shit out of him. He hates homeless now and I guarantee you he's voting for Romney. He just becomes this steel glove wearing supervillain. He's like, I will destroy

every monkey. Every monkey that he sees. Everyone starts out as such a good person and then they meet these beasts and they get destroyed. Life happens, man. Exactly. Okay, here's what.

Okay, this guy totally looks like Jermaine. I know that I look like the rapist, but this guy looks like Jermaine. Right there. He doesn't look like Jermaine. He's black. That looks nothing like Jermaine, Eddie. He's tiny. He's tiny.

He's just a short black dude. Not every short black dude looks like Jermaine. All right, let's tiny. He's tiny. He's just a short black dude. Not every short black dude looks like Jermaine. All right, let's see. Let's make sure that he's just a racist. He doesn't look a single bit like him. He's all tiny. I mean, he's fat. He's fat.

It looks like a combination of Lord of the Rings and White Men Can't Jump. All right, so this particular chimp enclosure, this particular chimp retreat, it was mostly inhabited by chimps that were abused or otherwise just treated badly. One adult male chimpanzee arrived almost completely shaven and dressed as a little boy wearing a gold watch and carrying a suitcase of clothes. What happened? He was trying to replace himself. I love him. I want one.

He was trying to leave Monkeyland. What happened? For four years he was the heir to the throne of Amsterdam. He showed up. The chimp showed up at the sanctuary completely shaven dressed as a little boy, wearing a gold watch and carrying a suitcase full of... Please make me a monkey again.

No, no, excuse me, sir. Christian Anderson, was this a fucking... Excuse me, sir, no solicitors. Oh my god, it's a monkey dressed as a little boy. That's insanity. Well, come on in. We don't need any more Chinese menus I wonder if what turned him off I bet you this kid was probably on one of those

Pedophile cell phone cams That's what turned him off to men in the general And you know as we all know There was a woman who Had her face torn off by a chimp Quite a long time ago Her name was Charlotte Nash Here's what she looks like now

Not that bad. Not that bad. That's a before and after picture. But she's older too so you gotta take that to a fight. Oh, okay.

Jermaine, you always wanted to fuck a white chick. I think I found one you could bang. Holy Lord. She is nice. I hate that so much. She needs to stop.

She needs to stop being around. What are you talking about? What is good, Henry? I'm sure she's not around that, I've seen the Oprah video. I'm sure she's not around that much. Then there was the Oprah video before she got her face all done and shit. It was very awkward.

Oh, that was too much. Very awkward because Oprah was like, so how you doing? She was like, she couldn't say, fuck you, my face fucked up. She's like, I think I'm doing okay. I think that is. But the interview didn't end off with her being, all right, I got you money for surgery. She's like, okay, all right, bye. You look good. And that's how it ended for the rest of the interview. didn't end off with her being, alright, I got you money for surgery. She's like, okay, bye.

Everyone gets a new car, but whenever a chimp woman comes off, fuck her. That woman was like, I'm just happy to be alive. Really, bitch? Because you fucking got no hands, and you got no fucking face. It's awful. I think she has to say that for the doctor's sake. Yeah, because you look awful.

I mean, but the weird thing is, she has to say that for the doctor's sake. Yeah, because you look awful. I mean, but the weird thing is she has eyes, but she had no eyes. Can she see out of those? No, those are marbles. They're just marbles, right? No, they are. I think they are glass. Is she following around like the Mona Lisa painting? I mean, how does she move her eyes?

The best part about having a big new fake face is that you can hide food in the cheeks and just slowly move it into your throat. Fake faces come with pockets. Alright, one last story. A woman taking a human sexuality course has filed a lawsuit claiming she was required to masturbate, keep detailed

sex journals, reveal her fetishes, and if she had been sexually abused or she would not pass the class. Karen Roy, 60, who took the class in Western Nevada College, filed the suit on June 25th against class instructor Tom Kubistant. Ew. I mean, what's her fetish is not to die?

She claimed the class assignments were invasive and constituted sexual harassment. She claimed the class assignments were invasive and constituted sexual harassment. Before you guys judge, take a look at the professor. Oh, yeah. Look at that. Look at the fucking teeth. Look at his eye. He's got no lips.

He's got zero lips. This guy could have got a lip transplant. He's not the kind that riped you, Marcus. His teeth look like cornflakes. Hey, I'm gonna rape ya! His eyes look like Santa Claus's eyes.

What's the name of the class? Butts and Boners? No, it doesn't say. That's the victim? Butts and Boners want to fucking bone. Holy shit!

The victim looks a lot like Paula Deen. She said, Ms. Roy said Mr. Kubistant required students to double the number of times they masturbate each week and keep a journal, which they had to submit to him. She told ABC News,

I raised my hand and said, I don't masturbate. He said, I had to do it at least three times in order to get a grade in the class. I mean, then again, if she doesn't masturbate, it's good. Sometimes you've got to think out of your own mind.

You've got to think out of the box in this situation. Think in the box. Why is she taking a human sexuality class when she's 60? What did you think she was going to get out of it? She wanted to learn how to be sexual. She wasn't wrong. She wanted to be a social worker. She should be masturbating, though, honestly. social worker. She should be masturbating, though.

Honestly. I don't trust people who don't masturbate. If there's one job that makes you not want to masturbate, though, it's social work. That's true. You see every disgusting sexual deviant around. My mother is a social worker, by the way. She masturbates constantly.

Oh, Lord, yes. And that has been heavily studied. It's not a class, but we keep track at the homestead. Studied by you. Here's more detail. Excel spreadsheets. You can go look at the tabs. Toys have been brought in.

Did this guy just take your class curriculum for how you deal with your mother? I kind of love this class, but fill it with moms. Where are the moms? There's only one? She's freaking out. The lawsuit states that Mr. Kootenai could not be more disgusted with you, Holden. Well, Jermaine's mother is a lesbian. That's the thing,

but if she put a strap on and you, like, sucked her dick, you know? That'd be kind of fun. I'm just throwing it out there. There's pressure on the clit, too, when you do it. Jesus Christ. Okay, now there's a segment from home, McNeil. I want to know about Jermaine's lesbian mother. Oh, yeah, Jermaine's

lesbian mother. Talk about it on the show. Did we talk about it? Absolutely. I think we did. How could we not? She really is a lesbian? Yeah, man. She loves men and women. She got married to another lady last month. Really? Yeah. She's nice She's a nice person

Scratch it Don't even worry about it Don't even worry about it What do you want to know about a mom? Nothing I don't want to know anything We already talked about it Do you want to know how she eats and shit?

Cup size Cup size? My mom is probably a B No no Probably a C Thanks to the four kids Good for her Yeah man

Your mom is like sexy though My mom's hot You seen the picture of my mom, right? Is she a little woman or is she a bigger woman? She's about my height and she got big ass, man. Is she Asian? So she's about four or five. That's not right, Marcus.

She's about five, seven, man. She's hot. My mom's always been hot. I had one of those moms in the neighborhood where everyone wanted to hit on and shit. yeah yeah i got one of those moms too exactly all right i'll say this man just though i don't think i even told you this but this just shows how jamaican people hate gays that's a big part of uh oh we all we all know about step on the chichi yeah yeah there's songs that songs about burning game but like jermaine like jermaine's

mom's getting married in uh maryland and dc so I was going to D.C. that same weekend. So we took the bus together, and I was like, because you spoke to my mom on the phone. I thought you was Haitian, though. Who, me? Yeah. No. You're Haitian? No, but I got to, it was my cousin's graduation I was going for, and my mom was like, who's that guy, Jermaine?

I was like, oh, yeah, I'm a friend of Jermaine. I was like, why is he going to D.C.? I was like, oh, yeah, I'm a friend of Jermaine. I was like, why is he going to D.C.? He's like, oh, he's going for a wedding. He's like, oh, his mom's getting married. She's like, really? And I was like, yeah. I was like, just to see what their reaction would be. Just to see how much heat I would get.

But I was like, yeah, she's getting married to a woman. And like all the odds, this became like a three-hour conversation. God, no, no. In fact,-hour conversation no no no that's what's wrong with america no no she was literally like she was like something wrong with that boy if he was if he wanted to go to that wedding something wrong with that boy if i if me if me was getting married to him i would not expect you to come to this wedding i didn't know this and it went on for like three hours you never told me this wedding. I didn't know this. They went on for like three hours.

You never told me that shit, man. I didn't tell you that. While we were on the bus? No, this is when I got to the house. Did you split it? That would be hilarious if you were sitting next to him the whole time. They were so down with love.

My boy, I got the boy. They're like, something wrong with Jermaine. They thought like you. They're like, Jermaine is... It became that. They're like, don't hang out with that boy. Oh, fuck, really?

I became that friend that their parents don't like? Fuck! That's what my girlfriend sounds like when she's pissed off at me. Yeah, because she's half Caribbean. So she starts fucking... She like does the finger and the fucking like... Yeah, the Jamaican shit. It's funny because we were on a bus and his mom called him or whatever

and I picked the phone up to pretend to be him and I was like, hello? Terrible impression. That was closer to my girlfriend than that was to Kevin. I have a terrible accent, so she's like, this is not Keban. And I was like, he's Keban. He's Keban.

Oh, don't you know mommy, I've been Ke he's Cabba. He's Cabba. He's Cabba. Oh, don't you know, mommy, I'm going to be Cabba all day long. She got offended. She got offended. She's like, put Cabba on the phone. I was like, okay, now. I get a photo. Hey, Henry, can you sell me on some coconut shrimp? Oh, you got to.

Oh, you got to get the coconut shrimp. Oh, the coconut gets stuck in the throat. You got to get that coconut boy and you put it in the bag. Oh, it's like eating a bunch of sodas. You put it on the shrimp and you got your coconut with the marmalade sauce.

Marmalade soda. Put it on a tree that comes in the bear and the bulls. You want to know you got four pounds of coconut. Put it on a tree of cups and a bear and a bull and a bear and a bear and a bear and a bear and a bear and a bear and a bear and a bear You want to know you've got four pounds of coconut

You've got the coconut for the coca potty and the coconut bread Oh, wow. My culture is hurting. Yeah, it's great. Hey, it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely.

It's the segment from Holden McNeely. How hot is it? We're all going to go around. We're going to judge the hottest. Who wants to go first? I'm so hot, I'm sweating. You got to say, I'm so hot, and then we say, how hot is it?

So who wants to start? Do I need to start? Yes. All right, fine. It's so fucking hot out there. How hot is it? It's so goddamn hot. I hit on out there, and then out there. How hot is it? It's so goddamn hot. I hit on out there.

Out there turned me down. I went home later and I masturbated out there. Zero. Zero. Zero. Jermaine. I don't want to do this. Jermaine Fowler.

How hot is it? I don't even know I'm with you, Jermaine. It's hot enough for Holden not to be able to come up with a good segment. I have nothing on this. I don't know. I'm not good. Here, I got one. I got one.

Yeah, do one, Henry. All right, Henry, what do you got? It's so fucking hot. How hot is it? It's so fucking hot, an old man died in my apartment building. Henry gets a four. Nice. Good joke.

I love the punchline. No, wait. I'm going to go ahead and give you a seven. Yeah. All right, Kelly. Oh, boy. Oh, hi. How'm going to go ahead and give you a seven. Yeah. All right. Kelly. Oh, boy. Oh, hi.

How are you doing, Kelly? What's going on? Hey, everyone. How are you? Oh, man. It's crazy outside, right? It's pretty hot out there. I just got to tell you, it's really hot outside. Oh, yeah.

How hot is it? It's so hot that I'm starting to think that boys with ginger beards might be okay to fuck. But they're not. Give her a thousand points. A thousand points, Marcus. If you give her a negative, I will fucking rape you. I will buy you drinks and rape you if you give her a negative.

Look at him. You get a five. I'm a Russian judge. What do you got, Henry or mine? Five of you. Henry, you ready to pull a three-way, my friend? You get a five because I know you're lying That's bullshit Man is hot out there

How hot is it? It's Dude It's so hot Yeah My balls have turned to chicken soup I don't know It's so hot Yeah My balls have turned to chicken soup I don't know It's the terrible segment

Chicken soup is good You got a six I got one What? Yeah, it's a six Fuck It's still not as good as old man dying I mean, that was great

Jermaine I gotta hand it to you Jermaine, you It's so hot Oh, man How hot is it, Jermaineaine It's so hot Oh man How hot is it Jermaine? It's so hot That Jamaica

Over there Is so warmer In comparison to this That I'd rather eat Jamaican cocoa Pea patties Dick fire Dick fire

Dick fire He's just using He's using Carlos Mencia tactics He can't just use an accent Yeah Jermaine You're gonna get the first negative. Negative three.

Whoa. Negative three. Yes. There we go. Oh, man, it's pretty hot outside. How hot is it? How hot is it? It's so hot.

I scraped the sweat paste from inside of my thighs, and I masturbated with it. Oh, Lord. It's hot. It's hot. It's hot. I'm so hot. You know, just for grossness, the Zebrowskis are tied right now. Yay!

I'll accept that. It's so hot. All right, Eddie, can you beat them? Because otherwise we're going to have to have a hot off between the two of them. We got Kissel too, though, right? otherwise we're going to have to have a hot off between the two of them. We got Kissel too though, right? I don't want to have to have a hot off. Kissel's going to do it.

It's crazy outside, right? How hot is it? It's so hot! I saw Pride Alliance kill a family! Negative two! What is that to do? It has nothing to do.

Africa, mama, Africa. I think I deserve more than a negative two. Alright, you get a negative one. Yeah, I get a negative one. You know, Eddie, since this is your last for a while, I'll give you a two. I don't want those 70 points! Back to negative one!

You've won too many rounds! I'm too good! I'm too good! You always win. Not always. Kessel, what are we doing here? What do you got, Kessel? Well, I'm a little warm right now.

How hot is this? It's pretty hot outside. It is. It's so hot outside, you could boil an egg by putting it in a frying pan and putting it on the stove. Fuck you, it's so hot. And turn the stove on to high, and then have the egg boil with that. All right. And now we're going to go Democratic here.

There's one, two, three, four. Ten? Something. One, two, three. Three? That's fine. He gave him. One, two, three. Three? That's fine. He gave him a three? He got better than Ed?

I mean, no, because mine was funny. Mine was amazing. It's so hot outside, you could crack an egg and then you could cook it when you put it in a frying pan. That's from a movie. And put the stove on high. That's from Leaving Lost. No, that's from... It's cooking an egg, yeah, but you can do it in any temperature.

Honestly, I just want to get to what Henry and Jackie are going to say. There we go, let's do this. We have 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. So, this can be a democratic vote. So,

Jackie is going to go first, Henry is going to go second, and then we're going to go first. Henry is going to go second. And then we are going to vote on which one we like best. What to do about the weather, Jackie? What did your parents do to you today?

What do you do about the weather? It's pretty hot outside today. How hot is it? It's so hot. I'm rubbing my tits while I think about this. It's so hot. I'm rubbing my tits while I think about this. It's so hot that I used my arm fat as a fan

and I clucked my way down the highway. That's not fair. That's not fair. She's got a different fucking body than me. No, she doesn't. Henry, tell me about the the weather You have the same body Henry the only difference

Is that you are fatter and hairier I don't know if he's hairier I shaved Thank you very much Henry what do you got Henry how was your weekend How have you been It's weird is that with all this people talking about a heat index,

I'm feeling kind of cold. I'm feeling kind of cold. How cold is it? How cold is it? Man, it's so cold. No. No, no. It's so cold, it's like it's summertime and Santa Claus is workshop.

So Jackie wins, right? Jackie wins. That's not fair. That's not fair. I got set up to fail. Fandom arms, bitch. What are you, a Hollywood? What are you, some kind of Hollywood?

I'm being Hollywood now. All right. You're a beautiful woman. All right. Jackie's a browse. We hold a big daily. Kevin Barnett, thank you for being here. Kelly, thanks for being here. Of course, Henry. Heil Hitler. Oh is a browse. We hold him in daily. Kevin Barnett, thank you for being here. Kelly, thanks for being here.

Of course, Henry. Heil Hitler. Oh, Jesus Christ. Heil Hitler. Hitler. All right, Trey. I'm sorry, guys. I don't know.

What do we want to do for Eddie? Should we sing him out? Yes, sing. I want to sing. He's a jolly fat fella. Okay, all right. I've got something to sing. No.

If drinking's a sin, the devil's my friend. So give me a shot of what's left of the gin. If drinking's a sin, the devil's my friend. So give me a shot of what's left of the gin. Oh, give me a shot of what's left of the gin. Yeah! I was going to... He's a jolly fat fella. It would have been fun, too.

Fuck you, fat boy. I'm bitter than you, Eddie. I love you, Ed. I miss y'all. We all love you, Eddie. Have a safe travel over to L.A. Eat that bologna, nigga. Oh, wow.