The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 105: Half-Hacked Off

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Today on the Round Table: a small boy is crushed by a tombstone while pretending to be a leprechaun, a Canadian man with split personalities dismembers his roommate, and the Round Table tries to apologize to each other for past transgressions, plus we're joined by Henry Zebrowski of Last Podcast, Molly Knefel of Page 7, and our good friend Logan Cunningham, otherwise known as the voice of Bastion.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen! And let them go watch what? Fire at will! Yes!

It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. No, don't even... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just get drunk and it goes from there.

That's the whole thing. Just get drunk. Speaking of which, you are on prayer. You gotta pray. Nice. Dear Lord, thank you for rooms full of sweaty men all the time. Every day.

And the words right out of my brain. The non-stop sweat that we Rooms full of sweaty men all the time, every day. Yes, yes. And the nonstop sweat that we all are collectively experiencing together in this beautiful, lordly summer of 2012, forever and ever, amen. Yay! Okay, okay, okay, all right. Everyone's dying this summer. I love it. People are dying. Earth's benign, man. Boosh! Eat. Everyone's dying this summer. I love it. People are dying. Earth's benign, man.

Boosh. Ate the fucking casket. Oh, my God. Also, like, seven people were shot over the weekend. I know. 63 shots fired. Not the best day. It's that McCarran pool, man.

You gotta stop trying to cool off. It's the piss in the pool. All right. Who is everybody here? Molly. We got Molly Neffel sitting in for Jackie Zabrowski. Molly Neffel. Henry Zabrowski.

Yeah. I'm dating and hating. Holding McNeely. Don't do it. Never stop believing, bitch burger. Yeah, because if you stop believing, you fucking stop. What's in a bitch burger, Holden? It's when you slice just a small fucking labia.

And put it on a burger bun. Put it on a burger bun. What happened to you? You were just great great and then you just got destroyed. I'm done, man. I did Top Hat earlier. I gave it my fucking essence. I gave it my everything and now I'm just like, round table what?

Round table who? There you go. You got it back. That was good. And then of course the other fella. Oh yeah, Kevin Barnett. The only talented person here, Kevin Barnett. I am Ben Kissel. We got Jared. Not Jared Logan. It's Logan Cunningham.

Come on. Hey, how you doing? Thanks for having me. Thanks for being here, Logan. Thanks for being here, brother. Kevin, does your hat say knee hurts? Knee hurts. Why?

What is that? I got a lot of injuries. Oh, is that a personal knee hurts thing? It changes every day. Sometimes it's eye hurts. You wear a hat it says eye hurts. Oh, I didn't know that. I just thought that was like a brand, but you have it because your knees hurt.

No, it's just pain, man. I got a series of pain hats. Who made you that hat? Lids. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah. Is Lids a person?

Yeah. Yes. Lids is a wonderful hat store. Lids. He's this man. He doesn't have a head. it's just a big hat. Yeah, that's the thing. His name's Litz. He does other things, too. He got me scorpion

poison. That was really great. So, yeah, a little vial of scorpion poison. That's how you were able to make love to your mother. Exactly. Yeah, because you get immune to the poison. Yeah, yeah, I make her half-dead and then I fucking have me ways. Hold on. Your scene is looking great. You didn't specify which labia earlier. No. You know, there's two different kinds

Hold on Marcus We know Marcus is here with some news stories But what are the two different kinds of labias Menorah and Majora Are they Jewish I thought those were like constellations No doubt Menorah means small

That's the inside ones And Majora are the outside ones It's like an artichoke right A lot like an artichoke It's like an alien's mouth Now are the menorah inside the vagina No Is it a menorah are the outside ones. It's like an artichoke, right? A lot like an artichoke. It's like an alien's mouth. Now, are the menorah inside the vagina? No. Is it menorah?

I don't know what I'm saying. Minorah. Minorah. Minorah. Okay, so it's a tougher time getting a job. Which one's the nakikach? Minorah sounds like your... More Jewish words.

Minorah sounds like they belong to you. Minorah. Oh, yes, that's true. Molly, please tell us more about your Nora. My Nora are the there's the inside ones that are Your Nora. All right.

I'm trying to say describe your vagina. Who's on first? The thing about vaginas is that they're all pretty much similar. So my Nora are not that similar than other people's Noras. But I'm just saying. But your Majora is different than other people's Majoras. No, the Majoras. But your Majora is different than other people's Majoras. No, the Majoras are the same, too.

I don't think that's true. That's not true. Some of those gals got real drippy drapes. Is it like how rainbows can be different shapes, but they're made of the same colors? Interesting. You guys have probably seen more vaginas than I have. I have seen eight vaginas. Absolutely.

I've seen many, many. And I will say, yeah, the goopier one, the one that's more like cheese. That's what I'm making burgers out of, goddammit. That's nice. In the summertime, Molly, like I get nut sweat. Do you get pussy sweat? Does it actually get sweaty in there? Well, I ride a bike, so.

Constantly, huh? Yeah, if you ride a bike, you've got to be a little careful. You've got to really joyride it. Put a dildo on there. But it's not like I need to cover myself in powder the way that I understand men do. I mean, I'm most certainly covered in powder. You powder up. You powder up.

I have this stuff called silk underwear from Lush, and it has got chunks of aloe in it. It smells like mint, and it smells like rosemary, and I rub it on my gunch, and I rub it between my butt cheeks. No, what's your gunch? Oh, it's the no man's land between my balls and my asshole. Interesting. Otherwise known as the road to perdition. Yeah. Oh, right.

Yes. Also known as the grundle. The grundle? The goinky? I guess the taint as well, right? Yeah, or the circles. The snag? They say they call it that, yeah?

The biff meats. The biff meat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I sometimes put it under my penis, and then you could also put it, if you're a man with You can call it that. The biff meats. The biff meat. I sometimes put it under my penis, and then you could also put it, if you're a man with breasts, you could put it under your breasts. Well, look at that. Y'all are making fun of me for saying there's two different types of labia, and you got like a hundred words for the same body part. Well, yeah, because it's like Eskimos with snow. Yeah, it's just something that's very important to you when you sit on it all day long and you mind it. It's a part of the male body that I try to never, ever come in contact with.

Oh, man. No women have. No, I've had ladies give me the fucking touch and pull. A taint job? Oh, yeah. Bad. Absolutely. It's half.

What? I am not that free. I'm never spreading on any sexual situation. No, definitely not. Nor am I. KB, you've got a double standard here. You're letting chits fucking tingle on that untrended territory? Not my butt hole, man. I don't

do butt stuff. But the taint is close enough. It's the space. Oh my god. It's like saying I don't need a McDonald's. I just go through their drive-thru. What do you put stuff in and on? Space, man. People go and rent space. More shit touches your taint than touches your asshole. Not if you wipe

front to back. All right. We're not ladies. That's what ladies do. Men don't need to worry about it. Yeah, they do. If you're going to have a girl with her mouth on your taint, then you're going to wipe front to back. Well, I have a new...

Reptile tongue. Jackie gave me a portable bidet, so I attached that to my toilet, so I don't even need to wipe it. How is that going for you? Is it just a sonic brush, toothbrush? It's sort of like that. What do you do with it? You put it on, pulsate, and it shoots water up your butt. Oh, wait, you're serious? Yeah. Is this an uncomfortable

gift for your sister to give you, knowing where it's gonna go in your body? What I have is I have this little rug underneath the thing that after I do that, I just rub my ass on the rug like a dog. Like a dog does. Yeah. It's really great. Like a sad, ashamed dog who just shat in the house. Yeah, and then I powder it down and I rub it again. So Henry's morning routine involves both

a bidet and an extreme series of powders. I'm like an 18th century lady of the court. It's really amazing. It's like a half an hour long routine. I do it real fast. I'm doing four things at once. Where did she get, is that like in SkyMall? Where did you get one of these? I don't know where she

got it. That's great. Yeah, don't even bother finding out. No, no, no. It doesn't matter as long as you have it. She made it herself. Alright, speaking of wonderfully clean tape. Yeah, it was made out of like old macaroni and spray paint. That's nice. Alright, I don't even It's a trained little dog.

Yeah, exactly. I was going to say it's a good macaroni donkey that you just fucking rub on your asshole. It's really great. Awesome. Okay, Marcus, give us a news story because I'm disgusted. A four-year-old boy crushed to death by a six-foot tombstone that toppled on him in a cemetery was trying to make

other children smile for a photograph. Oh, God. Why do I agree to do this fucking show? This is so great. It's comedy. Is there not a single fucking sadder way for a child to die than being crushed to death by a tombstone?

Or a laugh. Like, oh, the kids are gonna love me now. That's how I'm gonna die. The tombstone? Ernest Borgnine's. Oh, amazing. You know what he was doing? He was shaped like Airwolf. You know what he was doing when he was pretending to be?

A zombie. A little leprechaun. What asshole has that big of a tombstone? You gotta have one. Look at this kid. This kid looked like me when I was a boy. Check out this kid. Oh, he was so cute.

He is dead now. He's so funny, too. You could see that he was the funny fat kid. He was definitely trying to get the laughs. Oh, yeah. Look at that nice picture.

Dead. Dead. That's how he died. Right there. He's dead. Actually, this is the cemetery that he died in. This is great.

Well, these tombstones are huge. And how did a tombstone fall on him? I mean, aren't these things like implanted in the ground relatively deep? Sometimes. That's why your parents yell at you

about horsing around. Look at these... Skinny, top-heavy fucking tombstones. Designed to kill small children. Should be playing in the fucking graveyard. Well, these are very old tombstones. The older the tombstone gets, the more it gets wiggled out of the ground

just by the elements. That's why I preemptively strike and just knock the graves over. That's what you've got to do. That's what's huge about evangelism. I was just in a... I took a long walk sometimes during the day. I am not what one would call an employed man. No.

And so I walked... That's why you've got so much time to powder your balls. Yeah, exactly. I've got plenty of time to perfect my morning ritual. Are you saying you're a man of leisure? Mm-hmm. I went to... I'm a scholar. I'm a man of the mind. I went to a cemetery the other day.

There's a cemetery near my house. I live in Queens, so there's quite a lot of cemeteries. I was like, fuck it. I started walking around. I did an hour and a half walk around the cemetery. You're like, fuck it. I'm going to use these feet that I have and these legs that I got. Yeah, I'm getting out there. Oh, yeah. I'm going to take a little Richard a half walk around the cemetery. You're like, fuck it. I'm going to use these feet that I have and these legs that I got. Yeah, I'm getting up out there. Oh, yeah. I'm going to take a little Richard Scarry walk around. And what I've discovered is the wrong thing to say to a family when you happen upon a funeral is like, my bad.

You know, it's like I saw them all like sitting there and I was like walking up and I realized I was like. Were you like licking your fingers as if you were about to eat something fresh? You're like, oh, a new one's going into the ground. I'm sitting there with my fucking trap them shirt that you have, which is that bloody woman with the thing on. And I got my Batman hat on. And I fucking walk into the middle of a funeral.

They're like, either that guy's a total pervert or a director. We're not sure. The only thing that would be better if you had those shoes that kids have, those high tops that light up when you walk. Oh, that's great. Do they sell them for older men? I think if you have small enough feet, you can buy them for kids. Yeah, they sell them for those freakishly

large children. The orthopedic LA lights. Yeah. I'm going to get some. Absolutely. But I feel like that would be one more thing that I wouldn't want to see a stranger Have a family member's funeral It's just too pleasant

It's too nice I felt like the wacky neighbor I felt like Newman But at a funeral Were they burying a large casket Or was it a small casket Do you think it was a child's death Or a mother's death

People were just sitting and kind of crying looking at the thing. I'll tell you what, you should have just gone with it. You should have just walked up to the closest gravestone you could have found and just gotten to the fetal right in front of it. I know how you're feeling. I should have run and jumped in the hole and been like, I can save him!

Just open up the casket and start pumping on the guy like, live, damn itkets or like, pump another guy. Like, live, damn it, breathe, breathe. Just walk up, did anyone hire a professional mourner? Anybody? I got him in the yard,

give me the yard. Oh, like the Italian women in The Godfather. It's not a bad move. Or honestly, just be like, I was his lover

and I'm finally getting married. Yes, he was gay. He was seven. Yes. He loved electric shoes. You could take some of that powder off your taint, blow it up into the air, and pretend

like you're a shaman. Do a little service. Like Mary Poppins. Just reach into my ass, pull out the powder, throw it up, and then disappear. Ooh, that's another good way to get out of anything. I mean, run away slowly. That's not bad. Tripping over tombstones.

So, if you're the parents of this kid Who got killed by a tombstone in Glenwood Cemetery Are you burying him in Glenwood Cemetery Or do you bury him someplace else Absolutely not you're burying him in the fucking pet cemetery You're not burying him That's what you do whenever a child dies If it's under five years old

You go and you bury it in the pet cemetery You're not burying him at all because now you hate tombstones You gotta cremate him. You could just roll him up and then afterwards, after he's all flat, you could draw a map on him and you could hang him in your fucking study. I'll tell you what. Like a topical map? Yeah, you could also just throw him off a bridge.

That's true. I think at some point then you're at fault legally if your kid dies and you throw him off a bridge. You just feed him to a bunch of crows? The actual law of that, it's called improper disposal of a corpse. Even if you got permission to like, I want to throw my young child off of the bridge. He'd just love to jump off of the bridge. He'd love to jump off bridges.

If you're on a first date and you're like, let's walk across the bridge, and you're a regular person walking across the bridge, and you see a family chucking a small kid off of the bridge, that's an open up. You immediately ask for papers. May I see documentation that this is legal? If it's on a first date, I'd be like, yeah, baby, you been on a date like this before? Nah.

It's wild. Yeah, one of a kind. I told you. You also have to put the kid in something like a little kid pinata. Oh, that's a fun thing to do. Something like that. I mean, could you just make the kid the pinata? A sarcophagus is what you're describing.

What I would do is I would take that kid and I would fucking find a Mitt Romney campaign van and hide that dead kid in the back of the van frame and murder the kid. Good fucking move, my friend. You could use a dead kid. You got a dead kid. That's permanent evidence. If you need to get rid of somebody or you need to get somebody fired,

you got a dead kid to just kind of plan on it. It's one of the best things you can plan. A legal term is definitely permanent evidence. You stand in the courtroom all the time. That's permanent evidence. It says, look at the Empire State Building. I'll allow it. I mean, you could also,

you could cut the kids up, set them down as fingers individually, as toes individually. I mean, you could also cut the kids up, send them out as fingers individually, as toes individually. I mean, you could have 15 to 16 great little gifts and packages that you could send out to random politicians. I know this guy. Fuck over a lot of people with one corpse. I met this guy in Atlanta who's got a big box of Groucho Marx's teeth. Get out of here. And that's just cool to see.

Are they really his teeth? He says they are. That works for me. It's human teeth in a box. I knew a guy that said that he had bone fragments of the family of Tsar Nicholas II. Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah. He said that a man got them in the basement where the Romanov family was murdered. Romanov?

During the Bolshevik Revolution. I'll tell you what. Whose bones would you want to have in your house? Alistair Crowley would be kind of fun. You can only have one. Faulkner? P.T. Barnum. P.T. Barnum. Oh, I definitely

have Farley's bones. Oh, yeah. Have you ever put Farley's bones and put it in dresses, sculpted up like Matt Fulmer? Right, right. I'd say Charlie Chaplin. Any bone. Charlie Chaplin's a fun pick any bone you want? Any bone. Chaplin? Charlie Chaplin's a fun bone to have.

Yeah, with a derby hat. I'm going to go with Woody Allen. All right. He's not dead. I'll take his bone. Okay. I'll have his bones living or dead. I bet you if you just go to the bathroom after he's taken a big dump, he probably shits bones

at this point. I'm sure. Let's make a Facebook poll and get enough people to sign a petition saying they give you the bones. What do you just give Holden your bones? I'll tell you what, whose beating heart would you keep in your house?

Kevin, whose bones do you want? I was going to go with Will Smith for similar reasons that Holden said, as I would just take them. But also, I am patient and I want to be smooth for a lifetime. I feel like I can get that through that nigga's bones. Definitely.

Will Smith is a charming gentleman. Scientologist. Bones for days. Ben, beating heart. Whose beating heart do I want to rip out of their chest? Just to have a heart in some sort of like formaldehyde that's also hooked up. In a glass case you can see it. Oh, man.

And if your guest that you're having over hits the secret compartment button and ends up in the room, he fucking freaks the fuck out. I gotta get John Starks, the best New York Knick player of all time, one of the greatest shooting guards, give me that sweet-ass John Starks heart.

I'll tell you what, I'm going Napoleon. It's a little hard on Napoleon. Absolutely tiny. John Wayne Gacy. Oh, not a bad choice. I'm never coming to your house. Yeah, fuck yeah, no one will ever come. A little hard on Napoleon. Absolutely. John Wayne Gacy. I'm never coming to your house. Yeah, fuck yeah. No one will ever come.

Carly and John. That is one chubby bunch of skeletons and hearts. Oh, yeah. Two fat guys' hearts. These are my inspirations. I think that you just have Farley's bones in his heart already, don't you? In my body, yeah. Oh, yeah, absolutely.

I'm going to go with Karl Marx. Jesus, you're just getting on all these old guys. Wow, comedy existed past the 1950s. You do know that. Karl Marx was the man who talked about communism. Oh, I thought you were talking about Groucho Marx. You're confusing me. Fuck Karl Marx.

I'm going to go for King Arthur. Okay. I mean, there's still some... There's a vote out on whether or not he was technically real Merlin then Alright sure That heart will age backwards Turn into a little baby's heart after a while Alright speaking of us

The T-Rex from Jurassic Park That's a nice big heart You can eat that heart You can definitely eat a T-Rex heart I've never had heart The worst thing I ever had was a liver off of a fucking duck Foie gras I love liver, I love a big fat

It's not good, it's the filter It's full of human shit They only feed it the most richest of foods And make it big and fat It thinks it's the privileged duck It's walking around thinking it's a happy, fun duck And everyone's taking care of it And then you just eat its organs

I want you reincarnated right now Sucking down a tube full of fucking shitty oats as a duck. And just be like, I love it. For the first six months, you're living like a king. One thing that I've learned, I've been reading this demon book. One thing that I've learned, the one thing, the one organ out of humans that demons love above all others, the liver.

Makes sense. There's one Japanese demon. How he kills you is he sucks your innards out of your asshole. Cool. I'll tell you what I would go for. Boner veins. Hey, man. Suck them down.

Suck them down, man. Suck out the blood and then you chew on the veins. That's a good magician's name. Whose heart do you want? Boner veins. Georgie Scott. There you go. That's a great one.

Yeah, he could yell at you all the time. It'd be great. I can't believe I fucked up that Karl Marx thing. I feel like I'll apologize for that later. But anyway, there's a whole story about somebody eating body parts. Yeah, there's a whole story. A 40-year-old man in British Columbia with a split personality has been accused of the brutal murder and dismemberment

of his 54-year-old flatmate after police discovered parts of the victim's body in a new Westminster apartment. Ernie Allen Hosack allegedly killed his roommate of one month, Richard Falardo. Wow, they hated each other immediately. One month. And proceeded to chop him into bits, placing his thumbs, anus, scrotum, and testes in the freezer,

his headless torso into a suitcase, and left his skull near to a busy freeway. The two men had shared the attic apartment at 14358 88th Avenue in New Westminster. 14358? What kind of address is that?

Before Hosack is supposed 14358 88th Avenue in New Westminster. 14358? What kind of address is that? Can't be stupid. Before Hosack is supposed to have killed Falardo, and when arrested and questioned by the police, Hosack took on an alter ego claiming to be his dead grandfather. Genius! Who said about his actions, you could call it murder. So he kept the anus, the lips, and what else?

The scrote. Anus, scrotum, testes, and thumbs. Listen, bro, murder's just a frame of mind, man. Yeah, I had to think about it. I mean, he kept all the fun things that you could nail onto a torso and kind of fuck, right? If you put those things on a mannequin, you almost have a real person there. Or you put it in a big can and make a really cruel

game of Yahtzee. That's true. Lips. In his list of things that he kept, thumbs are like one of these things is not like the other, right? Oh, yeah. All the other are private parts, really. I bet if you put those all into a maraca, it'd be a very interesting sound. Sounds great.

It's just a bizarre choice to keep those things. I feel like the lips are very easy to get rid of. That one fella ate them on the last episode. That's a good way to do it. Maybe he liked getting thumbed. Maybe that's sort of a thumb up the ass.

And if you freeze it, I guess it'll be Sunday tea for him. I just think it's also one of those things when you're dismembering a corpse and you're looking at things

and you're like, man, I gotta keep some of this shit. You can't stop. What do I take? But it's more like, well, one of those hoarders episodes and i guess i'll take this and i guess i'll take his balls because based off of our last thing what are you taking henry what are you gonna take on the course oh off a human corpse if i have if i was keeping souvenirs yeah your trophy yeah oh man i mean if it's a lady you keep the tits you gotta keep the tits i mean depending

on the size of the lady you have the tits i You gotta keep the tits. I mean, depending on the size of the tits. If it's a lady, you have the tits. I'm gonna keep the minora. Yeah. I was hoping you'd say that. You have the majority of the minora. You're educated, you guys. How many days will it last? I gotta suck all the juices out of you.

I'd also keep the belly button and cut out a hole where the belly button is and go like, anytime people get it. That's kind of what we're about to do. Can you pickle it? Can you pickle body parts? You can pickle anything. Yeah, I'll pickle that shit and I keep an eyeball.

My question is, how do you cut out and keep the anus? I think that's what I was thinking, a scalpel. But I mean, the anus is long and weird.

That's what I was thinking. You know how like you cut open the top of a pumpkin to take the top? That's what it is. No. You just stab it around

in a circle. I know, but the anus is like this big, long, it's like a fleshlight. It's this huge fucking tube. Yeah, you just yank it until is. No. You just stab it around in a circle. I know, but the anus is like this big, long, it's like a fleshlight. It's this huge fucking tube. Yeah, you just yank it until it comes out. You think so? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright. Well, I'm not keeping any fucking anuses. No, no. I don't swing that way.

Alright, nothing gay about you, dude. I would love to see if it was like body parts hoarders and there's just somebody with a whole bunch of bodies, but he has to get rid of some parts of the bodies and keep other bodies and he just has emotional breakdowns like when they try to take out an elderly woman's newspapers, you know? So you can also keep a feet, you keep the feet

and put sneakers on them and just, like, try to convince your friends that they're getting followed by making, like, tracks in the dirt. Funny feet. Yeah, yeah, you do the funny feet prank on your buddy. The more I read about this guy, the more I love him. Arrested by police, Hosak gave police a chilling

12-hour performance during which... Performance? I had a dream! I mean, this guy might be a murderer, but he's goddamn amazing. During which he assumed differing personalities and expressed, quote, grandiose delusions,

offering advice to save the Earth, claimed he knew the secret of light-speed engines, and offered to terraform the Earth. That's amazing! What's terraforming? Terraforming is... We don't need to terraform the Earth. We're already terraformed. Terraformed is taking a lifeless planet

and making it livable. They say that you could do it with Mars. There's actually a big... They're talking about... They found some fucking weird ice up there. They got ice. They got bizarre ice. I think we need now some whiskey. We got ourselves a cup of cocktail.

Is it Richard Jenning that does all the impressions? The Shatner? Richard Jenning? Yeah, yeah. No, Kevin Pollack. Kevin Pollack. That's basically just... It just sounds like a Kevin Pollack performance.

This guy should test for SNL. This guy's amazing. It would immediately cast him. He recited the entire... From memory, the whole entire series finale of Voyager. That would be amazing. Maybe he was reciting something for 12 hours so that somebody else could hide some other body he dismembered, right?

Yeah, and they forgot about the lips in the freezer. Yeah. They hide his embarrassing Carly Mae Jensen album collection. Carly Rae Jepsen. Carly Rae Jepsen. You said Carlye Jepsen. Carly Rae Jepsen? You said Carly Mae Jepsen. Carly Rae Whipsen? I never heard of this beautiful man.

Call me maybe. Oh, okay, baby. And also Titty Hound. Yeah, yeah. Buttfuckers Delight. And you know what, guys? It gets even better. When he alluded to a different personality,

police requested to speak to it, and Hosak's voice grew deeper, and he said he was deceased grandfather called Ernie Gucci Gucci Coup. Oh, that's a very nice grandfather. I would do anything to have a police tape of the police

officer who was just like, alright, let's talk to the other personality. Let's see him. Bring him out. We're gonna beat him up too. Hosack's Ernie Gucci Gucci. Let's see him. All right. Bring him out. We're going to beat him up too. Hosek's Ernie Gucci Gucci coup voice informed police that the body parts, quote, were sent to different places in hell to be torn apart. See, this is what I'm saying. If we live in a time where it was like priests were like cops, he would have got off scot-free

and he would just be possessed and they would do exorcisms on him. The cops are too smart for this guy. Alright. I'm just saying, if he is possessed, I mean, he's a prime candidate for an exorcism. That's all I'm saying. Informing the investigating officers that the victim died, quote, faster

than he ever thought possible, the voice said that his grandson saw him, quote, snap his head like a twig. He said that Feridot's thumbs were removed so that he, quote, won't be able to meddle in anything. What? That's meddling thumbs. That's the thing, man. The human thumb.

It's needed. That's why he took off the thumbs. We'd be fish without these thumbs. He can't give thumbs up to nothing. That's what I was going with. He'll be digging it with his middle finger. Now I have to delete my Tumblr meddling thumbs. He also can't be a film critic anymore.

Yeah, that's a problem for him. That's probably him, though. It's like a really corny joke he brings his friends over. They watch movies. You know what I think about this movie? And he throws up the thumbs. Throws them up or spikes them down. Fuck yeah, Ernie!

What do I think of this movie? I don't know. Let's leave it to the thumbs. Or instead of liking something on Facebook, he just takes a picture of the disembodied thumb and then posts it on the person's blog. He just keeps putting it against his laptop screen. You know, it's like,

come on now. Come on, thumb. Take a computer. Show me likes. Why is he foghorned? It would be a fun house to go to. Come on now. Show me likes. Why is he foghorned? It would be a fun house to go to. Come on now, show me likes. I like this baby picture.

I like what you got to say about me. It would be a fun time if we could do a ceremony with real life human things, though. Human fingers, human thumbs, human butts. If we could just figure out a way to get a hold of those things, I think we could summon the devil. I think we can get a hold of those things, I think we could summon the devil. I think we can get a hold of those things. I mean, we're going to lose a piece of our soul, but we can get them. I don't think it can be ours, though.

It has to be a random stranger. You've got to kill somebody and nobody will miss. For a second, I thought Marcus was just suggesting that this is a field of bodies in this very room that we could harvest. Oh, no, no, I'm never going to kill anyone I love. At least not in this room. I love all you guys. Good, thank you. Please. Nice of you, no. No, I'm never going to kill anyone I love. At least not in this room. I love all you guys.

Yeah. Good. Thank you. Please. Nice to meet you, Marcus. Who would you kill first if you had to? In this room? At this table.

Holden. Yeah! So fast. Count death of the cowmen, first of all. I can't believe this. So fast. What is it about Holden that makes you want to just murder him and rip his face off and take his eyes and put him in your freezer?

You know, he actually makes a good point. Ben. Why? What the fuck did I do? That's what happens, man, if you judge a snap judgment. Well, you know what? Now that I think about it, I've always wanted to kill a lady, so Molly... You just want to kill everybody.

I'll tell you what. Can I be hugging Ben while you kill him? Oh, okay. You know what? Please, kill me. If he ever hugs me, kill me. That's the nicest thing you can do. You want to feel your death wiggle.

Free hugs. But still, Logan, I don't really work with you on any projects. He's a very talented man. A lot of people love him. If he goes missing, everyone's going to know. They're going to come after you, Marcus. Yeah, no sequel to Bastion. I mean, his hair is very cool and distinct.

It is. It's beautiful. But on the other hand, Kevin, you've sent a lot of hate towards me over the years. Kevin's knee already hurts. I mean, I'm in a lot of pain. I could take it out of your misery. Just finish the job. But Henry? We've been friends, though.

God, I can't kill this man. Why do you kill Henry? You can't kill the world's most smiley man. Jesus Christ. I couldn't kill you. I am recording you driving in a car, by the way, very soon, Henry. It's going smiley man. Jesus Christ. I couldn't kill you guys. I am recording you driving in a car, by the way, very soon, Henry. It's going to be great. Oh, my driving in a car? Yeah, man, it's amazing.

You know, if you want to define, I want people to know the real me. I do. Yeah, you get to know me. You get a little bit racist. That Michael Richards rant sounds like a fucking goddamn carrot top performance. No, no, no, no, no. It's all done with satire in mind. I'm a satirist.

I'm a modern Mark Twain. In a car alone. No, I just call people dykes. A lot. No matter what, you're sexist. It doesn't matter. Y'all want to hear a bath... Y'all want to hear a bath salt story?

Yeah, let's hear a bath salt story. A new mother has been charged with smoking the powerful synthetic stimulant known as bath salts two days after she gave birth, while still in the maternity ward of a central Pennsylvania hospital and violently attacking staff. Cool. Carla Murphy of Altoona is charged with aggravated assault and various drug counts for allegedly stripping naked

and beating staff at the Altoona Regional Hospital. Hospital police had to be called to subdue the 31-year-old after she stripped, rolled around on the shower floor, and was unable to answer basic questions posed by the staff. Do you want to give an example of a basic question? I think one of the basic questions is, where are you? Yeah. I mean, at least I'm in a rolly room.

To be fair, she didn't just give birth to a Prometheus squid baby. So, I mean, there is, you know. Oh, no, no, no. Here's a picture right here. Check her out. Oh, it's a beautiful baby. I will say, I mean, kudos say I mean here's the father charged with giving her the bath salts cool none of these people look like they were on

bath salts very normal they have full faces you know usually drug addicts are all like you know who's not being cool when you get married and have kids that's the thing man you know we're going to be the same, baby. Like half the kid. Come on, baby. We'll get right back to our old ways. We'll smoke bath salts for whatever fucking reason. Even though it could even be coke. We could even smoke coke and not do what you're going to do.

You can smoke anything. Human remains. You can smoke those. Who the fuck chooses to smoke the bath salts? People who want to have a good time, man. Roll around naked. Beat up nurses. It sounds fun. You could smoke anything. You could do

any other drug and have a normally sort of regular time. The last place you want to be is a damn hospital, man. Or the first place you want to be. Have you played the game Rampage? Yeah! Do you want to know what that feels like in real life?

It's like a smack in a huge building. It sounds awesome. It looked like that baby was healthy, though, so I feel like she took nine months off of bath salts, which kudos. She wanted to treat herself after nine months off. Some people want a martini. Some people want a joint.

She wanted bath salts. I mean, they gave her Halidol, and it still didn't calm her down, which Halidol is an extremely strong antipsychotic. It's supposed to knock you out completely. And make your dreams go away so Freddy Krueger doesn't attack you. I've heard that. Yeah.

That's the thing. So what's going to happen? Are they taking this kid away so soon? Oh, that's terrible. Yeah, they're taking the kid away immediately. Good for the kid. That's the problem with Ben, though, and Freddy Krueger. He comes and visits them for the drink, and they just end up hanging out and getting stoned and drinking a bunch.

That's the problem. We just get along too well. He hasn't killed me yet. end up hanging out and getting stoned and drinking a bunch. That's the problem. We just get along too well. He hasn't killed me yet. They went to the mother and father's house and inspection of the residence uncovered drug paraphernalia

including needles, aluminum foil, bath salts containers and a broken glass bottle with brown residue on it. Aluminum foil that's meth. Aluminum foil is for fucking hot food. It's also cookies. To put it in the thing.

Yeah, the brown liquid in the thing could have been maple syrup. Stuart, his live-in boyfriend, or Stuart, her live-in boyfriend, told how he was aware that Murphy had been addicted to Blizzard, the street name for bath salts or MDPV, but thought that she'd kick the habit. Blizzard. Or yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy tummy goodies. Razor's claw.

By the way, Blizzard is spelled with two Z's. Cool. It's normally spelled with two Z's. I thought it was only one Z. No, no, no. It's two Z's, buddy. Thank God you're not a weatherman. Am I right?

I'd say. I'd say. Bath salts or as it's known on the street, kosher salt. Thank God you're not a weatherman. Am I right? I'd say. I'd say. But that's great. Bath salts, as it's known on the street. I mean, I guarantee you, the baby was conceived in a huge amount of love, though. A lot of passion. They were probably fucking for 36 hours straight when this thing was made. Yeah, and it seems like nudity is really the common thread with bath salts.

It seems like almost 100%. You are aware with the Miami Zombie, not on bath salts. The reason why they say the nudity thing is because you feel like your insides are cooking, so you take off your clothes because you're freaking out. I understand that, man. It's fucking hot in July. I just take my clothes off as soon as I get in the house. It is.

Well, Jackie was explaining to me that your mother bought tighter clothes for you when you were a child so that you wouldn't take them off. It would be harder for me to take them off. It was harder because you were always taking your clothes off. What are tighter clothes? I had two leashes on me. I think I told this story.

I had two leashes. I had a leasher on my wrist and a leasher on my waist. But I didn't know the clothes taking off part, that you took your clothes off too much in public. She bought you tighter clothes so it was harder to take off. Yes. Your mother's a smart woman.

She is a smart woman. When Henry talks about the leashes, let the record show that he's not smiling at all. He's very serious. Yeah, he goes really sad. You were free to let it go. You had to stop running away, man. I just, no, I wanted out. I wanted freedom.

I wanted to be real. I wanted to live on the rails. You were just going to run into traffic, though, get hit by a car, immediately dead. I was a young Jack Kerouac. But now I like things to be stable. Right, right, right. I'm a homebody now. Less. Uh-huh. But now I like things to be stable. Right, right, right. I'm a homebody now. Less on the road.

Yeah, I don't need to run no more. On the couch again. No, no, no. That's why I leash myself to the couch. You've internalized the leashes. That's very sad. Yeah, you're like those... Remember those dreams?

Yeah, is that not like a sexy thing for you now? Is that like a little fetish? Absolutely not. You like to get leashed up? Oh, come on, man. Sounds hot. Leash it up, dude. Bring a leash into the bedroom.

I don't like having things tied around me. Remember those big purple monsters You like to get leashed up? Oh, come on, man. Sounds hot. Leash it up, dude. Bring a leash into the bedroom. I don't like having things tied around me. Remember those big purple monsters you used to get that had chains all over their hands and their legs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love those big... My real monster. My real monster. You were literally a real monster, Henry. I thought you were talking about a horrible dream you had.

No, no, no. I never have horrible dreams. It's a beautiful dream. It was a big, fat thing. It had that long, plastic nose. Loved it. big, fat thing. It had that long, plastic nose. Loved it. I love that thing.

They made shoes based off of that, and they called it racist. Yeah. Why? No, no. That's the reason. That's something else. Oh, the Adidas shoes. The Adidas shoes.

It was like an S&M grimace, basically. Are we going to go around the table? Are you going racist on the Adidas shoes? Yeah. No way. They're based off of that thing. they're based off of that thing. They're based off of that monster. No, they're not. They are.

Now that I think about it, God, they looked... They're based off of my little monster. The designer said that it was... He was like, yo, it's supposed to be my real monster. Yeah, it's not racist. No, I don't think it was racist. I see how it was misconstrued. Just see one picture of a black man wearing them and say it's not racist. No, I don't think it was racist. I see how it was misconstrued. Just see one picture of a black man wearing them and say it's not racist anymore.

You know when that shoe comes out, it's all black people lined up. Black people lined up to get shoes with chains on them. So symbolic. Shackles on the shoe. It's a sad statement for society. By white people selling them the shoe, putting the shoes on them and stuff. Them all walking out in a line. No, no, the shackles aren't tight enough.

You have to get them. You know, once you put these shoes on, you can't take them off. And all of a sudden, they all know slave spirituals by heart. That's nice. It comes with a whole informative packet on them. They hand out sheet music as they walk out. Well, no, the sheet music flows

through the shackles into the pocket. Man, these blacks are really being kind these days. I love those new shoes. Kind. These are nice blacks, Pam. They are not... The way we're talking about this, we're saying these shoes are magic. Yeah.

They're cursed. Yeah. Like Bagger Vance had those shoes on. We're saying slavery was magic, which it was. That's the one sad thing. I was watching Ancient Aliens. They were talking about the pyramids, and they just refused to believe that people worked really hard to make them

because they're like, well, it would take people years, dedicated their lives to make those pyramids. Or aliens did it. And it's like, give the credit to the slaves. Maybe there were just a million slaves. There were so many slaves dying making those. Just like, give the credit to them. It wasn't aliens. There were slave ghosts somewhere in like Egyptian heaven.

Just like, god damn it. We still ain't getting any god damn credit. No credit for this? Aliens now? When have you ever seen an alien? I love how you put on a black voice for Egyptian slaves. Shut up. God damn.

What do you want me to do? When I was working with the many giant blood, I knew that my blood was smeared for no reason. That's just your terrorist life. I know I've been making this triangle. I make a big triangle for God damn faro to be buried in. Yeah, you just gave my girlfriend three reasons to hate you. Oh, we're talking about it. It's satire.

Each word more racist than the last. Slave. Pyramid building. Cab driving. Bodega owning. Trying to make it in America. Alright, next news story. A 70-year-old woman accused of hacking off

her husband's genitals has been ordered to stand trial. What? I saw this, I think. After an hour-long hearing with a victim... You only read stories about women

cutting men's penises? Yeah. They're good stories. You know when I talk about feminist laws? You have a Google alert. It's just stories about dicks getting chopped up. Oh, of course. Her name... Her name is Virginia Valdez. She faces up to nine years in jail.

She was arrested at her Palm Springs home in December. Did she cut his nuts off? After she allegedly attacked her 62-year-old husband's genitals with a pair of industrial scissors. Well, you gotta know industrial. Take a look at this woman. It's like Jeffrey Lebowski's nightmare. When he was tripping on fucking...

The nose tells it all. She looks like she could literally be anybody's mom. She's 72. You said? 62. I just for some reason immediately think of Quint's speech in Jaws. The hit, the tail, the whole damn thing. She's looking down in that picture like she's looking at his genitals in her mind.

She hates his nuts. Did she cut him off? Did she actually succeed with the amputation? Well, the man called the police after his wife's brutal assault as he screamed with pain. While she was doing it, too. Yeah, he's like, she's hacking it. She's hacking my genitals. There goes my left nut.

Stop. I'm calling the police. I'm off the phone. He tried to stop the bleeding using bathroom tiles. What? He told an operator, bitch tried to stop the bleeding using bathroom tiles. What? He told an operator, bitch tried to cut my dick off. Oh, he's inappropriate, though. Don't swear, sir.

Okay, no reason to curse. I'll talk to you when you calm down, sir. And he's wrong. She didn't try. She did. So she cut both of them. Must have huge nuts. She did not succeed.

She didn't. I almost feel like that's worse. Just standing around with fucking half-hacked off fucking dick and balls. Oh, man. Shove a tongue up my taint. That's a terrible disorder. Those are the worst days. You sound like a cable.

He's like on Fox News. Yeah, absolutely. Buy Morgan Stanley stock? I'm sending a tape out. After this, I'm going to get a copy and send a tape. Also, shove a tongue up my taint is a new, like, kiss my grits or whatever. Shove a tongue up my taint. Valdez had been massaging the intimate areas of the victim, such as his testicles and inner thigh,

when she stopped suddenly, telling him she was going to brush her teeth. But instead, she just got crazy. She just overloaded on the nuts. But instead, she grabbed a pair of scissors and savagely cut at her husband's penis and disfigured the victim's genital. Jesus Christ.

Oh man, that's so scary. She made him hard first? They had been married for 32 years. Do we have any idea why she hard first? They had been married for 32 years. Do we have any idea why she did this? They had been married for 32 years. Because it was there. Their relationship could have been that bad if she was going down on him after 32 years. My bet, he never went down on her.

It's disgusting. She is 62 years old. Didn't hit that fucking tongue on that minora. Yeah, she got tired of it. That's true. She was like, you know, I'm always massaging your fucking inner thighs. You never do it for me. And she just snapped.

I'll tell you what, too. If your tongue's too tired... I honestly think that could be the most logical response. If your tongue's too tired, give her a nose job. Rub that nose in there. I'll bet that he never, ever, ever got her off. And I'll bet that she just got so fucking tired of it. And massaging his inner thighs, which is a weird thing to do.

But what if it's also like he didn't DVR the view? Yeah, I mean, that's the thing. I don't know. It could also be a thing where she never did either. And there was one time she was like, oh, shit, this is great. And then she pulls out some scissors. You can't trust these hoes today. None of them.

They're going wild. They're going absolutely bonkers out there with the scissors and cutting off people's nuts. Who's going bonkers? You are, Molly. You are. You and your bonkers tried to justify this bitch cutting his nuts off. No, it's fine, Molly.

I'm on your side. Fuck the guy in this. They're probably gross nuts to suck on. How often in the news do you hear stories of sexual assault against women? There's like two stories of guys getting their dicks cut off. But rarely are stories... In history. Men don't usually cut off women's majora.

There are a lot of those stories. We just don't talk about them as much. No, yeah, because women get their clits cut off, right? But that's a part of religion. That's a cultural thing. No, but I'm just saying that violence is disgusting, though. It's like men wearing kilts. When that happens in that town, it's beautiful. It's a part of religion. That's a cultural thing. No, but I'm just saying that violence is disgusting. That's like wearing floppy hats or men wearing kilts. When that happens in that town, it's beautiful. It's a great day.

I don't know if it's beautiful. It's a bad day on garbage day. Violence against women's bodies is quite normal, but violence against male bodies is quite by women. You just want to get a bunch of Amazons together to cut a bunch of men's dicks off. Domestic violence against men is highly underreported. See, the thing though, whenever a dude

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Well, you're right, by the way. You are right, so it's fine. Whenever a dude beats up a girl, everyone, myself included, just discussing a dude's a monster, he deserves to die, all this shit. This girl just cut off this dude's balls for seemingly no reason. You're just like, well, she probably

would go down on it. We laugh when guys' dicks get cut off. It becomes a joke, which is not nice. And I overheard a conversation on the subway once between two guys when one guy said, two friends, and one guy was like, yeah, man, she's real mad. She said she was gonna cut

my dick off. And then his friend said, alright, but she's not really gonna do that. And then the other guy goes, I don't know, man. I mean real mad. She said she was going to cut my dick off. And then his friend said, all right, but she's not really going to do that. And then the other guy goes, I don't know, man. I mean, that one lady did it. That's the thing. You never know. It's like, that's how I was afraid of after 9-11.

When you fly one plane into a building, it's just like everyone's going to start flying planes into a building. You got one dick out there saying it's like one choppy chop. It's going to start coming. Man, the fucking sword of Damocles is falling down on us, guys. It's going to start coming man the fucking sword of Damocles is falling down on us guys next thing you know they're the featured fucking cuisine on MasterChef

it'll be disgusting or Iron Chef one more thing to bring it all full circle the man has hired Gloria Alred who was also hired by the girlfriend of Rudy Eugene the bath salts face eater. What a fun job for her.

She has a great living. She's blowing up right now. She's like the Ghostbusters of defense attorneys. She really is. And now it's time for a segment from Holden McNee. I only take on wacky cases. Yeah, this segment is called

Apology Accepted. We all need to apologize to someone else here on the table. I think everybody's prepared with their apology. I'll start. I'll get the thing going. I'm going to start with a bonus apology. I'm sorry for the segments. I apologize.

So we've been working hard. Sometimes you got to get up for work The next damn day You don't have time to fucking think It's a solid segment He started as a genuine apology And that is the thing This brings us to our rules If it's a passive aggressive fucking pussy apology

You're gonna get fucking negative 500 points And if the person who you're apologizing to Does not accept your apology You're gonna get some fucking point falls there. You're going to have a hard time penalized with the points. Let's get serious here. Let's give meaningful apologies. I will start.

Ben. Oh, yes, Holden. I apologize for I have smoked your weed while you were asleep or whatever. I really wish that he hadn't said that. I took some of your weed. This is going to start a war. I just know that he smoked my weed while you were asleep or whatever. I really wish that he hadn't said that. This is going to start a war. I just know that he smoked my weed. He had it out on the table and I didn't do it today. He had it out and I didn't do it.

You did do it today though because you said I woke up this morning and Holden said, oh Ben, I just want to let you know I didn't smoke your weed. And then he stared at my weed and I was like, puppy want a fucking bone? Puppy want the weed? Alright, have some weed, you fucking asshole. You could have said nothing though. I would have been fine with it. I already smoked

some of the, there was weed left in the bowl and I smoked that weed, but I didn't smoke it today. Not accepted. But there have been times where I've found the weed, where I've gone into the fucking room of darkness and shadows and found a cluster of nugget and I've smoked it. I apologize. Ben, I'm so sorry.

That is fine. Apologies. Don't bring my weed back. Ben, you gotta hide your weed better. I used to live with alcoholic roommates and they would, uh, I would hide my hard alcohol in my underwear. I hide all my course lights in your underwear. Very interesting. Alright, so Ben,

apology accepted? Unaccepted. Alright, negative 200. Fuck you, Helvin! Yeah, so Ben, apology accepted? Unaccepted. All right, negative 200. Fuck you, man! Yeah, fuck you, Hogan! Goddamn! Woo! Feel good, man. All right, who's next?

Logan? I will go next. I'm apologizing to Marcus, my good friend of some years now. Many years. I think five years ago, even this very weekend, I think, when you were living on McDougal, I vomited all over your floor. And I felt really bad about that. Apology accepted, sir. You know why apology accepted?

Why is that? Because I don't remember that at all. That's good. That's great. That's perfect. Perfect. 200 points. 200 points.

All right, good. Good, good, good. All right, who's next? I want to apologize to Henry. What about? Be wary of his. Why? You seem to have a lot of trap doors

in the things that you say. No, no, no. You have a very attractive sister. And I'm not saying that I masturbated to her. Man, you fucking asshole. But here's my apology to you.

I apologize to you for coming thinking about your extremely hot sister, but always keep in mind that it's your fault because you made her that way. The way you fed her. Henry? Henry?

So I am sorry that you have a hot sister. This is what I'm going to say. First of all, I'm going to admonish you for saying I created her because you did that to herself. Well, she's a beautiful woman. That's fine. And I miss you, Jackie. Come back to the program. Hey!

That's fine. No, Molly, it's fine. It's nicer to sit next to Molly than Jackie just because Jackie's my sister and Molly is Molly. Of course. to sit next to Molly than Jackie just because Jackie's my sister and Molly is Molly. Of course. I'm going to say that I tentatively

accept your apology. No, because he said the words. He actually, as much as it makes me want to throw up out of my nose. You did say the words that you come to think of my sister while you think of my sister. I did one time. While you think of my sister tentatively, by the way.

That's fine. Tentatively, definitely. I mean it... He says words. It's an honest. That's an honest thing. So I accept your apology. And your mother. Fine. What are we doing, Marcus? I'm going to jack off to your mother. You know what? Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to hear everyone's apology

and then at the end... You'll give the scores. I'll give the scores. Who's going next? And by the way, if you're a Roundtable listener and you've jacked off to Jackie Zebrowski, please let us know as well. You've never jacked off to any of the Zebrowskis. Well, I know that Sadar has jacked off to me, our good friend. Very nice.

That's really disgusting. What if you started but didn't finish? What a perverse, horrible woman. It's a man. What if you didn't finish? What's that? What if you didn't finish? What's that? What if you never finished? If I never finished what? If you started jacking off.

To Jackie? Or Henry. Or Henry. Don't tell him that. I'd rather know that. Finish. Finish. Yeah, you definitely have to finish.

Yeah, definitely. It's an insult if they can't finish. Absolutely. Absolutely. It was literally over a joke that she said that I thought was very funny. Who is our next apologist? I can't deal was very funny. Who is our next apologist? I can't deal with that anymore. Who is our next apologist?

I'm just going to go ahead and I'm going to apologize to Logan for not introducing myself to you before the show started. Oh, wow. There you go. Hi, I'm Molly. Graciously accepted. Wow, look at this. Love is in the air.

Love is in the air. Go have sex with each other. If you brought Logan home to your parents in beautiful Ohio or Iowa, would they like him? You were close and then you made it. Iowa. Yeah, my parents aren't, I don't know, they're not racist if that's what you're asking. No, no. You ever fuck the black dude that looks like Logan?

You ever do that? Not one that looks like Logan. Oh, but you have fucked a black dude. Two. Oh, wow. Now you're counting? Interesting. Like they're numbers. They don't even have names. Oh, wow. Now you're counting? Interesting.

Like they're numbers. They don't even have names. I fucked one of them and I fucked number two. She's making a quilt. That's ridiculous. She's putting a quilt together. I'm building a chain across the table. Henry, who are you doing it to? Okay.

Should be me. You? Fuck you. No, because I wouldn't be able to apologize for that because I would never sincerely apologize for shitting in your toilet. All right? Midnight. Henry did shit in our toilet. The man who shits at 2 in the morning.

And then we're like, wow, that's a weird time to shit. Oh, keto. Fuck you. I'm allowed to shit whenever I want. He's freaking out at us. I'd like to feel people shit. And then he left. Henry is at our home at 2 o'clock in the morning.

He takes a big dump. By 2.03 he's out of the bathroom. By 2.04 he's out of the apartment. No, no, no. I was there for some time. That was foul, Doug. I shat. It's the phantom dumper.

No, I'm not the phantom dumper. And your toilet doesn't work. So I say, okay, okay, okay, okay. It's fine. Apologize. No, that's not anize! I did not apologize. Just do your apology. That's unforgivable, man.

Fuck you. Fuck life. It's not accepted. I'm thankful you did it. I'm like Magneto. I don't care. I'm the Magneto with dumps. It's not accepted anyways.

You're not apologizing. Good. Good. That's bad! Alright, Marcus. Alright, I just want to apologize for saying... Marcus. I want to apologize for saying Marcus, I want to apologize truly for saying inappropriate things to you

and your girlfriend last evening. What did you say? Why is everybody apologizing to me for things I don't remember? Good, good, good. We're fine. What did you say? No, no, no. I just said something about we were all taking pictures and we were all just talking about taking nudie pictures

together in the thing and then I said I'm sorry for being inappropriate. That's fine, Henry. The shit was so much worse than that. That's the thing is that you can really never say, oh, now I remember you saying that and I remember the next thing that I said to you was you can never say anything inappropriate

to me and Nikita because you don't really give a shit. Yeah, I just wanted to apologize. We're weird people. Apology not accepted then. Apology completely accepted. Very good. Alright, good. So far, you're the only one.

I know I'm the only one. Kevin, please. Kevin, you wanted to apologize to me? Okay, yeah, man. This has been tough because I feel like I don't have much to apologize for because I believe, for the most part, me being here has enriched your lives. But... I felt the same way about what I was going to do. I will apologize to you, Ben, for being

way cooler than you and also calling you fat all the time. Now, I know that you are fat. I know that I am cooler than you, but I can't just be doing both of those things all the time so I gotta drop one of them, so I apologize for doing both. Well, I don't know how to take it because it personally hurts my feelings. Will you put the ball in his fucking court, man?

That's what it is. You're playing his ball game. It just hurts the feelings a little bit, but then again, I just respect the reasons that you apologize because that's the same way I feel about everything. It's like you've done nothing wrong. I've done nothing wrong. I've done nothing wrong. People are worse than us. But then you're better than me.

Oh, man. This is a doozy. I'm not even going to accept it, though. Yeah! Well, you know, before you even said that you weren't going to accept it, I already gave him a negative 300 because it was passive-aggressive bullshit. Yeah, passive-aggressive apology! Passive-aggressive.

That was an honest moment, man. Was it? That's about it. He was apologizing for being better than me. That was very real. That was very real. It was real. I'm trying to be a human being for once.

That's true. That's true. So what do we do? What are our totals here? I feel like I should win because mine involves love. Well, here's a... We're going to start at the bottom. Kevin.

Negative 300 because he doesn't accept it. Holden. Negative 200. Thank you. Because he doesn't accept it. I didn't accept neither of them. Yeah, he accepted nothing. I should have apologized to him.

Molly. 198. Yeah, also, nobody apologized to me. And whenever I come on this stupid show, y'all yell at me. Shut up, Molly! Shut up! Deduct your points!! Shut up! The duck points! The duck points for being a woman! Being a woman.

150. That's still a good score. Logan, 200. Just because it was to you. Just wait. Henry, 201. Alright. I accept. I guess Just wait Henry 201 I accept I guess

You haven't figured it out have you I haven't figured anything out He hasn't been listening to what you were just saying Did I win You won Wow Everyone's so happy Well I feel like one of the biggest, nicest guys around.

This is wonderful. I so rarely win. See where you created a monster. Everybody loves me. I was the funniest one today. I'm the winner at the end of the show. Molly wants to fuck me, and Kevin's so nice to me sometimes, too. That's really weird. I never said I wanted to fuck you. You don't want to fuck me, and Kevin's so nice to me sometimes, too. Oh, that's really weird.

I never said I wanted to fuck you. You don't want to fuck me? This is weird that you won. Yeah, with best moments. It kind of ruins it when I win. Everyone wants me to lose. No, he was plotting this the whole time. That's why he didn't accept nothing, because he knew if he did, whoever else was doing that would win. That's true.

This was his shit. You know what? Kevin wins. Oh, Kevin Mardin. I like that. That's true. This was his shit. You know what? Kevin wins. Oh, Kevin Barnett. I like that. What a champion. All right. Molly Neville.

Thanks for being here, Molly. Henry. Thanks for being here, Logan. Thank you very much. Logan, can you do a Bastion voice for us? What do you want me to say? Tell Kevin that you think he's a raging homosexual who loves cocks. Don't do that, man.

Do it. Do it. Think about our people, man. I can't do that. Don't do that, man. Do it. Do it. Think about our people, man. I can't do that. Don't think about your people. I can't do that. All right. Say it about me.

Say, Ben, you're a big... I'm not going to do that either because I like you. And it's not even a bad thing if it were true. Yeah, exactly. That is really... Logan's right. Exactly. It's not an insult.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Describe Molly's beautiful visage. Visage? What does she look like? What does she look like? What does she look like? Oh, she's got some nice... This is low-flying hair.

Catches the light so pretty. And she's got the piercing blue eyes. They make you think about yourself and the things you're doing. My nipple's getting hot. Her minor is really getting wet right now. This is nice. Yeah! I had to take the fall for fucking Kevin.

I don't know. Hold it, McNeely. Thanks for being here, buddy, as always. Kevin Barnett and Ben Kissel. And then I guess Eddie, you know, hope you're having fun in L.A. See you in heaven, Eddie. See you in heaven. He died.

I hope they have fucking bologna in heaven, because if not, you're going to leave and go to hell. Oh, yeah, wherever there's bologna. Fucking ice cream in his fucking pockets. He is fat. All right, that's the program. We'll talk to you soon. Molly, thank you for putting up with all of this. Last podcast on the left. Kevin's like, think about our people

and they're like, do it to the girl. Describe how beautiful the girl is. I'm sorry. That is nice. That is nice. That is a nice thing you could have said. Tried making it up to you. Rather than calling the men faggots,

you called the girl beautiful. That's very nice of you. Wow, Molly. I don't think we accept those words. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I wasn't being sarcastic. I was being serious. These hoes today,

you can't please them.