The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 106: Sushi Rumukai

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

This week on the Round Table: a serial hugger is being sought after in Missouri, a woman is attacked by a pack of raccoons, a man cuts off his surrogate father's head with a shovel, and the Round Table pitches their most unsellable movie ideas, plus Micah Sherman, Myq Kaplan, Henry Zebrowski, and John F. O'Donnell stop by.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen! And let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen.

Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Civility. gentlemen. Always civility. Are we ready? I know it's you being Ed.

Oh yeah, I'll be Ed. You want me to be Ed? No, you smell like... I'm too fat and dumb. I'm Ed. Nice job! Fuck you, Eddie! You ain't better than us, Eddie! You ain't better than us, Eddie! Alright, let me pray. Dear God who doesn't exist,

I'm sorry you don't like gay people. You're being rude to God. God's been very good to us. Oh, God. You know what, God? If I saw you in school, when I was in school, I would push you down in the street, God. Don't bully God. Jesus.

I'm praying. I guess so. All right? All your fakery and all your nunnery, all it does is just you make molesters, God. It keeps women from getting raped. You make a bunch of people dress up like X-Men for you, like with their uniforms on,

and they molest little boys. I feel like you're slowly becoming religious. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, amen. Amen. Sorry, God. That was Henry Zebrowski. Fuck you, God. Jesus, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, amen. Amen. Sorry, God. That was Henry Zebrowski. Fuck you, God. Jesus, Henry. God, man.

All right, so Henry's sitting in for Ed, and then we got, I'll tell you, a whole bunch of replacements in this podcast. It's really quite hot. I wish someone would replace us next time. It's barely the round table right now, but we're going to go with it. That's fine. Who are you that just spoke there? Hey, it's Holden, Mr. Beans.

All right. We got Micah Sherman. Micah Hey, it's Holden, Mr. Beans. All right. We got Micah Sherman. Micah Sherman, you're going to do greetings. That's good. All right. He's sitting in for Kevin Barnett. And then sitting in for Jackie Zebrowski. We have a very luscious Mike Kaplan.

Thanks for being here. Thank you. I have a vagina. And then Jackie is such a powerhouse. It took two people to replace her as well. John F. O'Donnell sitting in for Jackie. Bye. All right.

Bring in the power. Fill in the hole that she left. He's saving it. He's saving his energy. It's good. That's good. You want to harness it. No reason to start yelling.

Definitely not. You ain't better than us, Eddie. All right. I'm so fat. If somebody fucking sweatless, it would be me. All right. With us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, what's the stories this week?

A man who claims to be a serial hugger has been accused of groping and kissing women without consent. That's fine. That's the sweetest thing of all time. 36 women in Des Pierres, Missouri, have contacted police about the unwanted embraces over the past three years. I love that picture. One woman has said the man kissed her on the lips during the hug. Local press have dubbed the man

Jack the Gripper and John Wayne Embracy. John Wayne Embracy is amazing. John Wayne Embracy is my new nickname. I fucking love that. That is amazing. Everyone needs a hug sometimes. You got in trouble for hugging people without their consent.

I almost got kicked out of high school for hugging too much. Really? But I think there was some sizeism involved. I just was very large. And people said that I was too much of a hugger and I was too touchy. And then my father came into the principal's office. I'll never forget it. The only time he ever loved me.

He said, my son is retarded. Let him do it. He has downs. He's a big, dumb idiot. And he, he said that. Let him do it. He has sounds. He's a big, dumb idiot, and he doesn't cum unless he hugs. So make sure that he hugs. Otherwise, he eats all the food in the fridge. It's weird. I'm not the tallest knife in the jar, so I'm allowed to hug indiscriminately.

That's right. You see, it just sounds like a thing that always happens at like 3.30 in the morning where you just hug for like that three or four seconds way too long, you know, and like everybody wants. It's fine. You know? He's just hugging. Is he hard? He's white, 44 years old, and has brown hair.

What does that have to do with his boner? Wait, Marcus, did you think he meant like hard, like tough? I did. I thought he meant like a hard fucker. No, he's a white dude. He meant it like a penis. That does not say. The guy is a very nice fella, and he sounds like he was raised by my family. He sounds like a hard fucker. Like, no, he's a white dude. He meant it like a penis. But anywho, what I'm saying- That does not say. The guy is a very nice fella, and he sounds like he was raised by my family.

He sounds like Judah Friedlander in that Dave Matthews Band video. He's hugging smiles every day. Yeah. Every day I'm having smiles. Did you guys have to deal with, in, like, middle school dances, like, getting the pop and the big bone dancing with the hot Melinda tits in the dance floor? I have not. I'm a punch bowl. I'm a lady.

That's true. Well, Mike, I would have loved to rub my boner on you at a very young age if we were dancing together in the eighth grade Sadie Hawkins dance. Because you asked me. Thank you. I'll go with you. You're welcome. I love it.

But anyway, real quick, I just want to say shout outs to my father. My father walked into that principal's office while I was in trouble for the hug scandal, Love Fest, and he gave my principal a hug, and he said my family would hug. Isn't that nice? So my parents made me a hugger. There you go. Did your father molest you? No, he did not molest me. We took showers together. He bathed me. He bathed me.

To what age? No, no, I'm not still taking showers with him. No, daddy, I'm never clean. Answer me this, though. Did he hug the principal from behind, or was it a frontal hug? He hugged, it was a girl principal. Believe it or not. Get out of here.

He hugged her right up front, and he fucking bonafide. It was wonderful. That's the kiss away. We hug and we get boners. We'll touch in women. Well, here's this guy's method. He'd walk up to women and say, hi, remember me? I live down the street in the corner house.

How you been? He'd hug them and then walk away before they could see him. I live down the street in the corner house. How you been? He'd hug them and then walk away before they could see him. I lived down the street in the corner house. That's so creepy. That's beautiful. That's a fusion tactic. I think everything is wrong with everybody else. Maybe he just doesn't like to hug.

You know what I mean? But why does he have to lie to do it? Yeah. He's like, hey, I want to hug you. Let me hug you. I'm going to hug you. Here's your hug. Stop screaming.

You know? That's true. Because society won't allow for that. That's why. Here's your hug. Stop screaming. You know? That's true. Because society won't allow for that. That's why. That's true. That's true. Sometimes he also pretended to be a medical professional. Well, that gets a little dangerous now.

He shouldn't be pretending to be a doctor. Definitely not. He approached... Hey, you know what's good? This guy's going to do really well in prison. This is one of my favorite stories ever said on the radio. Can we get a picture of the guy? Can you move it over?

There are no pictures of the guy. What are you in for? I'm in for rape and murder. What are you in for? Hugging? I'll hug hard. He's gonna come out a worse criminal. I'll make this shit look good. He went in for hugs. He came out raping. He can not ironically get the Tupac tattoo

hug life on his fucking chest, which is really quite amazing. He approached one woman in scrubs, pretending to have met her at the hospital while his wife was giving birth. No! What a great story. Does he have a wife? No, no.

He also sometimes exploited name tags on uniforms to feign knowledge of women's names, once calling a woman named Susan, Susie. That's a good move. Hey, Susie. That's a good move. Right, Susie? That's a good move. Do I know you from somewhere? Hey, Susie, you wearing a sports bra?

I'm just joking around. Give me a hug. All right. Give me a fucking hug. Okay. So we knew each other in eighth grade, right? It gets to the heart of the fickleness of the human condition. Oftentimes, I'll sit on the subway, and I'm like,

oh, I want to kiss this person on the cheek, but I don't, and I'm the asshole? Yes. Well, a little bit. You don't, so you're not the asshole. That's true. Yeah, in France, they just do this. Yeah.

In France. You just get on the subway. They do this in France. Sir Cozy, at every single police academy graduation, he hugs all of the police. He gives little kisses. It's expected. Right on the corners of their mouth. Yeah, pick up the saliva.

But hold it, hold it. Doesn't this just get to the heart of the fact that the reality that we're not all making love at all times is wrong? That's essentially what I'm talking about. Or that we're not, yeah. Was that essentially what you're talking about? I just think, yeah, exactly. Like in France, if you order an ice cream cone, it's just a dick inside of a cone. Yeah, France is just different. Yeah, yeah. France a cone. Yeah. And you just lick on it.

Yeah, yeah. It's different. Our puritanical roots are hurting us. I think this hugger, I embrace this hugger. I agree. I agree. Apparently the police agree with you because they can't figure out whether he's actually violated any laws or not.

I don't think he has. If spreading joy and love is a violation of American laws, I'm moving to Mexico. He's breaking the law. It just depends on the motive. Is this a bone-up motive? Is it a sexual thing? Or is it just he just needs love? And if it's the story of a man needing love, that's a sellable movie

idea. It is a sellable movie. Don't talk about your fucking foreshadowing the segment. Another terrible segment by the way that Holden's very proud of that we'll get to later on in the show. He thought about it on Tuesday. I would be down with it if he was like, I just like hugging. If he wasn't being like, I'm trying

to spread love, and I know for a fact he's molesting people. But if he's just like, I like to hug, then it's just like, he likes hugging. It depends on how much blood is on his scrubs. It's ketchup. Oh, I'm sorry, I got some ketchup on your shirt.

Sorry, Susie. Good hug, though. I mean, you can't touch a person some ketchup on your shirt. Sorry, man. Sorry, Susie. Good hug, though. I mean, you can't touch a person if they don't want. Like, if you touch a person and they punch you, that's allowed, right? Like, it's like you can't enter somebody's house. If somebody comes into your house in Texas, you can get killed. I agree with that statement. But if somebody comes up and gives me a hug or a high five.

Yesterday, I was walking three foreign people in different parts of the city. When I say foreign, I mean like, they were like Swedish, Irish and then some other like English fella. Always with the high fives. Three random people were like, give me a high five. You're so large they think you're a national monument. Exactly. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Here's your high five. Boner five.

I wish I could do it every single time you say something about him being tall. So you give the high five, but if I would punch him in the face, I think now I'm the asshole. If somebody gives you a hug and you punch him in the face, you're the dick, not the hugger. If you're a lady and a man is grabbing you, then that's what's happening. I never want to be hugged by a man. I don't want to be hugged by a random man. It's like those free hugs, dudes.

You're not a random man. You're somebody I know. That's true. Plus, all of these hugs were horizontal. That's the thing. That's what it was. That's the problem. When you reach through something and slide down together.

As soon as you give him a body slam, it gets weird. They're all women, though, right? All women? All women. Here's a... Sexual. Invasion of personal space. Did you guys miss that at the beginning?

It was like, women for the past three years have been like, this man is almost raping me. I think all we heard was serial hugger. A woman at the Riverfront Times had reported this on their website, and one victim commented on the website. Here's what she said. They sent in an undercover woman to get hugged.

Just kind of sitting around looking lonely, swaying back and forth. Could get hugged right now. Several different names. It was a man. A man dressed as a woman. That's an undercover woman. She wore a ranger's jersey on, like a really awful blonde wig. Here's what she says. All I could do was stand

in shock after the hug was given because I had nothing else in mind as to what to do to get away from him. The man you're looking for has a more round face. Not skinny but not overweight. What? In his 40s and a light shade of brown and hair color. Don't know if that helps but I hope someone catches him soon. Definitely doesn't help.

Ambiguous. Also, who says light shade of brown and hair color? I feel like she wanted that. She looked at this guy and she was leaving a comment on the website. I thought it was like a broken English Chinese woman. The man you're looking for has a more round face.

He's not skinny. He's not skinny. But not overweight. That was actually a really bad Chinese accent. It's terrible. He doesn't use it. And it's like the easiest one to do. I'm not a Daniel Day.

Is that an easy one? Yeah, let's all go around the circle. I'm not going to do it because it's offensive. That was offensive, though. Why are you going? And also very accurate. Sushi Rumukai! Jesus Christ.

It's fine. That's fine. Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for Holden. So racist, Holden is. I want him off the show immediately. Love you, normal length of time time. I love Sushi Rumukai. I love Sushi rumakai. It's really good. Sushi rumakai.

Hold it. If I was a large fella peppery brown hair and I came up and I hugged you and you were an Asian woman, how are you reacting? Oh, this is so good. But this is so bad. He got hair like a round face and more skinny. He has a round face. You're so round face. give me more hug wog.

Round face just sounds like a Native American slur for white people. I think it was. It's true. It's very positive. This feels so wrong to do, yet me like to do. Me right when he hug me. We have to end this, what's happening here. Jesus Christ.

God damn it. Are we still the first news story? It's still the first news story Let's move to the second one Can we talk Yeah more boner If you've Has anyone danced with a woman

And gotten a boner Yeah Okay what was that situation Like for you I had a boner And then she felt it I had She was my girlfriend at the time

Oh okay so that was allowed Yeah man it got sexy Did you get it Fuck yeah Well that's different That's fine I'm talking about the boner you get I remember I was backstage

At a play And Debbie Hyde Oh my, you're so sexy. Debbie Hyde. Is she still around? She sat on my lap, but she was wearing a backless leather shirt. What S&M play were you doing? It was great. It was a cowgirl costume kind of thing, and she sat, and I boned up, and she definitely got up.

Of course, man. It was like the high school performance of Coyote Ugly or something. We actually had to write our own play that year, so we wrote a old western bar scene just so we could get breakable bottles and have a bar fight. The play was called

Barney the Boner Detective. You got a boner. Oh, bonafide. He's bonified. Who's boned? Guys, before we move on to the next story, can I just say that I think that hug jokes are never funny, and I'm really upset with all of you guys. I'm with you.

I'm sorry. A big apology. I'm sorry. Well, you know what? I hope you get hugged by five fucking dudes. I'm going to take this job and hug you, man. Yo, Larry, so it would be if five dudes came in here and hugged him right now. Just hug him, dude.

Just fucking hug him. Awesome, man. Fucking blog. He's about to blog. This is a room full and hugged him right now. Just hug your dude. Just fucking hug your ass, man. Fucking blog. He's about to blog. This is a room full of people. There are people who could hug me here. I don't appreciate this. Well, that's fine.

I'm fine. That's fine. I think that people might hug me now. There are people everywhere. I thought it was a fine performance. One in six women get hugged randomly in the street. You never know. Will you be the next lucky girl?

Oh, I want you to apologize on Twitter. Oh, man. Michael Sherman, welcome to the racist race. This is such a good segment. This is really good. Seriously, top five news stories. It's like a very great sellable movie idea. Jesus Christ.

Anyway, all right. I had one boner in eighth grade, but I was very proud of it. And she danced with me very close. It was to Leonard Skinner's Free Bird. I got a big seven minute song. Hey, how do you slow dance once it goes into like the solo and she'll fast. You fast slow dance with your fucking big old dick.

Anyway, alright Marcus. I'm sure there's another story out there. A woman has revealed her horrific injuries after she was attacked by a pack of raccoons who knocked her to the ground and bent chunks out of her skin while she was walking her dog. Gruesome images show the scores of deep gashes covering Michelle Lee's arms and legs that each needed staples, injections, and treatments against rabies. Yeah, I was about to say, it was a rabie raccoon, right? The 28-year-old sustained the lacerations when her dog chased several raccoons up a tree in Fort Steliakum Park in Lakewood, Washington. Whoa, Coon Park?

Yeah, Steliakum. Oh, okay. After he got loose. I know, I'm like freaking out about this segment because Coon's going to start getting flying around. All right, you say it. Well, now it is. I didn't even thought that except for you. Immediately.

I just love to find out. I admit it's racist break. I remember it's the same gang that dress up as leprechauns, the midget gang that beat up that other guy. Well, I don't know. Take a look at this woman's wounds here. Hot shit. Holy Christ.

Who doesn't want to get hugged by a bunch of raccoons? What's the problem here, guys? God, it looks like Ed Guillen actually got a hold of her. Yo, that is a wound waiting to happen if I've ever seen one. Yeah, I want to stick my dick in it. They chased her 75 feet before knocking her to the ground and biting her. It is common. 75 feet.

I would have loved to see this. How many raccoons were there? I feel like 75 feet is shorter than I think it is. It is. I, too, was like, 75 feet? It's like 10 tall dudes. All the way to California from New York. But the thing is, the first thing you've got to know is,

when you're getting attacked by a group of raccoons, this is the first thing you learn when you're in raccoon defense school. You've got to spin around with your arms out. You've got to make a hurricane punching moment. And when they come at you, you kick with your legs and you punch forward with your hands. Do you make a sound or anything? It's good to be wearing bells. It's important to wear some bells. Raccoons are afraid of bells.

You just want to sound like a convenience store opening all the time. If that happened to you, I feel like if that happened to me, I'd be like, seriously? Raccoons? This is how I'm going to die? This is absolutely insane. She says, I was trying to run to a neighbor's front door, but the raccoons were between my legs and they tripped me and I fell.

They were on top of me, just biting at my arms and legs and sides. I was just trying to not let them get to my face. That's good. She did protect her face. Actually, that's true. She did it better than the monkey woman. Yeah. Because the monkey went right for her face.

The monkey got her ears and got her nose and got her lips. If you got 15 raccoons that are about to gnaw at your eyes and swallow them down, there was a couple of them there. A pack. Or one domesticated ape. Six. Six pack of raccoons. If you get a pack of Reese's, there's two in there.

A backpack is only one. It only has one back. So there's one raccoon. But it's a giant raccoon. I think that's a tough question, though. I feel like I could take three rabid raccoons. I don't know. Raccoons are pretty big.

Well, what do you think? Getting attacked by one gigantic rabid raccoon or one tiny rabid monkey? A giant rabid raccoon. I think I'd take the monkey. I would rather do the raccoon, yeah. The giant takes the monkey. I would rather do the raccoon. But yeah, what do you think?

What? You have a feeling. You have a feeling. Hold on. What's the size of this monkey? No, I mean. Can you step on it? No, the monkey is big.

A monkey is a monkey, and a raccoon is a raccoon. It's not crazy tiny. It's like a spider monkey. He made like a baby-sized monkey. Oh, but no, you can't. No, no, no. It doesn't matter because a monkey is still going to be stronger than a rabbit. A rabbit lemur or

a man in a raccoon costume. Who has rabies? Are we playing the ultimate predator? He's the apex predator. You put any man in a raccoon suit, even a rabbit suit. I'm saying if a raccoon is the size of a man, he's either a man in a raccoon

costume or he has the intelligence of a man. I think that's indisputed. That's the thing. And he's also colorblind, which makes him mad. That's the thing, because you never tell what buttons are the send or the cut buttons on a cell phone. I would just go up to that man in a raccoon costume and give him a big hug. You know, let him know. Get a boner.

You're the serial hugger. You're the serial hugger. This is the problem. That's why they can't find him. You're in New York. I'm righter. You're the serial hugger. I absolutely love you. You're the serial hugger. That's right. This is your problem. That's why they can't find him. You're in New York. I'm right here. Come to think of it, Ben did give me a hug today.

You hugged me first, though. He hugged me four times in the first 15 minutes that we were around each other. Do you think her husband, is this chick married? No, she's single. No, I was saying her ex-husband hired a pack of raccoons to assassinate her. She's single now. She's gross after all those raccoons got to her. That is a great way to assassinate somebody.

That's the thing. If you can control any rodent, what rodent do you want to control? You got your mice. You got your rats, raccoons. Badgers are also legal. Badgers. Great show. I was going to say snakes, but if we're doing rodents.

Yeah, otters. Otters are good. Because you want to rub their bellies. You can control every one of one kind of species? I think you only get one kind of species. No, no, no. Let's say that you have to be in their direct vicinity. You know what?

Okay, so it's a radius thing. It's a radius. It's like Animal Man. I'll tell you what. I'm going to go back. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, man. I want to be the rat king. I want to live in the sewer and control the rats, baby.

Willard, all right. Willard. I mean, I guess otters would be fine to control, but are otters dangerous at all? Oh, they're mean. Are they? Yeah, they're the worst. Well, they're surly. They're not mourning animals. You know, like.

Marcus, can you get some otter info for us? Yeah, sure. Of course I can. They're just water things, right? If you're not in the water, then an otter can't get you. Right, right. Well, that's true. They're not very functional on land? If you're not in the water, then an otter can't get you. Right, right. Well, that's true. They have to be on the land, though.

They're not very functional on land. They don't know that. Yeah, they have short legs. If you control the otters, you can pick one up out of the water and throw it at a person. Yeah, that's true. You can do that even if you don't control otters. Yeah, you could just do that. I'm not sure if you can actually do that, though, but that's fine.

Yes. Technically, you did control it the time you were throwing it. That's true. It's made it for you. Under no circumstances is this recommended No no no don't touch otters We have a lot of gullible listeners Don't try to control otters at home

Yeah definitely So raccoons look like bank robbers that's kind of cool Yeah that's true So this chick is going to live though she's going to be alright Oh she's fine and I don't know if otters are mean or not I do know that a female otter is also called a bitch. Is that a word? Yeah.

Good to know. That's what's great about it. Because then if you control them all, you can just be like, bitches rise! Bitches kill! Guys, we have a really good opportunity now. If we think a woman's a bitch, we can be like, oh, look at that fucking female otter. Yeah, that's a good point. Female otter.

If you call somebody a female otter, it means she's a bitch. If you're afraid of a lady, you can definitely call her that. It's also really good for a sixth grader to know when they want to say bitch, but they can't. You know, if you're like, female otter, and everyone can titter. Otter is also a slang

term that gay men use to describe other men I myself am described as An otter Tall, not necessarily Not twink, but not bear But tall and slender Like an otter A tall twink

You're an otter in the gay community? In the gay community, I am an otter I'm known as an army stiletto Oh, very nice, I can see it What am I in the gay community? In the gay community, I am an otter. I'm known as an army stiletto. Oh, very nice. I can see it. That's my gay nickname. What am I in the gay community, Marcus? A furry.

I'd say you're like a mink. I'm like a koala bear. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a koala bear. You're like a bobcat. Yeah, yeah. That's nice. Goldwaite?

Yeah. You're like a bobcat. No, no, no. He's straight as an arrow. You can't even use that as a gay euphemismism because that's how fucking hard his dick is for chicks. I do like that Bobcat Goldquist. I'm with Henry on this one. He said bitch.

Give us another story, Marcus. All right, let's go for a murder story. A tattoo artist has been arrested for allegedly killing the man who brought him up and decapitating his corpse with a shovel. Henry James Baxter lived in a bizarre menage a trois with his victim, Irman Thompson, and Mr. Thompson's wife, Ashley, in Nashville, Tennessee. He has now confessed to killing the man who treated him as a son after a fight over Mrs. Thompson last Sunday. We're going to play a game here.

The game here is, if you look at the screen, which one is the murderer? Oh, wow. That's almost impossible. And we're going to post these up on the Facebook page, too. Which one is the murderer? One looks like Adrian Brody if he got addicted to meth. The guy in the Tim Dean looking one with the beard. With the big beard and the eyes.

I will say it's bizarre. So they were all fucking one dude's wife, and he treated him like a son. That just seems close to me. They were all fucking her? God damn. She could do way better. Yeah, she could do better. She's got a really bad case of Tennessee forehead.

She can do slightly better. All right, so yeah, describe these fellas here. I mean, you know, the one guy there, he looks like he's got a Donald Trump-like toupee, the guy on the right, but it's not quite as expensive. One looks like he's got a Donald Trump toupee, the guy on the right, but it's not quite as expensive. Meth, though. I think meth immediately. He looks like the skinny guy from the... You know the fat guy, skinny guy in the Ernest movies?

Yes. He looks like that, and the guy with the beard looks like a homicidal version of the guy from Savvy Fav. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who is the murderer? Which one would you rather be having sex with, though?

That's the major question. The one on the left. Probably the one with the burly fella. He looks like a good hugger. I gotta go with the guy who shaves. You gotta go with the guy who shaves. Stubbles worse than a beard. Stubbles scratchy.

Can I shave either one of them? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you shave them? No, I don't think you can shave them. I think it's an as-is situation. A guy like that? He's not gonna listen to you. Can you shave him? No, I don't think you can shave him. I think it's an as-is situation. Yeah, it's as-is. For a guy like that? He's not going to listen to you. Can one be a lady?

No. I mean, you never know. Yeah, the guy on the right can be a lady. Yeah, let's say. Okay, so the guy on the right has a vagina. If you chop off a guy's dick, he's a lady, right? That's true. By definition, yeah.

There's nothing else about her. Legally, if you get your dick chopped off, you become a lady. That's what we did with you before you came in here. That's right. True story, but I have a regener a lady. That's what we did with you before you came in here. That's right. True story, but I have a regenerative penis. He's got the Wolverine of nuts. So which one is the murderer? I'm going to go with the guy on the left.

I'm going to go with the right. I'm going with the guy on the right. It is the man on the left. The man on the left. That is the bearded fellow. The bearded fellow. Baxter, 37, had been close with Mr. Thompson, 48, since he was a child, and the pair had a father-son relationship.

More recently, they lived in the same house along with Mrs. Thompson and her three children. Oh, there's three kids involved? Two of the children had been fathered by Mr. Thompson, while the other was Baxter's child. Last week, according to a police report, the two men started arguing over the woman they both loved, and after the row became heated, Baxter shot Mr. Thompson in the head with the victim's own gun. All three children were present in the house. The gunman hid the body in a garbage can

and began trying to dig a grave in the house's backyard. When Mrs. Thompson became suspicious, Baxter told her he was burying a dead dog, but she says she did not believe him. Good, she's smart. On Monday... Because the dog was there, like, licking her hand. I don't think that's the dog.

No, we definitely have two dogs. I don't think so. One dog is alive. On Monday, the killer used a shovel to cut off Mr. Thompson's head from his body, left the head in the garbage, and dumped the body in a nearby field. An off-duty mailman discovered the decomposing corpse on Thursday. He was just skipping his route, and he told them he was taking the day off. This was after noticing a foul smell pervading the area.

This whole situation is self-contained. Why can't you go to the hardware store and get a knife? Why are you burying it in your backyard? Don't leave his head. The head's the most important part to get rid of. Why are you and your surrogate father fucking the same

person? That's a good question. Why is that even your relationship? And why is the victim's name Ermin, which means otter? Did you guys know that? It's absolutely insane. Well, this is a great place. Where did this take place? This was in Missouri.

Again, the hug place. That's where the hugs was happening. No, no, no, no. Wait, never mind, never mind. Sorry, sorry. Tennessee. Makes much more sense. Knoxville or something.

Nashville. But I think this is a good pro-American story. I don't think they should arrest this guy. The entire situation has been calmed. The man who needed to die is now dead. You remember in Afghanistan, we were talking about that story the other day where these two fellas loved a chick and they shot her in the head nine times with a goddamn gun.

These guys did it right. You shoot the man and you get the wife. This guy shouldn't go to jail. He just won the war. This just sounds like real world Tennessee. This is nice. This is where the episodes would come from. This sounds and looks like meth, though.

It does sound... If it smells like meth and looks like meth, you're going to have a great Sunday. That's what they say. Yeah, you just... These are decisions made by freebasing. This is someone you brought up as your son, and then all of a sudden you're like,

you know what I'm going to do? Remove his head with a shovel. Well, he was trying to bury him. He shot him in the head. Oh, you realized what he was trying to do. There's way more effective ways of accomplishing your goals. It's not the best way to do it.

Father-son fights are very common. God sent Jesus here and then he's dead. Oedipus killed his father. It's a very... That's the only reason you birth a child is so eventually they will kill you. So you don't have to be an old man. Exactly.

I love it. Okay. So this guy did it wrong. This guy didn't even birth this guy, though. He found him. He found him and then the dude ends up cutting his head off with a shovel. He found him inside of an egg and he sat on him for seven weeks. That's true. He found him inside of an egg and he sat on him for seven weeks. That's true.

He found him. The dude ends up cutting his head off with a shovel, but not before he fucks his wife and has a kid with her. But they agreed to be agreed on that. They were fine with the whole I don't think he was fine with it. You know what? I'll tell you what. The son wasn't fine with it. The father loved it.

It just sounded like you sit down and he's just like Alright. I'll give you a turn at Betty. All right, I know what you want. A body needs. A body done crave. But you got to know, you turn around, you make love to your new mommy woman.

You ain't never going to be right with me, my son, my little baby boy. That's right. The guy who's like 34 years old. Sure thing, daddy. The creepiest thing I've ever heard. Oh, Daddy, I ain't gonna kill you after I fuck Ma. I feel like you belong in a redneck neighborhood down south, man.

You would have done so well. You do. You would have done real well on the south side of Rochester. Still, they both looked about the same age, right? No, the one dude is much younger. He had the full beard. Healthy. He's 37.

The other one's 48. The other one looks so much like a murderer, but the reason that I thought it was the one on the left was because he was younger. Yeah, the one on the left is the killer, right? He's got fearless eyes. Yeah, and he's also the son. The guy on the right looks like the actor that played Robert

Crumb in American Splendor. Right. Do you think they ever fucked her together? Probably. They probably came in her together and they just had their semen race. They called it touching snakes. That's right. One thing I cannot deal with is those DP situations

in the pornography films. It's always disgusting. No, it's gross. Why are two dicks balls sort of flopping on each other? That's disgusting. I just want to see a video of that. It's just balls just kind of flopping on each other. That's disgusting. I'm sure. I just want to see a video of that. It's just balls just kind of flopping on each other. You said it's funny. Do you look for comedy in your life?

Yeah, definitely. I mean, when that's going on, definitely. Yeah, it's always good for a laugh. It's like watching a whole new animal being created. Have you guys seen what I've been doing lately? I've been jerking off lately, but thinking about philosophy and stuff. Alright, don't. No, no, no, no, no. We're not going to get into that. When the penises are touching, right?

Their penises are touching. They've got to be thinking about something else because there's a whole lot going on. They're thinking about how much cocaine they've been doing and how much more cocaine they've been doing. They have to get their feet up on the couch leg so they can see their gundernen from underneath. Which is the taint.

They're angling their balls. Gundernan. From underneath. So they're... Which is the taint, yeah. They're like trying to... They're angling their balls. Gundernan? Yeah. That's not... It's like a paper mill company. You can make up any name you want for that. Yeah.

It doesn't have to be taint. That's like a combination of garden and grundle. Yeah, garden and grundle. The garden grundle. Guys, I have a serious question. Grundle land. It's a bunderland. Does double penetration, does that have to mean in the same hole,

or could it be one in the front and one in the back? No, no, it's almost impossible to do it in the same hole. It's not. I said almost. It's almost impossible to fuck a baby's nose. It's not. I'm so sorry. I got the fucking math question wrong.

Usually it's ass and vagina when we talk about DP. But it could be both vagina. It could be both vagina. But if it is, here's a little known fact, if it is a double penetration into just one hole, usually it is the anus because the anus is more elastic. Right, and it's called the BOGO hut. I know, I love that place. How is the anus more elastic than the vagina that shoots babies out?

I don't know. When was the last time you took a shit the size of a baby? Well, today was a nightmare. I literally did have a bad dumper today. We're at a brunch with a bunch of ladies. All girls. They did not like Daniel Tosh's comments. I learned so much about comedy festivals.

No, they're great. I love it when a bunch of gals get together and start talking. Yeah! It's always so fun. It's always so fun to fake an illness and go lay down in your girlfriend's bed.

This is why it doesn't work as well because we're all white men. I know. I just feel like we're the people that this same shot like 20 years from now we will look like the dudes

that are making all the decisions in the country. Right. We're the same small back rooms. We are never going to win. I'll say as the lady here, I didn't love what he said. I mean, he can say whatever he wants.

The funniest thing is, you got it all wrong, because if you were replacing Jackie, like, Jackie thought that was the punchline of the year. Yeah, that's a problem. Five dudes are going to rape you. She's like, oh, I thought it was gorgeous.

She's a little pro-rape. I think it made logical sense, what he said, but I could see being sad about it. Anyway. Yeah. We're not talking about it. This is not that type of show I could see being sad about it. Anyway. Yeah. We're not talking about it. This is not that type of show.

We're not talking about Daniel. Everyone's doing great. Women, you're very funny. Everyone loves you. Everyone loves everybody. But I will say, this woman, this gal, she must be sort of honored. You know, somebody was killed in her name, beheaded even. I mean, that's kind of nice.

She loves it, dude. She says that Mrs. Thompson told News Channel 5 that she knew about the killing from Monday, but did not go to police because she was, quote, scared half to death of what her lover might do. Puss in hurt too much. She said she was, quote, very, very angry and sad about the brutal murder. The victim's wife insisted she had nothing to do with her husband's death, saying, I love my husband. We had our ups and downs, but every marriage does.

Well, no, not every marriage adopts a son who is 30 years old and then gangbanks. That's kind of abnormal. Are you in every family? No, I am not. I know, I know. They can do their thing. You are in every family. I am not in every family.

Oh, that was mistaken. No, I know. I get it all the time. Who's that six foot seven chubby boy over there eating dinner with us? He's in every family. Hey, guys. Hey, Ma. Hey, Dad.

Hey, guys. So when do I get to fuck Mom? No, in our family, we don't fuck Mom. We fuck our principal. Our kid's principal. All right. Just follow me. All right.

All right. Well, that's great. I mean, women are the only people who get, like, that sort of reward. She literally, back in the day, that man would have presented that head to her

as if she was a king. And she would have said, look what I did for you. I murdered the competition. That is like, that is like a medieval elopement. Yeah. It's like showing up

with the wife of the, the head of the dude that's supposed to be your husband. Fuck OKCupid. Fuck eHarmony. That's the way it should still be done. You show up with

the head of their current boyfriend, now you're the new boyfriend. The new website, OKThor. OKThor, it's great. OKThor, don't kill me. That's the follow-up. I like meat and whores. OKMedusa? Dislikes. No blood.

And not war. By the way, on a slightly different subject than Medusa. I don't know. He has a... Dislikes. No blood. And not war. By the way, on a slightly different subject than Medusa, Ursula. Did you see that controversy? They thinned her down for this latest Disney installment. No.

Everyone's very upset. I love big fat Ursula. God damn it. I used to be sexually charged by her. What? Ursula. Big old tits, man. Extremely mean.

They're remaking it? Or what's that? Well, there's an action figure with a thin Ursula, and they're going to relaunch the thing, but I think it's just for TV or right to DVD. So that if kids watch that movie and see the ugly, evil, fat thing as a role model, they're like, oh, I don't want to. Kids are already too obese, obviously. We already got one Mike and Molly, all right?

We don't need more than that fat people on television. That's right. And they went back and they retouched the Drew Carey show. They got Mimi Bobeck out of there. It's replaced with that... What's the name of it? What? I don't know.

I'm so drunk. No, no, it's fine, Micah. Don't you fucking boing me. I'm sorry. Don't boing me. Okay, let's redo it. They went back to the Drew Carey show. They retouched it.

They got rid of that Mimi Bobeck. Next news story. What? I'm telling you. There's going to be good there. And then think of a thin actress. And they replaced her with Catherine Heigl. And they replaced her with Catherine Heigl.

A woman pleaded guilty. High five. Any actress is a skinny actress. Yes, okay, that's fine. It doesn't matter. We'll just call it good. A woman pleaded guilty to performing sex. Jessica Biel.

Okay, no. Yeah! Yeah! That's good. That's'll just call it good. A woman pleaded guilty to performing sex. Jessica Biel. Okay, no. Yeah! Yeah! That's good. That's good. That's a good one. To replace Mimi Bobeck. I love that joke.

I like that. I like her. Okay, Bobeck. Okay, it doesn't matter. From my hometown, by the way. Oh, good. All right. A woman pleaded guilty.

I thought you were from every town. It doesn't matter. That's why she's from my hometown. All right. Can we please? A woman pleaded guilty to performing sex acts on her dog while her husband filmed it and posted it to a fetish website. What did he plead guilty to?

You'll find out. That makes me guilty. Child pornography. You're guilty of child pornography possession? Because this guy is. I never said that. I never fucking said that You definitely did Dogs and kids are totally different

Absolutely What's the problem here? Dogs love their owners Dana Kintz, 28, from St. Louis Called police to her home on March 12th To report that her partner, Sean Ingram, 37 Had punched and slapped her When they arrived, police found child pornography images

and images of sex acts involving the couple's dog. On Ingram's cell phone, the dog has since run away. Oh, the dog ran away! Oh, I hope it found a big stuffed pig to play with or something nice. How weird was that dog for the family that found that dog? Exactly. Take a minute. Why is he on his back all day?

Why is he licking my pussy? Yeah, why is he licking my pussy? And here is a picture of the couple. Oh. Hell yeah. He's got a very round face. Yeah. He's round, but he's not skinny.

And he's... At least it was their dog. Yeah. You know, and it wasn't just somebody else's dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At least you don't dog Is that better? Yeah, yeah, yeah You don't fuck a stranger's dog How many times a year do you think an owner Sucks his or her dog's penis? One time a year

Only on it's birthday You have to suck it off on it's birthday It's just kind If you make a birthday cake for your dog You suck it sick sometimes People are obviously like Look, the style is named after this He wants it to happen If you make a birthday cake for your dog on his birthday, you also are going to suck his dick every now and then. People are obviously like, look, the style is named after this. He wants it to happen.

I like that you said it was going to be the dog's on his back as though that's... We're doing it missionary style like good Christians here, dog. The thing is you can also just put a little hat and a shirt in a dog and call it a little boy as well. You can do that and get it all in there. That's funny. I know. I've met your son, Chippers. I know what that's like.

Good boy, isn't he? It's so creepy. Your eyes got so terrified. You can just see Henry's fucking omelet eyes right there. Also, can you imagine fucking a little boy dressed as a dog? Guys, I think this is what's clear. If you're going to fuck a dog, you have to at least pretend it's an adult. Okay, good.

That's a good point. Look, this dog, if the dog is more than one, that's like 21 in human. We're going to go get some beers after this. Yeah, put him in a little college graduation outfit. If you're three years or older, then you can fuck it and give it booze. Yeah. Holden, how are you seducing a dog? I was going to say, you build a little cubicle in your living room, you know?

Like it's going to work? Like it's going to work. I just love that leave it totally played in with your train of thought. How do you seduce a dog? I'm just saying. So you build a cubicle. I just really hate people who dress their dogs up in cubicles. Yeah, I just dress my dick up like a bone. That'm just saying. So you build a cubicle. Like you do with women. Yeah, I just dress my dick up like a bone.

That's a good idea. But, I mean, really though, they're going to prosecute this chick for getting... Oh, he's working the knuckle. Yeah, it's so gross. It's just so disgusting. I just feel like they're so... It's one of the grossest...

It doesn't matter. He's a good man. He eats a lot. Okay, so the thing is, this woman is now... The cops are upset with her for getting her pussy eaten by a dog. Her name is Kintz. Kintz told police her partner had forced her to wear

a dog collar and mask and engage in the sex acts with the dog. Oh my god, so he did. She said she was forced to do it. Greyhound. Fifty Shades of Greyhound. It's just so funny. They're going back to the Drew Carey show. They're going to take Mimi Bobeck out of it.

No, shut up. You already did a good job. You don't need to bury it with your bullshit. Fifty Shades of Greyhound. I like that you initiated a clap for yourself after that. Yeah, I have to. No one supports me. So she literally dressed the dog up like a... He dressed her up like a dog to fuck the dog?

Yeah. This is what you said. It is kind of what I said. It was the opposite of what I said. But sort of like it. But she said officials found her to be a willing participant. I mean, she must have been. So what are they charging him with?

Are they charging him with the child porn? Child porn is the worst out of this whole thing. That's the biggest thing. Yeah. Yeah, they kind of gloss over that. But how old is the dog? Because if the dog is a child, then that's bad too. Yeah.

It's old enough to run away. Yeah. Can I ask you something, Marcus? If the dog is into the humans making love to them, isn't that kind of cool? Isn't it just like, oh, I'm a cool enough dog? Well, you can't really ask the dog. There are bestiality websites. I mean, if the dog runs away, then you're like, oh, the dog didn't like it.

That is clear. Oh, yeah, but if he's sticking around looking at you. Then you're into it, yeah. Sucking up semen through a straw. A horse that gets to make love to a beautiful human woman. Isn't that just like the biggest pimp horse in America? I mean, it is a big pimp horse. I want to know if this dog gurgled the semen like porn stars do.

I think the dog got a taste of human and was like, you know what? I'm going to go get some strange. Yeah. That's true. That's true. He goes to his swingers lounge sitting there with a leather hat on. We got one more story. But what's creepier, though?

If you met somebody who was a pedophile or a dog fucker, by societal standards, which one do you think is worse? Pedophile. Always. So you would hang out with a dog fucker before? Question the dog fucker. There was a great episode of Loveline where a dog fucker called in

and they spent the entire episode talking to this guy. And what was the Corolla Dr. True advice? He was very like, this is what I do. I met a lot of people online. We have the same kind of interest and bestiality. My dog's a slut. Get an ass for it. Yeah, it's like, I'll just walk and titter tot around with a plump little butt.

I love my dog. Dogs will hump a lot of things that aren't just other dogs. They do. If a dog starts humping you and you put your vagina or butt in the way and it keeps doing it, then that is much more fine than holding a dog down and doing it. And he said that that's what the dog would do. He was like, the dog would present itself to me. It would get down on its hunch and stick its fucking ass out at him.

And he'd fucking go in. He'd fucking let, you know. He was like, it's very consensual. The other week I watched a Vice documentary about people in Columbia who have sex with donkeys. Oh, isn't that something? Oh, donkey shows. Donkey fuckers. No, it's not a show.

Oh, it's just what they do. No, no, no. It's like the young teenage boys When they come into their sexuality They practice Their sexuality is a donkey They name their donkey sexuality And it's like widely accepted

It's not like a It's like a taboo Yeah it was accepted God damn it What are you trying to say to us I love that Marcus is trying to Like a taboo. Yeah, it was accepted. And people... God damn it. If people say... What are you trying to say to us right now, Marcus? I know, I love that Marcus is trying to skirt around the defense of animal fucking. I feel like Marcus is about to lie to us.

No, I haven't really... Yeah, when he tells us that he hasn't fucked a cow. Okay, okay. So, what I'm saying is... What am I trying to say here? Big old hips all swerving around. Anyways, I fucked a donkey once. Next news story.

Next story. Well, kinda fucked a donkey once. Next news story. Well, kinda. Whenever people say, like, oh, in Colombia, they do this thing where the kids fuck donkeys, like, oh, that's fine, it's very progressive. But when I say we fuck cows in Texas, everyone gets all weird. I don't think anybody thought that was progressive in Colombia.

I don't think it's ever progressive. Here's what's weird about fucking a cow, is if you put a leather mask on it, then it's like, hey, this is all I already... They're made of... It's gross. It's like fucking a human with a human skin on. It's not...

Wait a second. Double dipping. It's inappropriate. How many bestiality folks engage in bondage at the same time? I'm not sure. Yes. Strapping a cow down to a table and sucking its dick.

I bet it's the majority. I taught nibbles how to tie me to the chair and then it gave me the most sensuous blowjob. God, I wish that was book four of fucking Fifty Shades of Grey. I just love that there's a bunch of people

working at their IT jobs listening to this right now. Just be like, if I look to my left, they're gonna know I'm listening to this. I'm gonna get fired for sure. That's the thing. It's like, I also like, you can sort of force a... I bet if you fuck a cow in its ass, it doesn't even feel it. It doesn't even know that you're fucking it. Yeah, you're just like fucking it.

I think the big thing is teaching a cow how to give like an amazing blowjob. I think that would be hard. It'll bite your dick right off. Is it? No, that's a... Tongue is too sandpaper. It's like a cat's tongue. Yeah, my dad tried doing it.

Really fucked up his dick bad. He really did. His dad did. Marcus Parks' father got his dick sucked by a cow. But then Marcus Parks' father said, didn't love it. What the fuck? Creepy. Those are the facts. You know that pause that pause that happened that pause that happened those are that's where we that is a regurgitation of facts guys that

is a moment i'm telling you that's what happened i didn't make it up marcus you fucked a cow no his father that his dick sucked By a cow When he was a kid When he was a child So he was fine He was dressed like a dog So it was no big deal

Why Why is Marcus's dad Not on this podcast Every day I don't know Because he lives in Texas And he hates people Yeah that's the thing

Is it Well we know Is it Loves cows though Loves cows If you Cow man If you are fucking a cow Is it Loves cows If you're a cow man If you are fucking a cow Is it slightly less disgusting

If you use a lambskin condom? If you use a condom while fucking a cow It's a little bit more earthy Well, it's really disgusting If when you're finished You put it in a pan Fry it Can a human give an animal AIDS via sex?

I don't think so No I mean, monkeys did it to us So probably at some level. Not through sex, but they can through hypodermic needles. As soon as you start sharing heroin with your fucking donkey,

that's not good. You're down and out. Ian Elmer just loves heroin. Do people ever get cows high on heroin? I don't know. We'll try it. And now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. All right. Well, I feel like what we just talked about is the most unsellable movie idea.

Yeah, this is it. This is it. So we're pitching unsellable movie ideas to the movie mogul, Marcus Parks. Hello. I will go first, Marcus. I control this industry. All right. You're freaking me out a little bit.

Can I have some water? No! Ah, goddamn right. Pitch me a movie! Okay, fine. This movie, it's a BFF buddy movie between two pedophiles. So they start sharing, like, child porn online, and they become buddies, and there's the funny montage.

They're very bad at, like, getting a kid, though. So there's the fun montage of them dressing up as, like, magicians and stuff, and trying to get a child, and they can't do it. And then by the end of the movie they finally they work together and they get it the strong enough bond and they finally get a kid and they just fucking blast it so full of fucking horrible fucking jizz and you know

what the fuck kind of movie is this? they walk away and at the end they realize that they love each other and love the child so much and you know they're ready to you know move on with their lives together. It's going to be like Paul Rudd and like... Oh, yeah.

Paul Rudd and... What's his name? Mimi Bobeck? Mimi Bobeck. No, it's going to be Paul Rudd and Nicole Kidman as a man. Yeah. Good, good. Oh, Glenn Close.

That's very nice. Directed by Todd Sollins. It's going to be great. And it all takes place in an elevator. This is really good. An incredibly heartwarming film. That does sound unsellable. It's not right be great. And it all takes place in an elevator. This is really good. An incredibly heartwarming film. That does sound unsellable. It's not right for Paramount.

Go down to our offices in the IFC area. Does it have a name? Yeah, Pet-A-Friendship. Pet-A-Friendship. Okay, well, I like the movie. Let's work on the name. Okay, Pet-A-Feel-Ya, bro. Pet-A-Feel-Ya, bro.

Like, I feel ya, bro. Pet-A-Feel-Ya. Oh, Pet-A-Feel-Ya, bro. Like, I feel ya, bro. Pedophilia. Oh, pedophilia is good. Yeah, I thought that was good. How about two dudes fuck kids? Yeah, two big dicks fuck fat, dumb kids. Mic up! Good logline.

Pedophile it under F for friendship. Yay! Okay, so thanks for seeing me today. No problem. I don't want to take up too much of your time. Please don't. Remember Yakov Smirnoff? Yeah, a little bit.

Kind of. We can't get him, but the script is based on his one-man show that he's perfected over the past 15 years in Branson, Missouri. Okay. All right. It stars a Dakota Fanning lookalike. Do you have the lookalike. Do you have the lookalike already booked? No, but we are going to audition across the greater Minnesota area.

You'll find one. And hopefully we'll find our Yakov. Yeah. I think that sounds like a great movie idea. I actually couldn't see that. I couldn't see that. Sir, that is much more sellable than Pedophrens? Yeah!

That is much more sellable. I feel you on that one. Pedophile and Under Friendship is really good. Pedophile and Under Friendship. Pedophile and Under Friendship. Pedophile and Under Friendship. You still made the best title. Oh, yeah.

The story is about how Yakov Shmerlov likes to buttfuck with a penknife. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I forgot. That takes a little bit. I forgot what podcast that was on. I thought we were just going for unsellable movies. No, no, no.

No, no. Okay, yeah, yeah. Penknife. Penknife. I like it. I like it a lot. Ben. Okay, yeah, penknife.

Penknife. I like it. I like it a lot. Ben. Mine has been an old-timey writer back in, let's call them 1600s or so. He loved to fuck on men and do things like that, and he penned a lot of words that were just like, I love your cock and stuff like that. It's great. It's good.

It's really good. Yeah. And it's like if Deuce Bigelow male gigolo met an asshole, that's what it is. You're just saying words. Deuce Bigelow male gigolo. Boy, you knew about this since Tuesday. I don't think about ideas. I will say, and then the whole thing is a love story.

He falls in love with a man, and the man doesn't love him back, and then the man gets married, and then he's just alone, and he dies a sad death surrounded by cats, and it's called William Shakespeare. So that's kind of good. William Shakespeare is great. He's a gay man. Well, you know, I can kind of see. It's genius.

William Shakespeare is phenomenal. It's kind of a good title. Yeah, it's the best title yet. Is it as good as Pedophilium Shakespeare? No, it's not. I'm not saying I'm good at this. Can we combine? I think we should work together. Yeah, can we work together? Okay, we'll work together. I didn't realize we were supposed to title

our videos. No, it doesn't matter. No, I get it, you guys. The Pedophiles, William Shakespeare, and Christopher Marlowe. Yeah, you said it in the 1300s or whatever that was. I'm not a historian, right? Whatever. I don't know what it was. Put it in outer 1300s or whatever that was I'm not a historian Whatever I don't know what it was on

And then put it in outer space Yeah Do you have a title For your Smirnoff film? Yeah It's Yachting off in the corner While you bleed to death

Alright Johnny That's good Pitch me Okay I wrote a Biopic about myself Called Scrambled Eggs Get out of your own brain We're beyond pitch mode at this point

because I've written a draft. What is wrong? Do you have a Bible? Do you have a show Bible? It's getting less sellable. Jesus. And, okay, I won't give too much away, but it's about me going crazy in Ireland,

and there's one scene where I'm naked in a graveyard, right? It happened multiple times. I'm freaking out because I'm dying and being reborn, but in my mind's eye I'm making love to a French woman who I'm obsessed with. William Shakespeare. So it's a cup between montage of me naked in the cemetery with mud on me while making passionate love

in my mind's eye to a French woman. That is massively unsellable. Scrambled eggs, and the title's in reference to a Daniel Johnston lyric from that song Peek-A-Boo that's on Welcome to My World. It's called Public Mast, and the title's in reference to a Daniel Johnston lyric from that song Peekaboo. It's on Welcome to My World. Oh, my God. It's called Public Masturbation. And the lyric goes, one time I lost my mind.

It's such a terrible thing. Lord knows it's hard to make sense out of scrambled eggs. Get out of my office! All right. Get out of my office right now! Sir, I have another idea. May I come in? Please!

It's about a poet. He's like in the 1600s, right? He falls in love with a guy. William Shakespeare. It's the same name. I have two other ideas, both. It doesn't matter! You're making our executive producer upset.

I'm sorry. We're just going to have you leave. No, he gets like this all the time. Totally normal. Mine is sort of a new genre combining thing that I like to call a comedy rapumentary.

Which is going around into the world trying to rape people and find out if it is funny to rape them. We're going to get to the bottom of this. Yeah. And starting with, obviously I have to get backers for this, like Morgan Spurlock style.

So you'll notice that I do have cameras in here now. And if you, the money man, would be so kind or to not submit, that would actually, if you think it's okay, then it won't work. So, you know how rape, you know rape. It's rape, rape, rape. At the end of this movie, I remember. That should have been the opening of my pitch. You know rape, right? Okay, so, rape. I remember. That should have been the opening of my pitch.

You know rape, right? Okay, so that's basically comedy rapumentary. It's called Yakov Smirnoff in the Corner with a Broken Ass. I thought it was going to be called William Rapespierre. I like that. Rapespierre. Yeah, William Rapespierre. Oh my god. Henry. Henry. I like that. Rape Spear. Henry.

Thank you for having me here in your office. I'm running very short on time. Can I get a hot bowl of oatmeal? Is that okay? I know you said I didn't get you anything. Johnny, get back in here. Can I get a hot bowl of oatmeal? He likes it with Nike shoes in them. Scrambled eggs is the title of my show. Get him back in here. Can I get a hot bowl of oatmeal? Give this fat guy some oatmeal.

He likes it with Nike shoes in them. Scrambled eggs. It's the title of my show. Get him out of here. It's hard to be at the end of this cycle. I know you've seen a lot of people today. I'm very hot right now. It's just a simple idea.

You know bananas? The movie or the fruit? The fruit. You know the fruit bananas? Yeah. Here's what we do. The beginning of the movie is a half an hour

of shots of bananas. People love bananas. It's bananas and People love bananas. You know? Some people love bananas. It's bananas, and monkeys eating bananas, right? Yeah. Bunches of bananas. Baby little bananas. You've covered the fucking bananas.

And you love bananas. Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen. Then you start showing bananas next to dicks, right? Bananas, dicks, bananas, dicks. Bananas, dicks, bananas, dicks. Dicks, bananas. Right? Danny DeVito, right? Star Power, Always Sunny. Bananas, dicks, bananas, dicks. Dicks, bananas. Right? Danny DeVito, right?

Star power, always sunny. You like always sunny? Love that show. He comes in. He takes off his pants, right? You got his dick. He said, yes, I have him here. He's in the room.

Hey, how you doing? Hey, I'm Danny DeVito. Hey, Danny DeVito. Biggest story. That was terrible, Danny DeVito. Shut up, shut up, shut up, you tiny Mexican. Johnny, I told you to leave! Is my oatmeal coming?

And then you have him then proceed over 45 minutes, the last half of the movie, slowly cut his dick with a scalpel. What is wrong with you? Peel the skin back, and it's called Danny DeVito's Dickie Banana Nana, and that's the movie.

Right? Always sunny. It's like always sunny with cut and dicks. Credit to the Apes. Yeah. I mean, I think it's got... Danny DeVito's

Dickie Banana Nana. Danny DeVito's Dickie Banana Nana. I think it's got legs. I mean, I could really see that working. I mean, I like... I thought that was a really powerful pitch. I mean, overall, you got star power there.

Here's the thing about that. If you could get... If you really had Danny DeVito on board, that would be totally sellable. No, he's totally sellable. Get him to agree. I think he was just in the office, and I'm sorry, sir, I haven't been able to find my way out of your office.

Should I just sit on the couch here until... I love this oatmeal. I'm going to eat it with just stick of my face in it. So what are we doing, Mark? Mark is part of it for you, sir. Whose film are you going to pick up? A lot of classy pictures being pitched around.

There's a lot of draft, mind you. He has a draft on. He has a life shot. Yeah, you and a hundred other dumbasses. Get out of here, schlop. You kicked him out a lot. Still not leaving. But he brought Henry his oatmeal, so I love him for that.

That's fine. I love you for that, Johnny. I love you guys, too. Love your work, Johnny. Am I going for Moe-Cellable or Lee-Cellable right now? Lee-Cellable. I think Moe, too. Love your work, Johnny. Am I going for most sellable or least sellable right now? Least sellable. Most sellable to least sellable. Ah, most sellable to least sellable.

So most sellable, I'm going to go ahead and go with Mike's idea because I could see some people going for that. And the bonus here is if I end up in jail making the movie, then it continues. That's totally true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do like the idea of trying desperately to pitch an executive by going, I've already written a draft. I've already written a draft.

All the work's done. Come on, man. Just have a heart. I've been sweating all night working on a draft. How many did you say? 75% of one. That's a lot. I'll take a case of Splendor for you.

I really don't take anything for you. I'm sorry. No, sir. Well, can I get a coffee? Can I get a coffee? And then I'm going to go ahead and say Johnny next. Wow. Because I can see some dumbass picking up on that indie bullshit.

Yeah, he gets work. John does do work. Fuck you, man. I work really hard on thisass picking up on that indie bullshit. Yeah, he gets work. John does do work. Fuck you, man. I work really hard on... People hire this guy for shit. I'll never understand it. I wrote another thing called Tales of a Struggling Co-Leader. I've written multiple drafts of that. All right.

That's fantastic. For every household name, musician, comedian, or actor, this bunch never made it. The same could be said in the world of aspiring co-leaders. Huh? It's about a guy who can't get his shit together. He can't get followers on Twitter. He can't afford his own farm He can't be in a basement

With his mother I just want him to keep on going And end the whole show I want to hear that entire Fucking wonderful pitch Genius idea You can share one more right I do have one more

One for one It doesn't matter We'll close it out with it You know what we're going to do We're going to do that online We're going to do the after show We'll post it online Oh yeah stick around John

Round table after show When we all leave And there's no more microphones All you guys can be in One for one There you go Yeah thank you online. We're going to do the after show. We'll post it online. Stick around, John. Round table after show. All you guys can be in one for one. I think there's only one person in one for one. It just doesn't matter. Next up would be Ben. Thank you. You're right there because I could see someone picking up on Gay Shakespeare.

Absolutely. I'm loving it. It's a good title. It's a good game. Shakespeare. It's like Magic Mike. Yeah. It's a good title. It's a good... Shakespeare. Shakespeare. William Shakespeare. Shakespeare. It's like Magic Mike. Yeah. Pretty much on the level.

It's exactly the same idea as Magic Mike. Yeah, but with stinky Victorian pubes. I like those, yeah. Can I change the title of my movie to Stinky Victorian Pubes? You might have just won yourself a game, my friend. I have one question to ask before I go any further. Right. Do you have the rights from Yakov Shmerinov? Not yet.

Not now. We are in talks with the mayor of Branson, Missouri. We don't know if that's the proper channel, but... But he probably knows him, right? See, that's what's so good about scrambled eggs. I have all the rights because it's all about me. God damn it, would you please shut the fuck up? John, you gotta try

observational comedy is big now. Look outward, not inward. Outward. Alright. Here's your oatmeal. Yeah. Every time I fuck up, I have to bring somebody a bowl of oatmeal But I do say

Branson, Missouri, things play well there Dakota Fanning Cute girl, you find a lookalike, you give her a Russian accent People are gonna like it You're going next, so now It is between File Pedophile under friendship Pedophile under friendship

pedophile under friendship or Danny DeVito's Dickie Banana Dickie Banana Now, mind you, Danny DeVito before you choose, Marcus, mind you, before you choose Danny DeVito is already attached to this project Yeah, he is attached

Danny DeVito is already attached Is it Danny DeVito's Dickie Banana Nana or Danny DeVito's Dickie Banana Nana Or Danny DeVito's Dickie Banana Nanny Because It's a different thing Dickie Banana Nanny Oh that's a good one

Oh Banana Nanny Oh Banana Nanny I do have I have a homeless man You're hired sir You're hired

Oh We got a staff writer He didn't sell a movie But he became a writer A banana nanny also sounds like A man who gets back With his ex-wife's family by dressing up as a giant banana. And going over there like, watch her kids. It's like Mrs. Doubtfire on crack.

Marcus, Marcus, mind you, because of the economy. It's Mrs. Doubtfire with banana people. Danny DeVito, we can see it's you. Nobody is shaped like you, Danny DeVito. No, I'm just a regular banana nanny. It's just weird. You know how they are. No, I'm just a regular banana man. It's just weird. You know how they are. Oh, yeah, I've heard about that.

Looks like Christmas ornaments. Just swimming laps. That's not even a thing, sir. Now, the first half hour of Henry's movie is just pictures of bananas. Did I hire you? Did I? Let me, let me, whoa, whoa, whoa. Johnny,? Did I? Let me ask. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. Let me ask. Henry making something up as he was going along. Did I hire you as an assistant? Did I hire you as an assistant? You should. No, you did not. I hired Micah.

Who's got the J-O-B? It's me. Oh, my God. Micah, what happens in the first 30 minutes of Henry's movie? Well, okay. A lot of shots of bananas. Thank you. No, no, okay. A lot of shots of bananas. Thank you. No, no, no.

It's next to penis. Like, slowly. What's happened to you? I'm excited. This is phenomenal. You're red as a bee right now. I love it. It really sounds like something that people would watch.

It does. It does sound good. Great. It sounds great. What are we doing? File it under friendship or David has been in an interview. File it under friendship. Well, the only thing, you've got star power, Henry.

Yeah, he does. But what you don't have is a plot. Yeah, I know there's no plot. No plot. That's true. It's an image collage. It's a thing. It's a thought piece. Right. It's a thought piece. It's a thing or a thing. It's a image collage It's a thing, it's a thought piece It's a thinker though

It is a thinker And it is In effect Mostly just mutilation porn The second half The first half is a celebration of bananas It's like saw meets bananas It's a celebration of bananas It Yeah. It's like Saw meets bananas. It's a celebration of bananas in modern culture.

It's like if bananas went and hung out at a hostel. It is Saw meets bananas. Like Saw has a head shoot. With bananas. Not the movie. Like Saw they meet on a bridge. Do you know bananas? Well, all right.

The movie? No, the fruit. And Saw the movie, not the thing. Not the object. Saw the thing meets banana. Actually, it is more like the saw the thing meets banana. Scalpel the thing meets the banana. All right.

Are you familiar with saw? Are you familiar with bananas? Not the movies. The things. Saw the item meets, the fruit. And as Mike said earlier, I could see Todd Sollins coming on the pedophile movie. Except for all the actual kid rape. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which is hardcore, and for most of the movie. Well, half the movie, they have to get the kid first. And so it's all real? Yeah, essentially. Not simulated? No, this would be kiddie porn for mass release. I think you could find an audience. This would be kiddie porn.

I do feel like, by the way. Kiddie porn for mass release versus fucking masochist porn. But wait, I do. Girl with a dragon tattoo, but a little child boy instead of the girl with a dragon tattoo. This really is like every pitch meeting the executive is at Lionsgate get. Like, this is exactly what it is. That's great.

Marcus, what do you got, buddy? What am I going to say? It's a tough decision. It's a real tough decision, but... A lot of money on the line. There's a lot of money on the line here. What gets ruined? Big man penis or little boy ass?

What do you got? money on the line here. What gets ruined? Big man penis or little boy ass? What do we got? I'm gonna say if you're gonna have to have a child actually get raped, you're not budging on that. Not gonna budge on it.

Let's pause for a second. We need to know how big the budget is for this potential movie. And the debt. You could put out a lot of fires. That's the thing. With a big budget. Does it change it if I say it'll be a French child?

Well, Holden, just real quick, I think the issue with the producer is that a child is getting raped on camera. It's not the nationality. It's not the nationality. It's not the ethnicity. It's not the nationality. It's not the ethnicity. It's the age.

I think the big issue with Danny DeVito's banana nanny is all the bananas at the beginning. And you know the fruit rights groups are going really crazy with the banana rights. Feta is grilling again. Who gives a shit about

Feta? I can handle Feta. It's to get us. Yeah. Who gives a shit about feta? I can handle feta. It's fucking boring. It's boring. Nobody's going to pay $13.50 to watch a bunch of fucking bananas on screen for 30 minutes. Less is sellable. Pedophile wins. I knew I heard you for a reason. Pedophile wins.

All right. Well, that's been this episode. Here's your oatmeal. There's your oatmeal. Thank you so much. Thanks for being here Henry Holden Alright Eddie, you're not better than us Eddie, thank you for being here Micah Sherman and Mike Kaplan

And John O'Donnell Thank you And John, feel free to take us out with your final pitch Marcus will cut it off, just talk It's called One for One, it takes place in a prison It's kind of like Space it's called One for One, right? It takes place in a prison. It's kind of like Spaceballs meets One for One

with the cuckoo nest. All the one percenters go to jail for one year, but it's like a kooky art therapy prison, and there's a house band in the prison called Compassion Against the Machine.

It's like Rage Against the Machine, but they do all like fluffy, like, it's like, mate, fuck you, I won't do what you tell me. Love you, I won't do what you tell's like mate fuck you I won't do what you tell me love you I won't do what you tell me

fuck you I won't do what you tell me love you I won't do