The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 107: Razor Burn

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Today on the Round Table: a man kills his girlfriend's pomeranian and beats her with it, a Florida teenager runs into a wall on his skateboard and blames it on "a bunch of black guys", and a Craiglist posting asking for rape turns out to be an angry husband looking for revenge. Today's guests include Mike Recine, Jake Young of Nerd of Mouth, and Louis Katz!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Alright, we'll talk about it. Marcus, do you have your prayer? I have my prayer. It looks like it's written down. By the way, the first round table written down prayer premeditated. It's not written down. I just needed to...

See, I'm working my way through the infernal demons and praying to each one of them. This week we shall be praying to Adramelic, who is the president of the Senate of Demons in hell. What, is it democracy? Yeah, hell is a democracy. You need to read up on your demonology.

Apparently. He's also the supervisor of Satan's wardrobe. And that is why I shall be praying to Adramalek today. Because frankly, all of you except for Kevin and Jackie kind of look like shit. Yeah! We win.

Fuck you. And myself included, Adramalek, I do pray to you, hell Satan, to bestow upon us the fashion sense that our dark lord Doth have. And maybe one day bring us and make us all beautiful boys and girls just like Kevin and Jackie. Amen. Wow. That's your prayer?

I love it. That's the fucking worst prayer I've ever heard in my life. Are you kidding me? You're praying for fashion sense? Watch E, for Christ's sake. Satan's designer. It's like the Lord of Hot Topic. Apparently Satan loves white zombie t-shirts. I had no idea. Alright, who is everybody on this podcast?

Hold on, Jake. Who are these people? Jackie Zabrowski, Moo Moo, Moo Moo Cow, I'm a cow. It's Moo Moo Goes to Choo Choo. You've been gone for too long. Moo Moo Goes to Choo Choo. I forgot. Sitting in for wonderful Ed Larson.

Slightly more Jewish, which means Ed, this is Ed 2.0. Louie Katz, thanks for being here, buddy. Thanks for having me. What I hate about Louie, I'm sorry, I love you, Louie, but I wish you were bigger so you could rub up against me sweating the way Ed does when he sits next to me. I know. Well, it's like evolution. You know how rats used to be gigantic?

Now they're much smaller as they've evolved? That's how Louie is. Yeah, you're like a rat. Can we cover Louie in some bologna meats and make it a little more natural? That would feel nice. They used to call me Rat Boy in junior high. That's good. That's nice.

Put you right in a salami jacket and you're like Eddie. Rat Boy in a salami jacket. And then speaking of rats and salami. Yeah, it's holding, motherfuckers. Alright. Alright. That's nice. I'm just Kevin Barnett, you know, chilling.

He has a Batman shirt on. I love it. Alright, Jackie, you know, chilling He has a Batman shirt on I love it Alright, Jackie, you get one massacre joke Here we go What do you got? Oh no, they're dead Oh, that's comedy Alright, well that's good

We're going to not talk about that anymore Wonderful, I think we did a good job I'm Ben, and then we got What is this guy's name? You're Jake Young. Yeah. Jake Young is here with us from Nerd of Mouth. How you doing, Jake?

Doing fantastic on a lovely summer's day in New York City. I feel very drunk. One nice thing about Jake is he presented me with chocolate tequila, a chocolate drum full of tequila, which was very tasty. Thank you. Greenpoint Brooklyn, 99 cents. They'll get you anything. That was 99 cents?

The whole box. Wow. It was about 10 chocolates for 99 cents. That's good. Just so you know, it was Ben Kissel's birthday yesterday. And I did buy him a pocket shot of whiskey, but I didn't see him, so I took it. Thank you. Thank you.

I had a great time. Those weird little squishy packs. Yeah, the squish packs. Jake, speak into the microphone. Treat it like Thank you. Happy birthday. I had a great time. Those weird little squishy... Yeah, the squish packs. Jake, speak into the microphone. Treat it like a donut. They were the worst ever. It was disgusting. But I felt I had to because I didn't see you. I know. Thank you so much. I got you something for your birthday, but then I wasn't invited to your party, so I destroyed it.

But we know it was invited! Alright, Mike Racine is also here. Thank you for being here, Mike. Hey, thanks. I'm just doing fantastic on a beautiful Mike. Hey, thanks. I'm just doing fantastic on a beautiful summer. Okay, but to clarify, the reason Louie was not invited to my party, I didn't plan this party. It was a surprise party.

Marcus, you're with the news. You know all about it. You were there. Everyone was there. It was a fucking nightmare. Everyone was there? So many people were there. I was invited for that evening. I didn't invite you I know you were I was not Kevin were you invited I was invited But I didn't go man

That shit sounded corny as fuck It was corny I hate surprises are made for like Police stings Or like When it's like It's a terrible situation Never once

It was so nice you piece of shit It was a nightmare It was a nightmare Marcus You are the worst And then everyone sings happy... I walk into Radagast Beer Garden, everyone starts singing happy birthday.

I felt like I was getting hazed. It was awful. What's that? I love beer gardens, man. What the fuck? No, I know, but you walk into a beer garden not suspecting... You know I love beer gardens. Why would you invite me to a beer garden? I wasn't invited. You don't want rats at their establishment.

That's true. You're not allowed. They do smell like salami over there. That is a direct quote from Mein Kampf. That is a direct fucking quote. You were not a popular boy in school. That's been fairly established. Sure. I was fine, though. I had enough friends. But every single time there was a group of people

all focusing their attention on you, it would never end positively. They were usually raping him with a trophy. There was a bug rape. There was just me saying a lot of awkward things. So the second everybody is all like, hey, it's Ben. It never ended

well, but now you're safe. People like you now. No, they don't like me. And if they did like me, they wouldn't have thrown me a surprise party. Everyone loves you. I felt like my pants were pulled down and people were screaming shit at me. Like, shit, shit, shit. I can't shit in public. I'm very shy.

I can't take a dump right now. They're like, shit, shit, shit. I can't dump. And then I ended up dumping. I did still dump. It was awful. No surprise birthday. Anyway, Marcus, do some news stories. A 27-year-old man from Georgia has been

arrested for brutally killing his girlfriend's Pomeranian and then using the dead animal's body as a club to beat her with. Yay! I love this guy. That is awesome. Fuck Pomeranians. Pomeranians are too fluffy.

After repeatedly kicking Cooper the dog and breaking the tragic pooch's neck, Emmanuel Alfredo Tadeo turned the corpse into a weapon as he battered his 40-year-old girlfriend, Andrea Armentrout. Oh, she was so old. Yeah. Well, here's the guy. If you look over on the screen, here's the dude.

Oh, he's a dreamboat. And it looks like he could go undercover in a high school and figure out who's selling the drugs. And here is the woman. Oh, there's the Pomeranian. He showed the Pomeranian. I showed the Pomeranian. The cutest dog of all time. God, look at that little thing.

He could make a real good club. You cannot be beaten with a Pomeranian. It's like trying to beat someone with a koosh ball. It can't be done. No, you can fuck someone up with a Pomeranian. It's like trying to beat someone with a koosh ball. It can't be done. No, you can fuck someone up with a Pomeranian. And here's the woman who was, by the way, arrested for obstructing justice because she did not want her boyfriend to go to jail. There you go.

He's so happy. No wonder he beat that bitch. She kind of looks like Amy Poehler. Like a fat Amy Poehler. I never thought Amy Poehler was attractive. Fat, old, broke, unsuccessful Amy Poehler that looks kind of not like Amy Poehler. Like a fat Amy Poehler. If she was like a... Fat, old, broke, unsuccessful Amy Poehler that looks kind of not like Amy Poehler. I get it. She looks like Amy Poehler a little bit.

Racine, move your fat head. Her face looks bent. Her face is bent. I have a question about this. What's the science behind this? Is Rigor Mortis set in and the dog becomes stiffened? Well, he immediately... He killed the dog and then immediately started beating her with it. They use the club as a definition, but I'm like, how can it really act as a club if it's a floppy dog?

I mean, it's not a good weapon. It's more like a nunchuck, if anything. If you get enough speed, the leverage, the angle of attack, you might be able to do some damage. Also use the snout. The snout is hard. Exactly. It's a psychological weapon. That's what it is.

If you beat someone to death. That's brilliant. Yeah. I'm surprised you didn't think of that, Racine. I respect the shit out of that, dude. Louis, what do you got? I was at a strip club in Portland, and this bouncer tossed a dude out. He was beating the shit out of him.

He said, I'm going to go to your house and kill all your pets. And it was like the most hardcore shit I ever heard. And this is taken to another level. I'm going to kill your pets. I'm going to kill you with your dead pets. That's amazing. It's great. It's pretty dope.

The way I do it is I would freeze chinchillas and then throw them. That's how I would kill someone. That's not a bad way to do it. Absolutely. Here's the timeline on this. The defendant in this case had taken the dog outside and was kicking their dog, a Pomeranian. Who could ever kick a Pomeranian?

And the victim... He's got stupid eyes. Yeah, they look dumb. They don't look like they have a soul like a regular dog. It's like, I can murder this dog and no one... It wouldn't matter. Are you fucking kidding me, man? Pomeranians are the cutest dogs out there. But they don't seem like they have a soul. They have a soul. They have a soul. It's a sweet soul. It doesn't matter.

Well, here's the victim picked the dog up and took it inside. The man followed her in, took the dog back, and literally kicked the dog to death. Allegedly, Tadeo then picked up the dog's body and proceeded to hit Armin Traut with the corpse before she managed to call the police who arrived and arrested Tadeo.

This guy, if he would have done, like, a spin wheel kick with it, that would have been amazing. The image is so brilliant of, like, her on the phone with the cops, and the guy's just lightly batting her with this fluffy... It's like, would it stop? I just feel like that woman is lucky, because that dude looks like he's a fucking serial killer.

He's like, I'm gonna kill my girlfriend. I think she's lucky that he just hit her with a Bomberanian. That's it. Because he could have hit her with a lot. The cast of Jersey Boys. Oh, yeah.

Hello. I'm not really Enrique Iglesias. Looks like he'd be in The Outsiders. I think he's good looking. He is much more attractive than the woman. I mean, drugs must be involved here, right? Oh, yeah. He also does look significantly younger than 40, I would say.

He's 27. Yeah, he's 27. She's 40. I mean, she went young and he's fucking a psychopath. I mean, he was probably running from the law or something like that. You never know what's happening. I mean, it is very hard to date a woman who's older than you. So resort to some stuff because they're smarter.

Kevin, what animal do you want to kill a woman with if you had one choice? If I had one choice? Let's not say kill. Let's just say beat. Yeah, because I mean, or if it is an animal that could kill a woman. If you choose to beat a chick with a swordfish, you know, you might be able to kill her. I mean, a Pomeranian, it's going to be tough. Yeah, I could see like a dolphin or something. You could kill a chick with a swordfish, you might be able to kill her. I mean, a Pomeranian, it's going to be tough. Yeah, I could see a dolphin or something.

You could kill a chick with a dolphin. Maybe a snake. A snake would be nice. Like a whip. Oh, interesting. Yeah, absolutely. Like a water moccasin. And I could imagine the snake was my dick.

And I'd just be like, ah! That's a win-win. That's pretty incredible. A nice rattlesnake cock would be good. All men should have jiggles, little sound things on their testicles, so the gals know when they're coming. It'll be good. I'm saying to prevent rape.

If you're a rapist, you should... They're all the way. If you're a rapist... Well, there are. But if you're a rapist, we should not circumcise or get rid of the cock. Just put little cling-clang balls in there, so everywhere you go, people know you're coming. I thought you meant the other kind of coming, like when I'm about to come in their mouth.

Oh, yeah. It's like when a snake's about to bite, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. You need a klaxon or some kind of loud siren. Right, right, right. Absolutely. That would ruin it. So what's going to happen to this guy? Next news story.

A Miami man said four to five unknown black males mugged him in a parking lot when really he had just smacked his head against a concrete wall while attempting a skateboarding move. What? This is an unbelievable story. What do you mean? Rene Betancourt, 22, broke his skull and was hospitalized for two weeks while detectives searched for his assailants. In the end, they found a parking lot surveillance video of Betancourt knocking himself out cold on a skateboard.

Why did it take two weeks to find the footage? So, in other words, he fucking hit a wall on a skateboard instead of a bunch of black dudes jumped him. Did he actually believe that or was it a story he just made up? It's just a story he made up. It's so hard that I turned racist temporarily. Like, that happens. Makes sense, man. That's a mental

phenomenon. Well, Miami police say they won't file charges against him because of the severity of his head injury. Really? No, you gotta file the charges, man. Fun this guy. But, you know, imagine had, like, four black people, like, randomly been hanging out near that vicinity. They would be arrested right

now and charged with fucking assault. I remember the song, Hurricane. Think about it! Bob Dylan, man! That dude was going for a jog! Say what? Hurricane? Too long, that song. Too long. It's a really long song. It's terrible, man.

Wait, so wait, did he wake up when he got arrested, or when he got taken in? Was he like, four black men and then passed out? No, no, no. They were like, your wallet's still in your pocket, sir. No, four to five black men. That's ridiculous. He made it up.

He should be put in jail. Rape him. What doesn't make sense? Was he missing anything? Rape him. That's how you teach someone a lesson. So he was too embarrassed to admit that he fell skateboarding? No, he didn't know what happened.

He knocked himself up. What's weird is he's not, there's not like an excuse. He like didn't do anything illegal that he needed to blame on anybody. Right. It's just something that happened to him and he decided to be racist.

Or really, maybe his, you know, people get head injuries, they get crazy. It can fuck you up. It can make you nuts. I feel like maybe he thought that's what happened.

Maybe. It could be. Damn. I hope these cops don't think I'm a bad skateboarder. They're going to make fun of me. He was just embarrassed about his bad stupidity and his bad skills at skateboarding, so he just blamed it on the black people. I mean, come on.

Give him a break. Am I right? Well, he knew niggas can't have nothing, so I'm going to blame it on them because niggas don't have shit. It's sad. It sucks being black, man. I got razor bumps right now. It hurt. What?

The barber fucked me up. You have razor bumps and they're on your neck. Yeah, man. What the fuck is that? I went to the barber. He fucked me up, man. What did he do? Did he shave you with his wife's pussy or something?

It just broke out on my fucking neck. Wait, where? I see nothing. Let me ask this. Did he shave you with his wife's pussy or something? Nah, it just broke out on my fucking neck. Wait, where? I see nothing. Never get a shave from a barber. Let me ask this, did he shave you with his teeth? You gotta stop going to that beaver in the woods to get your hair cut. I've got a question. First of all, I'm not allowed in barber shops. Because, look at me.

Everyone's allowed in barber shops. You mean black barber shops, right? You can get a shave at a non-black barbershop. But me and Holden were watching this documentary backstage the other day. It's about, which tour was it about? Hard Knock Life tour. Yeah, yeah. I can't say these names without sounding, you know.

DMX, Jay-Z, Method Man, and Red Man. I went to that show in Charlotte, North Carolina. My buddy and I, we went in our prep school costumes. I like Redman, Method Man. Jay-Z seems like a thug, though. He's a thug. It was an eye-opening evening,

but we had a great time. Everyone was actually super cool. No one killed us or beat us. Black Cloud was super cool because nobody killed you or beat you. I was talking to Michael Che about it recently where he was talking to this chick who has a black friend and she's a gal and she wanted to hook her up and she's like, well, you know, my friend isn't

really black. She talks really well and she's super smart. And Michael was like, what the fuck? So Holden was like, oh, it was a great crowd. They were such a nice group of blacks. They didn't stab us. They didn't even rob us. I mean, I just, I really felt at home. Because he understands it was within their rights

to see it. Of course! I was walking into their fucking house that night, man, and I felt that. And you did not take off your shoes. But to that point, being a black person with the stereotypes, all you have to do is not be a criminal, and they're like, well, he's a god. I can't believe that man is amazing. He didn't rate me

once. But that's the Chris Rock bit about how those standards are stupidly low. Like, black dudes will be like, I take care of my kids like you're supposed to take care of your kids. Exactly, man. Here's my question. There was a scene in which a guy was getting his hair cut and he was yelling at somebody

and he kept moving back and forth and fucking just going crazy at somebody. You can't believe he didn't get his head fucking cut off. But this barber was so fucking amazing. No, they're on point, man. Black barbers are serious. Yeah, he was able to keep the entire haircut going. While this dude was having a rant, moving his head all over the place and freaking out, this dude was still able to get it.

I bet you you can get something done at the barber if you just like walk in and just be like, take a little off the neck and they'll just fucking chop your head right off. It'll be great. I bet you they'll do that for you. When I first moved to D.C., I really needed a haircut. I didn't know the neighborhood I was living in. I walked into a barber shop and it was a barber shop and the guy sat me down and I went into a deli.

It was a deli. I was fucking this chick. She was a woman. He literally pulled out a laminated chart, blew dust off it, and it was full of, like, white people heads. And it was just like,

what do you want, skinhead or 1950s dad? And I was just like, neither. And he just... I also got the Gerald Ford. Do you want the Gerald Ford? I tried to be like,

kind of layer it so, because, you know, I'm thinning. And if you didn't hear a word of it, just shave the whole thing off. And all he said to me was just like, you know who you look like? Zero Mostel. The dead fat Jewish guy? That is the weirdest fucking comparison. You don't even look like Zero Mostel. You look nothing like him.

But I was sweaty and fat and Jewish. Same difference. I got one of the best haircuts of my life in a black barbershop. The guy didn't rob me. When I first got my hair, I had really, really long hair, and I got a cut.

That's the end of it. For it to be donated for, like, fucking wigs and shit. And it was a black salon. And she cut my hair. I've never looked so fucking fashionable in my entire life. I couldn't pull it off, because I looked like a Puerto Rican girl. And I wasn't Puerto Rican. That's me.

This guy gave me, like, a really... He, like, blended my sideburns down to, like, a point. It's too good. Like, you can't be that fashionable as a white person. You can't do it. The 90-degree ankle on your temple, that's so sad. I have a Puerto Rican haircut. Yeah, he went around with a razor blade.

I got the pencil-thin beard. Oh, my God. You got the Gotti? I love it, though. It's so interesting that there's different haircuts for each different race. We can't even go to the same barber. The hair is different between the races, and that's just a fact. Is that a fact?

How about pubic hair, though? Look at Kevin's hair. This is the question. It's the same hair at all. No, we don't have the same hair. I have a full head. I'm not going bald at all. You're thinning, Kevin.

You're thinning. It's very bizarre. Did you ever see that documentary, Good Hair? I did. I liked it. That was pretty interesting, because I never realized also, like, what black women go through to get white hair.

Like with the weaves and everything. What's bizarre is they take all those hairs from the... It's all poor Indian girls' hair. And my hair! That's where I sold it. You didn't give it to Cancer Kids? You sold it for weaves? I want to thank you.

I didn't sell it. I didn't make any money on it. I donated it. For weaves or for Cancer Kids? I wanted to do it for Cancer Kids, but most of the fucking Cancer Kids corporations are false, and they just fucking sell the hair anyway. No way. So I donated it to Reeves. No, they're all corrupt.

They're all fucking corrupt. They don't give the... Alright, so I'm declaring it right now. The Roundtable is taking a stand against false hair charity. Yes! But I love false hair. I think false hair is beautiful. Take a stand. This is gonna be our first cause that we're ever gonna get

going off the ground. Make wigs. Everyone's gonna be sheared by the end of the night. I'm shearing them all! So, Kevin, when you were getting this bad haircut, did you ever, like, stop the dude and be like, you're not doing this properly? No, no, I wouldn't have known, man. It was just a sanitary thing.

He didn't sanitize his clippers. Yeah, yeah, razor burn shows up later. Oh, is that what it is? I don't think you get good shaves at a barber. I used to have a joke about it. I said, what did I say? Getting a shave from a barber is like getting a handjob from a stripper. You can do it yourself better for free.

And you wouldn't have to listen to them lie about how good looking you are in broken English. I love it. Yeah! That's perfect. Absolutely. I hate the whole haircutting situation. It's very personal. Touching the hair, getting on the head. I just feel like a

hairstylist, it's up there with a gynecologist, I think. Touching somebody's head is like touching somebody's balls or touching somebody's pussy. It's more than that because no one can see your pussy or balls. They don't mess up your pussy for the next month. You can always see my balls. You can always see my balls.

You go to a doctor and they rearrange your balls. What kind of a doctor is that? What about this? What about when you go to a barbershop and there's the one person who gives you the good haircut, but the chair opens up with another person. Do you feel obligated to go to the first? You wait? No, you wait.

You always wait. Really? What do you say to the guy who's available who's not good? See, also, I guess women also pay $100 for a haircut in New York City. So it's like, I'm going to fucking wait for who I want to fucking wait for. I got a $100 haircut and it was fucking disgusting. This chick was pregnant. All she was talking about was the

disgusting thing growing inside of her. And the haircut came out the exact same way that it does after I paid $12 from a Polish girl. You looked a lot more like a lesbian than you usually do after a haircut. I know, right? That's all they make you. They make you look like a fucking lesbian or a Filipino gal. You're pointing at me.

Filipino. I got a feminine haircut this time It's very feminine Kevin are you going to go back to this dude? Nah man Fuck that shit My fucking neck man Yo it's like

I met this girl The day before I got the haircut And she was all into me and everything Did you fuck her? Let me fucking Look what happened to me So goddamn And this girl She was beautiful Exactly like my me and everything. And she's like, oh, let's hang out. Did you fuck her? Let me fucking, look what happened to me. So goddamn,

and this girl, she was beautiful, exactly like my type and everything. She's like, all right, let's hang out sometime. What's your type? Asexual?

No. Asexual? No, I'm starting to see, I like real skinny girls that got a little tiny bit of muscle on them, but just wide hips. Wide hips,

some butt. I know you're talking about me. I'm right across from you. I understand. No, but she was like, oh, let's hang out. I'm like, all right. I had you're talking about me. I'm right across from you. I understand. No, but she was like, she's like, oh, let's hang out. I'm like, all right. I had to go out of town

like the next day, so I didn't see her until I got back. And then like Monday or Tuesday, I had a show. I'm like, oh, yeah. She's like, oh, I'm coming to the show. And she comes to the show.

Everyone was just bombing. I go on last, and it was great. It had a great set. So I'm like, oh, this is fucking in. But I go to say what's up to her, and the fucking razor bumps are just shining in the light. She leaves. She leaves?

I tried to text her. She hasn't spoken to me. She hasn't responded to three texts. Wait, so bitchy doesn't fuck you because you have razor bumps? My neck is fucked up! I mean, his neck is pretty fucked up, though. I don't even see that. It's a war zone back there.

Yeah, let me see it. Let's see it. All right. I don't even see it. It's a war zone back there. Let's see it. All right. I don't see anything. It was bad. It was bad a couple times. You got to rock a hipster scarf. Wait, how well did you do at your set? I destroyed.

Oh, tell me more. That's unheard of. You must have done something else. No, no. I think you're just bad at being a man. I barely spoke to her. What race was this gal? White.

A white gal. I'll tell you one thing. I think there is a double standard. She wanted you to be the perfect fucking Sidney Poitier black dude as soon as she saw a flaw. Also, too, because she's a hairstylist. Oh, well, that's why. Like a pretty big... She just had no respect for your choice of barber.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucked up, man. It is fucked up. No, that's... She's a bitch. You must have done something wrong. I didn't do nothing How much was that

How good was the vibe before this Great It was like on Yeah I wouldn't give a fuck How many fucking bumps You had on your neck It was a war zone back there

Who cares Let me ask you And then the rays Of bumps in the light Let me ask you Had she seen your comedy Before this Nah

I couldn't have comedy Yeah yeah Have you Maybe you thought That she just didn't think You're funny Nah dude He killed it How old is she Had she seen your comedy before this? Nah. I couldn't have comedy. Yeah, yeah. Have you... Maybe you thought that she just didn't think you're funny. Nah, dude. He killed it. How old is she?

24. Okay. Do you talk about chicks in your act? Nah, man. He talks about dragons in his act. That's what I was going to say. I was going to say, if she was older, I could see I should be turned off by your act. Because of all that fucking video game.

I saw her laughing, man. I saw her laughing and shit, man. Did you say the word StarCraft? No. Chicks love that shit. Chicks love that shit. You did say eSports, though, right? You are chalking this up simply to razor bumps.

Razor bumps, man. That barber ruined my life. We could have built a beautiful life together, me and that girl, and that's over now. That's insanity. This barber completely fucking cock-blocked you. Racine, you ever have a mullet that chicks didn't like? No.

No? They always loved them? I've had the same haircut for a long time. Same here, man. Same here. Yeah. Now, you used that long as fuck hair. Well, it was long for a little while, yeah.

And then, like, some nice hair. You've got nice hair. It looks great right now. Is hair really that important I got a women's dollar haircut though fuck yeah it is what's it

I'm balding real fast and there's a it's a weird signifier that like by the time you're bald you're supposed to have your shit together right that's true

and so if you're bald before you have your shit together you never get your shit together dude if you're bald and you have your shit together you're still fucking bald it sucks being bald

no but you did it you're a silverback you made it to where you're still fucking bald. It sucks being bald. No, but you did it. You're a silverback. You made it to where you're supposed to be. Most women don't care about balding. That's a real nice spin, but that's not true. Most women don't care about balding. If I was two inches taller and had all my hair, I would be rich and covered in pussy right now. Did you write that Ski-Lo song?

Yeah. I wish I was a little less bald or I wish I was slightly taller. I wish I wasn't so Jewish. I'm glad to be as Jewish as I am. I know. I like big, tall, like some Gary Goldman shit. You know what I mean? Like big, powerful Jews.

That's what I like. I'll never forget doing a show with you. I did very poorly, but you did very well. And we were arguing over the fat chick because we both wanted to fuck her. I've never been with somebody who wanted to fuck a fat chick as much as I did. It was really great, Louie. And as is her custom, she checked each of your necks to see if it was right.

Louie had a couple of razor bumps. I ended up jacking off to her while she was taking a shit. Alright. What? It happens. That'll happen. It doesn't happen. It could if you look at her in the eyes.

Whatever. She was focused. Alright. Next news story. It doesn't happen. It will. No, I mean, it could. It could if you look at her in the eyes and whatever. She was focused. All right, next news story. You got another news story. I'm sorry, Kevin. You look beautiful, though. Oh, thank you. Yeah, you're great, man. I got a fucking, actually, Jermaine had taken a picture of it.

Oh, yeah, let me see. Let's see how bad it is. Because as he saw me, we were shooting something, he just goes, Ugh, nigga, what the fuck? It must have been bizarre to see his teeth on the back of your neck I mean it's the equivalent and it was worse

than that too oh my Christ it looks like braille this is amazing look at those it looks like little zits can you pop those things I don't know

oh wow I've never seen that before oh yeah that's definitely why I shouldn't fuck you no no oh fuck oh yeah yeah yeah that goes to not a fuck you that's horrible no I mean't fuck you. No, no. Oh, fuck! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That goes to not a fuck you. That's horrible. No, I mean, she should have fucked you. Oh, my God. Kevin, real quick. Did the thing die after it laid its eggs? It looks like there were eggs laid on it. Absolutely.

Those look like skin folds on an old woman. Yeah, they really do. How did you get rid of them? I just started putting apple cider vinegar on there. Apparently it's supposed to be real good. That shit's good for everything, huh? Yeah, it fucks with the pH levels. Oh, okay.

Yeah, it looks like a village from space. All right, next news story. Pedophile corner. I thought we were doing Pedophile Corner. Fuck you, Kissel! You guys do this show every week. There's really that many pedophile stories.

Oh, we don't do Pedophile Corner every week. We haven't done it in months. Louis, it was per your suggestion. Louis came up to me after one show. He's like, you guys are so funny. I really think the show would do well like, you guys are so funny. I really think the show would do well. Have you thought about not doing Pedophile Corner?

I never said that. You did. Yes, you did. I don't even talk like that. I'm fucking Louis. I love this show. You're so funny. Have you thought about not doing Pedophile Corner?

No, I haven't, Louis. Is that what he sounds like? If I were to be completely honest with you guys I would still do this story Just wouldn't call it pedophile That's what I'm saying we can't call it pedophile Don't touch me Squirt Squirt

Squirt As a long time fan Long time fan of this podcast I am honored to be part of the classic Round table gentleman segment Pedophile What I do love also is that Jake has taken upon Ed's squirt squirt squirt part of the classic Roundtable Gentlemen segment, Pedophile Corner. What I do love also is that Jake has taken upon Ed's squirt, squirt, squirt part of the Pedophile Corner song.

Without prompting my ears. Sorry, I dropped the ball. I didn't know part of my job was to go squirt, squirt, squirt. It is, Louie. An Arizona man... That's Ed's most important job. An Arizona man who revealed during a job interview

with U.S. Customs and Border Protection that he had previously molested a two-year-old girl and committed bestiality was released from jail. Cody Slaughter, 22 of Somerton, was arrested after the admission of officials on July 2nd. Last name Slaughter.

Customs and Border Patrol agents told the Yuma County Sheriff's Office that Slaughter confessed to molesting a toddler when he was 14 during a pre-employment screening. He also admitted to having sexual interactions with a pig, a dog, and a horse between

2004 and 2012. Slaughter's admission came after interviewers asked him a standard question about whether he had committed any unreported criminal acts. I've done that, but they just asked, where do you see yourself in five years? Wait, did they

do the follow-up, which one was the best one? I'm going pig. I like that it's pig, dog, and horse from 2004 to 2012, so maybe it corresponds with the Chinese zodiac. I mean, I tried to find a dragon. At a job interview. That's fucking brilliant.

This was at a fucking job interview. They just asked him, it's like, so have you ever done anything criminal that you weren't arrested for? He's like, okay, well, I molested a two-year-old girl and I fucked a lot of animals.

You want to know which ones? Not a lot of animals, just specifically. And here's the guy right here. Check out over on the screen. He's stuck to mammals, so probably. What is he doing? A handsome guy. He looks great.

Yeah, he looks perfectly normal. He could easily fuck a German Shepherd or a collie or something like that. He's just a dude with no standards whatsoever. When he was 14, he molested a two-year-old? Yeah. God damn it. Yeah, that's pretty fucked up. That is a discussion.

Let's stick with the dogs and the cats. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, let's say the funniest part about this whole thing is that he admitted all this during a job interview. Yeah, it's just bizarre that he gets his sexual ideas from like a Chinese place map. I want to fuck a pig.

I did that joke. No, I did it. You did it? He said he gets his ideas from a Chinese restaurant. Yeah, but it doesn't explain how he molested the two-year-old, does it? No. How did he molest it?

Maybe it wasn't really a conversation. Maybe he doesn't know what a conversation is. What if he said the two-year-old first and then he covered for himself by talking about the pig in the mirror? I mean, I also fucked a pig. It's like, wait, are you saying it was a fat toddler? Is that what you're trying to say? He's like, are you saying It was a fat toddler Is that what you're trying to say He's like oh shit I love it when you feel bad Louie Louie wins

Pedophile corner Louie gets pedophile Louie gets pedophile Louie gets pedophile I just love that this guy I just love that this guy Gets his ideas of who he wants to fuck from a Chinese restaurant's placemat. You son of a bitch!

I have three words. Follow-up email. How do you do that? If you send a thank you, like, thank you for the job interview, I really appreciate the chance. Maybe you hired another pig fucker, I don't know. I'd like to keep, if you could keep me in mind for any future openings that happen, I'd just like to stress I do not fuck that many animals. When he was booked into jail for one count of sexual conduct with a minor

and three counts of bestiality, they searched the man's residence and recovered several items of evidence that directly linked the suspect to his prior statements and admissions. Keep in mind that he is 22 now. Oh, good for him. So that means there's a lot of pictures of him fucking dogs and pigs. Wait, where does he live?

Arizona. Oh, it's fine. Don't they have the paper laws? They have the paper laws. You have to have the papers. That's good. I wonder if they took any Chinese placemats out of his apartment. I mean, it seems like that's when he gets all his ideas of animals to fuck. Why do you have to hurt us?

We're your friends. So what happened? So that's good. So what's going to happen to this guy? I mean, are they going to prosecute him for fucking the two-year-old? I mean, the only evidence they have is his word against his word, right? I mean, no. They have evidence in

his apartment that he did these things. So he took pictures of the two-year-old and things like that. So he was 14 when he did it, so now the two-year-old is 10? Yes. Fuck it. She's old enough. Jackie, alright. End the segment.

Okay. Real Louis Jets move, Jackie. Yeah, I mean, it's like we're trying to get a wider audience. Well, Louis Jets pedophile is a certain corner. Hey, let me ask you guys. Y'all ready for pedophile corner? Oh, my God. Fuck this whole thing.

Is there another pedophile story? Is there another pedophile story? You didn't squirt with enough emphasis. Oh, my God. Jackie, leave him alone. He squirted as hard as he could. Yeah, there is. I need hard squirting.

Police in Rochester, New York have arrested a man in connection with a series of incidents involving children at local libraries. Police say 49-year-old Anthony Perri is a serial offender who has a fetish for fondling, smelling, and licking children's feet. Perri denies the charges, claiming instead that he is the victim of a conspiracy that involves state and federal governments and President Barack Obama. Who benefits? That's what you gotta ask. Who does benefit? That should be a lesson to these kids to play a sport

instead of spending all your time at the library. Get out of the library! Get on the field! Playing sports is the main way to get molested, dude. Everyone knows that. I don't know. Did sports is the main way to get molested, dude. Everyone knows that. I don't know. Did you get the breaking news this morning? Did everyone get breaking news text messages? I got a breaking news text message where they're taking the Paterno

statue down. Are they going to take it down? They took it down this morning. They did. It's gone. Wow. It's in the same warehouse as the Ark of the Covenant in Indiana Jones. That's weird. I feel like did they take it down the way they took Saddam's statue down back in like, 03? They draped an American flag over it and just yanked it down.

Oh, right, everyone hitting it with sandals and shit? That sounds amazing. But what's the point? Can we argue that, what is the point of taking down the Paterno statue? It's not gonna get rid of all the molestations. It sends out a dirty vibe, man. That guy let a bunch of kids get molested.

You gotta take it down. I agree, but I am the mind. Respect to the victims. They should put a big kid statue up. Yeah, just a kid with a thumbs up and a go-gurt. Just a kid slamming a go-gurt. Yeah, it would be great. Not a kid not being molested. Not a go-gurt.

I wasn't molested. But what I'm saying, I feel like... It's a kid who grows up To like be a lawyer Or something And he's fine Good for him But Penn State Has taken the statue down To forget that this incident

Ever happened I feel like they need To have that statue up For the rest of the time So every time they look at it They're like Oh that's right Paterno

A lot of bunch of kids To get fucked on campus They need a different Kind of memorial If you're being sincere right now They need something different Than a statue Praising that motherfucker

It's not praising anymore It's just a statue. It could strike terror in all the rival teams coming on there, bringing their families. We're going to rape you, motherfucker! Well, it does show determination to win. It's saying, I will fuck all morals and ethics. I'll fuck your kids.

Come to my school. You got kids you don't like. I'll fuck those kids. I want to go back to something. When I was reading this first paragraph of the story, when I said that he was fondling, smelling, and licking children's feet, Kevin, you had a specific reaction to this. Yeah, you like giggled through this.

It's funny, man. He was licking feet. I mean, he didn't fuck these kids, right? No, no, he was just licking feet in library. Is that molestation? Well, it is. No, it's not. Can you imagine as a child Someone comes up to you and you're like

Let me just lick your feet And you just sit there While they're licking your feet Like as an adult I want no one licking my feet That's not true That's completely true You can cum all over my body

But don't lick my feet That could be a hit song You can cum all over my body, but don't lick my feet. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That could be a hit song. That's fucking good. You can cum all over my body, but don't lick my feet. Let me ask, can I beat off while he's doing it? No, you can't. Yeah.

Yeah, sure, sure, sure. But you are going to get arrested. He can get arrested. It's just weird. It's not molestation. It's just like... You's not molestation. It's just like... You know what else is weird about it? It's probably like the kid didn't think of it that way, but when the kid finally tells...

Or someone sees it, then all the shame comes on the kid. The kid doesn't even know something fucked up happened to him. The kid. Yeah, but that's not even molestation. It's like old school foot wash. You know what he is? Jesus wash. He's a good Christian.

That's what he is. I mean, they're just The whole That's old fashioned Foot wash Leave with some razor bumps But your feet will be Clean as fuck

I feel like there should Be something in the law Where it's like If a kid is saying Like oh I was molested Because my feet were licked Like being molested Is something that is

Stamped upon you For the rest of your life Right Why can't it just be like Oh no this weird shit shit happened to me. Can't there be like a weird shit talk? No, it was weird.

I wasn't molested. Yeah, but he's getting off and licking the kid's feet. That's not being molested. Yeah, but he wasn't jacking off all over the kid. These kids will just have memories of the time

they had really clean feet. I'm saying as a stamp of molestation where someone's saying I was molested. It's like, well, your feet were licked. You weren't raped in the ass.

There's a difference between getting raped in the ass and being molested. That's when molestation starts, with rape in the ass. Yes. That's the beginning of it. Or raped in the front, if you have a front hole. I don't know how small a person's dick is. I respect your dedication to your convictions. But this is not the argument.

They shouldn't charge the guy for anything. Let me lick your feet right now and see how you feel about all this. No, you should be arrested for something else. I'm saying that there should be another wording for it. Oh, you mean there should be another category. Exactly. What do you mean? Sexual misconduct.

I guess that's sexual misconduct. No, no, no. Here's the charges that he actually has against him. Sex abuse and endangering the welfare of a child. There you go. That's what he's being charged with. Molestation, I don't feel, is the word for someone licking your feet. Even if you're a child.

That's why you should be a molestation lawyer. I'll be a molestation lawyer. Get me out there, guys. I have a feeling you'd be for the defense for some reason. I'll get you molested. I'll get you molested. I'll get you molested. I'll get you molested. I'll get you molested. I'll get you molested. I'll get you molested. I'll get you molested. I'll defense for some reason. I'll get you molested. I'll get you molested. I'll get you molested. I'll get you molested.

I'll get you molested. I'll get you molested. I'll get you molested. I'll get you molested. I'll get you molested. I'll get you molested. I'll get you molested. I'll get you molested.

I'll get you molested. I'll get you molested. I'll get you dead. That's weird. No one's going to call in for that. Hey, were you accused of being molested? I'll make them call it something else. Call me Jackie Zabrowski.

You're just too pretty. You may be entitled to your freedom. Well, what do y'all think about this guy's claims that this is a conspiracy that involves state, federal governments, and the president? That's ridiculous. He's fucking crazy. He's just fucking crazy. I don't understand that at all.

Yeah, this is not on Obama's fucking high priority list. Maybe it has something to do with how Michelle Obama has that whole health initiative and eating right. She's a bitch. He's licking all these feet. That sounds terribly salty. He's got to watch his sodium. He's got a high blood pressure. That health initiative and eating right. She's a bitch. He's licking all these feet. That sounds terribly salty. He's got to watch his sodium. He's got a high blood pressure.

All right. Hey, you guys want to see a picture of this fellow? Yeah, let's see this guy. Oh, thank God. Oh, no, he's a pedophile. He's just a pedophile, straight up. It's the cop on the right, right? Seems to be wearing some sort of college.

I just can't imagine, even as an adult, I would try to Fucking put anyone in jail That tried to grab my feet And lick my feet He looks like a kid And a pedophile Had a baby together

Yeah Looks like he likes He's very childish You know He's like And that's a video Oh here we go Full motion

Things are getting fun Oh we got a commercial Advertisement Advertisement Get rid of it Okay so But real quick I'm so sick of that ad

Are you researching crimes Check out Target Hey I love. Are you researching crimes? Check out Target. Hey, are you doing a podcast that needs to be slowed down? It's Viking International Furniture, only at Eastview Mall. All right, so here's the video of the guy. Footfalling suspect. Footfondling suspect.

Sometimes these guys are very like... President Obama is taking me down. I will say this. I think it's bullshit, though, that we have this guy on camera right now going in, doing the perp walk and shit. This is the only country in the Western world where we do the perp walk and have them in cuffs

before they've been convicted and guilty. It's like, the dude might have just been cleaning feet. We really don't know. Are they licking kids' feet? No, no, no, but you're right. As soon as you're guilty, then you get the public shame. But only in this

country would we do this whole big fucking escapade before. This dude might not be guilty. We don't necessarily know. And it's fucking kind of bullshit. You can tell by the way that they're brought in. Look at him screaming. You're right, dude. The media has too much power. It's bullshit. It's in our laws

It says you're supposed to be innocent Until proven guilty And we convict them through the media But you're guilty as soon as it happens As soon as they see you in cops You're guilty The whole point of the media Is to make people scared

And to make people upset That's the point What is this? Able to stop? Pat what's going on here? Oh sorry I was watching the video He was watching porn

But either way So what's our overall So my stance is In conjunction with the EPA, teams up with Obama, who needs to get re-elected. And who's the fall guy? Johnny Footlicker. I mean, that's the thing. Footlicker's taking the fall.

It's not good. Anthony Perry. Tony Perry. Tony Perry. Oh, Tony Perry. He licks feet. He's a nice guy. Oh, Tony Perry. He licks feet. He's a nice guy. Oh, sorry.

I thought this was America. All right. One more news story before we get to the segment. A woman suffered repeated attempted sexual assaults after her husband allegedly posted a Craigslist ad pretending to be her and asking to be raped. At least two men powered their way into the woman's Twin Cities, Idaho home on separate occasions. Heard of this before. This has happened before. Yeah, with the intention of forcing her to have sex with him.

A man she did not know arrived at her home and told her, I'm here for you, and pushed his way inside. He chased her through the house as she ran, terrified, to where she kept a 9mm handgun, which he grabbed from her, firing shots that ricocheted around the room. They struggled and the woman's hand was slashed and she fought him off. At that point, the man fled. Two days later, at around 3.45pm on a Saturday, a second man broke in and police arrived to find the woman holding him at gunpoint in the living room.

He was arrested over the break-in and told police in an interview that he was responding to a casual encounters ad on Craigslist, supposedly posted by the victim. The person posting the ad told him she wanted to be forcibly raped as that was the fantasy of hers. He was told to force his way inside and rape the woman there and not stop no matter how much she resisted.

What happened, Jackie? I know that I pretend to be sometimes. That's ridiculous. Jackie, you're going against your pro-rape stance right now? I am usually pro-rape. I'm down for rape if you want to be raped. But that's awful. You don't love it.

That's fucking awful. She doesn't fucking know. I would fucking murder anyone that fucking came into my house and tried to rape me. I'll tell you, for gun rights, kill them. How would you take them down? Slow. With a small Pomeranian. Pomeranian. Oh yeah, definitely. Get rid of guns. Everyone just needs

dead Pomeranians in their fucking closet. If so, I'm like waiting for the day that someone comes in to try to rape me in my own home. Because I will fucking cut them limb from limb. So I'm going to be putting this in the Craigslist ad. Right, right.

You want to get cut real good, soldier boy? Come on in. So this is the ex-husband though. No, this is her husband. Her current husband. They must be fighting. He made sure to get out of the house because he would people would send him emails and he would respond as the wife saying, Yeah, I'll be home at this time.

Just come in. So this is something that he's into. Was he filming this at all? No, he just wanted to get back at her for something. A bad fucking broccoli dish? He wanted to get back at her for something? Yeah, this is like a revenge type thing. Yeah, it's a revenge thing.

And by the way, this has happened many times before. We've heard about it. Someone cut in with a joke because I'm amazed. I had a friend back in D.C. Hey, hold it. Fart really quick into the microphone. Word got out that he was the rape fantasy guy. This is a buddy of yours in high school.

And after I got out of school and first started just doing comedy, he was an artist. He did all this stuff. But all of a sudden, word got around that this is the guy you call and he will rape you. Well, who are you going to call? You got ghosts in your house.

You call the Ghostbusters. You want to get raped? You call your friend. He was a respectful gentleman. He understood the language. He was a good-looking man. And just word passed from friend to friend that this is a thing you can do. You call him and he does it.

And he would be describing these encounters. And I would just look at him horrified that this is someone's life. But the person who was raping loved it. Yeah. That's the thing. They wanted it. They wanted it. And that's fine.

I feel like it's fine. The idea of seeing an ad and actually going through with it, it's part of some weird fucked up subculture. Not fucked up. Whatever. Different fucked up ad and actually going through with it, it's part of some weird fucked up subculture. Not fucked, whatever. Different fucked up. Well, you can call it fucked up. Let's pass Justin on this one. Sure. He had no fucking idea.

The problem is because of text and email, you don't know who's telling you that it's okay or not. I mean, dude, I mean, I've even just like, just even like a little hair pulling. I'm like, you sure you want this? You know what I mean? Yeah. Hold a gun up to their head. You sure?

You fucking want this? No. Okay. Well, no means yes. But that's the weird thing about doing that sort of kinky sexual stuff. You ask too many, like, are you sure? You can't really ask. I mean, I was just kidding.

You can't. I'll just go ahead and pull hair. I won't ask before I pull hair. But I'm saying, like, I stopped choking. You stopped doing it. I'm telling you, gals love it. Gals love a whole bunch of real physical stuff.

I'll tell you what, I feel like we bring this up every time we have Mike on the show, but I mean, you pulled guns on women. Singular. Gun.

I pulled one gun on one woman. All right, we'll take his microphone over to that spot. You're going to follow me forever, you fucking scumbags.

You're calling us scumbags. You're going to do it with a gun? I don't know the story. It wasn't even a real gun. It was a broken BB gun for the fucking 90th time coming on this show. I mean, use this price. All right. And then what?

I took a broken BB gun out after I had sex with this girl, and I was like, hey, do you want to see my gun? And she got really scared. And what happened then, Mike? You know the kind of story you don't tell at a job interview, by the way. I know. Well, she wasn't, too. I know. I learned that the hard way at Toys R Us in 2008.

Was she your girlfriend or was it a one-night stand? No, it was like a one-night stand. It was a one-night stand? I was like, hey. You barely knew her? No. We went on a couple dates. I'm looking for the stock job here at Toys R Us.

It's not. It's nice. No, no. That's really crazy. I didn't pull the gun on her. How kind of a joke is that? We just fucked. I have a murder weapon.

It is a funny joke. It is comedy. It's the Payton switch. You think I'm going to go get you a glass of water, but I come back with a gun. I mean, it is comedy, right? Look, also, I was only 24 years old at the time. Oh, that's great. It was a young Kennedy mistake.

That's fine. 24. How old are you now? 25. Okay. Honestly, though, I was 20, and she was 24, and I was just like, do you want to see my gun? And she was like, no. And I was like, no, come on, it's okay.

Like, not implying that I was going to kill her with it. Sure. Being like, it was not like. Not implying in your mind. But I didn't tell her that it was a fit. Yeah, all right. Right. And then you put the gun up to her and you're like, I'm going to fucking kill you, bitch, and all that stuff.

I'll admit, I'm a little skewed when it comes to it. That's fine. That's right, we're all skewed. We're definitely skewed. But it wasn't like threatening at all. It're all skewed. We're definitely skewed. But it wasn't threatening at all. It was just... Okay, but in all honesty, what is scarier?

You fuck a chick, Jackie, you've just been fucked by a dude. He goes to his closet. He pulls out a gun or a dead Pomeranian. What is scarier? Well, a gun is hot. A dead Pomeranian is worse.

I'm telling you. So you did good. You didn't pull out a dead dog that everybody loves. You pulled out a gun is hot. A dead comrade is weird. I'm telling you, so you did good. You didn't pull out a dead dog that everybody loves. You pulled out a gun, Mike. And it's time for a segment from Old McNeely. All right. This kind of feeds into this segment. And I will apologize to the table.

You didn't tell anyone what this is. I did not tell people what this segment was. It's a pretty easy one, though, so I think we'll be all right. We don't have to go around the full circle. Whoever wants to start can start. If you could go back in time, alter one moment in history, what would it be? This kind of relates to

Mike's thing, is maybe you could choose not to pull the gun on the girl. That's not what I'm going to pick. No, it's not what I'm going to pick. She would pick it. If she could go back in time, she would be like, I wish Mike didn't pull the gun on me. Let's see, I could kill Hitler or not pull a gun on a girl. Well, is it all of history or personal history? I think we should do personal

history. Yeah, personal history. Yeah, because all of history, obviously, we're going to go stop the Holocaust and a whole bunch of fucking... Boring, boring, boring. Well, everyone would... Marcus, come on. I'm going to stop the Holocaust. Okay, I'll tell you what, then I'll start with personal history. It's super easy.

Birth. I'd fucking crawl right the fuck back into that bitch. By bitch, I mean my fucking mom. I fucking love that woman. And if I could be back in there just for a little bit longer, and that's the thing, I'd sort of like, it'd be like Alien or like Prometheus. I'd sort of like scramble back in there before the doctor could fully get me out

and just spend like five more seconds in that sweet sweet uterus kevin you look extremely upset right now how do you feel about holden's response i wasn't listening man he's just mad to be here yeah man i'm not i'm just still thinking about obviously if i was ahead of time machine and go back change change one thing, I'd go to that fucking barber and keep the place up. I could have been building a beautiful life with that woman right now. That's the thing, man. Kevin's got it. Before I saw the picture, I thought she was kind of shallow, but now I kind of see her. No, I don't think so. It's some sci-fi shit.

It's something to lick on. Mike, what about you? I have no idea. I was thinking of one. I mean, I wouldn't pull that gun on that girl, obviously, because now Louie Katz thinks I'm a weirdo. I already thought that dude don't know.

Louie doesn't judge. Maybe what I would do is I would tell the very qualified, capable people that work at TSA that 9-11's gonna happen. Okay, that's nice. We're doing personal history. I guess that's kind of personal. I don't know what happened.

I don't really have any regrets. You have no regrets? No regrets is how you're supposed to live. It's not how you're supposed to live when you pull a gun on a person. Well, it was fun. It was a fun time gun. No regrets. No, you have that tattooed on your lower back, don't you fun time, Gunn. No regrets. But I said that kind of... No, not really.

No, you have that tattooed on your lower back, don't you? Yeah. No, that's YOLO. He has YOLO. That's nice. Thanks for doing a Jay Welch bit on the round table. Oh, is there a Jay Welch bit? That's Jay's bit, yeah.

Yeah, nobody knows who that is. No regrets on the lower back? Yeah, he's got a tattoo. It doesn't matter. Does he have the tattoo? No, but do you ever think about that, about 9-11? Like, if you could go back to September 10th, 2001, how would you stop 9-11? If you knew what was going to happen?

They already knew what was going to happen, so nothing would have changed. I've got the joke, the similar joke. This is one of my jokes from my ex. We were saying people say they would go back in time and kill Hitler. I think if I traveled back in time to kill Hitler, I would get killed by Hitler, is what would happen. Yeah, most likely. And because no one thinks about what it would take to actually stop these huge historical things,

it's more intense than you think it would be. People don't really realize that Hitler was kind of a badass. During World War I? I think people got it. He loved that poo-poo. Maybe if you came back as Ava Braun. If you came back as Ava Braun. Somebody has a joke about going back in time.

I think Simon Rich, it's in a book of his, going back and killing Hitler as a baby. And someone's like, you just killed that baby. He would then take his place as that guy who only traveled back. The only person who ever traveled back in time and just randomly killed a baby. I've heard that joke.

It doesn't matter. We are in the midst of a segment right now. Fuck that joke. I would randomly killed a baby. I've heard that joke. Who's got that? It doesn't matter. We are in the midst of a segment right now. Fuck that joke. I would kill a Hitler baby. Fuck that baby. I would stomp his fucking baby skull in. That's not personal life. What are you doing, Louis, for personal life? It's just like over and just various mistakes with women. Do you want

a specific one? Give us a specific one. Pick an earlier one. Do one like most recent. Pick one that happened in the bathroom of a strip club. There's so many. How about, this is an easy one. The six year long relationship with

a Brazilian girl, instead of getting the fiancé visa to bring her over here and then having her, realizing that she was fucking another guy for the last year, I probably should have broke up with her after the first year. Yeah, but you learned Portuguese. I didn't learn Portuguese. You know Portuguese.

And not to trust women. That's nice. Portuguese. That's nice. And you got the Archduke. I did. Actually, the truth is, I could still go to Brazil and make the Archduke and make all the money I made off that without having my personal life torn apart.

And all of us here are huge fans of the Archduke. Everyone loves the Archduke and make all the money I made off that without having like my personal life torn apart I said we're dead and we are in all of us here a huge fans the Archduke everyone I was there for six years and she was fucking a dude for the last year. Yeah Yeah, it was like long does I would go see her every few months Brazil I lived in there for a year she was here for six months in Brazil yeah Yeah, I lived in Brazil for a year. Yeah, hoping with his chicks tits pretty big big It's been a harass nice fucking huge. She's how much did. Fucking huge. She was banging. She was fucking fat, right? No, she was not fat. She was hot.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I meant P-H-A-T. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you cheat on her? No, I didn't. Pretty hot. You remember that term from 1998?

I sure did. Well, that's good. And so who was the guy that she was fucking? It's the, again, Chris Rock bit. You know, he says it's the guy you suspect. It's like, you know, if you got a girlfriend and she's got a male friend that she's close with, that's the guy she's gonna be fucking,

or is fucking, currently. It was the dude she brought up. I'm like, alright, I'm trying to, because I've never been a jealous guy, I've never been an accusing guy, and I just, I trust people implicitly, and then it was that dude. So you would go back in time and not fuck that chick ever. I would go back in time and break up with her

after the year I spent in Brazil like a normal person instead of staying with her for five more fucking years and wasting my youth. So how do you know she was only banging this dude for one year?

She was probably fucking him for all five. She only met him later on, but it doesn't matter. It does not matter. Fuck a long-distance relationship between hemispheres. I should have broke up with her

and fucked various women in my early 20s. Yeah, absolutely. Marcus, can you play Britney Spears stronger in the background when you play Britney Spears? I feel like it's good.

Without a doubt. Okay, good. Wait, she was fucking someone the first year of your relationship? No, no, no. She was just fucking him. Just the last.

I mean, she was probably fucking everybody. I should have just broke up with her when I left Brazil. We had our fucking good year. It's done. How do you think an intercontinental relationship would work?

Dude, I was young. You're young. I thought it was going to work. I did the same thing. I fucking had a fling with this chick. But it was Florida and New York. He's fucking Brazilian. Even Florida and New York is too much.

Nah, man. I fucking dated. I was like 21 and there was a girl and she went to Korea and we were like, we were dating for like two years. We were like reeling into each other and I was like, nah, bitch, you're on the other side of the world. You're on the finals for the StarCraft championship. Yeah. Anyway, so do you regret breaking up?

So you broke up with her when she left? You're going to Korea, we're breaking up. Yeah, yeah, but we're still, we're cool. And you were okay with that? You don't regret that decision? You gotta break up, man. I know, I know. She stole a whole bunch of land.

There were whales between you. There were fucking sea animals. Fucking echolocation and shit, man. I know a whole bunch of land... There are whales between you. There are fucking sea animals. Fucking echolocation and shit, man. There's a sea animal between you and your fucking girlfriend.

You can't be together anymore. I thought you were just saying there's other fat chicks that could be fucking. Well, yeah, I know you love sharks

or sea squids. All right, so, Marcus, what are we doing? What's the moment? Me? Oh, wait, hold on. I gotta share. Yeah, go ahead, Jay. I fantasize for years. What's the moment? Me? Oh, wait, hold on. I gotta share. Yeah, go ahead, Jay.

I fantasized for years. The second I get a hold of a time machine, I'm going to find Jim Henson and tell him to stop his bullshit religion and still be alive. What happened with Jim Henson? What was his religion? He was a Jehovah's Witness

and that's why he died of pneumonia because he didn't see a fucking doctor. Oh, interesting. Punch him in his face and be like, your Jesus is a lie. Come with me. How do you deprogram a person, though?

It's so hard. Punching and yelling. Is that how it works? You gotta hit him in the head with a fucking dead Pomeranian. Your priority is puppetry.

That's what you would change in history is more puppets. Muppetry. There's a difference. There is a difference. That's true. Muppetry.

Very, very true. All right, Ben, what are we doing Ben Oh my god Feel free Go go go Go go Jackie The first three men

That I slept with Were all gay So I feel like That they Really Before or after Alright Alright

We need a gong We need a fucking gong For this show That's bullshit I don't know So I feel like That must have Made me weird, right? I'm weird now?

Forever? No, you're not weird. That's not weird. Yeah, yeah, no, I think it makes me weird. Why? Because you fucked a bunch of gay dudes? Yeah. They were nice.

They treated you well. Yeah, of course. If I have a daughter, I want every one of her first boyfriends to be gay. Gay men are much more polite to gals than fucking straight men because straight men want to do disgusting things with gals' butts and things of that nature. I mean, I think you did a good thing. Yeah, of course, and you can't finish it. I feel like now, though, that I am the

pants of every relationship because I'll never date another gay man ever again. So do you feel like you only fuck gay men because you were such a strong woman that they thought you were a man? They're like, I can pretend she's a man. Well, yeah, also because I had complete dominance over them. Right, right. I will say my brother,

Chris, he loves the dick. He loves semen all over his throat. And he fucked this chick, Amy, throughout his entire high school experience. He would just constantly fuck her. So gay men can fuck chicks and still ejaculate. It's really hard to make them cum, though. Oh, yeah, because you're not the thing they want. It's really hard to make them cum, though. Oh, yeah,

because you're not the thing they want. It's like when you fucking It's like when you fucking tub of tuna. Yeah. And you're like, this is really taking a while because I like people.

I would fuck women. And like, well, you weren't, they're not a dick. You don't have a dick. It's like if fucking, if that chick went home with you, Kevin, she would have such a hard time cumming

because you don't like those fucking razor bumps. This is the best conversation about time travel I've ever been a part of. It really is. All right. I don't even, I've ever been a part of. It really is. All right. I don't even,

I've made so many mistakes in my life. I literally cannot be a 10.1. Pick the worst one. I will not pick the worst one because that cannot be said publicly because I fucked a pig.

I honestly, I fucked a pig and I fucked a horse. You get the job. I literally, I literally got, I literally got the idea of who I wanted to fuck

from this Chinese restaurant. They had a placemat and I was looking at the Zodiac, and I was like, oh my god, look at that pig. Look at that horse. Best joke, Kissel. Best joke. I always do well. No.

So that's pretty much it. Louie beat you 100%. No, I feel bad because there was one time in high school I got very drunk, and I was driving around, and then I showed up at a party, and it was was a big what to do and they were like, you're not invited. And I was like, I'm fucking here. And so I would take that back because I felt bad about it. Anyway, that doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

All right, Marcus. Most of mine have to do with drugs. I would say I probably wouldn't have spent that year doing coke. Why not? Because it's always a terrible idea. Yeah. And also I wouldn't have gone off my medication last year as well.

What happened when you went off your medication? I was just fucking miserable for like a year. But you did find out you were the Messiah. That was pretty great. There's one nice thing about going off your medication. You're in pain, but you realize you're God. Yeah, no, that didn't happen.

No, no, no, I just slept a lot. Oh, you cried. I cried a lot. Yeah. All right. No, you guys were here. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you guys cried. You guys remember 2011? Wait, were you crying? I always just thought you were weeping with happiness. That's so sad. Well, I'll tell you one thing, Holden. This segment has just thought you were weeping with happiness. That's so sad. Well, I'll tell you one thing, Holden. This segment has probably gone the worst segment of all time. Yeah, because no one wins. Everyone is just sad.

Well, I was about to say, Marcus, it's usually a contest, so you have to pick a winner in the second place. Who wins? I don't... I think I had a good one, because I made that funny joke about the pig and the horse in the Chinese restaurant. You son of a bitch! Yeah, I mean... I'll take the win. the horse in the Chinese restaurant. You son of a bitch!

I'll take the win. Mommy womb. Mommy womb wins. Well, it's kind of... Actually, Louie Katz only had... Louie's mic is here too. Genuine, beautiful, sad, sad, upsetting. My pain is so recent and real.

Invisible. I still don't understand why you think that messed you up that you fuck gay dudes. Why? Why is that? Because look at me.

I don't know, Jackie. What's wrong with you? What's wrong? Because they fucked me because I didn't know they were gay at the time. Yeah, but that's not a point. Fuck it.

Jake wins. Let's get the fuck out of here. I win. I win. All right, Jackie wins. I get points. I get points here. I win. Alright, Jackie wins. I get points. Thank you for being here so much, Louis Katz. Thank you so much. Welcome back, Jackie.

Oh, damn. Fuck that. Thank you for being here, Jake. Mike, how you feeling, buddy? Perfect. I got a leak. We gotta go. Nerd of Mouth podcast. Nerd of Mouth. Listen. Boring.

Yeah, listen to Nerd of Mouth. Everybody loves it. That's nice. That was a nice thing. It was a very nice thing. You're the best person. Thank you. Yeah, everybody loves to listen to it.