The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 108: Giving Back To The Community

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On this, the 108th episode of the Round Table: a boy with Tourette's is beaten up for his involuntary Nazi salutes, a Christian puppeteer is arrested for plotting to cook and eat children, and 248 fetuses are found in a Russian forest. This week we've got Molly Knefel, Michelle Wolf, John Roy (briefly), and Saman Arbabi!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. It's Zegma. Zeg just pray, Holden. Okay, alright, everyone please close your eyes for a guided meditation. gentlemen. Always civility. It's exactly what we wanted to hear. Okay, alright, everyone please close your eyes for a guided meditation. You are a trophy inside of a glass

case in a high school. You can hear at the corner of your trophy ears some kids laughing. What are they laughing at? In the corner of your eye you can see a large man with red hair being held down against his will. Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Where's the story going?

The glass case opens. The trophy is removed. You're moving towards the large man. Why are you moving towards him? Yeah, why are you moving towards him? And better yet, why are his pants down around his ankles? Oh, God. Oh, God, you're entering the man's ass.

Oh, Lord. What the fuck, Holden? This is just my story. He's screaming in pain. Oh, God. You're entering the man's ass. Oh, Lord. Fuck, Holden. This is just my story. He's screaming in pain. Everyone's screaming, Ben, Ben. All right. Who is Ben? That's freaking bullshit.

Who is Ben? Oh, God. And then there's darkness because his asshole is clenched around your trophy body. And all of a sudden, the eyes open. You're no longer a trophy. You're a large, not a large, a tall, skinny, gangly man with tattoos of vegetables on your body. In my ass?

No, not in the ass. This is a different place. You're at Union Pool staring at one Molly Neffel. She wants to kiss you. Will you kiss her? Will you kiss her? She seems interested, but you know she's not. What do you have to say.

You move in, you go for a kiss, you relax, you breathe, and you find yourself on the round table of gentlemen. Oh, wow, what a great prayer, Holden. Amen. Anytime I can remember my vicious and violent rape via a prayer, I like to feel it. Oh, he was raped with a trophy. That's fine.

Who was? All right. Who's all here? Jackie Zabrowski. You're drunk, Jackie. I'm drunk. I've been drinking all day. Molly Neffel subbing in for Ed Larson.

Yeah! That's good. Thank Christ. Finally, someone just as stinky as Eddie. Thank you. I'm going to laugh loudly, too. Holden McNeely. Ben was raped with a trophy.

Very funny story and good prayer. Holy Lord. And then sitting in for Kevin Barnett, we got Saman Arbabi and Michelle Wolfe. Only a man and a woman can make up for one full Kevin Barnett. Although everyone can make up for Kevin Barnett. That's right. Well, I don't know what that means, Michelle. We're going to figure out if you fucked Kevin or if he just came all over your face. We're going to find that out by the end of this podcast.

And then, of course, we've got Jeff Wessel-Schmidt sitting in here. Thanks for being here, Jeff. Thank you. You really got a trophy stuck up your ass? Shut the fuck up, Jeff. Shut the fuck up, Jeff. What sport? A basketball trophy.

What other sport do you win trophies in? It's got a ball at the top of it, too, right? Yeah, exactly. It's got a ball. I'm not some fucking gay boy getting swimmer's trophies stuck up my ass. Unless it's the Jerry West pose and it's his head at the top and the ball's dribbling. Yeah, and that guy who's making a really funny joke about trophies being shoved up my ass is John Roy. Yes, and I'm in subbing for Luke Russer.

Thank you for being here, John. I'm sorry about your father. And Marcus, you got some great news stories for us today, buddy. What do you got? Oh, God, I love this one so much. A German teenager who can't help making Nazi salutes because he suffers from Tourette's Syndrome was beaten unconscious by a black man who thought he was insulting him.

This is reverse racism. Where? That is racism. It's not racism. It's not racism. It is anti-special needsism. The black guy had Tourette's too that caused him to punch uncontrollably. Where was the location of this story?

Germany. Oh no, he did it on purpose. And it made the news in Germany? What are black people doing in Germany? That's a great question. And my other question is, is the Tourette's kid from Germany? Yes, he is. Did you try them back in the day?

None of them exist anymore? Well, the kid's name is Jarrett Oler. He was 16. He was with two friends who tried to explain to the enraged man that the salute was not meant as an insult and that he could not control his arm, but when the Tourette's led the teenager to grin insanely at the man as well, he went mad, hitting Jared

so hard that he ended up unconscious. It sounded like he was using Tourette's as some kind of ploy to do his devilish acts. Do you think this is an excuse for his Nazi beliefs? Yes, completely. Interesting. I feel like I probably did the same thing. beliefs? Yes, completely. Interesting. Doesn't Jared... I mean, that guy probably did the same thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it was all deserved. You Nazi big bastard. It was all deserved. Take my fist in your throat. John, what do you got? Why does a black guy have a problem with Nazis? Black people have a big problem with Nazis.

They didn't exactly get along great. White people... General white supremacy shit. Jared Older sounds like just the name of a shithead. Like in your class, like, oh, Jared Oler. We got to go to Jared Oler's house. It's just a shitty sounding name. I'm going to that house, though.

Anytime you have a buddy who fucking has Tourette's and constantly gives the Nazi salute while grinning like you just took a bunch of mushrooms, I mean, that's a friend you want to have for life. That's just a great bar conversation at all times. And if you ever wanted to get some lead out and get into a fight, just take him out in the middle of Germany and you'll have yourself

a nice little brawl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was he actually saying it or was he like doing the whole salute shit? He just does, all he does is he does the salute,

he sticks his hand up in the air and he clenches his teeth together and grins insanely. That's not Tourette's, man. This motherfucker's a Nazi. That's just howrette's, man. This motherfucker's a Nazi. That's just how that

Hitler name comes out. Hitler's not grinning. When you do a Hitler speech and you do the whole march, that's not Tourette's, okay? That's like more than that. No, he is not Hitler. The fucked up,

the crazy thing about Tourette's is that... Tyler! She doesn't know what you're talking about. The fucked up, the crazy thing about Tourette's is that... Twilight Files! Roger! She doesn't know what you're talking about. Politics doesn't belong in the round table with gentlemen. I'm not talking about... I'm just saying that the whole thing about Tourette's

is that you say the thing you're at least supposed to say. It's part of the neurological mix-up. And so the fact that he grinned... So if I had Tourette's, I'd be like, you're attractive. No, no, no. It's usually like a word. It's like, fuck shit. No, no. That's not true.

But there is documented... You're just selling ketchup for a second. There's cases of people... There's cases of people in the United States who say the N-word compulsively. What is the N-word, Molly? What is the N-word, Molly? In Nevada.

What is that word? Every time people say it, what is it? Neighbor? I love my neighbor. I don't know what the N-word is. Nighttime. Ninja. Ninjas hide, they kill.

Ninja's good. Wessel Schmidt, you had something to say here. Yeah, I mean, I think the people that are really to blame are his friends. It sounds like this dude does this all the time. Right. Whenever they see a black guy around, they have to know, we've got to get this guy the fuck out of here. Yo, that's Tony Tourette's.

But the black guy's not Jewish. Yeah, but the Aryan race was blonde. Everyone else was garbage, according to the Nazis. Well, except for Hitler. Yeah, except for Hitler, who was not blonde. But he wasn't black. But nonetheless, Michelle, before you defend the Nazi right, you have red hair. They would have fucking murdered you.

You would have been hanging out with that Jewish... He would have been kissed by fire. She's lucky. Listen, I could have seduced... I think we should burn her. Yeah! I could have seduced the Nazis well enough to not be killed. I got a Mexican to buy me nachos yesterday.

Oh, well, that's so difficult for a Mexican to pull nachos out of his back pocket. You got a Nazi to buy you nachos. That would have been a little more... If you get a Nazi to buy you a food that is not European or Anglo-Saxon in nature, that's a big deal. My last name is Wolf. That's a super German... Wolf and Mayer. Those are my last names.

I'm German through and through. All right, don't be so proud about it. It's a disgusting German. Wolf and Mayer. Those are my last names. I'm German through and through. All right, don't be so proud about it. It's a disgusting race that nobody likes. I am practically a Nazi. Ben, you're German through and through. Do you have any idea what self-hatred I have? I'm saying I'm practically a Nazi. You are practically a Nazi.

So if you had to seduce a Nazi, let's say you were living in a Jewish bookstore. I don't know why. You were homeless and they took you in. Why does she live in the store? I don't know why she's living in this house. I don't know why. You were homeless and they took you in. Why does she live in the store? I don't know why she's poor. I don't know why she's poor. Things were hard during World War II. They were hard.

You were living above the Jewish bookstore. And you can use the books as blankets. Exactly. You can use the books as blankets. You were a homeless gal wandering around Germany. A Jewish bookstore took you in. You were like, we have so many books that you can use to cuddle yourself in. A Nazi gentleman walks in through the front doors.

Give me your parents. Who are these people who let you stay here? And what will you do for me so I don't send you to the camps? Is she sexy? What are you doing for this guy? I mean, she's Michelle, so it's up for debate. I mean, it's tough to say. Michelle is not a universally attractive person.

All right. Anyway, so you two. What happened? No, I am not saying. I'm not either. I'm not either. I'm fat Ron Weasley over here. Exactly. Exactly? No, I am not saying... I'm not either. I'm not either. There's some fat Ron Weasley over here. Exactly.

Exactly. No, I'm just kidding. Everyone wants to fuck you. So, Michelle, what are you going to... I'm not a universally attractive... First of all... But to a German man, you are. To a German man...

I'm German. All right. To this German man, you are. I would love to fuck you. All right. I'll fuck you right now. Regardless of... No.

Gizzle. I feel like you can. Oh, so I can't call her ugly. I'll fuck you right now. Regardless of... No, a gizzle? I feel like... You can't. Oh, so I can't call her ugly and I can't rape her. What the fuck am I supposed to do? You're right. It's a van. Here's the thing.

Terrible woman. Why do I come here? Molly, what is your thoughts? I don't want to rape her anyway. Regardless if I could be raped right now or not. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. If a man came in and was like, where are your parents?

I will take you away if you don't tell me I would tell them that's what they said too that was the script that the SS ran I would tell them where my parents were

number one where are your parents number two I can take you away and then you bang him I mean if it would save me I'd bang him as an officer

you got to yeah you gotta give it up you gotta give up yeah but check this out though the girls that fucked the German army in France were then like like, a lot of times they were beaten and murdered and shit.

Yeah, same with power. They should be murdered anyway. Oh, so we can't win? We can't win? It's also worth pointing out that now the very popular hairstyle amongst hipsters in Greenpoint and Williamsburg is the SS shaved on the sides, long on top. Not saying that they were hot. The Moshe Kasher? I would be unattractive by the Nazi part,

but it is an attractive hairstyle now. Moshe Kasher, a very, very funny comedian, by the way. And also Jewish, but he has that haircut. He's a wonderful man. He's taking the power back. Have you fucked a hipster? By the way, Michelle, you're beautiful, and I don't want to rape you.

I think you're gorgeous. I was just making a joke. I know one thing about... That should be a greeting card. You're beautiful, and I don't want to rape you. I think you're gorgeous. I was just making a joke. I know one thing about... That should be a greeting card. You're beautiful and I don't want to rape you. I'm just making a joke. Yeah, exactly. I do know one thing about Michelle that I learned last night that I will say.

Michelle, never fuck a white dude. No, no, no. All right, no, no. Lost her virginity to a white dude. German experiment. Molly just clapped, by the way. She gave us a little clap. Molly is so happy.

If Molly could switch vaginas with one person in here, it would be you, Michelle. Listen, I have fucked two white dudes. What were the rest? Black! They're all black! Is that why you're

sitting in for Barnett? That's why I'm sitting in for Barnett! But Barnett doesn't fuck just black. Barnett fucks white kids. No, he only fucks Cuban girls. Yeah. All right, Barnett fucks a whole bunch of people. He's got a wonderful monster cop.

Here's the thing. Chicks love it. I, you know, I tend to have sex with black guys. And why do you tend to have sex with black? It's wonderful. I wish I was your vagina as well. What is your favorite thing? That's weird. It's fine. I want to be fucked by a black dude. Jackie's right. I wish I was your vagina as well. What is your favorite thing? That's weird.

It's fine. I want to be fucked by a black dude. Jackie's right. That's fine. That should also be an ingredient part. Ben would like to be fucked by a black dude. Exactly. I just want to smell it.

With a trophy. You want to smell it? Wait, what do you want to smell like? What do you want to smell like? It doesn't matter. I was just going to make a classic old shrimp taco joke or something like that. It was a smelly pussy joke. It doesn't matter.

So what was the thing about fucking the black dudes that you liked the most? Oh, I don't know. Compared to the white guys. Where do the white guys fail? Because we have to help a lot of our audience are over there in England. They have the Olympic Games. That's right. There's a whole diverse group of people emerging on their city.

There's going to be some folks who are going to fuck some people that they would not have had an opportunity to fuck before. So what is your advice to those English fellas who want to fuck those sweet, sweet gals? The women in the clear and jerk? The women in the clear and jerk. I finally learned the name of women lifting heavy objects. It's called clear and jerk. It's called the clear and jerk. I do that every night.

Exactly. Next news story. Exactly. Next news story. A professional puppeteer who acted out Bible stories at his church plotted from his Florida mobile home to torture, cook, and eat children, authorities say. Oh, man. I saw Henry posted this story on the round table. Oh, yeah. He didn't do it, did he?

Ronald William Brown, 57, of Largo, Florida, is charged with conspiring to kidnap a child and possession of... Child pornography. Yo! Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's all right. I was literally looking at this thing. I would love it to be marijuana. Jeff, and when you said child pornography, I was like, well, nobody's going to get this. And you got it.

I mean, isn't that what you think dudes that fucking are professional puppeteers do? Yeah. Jeff, just set me straight. Come on closer to the table. Get on the middle there. There's a fucking monster that's no room. Yeah, because that's what happens. You get little boy puppets.

His little boy puppet is named Marty. Well, this guy looks like a pedophile. And his is the chief thing that he talked about on the Christian Network, because he would go on the Christian Network and do his whole thing, and the show was called, let's see here, Joy Junction was his show.

At least it wasn't like Lickies or something like that. And the one thing that he talked about most on the show was pornography. And the evils of pornography. Oh, and how bad it is to kids? He probably did a lot of research, right? Just for his show. His whole thing was dirty pictures. I bet he went to church every Sunday.

It's like, so Marty, what did you do today? Well, I read everything. There were some friends that were hanging out, and they had some dirty pictures. You were a big fan of this show. It's terrifying and vivid. I mean, you have to know your subject matter.

If you're going to be talking anti-pornography, you have to know a lot about pornography. Investigators say they found child pornography on his computer as well as online chats with another man about quote, killing, dismembering, and eating a specific boy at Brown's church. Citing the 29-page affidavit filed in the federal court in Tampa, the images are said to be graphic, depicting children bound and gagged,

and some children appear to be dead. Wait, this is another Florida story, correct? Yeah, this is Largo, Florida. Can we get less 20 minutes from where I grew up? Can we agree? I will say, though, every story we talk about on the roundtable is 20 minutes from where either

Jackie, Holden, or Ed grew up or went to college or something. Or Kevin. When the investigators come in and they find the computer, do they have to click through all the... When do you start going, oh, I'm watching. Whoa. Well, the law says I got to click through these.

No, those people last on average a year in the unit because they have to go through. They have to look at these. Is that real? Yeah, that's real. Did you learn that statistic from Law & Order SVU? No. I did not. I learned that from SVU.

Yeah, it's a good place to learn things. Jeff, what do you think? Molly, I read. I want to know how many times did he suggest, because he had this other guy. How many people did he try to bring up? Like, hey, you want to fucking eat kids with me? He finally found someone who's like, yeah, that sounds awesome. Well, I think that the moral of the story is clearly don't ever go to church.

Absolutely. Anyone? That's a given. Okay, so all the, like, Are we going to have to flush the toilets soon? Fucking black guys. Yeah, anytime. I've got a lot to say about this.

Well, yeah, I mean, the conversation starters, and then there's, like, church situations. Well, I still think this guy is less of a sinner than Michelle. Wait, hey, hey, hey. Hey, Michelle, don't worry about it. Listen, wait, wait. Fucking black dudes, you't worry about it. Listen, wait, wait. Fucking black dude, he's a racial bitch.

Because I fuck black guys? What is that? I'm sorry. Hold on. Can we have Jackie? Can we? How do you do? Wait, wait, wait.

You think a guy that wants to dismember a child. It was a joke, you know, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a joke. That was the point. He was doing that as a fake exaggerating. The guy has his own website.

It's called puppetsplus.com. Good for him. They're all plus-sized puppets. And it's all in a Comic Sans font, by the way. It is. You gotta love Comic Sans. Oh, yeah. Going back to a point that we were talking about on a couple of episodes.

It might have been on another podcast. But because he wants to kill the boy and then cook him and eat him, does that make it better? Would you be like, oh, he killed the child, but he ate the kid? Like the Native Americans. It was for good. He used every part of the kid. He used all the kids. He used all the bones.

He muddled up the bones. He made a lamp out of the skin. Exactly. Yeah, he really had the end of the child. Get a wig out of the hair. Oh, yeah, it's fine. I think we can all agree that Ed Gein is a better serial killer morally than John Wayne Gacy. I agree.

And this is the thing. Why was... I'm sorry, Molly. I was just going to say one of his clients is the Salvador Dali Museum. I love the Salvador. That's in St. Petersburg, Florida. Wonderful museum. And also McDonald's, Dillard's.

Why did Ed Gein get such a bad rap? He only killed two people, right? Holden, I want you to weigh in on this He only killed two people And then for the most part he was just a grave robber And as opposed to letting that flesh waste underground And allowing worms to eat through all of that material He made a couch out of it

He made a lampshade out of it He made ashtrays out of skulls I mean, he's weird Because he eventually was going to use alive people to do it. Well, no, he wasn't going to use alive people. He would have eventually. I don't think so, because there was bodies underneath the ground. You know, because he didn't do it.

And, I mean, hold it. Who did he kill? Isn't that not nicer? Who did he kill? Just two clients at a stop and shop that he went to. Yeah, two girls who worked at the convenience store with him. Yeah, two workers there. Oh, so he just killed his coworkers.

That's it, pretty much. Well, if he worked at a convenience store, that's like justifiable homicide. Exactly. I'm happy they were dead. They never got the fucking, they never got the right products on hand. But Holden, is that not better than just letting that skull

waste down in the belows? Here's what I'm going to say about this. If you're going to kill people, give back to society. I think you should have made like some basketballs and baseballs and things like that. Skate or basketballs?

And do like a kid's summer program and do like sports. Ski for basketballs? And do, like, a kid's summer program with, and do, like, sports. But instead, he used it all on himself. It was like, oh, a couch for me. Oh, curtains for me. So his biggest, his biggest, your biggest gripe about Ed Gein was that he was selfish.

He was selfish. You should have given back to the community. Get, like, make, put a, make a curtain for the town theater hall. Like Ikea. You know, it's a, it's a, yeah, you imagine if there was Ikea bones, you're like,

I can't get this femur to attach to this goddamn shoulder. It's already made in sweatshops in China and Vietnam and shit, so you just add some more matter as well. Simone, what would you do with a dead body? You have a full dead body. You could eat it. You could carve it. You could make whatever you want out of it.

What are you creating? With a dead body. I mean, what's that Tom Gunn character? Tim Gunn? Tim Gunn. Tim Gunn. How you doing? That's a tough question.

Who is that Tom Gunn from the Middle Eastern? That one fellow. Is he Tom Gunn? It's just funny, John. You never heard. That's a tough question because us Middle Easterners, we don't deal with dead bodies. We blow shit up. There's no dead bodies.

Right. So I don't know what would happen with a dead body. Well, I mean, really, you could argue that the Middle Easterners There's no dead bodies. I don't know what would happen with a dead body. You could argue that the Middle Easterners could use the dead bodies in a better way because since they're blown up the bodies are already separated. You have an arm here. You have a leg there. You just pick up little flesh

pieces of shit. You know what we're doing right now? Breaking boundaries. Breaking boundaries. Is that the boredom barrier? What boundary is that? This is Rainbow Connection right here. This is a Benetton ad.

The boredom barrier. This is like the whole world come together. Is that the no laughs in two minutes barrier that you broke? I don't know which boundary. Imagine though like. You definitely broke that one. Imagine you have like a guy. Imagine you have like a blown up body and you have an arm.

But you're like the kind of guy that likes to have someone caress your face and you just take that arm and you caress your face. Do you attach that arm to a blow up doll or do you just have the arm go free? You just have the arm go free. This is an arm you found on the street

because of some sort of bomb. Would you prefer a black arm? Listen, arms are insignificant to the color. Black arms are big on the game right now. Black or white arms are pretty. I'm colorblind when it comes to disembodied limbs. Most limbs make you colorblind.

But if you had someone that was blown up in some sort of event, but, like, you, like... Okay. Like the World Cup games and shit. Michelle poses a good question. If you did have to have one part of the human body that was blown apart, I mean, what part are you keeping?

On our own body? No, on someone else's body. So you want love. Why do I want any of that? I don't know, John. What are these questions even going towards? Comedy, John. Well, when we get there, let me know. My question is, if you're in love with somebody, what part of their body would you want blown off in an explosion? I want their brains.

I want my Jackie Onassis moment. You know what? I'm going thumbs so I can give movie reviews. Oh, that's very funny. Jackie, what part of the body do you want? Facebook legs. Yeah. Facebook legs.

I just want their ankles. Why do you want their ankles? Oh, man. Achilles heel. I just want to feel their Achilles heel. Slowly cut it. And I'm going to rub it up against me and be like, oh, it's a strength. Oh, it's a strength.

You treat it like an energy drink for you. Everything I have from a lover's body, I'm going to rub against my clit. I was going to say ear or something inconsequential because if they lose their thumbs or their fingers, then they can't get you off manually. Do you feel like you would want their ear because you want someone to listen?

It's a symbol for how I feel like people don't listen to me. I feel like if you use your ear and rub it against your clit, you could also get it. Molly is definitely a feminist. No, no, no. If I could have any point of a man's body, I'd love their ears. I could still talk to them and let them know my ideas. All right.

I'm saying I want the rest of their body to still be functional and giving me orgasms. What about you, Ben? What do I want? I don't know. This is your question. You can't duck out of you, Ben? What do I want? I don't know. This is your question. You can't duck out of it. John, what do you want? Doesn't matter.

You go. You were asked and you asked everything. Let's move on, Marcus. All right, a five-year-old child has... Shut up and answer it. No, I don't want any part of the body. Why ask everybody that? Why not?

A five-year-old child has been found living with cows in the Russian countryside, unable to speak and only capable of communicating through mooing noises. Yes! That's amazing. This is nuts. This is actually maybe the most amazing thing I've ever heard. That's not true, is it? Yeah.

The feral girl was rescued by Russian police after a neighbor in the Solikomsk. Solikomsk. God bless Ural Mountains raised the alarm. The unnamed child does not know how to eat properly, preferring to drink milk from a saucepan. Jeff, you got a hot first date. You never met this girl. All you know is her parents are cows. How are you treating her and why? Oh, Jesus.

That's tough. I mean, you can't go. You're very limited where you can go to eat. Take her to the pasture. Take her to the pasture. Maybe an OCB. You can take her to any buffet. Definitely not a vegan joint. You're fucked.

Yeah, because you're also going to be like, I mean, I guess you could try to be funny. Like, look, we're eating your cousin or some shit. Yeah, you should go to a vegan joint. You don't want to have any cows on the menu when you take your cow child. I don't think the cow person can read menus. I don't think they gave her that skill. John, you are taking all of this way too literally.

In cow school, they know how to die. They know that. And then stand by the highway. I don't know what else they really know how to do. But if I were a female cow, I'd be like, no, I'll eat all these other cows. All cows are female. Because I'm the best cow. Male cows are called bulls.

And she gets raped by bulls. John, I'm about to cut you off. I'll get out of here and go laugh somewhere. John, you have to leave now. Bye, guys. Goodbye, John. John Roy. I'm serious.

Yeah, it's good. No, don't kick us out. I hope there's lots of good dismembered body questions while I'm gone, and I look forward to questions that cannot be answered by the person who posed them. I love it. See you guys. Bye. John Roy, everybody.

John Roy. Thanks for being here. All right, so you're not going to shrink this woman beautifully and wonderfully? She's a cow. What am I going to do? I'm going to probably tie her up to a tree and have sex with her. I don't know. Don't tie her up to a tree and fuck her, man.

She's still a person. Not really. She's mostly cow. No, she deserves to get raped. She's not mostly cow. She should be raped by either human or bull. Jeff, move over and share a mic with Jackie over there. Share a mic with me.

Come with me, Jeff. There is no evidence that this person is anything but a person other than the fact that she was raised by cows. Does that make her less of a person, though? Yes, it does. I mean, this is a nature versus nurture argument. She's not a person anymore. Her parents are cows.

But also, well, then make me a radical feminist if I say cows don't deserve to get raped either. Well, I don't know if that makes you a radical. They don't. No, because it's a tough question to ponder. I mean, I don't know if cows makes you a I don't know if that makes you a It's a tough question I mean I don't know if cows do deserve They don't deserve to become like a They don't consent Cows never consent

Do you eat meat? No I don't You're a vegetarian? I am I'm a vegetarian Absolutely Are you kidding me? You didn't figure that out the first time But they've never said no

Teach them how to say no And then we'll fucking talk I mean a moo and a no But they've never said no. Teach them how to say no and then we'll fucking talk. I mean, a moo and a no, I mean, it's very similar sounds. Moo. No. Moo. A moo can sound a lot like yes. You can also come while mooing too.

I am disengaging from this conversation. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Wessels! Moo! Moo! Moo! Wessel Schmidt, you treated her very well on your date. That sounds like a good time to me. That sounds like a good time to me. Would you prefer an African American cow?

Of course. Yeah, just with some, it's a black cow with white spots. A brown cow? Yeah, okay. There was a time in history where there was a big mass movement of cows being moved from Africa by boat to America. No, you just got to get the ones that produce chocolate milk. We have black cows. We better move on.

Don't bring these racial things into this. Don't talk about cows here. Don't bait Jackie like this. Yeah, I'll get the big of milk bulls. I want them in my pan. That's all her going on with this, man. I know it. Don't blame me. If you had a date with a gal who was raised, what animal

do you want your girl to be raised by? We got one with cows. Do you want like a goat woman? Maybe a sheep woman? A chicken gal? They're providers. They know how to cluck. Perhaps they know how to cluck. An otter woman? An otter woman. Good at the house. Good to be out. Otters are great.

Yeah. Yeah. What animal do you want raising the girl of your dreams? You're asking some fucked up questions. I know it, dude. You got to get your mind around it. We're here to get the truth out of people. I'm the Geraldo Rivera of the round table.

Everyone said it. I mean, no one ever has, but I just did. I like it. I like it. A cat? You want a woman raised by cats? So you want a woman that's going to grow up to be a total bitch and just run away from you?

Why do you think cats are bitches? Have you ever seen a cat? Cats are amazing! I think Marcus means that they're bitches because they don't pay attention to you all the time. No, cats are good. That's true. They're both codependent and independent. And at the same time, that feline. That's true. They're both codependent and independent. And at the same time,

you get that feline thing is very sexy. It speaks very positively to your character. Yeah, this actually makes all of us want to date you. You are now very attractive. All the women are like, God. Not that you weren't before. You were very attractive before.

Is that the most fun? Independent, independent. Molly, is that the most feminist answer he could have given? If not, what is the other most feminist animal? Well, I think any man who values independence than a woman is. That's very attractive. Spider. No, you want a spider.

But spiders can't raise a baby, Jackie. No, they can't raise a baby, but they leave you alone. You fucking inject your seed into them, and then they carry your seed like a white sack on their underbelly and they never want to see whoever again. That's true. That is true. This is what post-war want.

Carry your seed along. Now I have to deal with a woman. That's true. That's a good point. I think the ultimate is probably a praying mantis where you're like, oh no, you fuck me then I murder you.

Yeah, I'm gonna eat you, you bitch. I love, this is a very strong female round table. I love it. I love your point of views. Three women and one, two, three, four, five men. Well, let's be fair. I have breasts. I'm very sensitive. The round table that have actual mics.

I'm gonna go ahead and... And they're strong. That is true. Three strong mic gals. I'm also surprised that this Persian man isn't constantly stealing the mic from me and telling me to cover myself. Jesus, Michelle. Look at him. He looks good. What are you talking about?

No, no, no. As opposed to John, who was just here and got kicked out, that would not let me speak on the mic because he took over the mic while he was here. He is very funny. He does not care about what women think, and I hope that he gets dead. No, no, no, no, no. That's ridiculous. All right, Marcus, give us...

It's too much. No, it's not too much. Nothing's too much. I mean, it's the fucking round table, the greatest podcast of all time. Nothing is too much. All right, Marcus, give us a story, buddy. This one's for the ladies.

It's for the ladies! Marcus, you have to throw it to him right now Can we go to this later please Oh no Okay first of all ladies Look how threatened Ben is With three women in the room He's like shut up for a second How tall do I have to be to not be threatened by this

Let me It's just difficult to fucking be this amazingly funny and smart with a huge boner, okay? I am sorry. I am sorry. Yeah, well, on to the latest news story. Villagers in Russia's South Urals have stumbled upon a gruesome discovery. Four of barrels containing 248 human fetuses left in a forest. All right.

I didn't say that all sexy. You fucking All right. Why did you say that all sexy? You fucking creepy bastard. You have to say it all sexy. Marcus is into it. So how many fetuses there? 248. Wessel Schmidt, what do you got on this? There's a real trend to these stories that Marcus discovers, I've noticed.

Russia. Yeah, absolutely. Children. But then again, okay, so we have a bunch of aborted fetuses, right? And they're buried into a field. And the major argument in this article is that they should have been disposed of better, right?

As opposed to, like, maybe they shouldn't have been killed at all. I mean, like we were talking about earlier, Saman, these babies are dead. What the fuck do they give a shit? And what kind of flowers grow in this field? You know, like, if you guess how many jelly beans are in a jar, you win them all?

Do you think they did that with, like, the fetuses? Oh, surely it's Russia. You win. That makes some fertile land. Oh, no, they definitely did not do it because it's in Russia, because in Russia there is no fun. Ah, that's true. There are no games.

And, like, how old were the fetuses? I mean, they were all aborted, right? So, you know, one to nine months old, Michelle That was a fair question and a fair answer They were preserved in formaldehyde Were kept in barrels with tags contending surnames And numbers That's awesome They were really documenting these fetuses

And I appreciate that Police suspect That one of the four local hospitals is responsible for dumping them. Only if they would take care of their fucking nuclear warheads like that. Yeah. That's not good. Here's the thing. That's like the most thoughtful disposal of fetuses that you've ever had.

What, put them in a forest? I didn't think that Russia had it in them. Exactly. Like, if anything, I thought it would be like the millions moms. You know, like, they'd be like,

yes, we've all documented the surnames of these fetuses and we've now made you feel really horrible about your decision. But really, we just, like, cut them up out of our uterus and threw them into a landfill.

Yeah, but it's like, it's like Russia, of all places, communist, weird Russia. They're not communists. They haven't been communists for a very long time. Okay, we're not talking about the political. They're the genius capitalists as they get.

All right, all right. Okay, nonetheless. Pack them into a rocket ship. Put them in a rocket ship, shot them to Mars, and said, we won the fetus space race. The first fetus in space? That was a competition? Not only was it one, it was like, how many again? 248.

It was 248. Beat that, America. Maybe it was a relic. It was a contest from the Cold War that maybe they had forgotten about. And all they needed was a potato gun. And then they invented the potato gun. They're like, let's shoot this shit in the video. Did y'all guys ever have a potato gun growing up?

Big time. Oh, God. We used to, and to kind of pull the stories all around, we used to shoot cows with our potato gun. They would not like it. As long as you didn't shoot women with your potato gun, that was a better way to wrap it all together. Well, not shoot women. No, your potato gun. That was a better way to wrap it all together. Not shoot women.

Women, no. I'm just saying it was a nice way to wrap it all together with violence against animals instead of violence against women. Okay, well, I guess lesser evil. That is a big compromise for Molly, to be fair. Yeah. That was very nice. That was very nice, Molly.

Good job. Thank you. So wait, what are they going to do with the pizzas now that they found them? Burn them? Great. I mean, okay, okay. Jackie's right. Jackie's right. Okay, I'm sure they they found them. Burn them? Great! Jackie's right. I'm sure they will burn them.

Is that better than burying them? What is wrong with fetuses being in the field? I don't understand. Why were they so upset that they found these fetuses? Well, there was a lot of them. There was a lot of them. Is it just lazy garbage men?

Yeah, they were upset because they weren't disposed of properly. How are you supposed to dispose of this? I'm all pregnant. I'm going to put my baby in a fetus dump. I'm going to scrape it out. Just so the listeners know, Jackie goes, it's a fetus dump. And it shrugs like a movie poster. It is a fetus dump.

What is that? It technically is. It's a fetus dump and it shrugs like a movie poster. It is a fetus dump. What is that? It technically is. It's a fetus dump. I will say, I do not know the proper way to dispose of fetuses, but I do know that the improper way to dispose of fetuses is to put them all in a big barrel and throw them in the forest. Yeah.

Maybe, but what else are you supposed to do with fetuses? Holden, you've got 1,000 fetuses. There are 200 fetuses. How are you disposing of them? How many do I have? 1,000 or 200? You have 500.

Different answer. All right. I know. It's different because it's a bigger business if you have 1,000. You have 500 fetuses. You've got to get rid of them by Tuesday. It's Sunday. I build a carnival.

I get a big-ass cotton candy machine. I put them in the center of the cotton candy ball and hand them out to other children. Oh, that's a very nice thing to do! Recycle! This is what I'm saying, people. You gotta turn it over. You gotta move it on to the next leaf. Get it in the new thing.

Yeah, I think that's very very nice. You're gonna make a game out of it. Also, fetus bowling balls. Which I fucking rule. You'd be a badass on the lanes if you had a bowling ball with a fetus in the center of it. Chop it up. Put it in your plants. Like in the film Kingpin, Bill Murray's wonderful character, he had the rose in his bowling ball. Yeah.

You would have a small fetus in there. Yes, a small fetus. And if you push a button on the bowling ball, it goes. Sort of interactive. That's nice. Very interactive. Where are these fetuses coming from? Women.

Women's bodies were mostly women. Some men do it. Are they purposely aborted fetuses? Yes. You think they're kidnapped? No. Are they government? Who's stealing fetuses?

There's a goddamn fetus bandit out there right now. I swear to God I was pregnant yesterday. The fetus bandit? There's a goddamn fetus bandit out there right now. I swear to God I was pregnant yesterday. The fetus bandit? Is it like purposely aborted? Is it governmentally aborted? No, Russia doesn't do the whole China. Your image of Russia is like totally stuck in the mid 80s.

It is. Have you ever read about Stalin? Stalin created so much for fetuses. Read about it. Okay, Jackie, what was the number one thing that Stalin did for fetuses? He let people live so that they could have children. Most of the people he killed, and when he killed them, they deserved it. But if they stayed alive, they were allowed to have as many children as they wanted.

What? I didn't know that. Yeah. And Molly, you concur? Molly concurs. I concur. When I start rocking back and forth and shaking my head, that doesn't mean I concur. They weren't communists. They were socialists. Socialism, you can

have as many kids as you want as long as you put them to work early. That's a good point. Be social. Everyone wants to be social. They're too young. They're dead. Kill them. Put it in a field. Okay, so in Russia they throw them in fields. Saman, as a Persian fella, is there abortion in Iran, number one? And number two,

if there is, where do they dispose of their fetuses? We don't have abortions. We just bring them out. Oh, you have abortions. They just use a coat hanger and they throw them in the trash. We don't do that. No, no, no. We just make them suicide bombers. You throw them in the trash. We don't do that. No, no, no. It's possible. We just make them suicide bombers.

You raise them to die. They don't have coat hangers. We don't just waste them. You don't just fucking kill one and dump it in the toilet. Put them to use. You bring them out, you train them, you put some shit on them with a little string and you send them out to other countries. That's productive. I learned a thing or two from the Middle East. Absolutely. That's a very productive thing to do

with an unwanted baby. Strap a vest to it, send it into a mall. And with one, you get rid of multiple. It's like you're spending ten bucks and you're turning into like... It's about flipping it. It's about flipping and making money. You have to pay to make

these aborted fetuses working people? No're not fetuses. Working people? No, no, no. You pay $10. All right, Michelle's mic is cut off for a second. Holden, what do you got on this? Oh, I love how abortions become like art movements.

It's like it's postmodern abortion. We do a new thing with it. It's sort of boring. Yeah, it's expressionist abortion. So you throw the fetus against a wall as a way to dispose of it. So you're from Iran? Yes. And you don't think they have any back alley abortions at all?

They do, actually. They've got to, right? Back alley abortions in D.C. where I grew up. Yeah, they have back alley abortions everywhere. Back alley abortions everywhere. Everywhere, yeah. Of course. Do you think that for the most part, though, in In Iran that they just take the baby to term

And then they adopt Actually this is the sad part United States Can we get some sad music Marcus Yeah we can do it Can we get some Forrest Gump music Yeah give us some Forrest Gump music And Saman hit us with the sad part

Even Iran is more progressive when it comes to these certain things Like such as abortion and things like that Than the United States. So in Iran, they don't have problems with abortion and things like that. And what's one of the ways that Iran is more progressive than America when it comes to abortion? Terrorism. My fault.

So they kill everybody that tries to get an abortion? We do it on a low end, so it's called terrorism. When the United States does it, it's called being a superpower. How are babies aborted in Iran that is better than how they're aborted in America? I know about terrorism. When the United States does it, it's called being a superpower. I've seen how her babies are born in Iran that it's better than how they're born in America. I know about terrorism. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. They're all lovable subjects.

I just wanted to get to that. No, it's a chop and suck, right? Same as America? I don't know how they do it. I've never had a fucking abortion. Alright, so Samad, he knows a lot about Iran, but he does not know a lot about Iran. All right. So let's do one more news story before we get to our segment.

Thank you. A 24-year-old Massachusetts woman who allegedly masqueraded as a teenage boy is facing federal charges for engaging in illicit sexual conduct with a 15-year-old girl who was unaware that the boyfriend she met online was actually a female. Carissa Hadds was arrested two weeks ago on a U.S. District Court complaint accusing her of coercion or enticement of a minor, a felony carrying a maximum of 30 years in prison. On Friday, Hadds was ordered to be held without bond by a federal magistrate judge. Following Hadds' May 24th arrest, agents searched her front pocket and located a, quote,

fake flesh-colored penis. They searched her front pocket? That's where she kept her penis? That she apparently used during one of two prior sexual encounters with the teenaged victim. I'm looking at the computer. I just want to say that this person is quite attractive. Just so we all know. Molly, can you do your best, Eddie,

and describe the mugshot and or picture that you're seeing in the most articulate way possible? She looks like... I don't know if this person is trans or not, but if she is female identified... She is not trans. Okay, so if she's female identified, I will use not trans. Okay, so if she's female-identified, I will use female pronouns. She is...

Well, you nailed Eddie. Wow, that was such an Eddie. Is she trans? Oh, she is not. Well, then, okay. She... You can figure out this bitch, and then you'll be Eddie. This bitch is...

Can't even say it. Cute. She has short hair. She has very nice eyes. She looks like a lesbian. Looks very sad. She looks like an angry... Molly is going to say as many words as it

takes to get her to say something offensive. Molly, continue. So now she is sad. She's sad. She's wearing a t-shirt. That's all I can say. What kind of t-shirt? A black t-shirt. Okay, Jackie, do sad. She's sad she's wearing a t-shirt. That's all I can say. What kind of t-shirt? Give me a black t-shirt. Okay, Jackie, do it. She looks like she's raped a few boys in her life. She's got the haircut of a serial killer.

And she looks like she would probably spit on you rather than kiss you. She looks like the movie Monster. Exactly. The girl, Eileen Wuornos. No, she's so much prettier than Eileen Wuornos No she looks like Hillary Swank Boys Don't Cry Yeah

Which a lot of people have compared me to In my life Alright Me too I think that's just a girl with short hair thing Girl with short hair thing Girl with short hair You're like that cross dressing lady

In that movie You remember when she fucked that girl And then she got raped She got raped Yeah Those are the things that men say to you They're like go ahead Rape me cross-dressing lady in that movie. You remember when she fucked that girl and she got raped? Yeah, those are the things that men say to you. They're like, go ahead, rape me. I haven't seen the picture of this person at all,

but from what I'm gathering, it's just women think like, yeah, just a fact. She was hot. She looks like Florida. She's really attractive, but she does look like Florida. Okay, so this is Massachusetts, though. Or Williamsburg.

It's bizarre, though. It's a 24-year-old woman who dressed as a man who fucked a 15-year-old, right? Just a girl? Dressed as a teenage boy. She actually, she was so good at what she did, she convinced the teenage girl's parents, or not parent, her mother, to fly the teenage girl along with her to Massachusetts so they could actually meet. You gotta admire that. Someone who's good at their craft.

Strength. They do their strength. In a May 8th interview with law enforcement agents, the girl described the sexual encounter in her home with the man-woman who told them that her name was James Prier Wilson.

By the way, Prier is my grandmother's maiden name. Isn't that something? Isn't it, though? Makes sense. Have you fucked underage girls also? No, never did. Never fucked a girl under 18. Started at 16, went for the college ones.

All right. The teenager said that Wilson, who did not undress during the sexual encounter, pulled his, quote, penis through his unzipped pants and held on to the base of the penis during the sexual encounter. The girl who said the act was videotaped described the penis as flesh-colored. Well, naturally. So, of course, it's quotations around the penis. This is a woman. If you are a gal and you've been

raped by a fella, you think it's a man, you find out it was a lady dressed as a man, it's a dildo, no longer a human member. How do you not know? That's not rape, is it? Well, I think it's still rape, but is it less or more upsetting? Less. Less.

Is it less upsetting? How is it still rape? More upsetting. It's still rape because you're still violent and you're still inside of a human being without their consent and she's 15

so it's statutory no matter what. And also you were lied to as a gender of a person. So that's more upsetting to you? I think it is but as opposed to how many stories you hear

where you're like, oh, I fucked a dude and I thought he was a girl, and so I beat him to death. Right, exactly. Trans panic. But I would rather get raped by a fake cock than a real cock. Of course. I agree.

Of course. That's absolutely right. Absolutely. And Molly, your very funny stance on this. I'm not even going to be able to be funny about this. I should probably just wash my hands of this conversation. I think that... Moving on.

Holden. So if you got butt-fucked by a dude or a chick with a fucking dildo strapped on... Can I ask this real quick to the ladies, please? If that happens to you, will you still maybe, though, go through that fun lesbian experimental phase in college? Work in pairs and shit like that? I feel like if anyone ever... I feel like if I, as someone that

has slept with both sexes numerous times, I feel like if someone lied to me about their gender, I would flip out no matter what. No matter what you did to me, no matter what occurred, I would flip out and I don't want to say I would

beat them to death, but I would beat them. I would beat them. There is a certain amount of sociopathy that would have to go with lying about one's gender. Because you are weird. That's not... I would not call it

sociopathy. You can't tell. It's not sociopathy. Are you saying you need to shut the fuck up? I don't think. No, it's certainly a sociopathy. I don't think. Here's the thing.

I think you have the right to be mad, but if someone has a good enough game to convince you otherwise. I thought you were going to say dick or dildo or scrapbook. Yeah, you have a fake dick game. Like, it's like. But also, how do you not know? How do you not know that that dick is not real? That's the thing. That's your fault. You should've known.

That's true. It is true. When she whooped out the plastic dick at the base and started penetrating... It was like a Wonder Woman doll. Did the victim not know what's going on? No. No idea. Oh, wow not know what's going on? No. No idea.

Oh, wow. Yeah, the victim... And that's the thing. The point is that any lack of consent is lack of consent, which is important. If you are trans, you should be honest about your trans status, but I don't think that you can't consent to getting beat the shit out of either. Consent is the common... Polly, I'm going to need you to do something, though, because you're sitting in for Ed. Can you respond

the way that Ed would respond to this? Yeah! No. How would Ed respond? That is a cop-out, Molly. I don't know. Ed would be like, fuck her if she's hot. And that is going to be the pull quote.

That's pretty close to what Eddie would say. And now it's time for Enda. Thank you, Molly. That was very nice of you. Actually, this is a very special, or I wouldn't say special. This is a very appropriate segment from Holden McNeely. Truth or lies. Whoa.

We're going to say truth or a lie about ourselves. Oh, shit. You have to decide. I guess it goes around, and then we pick certain people to decide whether it's a truth or a lie, correct? You have to decide. I guess it goes around and then we pick certain people to decide whether it's a truth or a lie, correct? No, no, no. It's a vote. It's a vote. It's just a vote.

You never fuck white, man. I know it, Michelle. It's a truth or a lie. Someone will tell a truth or a lie. Everyone will go around and say whether it's a truth or a lie. And then I'll take say whether it's a truth or a lie. And then I'll take a count. And then at the end of the game, whoever gets the most wins something.

Nothing. No, Marcus, you've got to score this big. This is vital. Just so you guys know that are new to the room. Except for, like, respect. They're respect points. You get respect. All right, Here is mine.

When I first started masturbating, I would rub myself on my favorite pound puppy stuffed animal. That's so true. When I actually figured out how to cum, which was later on, I wasn't rubbing myself on puppies. I would just cum on my stomach and wipe it up with tissues. True.

I really hope that's true. That's definitely true. Weschelschmidt? Yeah, too much detail. I feel like I have to throw a false in there because somebody's gotta be the Adam to his Eve. That's like 80%

of the guys. And someone has to be the town drunk, so we get both. Molly, what are you to holden adam to his eve i'm the bad man he's a good chaste woman you want you naked what you want to wear clothes fuck you i'm gonna ogle you are you raping me it doesn't matter all right molly what do you say What about whether it's true? It's definitely true. There's just no question. Jackie?

I'm not playing. It is true. Okay, it's true. It's 100% true? Fuck everybody else. So that means, Jackie, you have a negative one. You have a negative one, Marcus. Very good, Jackie. Marcus, a negative one. You have a negative one, Marcus. Very good, Jackie.

Marcus, I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you too, Jackie. Or anyone who wants to jump in. Michelle, what do you got? Jeff is notching at the bit here. Jeff, what do you got?

One time, my grandma used to send me these jars of peanut butter when I was in college. And one time, I just fucked it for no reason. Okay, well, I mean, that happens. I have heard of people having sex with condiments. He said for no reason. I want to add that on. So he didn't come. I'm just saying he fucked it for no reason.

That could mean there was no money involved. Okay. Jeff, did you come? Yeah. Okay. Okay. did you come? Yeah. Okay. I think it's true. You're going to go true? False.

I'm going to go with false because of the for no reason. He's thinking too hard. I can see it in his eyes. I'm going to go with true because Jeff's a fucking dirty bitch. I'm going to go with false, although there was a comic, John Fox, who recently passed. He used to fuck the mayonnaise. So fucking condiments is not out of the ordinary. What do you got, Simone?

I'm saying false. It was just the story took too long. It was a lot of I'm looking up. Okay. All right. We got some I. When white people do fucked up shit, they get right to it. Just like.

I agree with that. And what do we got, Jeff? Yeah, it's true. Oh, it's true. Yeah, I knew that one was true. Never mind. So who gets the point? Michelle.

Jackie and Michelle. So Jackie's back at zero. Was it extra crunchy? Was it smooth? No, of course it was smooth. Oh, fuck. I'm never ever going to eat peanut butter ever again. Yeah, you get chunks in your dick hole probably.

Oh, maybe it was chunky peanut butter. Oh, Jackie's done. Was it chunky or smooth peanut butter? It was smooth. We already Oh, Chucky Chunk. Was it chunky or smooth peanut butter? It was smooth. We already got to the bottom of it. If you put chunky peanut butter up inside of a joint, it would feel pretty great. Here's my question. Did you throw away the jar of peanut butter afterwards or did you leave it for other people to eat?

Okay, good. Thank you. So it was a smooth peanut pan. Peanut pan there. Peanut. Peter. Peter pan. Peanut pan.

Peter pan. Ben, what do you got for us? Anyway. Peanut, Peter, Peter pan. Peanut pan, Peter pan. Ben, what do you got for us? Anyway. By the way, did it feel good, though? Yeah, it was great. It felt good, okay. Fantastic. But it sounded weird while you did it.

Yeah, and it spills out. You don't, you know, the volume displacement, you don't take that into account. Yeah. It gets on your shoes. It gets all over the place. You should have been wearing shoes. Why were you wearing shoes? That's a great question. You know what?

You just pull your pants down and fuck. It's not like I planned it. Like, I lit a candle. That's a shit. I would say, if you lit candles and planned fucking the fucking peanut butter, that would have been awkward. Wait a second. It's got horny, and that wasn't it.

Yeah, but you're like, I kind of want a snack. Wait, no. Not a snack. Fuck my snack. Is that what it was? Yeah. No. Literally, fuck my snack.

I already have, like, I already, there was no room in the cabinet basically, so I was going to throw it away. And then I was just like, well. Well, you know what? As a matter of fact, I'm thinking about it now. You should start a diet program. The Wessel Schmidt diet. If you don't want to eat it, fuck it.

Throw it away. Fuck it and chuck it. Fuck it and chuck it. Yeah. It's nice. Set it and forget it. Fuck it and chuck it. I forgot that.

Lindsay Lohan had this diet like I know eight years ago that like if you are eating something and you don't want to finish the rest of it you take salt and you pour it all over the rest of what you're eating so you don't finish it. Good idea.

Doesn't teach you self-control. That is what I do with my vagina when I'm like, you're done. You don't need it anymore. That's what bulimics do. Here's the detail. You look like you put some brown sugar or something.

Here's the detail. Brown sugar! The detail that everyone is looking over right now is that Jeff was sent that peanut butter by his grandmother. Whoa. Which I love. Wait, when your grandmother was like, Jeff, what did you do with my peanut butter? That's what all grandmothers ask.

I fucked your grandmama. I knew you would, Jeff. And I'd do it again. All right. Here's the next one. Next one. And I'd do it again. Alright, who's next? When I was in 7th grade, I was in Mr. McCann's science class and my friend

Adrian showed me a picture of a large-breasted gal that he had cut out of a porno mag. I was busted holding it and it was not mine. I was very uncomfortable. I got sent down to the office. My mother got called in and I was kicked out of school for an entire week. It was Catholic school.

And that's my story. I'm going with true. True. Why'd he cut it out? I have no idea why he cut it out. Because you just fucking keep it there and don't show it to me. But he also completely ratted me out and said it was mine. It's true.

I'm going to say it's true. I'm going to say true. Wow. True across the board. Yeah say it's true. I'm going to say true. Wow, true across the board. Yeah, it's true. It's true. And it started a very bizarre series of events where it was very aggravating because Mr. Burns, my principal, was just like, it was your picture. And I was like, you're wrong.

I know you're wrong. And I was a complete and utter fucking prisoner. You didn't snitch though, did you? I did not snitch. But then again, I was like, it's not fucking mine. It was awful, but it also gave me a great understanding for those wrongfully accused. All right. All right. Next up, Michelle.

Michelle, let's do it. What do you got? Oh, this is going to be good. Oh, boy. In third grade, I used to go out to my friend's house. It's true. It's probably true at this point. I used to go to my friend's house, Meredith, and we used to start playing house,

but before we knew it, we started playing house where one of us was the husband and one of us was the wife, and then we'd make out. This is great. I want it to be true, but I want to age it 15 years. So what are you doing? I'm going to go true. It sounds like you're a pedophile.

No, I know. I wanted to age them 15 years because they were in third grade. I'm going to go with false as well. Too expected. I don't know though. She had the name Meredith. Meredith is a specific name. That is a good point.

Meredith is a specific name, but the playing house turned dirty is a common name. Common male expectancy. So you're going true? house turned dirty is a common A. Common male expansion. Okay, so you're going true? Simone, what do you got? I'm going to say true. Okay. What is it?

It's true. Yeah! Nice! Someone needs to do a false. Can we get an update on the scores here? Well, Michelle is one. And Jackie. No, no, no. Michelle has one. And Jackie, No, no, no. Michelle has one. And Jackie, she got a negative one.

Oh, okay. Interesting. No, I also won one. Yeah, yeah. So now you're at zero. Everyone, right now, everyone is at zero except Michelle. Well, we might have to play a second round. All right.

No, I have to piss way too bad for a second round. Holly, what are you doing? First orgasm at the age of 13. I'm going to say false. She hasn't had one yet. I'm going to say true. True. False.

It better be false. Michelle says true. I guess true, but it's not shockingly young, really. I was 17. When you had your first orgasm? First one. Masturbating, right? Yes.

Whoa, that's weird. That's the thing. For a guy, I feel like most guys I know... Earlier. No, guys beat off at nine. Yeah, that's the thing. Guys come immediately. I was 17.

I was in college. Were you having wet dreams before that? Still haven't. Never. Never. Wow. Interesting. Molly, what's the truth here, Molly?

Oh, I didn't say. Oh, I'm sorry, Jeff. True. Okay, Molly. Never. Wow. Interesting. Molly, what's the truth here, Molly? Oh, I didn't say. Oh, I'm sorry, Jeff. True. Okay, Molly. True. All right. All right. Everything is true.

There are no lies here in the round table. Nobody was excited when I said true. No, it was not. Aren't you happy for me? I wanted to be like, yeah, good job. Was it with a guy or was it by yourself? No, it was on accident. There we go. Well, that's a typical neph by yourself? It was on accident. There we go.

Well, that's a typical nephal orgasm. Always on accident. I was daydreaming and then I was like, hey, how about that? What were you daydreaming about? I mean, I was daydreaming about sex. But I was, I mean, also I was in my bed at night. It wasn't a daydream. Did your parents ring a bell when it was dinner time for you to come downstairs?

No, they said dinner. But I was not expecting. I didn't know that that was a thing that could happen. I was 13, and then it happened, and I was like, oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness? Oh, right. I think it's totally hot. Is there a winner?

Yeah, Michelle's the winner. No, Jackie has won. What do you got? What do you got, Jackie? I had my first orgasm with a gay man. Well, that's true. That's incredibly true. It's completely false. I fucked.

I lost my virginity with a gay man, but I first came with a woman. So y'all can go get fucked. So I win. All right, Jackie wins. Jackie wins. You totally win. You a woman. So I'll give you a fuck. So I win. All right, Jackie wins. Jackie wins. You totally win. You definitely win.

All right, thank you, Jackie. Hold the manilic. Marcus Parks. Thank you for your hijinks, Jackie. Thank you. Thanks for being here, Michelle. Thanks for being here, Molly. Thanks for being here, Jeff.

And of course, Saman, thank you. And John Roy, thanks for being here as well. And we will talk to you guys very soon, right? I mean, that was a good one. You won't forget about me in the game. No one's going to forget about you. And John Roy, thanks for being here as well. And we will talk to you guys very soon, right? I mean, that was a good one. You won't forget about me in the game. No one's going to forget about you. Everyone forgets about me in the games.

I have to throw my two cents into the end. I didn't do it. So next game. Oh, J'mon didn't go. Okay, J'mon didn't go. J'mon, close us out with your idea. The brown guy. When I was 20.

You're not that brown, by the way. Yeah, you're really not. You can easily pass as white. You look like Mark Norman. That doesn't matter. I yeah my application when I was 27 my two of my co-workers took me out one Irish the other one from a Salvador to a club and then we went to one of their homes and and they brought on a beautiful black girl and they wanted to have it for some I guess that's a foursome? I guess that's a foursome.

I think that's called a gangbang, girls. They're all girls. They're all girls. And me. And I walked out. False. God, I want it to be false. Yeah, I'm saying false because I want it to be false. I'm saying it's true because you have a wedding ring on. Yeah, I'm saying it's

true. I'm going to go false. What do you got, Jeff? False. Alright, what's the truth? I'm saying it's true. I'm going to go false. What do you got, Jeff? False. All right, what's the truth? I was single, actually, and I did walk out. Boo! The reason why you're married is that you walked out because you were a dick person. I think it's trying to light up comedians that they were all trues. None of us even want to lie.

We're all just like, this is a thing I did once. All right, we have to end it, and we're just going to end it. Ladies and gentlemen, just always remember, Saman or Bobby left fucking three chicks. I still regret it. I'm like, that's never, ever going to happen again. Yeah, but you still masturbated to it to this day. I couldn't. No way.

I can't handle it. You can't think about that. That's a lot of imagination, man. You need Photoshop for that shit. It's not going to happen. I'll Photoshop something for you. Hell yeah. All right, guys. Well well that's been the whole game we're going to give the win to Saman

I'm sorry Jack he lost the moment I'm sorry he won what are you cheering what kind of cheer is that