The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 109: Wanna See Something Weird?

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

This week on the Round Table: a couple on bath salts holds a man of God and his wife hostage, a good fifteen minutes of the show is dedicated to pig semen facts, and a door to door salesman game ends in murder. Today we've got first-timer Andrew Short on the show!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them all watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Just because you're sticking Legos up your pussy doesn't mean you don't have STDs. It means you have Legos in your fucking pussy. I built a castle.

That's pretty amazing. You did the Black Knight Castle? That was hard to do not in a vagina. Guns are hard to get in there. Alright, so yes, this prayer is from Eddie. It is a dispatch from Los Angeles. So this is in Eddie's voice, so

just use your imagination. In the name of the dad, and in the boy, and in the enchanted, tortured soul, Amen. Amen. All hail Eddie. Alright. This is good already. Immediately. Ridiculous. Eddie is the king of all that is good or shitty.

There is no other that are smarter, juicier, sexier, or heavier than him. I'm so alone out there. But those aren't even positive things to be. And also, I just feel like L.A. has changed him. Can we do that? He is the best that there will ever be at basketball. He is the 97% free throw shooter, blocks the ball like a Kenyan,

and boy oh boy can he dribble. Wow, that is pretty swell. Yeah, from his mouth. Fuck you, Eddie! You ain't better than us, Eddie! But enough about how perfect and handsome the amazing, quote, God of Earthquakes, Eddie

Big League Larson is. The God of being dumb and fat. This is so weird. Gods are just that way. The children are sick. Just let them die. In the name of the Father and the Son. What's that last part?

I don't know what happened. Hold on a second. It's about basketball. It's free throw percentage. And then it traveled down this crazy road and we got to child death. Only Eddie. In the name of the Father

and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen. We miss you too, Eddie. Welcome to the Roundtable, everybody. We are one man short. This is the smallest Roundtable I think we've ever done. We've got five folks here. Four Roundtable originals. We're missing Kevin Barnett. He's sweating his nuts off over there

in Jamaica right now. But who do we got here? Jackie Zabrowski. Still here, still fat. Jackie, you're beautiful. I like you with this weight. This is, I think, the most beautiful weight because you've got the bosoms all full. Your buttocks look strong and solid. Yeah, I'm like ready for milking.

Stop it. Yeah. Damn it, damn it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who are you? Oh, man. That's sweaty fucking mongers. I'm the empty man.

I'm not full of milk. Hold a McNeely. Give me some juice. He's empty on the inside. Vitamin double D. All right. Sitting in for Eddie or Kevin or both of them. We got Andrew Short from Underbelly and a whole bunch of other shit.

Thanks for being here, Andrew. Thanks for having me. How you doing? I'm doing great. All right. That's good. I like that there's no one in Kevin's space either. I know.

It's just a huge void. I really do feel lonely. I miss him. He's got to come back, Kevin. Come back. I personally appreciate the extra space. That's nice. I like that I can reach my arm out like this.

Unfurl your love handles. Yeah, that's very nice. Alright, I'm Ben and then let's just get to a news story with Marcus. Marcus, what do you got for us this week? From Arkansas, one of the many good reasons to stay out of the way of escaped bulls, a sheriff's deputy responded to calls about a loose bull found a man

slapping the animal across the head and trying to lead it across a yard. The amorous bull then tried to mate with the man, pinning him against the deputy's patrol car and damaging the vehicle. The man escaped injury after the bull lost interest and wandered off after a truck. The owner of the bull says this is the first time it had escaped.

That's it. That's all I have. That's it? I know, I have a million questions. Did the bull come being the first one? I don't think the bull did come. I think the bull got distracted by a truck. I mean, if you are getting raped by a bull, that's very nice of that truck. It's pretty convenient.

But what was the guy wearing? Was he asking? He probably had feathers in his hat. Deputies always get the raw end of the deal. It's never like, you know, the deputy saved the day, the deputy killed the burglar or anything like that. The deputy always just gets raped by a cow. Sometimes the deputy survives, though.

Because sometimes you shoot the sheriff, but you don't shoot the deputy. Ah, good point, good point. Eric Clapton? What are you talking about? To be fair, a lot of people have sung that song. This is my theory about the bull, by the way. I think the bull suffered from erectile dysfunction. He was banging the dude, couldn't go through with it, used the truck as an excuse.

Really? He was like, oh, the truck, the truck. Yeah, that's what it is. With his floppy dick, fucking whacking. It's not that he couldn't get hard over that sweet deputy dick. And if the bull came, they would have known. Oh, yeah. Have you guys ever seen, they would have known. Oh, yeah. Have you guys ever seen a bull come? No.

It gets everywhere. It's like so much cum. Not as much as a pig. Pigs cum the most. Really? Pigs cum literally gallons. Really? How? I had no idea. Are they like paralyzed while they're doing it? Just like open?

Have you ever seen a pig's nuts? No. So, Marcus, the answer to that question, by the way, will always be no. I haven't seen a pig's nuts. And are they the size of gallon jugs? Because if they're not, then it still makes no biological sense. Each, depending on the size of the pig, naturally. On average, out of all the pig nuts that I've seen.

How many have you seen? Yeah. Dozens. Okay, good. A dozen too many. Then call me babe. Right. I've seen mouthfuls of pig nuts.

Just mouthfuls of them. I would say each nut is about the size of a small pineapple. Wow. How do they walk around then? They're on the outside of their bodies. They just kind of hang out. They don't hang. Wait, I've seen pigs before.

You're not looking at the right part of the pig. Hold up. Yeah, they're outside. They don't hang. They're not in sacks. Are they like camouflage? Are they like barn colors? What do you mean they're not in sacks?

Well, they're in sacks, but they don't hang like human scrotum do. They go up. They defy gravity? These pineapple nuts? They're inside the pig. Oh, like ovaries. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you can see the outline of the said pineapple shape of the pig. Mystery solved. Average. But, Holden, you make a good point. This poor bull could not get his dick hard. And what do you do if you're a bull with erectile dysfunction? Because as humans, bull semen is supposed to increase your virility and make your dick really juicy and full of blood. Yeah, but if you're a bull, I mean, you already got the semen inside of you.

What are you taking? I mean... Maybe pig semen. Yeah, essentially. You could drink some pig semen or Asian man semen, I think. You think the Asian man semen is really strong and potent? It's got the powers of the dragon. It's yellow. I don't know How is the dragon? It's yellow.

I don't know if it's yellow. It's curdled. Andrew Short did not like that joke. I just think with Obama it's a different world we live in. Not in this house! Okay, cool. So we're all on the same page.

I got some more pig ejaculate facts. Okay, good. Just what we same page. I got some more pig ejaculate facts. Okay, good. Just what we needed. Just what I was like, I wish we had more pig ejaculate facts. I like how he pretended like he had to search it, but it's in his favorites. It's just viewed right up. Oh, I can't find them. The entire time when he was typing, he wasn't actually hitting any of the fucking letters there.

An average boar ejaculates for five to ten minutes. And it ejaculates typically around half a liter. We've got to sign this guy up with the Brazers. The Brazers Porn Company. I mean, this guy could make some extreme pig bukkake here. Pig cocky?

Pig cocky is going to be huge. Let's make t-shirts. Yeah, pig cocky. He won't stop! I can't stop! My nuts keep on making more. And here's something from

the Department of Animal Sciences at Purdue University. Always allow the boar to complete his ejaculation. Who learned this lesson? That's what I want to know. Who cut him off halfway through? Probably didn't live to talk talk about it if you let loose too soon be prepared for a challenge he will not want to leave the dummy you will make this mistake only once wow i mean have you ever gotten cut off i can't think of a time in life where i had to cut my

ejaculate off sometimes you have to cut your piss off and it really burns. Do you think it would... Have you ever had that happen? I've said this. I think I've spoken about this before on the roundtable. One time, my fucking load was so crazy, the chick started laughing like halfway through the ejaculating. And then you stopped and you were embarrassed. I was like, stop laughing!

I kept coming! Stop laughing is the most embarrassing thing to say when coming! Stop laughing at it! Stop laughing at it. Stop laughing at it. I'm a man. I'm a man, damn it. I'm a damn man. I'm a damn man.

And how is she empowering over me when I'm coming on her face? How does that even happen? She was laughing at you. I'm kidding you. The most masculine experience a man has. You still were like a bitch to her. Yeah, definitely. She might have been getting covered in your cum,

but she just thought you were such a little ass. It's such a little fucking... Oh, that's so funny. I make a lot. Yeah, I guess you do. A lot of goofs. We gotta have you versus a pig in a competition. Oh man, that would be fun. Who can cry the most? No. How? The ejaculate.

I think you're gonna win the tear competition. If we mixed your tears and your jizz, maybe you could match the ejaculate of a pig. Ooh. The boar will generally go through two to three cycles during ejaculation. Wow. Taking five to 15 minutes to complete the process. When the penis is locked in the hand while you're manually masturbating the pig, and the boar relaxes.

Hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Is that still? We have so much technology in this world. We have wireless internet and we haven't found a better way to ejaculate a pig other than our hands. I don't know. Make them happy. You know why you ejaculate a pig?

I'll tell you why. People sell pig semen in magazines. And cow and bull semen. Are you about to bull semen? And this is for why? To get, like, if you have a particularly awesome pig or bull, you can sell the semen for quite a large amount of money in magazines such as Texas Agricultural and Ranch.

For breeding? For breeding, yeah. And then you artificially inseminate your cows and or pigs with this amazing semen. How does it stay alive for that long? I guess they know how to keep it. Cryogenics. Cryogenics? So it's like the shaving cream and Jurassic Park.

They keep it in the little thing. Dotson! Dotson! Dotson! Dotson! We've got Dotson here! Hold on to your butts! What do they mean when the penis is locked over your hand?

Is it like alien? No, a pig's penis is like a corkscrew. What did you do growing up? What's happened to you? He's from Texas. It's really bizarre stuff. I come from a bizarre small town in Texas. So when you stroke it, you have to like An agricultural community

Have you ever seen chud? It's like chud, but in Texas So how do you ejaculate it If it's a corkscrew, you just slowly wrap your fingers around it It would probably be even easier to See, this is where my knowledge ends Okay, so you've never touched a pig dick I have never done this

Yeah, but if it's like a corkscrew, it's probably like there are finger groves in it. It's probably even easier to latch on and get on the in-erds of the pig's dick as opposed to a man's dick where you're just flopping around on the outside. You can't get on the inside of it. That's where you want to get with the pig dick. You want to get on the inside. On the inside. I want to see that half a liter. Do you guys want to see a video?

No. Okay. Not particularly. I want to buy some pig semen and get it in here. Well, what's a gallon of pig semen going for these days? If you want to sell it in the black market. All right. We've got a nice prize pig.

This guy just won an Iowa County Fair. It was the fattest pig, the biggest nuts. I milked it myself. I used my mouth the whole nine. I got a gallon for you. How much am I charging? I'm going to have to look that one up because I never actually bought pig semen. No, you just made it.

What would you have it in? We keep using gallon as a unit of measure. I just imagine like an empty gallon of milk that you just fill with pig semen. I think that's how it works, right? Oh, that's not the milk! Honey, honey, don't It's not 2%! It's not. God, this is some of the best milk I've ever had, honey.

We don't have any milk in the house. My cereal. What if you love it? So if we're going to buy a show pig. Schaefer's Gold Rush, where you buy your pig semen. Yeah, this is Schaefer'sGoldRush.com. Producing champions for three generations. Do you sell gold? No, pig semen. Yeah, this is Schaefer's Gold Rush dot com. Producing champions for three generations. Do you sell gold? No. Pig semen

mostly. Okay. What's an interesting name for your company? So we're going for a show pig. The breed is a Poland. So let's see a boar called Rock and Roll. It's wearing a bandana. Rock and Roll is one stout and powerful

Poland boar. He sets his feet down square off of both ends. It's wearing a bandana. Rock and Roll is one stout and powerful pole and boar. He sets his feet down square off of both ends. Are you talking about Ed? Takes a long stand on the move. Fuck you, Eddie! Fuck you, Eddie! Fuck you, bitch!

Rock and Roll has really good muscle shape and design down his top and stout hip. He won the 2011 Indiana State Fair. Wow. Wow. Damn. Congratulations.

Rock and roll. And apparently you have to play a guitar solo whenever you're playing. You see him in shimmery pants. Nick Pigger. Jackie is elated over her own joke. That's your new nickname, Holden. What?

All right. Sounds like a racial slur to him. It's technically not, so it's fine. Here is, I finally found some semen pricing. Okay, great. Finally. And two is in the bookmark. Informative program.

And there are tears. Okay. And by the way, this is summer pricing. Okay, summer pricing. Go right to the deluxe. Is that more expensive than not summer pricing, or is that less expensive? I'm guessing it's less expensive. Everyone knows that pig semen dries up.

Yeah, that's true. Okay, Andrew, you want him to go right to the deluxe? Yeah, let's hear what the deluxe package is. Well, that's true. Okay, Andrew, you want him to go right to the deluxe? Yeah, let's hear what the deluxe package is. Well, the deluxe, well, there are, okay, there's really,

there's three. There is a boar's price at 50 bucks per dose. Okay. That's per, per plug, okay. You can get Hampshire, Cross,

Doric, or Yorkshire pigs. Okay. Those are pretty, well, those are, Standard pigs. Yeah, standard pigs. Unfuckable pigs. I can't wait to

start a Kickstarter for this. And then you get boars at... Actually, no. The $50, that is the top. That's the top. So not that expensive. We can all afford one. Then you've got boars that are priced at $35 per dose. And the more doses you buy, the less expensive it gets.

By the way, Rock and Roll is a $35 per dose pig. Really? But it's a winner. What do you have to do to get a $50 sperm? Well, he really doesn't measure up to War Admiral. That's the tear name? No, no, that's the pig.

The pig is War Admiral or Stick It. Major Stick is another It. Major Stick is another one. Major Stick. This was named by my eight-year-old farmer son. And then finally you have what they call Super Savings Bores.

That's the one you want. They're the slow ones. 25 per dose. You got names like Iceberg, Gravedigger, Fusion. These are like monster trucks. Okay, can I ask this? What's the tier for just getting to hang out with the dude who owns this thing and smoke a joint with him? I think you could do that for free.

Oh, right. My question is, how long into hanging out with him would you think he'd say to you, You want to see something weird? Yeah, man. What do you got for me? All right, I'll tell you. Do you do it? Do you go? Yes. Do you see something weird? Yes. Jackie, do you see something weird? Yeah, man. What do you got for me? All right, I'll tell you. Do you do it? Do you know?

Yes. Do you see something weird? Yes. Jackie, do you see something weird? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely, you got to see it. I've never said no when someone's requested if I wanted to see something weird. It's always like, absolutely.

It's like you're already smoking a joint with a pig jacker offer. Right, right. You might as well see something weird. And you know what? I bet it won't involve pig semen, too. That's the fucked up part of it. You're going to wish it was pig semen. This guy ejaculates pigs for a living.

What is weird? Like, what is his level of bizarre? I mean, that's got a really, that goes down a rabbit hole there. I would love to see what he's got. Probably has something to do with rabbits. Yeah, most likely. Yeah, big floppy rabbits. You know, rabbits.

Can you jack off a rabbit? I've never heard of anybody jacking off a rabbit Well, we'll see How many animals can be jacked off out there? Also, I just wonder how many FBI lists Marcus is on Just doing this show Oh, okay, well there's rabbit masturbation videos for one

And then There's a you porn Oh no, wait, my wife masturbating with a rabbit. Rabbit's also a vibe. Yeah, yeah. I was really hoping it was just a dead rabbit. That would have been amazing. Slamming an extra repose.

I like to use his ears as a clitoral stimulation. Is that illegal? I love you, Barb. Is that illegal? Not if they're dead. What is illegal? No, is fucking a rabbit illegal? Yeah, dude.

BCLD is illegal If it's dead, though Is that just like necrophilia? Yeah, I don't know I think it's fine Who am I hurting? Obama It's all about hurting Obama So people do jack off rabbits for a living?

This job doesn't seem to exist, huh? No, I don't think so I don't think rabbit semen is very popular Alright, well, we can move on rabbit semen is very popular. All right, all right. Well, we can move on from semen. Yeah, let's move on, because we've been talking about semen for literally 18 minutes. I love it.

We can talk about it for more. This is the fucking most informative podcast we've had thus far. It was, yeah. This one's for the kids. I was about to ask about giraffes, but, I mean, they're huge. Well, now we have to know that answer. You can jack off a giraffe, and how much do they come? I'm sure you can jerk it off because it's gigantic, you know?

Yeah. You probably have to do it with your armpits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's so large. That's true. Give it a little clutter. That or like a big clamp. Yeah, yeah, something like that.

Like a car boot? I don't know how much there is. We can import giraffe semen from New Zealand. Wow. Okay. International. What are the customs with that?

This is the Australian government's website. There are quarantine requirements on this. That's someone's fucking job. I love it. Just selling giraffe semen. Who needs it? How was your day, honey?

Not now, Bruce. Who needs it? Who wants it? How was your day, honey? Not now, Bruce. All right, this is a very complicated... Yeah, forget about it, Marcus. Give us another few stories. All right, bath salts time.

Good. I love bath salts. Everyone wants them. In a drug-addled frenzy, a middle-aged couple invaded a neighbor's home armed to the teeth with guns and knives because they believed they were under attack from a gang camped underneath their house. Ah, Chud. Yeah, Chud!

Donna Jean Walls, 49, and Phillip Dwayne Walls, 50, of Kings Mountain, North Carolina, were high on bath salts and in a paranoid state of delusion and hallucination. Having already called 911 to alert the police to their imaginary enemies, the couple stumbled outside with a bag of weapons, fired off shots, and burst into Pastors Richard and Deborah Robinson's home. Pastor, huh? Yeah, Pastor. I love that people who are doing illegal drugs and completely breaking the law

are always the first to call the cops on the supposed intruders that are about to attack them. They said, there are people under our house. They were there yesterday and last night. It seems to be as soon as you take bath salts people appear underneath your house. You would think they would make a correlation between that. Was the house on stilts or was it more of

a poltergeist kind of situation? It was a really shitty prefab home. Actually, it is kind of on stilts. I'm looking at it right now. You can hide underneath that house. That would be pretty terrifying. There's a lot of houses on stilts in Florida, and sometimes you hear

shit underneath them. You're like, I know there's nothing there. I know there's nothing under there. You imagine that? Can you imagine just people living under your house? I'm with them. Fucking kill everybody. Kill them all. Jackie, they're not there, though. It sounds like some middle school kids just pulled the

worst prank of their lives. This is really gonna freak them out. We're gonna go talk loudly underneath the house. Fuck yeah, man. Were they definitely on bath salts? They were definitely on bath salts. Yeah, they, uh, Philip Walls, he carried a silver Taurus.44 caliber revolver. Cool.

Do you know how fucking big that gun is? No, how big is that gun? It is huge! How much bull semen can we fit in this gun? I mean, we're talking... I mean, this is the Dirty Harry gun, the.44. Oh, awesome. I was about to ask about how big it was in comparison to the Dirty Harry gun.

Can you imagine how big it was to him on bath salts. Like, everything is fucking, like, fear and loathing. Yeah. Just all wobbly and fucking shit. Oh, I love it. And he had a green military bag in which he packed several more firearms, a knife, jewelry, and wigs. Duh.

We're going for a great getaway. That sounds like fun. I mean, it seems like a lot of arsenal to kill two people, especially pastors. I mean, they're pacifists. How hard can it be to kill two pastors? It's not very hard. So what happens? Are they broke into their house?

Well, Donna Jean Walls, the wife was armed with a Springfield Armory 9mm pistol. Pretty much just a Glock. Just a Glock. Like the one that I wave around all the time? Yeah. That gun. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But a real one. Which she had already fired seven times outside as she rolled around with neighborhood dogs and chased them around. This sounds like a great time. I mean, if I'm taking bath salts, I'm taking it with them. That'd be fun. Did she have a wig on while she was doing it, or was the wig just in the bag? Can you imagine if it was a huge

blonde wig on? Because her face is a terrible mess. Why do people think they can get away with it if they cover their hair? That's the most notable part of their body. Well, if we just have a great disguise, glasses and a wig, everything will be totally fine.

I just can't believe people are still doing bath salts. Do meth. You know what? Stick to meth. You think meth is better than bath salts? Yeah. Okay. It's probably easier to acquire.

Yeah. Especially in North Carolina. Yeah. For sure. I probably easier to acquire. Yeah. Especially in North Carolina. Yeah. For sure. I saw this great video of a guy tripping out on bath salts or LSD or something. Yeah, you showed me that. Oh, no, no. There's a different one, though, that I saw last week where it's this guy laying in the

sand on a beach and he's waving his arms around. He's just going, exactly. Exactly. Exactly. I don't want to trip with that guy. I want to trip with the guy who has the wigs and the guns Literally five minutes and it just cut off after a while Exactly

Hands waving in the face of the camera What is going on in that dude's mind Exactly Every time I see a picture Or see a video of someone filming Someone else while they're tripping I can think of nothing more terrifying than someone pulling out a fucking video camera while they're tripping.

It's the absolute biggest buzzkill you could possibly have. What moment do you want to record that? It's so stupid. Hallucinogenics are meant to be in the moment and then forgotten. Cameras, anything else. I feel like I'm a fucking vampire or something. If you move the camera, I'll turn into a monster.

Get that out of here. I hate cameras at parties. I hate fucking video cameras. Pictures is one thing. Just regular pictures, that's fine. But actual video? What do you need that for? Bath salts is your time.

Andrew, you got something? In case my parents hear this thing, I've heard that when you do mushrooms or acid, you're super high and it's awesome. It's the best time ever. But I've read, I've heard that when you do mushrooms or acid, you're super high and it's awesome. It's the best time ever. But I've read, I've actually read, that when people do PCP and stuff, you don't actually even feel high.

You just go insane. You're just insane. And it's the same stuff. I can't imagine that the high would be worth cutting your face off and busting into a pastor's house and blowing him away. I mean, now that I've said that, that does sound like a lot of fun. It does sound fun! If we were all in bath salts, you could probably get us to do it immediately.

He didn't blow him away. The pastor talked him down by telling him, he said, let me find the quote here. Pastors are good with speaking. It makes a lot of sense. He said, you want to see something weird? No, pick Stephen!

Oh, man! The pastor said, you're in my house. This trip just got odd, honey. The pastor said, you're in my house. Ain't nobody gonna hurt you. Give me the gun. Finally, he asked him to pray in the hallway, and then that's what got the guy to calm down.

The power of prayer. There you go. Oh, thank God that God came in and took the bath salts out of his head and made him pray in the hallway. I mean, Christians have benefited from drug use for thousands of years to convince people that a God exists.

It's a good use. The battle was half won. He was like, this guy is on hallucinogenics. I can make him believe in God in a heartbeat. No problem. Everyone finds God. Very easy. Runway teenager.

That's difficult. Guy on bath salts. Super easy to convince the Lord exists. So did the cops end up arresting these guys? Or did the pastor not? They did. They've been charged with going armed To the terror of the people Sometimes the Daily Mail

Fucks up on their writing They're not very good Both have been charged with going armed To the terror of the people And breaking and entering And Donna Jean Walls faces an additional charge Of discharging a firearm Within 500 feet of a residence that is not her property

I didn't know that was a law I didn't know it was a law either I guess in North Carolina you have to make that a law charging a firearm within 500 feet of a residence that is not her property. I didn't know that was a law. I didn't know it was a law either. I guess in North Carolina, you have to make that a law. Yeah. So you can shoot a firearm in your own house as much as you want. You can just have, like, the shooting wall. Unless someone lives... Oh, that goddamn shooting wall.

I'm so mad at you right now, Barbara. I'm going down to the shooting wall. Unless your nearest neighbor is within 500 feet of your residence. Okay, well, I guess that's a nice law. I suppose. Nah, it's kind of sad. Whatever. Ivy's North Carolina's open land.

There are a lot of... It's like there will be blood. There are a lot of kooky, like, oil people that want to shoot guns off in their mansion at, like, their furniture, and that should be fine. Right. Manny, if I had a bunch of money, I would do that too. Totally, that'd be great. You have nothing else to do.

You've got nothing better to do. I'll call it Elvis Saturdays. I'm just going to sit in a chair, get fucking hammered, and just shoot it. Just shoot the chair across from me at all times. Also, a lot of fireworks, too. Oh, yeah. In the house.

Yeah, definitely in the house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Firework room. Firework room. We're on the same page, Jackie. Let's get famous already. Yeah, man. My butler will have a drinking problem.

He will have to. I will give him just cause. You mean he's going to be Kissel? Yeah, exactly. You're going to make it. I'm going to be like, may I buttle for you, sir? Can you drink? Absolutely.

I'm drunk right now. Oh, man. Can you imagine how great it would be to have a fire company on call at all times? Oh, yeah. Like your own fire company. You could do the fireworks. I put a fire in the bedroom. Come and put it out. I'm done staring at it now.

I'll tell you what though. The one thing I won't... Just outside. Yep, race is burning pretty good today, guys. The one thing I won't do is all the crazy car shit that Rich and Jay Leno does. Like drive around super fast around crazy turns getting dumb ass car accidents. I'll never do that either. That's the one thing I want to. I'll fucking throw fireworks into

my fucking living room and shit like that. The only crazy car thing that I would do is make an exact replica of the Deathmobile from Animal House. Yeah. And hang out around it and drink beer but not like go fucking driving around Dead Man's Curve. No. Just hang out around it and drink beer, but not like go fucking driving around Dead Man's Curve.

No, just hang out. Just like, hey guys, check it out. I'd buy a really fancy car and then I'd explode it. Then we'd all have a big party around it. That sounds fun. Andrew, what do you got? I would hunt a man. I would love to hunt a man. You give me some bath salts and I'm right with you, dude.

You round up some homeless people and you just fucking go. I want to flip that whole homeless thing you, dude. You round up some homeless people. I want to flip that whole homeless thing on its head. I want to take a billionaire. I want to hunt a fucking billionaire. I want to hunt a banker. You can do whatever you want. Donald Trump, a big fat headed asshole. Yeah, but in the Amazon.

Yeah, have like pictures of his family stapled to trees. Oh, you ought about this. Oh, yeah, you should see my journals. Please bring them next time you're on this show. You just bring them here tomorrow? I'm very... Yeah. So they're surprisingly similar to yours.

We need a small crew, but we can do it. I think so, for sure. Hunting a human being, I mean, what's more fun than that? You would have a boner the whole time. Yeah. The entire... You would, like, grab the dirt and smell it and taste it and be like, he was just here. And then like, come a ton

of pig cum. Just spray pig cum everywhere for no apparent reason, just because you bought it. If we were fucking loaded right now, we wouldn't have just like looked that up. We would have just ordered a bunch of pig cum. Get it, dude. Order that shit. It's a pig cum party. We're gonna pour it in a bowl

and look at it. Thursday morning we wake up just hungover. Delivery! Delivery! What the fuck is delivery? I didn't order anything. Oh, yeah, all that pig cum. Come over, man. Bring a stick, too, so you can stir it. Yeah, I would love to do that. That is, I guess, a millionaire dream.

Just every day you get deliveries of random shit that you got when you don't remember because you were so wasted. It doesn't matter. You're just happy to see them. When Ed and his buddy, they were all stoned and they bought that gigantic knife and sword collection from the television. Fuck you, Eddie.

Fuck Ed. What an asshole. That was so great. They woke up one day and they were knocking the door. They forgot all about it. I mean, fuck Ed. What an asshole. What an asshole. That was so great, you know, and then they woke up one day and they were, like, knocking the door. They forgot all about it. I mean, I would love that. It's a great time. All of a sudden, I'm playing with butterfly knives and fucking shooting off fireworks. And he's already lived this dream, and he didn't have to have money to do it.

Isn't that nice? Good to know, so we can start right now. Absolutely. Mark, is there any more stories? Yeah, we're going from North Carolina to South Carolina. Ooh, trash country. I hate South Carolina. It gets weirder the further down it gets.

Andrew, where are you from, by the way? I grew up in Ohio. Oh, I'm a Midwestern man myself. Oh, cool. From where? Wisconsin. Oh, awesome. Nice.

Yeah, same. Actually, Wisconsin had a great story today. Yeah. It was a seven-dead. I don't know how great it was. Well, it wasn't a great story. Was it more depressing? Was it a mosque shooting?

No, it was a Sikh temple. Oh, why are you going to fuck with the Hindu? They've got their notes all wrong. Yeah, the Hindu people are great people. Yeah, just Sikhs, because Sikhs have turbans, and it confused them. Oh, Wisconsinites are so stupid. So it was the Sikhs' fault when you look at it.

Yeah, if you really think about it from a fashion standpoint. That was in Milwaukee. What do you think it is, the Ottoman Empire in 1890? Can you imagine if they said that? You guys are kind of like smart killers, I guess. We're not Turkish. Aren't they Turks?

I don't know. The Turks in the... But it was big. Yeah, they had turbans. They were darker than white people. They're not white. It's not in our history books.

Wherever you are. People in Wisconsin, stop shooting up fucking Hindu temples, please. Just get drunk and eat the Kurds, man. You have a great life. People in Wisconsin

live great lives. People just have the best time in Wisconsin. Why is everyone so stupid? Because they're having a great time. You're never at the peak of your intelligence when you're loving life.

It tends to be when you're the dumbest. Eat cheese, drink a beer, the way I want to be. That's right. Alright, Marcus. Alright, a drunken South Carolina couple, he's 76, she's 64, Robin the Cradle, was arrested yesterday on indecency charges after the man

was spotted performing oral sex on the woman in a city park. So crusty. According to an arrest report That is the best use of the word crusty I've ever heard, by the way. That's exactly what that is. James Harsey and Audra

Rodriguez were trysting by a bridge in Balsam Park Trysting makes it sound so romantic. Like Audrey Hepburn and Carrie Grant are tristing in Central Park. He was eating her pussy. They were wasted. They were surrounded by several bottles of vodka. Harzy had his head between

the legs of Rodriguez. Oh, the humidity in the south. It would have smelled so bad. And this is from the police report. Performing oral sex on her exposed genitals. I hate the word genitals so much. I do too. Do we all agree that it's more disgusting that he was eating her pussy as opposed to her blowing his dick?

Completely. You have to get so in there. And also, out in public, dude, it's like, I cannot, like, sure, fucking in public, that's a whole different thing. Right.

But like, ugh, gross. I'm so grossed out. I can't even get, I can't get eaten out unless I had just taken a shower in the summer.

That's it. Oh, yeah. And it's like, you have to have just taken a shower. Yeah. And she's just like, out there, she's like,

I like that. I like it. combo this story with the Walmart there saying I like that. I like it. Combo this story with the Walmart story because I think that these are comparable. I don't know

which one is more disgusting. All the Listerine in the world. The other one this was just numb the pussy if a dude

took a bunch of Listerine and then started eating you out. That would be taste weird. What if she rubbed like bananas on it?

Rubbed bananas on it. Fruit flies, bro. Yeah, fruit flies. It would be all, like, ugh. Yeah, it would be like hummus. I just get one of the fruit flies. You get one, you get them all. Can you put the dip on it? Can you put the dip on it?

You should eat nachos. Picture him dipping little baby carrots into it. Oh. The opponent is eating nachos. Picture him dipping little baby carrots into it. Why is that worse than salary, too? I don't know why. But it is. Because I kind of like carrots. Yeah, that's true. All right, the other one.

A bunny fuckter. All right, I'm done with it. All right. A pair of frisky Kansans are facing criminal charges after they allegedly swiped some KY jelly from a Walmart Alright, I'm done with it. A pair of frisky Kansans are facing criminal charges after they allegedly swiped some KY jelly from a Walmart and actually began twisting inside the big bar. Again with the twisting!

What is twisting? That's not what it means! Is that today's Making Whoopie? Are we serious with the twisting? We were making whoopie in the Walmart parking lot. These are both from thesmokinggun.com So the writer just loves the word Trist. Yeah, the writer just loves it.

That's not what Trist... A Trist. My grandparents talk about Trist. Did you know they were public fucking deviants? At least make it sound engrossed like they began borking. Or something like that.

They were pookin'. Pookin' at a Walmart. Tryin' to make his dick puke. Yeah, where's the dirty news? That needs to start. Someone needs to start that website, the dirty news. Just take every news story and just fuckin' make it dirty. Absolutely.

Set your Google alerts to Tristing. The X-rated encounter Sunday evening resulted in the arrest of Julian Call, 22, and Tina Guianacon, 35. Whoa! Guianacon? Oh yeah, Tina. On theft and lewd and lascivious behavior charges, according to the Hutchinson Police Department, Call and Guianacon are pictured in the adjacent mug shots. You can't really see them.

Witnesses told officers that the couple was openly fondling each other in full view of fellow Walmart shoppers. Additionally, the pair was accused of shoplifting the sexual lubricant and other items. Wait, they were inside the Walmart? Yeah, they were inside the Walmart. They couldn't wait to use it and they just started fucking in the aisles.

Maybe I just don't know what love is. I've never maybe been in love enough to be like, I need to fuck you right now in this Walmart in front of everybody else. Do you think true love is at play here? I guess so. So what is more disgusting? And they were also said to be sober. This is interesting.

Interesting. So we have some differences in the stories. What's more disgusting? You're walking through a park, enjoying a nice time with your lady. Getting eaten out in public. Yeah, that's definitely it. Yeah, this doesn't even come...

I'm like, oh, okay. This is kind of nice, right? These people aren't disgusting. I mean, the guy's goatee is pretty shitty. Yeah, they're kind of gross. Wait, is he 22? Yeah, and she's... 35.

And the other couple was 76. Yeah, yeah, Ken. Yeah. There's an age disparity that just makes you fucking public. The guy that was eating out the old woman, the old man, the old woman. Vodka sweats, by the way. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's got, like, the bird's eyes where they come out and they fall like three inches.

So just imagine that on the inside of your thighs rubbing against it while like you're sweating. So let's go around to the table. What noise do you think he was making? I'm gonna go with it. Ben, what do you think? He's summoning the devil. I would say it would be sorry that

they would be like... But that's like too ladylike, though. I mean, that's the thing. This guy is wasted off of vodka. Yeah, I was going to do one. I'm going to go... Squid, like, got his squid piece. He's eating around like Prometheus.

How about you, Andrew? Andrew, what do you got? I imagine he's like, here, now, hold that flap up. He's talking her through it. Now, come on, now. I was just talking to it. I wasn't fucking eating it.

I wasn't eating it, officer. I was talking to her pussy, man, trying to make it young again. I did a fucking pussy spell on it. Sir, you are publicly wasted. How clean do you think it was down there, too? Not clean. Not at all. It's like nappy.

Several bottles of vodka. Several bottles. Three bottles of vodka. And they were large bottles? Well, it doesn't... This is bottles, right? It just said they had three bottles of vodka all open. And it doesn't look like she keeps up down there.

No. That's what I was trying to say. Yeah. I mean, this woman is a monster. However, though, free love, I don't think that these aren't the two worst crimes in the world. No, but they're really gross.

That one, especially. That one's gross. I saw a guy getting a handjob by a prostitute in Battery Park and he had a nice little blanket over it. I was, you know, looked at it. You were fine? You over it. I was, you know. That's fine. Looked at it. You were fine?

You were pleased? I was happy for the guy. What was the hooker like? It was an obvious prostitute situation. What was the hooker look like? She was like a black chick, like 45, haggard. Obviously a hooker. You know.

Oh, definitely a hooker. Prostitutes in real life aren't like they are in the movies. No. No. But they're not like Pretty Woman? No, they never have red hair. It's a piano scene. It's the only movie she's ever seen.

Just go with it. Just waiting to be saved. The only honest hooker that's been on TV is the hooker in the first season of Breaking Bad. Yeah, yeah. She doesn't even have an IMDb. Yeah, that's most of them. They're missing some teeth.

It's not as fun. It's not as fun in real life. No, not as fun as you would think. So kudos to both of these couples for finding love without having to pay for it. Finding love, everybody. That's nice. That's what this episode's all about both of these couples for finding love without having to pay for it. Finding love, everybody. That's what this episode's all about. It really is.

Doesn't this put a damper on their whole love situation? Getting arrested. That sort of fucks it up a little bit. Think of how much public sex they're going to have when they get out and they get reunited. They're going to get immediately tanked and immediately start sucking on every orifice of each other's bodies.

Right. Love. That's love. Think about this as well. I think we kind of skimmed over this a bit. A huge description of her nipples. It was in a city park, but it was by a bridge.

That's sweet. Under the bridge downtown. Maybe it is a tryst then. By a bridge is a tryst. I mean, this is a nice day. Woody Allen, the beautiful bridge scene, but instead of two shadowy figures, there's just one and then like a head bobbing out.

More of a Scorsese view of the city. See, apparently my view of bridges is much different from you guys because I don't get any kind of romantic feelings from bridges. It really goes gruff. I'm thinking more troll. Yeah, I'm thinking that's where

the dangerous people hang out. Well, that's also true. That's where weird shit happens underneath bridges. And suicide. A lot of bridge jumpers. Yeah, but did you ever see bridges of Madison County?

No. Think about that. It's a placewood. Beautiful. Was it good? What was your favorite part? Oh, every part. Every part that had Meryl Streep in it.

I cried. I love Meryl Streep. Oh, man. That's an old time. That's an old time. You're crying the whole time. You cried. Because it's beautiful.

Now, that's a tryst. Now, that was a tryst. They both had families. He was a photographer, and he would come into town. And she lived in this small town. Her husband didn't understand her. He was a photographer and he would come into town. And she lived in this small town. Her husband didn't understand her. He was a coal miner. He didn't understand her.

But he was sensitive. And he took pictures of the bridge. And he would come to Madison County. And he would kiss her. She had never been kissed before. Did he give her vodka? No, they had sex while the kids were in the house. No!

What? Surprise, India! The screams are coming from inside the house! I think our parents are fucking upstairs. You really should work for a PR firm, Jack. That was great.

What a good movie. Speaking of professions, it's time for a segment from Holden McNabb. Door-to-door salesmen. We're all going to go around and knock on Marcus' door And try to sell him something I guess I'll go first Fuck I forgot about this I know I always do something with segments

Yes hello Hi how you doing Good Fantastic what's your name My name's Holden Marcus Fine Could I interest you in a...

Just so you know, he can close the door at any time. Yeah, I can't believe the door is still open. No, don't. My foot's in it. So, listen. You gotta shoot this guy. Can I interest you in some Girl Scout cookies? You don't look like a...

Why are you selling Girl Scout cookies? Because I found them. Over there. By the dead girl? I'm going to... Goodbye. There's weed in them! There's weed in them!

No, you shut the door. You can't reopen it. The door locks when the door shuts down. That's not a rule. I found Girl Scout cookies. I broke them open. I put weed in them. You close the door, You'll never know that

Yeah well you should have Been a better salesman Yeah I killed a girl for you What more do you need That's very nice Yeah I have nothing to sell

So somebody Oh sell something Sell something Can we do it for the word Okay alright Knock knock knock Knock knock knock Hello

Hi Hey baby You looking very sweet today You sweaty But I like you. My name's Jackie. I got holes. You need a hole?

I got a hole. Want me to make a hole? I can make a hole. I can dig a hole. I got all kinds of holes. You need a hole? You need a wet hole? You need a deep hole?

You need a thin hole? I got holes for you. Need a hole, mister? I like you. And I like your show. I mean, you're offering him sex. Why would you shut the door? He's offering stolen Girl Scout movies

and you're offering a pussy. I'm talking about digging holes. She's talking about holes. I'm intrigued. Oh, you're intrigued? Why don't you come outside? I'll show you a hole. What, Jackie?

My mama dug. Come with me. Leave me your business card. Oh, okay. Yeah, but maybe you should come with me because I got painted nails. Okay, well, I'm coming with you right now. Where are we going? I'm drunk and you need to come with me.

Okay. Oh, Motel. Oh, where did that come from? Oh, Motel, hey. Hello, Motel. You want Girl Scout cookies? Is there weed in them? Yes.

What? I'll take it. He holds it. What is that? That was good. That's good. All right, Andrew and Ben, who's doing this? I don't know.

You just go. That was hard. That was really hard. Yes, hello? Hey, Marcus. It's Andrew Short. Open the door. Hey, Andrew.

Hey. I'm not opening the door. What do you want? Wow, you don't even open it the door. Hey, Andrew. I'm not opening the door. What do you want? Wow, you don't even open it at all. He sounds weird. Yeah. I've got all this pudding. That's my Geo Metro out front.

I can just drive a Geo Metro. Why do you have it? I'm in a lot of fucking trouble. What's wrong? I don't know, man. I got all this fucking pudding. Where did you have it? I'm in a lot of fucking trouble What's wrong? I don't know man I got all this fucking pudding Where did you get it? I don't know but I don't think it's my blood And it's everywhere

I'm in so much fucking trouble Settle down I've opened the door It's fine Andrew shut the fuck up Shut up Where is the body? It wasn't supposed to happen fine. Where is the... Andrew, shut the fuck up! Shut up! Shut up! Where is the body? It wasn't supposed to happen like that.

I know. Where is the body? Where is the body? How do you sell it? What's happening? I just feel like everyone is a murderer. Everyone just knocks on your door. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Where's the body?

It's in a lot of places at this point. I don't know. I didn't do my math. I'm so fucked. I'm so, I'm sorry. Where's the body? It's in a lot of places at this point. I don't know. I didn't do my math. I'm so fucked. I'm so goddamn fucked. It's fine. It's fine. Does anyone know where you are right now?

No, just you, man. Yeah? Yeah, just you. Okay. And I just want to get you in on the ground floor for this brand new Oracle vacuum. It's eight pounds. Buy the vacuum! Eight pounds.

Easy to carry up the stairs. I love it! Never the extension cord, 35 feet long. When are you going to run out of space? Wow. And I murdered a child. I know you.

You know, I love the vacuum, but you're still covered in blood. All right, well. But you know what? Sold. Yay! Well, I don't even know. Because you know what? That is dedication to a product.

That was dedication. That was really good. All right, Ben. All right, I'm doing the knock, and then I do the pig semen. I got a whole bunch of it for you. And I got some Ginsu knives, perfect to cut up kids. So I got you some pig semen. I got a whole bunch of it for you. And I got some Ginsu knives perfect to cut up kids. So I got you some pig semen, some knives. Do you want to buy them? Because I really think that this is going to

be a fine product for you to use when you kill your child. Cover them in pig semen. Blame it on a bovine. Ben, you win. Yay! Wow. I never win. You never win. You never win.

I don't know what I did wrong. Thank you for allowing a loser to win He never wins. He never wins. He never wins. He never wins. I don't know what I did wrong. He never wins. Thank you for allowing a loser to win every now and again. That's very nice of you, Marcus. All right. Well, this has been such a fun time. This has been fun.

It's been great, man. Wonderful. All right, Jackie, Holden, I'm back. Thank you so much, Andrew. Oh, thanks for having me. This was awesome. Yeah, and Marcus. All right, we'll talk to you guys soon.

Squawk! Oh! Oh, I'm coming! And Marcus. Alright, we'll talk to you guys soon. Squawk!