The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 11: Friday the 13th Belongs To Us

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

VAMPIRE BATS! Peru is apparently full of them and children are dying. Yes. We will make fun of this. And you will laugh. Remember the day this episode was recorded and draw your own conclusions on what will happen if you don’t.

I wish my dick made noise whenever it came. All right. All right. Just start? Start. Prayer time. All right, everybody. Take off your hats.

Bow your heads. Bow your heads in prayer. In the name of the Father, we're doing this Catholic. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. Amen. Dear Lord Jesus Satan, we pray to you for guidance. Some do not know the repercussions of murder.

We must change them. We must clean them. With or without knives. You ever skin a human? God? I asked you a question. It's impolite to ignore people, God. If the answer is yes, make it rain lizards.

If the answer is no, make it rain snakes. If you can't remember whether you did it or not, make the thunder fart. Maybe. Is that a fart? It's nothing. I almost heard a fart. It's nothing? No, nothing. Show yourself.

Nobody likes a coward, God. Don't act like a pussy. You better not hide when I die, because I will scour the deserts of heaven to find you and release the tortured, trapped souls and let them enjoy the pleasures of our hell and our Lord Lucifer, the thorny God, the merciful. In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, amen.

Amen. Wow. What a prayer. I never knew Lucifer was merciful. I always thought he was pretty... It's a party down there. Welcome to the Roundtable, gentlemen. With us as always, not Jackie Zebrowski.

What's going on? Absent. Little tardy. Fuck it up. Little tardy. Fuck it up. Little tardy. Little retardy. I think we're going to have to give her detention. Detention she gets.

Detention. Yeah, she will get her detention. She has to sit down here with Lawrence for a night. Yeah, yeah. She has to crash at Lawrence for one night. That's the basement dweller in which we report our podcast from his terrible, terrible domain. Who is everybody? Oh, I am Ed Larson, the genius.

I'm Holder McNeely, the idiot. I'm Kevin Barnett. I'm in between those two. All right. I'm Ben Kissel, and with us as always, Marxist Parks. It's the Newsman. What do you got? Oh, and by the way, happy Friday the 13th, ladies and gentlemen.

Boogity, boogity, boo. Boogity, boo. One, two, Freddy's coming for you. No, that's not Freddy. That's Nightmare on Elm Street. This is Freddy. Three, four, Jason's getting you more. No, that's Nightmare on Elm Street. This is Freddy. Three, four, Jason's getting you more. Nope, this is about Jason Voorhees today.

Camp Crystal Lake. Newsman. Newsman Marks and Parks, what's happening, buddy? There's a serial killer targeting old small black men. It's me. Old small black men. It's me. You're confessing right now on semi-live radio?

Yes, yes, yes. On Tuesday, I'm going to be arrested. We can't edit that part out. We don't know how to edit things out of this thing. It doesn't matter. It's a confession. If you edit it out, I'm just going to have to do it again next week. Don't keep confessing to horrible crimes.

I did it. Black people are going to have to see it. I'm the one who put the longest shit in your bed, Ben. Oh, that was you. No, thank you. Thank you. It's like a new thing I'm doing now. I'm just rolling around in it.

It's still there. Oh, it's still in there. That's funny. That's why it smells like such horrible shit in your room. Yeah, it's your shit. I'll tell you, that black serial killer. Is it a serial killer of black, dude, or is it a white fella? They say he's a 5'8 and either white or Middle Eastern. One of the two. I'll tell you that black Is it a circular black dude or is it a white fella Hispanic fella

He's a 5'8 and either white or middle eastern One of the two I'm going middle eastern I have no idea I just think hopefully this will deter black people From wearing those Skittles NASCAR jackets Because that really makes you hold out Stand out

Hold out Stand out Ladies Hold out, stand out. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the round table. Let me do the prayer again. Let's do this again. Dear God, let us all pray. Eddie, what do you think? I mean, how would you do it? You're hunting black men. Where is this at? Is this Virginia? This is Flint, Michigan.

Flint, Michigan? Hold on, black people are getting murdered in Flint, Michigan, and we're like, this is news? Yeah. Hasn't this been going on for 20 years? At least you know he's not robbing them or killing them for their money. He killed five people in Flint, wounded 10 others, and he's wounded three in Virginia now. Oh, you're talking. I know about this dude.

He's Middle Eastern. He's Israeli. He's Israeli, this guy. He's a Jew? Yeah, that's what they figured out. He's Middle Eastern. He's Israeli. He's Israeli, this guy. He's a Jew? Yeah, that's what they figured out. He's a former fucking Israeli soldier, man. You're talking like figured out so they haven't caught him yet? Yeah, I guess they have caught him, as Ben says.

I'm behind on the news. Well, I don't know if they caught him. They just know he's an Israeli. I have a feeling they're going to let him kill a few more blacks before they catch him. Just a couple of sheriffs are like, just let him have eight more. He's doing our job for us. It's like specifically like old

black dudes. He flags them down and is like, hey, I need my car fixed. And he drives a green Chevy Blazer. Damn. Straight up their ass. That's terrible. How do old black dudes Stop for people who need their car fixed

That's my question They're nice Once you hit like 40 you become a super nice person Your testosterone's down Your bosom size are up You love ham more than you ever loved it before And then you're subject to being a victim It's very sad

He's a Christian from Israel Really? Go fuck yourself with that. What's he doing? Dumb bitch. Jews for Jesus. Oh, whatever with that. You can't be a Jew for Jesus. Aren't you just a Christian then? Oh, yeah. I mean, Eddie, as a Jew, what do you think about these Jewish Christians

over there? I'm not a Jew. I wish I was a Jew. Okay, well, that's close enough to being Jewish in my book. Well, thank you. Not bad. You're welcome. Kwanzaa. Kwanzaa. I love Kwanzaa. Yes. Is that Jewish?

I don't know. Is that Jewish? No, it's not Jewish. I'm pretty sure it's not Jewish. Oh, this religion is just like blah, blah, blah. Like what are you supposed to pay attention to? What is the one? It's like a bunch of babies.

Hanukkah. Hanukkah. Hanukkah. Are you serious, man? Kwanzaa. Who knows? How the fuck do I know? I only celebrate Halloween.

That's my favorite one. Oh, man. What do you think, Eddie? I mean, what's his life like over in Israel if you're a Christian? That's going to be terrible, right? Oh, it's going to suck. Do they like him? No one likes anyone in Israel.

Only people like in Israel are Israelites. God damn it, I can't speak. It's all right, man. It's okay. I just get so heated about this situation. We're editing the fuck out of this thing, man. What you don't realize is it's only going to be a 10-minute podcast. I wish we could edit my life.

I know, right? If I could take back some of those rapes, that would be great. Oh, man, just two of them. Just two. Those girls are ugly. Yeah, the two that I regret. Holy Jesus Christ. I don't even know what I'm talking about right now.

It's Friday the 13th, ladies and gentlemen. It's all rape talk all the time. Let's talk about kittens in trunks. Oh, kitten boat. Before we move on to kittens in trunks, the Israeli guy got a bit of a callback to Cropsey here. Oh, yeah? This guy used to work at a hospital for mentally handicapped children. Oh, nice.

They should screen those people better. They should. It's a delicate situation. You can't just throw the kids around the room. I mean, you can. You do. The wall's padded. Yeah, right? Well, I mean, you know, maybe that's a good rehabilitation then for serial killers and people like that that they catch up or the wall's padded. Yeah, yeah, right? You throw them around. Well, I mean, you know, maybe, I mean,

that's a good rehabilitation then for serial killers and people like that that they catch up and work with the kids. Well, are you a serial killer before you go in or are you a serial killer

when you come out? I mean, it's a very when you're in the bathroom kind of situation. He came out a serial killer, right? Like, that was something he did back in the day. But maybe it's like antibiotics.

You know? Think about that for a second. So the thing that causes it is the thing that could take it away. That's a good point. I don't even know what that means. Antibiotics isn't that like when it's the germ that... Antibiotics is what takes away the flu.

I did poorly in biology. But when they put the virus causing agent in you and then it takes it away? That's a vaccine. Come on, away? That's a vaccine, man. Oh, a vaccine. Come on, man. I don't know, man. I fucking majored in theater, bro.

All we did was roll around the floor and call out our mother's name. Apparently not. Your body is your instrument, bro. Oh, seriously, man. You're fucking eight years old. You're an eight-year-old. I know.

It's just like, I just want to play in a ball pit. Fuck you, bitches. I don't know. Either way. We got to get that Israeli serial killer over here. Just take care of Holden. I guess. Actually, no.

He would not take care of Holden. He'd take care of Kevin. I guess. I just don't know why he's tall. I'm not old enough, man. Yeah, older black men. But that's the thing. You've got one of three.

You're tall and young, but you're also black. Yeah, but is that good enough to be killed? I feel like you have to have all three to be killed. He's got better chances than Holden does. I guess so. There's a lot of black people in Michigan, man. I think I'm alright. I'm far away from that.

Just catches this podcast randomly, makes a detour. I'll tell you, Canada has never felt safer. You know, this serial killer will not be going after them. Canada's always been safe as hell. There's nothing wrong with Canada. Canada, they're just, they know why? Because they're allowed to fight. Canada and Stevens Point, Wisconsin is going to be just fine.

This serial killer has a very small market of killing. Mm-hmm. You know, what is that? Black people, 15% of the population. Elderly black people, you're cutting that down to 7%. Men, 4% of the population. This guy's just fine. Let him out there.

Who cares? 96% of society is safe. I mean, we have food out there with Ebola threatening 75% of us. You know, this guy, he's A-OK in my book. Go after him, brother. And yet all the food that we have out there, people still are eating cats.

Well, you know. I love it. Eating cats. That's some Haitian shit, man. That's what they do over there. As they grill up cats on the train tracks, man. What? I mean, I've never been there, but that's what I heard. That's what I heard about them, man.

They gotta get that Israeli sealer killer to go over there and take some names. No, there's a guy. Oh, so the train tracks are hot enough? That's what I've heard, man. I imagine the sun. They're small cats, though. The electricity on the train tracks, they can burn these cats up, eat them with some eggs or something. Whatever they do.

Haitians are weird, man. Some weird people. They seem nice. Yeah. Oh, man. This dude over there, though, what was this guy up to he's a Queens right Buffalo Buffalo New York Buffalo New York oh this guy was pulled over for running a red light mm-hmm the cops heard meowing from his trunk open it up this thing was still alive there was that live cat marinate oh yeah peppers whoa yeah well I just read the headline I thought man I meant like it was just like it was just in there hot and I was about to die but marinate like no this dude was gonna eat it and this

dude is not a Haitian. Not in Buffalo. Is he Chinese? No, not in Buffalo. No, his name is Gary Corkuck. He's a white man. That is the whitest name I've ever heard. White man, white man. White one. We got one. Hey, Corkuck, what are you doing in there? Yeah, just a man in a cat.

Sounds like he teaches anthropology or some shit, man. So what's this cat? This cat is like, what is it, tied down or something? It looks like a cartoon. Yeah, I know. Did what's this cat? This cat is like, what is it? Tied down or something? It looks like a cartoon. Did they shave the cat? It just says it was in a cage. The cat was in a cage. The cat was in a cage.

I guess the cage was... So it had no hair or did it have hair? Because how can you marinate it through hair? It had hair. Did it have little stab wounds? The reason why the guy was marinating it, I quote, said the cat was possessive, greedy, and wasteful.

I actually agree with that description. Fuck cats. That stupid-ass cat needed to be eaten. And it was a neutered male cat, and the guy said, that cat's pregnant. Well, he wasn't the smartest. Is that illegal? Is it illegal to marinate a cat?

I mean, we eat animals all day long. It actually is. It's considered animal cruelty. So what animals can't you kill and what animals can you kill? I just watched Food Nation or Food Inc. or whatever, and we're terribly rude to a lot of animals. Terribly crude. Why can't you eat a cat?

Fuck a cat. I'm checking it out. But I think maybe isn't that something to do with like a cat being like a cat. I'm checking it out. I think it has something to do with a cat being a sentient animal. The cat, the level of intelligence. They say maybe it's because of that, but maybe just because we domesticate cats, keep them as pets.

They say it's supposed to be smarter, but pigs are supposed to be way smarter than dogs. Pigs are smarter than dogs for sure. We eat the shit out of pigs all the time. I can understand not being allowed to kill an animal that's endangered. That makes sense to me. And cats are not endangered. Those things are thriving.

They're fucking thriving. I heard that if New York City lost humans, that cats would take over. Cats would take over the city. And we've all seen the fucking movies, man. Cats, they start smoking cigars, getting small underground bootleg businesses. The rest of the cats, man. They were terrible. They were. A few good ones, but, man. They were terrible. They were.

A few good ones, but come on. They could play some fucking jazz, I'll tell you that much. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's very true. They knew what time it was, man. All right, here's the verdict on eating cats. You can do it in Missouri and nowhere else. What?

Really? Missouri's got it right. Just like anything else. So what's the law? It's just They're domesticated So you can't eat them Yeah you can't slaughter Or butcher

Domesticated animals Cats and dogs Essentially Maybe a bird Can you eat a bird They murder them At the pound Why can't we eat them

I feel like we should Be able to eat cats Fuck yeah I think we I think we should eat cats I'd eat a cat Yeah I think we should too I would love to eat a cat

I think we should eat Anything with meat Yeah Except for horses You wouldn't eat a cat. I think we should eat anything with meat. Yeah. Except for horses. You wouldn't eat a horse? That's what my girlfriend said as well. I feel weird about it. It's greasy.

You feel weird about eating horses, but you would eat a cat? Yeah. I don't like cats. I like horses. I just won't fuck you up, man. I love dogs. I need a dog. I wouldn't eat my dog.

Well, you can't eat your dog. I would if I was on the Oregon Trail. Oh, that dog. I would just look at that dog every day. Yeah. Well, you can't eat your dog. I would if I was on the Oregon Trail. Oh, that dog. I would just look at that dog every day. Hey, Mom. I mean, I'm not saying that I would never

eat a horse. If I was, you know, on the Oregon Trail and there was some horse meat there, of course, but I wouldn't look at a menu and see horse

on it. Choose the horse. I'm going to have some of that, yeah. I just like that this guy took the time to marinate it. I mean, he really

wanted to make a good tasting cat. He wasn't throwing some shit in the microwave. This isn't a pot pie cat. This was going to be a fucking gourmet dinner cat. Peppers and onions. That's a great way to marinate. How I mean, he really wanted to make a good tasting cat. He wasn't throwing some shit in the microwave. This isn't a pot pie cat. This was going to be a fucking gourmet dinner cat.

Peppers and onions. That's a great way to marinate. How do you do it? You can't marinate meat that's alive. That's the thing. You can't put with hair on it. The hair is going to

fucking soak up all the sauce. Yeah, no, you have to skin it, take off the meat, and then marinate the meat. It's like, how often do you

marinate a cat? If you can marinate a cat, do it right. Just do it with thinking things through. He only got one chance. And why did he do it in his trunk? Is this man a vagrant? Is he homeless? Just a car guy?

He was driving around. He was a busy man. What was the marinade? All it says is peppers and onions. You got a little barbecue sauce on that. I mean, how would you do that, Eddie? A little bit of mojo. Well, if I was to marinate a cat, yeah, mojo would probably go well.

You'd have to go with some lime, definitely. Oh, lime. Yeah, definitely some lime, and then I would probably hit it with some jerk seasoning. Oh, not bad. Nice, man. You're making me hungry, bro. Slow roast it for a little while, and you pull it around. You pull it, and you shred it, and you make little sliders. Little cat sliders.

That would be fun. Get a little whisker in this one. Let's make that happen, man. Yeah, man. Get a cat. Yeah, we got plenty, man. We got a bunch of people on cats. Tim's got a cat.

John's got a cat. We got people. Oh, I would love to feed John his cat. That's a dude in Murder Fist. He's a great guy, but he needs to eat his cat.

One of those where it's like, oh, are you enjoying your slider right now? Are you enjoying your slider? Oh, good. It looks like you're getting some on your chin. You want to get that in there? You don't want to waste any. You notice your cat's missing a leg?

Think about that. I don't think you can make a slider out of a cat leg. Oh, yeah, you can do your thigh. It must have been a fat fucking cat if you thought it was pregnant. No, it was a fairly skinny cat. I'm looking at a picture right now. It's a good looking cat.

Four years old. His name was Navarro. Oh, after perhaps Dave Navarro. He might have been a Chili Peppers fan. Oh, and that's why he put Chili Peppers in the fucking dish. All starting to make sense. I'm right inside this man's brain. I love this dude. Navarro quit the Peppers after only doing

one album. That's where the rage started. This is like the dude who killed Dimebag Daryl. He's taking it all on this fucking cat, though. You wanted more One Hot Minute, man. You watch out, Dave Navarro. We're going to fucking skin you and marinate you right. Oh, that would be great.

Dave Navarro would be delicious, man, I think. Tastes like AIDS. Yeah, yeah. Pussy AIDS. And Carmen Electra yeah man I would love that is he married to her no but they

I don't think they're together anymore yeah but man she used to bang out Be Real from Cypress Hill oh god really

yeah yeah I bet that was fun oh yeah yeah so what did this guy get what did the cops did the cops throw the book at him how many days in jail and what do you do

like I know in jail it's like if you fuck a kid you get fucked if you murder somebody you get like good stuff but if you like if you beat a woman you? I know in jail, if you fuck a kid, you get fucked. If you murder somebody, you get good stuff. But if you beat a woman, you get beat up all the time. If you kill a cat and eat it, how do they treat you in prison? Are you a god?

It's just animal cruelty. So he probably got a fine and was out on bail. Yeah, he's got to clean the highway and shit. So what's up with the cat? Find more cats. How do you keep this man away from cats? Well, the cat was cleaned off and was adopted the next day. Wow.

Wow, that is a fucking spooky-ass cat to give your fucking six-year-old kid. Adopted the next day? That's a quick turnover. I mean, I know it's a good-looking cat, but that's still a quick turnover. Well, you know, it was a celebrity cat. It was. You know, you're talking about spooky shit. Peru is, goddammit, they've got an infestation of vampire bats.

Vampire bats. People are dying. This is coupled with the bubonic plague, right? Yeah, they were hit by the bubonic plague last week. This week, vampire bats because of deforestation. Two more things, I'm going to start believing in God. It starts raining locusts. I'm really going to be honest.

That's crazy. I thought vampire bats only fed on cattle and horses and stuff. They've attacked over 500 people. What? And they're killing them? They're dying from this? They've killed three children. Oh, damn.

That's amazing. I kind of want to go to Peru. If Peru plays their cards right, this could be a fantastic tourist attraction. I want to go so bad. Oh, actually, no. Four children. Excuse me. The numbers are rising as we do this podcast.

There's a little ticker on the side of the computer. That's amazing. Shit, man. We got to send Alucard down there. Castlevania, heart of Peru. What do they do? They just suck the blood out of the kids? They suck them all dry?

I mean, how much blood do these things actually suck? Actually, they die of rabies. Rabies is a very powerful drug. Those kids, everyone just thought they had ADD. Turns out, rabies. Not good. Not good. Yeah, it's because of the deforestation of the Amazon. The vampire bats are coming out and feeding on humans.

Well, that has nothing to do with the bubonic plague. No, that's something different altogether. They need to start praying to a different god over there. What's the religion in Peru? God. It's just God? Yeah, it's Catholicism probably. It has to be.

Yeah, it has to be. They've got to change it up. Switch it over to vampire bats and fucking stat, dude. Yeah, you better start. Put them up on a pedestal. Raising those fucking things. Elect them into office, please. Come on.

You've got to survive this thing. And they are more fit, apparently. That's a great campaign. I won't suck your blood and kill you if you elect me yeah all right yeah the vampire bats like form a human you know oh they get all together and like that's the coolest thing so it only killed four kids which means a whole bunch of other people so they might just be infected with vampire bat we might have a dracula on our hands you. You know that in order to get vaccinated with rabies, you have to take a shot that's

I think like three inches long and they shove it into your stomach. Oh, that actually reminds me of the first time I had sex. Come on. It used to be five shots. They got it down to one. Oh my god. Not bad, not bad. The future.

I tell you. I love the way that we have all the technology, but Peru is still in the 14th century. Somewhere around there. They need to have a witch trial. I'm going to attack my vampire bat. How do you even scream? I'm going to attack. Yo, yeah. It's a vampire bat.

All right. Okay, Bohemians. Vampire bats are fucking huge, too. Are they like small turkeys? Oh, man. They're a big-ass bat. What's the wingspan, like six feet or something like that? No! It's something huge like that.

It's something ridiculous. It's like that monster from Jeepers Creepers. They're from the Amazon. They're the biggest bat in the Amazon. Damn, dude, that would be so fucking petrifying, having that monster beast attack your ass. That is a living horror film. It's just graded in customs, too. They're just like, where are you from?

Peru. It's like, all right, why are you visiting America? Vampire bats. Yeah, exactly. Just fought away from the vampire bats. I do have the bubonic plague, though, so I just thought I was going to spread that. That's cool, right? Everything's good?

Send them over to Canada. That is amazing. Fucking vampire bats. What's the name of that crazy-ass squid? Oh, like the giant vampire squid from hell? Yeah, yeah, it was implanted. Is that just its name? That's what the name of the scientist gave it.

Giant vampire squid from hell. It's terrifying. It just has like, you know, like 30 ways to murder you, you know? Just like it's got all these little teeth on its... Just loves hip-hop. Yeah, it's just... And it's just constantly just like... And it's fucking bright red.

Yeah, I know. I was like blown away when I saw that. I was just like, man, creatures of the deep, man. They're coming to fucking get us, man. What a fucking Friday the 13th. This is awesome, man. I've got some results on the wingspan. What do we got?

20 inches. Wow. 20 inches. So we're talking nearly... Almost six feet. Almost two feet. Almost a thousand feet, really, in the grand scheme of things. Well, that's it.

That's a very scary thing. That's swoop. I see a pigeon on the streets. I get petrified the thing's going to swoop at me. Yeah, yeah. That's the thing. Think twice as big as a pigeon. And willing to suck your blood.

Fighting the fuck out of it. They got the ugliest faces, too, man. Oh, God. That's just nasty looking. I look like Nosferatu. Like Klaus Kinski flying at you. They got to get that dude who wants to marinate the cats. Go have the vampire bats.

He'll fucking make some mad meals out of that shit. You guys used to bait bats before with throwing up a tennis ball? You guys ever fuck with that? With just throwing up a tennis ball? Yeah, we'd see bats. You'd throw a tennis ball up in the air and it would swoop down and chase it you know with the sonar really funny shit yeah yeah that's amazing I never see that you're so cool yeah we had like bats in this one neighborhood my buddy loved that and we just do it all the

time we'd fucking get super fucking plays yeah yo fucking stone strip nug and and there we just like blaze fucking throw the tennis ball in the air and Yeah, yo. It's a fucking stone strip nug. Yeah. I'm just making up words. Nuggets, man. Nuggets. And then we'd just be like, Blaze, fucking throw the tennis ball in the air, and then shit would go down. That must have been petrifying. Absolutely. I could never do that.

I used to go fishing with my buddy. We used to put bread on a hook and just throw it. Carp. Yeah, throw it on the sidewalk and catch ducks. I don't know if that's fishing. I think that's like streeting. It's ducking. It's ducking.

Who's going to go ducking? What did you do with the ducks then, Eddie? Why don't you just cut the line? You just cut the line and have the duck have that fish hook in their mouths forever? You know, it's got to figure out something. Yeah. That's what it gets for quacking. Yeah.

Really trying to spawn a little evolution in the duck. Give him a thumb. You got to pull that thing out of there. Really trying to spawn a little evolution in the duck. Give him a thumb. You got to pull that thing out of there. Ducks. Related to this week's Pedophile Corner.

Pedophile Corner. Don't touch me. Don't touch me. No, no, no, no. Okay, I like it. I like it. Do more. Do more.

This week's Pedophile Corner brought to you by Walt Disney World. Donald Duck molested me. Whoa! The Duck Man. Big Donald. What happened? King of the Ducks. I'll tell you that. Women are suing Disney for $200K.

And this is kind of, again, a tangential pedophile of the week. She had her tiny daughter with her, and they were waiting for an autograph line, and Donald Duck came up and started squeezing her tits. The little girl? No, the mother. Oh. It's not really pedophile corner, but it relates. It works.

Donald Duck is a child's figure. Yeah, exactly. And the woman was 27. This happened two years ago. Her name was April Magalon. And the lawsuit alleges that caused severe physical injury. Oh, come on. What kind of injury? He probably figured out she had breast cancer. He saved her life.

And it says it was a shock to her entire nervous system that causes her to experience anxiety, headaches, nausea, cold, sweat, insomnia, digestive problems, and other maladies. Yeah, that happens to me every time I have sex. This is normal sexual experiences. I just feel terrible for this poor woman's boyfriend or husband.

Every time they have sex, it's hell on earth. She's whining. You know his name's Donald, too. Oh, yeah. It's Donald the Goose. And the lawyer's saying that Walt Disney's been covering it up. Because this shit's happened more than a few times. Oh, this Donald Duck has been

running around grabbing titties and he's never been fired? Is that what you're trying to tell me? They fucking arrest kids for stealing pencils and you can't stop the groping Donald Duck? That's just his new name. It's like the new Catholic Church. Who doesn't love titties?

That's what Disney is trying to say. Donald Duck loved titties. We all love titties. I'm surprised. She must have huge hoots if you could feel them through his big Donald Duck hands. That's the thing. The woman walked up to the guy in the Donald Duck costume asking for an autograph for her daughter. I'm going to sign your titties.

to him asking for an autograph for her daughter. I'm gonna sign your titties! Maybe that's where Dave Navarro works now, after fucking being done with the peps. That's amazing. I love that so much. I love the picture they have. It's just Donald Duck with his hands in the air all smiling and shit. Can't not smile.

I would love to see the face of the mascots as they walk around. If I just, like, view the actual face of, like, their smiling-ass clown fucking masks, then their faces are just miserable. They're probably smoking a cigarette with a little cocaine underneath their nose or something. Mascots are terrible, terrible people. Oh, yeah. Now, I've got this book.

It's a compilation of Tijuana Bibles. You guys know those? They're these old porno comics from, like, the 30s, 40s. Just like the Bible. Tijuana Bibles. Yeah, Tijuana Bibles. You guys know those? They're these old porno comics from like the 30s, 40s. Just like the Bible. Tijuana Bibles. Yeah, Tijuana Bibles. They're pornographic comics starring comic book characters, movie stars of the day, and Disney characters. Which one of them was Donald Duck fucking Minnie Mouse.

Oh. My favorite line. Snap that asshole, Minnie. I'm going to lay a duck egg in you. Snap that asshole. Snap the asshole? How do you even snap an asshole? It was translated in Spanish.

That's absolutely phenomenal. Is he still working there? Of course he's still working there He got a raise Maybe he was just trying to quit In a badass way Like that dude for JetBlue Just fucking slamming the brew Opening up the

The fucking flotation device And getting out Maybe he just wanted to grab a titty And run out the doors Tell everybody to fuck off I'm not buying it The whole JetBlue thing What do you mean you're not buying it?

I'm not buying it You don't like this guy? What's the name of this asshole? Frank Steve Slater Yeah it is Yeah it's Slater Something like that I don't know you're not buying it? I'm not buying it. You don't like this guy? What's the name of this asshole? Frank. Frank. Steve Slater. Yeah, it is.

Yeah, it's Slater. I don't know if I'm buying it. The story's just a little bit too good to be true. You think so? People were there, man. Yeah, people witnessed this stuff. People were there? There were witnesses on both sides.

I mean, we all know the story. Somebody told him to fuck off. So he grabbed the intercom. It was like, whoever told me to fuck off, you're a fucking asshole. Good 25 years. Peace out. Grabbed a brew, which is my favorite part. He's a recovering alcoholic. No longer in recovery.

That shit's done. Officially out of recovery. That flotation device slide down, that must have been the most amazing 4.5 seconds of that dude's life. Absolutely. Just felt like a complete and utter god. I'd have been going crazy if I was on that plane. What song do you think was playing in his head?

The whole album of Appetite Destruction. That or Freebird. Can't decide. The thing is, the more you hear about that dude, the more it makes sense, man. This dude's whole life was fucked up. He's a homosexual.

He has AIDS? He has AIDS. His mom is dying He has AIDS? He has AIDS. Oh, all right. Damn. His mom is dying. Of AIDS? Of, no, not of AIDS. No.

Of something. She's died of something. She has like two weeks to live. Damn. And his dad recently died or something like that. Someone else recently died. And his boyfriend and him are in a bit of a spat, I've heard, as well. That's true.

A little rough spot. Yeah. He's the next wife as well. She was actually. A little rough spot. Yeah. He's an ex-wife as well. She was actually very attractive. Did he spat on her? His ex-girlfriend? Or ex-wife? His boyfriend.

Oh, I don't know what they did. I mean, I don't know what they fight about. I have no idea. Dicks. Just dick size. Just things dick related. That's what I fought about my last girlfriend with. Yeah.

Too big. Too big, she says. Too large for it. It was an eight-year-old, so that makes sense. Yeah. Too big. Too big, she says. Too large for it. It was an eight-year-old, so that makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She had a normal dick. Newsman, looks like you got

something over there. Friday the 13th style. Horrific. Oh, I've got some Friday the 13th shit. This girl, like 15, jumped off of a building and immediately,

like five people surrounded her and started taking pictures of the body. Really? Yeah. Oh, wow. Were they Japanese?

Oh, wow. British. Really? This happened in England? Yep. Those fucking limey jerks. I mean, why do you want that picture? But I mean, it's not like they could have saved her.

You know, it's not like they didn't. I don't know. She was totally dead. I wouldn't take a picture. I mean, that would be the last thought in my mind. 15 15 year old dead girl yeah i wouldn't need that on my phone i got a picture of a cute dog yankee stadium and the and the miami dolphins yeah my phone you know it's just it might make for a great tweet though a good tweet picture which you have to check out this picture of this dead girl i'm the one of the five people on the planet that have it.

They're probably just assholes who like to ruin people's day. Call, hey, man, you want to see this cool picture of some hot chick? Yeah. It's like a dead girl. That's bad. That's very, very possible. There's more and more reasons to dislike England, man. Yeah. It's the worst country.

And these camera phones. I hate the fucking camera phones. I hate them so much. I was at a party and somebody pulled out a flip camera recently i just immediately shut up and just sat there but it's like private time it's private time we don't i don't need this recorded i you know i look like a total asshole right now i know i do so please don't fucking put this on the internet and everyone puts it online i don't want to be reminded of how much of an asshole i am absolutely not whenever i'm at a party and someone like pulls out a camera starts taking pictures or starts like videotaping

I'm just like wait you're ruining my time. Yeah. You're ruining I was having a good time and now I feel like I'm being judged.

People think I love to take pictures and record everything. You're a documentary. I love it. I love it. I just love the things that people say.

I post it on my blog. Bullshit that people say and pictures of them. Fucking idiot. And it's so great. You got to check it out. I just don't think like these fucking like. All right. There's a lot of girls who are great photographers do some great artwork.

But like the girl ass girls just like regular girls ain't about shit. Who don't do nothing, who have cameras. I've literally seen girls post up pictures, videos on Facebook, and I'm taking out the garbage. Just them with their, oh, we're going to go to the dump right now. And there's nothing, there's no point in the video. They post it on Facebook and tag people in it. It's the worst part of technology, man. I say it all the time

and I'll keep saying it until it stops, which is when I just say these hoes today every time I see shit like this. It's unbelievable, man. I mean... I wish we could go back to simpler times. They got no class. I know, 1993. That's because you can't hit them anymore.

Well, Eddie, that's not appropriate. That is inappropriate no you can you can though well you physically you can but this is not it's illegal you just have to like not tell them they're pretty you know stuff like that when they're really dolled up you know things of that nature you could still call a girl fat oh you can yeah they get very upset although in this day and age it's it's better to be fat you know i? I don't think so. Well, I think for a lot of ladies, I'll tell you one thing, those Wisconsin broads, rap music certainly got into their brains and they really thought they could all grow fat asses and fat titties, but they just got fat guts. That's all they ended up getting. It never went to the

right spot. And it's a really, really sad thing. Nothing's worse than a big girl with no tits. Just a real egg woman. Just tough to wear titties. Yeah, yeah. Sad ass. God help her. Oh, God. Sure enough, you're out there. I'm sorry, baby.

Wow. I remember this one time I was at a barbershop in Tallahassee. This girl walks in. It was just like that. Like, big, just round ass, Dr. Robotnik body. Just disgusting. That's right. Yeah, frog butt.

Grown fireballs and Frog butt All that shit Yeah just looking awful And I was just sitting there Getting my hair cut Not worried about it But the guy who was Cutting my hair Just loud as shit

As soon as he walks She walks in the door She can hear him He just goes Ugh That's nice Yeah I was like well alright

That was deserved You know That was a That was a wake upup call for that bitch. You gotta get titties, ladies. If you're fat, your titties cannot be smaller than your gut. Fix those titties. Get fakies.

Do whatever you gotta do. If you wanna stay fat, you gotta get big ol' fake titties. That'd be weird, man. A big fat girl with big fake tits? I've never seen that. Wendy Williams. Although she's not very fat. She's got huge-ass titties.

All fake. She was a small eight-cup before. Really? She has like four pounds of silicone inside of her body. At least. More than that. Yeah, they're huge. Those things are ridiculous.

Yeah. She's got a great husband. He paid for them. Oh, did he? Absolute sweetheart. He bought her two basketballs. Yeah, exactly what they are. All right, so we got something here from Holden.

What do you got, Holden? It's a little segment I like to call Interview with Ben Kissel and Kevin Barnett. This is when we put the echo on. In the year 2020! Kevin, Ben, it's great to have you here. It's great to be here, yeah, absolutely.

My floating van. Now, Kevin, you've had Incredible success I mean you're about to shoot your Second HBO special Live from the motherfucking moon How does it feel To have so many people

Coming up to you saying Shit bitch use a whore You know all your great taglines, living on these streets, all that stuff. What does it feel to have such great success? It's tough, man, because it's like, really, I belong on the streets, man.

That's where my heart is, that's where my home is. That's where I'm supposed to be and where I should be at. But the thing is, right now, I can't be on the streets, man. It's too hot. The heat keeps you off the streets I mean, now we've had to call lockdown in the afternoons Because it's just too hot I've been conditioned, man

I got fine-ass Puerto Rican bitches Fanning me all day Feeding me grapes and exotic cheeses That's beautiful You know, good rice from like China and shit Oh, Chinese rice, that's not bad And you know, it's like I can't just be walking around outside without them, you know, on my, like, usually if I'm going to ride around outside, I'm going to do it on my air-conditioned air skateboard. Yeah, of course.

Yes, of course. I think right now it's like I can't just be walking around outside on the streets. You know, with Biff and the boys. Yeah, yeah. It moves too quick to really experience the streets. That's the only tough thing. Ben, you've been called the serpent of the subways. Yeah, I live down there.

Live, eat, sleep. Yes. Everything on the subways. Hey, you pay rent, motherfucker, you weak. Yeah, I figured it out. People are calling this a publicity stunt. Is it a publicity stunt or is it because you just have no money and are homeless? Well, you know, I'll tell

you, any press is good. Right now I'll tell you one thing, I'm performing for hundreds of people a day. I've never been happier as far as career-wise. I know how to perform during rickety subway rides,

which I don't think a lot of comedians learn. You certainly don't learn that on the moon with a lot of buoyancy. Well, we didn't go to the moon, so it's fine. Well, Jackie, this is a segment that you weren't a part of. I thought it was at nine! I thought it was at nine! This is the year 2020!

And I've said it before, I'll say it again. These hoes today. These hoes today. God damn it. No, but I think I it before, I'll say it again, these hoes today. These hoes today. God damn it. No, but I think I'm actually, I'm currently, you know, I'm learning how to play music publicly, and I feel like everyone is really enjoying my process

in learning how to saxophone on the subway, and I've made upwards of, I think I made at least $18 last month. Well, more power to you, buddy. Thank you! Want some more power! Now, Kevin, Murderfist died in a freak accident, a freak tank accident, five years ago.

It was real tough, man. A tank driven by a crazed two-year-old accidentally fired on the titty club that Murderfist had just opened. That would be... Murder tits. Titty fucks, big-titted tit shack. Oh, that was good. Do you have any words to say to the families of the members of Murder Fist?

Do you have anything to say to them? I mean, you know, my heart goes out to you. You know what I'm saying? I couldn't feel the way that y'all felt. I couldn't care as much because them niggas was whack, honestly, at the end of the day. I mean, I was out here blowing up like i do like i'm supposed to and i really wanted to lend a hand and helping the hand to them and and kissel but i just can't be helping out people who's whack like that yeah people are just hanging

on your your uh they tried to hang out to the coattails but they couldn't fuck with me you know so it's just uh you know it's just a thing where, alright, I'm sorry and it sucks, but it was a great titty spot. It was great. I was never allowed to go in, but it was great. Everybody sounded like they were having fun. It's always hard to lose a good titty club.

Well, you're dead. At least I'm still alive. It's always hard to lose a good titty club. So yeah, at least I'm still alive The ghost of the Always hard To lose a good titty club So Ben Was that my brain? Ben Was that my brain?

What's that? Three years ago Yeah, man Good times You're about to get your big break Yes You're about to headline at the new floating Apollo Oh yeah

Right when you're about to go on You've got industry there You've got people People are ready Pretty much just ready to sign the dotted line for you to get a job. They're amped, man. Yeah. And the place immediately burnt down. Yes.

Yes. After all is said and done, and you're now homeless and upset all the time. I'm not homeless. I'm home more. That's a little joke I like to tell. The whole city is my house, I like to say it. 15-year-old joke. Okay. But nonetheless, it's still-year-old Joe. Okay.

But nonetheless, it's still working, I tell you. He's getting me some laughs there. What do you have to say to God? Oh, I haven't spoken to him in quite some time. And frankly, I don't think he knows I exist because he hasn't done anything for me. But I'll tell you, the G train's been good. I'll tell you, I had a set the other night. The God train.

Yeah, the God Train. Yeah, it has been solid because I was screaming over a mariachi band. I just called them my backup band. And I did a little thing called the Today Show, even though it was at night, and it's fucking funny. And, you know, so there was a fella who gave me a quarter, and then a couple of you said, You suck! Fuck you! And I was like, I'm fucking doing a reaction, man.

Yeah, that's great. I'm getting a reaction from people. And that's what you want. So I think I'm really inside the brains of people right now. And hey, fuck it, man. You know? Comedy. Doing comedy.

You sound right on the level, buddy. Yeah. Now, Kevin, did you rape and murder that poor girl? Come on, man. Really? You're going to bring that to me right now? Is that what you're going to ask me? No.

All right. What could possibly tell you that I did that? Besides the, okay, they might have pictures. I was there. But you know that the Clone Wars ended about two years ago. I know now. She's opening for me. Nobody was out there trying to clone me. Absolutely.

Yes, completely. That wasn't me. The guy who did it, my clone, may have had the same mentality as me. Yes, I would have done it. But I wasn't there, completely. That wasn't me. The guy who did it, my clone, may have had the same mentality as me. Yes, I would have done it, but I wasn't there, man. Location, location, location. Now, Ben, did you rape and murder that young boy? Come on now. Can you rape and murder a young boy who wants to be fucked?

And killed? He didn't want to be killed. That's where I feel a little bit sad. But what can you do? And I'll tell you what, I made that boy a star. I did it right there on the G-Trip. It's like that movie Zoo. All right.

Last round. Kevin. Yes. How many bitches, how many whores in 2010? In 2010? Well, I'll tell you something right now about 2010. It's kind of a retro question. Yeah, it's retro.

I mean, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. In 2020. Because in 2010, it was three. Ooh. Ooh. Ouch. Well, all right.

I'll tell you right now, man, about 2020. The thing is, I've ascended, okay? Mm-hmm. No longer worried about whores. No longer worried about bitches playing my Xbox 6. Hmm. Things are going real good for me, man. I've been achieving.

That's the reason why I'm at where I'm at right now. You pho, you honed in. I got an Xbox 6. Anyone want to buy an Xbox 6? I got one. I got one. Well, now, I mean, now with the Xbox 6s. This is a man who's homeless.

I got one. No, I got a great Xbox 6. I got a great Xbox 6. He has literally nothing. $10. $10 Xbox 6. $10. Anyone want it?

No one? No one? No one? Ben Kissel, so, you know, you've lost everything. Hey, have I lost everything or have I gained an entire fucking subway system? I mean, most would say no. Yes. Some would say yes.

Some would say yes. So, what is next for ben kissel okay hey man i'll go to brooklyn i'll go to the bronx i'll go to the queens i fucking i did a show on the staten island ferry the other day what do you mean what's next what is what is next? What was before? Glory days. And what is now? More. More glory days. That's beautiful. Yeah. So, Kevin, do you need an opener ever?

I can open. No, no, no. No, you don't need one. I'm telling you, I do a lot of browner shows there in Brooklyn. I just kind of scream at them and I say racist stuff. But I tell you, they really get a joy out of it. They laugh. And this concludes interview with Kevin and Ben in the year 2020.

We're putting echo effects in there. Echo effects in there. Echo effects. You can see me in the ACE line, September 17th, 9 p.m. to 10 p.m. Oh, man. Not bad. That's a good segment, Holden. Yeah, is Zabrowski's mic even on?

Jackie's here. Yeah, it's on. It's on. How much time do we have left to berate her? Maybe three minutes. Three minutes, Jackie. What the fuck happened? You suck, bitch.

You suck. I'm sorry. The podcast was in shambles without you. I'm sorry. I thought it was at nine. She had, like, super important shit to do. She's been working on a script. You know, she had to go and do a reading, I think, right? I was making out with the guy. Yeah. And I thought it was at nine. Oh had, she had like, super important shit to do. She's been working on a script. You know, she had to go and do a reading,

I think, right? I was making out with the guy. Yeah. And I thought it was at nine. I thought it was at nine. Wow, it sounds like everything you said except for making out with the guy

is a lie. No, no, no, no. We could have all been out there making out with dudes right now. I don't got fucking, I'll just show up at nine and tell my boss. We could have been out there

fucking dudes, right? I wanted to suck a dick. I wanted to have jizz all over me by fucking eight. Did you bang him at least? No, I left because I thought the podcast up at 9 and tell my boss. We could have been out there with fucking dudes, right? I wanted to have jizz all over me by fucking 8. Did you bang him at least? No, I left because I thought the podcast was at 9. You might as well have banged him because you were an hour late. I'm sorry. How long have you been hanging out with somebody without banging them?

A long time. Hey, can you make a couple rape jokes and I could just edit them in? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I got raped. Oh, yeah? That's the first one. Okay. And then the second one is, it hurt so bad when I got raped.

And then the third one is going to be, ow, ow, ow, ow. That's the current. That's during. That's during. That's what we like to call in the business an act out. Yeah, yeah. We just got to plant a tape recorder on Jackie. I'm very sorry to the podcast.

I really did think it was at 9. It is all my fault. I'm very, very sorry. That's going to be your punishment. We're going to plan a tape recorder on you, and you got to go out and get raped. Okay. Well, that'd be very, very funny. We just got to go out and get groceries?

Just go out and do groceries? Do the laundry? It's the same thing to me. All right. I feel like we're going to wrap up this episode of the Roundtable of Gentlemen. Jackie Zabrowski, thank you so much. You were so funny tonight. You're a fuck. You're all a fuck.

You're all a fuck. Hope you're happy. What was the name of the guy you made out with all night? James. Oh. Very original. Very original. Yeah. Does he have long, shaggy hair? No. Does made out with all night? James. Oh. Very original. Very original. Yeah.

Does he have long, shaggy hair? No. Does he work at Legion Bar? No. Okay. We got Eddie Larson. Any last words, dudes? Anything?

I miss my parents. Miss your parents? Anything? Nothing? I feel bad for that cat. I hope that cat has a good life. That cat's fine. That cat's life has never been better.

Best thing that ever happened to that fucking cat was the fact that it got marinated. Probably just ate those great peppers too at a great night. I wish I was an Indian woman. I'd put curry on my pussy. Jerky bread. Have a mustached man lick it off. There we go. That's fantastic.

And Barnett, anything you want to... Man, you know I never got nothing to say., anything you want to say? You know I never got nothing to say. You never got anything to say? All right, ladies and gentlemen, it's been Ed Larson,

Marcus Parsons, and Holden McNeely, Kevin Barnett, I've been Ben Kissel, and as always, the very slutty Jackie Zabrowski. Have a good night,

have a good commute, have a good day, whenever the fuck you listen to this. Bye-yot, bye-yot.