The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 110: Three Quarters and a Human Knuckle

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

This week on Round Table: a man is arrested for masturbating with his front door wide open, a woman has her tampon forcibly removed by police officers, and 2/3rds of the Round Table gets raped at a gas station, plus today we're joined by Micah Sherman, Reid Faylor, and Jesse Fernandez!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. It was genius. Anyway, what a stinky idiot to say. Here's what he says. Hello, everybody. I am happy to be talking to all of you without actually

having to hear the sheer horror of your voices. That's nice. Funny ad. I wanted to tell you fatherless monkey people about a town called L.A. Los Angeles. L.A. Ah, Los Angeles. L.A. is a land where Mexicans grow like white people. There is more weed than chocolate chip cookies and shit tons of fat breasts.

Well, all right. Kevin could really do some slapping out here. I'm sure he would love to. Now, I'm not being racist. I don't assume Kevin beats women because he is black. Kevin beats women because he is a closeted homosexual. Well, everyone knows that. That's a fact.

He's not even here to defend himself. I know. It's really sad. I wish you would come back to the show. Jackie would never make it out here. No. She needs public transportation for the safety of herself and any children playing with dogs in the street. That isn't a sexist comment either.

I'm not saying that women can't drive. I'm just saying that Jackie drinks so much... How much does she drink? I'm just saying that Jackie drinks so much, she has a breathalyzer on her MetroCard. Oh, I like it. Boo! Comedy star.

Boo! I hear you, decent shit. That's not what I like. We can't even fucking yell at you. Fuck you, Ed. Ben would be yell at you. Fuck you, Ed. Ben would be okay out here. Thank you, Ed. He'd have a hard time making friends.

Yeah, I have a hard time making friends everywhere. But if he cared about not having friends, he would have killed himself when he was seven. Or any other day after that. Well, he obviously isn't in tune with the emotional weekend we've all had. Thank you, Ed. That's just what I need right now. Holden is made for life

out here. Not because he would have a career, but because we were so close to the desert and he could finally be reunited with his lizard family. How lizard family is he? About that much. At first,

I wasn't convinced that Holden was a reptile, but I asked him if I could use his bathroom, and his toilet was just chock full of eggs. Oh, man. I hope he didn't take any of them. Those look like eggs in there. Does anybody want some eggs? I'm selling bizarre eggs. I would

take an egg. They came out of my belly button. That's fine. It's gross. How big are your eggs? I have them like the size of a giant man's fist. But like Pete and the Giant. Michael Clark Duncan. That's nice.

Marcus would thrive in Los Angeles. It is a town built around fucking horrible women. And being frail and dirty is very popular in most circles. I am very dirty. Yeah, you're filthy. How dirty is he?

But the circles out here are squares. And squares are two bowls of donkey soup. I am learning every day. Oh yeah. He's a retard. He is. I don't know what that means. He is learning every day. He just had that thought and then he wrote it down. I am learning every day.

Okay, you fucking dumb shit. Oh yeah, Marcus, buddy, stay strong and good luck with the bone marrow transplant. AIDS is a serious disease and needs to be treated that way. Why did he bring AIDS into it? He thinks I have AIDS. Finally. You're pale and frail.

Yeah, I'm not that pale. And you smell like a snail. I liked it. He smelled like a snail. I'm strong. I'm not that pale. And you smell like a snail? I'm very pale. I liked it. Nice. And you smell like a snail? Yeah. I'm strong. I'm just wiry, goddammit.

If someone wants my yellowish brown eggs, I will sell them to you for a nickel and a human knuckle. A nickel and a knuckle? Where do you get a nickel and a knuckle these days? I don't know. Persia? Oh, okay. Yeah. Finally, I would like to say... I don't know. Because I was sweeping, okay. Yeah. Finally, I would like to say...

Persia? I don't know. Because they're always sweeping it under the rug. Am I right? Am I right? Yeah. Finally, I'd like to say, Jackie, keep that big, beautiful dick of yours as clean as Molly Nuffles' bedsheets.

That's because she never has sex. I don't know why you think about Molly. Molly's not even here. That's fine. You made it fun of two people that aren't here. So I will say, Molly, I know for a fact, she does some crazy fucking so that joke does not even make any sense. And also, my dick is really clean because

the mouth cleans right off. Right? Yeah, exactly. Isn't that how you guys clean your dicks? Yeah, I just have Holden clean my dick. Eddie sent me this once and then the next day he sent me an email saying, man, I was really drunk when I wrote that. Let me fix it. And then he literally sent me the exact same thing.

He got drunk again. So what was he on? Yeah, what was he on when he re-sent it? I'm going to go with Adderall and sleeping pills. Yeah, exactly. He's always breaking even. I think he actually re-wrote it, though. Yeah, he did.

He literally rewrote it. Well, that's why he was learning every day. Yeah. He just rewrote from memory. Not even from memory. He just made it again. That's great. And tag it with a prayer.

Amen or something. Amen. Amen. Okay. We start every show off with a prayer. It was a diatribe, of course. I guess it was supposed to be a prayer. Anyway, so we got Jackie Zebrowski. Yeah, I got AIDS, too. It doesn't matter. You look a diatribe, of course. I guess it was supposed to be a prayer. Anyway, so we got Jackie Zabrowski.

Yeah, I got AIDS, too. It doesn't matter. You look great holding me, Nealey. I am holding it. I am full of emotions. Our house has been wild this weekend. I'm going through a breakup, and I'm sad. Ben is going through a difficult hour.

No, I'm good. I'm good. It was just a bad for you. Yeah, but you've been a lot of fun, though. Not really, but anyway, we'll talk about it later. He's been in his bedroom the entire weekend. I've I'm good. I'm good. It was just a bad for you. Yeah, but you've been a lot of fun, though. Not really, but anyway, we'll talk about it later. He's been in his bedroom the entire weekend. I've barely seen him. I saw him. I saw him this weekend. I'm out

and about when I'm not jacking off. Very lonely. I came sad. He did cry. Yeah, I was crying. Yeah, he cried through most of it. I cried to Landslide. As soon as I heard that Fleetwood Mac, I was crying. Landslide days you. No, stop it, Holden. As soon as I hear that Fleetwood Mac, I always cry. Landslide days you. No, stop it, Holden.

Now see my reflection in all the hills. Read failure here. Failure here. Failure. Failure. You're a failure. I'm a failure. I'm a failure.

Stevie Nicks is not a failure. Thank you, Stevie. No wonder she loved you. Read failure. Thank you, Virginia. Thank you. Am I not saying it right? My tongue's not working.

Failure. Read failure. Read failure. Yes. loved you. Read Failure. Thank you, Virginia. Thank you. Am I not saying it right? My tongue's not working. Failure. Read Failure. Read Failure. Yes. Is that right? Failure. Yeah. No, it's not Failure.

Read Failure. That's a rough comic name. It's a good comic name. No, no. Failure would be. Failure is fine. Oh, yeah. No.

It didn't make the first week I was here difficult at all. Those are ridiculous. And if you become an evil villain, you can go by Felor. No. I am Felor. Now look at my eyeballs made of flames. You should cut my microphone off. I like your eyes.

Alright, we'll see you on Micah Sherman. Thanks for being here, Micah. Beep, boop, boop, beep, beep, boop, boop, boop. Yeah! He's all pepped out. How long will the human race last? Beep boop boop beep boop beep So smart

Until Tuesday Conservative prediction And then we got Jesse Fernandez From San Francisco A great stand up Thanks for being here buddy Oh yeah no problem This is the last you'll hear from me.

No, no. He's literally cowering in the seat next to me. He's terrified. Jackie, stop intimidating him. Stop gnawing on his hands. I just like little bites. I just like little bites. Stop.

Leave him alone. He's a San Francisco boy. He's sensitive. He's a little nibbler. All right, Marcus, give us some... Call me Lil Nibbler on the street. Lil Nibbler. Yeah, that's your hip-hop name. Lil Nibbler. Don't talk Marcus, give us some... Call me Lil Nibbler on the street. Lil Nibbler. Yeah, that's your hip-hop name.

Lil Nibbler. Don't talk to me about hip-hop, Holden. All right, cut you out of every hip-hop fight. For the record, Holden McNally kicked Jackie's brass guy out of his hip-hop group because that was Girlfriend's Not Part of It. Kick the knees out. Yeah, Girlfriend's Not Part of It.

She came in and sat down while we had a session. She's on the track a little bit. I was drinking alone at the bar. I've been drinking alone in my room. I think it's time for a non-rhyming rap battle. Here we go. I wasn't invited. I was drinking alone at the bar. I've been drinking alone in my room. I think it's time for a non-rhyming rap battle. Here we go. No rhymes allowed.

And it has to be about pizza. I like my shoes. I'm very happy to be here. Fuck you. I like pizza more than you do. I love pizza. Don't you talk to me. All right. Marcus with a new story.

I got a new story. I don't think Jackie did have one rhyme, so hold on. I had no rhyme. I like pizza more than you do. You do, I think. That is not a rhyme. I think Teddy's got a rhyme. You are doing some rhymes.

Yeah, it does. Jesse. Jesse, you keep cowering. Get off of him. Don't eat him. Yeah, yes, they do. You do thank him. Impartial third party. Thank you, Jesse.

I love that nobody waited to hear what he was saying. A domestic dispute. It was a fight. It was an argument. It was a serious throwdown. We're not messing around here. Alright, Marcus, give us a nice story. The Santa Rosa County Sheriff's Office is holding a paceman after witnesses saw him masturbating in public on two separate occasions.

51-year-old David Hare, and that is Hare as in H-A-I-R, a 5'5", 3'6", windrun place. Tell me he's bald. No. Was being held on $3,000 bond. The sheriff's office said in a press release, Hare was spotted July 30th at his home, sitting inside the open front door,

naked and masturbating. How is that illegal? He's inside of his own house. He was masturbating at somebody. Was he or not? He was masturbating. An aggressive masturbating. It is not the first time that he's done

that the deputy filed for a warrant. Meanwhile, Hare was spotted on August 7th at his house standing in front of a window. Again, he was nude and masturbating. The caller said they had seen him doing that quote for the past few days. Well, it's a long

masturbation session. And Hare told the police he has a problem and likes to masturbate while watching outside. So he loves trees. Two unrelated statements. I don't think this is that bad. You don't have to look into his house. Why are you invading

this guy's privacy? It's not like he's on the four train jacking off, whipping out his big dick. I think there's a difference if you are masturbating and passers-by pass by, and if you masturbate and then you follow the passer-by with the vector of your penis. Did anybody get hit with his cum?

He was, I mean, I don't think he has a trajectory from his door over his front yard onto the sidewalk. What about pets or like squirrels? He could. I mean, that might be what turns him on. Coming on a nut. He nuts on a nut. A little squirrel comes up. Oh, what's that? It's a fun treat. This story just makes me sad because he has

a yard. Yeah, yeah. He's been dreaming about masturbating in his yard. There's a yard between him and his victims. That's amazing. I wish I had that. He's not rubbing up against them on the train. I think it's fine. Yeah, everybody here has seen someone masturbate on the train, correct? Yeah, but usually you're trying... It's hard to see yourself.

I know. I had sex with my girlfriend years ago, and her neighbor was watching us have sex and was masturbating. Did she like it? Did you like it? No, it was uncomfortable because we stopped. We finished our

coital engagement. That's when you awkwardly pin her down. And slowly unplease her. While she cries. So, we're laying there in the glow. In the glow? Oh, it's disgusting.

Oh, fuck you. It's fine. He's going through a breakup, Michael. It doesn't matter what I'm going through. I'm sorry. So we're laying there and just happy as clams because we just had sex with someone that we love. Are you still with this woman? No.

No. You didn't fuck her good enough, did you, buddy? I fucked her fine. I fucked her fine. I fucked her fine enough to have a guy masturbate in the next house. Oh, anyone can fucking do that. Anyone, really?

Kissel does that every time Holden has sex in his room. Holden! Holden! Holden! Holden! That's an inside thing. You were fucking a guy or a girl. I apologize. When did you turn into the radio host?

By the way, I'm sitting in Kevin's seat, but I'm not Kevin. Fuck you, Brian. Just for the record, I hate Dick! I hate Dick! Oh my God, that's not what Kevin sounds like. Was that a good catch? I don't know, that was pretty similar to Kevin. It's fine.

Maybe the voice was wrong, but the intent was there. Yeah. Yeah, denying the fact you're homosexual, yeah. It was actually there. But you were banging a gal, and a guy could see you. Why wasn't that illegal? And that's what I'm asking. That's what that illegal? And that's what I'm asking. That's what I'm saying.

That's what I'm asking. Why isn't it illegal for him? Why isn't it illegal for anybody? If you were to call the cops... No, I called Dan Savage. Yeah, that's the problem. That's your fucking problem. And he blamed it on me.

The answer is that what both of you did was illegal. No, it's not illegal to fuck with your windows open. It's indecent exposure. But you're inside. You're not exposed not illegal to fuck with your windows open. It's indecent exposure. But you're inside, you're not exposed. You can't have the windows open because what are the kids looking from across the street?

Don't look at my house! That's the law! I think it's a big thing to be like, hey, no one look at my house. I think it's a lofty claim. I think you're not supposed to look in people's windows You do but it's illegal Peeping Tom is illegal

So you fucking with your windows open Is totally allowed If this guy is jacking off He's the one doing the criminal act But then we stopped and watched him jack off Now you're doing the illegal thing So was there any eye contact? Oh yeah

I love how you said that like the fucking macho man Oh yeah A lot of eye contact He pulled his penis off and goes Snap into his limb What position do you find That he was enjoying the most? When you were on top or was there a situation

We didn't see him when we were having sex. We stopped. We're like, ah. And she goes, is that guy... Is that guy... Is that guy looking at us? Were you drinking a wine spritzer? I feel like I just listened to a Sierra Mist commercial.

Yeah. So you stopped until you realized he was jacking off to you. No, no, no. If you had realized... I came all over her. And we're laying there. Kissel's getting hard. I'm not getting hard. I'm not that lonely.

I haven't been... It doesn't matter. So let me ask you this, though. So you didn't notice that he was masturbating at your sex until afterwards. Then we're sitting there. If you would have seen him masturbating just you, but not your girlfriend, would you

have kept going? Yeah. I would have stopped, closed the blinds, and then kept going. Okay. But... No, you keep them open. Isn't that why you keep the blinds open in the first place? I don't know. We just didn't. We just... We just got to it. You were zipping and zapping and you started fucking. We zipped and zapped and then

fucked. I think that's great. I mean, Reed, would you stop? Do you do an improv warm-up before every time you have sex? Zip, zap, zip, zap, zip, zap. Beep, boop, boop, beep, beep, boop, boop. Yay! Reed, if you found somebody jacking off to you, banging your hot ass broad, would you stop or would you keep on thrusting?

Uh, well, I... Your hottest broad. Don't think about your hottest broad. The hottest one you've ever had. The hottest one? Yeah. I'd be proud in some ways. Yeah, you'd give the guy a thumbs up.

It's like a trophy, yeah. I'm good enough that another person's enjoying it. Has anybody ever been with a voyeur chick? Don't ever say that. That's a terrible thing to say. What are you saying? I mean, if someone was masturbating to me, they didn't stop masturbating. They were like, oh, form is terrible, and then quit.

I was like, this is good enough for me. Exactly. This is good enough for me. I don't know. I mean, I've masturbated to some pretty horrible things. Oh, like what? Yeah. A dog gang shot.

I don't even have to touch myself to come to that. It just happens on command. I just came in my pants a little bit. It's weird. I don't know what it was. I think it was when the dog got shot. But Holden, you make a good point. What if the chick was super into it?

I've been with a voyeur chick once. And we would sit in front of windows and stuff. Really? In my apartment. Yeah, yeah. And just like on the off chance. It was more about the idea that people could see. Yeah.

We weren't necessarily trying to get people to see. But it was like, ooh, let's like fuck on this balcony. I mean, but no one was looking at you jacking off, which is kind of sad and offensive. Yeah, yeah, definitely of sad and offensive. Yeah, yeah, definitely. I was offended. Is that where you're living now? No, this was back in college.

Oh, okay. Yeah, man. She was dirty and she wanted it. Oh, did you? Yeah. A bunch of times. A lot of balcony fucking. Up against that tree so that you could see it right by the pizza place. I was actually downstairs.

I was actually downstairs up against my neighbor's back door. The audience for this podcast is so specific. We've all been on this balcony. They know all about it. I'm concerned about this tree on the balcony. The tree went up through the balcony. It was like a wooden balcony. And we built a tree house ladder on it so you could climb up onto the roof and be like,

We're in cottage. His place was the hangout in college. It was called House of Chaos. Oh, motherfucker. No, it was always called, it was like eternally called House of Chaos. I didn't call it. That was my fucking thing that I called it.

We had a 20 kegger at that apartment. Well, look at that. And look at how cool we are now, guys. I know. Don't cry, Jackie. Don't cry. My life is over. No, it's just beginning.

What happened to you? I got to go back to college. Why is everyone broke? I can't pee in my 20s anymore. I'm done. I can't pee either. I can't pee almost to my 30s. It's almost my birthday.

I'm hitting a quarter century, man. I'm freaking out. It's so hard. I'm 30 in January. I'm doing great. You're doing good? We're almost twins. We're almost twins. I'm good too. So this guy got three months. He was $3,000.

Never mind. He was on $3,000 bond. So he's out now. He gets busted jacking off again. He could go to jail for quite a long time. He was on $3,000 bond. So he's out now. Yeah, he's out. He gets busted jacking off again. I mean, he could go to jail for quite a long time. Well, I mean, I don't really know what the statute is. I actually don't even know what state this is in.

I think it's Oregon or California. Oh, where is that? Where is the Emerald Coast? Oh, I don't know. Jesse, do you know? Yeah, is it Ireland? That's not here. Jesse, you're from San Francisco.

There's a lot of bizarre sexual activity going on over there. I mean, here in New York I watch Forrest Gump. Forrest Gump. Here we get public masturbators. There was a fellow

who works at the Heartland Brewery, a wonderful bar in Union Square. Oh, yeah. He was busted for jacking off looking at porn on his phone behind cars in Park Slope. So, there are things that happen.

Is there a bizarre story that you can think about in San Francisco that requires common love? I was driving around in the Tenderloin. What's the Tenderloin?

Yeah, I got one of those. It's a really shitty neighborhood. Just say you were having some butt sex. Yeah. I was driving through the Tenderloin. Oh, sex. I was driving through the town. Cracking heroin. Oh, okay. Yeah. I was at a stoplight and across the street

a couple was having sex. Was it a hot couple? No. No, it wasn't. What's the weight on this couple? Total? $250 to $300? $250 to $300? So it wasn't their bodies.

They were gross. He was $275. They were toothless. She was a ghost. The lady was about $220 of that. Okay, so the little chick was about $220. The dude was about $150. My math is bad.

So say me and Holden. And me. Addicting you on top on a skateboard. So say me and Holden. And me. I was at the stoplight, kitty corner. The lady was bent over and the guy was going at it. No, I can't say enough that this was not hot.

How would you describe the man's ass? Elbow-like. The thing he's leaving out is the woman was white and the man was black. Tell me that's what you hate. Tell me that's what you didn't like about it. Latino. Both. It's fine.

I'm totally cool with it. They finished before the green light. Before you could finish. Right. They finished. The lady turned around, pulled up her pants, and high-fived the guy. Yes. And then green light, and I drove away.

That's the nicest thing that's ever happened to you. I can't say I've never done that before. No, high-five. I don't think I've gotten enough high-fives after sex. Yeah, I've never gotten one. I'd love more high-fives than I've never done that before. No, high five. I don't think I've gotten enough high fives after sex. Yeah, I've never gotten one. More high fives than I've gotten. It's like an all right. Maybe two or three.

Wow. Jackie, as a gal, when you give the guy the high five, I mean, what does that mean? Was that the greatest sex of your life? No, it's just like, yeah, man, good times. Yeah. It's just like watching a sporting event. You know, it's great. Good scrimmage.

Good scrimmage. great Fuck yeah that was fun Yeah yeah If it's like epic and amazing she's crying I usually cry Next news story Out of Florida A mother who was pulled over by police For driving through a stop sign

Claimed she was then subjected to a nightmarish strip search Where her tampon was forcibly removed By an officer This to a nightmarish strip search where her tampon was forcibly removed by an officer. This is a nightmarish... This story is actually really disgusting. That's disgusting. It might be the worst story we've ever covered. Wait, where in Florida? This is in Beverly Hills, Florida.

Beverly Hills, Florida? Citrus County. Don't go to Citrus County ever. What's Citrus County like? It's that I bet this is a true story It's most certainly happened Oh she's pressing charges

I think the cops are going to be completely fucked No it's like you can't If you're a woman don't go to Citrus County It sounds that way Did they think she had dynamite in her pussy? Or something like that? What is the point of this? Lila Tarantino is now suing

Citrus County Sheriff's Office claiming that she was strip-searched with excessive force on the side of the road in front of her young children. According to the claim, a cop waved Tarantino to drive through the posted stop sign in Beverly Hills, Florida, but was then immediately

pulled over. The mother of two says that a deputy approached her car with his gun pointed at it, ordered her to get out, and handcuffed her with no explanation. This guy sounds like a rapist. Tarantino asked why she was being pulled over. He might have had a good reason. Turns out she was a woman.

She was asked why she was being pulled over, but the officer said nothing. Suspected of drug use, the suspect was then put in a patrol police car for two hours while her children, aged one and four, were left in her own car. In the heat of the summer in Florida. These kids could have been real turkeys. The suit goes on to say that five... Like a turkey.

Like a dead little turkey. The suit goes on to say that five other deputies then arrived at the scene and conducted two strip searches in plain view of passing motorists. During one search, a female police officer allegedly removed Tarantino's tampon. Oh, well, Gal did it. Does that make it better? That does make it a little better. No, it doesn't make it any better.

No, I agree. No, no. Does it make it any greater? doesn't make it any better. No, I agree. It doesn't make it any greater. It might make it more sexy. Okay, it's a little bit more steamy. If she was wearing a goat mask, I'd be fine with it. Yeah, we're really good to it. Did they put the goat mask on her or was she already wearing the goat mask? No, the cop's wearing the goat mask.

Yeah, yeah. Round of applause here if you've removed somebody else's tampon before. I actually have. All right. Oh, just two creeps. Yeah, well, I used to be a cop

down in Florida. Everyone's got drugs on them or they're on their period. Whatever. If the girl knows she's got one in, she better fucking dig it out herself.

This was just a foreplay for pre-sex, Ben and Micah? That was probably her fault. She was on her period. Yeah, yeah. She was driving erratically, all emotionally, and crying all the time. So what do you guys think about the rusty dick? I'm fine with it.

You know, this is a funny thing. Side effect. I was listening to a thing about... I do not like that term. I never heard that term before, but I liked it. I don't think it's fake, though. I've heard of a rusty trombone, and I thought it was something similar. Well, a rusty trombone and I thought it was something similar. A rusty trombone is related

because a rusty trombone, from my understanding, is when you fuck a girl on her period. That's not true. The rusty trombone is when the gal goes behind the guy, eats his ass, and jacks him off. Like, he's a trombone. Wait, wait, wait. Why is it rusty yeah see that's that my understanding

ass now my understanding of the rusty trombone is that ass is that you fuck a girl on her period and then while your dick is bloody she gives you a blow job no dude wrong rusty trombone the way you use a trombone is you stick your tongue in a trombone's ass. You slide your hand up and down his trombone cock. Everyone knows that. The cock of the trombone. That's why they call it the cock of the trombone. Everybody knows it.

If you're going by the actual instrument, that'd be a rusty slide whistle. Because it's going... That's the sound I made. All right. Well, this is from the Wikipedia page of Rusty Trombone. Rusty Trombone is a sexual act in which a man stands with his knees

and back slightly bent, with feet at least shoulder-width apart to expose his anus. Too much explanation. The other partner typically kneels behind the man and performs analingus. Analingus? The other partner typically kneels behind the man and performs analingus. Analingus? That's not a term.

Have you heard analingus before? Do you have? Yes. Alright, we got San Francisco. While reaching up beneath the testicles or around the body to manually administer rapid up and down motions of the penis, mimicking the motions of a trombone player.

The act is defined primarily by the physical orientation of the partners and the combination of analingus. I feel like you can do this act without standing upright. One, two, three, you can lay down. Analingus. Analingus sounds like a flower. Not to be confused, by the way, with the Heil Schittler, which is a different one.

That's when you get behind the girl, eats the ass, and the guy flexes his dick up, you know, like a bunch. Gases his balls. The cum that I came before just ran back up. It feels good. Kids, come back home.

I don't want to be a part of this world. I wouldn't ask for this. It could have been worse. They could have given this gal a rusty trombone-type situation, I suppose, eating her ass or something. And then rubbing her penis. Yeah, and then rubbing her larder penis. Well, maybe if you pulled the tampon, but not all the way out so it's all covered in blood and it's still in her, and then they stroke that off while they eat ass.

Now you're thinking with your head. That's more of a rusty French horn. It's bent. It's more disgusting than the rusty trombone. The French horns are always played by sluts. Yes, sluts and French people.

I know that. What? French horns are always played by sluts? I have never, ever know that. What? French horns are always played by sluts? I have never, ever heard that. You guys are way too ready to agree upon that. There's no way. No, I've heard that. Why not?

No, no, no. You've never heard that old adage? Wikipedia that. You've never heard that French horn players are sluts? No. You've never heard that French horn players are sluts? No. You've never heard that? No. Red Sailor Sky in the morning,

sluts are French trombone players. No, no, no, no, no. That's possible. I can see it. It's a very sexual instrument. They like it. Like, what kind of sluts? Band sluts?

Just sluts, man. Just normal sluts play the French horn. They're not part of the marching band. They're just like freelance horn players. What's this cop saying for the reasons that they took the tape? I don't want to keep talking about this sad story. It's so sad. It doesn't make me viscerally upset.

In front of her kids. Okay, okay, we can move on. Can you imagine just how slow, like they probably ripped it out slow, and like how embarrassing. I'm imagining the lady pulled it out real quick, and it went pop, and she goes, Ha ha!

Just remember that there was one police officer that pulled her over, and then five other police officers showed up. She's suing everybody. They have nothing fucking else to do in Citrus County. They're like, no, I'm a cop. Yeah, I do a cop duty. It's like, no, that's not a cop duty.

That's not what you're supposed to do. You're not protecting anyone, you piece of shit. All Florida cops are piece of shit. Let's move on to a light-hearted story from Lubbock, Texas. There we go. Our good friend and loyal listener

Todd Gray sent this to me. A 35-year-old man suffered serious injuries Friday afternoon after crashing a new 2012 Harley Davidson almost immediately after he bought it. That's written so perfectly. after he bought it. That's written so perfectly.

A salesman at Wild West Harley-Davidson, which, by the way, is right across the street from Joe's Crab Shack, tells us the man had bought a new motorcycle and crossed to Frank Brown GMC across the street where he lost control of the motorcycle, crashed between two vehicles on the lot, and the motorcycle immediately caught fire.

Why is he going to a car dealership after he just bought a vehicle? Just to taunt the cars. Just to let them know what a better vehicle he has. Fucking Chevy piece of shit truck. Hey, you guys got two wheels too many. That's always good. Did he just immediately

try to return it? It didn't work. I don't know if you knew this. It was on fire when you sold it to me. You didn't see the flames? That's why I bought it, but I don't like it anymore. My legs are all charred. A salesman at Frank Brown GMC who spoke to the victim after the accident,

tells us the rider had just received his motorcycle license and went to buy the bike. I will say, if you're a car dealer, easy sell. Easy sell when you see that he crashes his motorcycle. You want him to get home? You want four wheels? I got some. Let's do it. The salesman says the motorcycle hit the curb and the rider was thrown

off the bike, landing onto an SUV windshield in the Frank Brown car lot. He got up in the air. He was going so fast. I know exactly where this happened because the movie this is the same kind of

complex where there's the Harley Davidson place there's Joe's Crab Shack right actually an STD clinic by everything in Texas doubles as an STD clinic then there's come to the back room then there's the Best Buy and then there's the movie theater okay and then there's the team down your head in your head I lived there for five years So yeah I know this place fairly well And it's also a small town And the GMC parking lot

Is right behind it So what this guy had to do He pulled out of the Harley Davidson lot And literally drove I would say 60 feet Until he completely lost control popped over the curb

and he had to have flown a while. He had to have got some fucking air to go all the way Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit God, I'm so fucking cool Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit To land on a fucking SUV, to land on a car in the Frank Brown parking lot.

Does he have to pay for the car now also? Probably. I hope so. It sucks. This is all his fault. This dude did not do it right. Well, if this guy's living in Lubbock and buying a fucking Harley Davidson from that fucking lot, which is expensive as shit, going out and getting a motorcycle license,

that means that his Harley Davidson was his first choice. Fucking weekend warrior, asshole, bullshit, motherfucker. He got what was coming to him. A lot of anger. I feel like he's already learned his lessons. Well, if he would have gone to fucking Leveland and joined the Ace of Spades gang. Gone to where? Leveland. Ace of Spades.. Gone to where? Leveland.

Ace of Spades. Leveland. It's 30 miles away from Lubbock. It's a tough fucking town. That's where the real bikers are. Yeah, it's a weird fucking town. Like, my roommate once saw three chihuahuas eating a dirty diaper in the middle of the street.

That's what makes it a tough town? That's probably what this guy saw. He had to swerve to avoid it. Yeah, when the chihuahuas are tough enough to eat dirty diapers, literally eating shit. Oh, when even the dogs are eating poop, you know. They never do that.

They never do that. It's a given that in this town, all the people are eating shit. They got A really big mess town. And they got some pretty good biker gangs there, too. I gotta go there. Oh, you would love

Level Land. Level Land. They called it Level Land because it's so fucking flat. Call it Level Land. Everything in Texas makes sense. It's so literal. It really does. That's cool. So what happened to this guy?

Did he go to the hospital? Yeah, but he's in serious condition, but his injuries are not considered life threats. Okay, okay. Thank God. Yeah, he had severe blood loss, but was not... Oh, Jesus. I was like bleeding out of his motorcycle. I was on fire.

He's got to pay for a brand new SUV. He's got to pay for the windshield of a brand new SUV and two... Alright, I'm going to try... It can't just be the windshield. I have got a picture of the motorcycle. I hope I can do this without fucking things up. Alright, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is he in the fire?

He's not in the fire. If you'll remember what I said, when he hit the curb, he flew off of the motorcycle and landed in the windshield of an SUV. Of a different car. Three cars. He's paying for three cars. By the way, for the listeners, this motorcycle is in between

two cars engulfed in flames and the flames are spreading to the other two cars. It's great that there's an American flag there that's tilted down. This is kind of the picture of America's current state. Absolutely. It is. That's it.

I love it. Me too. I love it, and I love Lobbock. Jackie, do you find yourself more attracted to guys in motorcycles? That's the point of getting one, right? Is to get pussy? You with the cut-off t-shirt that says Jägermeister on it, you are not attracted to men who ride motorcycles.

My father rides motorcycles. Oh, does he? You should be more attracted. It's a turn-off, then. I'm only attracted to my father. That's why I can't do it. No, no, no. Because all of his friends, I mean, it's awesome.

The culture is awesome. But at the same time, all I can think of when I watch a dude riding a motorcycle is, you're going to fucking die a terrible death. This guy was not in the culture. He was easily an accountant in his 40s. Yeah, definitely. Time for Ricky to shine. Hey, Linda, look at...

Oh, shit! Oh, shit! That's wonderful. Reed, have you ever had a motorcycle? Or what's your favorite motorcycle? Oh, shit! That's wonderful. Reed, have you ever had a motorcycle? Or what's your favorite motorcycle? You look like a buff motorcycle kind of guy. A 5'3", no puberty ever of me. You can have a motorcycle.

I refuse to have one. No one looks cool on them anymore. I don't think so either. The only way to look cool on a motorcycle is if it's beat up as shit from World War II and you're wearing a ratty, torn-up suit. Or you're Captain America. And that's really cool.

Or you're on fire. If you're Ghost Rider or Captain America, you can look pretty fucking cool on a motorcycle. If you're a skeleton with a flaming head, pretty much eating a hot dog is badass. What if you're Nick Cage? I'm on fire! That's the sound of Ghost Rider eating a hot dog. badass. It's cool, yeah. What if you're Nick Cage while you're doing this? I'm on my own! That's the sound of Ghost Rider

eating a hot dog. Yeah, exactly. Or if you've got seashells glued all over the outside and all over your jean jacket. Yeah, right. That's also very true. If you're on fire

or if you have seashells glued to your vest, you can't be seen in an SUV. It's just, it's not possible. And you've got a stereo attached to the back of it that just plays sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, everything.

I like it. Landslide brings us home. The jean jacket with the stereo built in. I love it. Stereo shoulder pads. The beachcombers. Alright, next story. A special needs school teacher has been arrested on suspicion of sexually assaulting a former student.

That's why you shouldn't hire special needs people to be teachers. They just think it's good touch. It's all good touch to them. Kelly McKenzie Watson met the 17-year-old boy while she was his teacher at the residential... She's pretty. She's pretty. At the New Haven Youth and Family Services in Vista, Los Angeles,

working with emotionally disturbed boys. And can I see a picture of her? Yeah. Is it going to fuck the thing up again? To be fair, these are emotionally disturbed... Oh, wow. Oh, she looks crazy, though. So this is just like a badass kid.

He doesn't have an extra chromosome. The bad boy? It sounds like a bad boy school. Everyone wants to fuck a 17-year-old bad boy. Well, yeah, what does special needs mean? You know, he needs to be fucked by his teacher. When you originally hear special needs, you think, like, Downey. But I think it's more like, you ever see Bad Boys?

I've seen Bad Boys. With Sean Penn. No, no, no no the one with sean penn and uh the guy that was in um highlander like a bad guy no no no christopher lambert yes oh i love christopher lambert and it's just like they're just like bad kid they're tough kids that fuck whoever they want yeah they collect fingernails and Lick eggs like they're pussies. You're still trying to sell us these eggs for a nickel and a knuckle? I'm telling you, you can lick them.

You can fucking do a rusty fridge hoard with them. You can do whatever. Wow. And this woman is 34 years old. 34 years old. Fucking 17-year-old. I'll tell you what. Can we all just say lucky dude?

Let's just go ahead and say it. Well, he's emotionally disturbed, so I wouldn't say he's lucky. I mean, yeah, but just in that instance. I mean, this has got to help, right? Sure. I think so. This has got to put you in a good place for at least a day or two. The first thing even about her, it was like, I'll do what I need to help my students.

Right. Oh, yeah. That's very superficial. If a teacher promised me, like, if you get an A on your next test, I will fuck you. If this was an attractive teacher, Mrs. Harrison, when I was in seventh grade, I would have been a straight A student for that class. Yeah. I would have gone back to my D's. But it would have been great.

The incentive of pussy is more of an incentive than a free pizza party at Pizza Hut. I feel like we... Oh, go ahead. No. I don't want to. No, you do. No, you. I like that we're having a nice, cordial conversation about rate.

It's a table of gentlemen. It is a round table. Reed, would you like to do your table joke? Before the show, Reed... Hey, I heard the table was round. It looks like a big rectangle. It's a rectangle. I thought that was good.

I thought that was a good joke. Oh, thank you. I thought the table was round. It really is a rectangle. Robot, what do you think? Beep, boop, boop, beep. Oh, wow, he didn't like it. I feel like we've

redefined special needs based on what she looks like. Yeah. There's no way she could have fucked someone with Down Syndrome. So clearly he's a badass with an emotional problem. The special need is he wanted to fuck his teacher. I mean, that's more special of a need than that. They misquoted it.

It wasn't special needs. It was make a wish. That was his special need. That was his special need. I should have faked cancer at 17 and banged Mrs. Harrison. That's good. What would you do if you had to make a wish right now? You're going to die.

What's your wish going to be? Who are you fucking? Oh, my God. She went to be a model in Chicago. But then I think she got married and gained weight. But that's fine. What would be your special make a wish, Jax? Is it a fuck wish?

It can be whatever you want. I just wish I could play basketball with the WNBA. Well, you could. Get on out there. Start dribbling the balls. Stand on the court. You think I could get out there, guys? Yeah, I think you just have to be a lesbian

and want to be in the game. I'm there. Yeah, if you want to be in the WNBA. I'm not a lesbian. I just have a cut-off Jagermeister shirt. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Whoa! What was that indication of lesbianism? I don't know. Make a wish. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Whoa! What was that indication of lesbianism?

I don't know. Make a wish. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Not a lesbian. I just have a cut-off Jagermeister shirt. Sort of nullifies the first part. What's up, Marcus? What do you want, a story?

I want to crash a helicopter into the Super Bowl. All right. Well, in this day of domestic terrorism, Marcus, I'm not sure if we can say that. That's my make-a-wish. That's my wish. Would you let him do it? I don't have to kill anybody.

I just want to crash it right into the middle of the field. You want to be Bane, motherfucker. Yeah! I'm going to crash it into the super-villain. He's got the reckoning. That's actually very good. He's got the reckoning. This's actually very good. He's got the reckoning. This is your reckoning,

Guffman. That's not bad. That's a really good impression. You just have to sound like there's a lot of cheese whiz in your mouth. Me and my roommate have been doing it

for like a month now. Hell yeah, man. I wish I lived in Europe. Take out the trash can. It's your turn to buy the toilet paper. Well, now you sound like you're special needs, but that's fine. I really like that.

Yeah, it was good. That really spoke to me. Crash a helicopter into the Super Bowl. It's a lot of people there. It'll be a big event. I think that'll be fun. Mars, motherfucker. You're going to blow up Mars.

You're going to crash a helicopter into Mars? I'm going to crash a helicopter into Mars. You're talking to the helicopter of its face. Yeah, dude. Fucking, yeah, dude. I'll have a fucking big load of eggs on it. I feel like, I just, I feel like, no one wants your eggs, so you're taking them into Mars? Yeah, dude.

I'm going to ship them up to Mars, make fucking Martian lizards, fucking talking, smoking weed all day, fucking playing Guitar Hero. What if the fucking rover on Mars finds that? Then you just hold it and playing Guitar Hero. What if the fucking rover on Mars finds that? Then he'll just hold it and play Guitar Hero. We battle it and the rover's got like 1,200 hit points and we fucking take it down with our fucking magic casting abilities. So now you're mixing Guitar Hero with Skyrim. Essentially, yeah.

With 2001 A Space Odyssey. Fucking baby in the uterus. I'm a baby. Alright, one more news story before we get to the segment. What, really? We don't want to keep this going? A Hawkins man. This is in Big Sandy, Texas. This is a lot of sand.

It's Big Sandy. Level, Texas and Big Sandy, Texas. Well, this is actually Longview, near Longview, which Longview is in South Texas. A Hawkins man is claiming his civil rights and religious freedom were violated earlier this year when a black man sacked his groceries and a big sandy grocery store owner banned the customer from the business. DeWitt R. Thomas stated in a nine-page handwritten lawsuit that he told the grocery sacker

a black man, quote, Wait a minute. Don't touch my groceries. I can't have someone Negroidal touch my food. It's against my creed. I've never heard the word Negroidal before. It's a very common species. It's against my creed. Ah. I've never heard the word negroidle before. It's a very common species. It's a very contra...

It sounds like you're getting hit right in the middle of your quadricep. Negroidle. Negroidle. Yeah, negroidle! Yeah, it sounds just like a nerd... Should I have not brought this one up? Is this, like, too black? I don't know if it's too black. Is this too racist for us to talk about

as a bunch of white people? I mean, I'm half black. Well, I was going to say that the man should probably move to England where everyone bags their own groceries, which is an interesting thing that I learned on my study abroad. What were you doing when you were abroad? I think we

might be too white for this story. If you went to a study abroad sort of story. Alright, well let's go. I've we might be too white for this story. If we went to a study abroad sort of story. Yeah, I think so. Alright, well let's go. I've got another one. I've got another one. I've got another one. Alright. And since that a high school student, actually no, let's just go to the segment. Aw, yay!

What was this high school person? It was Walmart, car, hitting a teenager, whatever. God, funny joke, funny joke, funny joke, funny joke. He ripped a tampon out of the mentally challenged student he's having sex with. And then the question said, it all came together. In that story, the person was mentally challenged. I like the addition.

It makes it easier for me to handle. Oh, in front of her own children You have a segment That you worked really hard on He didn't work hard on it He did, I was around him I came up with it when I got out of the subway The fact that we're still alive is a lot Don't get raped by Toothless Jimmy

So set yourself Set yourself in, you're in Texas, driving through the desert. Your car runs out of gas. The name of the town is Urine Texas. A lot of people pee there. We'll call it Urine Texas. Everybody pees there. What do you do?

Your car just broke down. Lo and behold, there's a gas station nearby with a bunch of bones covered around it and stuff. You have to get the gas from there. But Toothless Jimmy, the wily gas station attendant, he wants a little something different with you. What does he want? You gotta get out of that gas station with the gas.

All right, I'll start. What does Toothless Jimmy want? He might want to have relations. Let it or unlet it. Letted or unleaded? Letted, please. All right. I just need to get some gas. I'm just kind of in a hurry.

Why are you in a hurry? Tell me about when you studied abroad. Oh, I have to get to the airport. I've got to study abroad. Ain't no airport around here, boy. Well, I mean an airport in Dallas. Dallas? Dallas is about 300 no airport around here, boy. Well, I mean an airport in Dallas. Dallas? Dallas is about 300 miles away from here.

Okay. Well, yeah, I just need some gas. I'm going to go to the airport, and I have a study abroad. Boy, I think you're lying to me. I'm not. Really? I think you're lying to me. I don't like the tone that you're sending over my way, boy.

I mean, you're kind of weirding me out because you've got that big sword in your hand. It's like a medieval sword. This sword? My daddy gave me this sword. Okay. Can I please have my gas? You ready to get a bug put in you? What does that mean?

What does it mean? That means you're going to get raped. No! Holden got raped. All right, I can make it out. Holden, can you give some death screams? Come here. Come here. death screams? Come here. Get it.

Come here. Get it. By the way, Toothless Jimmy has AIDS. So it really is a death rape. That's what get a bug put in you means. Micah? So the objective is to not get raped.

Not to get out of there with the gas. Oh, just to get out of there with the gas Oh just to get out of there with the gas You gotta get the gas though Cause your car's broken down I mean it's not a gas You can't trade sexual favors for the Well let's see Alright

Can't rape the willing Let it please Alright You got a car that old and needs leaded gasoline? Yes, sir. What year is it? 74. Too new.

I think you're lying to me. Why is everyone lying to you? It's an obvious 74. I mean, sir, all due respect, but if I could just get the gas in the car, and then if it blows up, then you're right. Letted gasoline in an unleaded vehicle does not make it blow up. You're going to be stuck here for a while. Oh, boy. You won't be stuck here for a while.

Tell them about when you studied abroad. I, uh... You can't rape a robot! You can't rape a robot! I concede. You ain't gonna get raped. I'm an estate agent, buddy. Why did you have to meet a good cat? You're an estate agent, buddy. Just having some fun with Earthlings.

Playing around with Toothless Joe. GM, whatever. Alright, Ben. We'll head around with Toothless Joe. Jim, whatever. All right, Ben, you're up. Hello. I need to get some diesel gas. All right, we got diesel. Well, that's fantastic. I need some.

For the car. It's a Jetta. Volkswagen Jetta. They actually do diesel. It's not going to fun. You got a gas tank? Well, yeah, it's on the car. No, I mean a tank to take to the tank.

No, I'll just push the car here myself. I'm a massive beast, man. I'm half drunk as it is. That's why I ran out of gas. I forgot to fill up. You drunk? What? Oh, no.

Bad. That was bad. You like to drink? I love drinking. I'm slim. You're going to get raped. I'm slim right now. There's nothing dangerous happening here. I'm drunk. You got beers? Yeah, I got some beers and I got some whiskey I'm slammed. You're going to get raped. I'm slammed right now. There's nothing dangerous happening here.

I'm drunk. You got beers? Yeah, I got some beers and I got some whiskey in the back. I love whiskey more than beer, so I'll take whiskey. You will get raped. I'm not. Why would I get raped? I'm just going to drink with a friendly guy.

He doesn't have any teeth, but I guess he can probably drink faster then. Maybe. Oh, God. All right. Zip. You know what? I think I might just push my car to the other station. You sure you don't want no whiskey, no beer?

Oh, man, I really could go for some whiskey right now. I'm quite depressed. I've got a whole bunch of whiskey back here. What do I have to do to get the whiskey? Can I just go back? You ain't got to do nothing. All right, well, let's go get the whiskey. I'll go with you.

You're going to get raped. Alcoholism got me raped. That's what it is. That's what it is. All right, who's next? Who wants to go next? All right, we got Jesse. Jesse, you're pulling in for some gas.

Where are you from, boy? Berkeley. You're going to get raped. Jesse's going to rape him immediately. I would rape him. Beep, boop, boop, beep, boop. No, you're going to get raped. Double raped.

I know a real robot. I know a real robot. You ain't no real robot, boy. Too bad. Texans don't like smart people. Pulling into a gas station. Hello. You're going gonna get raped! Oh, what?

No, thank you. I felt like something was different today. Jackie? Alright, first off, I would be leaving my car with sparklers in my hands. I always kept sparklers

in my car, just in case. In case of what? A random parade or a good time that you thought about having? I'll ask you to drive to Georgia and just buy sparklers sometimes.

Okay. I had a bunch of sparklers in my truck. So here comes the lady by herself waving sparklers. Nothing crazy about her. Hey, you get the fuck away from the gas tanks. I'm a witch woman. You get the fuck away from the pumps. I'm a witch woman.

You give me your gas. You get the fuck away from the pumps. Don't tell a witch woman what to do. You get the fuck away from the pumps. I'm cursing you dead. You're going to blow us the fuck up. You're going to blow us the fuck away from the punks! You're gonna tell a witch woman what to do! You're gonna fuck away from the punks! I curse you dead! You're gonna blow us the fuck up! You're gonna blow us the fuck up! You're gonna blow us the fuck up!

Give me that other gas! You want me to get away from the gas? I'm gay as fuck. I don't give a fuck. Give me your goddamn gas. I love you. I'm gonna rape ya! Wow!

Toothless Jim gets raped! Wow! Holy Christ! Oh man, she flipped the script like Busta Rhymes. I've never heard of such a thing. Does that mean I'm back in the band? Toothless, how do you feel? Absolutely, you're back! I'm back in the band! I'm back! Yeah!

How do you feel about getting raped, Toothless? Empowered. How do you feel about it? You Toothless? Empowered. You're a sadist. I just feel like you're a really emotionally damaged person. Is that for me now? It's up to you, boy. Don't worry, guys. Don't worry, gang.

We're all back in the band. Go, Reed, go. Go, Reed. I think he's really going to respect you. With any luck, he'll review you as a god. First, I'd like to check my inventory. All right. What do I have in my inventory? You have an empty gas can.

Empty gas can. A spoon. Spoon. A bladeless knife. Yeah, and a switch, a flip knife that doesn't have the blade in it anymore. Do you play a lot of video games, Reed? No. You have an inventory box in your games, right? I'm just looking for what I got. And you also have that red button that they sell at Staples

or whatever it's like. It's easy. It's easy, yeah. And a ribbon that says Fun Times. A cider on your neck and a bow. And a box of condoms with just one condom. Just one condom, okay. Hello, good sir. You got real pretty eyes.

You're right, I do. Thank you. Good play. Nice job. Wow. Taking a compliment. Absolutely. I was looking to get some gas.

You got any? Wink. Oh. Wow. Yeah, I got some gas You got any? Wink Oh Yeah I got some gas How much you need? Probably like a whole tank's worth You goof Wow

Wow I feel like I am blushing here This is really going well I wish I was working at that gas station Oh man He is a goof Toothless Joe is a goof. Toothless Joe thinks of himself as quite the comic.

I hide you. And he explodes. Alright, well, where's your car? You have to follow me. Oh, wow. It's easy. I'm going to need some help pushing it. You look strong. It's easy. Yeah, well, that may be the case, and I appreciate the compliment, sir,

but I can't leave this gas station unattended. Well, I guess we're gonna have to hang out here for a while. I guess we will. This seems dangerous. I'm looking to catch the bug. I know what you mean. He flipped the switch. You're gonna fall in love.

Yeah? Well, you're're going to fall in love. Oh, man. Yeah? Well, you're going to have to treat me first. Is this happening? I don't know. This is happening. They're going to get married. Are they falling in love?

This is the most romantic thing that has ever happened on this podcast. I can't deal with this right now. I bet he's distraught. What am I going to have to do? Give me that gas. There's a guy across the street masturbating in his house right now.

I'll give you a can full and then you can drive over here and then you and me, brother, I got a feeling that we can build a life together somewhere. How do you feel about New Mexico? They're looking at each other right in the eyes. Yeah, it's disgusting.

I didn't know there was a new one. And it's like everything's cool. Good job, sir. I tell you, the new one is much better than old. It's a place where men can grow old together. I've been looking for something shiny and new in my life for a long time. And it was just as they said

when I wasn't looking, there I found it. Wow, interesting. Look at that. It's gonna happen. Ask him to marry you. Do you... Do you wanna... Hey, Toothless Joe!

I finished digging that ditch in the back! You get the fuck out of here! What's going on? Wait, who's that? You get out of here! That ain't nobody! That ain't nobody! That ain't nobody!

That ain't nobody! That's just Bob. Bob, you get the fuck back in the backyard. Who is Bob? Bob's just a man who works here. Baby, I swear, you're going to get raped. Oh, no. I knew I loved you for a reason.

Kiss me on the mouth. I guess Jackie wins. Jackie the mouth. All right. I guess Jackie wins. Jackie right there. Reed wins. I'm pretty sure. Okay, Reed wins. That's for the round. Is that it?

That's it. That's it. Okay. Wow, I'm impressed. You did great. With everyone. Jackie's a brassy old McNally. Thank you for being here, Reed.

Thanks for being here, Micah. Thanks for being here, Justin. Nice to meet you, buddy. That was a really good scene. That was powerful. It's still happening. They're still locking eyes. I know.

It's never going to end. I love it. All right, guys. We'll talk to you soon. Goodbye. I'm going to go wake up.