The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 111: Pelican

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On this, the 110th episode of the Round Table: a woman cooks and eats her children confusing them for pigs while hallucinating, a woman goes on a two year arson spree because nobody was paying attention to her, and a man strangles a pelican in front of horrified onlookers, plus we're joined by Mike Recine, Amber Nelson, and Henry Zebrowski.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen! And let them go watch what? Fire at will! Yes!

It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. You're on prayer, Ben. Oh, am I? Yeah. Why? gentlemen. Always civility. That's our top secret. You're on prayer, Ben. Oh, am I? Yeah. Why? Because it's your turn.

Is it? Yeah! Alright, dear Beelzebub, thank you so much for being here with us and thank you for the Creaky Award! Yeah, we won the Creaky Award! Yeah, we won Best Podcast! Best Podcast Creaky Award! We beat Che and the Gay, we won the Creaky Award. Yeah, we won Best Podcast. Best Podcast Creaky Award.

We beat Che and the Gay. We beat Jake Young. Fuck them too. Yeah, we're number one. Yeah, so thank you. All right, amen. Who else did we beat? Oh, we beat a bunch of people.

We beat Crime Report. Just eat your chips. Yeah. Good job. All right. Amen. That was it. That was the prayer.

That was great. That was a good one. It was nice. You guys beat Rojo's podcast? Yeah, we beat Rojo's podcast. Hey, coming at you live from my yellow car. Getting inside, Racine. Getting inside.

A little inside. Rojo Perez is a wonderful comedian. I always forget not to do that when I do it. Yeah, that's Mike Racine talking. Who else is here? Miss Amber Nelson is here hanging out. Sitting in for Jackie Zabrowski who is on a love vacation with her boyfriend.

They're gone for a week. A lot to come. They better not get pregnant or else I am driving her to the abortion clinic. Well, it's probably going to be a rape and so she can just kill it. Kill it. Shut it down. Kill it. Who is that? That's Henry Zabrowski. Yeah, filling in for the fucking big, fat, dumb Ed Larson. Shut it down. Kill it. Kill it. Who was that? That's Henry Zabrowski. Yeah, fill it in for the fucking

big, fat, dumb Ed Larson. Oh, my God. You know what I heard Ed did the other day in order to fool his girlfriend into thinking that he was in bed next to her when he went out to go sneak some milk from the fucking deli at four o'clock in the morning. He just filled

a bunch of sacks with liquid bologna and just fucking left it there. And she's like, oh, I love you, Eddie. I love you. And fucking squished the fucking Ziploc bag full of liquid fucking baloney. It's better than us, Eddie. It's better than us, Eddie. Oh, Eddie, you tried to turn me on.

Never get sick of it. That sounds good. I'm Holden McNeely. Fucking that's all I need to say with the business. Your voice sounds rough. I did two shows in a row. We did Murder Fist and then Cowmen right afterwards. I'm fucked.

You sound like fucking, what's his name from the band with the throat cancer? Levon Helm? Levon Helm? Yeah. Rest in peace. Yeah, he's dead. I'm sorry. He died.

Yeah, he died when he tried to rip his own dick off. That's what I'm doing. Fuck yeah. Can't get it. Can't get it. Today's the day I rip my own dick off. Hey, Kevin Barnett. I'm back wearing hats, doing that shit.

Bitches and shit. I like it. Fuck yeah. Then I'm Ben Kissel. And then we got Trey Gallaleon in the Chuckle Hut Trey Galeon's here, no hat No hat It's Trey Galeon's 21st birthday tomorrow

Word! Come out to the Brooklyn Crab you guys That'll be good Where is Brooklyn Crab? Red Hook Red Hook? Who the fuck got in and out of here? Exactly Don't you have to man a small aircraft to get out to Red Hook. Red Hook? Oh. Red Hook? Who the fuck? Yeah, man. Get out of here. Exactly. Don't you have to man a small aircraft to get out to Red Hook?

Only the people that really want to come are going to come. I'm going to know who my real friends are tomorrow night. Yeah. And then Mike Racine is also here. Hello, Mike. Mike Racine here. That's good. Okay.

All right, Marcus. This is a lower energy podcast. It's hot in here. I'm very hungover. That's good Okay Alright Marcus This is a lower energy podcast It's hot in here I'm very hungover I'm just hungover Whiskey is like Coming out of my tear ducts

Right now Good I want to lick your face Fuck you Yeah Marcus News A Thai woman accused of butchering

And eating Amber Nelson Yeah we got her Yeah We're good Yeah Shit Jesus God knows

You just blacked out for a second I'm done, man. Is that not memorable? No, it was, Amber. Everybody loves you. Jesus, Kevin. All right, fuck it. Amber, do a silly character, and that's how they'll remember you.

I'm Mr. Wiggles. Yay! Mr. Wiggles. That sounds pretty fun. What's Mr. Wiggles' deal? That's my question. I like ham in my pocket. What are you, fucking Ed's mother, you fucking bitch?

You ain't better than us, Eddie. A Thai woman accused of butchering and eating her two young sons has claimed she was hallucinating and thought they were pigs. I've taken that drug. I've taken that one. She allegedly cooked and ate her sons, aged one and five. Oh, I could see if you put a little pig nose in a fucking tail on a baby,

it'd look like a little baby pig. No, officer, I always eat two whole pigs for dinner. That's the thing. She was found by... They weren't pigs. It's still a lot of food. I mean, that's just a big meal. She was found by police sleeping in her home,

surrounded by body parts. Cool. Nice. I wonder when the drug was wearing off, did she realize she was just eating her children, a big meal. She was found by police sleeping in her home surrounded by body parts. Cool! Nice! I wonder when the drug was wearing off, did she realize she was just eating her children or if she just continued to take the hallucinogens? I think the drug was, uh, I just don't want to be a mother anymore. Yeah. It's a good drug. I think the key is

what you should do there is you should take your baby, cover it in tinfoil and just say, oh, I'm sorry officer, I thought it was a burrito. Yep. Set it and forget it. What? Set it. Is that rotisserie?

Yeah, but that's. Set it and forget it. That's right. That would be good. It's probably like Plunko or something. Dude, what's happening? I don't know. Well, the woman is a member of the Musur Hill tribe who live in the mountainous region of Chiang Men near the Burmese border. Oh, interesting.

She's an Asian, not an Italian? Thai. Oh. How dark is she? A Thai woman? Thai people are... I have no idea. Thai get pretty brown.

Yeah. Right. Yeah, they're pretty brown. Oh, trust Thai people, man. They put peanut butter in too much shit. That's the thing. Peanut butter and noodles. It fucking sucks.

It's a pasta sauce on there. I just want to end this and go eat Thai food. Anytime you were to put peanut butter on something, just toss a meatball on it. That's my fucking motto. That's the fucking motto. You put a meatball on everything. You put a meatball on your girlfriend before you have your relations. Hell yeah, dude.

Makes it better. Makes her better. Makes me better. Really eat it. Do they know what drugs this chick was on? She was not on any drugs. In fact, she had stopped taking her medication. Whoa.

I always get mad when I'm not on drugs. Yeah, you just see little piggies everywhere. And that comes from Mental Health Department Deputy Director, Dr. Kiatifum Wongrakichit. Oh, he's a very nice man. Say the name again. Dr. Kiatifum Wongrakichit. Nat, can you say it backwards, please? You spent time in Thailand, didn't you?

Te-te-char-n-gar-no-muh-v-e-t-yak. Oh, you're a natural. You're a natural. It's the man of the Thai language. Thai is the ugliest language. Well, when said by a Texan, yes. Kattyfum? Well, I can say it like a...

Kattyfum one gratchet? That's just a name. Kattyfum one gratchet. Yeah, why don't you just call him Gratchet or Gratch? Yeah, call him Doc. Just call him Doc. Yeah, they've got a food that's just called pho. Sounds great. Yeah, it's ph's just called pho. Sounds great.

Yeah, it's pho with a pho. I had nothing. Trey, you smoke a lot of weed, right? I smoke a fair amount of pot, yeah. That's good. Do you have a food experience that you remember that was really fucking out of this world? I ate raw Boca burgers last night. So that's what I ate.

What? That sounds good. You were a monster last night. Yeah, I ate them like a cookie. I ate frozen Boca burgers like a cookie and I put hot and spicy ketchup on them.

And then, yeah, the person I was with woke up and was like, what are you doing? And I was like, just go to the bathroom. And I was obviously

eating a frozen Boca burger. Yeah. Which is very sad. No, my go-to is peanut butter on waffles. Ooh. That's fantastic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, we started too, but sad. No, my go-to is peanut butter on waffles. Ooh!

That's fantastic. That's so good. I mean, it was sour, too, but yeah. Yeah, if you get a couple of Eggo waffles and you put peanut butter, cream cheese, and jelly on it and you eat it like a sandwich. Ooh, I've never thrown the cream cheese in there. Yeah, throw the cream cheese in there.

I've done the peanut butter and jelly waffles when I ran out of bread. It was like, oh, I got Eggos. But the whole thing is that then you realize that Eggos are so much better than fucking bread. Yeah, man. It's like, have you ever got Eggos. But the whole thing is that then you realize that Eggos are so much better than fucking bread. Yeah, man. It's like, have you ever done ham and cheese in an Eggo? Ooh, that would be amazing.

Fucking seriously? Brown up two Eggo waffles. For the first time in world table history, we're getting real serious. Add some syrup on the waffles. So the key is syrup, right? Yes. Then fucking ham and cheese with the syrup on the end. It's like a fucking...

I'm going to come... What? Tastes better than a baby? Oh, yeah. Tastes better than a baby. Say it into the microphone. It tastes better than a baby. Mr. Wiggles, are you back?

Mr. Wiggles? Yeah. What if Amber didn't eat babies? She just licked babies. I think... Do you lick babies? Oh, yeah. I bet they lick delicious. I mean, they're all sweaty and stuff.

You can taste their dreams coming out of them, you know? Life is good. Wait a minute, where are you around all these sweaty babies? You gotta work them out. Do babies sweat? Babies sweat, man. They always wear too many clothes. That's fucking gross.

Yeah, they're always dressed up in like pocket wear. Dumb as fuck. Where all their clothes will snap together and they're just fucking like little pockets of meat. That's why I'm meshing up my baby. He's always wearing mesh. Yeah, mine's going to be everything. Mine's just going to be fancy silks. Like a little queen. Look at my little prince queen.

That's what I'll refer to my son. Big tank tops and nylon shorts. That's it. Big pope hat. I was refer to my son. Big pop hat. I was brought home from the hospital in a dress. Wow. Because I guess my penis was so small when I was a baby. My parents thought that I was a girl. That's great. And they brought a little yellow dress to take me home.

And so I went home from the hospital in a little yellow dress. Wait, is that true? Yes. Absolutely true. That is true? Completely true. The doctors weren't like, this is a boy? No, they thought I was going to be a girl. You just thought that he was a baby with the world's biggest clit?

Yeah, what about your balls? I don't know what happened, but they didn't see any of it. Maybe I grew it later. I don't really know. Sounds like you have some pretty shitty doctors. This is the south we're talking about. They're like, he's a but maybe I grew it later. I don't really know. Like a tail. Sounds like you have some pretty shitty doctors. Bad doctors. Well, this is the South we're talking about. They're like, he's a Bebo.

A Bob. A Gigo. They didn't want to look that hard. Just get him out of my goddamn sight. It's just snapping its jaws, and it's got the longest neck I've ever seen. Look at that fucking horrible fucking baby. They thought I was going to be a female lizard,

and then I ended up being a male human boy. Well, they were like, is he going to be a female lizard or be in a sketch group someday? Yeah, I'd fucking slam us, Mike. Fucking roast us down. You would be a beautiful woman, though, Holden. I would definitely have relations with you.

What do you think you No, fuck you One date, just to see You would go on one date with Holden You have bad eyes And you have an ugly mouth I also have those tits that have the nipples that point up Oh yeah, nice They go out and up

That's a very attractive nipple That's not good? The ones praising the lord pointed up to the sky? I thought those were hot nipples. That looks pretty. They're attractive. Yeah, girls like those nipples. You're thinking like banana tits like from the 70s where they were great and pert without a bra.

He's talking about like straight up nipples pointing towards the sky. The statue in Exorcist when it gets the crazy horns coming out of it. That's kind of what it is. Yeah, exactly. All right, next news story. I like those nipples too, though. The statue in Exorcist, when it gets the crazy horns coming out of it. That's kind of what it is. Yeah, exactly. All right, next news story. I like those nipples too, though. Twas them all around.

A 66-year-old grandmother has admitted to setting 18 fires across southern Maine, saying she started the blazes because no one paid attention to her. That's sad. That's sad. Oh, man. Just start doing comedy, man. Just start doing comedy, man. Carol Field from Standish, Maine set off on an arson rampage two years ago. Her targets included

a 177-year-old historic church. Fuck yeah! Empty structures, abandoned houses, and fires on piles of twigs and brush. This woman sounds awesome. She sounds like a pretty cool grandmother.

Let me see if I can, uh... You wanna see this woman? Look at her fucking eyes. Oh, she's serious! Yeah, you wanna invite her to the bonfire party. Definitely. She's got the devil inside. She's still there till four o'clock in the morning,

like, just still being like, I got pot, y'all. Yeah. Who wants to come back to my tent? I feel like she just needs to get into the Norwegian black metal circuit. Hell yeah. Fucking everyone would love her.

Well, she'd have true cred. She wouldn't be a fucking poser. Like the Metallica or something like that. Fucking black hearted brush. Yeah, well, that was part of it. One of them was burning brush. So she just cleared land. Yeah, really. A church. She burned down like an old church.

Yeah. Fucking rules. That's so cool. Yeah, when people don't pay attention to my grandmother, she just says the N-word a bunch. That's the difference in cultures. This is Maine, where people have class. That's right. That's where they burn down the forests and churches. She's not a piece of Jersey trash.

Or Italian. She burns crosses. Cultures. It took her two years to get caught? Yeah. Just good. Clearly no one fucking paid attention to her. Two years!

No one gave a fuck. She was formerly a nurse, and most recently she had worked at a sandwich shop. Wow, that is boring. That is a boring life. She didn't pay attention to her either. she had worked at a sandwich shop. Wow, that is boring. That is a boring line. She got arrested 30 years ago for providing alcohol to a minor and impersonating a police officer. Cool!

Why does she have no friends? She's a pretty rad chick. Grandma? She's perfect for murder, Fizz. I'm a sandwich artist. No one understands my art, how delicately I place the ham upon the turkey. How I will burn the church down. Usually an artist doesn't finish their fucking wonderful piece with honey mustard.

Yeah, squirting ranch all over it. That's how I'll fucking do's complete. What's the perfect sandwich for you? What? Oh, wow, you just blew his fucking mind holding. Here's a sandwich that I had once that was at the Graham Avenue Deli on Graham.

Oh, gave bad food poisoning from that. But the one that I like there is the Cuban. It's an Italian Cuban with Italian roast pork on it. Mmm. And fucking spicy pickles.

God damn! I love that sandwich. Why could people only eat it once? I mean, it's like in the neighborhood. Because it's always like, I always want it, but I'm always like, it's just like a nine-minute wait to eat it. And then it also, like, you were done for the day, right? I mean, you were in a coma.

Yeah, I was a fucking fart king for the rest of the afternoon. The guy who owns that deli is in jail now. He's doing like four years. Working with the mob. Yeah, that's why the sandwiches are good. I love it. He kept the Rolodex. He's a great guy.

Yeah. From the mobster at the sandwiches are good. I love it. He kept a roll of that. I agree, he's a great guy. Yeah. From the mobster at the ice cream store. He's a great fucking guy. Know how to keep a secret. I got some good food poisoning from that Graham Avenue deli there. It was really, really wonderful. I felt it halfway through, but then I just continued to eat it. It was that good.

I knew I was going to get sick. What sandwich was it? Something with meat. A lot of meat was involved. I forget the name of it. Godfather. The Godfather. Yep. Fantastic sandwich. Godfather. The Godfather. Yep.

Fantastic sandwich. Really tasty. I'm surprised you can even get food poisoning with like what goes on in your blood. They figured that your blood would kill any poison. Yeah, it's strong. It wasn't poisoned and it threw his system off. It was like, wait a minute, this is normal shit. And his body just went, no, rejected normal

shit. Well, I saw him making it with his bare hands. He was sweating all over the meats and the lettuce and stuff, but I thought it was authentic. He probably went to the bathroom and didn't wipe himself. Probably, but that's fine. It could be botulism. Yeah, it's probably human shit. Well, Italians are in general very dirty people.

They always run their hands through their chest hair and their fucking back hair. Mario hangs out in the sewers all day, man. Y'all ready for some monkey news? Monkey news! Yeah! A three-foot pet monkey who dressed as Santa, wore diapers, and played with his family's children has been shot dead after the creature flipped out and attacked his owner, ripping

apart his hand. his owner, ripping apart his hand. JJ the Macaque Monkey unleashed his attack after escaping his home in Okeechobee, Florida and evading capture by his owner Jimmy Schwall, who tried to catch him in a net. The monkey wriggled free and

clamped down on Schwall's buttocks and thigh and tore apart his right hand. A friend grabbed a gun and Schwall told him to shoot, killing the monkey. Kill the monkey! It's going for my nuts! Kill the monkey!

Please can I get to say that for real once in my life? Just one time. Kill the monkey! Like seriously screaming like Kill the monkey! You have to kill it! It's got the amulet! The monkey's riveling with the reactor!

The puppy just got tired of wearing the Santa Claus outfit every day. Well, they kept the pet in a large enclosure in their yard, dressed him in costumes and clothes, placed him in diapers, and let him play with their children in the pool. Fuck those people, man. The family would dress him up as a pumpkin or a bumblebee the bumblebees cute yeah so he could go trick-or-treating at Halloween he's

probably dressed up and then caught the TV where it's like an episode of like Animal Planet with his real brothers like out playing in the woods. He looked down at his bumblebee costume and was like, I ain't a goddamn bee! I'm a monkey! He'd even open presents at Christmas. Love it! Oh, man! He'd punch them open and rip off the bow and shit.

He's going at those fucking presents like it was buttocks and a pair of thighs. I would also love to see a secret roll of film of the monkey dressed as Hitler. You've never seen a monkey dressed as Hitler? Look it up. I'm sure there is one monkey

dressed as Hitler. But I mean serious, not photoshopped. I want to see an actual Hitler thing. An actual monkey dressed like Hitler. Riding a Jew. Riding a Jew. Okay. Is that that horrible?

Not if the Jew agrees to it. That's what I'm saying. If everyone's in on the game. Alright, this is the best I can do. Yeah, it's a monkey with an arm out. Is that a Republican? Is that an Obama thing? I don't know.

All I know is that I see a big sign that says Jesus Christ is Lord. Yeah, that's an Obama thing. All right, so tune in next week when we dress a monkey as Hitler. Well, I love it. Man, people just will not fucking learn. You try to treat the monkey like it's people. You try to teach the monkey like it's a pet of yours. And every time it kills you.

It always eats your hand. Yeah, it always rips the hands off, which is fucking smart. It's warrior tactics. Because if you rip the hands off, how are you going to fight back? You go for the hands, the face, and the genitals. That's what monkeys do. Yeah, that's what I do. Ruthless, debilitating.

All of that is debilitating. Every time I get in a fight, too, I like to clamp down on my teeth with my teeth and twist like a shark. Yeah, yeah. Shark twist. Roll around. These people also have... Like an e-Honda.

They also have a marmoset monkey named Brat, llamas, miniature horses, chickens, and dogs. Oh, they got a little farm here. Yeah, let them go. Do they dress up the llamas? Put them in little tuxedos? I hope so. Most of these llamas freak out. Wouldn't it be cruel to dress a llama as a horse?

Wouldn't they get really sad about how they're not a horse? They're somewhere between a horse and a big fancy dog. Llamas fucking blow. They spit. They spit at you. Llamas are awesome. Llamas suck. What's the llama used for?

What's the purpose of the llama? You shave it for its fabric. They have very, very soft hair. And also alpacas, the close cousin to the llama, has very wonderful hair. And you can milk it? Has anyone had llama milk? No.

It's very big in Peru. Oh, is it? Yeah. It's popular. So it's eating eyeballs. They bury fish in the ground Oh, is it? Yeah. Popular. So it was eating eyeballs and fucking... They bury fish in the ground and they eat it too. They're also the only

species of animal that eats pussy. That's really weird. Is that why they spit so much? Yeah, definitely. They lube it up with their spit. Man, look up llamas

eating each other's pussy. That's gonna be good. This isn't even for the show, by the way. This is just... Just go to your recent searches. God, can you imagine the horrible sounds that would come from two llamas fucking 69ing each other?

Just... The noise they make is... So they're called llamas because they go... Is that why they call them llamas? Yeah. No, you're making shit up. Not a lot of llama fucking. A lot of horse fucking.

Not a dog fucking. Not a lot of llama fucking. What's going on with that? On the WTF subreddit today, I saw this thing comparing a woman's vagina to a horse vagina, and they actually look kind of similar. Do they?

Yeah. Oh, shit. We've been doing that on B for months now. Yeah. It's really gross. I don't think they look similar. A horse's vagina is much meatier. It has to be bigger, right?

It's a bigger animal. It's a full vagina. Yeah, the lips stick out more. They're very bulbous. It's like a theatrical version of a human vagina. Like if you were to dramatize a vagina. By the way, when llamas mate, they lay down. vagina. Okay. Like if you were to dramatize an anime of... By the way,

when llamas mate, they lay down. Isn't that nice? That's what I do as well. Yeah, look at that. Look at that picture of llamas fucking. Show them the picture of llamas fucking. They don't think they're people. Look at the llamas. They think they can fuck like people.

I'll see them back like that. Why didn't animals fuck in a missionary position? Let's see. Oh, look at that. It's like it's a hug. It's like that llama's trying to save the other llama from choking. But they're fucking.

I actually thought the one lied on its back and they fucked it that way. Why no animals ever do missionary? Yeah, yeah. That's just for the guy on top, gal on the bottom. Where the animal's got its legs up in the air and the other animal's on top. Now, I think I saw a picture of gay sloths one time and they were doing missionary.

Is that something? Yeah, yeah. I feel like I've seen money. Gay sloth sounds like you're like blog. Well, I mean, it's... Well, when I typed in gay sloths,

there's quite a few questions being asked on the internet. Can sloths exhibit homosexual behavior? I would assume they could. Answer? Yes. Yes. Interesting. I'll tell you what.

Little known fact with sloths, they're the only animal besides humans that use bondage play. Interesting. Straps. They strap up and do different things like that. Did this come from when you were a biology major? Absolutely. I was Nugs, the weedy biology major back in college. My mom was looking, Dr. Nugs, if you check out your fucking sloths and bullshits.

They let me teach a class. No one questioned it. I just showed up with a fake certificate saying I was a professor. So today, class, we're going to take a fucking monkey or take a fucking llama and we're going to see if they fuck each other. And Bill Cosby. Watch out for the Kordak film and your fucking pop. see if they fuck each other. And Bill Cosby. Let's get with the Kordak film and your fucking pop.

Well, we're fucking done. I am done with being funny. I don't need to be funny anymore. I'm done enough. I'm trying hard enough. I'm trained. I would love to see a llama and a monkey fuck. I think that would be odd stuff. Yeah, dude. Absolutely.

Have you ever seen a duck's dick With a corkscrew I want to see a monkey Masturbate with a gun Well staying in the world of animals A man who allegedly A man who allegedly Grabbed a pelican by it's neck

And strangled the bird with his bare hands caused a horrifying scene to beachgoers in California on Wednesday. Look how satisfied that guy looks, too. This is the pelican strangler right here. Fuck that motherfucking penguin! Fuck that pelican! Yeah, I did it!

Pelicans are nasty in obnoxious... If you want to know what the pelican strangler looks like, he looks like the lead singer of Counting Crows that had a breakdown one day and strangled a pelican. He does. Are we on? Yeah. Oh, okay, good.

The pelican flapped its wings in distress until its body went limp and died. The sheriff's report obtained. The pelican flapped its wings in celebration of death. Alvarez lost its wings in celebration of death. Alvarez allegedly then hid the bird's body after its death, but it was recovered by police with

the help of witnesses. He said he was hungry, and he found the bird dead and was gonna eat it. That's what the sergeant said. He's gonna eat the pelican? Yeah, he was gonna kill and eat the pelican. That's the goddamn pelican that killed my mama! Yeah, what was his beef with the pelican? He just saw the pelican? Yeah, he was gonna kill and eat the pelican. That's the goddamn pelican that killed my mama! Yeah, what was his beef with the pelican?

He just saw the pelican and was like, fuck you, pelican. I mean, in this guy's defense, it's really hard to catch a pelican. I was gonna say. That pelican must have been nipping the shit out of him. Yeah. They were in a fight. Here's what the Fish and Games

spokesman Essel Burkiet said. The worst thing we ever saw in the past was people cutting off their beaks. In the mid-90s or so, some people thought it might be the fishermen who didn't like the pelicans hanging out near their vessels. Sure. I mean, does pelican beak, does that go with a soup? Is it some kind of nerd asshole convention going on outside? There's a fucking Weezer sing-along going on outside.

Are you serious? Can you open the door and tell them to shut the fuck up? Excuse me, can you shut the fuck up? I should be louder now, but that's fine. That is great. Hey, guys. Yeah, I love a room of cackling people with microphones. Excuse me, I'm sorry, pardon.

Could you go and get raped and then fucking die in front of your mother? Okay, thanks. Thanks, buddy. So what's going to happen to this dude for killing the pelican? Does he go to jail for this? He gets three spanks from a man dressed as a pelican. That is the most proper punishment for anybody accused of animal abuse. One, two, three.

What sound does a pelican make? No, don't. Hey, stop choking me. Please, please. I'm trying to be a pelican here. I was a genie once who was trapped in the form of a pelican. I'll give you so many wishes. Just stop choking.

It also reminds me of that motivational poster of the frog going in the pelican's mouth, but he's got his hands Just stop choking It's like that It also reminds me Of that like That Motivational poster Of like the frog Going in the pelican's mouth But he's got his like Hands around the throat Yeah Yeah

I mean how long Does it take to choke A pelican out you think Five minutes Ten minutes Five minutes Five minutes They can hold their breath

For a long time Right But not when their You know their throat Is being compressed And you know You can press it hard enough and really just... Yeah, then the panic sets in.

You're also really stupid if you're just choking it and not also just bashing the tent against the cement. Right, right. Because it's got a loose neck, so you can kind of fucking slap it. You can grab it and crack it. It's a creepy, like, gonna-murder-people-later way to murder a pelican. You know, it's such a weird, like, I definitely... Stranglization? Yeah, to strangle them to death, it's sort of like to get off pelican. You know, it's like such a weird, like, I definitely... Stranglization? Yeah, to strangle him to death, it's sort of like to get

off on it, you know, I think it's sort of like... Hey, Henry, could you listen to this pelican and describe what it sounds like, because I... Is this a pelican getting strangled, or is it a pelican living life? It's a pelican living life. Okay. What is that noise? That's the noise a pelican makes.

It sounds like a pig bird. It's a baby pelican. Oh, it sounds like it needs to get strangled. Yeah, absolutely. If I fucking heard that on the wrong day, you gotta kill it. Oh, good for him. Yeah. I mean, if he would have eaten it, I guess it would have been better, though. He could have had a bad dream.

I'm not going to judge this guy until we find out what happened to him earlier in the day. Yeah. I mean, he did commit a felony. It's a felony? Earlier in the day? No, no, no. This is felony animal cruelty. What?

His bail was $20,000. What? Jesus Christ. For strangling a pelican? For strangling... That's a lot, right? All he did was give those people on the beach a wonderful memory. I want to see that.

Just a man just like struggling to strangle a pelican. Birds don't get strangled very often. Don't look at me! Remember when you proposed to me, honey? Of course! How could I forget? That man was strangling a pelican! I just wish just once you'd remember something romantic.

Fuck you, Stacy! I'm sorry. I want to see him try to bury it and think no one's going to see. Like in the sand, did he try to bury it? He also just saved the term. He tried to hide it, but you know it's just him looking around and trying to stick it in the garbage can.

Putting it in his pants. Putting it in a Burger King bag. Yeah, Pelican's a big bird. A Pelican-sized Burger King bag. A real big bird. Hey, can I get a Pelican-sized bag? I got a lot of Whoppers. Can I get a Pelican brief over here?

What? A Pelican brief. Yeah! I was thinking about that. Oh, fuck you, Amber! Fuck yourself! Whoa! Fuck!

No, I was thinking about the word brief for the past ten minutes. I swear to God, and I didn't have a chance to say it. I was like, what can you... It wasn't brief? That's good. That is good, though. If I knew it was going to get that reaction, I would have said it a lot sooner. It would have been different.

Mike, do you want to say the joke, and then we'll see how we react? No, but I was going through my head thinking of if it was going to be good or not. Yeah, just say the joke. Well, you were like, they can hold their breath for a long time. So when you strangle a pelican to death, you know, it's not brief. It's not brief. And so it's just so weird.

I mean, how much did the pelican weigh? How much do pelicans naturally weigh? About 30 pounds? That's not fair. That's not fair. I'm sorry. You just gotta stop doing comedy. Pelicans on average

weigh 30 pounds. Isn't that something? That's like a big animal. It's your knee. It's like a second grader. Yeah, it is. That's a tough It's like 1 200th of's your knee. It's like a second grader. Yeah, it is. That's a tough fucking thing to strangle. It's like one two hundredth a big fat dumb head. Do you think that it is harder to strangle a pelican or a second grader? A pelican.

Because a pelican's got the big beak. I don't even know how he got to the pelican. A second grader's already blowing it. Hell yeah. Boom, Chocolat. Boom, guys. Nothing but net. He's on fire.

He's a pedophile. Boom goes the dynamite. Good for him. It's fucking hot in here. It is so hot. The hangover. It's soaked through. Yeah, yeah. We are all very hungover here as well. You is so hot. The hangover. I'm soaked through. Yeah, yeah.

We are all very hungover here as well. You're wearing two shirts and a hat. To hide my sweat. Yeah. To be fair, it's not like it's fancy attire. His t-shirt does say Barfweiser, which is a fun play on the beer Budweiser. This is a custom-made shirt from a wonderful shirt store in Williamsburg called Shirts and Destroy. Fucking rules there. And yeah, it says

Budweiser and an eagle is vomiting. Yeah, it says wine-em, dine-em, 69-em. Yeah. Which is fun. Is that in the news? Is that in the news story? It will be as soon as Henry strangles a pangl-a-pangl-a-tun. I don't know what a fucking pangl-a-tun is.

It's a fun name for a pelican. Yeah, it's pangolin. A pangolin. A pangolin. I don't know what a fucking pangolin is. It's a fun name for a pelican. Yeah. It's pangolin. The pelican. You know, pelicans live over 25 years. Isn't that something? Not this one. I think it's harder to choke a penguin to death than a pelican.

Well, they don't have necks. Oh, you could choke a penguin easier than a pelican. I don't know how this guy got around the pelican's nose. It seems like a difficult thing to get into. The nose and the separate. You gotta go into it with a plan, it seems like. With what? If I'm with a plan, you don't just run up

on a pelican and grab its neck and start choking. You gotta think about how you're gonna approach this thing. Yeah. You have to put a plastic bag over its head first or squirt it with motor oil. Yeah, that's true. All right, next story. That's actually a great way

to kill birds. Is it? Well, yeah. Have you seen the pictures? They can't stand that oil. Yeah, they really suffer in that oil, man. They don't love it.

They look good, though. All right, this one is from our buddy Ragnar. Hey, Ragnar. Hey, Ragnar. He's coming to visit. Yeah, Ragnar. He's coming to visit. Yeah, in January. Fantastic.

It's Iceland summer. We'll have him in. Our winter is Iceland summer? I actually don't know. Iceland's just north of here. It's Greenland that gets really cold. Iceland actually surprisingly is warm a lot. Is it hot?

Is it hot? Is it the geothermal activity? Bit of a geothermal activity, absolutely. So what is geothermal activity, Holden? Could you explain it to us? Can you fucking douche your ass? Yeah. That's interesting. Boom.

Woo. Ten, nine, eight, fuck you, six, 9, 8 Fuck you 6, 5, 4 Hey cracker 3, 2, 1 Douchebag Okay

A DJ That was good A DJ allegedly Teeth in the worm Teeth in the worm is a really good show. Alright, alright, alright. I'm sorry. Alright.

A DJ allegedly broke into the homes of men he saw at clubs and parties and performed oral sex on them as they slept. What? As they slept. Yeah, how do you not... They didn't wake up? That's crazy. Well, he... He's asleep and making you cum.

He followed men who were, like, super drunk. Right. Like, he spotted the dudes that were super drunk. Police said last week that he stalked three men and sexually assaulted them in their homes. The first case was reported by a man who claimed a man fitting Porter's description, climbed up through his fire escape, broke in, and began performing oral sex on him. And he was like awake enough to kind of know that that was going

on. My thing is like, do you think you would know if your dick was, you got blackout drunk, so you don't remember any of it actually happening. You just wake up with whatever's left over from that. Would you know that something funky happened on your dick? Hell yeah! I don't know, man.

I don't think so. It's just like a weird dream. It sounds like Thomas Dale is training to get to this point. This is like Thomas Dale's version of Batman. It just takes money and years of training. Someday, I'll be a DJ.

I'll blow men while they're sleeping. I love Thomas Dale. We all do. I fucking hate his guts. You hate him? Did these dudes come in his mouth? Were they able to, or did he fucking?

Yeah, how long? Did he just blow in a sock? Yeah, it's at a, I'll just go through the victim statements. In April, a man told police he went to Porter's home after a gathering and fell asleep only to wake up with a suspect performing a sex act on him. Was he hard? Huh? He was probably hard.

It's just funny to think of those dudes as victims. I woke up and he was blowing me. He was blowing me in my dick. So hard and well. Another incident was reported in July. I woke up and he He's a punk So hard and well Another incident was reported in July The alleged victim attended a party and fell asleep After drinking he claims that he woke up As the suspect performed a sex act on him

Nice An additional alleged victim was included in last week's Charges claims Porter molested others The man who asked not to be identified Said Porter had been over at his house with mutual friends following a night of partying. There was a DJ in his house. He was charged

with three counts of involuntary deviant sexual intercourse, three counts of sexual assault and burglary. Why didn't one of those dudes beat the shit out of that guy? What did he steal? That would pretty much stop you. What happened? Did they just wake up and then fucking all math I can kill my god I'm gonna die out the window what they do when they rose a smoke bomb

does not flip out he does not look like the type of guy who would be breaking it at home oh yeah well he's gonna have a great time in jail, I guess. Absolutely. He's just like, finally. Been working towards this for years. Oh, got to sleep eventually. That was a problem. Freddy Krueger of blowjobs. I just imagine it was just him playing his DJ

shit. It's like... Suck your dick while you sleep. Did you hear that? Wait a second. Did he hear? I think he said, no. Suck your dick while you sleep. Go to bed.

Go to bed. Now I think about it, because remember you were saying, would you know if somebody messed with you? This happened like a month ago when I was in Ohio. I don't know. All right. I don't know what this little story was here, but I was like, I was pretty drunk and I was high too.

Good, good. And I was like, I was in the hotel and I was cooking some chicken. I was just boiling chicken. All of a sudden that chicken turned into a dick. No, it was like a dick. I went to go, I was lying down watching TV

and I guess I fell asleep while the shit was cooking. And apparently the smoke alarm went off and everything. I slept through all of this. And one of the women who was just like this old, like, you know, just whatever, attendant to the hotel, ran up into my room and, like, shut off the thing

and, like, tried to wake me or whatever. And I couldn't. And she just shut off the thing and all that. The thing was. Did she try blowing you? That's what I'm saying. I woke up naked. At least with my pants off.

And I remember falling asleep with my clothes on. Whoa. Whoa. You got raped. Maybe. I probably did. I probably did. I probably did.

And you know what? If it did happen, I wasn't even mad. I was like, listen, you won. I also want to comment the fact that you had a kitchen in your hotel room. And you were cooking chicken. So you were boiling. Did you have like a crock pot with you? No, it was just a little pot, man.

It's like a British way of making food. Well, congratulations, Kevin, you finally made it. You did it. You put a little salt in the water or something? You now finally joined the statistic of one in six women. I'm sorry. That's just a fact What are you talking about? Mr. Wiggles doesn't mind

What? So did you put like salt in the water? No, I just straight I didn't even have salt I had nothing Just boiled straight up chicken Because I was out there Boiled chicken is totally normal

And where did you get the chicken? Did you go to the grocery store? I was out there with Shang And Shang was like He didn't strangle the chicken and fucking take it home. That was Shang's whole steelo, man. He's like, man, he just cooked this chicken, man. No seasoning,

no salt, no pepper. Just boil that shit. It's delicious. I've never tried it before and it actually was. It was pretty good. How does he get so intense? That's what he does, man. Alright, one more story before we get to our segment today. Three women have been charged with assault after a restaurant waitress at Red Lobster was attacked for filling up water glasses too often.

Sherelle Evans, 21. Brittley Green, 22. And Janine Green, 44, are accused of striking the waitress with their hands in a menu at Red Lobster in Illinois. What? and a menu at Red Lobster in Illinois. What? Man, according to witnesses, the attack was sparked when the women became irritated that the waitress was filling up their water glasses too often.

That's because all they got was water, and she kept going back and being like, can I get you anything else? Check out these women. Yeah, it looks like... Oh, they all beat her up. I knew it was going to be that. They're black. I listened to it. I was listening to you say it. I'm like, oh, this nigga's mad. Yeah, I knew it was gonna be that

Why why get mad it was just like it's just like she fills up the water once they drink it water gets filled again They drink it water gets filled again, and then you just like and you smack her in what's this fucking bitch? Do this fucking she just coming over every time we're fucking drinking her water and shit Fill it up Drink it again You know Fill it up Drink it This bitch got some kind of fucking problem

Why would you give black people good service Why do you keep filling my water I don't like what she's saying Wait what What did you say Because they don't Because they don't say We're seeing this

Why would you give black people good service Because they're horrible tippers That's horrible But can you imagine God damn it I mean I respect people good service. Because they're horrible tippers. That's horrible. But can you imagine the girl? God damn it. I mean, I respect your bravery. I also can imagine the waitress being like the flow girl from the progressive commercials with like the flair all over.

Just like, just gonna help bananas, you guys. You just must be thirsty. I'm a thirsty girl. This fucking bitch. And this incident comes just eight months after another waitress was attacked by four customers at the same Red Lobster restaurant. Whoa. They attacked her for bringing them the wrong meal. Wow.

Well, that's a reason to be upset. Jesus, man. Yeah, she suffered a swollen eye and cuts to her nose and forehead. Holy shit. It's Red Lobster. All their meals are the same. Yeah, it's like fried fucking, fried bullshit fish. Yeah, bullshit fish.

I like that one. Well, good for her. I hope she survives. Well, Red Lobster's kind of a big deal, you know? Red Lobster's a great restaurant. Yeah, you know, it's like, you know, you fucking. Cheese and biscuits are ridiculous. Cheese and biscuits are great. It's like, it's expensive, so if you're going out to Red Lobster's a great restaurant. Yeah, you know, it's like, you know, you fucking... Cheese and biscuits are ridiculous. Cheese and biscuits are great.

It's like, it's expensive, so if you're going out to Red Lobster, it's like you want good service. Is it expensive? Red Lobster's pretty expensive. Pretty pricey, especially in New York. Yeah. No, but not in, where is this? It's Chicago. Illinois. Oh, I can't imagine Red Lobster's that expensive. When I was growing up, Red Lobster would be,

that was the special occasion place. It's on the upper end of the suburban restaurant scale. Absolutely. It's like Carrabba's. Carrabba's is a little nicer than Olive Garden. Right. Is it nicer than Cheesecake Factory? Yes.

No. No. It's not the same level. No. No. It's much better. So much nicer. No.

People went to prom. Yeah, Cheesecake Factory. Do they have popcorn shrimp at Cheesecake Factory? They have what? Popcorn shrimp? They have popcorn cheesecake. They have fried cheesecake. You shove it up your ass to fucking eat it?

What? You fucking idiot. There's none of that there. I fucking got you. I'm gonna go kill myself Do it Why don't you do it for me I'm gonna fucking Chips

Those are my chips Those are mine I'm sorry Amber I didn't mean to be yelling I thought you were holding your ears like you were scared No she is scared She is very scared I'm literally, Amber. I didn't mean to be yelling. I thought you were holding your ears like you were scared. No, she is scared. She is very scared. No, I just kind of zoned out. I'm literally sweating so hard.

You could put a speed-like measuring gun at my fucking sweat and it would be like 15 degrees. Let's do a segment. Let's do it. Let's have a moment. All right. Small McNeely here with the segment. He was born a girl, raised a boy. Oh, my God.

Put it in my pussy. I love that. I love to have a pussy. And the segment today is curses. Curses. That's like an electric, like a lightning. This is curses. I go first with the example that I came up with

because I couldn't come up with a new example. My curse is every time you, for the rest of your life, that you see a penis, you have to make it come. Every time you see a naked penis, and people will find out and it will get in the news, and then everyone will be showing you their penis. And I'm going to give that curse to Hollywood Henry. Yay!

By the way, there's the biggest winner who comes up with the best curse. There's also the greatest loser who gets cursed the most. Interesting. Let's hope it's the same person. All right. Who wants to go next? Round Robin. Doesn't matter.

Let's see here. Henry. Okay. Forgot about this here. Henry. Okay. Um... Forgot about this segment. Yes. Um... So... I would say a good curse

is, um... You... I... I... I hope that Ben Kissel... Ooh! I hope you find a woman... Ooh! Tread lightly, Henry! I hope you find a woman. Tread lightly, Henry. I hope you find a woman. Fuck off. With big, beautiful breasts and you love

her. No. Right? And only when your love is true for this big, breasted woman that you will love. Right? I curse you with the fact that her tits will begin to grow stubble like a man's chin.

And they will hurt to touch. And they will hurt to motorboat. And they will scratch and give you rashes on your belly. I curse you. I curse you. A plague on your house. Yeah, it ruins the entire thing because she had big boobs and I liked her, but then they're hairy. They're not hairy.

They don't ever turn into soft fur. It's just stubble. It's always razor sharp stubble. Like a freshly shorn set of balls. You can't put your cock in there. Who's next? Boob. Try again.

I got one. I got one. I got one Every time you see a woman With a baby in a stroller You go up And grab the baby And you don't bolt But you're convinced that that is your baby

You don't take off running But you're convinced it's at your baby So you're like oh this is my baby For how long For how long Oh wow So then This is my baby. This is my baby. For how long? What? For how long? Oh, no. For, yeah. Oh, wow.

Oh, yeah. So then almost every day, multiple times a day, your own baby is being taken away from you. Yeah. Wow. That is amazing. I'm putting that on Racine. Yeah.

Racine's going to be a father. That was an excellent Racine. All right, Racine,ine's going to be a father. I'm going to park slow, Racine. All right, Racine, what's your curse? I don't know. Give me a second. All right. Amber, you got one? Oh, shit.

My curse is Kevin Barnett. Oh, shit. Yes. Kevin Barnett. Fuck, man. Make him Asian. Every time you have a delicious... Fuck, man. Make him Asian. Every time you have a delicious... Wait, no.

You will... Okay. You will... Everything that you're about to put in your mouth that's food, it will look like a turd. And when you shit, it will look like what you just ate. Interesting. I love the mirror curse.

That is heartless, man. I hate butt stuff, man. That's not good. That's not good. You eat a turd, it comes out a corn cob. Perfect corn cob. Cool. Does it feel like one?

Yeah. Hell yeah. That sounds kind of fun, actually. Yeah, it'd be kind of cool. Interesting. So, like, say if he eats rock candy, then it's going to feel like rock candy. I want to shit coconuts.

Hey, mommy. You called up your mom. Mommy, I shat a coconut today. I would shit coconuts and feed it to Haitian school children. Oh, thank you. All right, Ben, what do you got? They don't know. It's okay. and school children. Oh, thank you. All right, Ben, what do you got? They don't know. It's capable.

The coconuts for everyone. None of these pieces of shit know that it's just my shit. Eating coconuts all day with smiles on their faces. Just eating a bunch of my shit. I wanted to do a shit one, too, but now I can't do that one

I wanted to say that Holden you don't have a butthole anymore And then every time you shit You gotta cut it open with a razor blade And then let your shit go out like that So that hurt That'd be a mean curse That's a tough one

No more butthole Get rid of your butthole But Let's see here Sorry I twitched real hard Yeah I saw that I did like a synapseed real hard. Yeah, I saw that. I did like a synapse fire in my brain. You okay?

Yeah, no, I just think I lost a memory. That's too bad. I think that's all I have. My brain doesn't work. I'm going to put this on Kevin. Oh, shit, man. Every time you meet a woman who wants to have sex with you, she turns into a pelican, like when you're ready to fuck her. And the only way to get her to turn back into a woman who wants to have sex with you, she turns into a pelican when you're ready to fuck her.

And the only way to get her to turn back into a woman is if you strangle that pelican to death. Maybe that's what happened to that guy. And then, but then, does the woman turn... But is she still dead? No. Okay.

Hey, I got a curse for you, Mike. Every time you see a black person, you have to give them all the money you have on you. And if you don't have any money on you, you have to go to the ATM and withdraw at least $20. And if you don't have any money at all, they get to hit you.

That kind of happens anyway. Get two taps. All right, Alright well I think that's Barnett and Mike are the biggest losers Yeah yeah They got double cursed And Margus you're the judge I gotta say You got two curses

But did he do a curse Yeah do a curse Don't curse yourself cause you'll be the biggest loser. Wait, the biggest loser wins? No, no, no. The best curse wins. Oh, all right. So I'm going to do this one on Racine because he tried me in my race.

This one is going to be also anytime you meet a girl that you like, your face is going to break out in pimple so your face looks like Holden's face, but horrible curse. These pimples are actually going to be titty nipples and they will be secreting delicious milk the entire time and you're going to be

so hungry, but you can't eat none of that milk because your mouth is shoved shut. You fuck ass nigger. Jesus God, it's a monster. There's so much hate. Wow. I really think Kevin's is the best, in my opinion. If I had to give my opinion, I'd say Kevin's is the best.

Mike is the biggest loser now because he was cursed now three times. Yeah, Mike, you're the most cursed. Well, you're welcome. But you know what? I got to say, man, best curse of the night, Trey Gallion. God damn, that is a fucked up curse. That baby curse. That is really good.

Yeah. Trey Gallion. Really fucked up. That really depths into an evil heart. You're like a witch from Snow White. That's like a classic fairy tale villain move. Yeah. Like Rumpelstiltskin.

All right, well, that's been the whole episode. Congratulations, Trey. Happy birthday. Thanks, man. All right. Rumpelstiltskin. All right. Well, that's been the whole episode. Congratulations, Trey. Happy birthday. Thanks, man. Happy birthday. Happy birthday, guys. Come on.

Yeah. Amber Nelson, Henry Zabrowski. Last podcast left for Creaky next year. All right. I'm Ben. Thanks for being here, Mike.

Thank you, Ben. Mr. Wiggles, take us out. Mr. Wiggles. Goodbye, everybody. Here we go. I hate this song. Blow, blow,. Here we go. I hate this song. Blow, blow, blow, blow, blow, giddy, blow.

Mr. fucking Wiggles. Such a card. He's a ham.